Input: "Write a chapter discussing body image and self-love. Begin by discussing the different ways women feel about their bodies, including those who love their bodies and those who struggle with their body image. Discuss the impact of cultural standards of beauty on women's self-esteem. Provide tips for improving body image, such as getting naked in front of a mirror and appreciating oneself through masturbation. Discuss the impact of body size on body image and provide examples of women who love their bodies regardless of size. Discuss the impact of gender transition on body image and provide examples of trans women who have learned to love their bodies. Provide tips for getting into one's body, such as engaging in physical activity, massage, and somatic healing. Discuss the importance of nutrition and regular gynecological exams for maintaining a healthy body. Provide safer sex guidelines for lesbian and bisexual women."

Response:
_**chapter five**_

**The Road to Heaven Leads to You**

_I love my body! At least, I try to. It's my goal to say I love my body and really mean it_.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY? Many of us love our bodies. We love our strength and passion, and we love the pleasure we take in our flesh. We love our broad backs and strong thighs, love the way our bodies carry us through life. We love our full, rich lips, sharp teeth, and piercing eyes. We love our boyish smiles and lean bodies, love our well-defined muscles that ripple as we move. We love the dark berries of our nipples, the ripe plum swelling of our cunts. We love our graceful hands, the delicate slope from neck to shoulder and from waist to hip. We love our voluptuously long legs. We love our eagerness, our openness, the desire that gushes from our vulvas. We love our roundness: round face, round breasts, round belly, round butt, round thighs, the generosity of flesh we offer up to our lovers.

_I honestly like my body. Please publish that in your book. Some of us just really like our bodies._

It's marvelous how much delight we take in our bodies. When you consider the ridiculously narrow cultural standards most people hold for female beauty, it's truly remarkable that so many of us wholeheartedly love our bodies. Do you ever  get the feeling that if you give yourself a compliment, someone will correct you? ("Dream on, girlfriend—those cellulite bags are _not_ becoming.") You might even think it impolite or conceited to say you find yourself gorgeous. It may seem safer to downplay the whole thing.

No matter what your size, shape, age, health concerns, abilities or disabilities, HIV or STD status, you deserve to love yourself fully and unconditionally—and that includes your body.

#  **A Love/Hate Relationship**

So many of us women come to adulthood with less than perfect feelings about our bodies. Even if our families were supportive of how we looked and felt, our commodity-oriented, gender-obsessed, homophobic, _and_ lesbophobic culture probably was not!

Many of us continue to feed a love/hate relationship with our bodies. We accept and reject parts of ourselves, managing only a cafeteria-style kind of acceptance.

_Some days I can't keep the internalized stuff in check. I hate it…my body. Belly's fat. Butt ain't big and bubbly enuff for a black girl. More breasts. Less breasts. Skin too dark. Skin too light. On these days I just can't win! I don't have many days like this—thank Gawd!_

Finding out that others love exactly the characteristics of your body you'd like to hide can be quite an awakening. That belly? That butt? You may have gotten the message that it all adds up to something less than zero—but odds are there are some women out there who'd be tickled to look just like you (and to take you to bed).

Many of us come to love ourselves in spite of severe barriers—such as childhood sexual abuse, eating disorders, addiction, depression, disability, chronic or life-threatening illnesses, or harassment for our gender presentation or sexual choices. Add racism and classism, and the mix gets very thick. For us, developing a positive self-image is a lifelong process, with a fully conscious relationship  with our bodies as our reward. Our self-love is hard won and thus all the more precious.

_Formerly ignored, stuffed and numbed with food, I love my body. What aspects of my body make me happy? That everything I have pretty much keeps me alive and kicking to enjoy another day._

Body size, of course, is the most common stumbling block women mention when they talk about body image. Too fat. Too thin. We've been trained to measure our self-worth according to the numbers on the scale.

_My mother used to tell me that no one would ever find me beautiful unless I lost weight, and it wasn't until I met the love of my life that I finally stopped believing it._

_Skinny femme girl that I am, there are times I've wished for a more womanly figure. But I love that my small breasts disappear in the palms of my lover's hands—and the ease with which I am lifted into her arms. I love catching butch girls staring at my braless chest, my nipples peeking out through a thin shirt._

Weight issues get complicated by gender and sexual orientation. It's disconcerting to be told that because you are delicate and petite you can't possibly be a dyke (after all, _you_ could get a man)—or that because you're big and broad-shouldered you could _only_ be a dyke (because no man would have you). Thankfully, many of us manage to turn this around.

I like my broad shoulders, big hands, tight ass. I enjoy being strong. I love being able to pick up my lover, wrap her around my waist, and fuck her even longer than she thought she wanted.

_I am big-boned, with quarterback shoulders, muscular biceps, and calves an NFL pro kicker would die for._

_I'm a fat dyke. That used to be an issue for me but it isn't anymore. My hills and valleys and breasts make an excellent playground for those who are adventurous enough to explore them._

During the process of gender transition, body image takes on a whole new layer of meaning. What does it mean to identify as masculine when you have 40DD breasts? To be female but not feminine? To wear your clit as a cock? Or conversely, to be 45 years old and have the brand-new budding breasts of a 14-year-old girl? To identify as female and have a penis?

_For years, sex was unsatisfying for me because I was completely out of touch with my body. Now that I'm in the early stages of transitioning from female to male, I can handle physical pleasure and accept that this flesh-cart is part of me._

_My breasts are small but perky, and I love my tattoos and my nipple piercing. I have a beautiful tattoo of ivy on my breast covering scars from a lumpectomy I had when I was 19. It made me feel so much better about my breasts when I had that done!_

#  **Take a Good Look**

Get naked and position yourself in front of a full-length mirror. Lights up! Take an uncritical look at yourself. Drop your judgments, save your critical skills for a film review, and forget all the things you've heard about what you are "supposed" to look like. Just look at yourself. Pay attention. What do you see?

_I have a nice hourglass shape (maybe a two-hour glass!) and my breasts are full, which I like. I like how I look without clothes because I pretty much like how anyone looks without clothes—we're all so unique and interesting and vulnerable and human without clothes._

#  **Appreciate Yourself**

_I love that I'm so sensitive! Everything feels so damn good!_

Masturbation is a great way to appreciate yourself. If you want to challenge yourself, masturbate in front of the mirror. You can stand, sit in a chair or on the floor, or lie on your side. Try to maintain eye contact with your image in the mirror—at least until you get too turned on to focus at all. (More on masturbation tips and techniques in chapter 6, Masturbation.)

#  **Take It In**

Next time someone pays you a compliment, take it in. All the way in. Don't toss it off, don't disagree, don't make excuses. Say, "Thank you." Period. Let yourself be appreciated. Of course, no one can talk you into believing you are beautiful—and you'll get nowhere if your self-esteem hinges on others' approval. Yet it's nice to know somebody likes how you look. Being showered with compliments never hurts.

_I feel a lot better about my body than I used to. Part of it is that I got in shape, part of it is my lover's appreciation of my body. She plays it like a goddamn violin._

#  **Join the Crowd**

How often do you have the opportunity to appreciate other women's bodies? Next time you are in an environment where women are naked—whether it's the locker room or your favorite swimming hole—take a good look. Appreciate the variety of shapes and sizes. No judgments, no evaluations, and no comparisons.

One reason we're so critical of ourselves is that we are isolated. We don't get to see enough naked bodies to view ourselves as unique (but really not-so-unique) members of humanity. That's one of the amazing contributions of the women's music festivals—being naked with thousands of naked women who span every  possible description, and some that you've never even thought of. The locker room is reason enough for a trip to the gym. If you hit the right gym at the right time of day (try a downtown YWCA at lunchtime), you'll find a diverse group of women whose bodies take all shapes.

When I'm feeling less than wonderful about my body, I take a trip to my local women's bathhouse, which offers a hot tub, sauna, steam room, outdoor deck, and massage. (It's not a women's bathhouse in the sexual sense of the term, though I'm sure that would be very popular in my town.)

You might think it counterintuitive to be naked in public on a bad body image day—"What? You want me to show off _this_ body?!"—but it really helps. The first 20 minutes are excruciating—and not because of the temperature of the hot tub. After a while, all those judgments peel away like so much dead skin. Your bones get the message, even if your head is skeptical. You may surprise yourself and feel infinitely better by the time you leave. Many cities have women's baths or public baths with women-only days.

Finally, my favorite place to stare at naked bodies is actually the one place where such behavior is socially appropriate—and even encouraged. Sex parties and sex clubs provide great lessons in humanity. All those naked people! Such abundant flesh! The smells of women's arousal mingling with sweat. The sounds of bodies slapping together, women laughing and coming. (And at S/M play parties, the sounds of floggers thudding against backs, paddles smacking buttocks, and big, hearty screams.) At a sex party, you'll see women you find less attractive than yourself being treated like sex goddesses. And you'll see women you find too stunning to approach getting no more (or less) attention than you. The resources section at the back of this book lists local contact information for group sex events.

My ass! Definitely I like my ass! I got a nice big old round booty that looks good either in clothes or out.

#  **Get Into Your Body**

_The more active I am, the more positive feelings I have for my body. It's nice to feel powerful—to feel how my body can move me around and give me joy, through lovers, self-love, running, kung-fu punching, and dancing._

Move your body. Breathe. Feel your heart pumping. Let your skin heat up. Get into your body. Can you feel your bones? Muscles and tissue? You can learn how to feel yourself from the inside. You can do this whether you're athletic or not. Even if the closest you've ever come to meditation is a 20-minute nap, you can become conscious of yourself as a sensate being. You don't have to be able to get up out of your chair to have a positive relationship with your body.

