Input: Write a chapter for a book about anal sex that focuses on anal penetration. Discuss the common misconceptions and mistakes people make when it comes to anal penetration, emphasizing the importance of taking your time and being patient. Provide tips for both giver and receiver on communication, relaxation, warm-up, and positions. Offer guidance on how to gradually progress from penetration with fingers and small toys to larger toys or a penis. Address any safety concerns and provide guidance on how to practice safer sex during anal penetration, including the use of barriers and the risks associated with STDs and other infections. Include quotes and personal experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter.

Response:
CHAPTER 11

Anal Penetration

Beginning Penetration

Ready? Anal penetration is a huge subject, covering everything from penetration with fingers and small toys to a penis or strap-on dildo. Included here you'll find tips for both giver and receiver on communication, relaxation, warm-up, and positions, as well as techniques for strap-on sex and double penetration.

Make sure you have all the tools you want nearby—your favorite condoms, gloves, lube, toys, and baby wipes—so you don't have to go searching for them in the middle of a passionate moment. Review my recommendations about hygiene (chapter 4) and enemas (chapter 5), so your butt is prepared.

Take Your Time

The most common mistake people make—and the number one reason that the receptive partner ends up in pain—is that they rush penetration. In a typical straight adult video, a guy with an erection simply bends a woman over and sticks his dick in her ass. People try the same thing at home with painful, sometimes disastrous results. In reality, on a porn set, women warm up with plenty of lube, fingers, and toys; the problem is that this foreplay ends up on the cutting room floor or never gets filmed in the first place. No one can go from zero to sixty in five seconds flat, not even the professionals.

> > He's moving in her, light and
>  quick, working her ass so sweetly
>  she wants to scream. She's going
>  to come. She stays there a while,
>  riding the knowledge, her clit full
>  and her cunt dripping and her ass
>  on fire. It's so dark with the
>  blindfold, and all she can think
>  about is how good it will be when
>  she comes, how good it will feel,
>  how it doesn't matter about her
>  ass being sore, how nothing
>  matters but this come.

> > —ROSE WHITE AND ERIC ALBERT—

If you've never done any anal play before and your goal is to have intercourse with a cock or strap-on dildo, or be penetrated by a large toy, it's not going to happen in one night. Anal penetration should be a slow, gradual process. Patience is crucial. Everyone must go at their own pace for anal sex to work. When both partners are patient, it's much easier to relax, especially for the receptive partner.

Because anal sex takes time, it's not a choice activity for a night when you just want a quickie, or someone has somewhere to be. If you are nervous, anxious, or stressed out about anal sex, sex in general, or the presentation you're giving tomorrow at work, anal sex should not be on the agenda. The more time you take in beginning, the more you'll benefit in the end.

Communicate

During a demonstration in one of my Anal Sex 101 classes, I was going to show some techniques on a woman I'd never played with before. We agreed that I would put a few fingers in her, then an acrylic butt plug. I asked her about what she liked and disliked, and if there was anything I should know before I put the plug in her ass. She responded, "Well, yeah. I want you to slide the plug in until you get to the widest part, then stop and let me get used to it. Tell me just before you're going to put it in further. Then, slide it all the way in. Once it's in, I will hate it and want you to take it completely out. Take it out, wait a minute, then you can slide it all the way back in." I asked her why she hated it, and she explained that the first time a plug fully penetrates her ass, the feeling is too overwhelming, and she needs it to stop immediately. But once she recovers from that, it can go back in and feel great. I loved how specific she was. I told her we'd follow her plan to the letter, but when the plug was all the way in the first time, I wanted her to say out loud, "I hate it!" which would be my signal to take it out.

She got on her hands and knees on a massage table. After warming up her ass with my fingers, I placed the plug at her anal opening and pressed slightly on the base to begin penetration, then I instructed her to push herself onto it. I told her to stop when she got to the widest part. We both took a deep breath.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Ready," she said. I continued my pressure on the base until it was at the widest part, then I stopped. When she said she was ready, I told her I was going to put the rest of the plug in her ass. I pushed gently on the toy and watched as it disappeared into her ass, until her sphincter muscles closed around the narrowest part just above the base.

"I hate it!" she screamed, and the audience laughed as I slid the entire plug back out. I squeezed some more lube onto the tip of the plug, and rubbed it around to distribute the clear gel. Then I proceeded to slide the plug back into her. As I got about halfway in, she said, "Wait, what are you doing now?"

"I'm putting it back in like you told me to."

"Oh, I was wrong. Give me a minute." The audience laughed again. I did too, because she was so adorable! We agreed that I'd play with her clit some more and just tease her opening with the toy . When she was ready , she told me, and I put the toy all the way in her ass. She moaned and said, "Yeah, that feels really good."

This is a good example of active communication and negotiation. As you begin anal exploration, tell each other how you're feeling, give and take instructions, communicate about what you need and want. Remember too that what you think your partner needs may change in the middle of it, so be prepared to be flexible.

Tips for the Receiver

Find a comfortable position. If you are a first timer, you may find that lying on your back works best since you can make eye contact with your partner, communicate face-to-face, and have your genitals easily accessible for stimulation. You may want to put a pillow under your butt to angle it for easier entry. Each person's body is unique, and what is a comfortable position for one may be uncomfortable for another. There's no rule about the greatest position for beginners, so explore to find what works for you and your partner. There will be a more in-depth discussion of positions later in this chapter.

RELAX

Relax, relax, relax. Take a deep breath. And another. Relaxation is so important to having pleasurable anal sex. With the hectic pace of our lives, it is one of the hardest states to achieve. Because the ass can be a place where we store much of our stress and tension, we need to give our bodies plenty of time to release that tension before venturing into anal pleasure. I find that doing about fifteen minutes of deep breathing helps my body to unwind, and the breathing actually gets me in touch with how my entire body is feeling. A warm bath, candles, and a sensuous massage are also great relaxers. We must also relax our minds, and some people like to meditate or do some positive visualization to calm and prepare themselves for anal penetration. Ultimately, our bodies and minds are linked, and we have the power to relax or to tense up.

Relaxation is also critical because anal penetration may feel strange at first. Some level of discomfort is common, especially for anal sex beginners. Our asses are used to pushing things out, not taking them in, so penetration is a new experience for them. Many people tell me they have the urge to have a bowel movement during anal sex; if that's the case for you, I recommend you stop and go to the bathroom. You may, in fact, have to go. But (since you already had a bowel movement to prepare) it's more likely that your body is just a little confused. Because the rectum is used to expelling things, when it feels something inside, it sends a signal to the brain to shit it out, which is what it normally does. The next time you feel like you have to have a bowel movement, I recommend you take several deep breaths, relax, and let your ass get used to whatever is inside it. Make sure that the finger or sex toy inside you stays put and doesn't make any sudden movements. Chances are after you relax, that initial feeling will subside, and you can progress to anal pleasure. Remember too that the more you practice anal penetration, the more your ass will get used to having things inside it, and will respond with less confusion and more pleasure.

When your partner first penetrates you, focus on relaxing the sphincter muscles. You may also want to bear down or push out to make penetration easier. It sounds like the opposite of what you're trying to achieve, but bearing down often helps the muscles to relax.

TAKE THE LEAD

Talk to your partner before, during, and after about what turns you on, the sensations you experience, what you'd like more of, and how everything feels. The more information you can give your partner, the better equipped he or she will be to please you.

You set the pace and control the action. I know it may seem like a contradiction—I'm getting nailed in the ass, and I'm the one in the driver's seat?—but you are the one calling the shots. You need to be well aware of your body, and specifically of your anal sphincters, because you have the ability to relax them. Listen to your body; if you feel any pain, you absolutely need to stop. Don't fool yourself that the pain will subside or pressure yourself to continue even when it no longer feels good. Anal sex does not have to be painful at all. I realize that there is a fine line sometimes between pain and discomfort, and each person is different. You need to judge for yourself where that line is. Give your partner plenty of feedback; tell him or her how slow or fast, how deep or shallow; if you want less or when you're ready for more. You must also be prepared to tell your partner to slow down, change activities, or stop altogether.

Tips for the Giver

TURN YOUR PARTNER ON

Start out with some fun, stress-free foreplay. One of the keys when trying something new is not to forget the tried and true techniques that are already working. Before you even go near your partner's ass, get him or her revved up in the usual ways—get things started with that favorite oral technique, position, sex toy, et cetera. Kiss her on that favorite spot of hers. Stroke that place you know will drive him wild. The more relaxed and turned on your partner is, the easier anal penetration will be. As you begin experimenting with anal stimulation and penetration, keep other kinds of stimulation going, whether it's hitting her G-spot, licking his perineum, or using a trusty vibrator.

> > As his mouth and tongue
>  lapped at my tight, defensive
>  buttyhole, the muscles
>  gradually relaxed. By the time
>  he gently pushed the head of
>  his big oiled dick against my
>  rosebud, I was so open and
>  turned on that he eased inside
>  with a minimum of discomfort.
>  Then he slowly fucked me
>  doggie style as I played with
>  my clit. The orgasm was
>  unforgettable.

> > —BETTY DODSON—

LISTEN AND TALK TO YOUR PARTNER It's important that you focus on your partner as you're giving him or her anal pleasure. The receiver should feel comfortable to talk as much as he or she wants during the experience. Ask her how she feels; ask him what he wants. You should also listen to your partner's body. Feel how the sphincter muscles contract around your finger and respond to your touch. Observe the level of tightness and openness of the anus in addition to the rest of the body's response to anal stimulation. What verbal and nonverbal cues is she giving you? How is his breathing pattern? What kinds of sounds is she making? Tell your partner what you're doing, especially each time you are about to move on to something new. Also tell her or him what you're feeling, what's turning you on; it will enhance the communication and pleasure between you. Ask specific questions like: How does this feel? Would you like more or less movement? Do you want me to play with your pussy while I'm doing your ass? Do you want more teasing? Some rimming? More pressure and fullness? Less in-and-out motion? Ask.

