Input:
  The passage discusses the importance of having open conversations about sexual desires and values with one's partner(s). It provides two activities, the Lovers' Inquiry and Lovers' Inquiry or Seduction Instruction: Sexual Values, to help couples explore and understand their specific preferences, expectations, and feelings about seduction and sex.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: Why is it important for couples to have open conversations about their sexual desires and values, and what activities or exercises can help them explore and understand their preferences, expectations, and feelings about seduction and sex?

A: Open communication about sexual desires and values is crucial for building a strong, satisfying relationship. Discussing your needs and expectations can improve understanding, respect, and reduce misunderstandings. However, many couples do not engage in these conversations, which may lead to missed opportunities, misinterpretations, and feelings of incompatibility.

The Lovers' Inquiry and Lovers' Inquiry or Seduction Instruction: Sexual Values are two activities that can help couples explore their specific preferences, expectations, and feelings about seduction and sex.

Lovers' Inquiry: Seduction Interview

1. Discuss the best and worst times to initiate sexual contact, including ideal times of day and days of the week, as well as considerations related to menstruation, work breaks, and children.
2. Share your favorite scenes from shows or movies that represent the type of seduction you desire, as well as scenes that represent what you do not want in seduction and initiating sex.
3. Discuss preferred words or phrases that might put you in the mood for sex, such as declarations of love or raunchy language.
4. Explore preferred types of touch during the seduction/early phase, including platonic touches, close intimate proximity, light or aggressive touch, and the role of kissing.
5. Identify any touches or areas of the body that should be avoided during seduction.
6. Discuss how you need to feel in order to be open to being seduced, including the importance of relaxation, playfulness, and specific emotions.
7. Identify any cues that might indicate that you're open to being seduced/approached, such as words, code phrases, or body language.

Lovers' Inquiry or Seduction Instruction: Sexual Values

1. Reflect upon or discuss your current sexual values, including what you like and find challenging about sex, why sex is important to you, and what surprises you about sex.
2. Describe your sexual style and what a good sexual connection requires.
3. Share your feelings during and after sex, as well as what you like about your body.
4. Discuss when you feel desired, turned on, and nervous/hesitant about sex.
5. Identify something you would like to better understand about sex.
6. Reflect on memorable sexual experiences and what you think about when you masturbate.
7. Discuss how sex is different today compared to when you first met, as well as the best or most fulfilling sex you have ever had.
8. Share who or what you often think about when it comes to sex.

It is important to approach these conversations with sensitivity, as your partner may not be comfortable discussing experiences with past lovers or may feel jealousy. Consider exploring the concept of compersion, which involves deriving delight from your partner's pleasure, even if it does not include you. If this doesn't appeal to you, communicate your boundaries and expectations clearly.

Response:
CHAPTER

8

SEXUAL SEDUCTION AND VALUES: TWO IMPORTANT LOVERS' INQUIRIES

Now that you have considered seduction from multiple perspectives, it's time to continue the conversation with your partner(s) about your _specific_ desires related to seduction. For the two Lovers' Inquiry activities below, set aside fifteen minutes to prepare and make notes on your own, and then carve out additional time for you and your partner(s) to share and discuss your answers with one another.

It is unlikely that you will cover everything in one shot and most people prefer to divide the discussion into multiple conversations. Some of us love talking and asking questions, while some of us may feel like it's an interrogation. Be mindful of your partner's feelings and body language, and move at a pace that works for you both. Conversations related to sex can be emotionally draining, so take breaks and remember that breaking it down into multiple chats can be beneficial in terms of information retention and revisiting topics.

Discussing your desires helps you to improve understanding and respect. You will benefit from sharing both your general and specific expectations to ensure that you're on the same page and to reduce misunderstandings. But it's important to note that even after discussing sex at length, you may still misinterpret your lover's desires, and you can recover from missteps.

One of our clients realized this after an incident involving spitting.

They were in the shower and she was giving a blow job to her boyfriend. It was incredibly raw and passionate and very fun and nasty. He got so into it that he spit into her mouth. It was a total turnoff, and she freaked out, because it wasn't something they had discussed. They worked through it, talked about it, and now they can laugh about it, but they agree that it would have been better to have considered the specifics of their mutual desires in advance.

Unfortunately, most of us do not consider and talk about our specific sexual desires, and instead we cruise along hoping for the best. In doing so, we miss out on sexual opportunities, and this can lead to the belief that we're incompatible, which often builds resentment. This, of course, can be addressed by simply asking questions, sharing insights, and listening to each other from the onset. However, new relationship energy (NRE) often discourages us from having these conversations; we are so caught up in the emotional high (i.e., a surge in dopamine) of meeting a new partner that we make the illogical assumption that sex will automatically work out. Over time, as the dopamine levels stabilize, we realize that no degree of chemistry or attraction can replace honest dialogue.

The good news is that it's never too late to start conversations about sex, so we encourage you to begin now—whether you have been with your lover for two days or twenty-two years.

LOVERS' INQUIRY: SEDUCTION INTERVIEW

What are the best and worst times to initiate sexual contact?

► When do you like to have sex? What time of the day is best?

► Do you like to be woken up for sex when you are asleep?

► What are the best days/worst days of the week to have sex?

► Are you open to having sex while you are menstruating?

► Are you open to having sex while on a work break, or would you rather wait until you're finished with work?

► What are the best/worst times to have sex as it relates to the kids?

Can you think of a scene from a show or movie that represents the type of seduction you desire? Example: I like the way Megan told Don Draper of Mad Men that he didn't deserve her as she teased him with kinky play. I like the idea of being teased and mysterious at the same time.

► Is there a scene that you would like to reenact?

► Are there shows, movies, or particular celebrities that turn you on?

► Have you seen a show or movie in which the romance feels believable?

► Are there romantic shows or films that accurately represent your seduction style?

► Is there a character you find attractive? What attracts you to them?

Can you think of a scene from a show or movie that represents what you do not want when it comes to seduction and initiating sex? Example: I hate the aggressive way they kiss on TV with their hands all over each other's faces.

► Are there particular shows or movies that turn you off?

► Is there a celebrity that completely turns you off when you watch them on TV or at the movie theater?

► Is there a character you find sexually off-putting? Why do they turn you off?

Are there words or phrases you like to hear that might put you in the mood for sex? Example: I love to hear you declaring your love for me in public.

► If there are words or phrases, what are they?

► Should the words be romantic or raunchy? What's the ideal situation for either of these?

► Do you like to hear the same words or phrases, or should they be different each time?

► Should the words be conversational or can they be one-sided?

What types of touch do you prefer during the seduction/early phase?

► Do you like more platonic touches (arms, shoulders) first?

► Are you a fan of being in close intimate proximity?

► Do you like to begin with light or aggressive touch? Can you describe what this might look like?

► Do you like to kiss first to feel it out, or would you rather wait and build up toward a kiss on the lips?

► Where do you like to be touched when we first approach each other?

What types of touch should I avoid?

► Do you like soft or firm touch? Where do you like to be touched in each way?

► Is there a certain amount of pressure that you prefer?

► Do you like the feeling of nails against your skin? Where do you like this type of touch?

► Do you prefer lots of hair, trimmed hair, or no hair against your skin?

Which areas of your body should I avoid?

► Are there any parts of your body that produce or experience physical pain?

► Is there a place on your body that you associate with emotional pain?

► Are you ticklish, or are there ways of touching that you don't like on certain parts of your body?

How do you need to feel in order to be open to being seduced?

► Do you need to be completely relaxed before you can be engaged?

► Do you like to be playful or do you like to be more serious?

► What feelings do you associate with seduction?

Are there any cues I can look for that might indicate that you're open to being seduced/approached?

► Are there any words or code phrases that we can use to hint at being in the mood?

• Can I use the words _____ to signal my interest?

► What are some cues I can look for when you are in the mood to seduce me?

• Can I give you some ideas on how you could help me get in the mood?

► Are there any cues I can look for that might indicate that you're not open to being seduced/ approached?

LOVERS' INQUIRY OR SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION: SEXUAL VALUES

You can reflect upon these questions in your journal and/or you can share your answers with your partner(s) as part of a Lovers' Inquiry. If you opt to discuss your answers, be mindful that your partner may not be comfortable with some of your answers if they reference experiences with other/past lovers. Similarly, you may be uncomfortable with their responses if they describe pleasurable experiences that don't include you. Consider whether you can explore the experience of compersion, which refers to deriving delight from your partner's pleasure—even if it does not include you. If this doesn't appeal to you, let your lover know in advance. You may agree to only share a selection of answers and revisit the ones that give rise to tension or jealousy at another time.

Current Sexual Values:

What I really like about sex is . . .

What I find challenging about sex is . . .

Sex is important to me because . . .

What surprises me about sex is . . .

I would describe my sexual style as . . .

A good sexual connection requires . . .

During sex I usually feel . . .

After sex I usually feel . . .

What I like about my body is . . .

I feel desired when . . .

Lately I feel turned on when . . .

I feel excited about sex when . . .

I feel nervous/hesitant about sex when . . .

One thing I'd like to better understand about sex is . . .

A memorable sexual experience involved . . .

The last time I masturbated, I thought about . . .

In my opinion, this is how sex is different today than when we first met:

The best or most fulfilling sex I have ever had involved . . .

I often think about sex with . . .