Perhaps the most obvious (and readily available) form of bodywork is massage. Following a masseuse's hands as she works your body can help you become aware of every bit of you—from the backs of your knees to the wings of your shoulder blades. If you don't feel comfortable being touched by a stranger or can't afford a professional massage, you can trade with a good friend. This has the added advantage of giving you an opportunity to explore another person's body while enhancing your friendship.

Former shy girl Carol Queen recommends solo dancing. Get out of your clothes, pop in your favorite CD, and _move_. In _Exhibitionism for the Shy,_ Queen writes, "Feel your body move; disconnect your head from all the worries about how you look, and concentrate on letting the music sink into your limbs…. Dancing can lead you into your body perhaps further than you've ever been before." 1

Been dancing alone for too long? Hit the clubs. Go dancing. Not only will you get to move your body and shake that booty—you'll get out of the house. If you don't like to move to a club beat, find a swing, two-step, or country western group.

Go to the gym. Not to "improve" your body—though you may enjoy Pilates or power lifting—but to experience yourself inhabiting your body and to see other people doing it, too. You can take classes in yoga or kickboxing—it doesn't matter, as long as you find an activity that works for you.

Don't like the gym? Go to the park. Walk. Get a skateboard. Ride your bike. Roll your chair along a different path. Take a new route to work, and walk there. The point is to engage in activity that will bring you into a relationship with your physical self. Sure, you'll find buff specimens in the park, but you'll also see people who look just like you.

If the parks and gyms in your town are too straight for comfort, start an all-dyke workout group. You can meet once or twice a week for long, brisk walks; hit the gym on the buddy system; sign up for a martial arts class; or go swimming on your lunch hour.

Your body need not be a box you are locked into all by yourself.

#  **Somatic Healing**

_I've had a long, hard struggle overcoming an abusive relationship that included sexual assault. Because of this, I haven't learned a lot about my sexuality that many people learn when they are younger, so I've had the nice experience of being an actual grown-up when I figured out what I was doing. Of course there have been negative consequences: I sometimes still have flashbacks during sex, even with my long-term partner._

Somatic healers teach the concept that the body and mind are part of one intelligent biological system. Your emotions do not exist separate from your body. So if you "feel" less than gorgeous, the solution may lie in deepening your relationship with your body rather than trying to escape it.

My body is femme, fat, cushy, strong, pale, soft—I love it. It's just right.

Do you "check out" during sex? Do you think you'd have an easier time reaching orgasm if you could stop your mind from wandering? Or are you fine for a good fuck—as long as your partner doesn't get too emotionally close?

Emotions are part of your cellular history, your body's "memory" of where it has been. The feelings associated with a traumatic experience don't go away, even if we ignore them. Trauma remains in the body until the emotions surrounding it are resolved and integrated into your experience. Your body will continue to respond automatically to situations you perceive—from your body's perspective—to be threatening. One survival strategy is simply to shut down.

_I have large breasts and they have little feeling. Little feeling in breast and vagina…. Thank goddess my clitoris is in working order. Otherwise I'd be a Barbie._

Regardless of what has caused your body to respond like a town under siege, the trauma remains. Whether you have survived childhood sexual abuse, emotional neglect, physical abuse, a battering adult relationship, rape, sexual harassment, queer bashing, a life-threatening accident or illness, or even time spent in a war zone, healing trauma is a slow, painful process. And it's the only way to get your _self_ back.

Staci Haines, author of _The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse_ , stresses somatic healing as the key to sexual healing:

 _Your body was a dangerous place…. Leaving your body then, or dissociating, was an intelligent move. The memories or experiences of the trauma are often still present or "held" in your body today. Many survivors stay out of their bodies and senses long after the danger has passed to avoid revisiting those stored experiences._

_Yet, your body is also you. It is the place in which you live and are alive. You connect and are in relationship with others from your body. You act in the world from your body. Your body is where the healing from trauma and abuse happens. Your body is also where you experience sensual and sexual pleasure. To experience all of these pleasures, however, you must be in your body, or "embodied."_ _2_

Happily, you have many kinds of healing practices to choose from—everything from meditation and Tantra to therapeutic bodywork practices, like Rosen Method bodywork, somatic coaching, sex coaching, sexological bodywork, and others.

What's it like to come back into your body? It's like awakening to a sense—such as touch—you've read about, heard about, thought you understood, but have never truly experienced.

#  **You Are What You Eat**

"Not treating your body as a temple can kill even the most Herculean libido," Heather Corinna writes on Scarlet Letters, her erotic website. "Healthy sexual functioning requires a good respiratory system and a healthy flow of oxygen, adequate hormone levels and properly functioning sexual glands, and most of all, energy. The best diet for your sexual health is the best diet for your health, period." 3

Your body requires nutrition, adequate rest, plenty of fluids, and movement just to sustain life, much less thrive. You can improve your relationship with your body by learning to take good care of yourself. In fact, tending to your physical care is a great prelude to sex.

#  **Get a Pelvic Exam**

Add to this good health care. Many lesbian, bisexual, and queer women fail to get regular gynecological exams, and even when we do get checkups, we're often not candid about our sexual practices.

Why don't we get better health care? In the United States, lack of access to health insurance is a big factor in preventing women from getting adequate health care. Many lesbian and bisexual women as well as transgendered people feel very uncomfortable talking to health-care practitioners about sex. (Many of us feel uncomfortable talking to our _lovers_ about sex.) It doesn't help that few of us have access to health-care professionals who have any idea what we _do_ sexually. Some lesbians feel uneasy about the mechanics of Pap smears; others think that because they don't have sex with men, such care is unnecessary—not true.

Regular gynecological exams will help you stay on top of the state of your sexual health. Some sexually transmitted conditions don't produce noticeable symptoms until you've got a serious problem. For example, human papillomavirus (HPV), among the most widespread sexually transmitted conditions, has been linked to cervical cancer. A recent study conducted in Seattle found HPV present among lesbians—even those who had never had sex with men.4 A Pap smear can alert you to the presence of abnormal cells caused by HPV, long before cancer develops. However, you will need a complete gynecological exam, including blood work, to determine if you've been exposed to HIV or other STDs.

_Risk-Free______

Frottage (with clothes)
Nipple and breast stimulation (not
lactating)
Sharing sex toys (with a condom)
Genital touching with glove
Oral sex with barrier
Masturbation (touching only yourself)
Voyeurism and exhibitionism
Cybersex and phone sex
Watching porn
Reading erotica
Talking dirty
Fantasy

#  **Safer Sex, Please**

We hear a lot about safer sex—but what is it, really? Safer sex is the practice of assessing risks and taking precautions that you hope will prevent you from acquiring or transmitting STDs.

How do you know if you're at risk? Well, the greater the number of people with whom you have had unprotected sex, the greater the risk you've been exposed to a sexually transmitted disease. Your risk for acquiring an STD increases if you already have an STD, if you've used intravenous drugs, or if any of your partners have used intravenous drugs. Finally, some sexual activities are riskier than others. (See "Safer-Sex Guidelines for Lesbian and Bisexual Women," below.)

You may believe that because you're in a committed monogamous relationship you're exempt from safer-sex concerns. If that were true, there would be  far fewer of us with herpes and HPV. Unfortunately, monogamy is _not_ a foolproof safer-sex strategy. Some STDs can lie dormant for months or even years after exposure, which may be longer than your previous relationship. You could easily transmit an STD you didn't know you had. And, of course, a commitment to monogamy is no guarantee. Many women have sex outside of their relationships without telling their partners.

**Illustration 3. Making a Dental Dam**

Here is a recommended safer-sex strategy for _monogamous_ couples (two partners having sex exclusively with each other): For six months, use latex barriers every time you have sex. (See the safer-sex techniques, below.) After six months, both of you can get thorough gynecological exams, including a Pap smear and blood tests for STDs. If all tests are negative, you may decide to forgo latex barriers. However, if one of you has a viral STD, such as herpes, HPV, hepatitis C, or HIV, safer-sex practices are recommended to prevent transmission of the STD. If one of you has a bacterial STD, such as chlamydia, use latex barriers until you've completed treatment.

Some women in _nonmonogamous_ relationships choose to _fluid-bond_ with their primary sexual partner. They share bodily fluids with only that partner, while using latex barriers with everyone else. Should one partner "slip" and engage in unsafe sex with an outside partner, the commitment is to tell the other right away. The partners can then assess the risk and make safer-sex decisions. Again, this presumes a high degree of trust.

**_Safer-Sex Guidelines for Lesbian and Bisexual Women_**

These guidelines are intended to help you make choices about sex with women:

• _Oral sex:_ Use dental dams, Lollyes, or plastic wrap for cunnilingus and rimming. Put a drop of water-based lube on the genital side of the dam.You can also cut up a latex glove or unlubed condom to make a barrier for oral sex (see illustration).

• _Finger-fucking and fisting:_ Use gloves for hand-to-vagina or hand-to-anus penetration.

• Change gloves when moving from anal to vaginal penetration and when you change partners. Remove the glove before you touch yourself.

• _Masturbation:_ Don't touch your vulva, anus, or favorite sex toy with the same hand you've just used to touch your partner's vulva or anus—change hands or wash up first.

• _Dress your toys:_ Use condoms on dildos, butt plugs, and vibrators.