Make sure your partner knows that if she wants you to stop, she need only say so and you will stop. Anal sex can be very highly charged even for the most willing, aroused, or experienced receivers. Having your ass penetrated can be intense, emotional, even a little scary. Keep all these factors in mind, and remember that your partner has put a tremendous amount of trust in you. Respect that trust as well as your partner's body. Realize that she or he may be feeling particularly vulnerable or may be a little anxious. Reassure your partner that she or he is in charge.

DON'T GO FROM ASS TO PUSSY

It can't be said too often: putting something in the ass and then transferring it directly to the vagina is a perfect route to a vaginal infection. Bacteria that lives naturally in the rectum (possibly along with some fecal matter) will be transferred to the pussy, and since the pussy doesn't naturally flush itself out, bacteria can set up shop, multiply, and live there until you treat it. Some women get yeast infections or urinary tract infections, others get bacterial infections like gardinerella.

Once anything—a finger, a toy, a penis—has been in the ass, it must be thoroughly washed or covered with a new condom or glove before it goes anywhere near the vagina. In addition, you should be aware that lube that goes into your ass and drips out of it can make its way to your pussy, which could also cause an infection. To prevent what I call "the drip-down effect," have a box of baby wipes handy to make a clean swipe of the area (always swipe front to back).

GETTING STARTED

When you're ready to introduce anal stimulation, start out by massaging the asscheeks and inner thighs. Work your way around the anal area with your fingers, your mouth, or a vibrator. Remember that the more you stimulate the entire area, the more the blood rushes there. You can combine anal stimulation with stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, or penis to get the entire genital region engorged and excited.

In the beginning, I like to start penetration with fingers rather than small toys since fingers are sensitive and connected to our brains whereas toys aren't. Putting your finger in someone's ass can give you a good idea of how that ass feels and responds.

When your partner is ready, use one well-lubed finger. Instead of going straight inside, touch the pad of your finger to the opening; this trick usually relaxes the anus, allowing you to slip your finger in comfortably . Go up to the first knuckle and just stay there. Since the first instinct of the sphincter muscles will be to tighten, let the ass get used to having something inside it and let the sphincter muscles relax. A good way to further relax the receptive partner's ass is to slowly and gently push up and down against the opening. Gently apply pressure downward toward the bottom of the anal opening; do the same thing upward, to the left, and to the right. I call this the North-South-East-West technique, and it's a simple, gentle way to let the ass know you're there. When your partner is ready for more, slip farther inside slowly and gently. Encourage him or her to breathe deeply; stay where you are on the inhale and nudge farther in on the exhale. Don't go too far too fast.

There are so many nerve endings in the anal area that every sensation is magnified. Keep in mind that a light touch, a slim pinkie, and a slight wiggle all go a long way. The simplest caress can be extremely pleasurable. In the beginning, it's best to err on the side of caution and gentleness. If your partner wants more, deeper, faster, or harder, he or she will tell you.

> > What If It Hurts?

> > THERE MAY BE TOO MUCH FRICTION. Withdraw, add some more lube, and see if it feels better.

> > Stop the movement of fingers, cocks, or toys, but stay inside; see if the pain subsides.

> > Decrease the number of fingers you have inside or use a smaller toy. Work your way back up, but never force anything.

> > Withdraw and focus on more external stimulation—a hand job, oral sex, more foreplay.

> > If you need to, stop the activity altogether. Allow your partner to relax, take some deep breaths, listen to his or her body.

WORK YOUR WAY UP

Once you have one finger inside your partner's ass comfortably, you can begin to experiment with different sensations. Stay still and stimulate his or her genitals, and see how the body responds. Move your finger in and out and explore different speeds. You can also try to make a twisting motion as you go in and out. Make sure that the receptive partner is the one in control of the action—and she should let you know if she wants more or less, slower or faster, deeper or not-so-deep. To get one finger in and bring your partner to orgasm is a good goal for an evening. I know it sounds like a small step, but the idea is to have a series of hot, pleasurable anal sessions to build on.

If you're both feeling ambitious and want more, slowly slide your finger out and add more lube. To go from one finger to two, cross your index finger over your middle finger , make sure both are well-lubed, and touch the pads of the fingers to the opening just like you did with one finger. Slide both fingers inside slowly, be still, and let the ass adjust. Remember your anatomy lesson and those two curves you're going to run into in the rectum. Each person's rectum is unique, so don't assume that a technique that worked on one person will make your current partner scream in ecstasy. Going slowly will help you navigate the curves of the rectum and begin to discover the individuality of your partner's anal canal and rectum without causing discomfort. There will be plenty of time later for a hard-and-fast frenzy, if that's what you both want. But, in general, you shouldn't make any swift or jerky movements. Likewise, whenever you withdraw anything from the ass—if she asks you to stop, after she's had an orgasm, or when you're going to take a break—always pull out slowly. Even if your partner says "Get it out of me now!" don't withdraw too quickly or you can hurt or tear the tender rectal tissue.

As you did with one finger, experiment with different sensations with two fingers. By now your partner should be pretty turned on, so angle your fingers toward the front of the body to hit the G-spot indirectly or the prostate directly. The G-spot and prostate like firm, deliberate stimulation. Use a "come here" motion (almost like a pulling motion) with your fingers to press on the sensitive spot. Because you're putting pressure on the area around the urethra, your partner may feel the urge to pee during G-spot or prostate stimulation. When coupled with arousal, the pee feeling may be pleasurable for some, or annoying for others. Get feedback from your partner about how it feels. In your very first (or first few) anal play experiences, using two fingers is a good goal; two fingers plus other stimulation leading to a rockin' orgasm also works. There will be plenty of time later on for more.

From two fingers, you can progress to three (depending on the size of your fingers) or a slim butt plug or dildo. Remember that you can put a butt plug in, then move on to another activity—vaginal penetration, cunnilingus, mutual masturbation—while the plug works its magic to relax and arouse the ass. When the plug comes out, the ass will be ready for something bigger or longer, or it may be spent. That depends on the ass.

I've outlined a slow, methodical process that may seem like it's a lot of time and effort, which begs the question: Does the receiver always have to warm up for anal penetration? The answer is yes. No matter how experienced you are, you always must begin with fingers or small toys before moving on to a cock or dildo. However, the amount of time it takes your ass to open up and relax will gradually decrease the more you practice.

Check In

Afterward, have a little debriefing session to review how it went and get feedback you can use for next time. Remind each other about goals you set. Did I go too fast, did I use enough lube? Was there enough in-and-out movement, or do you want more of just that pressure feeling? What did you like about my fingers versus the butt plug? Is there something I can do differently next time? Do you want more genital stimulation while I'm playing with your butt? Compliments always feel good—criticism does not. Be generous when you communicate with your partner. If you want to tell her or him about something you didn't like, why not start that conversation with something you did like? But make sure you do talk about what didn't work as well as what did work. There are many elements you need to have a pleasurable, pain-free anal sex experience: lots of foreplay and warm-up, plenty of lubrication, and communication and trust between you and your partner. Communication at all phases of an anal sex experience will ultimately help both partners to articulate their needs, and, ideally, help everyone get what he or she wants out of anal sex.

Penetration with Penises, Dildos, and Bigger Toys

When you're ready to move on to a cock, a strap-on dildo, or a bigger toy, the same rules discussed in the previous section apply. In this section, all the tips and techniques can apply to penetration with a penis or a dildo, so when I use the word cock I mean any cock, whether rubber or flesh.

Tips for the Giver

After your partner is warmed up and ready for your cock, your erection must be solid to make anal penetration work. While not a problem for cocks of the silicone variety, if you have a flesh cock, make sure it's stiff. Sometimes, a man can have a semihard penis and manage to "stuff" it into a woman's pussy, but that trick won't work on her ass because the anus is such a tight opening. When you're ready , lubricate your cock and relube her ass. Place your cock at her anal opening and hold it with your hand to help you guide it. Now, you have a few options:

Have her move her body toward your cock (forward or backward depending on your positions), while you guide it inside.

Rub your cock against her opening. This external stimulation should relax the anus. As the sphincter muscles contract, the opening appears to "wink" (open, then closed) at you. As it winks open, take the opportunity to slide in.

Press your cock against her opening and gently push against it (she may want to either relax or bear down in order to let you inside).

Penetrate her ass with your finger, withdraw it, and while her anus is open, gently insert your cock. When you first enter her, just put the head of your cock inside, stop, and stay where you are. Let her sphincter muscles and anus get used to the feeling. Keep your movements slow, gentle, and subtle at first. When she's ready, you can venture farther inside. Sometimes, she will actually suck you inside—when we are aroused, our rectums start to contract and we can often pull a cock right in. If she doesn't suck you in, slide into her very slowly or let her come back or down onto the cock so she can control the entry. Now you can start some slow thrusting. Remember when possible to angle toward the front of the body to aim for the G-spot or prostate. She should tell you if she wants you to go deeper or faster or both. Then, it's simply a matter of exploring what feels good for both of you.

STRAP-ON SEX TIPS

Review the tips for selecting the right dildo harness in chapter 8, and make sure your harness fits snugly. As a woman doing the penetration, you should experiment with different positions (see pages 109-118 for a detailed discussion of positions). I know that the first few times I fucked someone in the ass with a strap-on, I had the person in traditional doggie-style position for several reasons. Doggie-style gives you a clear view of the butthole, so you can see exactly what you're doing , and the position allows for a good angle of penetration toward the G-spot or prostate. It's also an easy position in which to get your balance, establish a rhythm, and get some good thrusting going. So, you may want to start out that way, but you can also try any of the other positions in this chapter.

