Input: Write a chapter for a book about butt bondage and long-term butt plug wear. Begin by discussing the appeal of wearing a butt plug for an extended period of time, including personal anecdotes and experiences. Provide tips for wearing a butt plug, such as selecting a flexible material and building up the amount of time gradually. Address the issue of keeping the plug in place, and discuss various methods for doing so, including thong underwear, butt plug harnesses, and bondage tape. Provide detailed instructions for creating a bondage tape butt plug harness, as well as guidelines for genital bondage. Discuss the pros and cons of different types of harnesses, including rope, leather, and bondage tape. Address the question of how long it is safe to wear a butt plug. Include illustrations of different types of harnesses.

Response:
CHAPTER 14

Butt Bondage: Long-Term Butt Plug Wear

As I said in chapter 8, many people love the feeling of fullness you get from having a butt plug in your ass. Some people like to extend that pleasure by wearing a butt plug for a period of time. My friend Susan wears a butt plug on long traveling excursions by car and train; she says it makes the time go faster.

Other people use plugs to warm up for whatever's coming later, and like to keep them in for a while. I know another woman who likes to wear a butt plug out on a date, in order to begin foreplay over dinner at a restaurant. Through each course of the meal, she is reminded of her ass, and with every shift in her seat, she prepares her ass for bigger things to come.

Some plug lovers wear a butt plug out in public just for the hell of it. Butt plugs may hide in dark places, but they are not shy about going out on the town. Wearing a butt plug under my clothes in public can be naughty, exciting, and make running errands an ecstatic experience. It's my little secret, one the rest of the world doesn't know. When the bus hits a pothole or I shift in my seat on the subway, I get a little thrill. The next time you're on a really long line at the bank or in a stressful place like Kinko's, look around. Find the person who appears most serene, with a wide smile on his or her face, and you've discovered the one who's wearing a butt plug.

Tips for Wearing a Butt Plug

Wearing a butt plug for an extended period of time in private or out in public can be hot, fun, and sexy , and here are a few tips to make it even better. First, select a plug made of a flexible material, like rubber, jelly, or silicone; if you're going to have it in for a while, you want it to move with you and be as comfortable as possible. You should work your way up slowly. Use common sense: if you've only ever had a plug in for fifteen minutes, don't try it for four hours. Begin by wearing a butt plug for about twenty minutes; see how it feels, how you like it, what works and what doesn't. If your twenty-minute excursion goes well, try a half hour next time. Continue building up the amount of time (in reasonable increments) that you wear the plug.

You should be aware of a butt plug, but it should not feel uncomfortable or painful at all. Like anything else you put in your ass, the butt plug should be well-lubricated. You may want to consider taking it out every hour, relubing it and reinserting it. Some of you purists may consider this cheating, (if you're keeping track of how long you can keep it in) but keep in mind that the lube will be absorbed by your body eventually, and the plug may get uncomfortable. Silicone lubes won't dry up like water-based ones, but remember you cannot use them with a silicone butt plug.

Keeping It In

If you're going to be wearing a butt plug, you want to make sure it stays put, and there are many different ways to do that. Exploring different methods for keeping it in and creating something to do the job can be sexy activities you can do alone or share with a partner. Things to consider when choosing are: how you want whatever it is to look, how much time and money you want to spend on it, and how secure you want it to be.

The simplest, most affordable way to keep a plug in is to wear a tight-fitting pair of thong underwear. (If you're worried that all thongs are lacey and feminine, have no fear: they make men's thongs too.) They're easy to get, easy to put on, and, if you're wearing them out in public, no one will ever know. Depending on how they fit and the base of the plug, there could be some slippage, which is the only downside to this method.

If you're not content with a simple thong or want something more secure, you can use a butt plug harness. Harnesses come in different styles, and some can be purchased, while others are do-it-yourself. Using a harness tends to be more complicated and costly. Because wearing a harness to secure a butt plug is a form of bondage—whether done to you by you or by another person—let's first review some basic guidelines for bondage.

Bondage 101

Restraining a person or a part of their body can be an incredibly erotic experience. For the top, bondage can be an expression of power and control; for the bottom, bondage may symbolize their submission and surrender. When it comes to genital bondage or butt bondage (using a harness to keep a butt plug in the ass), it can be especially intimate.

In addition to the physical sensations of having rope or another material rubbing up against your genitals, there can be deep psychological components for the bottom: you may feel particularly submissive since such an intimate part of your body—the ass—has been stuffed and made off limits to others. Someone has tied up your private parts, and that person is the only one who can set them free. For the top, bondage can be symbolic of ownership of the bottom's ass: no one can get near it because you've blocked the entry. You may require the bottom to ask permission to go to the bathroom. However you structure the scene and the dynamic, here are some important guidelines for genital bondage:

When you're working on binding the backside, it's also going to involve the genitals, so make sure important parts—balls, urethra, clitoris, pussy—are not constricted.

Communicate with the bottom, monitor his or her breathing, body language, and circulation. If you put a bottom in bondage then send him off on errands, only do so with an experienced bondage bottom. Bondage of any kind can produce intense physical and emotional reactions, and you don't want your bottom to fall or faint without you there.

Bondage should feel snug and secure but should never be tight or constricting; it should never cut off the circulation. If you can't slip two fingers comfortably between the bondage and the person's skin, it's too tight.

As with any form of bondage, if you're going to bind a part of someone's genital area, make sure there is a fail-safe way to get out of the bondage quickly in case of an emergency, even if that means destroying the harness. Have safety scissors nearby to cut tape or rope off.

Bondage Tape Butt Plug Harness

Bondage tape is a unique invention that can be used for all your bondage needs, including creating a harness to keep a butt plug in. It's relatively inexpensive and available at sex toy stores and websites. Made of shiny PVC, bondage tape comes in different colors and one roll contains more than 60 feet of tape. It adheres to itself, but won't stick to anything else, like delicate skin, hair, or furniture. Because it is exactly like tape (except it's not sticky), you don't need a lot of skill to use it. It doesn't always give a perfect snug fit and can shift around, especially when used in the genital area. If you plan to remove the plug with it on, it may be tricky to put back in. Depending on the fit, this harness may not be ideal if you're going to be doing a lot of physical activity or going out in public.

Illustration 17: Bondage Tape Butt Plug Harness

This harness is made of one continuous piece of tape; you do not need to cut the bondage tape until the very last step. Make sure you already have a well-lubed butt plug in the person's ass before you begin unrolling the tape. The tape may not lie completely flat against a person's skin; it may bunch. That's normal and not a problem as long as it's not uncomfortable.

Bondage Tape Harness Instructions

Start by holding the end of the tape on the hip bone, then wrap the roll completely around the waist once. Go past the beginning piece and stop directly over the tailbone (or just above the asscrack).

Duck the roll of tape behind the waist piece by going over the top of it, then unroll the tape straight down between the legs.

Pull the tape up between the legs in the front of the body just to the left of the pussy or cock.

Continue straight up to the front waist piece and duck the roll behind it by going over the top of it once. Unroll the tape back down between the legs following the same path the tape came from.

Duck the roll of tape behind the waist piece in back by going over the top of it.

Bring the roll straight back down between the legs, then pull the tape up between the legs in the front of the body just to the right of the pussy or cock.

Continue straight up to the front waist piece and duck the roll behind it by going over the top of it once. Unroll the tape back down between the legs following the same path the tape came from.

When you bring it back up to the waist piece in the back, before you loop it back behind you can cut it, leaving about 6 extra inches.

Take the end piece and loop it around the waist piece two times, then tuck it away.

Although bondage tape is reusable, because you've used it on and around genitals, I recommend you cut it off and throw it away.

Rope Bondage Harness

For all you rope bondage enthusiasts, putting a genital rope harness on a partner not only will keep a butt plug in his or her ass, but will give you a chance to get creative with designs and knots. If you're going to parade your bottom around at a party, you can use nylon, cotton, or hemp rope according to your taste; nylon rope is probably the most popular since it's readily available, inexpensive, and comes in many colors. Provided it's done well, a rope harness is more secure than one made of bondage tape, but it obviously takes more skill and time to put on. A rope harness can be worn underneath clothing, although if you want to completely conceal it, it takes some more creative dressing to make sure the texture of the rope and any knots aren't visible.