• _Sharing toys:_ If you share toys, be sure to use condoms and clean thoroughly between uses with an antibacterial soap.

• _Use water-based lube:_ Never use oil-based lubricants with latex products. (Oil will break down latex.) Do not use oil-based lube for vaginal penetration.

• _Avoid products with nonoxynol-9:_ While "noxious-9" has been shown to kill HIV in some laboratory tests, it can be irritating to vaginal and rectal tissue. Certain women experience vaginal infections after using nonoxynol-9. The product can actually increase the risk of HIV transmission by irritating the delicate rectal tissue, providing a direct route to the bloodstream.5

• _Yeast infections:_ If your lube is giving you yeast or other infections, switch to a lube that doesn't list glycerin as an ingredient.

• _Bacterial vaginosis:_ If your partner has a vaginal infection, see a gynecologist—and refrain from unprotected sex with your partner.

• _Urinary tract infections:_ Urinating after penetrative sex can help prevent a urinary tract infection. Remember to drink plenty of water as well.

• _Do not share needles,_ whether for IV drug use, play piercing, permanent piercing, or tattooing.

• _Blood play:_ Wear gloves during any activity that may bring you in contact with a partner's blood, such as piercing, cutting, or shaving. Be careful not to stick yourself. Dispose of sharps properly.

• _Dispose of gloves and condoms carefully:_ Turn gloves and condoms inside out as you pull them off to prevent exposure to bodily fluids.

• _Clean your sex toys_ with an antibacterial soap after every use.

• _Wash your hands_ frequently with an antibacterial soap.

• _If you have sex with men,_ use condoms for fellatio (or avoid ejaculation in the mouth). Use condoms for vaginal or anal penetration.

Asking a new partner about her STD status is not foolproof either. While it's good to know a partner's story, you can hardly take a thorough sexual history on a first date. Even if you ask all the right questions and get all the right answers, you can't assume that a new acquaintance is being truthful—no matter how charming she is. She may have an STD and not know it.

Whether you have one partner or many, if you don't know your partners' sexual practices, health status, and sexual history—and _their_ partners' practices, health status, and history—you'd do well to practice safer sex. Of course, if you don't know your own sexual health status (because you haven't been tested for HIV and other STDs), you need to practice safer sex to avoid transmitting an STD to your partners. And if you know you have an STD, then you need to practice safer sex.

#  **Be Present**

Sex is always more gratifying when you are _really there._ Not skin deep, not hiding, not distracted, not anesthetized, and not suffocated under a molasses-thick blanket of shame—but fully available to engage in the moment. Whether you are flying solo, enjoying a sensual tangle with several partners, or gazing soulfully into the eyes of your one true love, it's good to be present for the experience.

Being present is the bottom line for most spiritual practices. Meditation, ritual, and prayer are all intended to bring the consciousness to the moment. What's

I love the feeling of connection I get from making love with my girlfriend.

this got to do with sex? Well, many people find a powerful connection between sex and spirituality. Tantra, essentially a spiritual tradition, has become the basis for sexual techniques designed to refocus erotic energy from "slam-bam-thank-you-Ma'am" to something a bit more, well, holy.

Others find sex to be a rare oasis of animal nature in our overscheduled, too civilized urban lives. When else do we permit ourselves to loll in bed in the middle of the workday? An afternoon of sex will go a long way toward reminding you that you have a body—and a great capacity for pleasure.

On a more practical level, being present enables you to make meaningful choices about sex. This is what is meant by the term _consent._ Consent comes from _your_ experience, _your_ feelings. Not what you think you want (or worse, what you think you _should_ want) but what you _do_ want—in your gut. Or cunt. Or feet. How can you consent to sex if you don't have a clue about what you want—or even what you're feeling?

Being present for sex means not shutting down and not hiding the truth of who you are and what you want (or don't want). Being present means not bingeing, purging, or starving yourself, and not getting drunk or high to have sex.

_I used alcohol as social lubricant so that I could get to the sex part. Now, though I'm not in recovery, I prefer to have sex sober, just because it increases the intensity for me._

Being fully available—in body and spirit—means dealing with problems that rob you of your life. There's no shortage of resources to help you become fully available for your life. Therapy, support groups, 12-step programs, and bodywork can help. (See the resources chapter for more information.)

#  **Life Changes**

Even in bliss, when your dreams come true, your relationship to your body can be challenged by change. Pregnancy and childbirth, that longed-for breast reduction surgery, or beginning gender transition cause upheaval in your life.

Rachel Pepper reminds us of the importance of love and support to cushion the shock of change:

 _After spending so many years in the same body, it's disconcerting to watch it change so dramatically, so quickly…. As you go through physical changes, your partner can let you know you are still attractive to her. Many pregnant women get shy about their bodies when they start morphing. Of course, some partners know there's nothing more sexy than a pregnant woman. Those breasts! Those hips! That curvaceous belly! That growing life within! Your girlfriend can help boost your self-esteem by lavishing you with praise._ 6

Many significant life changes happen _to_ us, not _by_ us. Crushing blows—such as the death of a loved one—can rock your world and with it your sense of comfort in your body. The end of a relationship can shake your self-confidence like almost nothing else.

A severe illness or a sudden or chronic disability can sharply challenge your sense of self. Recovery from an eating disorder or addiction can toss you around on a roller-coaster of emotions. Menopause and aging can be both freeing and challenging to your sense of yourself as an erotic being.

You may feel that you can't be sexual while swimming through so much emotion. You may not want to get involved romantically just now. Perhaps you believe that fully experiencing your sexuality is disrespectful to a lost lover. You may feel very protective of your newly gendered body. You can take a break from erotic play—or a break from partner sex. This may be an opportunity to discover and pleasure yourself. Chapter 6, Masturbation, will tell you how.

You deserve a fully satisfying sex life—all the pleasure you desire (in fact, all the pleasure you could ever imagine), on your own terms, without apology or price tags.


Input: Write a chapter discussing masturbation as a fundamental part of sexual and spiritual well-being. Begin by discussing the importance of masturbation in learning about one's own sexual desires and needs. Address common myths about masturbation, such as the idea that it is not "real" sex or that it is a lonely activity. Discuss the benefits of masturbation, such as relaxation, reduced stress, and improved sleep. Provide tips for incorporating masturbation into one's sexual repertoire, such as experimenting with new toys and fantasies. Discuss the idea of attending a masturbation workshop to learn new skills and techniques. Provide resources for further reading and exploration.

Response:
_**chapter six**_

**Masturbation**

Masturbation is fundamental to my spiritual and sexual well-being.

DO YOU MASTURBATE? When someone asks you what you like sexually, do you mention the ways in which you pleasure yourself? Think of masturbation as the foundation for your entire sexuality. Masturbation is how you learn what you like and how you like it. How much of yourself do you bring to the task? A lot of us don't admit to ever masturbating. We get so many messages about the second-class status of masturbation—and, for that matter, of being single. Well, not so. Masturbation is a form of sexual expression like any other, no more or less "legitimate" than oral sex or strap-on penetration.

So what are the myths you've heard about masturbation? Are you afraid that if you masturbate you'll become antisocial or vibrator addicted? That you'll hurt your lover's feelings when she finds out what hot sex you're having all by yourself? Do you think that if you stay home on Saturday night to masturbate you're a loser? Or a sex-crazed pervert? Well, let me give you some good reasons to masturbate.

#  **What Will Masturbation Do for You?**

You get to have pleasure…lots of it. You can get off, whenever you want. All this pleasure is for _you_ —you don't have to worry about anyone else's desires or needs.

**_Ten Myths About Masturbation_**

1\. _Masturbation isn't real sex. Real sex is what you do with your girlfriend._ We were also told that sex is for making babies. _Puhleeeze_ , let's not buy into this. Pleasure is as good a reason as any to have sex, and pleasuring yourself is as valid an expression of your sexuality as any other.

2\. _If you masturbate too much, you'll grow hair on your palms—or your labia will get really big. Or change colors. Or look weird._ Not true! One look at _Femalia_ , a collection of color photos of women's genitals, and you'll see that vulvas come in all sizes, shapes, and colors. (And no one has ever gotten hairy palms from self-pleasure.)

3\. _People in relationships don't masturbate. Or they masturbate only when the girlfriend's out of town._ The corollary to this is: _Women in healthy relationships don't masturbate; if you have to do for yourself, you must be suffering from Lesbian Bed Death._ The opposite is more likely to be true: if you masturbate—filling your life with erotic richness—you probably won't suffer from lack of libido. And if you share your erotic energy with your girlfriend, maybe she'll get turned on, too.

4\. _Save it for your girlfriend. If you masturbate, you're taking something away from your partner._ That's fine if your honey is your erotic twin. But what if your desires don't perfectly match on a 24/7 basis? Masturbation isn't being "unfaithful." The idea that your lover should satisfy all your needs—sexual, emotional, spiritual—not only is unrealistic, it doesn't leave much room for you to be _you_.

5\. _If you masturbate you'll get addicted and be unable to have orgasms any other way.You'll become antisocial._ "I was far more antisocial when I was love addicted," writes Betty Dodson.1

6\. _Masturbation is a lonely occupation._ Yes, masturbation can evoke loneliness, sadness, grief—as well as joy, excitement, and the feeling that you might burst with pleasure. Sex is an emotional experience, whether you're sharing that experience with a partner or flying solo.

