Input:
 The above passage discusses the importance of open communication in sexual relationships and provides tips on how to have these conversations. It emphasizes the need to talk about sex and highlights the benefits of doing so, such as increased intimacy, pleasure, and overall relationship quality.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: Why is it important to talk about sex in a relationship, and how can couples effectively communicate their needs and desires?

A: Talking about sex is essential for building a fulfilling and meaningful sexual relationship. Despite popular portrayals of sex in the media, everyone's experiences with sex and relationships are unique, and it's important to unlearn commonly accepted sexual stereotypes. By discussing sex openly, couples can create a foundation for more pleasurable and satisfying experiences.

If you're uncomfortable talking about sex with your partner, you're not alone. Many people struggle to communicate their needs, boundaries, preferences, and desires. However, it's important to push through the discomfort and have these conversations, as they can heighten intimacy and improve the overall quality of the relationship.

Here is a simple three-part approach to starting a conversation about sex:

1. **Highlight the positive.** Begin by discussing what you already enjoy about your sex life and offering genuine compliments. This initial conversation doesn't need to lead immediately to requests and critiques, and it's not a one-shot deal. You can break the discussions up over several days or weeks so that sex-related communication becomes the norm. Ideally, your comfort levels will increase, and sex talk will become a regular part of your interactions.

Examples:
- I really love when you...
- You are the best at...
- I'll never forget how you...
- One thing that I really like is...
2. **Ask questions and/or make an offer.** Asking questions to learn more about your lover's needs and feelings improves sexual understanding, communication, pleasure, and seduction. No person is a universally great lover, but a willingness to listen and learn goes a long way. Encourage your partner to open up and share their thoughts and feelings about sex.

Examples:
- Do you like when I...?
- Show me how you like it in this position...
- What can I do for you right now?
- What did you think about that scene in a film or TV show we watched together?
- If I were to seduce you tomorrow, what would you want me to do?
3. **Make your request.** As you become more comfortable talking about sex, expressing your desires and interests will become easier. When making requests, be mindful of your partner's feelings and consider how your approach affects their response. Make sure your requests are genuine and not veiled complaints or criticisms.

Examples:
- I would love more... You are so good at it.
- I had a dream about trying...with you, and it got me thinking...
- I read an article about... What do you think of that?
- I have the best orgasms when you...
- In an ideal world, I'd like to have sex (however you define it) X times per week. What can we do to make more time/find a balance?

Remember that talking about sex is an ongoing conversation that can include laughter, tension, and awkward moments. It's these moments that will only intensify passion and attraction later on. So, relax, take a deep breath, and start talking!

Response:
CHAPTER

4

SEDUCTIVE COMMUNICATION: CONVERSATIONS FOR HOTTER SEX

Talking about sex can be just as exciting and arousing as having sex. But it can also be intimidating. Despite the fact that we are surrounded by depictions of sex and sexual messages, these popular portrayals are often at odds with our own desires and lived experiences.

The bodies, positions, interactions, and responses you see in porn, for example, may not reflect the types of sex you genuinely desire; similarly the storylines, relationships, and connections depicted in rom-coms are unlikely to mirror those you've encountered in real life. If you are a person of color, queer, kinky, consensually nonmonogamous, a person with a disability, older, and/or fat, your experiences with sex and relationships are even less likely to be acknowledged and celebrated in popular media.

**It follows that we have to unlearn commonly accepted sexual stereotypes (and help our partners to do the same).**

This is why _talking_ about sex is essential. Communication is not only a form of seduction (we'll get to this very soon, we promise!), but a precursor that lays the foundation for more meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable sex.

If, however, you are uncomfortable talking about sex with your lover, know that you are not alone. Without exception, we all struggle to communicate our needs, boundaries, preferences, and desires at times. No matter how confident you are, sex can be a challenging topic to address, as it is both highly personal and socially stigmatized. It intersects with so many other components of our identities, from the political and personal to the social and physical. Even as so-called experts in the field, we sometimes find ourselves at a loss for words in our personal relationships. But we know we need to push through the discomfort, as these intense conversations are invaluable. They not only have the potential to heighten intimacy and pleasure, but they also improve the overall quality of relationships.

If you are struggling to start a conversation about sex or feel uncomfortable asking for what you want, consider this three-part approach that you can adjust to suit your needs.

► Highlight the positive.

► Ask questions and/or make an offer.

► Make your request.

**Highlight the positive** and begin with lighter topics. Start by talking about what you already enjoy about your sex life, and offer genuine compliments whenever possible. This initial conversation doesn't need to lead immediately to requests and critiques and it is not a one-shot deal. You can break the discussions up over the course of several days or weeks so that sex-related communication becomes the norm. Ideally, your comfort levels will increase, and sex talk will become a regular part of your interactions, as opposed to awkward discussions you have when you encounter problems in your sex life. By regularly acknowledging and appreciating the positive elements of your sex life, you normalize sexual conversations as constructive and ongoing, as opposed to reactionary.

Here are a few lines to get you started with positive sex talk:

_I really love when you . . ._

_You are the best at . . ._

_I'll never forget how you . . ._

_One thing that I really like is . . ._

_Do you remember that time when you . . . ? That felt so good!_

_The most charming thing you do is . . ._

_Your__________is nothing but perfect._

_You are the greatest when you . . ._

_I genuinely love your approach to . . ._

**Asking questions** to learn more about your lover's needs and feelings also improves sexual understanding, communication, pleasure, and seduction. No person is a universally great lover, but a willingness to listen and learn goes a long way.

With most skill-based activities, we receive formal instruction from our parents, teachers, experts, and peers. This learning might include courses, demonstrations, videos, formal practice, evaluation, and ongoing feedback. Sex, however, is an exception. We are expected to engage in hot, fulfilling sex without any formal education and with very few (if any) opportunities for observation.

Most of us have never had the opportunity to watch live, unscripted sex, so we make assumptions about what our partners want based on what we've seen in porn. But porn is primarily intended to entertain and titillate and is not produced with educational outcomes in mind. Just as you cannot learn to drive from watching NASCAR or _The Fast and the Furious,_ you will not learn about the diversity and nuances of sex from porn. And you certainly will not learn about what your partner wants unless you ask them.

Some questions to start or continue your sexual conversation might include:

_Do you like when I . . . ?_

_Show me how you like it in this position . . ._

_What can I do for you right now?_

_What did you think about that scene in a film or TV show we watched together?_

_If I were to seduce you tomorrow, what would you want me to do?_

_Is there anything you would like me to do to make sex more enjoyable for you?_

_Where do you like to be touched?_

_What words do you want me to use/avoid?_

_After you climax, how do you want to be touched/held?_

_What would you like to do after we have sex?_

Making offers and acknowledging that you're willing to consider feedback and make adaptations to meet your partner's needs can increase the likelihood that they'll want to do the same. When you admit that you don't know it all, your partner is likely to follow suit, and expressions of vulnerability—of any kind—tend to bring you closer together.

Sex talk will be easier and more fruitful if it's a two-way exchange, as opposed to a one-directional lecture. If you are more naturally inclined toward verbal expression than your partner, take a step back and encourage them to open up so the conversations are not one-sided. Listen intently and ask for clarification as needed. Look to yourself first to identify opportunities for growth, rather than asking your partner to change to meet your needs; _you will get more of what you want if you focus on what you are willing to give first._

**Making requests** and setting boundaries will become easier as you become accustomed to highlighting the positive and asking questions, and your comfort level talking about sex will likely increase. Expressing your desires and interests with care and tact can be a challenge, and you can expect your lover to be sensitive to your speech, tone, and body language. If your lover becomes defensive when you make a request, offer reassurance that your requests do not reflect a deficit, but are an indication of your love, commitment, and attraction. You may want to encourage your lover to share their requests first so that you can model receptiveness to their needs.

And always consider how your approach affects your partner's response. Are you really making a _request_ or are you lodging a _complaint?_ Have you considered how you can make changes (cognitive or behavioral) to meet your own needs first or have you placed the onus of responsibility on your partner alone? Do you balance requests with positive reinforcement and do you ensure that incidents of the latter far outweigh the former? Oftentimes, we become frustrated with our partner's reactions to our requests without considering how our approach contributed to eliciting their reaction. So if you want something from your partner, ensure that your request isn't really a veiled complaint or criticism. You have a right to ask for what you want, but you want to be mindful of your partner's feelings too.

Consider trying these conversation starters when making sexual requests:

_I would love more _____________. You are so good at it._

_I had a dream about trying _____________with you, and it got me thinking . . ._

_I read an article about _____________. What do you think of that?_

_I have the best orgasms when you _____________._

_In an ideal world, I'd like to have sex (however you define it) X times per week. What can we do to make more time/find a balance?_

_One thing I'd like to work on is . . ._

_I would like to explore this type of fantasy. Are you open to that? Why or why not?_

Talking about sex isn't a one-shot deal. It is an ongoing conversation that can include laughter, tension, and awkward moments. It is the tension and awkwardness that will only intensify passion and attraction later on. So relax, take a deep breath, and start talking! You will be glad you did.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Fill out the following questionnaire on your own in your journal. Notice how you respond to the questions when you read them for the first time. Have you considered these questions in the past, and why might you have avoided them?

Set a reminder in your calendar to revisit your notes in three months, six months, and/or one year. Consider why things have changed over time. Why do you think your answers might be the same or different? Are there any new sexual fantasies that have arisen? Our bodies, feelings, and ideas change over time, so it can be helpful to come back to this questionnaire every once in a while to reevaluate.