Learning how to skillfully wield a strap-on takes practice and patience. If you feel like the dildo is moving around too much or it doesn't feel secure, then your harness isn't tight enough and you should adjust it. In the beginning, you may want to guide the dildo with your hand, which will give you more control of exactly where it's going. When your partner is ready for penetration, be gentle and go slowly. Press the tip of the well-lubricated dildo against the opening, and have your partner come back on it. This may help him or her feel less vulnerable and more in control of the pace. Once you are inside, and the receiver is ready for some movement, begin slowly. You want to establish a thrusting motion with your hips, one that feels good to your partner and won't tire you out too quickly.

As a woman, you can enjoy penetrating a man or another woman on many different levels. The trust and intimacy between you can feel especially heightened and very arousing. The naughty, taboo aspects of both anal sex and a woman with a dick can really get your motor going. The power she feels as the penetrating partner can also add to your fantasy and pleasure. Plus, strap-on anal sex has the potential to be physically stimulating for you. (Again, see discussion of strap-ons in chapter 8.)

A word to novices: like just about everything else, it takes practice. So, all you guys out there who are thrilled at the idea of a girl with a cock doing you: have some patience while she practices her technique, remember the first time you used that tool of yours, and give her a break while she figures hers out. And all you women fucking with dildos: make sure you talk to your partner, ask what she or he likes, and try different positions (like those discussed later in this chapter) to see what works best for both of you.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Going for the Gape

> > Q: My partner really enjoyed something that I unknowingly did last night. I was in doggie-style position, and he was playing with my ass from behind. I was very, very aroused and without knowing or trying, I experienced what I have seen in some porn movies: the gape. It turned him on a great deal. I was able to continue this for quite a while, even while alternating contracting and relaxing my sphincter muscles. Then, suddenly, I just couldn't reproduce the gape again no matter how I tried. If you have any information on how I might cultivate or encourage this skill, I would be most grateful.

> >
>

> > A: It sounds to me like you stumbled upon something that other people work pretty hard to achieve! In the adult industry, "the gape" is the postfucking state of openness of an ass. People write to me about seeing the gape in porn videos all the time, but usually it's in fear. They think that once they have anal sex, their ass will end up like a giant pink hole, they'll lose control of their bowel movements, and the anal sphincter muscles will forever stay open. Of course, this isn't the case. I often reassure people that what they are seeing is the ass "at play"—it's just had something quite big pounding away at it, so it's naturally very relaxed, aroused, and ajar. If you saw the same asshole "at rest," it would be small, closed, and puckered as usual. Your question is an interesting one because you want to achieve the gape, whereas most folks are freaked out by it.

> >
>

> > In my experience, some women gape quite easily, others gape only after a prolonged intense ass-fucking, and others rarely if ever get a gape going. Some of it is pure chance; it has to do with how the body responds to penetration, and in particular how the ass behaves after extensive stimulation. Usually in order to get the gape, you need to be very turned on (as you said you were) and have an extended anal penetration scene to get your sphincter muscles to relax and open up. From the description of your experience, you have a good awareness of and control over those muscles, which can also help you go for the gape. In addition to trying to contract and relax the sphincters, you may also want to try to bear down slightly, and see what effect that produces. After your partner pulls out, you can reach around and spread your asscheeks with both hands, which will give the illusion of an open ass. Continuous penetration of some kind may be the key to extending the gape for you, since it sounds like, at some point, the banging stopped, and you were just flexing your muscles. If your partner continues to play with your ass, thus stimulating the area, I bet you'll be able to extend the gape.

Tips for the Receiver

When your partner is about to enter you, take several deep breaths. Deep breathing will help you relax and concentrate on opening your ass as well as circulating blood to your genitals. (Taking shallow breaths tightens the muscles and inhibits the engorgement process.) Spreading your ass cheeks and holding them apart can help your partner during initial penetration. If you feel yourself start to tense, concentrate on relaxing those sphincter muscles. You may want to relax and bear down slightly.

It sounds like the opposite of what you should be doing, but it can actually help make penetration easier and more comfortable. Your partner should stimulate your clit or you can self-stimulate as you are penetrated, which will help keep your arousal level up and make penetration more pleasurable.

If your partner is having trouble hitting the intended target (hey, those two holes are close together and it's slippery with all that lube), wrap your fingers around the head of the cock and help guide it inside your ass. Continue to give your partner cues and directions about what you're experiencing and what you need.

Double Penetration

Some women really like the feeling of having both orifices penetrated at the same time. This can be done with fingers, fingers and a toy, two toys, a penis and a toy, or two penises. If you're using a toy, make sure it's made of a flexible material. Some women can accommodate something in their pussy and in their ass simultaneously with relative ease. For others, it takes some effort, lots of warm-up, and practice. It may also depend on the size of the things you're trying to fit in. If you want two penises or two dildos, you may not be able to do it at all, since double penetration really depends on your internal map, and if there's room for two. For most women, when something sizable goes in one hole, the membrane that separates the vaginal and rectal cavities gives slightly one way or the other to accommodate it. So, if there's a large toy in your pussy, your ass may feel tighter than normal (and vice versa).

> > Their penises moved in unison
>  inside me. I could clearly feel them
>  both, their tips meeting, brushing
>  each other through what felt like a
>  flimsy membrane, a thin wall of
>  skin which was in danger at every
>  thrust, and was becoming more and
>  more fragile. They're going to tear
>  me, I thought, they're going to tear
>  me and then they really will meet,
>  one against the other. I repeated it
>  to myself. I liked hearing myself
>  say it. They're going to tear me.
>  What a delicious idea…

> > —ALMUDENA GRANDES—

You can try different techniques to see which one suits you. You may want to inch one finger or cock in one hole, then inch a finger in the other hole. Work your way in slowly, and alternate between the two until it feels comfortable. Or you can have one orifice fully penetrated (the ass would be the best choice since, for most women, it requires more warm-up), then have your partner work his or her way into the other. Some people like to alternate holes—as a finger or a cock goes in one hole, another finger or cock comes out of the other hole—then switch, so the effect is like two pistons going in opposite directions.

You are the one who will know best if it's possible, so make sure you're the one who's in charge and calling the shots. You're testing the limits of your body, so make sure you give your partner plenty of feedback about how it feels.

Anal Sex Positions

People ask me: "What's the best position for anal sex?" My answer: the one that works for both of you. Missionary position can be great, unless keeping her legs in the air or over your shoulders isn't comfortable for her. Spooning works if your bodies line up naturally, and the giver can get a good angle. If you choose doggie-style (my personal favorite), you can do traditional on-all-fours or do head-down, ass-in-the-air. All the positions people employ for vaginal penetration can be used for anal penetration. Since everyone has individual needs, tastes, and desires, it is important to explore all kinds of positions to discover what works best for you and your partner. Think of each new position as an opportunity to explore different depths, speeds, rhythms, and dynamics; there's lots of erotic territory to find simply by changing your point of view.

Missionary Position

This position finds the receptive partner on her or his back and the insertive partner on top; many times, you can enhance this position with a pillow or something like the Liberator Shapes wedge, a firm pillowlike shape designed for sex. Here are a few styles of missionary:

MISSIONARY WITH KNEES UP: Receiver lies on her/his back with giver sitting or kneeling between receiver's legs. To insure full access to the back door, prop up the butt (in order to tip the hips up and back slightly) and have your partner spread her/his legs with knees bent.

LEGS OVER SHOULDERS: Receiver lies on her/his back with heels in the air. Legs can be drawn in so that knees touch the chest or flipped over the shoulders. Giver sits or kneels between receiver's legs. Although this position may create a better angle for entry, it is one that even the most flexible among us may find hard to sustain.

MISSIONARY ON THE EDGE: Receiver lies on her/his back at the edge of the bed (or a massage table, a bondage table, a spanking bench, a comfortable stuffed chair) with giver between receiver's legs, either standing or sitting in a chair of the appropriate height.

Illustration 12: Missionary

PILE DRIVER: Receiver lies on her/his back, usually on a firm surface like the floor, with nearly entire body below the shoulders pointed upward, and giver standing or squatting for insertion.

Because both partners face each other in these positions, it can be easier to communicate, especially nonverbally, plus you can attend to other parts of your partner's body—suck on her nipples, kiss his neck, nibble her lips. Many people in the receptive position like missionary-style anal penetration because lying on their back either feels more comfortable (except perhaps in the case of Pile Driver) or allows them a sense of surrendering to their partner. In this position, your partner usually cannot provide clitoral or cock stimulation, but you can provide your own with your hand or a vibrator.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Pain-Free Position

> > Q: My husband and I want to try out anal sex really bad, but my problem is the pain—I know it's not supposed to hurt, but it does. I keep telling him that missionary position is not the best for our first try. Is there another position you recommend? I really want to give this to him, but I am still very nervous.

> >
>

> > A: You admitted being nervous about getting fucked in the ass, which is very common, but my question is: do you really want to do it? I sense some reservation in your letter, and I am concerned that your fear and anxiety may be holding you back. Your desire for this must absolutely be there (not just your husband's), otherwise it's not going to work, and it will continue to hurt. You are right that it is not supposed to hurt, and pain can be the result of many things: hesitation on your part; not being relaxed; not enough foreplay and warm-up; not enough lube. You need to take it slow, and have him open your ass with fingers or small toys before he even attempts to put his cock in there. As for positions, if missionary isn't working for you, trust your instincts. Maybe you should get on top, so you can control the depth of penetration and speed, and you can move your body to get the best angle. Or you could try doggie-style, but make sure he doesn't thrust all the way inside on the first time around.