One of the wonderful things about a rope harness is that when the person wearing it moves, the rope rubs against both the plug in his or her ass and the genitals; not only is a rope harness functional, it can also be very arousing. If you use rope, make sure it's not too tight and that it's soft rope that doesn't chafe or burn. Don't make complicated knots that are not easy to remove in case you have to undo them a hurry.

Illustration 18: Rope Bondage Butt Plug Harness

There are many different variations of a genital rope harness, and what follows is simply one style.1 In this harness, the actual length of the rope will depend on the size of the body but you will most likely need 15 feet or more. Make sure you already have a well-lubed butt plug in the person's ass before you begin the rope harness.

Rope Harness Instructions

Start by folding your piece of rope in half. Hold the end that is folded on the stomach just below the belly button.

Wrap the tails around the body, bringing them back around to meet the folded end in front of the body.

Tuck the tails through the loop of the folded end and pull all the way through so the waist piece is now tight.

Tie a simple hitch by tucking the tail ends up behind the waist piece and then back down through itself (this should now enable the waist piece to remain in place hands-free).

Bring the tail ends down between the legs making sure that one piece is on either side of the cock or pussy .

Bring the rope directly up between the buttcheeks so that it presses firmly against the base of the butt plug. Loop the tail ends behind the waist piece in back once.

Take the tail piece on the left side and pull it around your waist to the right.

Take the tail piece from the right side and pull it around your waist to the left.

Bring both tail pieces back to the front of the body.

In the front of the body, loop each piece around the rope that runs between the legs and pull the tails tightly. (This will help to both tighten the harness and keep the genital area fully exposed.)

Finish the harness by tying off the ends right there or by bringing both tail pieces back around to the back of the body and tying them to each other .

When you're done, you can untie the rope harness. Because it has touched genitals and possibly bodily fluids, you should clean the rope after use; you can put it in a lingerie bag in the washing machine on the gentle cycle with a mild detergent and some bleach (color-safe bleach if the rope isn't white). Dry it on a line in long loops.

Leather Butt Plug Harness

You can purchase a leather butt plug harness at specialty leather and sex toy shops and websites (see illustrations 19 and 20). It looks very similar to a dildo harness and has a strap that runs between the buttcheeks; some designs have a piece attached to the strap that holds the base of the butt plug. Because they were designed to keep a butt plug in place, these harnesses are perfect for the job. They come in a variety of styles, and the two most popular are the plain front (ideal if the plug wearer has a pussy) or the cock ring style (for those with a cock, of course). Most come with adjustable buckles. A butt plug harness is the easiest of all harnesses to put on and take off by yourself since you don't need any assistance. There is also a locking style, where each buckle has a small metal ring for a small lock.

Illustration 19: Leather Butt Plug Harness (Plain Front)

How Long Is Too Long?

So exactly how long is it safe to leave a butt plug in your ass? The literal answer is that you can leave a butt plug in for the amount of time from one bowel movement to another. This can be several hours, half a day, twenty-four hours, or more, depending on the person, so taking the question literally is not necessarily practical.

As I said before, you should work your way up to longer time increments. If you get experienced wearing butt plugs for longer periods of time, you can probably safely wear one for about six hours. Make sure to relube it periodically, and if you feel any discomfort, take it out. If your goal is to warm up your ass for something sizable there is such a thing as wearing a plug for too long. If you keep it in for several hours, when it comes out, your ass may have had enough stimulation and penetration, and the evening is over.

Illustration 20: Leather Butt Plug Harness (With Cock Ring)

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Harnessed for Dinner

> > Q: My partner and I are in a permanent Dominant/submissive relationship, and have been experimenting with anal sex for over two years now. We both get a lot of pleasure out of it. He likes to have me wear a locking harness to keep a butt plug in place while we go out to dinner and a movie. The trouble is, after about an hour, I need to use the restroom and must remove it. What can I do prior to "harnessing up" that will allow me to be able to wear the harness for a longer time? Should I change my diet prior to the excursion?

> >
>

> > A: The amount of time you can wear a butt plug depends upon your personal bathroom schedule, and everyone's particular timetable varies greatly. It sounds like you're an evening bathroom-goer, and that shortly after eating, you have to go to the bathroom. In order to prolong your butt plug wearing, I suggest that dinnertime be moved. You could eat dinner, wait to have a bowel movement, then get locked in your harness for several hours. Or perhaps you can have an outing with the butt plug in your ass that doesn't involve food, then, after the scene is over, treat yourself to a meal. If the outing must include dinner, than perhaps your top should insist that you watch him eat, while you're limited to water only (sorry to give him tips from my sadistic top self, but you did ask). If you're a good girl, maybe he'll feed you after you've held that butt plug in long enough!

NOTE

1 For other genital rope harnesses (as well as great information on bondage), see The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori (Oakland, CA: Greenery Press, 2001), 131-134, and Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook (Oakland, CA: Greenery Press, 2000), 227-236.


Input: Write a chapter for a book about anal fisting, also known as handballing. Discuss the history of anal fisting, including its association with the gay leather community and the infamous hanky code. Address common misconceptions about anal fisting, such as the belief that it will make you bleed excessively or damage your rectum. Discuss the importance of preparation and safety, including the use of lubricants and gloves. Provide tips for communicating with your partner and managing expectations. Discuss the use of Crisco and other oil-based lubricants, as well as the risks associated with them. Discuss different positions for anal fisting, including missionary, doggie-style, and legs over shoulders. Provide tips for gradually working your way in, including the use of butt plugs and fingers. Discuss the importance of aftercare, including the risk of soreness, bleeding, and cramping. Discuss the mental and emotional aspects of anal fisting, including the importance of being in the right frame of mind. Discuss the spiritual and emotional benefits of anal fisting, including the feeling of being alive, amazed, and deeply connected to your body and partner.

Response:
CHAPTER 15

The Art of Anal Fisting

Anal fisting, also known as handballing, is the gradual process of fitting an entire hand in the ass. The term itself can be misleading—you don't just make a fist and stick it in someone's butt. In fact, there may not be a fist at all: depending on your hand position, your fingers could be straight out or overlapped, but not curled down at all. People who like a feeling of fullness and pressure in their tushes and like to play with big toys may also dig being fisted. Fisting takes a large amount of everything that anal sex requires: desire, patience, relaxation, communication, trust, and, of course, lube. Fisting requires time, practice, and experience, and should not be attempted until after you have mastered the basics of anal penetration. When done safely and properly, fisting can be an incredibly intense, pleasurable experience for both partners.

It is believed that people have engaged in fisting for decades before the sexual revolution, but the recorded history of it in Western culture dates to the late sixties. In the late 1960s and 1970s, gay and bisexual men popularized the practice of anal fisting, especially in bathhouses and sex parties in cities like San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York. Because these particular communities were doing it, teaching it, and writing about it, fisting became associated with gay men, especially leathermen, or those who practice BDSM. Anal fisting was represented in the infamous S/M hanky code by a red hanky (worn on the left by fisters, on the right by fistees), making it easier for fisting fans to find one another as well as solidifying fisting's association with BDSM.1

While anal fisting can be incorporated into BDSM and many consider it an intense exchange of power between two people, it does not have to involve BDSM nor is it done exclusively by people who do BDSM. Queer kinky guys pioneered anal fisting and passed on their experience and wisdom to younger generations; however, lesbians and straight men and women have also had their hands in the mix. Many of them learned about techniques and safety from gay male friends and erotica. Today, while not as common as other forms of anal eroticism, anal fisting is practiced by kinky and nonkinky people of all sexual orientations from all walks of life. In fact, the majority of folks who come to my anal fisting workshops are heterosexual men and women.

My Personal Philosophy

In 1999, I was invited to co-teach a workshop on anal fisting with a gay leatherman who has written and taught about the practice. This guy has been putting his hands in men's asses for many years, and he wrote a book on the subject. He is one of the godfathers of ass fisting. We communicated by email before the conference, and planned to meet over breakfast to discuss the class together . But, as often happens at conferences, we each got pulled in other directions, and couldn't connect before our scheduled seminar. So, we arrived at the class, each with our own outline for a fisting workshop, ready to go with the flow . Since he was older and wiser than me, I let him take the lead. He began by saying that he usually liked to smoke a joint to help him and his partner relax for a fisting scene. Wow, I thought, if there is any smoke involved in my fisting, it's probably incense, to set a sensual mood. As we continued, our differences became more and more obvious.