Self-Questionnaire:

► Do you remember the very first time you talked about sex with a partner? How have you changed and grown since that conversation?

► When did you last start a conversation about sex? How did you initiate the discussion and what might you do differently?

► Can you recall a time your partner(s) talked to you about sex? How did you respond? If you could go back in time, how would you adjust your response?

► When do you usually talk about sex? Is there a time that might work better?

► Where do you usually talk about sex? Is there a place that might work better?

► What makes talking about sex easier?

► What holds you back from opening up about sex?

► If you could ask your partner(s) one thing related to sex, what would it be?

► What could you do differently to enhance your sex life?

Talking About Sexual Frequency

One of the most important conversations you will have with regard to sex pertains to sexual frequency. Understanding your partner's preferences with regard to frequency will help you gauge how and when to seduce them.

And though quality is likely more important than quantity, sexual frequency and discrepancies in desire are significant and common sources of friction in relationships, so we want you to talk about it—even if it's not an issue at this time.

You cannot expect your desire for sex to perfectly align with your partner's over the course of many years or a lifetime. That would be like asking them to want the same foods in the same quantity at the same time every day for the rest of your lives. It is not realistic.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Part I: The Frequency Exercise

Talk about sexual frequency—in hard numbers. Even though your desire for sex fluctuates, it is essential to be specific about how often you would like to have sex. Do you want it once a day, once a week, or once a quarter? Oftentimes, we think we know how often our partner wants it, but we are not accurate at estimating their needs.

If you want sex less often than your partner, it is likely that you overestimate how often they want it, because it feels like they're always asking for it.

If you want sex more often than your partner does, it is likely that you underestimate how often they want it, because it feels as though they're never interested or always saying no.

By formalizing the conversation, you will improve understanding and be better equipped to find common ground and meet one another's needs.

Get started now:

► Write down how often you want to have sex on a piece of paper. Do you want it once per week, once per hour, or once per fiscal year? Be honest. You are allowed to want it every day, and you are also allowed to not want sex at all. Draw a line below your number.

► Below the line, write down how often you believe your partner wants to have sex. Do you think they want it once per day, once per month, or once with every meal?

► Share your papers, have a laugh, and then have a discussion about how you can find some middle ground.

You might be on the same page as your partner, and you might feel as though you're still a world apart—either experience is okay. You can cultivate compatibility if you are both willing to put in the effort.

Part II: Lovers' Inquiry—Sexual Accelerants and Impediments

To better understand your own needs with regard to sexual frequency and your partner's, make a list of things that increase your desire for sex (accelerants) as well as a list of things that decrease your desire for sex (impediments). Consider experiences, interactions, feelings, and behaviors—both internal (related to yourself), external (related to life in general), and relational (related to your partner).

For example, perhaps you are more interested in sex when you exercise, dance, cook at home, get a good night's rest, spend time alone, read a book, listen to a specific song, finish the laundry, wake up early, stay up late, stand up for yourself, or enjoy a glass of tea. Or perhaps you find you want sex more frequently when you kiss, cuddle, read together, share a bath, laugh, take a break from chores, fantasize, eat candy, or decorate your room with flowers from the garden. These are some of your sexual seduction accelerants.

On the flip side, you might find that your interest in sex decreases when you watch the news, scroll on social media, play with your kids, talk to your roommate, eat a heavy meal, or work late. You might also lose interest when your partner works late, you eat dinner separately, or you talk about money. These are examples of your sexual seduction impediments.

These are just a few examples. The possibilities are endless and no two people will share the same lists.

Discuss your list with your partner, and become familiar with theirs to help you better understand how to meet one another's needs. Ask questions for clarification, look for overlaps, and devise strategies to find common ground. The Frequency Exercise and the Sexual Accelerants and Impediments inquiry are designed to help you start the conversation that will make space for finding common ground. You may also want to consider:

► Alternative activities in which to engage when one partner is in the mood and the other is not (e.g., toys, self-pleasure, other forms of intimate connection, lending a hand, exploring ways to get in the mood).

► Lifestyle changes to adjust your desire for sex (e.g., exercise, mindfulness, meditation, positive self-talk, fantasizing, masturbation) if you want to want more sex.

► Strategies and support your partner can offer to encourage interest in sex (e.g., share workload, increase affection, spend quality time, eroticize daily interactions, improve sexual technique and seduction).

► Specific ways to indicate to one another that you're (not) in the mood so that you remain connected even when you're not having frequent sex—however you define it.

Remember that frequency only matters as much as _you_ feel it matters. You do not need to have more or less sex unless you and/or your partner _want_ to have more or less sex. You can have sex once a day and be satisfied, and you can have sex once a year (or not at all) and be fulfilled. It is a matter of determining how often you want it and finding a balance between your desired frequency and your partner's.

Your levels of desire for sex will fluctuate with time, so even if you are aligned today, you will want to repeat this exercise at regular intervals. Of course, you'll be better off if you focus on the quality of your sexual relationship as opposed to the frequency with which you have sex; however, because sexual and relational satisfaction are tied to sexual frequency, the better you understand your partner's expectations, the better lover you will be when it comes to seduction, foreplay, and all types of sex.


Input:
 The passage above discusses the importance of verbal seduction in a sexual relationship and provides examples of different types of dirty talk that cater to various preferences and fantasies. It emphasizes the benefits of talking dirty during sex, such as increased self-esteem, satisfaction, and engagement of multiple brain regions.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: How can people use verbal seduction, or "dirty talk," to enhance their sexual experiences? What are some examples of different types of dirty talk that cater to various preferences and fantasies?

A: Verbal seduction, or "dirty talk," can greatly enhance sexual experiences by engaging multiple brain regions, including those involved in processing sound and emotion. This can lead to higher levels of self-esteem and satisfaction during sex. It's important to remember that dirty talk doesn't have to be literal "dirty" or perverted, but can be sweet, loving, raw, raunchy, edgy, fun, hot, or even funny.

When it comes to dirty talk, there's no one-size-fits-all approach. It's important to find what works for you and your partner. Here are some examples of different types of dirty talk:

1. **Desirous dirty talk:** Focuses on expressing desire and love for your partner.
	* I'll never want anyone but you. You are too good and no one could ever compare.
	* I love you so much. And when you do me like this, my love only deepens.
	* I want this to last forever. I cannot imagine it any other way.
2. **Consensually nonmonogamous fantasies:** Explores the idea of sharing your partner or having multiple partners.
	* I cannot wait to share you.
	* I'm ready for that threesome now.
	* This weekend is all about you.
3. **Sexual taboos:** Engages with boundaries and potentially taboo subjects.
	* Can you tie me up? It's something I've been wanting to experience.
	* I'd like to be your sexy kitten/perfect pup. Will you collar me?
4. **Teasing and playful:** Focuses on lighthearted, playful banter.
	* Do you like it when I touch you here? I like to wrap my hands around you right there...
	* Let's wrestle! Winner takes all...
5. **Dominance and submission:** Explores power dynamics in the relationship.
	* Babe, you have to follow all my rules right now.
	* Get on your hands and knees and wait like a good girl/boy.

Remember that dirty talk is all about communication and consent. Always ensure that your partner is comfortable with the words and scenarios you are discussing. And don't be afraid to experiment and find your own unique style of verbal seduction.

Response:
CHAPTER

5

VERBAL SEDUCTION

Your Own Kind of Dirty Talk

Talking about sex is not only a preamble to better sex, but also an effective approach to sexual seduction. Research suggests that when you talk about sex _during_ sex, you experience higher levels of sexual self-esteem and satisfaction.6

Learning to seduce with your words is a skill that will enhance your sex life and may also improve overall communication. And learning to talk dirty can make sex more compelling and intense, as it engages multiple regions of the brain, including those involved in processing sound and emotion. This mind-body experience can be overwhelming and encourage you to use sex as an escape from reality.

But the term _dirty_ is a bit of a misnomer, as dirty talk can make sex sweet, loving, raw, raunchy, edgy, fun, hot, and even funny. It need not be _dirty_ in a pejorative or perverted sense—unless you want it to be!

With your words, you can bring fantasy to life and ensure that you get more of what you desire in bed (or in the back seat of your car). You can gab your way through fantasies and bring them to life in words alone. You can weave stories, play roles, switch personalities, make empty promises that feel real (with consent), and lead your lover into far off sexual and emotional lands that allow them to escape from mundane reality.

If you find dirty talk challenging or embarrassing, remember that you do not have to conform to any specific standard of _dirty._ For example, in porn, there tends to be an emphasis on screwing harder, faster, stronger, putting things in holes, getting rough, talking about size, and declaring a specific type of pleasure (e.g., _I'm coming!_ ). These approaches work for some people, but if they do not work for you, you can still embrace talking dirty in your own style.