Receiver on Top

In the receptive-partner-on-top position, the receiver straddles the giver. For example:

ON TOP: Partners face each other, so they can talk and communicate as well as stroke, rub, pinch, and stimulate other parts of each other's bodies; this position allows the giver easy access to the receiver's body for clitoral or cock stimulation.

Illustration 13: On Top

REVERSE COWGIRL/COWBOY: This position is identical to On Top, except the partners face the same direction. Depending on the particular curve of the cock or dildo, some receivers prefer this to the original On Top, plus they can stimulate their own genitals. Communication may be tougher in this position, especially if it's your first time.

Illustration 14: Reverse Cowgirl/Cowboy

When the receiver is on top, she or he can sit straight up, or lean forward or backward to create the perfect angle. Receptive partners can really take the lead in this position and be in charge of the angle and depth of insertion, the amount of movement, and the rhythm of the penetration. Givers who are inexperienced, nervous about how to penetrate their partners anally, or fearful of hurting their partners may find this position most relaxing because the receiver can do much of the decision making and work. The partner on the bottom often likes this position best because you get a great view of your partner and can watch him or her as he or she receives pleasure.

Doggie-Style (From Behind)

The doggie-style position is probably the first one many of us think of when we think about anal sex. This position, with the receptive partner on her/his hands and knees and the insertive partner behind her/him, has a few variations:

DOGGIE-STYLE ON ALL FOURS: With receiver on hands and knees, giver kneels behind (if on the bed) or stands behind (if using edge of the bed or other furniture).

DOGGIE-STYLE WITH HEAD DOWN: Same as Doggie-Style on All Fours, except receiver's head and shoulders are down. This angles the body perfectly for the giver to hit the G-spot or the prostate.

FLAT FROM BEHIND: The receptive partner is on her or his stomach with knees either bent or straight, the giver lies on top. Although this one may seem awkward on first try, it just takes a little practice. This, too, is a good position for medium or deep penetration because the rectum is in an optimum position for smooth entry.

DOGGIE BENT OVER FURNITURE: Receiver is bent over a bed, couch, or table with giver standing behind.

Doggie-style positions are good for beginner givers, especially if they are trying to navigate between two holes (the vaginal opening and the anal opening). Penetration from behind is best for deep penetration because the rectum is in the most straight (not bent) position, so the insertive partner can get good depth that is also comfortable to the receiver. With doggie-style, you can get a great angle to hit her G-spot or his prostate, as well as reach around to stimulate the clitoris, pussy, or cock. Doing it doggie-style also means both partners can have lots of pelvic movement. The insertive partner can do a lot of deep, hard, or fast thrusting; the receptive partner can move back on or ride a cock from this angle. Many people like to have their partner penetrate them from behind for a fast and frenzied kind of fuck. As when the receptive partner is on top, she or he can also be in control of the action if the insertive partner does less of the movement and lets the receiver come to him or her.

> > The ass is a gift. When a woman
>  kneels with her ass in the air, head
>  well down, she feels erotic dread
>  grow in the pit of her stomach and
>  spread through her loins. She can
>  want for this and fear it. In my
>  anticipation of the entry thrust, my
>  heart beats faster, the walls of my
>  vagina swell. It's all up to him.
>  How will he take me?

> > —SUSAN CRAIN BAKOS—

Illustration 15: Doggie-Style

Spooning and Reverse Spooning

In the spooning position, both partners are on their sides either facing each other or facing the same direction. This position is comfortable, flexible, and easily maneuverable, and it gives both partners good control over the angle and depth of penetration; it's an ideal position for partners who are of very different heights or sizes. Some people find that lying side by side gives them greater access to their partner's vagina, clitoris, penis, balls, and more for exploration and stimulation.

You don't get the depth of penetration in spooning that you get with other positions; however, spooning is good for a long, slow anal fucking session, where no one's in a rush to get somewhere. Don't get me wrong—you can still have ecstatic orgasms this way.

Illustration 16: Spooning

Slings and Swings

Many people find a sling or a swing ideal for anal sex. Slings and swings must be suspended from a weight-bearing beam in the ceiling or a metal stand built specifically to hold it, which can be purchased separately. Lying in one can be both comfortable and extremely supportive, plus your partner can have flexible access to your ass. While you may get into a variety of positions, the key to making this work is having the swing or sling at the proper height so your bodies line up.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Can't Get Past the Head

> > Q: My partner likes anal sex very much; she has had plenty of experience and we practice it regularly. But, despite extended warm-up sessions and a lot of lube and communication, she cannot accommodate my penis every time. I am always very gentle and caring. I know that each day with a partner is unique and different even if the mood and environment are the same. The situation is even more frustrating for me (and probably for her too) as we often have to stop after the tip of my cock has gotten inside her. It's almost like some sort of reflex in her body just "rejects" me. What is the best way to achieve full anal sphincter relaxation, allowing an easy and guaranteed penis insertion?

> >
>

> > A: There are no guarantees in life, especially with matters of the heart and ass. It sounds to me like your partner's body isn't relaxed enough, which is why her ass is rejecting you. A surefire solution is to increase the amount of foreplay. I suggest more warm-up with fingers and toys. Add clitoral stimulation to the mix. Using a vibrator, your hand, or hers to manually stimulate her clit while you play with her ass can increase her arousal and help her rectum expand for penetration. Once you first get inside her, don't make any sudden moves. Stay put and give her a chance to adjust to the feeling before you start moving in and out. When she feels relaxed, then start with gentle thrusting, and let her call the shots in terms of speed and depth. Take your time, listen to her body, and don't put so much pressure on yourself and her to make it happen every time.

A sling is like a hammock seat designed especially for sex, and it is usually made of solid, webbed, or crisscrossed leather or nylon. Most come with separate stirrups or ankle and leg cuffs to support your weight, which makes keeping your legs up in the air practically effortless. Some come with a separate piece for head and neck support.

The Love Swing and The Bungee Sexperience Sex Swing are examples of swings. Both basically consist of an adjustable nylon sex harness with straps to support the back and butt or waist and knees, depending on the position you're in. Padded stirrups for feet, ankles, calves, or thighs make it comfortable to be in, even for a long session. You can get into dozens of different positions with a swing, and create different sensations in each. The giver can pull the receiver (the one in the swing) effortlessly back and forth or bounce him or her up or down. The receiver can create the same effect with a slight hip action while his or her partner lies, sits or stands completely still.

Slings and swings are available at specialty sex and leather stores (see Resource Guide).

QUOTES AND SIDEBARS

Rose White and Eric Albert, "She Gets Her Ass Fucked Good" in Best American Erotica 1997, edited by Susie Bright (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997), 82.

Betty Dodson, Ph.D., Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex (New York: Harmony Books, 2002), 189-190.

Almudena Grandes, The Ages of Lulu, translated by Sinia Soto (New York: Grove Press, 1994), 184.

Susan Crain Bakos, Kink, 10.


Input: Write a chapter for a book about anal sex that focuses specifically on anal pleasure for men. Discuss the common misconceptions and psychological issues men may face when it comes to receiving anal pleasure, such as societal expectations and gender roles. Emphasize the importance of overcoming these barriers in order to experience the physical and emotional benefits of anal pleasure. Provide tips and techniques for prostate stimulation, including the use of fingers and sex toys such as the Aneros. Address any concerns men may have about losing their erection during anal play and reassure them that this is normal and does not detract from the pleasure they can experience. Encourage open communication between partners and discuss the potential for women to explore new sexual roles and experience their own sexual empowerment through giving anal pleasure to men. Include quotes and personal experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter.

Response:
CHAPTER 12

Anal Pleasure for Men

While this book says for women on the cover, I know that men bought the first edition, as did women who wanted to learn to give pleasure to their male partners. Since our anorectal anatomy is so similar, nearly all the tips and techniques you've read so far throughout the book apply to men as well. You can use your mouth, your fingers, or a sex toy to stimulate or penetrate your man's ass. If you're interested in using a strap-on dildo, follow the recommendations in chapters 8 and 11. In this chapter, I'll cover some of the particular issues—both physical and psychological—that relate specifically to men receiving anal pleasure.

Let me admit my bias about male anal pleasure right off the bat. Getting fucked in the ass is one of the greatest gifts a man can give himself and his partner. First, there is the purely physical prize that awaits him when he is on the receiving end of anal pleasure: those nerve endings, that sensitive tissue, and the unique prostate stimulation. Anal sex is an opportunity for men to be penetrated—a chance to experience pleasure from the other side of the fence, for those usually dishing it out. But in order to access this ecstasy, most men must first get over a lot of shame and fear and embrace all the ass has to offer, which can be easier said than done.

Gender Roles and Psychology

Since anal pleasure is still taboo in American culture, anyone who admits to being a Backdoor Betty is on the front lines of sexual liberation. As women, since we are already positioned as the receptive, penetrated partner , we need only reorient ourselves to focus on the other orifice. A man, on the other hand, is seen as the penetrator, the active partner, the pencil to her sharpener. Giving his body over to a woman in a whole new way requires extreme trust, but before he can go there, he's got to deal with some of the baggage that comes with a desire for anal pleasure. Men must confront the stereotype that dudes who like their asses played with are gay. Or the myth that a man has got to be a passive wuss to get fucked in the ass; that real men don't get done up the butt, and if they do, they've somehow put their masculinity in jeopardy. All of this is, of course, bull-shit, but that doesn't mean it's easy to let go of and get over.

Over the years, I've received thousands of letters from and spoken face-to-face with hundreds of men who love to get fucked in the ass. Most of them identify as heterosexual and have female partners. Wanting to experience anal pleasure does not make a man gay, kinky, or weird. It doesn't make him less of a man, either. In fact, I think a willingness to embrace a desire that's outside the norm is the sign of a sexually confident, adventurous, open-minded man.

