Input:
 The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Q: Can you provide a detailed guide on various oral sex positions, including their benefits and how to modify them for comfort? Additionally, can you provide tips on how to incorporate props and toys into seduction and foreplay to add variety and novelty? Please also include a section on pervertables, which are everyday items that can be used for sexual pleasure.

A: Of course! Oral sex positions are a great way to add variety and comfort to your sexual repertoire. Here are thirteen oral sex positions that you can try:

1. All Fours: This position allows your lover to access you from the front or from the rear and allows you to control the depth and pressure. Get on your hands and knees and wait for your partner to position themselves. Your lover can approach you from behind or slide underneath you while lying on their back. Modify this position into the All-Fours Stretch by stretching your arms out in front of you and bringing your chest down against the mattress to angle your bottom up for improved access.
2. Indulge Me: This position is perfect for relaxing and taking in the view. Sit down with your back resting against the wall, headboard, or other flat surface. With your knees bent, spread your legs wide-open with your feet flat against the floor or bed.
3. The Delegator: In this position, you can direct your lover and adjust the pressure, depth, and speed using your hips and/or your hands against the back of their head. Sit upright in a chair or on the edge of the bed with your legs spread wide. Place a large pillow underneath your feet as a cushion for their knees or butt and have them crawl between your legs.
4. Superhero: This position is great for oral and manual sex, regardless of whether you are licking a vulva, anus, or penis. Lie flat on your stomach with your arms stretched out straight and legs spread apart. Your lover can lie between your legs to access from the rear or they can lie on top of you (with their feet at your head) to use their hands, toys, or mouth.
5. Flying High: This position allows easy access to the anus, perineum, and lower genitals. Lie on your back and bend your knees with your legs open wide. Lift one leg up and place it on your lover's back so that they can climb even deeper between your legs.
6. Your Royal Highness: Your lover's head and face are now your throne. From this position, you can move up and down as you please according to your desired pressure, depth, rhythm, and speed. Your lover gets comfortable and lies on their back with pillows underneath their head, neck, and/or shoulders as needed.
7. Rise & Shine: Break the routine of having sex in bed. Find a fun spot against a wall and stand straight up with your feet spread hip distance apart. Your lover gets down at your feet and kneels or crouches as they please you from below.
8. Rhythm & Beats: Set the mood with your favorite music playing in the background. Lie on your stomach with your legs hanging off the side of the bed, table, or couch. Spread them open. Your lover kneels or crouches on the floor and licks, kisses, grinds, and moves to the beat of the music.
9. The Glee T: Approaching from the side can be a fun and creative approach, as your partner can use their hands on your body and mouth on your genitals, or vice versa. Lie on your back and prop up your hips with a small pillow. Have your lover lie perpendicular to you (so that your bodies form a T) with their head at your crotch.
10. The High-Riser: If you like real estate, you will love the High-Riser. It has everything you need to have a good time—a phenomenal view, a favorable location, and private access! Lie on your back with a pillow under your head. Your lover straddles your head or chest, facing toward your feet. They bend over and go to town.
11. The Acrobat: Throw your legs up and treat yourself to a full-access oral session. Lie on your back and throw your feet up in the air. Grab hold of your ankles with your hands for support. Have your lover go down on you and adjust the angles of your legs to suit your fancy.
12. Facing Spoons: This position may be the most comfortable depending on your body types. Lie on your sides facing one another and have your lover slide down between your legs.
13. The Great Gorge(ous): Porn depicts deep-throating as the norm, so it's a common fantasy for people of all genders. You or your partner do not have to have a penis to enjoy the thrill and challenge of deep-throating, as a strap-on will also do the trick. Lie on your back with your head hanging off the side of the bed. Have your partner stand in front of you and slide inside your mouth.

Sometimes your bare hands and bare bodies are all you need to pique your partner's interest and seduce them into a sensational sexual experience. Other times, props and toys can come in handy, as they add variety, novelty, and unpredictability to sexual interactions. Here are some toys and props you can use to entice your lover and inspire you to try new things:

* Vibrators
* Penis rings
* Penis strokers
* Butt plugs
* Blindfolds
* Gags
* Clamps
* Whips and floggers
* Clamps

Pervertables are everyday items that can be used for sexual pleasure. Here are some examples of kinky items in your kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom that you can use:

* Wooden spoons, spatulas, and other flat, wide utensils
* Knives
* Kitchen towels and dish cloths
* Ice
* Carrots, cucumbers, and other phallic items
* Chip clips
* Aprons
* A variety of kitchen utensils
* Food
* Plastic wrap
* Ties and scarves
* Belts
* Socks
* Clothing
* Halloween costumes
* Pillows
* Bathtubs, showers, and toilets
* Mouthwash containing menthol or peppermint oil
* Shaving razors
* Combs, brushes, nail files, electric toothbrushes, electric clippers, exfoliating gloves, loofahs, and regular toothbrushes
* Towels and soft sponge poufs
* Makeup brushes

Remember to always prioritize safety and consent when using props, toys, and pervertables in your sexual interactions.

Response:
CHAPTER

14

POSITIONS, PERVERTABLES, PROPS—OH MY!

Oral Sex Positions

We believe that comfort outranks technique when it comes to sex—including oral sex. Oftentimes, we avoid certain sex acts or cut them short because they are uncomfortable or tiring. We may also find that we're distracted and less mindful of pleasure and connection if our muscles are fatigued or we're focused on holding ourselves up. Repositioning is therefore key to mind-blowing oral sex, so we've outlined thirteen oral sex positions to ensure that sex is both pleasurable and cozy.

Each of these oral sex positions offers general recommendations, but you are the expert when it comes to your own body, so it's up to you to experiment and adapt these positions to suit them to your pleasure.

All Fours

This position allows your lover(s) to access you from the front or from the rear and allows you to control the depth and the pressure, since you are on top.

► Get on your hands and knees and wait for your partner to position themselves.

► Your lover can approach you from behind or slide underneath you while lying on their back.

► Modify this position into the All-Fours Stretch—stretch your arms out in front of you (like a cat or dog stretching) and bring your chest down against the mattress to angle your bottom up for improved access. Add a pillow or two beneath your knees for support or if you want an even more dramatic angle.

Indulge Me

This position is perfect for relaxing and taking in the view.

► Sit down with your back resting against the wall, headboard, or other flat surface.

► With your knees bent, spread your legs wide-open with your feet flat against the floor or bed.

► Watch your lover give you pleasure or, to heighten your other senses, use a blindfold!

The Delegator

In this position, you can direct your lover and adjust the pressure, depth, and speed using your hips and/or your hands against the back of their head.

► Sit upright in a chair or on the edge of the bed with your legs spread wide.

► Place a large pillow underneath your feet as a cushion for their knees or butt, and have them crawl between your legs.

► Guide them with your hands on their back or on their head, or use your hips to steer them.

► Lift your leg(s) up and wrap them around their neck and shoulders to get closer and provide additional direction using your body, by pulling them in and adjusting the angle.

Superhero

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's, it's . . . it's you flying high on orgasmic air! This position is great for oral and manual sex, regardless of whether you are licking a vulva, an anus, or a penis.

► Lie flat on your stomach with your arms stretched out straight and legs spread apart.

► Your lover can lie between your legs to access from the rear or they can lie on top of you (with their feet at your head) to use their hands, toys, or mouth.

► Change it up with the Reverse Superhero and simply lie on your back with a pillow beneath your hips to angle them up for improved comfort and access.

Flying High

This position allows easy access to your anus, perineum, and lower genitals.

► Lie on your back and bend your knees with your legs open wide.

► Lift one leg up and place it on your lover's back so that they can climb even deeper between your legs.

Your Royal Highness

Your lover's head and face are now your throne. From this position, you can move up and down as you please according to your desired pressure, depth, rhythm, and speed.

► Your lover gets comfortable and lies on their back with pillows underneath their head, neck, and/or shoulders as needed.

► Kneel over their head and sit on their face. Be sure they can breathe, and use a safe signal if you are limiting their vocal sounds.

Rise & Shine

Break the routine of having sex in bed. We know it's comfortable, but you can find other comfortable locations throughout your home—and beyond. Breaking the routine of the bedroom (and particularly the bed) can encourage your body to interpret pleasure in new ways, and engaging in new environments can heighten your sexual response to spontaneity. This position also allows you to explore feelings of power and d ominance.

► Find a fun spot against a wall and stand straight up with your feet spread hip distance apart.

► Your lover gets down at your feet and kneels or crouches as they please you from below.

► Stay strong and make sure that you do not get weak in the knees!

Rhythm & Beats

Set the mood with your favorite music playing in the background.