For example, perhaps you are most turned on by monogamous romance. If this is the case, consider desirous dirty talk:

_I'll never want anyone but you. You are too good and no one could ever compare._

_I love you so much. And when you do me like this, my love only deepens._

_I want this to last forever. I cannot imagine it any other way._

_Use me as your toy. I want to be yours all night long._

_You are mine. I adore how naughty you are._

_You are the only one for me. You can do anything with my body._

_I love how you treat me like a queen/king/royalty._

Or perhaps you want to contemplate your consensually nonmonogamous fantasies or desires through dirty talk:

_I cannot wait to share you._

_I'm ready for that threesome now._

_You deserve more than one lover, and I want to give it to you._

_I want to arrange the best orgy you've ever had._

_This weekend is all about you._

_They will all be here to please you. Of course I want to share you. I've invited a friend over to play._

On the other hand, if you are turned on by sexual taboos, you might try some of these lines to get started:

_Can you tie me up? It's something I've been wanting to experience._

_I would love to give you a golden shower and get dirty with you._

_I'd like to be your sexy kitten/perfect pup. Will you collar me?_

_Let's make porn together. I'd love to savor you on video._

_I want to make love to you in public. Let's go to a sex club and show off._

_Hold me down. I've been bad, and I want you to punish me with your bare hands._

_Call me your daddy/mommy and beg me to spank you._

For those who like to tease and be playful, consider the following:

_Do you like it when I touch you here? I like to wrap my hands around you right there . . ._

_I always get what I want. Remember that._

_What a sweet, sexy butt you have . . ._

_You can have me any way you want . . ._

_Let's wrestle! Winner takes all . . ._

_You want this—don't you?_

_I know what you're thinking . . ._

And if you like being dominant, play with these phrases and make them your own:

_Babe, you have to follow all my rules right now._

_Get on your hands and knees and wait like a good girl/boy._

_Spread your legs wide for me. Your body is mine tonight._

_You had better do what I say, or you will suffer the consequences._

_I'm the boss! You will succumb to my desires._

_Be good and fetch me my boots._

_Do what I say or I won't let you come. But if you're good, I'll suck it all out with my lips._

On the flip side, perhaps you prefer to experiment with submission:

_Maybe you should spank me. I've been very, very bad . . ._

_Get over here and show me who's boss!_

_Yes ma'am/sir, you can do whatever you like._

_I am only here to fulfill your fantasies. Tell me what to do._

_In your presence, I'm surrendering all my power to you._

_I'm yours for the taking. Do as you wish._

If you simply want to use dirty talk to give directions, here are a few lines to get you started:

_Come in my mouth. I want your taste on my tongue._

_If that's what you want, grab my head and force me!_

_Do you love my juicy pussy/big dick? Tell me that you love it._

_I want you to undress and wait for me in the bedroom._

_Kiss me. I want more of you._

_Tear my clothes off and have your way with me._

_Get on your knees and shove your whole face in me._

_Peel my clothes off slowly, one piece at a time._

Dirty talk can be used to cultivate consent:

_Would you like to get nasty tonight?_

_Can I touch you in your naughty places?_

_What parts would you like my tongue to taste?_

_I'd love to put my fingers in ______________. Will you let me?_

_I'd love to rub my [genitals] on your ______________. Can I?_

_Can I tear your clothes off? It's all I've been thinking about._

_Can I do you right here and toss you around like a rag doll?_

_Do you want me to hold you down while you scream and resist? (Use our safe word, "popcorn," if you want me to stop.)_

And because seduction involves asking for what you want, you might use direct talk to make requests:

_I want you to bend me over and make me scream . . ._

_Push your ass back toward me. I want to feel all of you._

_I want you deeper inside me. Fill me up._

_Come put your [genitals] in my mouth._

_Put your mouth around my nipples and suck them hard._

_I'm dying for you to wrap your lips around me._

_I'm aching to feel your finger inside me while you kneel at my feet._

_I want you to lie on the kitchen table and let me use all of my toys on you._

Oftentimes, we use dirty talk to live out our fantasies in a role-play or imaginative fashion:

_You haven't been performing well on the court. It's time that I give you a private lesson._

_You just broke the law. How are you going to fix it? Let's work something out._

_I've never done this before. I mean, we just met._

_What's your name again?_

_How much for the whole night? Whatever the cost, I know you're worth it._

_My wife left for the weekend with the kids. Would you like to come over for dinner and a movie and . . . ?_

_You haven't been getting good grades. I'm going to give you some private tutoring._

_It sounds like your drain is plugged. I'll come over and clear the pipes for you. I'm good with my hands, and you can pay me back by stripping down and letting me touch._

You can also consider using dirty talk to simply describe what you're doing, what you are about to do, or how you are feeling in the moment. This can be particularly useful if your partner cannot see what you're doing, or if you are seeking to build anticipation:

_I'm going to get down on my knees. Do you like that?_

_I'm stripping down, but I'm going to take my time. Do you want to watch, or should I just describe how I look?_

_I've never felt so good. Keep filling me up. I can't get enough._

_I can feel your nipples getting hard. I cannot wait to get them between my teeth._

_I can feel myself getting wet. It's dripping down my thighs. Can you feel it too? I'm going to let you taste it on my fingers._

_I'm unlacing my boots, but I'll be a while. You're going to have to_

_wait. You know it's worth it._

And of course, you can utilize dirty talk to let your partner know just how great they are. Almost everyone is turned on by ego stroking, so lay it on thick and do not hold back if you are wild about your lover:

_You are so fine. I just want to taste you and show you off to the world._

_I've never had it so good, and you make me want more and more. I'll never get enough of you._

_I come harder with you than I ever could have imagined. I can't take care of myself the way you do._

_I'd do anything to get more of you. I tell all my friends how lucky I am._

_You taste so good. I crave you all day long._

_Anyone would be lucky to have you. I can barely walk when we're done._

_You're all I think about. I can't get any work done when I think of your naked body and the magic you work with those fingers and lips._

Some folks also find they are most turned on by recalling sexual memories—their sexual highlight reels—so you can also use dirty talk to seduce your lover with reference to the past:

_Remember that time on the beach when . . ._

_I want to go back to that movie theater where we snuck into the back row . . ._

_Last night was so good. I can't stop thinking about the way you . . ._

_Remember when we watched that couple screwing around in the hammock . . ._

Finally, you can use dirty talk in the future tense to seduce your lover via text, on the phone, through love notes, or by sending voice notes throughout the day:

_When I get home, I'm going to throw myself between your legs, and I won't come up until you've gotten everything you could possibly desire._

_Text #1: Want to hang tonight? Text #2: Naked?_

_When you come home, I'll have something waiting for you. And you won't be able to resist._

_Let's skip the party and roll around on the living room floor. I want to taste you._

_I'm going to tie you up and strip for you tonight. I'll make you wait for it, but it will be worth it._

_I can't stop thinking about our bodies intertwined. What time can you meet so I can get my fix?_

If you're new to talking dirty, simply begin with a word or two to let your lover know how you're feeling. _Yesss. Mmm. Ahh. Do not stop._ These simple words go a long way to provide generous but honest feedback. Let out a few moans, groans, and wide-mouthed exhales to indicate your pleasure. Allow the tension to mount gradually and start quietly, allowing your volume to increase with time.

Asking questions to encourage your lover to speak up is another simple approach to dirty talk. _Do you like that? Do you want me to make you come? Do you want me to come for you? Do you want it all over you? Do you want to taste me? Tell me how you like it. What can I do for you? I'll do anything . . ._

You might also find that you are more comfortable with dirty talk if you keep your volume low or your sounds muffled. For example, you might whisper in their ear or place a sheet over your mouth while you try out a few new lines. If you are on the phone, you can stifle your sounds with your hand over the receiver, and if you are video chatting, turn the lights down low and dampen your sounds if you are feeling shy. It can be hot to keep them guessing.

Sometimes you will misspeak, and sometimes the awkwardness will make you giggle, and that's okay. Laughter can help to cut the tension and bring you back to the present moment. Sex need not be serious, so relax and have a good time knowing that if something doesn't work out, you can try again tomorrow or next week.

Remember that one person's dirty talk is another's dinner conversation, so do not assume that what works for you will work for your lover(s).

As with all sex acts, if you want to use dirty talk to seduce your partner, you will need to ask them what they like. What words turn them on? What words are off-putting or upsetting? If your lover has survived (sexual) trauma, they may find certain words, phrases, or tones upsetting, so discuss these sensitivities and revisit this discussion often, as our preferences and comfort zones can change over time.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

If you are still feeling nervous about talking dirty, remember that you don't have to do everything at once. In fact, you can practice your dirty talk in the comfort of your own home, in the car, or while riding your bike to work. Start by selecting three phrases from the lists above or come up with your own. Practice each phrase by repeating it over and over again with different inflections and emphasizing different words in the sentence. For example, the phrase "would you like to get nasty tonight?" can be uttered in a few different ways:

► Would YOU like to get nasty tonight?

► Would you like to get NASTY tonight?

► Would you like to get nasty TONIGHT?

Practice in different tones of voice and at different volumes to help you to find your rhythm. Repeating a phrase over and over again will help it to flow more naturally and will put you at ease when you utter it in the heat of the moment.

Nonverbal Seduction

Flirting is both an art and an evolutionary component that appears across all cultures. We use nonverbal flirtation and seduction to communicate desire in more diverse and nuanced ways. Rather than saying, "I'm interested in dating and/or having sex with you, and I'm wondering if the desire is mutual," we convey our interest with our body language, facial expressions, and hand gestures. These sometimes subtle and sometimes obvious cues allow us to test the waters and add variety to the way we approach potential partners and long-term lovers.

Nonverbal flirtation tends to be more common at the beginning of a relationship, and then it tapers off as we turn to words as our primary means of communication. But while "Are you in the mood?" is a perfectly acceptable approach to seduction, most of us are drawn in by an array of approaches—including playful signals that arouse our interest with an air of mystery.

If you want to flirt with and seduce your lover with your body, consider the following strategies:

► Brush up against them seductively when out in public. Run your hands over their thighs when you kiss goodbye or grab their butt while passing them in the kitchen.