Input:
 The passage discusses the importance of eroticizing daily interactions to prioritize sexual intimacy and seduction in a busy lifestyle. It provides various suggestions and activities to help couples incorporate eroticism into their daily routines, including cutting back on complaining, upgrading greetings and goodbyes, texting playfully, leaving love and sex notes, resetting with two minutes of physical intimacy, having intimate conversations, and taking compliments to the next level.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: How can couples prioritize sexual intimacy and seduction in their busy lives, and what activities can they engage in to incorporate eroticism into their daily routines?

A: Many couples struggle to make time for sex and seduction amidst their hectic schedules. However, it's important to recognize that you cannot simply turn on your sexual desire with the flip of a switch. Instead, seduction and foreplay should begin long before you enter the bedroom. By eroticizing daily interactions, couples can set the scene and weave eroticism into their daily lives.

Here are some suggestions for incorporating eroticism into your daily routines:

1. Cut Back on Complaining: Complaining is neither interesting nor attractive, and it is the antithesis of foreplay. Instead, share your frustrations and get your complaints off your chest at a specific time, such as during a five-minute complaint dump.
2. Upgrade Your Greetings and Goodbyes: How you greet and say goodbye to your partner sets the tone for your interactions throughout the day. Make an effort to convey love and enthusiasm for your partner, even if it's just a long hug or kiss.
3. Text Playfully: Send playful and flirtatious texts throughout the day to keep the spark alive.
4. Leave Love and Sex Notes: Write down your sexual feelings and desires and share them at unexpected times, such as in a love note left in a drawer or on a mirror.
5. Reset with Two Minutes of Physical Intimacy: Take two minutes to breathe in sync, touch each other, and get in sync. This activity can help you feel more present in your own body and more connected to your lover's.
6. Have Intimate Conversations: Engage in conversations that create space for vulnerability and spark passion, such as discussing your deepest fears, personal dreams, and most profound hopes.
7. Take Your Compliments to the Next Level: Weave compliments of pleasantry, flirtatious compliments, and animalistic compliments throughout your daily interactions to show appreciation for sex appeal and let your partner know that you want them.

By incorporating these activities into your daily routines, you can prioritize sexual intimacy and seduction, even in the midst of a busy lifestyle.

Response:
CHAPTER

9

EROTICIZING DAILY INTERACTIONS

Many of our clients struggle to make time for sex and seduction in the context of their busy lifestyles. They like sex. They are attracted to their partners. They have happy relationships. But they just cannot seem to make sex happen, and they want to know how to prioritize eroticism when they're busy with work, friends, family, health, and more.

The short answer: recognize that you are not a light switch, and neither is your partner.

The long answer (we hope you have a while): you cannot be turned on and off with the touch of a button, and neither can your partner, so if you want to have hotter, more frequent sex, you need to consider your daily interactions to ensure that seduction and foreplay begin long before you enter the bedroom (or laundry room, or wherever you choose to get it on).

Do you move through life as roommates, coparents, or business partners? Or do you interact as _lovers?_ Do you enjoy the moment when your bodies brush together as you pass in the hallway? Do you flirt when the opportunity arises? And do you take the time to look at your partner like a juicy piece of meat—a fine fillet? (Or tofu, if you are a vegetarian?)

You can't go from talking about how you're going to balance your budget or complaining about a nosy neighbor to tearing one another's clothes off with the flip of a switch. And so, an important component of seduction involves setting the scene and weaving eroticism into your daily interactions.

When we suggest that you eroticize daily interactions, we're not suggesting that you make everything sexual. You don't need to make every banana, zucchini, and peach the object of sexual innuendo. _Oh yeah. You eat that banana. You eat it sooo good._ That's not what we have in mind. What we're referring to is ongoing playfulness, fun, levity, and flirtation to ensure that your relationship doesn't dissolve into one of roommates or platonic partners who get less (satisfying) action than the banana itself.

If you want to eroticize your daily interactions, you have to go out of your way to do so. It doesn't just happen. Just like wanting to eat healthy doesn't put healthy food in your mouth, wanting to have a hot sex life doesn't put a penis in your mouth (or a pussy in your mouth, or a boobie in your hand, or a finger in your butt). The best of intentions do not produce results. Actions produce results, and so we present you with a wide range of action items you can use to make your day-today dealings more erotic and lay the groundwork for sexual seduction.

Cut Back on Complaining

We know. The weather sucks, traffic is ridiculous, and your coworker's nattering is driving you up the wall. This all may be true, but your partner doesn't need to hear about every single frustration you face on a daily basis. Complaining is neither interesting nor attractive, and it is the antithesis of foreplay. You wouldn't show up to your first, second, or fifth date complaining about your day or bemoaning the humidity, because you wouldn't want to leave a negative impression on a potential partner—and your current partner deserves the same courtesy.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak up when something serious is bothering you or that you need to pretend that all is right in the world. Complaining can be good for you because negative feelings like frustration and disappointment serve a purpose: they help you to identify what you value, what you want, and what you might want to change. When you complain, you acknowledge the emotion you are experiencing, and you need to acknowledge it in order to start reconciling it. Complaining can feel cathartic, and studies suggest that when you accept defeat or crisis, you are better off a year later than those who pretend to be positive.

However, you don't want complaining to drive your conversations or become the basis for connecting in your relationship. And sweating the small stuff (weather, traffic, a rude server or barista) can snowball into venting for hours every day. The more you complain, the more you become accustomed to complaining—from a neurological and habit-based perspective.

To limit your complaining, consider using the _complaint dump._ This is an exercise that allows you to share your frustrations and get your complaints off your chest at a specific time. We suggest you set aside five minutes when you get home to vent about your day's frustrations. You might need five minutes each or five minutes total, and as you become more mindful of your complaining, you will likely find that you will need less time. You will likely learn to address the issues that matter and let the little things go.

Try to whittle your complaints down to two minutes at the end of the workday and then call each other out if you slip into complaint mode later in the evening or on the weekend. As you shift the conversation away from the unnecessary focus on perceived negatives, you will create space for eroticism, playfulness, and flirtation.

Upgrade Your Greetings and Goodbyes

How do you greet your partner? When they walk through the door, do you make eye contact, smile, and take a moment to enjoy being physically present? When you say goodbye, do you take a moment to kiss or embrace as you would if they were leaving on a flight? The little interactions matter, and your greetings and goodbyes set the tone for how you will interact later in the day or week.

Think about how a dog greets you (or its owner). The dog waits longingly for you to walk in. They gaze from a distance and rush to be close to you. They wag their tail, open their mouth, and push their body as close to yours as possible. Can you be more like a dog? Can you take sixty seconds to convey love and enthusiasm for your partner as they depart and return each day? A long hug or kiss can shift the energy in your relationship for the entire day. Research suggests that twenty seconds of hugging12 or thirty seconds of eye contact can result in an oxytocin boost, which is associated with enhanced feelings of safety, trust, love, and connection—all of which increase the likelihood and quality of sex.

Getting bawdy with your lover(s) as you pass by them in your home is a great way to intimately connect. Sometimes, it's the little displays of affection that enhance your greetings and goodbyes and help you to emphasize your shared erotic energy.

Text Playfully

Rather than texting to update them on your day or ask them to pick up milk, send playful drip texts and riddles. For example, you might send them incomplete messages starting in the morning—one line from a song you love at 9 a.m. and then an image that reflects your mood at 10 a.m., just to keep them guessing.

Alternatively, you can create riddles to showcase your thoughtful and playful side. Hide a new pair of underwear or a small gift under the front seat of their car and text them riddles that they have to decipher to find their prize.

Sext Them Photos of Other People—with Consent

Look for erotic photos or videos that turn you on and send them incomplete images, GIFs, or short clips throughout the day. Be sure that these photos and videos are consensually in the public domain. Of course you can send pics of yourself (you are hot!), but changing things up adds the element of unpredictability that is likely to pique their interest and start new conversations. If you do opt to send photos of yourself, ensure that you are of legal age, as there are legal consequences for sharing photos of anyone who is underage (even yourself).

Leave Love and Sex Notes in Unexpected Places

It is easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of work and personal responsibilities, so much so that you start acting like roommates instead of lovers. One way to remind yourself and your partner of your intimate connection involves writing down your sexual feelings and desires and sharing them at unexpected times. You can send them via text, email, social media, postal service, or even use your finger to leave a short note on a steamy mirror while they're in the shower.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Take five pieces of paper and write five messages to your lover to affirm your love, attraction, and connection. Hide them in various spots in your home (or their home), car, bags, or other locations you can access (e.g., their office). You might place them in a drawer they only access once in a while, the bottom of their purse or briefcase, the glove compartment of their car, the back of their armoire, the linen closet, the laundry room, the pantry, or the pocket of an off-season coat. The hope is that they will find them at random intervals and be reminded of the connection you share.

You can make the content of your notes as sweet or sexy as you would like. Here are some examples from our friends and clients:

► Wherever I am today, know that I'm thinking of you—lovingly and naughtily.

► I want to lick you from head to toe.

► I'll be thinking of your soft lips today and every day.

► When you come home, I'm going to bend you over and take care of you just how you like it.

► You are too hot. I cannot get you out of my head.

► I cannot get enough of you—in every way!

► You are the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on, and I love that I get a piece of you for myself.