► Lie on your stomach with your legs hanging off the side of the bed, table, or couch. Spread them open.

► Your lover kneels or crouches on the floor and licks, kisses, grinds, and moves to the beat of the music. Alternatively, they can lie on top of you to approach from the top.

► Allow yourself to get lost in the music, movements, and especially, the moment.

The Glee T

Approaching from the side can be a fun and creative approach, as your partner can use their hands on your body and mouth on your genitals, or vice versa.

► Lie on your back and prop up your hips with a small pillow.

► Have your lover lie perpendicular to you (so that your bodies form a T) with their head at your crotch.

The High-Riser

If you like real estate, you will love the High-Riser. It has everything you need to have a good time—a phenomenal view, a favorable location, and private access! It's a win-win, as it promotes orgasms for all parties and offers a high return on investment.

► Lie on your back with a pillow under your head.

► Your lover straddles your head or chest, facing toward your feet. They bend over and go to town.

► You can also play with them from behind should the mood strike.

The Acrobat

Throw your legs up and treat yourself to a full-access oral session.

► Lie on your back and throw your feet up in the air. Grab hold of your ankles with your hands for support.

► Have your lover go down on you, and adjust the angles of your legs to suit your fancy. They can access your butt and genitals from this position, so do not be shy about asking for more, more, and more.

Facing Spoons

This position may be the most comfortable depending on your body types, and remember, comfort makes for hotter sex.

► Lie on your sides facing one another and have your lover slide down between your legs.

► You can open your legs so that they can slide an arm in between for both comfort and rear access.

The Great Gorge(ous)

Porn depicts deep-throating as the norm, so it's a common fantasy for people of all genders. You or your partner do not have to have a penis to enjoy the thrill and challenge of deep-throating, as a strap-on will also do the trick. This position, also described in the Swallower technique in the previous chapter, allows you to elongate your neck, but it is not a quick fix that will make deep-throating effortless. It takes time, practice, and patience, and you can always use your hands as an extension of your mouth in the meantime (as explained in the Hot Damn and Extenderator techniques).

► Lie on your back with your head hanging off the side of the bed.

► Have your partner stand in front of you and slide inside your mouth; place your hands on your partner's thighs and brace yourself so that you can control their movements.

► Your partner can also bend over and give you a good licking and/or sucking.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Try some of these positions right now when you are fully clothed. Talk about what works and what doesn't, and see where the discussion and physical experimentation leads.

Seduction and Foreplay Props

Sometimes your bare hands and bare bodies are all you need to pique your partner's interest and seduce them into a sensational sexual experience. Other times, however, props and toys can come in handy, as they add variety, novelty, and unpredictability to sexual interactions. Below, we outline a range of toys you can use to entice your lover(s) and inspire you to try new things—on your own and together. These items are just the beginning, and your options are endless. And remember that you don't have to spend another dollar to enrich your sex life, as you probably own more sex toys than you realize. Be sure to read on to discover what pervertables you have lying around in plain sight.

**Vibrators** come in a wide variety of sizes, shapes, and textures, and many are designed ergonomically, guided by sexual science. They can be used on the entire body to spread sensations of pleasure across the chest, thighs, perineum, and, of course, the genitals. You can find vibrators that are shaped like penises, as well as a variety of designs that look like common household items (e.g., computer mouse or lipstick) or design pieces you can leave on your mantel or bedside table.

Some of our favorite vibrators include:

**Crave Vesper—** this beautiful vibrator doubles as jewelry, and its design is subtle and tasteful. Only those in the know will recognize that the art piece hanging from your neck is also a high-end vibrator.

**The Hitachi Magic Wand—** if you like power, pressure, and coverage, you cannot do better than this gadget. Though the company continues to market it as a personal massager, we all know that its use extends far beyond working the kinks out of your shoulders.

**We-Vibe Tango** —this is one powerful and versatile bullet vibe. Roll it around on the outside, slide it inside, or press its flat tip against your hottest spots to intensify orgasmic pleasure.

**Womanizer Premium—** the Womanizer products use pleasure-air technology—tiny bursts of air that create a suction-like sensation over the head of the clit with a round, open tip. Many clients also use it on the nipples and along the labia to stimulate the inner bulbs of the clitoris. Several clients have learned to orgasm for the very first time with the Womanizer products, and the educational staff at Good for Her (Carlyle Jansen's sex-positive shop in Toronto) say it is like having an orgasm again for the very first time. The products come in different models and sizes—we like the Womanizer Premium version because it has an autopilot mode, which offers random patterns of pleasure that add an element of unpredictability.

**We-Vibe Sync** —designed to be worn during penis-in-vagina intercourse, this toy revolutionized the sex toy industry with its form, function, and app connectivity. The small, flat inner arm vibrates against the G-spot, and the outer arm curves around to vibrate against the hood, shaft, and head of the external clitoris. As you slide your penis or strap-on into the vagina, you benefit from the dual-motor vibrations, which you can program to your liking. The customizable vibrations, app-enabled control, and the option to have the Sync vibe to the beat of your favorite song make this toy highly sought after and unique.

**Crave Wink—** this one is a beauty, but it is more than just a pretty face. Its silicone and metal composition conduct vibrations with exceptional intensity, making it a standout powerhouse in a pretty, discreet package. If you like marathon sex, this will be your go-to, as it lasts and lasts with a run time of up to five hours. We're exhausted just thinking about it, but we do love a challenge.

**Fun Factory Volta** —with two vibrating tips, this tulip-like vibe is perfect for the clitoris, nipples, penile frenulum, and any other region that craves deep, rumbly vibrations.

**Penis rings** are designed to be worn by penises and strap-ons. They trap the blood in the penis to offer the sensation of a harder, fuller erection. Some say penis rings help them to remain erect longer, and some find the pleasure is overwhelming and they reach orgasm more quickly and intensely—luckily, sex isn't something you time.

Note on erections and timing: you do not get extra points for lasting longer in terms of maintaining an erection. Sexual pleasure doesn't require an erection, and there are a wide range of sexual exploits you can explore with a soft penis, as well as with your hands, mouth, fingers, tongue, toys, and the rest of your body.

Some penis rings are stretchy and others are adjustable in size. Some vibrate and some don't. Some sit at the base of the penis, while others wrap all the way around the base of the penis and the scrotal sac. Two fan favorites include:

**We-Vibe Pivot** —We do not have penises, but we can attest to the fact that the Pivot works wonders if your partner has a penis, and it can enhance strap-on sex too. This one receives rave reviews from folks of all genders, and its design allows its powerful vibrations to be enjoyed in multiple positions. Regardless of your genital combination, you will find a spot that allows it to vibe just right.

**Fun Factory Flame—** a more basic, stretchy model without vibrations. Its outer edges provide additional stimulation to the partner during intercourse, and its lower price point makes it a good starter model if you are new to penis rings.

**Penis strokers** enhance the sensation of stroking the shaft and head of the penis. Some, like the **Tenga Eggs,** are made of elastomer with textured internal details and are designed for single use (although we use them more than once). Others, like the **Hot Octopuss Pulse III Solo,** use oscillations to do the work for you—you do not even have to stroke (but you can if you want to), as the oscillations can produce overpowering orgasmic contractions. The Pulse III also comes in a Duo version for couples with a vibrating underside, and both can be worn flaccid or erect.

**Butt plugs** are specifically designed to make anal penetration safe and pleasurable, as they have a flared base to ensure that they do not get lost in your beautiful butt. They come in many shapes and sizes and some curve to apply pressure (and vibrations) to the prostate. You will find butt plugs made of silicone, metal, glass, wood, and rubber, and some have external bonuses like sparkly crystals and even furry tails. If you are into butt stuff, you might also want to try out some **anal beads,** which are strung together by a piece of soft rubber with a loop that hangs on the outside. Popping them out can be just as enticing as sliding them in.

If there is one prop that we'd like to see in every bedroom across the nation (and beyond), it is the trusty **blindfold.** Not only can removing your sense of sight heighten your other senses, but it can increase feelings of vulnerability and help you to feel more in the moment as you drown out distractions.

If you are into sensory deprivation, you might also consider exploring sound deprivation and limitation using **gags.** Homemade gags might simply involve a pair of underwear, socks, or stockings you slide into your lover's mouth to minimize sound. Whether you opt for a freshly laundered or a recently worn item, be sure to leave some cloth hanging out for quick removal.

You might also opt for a **cleave gag,** which ties around your head and fits between your teeth, a **bandit-style gag** that covers your mouth and/or nose, or a **ring gag** that fits inside your mouth to keep it open. You can also purchase **ball gags** that are attached to two straps and are either tapered at the back for comfort or perforated to ensure you can breathe.