► Smile whenever you make eye contact. You can smile for a moment and then look away, or gaze into their eyes with your lips wide.

► Touch their lower arm seductively with the backs of your fingertips; some theories suggest that the upper arm represents the friend zone and the lower arm is reserved for more intimate partners.

► Use a code word or signal to reference a sexual memory you share.

► Send sexy or flirtatious texts when they are sitting right next to you in a group. Whether you are out for dinner with friends or colleagues, remind them that you are thinking of them and that you are connected more intimately to one another than to anyone else at the table.

► Press up against them from behind whenever you have the chance. If you're reaching for a cup or leaning over to grab the remote, allow your bodies to connect for a few extra seconds.

► Look them up and down to show admiration. Lower your head and look up into their eyes before smiling and looking down.

► Sniff them! Lean in and inhale slowly and enthusiastically so they know you take comfort in their scent and thoroughly enjoy their body.

► Make eye contact at unexpected times. Sit across from one another at a party or gathering and sneak a coy smile as you lower your eyes.

► Turn your body toward them when you greet them. Stop what you are doing, smile, and touch their face or hands to connect.

► When you're waiting for them to get into bed, put down your book or phone and smile when they arrive. Wrap your legs around them to pull them close.


Input:
 The passage discusses the concept of emotional seduction, emphasizing that how a person feels plays a significant role in their response to sexual advances. It explains the importance of understanding and catering to one's partner's emotional needs in order to become an effective seducer.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: How does a person's emotional state affect their response to sexual advances and how can one understand and cater to their partner's emotional needs to become an effective seducer?

A: Emotions play a crucial role in seduction and sexual desire. When approaching a partner, it is essential to consider how they feel and cater to their emotional needs. The way a person feels can significantly impact their response to sexual advances.

Some questions to consider when understanding your partner's emotional needs include:

1. When they feel sexy, do you make them feel desired?
2. When they feel loved, do you make them feel cherished?
3. When they feel stressed, do your actions help them relax?
4. During foreplay, do your words and actions evoke feelings of shyness, playfulness, nervousness, or safety?
5. Does your body language put them at ease and help them destress?

Understanding your partner's emotional needs is essential to becoming a master of seduction. One way to achieve this is by identifying and addressing their core erotic feeling (CEF). A person's CEF is the feeling they require to get in the mood for sex. To identify your partner's CEF, you may need to explore their emotions associated with past sexual experiences and fantasies.

Some possible core erotic feelings include:

1. Happy
2. Powerful
3. Confident
4. Desirable
5. Sexy
6. Loved
7. Safe
8. Honored
9. Relaxed
10. Stressed
11. Challenged
12. Jealous
13. At-risk
14. Empowered
15. Subjugated

Once you have identified your partner's CEF, it is your responsibility to help cultivate this feeling in them. This may involve making lifestyle changes, adjusting communication, and modifying your approach to sex. Remember that your partner plays an essential role in this process, but ultimately, it is up to you to access your CEF and help your partner access theirs.

To further enhance the sexual experience, you may also want to explore your partner's elevated erotic feeling (EEF). An EEF is the feeling that takes sex to the next level, making it more intense in a specific way. For example, if your partner's CEF is feeling loved, and they are in a relationship where this is the norm, their EEF might be experiencing a sense of challenge. When their partner makes them feel loved but also makes them work for it, their excitement heightens.

Your partner's EEF might be entirely different, and it may also vary over time. Open communication and ongoing emotional exploration are essential to understanding and catering to your partner's emotional needs. By identifying and addressing your partner's emotional needs, you can become a more effective seducer and create a more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Response:
CHAPTER

6

EMOTIONAL SEDUCTION AND FOREPLAY

Seduction isn't just about what you say and do. **Ultimately, how your partner responds to you is a matter of how they** **_feel._** And while you cannot control and you are not responsible for their emotions, you likely have a significant influence on how they feel about sex.

► When you approach them, do you make them feel _sexy?_

► When you look at them, do you make them feel _desired?_

► When you touch them, do you make them feel _loved?_

► When you kiss them, do you make them feel _playful?_

► Do your words evoke feelings of _shyness, playfulness, nervousness,_ and/ _or safety?_

► Do your actions lead to feelings of _power, subjugation, love,_ and/ _or relaxation?_

► Does your body language put them at ease and help them to _destress?_

► Does your language help them to feel _confident_ and _empowered?_

► Does your approach make them feel safe being _vulnerable?_

► When you initiate sex, do they feel _surprised_ and _excited_?

► Does spending time together make them _happy?_

The way you feel about sex is highly individual. And the feelings you associate with sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment also vary greatly from person to person.

Some people find that they're in the mood when they feel really relaxed; others, however, have sex in order to relax and find that they want sex when they feel stressed out, as a way to unwind.

Some find that their thoughts turn to sex when they're already in a good mood, and others use sex to boost their mood.

Some folks desire sex when they're feeling confident and powerful, and others find that they are most in the mood when they feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

It follows that if you're going to become a master of seduction, your approach and skills will need to be adjusted according to the emotions you and your partner(s) associate with sex. If you want to meet their sexual needs, you will need to understand their emotional needs as well—in and out of the bedroom. And, of course, you will want them to do the same for you.

One of the most effective ways to better understand, seduce, and entice your partner(s) involves tapping into their **core erotic feeling.** And if you want to teach your partner(s) how to seduce you, you will want to understand your own core erotic feeling too.

**Your core erotic feeling is the feeling you require in order to get in the mood for sex.**

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Self-Inquiry: Core Erotic Feeling

Unfortunately we do not have a surefire gimmick or quiz to identify your core erotic feeling (CEF) with precision, but we encourage you to answer these questions to begin contemplating what your CEF might be:

► Do you need to feel relaxed in order to have sex?

► Do you need to feel loved?

► Do you need to feel honored?

► Do you need to feel happy and joyful?

► Perhaps you need to feel safe, powerful, playful, or stress-free?

► Do you find that you are in the mood when you feel sexy and desired?

► Do you experience sexual desire when you feel comfortable or when you experience a degree of challenge?

► Do you want sex when you are tired or when you are full of energy?

► Does sex seem most appealing when you feel vulnerable? Or does it appeal to you most when you feel powerful?

► How do you want to feel before you have sex?

► What puts you in the mood for sex?

► How do you want to feel during sex?

► How do you tend to feel after sex?

► How do you want to feel after sex?

Think of a recent fantasy. How did you feel? How did others relate to you in the fantasy? How did you relate to them?

Think back to a really hot and memorable sexual experience. What did it entail? What made it so hot? How did you feel during the lead-up to this encounter? How did you feel during and after this experience?

As you explore the emotions associated with past sexual experiences and fantasies, you will likely be able to identify emotional themes. You will probably observe that there is a specific feeling (or two) that you tend to associate with peak erotic experiences. Try to narrow them down to identify the feeling that is _indispensable_ to sex for you—the emotion without which sex simply isn't going to happen.

After considering these questions, how do you most naturally fill in the blank?

_In order to (possibly) have sex, I need to feel_______________._

We've put _possibly_ in parentheses as a reminder that experiencing your core erotic feeling does not guarantee that you will want to have sex or that you will proceed to have sex, but simply that you are more likely to be _open_ to sex. So if you want to be open to sex, you will want to do the things that help to cultivate your core erotic feeling, and if your partner wants to be open to sex, they will want to cultivate theirs too. Ultimately, it's up to you to access your CEF—your partner plays an important role too, but you need to begin with yourself.

NONEXHAUSTIVE LIST OF CEFS:

Happy. Powerful. Confident. Desirable. Sexy. Loved. Safe. Honored. Relaxed. Stressed. Challenged. Jealous. At-risk. Empowered. Subjugated. Playful. Energized. Serene. Excited. Rested. Calm. Vulnerable. Sexy. Comfortable. Nervous. Daring. Inspired. Passionate. Liberated.

How to Cultivate Your Core Erotic Feeling

Once you have identified your CEF, it is _your_ job to make changes and shifts in your lifestyle, communication, and sex life to support this feeling (if you want to).

For example, if your CEF involves feeling _sexy and desirable,_ you need to lay the groundwork to allow yourself to feel this way. Consider . . .

_What daily activities make you feel sexy/desirable?_

_What daily activities detract from this feeling?_

_How do fundamental activities (e.g., sleeping and eating) affect this_

_feeling? Can you make any small adjustments? When do you feel most sexy/desirable?_

_Who are the people that support you in feeling sexy/desirable? What messages do you receive that make you feel sexy/desirable?_

_What messages do you need to address that detract from feeling sexy/desirable?_

_When was the last time you felt sexy/desirable? What were the circumstances and how can you recreate them?_

_How do you hold yourself back from feeling sexy/desirable? What can you change moving forward?_

You can also ask your partner for support and show them how to make you feel sexy and desirable. They shouldn't detract from these positive feelings, but it is also not entirely their responsibility to ensure that you experience them. Some people don't like the language of instruction, but we believe that you have to teach your partner how to make you feel sexy (or another feeling that is important to you).

► Tell them _what_ you want to feel.

► Tell them _why_ you want to feel it.

► Be _specific_ about how they can help you to feel this way.

Real Folks Explain Their Understanding of Their Core Erotic Feeling

I just need to feel **relaxed.** I cannot be thinking about work or kids or family or anything else that stresses me out. So what I've learned is that I have to cut myself off from work a few hours before we go to bed. If I keep checking the emails, I'll still have my head in the work game and sex is never going to happen.