► I want to get naked with you—and a few of our friends. ;)

► I'm yours for the night. Tell me what you want.

► Tonight, I want you to undress and wait for me in the bedroom.

► I think of you when I wake up every morning and before I go to bed every night.

► You are mine. I adore how naughty you are.

► I love sucking you. I cannot wait to have you tonight.

► (In a lunchbox) This is only part of your lunch. Meet me at my office at 1p.m. so you can eat the rest.

► I love the way you sound when we make love.

► It drives me wild when you adore me.

Reset with Two Minutes of Physical Intimacy

Life sometimes spirals out of control, and we forget to take the time to connect—emotionally and physically. This two-minute activity can help you to feel more present in your own body and more connected to your lover's.

Sit or lie next to one another with your foreheads touching and start to breathe in sync for eleven deep breaths. You may feel uncomfortable and distracted at first, but as you slip into the third and fourth breath, you will likely start to feel more relaxed and close to one another.

Research shows that when you touch your lover, you experience a physiological "interpersonal synchronization" as your heart and breath rates align and pain subsides. Skin conductance, a common method of tracking physical and emotional arousal, also syncs when you sit close to your partner.

So go ahead and get in sync. And if it takes longer than eleven breaths to sync up, do not fret. Stress from the day, distractions, work, your mood, your general health—all of these factors affect connection, so don't put pressure on yourselves to experience a specific result right away. Simply commit to engaging in the process and see how you feel. You may feel the tension subside and be reminded of how close you felt in the past, or you may feel frustrated with the activity altogether, and that is okay. You can try it again tomorrow if today is not your day. The fact that you're willing to try it (again) demonstrates that you are committed to working on your relationship and suggests that you will see improvements over time.

Have Intimate Conversations

You likely speak to your lover every single day, but do you really engage in intimate conversations that create space for vulnerability and spark passion? Do you talk about your jobs, schedules, and families, or do you discuss your deepest fears, personal dreams, and most profound hopes? Oftentimes, the death of passion in relationships occurs when conversations become reduced to mundane reports and updates. _This is what I did today. This is what I'm going to do tomorrow._

Obviously, many of these conversations are required from a logistics perspective, but they do nothing to spark passion, fuel eroticism, or ignite a sexual connection.

Intimate and vulnerable conversations, on the other hand, can lay the groundwork for an erotic connection, as they help you to see your lover as multidimensional; they're not just the person who forgets to hang up their towel or shows up late to meet you, they're also someone who dreams of visiting Mecca, gets nervous watching golf, laughs out loud while watching movies on a plane, and has a weakness for hamster videos. New revelations and reminders may not specifically turn you on, but they make your partner more interesting and (potentially) appealing. Novelty and the unknown are tied to feelings of passion and desire, so consider engaging in conversations that help you to uncover new discoveries about your partner's past, present, and prospective future.

LOVERS' INQUIRIES

Set aside a few minutes to explore the questions in these two Lovers' Inquiries. Take turns asking each question so that you alternate who asks and answers first, and feel free to allow the discussion to flow freely. If you prefer, you can commit to one question per week over the course of the next few months or use these questions to spark discussion on your next car ride, plane trip, or date night.

Lovers' Inquiry: Provoking Passion

► Whom do you admire most and why?

► What global issues concern/consume you?

► What did you daydream about as a child? What do you daydream about now?

► When was the last time you felt really excited?

► What is your fondest memory?

► If you could change one thing about your teenage years, what would it be?

► When do you feel most loved?

► If you had one wish, what would it be? (You cannot ask for more wishes.)

► If you never had to work, how would you spend your ideal day?

► How would you describe an ideal day in the context of your current life?

► What is your first memory of when we met?

► If you could have a drink with anyone in the world, whom would you choose and why?

► When you retire, how do you want to spend your days?

► Name two things you love to do that don't cost much/any money.

Lovers' Inquiry: Initiating Intimacy & Vulnerability

► What is your greatest fear?

► What do you believe about death and the afterlife (if anything)?

► What was the highlight of your childhood?

► What was your greatest struggle as a teen? How have you overcome and grown based on this experience?

► When do you feel most confident? When do you feel most insecure?

► Would you change anything about your upbringing?

► What do you regret most?

► What issue(s) do you struggle with that might surprise people who don't know you?

► What can I do to make you feel more loved?

► Close your eyes and picture your happy place. Describe it to me.

► When do you feel closest to me? Be specific.

► How can I show you that I appreciate you?

Take Your Compliments to the Next Level

One-dimensional compliments (e.g., _You look nice today)_ might help you charm your way to a better table at your local hot spot, but when it comes to sex, you're going to want to step up your game. Weave **compliments of pleasantry** (e.g., _You are so sweet)_ throughout your daily interactions and throw in a few **flirtatious compliments** (e.g., _Wow. You must have been turning heads all day in that dress!)_ to show appreciation for sex appeal. Finally, seal the deal with some **animalistic compliments** (e.g., _I cannot resist the perfect curve of your hips. You drive me wild!_ ) that let them know that you want _them_ —not just sex.

Prioritize and Plan for Sex

While spontaneous sex might arise with ease when you first get together, planning ahead is almost always required in long-term relationships if you are both busy with work and personal commitments. Research suggests that foreplay and seduction should begin twenty-four hours in advance of sex, so that the amygdala, the part of the brain associated with processing emotions, is prepared to set worries and stress aside in favor of pleasure and arousal.

The involvement of the amygdala in sexual arousal helps to explain why many of us cannot transition seamlessly from mundane interactions to erotic engagement—our bodies and our brains need to be primed for sexual activity in advance. So if you want to seduce your lover in the evening, start at breakfast with affection (e.g., a passionate kiss), expressions of admiration (e.g., _I love staring at you),_ and sexual flirtation (e.g., a gentle brush against the thigh). And do not forget to set the scene. You will be surprised how far a few candles or a romantic soundtrack can go. Which brings us to our next suggestion.

Create an Erotic Lair

Sex and real estate have a great deal in common in that it all comes down to location, location, location. In fact, where you opt to seduce your lover and where you have sex can be just as important as how you do it. Most of us have limited real estate and cannot afford a red room or sex chamber in our humble abodes, but we can tweak the lighting, furniture, and props to ensure that our bedrooms are conducive to erotic pleasure.

Play with color to enhance the mood. Red decor and lighting is believed to excite the senses, while whites and blues are believed to be calming. Switching your light switch to a dimmer is one of the most affordable and simple ways to set the mood, and strategically positioned mirrors will appeal not only to visual lovers, but to those who like to get kinky with positions and props. You may not be ready to invest in a sex swing yet, but try to purchase extra pillows that can be used to prop up your bodies into more varied positions. If you find the pillows help you to get more creative, consider purchasing a wedge pillow like the Liberator wedge/ramp combo, which provides lift for multiple angles and lots of soft padding for comfort all around.

And keep those phones, tablets, and computers out of the bedroom if possible . . .

Create Spaces That Are Work- and Tech-Free

Technology can enhance erotic interactions if you are using apps to flirt (check out In the Mood to set a date with your mate) or texting as a form of foreplay. But when devices distract you from being in the moment, research confirms that the costs to the quality of the relationship are significant,13 so be mindful and purposeful about how you consume digital content when you are with your partner(s).

Whether you opt to ban your devices from the dinner table or ensure that your bedroom is free from electronic devices, you are likely to reap the benefits in a matter of days. Research continues to confirm that digital technology detracts from presence and connection even when you are not actively scrolling or typing. The mere presence of a phone detracts from concentration, presence, connection, empathy, and trust.14 This may be because phones serve as a distraction and create the urge to check in, seek additional information, and draw yourself away from the present moment. One study found that when phones are on the table or in our hands, one-on-one conversations become less fulfilling, and empathy declines.

Additionally, the light emitted by phones, laptops, and tablet devices is considered "short-wavelength enriched," which means that it can interfere with the sleep-support hormone, melatonin. The costs of poor sleep include a greater likelihood of conflict the next day, poorer conflict resolution skills, and decreased interest in sex.

Snuggle (Naked)

Cuddling and other forms of physical affection are important in most relationships, because physical affection is one of the ways we express love, desire, and commitment. In North America, for example, we tend to reserve most forms of physical touch for those we love, and many of us are touch deprived. One study found that those who lack affection (and crave more physical affection) experience lower levels of happiness and higher levels of loneliness, depression, relationship dissatisfaction, and stress.

Some of the benefits of cuddling include the release of feelgood hormones (e.g., oxytocin) to boost your mood and a decrease in cortisol, which is associated with stress. One study found that the benefits of cuddling are not fleeting, and that they mirror those of sex; those who engage in sex or physical affection experience less stress and a happier mood the following day,15 and those who receive more hugs from a partner have lower blood pressure.

Couples who are more physically affectionate report higher levels of love, fondness, and relationship satisfaction,16 and when you express physical affection, your partner is more likely to see you as likable, trustworthy, and composed. Research also suggests that cuddling can help stave off and improve the management of conflict.17

While snuggles can heighten intimacy and erotic connection, it is important to note that if you only cuddle as a means to a specific sexual end, you may find yourself feeling unfulfilled, as research suggests that cuddling only leads to sex 17 percent of the time.18 However, physical affection for the sake of the experience itself can strengthen the relationship overall.