Whenever you limit your lover's ability to speak, be sure to designate a safe signal and check in regularly to make sure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience. Never leave them unattended when they're gagged, as they need to be within eyesight in order for you to recognize their visual or physical safe signal.

Pain and pleasure go hand in hand, and **clamps** offer the opportunity to explore the hazy pleasure/pain divide. You can purchase clamps designed for specific body parts, but you can also experiment with bobby pins and smooth-edged paper clips on your nipples, labia, areolae, scrotum, thighs, or penis, proceeding very gradually to test your pain thresholds. Other options include nipple suckers, vibrating clamps, or clamps with bells attached to warn your lover of every movement.

**Whips** and **floggers** have become more common, but some are easier to learn to use than others. Learning to throw a single-tail whip, for example, requires instructions and practice, so consider taking a course online or at your local sex-positive shop or dungeon. Floggers, on the other hand, are usually softer and may be easier to play with for beginners. Composed of multiple flat tails of leather or other materials attached to a short handle, they are usually shorter and softer than whips. Practice with your flogger on a pillow first and then try it very gently on your thigh before proceeding to play with a partner.

Pervertables: Kinky seduction

The BDSM and kink communities often emphasize the use of various toys and props for sexual stimulation. Everything from handcuffs to electricity tools are used to heighten the sexual tension, kindle desire, and amplify pleasure. Of course, you may not have a dungeon full of props or a chest of toys at your disposal. Whether you identify as a kinkster or not, you can find everyday items in your home to ramp up your sexual pleasure, so consider going on a treasure hunt to see what regular household items can be perverted into sexual accoutrements.

Kinky Items in Your Kitchen:

► Wooden spoons, spatulas, and other flat, wide utensils can be used to spank or hit for impact play.

► Knives can create a seductive and vulnerable experience when the edges are traced lightly along your skin. Of course, you need to understand the amount of risk you are taking upon yourself when you are engaging in knife play. Ensuring safe words and the ability to opt out of the situation at any given time is a must. We recommend you stay away from major arteries and veins, and if you don't know where they are, we suggest that you avoid knives altogether.‡

► Kitchen towels and dish cloths can be stuffed in the mouth as gags to minimize talking as a form of deprivation.

► Ice may be utilized for temperature play; trace an ice cube along the body or over the genitals.

► Carrots, cucumbers, and other phallic items may be used for oral and vaginal penetration. Be sure to only use them with condoms and lubricant, and do not use them for anal penetration.

► Chip clips double as nipple pinchers or skin clamps.

► Aprons can be worn to cook nearly naked or used as restraints for a hot bondage scene or role-play.

► A variety of kitchen utensils (e.g., forks, spoons, pans) can be used for anticipatory sound play; blindfold your lover and experiment with different sounds to pique their interest and confuse/overwhelm their senses.

► Food can be used for olfactory torture and pleasure (e.g., with a blindfold).

► Plastic wrap can also be a great way to bind someone, restrict their movement, and admire how their skin looks underneath. Just be sure not to stretch it as you tie up your partner, as you don't want to cut off any circulation.

Kinky Items in Your Bedroom:

► Ties and scarves make the perfect restraint tools or blindfolds.

► Belts can be used as both restraints and spanking instruments.

► Socks can be stuffed in the mouth as gags, and you can kink it up if you like dirty socks.

► Clothing can be used to play with gender and cross-dress.

► Halloween costumes of all sorts are often used for role-play.

► Pillows can be used for sensory deprivation, sound restriction, and a variety of positions.

► Bedsheets can be used as restraints. **Kinky Items in Your Bathroom:**

► Bathtubs, showers, and toilets can be used for golden showers and water sports (pee play).

► Mouthwash containing menthol or peppermint oil can be incorporated into oral sex sensation play.

► Shaving razors can be used to shave body hair off your partner as part of a kinky or sensual scene.

► Combs, brushes, nail files, electric toothbrushes, electric clippers, exfoliating gloves, loofahs, and regular toothbrushes can be used all over the body for sensation play.

► Towels and soft sponge poufs double as gags.

► Makeup brushes can be used for sensory play and hot wax application.

We encourage you to look around your house for other items that function as pervertables. We are certain that you can find things in the living room or in the garage that help to spark the kinky artist in you. The world is a kinky paradise in hiding, so it's up to you to be creative and uncover the tools needed for a good time!

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Scout out a room in your house that has one or more pervertables. Set up a secret sex date for your lover(s) and lure them into that room. During the seduction phase, grab one of the items out of its proper place and use it on your lover(s) (with consent, of course).

Whether you source seduction and foreplay props in your house or at a specialty store, they are sure to inject creativity and curiosity into your sexual routine. You do not have to buy the whole lot or turn every household item into a pervertable, but if you continue to be open and experimental with tangible objects, you will likely find that they help to keep your sex life fiery for years and decades to come.

‡ It is your responsibility to educate yourself about the risks associated with any form of kink play—including knives, restraints, and other equipment—and to take safety precautions that will allow you to play as safely as possible. For beginners looking to learn more about kink and BDSM, _The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge_ by Tristan Taormino and _The Ultimate Guide to Bondage: Creating Intimacy Through the Art of Restraint_ by Mistress Couple are two great places to start!


Input:
 The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Q: Can you provide a detailed guide on seducing busy people, including tips on scheduling sex, finding shortcuts to arousal, and managing distractions? Additionally, can you provide strategies for couples who have different levels of sexual desire, as well as quickie seduction techniques?

A: Certainly! Busy people often struggle to find time for seduction and intimacy, but small changes can have a significant impact on your sex life. Here are some specific strategies you can utilize to have more frequent and satisfying sex even when your calendars are full:

* Secretly Schedule Sex: Rather than designating a specific date and time, take turns planning to initiate sex once per week. This can help to ensure that sex is not entirely predictable and can encourage you to share in the task of initiating sex so that the onus does not fall on one party alone.
* Consider Having Sex When You're Not in the Mood: Desire is not always spontaneous, and for some, it is responsive and requires arousal first. If you want to want sex, you may need to get aroused in order to open yourself up to the possibility of sex—even if you are not in the mood at first.
* Find Shortcuts to Arousal: If you are busy with work, family, and social commitments, you likely need to find shortcuts to arousal in order to experience sexual desire. Some shortcuts for busy people might include consuming erotic material, fantasizing, using toys to start your engine, or being direct and giving orders to your partner.
* Take Turns: Don't wait until your sexual moods align to have sex. If you are in the mood and your partner isn't, ask for what you want. Perhaps they will be willing to use their hands, tongue, lips, toys, or other methods to pleasure you. And when the roles are reversed, reciprocate.
* Try Quickie Seduction Techniques: Sometimes you have time to build seduction over the course of several hours or days, and other times, you only have a few minutes to squeeze sex in. Remember that just because you're in the mood for a quickie, that doesn't mean that your partner will be similarly inclined. This is why talking about how you like to be seduced and clarifying your sexual desires is of paramount importance. If you know that your partner isn't into quickies, respect their boundaries. However, if you communicate that you're in a rush and looking for simple ways to initiate sex, consider the following approaches:
	+ Slip into the washroom while they are in the shower. Touch yourself and let them know that peeping on them gets you all riled up. Ask them if you can join them or if you should wait in bed for them.
	+ Hang lingerie, a harness, leather or latex garments, or other undergarments on the back of the bathroom door while they're in the shower or tub. Include a note asking them to join you in the bedroom in their new garb.
	+ Send them a text message from the bedroom (assuming they're in the yard or home office, for instance) and let them know that you're waiting. 'I'm waiting and willing to please. I'm naked and ready to go—at your service.'
	+ Forget rose petals and lingerie. Leave a trail of your favorite lube and toys leading them to the bedroom (or kitchen table, if you are so inclined).
	+ Be demanding. Oftentimes, we assume that our seduction and sexual initiation routine should focus on our partner's pleasure, but prioritizing your own pleasure can be just as appealing—for both of you. Leave them a note on the kitchen counter: 'Had a rough day. Don't want to talk. Just want you to touch me/massage me/go down on me/let me go down on you. You up for it?'
* Sext Seductively: Over half of couples use sexting as a prelude to in-person encounters, and the number is on the rise. Consider your lover's seduction learning style and their core erotic feeling as you craft messages that make them feel sexy, desired, curious, excited, relaxed, challenged, loved, nervous, catered to, enticed, and more. Take advantage of the variety of options available to you, including photos, videos, voice notes, texts, GIFs, and live chats.
* Webcam/Videophone Seduction: Whether you are in a long-distance relationship or experimenting with digi-sex with your live-in partner(s), webcam experiences are among the most vivid and interactive. Live video interactions can be used to build desire, cultivate trust, inject an element of risk, and play various roles that may not be accessible in person. If you are nervous or don't know where to begin with a video chat, you can learn a great deal from signing on to other professional video chat sites. Adult camming is a growing industry that includes some fascinating and novel approaches to interactive sex. You can learn and interact with models of all genders, sexual orientations, skill sets, and proclivities. If you browse a few sites right now, you will see models talking about their weekend, painting their toenails, dancing, playing games, stripping, touching themselves, engaging in partnered sex, and being highly creative with their approaches to both viewer interaction and monetization. Many are adept at ensuring that the buildup escalates over time and allowing their authentic selves to generate intense desire and arousal among their viewers.
* Mindful Touch and Seduction for Busy People: How to Manage Distractions: If your lifestyle is fast-paced and hectic, your mind likely wanders during seduction and foreplay (and all sexual activities), and you are not alone. Seduction and sexual pleasure are often hindered by distractions, intrusive thoughts, and/or the pressure of performance. And it is no surprise that we struggle to be present during sex given that sleep deprivation, overcommitment, and the consumption of thirty-four gigabytes of daily data have become the individual norm. But it doesn't have to be this way. You can unlearn these distracting habits and train yourself to be more present in your sexual interactions and relationships through the practice of mindfulness—in and out of the bedroom.
* Online Seduction: Seduction no longer begins when you meet in person, as you can now choose from thousands of apps and programs related to online dating and mating—many of which are free to use. Digital dating has altered the sex and relationship landscape and has changed the ways in which we communicate and interact with potential partners. Some people consider this change primarily positive, as you can now meet more people than ever from all corners of the world. Others lament the loss of community-based connections and consider the so-called old-fashioned way more simple, easy, and straightforward. We believe that there are benefits to all approaches and suggest that you can blend digital and in-person dating and seduction to suit your needs.

