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`` i am constant , jax . right now , your presence is enough . i have been alone for a long time , and i am content to know i will have a companion down the turns . '' `` i 'm sorry you were lonely . '' the idea hurts me . `` i will not be anymore . '' `` that much , i do promise . '' i 'm not sure even if march was out of the picture-and he 's not-whether i can be as open-minded as adele . i love vel , but i 'm not positive where my limits lie , and at this juncture , i 'm not free to find out . if we crossed that line , then it would be infidelity . he goes on , `` if there is ever more between us , then i will take pleasure in that as well when the time comes , even knowing that day may never arrive . '' i could n't ask for more than such patience and unconditional acceptance . `` so you 're happy to wander with me , after la'heng . '' `` sometimes i try to imagine what i 'll do , after we finish on la'heng . `` what do you want , sirantha ? '' nobody ever asks me that-and it 's part of the reason vel is so special to me . but i always loved finding new beacons and charting the territory . '' `` blazing new paths in the star road . '' oh yeah , he gets it . `` does that sound like something you 'd enjoy ? '' `` as it is something i have never done , i believe i would . '' `` would you consider getting a pilot 's license ? '' hit and dina have formed their own crew , and they have dreams that do n't include us . it hurts to think of all of us fragmenting , but march has already embarked on his own path , and doc is dead . loras is free . it stands to reason i need a pilot willing to commit to me , and one with vel 's longevity would be an added bonus . `` you can take the training on la'heng . that way , we 'll be ready to go together when it 's time . '' `` i will make the arrangements . '' pleased , i rest my head against his arm , and he touches a claw lightly to my hair . then he leans down and brushes the side of his face against mine . an ache springs up because i know what it means . he loves me , too . his devotion is not loud or demanding , but quiet and steadfast , a deep tidal pool that never runs dry . the contact is not repugnant , though his face feels hard and smooth . there are gaps in his chitin , where he can appreciate a touch . i ca n't go down that road with him . but like adele , i find too much to admire in his fine spirit to be horrified by the body mary gave him . one day , we 'll be self-sufficient . his knack with machines and my knowledge of gunnery make us a complementary team . i can see us turns from now , charting new beacons-with nobody ordering us around or sending us to do boring jumps . that sounds like the closest i 'll ever get to paradise . `` i always loved first contact , too . like with the mareq . '' no telling how long we 'll be on la'heng , but afterward-freedom . i live for the moment when we 're obligated no longer , and i 've discharged all my debts . `` always with the risks . '' but there 's a fondness in his words , echoed by my colors on his carapace . we are bonded through camaraderie and shared experience that few would understand . but it does n't matter whether others find our relationship comprehensible ; it 's enough that we know the reasons why . i only know that it works , and i never want to be without him . we 've been through too much together . i make up my mind then , pressing my comm . `` hit , get argus in the nav chair . we have one stop to make before la'heng . '' chapter 41 nicu tertius is n't what i expected . given the torment march harbored due to his experiences with the place , i expected a world of burning brimstone , black volcanic rock steaming sulfur into the atmosphere . instead , it 's actually quite lovely as we make our final approach . not on the level of venice minor , of course , before the bombing , but there 's an old-world charm in the lines of the buildings and the way the city is laid out to follow the river . we 're putting down in tyre , where march lives . when i saw him last , he asked me to move here , and i told him i would think about it .
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there could be no other answer besides the one i 've come to give , but i figured i owed it to him to say it in person ; it 's not the sort of thing that should be left to the bounce . still , i 'm not looking forward to the conversation , and i toy with the idea . if kai had asked , would i have been willing to give up flying for him ? the answer comes immediately-no . and he would n't ask , either . he understood it meant everything to me , and that all my loves come second to that great one . maybe it 's wrong to love a thing like grimspace more than any single person in your life ; i do n't know . but i ca n't be other than who i am , and i hope march gets that . mary knows , i do n't want to hurt him any more than i want to wind up heartbroken . `` are you sure you wish to do this alone ? '' he nods , and the others head out to explore the city while i hail a hover cab and input march 's address on the pad . i 'm beyond nervous as the lights zoom past ; at the speed we travel , the colors become lines in the sky , streaks of red , white , and green keeping pace with the vehicle . the cab puts down outside a ten-story structure , constructed of a pale material that gleams in the moonlight . it 's a lovely place , echoes of palatial style . but then , all architects want to invoke the idea that the emperor-or one of the hundred hopefuls vying for the title-would be glad to live in his building . at the front door , the bot scans me , then says , toneless , `` what is the purpose of your visit ? '' `` i 'm here to see march in 1002 . '' excellent security . naturally he would want to be sure sasha is safe here . he 's all that 's left of his sister . a couple of minutes later , the vid-cam scans the street to make sure nobody is trying to enter behind me , no suspicious movement in the perimeter , and the door kicks open for exactly ten seconds-long enough for me to step through and nobody else . the bot tells me , `` i will unlock the lift to transport you to the tenth floor . '' i do n't need to respond to that , so i simply get on and let it take me up . march 's flat occupies the whole tenth story , which tells me the conglomerate did well by him in the severance package . he sure did n't use my money for this . not that i would 've minded . when i approach the door , it swings open , and there 's march . he steals my breath . i always think i 've forgotten something about his rough appeal ; his strong-ugly face epitomizes the masculine ideal in my eyes-with his crooked nose , square jaw , sensual mouth , and amber-laced eyes . his face bristles with a couple days ' worth of beard . no military dress code anymore , but he 's still wearing soldier 's pants with all their pockets in a drab green . his white shirt is a little wrinkled , but he 's broad at the shoulders , strong across the chest . it hurts me all over again that he looks older . i can see the turns i missed in his face , creases at mouth , lines at the eyes . oh , march . he wraps his arms around me before i can say a single word . the pressure of his arms feels so good , so right , that for a moment , i wonder if i 'm crazy . why not just stay ? he kisses me with heat and longing , his hands in my hair , until i ca n't think . but a small person nudges forward and between us . sasha looks so much like the still i once saw of svetlana , with his fair hair and sea-green eyes . i remember the tk scare on gehenna , and my ardor cools . march lets go of me . `` sasha , you remember jax . '' by his expression , he does , but he 's afraid i 'll take away the one person who 's solely his , and i 'm not eloquent enough to convince him that if it came down to a choice , march would pick flesh and blood every time . that surety might hurt another woman , but i understand him , and i 'd never put him in that position . that 's part of the reason why i 've come . in a polite , small voice , sasha continues , `` we 're having pasta . `` what kind of sauce ? '' `` i like it with cheese , '' he volunteers . i feel so awkward talking with him . some people have the instinctive knack , but i 'm not one of them . so i try to treat him like a normal grown human . `` white , '' he answers . hey , we have a little common ground . `` with cream ? '' `` yeah , it 's good that way . we have to eat vegetables , too , though . '' `` green and crunchy ? ''
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sasha nods . sounds like march is doing a good job . he knows how to raise a kid . `` it 's almost ready , '' he says , ushering me in . lovely place . the first room is enormous , furnished with good synth-wood that shines almost like the real thing . everything is comfortable but spacious , with plenty of room for a kid to run without tripping or breaking something . at the far end of the main room is the kitchen-mate , then a hall that leads down to what must be the san-facilities and bedrooms . it 's so strange to feel march 's imprint here ; this is where he 's lived for turns ... without me . a pang goes through me at how thoroughly he 's settled . there 's art on the walls , for mary 's sake-some of it drawn by sasha 's hand . this is his home , for all he once recorded in a vid message that i was his home . that 's not true anymore , if it ever was . for long moments , i study the pictures . in prints , he favors black and white with bursts of red . in a rare intuitive flash , i realize that for him , i am those flashes of color ... the irresistible brightness in each frame . it 's both humbling and lovely , that revelation , but the color is always running toward the edge of the picture , always going away , whereas the other images in the picture are solid and show no signs of motion . that 's march and me , beautifully illustrated , and my heart breaks a little . but if he were the portraits on my walls , he would be the one going away . he left me twice , and i never tried to stop him from doing what he thought was right . a tiny hope i did n't realize i 'd been nurturing shrivels up and puffs away in my next breath . i 'm not going to convince him to come with me . i recall what he said before , and nothing 's changed ; sasha needs to attend school . he 's not an average kid who can be raised in the haphazard way i was . when i was thirteen , my parents took to traveling , mostly because the gallery was n't doing well , and i suspect my mother was getting involved in shady matters , even then , maybe even for the reason she claimed-that my father had no head for business , and they were drowning in debt . from that point on , my attendance at school was sporadic at best . i did n't mind ; i loved ships , and i loved the freedom . even dealing with an ai for lessons did n't deter my determination to join the academy , as soon as i realized i met the criteria to be a jumper . but what worked for me would n't suffice for sasha . time to forget that idea and resign yourself to what 's possible . march leads the way to a table out on the balcony . the servo-bot is already setting the food out ; this rectangular model with food-prep capacity inside reminds me of the ones on ithiss-tor . i wonder if they 're already in wide commercial production off world . maybe `` already '' is n't the right word . i keep forgetting how long it seems like it 's been , and how long it 's actually been . different time streams , different 'verses . we sit down to eat , and sasha has to be coaxed to speak . he 's shy with me , still , worried that i 'll prove more important to his uncle , whom he calls dad . i do n't blame the kid for feeling insecure . he 's never had anybody who belonged to him before ; he went straight into creche-rearing because of his unusual gift , and he was five turns old before march found him . so he 's pretty scared right now . what if march stops loving him because of me ? `` tell her your good news , '' march prompts him . `` i took top marks in the control competition . '' without meeting my eyes , he explains , `` it 's a program at school that tests how well we can manage our abilities . '' with tk like his , it 's imperative he can handle the pressure of the gift , and for his sake , i 'm glad he does n't have to deal with the constant influx of people 's thoughts , like march . `` my teacher says kids in the state homes do n't have as much support as me , so that 's why i won . '' sasha asks , after the food is gone . then , with a nervous glance at march , he adds , desperate for approval , `` you can stay as long as you want . '' anything , as long as you do n't ask dad to go away with you again . `` that 's kind of you , '' i reply . as we leave the table , the bot clears the dishes , and march takes sasha off for their bedtime ritual .
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on the balcony , i stand and stare at the stars , trying to imagine what it would be like , living here , seeing the same constellations in the night sky . but i can only think of what waits beyond the atmosphere , all the wonders i 've yet to see . as i 'd known when he asked me to join him , i ca n't imagine this life , the one he 's chosen , as mine . and it 's time to tell him so . chapter 42 `` he 's a beautiful kid , '' i say . `` you 've done a great job with him . '' sasha has been asleep for about an hour , after three stories and two drinks of water , and now march and i stand on his balcony overlooking the lights of tyre , the jewel in the newly crowned emperor 's throne . maybe this one will last longer than six months in the cutthroat nicuan political climate . i never dreamed he would settle here when this world drove him crazy-nearly cost him everything-but sasha 's school is here , and he 'd do anything for the boy . i love him more than anything . '' that 's not news . i can see it in their interactions . all kids should have that , and it 's wrong that they do n't . i would n't alter the situation for a billion creds . would things be different now if i 'd gone to nicuan as soon as i was acquitted ? impossible to say or know . five fragging turns . i still ca n't get over that . i 'm standing with march , seeing the echoes , and he 's lived a lot in that time-resigned his military commission , given up flying , and become responsible for another human being . thing is , we always knew i was n't meant to settle down , and that 's exactly what he 's done . granted , i was n't around to give him an alternative , so he had to do what was best for sasha . special psi school , a nice penthouse overlooking the river . i watch the flat-bottom boats cruise along ; white lights rim the edges , giving them a jolly air . they 're celebrating something down there , some local festival . the music and laughter make me feel even more melancholy . there 's no point in dragging this out . i came here , hoping i could salvage something , but he 's settled . sasha calls him dad , and i ca n't compete . it 's crystal clear to me that march needs this even though it breaks my heart . `` i 'm going to la'heng , '' i tell him . `` the cure worked on loras , so we 're ready to try and get the necessary permissions to start trials on a larger scale . '' it 'll take time , but i have no doubt you can do it . '' i do n't deserve his faith-not after everything i 've put him through-but it still lights me up . i pause , hating the awkwardness . `` do you want me to head out ? i do n't know your policy on overnight guests . '' knowing march , he errs on the side of caution and does n't indulge in behavior that could hurt his nephew . i do n't expect he 's been faithful to me all this time , half suspecting i was dead . i 'm sure there have been women . i just do n't want to hear about them . not when i still love him , and i am walking away from him , even if it 's not forever . mary grant it 's not . `` i do n't ever want you to leave , '' he says softly . the morning is soon enough . '' my comm beeps , and i check it . when we were stranded on the other side of the maker 's gate , the thought of him kept me going . day after day , i pushed on , even where i was tired and half-starved , when the cold felt like it would kill me , then the heat . but i ca n't be bitter when i see how happy march is and how much sasha loves him . he touches my cheek , catching a tear that got away . mary knows , that 's how i feel about march . then i feel him inside my head , as i have n't in so long . i 'd gotten used to the silence . this time , since it is n't so fleeting as it was on gehenna , i notice that he 's pure warmth , different now that he 's known a child 's unconditional devotion . the old march had rough edges and dark places ; this one streams light . i catch my breath at the difference , and he flinches at my secret pain . `` do you really think i have n't been true to you ? '' more tears fall ... and i hate them . i 'm not this person . `` jax ... you know how i said ... before your trial-that i 'd be there waiting ? there 's no one else for me .
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i live in hope that there will come a time when you 'll need no more wandering , and you 'll come home to me . '' i wish i were wired that way . as march said once before , i 'd wither on the ground and come to hate the person who tied me down . i was born to jump , to tag new beacons and keep moving . there 's so much out there , and after i keep my promise to loras , i intend to see it all . `` and i live in hope that you 'll still want me when sasha 's grown . i hope someday you 'll be ready to captain a ship again and join me out there . '' i tip my head back and gaze at the stars , crystal and diamond on black s-silk . it 's a lovely view , but it ca n't compare with grimspace-or even the beauty of the constellations in straight space . even if he asked , i ca n't stay . the promise to loras gives me a compelling reason to leave , but even without it , i do n't want to remain here . though i want march-and i always will-i ca n't do it if it comes with this life . `` someday , '' he says softly . `` what 're you doing in eight turns ? '' `` dunno , but i 'll keep my calendar clear . '' he braces his hands on the balustrade , not looking at me anymore . `` i ca n't make love to you again . not when you 're leaving . that last time , before you jumped , before the beacons changed ... '' he trails off and shakes his . his hair is long now , past his shoulders . once more , he has the piratical look that i always loved . `` for the longest time , that was all i had of you . first the trial ... and then you were just gone . before that , i had that memory . of making love to you ... and then waking up alone . finding your message . that felt like death . but i kept moving . and then the morgut-i just ca n't , that 's all . '' i 'm not in the mood for sex . too much sadness , paired with the knowledge that i have countless turns ahead of me , and he wo n't be there to share them , even if we manage to get our timing right . i intend to try . he 's worth fighting for , but i wo n't change who i am for any man . no more than he should alter himself to suit me . i have had passionate kisses and fierce ones , kisses so sweet they tasted like pure honey and kisses that cut like knives , but until this moment , i 've never had one that said both hello and good-bye . much as i love him , i ca n't take more than the butterfly brush of his mouth , before i draw back , a tremor rocking through me . how i wish i could throw myself into his arms and stay there forever , but i must keep my word to loras , and for me , life is n't about where you come to rest ; it 's the journey . a deep , shuddering breath helps to restore my equilibrium . `` how can love be so magnificent and still hurt this much ? '' over the turns , i 've asked myself the same thing . '' i 'm not the same woman he fell in love with , turns ago , but love is delightfully tensile-and the best kind pulls and stretches to accommodate new growth . he 's not the same man , either , but i adore him for his steadfast care and his fidelity to family . which makes what i 'm about to do even more absurd . it 's also the only course for a woman like me . `` i do n't think i can stay the night . the parting wo n't be easier by daylight . '' vel and the rest are waiting on the ship , anyway ; they signaled me that they 're back from sightseeing and wo n't mind taking off tonight . the sooner we leave nicuan , the sooner we can begin on la'heng-the sooner we can liberate loras 's people . that 's not a trivial task . his smile flashes bittersweet humor . `` at least this time i get to see you go . '' farewell for now , my love . i say it in the silence of my head , but he hears . for now , he replies . and do n't think i 'll go those eight turns without seeing you . that sounds like a promise , but one unasked . we ca n't be sure what the future holds . i understand if you need to find a ... partner . someone to help you raise sasha . i do , i do , even if that generous offer threatens to break me . tender warmth streams through me . thank you , jax . but in him i sense the resolve not to . sasha does n't need anyone else , he thinks , and might only be unsettled . he 'll wait , like he promised .
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and as sasha gets older and more secure , he 'll come to la'heng , or i can visit here . it 's not impossible , just ... hard . but things always are with us . `` always '' is a word that carries both magic and despair . i clutch it to my heart like a bladed fan . i run then ; i ca n't bear anymore . blindly , i seek the door , navigating his finely furnished living room through a field of tears . the door recognizes me and lets me out , and i weep silently in the lift , which takes me to the ground , unasked . march stays with me , and i feel his pain as well . the anguish amplifies in my head until i know he 's crying , too . not for me , i tell him . do n't let sasha see you sad . i 'll comm . me , too , love . the tenuous connection breaks as i stop on the first floor . i 'm too far away from him now . too far , too far . squaring my shoulders , i exit his building and walk backward until i can see his apartment . he 's still on the balcony , watching me go , as he promised . i stop and lift a hand to him , a dark silhouette against the starry sky . he puts his palm up , and i feel the heat of his touch across the distance . i am not the woman to raise a child with him , but i am the one he loves . there will be a someday . then i turn and hurry toward the hover-cab stand . i am not born to be an earthbound thing . even as i step into the cab and it lifts , so does my heart . i believe in a future where all things are possible , promises are kept , and you can , indeed , go home again . and he will be waiting . chapter 1 this is not a love story . it is my life , and as such , there is love , loss , war , death , and sacrifice . it 's about things that needed to be done and choices made . i regret nothing . it 's easy to say that . harder to mean it . sometimes i look back on the branching paths i took to wind up here , and i wonder if there was another road , an easier road , that ends somewhere else . yet it all boils down to a promise . that 's why i 'm on la'heng , after all . the la'hengrin have been enslaved too long . it 's time to change the status quo . but after six months of futile appointments and following procedure , i 'm ready to tear my hair out . instead , i sit obediently outside the legate 's office , as if this meeting will turn out any different . the pretty robotics assistant monitors me with discreet glances , as if the vi has been programmed to see how long people will wait before storming off in a fit of rage . so far , i 've been here for four hours . i hear a door open and close down the hall , and i recognize the legate as he tries to slide by me . it is around lunchtime , so i push to my feet . `` how lovely of you to make it a social occasion , '' i purr , falling into step with legate flavius . he 's caught the assignment to deal with all of our appeals , which makes me think he pissed somebody off . his favorite tactic is avoidance , but since i 've caught him , he ca n't dismiss me without calling for a centurion to eject me from the premises , and i have a legal right to be here . in fact , i have some grounds for a discrimination suit since he made an appointment , then refused to honor it , as he would n't do to a nicuan citizen . `` come along , ms. jax , '' he says with weary resignation . `` there 's a place nearby that does an excellent salad , and they have truly superior wine . none of the local shite . '' fantastic , so he 's a snob , and he thinks nothing on la'heng could be as good as what they import from elsewhere . i make a note of that and walk beside him , mentally lining up my arguments . he makes polite , strained small talk on the way to the restaurant , which is atop one of the towering structures nearby . the floor rotates slowly , granting a luxurious view first of the harbor , then the governor 's palace in the distance . in jineba , the buildings are like terran trees , where the rings reveal their age ; you can judge a structure 's age by the architectural style and which conquerors designed it . the nicuan occupation results in a series of colonial buildings , where pillars and columns mask the modern heart . the penthouse dining room shares that quality , and there are la'hengrin workers instead of bots . they take our orders with quiet humility , and i loathe their subservience because someone has ordered them to labor here . it was n't a choice , and they do n't receive wages .