7\. _Masturbation is something you should do in private._ Some of us had "enlightened" parents. Instead of slapping our hands when they caught us masturbating, they told us it was OK—just don't ever let anyone see us doing it. No wonder we find masturbating for an audience so deliciously naughty.

8\. _Women who jerk off too much are sex obsessed._ How much is "too much"? How much pleasure are you willing to allow yourself? A thimbleful? A bathtub? An ocean?

9\. _Autoeroticism is kinky. It's "normal" to get off now and then, but dressing up, playing with toys, watching yourself in the mirror, and licking the juices from your fingers—that's kinky._ Give yourself permission to touch yourself, look at yourself, smell yourself, taste yourself. (If it helps to think of yourself as the perviest girl on your block, go for it.)

10\. _If you masturbate, you'll become very demanding, expecting lots of orgasms and a life filled with erotic delight._ Yes. Good for you!

Relaxation, reduced stress, and a good night's sleep are all benefits of masturbation. And buzzing off is a much better reward than a candy bar for finishing that term paper or sending off that business proposal. Masturbation allows you to experiment with new sexual activities in a safe setting. You can try new toys, new fantasies, even a new persona without embarrassment. You can experiment with extended orgasms, multiple orgasms, and ejaculation. You can get messy without worrying about offending a partner's aesthetics.

Masturbation is the key to sexual self-knowledge. You'll know what you like. How? Because you've tried it. You'll know what gets you off—not just that one trick you discovered at age 10, or that particular technique you learned from your last girlfriend. You'll discover a number of sexual activities, fantasies, and techniques that work for you.

_Masturbating really taught me how to touch myself, and gave me a good idea of how to touch and stroke a lover—I know now, for instance, to slow my stroking of her clit when she's about to come, when she's nearing the loudest part of her orgasm, to prolong the most intense, delightful part._

All that self-knowledge leads to self-confidence and sexual autonomy. You know you can take care of yourself. You know what gets you off; you'll have specific information to convey to partners ("What do you like?" "Oh, everything, I guess.").

You can't be intimate with others until you can be intimate with yourself. How well do you tolerate your own company? What kind of solo-sex partner are you? Through masturbation, you can develop an erotic relationship with yourself.

Think of masturbation as a way to practice self-love. Sure, it's easy to say you love yourself, but do you _act_ on that love? Masturbation is part of self-care, as much as regular massages, gynecological exams, or trips to the spa. Here's a way to pour energy _into_ yourself, even as the world pulls so much energy out of you.

And, while we're talking about self-love, let's not forget that your body is a very big part of your "self." Through masturbation you can learn to love your physical self.

Sex-positivity means accepting, supporting, and celebrating human sexuality in all its splendid variety. Why not begin at home by accepting your sexuality,  your body, the things you like, the ways you respond to your own touch and your own imagination? You're never too old, too boring, too fat, too thin, too stressed-out, or too timid to deserve a great sex life.

#  **The Masturbation Workshop Adventure**

It's no coincidence that the best sex educators teach masturbation as the basic tool to helping women expand their sexual possibilities. And masturbation is the one tool you're always packing. From _The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women_ to _Exhibitionism for the Shy_ and _The Survivor's Guide to Sex,_ sex guides are filled with encouragement and advice about masturbation.

Sex toy salespeople are cheerleaders for the power of masturbation. "You would be hard-pressed to find a group of people more enthusiastic about masturbation than the employees of Good Vibrations," write Cathy Winks and Anne Semans in _The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex._ "Every time we talk to a customer about sex toys we're inwardly cheering, 'Go home! Masturbate! You can do it! You'll love it, we promise!' "2

Sex ed pros like Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, Carol Queen, Tristan Taormino, and others facilitate hands-on workshops designed to help participants become more sexually confident. Some teach particular skills, such as G-spot ejaculation, anal penetration, Tantric sexual practices, or the art of the striptease. All of them endorse masturbation as their core curriculum. Those who've devoted themselves to teaching others know that self-exploration is the key to sexual discovery. If you had the opportunity to attend a masturbation workshop, what would you like to learn? Would you wish to change some aspect of your masturbation practice? Would you want to devote more time and energy to thoroughly pleasuring yourself? Would you want to figure out how to get out of a rut—try a new position, a new toy, or a new style of stimulation?

Tristan Taormino got just that opportunity. Writing for _On Our Backs,_ Tristan reported on her solo session with Betty Dodson, the "mother of masturbation." Intrepid journalist that she is, Tristan arranged a private lesson. "I was so excited about this adventure I nearly peed in my pants," she reported.  "I was going to touch myself for Dr. Betty Dodson!" 3

Like any responsible Ph.D., Betty began the session by taking a client history—in this case, talking to Tristan about her masturbation habits and practices. "I've been jerking off since I was 4 years old, so I was pretty comfortable with it, but I still believed that I could benefit from Betty's expertise. You can never be too rich or too sexually skilled." Confessing her citizenship in the Prozac nation, Tristan told Betty that she'd had difficulty reaching orgasm lately and would like to try coming on her back, rather than her tried-and-true method of lying on her stomach.

Intimacy—closeness to yourself in times of solitude or closeness to others in moments of sharing and connecting—reflects your inner world as almost nothing else does. And intimacy begins from the inside; it begins with your own self.

**STEPHANIE DOWRICK**

Betty led Tristan through a genital self-examination in which she praised Tristan's shaved cunt, coached her as she began to touch herself, and offered up a basket of toys for Tristan's edification, including a Crystal Wand (the _S_ -shaped Lucite dildo designed for G-spot stimulation), a Hitachi Magic Wand, and a barbell that resembles the Kegelcisor, designed by Betty herself.

So what happened? Tristan earned an A+ in pelvic thrusting, but got a big "needs improvement" in the breathing department. Betty also pointed out that Tristan's reliance on extreme direct clitoral pressure was self-limiting; if she could train herself to respond to other forms of stimulation, Tristan would be a more "versatile" lover. Apparently, even the _On Our Backs_ Adventure Girl could learn some new tricks!

Tristan summed up the most important lesson of all: "Betty helped me remember something I knew, but sometimes tend to forget, especially when having really good sex with an amazing lover: The one person who holds the key to my pleasure is me."

You don't have to wait for an invitation from Dr. Dodson to brush up on your sexual skills. You can sign up for a hands-on sex workshop at the nearest woman-owned sex toy store. Even if you don't have access to a sexuality workshop, class,  or sex coach, you can rent an instructional video or DVD, like Fanny Fatale's _How to Female Ejaculate,_ in which a circle of women masturbate to ejaculation and orgasm, or Betty Dodson's _Celebrating Orgasm,_ which offers a glimpse of Dodson's famous hands-on coaching techniques. (One sex toy saleswoman calls this genre the "Jack La Lanne of lesbian porn"—because you can follow along with the exercises at home.)

**_Time Out!_**

Do you ever feel like your insides have shattered into a million pieces? Or that if you have to endure one more breakup you swear you'll give up girls forever? Time to take a break, sister.

Lots of people choose periods of celibacy, which is as legitimate a sexual choice as any other. For some, celibacy means not being sexual with others. For others, celibacy may also mean not being sexual with oneself. Both are fine options.

For some, taking a break from partner sex is a spiritual tool, a way to achieve a heightened awareness of one's own energies and place in the universe. For others, it's a strategy for coping with difficult life changes—a breakup, newly won sobriety, the death of a close friend, or the turbulence of recovery from sexual abuse.

But what if it's your partner who has taken time out from sex—though you're still interested in pursuing your desires? This can be very challenging—especially if you've made a commitment to be sexually monogamous with your partner. While you may not have chosen the circumstances, you might be facing a prime opportunity to learn more about your own sexuality: just you and your imagination, a loving dance for one.

When you take a break from exchanging sexual energy with others, all that energy is left for you. A break from partner sex can really move you forward and help you focus—you can finish that last semester of grad school or figure out what you want to do with your life.

Without the distractions of another person, you get to feel all of you. As Staci Haines writes in _The Survivor's Guide to Sex_ , "Intimacy with yourself means accompanying yourself through all of your feelings, sensations, thoughts, wackiness, and imperfections."4 Prepare to feel, really feel, who you are from the inside, perhaps for the first time.

Most important, a period of celibacy is a choice. I'm not talking about those times when there's no one out there you'd want to hook up with; I'm talking about taking a break by choice. Nothing like choosing not to have sex to remind you that all sexual expression is about choice.

You're hot, you're wonderful, you deserve every sexual gratification life has to offer. Taking a break from partner sex can help you to enrich your relationship with yourself.

Of course, you can schedule your own masturbation workshop-for-one, anytime you please. You can even set educational goals. Maybe you've never masturbated to porn. Now you can rent a DVD, unzip your jeans, and find out what it's all about.

Your workshop curriculum can focus on breathing, making noise, moving your legs, or not stopping after the first orgasm. Perhaps you've never had an orgasm—or you don't _think_ you've ever had one. This is your chance. What would you like to learn?

#  **Teach Yourself Some New Tricks**

_I'm a traditional girl: I usually just stimulate my clit with my finger. Every once in a while, when I'm feeling particularly naughty, I enjoy penetration during masturbation._

We all have different ways of masturbating. Most women reach orgasm by stimulating the clitoris—either directly or indirectly. Whether you lie on your stomach and rock your pelvis into the palm of your hand or against the edge of your kitchen table, rhythmically squeeze your legs together, thrust a dildo into your vagina or anus, touch your clit with your fingers, or buzz off with your trusty Hitachi Magic Wand, you've probably discovered a way to masturbate that works for you.