Response:
CHAPTER

15

SEDUCTION FOR BUSY PEOPLE

If you find that you are too tired, too busy, or too distracted to seduce your lover or be seduced, fret not, as small changes can have a significant impact on your sex life. Sex does not have to be a long, drawn-out experience each and every time, and you don't have to have a specific type of sex in order to reap the benefits of sexual connection. In this chapter, we share specific strategies you can utilize to have more frequent and satisfying sex even when your calendars are full.

If you skipped the chapter on Eroticizing Daily Interactions, we strongly suggest that you go back to it now, as your day-today dealings have a greater impact on sexual desire and fulfillment than any technique related to seduction or pleasure. If you previously committed to making changes to your daily interactions, consider whether or not you have been prioritizing and following through or if there are adjustments you can make right now to make your dealings more playful and erotic and to lay the foundation for a hotter sex life.

Important reminder: before you peruse these suggestions for prioritizing sex in the context of a hectic lifestyle, commit to proceeding with an open mind. If you find yourself making excuses for why you can't implement a strategy or why an approach will not work for you, consider whether or not you are really committed to making time for sex and intimacy. It's not uncommon for folks whose lives are privileged in various ways to make excuses by noting that our lives are somehow more difficult than others'. _This won't work because I have three kids and she only has two. If I do this, my wife will just laugh. I can't do this because I work longer hours than him. My partner will never be into this. My job is harder. My family is more demanding. My life is harder._

We all face personal and relational challenges, but if you have come this far, you know that small changes are manageable and impactful. And the bottom line is that you can make changes or you can make excuses. You cannot do both.

Strategies for Busy Couples

Secretly Schedule Sex

You've probably heard that scheduling sex is essential for busy couples, but many people complain that setting a date and time detracts from the thrill of spontaneity. However, spontaneity is not the norm for most busy people. For the most part, you don't spontaneously eat, drink, or go to a party, so you can't expect sex to be entirely spontaneous either. However, you can balance planning with surprise and cultivate spontaneity by taking turns _secretly_ scheduling sex. This means that rather than designating Saturday night as date night, each person plans to initiate sex once per week (or any predetermined period of time). They decide in advance as to when they are going to initiate and make a mental or calendar note to follow through.

This can help to ensure that sex is not entirely predictable and can encourage you to share in the task of initiating sex so that the onus does not fall on one party alone. And though it's not entirely spontaneous, by taking turns with your lover, you each get a "surprise" sex session at some point during the week. You will need to make sure that your schedules align (e.g. do not schedule sex on a Tuesday morning when you know your partner will be working) and be flexible, because plans sometimes change. You might set your alarm half an hour early on Monday to sneak in some morning sex before work, or you might plan an elaborate evening that begins with a sensual massage. The more varied your approaches, the more exciting the experience will be.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Plan to initiate sex with your partner(s) some time in the next three days. Think about how you will set the scene, approach them, and ensure that you follow through. Set a note in your calendar, ask them to clear their schedule for a date, and do not allow yourself to make excuses. If you are willing to follow through, say it out loud right now: I've got this. I'll seduce them on Friday.

Consider Having Sex When You're Not in the Mood

If you wait until you are in the mood for sex, you may never have it. This is because sexual desire does not always arise spontaneously. For some of us, the desire for sex occurs regularly and unprompted by sexual stimuli, but for others, desire is responsive and we need _arousal first_ in order to experience desire. Most of us, however, make the mistake of assuming that sexual desire will arise on its own if we're happy, relaxed, and intimately attracted to our partners, which is not always the case.

If you go to work all day, make dinner, clean up, put the kids to bed, listen to your friend complain about their job on the phone, and then hop into bed, you may not experience an intense desire to have sex; you may be more likely to hop into bed pining for sleep. If, however, you go to work all day, make dinner, clean up, put the kids to bed, listen to your friend complain about their job, _and_ do something (e.g., fantasize, read an erotic book, touch yourself, ask for a massage) to get aroused, sexual desire may follow.

We're not suggesting that you should have sex if you don't want to, but simply that if you want to want sex, you may need to get aroused in order to open yourself up to the _possibility_ of sex—even if you are not in the mood at first.

If you are busy with work, family, and social commitments, you likely need to find shortcuts to arousal in order to experience sexual desire. And if you want to seduce your partner in the context of a busy lifestyle, you will want to get to know their shortcuts to sexual arousal and desire.

Some of these shortcuts for busy people might include:

**Consume erotic material.** Read your partner a sexy story or underline a few lines from a sexy novel that you would like to share. You can even go to an erotic book reading or attend an erotic show showcasing burlesque and/or erotic poetry.

**Fantasize.** When was the last time you thought about your partner in a sexual way or daydreamed about your last fun sexual experience? Take the time in the middle of the day (e.g., on your lunch break) and play back a sexual memory from your head. After you have thought about it, text your lover(s) and compliment them or ask them to recall additional details from your shared memory.

**Use toys to start your engine.** Your partner may not be in the mood initially, but if they're game, a vibrator or stroker may help lead them to arousal and sexual desire. Research reveals that vibrator use is positively correlated with desire, lubrication, orgasm, lower levels of pain, and overall sexual satisfaction.28

**Give orders and ask your partner to please you.** One of the hottest ways to seduce your lover involves being direct. Your partner is not a sexual mind reader, and busy people appreciate when you are straightforward.

For example:

_I'm exhausted, but I want you. Will you go down on me?_

_I know we only have a few minutes, but will you finger me to get me off before I leave for work?_

_We only have a few minutes alone. Let's . . ._

Take Turns

If you have a partner, don't wait until your sexual moods align to have sex. If you are in the mood and your partner isn't, ask for what you want. Perhaps they will be willing to use their hands, tongue, lips, toys, or other methods to pleasure you. And when the roles are reversed, reciprocate. Heteronormative expectations of sex can lead to both narrow definitions of sex and also problematic expectations with regard to intercourse as the only type of sex that counts. But it doesn't have to be this way. Oral sex, manual sex, sex with a vibrator, rubbing off, watching porn, and a variety of other types of sex can be just as satisfying and do not require that you're both in the mood for one specific activity or outcome.

Try Quickie Seduction Techniques

Sometimes you have time to build seduction over the course of several hours or days, and other times, you only have a few minutes to squeeze sex in.

Remember that just because you're in the mood for a quickie, that doesn't mean that your partner will be similarly inclined. This is why talking about how you like to be seduced and clarifying your sexual desires is of paramount importance. If you know that your partner isn't into quickies, respect their boundaries. Don't pressure them or suggest that there are universal benefits to quickies on which they are missing out—no sexual activity is a universal fit for every person. You can present and propose any scenario to your partner, but if you pressure them to oblige your needs, you will damage both your sex life and your relationship.