"Then, I like to play some deep trance music," he continued. I'm more a fan of the mellow , ethereal music of Jane Siberry.

"We'll have a glass of red wine…." Bottled water, noncarbonated, I suggested.

He brought out a large tub of Crisco, his lubricant of choice. I had my super-size bottle of thick, water-based lube with the pump attachment.

Then he moved on to poppers. Poppers, also known as amyl nitrate or butyl nitrite, are illegal (but relatively easy to obtain) drugs that you inhale. Old-school fisters swear by poppers, and consider them not just a step in their own process but one of the steps they teach. (See sidebar on fisting and poppers.)

> > Fisting and Poppers

> > POPPERS HAVE A LONG HISTORY associated with anal fisting, especially among gay men. Poppers are the popular term for various types of alkyl nitrites, including amyl nitrate, butyl nitrites, and isobutyl nitrites. Although they are illegal drugs, they are often sold as video head cleaners and are pretty easy to obtain. People inhale them to enhance sexual pleasure. Poppers cause vasodilation, a widening of blood vessels which allows increased blood flow; the body responds by speeding up the heart rate and lowering the blood pressure. When blood rich in oxygen reaches the brain, most people feel a rush which lasts for a few minutes. Poppers are not an aphrodisiac, but they do relax the sphincter muscles, which can help make anal penetration or fisting easier, which is why they are used during sex.

> > Poppers will cause your ass to relax temporarily, but, like any other drug, they also alter your physical and emotional state and your judgment. Poppers may lead you to go beyond what your body's limits are under normal circumstances, which could have a variety of negative consequences, both physical and emotional.

> > Poppers can cause skin rashes, weakness, headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, feelings of falling or spinning, and loss of erection; studies show that they reduce immune system functioning for several days after use. People with compromised immune systems, heart problems, low or high blood pressure, anemia, or who are pregnant, should never use poppers. Studies show that combining poppers with other drugs (like cocaine or ecstasy) can be extremely dangerous, and using poppers with Viagra or Cialis can cause a fatal drop in blood pressure.

In terms of our theory and practice of fisting, we were night and day. The workshop could have been a disaster. But it turned out to be a true meeting of the minds and asses, a unique bridging of different perspectives, genders, and generations. I learned a great deal from him, especially about techniques and the spirituality of fisting. He is a fisting legend and he represents a community of gay leathermen who were the first to put fisting on the map; they created sex clubs and other spaces in which to do it, they wrote about it, they documented it on video. Theirs is a rich, layered history, an old-school style of fisting learned, taught, and passed down from generation to generation by gay men. That history obviously informs mine.

I learned anal fisting from dykes, and I primarily teach it to queer and straight women and straight men. I have developed my own methods for over ten years. In writing about the experience, I coined the term New School Fister/Fistee to describe my own personal philosophy about the subject. I believe that fisting can happen without using anything to alter our minds or bodies—I like to start from a place of being fully present and sober, since the act itself is mind- and body-altering. I'm not saying that my way is better than old school or any other way, it's just my way. As with everything else in sexuality, I encourage you to take what works for you from all different sources and experiences, and create your own path.

Preparation and Safety

Over the years, many people have asked me if they should change their diet or fast before being fisted. I don't recommend that people fast before sex of any kind, and especially not anal fisting, which can take several hours. Fasting can disrupt many of your body's natural processes, throwing everything out of whack. Besides the fact that it's never ideal to have sex while lightheaded and hungry , fasting can cause a drop in blood sugar levels, headaches, nausea, and other symptoms that will leave you feeling sick—the exact opposite of how you want to feel going into a fisting session.

So you should not refrain from eating, but should you change your eating habits? Everyone's digestive system is different, so there is no universal rule of thumb. When it comes to how your gastrointestinal system works, you know your ass, your bathroom schedule, and your regularity better than anyone else. However, there are a few general guidelines that apply to almost everyone. You should have a bowel movement before anal penetration in order to empty your bowels and "clear the runway" for anal play. Eating a big meal before a hot anal sex date is probably not the best idea since it's likely to stimulate digestion. In addition, if you have a particularly sensitive system, then avoid foods that are spicy or especially hard for your body to digest. You may want to also steer clear of foods with small seeds—like strawberries, raspberries, seeded bagels, and breads—since they are not digested in the upper intestinal tract. When they enter the rectum during a bowel movement, they can linger there, causing discomfort during penetration.

If you're going to be fisted, an enema is a necessity. When you're talking about fitting someone's entire hand inside your ass, hygiene is not your only concern. An enema will clean out your rectum including any stray fecal matter that could make the experience uncomfortable. Plus, since there is a greater chance of some trauma to the rectal tissue (including small tears), you want to make sure that you're as clean as you can be. You should use either an enema bag or a shower attachment (rather than the bulb syringe or bottle) for deeper cleaning. Follow the rules of enemas from chapter 5, making sure that you leave two hours or more between your enema and your fisting date to give your ass a chance to recover and regenerate that thin layer of mucous that protects the delicate rectum.

Speaking of cleanliness, since you're about to be using a whole lot of lube, it's a good idea to think about another kind of tidying-up in advance. Whether it's a bed, a bondage bench, or a sling, covering it with a towel or a disposable absorbent bed pad will protect it from unwanted spills and make post-fisting cleaning quicker and easier.2 Also, keep a box of baby wipes nearby to catch lube spills and deal with any mess.

Contrary to some popular misconceptions, being anally fisted will not make you bleed excessively, damage your rectum, stretch out your anus, or rupture your intestines—if you do it correctly. It's important for both partners to take certain precautions to protect themselves from discomfort or injury, as well as the transmission of STDs. The risks of STD transmission outlined in chapter 6 and discussed in chapter 17 for penetration with fingers apply to fisting; however, it's much more likely that fisting could cause small tears in the rectal tissue and/or bleeding.

For the fister, it's important to wear a latex or nonlatex glove, whether or not you usually wear gloves for manual penetration. Gloves will make penetration much more comfortable for the fistee, and protect both of you should any tearing or bleeding occur during fisting. Even though you'll be wearing a glove, it is critical that your nails be short and well-filed with no sharp edges. If you have long nails (real or acrylic) that you don't want to sacrifice in order to fist someone, then remember to stuff cotton in the tips of the fingers or wrap your nails in gauze before putting on a glove. Since the average glove ends at your wrist, I suggest a longer glove for fisting. You can purchase gloves of longer lengths at medical, dental, and sex supply stores and websites. (See sidebar and Resource Guide for more information.)

Previously, some sex educators and organizations recommended wearing two gloves on one hand as a safer sex precaution (if a glove tore during sex, you were still protected by the one underneath it) or for quicker transition between orifices (you could go from ass to pussy without much interruption by simply peeling off the top glove). We know that wearing two condoms creates friction between condoms and increases the chance of a tear. Although gloves are made of a thicker form of latex or nonlatex material than condoms, there is anecdotal evidence that wearing two gloves can do the same: produce friction between the gloves that can lead to a higher chance of breakage or tearing. Stick to one glove at a time, but pay close attention, and change gloves immediately if you notice a tear or hole.

> > Finding Extra-Long Gloves

> > Standard gloves are about 9" long, extra-long gloves are 12". When looking for extra-long gloves, look for terms like "XP," "extra protection" and "highrisk use," which signify gloves that are thicker, have reinforced fingertips, are longer, or have some combination of these qualities. Here are some options and sources:

> >
>

> > LATEX: www.cottonballs.com, www.kinkymedical.net, www.eqplus.com, www.grogans.com

> >
>

> > NEOPRENE/CHLOROPRENE: SemperCare CRX (12"), www.cottonballs.com, www.grogans.com, www.fishersci.com

> >
>

> > NITRILE: Kimberly Clark SafeSkin Nitrile XTRA (12"), www.fishersci.com

> >
>

> > VINYL: Maxxim SensiCare XP, www.cottonballs.com

> >
>

> > OTHER: Mr. S has its own line of latex gloves for fisting; they are like bondage mitts, totally enclosed with no fingers, and come in three lengths. Find them at www.mr-s-leather.com.