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whatever the nobles call it , this is slavery . since human interference on la'heng , this has been the situation on their homeworld ; their `` protectors '' have not treated them well . over the turns , la'heng has changed hands multiple times-sold off like a corporate asset-and currently , nicuan nobles hold the power . they treat the planet like a vacation colony , complete with native serfs . legate flavius orders for us without asking what i want . to a man like him , i suppose it does n't matter . once the niceties are attended , he steeples his hands and regards me across the white-linen-covered table . `` make your case , then . '' `` under the homeland health care act , ratified by the human board of directors in 4867 , the natives of la'heng have the right to the best possible treatments , including and not limited to experimental medications . carvati 's cure ameliorates damage created by widespread exposure to rc-17 . '' when humanity seeded the atmosphere with a chemical that was meant to keep the la'hengrin compliant , we did n't factor for their adaptive physiology . it 's been centuries now , and the effects linger still . `` therefore , the nicuan council actively prohibits a treatment that will improve quality of life for the la'hengrin , which is unlawful according to article thirty-seven , codicil- '' the legate sighs faintly . `` yes , you 've inundated my office with claims about your miracle drug . unfortunately , you have n't passed licensing through the drug administration . as i recall , there have been no trials . what kind of monsters would we be if we permitted you to use the la'heng to test your product ? '' the kind who makes the la'hengrin your slaves , like the ones you have at home . i grind my teeth , holding the retort . `` we applied for permits to begin trials three months ago . they were denied due to lack of residency requirements . '' on nicu tertius , the slave trade is legal . there 's also a complicated caste system and petty aristocracy constantly warring for the emperor 's purple robes . many nobles posted on la'heng exude a smug superiority that grates on my nerves . this legate is no exception , and it taxes my patience to deal with him . flavius smiles . unfortunately , you must achieve residency on la'heng before you can expect to receive rights that come with citizenship . '' i want to come across the table and punch him in the face . instead , i bite my inner lip until i taste copper . the pain focuses my anger into a laser . `` i applied for citizenship , '' i say carefully . `` and my request was denied . '' the unctuous smile widens . `` i did see that . your regrettable past makes you rather ... undesirable , ms . i bite out . `` first , farwan corporation charged you with terrorism- '' `` those accusations were entirely baseless , '' i snap . `` as if the business with farwan was n't questionable enough , your military career ended in a rather colorful fashion , did it not ? to whit , charges of mass murder , dereliction of duty , and high treason . '' `` i was acquitted . it 's illegal to deny me services due to crimes the court judged i did not commit . '' `` hm , '' he says , feigning concern . `` well , feel free to appeal within the conglomerate courts . since we are , at least in the tertiary sense , subject to their laws and jurisdictions , if they deem our denial to violate your rights as a conglomerate citizen in good standing , then we will certainly reconsider the decision . '' he knows that will take turns , damn him . turns to appeal the rejection . turns to get another application approved . then i 'll have to start over with the permissions to initiate drug trials . they 're trying to kill the resistance with blocks and delays . holding my temper with sheer willpower , i say , `` so you allege that you 're denying progress with the cure for the good of the la'heng . '' there 's that awful , hateful smile again . we take our duty as their protectors very seriously . '' i shove back from the table and stalk away . there 's no way i 'm spending another minute with this jackass , now that i know it 's another dead end . in the past six months , i 've met countless trifling bureaucrats who get off on jerking people around . the nicuan empire is full of stunted dictators who have secret dreams of being the emperor , and so they rule their tiny department with an iron fist . the fact that they 've been sent to la'heng often only increases their despot tendencies . they fall into two categories : those who want to be here because the rules are more lax and those who have been exiled for some transgression . the latter tend to be the most difficult .
|
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inwardly seething , i depart the restaurant and make my way down to the street . public transport carries me to the house vel bought , which serves as our headquarters . once i hop off the tram , i walk some distance as well . we 're off the beaten track for obvious reasons . as i trudge the last kilometer , i reflect that vel can try to reason with a**holes like flavius . vel may prove harder to block as he lacks my tarnished reputation . he was a bounty hunter known for his compliance with all regulations , then he commanded the ithtorian fleet to great personal acclaim . but it 's so fragging disheartening to think of starting over ; it would mean refilling all the paperwork , permissions , and applications in his name . and maybe there 's no point . my old friend , loras , with whom i have a complicated relationship , woven of mingled affection and guilt , thinks going through channels is a monumental waste of time , but he let me do it while he puts other plans in place . sometimes i ca n't believe it 's been so long since we first met ; he was part of the crew that broke me out of the farwan prison cell on perlas station , and for a short while , i owned him , which was pretty horrifying . then i left him to die , which was worse . i feel like i owe him , in addition to caring about his cause . but rebellions are n't born overnight . they foment over time with careful nurturing , and while i waste my time with nicuan officials , loras is working other angles . by the time i give up the whole thing as untenable , he 'll be ready to move . in a way , i 'm his stalking horse . while they 're screwing with me , the nobles wo n't expect problems from any other quarter . vel asks , when i walk in . he gets back from flight school before i finish up my work in the city , and it 's nice to have him waiting . before coming to la'heng , we agreed that we 'll explore the galaxy together , once our business here is complete . to make that happen , i need a pilot ; he needs a navigator . symbiotic . an ithtorian exile , he 's over two meters tall , covered in chitin , with hinged legs , and my mark on his thorax , a character that means grimspace in ithtorian . his side-set eyes and expressive mandible no longer seem strange to me though people on la'heng sometimes stare if he 's out of faux-skin . `` for shit , '' i mutter . `` who i am is actually working against us . or at least , they 're using my past to block my petitions . '' `` i am sorry , sirantha . '' when we first met on gehenna , vel had taken a job to retrieve me for farwan corporation . he slid into a friend 's skin and figured out a way to get me to go to new terra with him willingly . that could 've ended badly for me . fortunately , vel was as honorable a bounty hunter as he is in every other regard , and once he realized the corp was using me as a scapegoat , he became my biggest ally . now , he 's my dearest friend ... with nuances of something else , maybe , someday . but he does n't look for promises any more than i 'm looking to make our relationship more complicated . his mere presence defuses some of the tension and frustration that comes with the territory . he 's always supported me , believing the best of me even when i screw up , even when i do n't deserve it . `` loras warned us it would be like this , but ... i 'm not used to such abject , consistent failure . i keep thinking i 'll stumble on the magic handshake and get somewhere with these a**holes . '' he crosses to me and runs his claws down my back , more comforting than it sounds . `` it is unlikely . '' my mouth sets into a firm line . `` they 'll regret it . `` you gave them a chance to do the right thing . they are more interested in maintaining their own luxurious lifestyles . i shall not care when we raze them to the ground . '' his quiet assessment of their prospects makes me laugh , partly his calm tone , and partly because that day seems so far off . but i 'm capable of playing the long game , as the nicuan will discover . chapter 2 i 've consulted with suni tarn , the former chancellor of new terra , previously , and it 's time to bring loras into the loop ; however , it 's best we are n't associated in public , hence the secrecy . the former politician arrives by private aircar . he has the credits and connections to permit such an extravagance whereas the nicuan would n't grant me a license to buy a pet .
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|
a spring afternoon , though not as warm as it would be on other worlds , the sunlight is faint , and it has a sharpness like crystal as it falls across his face . to make things more interesting , he 's brought his partner , edun leviter . the two men step from the vehicle and cross the yard toward the house . at my behest , the door swishes open , permitting them entrance . to my astonishment , tarn was already here when i arrived with vel . he joined leviter , who amuses himself by playing with the noble houses , causing some to rise and others to topple ; for him , it 's a hobby , a sideline to his true trade . as i understand it , he 'd gone into partial retirement since he paired up with tarn , taking less dangerous work for his partner 's peace of mind . when we offered him a chance to do some real kingmaking , he could n't sign on fast enough . through the windows , the sky overhead is a gauzy blue . even in the city , air traffic is light since only the elite have access to the sky lanes . out here , it 's even quieter , as the la'hengrin ca n't own their own vehicles ; they can only operate them for their masters . this injustice has me plotting with a former politician and ... whatever leviter was . from tarn 's veiled hints , it was something awesome ... and dreadful . i never thought i 'd see tarn again , but our paths crossed my first week on world , and to my surprise , he did n't shy away as if i had the plague . he holds no grudges , despite my decision to alter grimspace beacons , creating endless complications for him . today , we 'll discuss the petitions . in the foyer , i murmur something polite and shake tarn 's hand . his partner is tall and slender ; he greets me with a firm handshake . leviter looks clever and sly . he has a narrow face with dark eyes , capped with well-groomed silver hair . a neat goatee frames a thin mouth , and his mien gives away none of his thoughts . from their body language , the two are more than friends though tarn 's never discussed their relationship . they 're both private men-and tremendously useful . more to the point , they look happy , comfortable even , which means they 've been together a while . `` your reputation precedes you , '' leviter says . i figure he 's giving me fair warning what to expect from him . `` only half of it 's true . '' leviter flashes a sardonic smile . `` is loras here ? '' tarn interjects . `` yes , the others are in the ready room . i gesture for them to follow me . outside the city , the house is perfectly situated for skullduggery such as this , and it 's large enough to house everyone-loras , zeeka , constance , vel , and me-without any trouble . since the property lacks a pool and formal garden , however , most nobles found it too provincial , and vel got a good bargain ; it had been on the market for a while . though it 's not a specific question , i know what tarn 's asking . `` i did n't imagine it would be easy , but it 's worse than i expected . '' `` have you cited the legal precedents , as i suggested ? '' tarn asks . `` for all the good it does . the nicuan are entrenched . '' as we walk , leviter says , `` i trust suni told you i have some ideas of how to start ? '' `` you 're committed to the cause then ? '' leviter smiles . `` i specialize in this sort of thing . '' i decide not to ask ; sometimes it 's better not to question your allies . the resistance is a grassroots movement with a few volunteers filling out forms and holding poorly attended rallies . at this point , the imperials do n't even take us seriously enough to shut them down . if anyone can help you get the job done , edun can . '' we can use all hands . '' this is true enough , as my own efforts have been spectacularly fruitless . `` ultimately , you know that the civilized requests will go nowhere . '' leviter speaks the words with grave caution , as if he wonders whether i 'm the sort of person who believes you can change the world through peaceable means . i would like that to be true , but it 's not . that 's an idealist 's dream , and i 'm too far past my starry-eyed youth to put my faith in fairy tales . yet we must start somewhere , and i want it on record that we tried lawful measures before we escalated . `` i 'd be surprised if anything came of them since the nobles run all the courts on nicu quintus . '' that 's what the nobles call la'heng . i step into the ready room , where loras is waiting . at the moment , vel 's at flight school , and zeeka is tinkering upstairs with something that will explode if he 's not careful .
|
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it has been delightful exploring the galaxy with the grown-up version of baby-z . before getting to know the mareq , i never could 've imagined such a bright and cheerful soul . loras stands and offers his hand to the two men . he 's average height , thin , with blond hair and azure eyes . when i first met loras , he had an unearthly beauty , which made his face disturbing because it made me think he could n't care enough about events to be affected by them . in fact , that untouchable aspect came as a result of the shinai-bond , which makes his people reliant on others for their protection . when you 're prevented from having experiences , you look young ; it 's natural cause and effect . in the turns i 've known him , he 's lost that deceptive innocence , and since he took carvati 's cure , loras has changed . the shinai-bond kept his integral savagery at bay , but over the last turn , he 's become fierce and driven , hardening into the steel he 'll need to lead this rebellion . i remember the promise i made to him , before the morgut war . at the time , i was trying to apologize for leaving him to die and to explain how much i valued him as a person . in response , he asked the impossible of me : `` the only way you can prove that is to set me free . '' from there , it went to impossible research and a remedy for the damage done to his people . though it took turns , we have that cure now . it 's not enough that loras is a free man ; his people deserve the same liberty . this injustice can not stand . shaking off the reverie , i perform the introductions . afterward , i take a seat ; and the others follow suit . leviter 's dark eyes hold a hardness except when they touch on suni tarn . if the man has an achilles ' heel , it 's sitting beside him , hand on his knee . after the courtesies , loras asks skeptically , `` will jax 's petitions do any good ? '' leviter addresses the question . `` so long as you have realistic expectations , it will not prove a useless exercise . '' this is why tarn brought his partner in ; he 's the idea man , while tarn has always been the mouthpiece . `` i 'll keep tabs on the situation . see how various nobles react to the emancipation proposal and requests to open centers where the la'hengrin can openly receive the cure . '' `` then we 'll know whom to approach . whom to bribe later . there may well be sympathizers who think what 's happening is wrong . they just do n't dare act . '' i fetch us all some kaf from the kitchen-mate . the tray comes with all the fixings , but tarn drinks it straight . playing hostess , i serve and observe while loras asks a number of pointed questions regarding their interest and commitment . after the brief interrogation , leviter scrutinizes loras . to me , it 's clear what he means . loras has a hard quality you do n't usually see in the sheltered la'heng , who are treated like children and not encouraged to think for themselves . unlike children-due to the rc-17 disaster-they ca n't rebel . loras has been off world , traveled extensively , and under the care of his last master , he fended for himself quite a bit . his time with hon left him angry and bitter , but it made him stronger , too , determined to do whatever it takes to free his people . i envy his passion because i 've only ever felt that way about grimspace , and that seems less worthy . loras meets leviter 's sharkish gaze squarely , then he shrugs . i came to la'heng for a new playground . this cause will suffice . '' `` what do you mean , 'playground ' ? '' loras demands . tarn says , `` did you hear about the sex scandal in the governor 's palace ? it ended in two suicides and a change of fortune for the noble they appointed to the office . '' it was all over the planetary bounce . '' `` that was my work , '' leviter says softly , proudly . `` and you did that for fun ? '' i ask , trying to understand . `` the old governor was a perverse pig of a man , '' tarn mutters . leviter eyes me with cold calm . how do you feel about men who prey on girls less than twelve turns , who ca n't defend themselves ? '' `` i hope he 's dead , '' loras snarls . `` he was the first suicide . '' something in that look makes me wonder if leviter had something to do with it , if it was a murder so convincing that the best nicuan examiners missed the clues . the man 's flat smile gives nothing away , and i decide not to press .
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it only matters that the bastard 's dead . `` who was the other ? '' `` his procurer . '' that 's an especially satisfying answer . `` let me guess , '' loras mutters . `` he bore the title of protector . '' tarn rubs his fingers against his brow , as if the system pains him ; leviter sets a hand on suni 's shoulder to comfort him . then the former chancellor asks , `` how did you know ? '' `` because it 's disgusting . and too common . '' loras clenches his jaw , staring at the screen across the room , more for the distraction than from true interest . the news is on , showing some dignitary proceeding in entourage fashion toward his next entertainment . a la'hengrin girl walks six paces behind the nicuan noble . she ca n't be more than eleven , and she 's loaded down with packages , treated like a beast of burden . and that 's the least of what you see in the capital on a daily basis . the la'hengrin have no rights on a planet that belongs to them-that we stole from them . the `` protection '' of the shinai-bond masks so many offenses , so many abuses , that it took a forty-eight-page memorandum to document everything i 've seen . not that i expect the court to care . `` you sent in the citizenship appeal today ? '' suni asks . the conglomerate rep said they 'll review it and respond within sixty days . '' `` it will be more like a turn , '' loras mutters . leviter shakes his head . i can pull a few strings . '' `` he has a way of collecting favors , '' tarn explains . `` that will be helpful down the line . '' i drain my kaf . leviter did n't touch his drink ; i wonder if he 's the paranoid type who never eats anything he did n't prepare himself ; he gives off that vibe . seems like it would be hard to love a man like that , but he 's probably different , alone with tarn . `` i 'll be in touch , '' leviter says . chapter 3 life is damned frustrating at the moment . it 's been nine days since my aborted lunch with legate flavius , four days since we consulted with tarn and leviter . i feel like getting stone drunk , but that wo n't help . instead , i have a meeting with the people loras has been working with ; they form the core of our rebellion . he 's picked up support quietly in the city , offering the cure to those who want it and are willing to fight for the cause . zeeka works in the lab with loras , producing the cure in small quantities . it 's illegal , but at this point , i do n't care . the justice system is totally fragged . zeeka , a fine specimen of adult mareq male , follows me on bare , webbed feet . he eschews clothing when we 're at home though he conforms anytime we go out . which means he 's got on a shirt and trousers today . his hide is mottled green with brown spots , and he has a pale belly . huge , muddy eyes dominate a round face , and the curved slit of his mouth makes him look like he 's perpetually smiling . he can also puff out his throat if he 's pissed off or feeling playful . it amazes me that i 've known this kid since he came out of an egg . he 's got an eagerness and a zest for life that never fails to move me . i face forward , keeping an eye on vel and loras in front of me . to be honest , i do n't even know where we are . loras leads us through a complex system of tunnels below the city streets . along the way , vel disables a few bots and wipes their memory cores , so they wo n't show a record of our passage . loras taps a code on a security panel , and the door slides open . there are forty people in the room , an open storage chamber with scuff marks on the floor and trails in the dust to show that things have been moved recently . vel leans in . `` they keep furniture here for formal state occasions . they have set up for a ball up top , and this room will be vacant for several hours . '' it 's just storage , but spyware wo n't penetrate walls this thick , and you can tell at a glance there 's nothing present . no panels to slide aside , no holes hiding video equipment . that reassures skittish volunteers that they wo n't be arrested as soon as they walk out the door . the fear on their faces reinforces the risk we 're taking . yet none of them leave , even as others join us . at last , all fifty of the la'hengrin arrive . at this point , loras outlines his plan .
|
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while i was trying to work within the system , he cured people ; he recruited and convinced them he has the wherewithal to change the world . he is ... amazing . a lovely , red-haired woman puts up her hand . `` is the base completed ? '' loras has been quietly requisitioning supplies and equipment , constructing our secret ops center in a mountain range to the north . i have n't been there yet , but it 's nearly ready to go . from there , our intelligence division will coordinate strikes and relay messages . `` it will be sufficient for us to commence operations in a couple of weeks . '' `` do we have enough personnel ? '' if we hit hard and fast on multiple fronts-with the right spin , the conglomerate will declare la'heng a red port , which means local conditions are unstable to the point of being unsafe for interstellar travel . they 'll lock la'heng down , giving us the freedom to fight without worrying about reinforcements from nicuan . and imperial forces ca n't take on the whole conglomerate , even to help their beleaguered colonists . that will give us time to deploy the cure to the la'hengrin and train them to fight back on their own behalf . `` enough to run the first mission and get the planet coded red . i 'll need leviter 's help with that . you 're still in touch with him ? '' `` contact them . i 'll go over your agenda with you privately . '' which i take to mean , shut up and let me talk . i comply ; loras is awesome when he shifts into command mode . zeeka puffs his throat at me in an affectionate taunt , and i grin back . mary , it feels good to be starting phase two . i 'm not naturally patient or tolerant . it takes another hour for him to run down assignments , then the crew breaks up . i wo n't see everyone again until we move to the base . i hate to leave the house vel bought ; it 's been as much a home to me as anywhere i 've lived in the last ten turns . which is n't saying much , i suppose . i 've been on ships since i was thirteen , apart from a hellish six months at boarding school and my stint at the nav-training academy on new terra . the red-haired woman lingers until i make eye contact . then she offers her hand . `` i 'm farah . '' the la'heng are an attractive people , but farah 's skin glows with a luminous quality ; her eyes are the green of a verdant hillside . and her hair gleams like pure , untarnished copper . when you combine that with a heart-shaped face , full lips , and a pointed chin , it 's hard to look away from her . i figure there 's some reason she 's introduced herself . `` he told me '' -she jerks her head at loras- '' that you once held his shinai-bond . '' i ca n't imagine this conversation leading anywhere good . not on purpose , though . it kind of just happened . '' i did help him . on lachion , when he was dying from damage inflicted by the savage teras , i saved his life when the others paid him no attention at all . in most ways , my lover , march , is a good person , better than me , and if i were capable of hating him , it would n't be for wrongs he 's done me-there 've been some over the turns-but for how march treated loras when he held the shinai-bond . at the moment , he 's on nicu tertius , raising his nephew to be a productive member of society , despite powerful psi ability that might otherwise cripple the kid . the long-distance aspect of our relationship has been tough . but in regard to loras , he had a blind spot-and he treated our mutual friend with the casual discrimination that 's excused because everyone does it . but it 's still not all right . farah watches my face while these thoughts tumble through my head . what she sees makes her smile . `` i wanted to thank you for that . '' if not for you , i would n't be free . your guilt drove you to help your friend , and the result makes up for what came before . '' from her insight , it 's clear that loras confides in her . she 's somebody i need to get to know better , when time permits . but he 's already at the door , beckoning me , every bit the impatient general . i murmur my excuses and stride away . `` come , '' loras orders . `` i 'll brief you on the way . '' after i hear him out regarding the interdiction on la'heng 's ports , i nod . `` i 'll contact leviter and tarn tonight . '' he turns to zeeka . `` how are you coming with the demolitions training ? i need a specialist . '' the mareq gives his wide , openmouthed smile .