_Donna, 29_

My girlfriends and I have talked about this and so many of us agree that we want to feel **desired** —like the object of desire. If you make me feel sexy, I'll probably want you too. I know you're going to tell me that I have to make myself feel sexy too, and I know you're right, but really the thing that pushes me over the edge enough to actually have sex is when my lover lets me know that they really want me.

_Jas, 31_

I've always had a strong sex drive, but once I've been with a partner for a few months, I tend to lose interest. I think it has to do with being comfortable and knowing that I can have them. I guess I like the chase and that's why the CEF concept makes sense to me. I need to feel some sort of **challenge** in order to really want sex. If there's no risk, I'm just not feeling it.

_Leilani, 30_

As a straight guy, I don't really have the same opportunities to feel hot or **desired** (even saying this sounds cheesy, which reminds me of how gendered our expectations are when it comes to sex). My girlfriend gets it everywhere she goes—she'd probably say it's too much (which I totally get), but for me, no one really tells me that they want me. And with all of my exes, our sex life was really reflective of gender stereotypes, so they expected me to come on to them since I'm the guy. It would always get to the point that I'd be frustrated or bored, because I never got the chance to feel desired, and I was always the one dealing with rejection. The framework of the CEF makes things clearer for me: I want to be wanted, and my girlfriend can make me feel wanted just by looking at me, touching me, complimenting me, and flirting. That's how I want to be seduced. I do the same for her, but in a different way, because she wants to feel challenged. It's actually a good fit, but we still switch it up because I know what it's like to always be the seducer, and I don't want her to get bored.

_Paolo, 27_

I definitely need to feel **relaxed and destressed** —that's key to seducing me. Help me to relax. Help out with some of the tasks around the house. It's not seductive in a sexual way, but it is part of it. When my partner helps with dinner, dishes, or even organizing our finances, I can relax and get in the mood for sex—whether I'm being seduced or doing the seducing.

_Toby, 38_

If you want to really seduce me, you need to make me feel **taken care of.** I do not want to be tasked with responsibilities or feel pressure to perform in any way. I just want to feel like you're willing to take control of the situation so that I can relinquish my need to be in control. It's not that I want to feel dominated. If I had to sum it up in one word, I guess I want to feel catered to.

_Juliana, 40_

I want to feel **confident.** That's it. And I know what makes me feel confident and what erodes my confidence. On my end, I need to hang out with certain people like my older sister and avoid others like my younger sister. I also need to practice yoga, because it helps me feel more grounded and connected to my body. On my lover's end, I just need her to show up for me—when she's really present, I feel more worthy.

_Maxi, 33_

If you want to seduce me, make me feel **important.** Make me a priority and really listen. I don't like talking for the sake of talking, but if she really makes me feel heard, I feel more connected to her. So for me, seduction isn't about how you touch me, but how you interact during the day, at dinner, and in all the interactions leading up to sex.

_Aftan, 35_

I want **attention!** Make me feel like the center of your world, and I'll be eating out of your hands. Look at me. Touch me. Smell me. Talk to me. Talk about me when I'm not around. If you are attentive, I feel sexy and that puts me in the mood for sex.

_Lee, 34_

As you contemplate and explore your CEF, consider Brian and Jasmine's story:

Brian and Jasmine enjoy sex and have a good relationship. They are kind, patient, and laugh often. They both express the desire to have more sex, but they both struggle to initiate sex, and they consider themselves in a _seduction rut._

Brian runs a small company and tends to come home stressed out at the end of the day. He has trouble letting go of work-related stressors, and even though he wants to have sex, he struggles to get in the mood if his workload is heavy. He finds that he has intrusive thoughts, and even though he wants to reach out and touch Jasmine, he is preoccupied with ruminating thoughts about his day or about the next day's tasks. Upon considering the CEF approach to sex and seduction, Brian concludes that what he really needs in order to have sex is to feel _relaxed._

Jasmine also runs a small company, but she doesn't tend to think about work as much when she's away from her desk. She stops responding to emails by 7 p.m. and thinks about sex often. She wants Brian to want her and really show her that he wants her. She gets a lot of attention from other men and women, but she craves sexual attention from Brian. Jasmine has no difficulty expressing that she's most likely to be in the mood for sex when she feels _desired._

Both Brian and Jasmine struggle with seduction. Sometimes she gets frustrated with the fact that Brian is so often distracted by work, and he finds it difficult to explain to her how he's feeling.

Brian: It's not that I'm not attracted to her. I am. My head is just always so full.

Jasmine: I just want him to show me that he wants me—even if we're not planning on having sex.

Brian: I want her. Obviously. She's beautiful, sexy . . . she's everything. I just need to learn to relax more.

Jasmine: He doesn't tell me this. I need to hear it. Otherwise, I think his lack of interest is because of me.

As we discuss the CEF, Brian acknowledges that he needs to make some lifestyle changes in order to be more relaxed—not just for sex, but for his own health. He commits to shutting off his phone an hour early for the next two weeks to try to create a new habit. He also starts using a mindfulness app to practice being more in the moment and eliminating intrusive thoughts.

Though initially resistant, Jasmine knows that her core erotic feeling cannot be solely Brian's responsibility and she cannot personalize what she perceives as his "lack of interest." She has to do what it takes to feel desirable and show him how to make her feel desired too. She admits that she feels more desirable when she gets dressed and does her hair, but since she works from home, she's often in flannel pajamas and doesn't bother to brush her hair most mornings. Though Brian doesn't care what she wears, she realizes that _she_ feels better when she puts a little effort in. Jasmine also reports that she feels more desirable when she masturbates, but she doesn't do it often because she's waiting for Brian to initiate sex.

Jasmine: There's something about how I feel when I'm done touching myself that makes me feel like I can do anything. I feel sexy and irresistible—and that feels powerful. I feel the same way after sex with Brian.

Over the course of one month, Brian and Jasmine implement these small changes: Brian shuts down earlier and uses the app, and Jasmine sets time aside to masturbate and get dressed even when she's working from home.

They also talk specifically about how they want to be seduced, answering the questions in the Seduction Instruction and One Thing I Love About You worksheet, which you will find at the end of this chapter.

The shift for Brian and Jasmine occurs gradually. Though they immediately grasped the CEF concept, it took time to change their thought patterns and behaviors. It wasn't an overnight breakthrough, but over the course of the month, they both reported being more open to sex and also more comfortable initiating sex and seducing one another.

Jasmine: What I really learned is that I can feel desirable and be the initiator or seducer. My sexuality has been so tied to being wanted that I never put myself out there. I've never admitted to my own fear of rejection. I think all these years I've been waiting around for him to seduce me because it made me feel sexy, but I can actually feel just as hot if I'm doing the seducing—sometimes. To be honest, I didn't even know how at first, but he's a very tactile person and all it really takes is touch. He guided me to slow down a bit and not fondle him right away, and all the buildup now is so much hotter. I've learned how to touch him all over and I don't just grab and knead at him like I used to. It's about how he feels, but also about how I physically approach him.

Brian: I really like sex, but I'm not one of those sex-crazed guys that wants it all the time. I have to get myself in the mood—whether I'm doing the seducing or being seduced—so the lifestyle shifts were more important to me. I know I'm a little intense and I think I've trained myself to thrive in tension, but I never realized how much it was holding me back in this relationship. I have to make a conscious effort to be relaxed, and I'm getting better at it. Jasmine helps too. She's also turning off her phone earlier, which reminds me to do the same. And she plays loud music in the living room and dining room now, which somehow distracts me from work and helps me settle into "nonwork Brian."

Elevated Erotic Feeling

Once you've explored your core erotic feeling and you've spent some time making the adjustments to support its cultivation, you may find that your core erotic feeling comes naturally to you—either because you've done the work or because you and your partner are in sync.

Alternatively, you might be one of the few who wants to have sex (almost) regardless of your emotional state, like Harry from Barbados:

_I listened to your theory of the CEF and it really helped me to understand my wife. But I honestly do not think I have one. I want sex all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or energetic, happy or sad, relaxed or stressed out. Sex either enhances an already good mood or improves upon a bad mood instantly. I know it may not always be like this, but it has been this way for forty years._

If you feel you have mastered your CEF or feel that you do not have a CEF because sex is always on the table (like Harry), you may be ready to explore your elevated erotic feeling.

**Your elevated erotic feeling (EEF) is the feeling that takes sex to the next level. It makes it more intense in a specific way—this could be related to physical pleasure, psychological thrill, emotional fulfillment, intimate connection, spiritual experience, or any other benefit you personally derive from sex.**

For example, perhaps you need to feel deeply loved in order to consider having sex—this is your CEF. And perhaps you are in a relationship in which this is your norm. You almost always feel deeply loved, so you do not have to specifically work to evoke your CEF in order to have sex. You may find that sex becomes _possible_ once you feel deeply loved, but sex becomes more alluring and pleasurably overwhelming when you also experience a sense of challenge. When your partner makes you feel loved, but also makes you work for it, your excitement heightens. When they tease you and suggest that they'll withhold sex, your desire skyrockets. When they threaten to withhold their touch, your body responds with both ache and arousal.

This is your EEF in action, and it makes both the possibility and the experience of sex more exciting. In this example, it is the experience of feeling _challenged,_ but your EEF could be entirely different.

You do not have to master your CEF to experience sexual desire, arousal, and pleasure in response to your EEF, but they often go hand in hand.