Keep It Real: Communication and Expectations

We're back to that C-word again, the one we return to again and again throughout this book—communication. Communication is a fundamental part of anal fisting, since it is an intense activity that tests the limits of our bodies and minds. Before you actually try this erotic endeavor, it's important to have an honest discussion about it. Tell your partner about your goals, expectations, and any fears you may have; get them out on the table so you can talk them through. Each partner should be clear about his or her level of experience with anal play and anal fisting. It's okay to be a novice, as long as you let your partner know in advance. If you've tried it before, discuss what worked and what didn't. The more information both of you have, the better off you'll be.

> > She pushed. A ripple descended
>  from behind her breast bone,
>  amplified, became a wave of
>  desperate hard contractions. Kay
>  had a grim, fixed smile on her face.
>  She hung on to Roxanne's thigh
>  with one hand and kept the other
>  one wedged firmly in her asshole.
>  Her rectum opened, closed,
>  opened wider, and Kay slid in. Her
>  querulous asshole flattened out
>  and disappeared. It felt as if her
>  body had swallowed the advancing
>  hand, sucked it in instead of
>  struggling to repel it. Now it was
>  folded up neatly inside her, a
>  miracle, no pain at all, just the gift,
>  the blessing of someone entering
>  and pleasuring this forbidden part
>  of her body. Kay had made this
>  new channel, made it part of her
>  just by touching it. Her lungs hurt.
>  Had she been shouting?

> > —PAT CALIFIA—

Fisting requires trust, patience, and a substantial time commitment. Even with all the skill and patience in the world, the ass can have a mind of its own, and sometimes, it just doesn't happen. Be prepared for that, so if you don't get to the whole hand-chilada, it won't surprise and disappoint you. It's important for both of you to have realistic expectations, whether it's your first try or your fourteenth. The less pressure you place on yourself and your partner, the more likely it will be to happen. But nothing will happen without verbal and nonverbal signals between you and your partner. As the fister, it's important to continually check in with your partner, make sure she/he is comfortable, and get her feedback about what you're doing. The fistee needs to direct the action, tell your partner if you need to slow down or stop, and be clear about when it's okay to proceed to the next step.

There's No Such Thing as Too Much Lube

Some fisting aficionados swear by Crisco or other oil-based or vegetable-based lubricants—like Boy Butter, Elbow Grease, ID Cream, or Men's Cream—for fisting (see sidebar on page 162 for more on Crisco). Oil-based and vegetable-based lubes are very thick and don't dry up like their water-based counterparts. Although I cautioned against them in chapter 7, if your fistee is a guy, with one orifice, and you just adore this kind of lube, then it is safe to use for fisting him. Although it's difficult to clean up, it will flush out of the rectum when he has a bowel movement. Just make sure you use nonlatex (nitrile, vinyl/polyurethane, neoprene) gloves and condoms on toys, since these lubes can break down latex. If tiny holes develop, they can cause the latex to weaken, break, and be ineffective. Sticking your hand in a can of Crisco (or a tub, which many of the lubes mentioned come in) will leave that container full of bacteria. With a clean spoon or scoop, scoop smaller amounts of lube out of the original container and into a separate one, which you can throw away after the fisting.

As I said in chapter 7, if the person you're fisting has two holes, then you should never use oil-based or vegetable-based lube in either one. Since anal fisting requires so much lube, it's likely that some of the lube will find its way to the pussy. When these lubes are introduced into the pussy, they are impossible to flush out. They become a breeding ground for vaginal infection.

My preference is for a thick water-based lube that is the consistency of hair gel. Just as these lubes are ideal for anal penetration, they work great for fisting. I prefer one that contains glycerin—brands like Astroglide Gel, Probe Thick and Rich, or J-Lube—since that ingredient helps the lube stay wet longer. If your ass is sensitive or allergic to glycerin, then try Maximus or a silicone lube.

If you're a fan of silicone lubes, then I recommend Eros Silicone Gel or Eros Cream, since Eros Original and some other brands of silicone-based lubricant are far too thin and slick to do the job for fisting; they allow too much friction, which can lead to discomfort. Keep in mind that silicone lubes are not compatible with silicone toys, so if you are planning to use silicone toys to warm up the ass before fisting, use a condom on them.

Some people like to combine two different kinds of lubes; for example, you can add a few drops of silicone lube to increase the staying power of a water-based lube while still getting the benefits of the texture of the thicker lube. If you add silicone lube to any water-based lube, then consider it a silicone lube and follow guidelines about not using it on silicone toys without a condom. Whatever lube you choose, never use one that contains nonoxynol-9, as it is more likely to irritate the rectal tissue and make fisting uncomfortable or painful.

You want whatever it is you're using to penetrate someone's ass—your fingers, a toy, your cock—to be coated in lube. Each time you introduce another finger, or readjust, add more lube. Be generous and remember that more lube equals more comfort and easier penetration for the fistee. In order to prepare the ass for what's to come, I also like to make sure I get lube way up inside the rectum. Once you're in the heat of the fisting, you don't want to have to slide your hand all the way out, relube, then work on getting all the way back in again. This not only breaks the momentum, but it can stress the sphincter muscles as well.

There are several tools I use to shoot lube up someone's ass so it's waiting for me when I finally get my whole hand (or almost my whole hand) inside. The Lube Shooter is a disposable plastic syringe (with a flared base) that was designed for this very purpose. Simply remove the plunger, fill the syringe with lube, and replace the plunger. Before you put it in someone's ass, push the plunger down a little to begin the flow of lube and let any air out. Lube the plastic tip of the syringe and gently insert it into the ass. Push the plunger down gently to release the lube. You can refill it and repeat. When you're done, throw it away. Astroglide makes an even more convenient product called the Astroglide Shooter. It's a soft plastic 5 ml tube of lube with a long neck for easy insertion. You don't need to fill these and they can be more comfortable for some people since they are made of softer plastic than the Lube Shooter. Twist off the tab, lube the tip, and slide it in. You can also use disposable plastic irrigation syringes that come in different sizes (commonly 50, 60, or 100 ml) and are available at medical supply stores and some specialty sex product websites.

If you like the look of metal, are into medical toys, or simply want to use something that looks a lot more menacing than a small plastic syringe, then I recommend a stainless steel syringe—often called an enema syringe or a lube syringe—which you can find on medical fetish and other specialty sex product websites. It holds a lot more lube than the plastic ones and has a decidedly more daring aesthetic. Made of polished metal, it comes with two interchangeable tips (pointy and rounded) and is available in several different sizes; the most common are 100 cubic centimeters (cc) and 200 cc (which are equivalent to 100 ml and 200 ml). The 200-cc syringe is the size of a large, thick dildo, so it should only be used on very experienced bottoms. To use it, pull back the plunger, then unscrew the top and fill the body with lube. Replace the top, then push the plunger down a little to begin the flow of lube and let any air out before you insert it. Then lube the tip, carefully insert it into the ass, and push the plunger down. To clean the syringe, take it apart, and wash it gently with warm water and antibacterial soap. Since this toy has a bunch of nooks and crevices, I like to go one step further and soak it for a few minutes in a diluted bleach solution (10 parts water, 1 part bleach). Make sure you dry all the parts completely, since if left damp, they can rust. (See Resource Guide for where to purchase these items.)

> > The Power of Crisco

> > ASK ANY GAY LEATHERMAN (and some women) of a certain generation what the best fisting lube is, and their answer will be the same: Crisco. Yes, that Crisco. It's not just for baking cookies anymore! I even recommended Crisco in the first edition of this book. I have since had a lot more experience with fisting, and now I no longer recommend it. I don't caution against it if the person being fisted is male, because it's ultimately safe. But for female-bodied people and others, I think there are much better products for the job. Nonetheless, there are people out there who will forever swear by it. I think people have a very emotional relationship to Crisco. For them, it conjures images of the first time they ever went to a fisting club, like the Catacombs in San Francisco in the seventies, and discovered a community of men doing what they loved to do. Crisco has cultural significance that is unmatched; it is synonymous with an era of asses up in slings, underground clubs, red hankies, and an alternative, sex-radical world still on the fringes of society.