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it 's hard to locate helpful texts . the ones i do find are old or outdated . '' yeah , for obvious reasons , the nicuan nobles do n't want the la'hengrin having access to that kind of information . though they ca n't fight , i 'm not clear on how far the boundaries stretch . could they trap an expanse of land ? the result would certainly be aggressive , but since they would n't be doing it directly ... well , i 'll have to ask loras . it might be a loophole we can use out in the provinces . zeeka goes on , `` but vel is helping me . '' on some planets , you could totally get an annex class in how to blow things up , but la'heng is n't one of them . the nobility controls credits , policy , and education , all the better to keep the natives ignorant and subservient . there 's an underclass among the nicuan , too , but they had the opportunity to learn before they arrived on world , along with the rest of the house retinue . i need you ready to go in three weeks . will you be set then ? '' this kid-he 's an adult , but it 's hard for me to think of him as such since i 've known him since he was a tadpole-gives 110 percent . the mareq have relatively short life spans . they 're grown by five , middle-aged by twenty , and die between forty and forty-five turns . fortunately , they breed and gestate fast-and in large numbers . they also possess the j-gene , which is rare and lets them navigate faster-than-light ships . few humans have the capability , and nbs-navigator burnout syndrome-has led to a dearth of jumpers who can take ships safely through grimspace . it 's possible that in a hundred turns , the mareq will solve the navigator shortage ; the star roads will be full of mareq . when i realize i 'll likely live to find out-via the experimental nanites that prevent normal aging-the epiphany startles me . loras is talking , and i 've missed half of it . i glance at vel , who inclines his head . he 'll catch me up if i pretend to be current for the rest of the conversation . i tune in with renewed focus . `` ... so it all hinges on leviter and tarn . this attack , in and of itself , wo n't be enough to get the planet locked down . '' `` there will be damage on multiple fronts , '' i say , `` but not the kind that closes ports . '' we need spin . '' `` leviter 's specialty . '' `` march is coming , is n't he ? '' `` four or five days from now ? '' mentally , i do a happy dance , but i do n't show any of my euphoria or trepidation . outwardly , i 'm cool . `` his visit wo n't affect the timetable . he 's staying for two weeks , and you have us scheduled to move in three . '' `` i was n't questioning your right to have visitors , jax . '' loras aims a smirk at me . `` i sounded defensive as hell , did n't i ? '' zeeka says , `` pretty much . '' this can only lead to ribbing , so i zip my lips for the remainder of our walk . when we get back to the house , vel updates me with the rest of loras 's strategy , and it 's solid . though i 'm not a tactician myself , i appreciate a cunning plan . in the morning , i set up a meeting with tarn and leviter . it does n't take long to explain what we need , and leviter agrees to do his part . on the bounce , he can make the attacks look worse than they are , and he can pull the strings on high-ranking officials to push for getting la'heng classified as a red port , no ships in or out . without a single shot fired , the war has begun . chapter 4 march strides toward me like a conquering hero . instinctively , the people between him and me clear out of his path , recognizing the determined demeanor of a military man even if he does n't sport a conglomerate uniform anymore . i quicken my pace toward him , a walk becoming a run , until i close the distance between us . he catches me up in his arms and swings me around . i 've dreamed of this moment for a turn . vid-mail tided me over until the next time i could see him , touch him . he waited so long for me , five times this long , in fact , but i 'm impatient as hell , and it feels like an eternity since i walked out of his apartment on nicu tertius . he promised we 'd comm-that he 'd visit-but this is the first time i 've seen him since that day .
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work kept me busy , but deep within their compartmentalized slots , my yearning for him-and grimspace-never faltered-twin insatiable addictions . he cups my face in his hands and kisses me like my lips will save his life . an ache springs up , and i wrap my arms around him , heedless of the jostling passersby in the spaceport . he tastes of mint and a darker tang , expensive liquor . i lose myself in march , as i 've always done , then i hear his voice in my head : mary , i missed you . me , too , i think . march leans his brow against mine until the kid , his nephew , intrudes . `` are we going to stand here all day ? stepping back , i glance around march to greet sasha . he 's less timid than he was when i came by for dinner . i do n't know enough about kids to be sure if he 's big-or small-for his age , but i glimpse the gangly promise of the young man he 'll become-he 's twelve now-and definitely not as childish as he seemed before . `` i really missed your uncle . '' `` i get that , '' he mutters , but it 's not fear or even hostility i see in his face this time . it 's just simple distaste for being part of a public spectacle . `` it 's good to see you , '' i say because it is , as it means march is here . first order of business is to get out of the spaceport and take him home . we have two glorious weeks together before sasha 's school term resumes ; he 's doing well enough for psi corp to sanction a trip . unlike when march dragged him to gehenna , this journey 's been vetted and approved . this holiday falls during the calm before the storm . since flavius forewarned me with his taunts , i know it 's going to come down to my lack of citizenship . when they block my latest petition-and i foresee no other outcome-then we have no legal recourse . which leaves illegal ones . loras has always been prepared for that eventuality . he understands that you ca n't negotiate with those determined to strip a planet of its resources and who prefer to keep the native populace in chains . historically , no homeworld has been occupied so often . putting those dark thoughts aside , i lace my fingers through march 's , noting he 's got their bags slung over one shoulder . he 's taller than i remember , but just as ugly-handsome , with a strong , harsh face , golden hawk eyes , and the bumpy , oft-broken nose . it does n't look like he 's cut his hair in months ; i wonder if he did that for me . i 've always preferred it long . of course , he tells me . a warm shiver quakes through me . two weeks are n't enough . it 's going to half kill me when he leaves , but until then , i have fourteen days with him . resentment flares that he ca n't stay-just a spark-quickly quelled . intellectually , i understand why he must go . he has to look after sasha . so i 'll store up memories to last . i tell myself i 'll be busy forging ahead in the liberation of la'heng , then put the prospect of another farewell , another separation , from my mind . the things i 'm gon na do to you in thanks ... `` you 're talking silently , '' sasha guesses , as we walk . `` that 's rude , you know . '' march grins down at the kid , and my heart actually stutters a little . i 've never seen him so ... free . words like contentment and peace did n't use to apply to march , but they do now . my resentment fades ; it 's impossible for me to doubt his choices when parenthood so obviously agrees with him . `` we 're not talking about you , '' i assure him . `` then it 's sex stuff . '' sasha sighs . i 'm not sure if i should show amusement , but march gives me permission with a nudge in my head , and pretty soon , all three of us are laughing like mad , loud enough to draw a few looks from other travelers , but this time , sasha 's in on it , too , and he does n't mind the attention . from what i remember of being a kid , mood swings like that are normal . you 're surly , then not-surly , all within half an hour , thanks to the crazy hormone cocktail running amok in your bloodstream . march asks , for sasha 's benefit . he 's gleaned everything he needs to know , and more besides , hanging around my head . `` i 've got a place . '' guilt surges .
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i refused to stay on nicu tertius with him , but here , i have my first dirtside residence since gehenna , when i worked at hidden rue and lived in a garret above adele 's place . i miss her so much ; and i know that vel is still hurting . it 's ironic that the same woman meant so much-in different ways-to both of us ; doubtless she would argue that 's evidence of the divine . for him , the pain bleeds on and on until such a time when he does n't feel like it 's killing him , measured in tens of turns . he 's good at covering , but he 's heartbroken , and i make an imperfect consolation prize . i wonder what march will make of the fact that vel and i are roommates . it made sense to take one place , divide up the space , and share costs . loras , constance , and zeeka are there , too , so it 's not like it 's a romantic arrangement . it 's all right , he tells me silently . i understand why you 're here . there 's a mission involved , and he knows that . it 's not like i decided to ground myself because the weather 's nice , and the scenery 's pretty . la'heng is a cold world ; the flora and fauna are pretty uniform . the trees go brown if it 's dry , but they do n't shed leaves . instead , needles drop during the drought . there are four seasons : warm ( ferran ) , cool ( ayfell ) , dry ( taivan ) , and wet ( shoofu ) . the weather definitely is n't the same as new terra 's because the patterns are more consistent , something to do with the moon and tides . in fact , i 'm already going nuts here . march senses it . if i had n't augmented all the filing of motions with training zeeka to jump , i might have lost my mind entirely ; dina was kind enough to provide us a nav-training chair and simulator before she took off . all told , it 's been a long , fruitless turn , and i ca n't wait to get march home alone . that thought cheers me as i step out of the spaceport and fasten my jacket . sasha asks , when a silver aircar zooms up to the platform . `` i 've always wanted to ride in one of these ! '' it 's a sleek model , sexy and aerodynamic , not boxy like some of the hover cabs . you feel like a million creds when you 're driving this thing , not that vel let me more than once , after i scraped the paint . he 's rather possessive of this ride-and i do n't blame him . march cuts me an amused look . the door lifts up with a hydraulic hiss , so we can get in . `` good to see you again , commander , '' vel says . `` it 's just march now . and you , too , vel . '' he chucks the luggage behind the rear seat . `` sit up front , '' i tell sasha , who 's bouncing . i hope he 's learned better tk mastery in the last turn . he does n't wait for confirmation , just scrambles into the seat next to vel . he 's definitely braver than the kid i met , because the bug does n't spook him a bit . instead , the kid studies the buttons and lights on the control panel , then he turns to vel with a bunch of questions . hope this wo n't be awkward . for a second , i forget that march is in my head . his surprise feels like a cool chill , then he asks , what ? vel and i came to a new understanding . it 's not the same relationship i have with march , but there are feelings , and we 've been together for the last turn . i 'm not sure how march is going to react to that , if he 'll think he 's got competition , which seems silly , considering vel and i are n't even the same species . it 's just not the same . hopefully , march is enlightened enough to get that . he skims these messy thoughts , and then there 's silence . not an exodus , but he locks down like he does n't want me to feel what he does . i 'm jealous he gets to be with you , he says finally . but i 'm not upset that you care about him . you care for loras and zeeka and constance , too . i do n't want to keep you in a glass box , jax . you 'd never survive it . unless you want to sleep with him . in which case , yes , i mind . i mind to hell and back . i 'm not that enlightened . your sainted kai probably would 've given his blessing . touch of ire , there . how funny , he 's still envious of a dead man . he was n't a saint , i point out . kai would 've said my desire for someone else meant our time together was finished .
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he would n't have fought for me . march turns to me , smiles , and laces our fingers together . for a few moments , i just listen to the ask and answer going on up front . maybe i should have expected it , but vel is good with sasha , patient without being patronizing . we 'll make it , march promises me . i know there are challenges , but we 've come too far together to give up now . we 've faced worse than this . and the next two weeks will be glorious . chapter 5 at his first glimpse of the house , march turns to me with a questioning look . `` it 's bigger than i expected . '' `` vel bought it . the place is located in the mountains north of jineba ; from here , the view is spectacular . vel depresses a button , opening the door to the storage bay adjacent to the main house . within , there are a number of vehicles in various states of disrepair . though he does n't have dina 's fine touch with machinery , he 's nonetheless excellent at fixing broken things , courtesy of his turns on gehenna . like loras , dina was part of the team that first rescued me on perlas station . she 's not with us anymore ; she put together her own crew , and she runs her own ship . while march helps me from the aircar , vel looks after sasha . i have n't asked him to entertain the kid , but this is the way it 's worked out . the boy wants to see the shuttle vel 's modifying . i do n't look forward to the day when we use it for the first time ; i 've had enough of war , and yet here i am again , ready to fight . in war , people die . but i did n't cut the cards this time , and i will play the hand i 'm dealt . march follows me into the house , where zeeka and loras are watching a news program . constance , my pa , is sitting with them , but she 's data scanning something , based on the rapid movements of her eyes . she started her existence as a small sphere ; she 's evolved to running ships and inhabiting a pretty robotics body since then . and i could n't get by without her . i 've seen her in two different casings , and this third one looks to be permanent . at least , i hope she wo n't encounter any difficulty . i bought her a paula from pretty robotics ; this time , she 's a grandmotherly sort of woman with a round build , a friendly face , and a crop of short silver hair . constance likes this form because it removes the issue of sexual attraction from most sentient species , and people are predisposed to treat her with respect . they also do n't suspect her of having diabolical plans behind her kind brown eyes . to march , loras offers a lazy wave in greeting , his demeanor laced with subtle attitude . he remembers being shinai-bound to march , no doubt . and he 's not thrilled about it though it would be worse if march had been one of those bastards who came to la'heng to pick out a pretty slave . march 's great-uncle held loras 's bond before ; i 've never asked what sort of man the great-uncle was , or what he did with loras . i fear the answers . `` come to join the rebellion ? '' loras asks lazily . `` just for a visit . '' but march 's tone reflects regret . it goes against his nature not to fight . he 's a bit quixotic in that regard , always taking other people 's causes as his own . `` you may not remember me , commander march , but i 'm glad i got to see you again , so i can thank you . '' that always astonishes me-that zeeka claims to recollect what happened to him when we took him-he was so tiny . i wonder if he recalls the pain of his death as well , but i 've never summoned the courage to ask . it 's enough that he appreciates his second chance , and that he does n't blame me for what i did to him . for once , march is pretty close to speechless . at last he manages , `` for what ? '' `` caring for me . '' `` anyone would have done the same . i 'm glad to see you 're well , '' he answers . i grin , deciding i 've let zeeka discomfit him long enough . `` but sasha ... '' `` you 'll notice if he gets upset , right ? he 's safe with vel . '' his distress is n't subtle . '' he follows without protest , the luggage over his shoulder , and i take him directly to my room . when the door swishes shut behind us , he drops the bags and pulls me into his arms . this is n't a hello kiss , like the one at the spaceport .
|
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["grandmotherly", 2213], ["sort", 2218], ["woman", 2227], ["womans", 2227], ["round", 2240], ["build", 2246], ["builds", 2246], ["friendly", 2259], ["face", 2264], ["crop", 2277], ["short", 2286], ["silver", 2293], ["silvered", 2293], ["hair", 2298], ["like", 2316], ["likes", 2316], ["form", 2326], ["formest", 2326], ["remove", 2345], ["removes", 2345], ["issue", 2355], ["sexual", 2365], ["attraction", 2376], ["sentient", 2395], ["specie", 2403], ["species", 2403], ["predispose", 2432], ["predisposed", 2432], ["treat", 2441], ["treats", 2441], ["treatest", 2441], ["respect", 2458], ["also", 2470], ["suspect", 2485], ["diabolical", 2510], ["plan", 2516], ["plans", 2516], ["behind", 2523], ["kind", 2532], ["brown", 2538], ["browns", 2538], ["offer", 2569], ["offers", 2569], ["lazy", 2576], ["wave", 2581], ["waved", 2581], ["greeting", 2593], ["demeanor", 2608], ["lace", 2614], ["laced", 2614], ["subtle", 2626], ["attitude", 2635], ["remember", 2650], ["rememberest", 2650], ["remembers", 2650], ["shinai", 2663], ["bind", 2669], ["bound", 2669], ["doubt", 2689], ["thrill", 2714], ["thrilled", 2714], ["bastard", 2788], ["bastards", 2788], ["come", 2797], ["came", 2797], ["pick", 2816], ["slave", 2835], ["great", 2852], ["uncle", 2858], ["hold", 2863], ["held", 2863], ["bond", 2877], ["never", 2898], ["man", 2921], ["mans", 2921], ["manned", 2921], ["fear", 2978], ["fearest", 2978], ["answer", 2990], ["answeres", 2990], ["answerest", 2990], ["answers", 2990], ["join", 3008], ["joinest", 3008], ["rebellion", 3022], ["ask", 3038], ["asks", 3038], ["lazily", 3045], ["visit", 3067], ["tone", 3090], ["toned", 3090], ["toning", 3090], ["reflect", 3099], ["reflectest", 3099], ["reflects", 3099], ["regret", 3106], ["go", 3116], ["goest", 3116], ["goes", 3116], ["nature", 3135], ["bit", 3162], ["bits", 3162], ["quixotic", 3171], ["regard", 3186], ["always", 3195], ["take", 3202], ["taking", 3202], ["cause", 3225], ["causes", 3225], ["may", 3249], ["mays", 3249], ["mayest", 3249], ["remember", 3262], ["rememberest", 3262], ["commander", 3277], ["glad", 3299], ["get", 3305], ["got", 3305], ["thank", 3339], ["thanks", 3339], ["thankest", 3339], ["astonish", 3371], ["astonished", 3371], ["claim", 3392], ["claims", 3392], ["recollect", 3405], ["happen", 3419], ["happened", 3419], ["take", 3439], ["took", 3439], ["tiny", 3458], ["wonder", 3469], ["wonderest", 3469], ["recall", 3483], ["recallest", 3483], ["recalls", 3483], ["pain", 3492], ["death", 3505], ["well", 3513], ["wells", 3513], ["summon", 3540], ["summonest", 3540], ["summoned", 3540], ["courage", 3552], ["appreciate", 3594], ["appreciates", 3594], ["second", 3605], ["seconded", 3605], ["chance", 3612], ["chanced", 3612], ["chancing", 3612], ["blame", 3641], ["blamest", 3641], ["close", 3701], ["speechless", 3715], ["last", 3725], ["manage", 3736], ["manages", 3736], ["care", 3765], ["caring", 3765], ["anyone", 3787], ["grin", 3869], ["decide", 3880], ["deciding", 3880], ["let", 3890], ["lets", 3890], 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it 's far more visceral , and i need his touch so desperately that i ca n't think . i 'm not made for long periods of celibacy . neither am i ... and it 's been a long dry spell , jax . yeah , those five turns where he did n't know where i was-in my defense , neither did i-then we reconciled and had to wait another turn . nobody ever said our path would be easy , i suppose , but it seems to me it 's been harder than most . his kisses drive me until i 'm wrapped around him , arms and legs , about to lose my mind . `` well , '' i say aloud . `` i could show you the rest of the house ... or- '' he cuts in , `` i like 'or . ' i am in love with 'or . ' '' while sasha is occupied now , he 'll probably come looking for us at the worst possible moment . `` we have to be quick . '' march yanks my shirt over my head . `` i guarantee that wo n't be a problem . '' his trembling makes me believe he has n't touched anyone else , just like he said he would n't . i gave him permission , but he did n't take it . like me , he 's been focused on other things . no sex , until now . he bites down on the curve of my throat . i scramble out of the rest of my clothes , too impatient to let him undress me . march is clumsy in his haste . i can see he 's been working out ; his stomach has new definition , and his arms are even bigger than before . i imagine him using fitness machines to sweat out the desire that haunts my own sleep , and he nods , still a quiet warmth in my head . i ca n't go slow . tell me you 're ready . my assent is all he needs to bear me back on the bed , touching and stroking with hurried , desperate hands . i dig my fingers into his hard shoulders ; and then he 's inside me . he holds there , kissing me ravenously , then his movements begin with unpolished need . his longing fills my head , a blistering , white-hot crackle of desire , until i 'm breathless and groaning beneath him . my legs curl around his h*ps as i urge him faster , deeper , harder , then , for the first time , he leaves me behind . march arches and shudders , his eyes squeezing shut . i do n't know that he 's ever lost control like this with me before . i 'm frustrated , obviously , but also a little moved . he wants me this much . i hold him and stroke his hair , his back , while he gets his breathing under control . a few moments later , he makes it up to me with fingers and lips , and i come undone with a quiet scream . afterward , he holds me , peppering gentle kisses against my brow . i 'll do better next time . '' `` i have no complaints . '' `` you have to say that , or you 'll destroy my fragile male psyche . '' i lever up on an elbow to bite him . `` have i ever given the impression that tact is one of my greater gifts ? '' with a sigh , i say , `` we should shower and get dressed . sasha is being remarkably understanding , but i do n't want to tax him . '' he sobers , his amber gaze going bleak with remembered pain . `` he noticed how sad i was after you left . '' `` it was hard for me , too , '' i whisper . `` i tried to put up a good front , but i did n't eat much for the first month , and i barely slept . '' the march i remember was n't quite this open . he found it easier to show his feelings with forays into my head , but he did n't talk about them . being a parent has taught him emotional candor , i suppose . you ca n't raise a kid to confide in you if you do n't muster up the courage to do the same . i can offer no less than the same bravery . `` i focused on work ... but i lost four kilos after i arrived on la'heng . '' he runs exploratory hands down my rib cage , noting the slight difference in my build . `` you feel almost fragile now . '' `` let 's get that shower . '' cleaning up leads to bathroom sex , which leaves us both shaky , then a real shower . we do so individually because showering with him might mean death by dehydration . by the time vel 's call comes , we 're dressed again . `` jax , sasha has finished examining all the vehicles and is wondering where the two of you are , '' he says . `` we 'll be down shortly , '' i promise . to give credence to the lie i intend to tell sasha , i take him on a quick tour of the house .