_I masturbate in bed on my stomach with both hands, using my sheet or some piece of cloth for friction. I've been masturbating that way for most of my life. I like to be leisurely about it—take a long time to fantasize and get turned on, then sleep or rest for a while afterward._

For many women, childhood masturbatory discoveries are today's modus operandi. If at 12 you discovered you could orgasm by rapidly caressing your clit in small intense circles, you may still be masturbating that way. That's great—you've no doubt given yourself years of pleasure. But, like any great lover who gets into a rut, you can become predictable and boring.

Some of your masturbation techniques may be necessary for you to reach orgasm, such as a particular quality of stimulation, and some, such as a particular position, may be mere habit. Can you reach orgasm standing up—or do you have to be able to stretch your legs and curl your toes? What about clitoral stimulation?  If the vibrator is held just below your clit, rather than nestled beside your left labia, can you still come?

You can train yourself to respond to different kinds of stimulation and different circumstances. The key is to be open to new possibilities and to be willing to suffer a bit of frustration in the interest of experimentation. OK, so you could play with that dildo for days and _never_ have an orgasm. Forget about whether or not you're getting off, and just note the sensations. Can you feel the muscles in your vagina fluttering as you push the dildo inside you? What do you notice in your ass, legs, and feet? Follow the sensations as they course through your body. You may surprise yourself and reach orgasm from stimulation you never thought could take you over the edge.

_I lie on my stomach with my knees slightly propping my ass in the air; I use my fist, with my thumb rubbing my clit; I rub faster and faster, sometimes stroking the clit or reaching to my vaginal opening, and use my body weight as pressure._

#  **How-To's of Masturbation**

Here are some favorite masturbation techniques:

• Treat yourself to ample time and privacy. Light some candles and put on music that arouses or soothes you.

• Lavish yourself with your most appreciative gaze. Get out the mirror. Spread your labia. With your finger, trace the parts of your genitals: labia, clit, vagina, perineum, anus. Feel the different textures of skin. Note the different colors.

• Caress yourself. Touch your breasts, belly, thighs, feet.

• Suck your fingers—or a nipple, if your breasts are large enough to reach your mouth.

• You can lie on your back or your belly, sit in a chair, kneel or squat over your hand or dildo, or rub up against a piece of furniture.

• Run your fingers lightly over your vulva. Notice which areas have the most heat for you.

• Reach inside your vagina and draw out your lubrication.

• Even if you're quite wet, put some water-based lube on your finger.

• Draw your finger up from your vagina to your clit.

• Stroke and pinch your nipples with the same rhythm you use on your clit.

• Gently hold the shaft of your clit between thumb and forefinger; stroke the shaft and hood with your fingertip.

• If you like intense nipple stimulation, try a pair of nipple clamps—just remember that the sensation greatly intensifies when you pull them off.

• You can masturbate in the shower or tub with a handheld shower attachment. Remove the showerhead attachment and put your finger over the end of the hose to create a high-pressure stream of water. (Do not spray water directly into the vagina.)

• Tug on your clit or labia piercing.

• Circle your clit with rapid, intense touches.

• Slip two fingers into your vagina and thrust against your G-spot; with the other hand, press down on your pubic bone and mons—so that you're stimulating your G-spot both inside and out.

• Slip a finger, butt plug, or string of anal beads into your butt. (Do not use the same finger or toy in your vagina, to avoid a bacterial infection.)

• You can hold a vibrator against your clit as you penetrate yourself with your fingers or dildo, or you can thrust a vibrating dildo in and out of your vagina as you touch your clit.

• Rock your pelvis, move your legs.

• Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe into your chest, belly, and cunt.

• Make noise.

#  **Solo Toys**

There are lots of toys you can play with by yourself. Favorite among them are vibrators and dildos, and the dual action "twice as nice" models with rotating shaft _and_ clitoral vibe for one-handed simultaneous penetration and clitoral action. You can play with nipple clamps, butt plugs, anal beads, and many items found in the produce aisle of your local grocery store. If you play with vegetables, make sure to wash  them first—or use a condom. The same caution applies to dildos, especially if you like both anal and vaginal penetration; just change condoms when you change activities, or have fresh sex toys at the ready. And don't forget the lube.

_I used carrots a couple of times but they're too cold, and I found out if you microwave them they're too soft!_

Some women manage elaborate solo rope bondage. (Do _not_ asphyxiate yourself.) You can loop string through your piercings and link nipples to labia—which will create an interesting tension when you rock your hips. You can attach clamps or clothespins to the outer labia and inner thighs, tease yourself sensually with ice cubes or hot wax, and even do play piercing. You'll find more about sex toys and supplies in chapter 17, Sex Toys and Accoutrements.

#  **Erotica and Fantasy**

Of course, your imagination can be the most wonderful sex toy of all. And erotica is a great fantasy stimulator. Whether you begin your masturbation session with some one-handed reading, a favorite video, DVD, or audiotape, a lascivious phone call to a gal pal, or a visit to a sexy website or online chatroom, when you close your eyes to ride that delicious wave of pleasure all sorts of surprising images may pop into your head. While you started out fantasizing about the hot couple in _Hard Love_ , suddenly you morph into a straight guy at the library or the sadistic librarian who leads him on. Who knows? You could be an uptown housewife seduced by her butch plumber. Let your clit lead the way. Don't try to have the "right" fantasies—follow the images that get you wet. Exactly what kind of touch are you really craving?

#  **How-To's of Orgasm**

Masturbation is a good way to learn how to orgasm—and all the experts from Lonnie Barbach to Betty Dodson will tell you it's much easier to learn how to give yourself an orgasm than to learn to come with a partner.

To summarize the best of the advice:

• _Give yourself permission._ Pleasure is important—as important as food or air. You're no less deserving of sustenance than any other living being.

• _Experiment._ Touch yourself in a variety of ways. Find out what feels good to you. "If you don't orgasm, that's OK—what's important is your discovery of what feels good. You can build on this the next time you masturbate," Cathy Winks and Anne Semans advise.5

• _Take your time._ It may take you an hour or longer to reach a level of arousal that can take you over the edge.

• _Breathe._ Breathing will oxygenate your blood and move energy through your entire body.

• _Make noise._ You can't hold your breath when you're moaning.

• _Move._ Rock your pelvis, move your legs. Notice the energy building as you move.

• _Use a vibrator._ Many women find the intense, reliable sensations of the vibrator necessary for reaching orgasm.

• _Use lube._ Put some water-based lube on the head of the vibrator, on your finger, and on your clit. Spread the lube around so that it coats your entire vulva.

• _Stop and start._ If you get frustrated, back off and let your sexual sensation slowly build up again. "Try not to get too fixated on the orgasm or else 'trying too hard' might kill your arousal," Winks and Semans write.6

• _Don't tense up._ Play with the tension in your body. Contract and relax.

• _Practice._ Lonnie Barbach recommends that you set aside an hour a day, every day, for up to six weeks.7

• _Do your Kegels._ Annie Sprinkle writes: "Squeeze the pubococcygeus muscles (the muscles you squeeze to stop the flow of urine) on the exhale. These squeezes can actually stimulate the clitoris and G-spot, while pumping up energy throughout your entire body. In other words, inhale while filling your belly like a balloon, exhale and flatten your back while contracting the PC muscles." 8

• _Feel your feelings._ Sexual feelings can stir up grief, anger, or fear. Backing off from sexual stimulation may make sense in the moment—but the cost is dear.

• _Get help._ There are many ways to approach your sexual healing. You can try somatic healing practices designed to help you heal trauma in your body. You can see a therapist to explore why you have a problem reaching orgasm. You can work with a sex therapist or surrogate. Or arrange a session with an orgasm coach.

• _Read a sex guide._ Aphrodite, the savvy online advice columnist at A Woman's Touch boutique, reveals that _she_ learned to masturbate by reading _Our Bodies, Ourselves._ 9 Even sex goddesses had to learn somewhere. Investigate videos, DVDs, books, and workshops. See the resources section for details.

#  **Masturbating with a Partner**

_I absolutely love to be a witness to a lover enjoying her own body; it is such a beautiful personal intimacy. I've used masturbating to turn my partner on, too, which is really fun. It is very empowering to be openly appreciated and acknowledged and not shamed for masturbating._

You might find nothing is more tantalizing than your partner parading her arousal in front of you, working herself up to a colossal orgasm as you sit helplessly stewing in your own juices. When you masturbate in front of your partner, you're inviting her to witness you pouring loving energy into yourself. You give her evidence that you value your sexual pleasure. It's a sign of trust to allow someone to witness you in such an unguarded moment.

_Masturbating to orgasm in front of my partner brings up a lot of my issues around self-acceptance. I feel self-conscious because the spotlight's entirely on me—I'm being watched. I worry that I look funny when I come._

Not only do you get to revel in your partner's gaze, you won't have to cope with the problem of the well-meaning (but clueless) partner who has no idea how you like your clitoris stroked. If the idea of explaining your preferences leaves you tongue-tied, you can rely on your freshman English teacher's favorite rule: Show, don't tell.

_I don't think twice about having a wank in front of my partner. Especially if she's tied up._

Phone sex turns your awareness to aural stimulation. As you touch yourself, the sounds of your partner touching herself intensify your experience. Cybersex, most of all in the form of chatroom sex, is a great tool for becoming adept at using words to describe your erotic experiences. With the advent of devices like Apple's iSight, you can answer an online personal ad and then have real-time online sex, regardless of where you live.