Positions for Fisting

As with other anal activities, there are a number of different positions, each with its own particular benefits, for anal fisting. The ideal position for fisting is one that will allow easy ass access and give both fister and fistee the comfort to be there for an extended period of time. For doing it on a bed, I like to use firm pillows or Liberator Shapes, a unique brand of firm, supportive shapes that help to angle the body better for different kinds of penetration and stimulation. An overstuffed, comfortable chair can offer good back support and comfort for the fistee, and the fister can kneel or sit on a pillow in front of the chair. The slings and swings discussed in chapter 11 are also great for anal fisting. Fistees should position themselves in a sling or swing so that all parts of their bodies feel supported and nothing is constricted. Fisters can sit or stand between the fistee's legs; you should adjust the height of the sling so that you don't have to bend or slouch.

Whether you end up in a sling or on the ol' Sealy Posturpedic, here are some examples of anal fisting positions. All the pros and cons discussed in chapter 11 about positions for anal penetration apply to these as well.

MISSIONARY WITH KNEES UP: Fistee on her/his back with fister sitting or kneeling between fistee's legs. To insure full access to the back door, prop up the butt (in order to tip the hips up and back slightly) with a firm pillow or the Liberator Shapes wedge and have your partner spread her/his legs with knees bent.

LEGS OVER SHOULDERS: Fistee on her/his back with fister sitting or kneeling between fistee's legs. Fistee folds legs so knees touch chest or legs flip up and over shoulders. This configuration only works if the fistee can stay in it for a while without discomfort.

MISSIONARY ON THE EDGE: Fistee on her/his back at the edge of the bed (or a massage table, a bondage table, a spanking bench, or a comfortable stuffed chair) with fister between fistee's legs, either standing or sitting in a chair of the appropriate height.

DOGGIE-STYLE/ON ALL FOURS: Fistee on hands and knees, fister kneels behind (if on the bed) or stands behind (if using edge of the bed or other furniture).

DOGGIE-STYLE/HEAD DOWN: Same as Doggie-Style/On All Fours, except fistee's head and shoulders are down.

DOGGIE/BENT OVER FURNITURE: Fistee bent over a bed, couch, table with fister standing behind.

IN A SLING OR SWING.

Work Your Way In

As you are preparing to fist someone, one of your most important goals should be to get his or her ass warmed-up, relaxed, open, and ready without wearing it out. You have to walk a fine line between playing with an ass enough to get it wanting more and playing with it too much. If you cross that line, the ass is tired, sore, and done. So, you've got to figure out what kinds of stimulation work for your particular fistee's butt. Does she need to have vaginal penetration, clitoral stimulation, and her first orgasm of the night in order to begin? For multiorgasmic people, coming can relax their body, take the edge off, and allow them to begin the process of opening up. Maybe he wants a slow, sensual blow job with his favorite plug nestled in his ass. Genital stimulation sends blood rushing to the entire genital region, including the anal area, and the butt plug will help his ass start to relax. Remember that desire and arousal are unique to the individual, so discover what works for you (or your partner)—what gets you to that place where you are revved up and ready—and do that.

For some folks, fisting is all about the hand. All anal stimulation comes from the fingers, beginning with one, then two, then three, four, five, and, hopefully, past the widest part, until the whole hand fits inside. If you take this approach, your fingers do not need to go straight in; you can explore different finger positions as you cross one finger on top of the other. Don't forget to curve your fingers toward the G-spot or the prostate for extra stimulation. When you first add another finger (accompanied by more lube, of course), don't go all the way inside. Go just past the first knuckle, and stay still until the body gets used to the addition. Then carefully slide farther inside. If you are the recipient, let your partner know when you're ready for another finger; you should feel open and aroused, and the penetration will feel comfortable and pleasurable. Everyone's fingers and hands are different sizes, and, as a general rule, men's hands are bigger than women's hands. Use these tips as a guideline, but if you have large fingers, keep in mind that your process may be slower as a result. You can switch from fingers to a dildo or vibrator (as long as it has a flared base) to create a different sensation.

If you find that a lot of in-and-out penetration with fingers or dildos puts too much stress on the sphincter muscles and wears out the ass too quickly, butt plugs are the perfect solution. I like to use butt plugs for warm-up as an alternative to other kinds of stimulation because they simultaneously create a pleasurable sensation and help the ass begin to open up. Start with a well-lubed small butt plug, and have your fistee wear it for about twenty minutes to a half hour. During that time, you can concentrate on other things—dirty talk, cock and ball play, vaginal penetration, clit stimulation, tit torture, whatever. While you're busy entertaining your partner (and yourself), the butt plug is working its magic: helping the ass adjust to having something inside it and relax in the process. Take the toy out carefully, and slip a finger or two inside to gauge how aroused and relaxed the ass is. Ideally, penetration will feel easy. Move on to a medium-size plug, and keep that in for about a half hour as you continue with other kinds of stimulation. When you've both agreed that the ass is ready for more, insert a large plug (I recommend one with a diameter of two inches or more), which the fistee can wear for up to an hour. (Review the previous chapter for long-term butt plug wear information.)

Four Fingers and Beyond

After the large butt plug is removed, I like to start penetration with three or four fingers. That may sound extreme, but remember that the person's ass has had a butt plug in it for a couple of hours by now. Move from three to four fingers, taking care to add more lube and go as slow as you need to. However you get to four fingers, this is the point where you should decide whether to continue or stop genital stimulation. Some people need stimulation to have anything in their ass feel pleasurable, and four or five fingers is no exception. For that reason, keep working her clit or his cock while you've got your fingers inside. For other people, while genital stimulation may feel great, it also causes their sphincter muscles to contract. To the fister, these contractions can feel like a vice clamping down on your fingers and the tightness can prevent you from getting any farther. One solution is for the fistee to concentrate on relaxing the sphincters by taking deep breaths and bearing down. If one becomes aware of the contractions, one may be able to lessen them. If that doesn't work, it may be time to back off of genital stimulation altogether and concentrate solely on the anal penetration. As discussed in chapter 12, this may also be the point when a man who is being fisted loses his erection.

> > Tips for Fisters

> > File your nails and wear a well-fitting latex or nonlatex glove.

> >
>

> > Talk to your partner before and during the fisting.

> >
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> > Use butt plugs that graduate in size for warm-up.

> >
>

> > Always add lube to your hand or toy as you progress.

> >
>

> > Experiment with different hand positions.

> >
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> > If your fisting hand starts to get tired, grasp the wrist with your other hand to steady it, support it, and even help guide it in.

At the four-finger mark, you should discover which finger and hand positions work best for the specific butt you're working over. Here are some examples:

PALM UP: With the receptive partner on his/her back, the fister's hand is palm up with middle and ring finger flat and straight, index finger and pinky pointed inward. The thumb can rest on top of the base of the index finger; this creates a natural funnel for lube to run down and into ass. You can manipulate the G-spot or the prostate with the tips of the fingers. As you get farther inside, you'll want to tuck the thumb closer to the center of the hand (between index finger and pinky) to tighten up the size of the hand.

PALM DOWN: Identical to Palm Up, but used when the fistee is in doggie-style position. The fister's hand is reversed so the palm is down (toward the front of the fistee's body). You lose the funneling ability to gravity, but can still hit the G-spot or the prostate with the tips of the fingers.

PALM UP OR PALM DOWN WITH CURL: This hand position is similar to Palm Up or Palm Down, except the fingers spread out and curl down and the thumb is tucked under them to make a fist.

HANDSHAKE: Start with the receptive partner on his/her back, and put your hand out like you're about to shake someone else's hand. Leave the middle and ring finger flat and straight, and bring the index finger and pinky pointed inward and on top of the other two fingers. Bring the thumb to the middle of the hand. Once inside, you can bend your thumb slightly and use the thumb knuckles to stimulate the G-spot or the prostate. You can duplicate this hand position when your partner is on his or her hands and knees, except without the benefit of the thumb-knuckle trick.

HANDSHAKE WITH CURL: Begin with the Palm Up with Curl position, then rotate your wrist 90 degrees to the left.

In the beginning, feel free to explore many different hand positions. I like to let someone's ass tell me which position will work the best. In other words, in order to discover the ideal placement of the hand, assess the internal geography of the ass. How pronounced is the curve of the rectum? Is there more room on the front wall or the back wall? Can you find extra space if you move slightly to the left or the right? Once you get to four fingers, you should commit to one hand position since a major shift at that stage isn't a good idea.