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["elbow", 2656], ["elbowing", 2656], ["bite", 2664], ["give", 2691], ["given", 2691], ["impression", 2706], ["tact", 2716], ["great", 2737], ["gift", 2743], ["gifts", 2743], ["sigh", 2760], ["sighest", 2760], ["showered", 2790], ["showerest", 2790], ["get", 2798], ["remarkably", 2834], ["understand", 2848], ["understanded", 2848], ["tax", 2875], ["sober", 2894], ["sobering", 2894], ["amber", 2906], ["gaze", 2911], ["gazes", 2911], ["go", 2917], ["goest", 2917], ["going", 2917], ["bleak", 2923], ["bleaks", 2923], ["pain", 2944], ["notice", 2960], ["noticed", 2960], ["sad", 2968], ["left", 2989], ["leave", 2989], ["whisper", 3037], ["try", 3050], ["tryed", 3050], ["tried", 3050], ["put", 3057], ["good", 3067], ["front", 3073], ["eat", 3093], ["month", 3118], ["barely", 3133], ["sleep", 3139], ["slept", 3139], ["sleeps", 3139], ["sleepest", 3139], ["remember", 3165], ["rememberest", 3165], ["quite", 3179], ["open", 3189], ["find", 3200], ["found", 3200], ["easy", 3210], ["easier", 3210], 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he only pays cursory attention , then we join the others in the ready room , where there 's a comm center , comfortable furnishings , and a big screen to monitor the imperial response to our petitions . `` did you see anything you like ? '' sasha nods with enthusiasm . `` tomorrow , vel is going to show me how to modify a short-range shuttle for in-atmosphere use . '' `` there are some ruins nearby . if we finish overhauling the navigation system , we can go for a test drive ... with your uncle 's permission . '' `` can i ? march tilts his head at me like i asked vel to do this . `` of course , as long as the weather 's clear . '' more alone time , he says silently , and i beam in response . chapter 6 march has been here four days . the time passes in a beautiful blur of eating , laughing , talking , and sex . though it ca n't last , i 'm desperate to drink him in . store up good memories to tide me over during the dark times to come . deliberately , he and i do n't speak of the parting that will occur in ten days . it 's like we 're in a bubble , where nothing bad can touch us . or at least , we pretend . `` what 's a normal day for you like ? '' it 's late , and we 're in bed . his arms are wrapped around me , and i 'm snuggled against his side . such moments without threat of attack or interruption seem like they 've been scarce . he regards me thoughtfully . `` i get up , make breakfast- '' `` you mean you program the kitchen-mate . '' march eyes me with a half smile . `` then i see sasha off to school . after that , i work out . do some household chores . when he gets home , i help with his homework . we eat dinner together . watch some vids . '' `` do you have friends there ? '' `` friendly acquaintances , people i talk to at school functions . '' `` but you 're not close to anyone . '' march strokes my back lazily . `` are you worried i 've met someone ? '' `` i 'm not seeing anyone , jax . that would be pointless when i 'm so in love with you . '' the night passes swiftly after that , but we do n't sleep much . the next afternoon , we 're all in the ready room , watching the result of the hearings . march senses my nerves and laces our fingers together . sasha is sprawled on the floor , playing a game with zeeka . vel is n't around ; he 's in the storage bay , working on the shuttle . i wonder if he 's doing that on purpose-giving march and me so much space . i need to talk to him , i think . loras looks resigned as we await the verdict . the pretty , dark-haired presenter on the vid stands outside an enormous , opulent structure that serves as the governmental hub , near the governor 's palace . like the surrounding structures , it 's not of la'hengrin design , as it was built when the first wave of invaders occupied the planet . loras growls beneath his breath . `` today , the imperial board of governors are expected to rule on the final appeal for the widespread availability of carvati 's cure . this miracle drug is purported to restore la'hengrin autonomy and would obviate the need for any imperial presence . '' maybe i 'm imagining it , but she seems sympathetic to the cause . from her appearance , she 's an onn-omni news net-talking head , not bribed by nicuan authorities . that means we have a shot at some fair coverage on the bounce . then , as we watch , a squadron of centurions march up behind her . their uniforms shine in the sunlight ; it 's not metal , but a synthetic polymer burnished to appear so . i glance at march , wondering if he ever wore that armor ; i know he fought on nicuan for many turns . wrapping an arm around my shoulder , he shakes his head . i never worked for the same noble that long . mercs become eligible to be promoted as centurions after ten turns in the service to the same house . i glance at him in sudden interest . other than the story about how he left nicuan , i do n't know that much about his time there . you never stuck with any house ? they paid well , but i hated them . so i had a tendency to get them killed . he shrugs , and i turn back to the screen , where the presenter is struggling with two centurions . `` you need to come with us , ma'am . '' `` this is violation of the free press act , my diplomatic status as a journalist , and- '' they stop playing nice , then . a centurion claps a hand over her mouth as the presenter thrashes , and the drone-cam changes angles , likely following its simple programming to stay out of reach and keep filming . the soldiers solve this dilemma by shooting it . red light sparks , then the feed dies .
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they permit twenty seconds of static before a new presenter takes over in the same locale . i can tell by his haircut , however , that he 's imperial personnel , not onn . `` the fringe group that has been harassing imperial authorities for the last turn was formally denied this morning . the imperial governors have chosen a course that is best for la'heng , offering the most stability in the region . in other news- '' i sigh . `` well , flavius warned me . i 'd like to stick a knife in that rat bastard . '' loras cuts the power . `` looks like things are about to get interesting . '' he looks between loras and me , his face a picture of innocence . this once , i do n't glance at march for guidance . kids deserve to have answers to their questions if they 're brave enough to ask them . i fold myself down onto the floor next to him , so we 're on the same level . zeeka already knows the story , but he seems just as attentive . `` a long time ago , when the humans first came to la'heng , they covered the world in a chemical that changed the natives . it made it impossible for them to fight . so for their 'protection , ' humans took over . otherwise , the la'hengrin would have been easy prey . '' loras takes up the narrative . `` since then , my people have been 'protected ' by a number of species . they strip our natural resources and treat us as slaves . jax funded research that led to a cure , permitting us to become self-sufficient again . but the current rulers do n't want us to be free . '' `` that 's not right , '' sasha says indignantly . i go on , `` so we 've been trying to get legal permission to open centers where the la'hengrin can come in for treatments . '' `` but they do n't want to let you , '' the kid guesses . `` because once people get free , they 'll kick the helmet guys off the planet . '' succinctly put , he encapsulates our problem . there was no way we could ever drum up enough support to deploy the cure legally . it does n't matter ; it was worth trying . i live for the day that people surprise me by doing the right thing . `` well said , '' loras says . march slides to the floor from the couch , drawing me back against him . i contemplate prevaricating , but there 's no point . he can dig it out of me ; he does n't have to ask . so i lay it out for him , step by step . and when i finish , he 's shaking his head . `` guerrilla wars are seldom won , jax . '' loras cuts in , `` that depends on how you define it . i can name several where the invaders were driven out because holding that colony became too expensive . '' we 've looked at the historical precedents . well , vel and loras did . in this one instance , i 'm content to be led . sasha aims a chiding look at his uncle . `` do n't tell them they ca n't win . when i competed for the blue ribbon , you said i just had to believe i could do it . i seam my lips together as march squirms . but this is- '' `` the same thing , '' the kid says implacably . one of these days , he 'll be a force to be reckoned with . but then , any kid with such strong tk , raised by march , could n't turn out any other way . i like him more this time ; he 's at the age where you can reason with him . he 's a small person instead of a bundle of agitated impulses . `` fine , '' march mutters . i know better than to expect he 'll shut up without having his say . he just does it where sasha ca n't hear . i do n't like this , jax . you do n't have the equipment , experience , or personnel to mount this kind of ground war . teach us what you can in ten days . loras has been studying guerrilla warfare for the last turn , but you can help him figure out what strategies are practicable . march does n't want me fighting a war without him , but he ca n't stay ; the conflict threatens to tear him in two . under no circumstances could he choose to stay here with sasha , under these conditions . but he wants to . and his pain is staggering . this is n't how i planned to spend his visit . i thought we 'd roll around in bed the whole time and come up only for a few bites of food . but it 'll give the rebellion a better chance if march assesses installations , analyzes the battlefield , and tells us where we can create the most chaos . he mutters , `` i 'll help while i 'm here . '' `` i knew you would , '' sasha says proudly . `` in fact ... we should stay , should n't we ?
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they need you , and i can help , too . you 're always saying i have an obligation to use my powers for good . what could be better than- '' `` enough , sasha . i 'm retired , and you have to get back to school . '' wisely , march does n't say it 's too risky for them to linger on la'heng . nothing rouses a kid 's interest faster than a whiff of danger . even so , from sasha 's expression , i suspect we have n't heard the last of this . chapter 7 later , after a long planning session and we 've retired to my room , march pulls me into his arms . he 's sleeping with me , of course . for the short time we 're together , i wo n't have anything between us , not even a wall . after he 's gone , i 'll deal with the heartbreak , just as i did before . the separation has n't been easy , but i did n't expect it to be . anything worth having is worth fighting for . `` do you think we have any chance of pulling this off ? '' he thinks for a few moments . `` with any other team , i 'd say no . but i know what you and vel can accomplish together . so ... maybe ? '' `` i 'd prefer more confidence . '' `` it 's not just us , you know . loras has quietly been building underground resistance . there are more supporters of an independent la'heng . they 're just not under this roof . '' `` you need a face for your rebellion , '' he says , pensive . `` we have one , '' i say at once . `` loras . he was the first to receive the cure . he 's free of the shinai-bond , the first la'hengrin to have free will in so many turns . his people will think he 's a hero even before the fighting begins . '' `` perception is everything . '' but it matters a great deal . '' `` he 'll work , '' he says . `` he has charisma and resolve . '' `` did i share the most interesting thing ? '' i project a gossipy tone , prompting a quirk of amusement from march . `` the former chancellor , tarn , is on world . '' `` i 've no idea , but he 's been helping with the petitions and appeals . i was surprised as hell to see him . '' does he have another job here as well ? '' `` that 's why it 's so odd . but without him , we would n't have gotten the motion as far as we did . '' `` only to be blocked in the high court , '' march mutters . `` imperial bastards . '' his bitterness is a tangible force between us , like a serrated blade . i remember the story he told me about losing so many men on nicu tertius , the pain of the endless war and betrayal . when march worked as a merc for these imperial bastards , it meant a fat paycheck waited at the end of each contract , but at such cost . and irony is , those turns cost him his sister , who tired of waiting for him to save enough credits to buy a ship and save her , a sin for which march will spend the rest of his life trying to atone . but i 've got my ghosts , too . doc haunts me still . he comes to me in the night , gone but not gone , so long as his memory lingers in the neurons and electrons that comprise my brain . you 'd think the dreams would be nightmares , but he only talks to me in the way he used to-with dry humor and quiet wisdom . then i imagine living on venice minor , where he died , and i have to ask , `` how do you stand living on nicuan ? '' i 'd think the memories of failing svetlana would be even stronger there , as that 's where march was when she died . `` it 's best for sasha , '' he replies simply . he can expiate that grief by doing better for her son . with effort , i tamp down my emotional turmoil and go on with the conversation . `` but i did think it odd that tarn is here . i wondered if he intends to make up for the fact that conglomerate tried to hang me out to dry . '' `` i 'm sure he feels a little guilty over that , '' march admits . `` mary knows i do . but then i remind myself they were your choices . if you 'd gone about it a different way , i could 've shielded you . '' there 's tension in his tone , even after all this time . `` hey , '' i say , sitting up . `` i am never going to ask you to give an order that could result in my death . you could n't live with it . '' he 's been inside my head so many times that i know exactly where his stress fractures lie .
|
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and failing to protect those he loves-starting with his sister , svetlana ? that 's a wound he would n't recover from . yes , he might be strong enough to send me to die , but then , he would , too . and i 'll never let that happen . `` you know me too well , '' he says softly . `` not as well as i used to . fatherhood has changed you . '' `` for the better ? '' `` you 're calmer . less hard-edged . so , yes , i think so . when you 're inside me '' -i touch the side of my skull- '' i see that he 's finished the healing i started on ithiss-tor . those dark , disconnected places are whole again . '' `` it 's remarkable what perfect trust can do . he thinks i 'll never fail him . '' `` because you never have . he exhales a soft breath . `` your faith in me is terrifying . '' i curl into his side , unwilling to sleep even though i 'm tired , but i resent the need . each time i close my eyes , i lose six or seven hours with him , and they are too few . the ache threatens to overwhelm me . march wraps his arms around me and rubs his cheek against my hair , which is not silky or smooth . the curls are coarse and wild , as they ever have been , and he tangles his fingers in them possessively . i kiss the column of his throat . he asks , sotto voce . it 's cowardly , but i pretend i do n't know where his mind has gone because i do n't want to talk about it . `` how many turns will we be apart , jax ? one was ... endless . '' that parting came on the heels of a longer separation , where he did n't know if i was alive or dead . i feel guilty doing this to him , but it 's not better on my end . i could say any number of things , but that 's not my style . so i choose brutal honesty instead . if he wants to end this , i wo n't try to talk him out of it , no matter how much it hurts , no matter that it 's his voice i hear in silent moments . `` it will get worse , '' i reply . `` once we force the conglomerate to limit space travel , and la'heng becomes a red port , you wo n't be able to visit . '' by his flinch , he has n't let himself think of that . `` they 'll probably lock down the comm , too . '' `` no messages in or out until it 's over , once we begin . '' his arms tighten on me . `` mary , i hate feeling like this . '' as if i do n't know . march ca n't bring himself to say the words aloud , but he does n't have to . that despite how much we 've been through , this is it . this is what we ca n't surmount . you ca n't leave loras ... he needs you here . and i ca n't stay with sasha . i share his foreboding . i wish i had a solution or a magic pill . so just know this-i love you . `` no more of this , '' he says hoarsely . the next day , i work with march to coordinate assaults that will do the most damage . i hand him the datapad with the intel the resistance has collected and he skims it , brow furrowed as he analyzes the probability of victory . too much ground resistance . but here , they 've reduced sentries because of budgetary considerations , and the damage to the infrastructure would be considerable if you pulled off a successful strike . '' i make a note of where , and we move on . the morning passes in that fashion , and , in the afternoon , we meet with the rest of the team to talk strategy and resources . march works with zeeka on explosives while vel puts in a word or two to clarify . the mareq soaks it in all in , learning fast , while constance logs everything . she will be our hub , making sure the left hand knows what the right is doing . march and i spend our nights loving as if there 's no tomorrow , yet the time goes too damn fast . i resent each sunrise because it draws me nearer to the day when he returns to the spaceport to take ship away from here . the imperial bastards have grown complacent since the ruling . by the increased centurion presence , i think they expected some form of peaceful protests , mobs in need of dispersing . but lulling them is only the beginning of the plan . once they stop expecting an attack-and after march and sasha are safely away-then we strike . on the eleventh day , sasha talks march into taking him for a ride in the shuttle vel has finished modding . vel has taken him out before , but the kid wants some time with his uncle .
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he 's not whiny ; it was a casual request , or rather , more of a challenge to `` show his stuff . '' i wonder if march has ever piloted for sasha . all his adventures must seem far removed from their normal life . vel finds me surrounded by maps with targets marked . i 've prioritized with color codes , so i wo n't forget which facilities need to go first . but he does n't want to talk about the coming war . no doubt he 's referring to the imminent departure . i 'd tolerate that kind of prying from nobody else . you forget ... this is what i do . i lock it down and move on . i was made to be broken . '' `` i do not forget . '' a layered statement . `` does it bother you to have him here ? '' that 's a silly , human question , and i know his answer before he voices it . his mandible flares in honest denial . march makes you happy . if that ever changed , if he hurt you , then i would kill him . '' that 's not an empty promise , and it makes me smile , though maybe it should n't . but it would take a better woman than i not to be pleased he cares enough to kill for me . vel 's devotion is precious and rare ; i 'm lucky to have him . lucky to have them both . unfortunately , i 'm not the sort of person whose luck runs hot long . la'heng liberation army signal-jack ad : profile one una [ a girl with fair skin and wide blue eyes stares at the camera , blinking nervously . ] male interviewer , off-screen : do n't be scared , una . tell us who you are . the world needs to hear your story . [ she clears her throat and then nods . ] una : it 's bad here . i ca n't remember anything else . i hear it used to be better , a long time ago . now , there 's never enough food . i did n't see an aircar until i was fifteen . male interviewer : what changed ? una : a nobleman came to the provinces looking for a pet and took me from my family . it 's a status symbol , if you have a pretty la'heng to serve you . male voice : did he pay your family ? una : yes . he did n't have to since he had a dispensation from my protector . she said it was wrong to take credits for me , but the young ones were starving . the man said it was a privilege to be chosen-that it meant i could get better work , travel , and learn lots of languages . it did n't feel like an honor . male voice : what was your new life like ? una : at first , it was all right . i went to school . i learned many languages , just like he promised . i liked it ... and it was easy . male voice : but ... ? [ she lowers her head , hair veiling her face . ] male voice : continue whenever you 're ready , una . una : when i turned sixteen , everything changed . he ... hurt me . when i pleaded with him not to touch me anymore , he said i owed him for sending me to school , like a lifetime of indentured service was n't enough . voice-over : and that 's who you 're fighting for , lla . contact the comm code at the bottom of your screen to find workers with the cure . chapter 8 i 've been called a terrorist before , usually by a government trying to pin something on me that i did n't do . this time , i 'm earning the title . in the morning , march and sasha left ; i dropped them off at the spaceport myself . the pain nearly killed me . my love 's anguish exacerbated my own , and sasha was mad as hell , muttering beneath his breath about taking the coward 's way out . i do n't envy march the journey back to nicu tertius . yet their departure frees us to act . the plans are in place . loras touches me lightly on the shoulder , grounding me . `` if we hit this pylon , it will take out terrestrial communications in this sector . '' this is one of the targets march designated before he left . he lingers even as we move forward , his experience driving our initial assault . vel adds , `` they can bounce messages to a near-orbit satellite , but transmission will take considerably longer , and leviter will be working simultaneously . '' `` so that buys us time . but the charges will take out the building next to it ... you 're sure there are no la'heng inside ? '' loras checks his handheld just in case . `` i sent a message on the subchannel , advising all service personnel to avoid the premises until further notice . '' `` based on comm chatter , '' vel puts in , `` i would say your message has been disseminated . the nicuan masters are agitated that their slaves are unavailable . '' `` after tonight , they 'll see that as a warning sign , '' i mutter .
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by distant lamplight , loras looks more human than i 've ever seen him . his fine features are touched by fear , weariness , and regret , but he does n't hesitate . but he does n't sound any happier about it than i am . `` with leviter 's help , tonight should get the planet locked down , '' i say . `` with la'heng decreed a red port , there will be no ships in or out until we finish our work here . '' `` it could take turns , '' he warns . we ca n't fight those on world , plus the collective might of imperial forces fresh from nicuan . they built an impressive fleet during the morgut war . '' loras scowls . `` and lost few . wretched cowards . '' it 's true that while nicuan promised ships and a legion to crew them , they did n't send their centurions to the front in time . others bore the brunt of battle and sacrificed for the greater good . the current nicuan emperor , tacitus xvi , could muster almost enough ships to threaten conglomerate control . they ought to be watching them carefully , but i do n't trust the new chancellor . while katrin jocasta might be a skilled diplomat , she lacks tarn 's steel . but that 's not my problem . for my last public appearance , i will be playing the hero of la'heng , and then it 's time for a final bow , and the curtain will come down . i 'm so ready to lead my own life . it 's what keeps me going in the middle of the night when i am desperate , aching , and already lonely for the man i love . it 's only been a few hours . the next turn will feel endless , but even in that , i am luckier than march ; vel , loras , constance , and zeeka remain with me . he only has sasha , who loves him but ca n't support him . march ca n't lean on the kid . he can only be strong for him . the fact is , i do n't care what history makes of me . after the bombardment on venice minor , i 'd have sworn i was done with bloodshed , done with war . the cost is just too high . but sometimes , it 's the only choice that remains ; and some things are worth fighting for . my friend 's freedom is one of them . so i give the order . `` red team alpha , go . '' and the explosives detonate , lighting the night sky in a vermilion corona . metal quakes and topples in shards . raid sirens sound as emergency lights come on . people scream as chunks of building slam down , leaving pocks in the pavement . we 're far enough away that i ca n't make out the details , but i know what it looks like . some images i can never get out of my head . the same thing is going on in cities all over la'heng . multiple strike teams , multiple detonation sites . the chaos will be splendid . `` success , '' vel tells his handheld . `` imperial comms have gone silent . '' it is the first step to outright rebellion . since we 're vastly outnumbered and have fewer resources , we 'll depend on good intel , calculated sabotage , and the occasional ambush to throw their infrastructure into disarray . there 's a battle plan back at headquarters , mostly due to march , vel , and constance . though i sat in on all the planning , i 'm not much for strategy sessions ; i 'd rather be fighting . but we ca n't take them in a head-on battle . they have too many soldiers , and we face the challenge of distributing the cure to the la'heng . once we do that , we can count on a world full of savage warriors , furious over generations of enslavement . but i ca n't inject everyone on the planet at once , and i wo n't do what my predecessors did-and gas everyone without their consent . change on this scale takes time . until we devise a solution , we 'll utilize guerilla strikes . make this an uncomfortable place for nicuan nobles to holiday . it 's not an ideal solution , but in a perfect universe , this never would 've come to pass . humans would n't think they knew best-that their ways are superior-and it gives them the right to destroy somebody else 's culture . as i sprint from the scene , i realize i 've used that pronoun for humans , as if i 'm not one . i wo n't think about that disconnect now . i have to focus on eluding the centurions pounding the pavement behind us . they 're fanning out to search the area , confident they 'll have the culprits in custody soon . i slow enough for one of them to get a look at my back . a shout goes up from the centurion , and he fires . i slide around the corner of a building as chaos escalates .