Unlike your CEF, which may be specific and enduring, you might find that your EEF is more varied. You may have many EEFs. One day you might respond to a sense of challenge, and another, you might be excited by feelings of jealousy. You might want to feel subjugated on Monday and dominant on Wednesday.

Upon consideration of your EEF, you might be concerned that some of the emotions that turn you on and make sex intensely gratifying are subversive or make you feel uncomfortable. They may not align with your personal and/or political values. For example, you might thrive in independence in real life, but have a strong desire to be submissive when it comes to sex. You might have built a mutually respectful relationship, but be turned on by consensual degradation. This is perfectly normal.

Your sexual desires and the feelings you associate with pleasure need not reflect your real-life ideals. The person you want to be on Saturday mornings at your child's soccer game may be different from the person you want to be on Saturday night behind closed doors. You have the right to play multiple roles, and sex can provide the sense of escape required for you to do so.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

To identify your EEF(s), consider the following questions and prompts:

► Try to recall an intensely powerful sexual experience. How did you feel physically before, during, and after the encounter? How did you feel emotionally? Was there a feeling that stood out that you might connect to your pleasure?

► Are there any uncomfortable or surprising feelings that you associate with sexual pleasure or arousal? You might want to explore if any of these feelings are also exciting.

► Do you ever find yourself in the mood for good sex after intense conversations? Can you recall a few of these conversations and identify how you felt? For example, did you feel tense with your partner, which led to a greater desire for a specific type of sex? Or did you feel turned on by conflict and experience a desire to allow the antagonism to seep into the bedroom?

► Are there sexual scenarios, fantasies, or experiences that you find uncomfortable? sometimes latent desire can hide within or overlap with discomfort, and you might be able to explore these scenarios and feelings in fantasy as opposed to reality. We know, for example, that pain can overlap with pleasure and that physical pain and sexual pleasure often go hand in hand. The hormones (including endorphins) released during experiences of pain are the same hormones that surge during sexual pleasure and that promote bonding between lovers. Pain-related adrenaline and dopamine release can create a natural high that allows you to experience pain in different ways, and spikes in serotonin, melatonin, and epinephrine levels are believed to produce a jolt of pleasure. Similarly, emotions that can be uncomfortable can also produce excitement, hypervigilance (sensory and otherwise), and arousal, so it follows that uncomfortable feelings can (for some people) spark erotic feelings and desires.

Our anecdotal observations suggest that it may be common for your CEF to be rooted in comfort and your EEF(s) to be tied to feelings of discomfort. For example, you might identify feeling safe as your CEF, but really find the feeling of risk intensely exciting. You might also find that any variance from your typical relationship roles can be subverted for pleasure via an EEF; perhaps you make all the decisions in your household, so you are really excited to see your partner as a dominant in the bedroom.

This, of course, is not always the case. Feelings of love, safety, and relaxation can also elevate your erotic experience, so you will need to be honest with yourself and communicate your insights to your partner.

LOVERS' INQUIRIES

Now that you understand the roles your emotions play in sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, and fulfillment, you likely have more specific ideas with regard to how you and your partner want to be seduced. But as with all sexual exploration and communication, understanding emotional seduction is not a one-shot deal. Your desires and boundaries will change over time, so you will need to keep the conversations flowing freely and encourage your partner to do the same.

Complete the worksheet and use it to start a conversation with your partner about emotional seduction.

Lovers' Inquiry: One Thing I Love About You

► One thing I love about your body . . .

► One thing I love about your voice . . .

► One thing I love about your energy/aura . . .

► One thing I love about your touch . . .

► One thing I love about your personality . . .

► One thing I love about your character . . .

► One thing I love about how you interact with others . . .

► One thing I love about how you treat me . . .

► One thing I love about your . . .

Lovers' Inquiry: Emotional Seduction

Complete this worksheet on your own, and feel free to add to and edit each statement to reflect your interpretations and lived reality. When you are done, feel free to share it and discuss your answers with your lover(s).

When I feel _______________, I may want you to seduce me by _______________________________________.

When I feel _______________, I may want to seduce you by _____________________________________.

When I feel ____________, I'm probably not open to being seduced. An exception might involve _________________.

When I feel ____________, I'm more likely to be in the mood for these types of sex: _____________________.

When I feel ____________, my thoughts tend to turn to sex.

When I'm feeling tired, I want you to _______________.

When I'm feeling sad, I want you to _________________.

You can support me when I'm feeling sad by _________________.

When I'm happy, I feel _________________about sex and I want you to _________________.

When I'm stressed out, you can help me by _________________.

I'd prefer that you do not _________________.

You will know I'm feeling confident when _________________.

You will know I'm feeling insecure when _________________.

You can support me when I feel insecure by ______. I'd prefer if you don't ______.

A feeling I struggle with is _________________.

When I feel this way, you can support me by _________________. It may not be helpful if you _________________.


Input:
  The passage discusses various strategies to boost confidence, particularly in the context of seduction and relationships. It highlights the importance of confidence in attracting partners and enhancing sexual experiences.

Here is a possible prompt that could generate the above passage:

Q: What are some effective strategies to boost confidence, especially in the context of seduction and relationships, and why is confidence important in attracting partners and enhancing sexual experiences?

A: Confidence is a highly attractive trait that can significantly impact your success in relationships and seduction. Science confirms that individuals who exude confidence are more likely to attract partners and experience fulfilling sexual relationships. Developing and maintaining confidence, however, is not a one-size-fits-all process. Here are some strategies that may help you build and convey confidence:

1. Absorb compliments: Pay attention to positive feedback and repeat it to yourself as a reminder of your worth. Keep a compliment journal or add a section in your regular journal to document compliments.
2. Get to know and appreciate your body: Cultivate a positive body image by focusing on the physical, utilitarian, and erotic value of your body. Engage in physical activities that challenge your body and promote feelings of accomplishment and self-worth.
3. Surround yourself with positive and confident friends, family, and peers: Confidence and positive attitudes can be contagious. Spend time with people who uplift you and avoid commiserating about weight loss or gain.
4. Practice gratitude: Expressing gratitude not only improves your well-being but also strengthens your relationships. Identify something you are grateful for in your relationships and articulate your appreciation to the other person.
5. Masturbate: Gain sexual experience and learn about your body's responses through masturbation. This can help you feel more comfortable and confident during partnered sexual activities.
6. Accept that you have a lot to learn: Understand that no one is a natural-born lover and that every new lover presents a unique opportunity to learn and grow as a masterful lover.
7. Laugh: Maintaining a sense of humor can relieve pressure during seduction and boost your confidence in bed.
8. Ask for positive feedback: Encourage your lover(s) to provide positive reinforcement during sexual activities. Open communication can lead to improved sexual experiences for both parties.
9. Turn yourself on first: Arousal can lower inhibitions and increase your confidence during seduction. Engage in fantasies, touch yourself, or use a toy to become aroused before initiating sexual activities.

Confidence is crucial in the realm of seduction and relationships because it allows you to genuinely connect with others, be more present during sexual experiences, and feel worthy of love and pleasure. By implementing the strategies mentioned above, you can boost your confidence, enhance your relationships, and create more fulfilling sexual experiences.

Response:
CHAPTER

7

HOW TO SEDUCE WITH CONFIDENCE

Science confirms what almost everyone knows: confidence is sexy. Folks of all genders are drawn to lovers who are comfortable in their skin, but there is no universal path to develop and convey confidence. Some people draw confidence from the company they keep, and others bolster their self-esteem by cultivating skills in the professional and/or personal realms. For some people, confidence is strongly tied to their physical health, while others derive confidence from emotional and cognitive strength. It's up to you to determine how you can be more confident—not just for the relational and sexual benefits, but because you deserve to love yourself!

Confidence, however, is not a permanent state. You can be confident at 8 a.m. and feel insecure by lunch. And that's okay, because confidence can be developed and reinforced via habit. Researchers believe that our brains can be trained to be more confident via synaptic connections. Our brains are comprised of neurons that communicate with one another via synapses, and each time we practice or experience confidence, our synaptic connections may be altered. The theory suggests that when we think confidently, our brains become accustomed to experiencing confidence. When we think positively about ourselves, we engage the circuits involved in pleasure and reward, and it elevates our mood as well as the moods of those around us. They respond to our positivity and confidence, and their response (e.g., kindness, compliments, attention) provides an external source to reinforce confidence. So when we think positively about ourselves, we're training our brain to experience confidence as a habit both internally and via external response sources.

Like all good things, boosting your confidence pays off both in and out of the bedroom. Confidence makes you more likable, positive, influential, and better prepared to manage stress and reduce anxiety. Confident people are also rated as more attractive and successful, but more importantly, confidence is tied to your overall well-being. Research suggests that confidence is positively correlated with higher health measures and longer lives, as it is also tied to happiness and positive emotions (e.g., joy, enthusiasm, gratitude) that support mental and physical health.7

If you are ready to invest in your confidence to reap the rewards that extend far beyond the sexual realm, consider some of the strategies below to get started today. You do not have to embrace each approach (they will not all be a perfect fit for your current situation/lifestyle), but try to commit to one that feels manageable and get started right away.

#1. Absorb compliments

Pay attention to the nice things people say about you and repeat them to yourself as soon as you hear them. We tend to focus on negative feedback, but if you keep track of all the positive affirmations and compliments you receive, you will find that they far outnumber the negative.