If your partner has communicated that they're not into quickies but you find that time is a scarce commodity, you don't have to give up on quick seduction altogether. Instead, think about how seduction functions over the course of your day or week. Then, talk with your partner(s) about ways that work for them to quickly build arousal, so that you can still connect intimately when time is short.

If you're in a rush and looking for simple ways to initiate sex, consider the following approaches:

► Slip into the washroom while they are in the shower. Touch yourself and let them know that peeping on them gets you all riled up. Ask them if you can join them or if you should wait in bed for them. Be very clear about your desire for _your lover_ specifically, as opposed to your desire for sex more generally (unless they've already expressed a specific wish to _not_ be the object of your desire). Get yourself ready for sex—fantasize, touch yourself, use a vibrator, read a story, watch a video, or give yourself an orgasm first so that your body and mind are in the moment and ready to go when you finally get together. Ask them to do the same.

► Hang lingerie, a harness, leather or latex garments, or other undergarments on the back of the bathroom door while they're in the shower or tub. Include a note asking them to join you in the bedroom in their new garb.

► Send them a text message from the bedroom (assuming they're in the yard or home office, for instance) and let them know that you're waiting. _I'm waiting and willing to please. I'm naked and ready to go—at your service._ If you are going to interrupt them or take them away from a responsibility, you will likely have more luck if you're clear about your willingness to be generous and take care of their needs first.

► Forget rose petals and lingerie. Leave a trail of your favorite lube and toys leading them to the bedroom (or kitchen table, if you are so inclined).

► Be demanding. Oftentimes, we assume that our seduction and sexual initiation routine should focus on our partner's pleasure, but prioritizing your own pleasure can be just as appealing—for both of you. Leave them a note on the kitchen counter: _Had a rough day. Don't want to talk. Just want you to touch me/massage me/go down on me/ let me go down on you. You up for it?_ Of course, you don't want to pressure your partner. You want to make suggestions and requests and ensure that they feel comfortable doing the same.

Just because you have a small amount of time doesn't mean that you can't be just as erotic as you intend to be. Be thoughtful, be direct, and be a good sport when it comes to being quick!

Sext Seductively

Beguile your lover with suggestive sexts throughout the day or week. Over half of couples use sexting as a prelude to in-person encounters, and the number is on the rise.

Consider your lover's seduction learning style and their core erotic feeling as you craft messages that make them feel sexy, desired, curious, excited, relaxed, challenged, loved, nervous, catered to, enticed, and more. Take advantage of the variety of options available to you, including photos, videos, voice notes, texts, GIFs, and live chats.

Sexting is often depicted as a high-risk activity, but it is low risk in terms of physical outcomes, and you can take precautions to minimize risk of your photos being leaked.

Before you get started, ensure that your partner consents to sexting. Do not be a textual harasser. Consent is mandatory in sex and sexting, so be sure to ask for permission and be mindful of your lover's boundaries. You also want to consider your own risk tolerance, as every photo you take and text might be seen by eyes for which it wasn't intended. And never share a photo of someone else without their clear consent; legal consequences exist for this type of violation.

Once you've ensured consent and considered safety and risk, you're ready to get started . . .

You might **begin with creative language,** including dirty talk phrases expressing what you want to do to please them and to be pleased. This may appeal to those who are auditory and visual, so consider crafting your messages with broad and vivid vocabulary.

If you're meeting someone for the first time or are in a new relationship in which you have mutually consented to exchanging sexy photos, you might limit your personal exposure by **sharing images of your body from the neck down.** By leaving your face out, you can tempt and titillate a new partner while minimizing your risk of exposure should the photos be leaked. Some take the extra precaution of adding fake tattoos to their pics, so that their body is even less recognizable.

If you have a long-term lover whom you trust and you want to include your face, **use a selfie stick** to get your best angles. When you're in the mood to snap pics, take a few extra so that you can send them in the future, and consider using an app that is separate from their main texting function so that your photos don't get mixed in with your daily banter.

Part of what makes sexting so intoxicating is the escalation of eroticism and anticipation. Oftentimes, we make the mistake of sending too much too soon. You do not need to begin with pics of your genitals, and it's worth noting that some (many) people are not specifically turned on by genital close-ups—remember the less is more approach to seduction. Instead of sending penis or labia pics, pick another sexy body part and **shoot it from multiple angles and zoom distances** to encourage them to create their own visual of what it looks like in its entirety. For instance, if you want to take a picture of your upper torso, take it from each side, take it from up top, take it from the bottom, and take it from other angles that you think are flattering. You might send a deluge of photos all at once or send one picture per day or hour to draw the tease out over time.

Practical considerations should be accounted for when taking sexy photos as well. For example, as we suggested in the section on Visual Seduction, **tidy up that room.** Clutter can be a huge distraction even in the background, so make your bed and adjust your lights so that your partner can home in on your sex appeal without visual interference.

Generally speaking, **emojis are not sexy.** They can be fun and playful, and some preliminary research suggests that couples who text with emojis have more sex, but they do not tend to complement sexy pics. No one looks at an emoji and goes, "That's a sexy emoji. I really want to be with them now because that emoji is telling me all I need to know about them." Unless you know your lover is turned on by cartoons, save your emojis for your daily communications and allow your words and photos to do the talking when you sext.

Sexting, of course, is not just about images. **Voice notes** allow you to tap into your lover's audial desires. For those of us who are auditory learners, the sound of a lover's voice (even if they are not talking dirty) can be overwhelmingly hot. Use a low, soft voice to tell them what you want to do. Ask them for what you want. Tell them what you've been thinking about. Let them know you want to please them. Convey your desire and desperation for their touch. Build anticipation by sending one sentence at a time over the course of a day or week, and use some of the aforementioned dirty talk lines to guide you.

**Video,** of course, offers a more interactive means of sexting. You can prerecord short clips of yourself in the dark or engage in live chats. If you are technically inclined, you might string photos together and zoom in over your body parts, and even consider looping audio in over your video file. If you want to keep it simple, record your naked body in movement, film yourself fondling your hot spots, or film an unclear masturbation scene in the dark, allowing your sounds to convey your pleasure. Clips can be as short as a few seconds, so do not feel pressure to produce a professional-quality performance. There's a reason why amateur porn is often more appealing than high-budget films.

And don't forget that you do not have to send videos of yourself; sexy videos and GIFs you come across online can be equally appealing when complemented by a personal note like _We should try this tonight_ or _This made me think of you._ You may also opt to film yourself talking to your lover: you might compliment them, tell them how much you enjoyed a recent encounter, tease them by removing clothing (even if they can only see you from the shoulders up) or simply express your love if their core erotic feeling is related to being cared for. You don't have to be sexually explicit to be sexually enticing, so find an approach that suits your style to increase the likelihood of following through.

With photos and voice notes, you may also opt to inundate your partner with multiple messages as you get closer to actually connecting in person. For example, you might send a series of communiqués all at once, or send a variety on multiple platforms—via email, via text, on an app like InTheMood, _and_ via private message on social media platforms. This can be particularly appealing to kinesthetic learners who enjoy movement and physical distraction—the next best thing to real-life touch.

If you are sexting with a long-term partner, get creative with your approaches. Send sexy messages while the kids or roommates are in the room. Hit send before you walk in the door at the end of the day. Interrupt their day with an unexpected sext, or change their screensaver to a sexy photo when they leave their phone unattended. Obviously, you will want to be mindful of how they use their phone (e.g., do their coworkers or kids sometimes pick it up to check the time, or do they safeguard it in their bag at all times?) to ensure your safety and privacy and show respect to other folks in your lives.

Digital technology is often painted with broad strokes, and there's no denying that it can detract from intimate connection. However, technology is not the problem—human use (and abuse) ultimately determines its effects. You can use technology to your advantage to make it a healthy component of your relationships, and be sure to set limits on its use to minimize the potential detriments. However you sext, be sure to continuously check in with your partner(s) to ensure that you are respecting their boundaries, as these can change over time depending on living, working, and personal circumstances.

Webcam/Videophone Seduction

Whether you are in a long-distance relationship or experimenting with digi-sex with your live-in partner(s), webcam experiences are among the most vivid and interactive. Live video interactions can be used to build desire, cultivate trust, inject an element of risk, and play various roles that may not be accessible in person.

As with every sexual activity, assess safety and risk factors in the context of your lifestyle and relationship before proceeding with a live video chat, as there is always a possibility of being recorded.

If you are nervous or don't know where to begin with a video chat, you can learn a great deal from signing on to other professional video chat sites. Adult camming is a growing industry that includes some fascinating and novel approaches to interactive sex. You can learn and interact with models of all genders, sexual orientations, skill sets, and proclivities. If you browse a few sites right now, you will see models talking about their weekend, painting their toenails, dancing, playing games, stripping, touching themselves, engaging in partnered sex, and being highly creative with their approaches to both viewer interaction and monetization. Many are adept at ensuring that the buildup escalates over time and allowing their authentic selves to generate intense desire and arousal among their viewers.