Moving from four fingers to five should be relatively easy, since the pinky is the smallest of the bunch. Then comes the toughest challenge: getting the widest part of the hand inside. This is the place that's the most difficult to get past, the place where most people get "stuck." In my experience, at this stage of the game, there is room inside the rectum, which you'll recall can expand a great deal during anal play. However, the fister has got to contend with the gatekeepers—the anal opening, the sphincter muscles, and the anal canal—which comprise the narrowest, tightest part of the butt's anatomy. You want to apply enough gentle pressure to let the muscles know you're there and be able to gauge the amount of resistance, but you never want to force your way in. It's a delicate dance of give and take, during which you and your partner need to constantly communicate. When or if you do feel resistance or a tightening of the muscles, stay where you are and give the muscles a chance to get used to the feeling.

Each person likes to use a different method for entry. Some people like to move with a slow, constant pressure. Others use a gentle twisting motion to work their way inside. Some let the receiver draw the hand inside or go slowly in and out as you would with a penis or dildo (although the sucking motion that can happen with toys or a few fingers isn't going to happen with a whole hand). At this point, I like to pace my breathing to match the inhales and exhales of the person I am fisting. It helps ground us, connect us, and get us in sync. It also helps both of us focus on the task and experience at hand. Try inching your way in on the exhales. For the fistee, this is when relaxation is crucial. Take a deep breath—a really deep breath. Then another. Concentrate on feeling the breath move through your body. If you've been "working out" the sphincters, their toned elasticity will reward you as the widest part of your partner's hand is able to slip through the snug ring and past it into the more spacious rectum.

Once You're In

The physical and emotional rush that both partners will feel when the entire hand slips inside is incredibly intense. Take a moment, take a deep breath, and stay exactly where you are. Fister, let your hand get used to the new feeling of being entirely encased. You may feel the sphincters clamp down around your wrist; don't panic, they should relax after a few minutes. Fistee, keep breathing. Adjust to the sensation of newfound fullness.

Once the hand is all the way in, you've got a few options. Some fistees (especially novices) will not be able to tolerate having an entire hand in their ass for more than a few minutes. As the receiver, you are in control of the action. It's critical that you pay attention to your body, know your limits, and communicate with your partner. Do not push yourself to do something if your body isn't ready. Rest and take a break if you need one. If you're done, say you're done.

If you want to continue, so should your communication. As the fistee, you call the shots. Your partner will take all cues from you, and so you need to be aware of your desires, your needs, and the sensations you are feeling. Maybe you want your partner's hand to stay exactly where it is while she or he continues (or reintroduces) genital stimulation. Maybe you want to stimulate yourself or use a vibrator. If you want your partner's hand to move a little farther inside, then remain still, say so, and guide her or him.

Fisters, if your fistee asks for some movement, proceed slowly and gently. All your movements should be understated unless directed otherwise. Begin with a subtle in-and-out motion, and see how your partner responds. Depending on your hand position, use fingertips or knuckles to stimulate the G-spot or the prostate. I've had fistees tell me that the tiniest movements of my hand feel like deep pushes in the sensitive rectum. I've also fisted people who like a powerful, in-and-out thrusting motion. And, of course, there are plenty of folks' desires that fall in between these two ends of the sensation spectrum. Be mindful that fisting may or may not build up to and conclude with an orgasm. For some people, the sensation created by a fist is incredibly unique, but not orgasmic. For others, it's a case of too much stimulation, and their bodies may feel too overwhelmed to come. If an orgasm is in the cards for you, congratulations! The contractions an orgasm will produce can create a lot of tension around the hand, so fisters should ride the wave with their partners, then gently and slowly extract their hand. Coming out is easier than going in, however it may cause some discomfort for the fistee, especially as the widest part of the hand slips through those sphincters. I like to rub some lube around the anal opening and my wrist to help make the exit as smooth as possible.

> > Tips for Fistees

> > If you have a sensitive stomach, eat mild foods before your fisting date.

> >
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> > After your enema, give yourself at least two hours before anal play begins.

> >
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> > Practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing and meditation or whatever helps you relax.

> >
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> > Find a position that you'll be able to sustain comfortably for several hours.

> >
>

> > If your partner can't reach your genitals during penetration, stimulate them yourself with your hand or a vibrator.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Fisting Yourself

> > Q: I really want to be able to fist myself! I need your advice on how I can do it. I can fit four fingers up there, but cannot get past the knuckles at the base of the fingers. Can you help me?

> >
>

> > A: I don't know many folks besides gay porn stars who can fist themselves. More power to you for getting as far as you have already, and, of course, for wanting even more! It seems to me that fisting yourself is all about body position and flexibility. You are ahead of the game if you've already gotten four fingers inside. You didn't mention the position that you've been in, but I think that being on all fours or even squatting would work best. Now, if you find that you just can't make it happen, remember that there are some cool dildos on the market which are made to look just like a curled fist. You can find them in gay leather shops and catalogs usually. Having an "extra fist" means you can experiment with lots of different positions, and you aren't limited by the size of your own hand.

Aftercare

Anal fisting shouldn't hurt, and if you experience pain, you should slow down, back off, or stop altogether. If you don't, you are more likely to cause some kind of trauma to the delicate rectal tissue, which can lead to discomfort, pain, and damage to your ass. To keep your ass happy and healthy, practice common sense, and don't over do it. The better you treat it, the more you'll be able to fist it!

That said, even those who exercise care and caution may be left the next day with a butt that's out of sorts. You may experience soreness, mild bleeding, cramping, gas, or irregular bowel movements. Don't worry, these symptoms are common after such an intense, extensive anal play activity. You may feel like having another enema in order to clean out or soothe your ass, but don't. Your system has been worked over, and an enema will only irritate your rectum, especially if there are minute abrasions. Give your ass a rest from anal play, and use witch hazel wipes to relieve any external irritation.3 Your ass should right itself within twenty-four hours. As always, use common sense: if you are bleeding, experiencing severe pain, have a fever, or feel very sick, go see a doctor immediately. If you've listened to your body, and your partner has listened to you, then besides some minor soreness, anal fisting will leave you satisfied and happily exhausted.

Fisting is truly an erotic journey of the body, mind, and spirit. Although I have covered many tips and techniques throughout this section of the book, I want to admit an important point: often, successful fisting is 20 percent experience and skill and 80 percent frame of mind. By frame of mind, I mean that the fistee has to be in a mental state that allows them to wrap their head around the notion of wrapping their ass around a hand—without anxiety, reservation, or fear. What gets someone into such a headspace? Well, that's the million-dollar question. The answer: it depends on the person. Everyone is unique, and the one thing or combination of things that will lead a person to surrender to the fist is not something I can teach you. It may be a Dominant/submissive dynamic, a hot flogging scene, the right butt plug, intense clitoral stimulation, or something else entirely. Find what it is, and you're more than halfway there.

I call this chapter The Art of Anal Fisting because I truly believe that there is an art and a beauty to this sexual experience that some may see as radical or extreme. For me, anal fisting is an expression of love, lust, faith, and trust. Having your entire hand inside someone, or having someone's hand inside you, is like no other feeling in the world. When I do it, I feel alive, amazed, even high, and deeply connected to my body and my partner.

NOTES

1 The hanky code was a signaling system that originated in the gay male leather community, but has been adopted by kinky people of all sexual orientations. A handkerchief worn in the left pocket indicates the wearer is a top or wants to give a particular activity; a hanky worn on the right means the wearer is a bottom or wants to receive that activity. Different hanky colors represent different activities like fisting, bondage, heavy S/M, et cetera. For my adapted version of the hanky code, see www.puckerup.com/bdsm_&_fetish/hanky_code_for_heteros/.

2 Disposable absorbent bed pads, sometimes referred to as "chucks," are square or rectangular sheets made of waterproof plastic on one side, and absorbent material on the other. They were designed for use with incontinent people, to protect beds and furniture. You can find them at most drugstores in the same aisle as incontinence products.