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3899], ["cultured", 3899], ["sprint", 3913], ["sprinted", 3913], ["sprinting", 3913], ["scene", 3928], ["realize", 3940], ["use", 3951], ["used", 3951], ["pronoun", 3964], ["disconnect", 4035], ["disconnecting", 4035], ["focus", 4057], ["elude", 4068], ["eluded", 4068], ["eluding", 4068], ["pound", 4092], ["pounding", 4092], ["behind", 4112], ["fan", 4134], ["fanning", 4134], ["search", 4148], ["area", 4157], ["confident", 4169], ["culprit", 4196], ["culprits", 4196], ["custody", 4207], ["soon", 4212], ["slow", 4221], ["look", 4258], ["shout", 4279], ["go", 4284], ["goest", 4284], ["goes", 4284], ["centurion", 4306], ["fire", 4321], ["fires", 4321], ["slid", 4331], ["around", 4338], ["corner", 4349], ["escalate", 4382], ["escalates", 4382]]
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breaking cover , loras and vel shoot back , but clumsily , permitting the two centurions to close . they think this fight will be over quickly . and it will-for them . as the centurions round the corner , i launch myself at one on the left and take out his kneecap with a ferocious kick . the patella pops , and his leg wo n't hold him . i 'm on him in a second . but then , if i meant to kill him , he 'd already be dead . i jab the hypo into his neck . i hope it hurts . within seconds , it 's lights out . vel subdues the other one , then doses him . he hefts one ; loras shoulders the other , and i cut a path through the alley to where our shuttle awaits . once vel chucks his hostage in back , he slides into the pilot chair . he passed the pilot-training course . as of now , he has the credentials to fly any class of ship from shuttle all the way to m , which i secretly think stands for massive . the centurions are key to the next step in our plan : infiltration . red team alpha , meet us at base . '' before the attack commenced , we packed up and moved on . they 'll find no sign of where we 've gone should they find the house . from here on out , we work from the hidden ops center or in the field . zeeka 's voice is unmistakable , mostly because i picked out the tone of his vocalizer . `` you got away clean ? '' i ca n't help mothering him a little . i did n't want to send him with the crew to plant the charges , but he feels like he has something to prove . everyone else has been with me longer ; they 've done more . we have history , he says , like that 's a bad thing . but i guess you can expect that attitude from a young male of any species . zeeka replies , `` no witnesses . rta out . '' i glance back , checking on loras and the prisoners . `` they 're still unconscious ? '' `` should be for a while yet . '' as vel powers up the shuttle , he says , `` strap in , sirantha . drones have locked on with instructions to prevent any air traffic by any means necessary . '' i comply , then flick a switch to take control of the guns . this is a sweet ride ; without dina , it took longer to whip it into shape , but vel did a good job , and zeeka was eager to learn . vel finished it up last week , with sasha and z assisting . `` on 'em . '' behind me , a captive whimpers , trapped in narcotic dreams . i do n't feel sorry for him . he made his choices . from conversation with march , i recall that most nicuan centurions start as mercs . after ten turns in service to the same noble , they receive a permanent assignment , a rank , and a retirement fund . that 's rarer than it sounds because so many soldiers die on nicuan ; they do n't survive long enough to become centurions , let alone get a cushy post on one of the colonies . in all official documents , they call this colony by its imperial name , nicu quintus . which enrages the la'heng . but they ca n't show it . instead , they follow orders and hoard their hatred . when we work out the kinks in the cure 's delivery system , the planet will rise up behind us . until then , it 's up to us . but then , is n't it always ? chapter 9 after takeoff , i focus on the drones . four of them bear down on us , nearly in weapons range . shuttles do n't usually have offensive capability , but vel retrofitted this little beauty with some guns from a junked skiff . we have other vehicles for air travel as well , but none quite so nice . it feels odd to fire from the console instead of a proper gun pit , but there 's no room in a ship this size . i tap furiously , lining up my shots . the shuttle 's size means i can feel each swivel of the lasers . when i have one square in my sights , i loose the first shot . i have to be fast . if these drones have a chance to bounce any visual footage to the satellite , imperial forces will know what they 're looking for , and we 'll have to scrap the shuttle . our resources are finite , not due to lack of credits , but because we 're limited as to what we can buy on world without attracting attention . red zings through the sky , outside my line of sight , but i catch the echoed light in my periphery as i line up the next shot . my hands are steady even as vel angles the throttle , delivering more altitude to evade the onslaught coming from the remaining three drones . i clip the second , and it careens into its cousin . they explode in a shower of sparks . `` looking good , '' loras says .
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`` finish it before we get adds . '' i 'm too busy to make a rude gesture or sketch a mocking salute . his laughter tells me we 're really friends , and he 's forgiven me at last . i feel a little lighter as i take the last shot , and more metal rains down on the centurions below . vel takes us up , zooming away from the scene into a cloud bank . we use that to confound anyone tracking us from the ground . he stays at that altitude until we reach the base , located in the mountains four hundred klicks outside the city . at this altitude , the flora is evergreen , like that found at the frost line on more temperate worlds . which means it 's thick , green , and prickly . and it offers great cover as vel descends with a skill that belies how short a time he 's been flying . light snow dusts down on us , melting beneath the thrusters , as he maneuvers us into a shallow cave . any significant surface installation would be reported to the nicuan overseers-and that 's why we built into the mountain itself . using quiet laser drillers and the natural tunnels already in place , we 've constructed an impressive base of operations in the last six months , projecting that our final appeal would fail . sometimes it pays to be a pessimist . the doors seal behind us , hiding energy emissions that would let them track us . as i step into the shuttle bay , i marvel that it does n't look at all cavelike . instead , the walls have been finished , and it looks like any other building , provided you can forget you 're buried beneath several tons of rock . it gives me a little trouble , but as long as i concentrate on other things , i get past it . i tell myself that it 'll pass , anyway , once i get used to the place . right now , i 've got to unload the prisoners . there are one hundred of us at the base , which i feel is a decent start , given how long we 've been under way . loras has compelling skill in convincing the la'heng to join our ranks , but he can only reach them in limited numbers . that 's why it was so vital to take down imperial comms . that changes tonight . `` i want our message on the air in ten minutes , '' i say , as vel and loras haul the two centurions from the back of the shuttle . they 're stirring , so i dose them again , just to be safe . best not to delay our plans with complications that could 've been avoided . the nicuan government ca n't censor our message this time . that surgical strike removed their ability to deny or approve what comes in on satellite . if we time it right , in the next nine minutes , all the la'heng who have access to public comms will know what we 're fighting for-what 's at stake . two liberated la'heng stride toward us . with fine features , the la'heng are more attractive than the average human , a hint of extra elegance and refinement . yet that beauty masks a savage nature . a few have died taking carvati 's cure ; they succumb to the bloodlust and have to be put down . so far , our casualty rate is holding steady at 5 percent . loras accounts it tolerable , considering what 's at stake . i wish i could do better , but over the turns , i 've accepted that perfection is a dream . in the end , there 's mud and blood , and you can only hope you can live with the stains when all 's said and done . i would n't be able to stand myself if i did n't try , here . the first rebel is taller than his companion . i remember zhan because he has a red streak in his hair . he added it after he survived the cure . first thing , he picked a fight . it breaks your heart to watch them roughhouse just because they can , throwing punches like flowers , joyous laughter ringing out . right now , i ca n't remember the other one 's name ; it does n't matter . there 's no time for chat . with hands raised in greeting , they carry the two centurions out of the bay to be dealt with later . vel nods , staying with the shuttle to check it over-as dina would have-and loras jogs toward the communications suite . i follow because this was my idea , and i 'm playing cameraman . well , at least , i 'm programming the cam for him . i unlock the door with my code to be sure nothing 's been touched , and loras stands in front of the flag , a blue background with a red circle and the old la'heng coat of arms , which had been printed on everything from art to flags to money , before we changed them . this is a new flag for an independent la'heng .
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we spent hours designing it , just as we did the conglomerate uniforms , and i 'm positive we got it right . it also provides the perfect backdrop for our opening salvo . quickly , he changes from his black-ops gear into less sinister , more neutral attire . `` like the perfect spokesman for the rebellion . '' `` what if i screw this up ? '' you 've practiced the speech a hundred times , a thousand even . now you 're going to say it with more conviction than you ever have , knowing that in a few hours , people all over la'heng will be hearing you ... and seeing what you can do . '' oh , shit , stage fright ? `` take a breath , then , and pretend you 're talking only to me . '' loras relaxes visibly . `` camera 's recording in three ... two ... '' i hold up one finger so my voice does n't wind up on the sound track , and the red light comes on . `` this is the first communique from the la'heng liberation army , '' loras says , gazing directly at his audience-or at least , that 's how they 're going to feel , five hours from now . i wonder if they 'll have shivers , too , like i do . `` humanity has stolen everything from us : our self-sufficiency , our pride , our cultural heritage . they have enslaved us . oh , they call it by benevolent names , but in truth , they have turned us into helpless children . but there is a solution , called carvati 's cure . i 've taken the treatment , and i say to you , my brothers and sisters , be slaves no longer . i will show you the way . i will show you proof . '' i splice in the clip of his fight with hon , courtesy of dr. carvati on gehenna , and then training clips later on . it 's indisputably loras , fighting , impossible for a la'heng . yet , he 's kicking the dread pirate 's ass . i imagine the impact this footage will have on the rest of la'heng . and then it gets better . zhan steps into the room , his face in shadow . this is scripted , but the audience wo n't know that . they throw a few punches , live and streaming ; there 's a distinctive watermark on a live broadcast so the audience knows there 's no special effects involved . because when they conclude the match , zhan faces the camera and bows , making it clear that , he , too , is a free la'heng ; and then he steps out of frame . loras goes on , `` you want what we have . there 's so much hopeless anger trapped inside you . but you have to be brave . you have to reach for it . watch the comms for more instructions on how to join the la'heng liberation army . '' grinning at him , i turn off the cam , cutting the bounce-feed . you just started a revolution . '' chapter 10 after the broadcast , i run into tarn in the hallway . `` i timed the message perfectly , '' suni says . `` my old conglomerate contacts will hear straightaway about the tremendous civil unrest . '' `` will that , coupled with the damage from the attacks , be enough for lockdown ? '' `` it should be once leviter finishes spinning it . '' `` he could get the planet coded red with a vid message , '' i mutter . `` probably , '' suni replies seriously . there 's an intriguing softness in his smile . tarn leads me to a conference room , where leviter is waiting . it 's a small risk , permitting them to know the location of the base , but one worth taking for their help . leviter needed a secure site to work his magic , somewhere his efforts ca n't be traced . besides , if it comes down to interrogation , leviter can probably kill people with a sharp look , and i 've no doubt he 'd end anyone who so much as stared sideways at tarn . `` it went smoothly , '' he says without looking up from his handheld . i acknowledge the praise with a nod . `` you did your part ? '' `` i lit up the bounce-feed , as promised . they 're already talking about the rebellion in the forums and the news-net channels . it helped that you hit several different installations , giving the impression of large , organized resistance . '' `` you can really make so many people off world believe the situation is dangerous , unstable , and dire ? '' but tarn would n't lie . he 's not that kind of politician . leviter tilts his head back to study me , his expression quietly amused . he has the eyes of a shark , flat and hard , with darkness at their depths . `` one does n't need to control reality , only the perception of it . and i 'm not doing it alone . i have agitators with various conglomerate officials , reporting 'firsthand ' information from the attacks . '' mary , i 'm glad leviter 's on our side .
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`` i 've requisitioned buoys , warning all vessels away from la'heng space . they should arrive within the next twenty-four hours . '' `` in anticipation of the conglomerate ruling . '' i imagine a beacon that shouts , go away , into the silence of space , while ships ignore it . `` the buoys are also sdis , '' leviter explains , as if i 'm slow . `` any ship that attempts to violate the conglomerate edict will be blown to bits . '' that makes all the difference , i decide . `` so the space above the planet becomes a minefield . leviter continues , `` once the conglomerate codes la'heng red , if the nicuan empire attempts to breach the no-fly zone , it will be tantamount to an act of war against all conglomerate worlds . they have a fine fleet , but they ca n't take on all the tier worlds . '' the centurions must be cut off , left to the mercy of the legates on la'heng . '' `` who are all morons , '' tarn mutters . yeah , mostly . this is the assignment older centurions on nicu tertius beg for because there 's no actual fighting-or there has n't been in many , many turns . so it 's a cushy gig , where they get to attend parties as show dogs in dress armor while their employers eat and drink like swine , all while plundering la'heng and stealing from its rightful rulers , while the la'heng serve and follow orders . i 'm getting mad all over again , just thinking about it . `` easy , jax , '' tarn says . `` save that fury for the enemy . '' i muster a half smile . i 'm tired , cranky , and missing march . but there 's more work to be done . `` are you two heading back to jineba ? '' `` soon , '' tarn replies . nodding , i push to my feet . they 'll be looking at all air-traffic logs . and thanks again for your help . '' leviter smiles once more , and it 's fairly alarming . `` no thanks needed , ms. jax . we 're just getting warmed up . '' once i leave the conference room , i go looking for vel . as i expected , i find him with the prisoners , who are awake ... and in a fury over their incarceration . `` when my prince hears what you 've done , he 'll make you beg for death . '' on another planet , serving a prince would be impressive , but in relation to nicuan , such claims to royalty mean less than nothing . there have been so many emperors over the turns that pretty much all the noble houses can claim royal blood . his boss is no more important than any other . i address vel instead of the captives . `` the tall one , right ? '' to replicate somebody 's face , vel needs to study it . a glance from across the plaza in the dark wo n't suffice . once he 's perfected the man 's appearance , he can slide into his life . hence , slider , the somewhat derogatory nickname for ithtorians ... but when i first met him , that 's exactly what he 'd done with my now-deceased friend , dr. solaith . mary bless and keep you , doc . wherever you are . `` that 's the plan , '' he answers . that will be easier for him and less painful . but the centurion he indicates looks terrified , not as full of bravado as his squad-mate . he glances between us , trying to figure out our plan . `` have you checked his personnel file ? '' vel reminds me , `` communications are down . '' i touch the intercom . `` constance , we 're ready for you . '' my pa has been at the base since march left , facilitating completion and organizing resources . she 's also the head of randd , along with a number of other responsibilities . only a vi-or maybe ai is more accurate-would be capable of multitasking with such efficiency . the smaller soldier demands . `` torture wo n't work . we will never reveal any of our prince 's secrets . '' oh , the poor bastard . he still thinks this is some petty , house-related coup . if he had any inkling just how big the plan is , he 'd piss his pants . i smile at him , which seems to make his fear worse . they 're bound to their chairs , with wrists lashed together behind their backs . if i had n't wasted a turn of my life trying to reason with men just like them , i might feel a flicker of pity . before i can reply , constance arrives with an armload of machinery : cords and discs and a console to monitor the whole process . the guards go from anxious to terrified , but it 's not what they think . in some ways , it 's worse . this is an insidious device , certainly , but not for the reasons they believe . `` which one first ? '' `` the tall one . ''
|
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i turn to the la'heng waiting just outside . `` take the other one back to his cell . we 'll deal with him presently . '' separation will ratchet up his fear as he tries to envision what horrors his friend is suffering . if we let him watch , that mental preparation might give him an edge later . not that i 've ever seen anyone resist this machine . still , there 's no point in bettering the man 's odds . once the la'heng guard hauls him off , struggling and kicking the whole way , constance gets to work . she attaches wires to the centurion 's skull in proximity to the various pleasure centers of the brain . then she discovers the perfect current through trial and error . there 's no pain , only incredible pleasure of varying levels . oh , there are various truth-serum drugs , but most of them have side effects , and they leave the person hostile once the effects wear off . with this device , by the time we 're finished , this centurion will think we 're his best friends . he 'll believe anything we tell him-anything at all-to keep the pleasure coming . and that 's why i called it insidious . when constance concludes this session , she will have added a loyal foot soldier to the la'heng liberation army . this is experimental tech , so we 'll see how well it works . the first jolt startles a sensuous moan out of the prisoner . his eyes go glassy , his mouth slack-too intimate an expression to see on a stranger 's face . she 'll continue the treatment until he 's utterly seduced and ready to tell us anything at all . i leave constance to it because she does n't need my supervision . she 's willing to do whatever it takes , so long as nicuan forces occupy la'heng . i will not pity them . vel accompanies me back to my quarters . the space i 've been allotted is small and sparsely decorated in shades of gray ; it 's all one room , with a bunk , a comm terminal , and a sitting area comprised of a small sofa and one chair . it 's been a long night , the first of many . he settles on the couch and invites me to join him with a flourish of his talon . many would find this scene oddly domestic , especially the easy way i curl up beside him to better view his handheld . we 're close enough to touch , but i do n't . sometimes even i 'm not sure where the boundaries between us lie . he 's captured several images of the man he will replace . later , he can spend more time in the centurion 's company , memorizing the angles and lines , to reproduce them perfectly . for now , the pictures will get the process started . the guard is nearly two meters tall , with dark hair , gray eyes , and a weathered complexion . he has squint and frown lines , more than those that come from laughter . `` will you have any trouble ? '' vel glances at me . `` i 've never understood how it works . '' skin is one thing , but hair has a different texture . i 've seen him become someone else , but watching it does n't help me understand . once , i 'd have felt unable to pry , worrying that he 'd take it the wrong way . now i understand there 's nothing i ca n't ask of him . `` the human body creates different types of matter , '' he says . `` usually with the intent of cleaning or eliminating waste . '' i 'm with him so far . `` what i do functions on a similar principle ... i simply have better control over what form it takes . '' `` so you command it , like on a cellular level . '' that 's pretty damn cool . no wonder ithtorians think humans are savages . '' `` we have had longer to evolve , '' vel says modestly . `` what do you think of the target ? '' `` he is a serious soul . '' or he used to be , before constance got ahold of him . everything she does , she does at my behest . she 's still my pa , no matter how sophisticated she 's become . when i first reactivated her , after the time she spent locked in dina 's data chip , i asked if she was sure she wanted to return to human form . she 'd seemed content as a ghost in the machine-first on the ship , then on emry station . i 'd worried i was being selfish by wanting her back in my life in a more tangible way ; maybe she was happy manipulating those vast data streams , and it would be wrong of me to make her go back to a limited life . she replied , `` now that i 've known both , i prefer being a person , where i can interact in a more meaningful manner . '' `` on a scale of one to ten , how much hope do we have of pulling this off ? '' `` negative two , '' vel replies .
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but his mandible quirks , telling me he 's joking . `` what do you mean by 'this ' ? the infiltration or the war effort in entirety ? '' he gives the question solemn consideration . `` as to the former , i have done it many times . people never want to believe there could be something wrong , so they write off any behavioral changes , ascribe it to stress . '' `` so you 're telling me not to worry . '' i feel odd and raw . `` i do n't know what i 'd do if i lost you . '' this is my forte , sirantha . '' knowing that intellectually does n't dim my worry any . because after he goes inside , vel will be out of touch , beyond my help . as a copy , he 'll live this centurion 's life while the original babbles imperial secrets as fast as we can record them . and if this guard does n't know what we need , then we 'll take someone else . this is only the first sortie in the war . but imagine if it were me . '' `` i could not bear it , '' he says quietly . `` but i 'm expected to ? not fair , vel . '' he furls his claws in subtle response . `` that is a childish complaint , sirantha . '' but i 'm not , really . constance interrupts before this can become an issue . vel feels like the last person in the universe who belongs to me . there 's march , of course , but he 's gone , and not all mine . there 's a large portion of him bound up in raising his nephew , and i have no role in that . `` there 's a small problem . '' she never wastes time on a greeting . i invite her to make use of the other chair . `` infiltration of titus 's life may prove problematic . '' `` he is recently married . '' chapter 11 this is indisputably a snafu . a new bride pays attention to things a wife of many long turns ceases to notice . she 'll expect regular sex from vel , as they do n't call it the honeymoon period for nothing . there will be little in-jokes that he 's expected to remember and understand . `` damage control , '' i mutter . `` he 'll be useless as a centurion , '' constance replies . the machine she used on him is wildly addictive . if we cut him loose at this point , he 'll go mad wanting that pleasure again . he 's ours to keep , now . `` the solution is simple , '' vel says , after a few moments ' thoughtful silence . a flicker of amusement twitches his mandible as he reads my doubt . `` i can take the second one 's place , '' he offers . since the man is short and compact , as doc was , it will be physically painful for him to compress his body , but he 's done it before . vel is willing to suffer for the cause . i just wish he did n't have to . but our first choice is off the table , so we 'll work with what 's left . `` constance , see to the second prisoner , '' i order . `` find out if he has any dangerous demographics . then report back . '' `` at once , sirantha jax . '' after she departs to deploy her infernal device , i sigh . `` all told , it 's not too bad . '' `` there are worse disasters that could befall us , '' vel points out . `` will the op require surveillance ? '' someone should watch his back if he 's in the field alone . unfortunately , vel has the most experience stalking targets , but he can hardly guard himself . which means i 'll do it for him . i can be quiet and patient , if i have to be ; i just ca n't get too close or arouse suspicion while i 'm there . whatever the mission requires , vel will do it properly . i can count on him . vel 's here because of me , and i did n't even have to ask . that 's a type of friendship of which i 've known little in my life . constance returns an hour later . `` the second centurion is single . he has no close family on la'heng . he was recently punished for something he did not do , and he has a mild addiction to chem . '' nothing in those facts will make vel 's mission more difficult . it 's within acceptable parameters , so we 'll greenlight the mission . i turn to him , but he 's already come to the same conclusion . he says to the pa , `` i need detailed images of the subject , and take some molds , if possible . i will also need to study him at length once i process the initial data . so keep him in good condition for a day or two . '' stay of execution for the centurion . he wo n't be beaten or killed while vel needs to learn the lines of his face .