Some of our clients opt to keep compliment journals or add a section in their regular journal to keep track of compliments.

You can reread these sections at the end of the month or flip through them when you are having a rough day as a reminder of just how great you really are.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

At the end of the day, when you are brushing your teeth, look in the mirror and repeat a compliment you received today or earlier in the week. You may not be mindful of all the compliments you receive (online, at work, in public, at home) and you may even ignore these positive affirmations without realizing it, so make a mental note to pay more attention in the days ahead. And you do not have to wait, because we have one for you now: You rock. You deserve pleasure, passion, and love!

#2. Get to know and appreciate your body

The way you feel about your body is tied to general self-worth, sexual self-esteem, sexual functioning, and sexual pleasure. When you are comfortable in your skin, you are more likely to have a fulfilling sex life, as positive body image is linked to positive sexual functioning. If, however, you are unhappy with your body, intrusive negative thoughts can impede sexual response and orgasm. It makes sense that you will be less likely to lose yourself in the bliss of orgasm if you are too busy worrying about stretch marks or criticizing the shape of your tummy.

Oftentimes, we confuse body _image_ with body _appearance,_ so it's important to remember that _how you feel about your body_ is what matters most. It doesn't matter what your body looks like as long as you are comfortable in your skin and feel worthy of love and pleasure. This doesn't mean that you have to idealize every square inch of your body at every moment to embrace positive or neutral body image, but learning to appreciate your body—for its physical, utilitarian, and erotic value—can counteract feelings of unworthiness and lead to greater overall confidence.

To shift the way you see your body, try one new physical act that allows your body to move and perform. You might dance in the dark to your favorite song, or you might allow yourself to get lost in an evening of self-pleasure. Alternatively, you could perform one sun salutation right now and take note of how your muscles feel after just one round. Other options include going for a short walk (get off the bus two stops early or park two blocks away from work) or taking the stairs instead of the elevator to appreciate the fact that you can challenge your body in new ways. Incremental changes to your physical routine can have a significant impact on body image within weeks of implementing the new habit.

You may also want to look at how you can make movement a part of your regular routine via a new exercise regimen. Physical activity isn't only tied to body image in terms of the impact it can have on your overall health and energy levels. More importantly, when you move, your body releases feel-good chemicals that elevate your mood, reduce stress, and can even improve cognitive functioning (e.g., memory). Even short-term exercise can positively affect how you feel about your body, and research suggests that just six workout sessions can lead to feeling healthier and more satisfied with your body (even in the absence of any visual changes to your body).

And finally, if you want to feel better about your body, you might want to consider being more mindful of the images you consume. Your digital diet can positively or adversely affect your body image and self-esteem, depending on the types of content you consume. For example, if you follow and engage with accounts that celebrate diet culture and emphasize that your self-worth should be tied to your size, shape, and weight, it follows that you will (subconsciously or consciously) tie your sense of self to these same attributes. Similarly, if the accounts you follow depict beauty as exclusively thin, white, cisgender, heteronormative, and able-bodied and you do not fit into these narrow prescriptions, you may struggle to admire your own beauty. If, on the other hand, you make a conscious decision to follow accounts and brands that celebrate beauty and sexuality from more diverse perspectives, you will likely find that you come to appreciate and honor bodies of all types—including your own.

You can praise and honor your body in its current state _and_ desire to improve or change it based on your own personal standards. This means that you can appreciate your body and still have specific goals that relate to your body. For example, you might appreciate your strength, but want to increase the weight you can bench-press or the number of pull-ups you can master. You might be comfortable with your shape and enjoy the process of working out, and also want to see more definition. And you can be comfortable in your own skin and opt to style your hair or apply makeup to enhance your look.

However you approach positive body image, be kind to yourself and practice compassion—the way you would with a best friend, sibling, or child. You don't have to love everything about your body every single day, but bear in mind that being grateful for and respectful of your body will make you a better lover by helping you to feel better about yourself when it comes to love, sex, seduction, and relationships.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Go out of your way to adjust your digital diet today. Unfollow accounts that do not inspire you to like yourself as well as those that suggest you need to change your body to conform to an arbitrary cultural standard. Actively seek to follow accounts that celebrate you or inspire you to be your best self.

#3. Surround yourself with positive and confident friends, family, and peers

Much like happiness, science suggests that attitudes toward relationships, sex, and our bodies may be contagious. Research reveals that our own body image and emphasis on weight loss is linked to our perception of how our friends feel about their bodies.8 So avoid commiserating with friends about weight lost or gained, and hang out with people who do not make their appearance a central focus. Other research suggests that confidence, kindness, and compassion can be contagious too, so make a conscious effort to spend time with folks who are kind to themselves and to others. Confidence may be sexy, but kindness is another key to lasting relationships and sexual attraction.

Research reveals that kindness is linked with higher ratings of physical and facial attractiveness, and a recent study found that those who are more altruistic have more sex and receive more attention.9 These findings were more pronounced for altruistic men, who also reported a greater number of sexual partners and higher rates of casual sex. You may not associate kindness with sexual attraction and frequency, but it makes sense that what we value in a sexual partner reflects the qualities we seek in a life partner.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

The next time a friend or coworker starts complaining about or criticizing their body, consider speaking up. Most people love compliments, so complimenting them on something you like about them, while acknowledging what they're saying, can be helpful. For instance, if a friend says, "I hate the size of my butt," you could say "I know you hate the size of your butt, but I think it's a great size and I find it to be proportionate to your body." You're not saying that they are wrong, but you are reminding them that there are people who view them as beautiful and you are one of those people. Spark the idea that they are beautiful, and over time, they may embrace it too.

If you're not comfortable speaking up with compliments, you can also change the topic. You are not required to engage in any conversation, and you may want to consider whom you surround yourself with, as your friends' body image affects your own.

And if they often complain about their body (or criticize other people's bodies), you might remind them that you aren't interested in body shaming, because there are so many other interesting topics with which to engage.

Breaking the cycle of negative body talk is subversive but powerful. As you disengage from speaking negatively about your body, you will also begin to think less negatively about your body, which creates more openings for viewing your body in a positive light.

#4. Practice gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful feeling that is linked with a host of health, relational, personal, and even professional/financial benefits. When you take notice of the people, experiences, and things for which you are grateful (external sources), it creates a habit of positive affirmations that will apply internally as well. The practice of gratitude is linked with improved health, greater happiness, higher self-esteem, lower rates of anxiety and depression, pain relief, and improved sleep.

You may opt to practice gratitude on your own (e.g., start a gratitude journal) or you may go out of your way to express gratitude in your relationships to address the gratitude gap—you feel thankful but you do not say it. Sometimes you don't express gratitude because saying it might suggest that you _need_ help—and make you feel vulnerable. Sometimes you avoid saying _thank you_ because you do not feel worthy. Sometimes you avoid expressions of gratitude because you subconsciously worry that you're not reciprocating and do not want to call attention to your own deficits.

But _expressing_ appreciation is just as important as _experiencing_ it in relationships. And the benefits are layered—they get a boost in self-esteem from receiving the compliment/thanks, and you reap a similar reward in terms of heightened confidence. You also feel more connected to one another when you express gratitude, which may make you more comfortable with sex and seduction.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Identify something for which you are grateful in your relationship (with a lover or a friend) that you have yet to express in words. Commit to articulating your appreciation via text, email, or in person at the next available opportunity. If you won't see them for a few days (or weeks), put it in your calendar with an alarm so you will not forget.

#5. Masturbate!

Experience breeds confidence, and what better way to gain sexual experience than to have sex with yourself? When you masturbate, you learn about your own body's responses and become more comfortable with the sounds, smells, movements, and reactions that are unique to your body. You also learn to associate these natural responses with pleasure, which can put you at ease when you eventually play with a partner. Moreover, when your body performs for you in any way—whether through exercise, movement, or sexual pleasure—you tend to feel more connected and at ease in your own skin.

The stigma around masturbation, however, continues to exist, so many of us rush through masturbation as a means to an end instead of enjoying the process. Consider slowing down, experimenting with new techniques, and changing positions during solo sex, and you will likely learn to appreciate it as an experience as opposed to a performance. This can elevate sexual confidence by reducing performance pressure—when alone or with sexual partners. (Learn more in the upcoming section on mindful masturbation.)

#6. Accept that you have a lot to learn

We all do!

Nothing holds us back sexually more than the erroneous belief that we are natural-born lovers, as this simply is not the case. Since each person has a unique set of wants, needs, and limitations, which shift and evolve over time, every new lover and encounter presents a fresh course in seduction, affection, and pleasure.

If you sometimes wonder what to do to entice your lover, you are perfectly normal, so do not be discouraged. As sexologists, we have spent years studying sex and we have barely scratched the surface. You're in good company. Accepting that there is no such thing as a sexual mind reader can help to boost your sexual self-esteem and serve as a reminder that the only way to masterfully seduce a partner involves embracing the role of the lifelong learner. If you've made it this far and you are still reading, you are well on your way to continuing to grow and evolve as a masterful lover.

#7. Laugh!

The most confident among us can laugh at ourselves, and when it comes to sex and relationships, a sense of humor may be almost as important as communication itself. This may be why humor is rated as a sought-after trait among all genders. Oftentimes, dating, seduction, and sex do not go as planned, and though they can be serious topics, looking on the lighter side can help relieve the pressure and boost your confidence in bed.