For most of us, it's important to engage in both sexual and nonsexual affection, because at some point, you may stop having sex temporarily (e.g., during busy work periods, after childbirth, or when grieving); if the only time you are affectionate is during (or prior to) sex, you may stop being affectionate altogether. This is a common experience for couples who have trained themselves to reserve affection and cuddling exclusively for sex play. Cuddling, of course, is only one form of affection, but it is a particularly beneficial one.

If you want more cuddles and your partner isn't much of a snuggler, talk to them about your desires. Make a request without complaining. This is the mistake most of us make: we wait until we're frustrated to express (or identify) our own needs, and then we complain, as opposed to making constructive requests. When our partner recognizes a complaint, they are more likely to ignore it, withdraw, or become defensive instead of listening and responding with support. Consider adapting the following language to reflect your needs and style:

_I love when you hold me from behind. It reminds me just how strong you are._

_When you hold me, I feel closer to you. It really helps me to destress._

_I'm so stressed out. But when you touch me or kiss me, it helps me relax._

_Kiss my forehead. It makes me feel loved._

_Let's cuddle. It's my escape from the pressure of the real world._

_We used to lie in bed all day. And it almost always led to sex. I want more of that. Can you block off Sunday for lazing around?_

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Oftentimes a lack of physical affection results from busy schedules or a lack of understanding of our partner's (and our own) desires. To address or curtail potential misunderstandings, talk to your partner about what you want using the following prompts to guide you:

► On a scale of one to ten, how important is physical touch to you?

► How does your family express affection? How has this shaped your desire for touch?

► How do you like to be touched? For example, do you want to cuddle naked or simply hold hands while we watch a movie?

► Are there times when you crave more touch? Are there times when you prefer not to be touched?

► Do you want me to touch you more often? Show me how.

These are practical questions, and you can adapt and add others as they arise. Just as you ask dinner guests about their dietary restrictions and preferences, so too should you ask intimate partners about their preferences when it comes to affection, cuddling, and other expressions of love.

Note on physical touch: You have a right to ask for what you want, but your partner is not obliged to meet every one of your needs. In fact, no single person can be expected to fulfill every one of your needs, from the emotional and practical to the social and sexual. You ultimately have to take responsibility for yourself and seek out multiple sources of support. For example, if you want more physical affection and your partner wants less, you may consider how your friends, pets, kids, and professionals (e.g., massage therapists) can also contribute to your desire for physical touch.

Touch Your Partner When You Are Not in the Mood

One of the most meaningful times to be physically affectionate is when you don't want to be. This doesn't mean that you should do anything against your will, but if you can break through the frustration, anger, exhaustion, and resentment and just reach out and touch one another, you will likely find that reconnecting physically will help you to reconnect emotionally; these negative feelings that interfere with an erotic connection may subside as your body responds to the power of touch.

Stare at Their Best Assets

It's okay to objectify your partner within the context of a loving, respectful relationship. You can honor your partner _and_ love their breasts. You can respect their intellect _and_ lust after their booty. True love and animalistic lust need not be mutually exclusive.

In the early stages of a relationship, physical admiration and desire for your partner are fueled by curiosity, nervousness, and the desire to uncover the unknown. You lust after your new love interest as you subconsciously fill in the ambiguities to idealize your potential mate. Over time, however, the primal desire evolves and real life takes over. We stop _looking_ at our partner as a lover and begin to regard them more as a person who plays multiple roles—best friend, roommate, confidante, coparent. And though it is absolutely desirable to see your lover as a complete person and not just a sex object, maintaining a piece of animalistic admiration for them will sustain the erotic connection over the long term.

The next time your partner walks through the door, do not ask about their day or talk about your schedules. Instead, stare at their best assets. Soak in the sex appeal that first attracted you to them. Stop what you're doing, focus on what you see in the moment, and _look_ at your lover. Pick a body part you love and focus on it like an animal in heat.

Try this when they annoy you too. Did they leave a tiny drop of milk in the jug and put it back in the fridge? Instead of muttering under your breath, think about their biceps. Is their laundry strewn across the bedroom floor? Pick it up for them as you visualize their soft breasts.

Forget about all of their annoying habits and _objectify_ them. Lay on the compliments and be flirtatious. Make a conscious effort to shelve whatever conflict, tension, and stress exist for a few minutes at the end of every workday and just admire them for their physical assets. This will not always lead to sex, but it will remind you that underneath those tiresome habits lies a body that excites you and brings you pleasure.

Avoid Dialogue That Is Self-Pitying

Complaining to identify needs is one thing, but self-pity and self-deprecation wreak havoc on sexual interactions. When you start conversations with self-pity, it can be antiseductive. Self-pitying phrases include, "I haven't had sex in a while, so I don't remember how to do this," "I'm really not good at this," or "I feel like an amateur compared to you." These statements signal to a potential lover that the sexual experience probably won't be good, and they may lose focus; rather than enjoying the experience, they will likely feel pressured to respond to and counter your self-pity.

Revisit Your Early Relationship

Why Do I Love You Again? involves a trip down memory lane. It is a simple way to revisit and reignite the attraction you experienced when you first met.

Set aside thirty minutes with your lover and ensure that you eliminate all potential distractions. I know it's tough, but this is a partnered exercise and isn't intended for the wide world of social media, so shut down your devices and take some time to slow down. I didn't believe it myself until I tried it, but somehow the Twitter-verse manages to survive without us while we take time to recharge.

You can complete this exercise one of two ways: take turns answering the following questions face-to-face or, if you prefer, print them out and jot down your responses before sharing them.

LOVERS' INQUIRY: WHY DO I LOVE YOU AGAIN?

Take some time to reflect and try to be as honest as possible as you respond to the following questions. Feel free to share your answers with your partner.

► What was the first thing you noticed about your lover?

► What first attracted you to your lover?

► On your first date, what excited you most?

► On your first date, what made you nervous?

► Do you remember the first time you kissed? What was it like?

► Do you remember the first time you had sex? What was it like?

► What is one awkward intimate moment you wouldn't want to relive but are able to laugh about now?

► Can you remember the wildest/hottest sex you ever had? What made it so memorable?

► How has your partner changed for the better since you first met?

Other options for recalling the feelings and sexual tension of your early days together involve retelling the story of how you met, reenacting your first date, visiting the location of your first kiss (or other memorable first), listening to your song under the covers, or simply talking about hot sexual memories from your past.

Do Not Complain About Your Body

This is a life changer. In a world that profits from teaching you to dislike your body, liking your body is a revolutionary act. When you complain about your body, it can detract from your partner's appreciation and admiration of it. For example, if you complain about your butt or tummy, they may assume that you want them to avoid touching these areas. And when you complain about your body, you both become less present and mindful. For instance, if you complain about your body in bed, it can divert their focus away from the experience at hand as they try to reassure you or respond to your complaints.

When you like your body, your partner is likely to be more at ease with their physical appearance, as body image is contagious.

The next time you catch yourself ready to complain about your body, try one of these five approaches instead:

**1\. Think about what you like about your body.** Do you appreciate your skin, your hair, your toes, or the shape of your calves? Identify one thing you like (or think about a feature you know your lover likes) and repeat it to yourself. _I love the way my skin feels. I love the way my butt looks in jeans. I like the way my skin glows after sex._

**2\. Pay attention to the function and performance of your body.** Does it support you in the realm of dance, fitness, hiking, sex, or another physical activity you enjoy? Does it take you places or allow you to connect with people in physical spaces? In your mind (or aloud or on paper), show your body gratitude by thanking it for a specific performance, function, or activity. _Thank you for allowing me to sway to the beat of the drums. Thank you for allowing me to move at will. Thank you for carrying me to far-off lands. Thank you for allowing me to volunteer in my community._ Your body is the vessel that carries you through life, and learning to appreciate it for its function as opposed to its form may help you to feel more connected to and grateful for it.

**3\. Use the ninety-nine rule.** Consider whether or not your current concern about your body will matter when you are ninety-nine years old—especially within the context of your relationship. Will you be worried about your stretch marks or forehead lines when you are lying in bed after nearly a hundred years on the planet? Or will you be grateful for the time you spent with your loved ones? Will you wish you had spent more energy worrying about the shape or size of your body, or will you be grateful that it served you for so many years?

The ninety-nine rule can also be helpful when you are facing conflict and tension with your partner. Consider the issue and contemplate whether or not it will matter to you when you're older. Will you remember why you were fighting or what point you were trying to prove? Some issues are worth addressing, and will improve when you engage in conflict. Others, however, are trivial and will not matter in the long run. The ninety-nine rule can help you to keep things in perspective.

**4\. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend, a sibling, or a child.** You wouldn't bash your best friend's body or disparage your own in front of a young child. Show yourself the same respect you show others.

**5\. Compliment someone else.** When body bashing is on the tip of your tongue, try redirecting your focus to someone else—your partner, a friend, a coworker, or anyone else in your presence. When you give a compliment, you improve social interactions and make them more enjoyable, elicit reciprocal warmth and positive intentions from others, and get a boost in self-esteem and positive emotions.

Just as performing acts of kindness can reduce anxiety, alleviate pain, and even lower blood pressure, giving genuine compliments can reduce negative feelings (and beliefs) as you redirect your focus to something positive.