|
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still , that 's a pretty grim reason to be alive , and if the soldier 's not connected to constance 's device , it will be hellish . his addiction proves his brain chemistry tends toward dependency already ; that inclination will worsen his final days . i can hear him screaming now that she 's stopped as his body deals with the sudden loss of dopamine . `` acknowledged , '' constance says . `` i will prohibit the free la'heng from making sport of him until after you complete your assessment . '' after all the la'hengrin have suffered at nicuan hands , i do n't blame them , but i still shiver at what lies ahead for that centurion . `` are you good with plan b ? '' `` i will make it work , sirantha . '' that does n't tell me anything about how he feels about going undercover alone , however , or how much pain he 'll experience compacting his form for long periods . i 've noticed he 's never chosen such a build , apart from that one time with doc , when it was unavoidable . shortly thereafter , vel excuses himself . there are nights when i wish he did n't leave , but if he stayed , it would cross a boundary in my head . right now , the only reason i do n't hate myself for loving two such different males is that the relationships operate under disparate parameters . vel cuts me a look as he goes , like he suspects some of these inner workings , but he does n't call me on it . i do n't know what i 'd do if he did , if he said , let me stay , sirantha . it would n't be for sex , but maybe in some regards , my pleasure in his presence might be worse . because it means it 's real and lasting because i feel better just knowing he 's beside me , and march must 've seen as much before he left . at some point , we must , rather than tiptoeing around our issues like we live on a thawing iceberg . vel once told me that the heart is n't like a cup of water . you ca n't drain it dry . it 's more like an endless well , and the more you love , the more it pumps out . i 'm remembering imprecisely at the moment , but it 's late , and i 'm tired . that 's the gist . once he 's gone , i wish he had n't , but i 'll never say otherwise . i ca n't be the woman who loves the one she 's with . i do n't want to be fickle and inconstant ; i do n't want it to be true of me that the longer the object of my affections is out of proximity , the less i think about him . but maybe it is . maybe , no matter how i try , i 'm not destined for a great love . i 'm just constantly compartmentalizing and adapting , and it prevents me from giving my heart completely . in one way , that 's good , i suppose . it means i can survive anything . i put those melancholy thoughts aside and get some sleep . in the morning , i rise and eat breakfast with the la'hengrin and our few human supporters . since we brought the cure and started the formalities to begin large-scale testing , others have flocked to our banner . they treat me with an awe that makes me uncomfortable . here , i 've made no friends like dina , argus , and hit . i have only the ones i brought with me : loras , zeeka , vel , and constance . the mareq jumper joins me before i finish eating . because i know it bothers him , i refrain from praising the successful mission or his safe return . he wants me to treat him like any other soldier , but it 's so hard when he 's been a child with me twice ; the last time , he actually ate from my chest . is this how normal mothers feel ? it 's the closest i 'll ever come , i suspect . `` good morning , '' zeeka says . he 's assimilated human customs as best he can though his appearance marks him as other . fortunately , most people do n't realize how rare he is , the only mareq ever to venture off world . z says it was his destiny , and that if we had n't come , someone else would have . maybe somebody who would n't have felt guilty enough to give him a second chance . cloning is a tricky business . it 's not like he 's the same person that the original baby-z would have been , but he has identical dna , and he had the same environmental markers . to his mind , he is the same person , reborn , and i do n't feel qualified to argue . doc would have , i suspect . along with rose and evie . if mother mary has a sense of humor , they 're all together in the afterlife , and doc has some explaining to do . what i would n't give to hear it , too .
|
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but it 's not my time , and if the nanites have anything to say about it , i 'll have many turns before my body wears out . vel 's remarkably cheerful about that . i suppose i would be , too , if i 'd lost as many friends as he has . `` morning , '' i reply . `` i heard you 're going back to the city with vel . complications ? '' i fill him in as he eats , explaining how the first choice was a no-go , and we 've had to make do with the second centurion . `` have you scouted a location where you can watch over him ? '' z asks . unlike vel , he has a modern vocalizer , which translates with less formality . it makes him more approachable , i think . less intimidating . plus , it 's hard to be frightened of anyone with such liquid eyes . zeeka radiates innocence ; by looking at him , you 'd never guess that he laid the charges that took down an imperial installation last night . `` no , all our intel and preparation was for the first target . but i 'll figure it out when i see where the guy lives . '' it was an unfortunate turn of luck that resulted in the first centurion 's having gotten married since we observed him last . nothing in his behavior led us to believe a happy event was imminent . the man got up , went to work , and socialized little . from a distance , he seemed like the perfect choice , down to the correct build . because i ca n't help myself , i add , `` you do n't have to be here , you know . you 're qualified to jump on your own , now . '' z laughs . `` grimspace is n't going anywhere , jax . '' i accept that as truth . how amazing ; he has the skill set without any hint of addiction . since i 've never raised a mareq , i do n't know if i should insist on pushing him out of the nest , so to speak . he 's so eager to learn-and to help-that i 'm unwilling to crush that spark . i ca n't tell him , get lost , kid . we do n't need you . or the la'heng liberation army does . at this point , we 're so few against so many that all are welcome , whatever their species or motivations . chapter 12 things just get more complicated . constance pokes me awake in the middle of the night-not that you can tell what time it is outside the mountain except that we 've programmed the environment to match planetary cycles . the lights inside the lla base have a special fuse that compensates for lack of sunlight . those with skills unsuited to combat will be here a long time , running support on missions , and we had to factor that into the design . i sit up , shoving the hair from my eyes , and frown up at her . `` urgent message , sirantha jax . '' what the hell ... nobody has the codes here . `` do i need to- '' `` no , i recorded and downloaded to my internal systems . '' even with that warning , it 's still a fragging terrible shock for march 's voice to come out of constance 's mouth . i stare , unable to believe what i 'm hearing . he 's too smart to identify himself , but it 's definitely him . `` we ... missed our flight . i 'll explain when i see you . now the spaceport 's locked down . i went back to the house , but you 've already vacated . i need to get sasha someplace safe . come when you get this . `` how did this come in ? '' `` it was bounced to the shuttle 's comm code . '' vel took sasha to see some ruins in the mountains ; the kid rang the house to tell march how awesome it was , but we scrubbed all records from the comm suite before we left . which means one of them remembered the codes on screen from that single call . it 's the kind of thing i expect from march , actually , attention to detail that makes any operation he plans go smooth as silk . constance goes on , `` a maintenance worker forwarded it to me . he guessed it was important though he did n't know the particulars . '' mary bless you , sir . i ca n't risk sending a return message , but there 's no question i 'll go get them . shit , march must be so pissed . i thought they were long gone . the days we spent together during his visit let the imperial forces drop their guard after the final ruling . the centurions spent a week and a half on high alert , and just before i dropped march at the spaceport , the imperials reduced patrols and went back to business as usual , assuming our group had been defeated . people who file motions generally do n't have a backup plan that involves destabilizing the government . `` wake vel , '' i tell constance , who looks worried . `` i 'll throw some clothes on and meet you in comms . ''
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4450], ["meet", 4462], ["meeted", 4462]]
|
the paula unit is capable of fifteen basic human facial responses , and she 's programmed herself to reflect the one she deduces is most suitable for any situation . she 's come a long way from the little round gizmo i first encountered on lachion . most people ca n't tell she 's a bot , in fact , unless they 're familiar with the model . she does n't argue , just leaves my quarters without wasted words . it takes me only a few seconds to throw on black trousers and a light-armored flex-shirt . it 's formfitting but provides great ease of movement . quickly , i strap on my weapons and tie my hair up . i need to be ready to move once i get vel . there are few people in the dimly lit halls . most went to sleep hours before ; there are just a few wildly dedicated la'heng who have barely slept at all since they took the cure . i understand their feverish devotion to the cause ; if i were them , i 'd feel the same way . `` is he on the way ? '' i ask constance as i stride in . `` there was no answer . i have tried several possible locations-to no avail . '' if he 's not in his room , he 's awake . he 's not in the docking bay , tinkering , or he 'd have heard the incoming message himself , and he 'd have woken me . it 's not the sort of news he 'd trust to an intermediary . the base sprawls over a kilometer of ground , with different areas of concentration . after a moment 's thought , i say , `` buzz randd . '' `` this is devries , '' a male voice replies . `` is vel there ? '' i ask , leaning over constance toward the mic . i 'll put him on . '' `` something wrong , sirantha ? '' i 'd be asleep at the moment if shit had n't gone sideways , so it 's a fair question . i summarize , then add , `` meet me at the shuttle in five minutes . '' `` less , if i can . '' he cuts the comm connection . `` hold the fort , '' i tell constance . then i sprint for the hangar . if loras and zeeka wake before i return , she 'll fill them in . this is a mission that does n't require numbers . vel might be able to handle it alone since he 's both a pilot and a badass former bounty hunter , but there 's no way i 'm delegating this task . i wo n't rest until we 're back at base , human cargo in tow . i 'm out of breath when i arrive . the shuttle door 's ajar , waiting for me to board ; vel 's already in the pilot chair . i clamber in and hit the button to seal the cabin . that much i can do , though i 'm useless otherwise ... unless he needs a gunner . mary , i hope we do n't . this needs to be a silent run . `` do you think they 've connected me to the bombing yet ? '' with systems crippled , it will take them a couple of days to narrow down possible culprits manually , '' he answers , checking the instrument panel . `` even with a va 's help ? '' though true ais are prohibited , due to humanity 's fear of machines running amok and enslaving them , virtual assistants are popular , having more limited programming and protocols . they 're often used for tasks too monotonous for people to tolerate , like sorting endless registries of names and looking for matches . `` i 'm a natural suspect after the way i harassed legate flavius- '' `` but my name was not used in any of your motions , '' he reminds me . `` and i purchased the house . '' `` but you 're a known associate of mine . '' but as long as we slide in and out , there should be no complications . '' `` should be , '' i mutter , strapping in . he completes his check , and i take a deep , worried breath . the danger comes when we open the outer door that seals any sign of our facility from the outside world . there 's always risk , and we 've tried to minimize it by coming and going during the night . fortunately , it 's still dark , and the imperial forces should still be working on rescue and recovery , not hunting down those responsible yet . not scanning for unusual energy emission on the surface in a region where there 's nothing at all . `` try not to fret , sirantha . we will get them out safely . '' `` the timing could 've been worse for a rescue , '' i mumble . vel nods as he maneuvers the shuttle out through the tunnel . at first we hit the wind and drop ; despite my anxiety , my pulse leaps . i love to fly , even within the atmosphere . the thrusters burn as he throttles up , yielding enough altitude to clear the mountains ahead . i hope the imperials wo n't be watching the sky or monitoring air traffic too closely right now .
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for safety 's sake , he should be running lights so we do n't collide with another craft . instead , vel relies on the external sensors , and we 'll quietly avoid anything we see up here . the base is remote , so there 's nothing in the sky tonight anyway . i mutter my thanks for that as he closes the distance to the house . `` how mad do you think march is ? '' he angles me a look of amusement , punctuated by the movement of his mandible . great , vel thinks this is funny . `` let me sum up : he is stranded with his young nephew , whom he would do anything to protect , on a world in which a war is brewing , and they have no means of escape , no way of returning to the safe , comfortable life they have built . '' `` but no matter how furious he is , he would never lay a hand on you , as long as he is in his right mind . '' it goes without saying that vel wo n't let that happen again , not after ithiss-tor . he blames himself , i think , for the marks that required his tattoo around my throat , color to hide the bruises from when march tried to kill me . that will never happen again , and i shiver a little at the thought of the two males i love coming to blows . i wo n't let them hurt each other in my name . `` he 'll be mad when we find them , but not crazy . '' i try a smile , but vel is somber , a little troubled , i think . i settle back and wait because there 's nothing else i can do just now . imperial public service announcement [ a ticker runs on the screen , listing the names of the missing and the dead . the nicuan presenter looks suitably grave , dressed in a dark suit , his hair just disheveled enough to suggest restrained , noble grief . ] it is official . by the time order had been restored in jineba , the edict came down from the conglomerate . they have locked down interstellar travel until local affairs stabilize . the nicuan empire assures you that our centurions are the best trained soldiers in the civilized world . they will not rest until the culprits responsible for these egregious terrorist acts have been apprehended . the investigation is ongoing , and we expect to have the criminals in custody soon . in the meantime , you will notice some changes to security procedures in urban areas . this is for your safety and protection . loyal citizens have nothing to fear from these measures . we will be increasing drone security in outlying areas , and there will be a curfew implemented in all urban zones . we urge caution to anyone traveling outside these safe zones as we can not guarantee your security in the provinces . at this time , patrols have been assigned to those areas most densely settled by nicuan citizens . in conclusion , respect the curfew . be vigilant and report any violation of new security laws to the legate in charge of your borough . remember , safety is everyone 's business . [ end psa ] chapter 13 the shuttle has good vertical maneuvering capability , so vel puts us down within a stone 's throw of the house . for obvious reasons , we ca n't be here long . every second increases the chances that someone will notice readings out of place even though this property is isolated . i vault out , check my weapons , and follow vel . logically , i know vel 's right ; the imperials should n't have tracked me to this property purchase yet . which means this is n't a trap . march and sasha truly need our help . on approach , the windows are dark . they could be asleep ; it 's been a while since they bounced the message . that does n't seem like march , though . i bet he 's standing guard while sasha rests . if i know him , he 's looking for me , watching the sky . vel checks the perimeter . `` it looks clean . '' `` then let 's go in after them . '' `` in and out , '' he agrees . the codes have n't changed ; that 's a good thing . with my thumbprint , a retinal scan , and the pass code , i get us into the house . vel could crack it if march reprogrammed the system for greater safety , but it might cost time we need to make our escape . vel and i split up , and i creep through the dark house toward the bedrooms . movement catches my eye , but i ca n't nail down where the shadow came from . then march touches my mind tentatively . his thoughts echo with exhaustion , anger , and fear , though not for himself . i skim his mind , seeing just how long he 's been awake . but at least they 're here . relief surges through me in a tidal flood . until this moment , i did n't realize how worried i was that imperial forces had snatched them up to be used as leverage against us , crippling the resistance before we get off the ground . while they might not connect vel immediately , i 'm high-profile .
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onn has kept an eye on my involvement in case things got interesting ... as they tend to when i 'm around . and everyone knows about march and me . so while he 's here , he 's a target . get sasha and meet me at the back doors , i tell him . he mutes his emotions , holding explanations for a more appropriate time . i glimpse a number of things in his head , but it 's not clear . i lack march 's aptitude for skimming information quickly and efficiently . i tap the comm to advise vel , `` i found them . they 're on the way down . '' then i spin , retracing my steps . i will be waiting in the shuttle . '' `` do n't start it up until we arrive . '' the house seems spooky , with all the electronics shut down ; it 's so quiet i hear each whisper of movement . at first just noise , then they become shadows , then shapes . sasha stumbles , and i reach out for his shoulder . to my surprise , he does n't shrug away . maybe he 's just tired and disoriented . `` glad you 're safe , '' i whisper to them both . `` we 'll talk later , '' march says . sasha mumbles and follows me to the shuttle . i signal vel as we approach , and the rumble of the thrusters sets the greenery on fire in the field behind . that 'll leave a huge clue , assuming the imperials ever find this place . i wonder if we should burn it all . sadly , i 'm not kidding . i help sasha into the back of the shuttle , and march follows . then i swing into the seat beside vel . `` do you think we need to torch the place ? '' vel checks readings , whether other craft show on the sensors . `` that would draw more attention , i think . most of their attention is well occupied to the south . '' `` is there anything left in the house that could help them find you ? '' `` we scrubbed it thoroughly , wiped all the data . '' `` if it was my op , i 'd blow the place . with luck , they associate it with the other strikes and consider vel a victim , not a culprit . '' `` a bold plan , not without risks . do you feel up to a firefight , sirantha ? '' i nod , glancing back at march in inquiry . `` are you sure you want us doing that with sasha on board ? '' `` i do n't want to be here at all , '' he mutters . `` it 's not jax 's fault . do n't take it out on her for what i did . '' i blink , certain i ca n't have heard the kid right . in the dim glow from the instrument panel , sasha looks chagrined . `` well , maybe i crushed some engine parts so our ship could n't take off . '' `` mother mary . `` because he wants to join the resistance , '' march snaps . `` it looks glamorous when you 're twelve . '' `` you wanted to stay , too , dad . so i made it work out for both of us . '' yeah , i 'm not getting in the middle of this for a billion credits . i listen to them argue while vel takes us up . eventually , march swallows his anger and answers the question i 've almost forgotten i asked . `` weapons hot , jax . with his nephew 's life-that 's what he 's saying . i bring the guns online and target the house . i hate living dirtside , but this is the first time i 've blown up a building over it . that thought is almost enough to make me laugh , despite the sitch . once he reaches sufficient altitude for us not to be caught in the shock wave , vel gives the go-ahead , and i tap the panel . beams of light arc toward the structure ; impact offers both demolition and fire . i shoot several more times to make sure the destruction 's catastrophic . since it 's not raining , the house should smolder until there 's nothing left but wreckage . `` sorry , '' i murmur to vel . `` i have indemnity . '' i cut him a look , but he 's amused , not irritated . which is excellent . i can only deal with one angry male at a time . it 's a good rule of thumb . `` that was epic , '' sasha says , watching the destruction down below . march quiets him , but i 'm glad the kid 's not scared . if he was as timid as the turn before , i 'd be swimming in guilt right now . vel wheels the shuttle . `` six , fifty klicks out . '' i ponder . `` are we fast enough to outrun them ? '' `` aw , '' sasha objects . `` blow them out of the sky ! '' a few more comments like that , and i 'll start liking this kid . i flash him a smile while vel checks the intercept course .
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|
march 's tension radiates until i feel it like a hot spot on the nape of my neck . how mad are you ? it 's a test to see if he 's still in my head . but not at you . he 's there , wrestling with frustration . this is ten kinds of fragged up . i know you 're scared for sasha , but we 'll keep him safe until we figure out a way- there 's not going to be a way , jax . we 're stuck for the duration . march told us how to wreak havoc in those strategy sessions . according to his advice , we chose our targets and bombed them simultaneously . we just did n't think he 'd still be on world when the foolproof plan when into effect . `` projected intercept in four minutes , '' vel replies after he finishes analyzing the drone trajectory . `` then let 's hold here . i do n't want them any closer to the base . '' moments pass in tense silence , then the six drones appear on my screen . i miss the gun-pit interface . i 'm not as adept on the console , but i 'll get better . i put the pressure from my mind . i ca n't think about how much is riding on me right now . but mother mary of anabolic grace , i 've never fought with a kid on board . it 's only a couple more than you took before . relax , march says silently . his faith permits me to shoot the first one clean . five to go . the drones scramble , swinging up and away . i wish the shuttle had automated defenses . next time , maybe i 'll take constance and download her into the nav panel . i bet she can shoot faster . more accurately , too . vel swings us around , but he 's not as experienced as march . we take a hit in the maneuver , glancing across the bow . the impact rattles us . the shuttle does n't have shields . its armor will take a few more hits before we 're crippled . time 's ticking while i fumble locking on the target . it 's harder with march and sasha aboard ; the stakes are higher , and i feel like my hands are all thumbs . my head fills with fear that the shuttle will go down here , in the middle of nowhere , and we 'll be stranded . they 'll find us . i 'm truly worried about march and sasha . now i understand how he felt about going into battle with me . vel and i , we 've fought together for turns . i trust he can handle his business . i know march can , too , but not with his kid in tow . he 'll always protect him first , maybe sacrifice himself if push comes to shove . clumsy on the controls , i take out another one while vel spins us away from the remaining four . more shots come in hard , and only a sharp altitude drop gets us away from the barrage . i 'm tired , terrified , and not on top of my game . do n't choke , jax . `` i can help , '' sasha says . `` this will be easy . they 're not big . '' `` go for it , kid . '' leaning forward , he narrows his eyes on the drones , their lights showing him how to strike . then he slams all four of them together ; they explode like fireworks , bits of metal cascading down . he does n't even have to gesture . the shuttle does n't rock . that 's some fragging impressive control . no wonder he took the blue ribbon . `` way to go , '' i say , sitting back from the weapons console . cold sweat trickles down my spine ; that was closer than it should 've been . `` you saved us , sasha . '' march is ominously silent . chapter 14 `` so are we part of the resistance now , like when i fight the evil overlords in rebel alliance xvi ? '' sasha has chattered all the way to base . `` this is like the mission where- '' `` can you sit in the cockpit and run a diagnostic for me ? '' vel cuts in . `` i must be sure the shuttle sustained no lasting damage . '' i mean , i can , ca n't i ? '' the kid glances at march for permission . `` find me after you 're done , '' he says tersely . i offer vel a nod of thanks . sasha needs to be distracted while his uncle tears me a new a**hole . i can tell he 's furious ; i 'm just not sure why . at the house , he did n't seem this upset with me . he does n't speak as he follows me from the hangar . behind us , the doors have sealed , hiding our energy emissions once again . the next few hours will be crucial as it 'll reveal whether imperial troops detected our movements . after a little thought , i lead the way to my quarters . nobody else needs to hear this , and he requires privacy to yell at me .