**Illustration 4. Masturbating with a Partner**

You may discover the exhibitionist in you; and your partner may discover her inner voyeur. Every time you take a sexual risk, the possibility exists that you may widen and enhance your sexuality.

You can also touch yourself during partner sex. Sometimes it's just easier to take care of your own orgasm and leave your partner free to concentrate on other things—reaming your butt, filling your vagina with her fingers, wielding the G-Spotter, or sucking your nipples. Many women discover that they can come more reliably, more intensely, more easily when they touch themselves during partner sex. And when your partner is relieved of the job of "making" you come, she may be more creative, more assertive, more confident in pleasuring you.

If you come by your own hand (or vibrator), it still "counts." I discovered this sexual truth while watching a gay porn video at a queer film festival. As the star was being anally penetrated by his well-hung partner, he stimulated his penis. I was struck by the similarity to lesbian sex and the practice of touching one's clitoris while being penetrated by a woman partner. That the star brought himself to orgasm during partner sex was depicted as totally hot. The theater (packed to overflowing with gay men) was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop—or a zipper.

Notice how generously you treat yourself. Do you bring as much creativity to your own arousal as you would to your partners'? If you masturbate once a week, is that OK? Once a day? Three times a day? How much pleasure are you worth?

#  **Suggested Web Links**

BETTY DODSON'S HOME PAGE

www.bettydodson.com

VULVA UNIVERSITY MASTURBATION CLASS

www.houseochicks.com/vulvauniversity/masturbate/masturbation.html

SOURCE OF QUOTE

Stephanie Dowrick, _Intimacy and Solitude_ (W. W. Norton, 1995), 5.


Input: Write a chapter about communication and finding sex partners. Discuss the various places where one can find potential partners, such as at school, work, bars, clubs, gyms, and online. Provide tips for finding partners in different geographical locations, emphasizing that the basics of meeting potential partners are the same regardless of where one lives. Emphasize the importance of knowing oneself and what one wants in a partner, and encourage readers to take risks and get out of their shells. Suggest hosting a party, getting involved in the community, and letting friends know you're looking as ways to meet potential partners. Provide resources for further exploration, such as websites and organizations dedicated to helping women connect with each other.

Response:
_**chapter seven**_

**Communication and Finding Sex Partners**

Where do I find sex partners? I go after them.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND SEX PARTNERS? Well, just about anywhere. At school, in sessions of academic conferences, at work, at a bar, at a dance club, at the gym, on the subway, at a sex party, in a women's studies class, in your queer youth group, at a 12-step meeting, at church or synagogue, while doing community activism, through introductions from friends, via ex-lovers (and even the occasional ex-husband), and of course on the Internet.

_Where did I find her? She responded to an ad I placed. We went out a couple of times, but the timing just wasn't right. Four years later, she was working in my department. Soon we were flirting, teasing, and trading little notes. I felt like a teenager again. Finally, I left her a note that said, "I would really like to kiss you."_

_Gyms are good places to meet women…. Praise the lycra!_

More specifically, you can meet sex partners while shopping for sex toys, at a Dyke March planning meeting, in line at the queer film festival, at the women's basketball playoffs, on parent/teacher night at your child's preschool, while marching in your local Pride parade, at the International Ms. Leather competition, at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, at Novice Night at  your local S/M group, in your neighborhood queer bookstore, through your polyamorous lovers, and in the park while walking your dog.

#  **Geography, Not Destiny**

Whether you live in Louisville or London, the basics of meeting potential sex partners are the same. Sure, finding lovers becomes difficult when you can count the lesbians on your campus on your fingers—and still have a couple left over to vent your frustration. If your town boasts few queer social resources, you'll have to muster all your creativity (and self-confidence) to find sex partners. But even in cities with bustling queer communities—New York, London, Berlin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Sydney—the well seems to run dry at times.

You can fly to San Francisco for the annual Pride parade, line up on Market Street with the cheering crowd half a million strong, and overhear an adorable pierced-and-tattooed dyke complain that she can't find a lover. Deprivation thinking will keep you, well, deprived. Honestly, if you think negatively enough, you'll discover a dyke shortage in Provincetown at the height of summer.

Want to find a girlfriend, trick, fuck buddy, or summer fling? Indulge yourself in every erotic delight at your disposal—especially your own erotic imagination and capacity for self-pleasure. Shine on yourself.

And in the meantime, here are a few pointers for finding sex partners:

• Know who you are and what you want.

• Take risks. So maybe you're not a party girl—but how many invitations have you turned down lately?

• Get out of your shell. Never been to a club? Dust off those dancing shoes.

• Throw a party.

• Get involved in your community. You'll meet women who care about the same things you do.

• Let your friends know you're looking.

• Go to a sex party—even if you don't have a date. Take a friend.

• Place a personal ad in your local queer press, alternative weekly, or online.

• Learn how to talk about sex. There's more to finding sex partners than moving to a city with favorable demographics or buying a new black leather miniskirt—though you will look irresistible in the East Village. Before you rent the U-Haul or spend next week's paycheck, learn some basic communication skills. You'll be a more confident and competent partner—and you'll learn about yourself in the process.

#  **Talk Talk Talk**

_I like it when she squeezes my nipples and talks dirty to me while I beat off. Very hot._

_Many women enjoy talking about sex. It can be thrilling to be told in scrumptious detail how much a lover wants you—and to tell her exactly what you plan to do once you get your hands on her._

Desire—communicated in no uncertain terms—is a gift we give each other. Think of your tongue as a sex toy (not just for oral sex) and of sex talk as foreplay. Your words can stoke the fires as effectively as kisses and caresses.

Some of us love to talk dirty. We whisper sensual promises into eager ears. We send salacious emails in the middle of the workday. We leave outrageously graphic notes in gym lockers, patent leather purses, billfolds, underwear drawers, and peeking out from the floor mat in the Honda—on the driver's side, of course. We have long, wet phone conversations. We spend days online cruising chatrooms for eloquent lovers. We make home movies. We tape ourselves having sex, and, as one woman relates, we hit the playback button again and again and again.

_My lover and I recorded ourselves making love and we played it back one day, attempting to follow along with the rhythms of that particular "session." It started with my lover going down on me. I could hear myself in the recording wiggling around, the sheets crinkling underneath me, and the wetness my lover caused between my legs. I could hear her licking me, in the tape and in the moment, as if in stereo. Her moans were echoing through my head, my moans were echoing through my head. As my breath became quicker in the recording, so did it in real time. My lover was so wet that when she rose to kiss me, all of my fingers entered easily, and she rode my hand. I had just barely gotten my fist inside her when she came. I could hear myself beginning to climax in the tape. I was tight, waiting for her to come inside me with her cock. When she did, I felt my entire body shudder, sucking her in. I lost track of what was happening in the tape. All I could do was feel her inside me and listen to our breath. I have never come so hard as I did that night. It was beautiful._

Effective sexual communication is the single most useful erotic skill you can bring to a lover. As Susie Bright says, "No lover is able to look into your eyes and figure out how you want to get fucked in the ass."1 Sexual communication includes being able to articulate your desires, fantasies, history, limits, and concerns—and being able to listen without judgment to those of your partners.

Communication skills carry a big payoff: Your sex life improves dramatically as you gain fluency in the vocabulary of your own desires. When you can tell a partner what you want—in plain language—she'll be more likely to meet your needs. (One woman wrote, "I would love to be fucked up the ass on the hood of my sports car"—a simple enough request.) Your partner will be inspired by your forthright manner, too. Soon, she'll be telling you things she's never said aloud before.

Asking your partner what she likes will also improve your sex life. You'll find out exactly how she likes to be touched, which will make you a better lover. You needn't worry about appearing inexperienced if you ask your lover how she likes her clitoris licked. Even if you've gone down on a hundred other women, you still don't know how she likes it. Asking is the mark of a sophisticated lover. It's a great way to get used to talking about desire, too. If you're too shy to open up a dialogue about your needs, start with hers. (Just don't forget to come back to you.)

Talking about sex won't ruin the mystery or spontaneity of your erotic  encounters. The romantic myths that great sex "just happens" and that a skilled lover can intuit your needs are just that—myths.

Once you're open about your sexual practices and fantasies, you can stop wondering whether you're "normal." As soon as you start telling friends and lovers the scenarios that fuel your dreams, you'll find out that you are hardly unique. Many people share your fantasies. In fact, some of your friends may come up with turn-ons even more kinky than yours.

Folks in the BDSM community (bondage, dominance/submission, sadomasochism) have elevated sex talk to an art form. Among S/M aficionados, it's a common practice to negotiate before engaging in play, exploring each partner's desires, needs, limits, and safety concerns to find a common ground from which to proceed. Even experienced players negotiate prior to each new encounter—as do novices, for whom a single item on a checklist of possibilities can produce hours of wonder and anticipation. Intimate partners find that ongoing negotiation helps to keep their sex life fresh.

Negotiating a scene won't make it less exciting. For instance, you can discuss an abduction scene in great detail without ruining the surprise of the capture or the specific content of what will happen when your partner whisks you away. Negotiation between equals is what makes power play emotionally safe—and what distinguishes it from real-world, nonconsensual power dynamics.

Negotiation is best handled in a nonsexual setting rather than in the heat of the moment. Take time to think about what you want from the encounter. You can discuss your hopes and desires, past sexual experiences, likes and dislikes, emotional needs and hot buttons, as well as your limits—the things you don't wish to do. This is a great time to talk about STDs and safer-sex practices, too. More on negotiation in chapter 15, Play Nice! (…or Else).