Play Pranks

Be playful and bring levity to your daily interactions whenever possible. Laughter can set the mood for erotic interactions, and couples who are more playful have more exciting and fulfilling sex. Playfulness comes in many forms. You might simply joke around at the breakfast table, sing silly songs in the car, wrestle them into bed, or play lighthearted pranks (e.g., changing their ringtone to your best karaoke version of "I Want Your Sex").

Another option involves playing the Sixty-Second Spit challenge. One partner fills their mouth with water and tries not to spit it out while the other partner does everything they possibly can to make them laugh for one minute.

However you play, let it serve as a reminder that life and sex do not always have to be serious.

Use a Role Ritual to Shift into Your Lover Role

We all play a variety of roles in our relationships and day-today lives. Oftentimes our professional, social, and familial roles come to define us, and our roles as lovers tend to take a back seat. Using a role ritual at the end of the day or before you begin your weekend (or time off) can remind you both that in addition to being friends, roommates, community members, coparents, and partners, you are also lovers, and you deserve to indulge in this role without guilt or distraction. A role ritual signals a shift from your public role(s) to the private, more sensual one you play exclusively with your partner(s).

Your role ritual might be most effective if it helps you to relax, enjoy yourself, and be the best version of yourself. You might pick a song, mix a cocktail, change your clothes, switch your phone off, write in a journal, close the blinds, stretch, read a few pages of a book, adjust the lighting, or shake it out on your living room dance floor—it's entirely up to you. Whatever ritual you choose, allow it to serve as a reminder that you no longer need to think or talk about work, kids, chores, or your schedule; instead, relax and enjoy quality time with yourself and your partner. Performing the role ritual doesn't mean you have to have sex, but simply that you commit to spending time together as lovers—touching, smiling, laughing, and connecting in an intimate way—however you define it.

Share Daydreams

Just as talking about sexual fantasies can enhance connection, understanding, and the erotic charge in your relationship, so too can allowing your minds to wander into nonsexual fantasy territory. Do you dream of winning the lottery and imagine exactly how you would allocate the funds? Do you reminisce about your younger years as an athlete and daydream about what life might have been like had you gone pro? Perhaps your mind wanders to a fantastical world in which you live among the animals, at one with nature? Whatever you dream about during your waking hours, consider sharing some of your most untamed thoughts with your lover(s) and indulge in the dopamine high associated with anticipatory and/or hopeful daydreams.

By offering your lover(s) a glimpse into your most personal reveries—however luxuriant or impractical they may be—you will likely broaden their understanding of the way you think and the feelings you yearn to fulfill. Your daydreams may reveal a side of you they have yet to see, and the novelty of the revelations can reignite passion and desire as they see you in a whole new light. This can improve daily interactions outside the bedroom and has the potential to lead to new conversations related to both personal and sexual fulfillment.

Admire (and Even Flirt With) Others Together

A wandering eye is not the same as a wandering heart, but since monogamy is touted as the ideal and default setting in romantic relationships, you may have been conditioned to desire a lover who only has eyes for you. This expectation of exclusive sexual attraction is not only unrealistic but can lead to disappointment and letdown when you're reminded that you are not the only attractive person on the planet (or on their radar).

The reality is that regardless of the intensity of love or attraction between you, your lover will most likely admire and experience attraction to other people. This doesn't mean that they will want or need to act upon this attraction, but if you both give yourselves permission to be honest about your desires, it can enhance and eroticize your relationship. Many people report that talking about forbidden or taboo thoughts serves to reduce the power of those thoughts and decrease the likelihood of acting upon them.

Experiencing and expressing attraction and admiration for other folks is normal and healthy—even if it makes you uncomfortable. Many couples find that opening up about their natural feelings not only enlivens their attraction to one another, but also deepens connection, owing to the honesty and vulnerability that underpins the associated discussions. You don't have to share every thought or sexual desire with your partner, but consider beginning with a discussion of celebrities you admire or sharing some of the details from your sex dreams (which, of course, are beyond your control).

It's also worth noting that the act of trying to suppress a thought (e.g., a fantasy about someone other than your partner) only results in a higher frequency of its occurrence. The reoccurrence of the thought is called the rebound effect. You may have heard of the white bear experiments. Study participants were divided into two groups: the first group was told _not_ to think of a white bear for five minutes and then told they could think of anything they wanted, including white bears, for the next five-minute interval. The next group was simply told they could think of anything, including white bears, for five minutes. The first group—the group that was told to suppress the thought—found that they thought about white bears more often.

If you are uncomfortable with your partner's attraction to other people, acknowledge your feelings and ask yourself why you feel the way you do. What values or messages contribute to your feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness? You may be able to ask your partner to offer you reassurance or even make small adjustments to their behavior (if they feel so inclined), but ultimately, you are responsible for managing your own reactions. Remember that jealousy is both a universal emotion and, in some cases, a functional one, as it can help you to identify what you value or aspire to. In most cases, it's your reaction to feelings of jealousy that determines the outcome; the next time you feel jealous, consider using jealousy constructively (e.g., to examine and talk about your feelings) as opposed to lashing out, making accusations, or withdrawing from open communication. And if you're dealing with a jealous partner, lead with empathy, knowing that jealousy is a feeling—not a character flaw.

Play Music in Your Bedroom

Music can move you, and research suggests that those who listen to loud music have more sex!19 Music can shift your mood, improve your perspective, boost confidence, and help you relax—all of which have the potential to heighten your erotic connection. The contagion hypothesis suggests that we mimic what we hear in our environment, so create a playlist that helps to cultivate the emotions you need to feel in order to get in the mood.

Do you want to feel powerful? Listen to heavy bass. Looking to feel amorous? Pick tunes from your early days of dating. Do you need help decompressing at the end of a stressful day? Choose a mellow melody. Is happiness your core erotic feeling? Play an anthem that lifts you up. Identify the emotion that underpins your core erotic script and find the music to match!

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Find your favorite music application and make a love song playlist that you and your lover(s) will appreciate. If you have a smart-speaking personal assistant, you can call on it to play the list any time you want to set the mood!

Schedule Appreciation Check-Ins

Whether you are in a long-term relationship or not, an appreciation check-in is one way to keep you bonded over time. Do this at least once a week to remind yourselves what you love and adore about one another. As a weekly activity, it can help you to reflect more specifically on something they did that you liked or appreciated. We all love to be appreciated, and what better way to absorb that information than while spending quality time together?

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Reflect upon these questions or use them as writing prompts in your journal.

Considering your day today . . .

What kinds of erotic daily interactions did you have?

Did you get to flirt?

Did you send a sexy text?

Were there any missed opportunities with a potential lover?

How would you change the day to include more erotic daily interactions?

What will you do tomorrow?

Remember, it's important both to plan for eroticism and to think on your feet.

However you inject eroticism into your daily routines, remember that sex doesn't just happen—you have to make it happen. If you wait until you're in the mood for sex, the mood may never strike, so make small adjustments to your morning, midday, and evening routines that make you feel sexier and more open to sex. You do not have to do it all. Simply pick one item from this long list of options and get started right now. Don't delay. There's no time like the present.


Input:
 The passage discusses the importance of physical touch in sexual seduction and foreplay, highlighting the various erogenous zones and touch techniques that can enhance sexual pleasure. It emphasizes the need to communicate and experiment with different touch techniques to find what works best for each individual and their partner(s).

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: What are some of the most sensitive erogenous zones and touch techniques that can enhance sexual pleasure during foreplay, and why is communication important in experimenting with these techniques?

A: Physical touch is an essential component of sexual seduction and foreplay. While every body is different, there are certain erogenous zones that tend to be more sensitive to touch. These include the suprasternal notch, the sides of the chest, the philtrum, the belly button, the treasure trail, the perineum, the pucker, the shoulders, the nape of the neck and ears, and the nipples. It's important to communicate with your partner about what feels good and to experiment with different touch techniques to find what works best for each individual.

Touch is associated with decreased heart rate and blood pressure and with increased oxytocin levels, which is a hormone associated with bonding and relaxation. When it comes to erogenous zones, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. It's essential to communicate with your partner about what feels good and to experiment with different touch techniques to find what works best for each individual.

Here are some touch techniques to try:

1. The Butterfly Kiss: Gently flutter your fingertips over your partner's skin, alternating between fingers one or two at a time.
2. Slow-Motion Pitter-Patter: Use the backs of your fingertips to create a tingly sensation as you tenderly flutter them along the spine, around the lower back, across the shoulder blades, or down the sides of the chest.
3. The Breath Kiss: The Breath Kiss involves bringing your wet lips as close to their skin as possible and breathing a gentle kiss without touching.
4. The Reverse Trace: Trace your fingers and the tops of your hands across the body slowly, starting at the neck and working your way down, or start at the waist and work your way up and back to the middle.
5. Tantalizing Pulls: Begin with the tips of all five fingers resting gently on the surface of the skin. Draw all five fingers together toward a center point as slowly as possible, maintaining the lightest touch possible.
6. Effleurage: Use the palms of your hands to massage the entire surface of their body in wide, sweeping circular (or oval-shaped) movements.
7. Figure Eights: Glide the palms of your hands in sweeping figure-eight patterns across the body.
8. Finger Drawing: Draw your physical touch and energy across their body to create heat, desire, and circulation.
9. The Body Slide: Cover your body in oil or lotion and slide it all along your lover's body.
10. Trickle: Use your fingertips to awaken the nerve endings that are most sensitive to light touch.
11. Spread Stripe: Start with all ten fingers in the center of their back, stomach, or thighs. Spread them in opposite directions, starting with firm pressure and releasing as you reach the edges.
12. The Wet Trace: Use your tongue or even a finger with lube or massage oil to paint a wet line, and then breathe gently over the Wet Trace you've created.
13. Grounding: Grounding techniques are used to facilitate presence, and physical grounding can help cultivate presence through awareness of touch sensations.
14. Two-Handed Heart: Using your palms, slide in an upward sensual motion and then stroke outward to trace the shape of a heart all the way back down to the starting point.
15. Change of Pace: Alternate between a firm palm rubbing in a slow, circular motion and gentle figure eights with two light fingers over the same area.
16. Hard-Soft Stroke: Using massage oil, pull and press firmly with your knuckles in one direction, and then switch up to a soft, gentle, barely there palm in the other direction.
17. Freestyle: Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and simply touch for your own pleasure. Feel their skin beneath your fingers—pay attention to the texture, the temperature, the curves, and the consistency as you run your hands over their entire body.
18. Kissing: If there is one complaint we hear from folks in long-term relationships, it is that their partner doesn't kiss them enough. Experiment with different kissing techniques to add novelty to your routine.