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sure , he could do it in my head , but it does n't have the same impact for a thunderous scold . once we reach my room , i step in and seal the door behind us . i do n't take a defensive posture , just brace and wait . `` when you let my kid take on the enemy ! '' `` i thought it was better than dying . i was choking on the guns . '' i do n't explain why ; it seems to me if he was in my head , he knows . i was too worried about their safety . for once , i could n't compartmentalize . `` then you should 've given me the controls . '' `` that would 've taken too long . by the time we swapped seats , the shuttle would 've taken a hit to put us on the ground , and we 'd have been stranded . how is that better ? '' `` you 're not his mother , jax , and you do n't get to involve my son in war games . '' `` that 's why you 're mad ? '' i ask in reflexive surprise . `` because you 're stuck here with the shit hitting the fan . '' he lifted his shoulders in a familiar shrug , dismissing that suggestion . `` that was all sasha . you had nothing to do with it ... and i knew you were on a tight schedule . i 'm worried about being stranded during wartime , but not angry . '' `` i 'm sorry i used sasha without your permission , '' i say . `` but you could 've said no . '' `` then he 'd think i did n't trust him to control his tk . he 's made such strides that i do n't want to undermine his confidence . he 's just about a normal kid these days , and i ... '' `` you do n't want to see him lose that . '' a bunker full of angry soldiers determined to rid their homeworld of the conquering force does n't lend itself to normal childhood experiences . i sink down on the bed , full of remorse over ... so many things . mostly , what i feel bad about , though , is that i do n't feel worse about march 's being here with me . regret should wrack me from head to toe , but the truth is , a kernel of happiness burns inside me . i want him , even if it 's not by choice . that 's how self-centered i am . he puffs out a sigh and rakes a hand through his shaggy hair . `` are you going to make me fight another war for you , jax ? '' `` i 'd never force you to do anything , '' i say softly . that would devalue all the lessons you learned from st . kai . '' even after all this time , he sounds bitter ... and jealous of the love i lost . that makes me smile ... because he 's so imperfect and human and occasionally irrational . i push to my feet and cross to him , wrapping my arms about his waist . for a few seconds , he resists , then his arms come around me . he rests his chin atop my head . `` what i want and what can happen are two different things . '' `` you 'd hop the next ship home , '' i guess . sasha needs to finish school . '' `` you can train him , though , right ? it might not be as structured as the psi corp program , but- '' i break off as a thought occurs to me . `` constance has training experience from emry . i bet we could modify her programming for classroom-style teaching , and you can handle the psi stuff . '' `` i 'm familiar with the exercises . it 's doable but not ideal . '' sadly , that describes most of my life . i could offer platitudes like things happen for a reason or it 'll all work out for the best , but march is relaxing in my arms . i do n't want to piss him off again . it 's a bit underhanded that i 'm using proximity to defuse his anger , but what the hell , i 'll bring whatever weapons i have to bear . `` that 'll keep you busy , '' i say . `` you think i can be here and not get involved ? '' `` i 'm still a soldier . it 'll drive me nuts inside a week to know you 're running missions without me . '' `` would it have bothered you on nicuan ? '' `` to some degree , but when you 're so far away , it 's less itchy . '' i know he did n't want this for sasha . it 's no way to raise a kid . `` except using your kid as a weapon . '' `` it 's a big game to him . i should 've predicted how sasha would react to all the hoorah and heroism . he loves strategy sims , playing hero . this turned out to be too much temptation . but i 'm not sure he understands the stakes . in games , if things go bad , his avatar respawns . '' `` not so much on the battlefield . ''
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4055], ["much", 4074], ["temptation", 4085], ["understand", 4120], ["understanded", 4120], ["understands", 4120], ["stake", 4131], ["stakes", 4131], ["go", 4157], ["goest", 4157], ["avatar", 4174], ["avatars", 4174], ["respawn", 4183], ["respawns", 4183], ["battlefield", 4222], ["battlefields", 4222]]
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i do n't want him to end up like me . '' `` to be me ? i 'm pretty fragged up , jax . we live on my savings . i do n't work because the only thing i know how to do , i ca n't do while i 'm all sasha has . '' i 'd never thought about how he might feel , living on nicuan . i assumed he loved the kid so much that he did n't think of anything else . but it must be a constant reminder of his old life . it must be hard , at times . i hate thinking of him feeling alone and useless , nothing to distract him from missing me . he 's not sorry for his commitment to sasha , but i wonder if he ever feels trapped . he does n't say it aloud because that feels like betrayal of the boy he loves so much . i ca n't do what i want . i have to think about what 's best for somebody else . it 's not forever , i assure him . kids grow up . that 's kind of what they do . sometimes , in the past few turns , that knowledge kept me going . i add aloud , `` you 're not alone now . i can teach sasha stuff . so can vel , constance , loras , and zeeka . it 's not all on you anymore . '' he rubs his cheek against my hair . `` i should n't be so relieved to turn my kid over to three aliens and an ai , should i ? '' it 's hard to be everything to somebody , all the time . '' it 's not meant to be a cruel question , but it lances straight through me all the same . `` are you saying i ca n't be counted on ? '' `` as long as it suits you . '' `` i thought you understood why i could n't stay . '' hurt lashes me . his smile is beautiful and bittersweet . `` i understood why you chose not to . '' and he 's right ; it 's an accurate distinction . i own this . but his comment makes it seem as if he 's been nursing a grudge . this was n't how i wanted to spend our unexpected additional time together ; i will be shipping out soon on my first mission . he goes on , `` but i accept it . i never expected you to be different . '' `` to be a martyr , you mean ? his shoulders stiffen . `` jax- '' `` kids are adaptable . you stayed on nicuan because you think you failed your sister . so you were determined you 'd give sasha anything he wanted , even if it made you unhappy . in fact , that was better , because then you could spend the time in penance . i 'm not saying you do n't love the kid , but you could 've raised him in a place that did n't make you miserable . '' `` like on a ship with you , '' he says roughly . `` it would 've been too dangerous , jax . out in deep space , one tantrum from sasha , and we 're all dead in vacuum . '' `` so we use force fields . we teach him the dangers . it could 've been viable ... you just did n't try . '' `` i 'd forgotten this about you . '' `` that you do n't hesitate to kick a guy in the nuts . '' i press on , ruthless . `` i just want you to face the truth . it seems like you resent that i did n't don sackcloth and stay , even if it made me miserable . '' `` maybe , '' he snaps . `` is that so wrong ? that i want you to love me that much ? '' `` i do love you , '' i say . `` but not more than myself . '' `` you do n't love anyone more than yourself . '' as the words slip out , he looks horrified . while i 've feared i was so selfish , nobody ever said it out loud before . the accusation hurts more than i could 've imagined , coming from march ; it 's a surprise boot in the teeth . `` i think you 'd better go see how sasha 's doing . '' `` jax- '' `` just go . '' chapter 15 the next day , i meet loras in the detention area , as requested . through the one-way mirror , i can see the two men . the short centurion , whom vel will impersonate , is digging at his skin , desperate for another run ; he 's scratched deep , bloody runnels in his arms , until the dried flesh cakes under his nails . the other sits and rocks , his eyes glassy . loras clicks the sound on . `` felt good . the first turns bloodshot eyes to his catatonic cellmate . `` want more . '' `` the treatments are a little more addictive than we anticipated , '' loras says . `` i do n't think he 's fit even for manual labor . ''
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`` so it 's not viable for recruitment , '' i say , swallowing my horror . `` did we get any useful information out of him ? '' mostly about the number of legates in the capital . '' as i ask the question , zhan strides up . he salutes loras with two fingers , his bearing fierce and aggressive . `` reporting as ordered , sir . '' `` kill them , '' loras says . shock ripples through me . somehow , i thought there would be more fanfare . `` is vel finished studying the short one 's face ? '' `` it 's a no-go , '' loras answers , as zhan keys in the code and enters the cell . i ca n't say i was looking forward to the op , but it seemed our most likely way to gather information on the enemy . i do n't understand what 's changed . but before i gain clarity , zhan executes both prisoners . it 's as neat as i 've ever seen , and the pleasure in zhan 's expression gives me a chill . so many centuries of enslavement-so many turns to hate and plot and dream of vengeance . `` they were both declared dead , '' he replies . `` leviter saw their names on a psa broadcast . the funerals are tomorrow . '' so if vel had turned up , days later , there would be questions . '' `` the centurions would likely assume that he had been collaborating , possibly held by the enemy , and had given up secrets . '' `` so they would 've detained him . possibly tortured him for information . '' `` they certainly would 've uncovered his masquerade , and it would n't have taken long for them to link him to you , tarn , and leviter . '' we had a close call . i offer , `` leviter and tarn will serve us well in the capital . they maintain ties to nicuan , albeit distant ones . '' `` are they willing to do some spying ? '' `` they 're looking forward to it . down the line , maybe we can figure out an alternative method to plant vel in nicuan territory . '' before he can reply , zhan gets on the comm , ordering a cleanup crew . these men would 've shot us the night of the raid , but i 'm already tired of killing . too bad there 's so much more of it in store ; la'heng will run red with blood before we 're through . `` why did you want me here for the execution ? '' i ask at length . `` you 're my second . the other la'hengrin must see that you 'll follow my lead even when humans are put to death . '' nicuan nobles act inhuman sometimes , but in physiology , we share genetic stock . so i understand his point . `` they 're afraid when push comes to shove , i 'll choose my own kind ? '' he dodges the question . `` they 'll come to trust you , jax . '' zhan steps out of the cell in time to hear those words . `` you did n't protest . that will go a long way toward reassuring my comrades . it 's one thing for them to see you filing petitions . it 's another to kill for a people not your own . '' a team comes in a few moments to bag the bodies and haul them away . they 'll be incinerated down in the deepest part of the base , no trace left behind . i ca n't help thinking of the tall centurion 's wife ; right now , she 's grieving . she does n't realize that her husband was alive until just now . she 's not a centurion or a warrior ... she 's just a woman who loved a man . damn , i 'm getting soft . `` nobody has cared about what was right on la'heng since your people came and changed us , '' loras bites out . i 'm used to his rage ; it does n't offend me . but it 's nice when zhan says , `` enough . save your anger for our enemies . '' then zhan sketches a half bow that reminds me of a wa . my chip seeks its meaning , but there is none . or rather , it 's gibberish . his fingers , hands , and elbows do n't speak the silent language . they are only movements and angles , lacking all poetry . `` do n't worry about it , '' i tell the other la'hengrin . loras puts a hand on my arm , drawing me out of the prison area , down the corridor toward randd . `` have you spoken to march ? '' he offers a half smile . there 's a pool running on how long you stay mad at him . if you make up today , i win seven hundred credits . '' `` but i 'm still pissed off . '' how come when a woman does what makes her happy , she 's selfish ? when i remember what he said , my head feels like it 'll explode .
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it hurt each time he left , but i never thought he was egotistical for doing what he thought was right . that 's a double standard , and i wo n't put up with it . i need to talk to him , but i 've got to cool off first , or i 'll throw words like knives . those wounds do n't heal because you ca n't unsay verbal cruelties ; they linger in the memory like poison , and sometimes `` sorry '' is n't enough . loras shrugs , philosophical . for the next few hours , we go over some experimental tech that randd has been working on under constance 's watchful eye . there 's paint with microcircuitry that evokes a shifting camouflage effect , which can be applied to armor or vehicles . they 're also developing a weapon that mounts on your forearm and strikes with the power of a ship laser . perfect for the soldier on the move . unfortunately , it overheats too fast , and there are still bugs to be excised . after it nearly blows the arm off the dummy holding it during the tests , i say , `` maybe it 's not quite ready . '' the head tech nods . `` but the camo paint is good to go . '' `` thanks , '' loras says . `` i 'll let them know in the docking bay . we 'll get it on all our vehicles . '' two days later , i still have n't spoken to march . i told him to go , and he 'll respect my need to cool down until i offer an olive branch . i appreciate his patience . zhan says he 's busy with sasha 's tk training , working with the soldiers on hand-to-hand combat and techniques for ambush , using the terrain to provide cover for an attack . since the la'hengrin are newly restored to their ability to fight , they need the education . the recruits have excellent agility and natural reflexes to go along with their knack for languages . most are n't as strong as a human , but their speed and natural ferocity make them devilish opponents . i ca n't think of anyone better suited than march for teaching them how to kick ass . that day , i 'm on my way to find zeeka when sasha stops me . `` whatever my dad did , he 's sorry . did you guys fight because of me ? it probably was about me . '' mary , i remember being this positive the universe revolved around me . sadly , i was n't twelve at the time . `` hi , sasha , how are you ? '' `` hi , fine , can we resolve this please ? '' he 's getting some attitude , and he wears it well . i like cocky in a kid . makes him seem less fragile . `` are you acting as his emissary ? '' he frowns , which is kind of cute . `` do you mean , did he send me ? '' `` no , he does n't know i came looking for you . i 'm supposed to be practicing . '' `` tk ? '' `` i 'm so sick of it . '' he sounds bummed . not wanting to discuss my personal life with a kid , i try to change the subject . `` do you miss the kids at your school ? '' hey , do n't distract me . you have to talk to my dad , okay ? apparently , i 'm a soft touch when a kid gazes at me with soulful eyes and offers the magic word . `` will you work on your exercises if i promise to find march ? '' he puts out a hand . stifling a sigh , i take it . then sasha runs off . `` where 's march ? '' `` in the barracks , sirantha jax . '' constance still has n't stopped calling me by my full name . i 'm sure she does it just to screw with me . some days , in fact , i suspect she downloaded special software that lets her approximate a sense of humor , messing with people using some kind of sophisticated algorithm . i jog toward the barracks , lifting a hand now and then to the la'hengrin . we have to increase our numbers-and that 's the next step . there 's no mass delivery system that permits personal choice , so it 'll take a while . fortunately , there 's no deadline for saving the world . i arrive outside the room where march is teaching . before he spots me , i take cover in the doorway , watching him drill . he 's broken them into pairs , as he did in the combat program he ran for the conglomerate . memories take me ; i remember when i was a soldier under his command . but that 's a bittersweet memory , like so many of them . i wait until the class ends . he talks with a few la'hengrin , his harsh features radiating camaraderie . this is good for him , i think . he needs a purpose . march spies me as he heads for the door , then draws up short .
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his features lose that easy air he had with the men , maybe because he does n't know what to do with me . he 's always sure around soldiers ; he 's got experience with them . from what he told me once , i 'm the only woman he 's ever loved . the rest , he paid for an hour of their time . i open strong . `` so sasha bribed me to come talk to you . '' flicker of amusement . `` what 'd he offer ? '' `` to do his tk practice . '' `` you mean he was n't ? `` cut the kid a break . march sighs , running a hand through his tousled hair . `` yeah , he 's been bugging me to talk to you . i kept telling him you 'd come when you were ready . '' `` thanks for not pushing , '' i say softly . `` i did n't mean it like it sounded , jax . it 's not bad that you 'll never lose yourself in someone else . it 's part of what makes you strong . '' he 's said that about me before-that i 'm the strongest person he 's ever met . i tend to think i 'm dumb . no matter how many times i get knocked down , i always stagger up again . if i had a brain in my head , sometimes after one of those hits , i 'd just kiss dirt a little while . save myself the pain . but i always find myself on my feet , swinging wide , no matter what . but here 's the thing ... it 's not selfish to make the right choices for me , whatever they might be . if you want a woman who settles down , who 'll work that rutabaga farm with you '' -smiling , i mention the offer he made me so long ago- '' well , i 'm not her . and i wo n't feel guilty over it , either . '' i am sorry , jax . '' let 's spend our last few days together , okay ? '' when march arches a brow , i realize he does n't know . it 's up to me to tell him . `` i 'm shipping out soon . '' chapter 16 march takes the news better than i expected ... and we do n't waste our remaining days . beyond the time we spend in my quarters , he trains the men and works with sasha . he 's prone to making the best of any situation , and i think , deep down , he 's glad to be involved , even peripherally . zeeka teases me about our quiet nights on the way to the final briefing . `` you 're looking happy . vermilion , even . '' mareq throats flush when they 're excited , as i recall . so i think he 's saying i have a satisfied glow ... or something like that . i cast him a slantways look . i can stand anything , today , but the sex-related speculation of my once-foster son who is also a sentient frog . some days ... by some miracle , vel comes along to save me because zeeka is still too awed by him to joke around in his presence . he thinks that vel is the epitome of greatness ... and well , he is . the three of us walk to the hall , which is the only room in the base large enough for us to meet simultaneously . even though our numbers will certainly increase , the body of the army will not be present here . they 'll be in the field , assaulting various soft , lightly guarded installations . the plan of attack has been diagrammed to a decimal point . now we just have to execute . which will be tougher . `` i have n't seen much of you lately . '' not since we made the nocturnal run to extract march and sasha from the house . `` it seemed best to give you some space . '' that 's enough unlike vel that i frown . `` you and march have been apart . there will be growing pains as you remember how to be a unit again . '' we 've been fighting . '' `` i am aware . but sasha is excellent company for an unfinished human . '' `` yeah , he 's better than he was last time . are you and i all right , though ? '' `` why would we not be ? '' genuine puzzlement flexes his mandible . once more , i 've made the mistake of imbuing vel with human motivations . he 's not jealous of march or threatened , or anything that a human male might be , placed in his complicated relationship with me . but for him , it 's not difficult at all . he 's my friend ... and he 's content to wait . he 's still mourning adele ; that will go on for turns , quietly and deeply . i make up my mind not to worry about it again . there are enough real problems on the ground that i do n't need to invent them . zeeka , vel , and i take seats near the back of the room .
|
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a few minutes later , loras enters , with constance beside him . likely she 's helped him organize this final presentation . he spends nearly an hour going over the plan , then he calls out the breakdown of personnel . `` are we all clear on our assignments ? '' my gaze roves the room , finding a few familiar faces , and then i nod . others murmur their assent . we ca n't start a war with our small force holed up inside a mountain . some of us have to take the fight to the enemy . therefore , we 're splitting up . a small team-including zhan , constance , march , and sasha-will remain at base , facilitating communication and ops . the rest of us will divide into cells comprised of ten soldiers . while it 's possible that one of us might break and betray the base-camp location , that wo n't destroy the war effort because there will be so many of us in the field , and the rest wo n't know where we are or what we 're planning . loras has been studying the most successful guerilla generals throughout the history of several species , and he 's memorized the tenets as though they were the phonetics of a new language . he speaks of nothing but strategy and quotes ancient figures as dinner conversation : the enemy advances , we retreat ; the enemy camps , we harass ; the enemy tires , we attack ; the enemy retreats , we pursue . over the hum of muted voices , he orders , `` break into your units . '' since i 'm standing with two of my cell and we 're easy to spot , i remain where i am . loras comes over to join us ; soon , the others find us . my cell consists of vel , zeeka , loras , and six la'hengrin i do n't know well . that 'll change over the course of the assignment . i 'm looking forward to some action , even if it 's risky and against impossible odds . maybe especially in that case because the danger makes it more interesting , more like jumping . in addition to ops management and randd , constance will also tutor sasha . he 's not thrilled about hiding , but then , he 's twelve . he does n't get to fight . march will have his hands full , dealing with a disappointed kid with incredible tk power . hopefully , he wo n't shake down the mountain while we 're gone . `` that 's all , '' loras calls . he was the first to receive-and survive-carvati 's cure . this is his cause . i 'm backing his play because he 's my friend , i owe him , and this is the right thing to do : three compelling reasons to kick some ass . once the squad members depart , heading to their missions in groups of ten , i turn to loras . it 's a big question for three words . he gets that ... and takes his time replying . `` i 'm not sure anyone can ever be prepared for such an immense undertaking . but it 's time . '' `` we 're meeting the others in the docking bay at 20:30 ? '' `` vel is making some last-minute adjustments to the shuttle . '' we 're lucky ; we get the ship with all the bells and whistles . the other cells all have transportation , but not like ours . while vel and i have deep pockets , we do n't possess unlimited resources . and there are other purchases to be made . floating mines for the air lanes , weapons , armor , rations , field kits , and the list goes on . i 'm tired just thinking about it . and we 've only just begun . `` i 'd better get my bag and say my good-byes . we wo n't be back for a while . '' that part goes without saying . but loras understands the stakes , just as i do . i 've never fought a ground war before . the centurions have ; they 're all experienced mercs , having put in their time on nicu tertius . on the plus side , by the time they earn the right to serve on a cushy colony like la'heng , they 're all getting on in turns , and they 've been out of the field a while . so that 's an asset ; it 'll be up to us to exploit it properly . i head for my quarters , don my set of camo armor , and grab my kit . next , i strap on my weapons : laser pistol on my hip , shock-stick on the other side , and a field knife strapped to my thigh . one last time , i check my equipment . constance is working in comms when i find her . some might find it odd that i 'd look for my pa , who-on the surface-is little more than a vi , but i do n't think of her that way . however humble her beginnings , she 's a person to me .