What traits do sex educators look for in a partner? Expressiveness tops my list. In fact, many women seek out partners who are able to freely articulate their erotic desires. Why? When you talk with a new partner about what you are going to do, you reencounter your own sexuality through her eyes. Sex becomes new for you.

Finally, communication is how you practice consent. Even if you know what you want, you can't give (or withhold) consent without communicating it.

#  **Tongue-Tied?**

Sexual communication isn't just for the chatty and the brave. Anyone can learn how to talk about sex—even a Recovering Shy Person like Carol Queen:

 _When I was (not so very much) younger, the idea of getting up before a crowd and attracting erotic attention would have sent me into a panic. In fact, I couldn't even imagine doing much of that sort of thing one on one. My idea of talking dirty was "I love you" or—really bold—"Oh, yes!"_

_Since then I've been photographed naked, recorded (video and audio) having sex, and performed explicit sex shows. That I've done these things is not only evidence of my recovery, they're part of it._ 2

Many of our inhibitions about sex talk are cultural. We're taught what's appropriate to say aloud and what's not. Especially for women, the bold expression of sexuality can carry a hefty price tag. _Slut_ and _whore_ may be words you've reclaimed as badges of honor, but in the wrong context they can still silence even the most fearless among us.

You may be afraid that at the core your sexuality just isn't good enough. That by putting your desires into words, you'll expose your basic inadequacy. That people will see how boring you are. Or how perverted. Or how tame. Or simply different.

Whether your goal is a career at the peep shows or to be able to tell your lover exactly how you want your breasts touched, you can learn to feel comfortable talking about sex. After all, you had to be taught to choke over those sexual words. You weren't born that way—think of a 3-year-old, happily reciting her new vocabulary words ("poop!") and dropping her pants for all the world to see.

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

• _Make a vocabulary list._ What words do you feel comfortable using to talk about sex? Is it _cunnilingus_ or _oral sex_ or _eating pussy_ for you? _Butt-fucking_ or _anal intercourse?_ What do you call the parts of your body?

• _Know yourself._ Nothing like information to give you confidence. Now's a good time to compose your own Yes/No/Maybe list. Take a second look at the "Erotic Play" list in chapter 2, Desire and Fantasy. Which of these activities  do you like to engage in? Which might you like to try, perhaps under very specific circumstances? And which are you sure you're not interested in? Write "yes," "no," or "maybe" next to each item. Don't forget to record the date—when you discover your list a year from now, you may be charmed by your innocence.

• _Talk to yourself while masturbating._ Start with grunts and moans and work up to your own erotic monologues. For an added challenge, record yourself masturbating and talking dirty and then play it back.

• _Engage a friend in a conversation about her or his sex life._ You might want to pick someone who's also struggling to break free of sexual inhibitions. Go to a sexy poetry reading or film together. Talk about the experience afterward.

• _Treat yourself to an online chat_ or an evening of phone sex.

• _Attend a workshop, play party,_ or other group event where people speak openly about sex.

• _Take a class._ Even if "Talking Dirty" isn't among the course offerings at your local sex boutique, you can polish your communication skills in nearly any workshop or lecture on sexuality. See "Where to Learn More," below.

#  **Who Are You Looking For?**

_I am attracted to big bodies. Give me the soft, plush, easy-to-roll-into bodies. Mmmmm._

What are you looking for in a partner? Do you want a sex partner whose sexual interests match specific interests of yours? An experienced bondage top? A fisting bottom? Are looks important to you? Age? Cultural background? How important is gender to you in choosing a partner?

"Oh, I just want someone nice" is a response that indicates you probably haven't given this much thought. Perhaps you know what you'd like in a partner, but don't think you really deserve someone that great. You may have been taught that it's wrong to objectify a potential partner by naming such specific preferences. If you don't own your preferences, someone else will do it for you. So take  a pencil and paper, or call your best friend, and start a list of qualities you're looking for in a sex partner.

You can also get too specific for your own good. So, you're looking for a butch Latina dyke, 25-29, at least 5'8", strong build with voluptuous breasts and big hands, who works in the helping professions, enjoys softball and all-night poker games, Almodóvar films and mystery novels, nonsmoking, kinky S/M top, who loves kids and dogs? Great. That's a start. But will you consider her if she's 34? Only 5'5"? Programs computers? Enjoys an occasional cigar? And hates gambling?

Give yourself permission to pursue sex—any kind of sex you can imagine, on terms of your choosing. You don't have to pretend to romantic interests you don't feel. Likewise, you needn't pretend that you want to play when what you really want is to find a lover. Are you looking for a woman who will want only you? A polyamorous lover? A safer-sex buddy? Do you want to find a partner with whom you can break out of a rut? Are there particular sexual activities you want to try?

_I've gotten better at asking for what I want and finding partners who like the same kind of sex I do. Being polyamorous, I frequently seek in one relationship the sex I'm not getting in another._

Ask for what you want (not what you think you should want). You don't have to mold your desires to fit a political agenda. You needn't feel guilty that you are turned on by women of a certain body type or that you want to meet someone whose culture resonates with yours. You can always change your mind.

_I went through this black-dykes-only phase. Looking back, I think of it as a cocooning phase. I was focused on learning about who I was in the world, coming into an understanding of my blackness, and I didn't want to be concerned with the needs or beliefs of white women. However, I did have a very powerful sexual reaction to one white woman. Eventually, I took this as an opportunity to explore the ways that my desire did not follow my politics. I had to find a way out of this discomfort, which was very much about boxing myself in. But it was also important for me to continue to make my beauty, my desires, and my culture the center of my world. Attraction for me would never equal loss of self or assimilation. Which is what I think I had feared._

#  **Making Your Move**

It's time to make your move. Now what? Surely there's more to sexual communication than lewd invitations whispered in a cloud of hormones. What about the thornier issues of partner sex? For instance, how do you ask someone to have sex with you?

Many of us have been taught to wait for someone else to make the first move. Have you ever convinced yourself that if she isn't making a move, she isn't interested? This would be comic if it weren't so tragic—since she's probably thinking the very same thing. You have only one sure way to rise above misperception: Ask her. The trick is to ask in a context-appropriate manner. The statement "I find you extremely attractive, and I'd love to spend some time with you. Would you like to get together?" is acceptable in almost any situation. "I'd really like to touch you. May I?" is best saved for the dance floor or a sex party.

You can state the conditions under which you might like to have sex: "I'd love to play. But I'd like to get to know you a bit better first." You can check out a potential partner's relationship status: "I never date married women. Are you seeing anyone?"

You can invite a potential partner to engage in a particular activity and state your limits at the same time. "I'd love to play. But I'm not into penetration right now. Would you like to trade massages?"

You can trade interests, experiences, and fantasies—and get your message across quite clearly: "I hear you're quite a skilled top. I find the thought of submission quite tantalizing, though I've only bottomed once. Would you be interested in showing me the ropes?"

#  **"No, Thank You"**

Of course, sometimes you get turned down. My own fear of rejection shrank to a manageable size the day I overheard a stunning femme graciously deflect a sexual come-on. The would-be suitor approached the femme and said, "We've been eyeing each other all day. I want you to know I find you very attractive." The femme responded, "Thank you." _Period._ She did not find it necessary to qualify her response ("Thanks, but I'm not interested in taking this further"), nor did she find it necessary to behave defensively ("No way!").

I understood in that moment that a genuine expression of desire had value, regardless of the response. I was no less beautiful or worthy a human being because someone said, "No, thank you." (I also understood that I needn't fear a rude or unkind response—since that would reflect a lack of grace on the part of the speaker, and say nothing about me.)

**_Signs of Healthy Boundaries_**

• Appropriate trust

• Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing

• Moving step by step into intimacy

• Considering compatibility before moving into a relationship

• Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you

• Touching only with permission

• Weighing the consequences before acting on sexual impulse

• Being sexual when you want to be sexual, concentrating on your own experience

• Maintaining personal values despite what others want

• Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

• Saying no to unwanted food, drinks, gifts, touch, sex

• Respecting others—not taking advantage of someone's generosity

• Respecting self—not giving too much, hoping that someone will like you

• Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity

• Trusting your own decisions and accepting the consequences

• Knowing who you are and what you want

• Pursuing your own growth

• Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind readers

• Clearly communicating your wants and needs (recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

• Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love, and respect

"No" is an expression of a preference and is as valid a response to a sexual request as "yes"—though it's not what you hope to hear. Respect that preference. Being told "no" is not an invitation to argue or persuade. Move on and ask someone else.

What if someone approaches you for sex, and you're not interested or available? If you like, you can say, "I'm flattered you asked, but no" or "Not right now, but check in with me another time" (if you really think you might be interested later). However, a simple "No, thank you" is enough. You don't owe an explanation.

#  **Personal Ads in Newspapers and Magazines**

The world of personal ads offers a wonderful opportunity to practice asking for what you want. Personal ads are especially helpful if asking for sex face to face makes you feel shy.

Even if you have no intention of placing an ad, writing one is a useful exercise. Why? A good ad lists both the qualities of the person you're seeking and the qualities you have to offer—plus a memorable headline, some vivid description, and a bit of witty repartee. In newspaper and magazine ads, you may be limited to 50 words. Not a small task even for a seasoned copywriter.