Remember, communication is key in experimenting with these techniques. Ask your partner what feels good, and be open to feedback.

Response:
CHAPTER

10

PHYSICAL SEDUCTION AND FOREPLAY

When most of us think of sex, we think of the physical part first, but sexual pleasure can be drawn from a multiplicity of sources and experiences. We've already discussed a variety of approaches, including the verbal, emotional, and visual, so now it is time to move on to the physical components of sexual seduction and foreplay.

Physical touch is essential to human growth and survival. Some of the potential benefits associated with affection include lower blood pressure, an increase in oxytocin, a reduction in stress hormones, pain alleviation, heightened immunity, and lower levels of anxiety.

Physical touch activates various regions of the brain associated with thought and emotion. Touch is associated with decreased heart rate and blood pressure and with increased oxytocin levels. And the benefits of physical touch flow in both directions—to the giver and receiver. A study found that when women touch their partners as a sign of support, there is more activity in their own ventral striatum, a region associated with reward processing.20

As you experiment with physical components of seduction, you don't need to think about why it affects you, but rather _how_ it affects you and your lover(s). Different types of touch may be suited to different lovers, different areas of the body, and also different moments in time. The way a partner wants to be touched on Monday night after a long day might be different than how they want to be touched on a lazy Sunday morning. Below, we begin with an exploration of erogenous zones and then discuss a variety of touch techniques you can try on your own or with a partner.

The Hottest Erogenous Zones

Erogenous zones are areas of the body that are associated with sexual excitement and arousal. Of course, the whole body represents one big potential erogenous zone, but there are specific spots that tend to be more sensitive to physical seduction and touch. They vary from person to person, as no two bodies are alike. While you may love a gentle tickle against the back of your knees, your best friend might find it irritating or uncomfortable. This, of course, brings us back to the necessity of talking to the person(s) with whom you are having sex.

We've said it before and we'll say it again: if you want to have _the sex,_ you have to talk about _the sex._

When it comes to erogenous zones, you might find that your most sensitive spots vary from day to day and that your mood, health, partner, and even positioning play a role in which areas are most responsive to erotic touch. For example, Jenni, who identifies as kinky, has a special and tenuous relationship with the nape of her neck:

_I can have an orgasm from having my neck and back touched, kissed, stroked, and flogged. But at the same time, I will curl up and recoil if you kiss it at the wrong time or in the wrong way. Sometimes it's actually about the partner and not about me._

_So I would say the nape of my neck is both an erogenous zone and a no-go zone, which makes my body a little complicated. This is why before every scene—regardless of whether it's a regular partner or someone new—I have to be very clear about what I'm in the mood for. And during the scene, I give specific directions._ Now. Not now. Lower. Higher. _I'm very specific. I'll even say I want you to increase the intensity by 10 percent. It doesn't sound sexy when I say it now, but it is hot in the moment, because not only am I in control, but I'm utilizing a part of my body in a way that most people know nothing about. Can you imagine having an orgasm simply from an ice cube rubbing against your neck? It's powerful stuff, but it really does require that I communicate excessively, which is worth it to me._

With the right touch (or touch avoidance), any area of the body can ache with desire and swell with arousal. Consider seducing your partner with gentle, but purposeful touch of the following potential erogenous zones:

**Suprasternal notch:** This area, located at the center of the neck just above the collarbone, is highly sensitive to gentle touch, and you will not want to apply much pressure, as it overlies the airway. You can pique your partner's interest by simply tracing your fingertips around this notch with featherlight touch. Alternatively, kiss their collarbone with your lips and tongue and then breathe gentle, warm air over this indentation to arouse their interest. The more you prime an area for pleasure, the more likely they'll be to experience pleasurable sensations in the region during heightened arousal and orgasm.

**The sides of the chest:** The stretch of skin beneath the underarms can be highly responsive to pressure, temperature, texture, and other forms of touch. Use the backs of your hands to trace your fingernails from under their arms to their hips, or play with a leather or feather prop to heighten awareness of this area while you're working your way down and warming them up for oral.

**Philtrum:** The entire face can be highly sensitive to erotic touch, and if you've ever experienced an orgasm during which your face tingles, you likely consider your lips, cheeks, chin, forehead, and eyelids highly erogenous. The word _philtrum_ is derived from the Latin for _love potion,_ and it refers to the sensitive groove right at the center above the upper lip. Try gently brushing up against it with the tip of your nose while you snuggle, or running your lips sensually along it while you kiss.

**Belly button:** The belly button is not only associated with sexuality for its close proximity to the genitals, but it has a history of primal and erotic associations. It is the giver of life and is rich in nerve endings. It has been painted as both visually and tactilely erotic, and its exposure has been banned as indecent in dress codes as a testament to its taboo sexual associations.

If you play around the edges or stimulate the shallow part of its groove, you may experience pleasurable sensations in the surrounding region across the fibers that lead to your spinal cord, which also relay information from your bladder and urethra to your brain. This is why some folks report feeling tingly sensations in their genitals via stimulation of the belly button and others find that orgasmic sensations are intensified via direct contact with the belly button.

**Treasure trail:** The path between the navel and the pubic mound can be particularly responsive to erotic touch, and you might find that your hair-grooming practices affect how you interpret these sensations. If your partner has pubic hair, trace your fingertips gently around, swirling to create a bit of heat and friction. If they are bare, use the backs of your fingers to gently awaken their nerve endings, and breathe warm air along the trail with a wide-open mouth to arouse interest and draw awareness to the pelvic region.

**Perineum:** This is the space between the scrotum and the anus or between the lower vulva and the anus, depending on your anatomy. You might also hear it referred to as the _taint, gooch,_ or _chode._

If you have a penis, you may be able to access the inner bulb of its base through the perineum—press firmly with several fingers or a toy right behind the balls. Pulse or slide with pressure or use a vibrating toy.

The We-Vibe Verge is a penis ring that wraps around the base of the penis and balls and vibrates against the perineum. It can be worn in multiple positions depending on your preference, but if you want to stimulate the sensitive penile bulb, allow the vibrating extension arm to press firmly against your perineum.

If you have a vulva, a smooth flat toy like the We-Vibe Touch or a powerful vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand can create rumbly sensations against this erogenous area.

**Pucker:** You do not have to go inside to have anal sex. Good stuff happens on the outside too. The pucker (bum hole) tends to be sensitive to light touch from a finger, tongue, or vibrator. Twirl your way around it before pressing gently on the outside with your thumb, or use your tongue to lick petals around it as though it is the center of a daisy.

**Shoulders:** Though stimulation of your shoulders is unlikely to result in a deluge of orgasmic pleasure, the shoulders may hold the key to desire and arousal. Many of us harbor tension in this region, so a shoulder rub may be all we need to let go of our stress and feel more connected to both our own body and our partner's.

**The nape of the neck and ears:** A cross-cultural study of nearly 800 participants found that people of all genders rate the nape of the neck and ears as highly erotic, with a high "ability to facilitate sexual arousal."21 Plant soft kisses here when you're out in public to build anticipation and give them a taste of what's to come.

**Nipples:** Folks of all genders can derive exceptional pleasure from nipple play, and some people can reach orgasm from nipple stimulation alone. The genital sensory cortex, which is also activated through stimulation of the vagina and clitoris, may be involved in this process. Research suggests that nipple play releases oxytocin, which induces both relaxation and pleasure. Consider these nonsequential techniques for chest, breast, and nipple play:

► Tease by breathing warm air around the area until they are begging for you to suck them into your warm, supple lips.

► Slide your lips over their nipple and twirl your tongue all around the areola with a wide, flat tongue.

► Curl your tongue around the underside of the chest while you run the backs of your hands down the sides with the softest touch.

► Tell them how much you love them! _They're perfect. I can't get enough of them._

► Work your way from the outer edges of their chest, slowly circling toward the center with your tongue, lips, or your favorite sensual prop. You can use your hands, your mouth, your nose, or anything that will create a unique sensation.

► Roll their nipples as lightly as possible between your thumb and index or middle finger.