In fact, if you are going to try something new (e.g., seduction that involves role-play), laughter can lower stress levels and give you the confidence boost you need to push through the initial awkwardness. Experts theorize that laughter in humans may have developed as an evolutionary mechanism to assuage anxiety and convey to others that our intentions are harmless.

When it comes to sex, laughter can promote relaxation, which has the potential to improve sexual response (e.g., circulation, erection, and orgasm).

#8. Ask for positive feedback

Sexual communication styles vary, and some lovers will ply you with compliments while others will just lie back and relish silently in the fruits of your labor. If you are not getting the praise you need and deserve, tell your lover(s) to step it up and sing your praises! We all need positive reinforcement—especially when it comes to sex—so make sure you are effusive in your audial response too. One of the best ways to get what you want is to give more of it first.

Consider these lines to encourage them to give you feedback during sex:

_Do you like this?_

_How does that feel?_

_Tell me you like it . . ._

_Make some noise if you want more._

_Tell me how good it feels._

_You love it, don't you?_

Also talk to you lover(s) outside the bedroom so that you both understand the mutual benefits of positive feedback.

_When we're having sex, it feels good when you say . . ._

_I like to hear the sounds you make, so please don't hold back._

_When I hear you groan, it makes me feel . . ._

#9. Turn yourself on first

When you are aroused, your inhibitions and aversion to risk tend to plummet.10 Arousal not only overrides feelings of disgust, but if your nervousness or lack of confidence is derived from the fear of taking a risk or being rejected, getting turned on can attenuate these feelings.

In one study of 90 university students, researchers found that reluctance to engage in uncomfortable activities is reduced when subjects are sexually aroused.11 Participants were divided into three groups, and each watched a different film: women-centered erotica, extreme sports, or a generic clip of a train. They were then asked to complete a set of tasks ranging from wiping their hands with a dirty tissue to drinking juice with a bug inside, as well as sexual tasks like lubricating a vibrator. The group who watched the erotic film (the aroused group) was most willing to comply and reported the lowest levels of resistance to the unpleasant tasks.

Obviously, we're not suggesting that sexual seduction is unpleasant, but oftentimes we avoid it because we feel uncomfortable and want to safeguard ourselves against the potential of rejection. One potential way to assuage these concerns involves fantasizing, touching yourself, or using a toy to get yourself aroused _before_ you engage in sexual seduction. It may seem counterintuitive to get turned on _before_ sex (we often see sex as the means to becoming aroused), but it is not uncommon for arousal to lead to desire, as opposed to desire spawning arousal.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Confidence-Building Activity

Self-awareness can help you to build confidence around sex and seduction. For example, if you tend to overanalyze things, it's likely that you are aware of this because someone has told you about it (or many people have mentioned it). Recognizing a potential flaw in yourself can help you to identify and capitalize on its upsides. With any habit or trait, there is almost always a balance between its benefits and drawbacks, and we can use this balance to become better partners, lovers, and human beings.

Write Down Your Flaws, Affirmation-Style

Positive affirmations are short statements you say to yourself in the present tense in order to verbalize your hopes and intentions. You can say them out loud or write them down to reinforce them and to increase your belief in their manifestation. Oftentimes, we get caught up in negative self-talk and it becomes our norm. If this is your experience, you may struggle with this exercise, but be mindful of the fact that being uncomfortable is often a positive sign, as growth occurs in discomfort.

1\. To begin, write down three things about yourself that you perceive as negative. Write in the present tense beginning with I . . . or I am . . .

For example:

► I always worry about the worst-case scenario.

► I am always comparing myself to other people.

► I am too quiet during sex.

2\. Next, identify the positive elements of your negative perceptions.

No personality trait or habit is one-dimensional—therefore it cannot be entirely positive or entirely negative. For example, being extremely friendly may be perceived as positive, but a friendly person may also struggle to set and recognize boundaries, they may reveal too much, or they may expect others to be equally outgoing, resulting in letdown and judgment. Similarly, there are benefits associated with always worrying about the worst-case scenario. For example, you might be better prepared, plan more effectively, and be cognizant of multiple outcomes or consequences; you might also be more mindful and appreciative of the present knowing that things could be worse. Likewise, if you always compare yourself to other people, you may be more likely to learn from them, draw inspiration from their experiences, and operate from a place of humility and respect; you may also learn to appreciate your own circumstances if you compare yourself to those who may not be as fortunate as you. If you believe you are too quiet during sex, you may also notice that the sounds that you do make are authentic and not performative; you may find that you are present and thoroughly enjoying the experience without the need to perform.

Consider your original statements and identify the upside of your perceived negative traits to rewrite the affirmations in present tense.

For example:

► I'm always prepared for anything that could happen.

► I'm able to observe many different kinds of beauty in the world.

► I feel present and in my body during sex.

Reconsidering your perceived negatives as positives does not mean that you must embrace every part of yourself or defy opportunities for growth. If you perceive a trait or behavior as negative, in addition to considering the upside, identify ways in which you can change and improve. We are all imperfect and we can always improve.

3\. If you would like to change a perceived negative trait, make an effort to recognize and name its opposite, so that you can strive to achieve or embody it.

For example, the opposite of "I always worry about the worst-case scenario," might be "I am hopeful in every experience that I have," or "I trust that everything is fine." It can be helpful to first identify the antonym of the key word in the original (negative) statement (e.g., hopeful and/or trust replace worry).

The opposite of the original statements might read:

► I trust that everything is fine.

► I accept myself, and I'm happy with who I am.

► I love to talk during sex and give great feedback.

As you identify the positives and recognize the opposite of your perceived flaws, make an effort to counter the negatives with multiple positives. Research suggests that in relationships, five positive interactions for every negative interaction create enough positive balance to foster fulfilling connections; apply this five-to-one ratio to your positive-to-negative thoughts as well. Do not stop at one positive affirmation, but pile them on to reap their benefits.

4\. Once you have acknowledged your positive affirmations, say them out loud to strengthen your belief in yourself. Repeat your positive affirmations three times in front of the mirror right now.

How do you feel when you say each statement? Really evaluate your feelings to see how your body responds when you say them.

Do they sound believable to you? Why or why not? If they don't sound believable to you, that's perfectly okay. The idea of the exercise is to get your brain trained and on the right track to achieve your confidence goals. Not only are these aspirations, but they are also manifestations, and soon you will see the change that you've wanted all along!

Do you think this could be a part of how you can transform your thoughts? Why or why not? As noted in quantum physics, we can easily change the structure of something based on our thoughts, so the energy that you give to your sexual confidence is sure to help you act and behave in the future according to those transformational thoughts.

We understand that talking to yourself in front of the mirror can feel awkward, but over time, not only will the exercise flow more naturally, but your affirmations will become more believable and real.

Boosting Your Confidence

To further bolster your confidence, write down nine additional positive affirmations in the present tense. These may be qualities or behaviors you currently embody or those you wish to embrace in the future. Read through a few of ours for inspiration:

I am kind and loving.

I am open to learning.

I treat all people with respect and go out of my way to make others feel seen and important.

I smile at strangers and I see that it brightens their day.

I do important work in my community.

I am very funny.

I have made a real and meaningful impact through my work.

I bring positive energy into almost every room.

I take good care of my family.

These nine affirmations, in addition to the six above (the upsides and the opposites), bring your total affirmations to fifteen; fifteen positive affirmations amounts to five times the original (negative) affirmations you started with just a few minutes ago. This is a great start, as you have achieved your five-to-one positive-to-negative ratio already.

But your work is not done. We want you to continue to add to this list by identifying five positive traits or attributes specifically related to sex (and/or relationships). These positive affirmations may be current beliefs or desired beliefs that you want to manifest. These are a few of our own:

I indulge my lover's fantasies with a very open mind.

I am often open to sex.

I love going down on my lover, and I consider myself skilled and willing to learn.

I feel great about my body; it brings me so much pleasure.

I am almost always willing to try something new. I initiate sex and make it a priority.

Repeat your own affirmations twice a day. If this seems like too much, record them on your phone and listen to them while you brush your teeth, walk your dog, or travel to work. You might even sing them to a tune in your head (if you are delightfully gifted). Train your brain to hear and believe them. If it feels uncomfortable, it's likely because you are growing.

If you are nervous or uncomfortable with seduction or find yourself in a rut in terms of trying new approaches, it's likely related to your overall and sexual confidence and a fear of rejection. But if you invest in your confidence, you will find that your sense of (sexual) self improves, and you will learn to see rejection as a natural part of life. If you swing and miss once, you have two more strikes before you strike out, and if you strike out, you always have another at-bat. Confidence carries you through to your next opportunity at the plate. Even the professionals do not bat at 100 percent, and the best in league cannot consistently maintain a .500 average, but their confidence ensures that they show up again at the next at-bat, the next game, and the subsequent season.

So go easy on yourself and know that the more you believe in yourself, the better you will be in bed.

SEDUCTION INSTRUCTION

Be your own superhero! One of the best ways to transform your inner confidence involves beginning with your outer self. The way you stand, pose, and move affects how you see yourself and how others perceive you, so strike a superhero-inspired power pose right now and see how it makes you feel in your mind and body. Choose any superhero you admire—from Superman to Storm—and emulate their body language in front of the mirror. How do you interpret their pose and confidence? Are your hands on your hips? Are your shoulders back? Are you standing straight up with your neck long and your head up? How does being in this position make you feel? Start your day with a fifteen-second pose for one week and see how it affects your self-image and mood throughout the day. Jot a few notes in your journal to track whether or not (and how) this exercise works for you.