3 Witch hazel wipes are sold in drugstores as "medicated hemorrhoidal wipes" from brands like Preparation H and Tucks. I like the Preparation H wipes better because they are about twice the size. Many drugstores also carry the generic or in-store brand, which contains the exact same ingredients but is a lot cheaper. While they are marketed for hemorrhoid relief, they are also great at soothing itchy, irritated, sore, or simply overworked asses. They are cool, soothing, and almost immediately calming for an itchy, sore, or irritated butthole. They are also great on a well-used pussy!

QUOTE

Pat Califia, "The Calyx of Isis" in Macho Sluts (Los Angeles: Alyson Publications, 1988), 135.


Input: Write a chapter for a book about troubleshooting common issues and problems related to anal play. Address concerns about anal sex during pregnancy, including the safety of penetration with fingers, cocks, and dildos. Discuss the importance of avoiding deep thrusting and hard slamming, finding comfortable positions, and preventing the transfer of bacteria from the ass to the vagina. Address common questions about the safety and longevity of different materials used in sex toys, including latex rubber, jelly rubber, vinyl, and silicone. Discuss the importance of replacing toys made of latex rubber, jelly rubber, and vinyl after twelve months, and the benefits of investing in higher quality silicone toys. Address common issues related to erectile dysfunction during anal sex, including the importance of maintaining arousal and the psychological factors that may contribute to erectile dysfunction. Address common issues related to pain and discomfort during anal penetration, including the importance of warming up the ass with smaller toys, using flexible materials, and experimenting with different positions and angles. Address common issues related to the length and curve of toys used in anal play, including the importance of finding toys that fit comfortably and do not hit the rectal wall. Address common issues related to the sphincter muscles, including the importance of relaxing and the difference between the external and internal sphincters. Address common issues related to clitoral stimulation during anal sex, including the importance of rubbing the clit and the benefits of shallow thrusts. Address common issues related to the size and thickness of a partner's penis, including the importance of extended foreplay, warming up the ass with smaller toys, and communicating about what feels good and what does not. Address common issues related to pain and discomfort during anal sex, including the importance of delaying orgasm, slowing down movement, and taking breaks. Address common issues related to allergic reactions to lube, including the importance of trying different types of lube and consulting a physician. Address common issues related to abdominal cramps after anal sex, including the importance of not fucking on a full stomach, using shorter toys, and not pushing air into the rectum. Address common issues related to headaches after anal sex, including the importance of supporting the head and neck and taking deep breaths during sex. Address common issues related to numbness and throbbing after anal sex, including the importance of consulting a physician if numbness persists and the normalcy of throbbing after vigorous stimulation. Address common issues related to the discharge of mucous during anal play, including the importance of understanding the natural regeneration of mucous in the rectum. Address common issues related to piercings during anal sex, including the importance of using condoms to prevent injury or discomfort and allowing enough time for the piercing to heal. Address common issues related to urination during anal sex, including the importance of considering safer sex issues and the potential for transmitting diseases.

Response:
CHAPTER 16

Troubleshooting: Common Issues and Problems

Since 1997, I have answered questions from people all over the world via email or in person at my workshops on a variety of issues and problems related to anal play. Here are some of the most common.

Is it safe to have anal sex when I am pregnant?

Throughout your pregnancy, penetration with fingers (both vaginal and anal) is safe; penetration with a cock or dildo is safe in low-risk pregnancies. Your mate should definitely avoid deep thrusting and really hard slamming of any kind. One of the challenges of sex during pregnancy is finding comfortable positions, but that takes just a little bit of experimentation. Hemorrhoids are very common during pregnancy, so your ass may be too irritated for anal play to be enjoyable. Hygiene is really important, since yeast or bacterial infections in the vagina can be more uncomfortable and harder to treat when you are pregnant. It's especially important to prevent bacteria from the ass from transferring to the vagina, so make sure anything that goes inside you is clean and never go directly from ass to vagina. If you feel any discomfort during any sexual activity, stop at once. Talk to your obstetrician or midwife for more specific information.

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Burned Butt

> > Q: I've had a black vinyl butt plug for two years and I think that a chemical film or something has developed on the surface that makes it burn when I insert it into my girlfriend's ass. Would an automotive-type vinyl restorer make my butt toys last longer?

> >
>

> > A: Latex rubber, jelly rubber, and vinyl sex toys are inexpensive for a reason: they do not last forever. I recommend that folks replace toys made of these materials after twelve months for the exact reason you report: the material starts to break down, and often causes stinging, burning, itching, and other discomfort when used. No, a vinyl restorer sold in automotive supply stories is not a good idea; not only will it not help stop the toy from deteriorating, but you do not want any product like that (or traces of it) in your ass! Throw the toy out and buy a new one, or, for your next purchase, try a higher quality silicone toy. Silicone can be much more pricey, but it's also a lot more resilient. My silicone toys have lasted for many years, and some brands even come with lifetime guarantees.

Every time I try to penetrate my wife's ass, I lose my erection. I think it takes me such a long time to try and position my dick that I just lose my excitement. I don't have this problem when we have vaginal sex.

The bottom line is that you need to have a rock-hard cock to get it into someone's ass. Since you have no erectile issues during vaginal sex, your problem is probably not physical but psychological. My initial question for you is, do you have any fears about fucking your wife in the ass? Some men are anxious about hurting their partners. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you may be afraid you'll cause her pain, or perhaps a past lover has told you that you hurt her. If you think you might have this fear, reassure yourself and your wife that you're going to warm her up, use lots of lube, and go slow, so that it won't hurt. Speaking of going slow, it sounds like that may also be part of your problem. You wrote about how much time it takes to get in position, and you may be losing the momentum of the moment. If that is the case, perhaps your wife can stroke your cock as you're maneuvering it or talk dirty to you to keep the fantasy and the anticipation going while you get ready.

Any toy I put in my ass seems too long. It feels almost like the dick or the toy is hitting something inside of me, and it hurts.

The rectum is not a straight tube. It has a gentle curve, first tipping forward toward the front of the body, then back, then forward again. Everyone's curves are different, and some are more pronounced than others. If you stick anything straight inside the rectum, you can wind up hitting the rectal wall. Toys made of flexible materials are more comfortable and bend easier with your curves; if a toy itself is curved, the curve should be aimed toward the front of the body. All that said, you can also have a short rectum. Experiment with different toys, and have your partner experiment with different positions and angles. Go with what works.

When my husband penetrates my ass, initially it's fine, but then it feels like he's hitting some second ring of muscle. Once he gets all the way inside, it's fine, but when we start moving, he slips out past that ring again, and it hurts when he comes back through it.

There are two sets of sphincter muscles, the external sphincters and the internal sphincters. For some people, these two rings of muscles are quite close together, but for others, they are farther apart. Both sets of muscles need to relax completely in order for anal penetration to be comfortable and pleasurable. They are like the gatekeepers to the ass. Concentrate on relaxing; it's critical to your enjoyment. Penetration can be painful if you are nervous or tense. You and your husband can also experiment with different positions; you can change the angle of insertion, the depth of penetration, and the point at which he's hitting that inner sphincter. He also can try more shallow thrusts, so that he doesn't consistently pull out too far, which is obviously painful for you. I think your problem can be solved with some creativity in positions.

My girlfriend and I have tried anal sex multiple times, but she doesn't like it unless I rub her clit. As soon as I stop rubbing it, she says it's very painful and wants to stop. We only do it lying on our sides, facing the same direction. She claims that doggie-style hurts too much from our one time of trying it. I am an anal addict denied!

It fascinates me that you consider yourself an "anal addict denied," because you are, in fact, having anal sex—just not necessarily in the exact way you want to be. If your wife doesn't like it doggie-style, that's most likely because that position offers the deepest penetration, and it obviously doesn't work for her; fucking her in the spooning position may mean less deep thrusting for you, but a lot more comfort for her. If you're simply dying to do it to her doggie-style, then I suggest more shallow strokes. See if that feels better to her. As for your problem that she doesn't like anal unless you rub her clit, well, what exactly is the problem? Rub her clit! I know lots of women who can't take anything in their ass without something working their clit; it helps them relax, get aroused, and it just feels great. If rubbing her clit is difficult because of your body position, then let your wife work her own clit while you concentrate on her ass; that way, it's a win-win situation.

My boyfriend's dick is very big and thick. He says he will go slow, but he never listens to himself. I'm afraid that if we have anal sex, just before he's getting ready to come, he will start to do it harder and hurt me.