► Nibble on their nipples as they approach orgasm, as the pain thresholds can double at this point in the sexual response cycle. The overlap between pleasure and pain can intensify orgasm, and researchers believe that this may be related to the activation of various brain regions including the anterior cingulate gyrus, lateral prefrontal cortex, insula, amygdala, and cerebellum (just to name a few).22

► Pinch and release their nipples every half second right before orgasm.

► Play with ice cubes or Popsicles and be sure to lick up every last drop.

**Create your own erogenous zone:** Create erotic or orgasmic associations by stimulating any part of your lover's body right before or during orgasm. For example, if you make a habit of stroking the center of their palm while they orgasm over and over again, they may come to associate the stroking of this area with orgasmic pleasure. This learned association connecting an area of the body to peak erotic experiences can come in handy when you're looking to seduce them in the car, at the dinner table, or in bed—a simple stroke of their inner palm (or any other area you choose) might arouse a subconscious interest in sex and/ or signal to them that sex is on your mind.

**Not so erogenous: feet.** Despite the fact that the foot is a popular fetish and we tend to derive pleasure from having our feet rubbed, research suggests that the feet are not particularly erogenous. In fact, a study published in the journal _Cortex_ reveals that the foot ties with the lowly kneecap in terms of its capacity for pleasure and arousal.23

Avoiding Your Erogenous Zones

Oftentimes sex is framed as a goal-oriented act with orgasm as the grand finale. It follows that your focus oftentimes narrows to emphasize genital pleasure with the goal of getting off. But what if you were to avoid your hottest spots for a few minutes (or longer)? Chances are, the anticipation and excitement would build into a powerful crescendo of pleasure, and you would naturally find yourself more mindful of the present moment.

The next time you engage in sex play, make your hottest spots off-limits for the first three to five minutes, and then increase the deprivation time as you play with the power of anticipation as a tool for more mindful sex. As you will recall, sexual gratification can be just as intense during the anticipation stage thanks to a spike in dopamine—the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward.

Now that we have discussed some of the most common erogenous zones, let us explore specific techniques to build anticipation, desire, arousal, and pleasure.

Erotic Touch Techniques

As you experiment with new and varied erotic touch techniques, we suggest that you keep a few things in mind:

► Carve out the time, space, and energy to try each of these out with your lover(s). When you are in a rush, it can be difficult to really _feel_ a new experience, so set dedicated time aside and do not feel you need to test them all in one shot.

► Be open to the new sensations and accept that not every approach will work for you. If you don't like a specific type of touch, that's okay. Bear in mind, however, that your body is constantly changing, so what may not work today could turn out to be irresistibly appealing in a few weeks. This constant evolution of sexual experiences is what keeps sex fresh and exciting, so while you should not force yourself to like something, you may want to try it at least twice before you submit your final verdict.

► Try them all. Oftentimes, when we suggest a specific technique, we are met with an "are you kidding me?" response. This is because instructions in print and even visual demonstrations cannot possibly convey the physical sensation of a technique. Once you give them a try, however, you might be surprised by the feelings themselves as well as the corollary learning.

► Make them your own. Change them. Rename them. Add a twist. There is no right way to perform any technique, so don't get hung up on following our directions to a T. These are guidelines intended to spark _your_ creativity.

► Check your body. Remember, it's more seductive when you are being hygienic with clean hands, nails, and other body parts that you are going to be sharing with yourself or with a lover. Be sure to check for any scratches and cover up any open wounds that may be involved in your sexual experience.

As you read through, you might try some of them on your arm or thigh for a few moments, or you can read with a partner and pause to take a few minutes with each technique.

The Butterfly Kiss

Warm up your fingertips and slather them in your favorite oil, balm, or massage lotion. Gently flutter them over your partner's skin, alternating between fingers one or two at a time. Consider beginning with their hips and working your way slowly down to their outer ankles. Then work your way back up their inner legs until you reach their inner thighs.

Slow-Motion Pitter-Patter

Similar to the Butterfly Kiss—use the _backs_ of your fingertips to create a tingly sensation as you tenderly flutter them along the spine, around the lower back, across the shoulder blades, or down the sides of their chest. Move very slowly and change the pattern and order of how you flutter your fingers every thirty seconds.

The Breath Kiss

The _Kama Sutra_ promotes the Breath Kiss as a sensual approach to arouse the interest of a woman and prime her for sexual pleasure; our experience, however, tells us that the same principles can be applied regardless of gender. Breath kisses have the potential to create pleasure that extends across the entire surface of the skin and beyond. The Breath Kiss involves bringing your wet lips as close to their skin as possible and breathing a gentle kiss without touching. Breathe a few warm kisses over the back of their neck at breakfast or dinner. Take them by the hand while you're in the car and breathe sensuous kisses over their inner wrists. While you are warming them up, lick around their thighs and hips to create a wet spot, and then breathe gentle kisses over the moistened area.

The Breath Kiss is among our favorite physical seduction techniques, as these kisses can be planted all over the body and can help eager, well-intended lovers to s-l-o-w down in the heat of the moment.

Remember that you are not blowing out a candle or blowing on dice for good luck; the Breath Kiss involves a gentle but purposeful exhale. You can breathe kisses over the entire body from head to toe. Take your time. Covering every square inch. Because when you stimulate the entire body—even with your breath—you are more likely to create full-body anticipation and pleasure when the time for sex and orgasm arises.

The Reverse Trace

This is an important touch technique for people who tend to move too quickly or too aggressively. Consider setting a timer on this one so that you take at least a few minutes to caress and explore your partner's skin only with the backs of your hands—no grabbing or kneading allowed. Trace your fingers and the tops of your hands across the body slowly, starting at the neck and working your way down. Or start at the waist and work your way up and back to the middle. Vary your touch pattern from straight lines to curved esses to figure eights to more organic movements that reflect your mood. Enjoy the sensation against your skin and take note of how your hands feel when you leave your palms out of the touch equation.

Tantalizing Pulls

Begin with the tips of all five fingers resting gently on the surface of the skin. You can utilize this touch technique across the entire body—from the calves and thighs to the shoulders and small of the back. Little by little, draw all five fingers together toward a center point as slowly as you possibly can, maintaining the lightest touch possible. When you arrive at the center, gradually extend your fingers back out and repeat, inching your way along their skin. You can play with Tantalizing Pulls on their shoulders or scalp at the dinner table, or tease and please around their butt cheeks or breasts as you lie naked in bed.

Effleurage

Use the palms of your hands to massage the entire surface of their body in wide, sweeping circular (or oval-shaped) movements. You can opt to move both hands in unison or alternate between your right and left, keeping both palms pressed warmly against their skin the entire time.

Figure Eights

As an alternative to circular strokes, glide the palms of your hands in sweeping figure-eight patterns across the body. Do not avoid their hot spots, but do not spend any extra time on them as you cover the full surface of their skin over and over again.

Finger Drawing

Draw your physical touch and energy across their body to create heat, desire, and circulation. Cover your hands in your favorite massage oil or lotion and run all ten fingers in a straight line from their neck all the way down to their toes and back up again. Start slowly and gently and gradually increase the speed and pressure. Feel the contours of their body with your fingertips, and consider blindfolding them to help them relax and really sink into the sensations.

The Body Slide

Cover your body in oil or lotion and slide it all along your lover's body. You can have your lover lie on their stomach and slide along their backside or rub your thighs along the length of their legs. There is no one way to master the Body Slide, but in massage parlors, they often slide their body up the full length of the backside before turning their partner over onto their back and sliding masterfully down the front.

Trickle

Use your fingertips to awaken the nerve endings that are most sensitive to light touch: the tactile corpuscles. These mechanoreceptors are primed for heightened pleasure (they do not interpret pain), and you can use the tips of your fingers or the tip of your nose in a circular pattern to spread pleasure along your partner's inner arms, outer chest, or treasure trail region.

Spread Stripe

Start with all ten fingers in the center of their back, stomach, or thighs. Spread them in opposite directions, starting with firm pressure and releasing as you reach the edges, then pull them back together, increasing the pressure as you return to your starting point. Repeat and feel free to swirl your fingers in various patterns as you draw outward and ease up and then pull them back together with firmer touch.

The Wet Trace

Use your tongue or even a finger with lube or massage oil to paint a wet line, and then breathe gently over the Wet Trace you've created. Use an open mouth for warm air, or purse your lips to create a cooler sensation. Temperature play can be highly erotic as you shift between breathing warm air against the skin with a wide-open mouth and cool air with tightly pursed lips to activate your lover's sensitive thermoreceptors.

Grounding

Grounding techniques are used to facilitate presence, and we use physical grounding to cultivate presence through awareness of touch sensations. One simple grounding technique involves connecting through purposeful, firm touch. This can be particularly useful when exploring gentle touch techniques that are unpredictable. For example, if you are gently fluttering your fingers over your lover's chest, pressing your other hand firmly against their thigh or holding their hand can help them to focus on your physical connection and feel more in the moment. If you're working your tongue gently around their abdomen or breathing gentle kisses against their skin, you might consider wrapping your hand around their vulva or thigh to encourage physical connection and grounding.

Two-Handed Heart

Using your palms, slide in an upward sensual motion and then stroke outward to trace the shape of a heart all the way back down to the starting point. You can do this on the back, around the butt, or even over their thighs or calves—in almost any position.