You might choose to learn through observation and be inspired by their performances, or you can chime in via the live chat. However you choose to indulge, we strongly encourage you to compensate them for their time if you can afford to do so. Their skills, experience, and knowledge merit respect and recompense.

If you are in a relationship in which signing on to an adult webcam site might violate the terms of your commitment, or if you are unsure how your partner might feel about this, discuss this in advance. You might even consider watching webcam models perform together, and if you do, consider how this fits into the boundaries and expectations of your relationship. Some questions to generate reflection and discussion include:

► If we do this together, does it mean we can do it alone? Set parameters and agree upon what is acceptable within the confines of your relationship. Don't worry about what others (including experts) have to say. You decide what is dis/allowed in your own relationship as a team.

► Are we willing to interact (chat) with the models, or just watch?

► Are you nervous about the experience? What makes you nervous? What can your partner do to assuage your concerns?

► If you feel uncomfortable at any point, how will you address this? Will you close the computer? Take a break? Will you use a sign to communicate your discomfort?

► If you're using a pay site (many offer free access), what spending limit do you want to set?

Be honest about your desires and boundaries. You are not a prude if you're not into adult webcams, and you don't have to do _everything_ to have a happy relationship and satisfying sex life.

Should you choose to proceed with webcam seduction on your own, begin by clearing the background, adjusting the lights, wiping down your camera (unless you want it to be blurry), selecting a flattering angle, and assuming a comfortable position that can be maintained over a period of time. Cam models will tell you that rookies often make the mistake of setting the camera at an angle that flatters their initial positioning, but don't realize how tiring the position can be. Prioritize your comfort.

Because you will be able to see your camera's view on your screen (if you're using a computer), take a moment to minimize (or hide) this portion of your view so that you do not stare at yourself throughout the experience and can make eye contact with your camera.

You can begin by simply talking. Ask them what they want to do. What do they want to see? What do they want to hear? Listen, give positive feedback, and validate their desires with smiles, giggles, nods, ahhs, _mm-hmms,_ and deep breaths. Ask specific questions to drill into the finer details of their desires.

Share your desires too. What are you thinking about? How are you feeling? What do you feel in your body? What do you want to see? What do you want to hear? Do you have any special requests? Remember that seduction is not only about your performance, but also includes actively pursuing your own desires.

When you're feeling turned on, you may slowly start to undress. It can be effective to wear multiple layers to build anticipation and keep them curious. Be sure to cultivate consent as you proceed.

As you undress, ask them how they're feeling. Inquire as to what they're feeling. Ask them to show you a specific body part or movement. Let them know what is coming next and what you want from them in order to make it happen. For example, _if you show me yours, I'll show you mine,_ or _I want to touch myself, but I want to see you undress first._

You can play the role of director or pupil—whichever suits you best. If you want to direct your partner, give specific instructions: _Touch your nipple with your thumb. Lick your thumb and rub it all around. Slower. Now look up at me. Lick your lips. Turn your head to the side so I can see your tongue along your lips. Suck your finger into your mouth. Now come a little closer. I want to see you up close. Can you blow me a kiss? Taste yourself for me. Reach down and let me watch_

_you get your fingers wet. Now rub them along your cheek. Keep rubbing. Now suck them in. How do you taste? Tell me how you taste. Do you want me to taste you?_

You might also talk about what you might do if you were in the room with them (as a fantasy). _I'm going to come over. Do you want me to? Would you wait for me? Can I touch you? Can I slide my fingers inside you? How much can you take? I want to help you get a taste, but first I want to touch your entire body. I want to smell you and taste you from head to toe. I'm coming over to suck you off._

Or you can talk about how you are feeling. _I want it so badly. I wish you were here to take care of me. I can feel the juices on my legs. Can you see them? My nipples hurt, I want you to suck them so badly. I'm aching for you. I'm going to touch myself. It feels so good. My fingers are cold, and this makes my body tingle. It's too much._

As evidenced by the diversity of profitable content on professional adult webcam sites, there is no right way to use webcams for sexual seduction. You might use them while you're in the next room, or you might use them while you and your partner are in different countries. You can use a webcam for sixty seconds at noon to give your lover a taste of what's to come when you both get home, or you can draw out the experience over the course of a full hour. Some folks use webcams almost every day, and others save them for special occasions. You might prefer to center the shot so that your partner can see everything, or you might opt to position yourself almost entirely off-screen so that your lover has to fill in the visual blanks on their own. You can use the webcam to connect with your one true love or to orchestrate a group orgy with no risk of fluid transmission and no pressure to spend the night.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

If you have yet to utilize video to seduce a lover, there is no better time than the present. Turn on your webcam now and enjoy an offline solo session to get accustomed to being on camera. Turn your Wi-Fi and data off and take a few minutes to play with your body, talk dirty, breathe with desire, and experiment on your own.

Mindful Touch and Seduction for Busy People: How to Manage Distractions

If your lifestyle is fast-paced and hectic, your mind likely wanders during seduction and foreplay (and all sexual activities), and you are not alone. Seduction and sexual pleasure are often hindered by distractions, intrusive thoughts, and/or the pressure of performance. And it is no surprise that we struggle to be present during sex given that sleep deprivation, overcommitment, and the consumption of thirty-four gigabytes of daily data have become the individual norm. You may have unknowingly trained yourself to be distracted by scrolling through filtered images, multitasking (AKA dividing your focus) to save time, and bringing your newsfeed into your bedroom.

But it doesn't have to be this way. You can unlearn these distracting habits and train yourself to be more present in your sexual interactions and relationships through the practice of mindfulness—in and out of the bedroom.

Through the practice of mindfulness, you can overhaul your default setting so that it no longer involves dividing your attention or using distractions to achieve a specific objective. Instead, you will find that being in the moment and embracing your current emotions and sensations becomes the norm.

Being mindful refers to being engaged in the present experience free from judgment and pressure. It involves showing up for yourself and your partner(s). And when it comes to sex, being mindful precipitates multiple benefits, including heightened desire, greater confidence, lower performance anxiety, and improved sexual functioning including arousal, erection, ejaculatory control, and orgasm. When you are present and mindful, you become more alert and energized, more creative, more connected with yourself, and more connected to your partner.

If you would like to be more in the moment and cultivate a more mindful sexual experience, consider these approaches and activities to get started:

Change the Way You Breathe

When you feel overwhelmed or unable to stay in the moment, calm your body and mind by bringing your focus to your breath. Pay attention to the way the air feels as you inhale through your nose, and take note of the sensations as you exhale slowly through your mouth.

_Inhale for 1-2-3-4-5._

_Hold for 1-2-3._

_Exhale for 1-2-3-4-5._

Repeat five times, and notice how your breath affects your heart rate and emotional state. You are unlikely to use this approach in the middle of a sexual encounter, but it can help to prime your body for sexual desire. You can also use it if you find you need a break during sexual activity.

Aside from cultivating presence, your breath plays a role in your sexual response and pleasure.

During sex, you likely hold your breath for a variety of reasons: nerves, excitement, fear of losing control, an attempt to dampen your sounds so as not to disturb the kids, roommates, or neighbors. You may hold your breath because the heavy breathing that precedes and accompanies orgasm feels unnatural—though it is quite the opposite, as this deep breathing can intensify orgasm. Interestingly, we do the same when we're lifting weights. We hold our breath because we think it gives us more control or strength when, in fact, it limits the oxygen to our system, which can cause our muscles to tire more easily. In both sex and exercise, stifling our breath is counterproductive. When you breathe purposefully and mindfully, you're more likely to feel connected to your body and relish in its pleasurable sensations.

Breathe in a Cloud

Your breath is not only essential to sexual response, but breathing purposefully can help you to be more mindful and connected to your body. The cloud breathing technique combines both breath work and visualization to create a more meaningful connection between your mind and body.

The technique is simple: envision yourself surrounded by a soft, warm, cozy, fluffy cloud. As you inhale, visualize the cloud shrinking around your body. As you exhale, visualize the cloud expanding. As you visualize the cloud enveloping your body, take comfort in imagining its warmth and soft touch.

Continue to inhale while visualizing the cloud closing in on your body and exhale as it expands ever so slightly. You might take six deep breaths when you get into bed or use this approach to be more present throughout the day.

As you relax into this visualization and breathing technique, pay attention to how your body feels in terms of tension and relaxation, temperature, heart rate, weight, texture against your clothing or bedsheets, and general comfort to practice being more mindful of your body's unique responses.