First, I recommend you really focus on extended foreplay before your boyfriend even attempts penetration with his dick. Have him go down on you, stimulate your clitoris, use a vibrator—whatever it takes to get you really turned on. You also need to warm up your ass with something smaller than your boyfriend's dick, like his fingers or a smaller dildo or vibrator. Make sure you are in the driver's seat. You call the shots about how hard, how deep, how fast. Talk to your boyfriend and make sure he knows when something feels really good and when it does not. Some men need some very quick hard thrusts in order to orgasm. It sounds like that may be the case with your guy. If he simply can't slow down or if he does slow down, he can't come, then I suggest this: when he's ready to shoot, have him pull out. Then you can give him a hand job, he can touch himself, or he can thrust against you but not inside you.

My boyfriend and I have been exploring anal sex together, and it's been really great. But if I come before he does, it hurts for him to continue thrusting. It's like I want his cock out of me right that very minute.

Every woman should be so lucky to have your problem! Your ass, like your pussy, contracts during orgasm. After you climax, all the blood that rushed to your genital area disperses, and your ass returns to its nonaroused state (and doesn't want a cock inside it). Well, I've had firsthand experience with your particular dilemma; I too sometimes come first and find it difficult to go on. So, what can you do? You can try to delay your orgasm until after his climax. That way, you extend your pleasure for even longer, and don't have any discomfort. Or after you come, have him slow down his movement or even stop thrusting, but still stay in your ass. Take a few minutes to recover from your mind-blowing orgasm, then concentrate on relaxing your ass by taking lots of deep breaths. To extend your arousal, play with your pussy and clit, and have him slowly resume his in-and-out movements. Continue to breathe deeply, work your clit, and relax your ass. As he pumps your ass, talk to him and let him know how it feels. Hopefully, you can have a second orgasm in the process!

> > ASK THE ANAL ADVISOR: Burning Sensation

> > Q: I've taken things in my ass before, like my own fingers and a medium-sized butt plug. When my lover inserted a lubed, gloved finger into my butt, I felt an intense burning sensation. We used Eros lube and a latex glove. I know I don't have a latex allergy because I work as an EMT and use latex gloves every day. Have you ever encountered a similar situation? If so, what was the problem, and how did it get fixed?

> >
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> > A: Have you considered that you may have had an allergic reaction to the lube? Different people have different sensitivities to lubricants; you may want to try a water-based lubricant (Eros is silicone-based) to see if it makes a difference. If it's not the lube, it may be some kind of anal ailment. Hemorrhoids, anal fissures, even a minute tear in the delicate lining of the rectum can cause itching, irritation, burning, or pain. In that case, give your ass a vacation from butt play for about a week, then try again. There's one other possible explanation: your ass just didn't want to be fucked that night and the "burning" was a form of pain. In other words, sometimes we register pain in different ways: as soreness, as tightness, and, in some cases, as burning. Remember that our butts can be finicky, and we need to respect them. There are times when no matter how much you've prepared, no matter how much warm-up, no matter how much you want it, your ass just won't cooperate. If your burning persists, you should see a physician.

After an anal play session, I get abdominal cramps.

Cramping after anal sex is not unusual. I have a few suggestions. First, don't fuck on a full stomach. If your body is trying to digest a big meal, then stimulation in the rectum could confuse the natural bowel processes. Similarly, just like you shouldn't drink gallons of water before you work out your abdominal muscles at the gym, the same holds true for getting fucked in the ass. Second, consider using a shorter dildo or, if it's your partner's cock, not going all the way in. The longer the cock, the closer it gets to the lower colon, which for some people may disrupt colonic activity and cause cramps. Finally, if your partner thrusts in and out of you, air can be pushed inside your rectum and travel upward in the body, giving you cramps. If the cramping persists, consult a physician; you may be suffering from a gastrointestinal problem.

Several times right after anal sex, my wife has gotten a brutal headache. She suffers from the occasional non-sex-related migraine, but her post-anal sex headaches are worse by far.

If your wife is having a headache worse than a migraine, it must be extremely painful and debilitating. At first glance, the problem seems completely unrelated to anal sex; however, it's too much of a coincidence since it's happened several times. Stress and tension can often cause a severe headache, so I have a few theories. First, while you're fucking her in the ass, she may be in a position that's putting undue strain on her neck. I know that sometimes I end up in weird positions—especially when I have my ass in the air and my head down—while buttfucking. Afterward, I often feel pain in my neck, and that pain could lead to a headache. Make sure her head and neck have plenty of support.

My second theory has to do with her breathing patterns during sex. Many people (me included!) often take very shallow breaths when we get aroused on our way to orgasm—it's a natural instinct. Masturbation guru Dr. Betty Dodson scolded me once that if I am not taking deep breaths, then the blood cannot properly circulate throughout my body during sex. Shallow breaths may cause a quick high, but deep breaths ensure that the blood is flowing and the high people often feel during sex will last throughout the act. If your wife is taking quick breaths, or even holding her breath at some points, she could be depriving her brain of oxygen. This repeated deprivation could cause an intense headache, especially if she's susceptible to headaches in the first place. It's a good idea for her to talk to her physician about the problem.

Sometimes, after anal sex, if we both have done a lot of thrusting, my wife says her ass feels numb or throbs. She says it is not pain, just discomfort. If we just do a short session (like five minutes of pumping) she does not have this feeling.

Feeling numb and throbbing are two very different sensations in my book, so I am going to address them separately. Because the ass is full of nerve endings and thus very sensitive, your wife should never have a numb feeling; indeed, most people say it's quite the opposite: their nerves are electrified. If the numbing sensation continues, I would suggest she consult a physician, because she may have a circulatory problem. As for the throbbing, once the area is engorged and it's been vigorously stimulated through repeated thrusting, throbbing seems like a natural response. You've worked her ass over well, and it's responding! As long as the throbbing subsides and she doesn't feel any pain, then I'd say you're doing a good job.

When I pulled a vibrating butt plug out of my girlfriend's ass after a short play session, a large amount of mucouslike substance came out of her ass as well.

When stuff that we don't recognize comes out of our asses it can be alarming, so I understand your concern completely. Rest assured, you are fine. The rectum is lined with a thin layer of mucous that helps to protect it. When we put toys inside our butts, some of that mucous can cling to the toy, and even mix with lubricant, which sounds like what happened to you. The rectum naturally regenerates the mucous, so your ass will return to normal. Then you can stick more things in it!

I have my penis pierced with an ampallang piercing—a horizontal piercing through the head. I'm afraid I'll get stuck in her ass if I don't pull out before ejaculation.

How big is the jewelry? If it is bigger than about 10 gauge, that would be cause for concern. I have not heard of people with average-size ampallang piercings getting stuck. Although I do think you should be concerned that your piercing may tear the delicate tissue that lines the rectum or cause your partner pain. I recommend you wear a condom to prevent possible injury or discomfort. A penis piercing with average-size jewelry should not interfere with the safe use of condoms. Use a condom with a receptacle end to fit comfortably over the jewelry, and lubricate the inside of the condom as well as the jewelry itself to reduce friction. By the way, how old is your piercing? Most piercers recommend an initial healing time of 8-10 weeks; an ampallang piercing will be fully healed at 6-12 months. If your piercing is less than 10 weeks old, give it more time to heal before you engage in anal penetration.

I want to piss in my partner's ass while fucking her.

You need a dependable erection in order to penetrate her ass, and once you're super hard, you may not be able to pee; some men can't stay that hard and let it flow. If your dick can stand up and piss, then you've got to consider the safer sex issues. As far as bodily fluids go, urine is nearly, but not completely, sterile. Peeing in your sweetheart's butt is mostly safe for you unless you have any cuts or open sores on your cock. She may want to know that she can get chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis B, cytomegalovirus (CMV), or genital herpes, if these viruses are present in your piss. Unfortunately, there is no research on the transmission of HIV through urine; however, we know that HIV can be present in urine or in urine that contains a small amount of blood. If the two of you have been tested for all these diseases and are monogamous, then you should be all right. Remember that whatever you put in a rectum will be instantaneously absorbed into the bloodstream, so she may end up with an upset stomach. You might also consider peeing outside of her ass, which is even safer and still plenty of fun.