Change of Pace

Warm them up with a firm palm rubbing in a slow, circular motion for six to eight strokes to create a sense of grounding and connection. Then follow up with gentle figure eights with two light fingers over the same area for six to eight strokes to create anticipation and heighten sensitivity. Switch back and forth between the warm, comforting palm and the gentle, less predictable touch for the two-finger figure-eight pattern. Alternate at different intervals—you can switch after three or four strokes, or extend to a dozen strokes per touch pattern to keep them guessing and help draw your focus to the pressure, temperature, rhythm, and movement of your touch.

Hard-Soft Stroke

Using massage oil, pull and press firmly with your knuckles in one direction, and then switch up to a soft, gentle, barely there palm in the other direction. Try this stroke across the body, extending your touch to every square inch over the course of ten to fifteen minutes. When you alternate between various touch techniques and pressures, it can help them to be more mindful and present as they focus on the different physical sensations.

Freestyle

Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and simply touch for your own pleasure. Feel their skin beneath your fingers—pay attention to the texture, the temperature, the curves, and the consistency as you run your hands over their entire body. If space and flexibility allows, bring other body parts into the mix—touch them with the sides of your cheeks, your nose, your chin, your chest, or whatever other body part thrills you. Allow yourself to explore for exploration's sake. Touch for pleasure's sake with no goal in mind. If you take just five minutes to freestyle touch, you will likely find that the way you feel about your lover changes, and the way you see their body shifts as you explore with your eyes closed. You may also notice that the way you feel connected to your own body changes as you focus in on the physical sensations of touch alone and release worries, goals, and expectations.

Kissing

If there is one complaint we hear from folks in long-term relationships—including those who are thrilled with their sex lives—it is that their partner doesn't kiss them enough. I also hear concerns that the kissing simply isn't as passionate, deep, or sensual as it was in the beginning. And this is to be expected.

When you first meet a new partner, you tend to kiss and make out with fervor. You are fascinated by the novelty of the situation and excited by the potential of where kissing might lead.

But over time, as you get to know one another, the allure of making out can subside. It's not that kissing doesn't feel good, but once you have engaged in other types of sex, you may no longer experience the thrill of the unknown that you derived from kissing early on. There are, of course, exceptions, but in the early stages of a relationship, kissing often serves as a prelude to sex, whereas in long-term relationships, it is often a tool of affection. It obviously doesn't need to be this way, so if you want more kissing in your life, speak up and ask for it. Better yet, lean in and plant a kiss on your lover's lips instead of waiting for them to seduce you.

If your partner is not as keen on kissing as you are, consider these approaches:

► Make a habit of kissing them right before they orgasm so they learn to associate kisses with peak erotic experiences. Over time, as the erotic association builds, they will likely find themselves more drawn to kissing when they are in the mood for both sex and intimacy.

► Compliment them on their kissing skills. Let them know that you are powerfully turned on by kissing, and they'll be more likely to be generous with their kisses. Think back to a kissing experience that you enjoyed and let them know that you are craving more of it. One of the hottest ways to seduce your partner involves asking for what you want—and compliments go a long way. Research suggests that many of us are more motivated by compliments than by rewards of cash, so apply these findings in your relationship to increase your partner's motivation to please.

► Experiment with some of the sensual kissing techniques below to inject novelty into your routine, whether you have been together twenty days or twenty years.

Speaking of getting more of what you want sexually . . . remember to ask for what you want using compliments as opposed to complaints. "I love the way you kiss me. It makes me weak in the knees. I'd love to be kissed like that when I walk in the door after work," is likely to produce a more positive result than "You never kiss me anymore."

Kissing Techniques

Supersoft Kiss

Gently press your lips together and hold still with featherlight pressure for a few breaths. Slow your exhalations as you breathe through your nose and allow yourself to feel the texture and temperature of their skin against yours. Take note of their breath as you slide their lower lip in between your lips, gliding from side to side as slowly as you possibly can. Take your time and kiss with relaxed lips for a minute or two, allowing your tongues to rest against one another as your breath rate continues to slow.

Lip Trace

Blindfold your lover or ask them to close their eyes. Use all ten fingers to slide slowly and sensually over their cheeks. Hover your lips above theirs for a moment, barely making contact. Trace your tongue around the outline of their lips more slowly than what might come naturally at first. As you relax and your body's natural functions (e.g., heart rate, breath rate, blood pressure) decelerate, the slow trace around their lips' curves will feel more natural. Leave your lips hovered over theirs when you've traced the entire outline, and sensually slide your tongue from side to side between their lips.

Tongue Roll

Tilt your heads to opposite sides and press your lips firmly together. Have them keep their tongue still while you roll your tongue around theirs. Feel the inside of their cheeks and play with their tongue as you kiss, suck, and slurp with passion.

Premium Shelf

Begin by blindfolding or covering their eyes. Take a few minutes to caress their scalp using your fingertips. Even if you're tempted to dive into kissing or reach underneath their clothes, s-l-o-w down. Once you are both feeling relaxed, plant gentle kisses on their ears, cheeks, and neck. Work your way gradually toward their lips and slide their upper lip between your lips. Kiss and suck very gently, working your tongue inside millimeter by millimeter. Slide your tongue back and forth over the roof of their mouth (on the inside) to create tingly sensations in their lips and beyond.

Sweet Spot

Run your tongue along the inside of their lips to glide against the fragile notch of tissue that connects the lips to the gums. This sensitive spot (called the frenulum of the lips) exists on both the upper and lower lip in the center. You are probably familiar with the frenulum of the penis, which connects the foreskin, and you will also find a frenulum attached to the clitoris and at the bottom of the labia.

Old-School Lover

Warm up your hands and place them on your lover's cheeks; have them do the same to you. Kiss with tongue and be mindful of the feeling of their skin against the palms of your hands. Feel its texture, shape, temperature, contours, and movements. The face is highly sensual but often viewed as utilitarian, so consider touching your partner's cheeks as you pass them in the kitchen, when they come home after work, when you kiss good-night, and when they are going down on you.

Undulating Kissing

Kiss gently and slowly with a soft tongue and soft lips for ten seconds, and then increase the pressure and speed for ten seconds. Pull back and undulate between gentle, sensual kisses and more animalistic, deeper kisses; allow your breath and sounds to match your energy, breathing more slowly and deeply while you kiss softly and increasing your breath rate and allowing your sounds to emanate with greater volume as the kissing intensity rises.

Giver and Taker

Take turns being a giver and receiver for ten minutes. As the giver, you will take ten minutes to touch, caress, lick, kiss, and use your breath to stimulate your lover's neck, ears, face, lips, and mouth. Move slowly and touch purposefully. Take your time and cover every square inch of this region. Allow your lips, tongue, cheeks, fingertips, and palms to really _feel_ their skin. Enjoy every curve and angle. Notice the temperature changes. Indulge in the textures.

If you are the receiver, sit or lie back in a comfortable position and simply enjoy your partner's touch and energy. Pay attention to the pleasurable sensations and give yourself permission to _take_ pleasure as much as you give it. Being a taker in bed makes you a better lover, as you allow your partner to hone and treasure their own skills, luxuriate in your pleasure, and experience their own pleasure derived from your body's unique reactions.

In-Sync Kissing

Press your foreheads together gently, tilting your heads forward so your noses are not squished. Take a few deep, exaggerated breaths, allowing your breath to fall in sync with your lovers'. Move your lips closer together and suck their lips in between yours as you continue to match their breath.

Full-Court Press

Kiss with passion as you press your entire bodies against one another. Allow yourself to really feel the full-body contact, paying attention to the pressure, textures, temperature, and movement of your bodies.

Calming Kiss

Kissing can create a natural high as dopamine spikes, and some people report feeling euphoric after a heavy make-out session. If you want to prolong this high, kiss more slowly and mindfully. Close your eyes and slide your tongue inside, and rather than twisting and twirling, hold it almost still as you breathe deeply. Take note of everything you are feeling. What do you feel against your tongue? How do your lips feel? What are you feeling on the inside of your cheeks? Can you feel their breath with your eyes closed? You may find that your breath synchronizes with your partner's and slows significantly as you both relax and allow yourselves to be in the moment without giving a thought to what's to come.

Code Kisses

Pick a code word or experience, and stop whatever you're doing when you encounter it to give your partner a kiss. If you are on a road trip, you might pick a road sign that leads to a kiss (e.g., signs depicting animals) or opt to kiss at every red light. If you are at an event or party, you might choose a word (e.g., "baby"), and each time someone says it, you find your lover and give them a kiss. Most of us need a reminder to be affectionate, and this type of playfulness may put you in the mood to be seductive or be seduced later in the day.

The Tasty Kiss

One of the most sensitive spots of the lips is the upper lip right underneath the philtrum. With your lover, trade off kissing each other on the upper lip. Not only can this be a playful game of who can get the most kisses in on the upper lip, but you can also add a guttural moan, similar to how you'd moan when you've enjoyed a tasty food choice. These sounds tend to bring a smile to most people's faces, so please your lover with this tasty kiss.

Kinky Kiss

If you are of the kink variety or you want to spice up your sex life by introducing some kink into your life, this is a great way to invoke some energy and passion. When you're with your partner, place your less dominant hand on their cheek, with your palm on their jawbone. With your dominant hand, give them a nice little slap on their other cheek with your fingers and then hold their face as you force your mouth on their lovely lips.