That said, different men like to be fucked in different ways. It's okay if a guy's anal desires involve being submissive, being naughty, or being "forced" (by prior consent) to do it. On the other hand, a guy doesn't have to be passive or submissive to be penetrated. I have personally fucked plenty of men without flipping them—it's all in the way you play it. Encourage your male partner to work through any issues he may have about his sexual or gender role, and to come out of an altogether different closet, along with all the other straight men who can proudly say, "I love getting fucked in the ass!"

Not only can men challenge their gender roles, but so can women. Women who give men anal pleasure can try out the role of active penetrator; we can slip our tongues, fingers, and cocks inside our male lovers' bodies, learning how to give and get pleasure in a brand-new way. Being on the other end of the dick gives women a chance to have their own revolution, too. We can see how the other half does it, and experience our power as women in a new way. This new sexual role alone can be a huge turn-on for some women. There are also plenty of ways for a woman to get physical stimulation while fucking someone with a strap-on (as discussed in chapters 8 and 11).

Prostate Stimulation

Too many men still have not experienced the wonders of their prostate gland. For many of them, their first foray into the land of anal penetration (if they've had one at all) probably took place in a sterile white room, on a paper-covered table. The proctologist squeezed a lump of K-Y onto his latex-clad hand and shoved his finger up your man's ass. It wasn't erotic, it didn't feel particularly good, and your boyfriend wasn't even attracted to the guy. All of this happened five minutes after words like prostate cancer and rectal exam were uttered. Some turn-on. Now he knows how you feel at the gynecologist. If this is the case for your guy, he needs to put this experience out of his mind—it was a medical exam. I'm talking about mind-blowing sex.

Recall that the prostate sits around a part of the urethra and is about 2 to 3 inches inside the rectum on the front wall. If you slip your finger inside a man's ass and head toward the front of his body, you'll find an area (about the size of a walnut) that feels differently textured than the rest of the rectal wall. At first, you should gently rub the spot as your partner gives you feedback about how it feels. Every guy is different, so your partner's communication is critical to helping you stimulate him in exactly the way he wants. As he gets more aroused, the prostate will swell and become more sensitive. It can also handle more firm and deliberate stimulation once it's swollen, and you can employ some of the same techniques I've described for stimulating the G-spot throughout the book. For prostate stimulation with a dildo (whether strapped on or in your hand), select a curved toy and make sure the curve is always toward the front of his body.

Some guys like to have their cocks and balls played with, while others want anal play alone—that's something for the two of you to experiment with. When some men have their ass stimulated, they may lose their erection. There are several theories about why this can happen. As a man relaxes his pelvic and sphincter muscles to allow penetration, the pelvic region is too relaxed to maintain an erection. Some men get entirely focused on the stimulation of their ass, and their cock is not the focal point of the pleasure. Don't be alarmed if it happens to your partner. A loss of erection could signal a man's fear or anxiety about being penetrated, and you may want to check in with your partner if you sense some physical or emotional discomfort. However, a man may also be having the time of his life and still have a less than rock-hard cock. It may not happen every time he is penetrated, or it may change as he becomes aroused. Worrying about his loss of erection is not going to help it return or help either of you to have a good time. Relax, and let it do whatever it wants to do.

> > He clamps up to prevent me from
>  rubbing here, but aggression has
>  risen in me and I press on, massaging
>  a moistened finger at the entrance.
>  It's slick there, and I can imagine the
>  smell, which excites me; I know that
>  he's concerned about the smell, too—
>  how I'll find him—and this excites
>  me. The thought pops into my mind
>  that if I had a dick, right now if I had
>  a dick, I would wear him out…"

> > —MAGENTA MICHAELS—

Just for Men: The Aneros

The Aneros is a unique anal toy that looks like a butt plug with two thin, curled handles on the base; there are five different styles of the Aneros that vary slightly in size or design (see illustration 10 in chapter 8). The Aneros was designed specifically for prostate massage and is prescribed as a medical treatment for men with prostate problems. It's also a really cool sex toy you can encourage your male partner to use alone or with you. After warm-up with a finger or two, insert the well-lubed Aneros into the ass, making sure that the loop of the base that curves up (referred to in the instructions as the "perineum abutment") is positioned to press against the perineum (the area between the anus and the scrotum). Once he's used to having it inside him, tell him to begin contracting his sphincter muscles. Don't use your hand to move the toy, tell him to use only his muscles. These contractions actually move the toy inside him, pushing the head of it into the prostate and creating pleasurable stimulation of the nerve endings. Simultaneously, the abutment presses on the perineum, stimulating it as well. Aneros toys are nonporous, and makers recommend using water-based lube with them; they can be cleaned with hot water and antibacterial soap.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Convince My Wife, Please

> > Q: I love it when my wife wears a strap-on and gives it to me in the butt. My problem is that she only does it occasionally. I wish she would do it more and enjoy it more. Any suggestions?

> >
>

> > A: Since you've already gotten your ass plowed by her before, I think it's fair to ask her directly why you're not getting the backdoor gift from her more often. Have you asked her directly why she might be hesitant to do it? Have you told her how much it turns you on? Your wife may have some issues with being the penetrator (instead of the penetrated), since it is not a straight woman's typical role; however, you can reassure her that there are plenty of other women giving it to their guys and loving every minute of it. Many people can buy into the myth that if men want to be fucked in the ass, then they are really gay. This is ridiculous, of course. In most cases, men who identify as heterosexual and enjoy giving and/or receiving anal sex with women are not repressing gay desires. Your wife may be a victim of this stereotype, and you need to assure her that you love her, are attracted to her, and want her alone to do you in the ass. Perhaps she hasn't realized her own potential for pleasure during strap-on sex. In addition to being a real turn-on upstairs (in her head), having her cock in your ass provides plenty of ways for her to get off.

A Different Kind of Orgasm

Men can definitely have orgasms as a result of anal penetration. Some men add cock stimulation (you can stimulate his penis or he can do it himself) to anal penetration, and can come from the combination. Others can come from just a good ass-fucking. Other men may experience a different kind of orgasm from prostate stimulation than they do from having their penis stimulated manually, orally, or via penetration. Many men report that they have a prostate orgasm—all the sensations of an orgasm without ejaculation. Or they may climax and ejaculate a clear fluid that's different looking than their usual ejaculate—this is prostatic fluid, the fluid produced by the prostate gland. So, there are many possibilities, and it may be a matter of both of you reorienting around a different expectation of an orgasm.

QUOTE

Magenta Michaels, "Taking Him on a Sunday Afternoon" in Herotica 2: A Collection of Women's Erotic Fiction, edited by Susie Bright and Joani Blank (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1991), 19.


Input: Write a chapter for a book about BDSM and anal play. Begin by explaining the basics of BDSM, including the various terms and activities involved. Discuss the importance of communication and negotiation in BDSM, especially when it comes to anal play. Provide examples of questions a top might ask a bottom to ensure a safe and enjoyable experience. Discuss specific activities where the ass is a central part of the play, including spanking, butt plug play, anal training, psychological play, Dominance and submission, penetration by consensual force, and erotic enema play. Provide tips and techniques for each activity, as well as safety precautions to keep in mind. Use quotes and personal experiences to illustrate the points made in the chapter.

Response:
CHAPTER 13

BDSM and Anal Play

BDSM: The Basics

BDSM is an abbreviation of sorts that represents three distinct but related terms: B & D (bondage and discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (sadism and masochism or sadomasochism). BDSM is meant to be a catchall term that encompasses all the activities for which the letters stand and more. Erotic but not necessarily sexual, BDSM is an intimate experience, an exchange of power between people that may be physical, psychological, spiritual, or all of the above. Common BDSM activities include bondage, flogging, spanking, sensory deprivation, sensation play, and Dominant/submissive role-play. If you've ever played with handcuffs or blindfolds, controlled or punished someone, or explored the line between pleasure and pain during sex, then you've done BDSM.

In BDSM, the top is the person who is in charge, initiates action, and does things to the bottom; the bottom follows the top's lead, receives action, and has things done to him or her. In general, but not always, tops like to control and run the show, and bottoms like to give up control and surrender. Simply put, tops do, bottoms get done. Many tops are dominant—their needs and wishes come first, and many bottoms are submissive—their desire is to please and serve the Dominant. However, that is not always the case. For example, if a dominant Master orders his submissive to flog him, then the Master is the flogging bottom and the submissive is the flogging top; the Master is still the one in charge, he's just having something done to him. People may also identify with multiple roles, including both top and bottom, and they are called switches.

Because BDSM encompasses so many different practices, kinky people like to talk with their partners first about their likes and dislikes. Negotiation is one of the basic tenets of BDSM and one that everyone (no matter if you're kinky or not) can learn from. Good negotiation requires you to determine what you want, be able to communicate it, and then make it happen. Once each partner lays down the ground rules for what they want and don't want, what's okay and what's not, both need to respect each other's physical and emotional boundaries.

Negotiation prior to any BDSM scene is crucial. It's especially important for the top (the doer) to have as much information as possible about the experience level of the bottom (the one who gets done). The idea is to have as much knowledge as you can before the scene, so you can plan accordingly. Here are some examples of questions about anal play that a top might ask a bottom:

> > BDSM Terminology

> > PLAY: equivalent to practicing BDSM, as in "I played with him last week."

> >
>

> > SCENE: when two (or more) people come together to do BDSM.

> >
>

> > TOP: one who dishes it out.

> >
>

> > BOTTOM: one who takes it.

> >
>

> > SWITCH: one who likes to dish it out and take it, depending on the circumstances.

> >
>

> > SADIST: one who derives pleasure from inflicting physical and/or emotional pain and discomfort on others.