Cloud breathing is not intended to be erotic, and most people do not use it _during_ sexual activity, but its practice fosters presence and mindfulness to create a connection between your breath and body. Learning to be mindful of your body and breath _outside_ the bedroom will help you to be more mindful in a similar fashion during sexual experiences. You may also find this activity helpful when you first get into bed, if you find you are distracted or distressed by intrusive thoughts; as you focus on your body and breath via the cloud visualization, you will be more present with yourself and better prepared to connect with your body and your partner—however you choose to seduce one another.

Try Mindful Masturbation

Oftentimes we treat self-pleasure sessions as mindless tune-ups and rush through without truly appreciating the full erotic capacity of our bodies. Since most of us learn about our body's sexual response through masturbation, hastening the experience can create bad habits and establish an association between sex and expediency. The practice of mindful masturbation can help you to break these habits, prolong the adventure, and be more conscious of erotic pleasure.

To be more mindful when you masturbate, consider taking orgasm out of the equation. Touch yourself for pleasure for fifteen to twenty minutes _without_ trying to reach orgasm. Explore your entire body with your hands, using lube, massage oil, toys, and/ or objects of various textures. As you get in touch with your body's distinct responses and breathing patterns, you will find that your ability to stay present during sex (partnered and solo) increases, as you will be less hung up on the performance and more focused on the pleasure itself.

You may also want to experiment with different breathing patterns while you masturbate.

Pay attention to the way you breathe before orgasm and try to draw the breaths out a bit longer to see how it changes the sensations. Some people close their eyes and visualize sending the oxygen to their pelvic region (like in yoga or Pilates), and they say that this sometimes precipitates a state of euphoria—an oxygen high.

Others report that deep, slow breaths extend the orgasmic contractions and make them more intense, so they focus on breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. Practicing while you masturbate will help normalize the breathing pattern so that eventually it doesn't require focus/effort.

Of course, it's important to note that each person's experience with breathing patterns and pleasure is unique. We've also had clients who find that holding their breath for a short period of time triggers orgasm, so experiment with different breathing patterns to see what works for you.

Engage in a Digital Detox

Each night, lock your phones and tablets away. Put them in the basement, car, or a kitchen cupboard. Designate a specific time and set an alarm in your calendar so that you follow through. If you don't want to do this every night, begin with one night per week and add a second night in a few weeks.

Make an effort to fall asleep and wake up to your lover, as opposed to checking in with your online friends as soon as you open your eyes. If your phone is your alarm clock, invest in an actual alarm clock and stop making excuses.

Once you become accustomed to nightly detoxes, consider adding tech-free time to your weekly or daily routine. Perhaps you opt to leave your phone in the trunk whenever you hop in the car, or you might choose to have phone-free dinners several times per week. Some couples we work with designate one hour after work as tech-free (they leave their phones in their cars or bags) so that they have time to reconnect and catch up after a busy day. And other families put their phones and tablets in a box in the closet before dinner—this can be helpful whether you are dining solo, with a partner, or in a group.

Whatever limits you set for your digital detox, consider keeping track of how you feel while you're tech-free. Compare your degree of presence on the days in which you abstain from technology to those in which you indulge without limits.

Chart for tracking:

_Did I take a digital detox today? Yes/No_

_Note on what this digital detox entailed:_

_I feel good about my body. Scale of 1-10_

_I feel connected to my body. Scale of 1-10_

_I feel physically at ease. Scale of 1-10_

_I feel emotionally at ease. Scale of 1-10_

_I feel close to my partner/other loved ones. Scale of 1-10_

_I feel in the moment and present. Scale of 1-10_

Focus on One Sense to Engage in Sensual Presence

When you tap into your senses, it brings you back to the present moment. You cannot _smell_ in the future or _hear_ in the past. You can only see, taste, hear, smell, and touch in the present.

To practice sensual presence, home in on one sense, like your sense of sound. Close your eyes. Tune into the most obvious sounds you hear right now. Take a few slow breaths and then deepen your listening. What else do you hear in the distance? Breathe as you embrace these sounds. Notice their finer details—their volume, rhythm, and vibrations. What do you feel in your body as you listen?

As you learn to be mindful in your everyday life, being present and open to sensual pleasure will become more natural, as will being mindful about the way you interact with and seduce your lover(s). Try a few minutes of sensual presence before you walk in the door at night, and see how you respond differently to those you love.

Deprive Yourself (or Your Partner)

Lower the lights, close your eyes, wear a blindfold, or invest in sound-canceling headphones to help you to be more mindful and focus on sex when you are busy or distracted. The deprivation of one sense can heighten another, which can help you to focus on your lover's touch, voice, appearance, or scent—and this can lead to a more mindful connection and heightened attraction.

This approach can be particularly useful if you are trying to seduce a partner who finds themself easily distracted. They may want to experience sexual pleasure, but struggle to stay in the moment, and they may ask for your help getting in the mood. Of course, it's not your job to put them in the mood all the time (they have to make the lifestyle, attitudinal, and behavioral adjustments if they want to want sex), but you can lend a hand via sensory deprivation.

Ask them if they are open to being blindfolded while you touch their body.

Ask them if they'd like to wear earplugs, plug in a white-noise machine, or play loud music to drown out distracting sounds while you touch their body for pleasure.

Offer them the option of lying in the dark while you whisper in their ear or read them a story that turns them on.

Sometimes managing distractions is not only about focusing on the present, but eliminating one sensory stimulus so that you can tune into another.

Put Intrusive Thoughts in a Box

If you find that thoughts of work, kids, or upcoming responsibilities detract from your ability to get in the mood, try a visualization exercise in which you place these troublesome thoughts in a box. Picture yourself shelving the box away outside your room (e.g., in the garage or closet), so that you can return to it at a later time.

If the thought returns, don't stress. Accept it and remind yourself that the worry, concern, or issue is waiting for you in a box and you can address it tomorrow. Take a few breaths to recenter yourself and bring your attention to your partner's touch, or listen to the sound of their breath.

It's normal to experience intrusive thoughts even when you are thoroughly enjoying a sexual experience. As we mentioned earlier with reference to the white bears, there's no point in attempting to banish a thought (it has the opposite of the intended effect); acknowledge it without judgment, put it away, and tune into one of your senses to bring yourself back to the present moment.

Try the Face Caress with a Partner

You may not consider your face an erogenous zone, but the skin on your cheeks, chin, and forehead tends to be highly responsive to sensual touch. The face caress involves touching, feeling, and kissing your lover's face for five to ten minutes. Take turns being the giver and receiver, and be sure to use your fingertips, palms, lips, breath, and the backs of your hands as you explore every contour of their face.

When it's your turn to receive touch, breathe deeply and allow yourself to enjoy the relaxation and indulgence of a sensual face massage intended to please and pamper.

Touch for pleasure and connection with no specific goal or outcome. Be mindful of the texture, temperature, stroke, pressure, and rhythm of your lover's touch.

When you are done, take a few minutes to hold hands, spoon, and/or breathe in sync.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

These mindfulness practices not only improve sex, but also deepen the connection we experience with the one(s) we love. Being mindful can help us to tune into our own emotions and recognize our lover's feelings, vulnerabilities, and needs. Consider how you can be more mindful right now. Can you close your eyes and tune into one physical sensation in your body? Perhaps you feel your body against the cushion or mattress or your feet against the floor. If you're reading this book in a park (good for you!) or under a fan, can you feel the wind or air against your skin? Pay attention to the most obvious sensation and then tune in a little more intently to pick up on the less obvious ones. Take a few breaths as you home in on your sense of touch. How do you feel in your body? Are you comfortable? Can you shift around to improve your comfort? Are any of your muscles tense? Does adjusting your position help them to relax and be at ease? Even two minutes of mindfulness can help you to feel more connected to yourself, your body, and your environment. Developing this practice outside of the bedroom will help the experience arise more naturally when you are aroused.

**A note on mindfulness as social lubrication:** As you read through these mindfulness exercises and seduction techniques, you might have assumed that getting intoxicated will facilitate or enhance your performance. And while a drink or toke may help you to relax and loosen up, too much of a good thing can lead to miscommunication and regret. (Having said this, you know your body and its response to substances best, so you can determine how much to use and how to reduce harm when you do.). It is worth noting that the practice of mindfulness can be as effective at lowering inhibitions and self-consciousness as any intoxicating substance, without the hangover, apologies, and regret. It can help you to feel more grounded, heighten your connection to your body, and augment self-confidence.