_you = f2m who likes to fuck.
me = f who likes to get fucked.
me + you = lots of fucking.
i promise i am totally cute.
so let's listen to some make-out music
and get down to it_.

Check out the ads in your local queer newspaper or arts and culture weekly. The nature and tone of the ads will give you an idea of who's using this particular venue and what they're looking for. In print publications, placing the ad is usually free, while those answering the ads are paying for the service.

Other venues for personal ads include the Internet (see below), organizational and community newsletters, national lesbian and gay magazines, and "straight" magazines with a hip readership _._

#  **Sex on the Internet**

_I found my current partner on the Internet. Risky? Yes. Silly? Perhaps. That aside, this is the healthiest, hottest, most solid relationship I've ever had._

Lately, women have been meeting and mating by way of the Internet in growing numbers. Whether or not you intend a face-to-face encounter, you'll find buzzing conversations, flirtations, and sex.

As a medium for meeting people the Internet has some advantages:

There's something for everyone on the Interet. If you can imagine it, you can probably find it, and if not, you can start it.

You can transcend the limits of geography. Even if you feel isolated in "real" life—the only boi in your campus queer group, or the only queer woman in a wheelchair in the entire county—you can create your own virtual community.

Beauty isn't always skin deep, and while many women exchange photos online, many more get to know one another through conversation—which is something of an equalizer, as you don't need to have the latest "do" to attract attention. Chatrooms are great for those who feel more comfortable in conversation than on the dance floor.

There's safety in anonymity; you can ask questions and try new things without worrying about looking silly.

You can be anyone or anything you like. No one knows you came out two weeks ago. No one knows online whether you're pre-op or post-op. You can grow  accustomed to being yourself in the world.

One person's Internet advantage will be another's disadvantage. That written and conversational cues supersede visual and cultural cues isn't a selling point for everyone—not everyone feels comfortable communicating in writing or wants to learn how to use a computer. There's a lot of trite conversation on the Internet. You have to put up with spam, endless spam. And publicly accessible chatrooms can be infiltrated by queer bashers and trollers.

The same freedom of anonymity that allows you to change personas when the mood strikes allows others to manipulate and deceive. You have to be just as cautious in opening your heart on the Internet as you do bellied up to the bar.

Websites by and for lesbian, bisexual, and queer women seem to multiply daily. Many of these are sprawling, multifaceted affairs with chatrooms, message boards, personal ads, uploaded erotica (both written and visual), links to other Internet resources—you name it.

Internet resources include:

• Message boards where users post messages on a variety of topics

• Live chatrooms. Online chat used to require that you understand IRC (Internet relay chat) protocol. You still can cruise the thousands of IRC "channels" that feature explicit conversation on every imaginable topic. But you can also enter chatrooms on many websites, thus eliminating the need to understand IRC technology.

• Personal ads and matchmaker services

• Email discussion lists

• Usenet newsgroups. The original Internet discussion forums, newsgroups are similar to email discussion lists—people post their views on a variety of topics. However, while only subscribers can post to most email lists, newsgroups are open to anyone who wishes to download the daily posts or post their own messages. So groups like alt.sex.bondage are heavy with spam, attacks on women and queers, and off-topic posts.

See "Where to Meet Girls on the Web" in the resources chapter for a selection of websites and services.

#  **Play Safe**

Remember to exercise caution when meeting strangers—whether you make contact online or through a personal ad in your local paper. Talk on the phone before you make a date. Trust your instincts—if your gut says, "No way," don't go. You're under no obligation to follow through on an initial contact, though standards of etiquette still apply. (Call if you have to cancel a date.) Cafés are a great choice of meeting place for first dates with strangers—they're low-key, inexpensive, and public. Here are a few tips for safe play dates with strangers:

• If possible, play at a sex club or party.

• Bring your own safer-sex supplies.

• Let your friends know where you'll be.

• Tell your date you'd like to give her phone number to a friend—a safe player will respect your caution.

#  **Sex Parties**

As Carol Queen so eloquently puts it, "Nice girls don't go sniffing like beasts around warehouses full of men with erect cocks and women decked out in lingerie and smelling of hot pussy." 3 Which is exactly what so many women love about play parties.

Play parties can be shadowy affairs in dungeons equipped with elaborate bondage stations, or sensual afternoon soirees with soft music and seasonal arrangements of fresh fruit. Parties tend to take on an individual flavor, and everyone has her favorites.

Sex parties, workshops, S/M demos, and other overtly sexual gatherings are prime places for meeting a new sex partner—or even a lover. The advantage of these events, of course, is that you can be sure to find someone who shares your particular sexual style—since talking about sex is encouraged, and cruising is often the whole point of the evening. (More on sex parties in chapter 16, Play Parties and Public Sex.)

#  **Sex Talk Guidelines**

How do you tell your hot new girlfriend her cunnilingus technique leaves a lot to be desired? How do you tell your lover of five years that you're dying to try out a new sexual technique, sex toy, or play partner? Before you enter couples counseling, try these basic pointers:

• _Emphasize the positive._ "I'd really like your tongue on the shaft of my clit. But I need firm, steady strokes to come—and please don't stop once I start moaning" will yield a more positive result than "I hate when you change what you're doing just when I'm about to come."

• _Be specific._ In her eagerness to please, "a little harder" might sound like an invitation to trade in her dildo for a jackhammer. How about 10 percent harder? 20 percent harder?

• _Be polite in turning down offers for sex._ A kindly spoken "no, thank you" is a perfectly adequate response. "What? Are you kidding?!?" will tarnish your karma.

• _Be polite in asking for sex._ Even if you've been living in bliss for a decade, your partner isn't required to put out for you. She's a human being, not a domestic resource. Say "please." Make it hot for her.

• _If you need it, ask for it._ Do you need lots of cuddling after sex? Time alone? A protein shake?

• _Practice compromise._ This doesn't mean that you engage in sex you don't want—or that your partner should engage in sex she doesn't want. But sometimes it's fine to put your wants on the back burner. (Your wants, that is, not your needs.)

• _Ask your partner what she wants._ You can practice active listening by checking to make sure you heard her correctly. "So, are you saying that you really don't find nipple stimulation a turn-on?" Who knows? Maybe she just told you that she loves having her nipples sucked—but not until she's well aroused.

• _Practice nonjudgmental listening._ As they say at the San Francisco Sex Information hotline, watch the "Ick!" response. You may not find her fantasies at all erotic, and you'd do well to turn down requests for sex acts that turn you off. But you don't have to make her sex "bad" just to say no to it.

• _Talk in a nonsexual setting._ It's easier to talk about sexual needs in a nonsexual context than in the heat of the moment. Grab a mug of tea and sit down at the kitchen table (unless, of course, that's where you're planning to have sex).

• _Pick a time when you and your partner are both relaxed and available._ As she's running out the door, already late for work, isn't the time to tell her you want to change your sex life.

• _Don't compare_ her to past lovers, put her down, or dump a long list of grievances.

• _Watch out for unspoken assumptions and expectations: If I can make you come, you'll never leave me._

#  **Where to Learn More**

Here's a tip for learning how to talk about sex: Attend a lecture or workshop on any specific sexual technique or form of sexual expression that interests you. While you're learning Advanced Oral Sex Techniques or How to Make Your Own Sex Toys, you'll be getting practice in hearing someone speak explicitly about a sexual practice—and you'll get practice sharing as well. You'll gain knowledge and confidence and feel less shy about telling your partners what you like.

No matter what the topic, most sex educators put communication at the top of their curriculum—since it's essential to partner sex. (Even a masturbation workshop will help you explore what you like, and knowing yourself is essential to effective communication.)

Many authors and other "sexperts" in the United States and Canada offer workshops and classes on specific sexual techniques. Both Tristan Taormino and Carol Queen offer anal sex workshops; Karlyn Lotney (aka Fairy Butch) teaches Dyke Sex: Power Tools, and other dyke sex classes; Annie Sprinkle conducts workshops on Tantra and genital massage; Barbara Carrellas teaches Urban Tantra workshops; and Betty Dodson offers her famed masturbation workshops. While most of these women are based on the East or West Coast, they do travel. The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and other large national and regional gatherings are also great places to catch a traveling sexpert.

Sex-positive sex toy boutiques often sponsor educational events. Sh! in London, Good Vibrations in San Francisco and Berkeley, Grand Opening! in Boston and West Hollywood, Toys in Babeland in Seattle and New York City, A Woman's Touch in Madison, Early to Bed in Chicago, Good for Her and Come As You Are in Toronto, and many other stores across the United States and Canada offer workshops and demos on everything from flirting to anal sex. Local S/M organizations frequently offer workshops and demonstrations—even if your interest in S/M is on the mild side, you may want to attend a program on negotiating with a new partner. See the resources section for more info.

_When I was 20 I had a girlfriend who was a total exhibitionist. She dressed to turn herself on, and turned on everybody she met. I learned my best-ever sexuality lesson: Assume that you—your body, your needs, wants, desires, and fantasies—are the hottest fucking thing on the planet._

#  **Suggested Web Links**

IRC HELP

www.irchelp.org

LESBIANS CLICK

Directory of links to online lesbian communities
www.lesbiansclick.com/Online_Communities/index.html

CLASSIC DYKES

www.classicdykes.com

LESBOTRONIC

www.lesbotronic.com

STRAP-ON.ORG

www.strap-on.org

SOURCE OF QUOTE

"Signs of Healthy Boundaries" reprinted from a flyer by Co-Dependents Anonymous.