> >
>

> > MASOCHIST: one who enjoys receiving that pain and/or discomfort.

How much experience have you had with BDSM?

How much experience have you had with anal play?

Are you sensitive or allergic to latex or any kinds of lube?

When was the last time you did any kind of anal play and what was it?

What are your turn-ons and turn-offs when it comes to your ass?

How much warm-up does your ass need and what works best for you?

What's the biggest thing you've ever had in your ass (and when did it happen)?

The bottom should be as specific as possible in all his or her answers. For example, if the response to the question "What's the biggest thing you've ever had in your ass?" is "Something really big," ask the person to be more specific: big like a cucumber or big like a watermelon? Knowing this type of information will help you figure out about how long the scene will last, decide what toys to bring, and determine what kinds of warm-up you'll do.

You should both agree to use a safeword during a scene. A safeword is a word—usually one that you wouldn't normally utter during a scene—that you and your partner choose. Since stop or no or please don't may be part of the dialogue of a scene, none of these words or phrases should be your safeword. Your safeword is your safety net. If you don't like something that's happening or you want the scene to stop right away, simply say your safeword.

Lots of different BDSM activities can be combined with anal play, including bondage, sensory deprivation, hot wax, flogging, and piercing .1 In this chapter, I will discuss specific activities where the ass is a central part of the play, including spanking, butt plug play, anal training, psychological play, Dominance and submission, penetration by consensual force, and erotic enema play.

Spanking

There's nothing like a good old-fashioned spanking. Whether you use your hand, a paddle, or another tool, a series of smacks on someone's ass-flesh can be highly erotic and enjoyable. For some, a spanking is a sensual turn-on. For others, in an erotic context, something that could be painful transforms into pleasure. When the body experiences an intense or painful sensation, it releases endorphins and other chemicals that attempt to inhibit the pain; these hormones may cause you to feel aroused, euphoric, or high. Add a psychological component to the spanking—like imagining yourself or your partner as a naughty boy receiving punishment at the hands of the governess—and you've got an erotic and emotionally-charged scenario.

For novice bottoms and tops and those looking for a light to moderate sensation, it's best to begin with your own hand. Your hand can help gauge just how soft or hard you are hitting someone, and is the easiest of tools to master since you've been using it your entire life. Take off rings and bracelets, which can distract and cause injury, before you spank anyone.

Get your bottom in a comfortable position—for example, lying over your lap, on all fours, or bent over the bed or a table. If you haven't yet done any foreplay or other touching, before you start spanking, it's a good idea to get the bottom going. The more aroused he or she is, the more enjoyable the spanking will be for both of you. So, lick her pussy a little, stroke his cock, talk dirty to her, suck on his nipples, do whatever it is you know will get your bottom nice and turned on.

Talk to your bottom, tell him or her what you're about to do. Perhaps say why you're giving the spanking if it's part of the scene: "You've been a very bad girl," or "This is because you forgot to thank me for untying you." Have the bottom count each smack to help focus on the spanking and anticipate the next lick to come. You can also have the person repeat a phrase like, "Please Mistress, may I have another?" If she or he forgets to say it or miscounts, you can start back at one. Verbal communication will not only keep you connected to one another and the scene, but as the top, you'll be able to determine when you're nearing your bottom's limit by her breathing and the tone in her voice, as well as her body language.

Begin by stroking and kneading the buttcheeks. Rubbing them will help to warm the skin and prepare it for the spanking; plus it will turn your partner on and tempt him or her with what's to come. Slightly cup your hand with the fingers together . Start out very lightly, just tapping the fullest part of the ass; make sure you avoid hitting the tailbone. After this very light spank, gently massage the area you just hit. Begin alternating sides with a light spank, followed by a massage. Keep your hand as close to the ass as possible; the farther away you bring your hand, the less control you have over hitting the exact spot you are aiming for and the more likely you are to hit too hard. You may want to spank with one hand and use the other one to play with her clit or his cock. Genital stimulation will help relax the bottom and make the spanking feel more sensual. Keep it relatively light in the beginning, and don't spank your bottom more than one-or two-dozen times. You can always have a heavier, longer spanking later. If you're going to spank someone and then do something else to his or her ass (flog it, cane it, or drip hot wax on it, for example), keep in mind that after a spanking, the skin is much more sensitive.

When you're ready to try different spanking tools, check your own home for useful things like a wooden spoon, spatula, or hairbrush. Or you may want to invest in a toy called a slapper (two pieces of leather sewn together at one end) or a leather paddle. There are also paddles made of rubber or wood, which deliver a much stronger, harder smack than their leather counterparts. Because slappers and paddles can be made of a variety of materials, it is important to know your tools before you start wielding them on another person. Most of them can produce a light sensation or a heavy, painful one depending on how much force is behind it. There are a variety of brushes made for grooming horses (found at tack stores), which can be used on the ass to create unique tactile feelings. Rub or "brush" the cheeks with them, or, for a heavier feeling, you can actually spank with some of them. The important things is to be very familiar with the implement and what different kinds of sensations it is capable of delivering as well as the pain it may inflict. Test out your spanking tools on your inner thigh before using them on someone else.

> > A really good spanking begins long
>  before skin-on-skin contact is even
>  made. Often, the atmosphere and
>  context can be even more arousing
>  than the spanking itself, and the
>  prelude to a spanking can be one
>  of the most panty-wetting, cock-stiffening
>  moments of tension
>  you'll ever experience.

> > —VIOLET BLUE—

Some paddles are leather on one side and soft fur (real or fake) on the other, so you can alternate between a whack and a gentle caress. If you don't have a two-sided paddle, you can use a fur mitt, a fuzzy glove, or a feather to create a similar gentle sensation. Try spanking with one bare hand and one hand wearing a leather glove. To create a combination of hot and cold, rub an ice cube over the ass, making sure to let some water drip between the cheeks. When the asscheeks are wet, the spanking will sting more.

Spanking complements anal play in a scene well, since the attention paid to the bottom's ass—in the form of taps, smacks, slaps, tickles, and other sensations—not only feels good, but helps draw blood to the area, helping the anal arousal process. It's a win-win situation!

Butt Plugs and BDSM

In chapter 8, I extolled the virtues of the butt plug as a sex toy, but it can also be used as a BDSM tool. For the tops: learn to think of a butt plug as your "proxy top," and use it to begin a scene in your absence. Send an email, or leave a voicemail message or a note with the following instructions: Put the [description here] butt plug in at 5:00 p.m. Whenever you shift or move and feel that plug in your ass, think of [fill in important thing here]. See you at 6:00. Once the bottom gets this missive, the scene has begun, and you're not even there! I like to give the butt plug a very specific meaning; that way, it accomplishes two tasks simultaneously: it helps the bottom become more aware of his or her ass and forces him or her to think about what's coming later. "Whenever you shift or move and feel that plug in your ass, think of…" The end of this sentence could be any number of things: my cock, the cane, my fist, your hands and legs bound—whatever it is you want the person to begin to anticipate. The possibilities are endless.

After the plug goes in, whether the bottom is at home or running an errand, he or she should be squirming in no time. Having several minutes or hours to ponder one's fate puts a bottom in a good frame of mind; having a plug in your bottom's ass means you don't have to begin at square one—it's already been warming up without you. I received a letter from a submissive whose Mistress wanted him to a wear a bigger plug because it would make him more submissive to her. I told him that a bigger plug would make him more aware of his ass, and, by extension, could help him focus on his dedication and service to his Mistress. But the size of a butt plug alone does not affect one's level of submission, and bigger does not always inspire better . If you would like your partner to wear it for longer than fifteen minutes, review the tips and techniques in chapter 14 for long-term butt plug wear.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Figging

> > Q: Have you heard of figging? Do you think it's safe to do?

> >
>

> > A: Rumored to have been practiced as early as the Victorian era (they were so kinky!), figging involves sticking a ginger root up someone's (or your own) ass, and most people I know do it in the context of a BDSM scene. The idea is that the ginger elicits an intense, long-lasting, burning sensation in the sensitive, delicate tissue of the rectum. I've heard of some Dominants who insert the root into a submissive's ass before a spanking, paddling, or caning. The longer the root is inside the butt, and the more blood that rushes to the area, the stronger the burning. Plus, any kind of movement—including clenching the sphincter muscles—increases the fiery feeling. This is not an activity for anal play novices or people with extra-sensitive behinds. While some bottoms say that figging feels warm and tingly, most report that the sensation is ten times more intense.

> >
>

> > There are a few safety tips that go along with this practice. You should begin with a fresh, whole ginger piece (also called a hand), and peel off the brown rough skin before slicing a finger to use for penetration. Because it obviously does not have a flared base (and therefore could get lost in the ass), select the largest piece you can find, and either carve out your own shape with a base or attach a string to it in order to make it easy to retrieve. After handling a peeled root, you shouldn't touch your eyes or your partner's eyes. Some figging fans say that lube can seal in the moisture and prevent it from releasing, thereby defeating the purpose, but you know my stance on lube: you need it! Other than those precautions, as with all perverted activities, use your common sense.

Anal Training

Like the use of butt plugs, anal training is a great way to both mentally reinforce the Dominant/submissive dynamic and physically prepare the ass for extended anal play. Anal training can be effective for bottoms who are beginners to anal pleasure or those who want to work their way up to extended play sessions, big toys, or fisting. Slow, methodical anal play, where you progress to the next step only when you've fully enjoyed the previous step, is a very effective tool. As you have more and more pleasurable experiences, you increase your chances of being able to take more in your ass for longer. Training can be a top's method of discipline and control over the bottom's body. If a bottom is especially scared, hesitant, or nervous about anal play, adding a Dominant/submissive training dynamic to your play can do wonders. A sense of obligation—the bottom needs to do it for you—can help motivate the bottom to get over his or her fear. Training brings structure to the experience, where each step is paced, and the bottom doesn't feel like he or she has to accomplish everything all at once. When you're able to set attainable goals for the bottom, and he or she meets those goals, the sense of accomplishment brings with it a newfound confidence.