We've only scratched the surface with regard to mindful sex, and we encourage you to keep exploring. You might download a general mindfulness app to begin and end each day mindfully or read up on mindful sex (we suggest Laurie Brotto's _Better Sex Through Mindfulness,_ which explores both theories and real-life stories). If you want a guided approach to mindfulness exercises designed to benefit your relationship and sex life, check out the Mindful Sex video course hosted by me (Jess) and Dr. Reece Malone (available at HappierCouples.com).

Online Seduction

Seduction no longer begins when you meet in person, as you can now choose from thousands of apps and programs related to online dating and mating—many of which are free to use. Digital dating has altered the sex and relationship landscape and has changed the ways in which we communicate and interact with potential partners. Some people consider this change primarily positive, as you can now meet more people than ever from all corners of the world. Others lament the loss of community-based connections and consider the so-called old-fashioned way more simple, easy, and straightforward. We believe that there are benefits to all approaches and suggest that you can blend digital and in-person dating and seduction to suit your needs.

If you're interested in exploring online dating or improving your online seduction approach, consider the following strategies. They are all rooted in being more authentic in order to attract partners well suited to your needs and to filter out those interested in playing games.

**Present a clear picture of your face(s) and consider smiling.** If you like to smile, let it shine. Research and common sense confirms that a genuine smile makes you more attractive, as you appear healthier, more confident, and approachable. Some folks use blurry or filtered images to distort their appearance and/or age, but we suggest that you use a photo that reflects your true appearance. Select a shot in which you appear attractive and don't use a photo that reflects what you looked like two, five, or ten years ago. You want to put your best foot forward _and_ attract someone who is drawn to the real you.

If you're single and looking for a date, don't include friends in your profile photo, as daters do not want to play a guessing game or be tasked with scrolling through all of your photos to figure out who you are. Online dating moves quickly, and most daters are not going to take the time to do detective work, so make it easy for them to recognize what you look like from the outset. If you are a couple looking for a date, choose a profile photo that shows both of your faces and reflects your love and affection for one another.

**Supplement your profile photo with additional pictures** so that folks who are attracted to your main photo can get to know a little about you via visual representation. Post at least five photos to give them the opportunity to learn about the things you value. Do you have kids or pets? Do you like to dance or hike? Do you like cosplay or kink? Share these values and preferences in your photo album. Of course, if you believe your job might be adversely affected by your public profile, err on the side of caution if your (culturally) subversive desires and values might put you at risk.

As you craft your profile, highlight information about the person you are, as opposed to the person you want to be. **What identities do you hold and cherish for yourself?** Mention your identities that are important to you, and let the person decide if those identities are compatible with their desires.

**List your hobbies and interests** and be honest about how you spend your time. Are you into traveling to foreign countries? Do you love drinking and dancing at the club? Do you spend your spare time hiking and camping new trails? Describe the type of person you are. Is your horoscope sign important to you? Mention it. Is physical fitness a must? Share the types of physical activities you enjoy. Are you a smoker or social drinker? Make it known.

Feel free to **share a few details about what you're looking for** as well. Do you want someone who loves to travel and is open to living and moving around the world at some point? Are you looking for a partner who loves theater and the arts? Share this from the onset so that others can self-select, and remember that a missed connection is not personal—they simply may not be a good fit.

Do not be afraid to **acknowledge your perceived flaws and limitations.** Is there something about you that you think would turn some people off? Feel free to share it. Although this may seem counterintuitive when it comes to seduction and attraction, it can be helpful. Admitting to shortcomings shows vulnerability, which is often a reflection of trust and confidence. Are you a procrastinator? Are you always late? Consider mentioning these traits and habits in your profile, so that people can either decide that you won't be a good fit or benefit from seeing themselves in you.

As you share your strengths, interests, and even a few vulnerabilities, **do not reveal everything about yourself.** Mystery breeds curiosity, so save something for your potential in-person meeting. You begin dating online, but you do not want to end the connection online. If you're messaging with a potential date, **limit the number of messages you exchange** (e.g., we set our limit to seven, others limit themselves to fifteen) or predetermine how long you are willing to chat online before meeting in person. Share these self-imposed guidelines with your chat mates and use them to motivate yourself to take action rather than waiting for them to initiate further contact. (e.g., _I have a rule for myself that if we've been chatting for two weeks, we should try to meet in person. Are you up for it?)_

When you connect with someone online, **be honest about your expectations** and ask them to clearly state their intentions. Do you want a relationship or a casual hookup? Do you get emotionally attached after sex or do you see sex as a carnal act? Do you want monogamy, consensual nonmonogamy, or are you open to multiple arrangements? Be honest with yourself first so that you can convey your desires to your dates.


Input:
  The prompt for the above section of the story could be:

Q: Can you provide tips on engaging with potential dates beyond their initial photo on online dating profiles? How can someone show genuine interest and increase their chances of getting a response? Additionally, can you address the issue of rejection in online dating and offer advice on how to handle it?

A: Certainly! Online dating can be a great way to meet new people, but it can also be superficial if you're only swiping based on initial photos. It's important to take the time to read through profiles and show genuine interest in the person behind the photo. Here are some tips to help you engage beyond the initial photo:

* **Engage Beyond Their Initial Photo:** Folks complain that online dating (and the swiping culture, in particular) is superficial, but they engage in superficial dating themselves by swiping away too quickly. Can you defy these norms and take a few minutes to read through profiles before you make a declaration about (a lack of) chemistry or attraction? Both attraction and chemistry can be cultivated over time, and in long-term relationships, you will be forced to invest in this cultivation, so it's a good habit to establish from the onset.
* **Message Potential Dates with Genuine Interest:** When you decide to message a potential date, open with a few lines that indicate that you have read their profile (I see you're a hiker too. I'm new to it, but I'm really liking it and I'm going to Valley of Fire next month. Have you been there, or do you have any trail tips?). Be curious and complimentary (e.g., I love that pic of you at Antelope Canyon). Ask them about something they wrote, and don't open with generic phrases (e.g., Hi. How's it going?). Show genuine interest, and you will be rewarded with the same in return (if they are a good fit for you).
* **Remember That Rejection is a Part of Life:** If you try to avoid it, you will always live in fear. The most powerful, successful, attractive, and admirable people in the world have faced rejection and continue to embrace it every single day. You are worthy of love and you will face rejection, so accept it, enjoy the challenge, and continue to learn from your experiences.
* **Enlist a Friend to Help You Get Started:** If you are curious about online dating, but don't know how to get started, enlist a friend to help you. They can lend a hand writing your dating profile, select your photos, and set up your account. Those in monogamous relationships might be particularly keen to assist, as they may be drawn to living vicariously through your new and exciting dating experiences.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

* Take three to five new pictures that reflect your current lifestyle.
* Download a dating app that you have never used before and create a thorough profile with the help of a friend.
* Find a few folks you're interested in messaging and initiate contact. Inject something humorous, cute, or flattering in your message. Show your curiosity.
* See how many messages you get back, bearing in mind that you do not have to date or commit to anyone today.

Response:
As you peruse online profiles, try to **engage beyond their initial photo.** Folks complain that online dating (and the swiping culture, in particular) is superficial, but they engage in superficial dating themselves by swiping away too quickly. Can you defy these norms and take a few minutes to read through profiles _before_ you make a declaration about (a lack of) chemistry or attraction? Both attraction and chemistry can be cultivated over time, and in long-term relationships, you will be forced to invest in this cultivation, so it's a good habit to establish from the onset.

When you decide to message a potential date (please do not feel you have to wait for others to message you), open with a few lines that indicate that you have read their profile (I _see you're a hiker too. I'm new to it, but I'm really liking it and I'm going to Valley of Fire next month. Have you been there, or do you have any trail tips?)._ Be curious and complimentary (e.g., _I love that pic of you at Antelope Canyon)_. Ask them about something they wrote, and don't open with generic phrases (e.g., _Hi. How's it going?)._ Show genuine interest, and you will be rewarded with the same in return (if they are a good fit for you).

Remember that **rejection is a part of life.** If you try to avoid it, you will always live in fear. The most powerful, successful, attractive, and admirable people in the world have faced rejection and continue to embrace it every single day. You are worthy of love _and_ you will face rejection, so accept it, enjoy the challenge, and continue to learn from your experiences.

If you are curious about online dating, but don't know how to get started, **enlist a friend to help you.** They can lend a hand writing your dating profile, select your photos, and set up your account. Those in monogamous relationships might be particularly keen to assist, as they may be drawn to living vicariously through your new and exciting dating experiences.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Take three to five new pictures that reflect your current lifestyle. Download a dating app that you have never used before and create a thorough profile with the help of a friend. Find a few folks you're interested in messaging and initiate contact. Inject something humorous, cute, or flattering in your message. Show your curiosity. See how many messages you get back, bearing in mind that you do not have to date or commit to anyone today.