If your bottom is nervous about anal play or lives far away from you, or if you like to give homework assignments, solo anal exercises can be a useful tool. Nervous bottoms often make more progress on their own at first because the pressure to please the top is taken out of the mix and they can focus on themselves. If top and bottom don't see each other often, it can be difficult to maintain sexual momentum and pick up where you left off; having the bottom do self-stimulation can keep his or her butt in shape until the next time you see each other. Assign anal masturbation exercises, where the bottom must play with fingers, plugs, or dildos on a regular schedule, track his or her progress, and report back to you.

The training method that I think works best is to set up a plan for the bottom. Decide if the action is going to be solo or in your presence, then create a regimen that calls for gradual increases in a number of elements. First, have the bottom start with one finger, a very small plug, or a slim dildo and play with it (in the case of the plug, wear it) for fifteen minutes. If using a toy, it should be something soft and flexible made of either latex, vinyl, or silicone. Continue the same "small" activity each day , adding fifteen minutes to the ritual. After a week, switch to two fingers or a toy that's slightly bigger, and start back at the fifteen-minute mark. Have the bottom work up to more time for another week. With each week, increase the size of the toy and the duration of the play session. Anal bead toys and others that have sections that graduate in size are great tools for training and tracking progress. Once the bottom reaches your goal, with each new week after that, instead of changing the size of the plug or dildo, just up the amount of time. Make sure you allow genital stimulation in addition to anal play to make the experience more pleasurable. Instruct the bottom that if anything hurts, he or she should go back down to the smaller-size plug, staying with it until he or she feels ready for more.

All the rules of anal play still apply: relaxation, plenty of lube, patience, et cetera. Proper anal training works on several fronts. It can condition the bottom's ass by getting it relaxed, open, and ready for more; plus, it can psychologically condition the bottom to be obedient, focused, and disciplined.

Psychological Play

Psychological play in BDSM is focused on the mind (some people call it mindfuck) and may or may not be combined with other types of play. Tops use mental tools like fear and terror, embarrassment, phobias, verbal abuse, interrogation, humiliation, and objectification to provoke, confuse, shock, intimidate, and elicit various emotions from bottoms. A top may attempt to push emotional buttons, screw with someone's sense of reality, trick, deceive, challenge, or dare a bottom.

In addition to being a physically exciting or intense experience, anal play can be very emotionally and psychologically charged; therefore, it is an ideal activity to incorporate into scenes with a psychological angle. Below I will show how some of the basic characteristics of anal sex I've discussed throughout the book can be used as a starting point to create or enhance a psychological play scene.

Quality: Anal sex is a special, unique activity. Scene: Ownership, control

For many people, anal sex may be something that they don't do every time they have sex. It may be something they've only done with one person. Taking this attribute to the next level, as a top, you can demand ownership of your bottom's ass. Tell the bottom that she or he cannot touch her or his ass without your permission and no one else can touch it either. The ass becomes a physical symbol of your dominance. You take control of that part of the bottom's body and you become the sole source of the bottom's anal pleasure. You can deny that pleasure for an hour , a day, a week, or a month, or indulge the pleasure as a reward for good behavior.

Quality: Anal sex requires a great deal of trust between partners. Scene: Dominance and submission, power exchange

There is an inherent power dynamic in the act of penetration. As the penetrator, you are putting part of your body (or some extension of you) into someone else's body. As the penetrated, you're opening up a delicate part of your body and taking something inside you. I believe there is power in both of these roles. The act of anal penetration can be a metaphor for dominance and submission. Fucking someone in the ass could be the ultimate act of dominance; you are invested with the power to enter, invade, and occupy a precious place. You have the power to harm or please. On the flipside, being fucked in the ass can be the ultimate act of submission. You relinquish a delicate, vulnerable part of your body to another person, you lie open and exposed, you surrender to a top's desire, control, and wishes.

Quality: Anal sex can test the boundaries of mind and body. Scene: Endurance, limit-testing

BDSM can be an exploration of the limits of the body and mind, and anal penetration can be an excellent manifestation of this metaphor. How much can you give? How much can you take? How long can you last? In some cases, the more you take, the more you want to be able to take, because once you transcend the fear of having something inside your ass, the sky's the limit.

In my workshops (and in the early chapters of this book), I counter the myths and misinformation that may prevent some people from beginning to explore anal eroticism. Over the years, I've worked with many people to overcome their fears and anxieties about their asses, so they can embrace this special spot as a source of sexual pleasure. This has meant getting over some of the negative baggage that is associated with all things anal. However, for kinky people, we can exploit these very same elements in developing hot mindfucking scenes. As a bottom, these elements aren't just a turn-on, but a way to explore your own boundaries with your top. Anal sex—the promise or the threat of it—can be a wonderful psychological tool. Let's revisit some of the myths from chapter 1 and see how they can be used to our advantage in consensual fantasy scenes.

Myth: Anal sex is dirty and messy. Scene: Shame, embarrassment, humiliation

In reality, we know that anal sex does not have to be messy at all. However, if your bottom is someone who is fastidiously clean, then you can play with the idea that his or her ass is filthy and disgusting. Use verbal taunts to push his buttons: tease her about soiling your white sheets and having to clean it up. When playing with a neat freak who also enjoys being embarrassed in an erotic context, this can be a great way for a top to make the most of his or her bottom's fear and shame around being dirty.

Myth: Anal sex hurts. Scene: Fright, danger, infliction of pain

The ass is a delicate area of the body that requires careful handling; in other words, you could hurt someone if you don't do it correctly. Does your bottom like to be scared with the possibility of pain or bodily harm? Does she get turned on by the thought of something dangerous being done to her? Fear is one of our most potent emotions, and one that can also arouse us in the right context. Threatening someone with using no lube, putting huge things in his or her ass without warm-up, or tearing up his or her insides can be part of scenes of terror, intimidation, or interrogation.

Myth: Anal sex is naughty. Scene: Naughtiness, punishment, discipline

I know a woman who merely needs to hear the words anal sex, and she is sent into a blushing state of mortification and arousal. The idea alone makes her feel like she's misbehaving and perverted. If your bottom likes to be a naughty boy or girl, anal sex can feed into a role-playing scene full of teasing, punishment, and other delicious possibilities.

> > Only a short while before, when
>  she had been kneeling half-naked
>  before René, and Sir Stephen had
>  opened her thighs with both his
>  hands, René had explained to Sir
>  Stephen why O's buttocks were so
>  easily accessible, and why he was
>  so pleased that they had been so
>  prepared: it was because it had
>  occurred to him that Sir Stephen
>  would enjoy having his preferred
>  path constantly at his disposal.

> > —PAULINE RÉAGE—

Maintaining the D/s Dynamic

In all situations, I recommend lots of communication during anal play, so partners can check in with one another about their needs and wants. But the typical kind of back-and-forth dialogue will not work while you're in Dominant/submissive role-play. A Daddy who's a strict disciplinarian doesn't ask, "How does that feel honey, am I hurting you?" And "Do you want me to put the bigger butt plug in now?" won't work coming from a controlling Mistress. Similarly, a submissive submitting to a Dominant can't direct, "Go slower, I don't like it so fast" or offer "Okay, I'm ready for more now." That kind of banter could throw off the power dynamic both of you want to create and maintain.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: From a DoMinatrix

> > Q: I'm a professional Dominatrix, and I have several clients who've asked me to put strange things in their asses. One who's into forced feminization and anal play requested that I insert tampons into his "pussy" (which is what he likes to call his ass when we play). I know that there is a risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome when tampons are used vaginally, and I am wondering if it can happen in the ass as well. Another brought in this enormous dildo that I just know is never going to go in his ass. What's a Domme to do?

> >
>

> > A: Toxic Shock Syndrome is a blood-borne bacterial infection caused by the bacteria staphylococcus. We most commonly hear about it in relation to using tampons, and symptoms can include fever, chills, vomiting, sore throat, headache, and more serious conditions. It is treated with intravenous antibiotics to prevent shock and kidney failure. TSS colonizes skin and mucous membranes, and the rectum is a mucous membrane; however, I had a difficult time locating any documented cases of TSS through the use of tampons anally. Since tampons are used to absorb moisture, it could be uncomfortable and dehydrating at the very least. As for the huge dildo client, well, it sounds like he has a syndrome that befalls lots of bottoms: their eyes are bigger than their orifices. I have an easy solution for you and anyone whose partner wants something in his or her ass that you know is either unsafe or potentially dangerous (like glass bottles, candles, baseball bats, just to name a few). Find a sex toy with a similar size and feel to the desired (but unadvisable) object. Wave the desired toy around, refer to it, talk about it. Then, blindfold your bottom, and do the ol' bait and switch, inserting the similar but far safer toy in the ass. Keep talking about the original object and spin the fantasy. If you're a good Dominant, you can convince a submissive of almost anything.

So, in addition to prior communication and negotiation, I recommend that tops find creative ways for both partners to communicate during a scene. For example, tell your bottom that when she's ready for another finger, a bigger toy, or whatever the next step is, she needs to ask for it, as in: "Sir, may I please have another finger?" You can also insist that she move onto whatever is penetrating her (a dildo, a plug, a penis) so that you've told her what to do, but she can do it at her own pace. Or maybe you're not that nice; in that case, make your bottom beg for each new thing. These simple shifts in language or in how you recast the exact same actions in different ways, lets the bottom communicate to the top about what she needs while simultaneously reinforcing the Dominant/submissive dynamic.

Penetration by Consensual Force

It may be rough sex, having penetration forced on the bottom, or acting out a rape fantasy . Whatever the scenario, I use the term "consensual force" deliberately. Force by definition means a lack of consent, but in a fantasy scene, both partners communicate and negotiate terms and limits before the scene, and the bottom consents to the force. Part of why and how consensual force can work is the deep trust between partners and the limits each one sets. The force is on the bottom's terms and either partner knows he or she can stop the scene for any reason. Because of the total submission and surrender to another that anal sex can imply, it can be a very hot part of a consensual force scene.

In one of my favorite scenes, a top put me in elaborate bondage that was a combination of leather restraints, rope, and Ace bandages. I was semimummified in the bandages, and I felt completely confined and nearly immobile. She had me facedown on the bed, and the only part of me exposed was my ass. She threatened to take me; to fuck my ass without warm-up, without lube, and without self-control. She went on and on about how I was going to take her big dick in my ass whether I liked it or not. Luckily for me, she put a butt plug in my ass while she barked at me, which helped me warm up and prepare my ass for its violation. When she took the plug out, I was ready for that big dick. As she was fucking me, she continually scolded me for being so naughty and wanting to be tied up and fucked in the ass. She was rough and nasty, and the frenetic energy of the scene was really hot. The best part was that I could surrender to anal sex "against my will," but still have the trust and safety because I knew my top would take care of me.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Pain on Purpose

> > Q: Receiving anal penetration and being sexually submissive have always been the focus of my sexual fantasies. More specifically, I like the anal penetration to be painful. We usually start with fingers, dildos, or plugs, but unlike everything else I've read, we use these to make me sore, not to warm me up, and we use as little lubrication as possible. I can only feel totally aroused when it begins to burn, sting, or ache and I feel I want my partner to stop. This particular pain, coupled with some light to medium flogging, is the one thing that makes me really orgasm. I also love the feeling of soreness the next day. I always recover after a day or so of restraint, but I am now worried after reading more about the do's and don'ts of anal sex that over time I could cause permanent damage to myself.

> >
>

> > A: It's incredibly brave of you to be so honest about your sexual desires and practices, especially when many people might see them as wrong and politically incorrect, even fellow BDSM players. I appreciate your candor, and I think that yours is an important letter, because I am sure you are not the only one out there. As kinky people who practice all kinds of BDSM, we know that there is a fine line between pleasure and pain, and that line is different for everyone. People who enjoy flogging, spanking, piercing, and other forms of intense sensation play know the high we get from the rush of endorphins, the thrill of pushing the limits of our bodies, and the orgasmic potential of these activities which nonkinky people may see as cruel and painful. As a community, BDSM players often reiterate ad nauseam that our activities are "safe, sane, and consensual" and we frown upon unsafe players. With most forms of sensation play, you can paddle, whip, beat, pierce, and cut fleshy, well-padded areas of the body. You should never strike joints, boney areas, areas around internal organs, the neck, head, or face.

> >
>

> > I think the anus would fall into the latter category as an area we shouldn't deliberately hurt. Unlike fleshy parts of our body that may redden, bruise, or bleed but eventually recover completely, the ass is not so resilient. The rectum is quite delicate, which is why sex educators like myself encourage people to go slow, warm the body up, and use plenty of lube. It's a matter of comfort—I assume that the majority of people do not want to experience pain through anal penetration. Anal sex has long been mythologized as violent and painful for women, and I am attempting to counteract that stereotype by teaching people to have pain-free anal penetration.

> >
>

> > Your desire for pain puts you in the minority, but that doesn't mean it is not valid. However, you need to know the risks of your practices. Through repeated penetration with little warm-up, no lube, or deliberate roughness, you can scrape or abrade the rectum, develop anal fissures, put yourself at risk for STD transmission, and cause permanent damage to your ass. Permanent damage could mean no more anal play at all, which doesn't sound like what you want. Yours is a difficult dilemma. I want you to do what turns you on and makes you come, but I don't want you to hurt yourself or damage your body in the process. I think you should explore other kinds of play that produce similar sensations for you, but happen on a less fragile part of the body. But even as I write that recommendation, I realize that part of the turn-on for you may be that you don't want to feel pain in the "safe" places on your body, but rather in the very places we're told are too delicate and off limits. You and your partner should explore new ways to approximate the pain sensations while still taking good care of your ass. For example, adding warm-up and lube to the equation will protect your body and won't necessarily prevent you from feeling the burn or the ache, especially with larger toys. You need to find that unique line for yourself where the sensation is intense enough to satisfy you, but you are mindful of not hurting yourself.

Scenes with mutually agreed upon forced sex of any kind, and especially those with forced anal sex, are delicate, complex, and tricky; they require a tremendous amount of trust between partners and plenty of prior negotiation. Before the scene begins, you and your partner should talk about what is okay and what isn't. Tops: reassure your bottom that she is free to use her safeword at any time if things aren't going well for her. As a top, remember that the goal is to use dominance and control with physical and psychological elements to create the fantasy for the bottom. Be sure your bottom is specific about the vibe of the scene. Does she want to feel a sense of surrender, of being taken against her will? Does she want to feel used, degraded, or humiliated? Does she want to be verbally abused? Ask if there are any particular words, actions, or scenarios that may trigger someone in a negative way; for example, I know a woman who suffered physical abuse as a child. As an adult, she likes to be spanked with a variety of implements except wooden spoons. For some people, yelling cannot be part of a rough scene. The idea is for both people to approach each other with respect and responsibility. Realize that setting these limits and discussing them beforehand still may not prevent someone from having an emotional response during a scene: be prepared so that if something comes up, you will be there to support your partner.

In addition to prior negotiation, creative communication during the scene also plays a big role, since the victim can't say "slow down" or "that hurts" when she is supposed to be at the mercy of her captor; likewise, the captor can't say "how are you doing?" or "is this okay?" as he tortures his victim.

As the top, you can threaten to have your way with her, fuck her without lube, and rip her a new asshole, but in reality, no anal penetration should happen without working your way up. BDSM can be a way to explore the edges of pleasure and pain, but these practices should never be confused with anal sex being painful. Anal sex shouldn't hurt at all; if it does, you're not using enough lube or you're rushing it. Actually forcing anal penetration can cause damage to the delicate lining of the anus and rectum. But in this kind of scene, you don't necessarily want to begin with a gentle finger and your usual foreplay routine. One solution I recommend: have the bottom do her own warm up, which may include wearing a butt plug for some length of time, before the scene. This way, her ass is prepared for some heavy play when she arrives. (For tips on long-term butt plug wear, see chapter 14.)

That still doesn't mean that you can stick your giant cock inside her right off the bat, however. You'll have to figure out imaginative ways to warm up her ass even as you're forcing yourself on her. Here's where I employ a technique I call "I'm going to stick every single thing in this room up your ass." I carefully place two kinds of items around the room: ones I will use (small, medium, large toys) and ones I will only threaten to use (wine bottles, plungers, nightsticks). As the scene progresses, I give the illusion that I am grabbing anything in sight and sticking it into my bottom's butt; in reality, I have carefully planned the order of each toy. I create the sense of urgency, of sexual use, of taking her, while still taking care of my bottom in a responsible way. The trick is to capture the spirit of force, degradation, and surrender, while still maintaining the principles of safety: be patient, go slow, use lots of lube, and listen to the bottom's verbal and nonverbal cues.

With any highly-charged scene like this one, be prepared for emotions to be intense and issues to come up. No matter how much you prepare and communicate beforehand, either partner can experience intense feelings like rage, sadness, and fear during a scene like this. Be prepared to stop if you need to, and make time to check in with one another afterward.

Erotic Enema Play

For some, an enema is a means to an end, a cleansing ritual and that's all. For others, it's a very erotic experience, and there are plenty of websites, erotic stories, and videos devoted to erotic enema play that prove that the desire is not uncommon. Some people get off on the sensation an enema creates. Think about it: water rushing into your ass is another form of penetration, and there are plenty of butt plug-like nozzles to enhance the penetration. An erotic enema can be part of fantasy role-playing, like a medical scene with a nurse and patient or an "age play" scene where one partner plays a kid and the other an authoritative figure like Daddy , Mommy, or a nanny. These scenes often involve some form of regression back to a helpless, innocent, or primal state where the bathroom is the site of shame, curiosity, and growth and toilet training is a highly-charged ritual. Giving someone an enema can be part of different BDSM scenes to symbolize a Dominant's control over his or her submissive's body and bodily functions, to reinforce someone's submission, to humiliate or shame someone, or to inflict intentional discomfort. If you're going to engage in the latter—give someone a cold water enema to produce cramping and discomfort on purpose—the water should be cool but never freezing. Like any other scene, negotiation and communication are crucial elements to an erotic enema. All the recommendations from chapter 5 apply to erotic enemas as well.

NOTE

1 For more information on how to do these and other BDSM activities safely, there are dozens of books on the subject, both with general overviews (like SM 101 and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns) and very specific topics (like The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and The Compleat Spanker). Find out if there is a local BDSM support group or organization in your community where you can meet other kinky people. You may want to go to a play party or a local club, where you can see people engaged in BDSM. If you see something you'd like to know more about, don't interrupt anyone's scene, but wait until they are finished and politely ask some questions. Attending BDSM workshops and demonstrations is another great way to learn safe techniques from skilled and experienced BDSM practitioners. See Resource Guide for more information.

QUOTES

Violet Blue, "Prelude to a Spanking" in Naughty Spanking Stories From A to Z, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Point Reyes, CA: Pretty Things Press, 2004), xii.

Pauline Réage, Story of O, translated by Sabine d'Estree (New York: Grove Press, 1965), 83.