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`` look after march and sasha for me , '' i say softly . she turns , her face set in solemn lines . `` i will , sirantha jax . and you take care of yourself for me . '' `` nevertheless , you will do as i instruct . '' she even sounds like a mom . `` i would n't dare do otherwise . '' then , to my surprise , she hugs me . constance does n't feel like a machine , all gears and rotors beneath the bioware . i huff out a choky breath and stand there imagining this is what it would be like to have a mother who worried instead of conducting illegal arms deals . eventually , she steps back , hands on my shoulders . `` did i do it correctly ? '' `` display warmth and concern ? '' it would be more effective if she had n't questioned her mastery of the concepts , but i nod . thank you , constance . '' `` do you know where march is ? '' she jacks into the computer with a touch of her fingertip , what a marvelous wireless interface . after a few seconds scanning the vid feeds , she replies , `` in your quarters , sirantha jax . shall i tell him to wait ? '' he must have come looking for me , and i just missed him as i headed to comms . this time , i do n't run . in fact , i can barely put one foot after another , knowing what 's waiting for me at the other end . i want him fighting beside me but he ca n't . he 's all sasha has . being stuck here does n't change that . i do n't know if i can say good-bye to march under these circumstances . he 's never had to send me off to war like this ; i do n't know how he 'll handle it . when battle looms , it 's usually him leaving me . the time i took off during the morgut war , i sneaked off while he was asleep . he steps into the hall to greet me as i arrive . `` i 'm leaving soon . '' march fills my head with warmth and aching regret . he wants to don armor and join the battle . the soldier in him is sick to his soul that he has to be a father instead of a warrior . i 've never seen him in such desperate conflict with himself . tears glisten in his hawk 's eyes , shining molten gold . he blinks , so that the dampness tangles his long lashes . not a single droplet falls . i can feel him swallow it back until it becomes a knot in his stomach to match the one in mine . `` i wish you were n't stuck here , '' i whisper . `` it 's worse , '' he says , closing his eyes . `` if i were far away , on nicuan , i could pretend it was n't happening . but here , i feel so helpless . he hauls me into his arms so i can feel him shaking , or maybe that 's me . we kiss ; and it 's salty , bittersweet , heat preceding the ice of separation . our love is chased by endless farewells , like a sweet shot of liqueur with bitters at the bottom . i do n't say good-bye to him . once we break apart , i just turn and move in the opposite direction . he 's in my head until the distance grows too great . as he slips away , i hear , stay safe , my love . the scene in the hangar reminds me of when we all split up on emry station . so much has changed since then , so many lost . dread twists my insides . this could be the last time i see some of these people . i no longer think about dying ; instead , i fear being left behind . even vel , with his built-in chitin armor , though he 's long-lived , can still die . and loras , upon whom every hope is fixed , is merely flesh and bone . chapter 17 the shuttle puts down near a town too small to deserve the name . there 's little imperial presence because it 's rural and remote , too far from the capital to offer any prestige as a post . those centurions assigned here are atoning for some misdeed , like sleeping with a nobleman 's wife or skimming from the legate 's till . they 're stationed at a mining outpost , as that 's the industry that keeps this village going . the la'hengrin work the shafts , repairing equipment and doing hard labor . it 's a poor community ; that much is obvious as i step off the ship . i 've never seen such conditions on a world that was n't class-p , which means it 's too primitive to have developed spacefaring technology on its own .
|
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["sneaked", 1642], ["asleep", 1666], ["hall", 1691], ["greet", 1700], ["greeting", 1700], ["arrive", 1715], ["soon", 1738], ["fill", 1755], ["fills", 1755], ["head", 1763], ["ache", 1786], ["ached", 1786], ["aching", 1786], ["regret", 1793], ["armor", 1817], ["armored", 1817], ["armoring", 1817], ["join", 1826], ["joinest", 1826], ["soldier", 1851], ["soldiered", 1851], ["sick", 1866], ["soul", 1878], ["father", 1905], ["fathered", 1905], ["fathering", 1905], ["warrior", 1926], ["see", 1945], ["seen", 1945], ["desperate", 1967], ["conflict", 1976], ["conflicted", 1976], ["conflictest", 1976], ["tear", 1997], ["teared", 1997], ["tears", 1997], ["glisten", 2005], ["glistens", 2005], ["glistening", 2005], ["hawk", 2017], ["hawks", 2017], ["hawked", 2017], ["hawking", 2017], ["eye", 2025], ["eyed", 2025], ["eyes", 2025], ["shone", 2035], ["shine", 2035], ["shined", 2035], ["shining", 2035], ["molten", 2042], ["gold", 2047], ["golds", 2047], ["blink", 2059], ["blinked", 2059], ["blinks", 2059], ["dampness", 2082], ["tangle", 2090], ["tangling", 2090], ["tangles", 2090], ["long", 2099], ["longs", 2099], ["lash", 2106], ["lashes", 2106], ["single", 2121], ["droplet", 2129], ["fall", 2135], ["falls", 2135], ["swallow", 2160], ["swallows", 2160], ["become", 2185], ["becomes", 2185], ["knot", 2192], ["knotted", 2192], ["stomach", 2207], ["stomachs", 2207], ["stomaching", 2207], ["match", 2216], ["matching", 2216], ["mine", 2232], ["wish", 2244], ["whisper", 2283], ["bad", 2300], ["worse", 2300], ["say", 2313], ["sayest", 2313], ["says", 2313], ["close", 2323], ["far", 2351], ["away", 2356], ["pretend", 2386], ["pretendest", 2386], ["happen", 2407], ["happening", 2407], ["helpless", 2439], ["haul", 2450], ["hauls", 2450], ["shake", 2493], ["shaking", 2493], ["maybe", 2504], ["kiss", 2525], ["kisses", 2525], ["kissest", 2525], ["salty", 2543], ["bittersweet", 2557], ["heat", 2564], ["heats", 2564], ["heated", 2564], ["precede", 2574], ["preceding", 2574], ["ice", 2582], 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3042], ["inside", 3053], ["insides", 3053], ["last", 3078], ["see", 3089], ["people", 3110], ["long", 3124], ["think", 3130], ["thinkest", 3130], ["die", 3142], ["dying", 3142], ["fear", 3161], ["fearest", 3161], ["left", 3172], ["leave", 3172], ["behind", 3179], ["vel", 3190], ["build", 3207], ["builds", 3207], ["built", 3207], ["chitin", 3217], ["though", 3232], ["live", 3249], ["lived", 3249], ["still", 3261], ["die", 3265], ["upon", 3284], ["every", 3295], ["hope", 3300], ["fix", 3309], ["fixes", 3309], ["fixed", 3309], ["merely", 3321], ["flesh", 3327], ["fleshest", 3327], ["bone", 3336], ["bonest", 3336], ["chapter", 3346], ["shuttle", 3361], ["put", 3366], ["puts", 3366], ["near", 3376], ["town", 3383], ["small", 3393], ["deserve", 3404], ["deserved", 3404], ["name", 3413], ["little", 3431], ["imperial", 3440], ["presence", 3449], ["rural", 3469], ["remote", 3480], ["remoted", 3480], ["capital", 3507], ["offer", 3516], ["prestige", 3529], ["post", 3539], ["centurion", 3558], 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3988], ["mean", 4002], ["meanest", 4002], ["means", 4002], ["primitive", 4022], ["develop", 4040], ["developest", 4040], ["developed", 4040], ["spacefaring", 4052], ["technology", 4063]]
|
while the outpost manned by the centurions has every modern convenience , including a comm array on the roof , the houses down the mountain are humble , made of mud and stone , and they do n't seem to have power : not solar , electric , or any other modern amenity . i can not believe my eyes . i ask loras . fury clenches his jaw , and he speaks through gritted teeth . confronted with what my people have done to his , i feel sick to my stomach . it 's not like this in the capital , although the la'heng are certainly subservient to the imperial forces who protect them . but i did n't know it was like this in outlying areas . `` i do n't see any nicuan presence at all . how do the people survive ? '' loras told me , long ago , that he required a protector-that the bond was necessary . obviously , for traveling , he needed somebody to protect him physically , but i recall the way he spoke , as if it were a physiological imperative . `` there are protectors in the cities . they hold bonds in abeyance . '' `` sort of like absentee landlords ? '' it should be a personal thing of honor and promises , but it has dwindled to this , handled by proxies . protectors hold massive rosters of those they 'safeguard . ' '' `` from the comfort of their palaces in the cities . '' `` yes , '' he says through clenched teeth . `` and then , when someone wishes to pick a pet for personal use , they apply to the protector to take the bond . '' `` let 's go , '' zeeka interrupts . i need to think about something else . his armor has a special solar-heat feature since he 's not warm-blooded , and the mountains get cold at night . according to all the treatises loras has read , it 's easiest to fight a superior force in such terrain . so that 's where we begin . the others fall in . as we get a few steps away from the ship , it blends with the rocky hillside , so that , from a distance , it 's indistinguishable from the landscape . i 'm really pleased with how randd perfected the camo paint . as a unit , we close our helmets so that we fade in the same fashion . movement gives us away , of course , but there 's nobody on watch . they 're all inside drinking and watching vids , commiserating on drawing such a shit post . loras chose our initial targets well . we fired the first salvo already , but we 'll fight the war out here in the provinces . as with all great guerilla generals , he 's determined we must win the hearts and minds of the people . later , they will support us . they will hide us . i 've memorized the names of my new teammates , at least ; we accomplished that much on the way out here . there are four males , two females , one of whom is breathtakingly beautiful-farah , whom i met at the secret conclave in jineba . the other female is called bannie . with brown hair and eyes , she 's pretty , of course , but not awe-inspiring . she 's capable , though , which is more important . i hear she did particularly well in the martial-arts portion of march 's crash training course . it 's impossible to tell the four la'heng males apart with their armor on , as they 're all of a height . one of them is farah 's brother , timmon , who resembles her somewhat . the other three are rikir , eller , and xirol . loras leads the way up . the terrain wo n't permit a clean landing , so we come in on foot . soon , over the next rise , i spot the mining station . it 's all corrugated metal , ugly as hell , and hard to heat . quickly , i skim the outpost for assets we can repurpose . the comm tower on the roof will prove useful once we take out the skeleton crew . it 's nearly dark ; therefore , the workers have all gone home . inside the fence , the compound is full of machinery and mining equipment in various states of disrepair . in a glance at vel , who 's easy to id given the shape of his helmet , i ask a silent question . he inclines his head to confirm that he can do all kinds of interesting things with this stuff . loras urges us toward the gate with a gesture . the rest of us comply . it takes sixteen seconds to disable the simple analog lock ; and then i follow the others through the compound toward the building . using the machines as cover , though that 's probably unnecessary , i climb the stairs behind vel . zeeka is behind me , weapon in hand , and loras brings up the rear . bannie has point , and i crouch as she kicks the door open , then drops . the first half of the team strides in . xirol nails the guy sitting before the comm before he has time to raise his hand . his head splatters . i drop to one knee to steady my aim and take out the man i gauge to be the commander .
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chest shot , no fancy shooting for me . the burn forms immediately , the stink of charred meat in the air , and the surviving centurions dive for their weapons , but they 're middle-aged and slow , plus they do n't even keep their sidearms nearby . it 's been that long since they had to fight . the attack , if you could even call it that , does n't take long . it 's more like an execution . afterward , timmon and rikir haul the bodies outside , so we have room to work . zeeka 's vocalizer has the mimic function , so he finds the comm , plays the log , then makes a call to central that will prevent them from sending a team . `` this is montrose . we 're having some trouble with the emitter array . i 'm going to take it down while we make repairs . '' it 's a little eerie to hear a dead man 's voice coming from zeeka 's helmet . the comm crackles . they 've restored planetary communications since the bombing , but because leviter 's gambit has come to fruition , their messages wo n't be bounced off world via satellite . la'heng is now in lockdown , coded red . nobody 's coming to help them . the imperials just do n't realize how dire the situation is , yet . `` acknowledged , montrose , keep us posted . central out . '' the centurion on the other end sounds bored . there 's no reason to fear that the la'hengrin may rise up . they 're helpless and subservient , bound to follow orders . vel gets up on the roof to disconnect the array to keep the story consistent , which buys us some time . we 'll plug it back in later to make regular bogus reports from montrose . old comm logs should give us a better idea what they expect from this station . afterward , i help the rest of the squad haul the other bodies beyond the gated perimeter . mountain beasts should drag them off . if not , the elements will claim them . it 's not like anybody is coming to look for them so long as zeeka plays his part . then it 's a forced march back to the shuttle . i swing into the back with the others while loras runs up front with vel . xirol and timmon are jokers , cracking wise about how soft the centurions are . rikir is quiet , along with farah . bannie 's talking to zeeka about his implant . i lean over , watching the ground rush toward us as vel maneuvers the craft for a landing just outside the village . from our preliminary intel , there 's reason to believe they 'll welcome us here . as i leap out of the shuttle-i 'm the fifth to disembark-the la'hengrin come out of their houses to greet us . despite the darkness , lit only by flickering torches , i 'm not afraid . loras steps forward , pulling off his helmet so they can see his face . `` do any of you recognize me ? '' one of the miners , still filthy from his shift , steps forward and lifts his hand in affirmation . `` your broadcast came on when i was in the rec room up at the mine . i told everyone ... i 'm not sure they believed me . '' `` i 'm deven . '' `` loras . '' his clear gaze skims the crowd . `` on the mountain above , your captors lie dead . liberation starts here . if i must , i will go quietly , town by town , offering the cure . there 's a chance you wo n't survive it . but for me , it was better to risk death than to continue living as a slave . '' in ten villages around the world , just like this one , cell leaders are speaking these exact same words . maybe they do n't all have loras 's charisma , but they do share his conviction . the crowd murmurs , then a woman whispers in deven 's ear . `` tell us about this cure . '' loras glances over . he 's the most qualified , scientifically , to lay it out thoroughly yet in layman 's terms . so in simple language , he explains how dr. carvati perfected the cure , using data found in the maker records ; they 're ones who build the technology we use to navigate grimspace-and without our trip to the other 'verse , liberation would n't be possible now . vel elaborates on how the treatment works , step by step , how long it takes , and , finally , the risks . he concludes , `` currently , the failure rate is 5 percent . for every hundred who take the treatments , five will perish . '' we 're not trying to trick them . the audience rumbles more , confused , uncertain . in some ways , it must sound too good to be true but also terrifying . because who wants to gamble with his life that way ? a woman raises her hand . `` how will it affect our children ?
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will our babies be born free ? '' clearly , this is a mother 's concern in taking the risk . fortunately , vel has the answer . `` yes , due to la'hengrin adaptive physiology . '' just as rc-12 caused their children to be enslaved , carvati 's cure will undo the damage . if i had kids , i 'd want this for them . nobody should be forced to live as the la'hengrin do , devoid of agency and free will . finally , deven says , `` we 'll hold a meeting in the morning and decide what 's to be done . there 's a cottage where you can stay tonight . '' la'heng liberation army signal-jack ad : profile two loras [ a man with navy eyes gazes at the camera with complete confidence . ] when i was seventeen , a stranger took me from my home . he sent me to school . he was n't unkind . eventually , he took me off nicuan , and he lost me in a game of charm to another stranger . this man , too , was kind enough , though he treated me like a tool to be used . he rarely asked me how i felt or thought about anything . i never received pay for my work , so anything i wanted , i had to ask for like a child . now most of you might think , this does n't sound so bad . at least you were n't beaten or molested . but what person ought to hold that up as a measuring stick of what 's acceptable ? eventually , the second old man died ... and he left me to his great-nephew , again like property . do you sense a theme ? my new owner did n't want me . he was embarrassed to take charge of me ; he feared others would judge him-and rightly so . consequently , he treated me even less like a person . it was ... soul-crushing . that 's a dramatic word , but it fits . in time , i ceased to consider myself a sentient being . i had no opinions . i merely did as i was told . my bond switched as it does , rarely , when my owner failed to protect me . the one who saved my life took possession . she was better than the others ... and worse . she reminded me that i had desires of my own . she tried to treat me like a person . eventually , i started to think i mattered to her , and i resented my life before . the injustice made me angry . then she left me to die , and an infamous pirate became responsible for my care . in his hands , i suffered the abuse others experience from the beginning . it was monstrous , and it did not end until i took the cure . because i realized i would rather die a free man than live in chains . voice-over : and that 's what you 're fighting for . chapter 18 the cottage is small and primitive . fortunately , our field kits provide for bivouacking in less-than-ideal locales . i strip down to my thin uniform and wrap up . all around me , my squad-mates do the same . a night on the floor in a bedroll leaves me none the worse , and in the morning , i suck down a packet of paste ; it does n't taste any better than it ever did . `` this brings back memories , '' i say when i catch vel looking at me . he makes a noise my chip recognizes as laughter , no need to engage his vocalizer . i understand him just fine . for a moment , i drift in the incredible adventures we shared in the gate world , which i think is where the makers originated . other people will explore that possibility , however . it 's enough that i 've set the pendulum in motion . someone else can follow each tick of the weighted ball . loras recalls me to the mission when he barks , `` on your feet , people . assemble in the square in five minutes . '' after gearing up , i jog in lockstep with everyone else . loras is a natural commander , a fact that surprises me . but when i knew him before , he existed in forced submission . there was no chance for him to let his true personality shine then . by daylight , the village seems even more humble , the poverty more shocking against the way the imperials live in the capital . this planet has lush resources , and they 're controlled by less than 2 percent of the population . la'hengrin are n't permitted to own property ... ostensibly because they ca n't protect it . all the laws here are writ in this bullshit altruism , and it makes my stomach hurt . the leader from last night , deven , meets us with the rest of the population at his back . `` we discussed what you told us last night . '' `` a number of people want to volunteer . the rest of us would like to see how it works . you wo n't ... force the cure on anyone ? '' he seems a little frightened today .
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sometimes too much change , too fast , can be overwhelming . it makes you want to put things back the way they were , even if the old situation sucked . i reckon we need to be careful how we handle these folks . xirol 's ready smile soothes them . `` the centurions have been murdered , '' someone calls from the back . `` not murdered , '' loras replies coldly . `` it is called rebellion . '' `` are we supposed to go to the mines ? '' a la'hengrin woman asks timidly . i can tell from her pallor that she must work there , along with at least half the village . none of them have a healthy glow to their skin . they all look a bit sick , anemic . if doc were here , i 'd ask him to run some panels and make sure they 're strong enough for carvati 's cure . but he 's gone , and nobody can take his place . of us all , farah has the most medical experience . she assisted an imperial physician in the capital before she ran into loras . but she 's not a doctor . at best , she knows how to use medical equipment better than the rest of us . it 's not enough for her to take blood and analyze the results with the equipment we have available . our handhelds do n't function as portable labs , and the village does n't even have basic facilities . `` no , '' loras says . `` even if you wish to remain neutral , i ask you not to produce any resources that will benefit the enemy . '' `` but where will our food come from ? '' a man demands . so that 's how it is . the centurions keep the village dependent on them for provisions and they pay them in subsistence coin . the climate might support some agriculture . certainly , the soil here at the foot of the mountain seems rich enough . yet the imperials keep the la'hengrin on a leash . `` i will go over the records , '' vel says quietly . he has n't removed his helmet . nor has zeeka . this is probably wise , at least until the villagers are n't so spooked . `` and i will determine how often they sent shipments to the central-processing facility . i 'll find a way to keep your shipments coming while we sort things here . '' the la'hengrin murmur en masse , discussing that offer , and deven says , `` so you 'll take care of us ... and we get to stay home with our families ? '' `` no more bluerot ? '' bluerot and miner 's lung are two of the worst and most antibiotic-resistant infections . those spores thrive in tunnels , and once you 're infected , it 's almost impossible to cure . the best you can hope is a treatment that extends your life a little though toward the end , it 's miserable . worry plucks at me as i gaze through my tinted helmet at their pale faces . if we kill more than 5 percent due to weakness , i ca n't deal with it . there has to be a way to be sure . i wonder if there 's a lab at the mining station . before loras can speak , i whisper my request . he turns to me , obviously weighing , then nods . `` that 's smart , jax . this might be the first time i 've ever been praised for foreseeing possible consequences . who says i do n't learn from my mistakes ? i tap farah on the arm . `` let 's run up to the mining station and see if there 's a place where we can do some preliminary tests on our volunteers . '' `` you mean like a medical vi ? '' `` basic diagnostic equipment would do . you know about the proper levels of blood cells and things , right ? '' at this , she nods . `` i memorized the normal ranges so i could handle the routine checkups dr. victus did to certify the centurions as fit for active duty . '' `` so you have some experience interpreting test results . '' `` only normal versus abnormal . i would n't know what was wrong . '' `` that 's good enough for our purposes . '' `` wait , sirantha . i will accompany you . '' as farah and i head for the mountain pass , vel falls into step . he does n't say it 's in case we run into trouble , but vel has been guarding my back so long that i do n't think he 'd let me go anywhere there 's even a mild chance of combat without him . it 's a fair hike , but there 's no reason to fire up the shuttle when the la'hengrin make this trip every damn day of their lives . the mountain air is thin and crisp , even coming through the filtration in my helmet . i do n't take it off because vel has n't , and i 'm showing solidarity . plus , it 's fragging cold . as we climb , i continue the conversation with farah .
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`` i think we should deny any volunteers who come back with any abnormal results . '' `` agreed , '' vel puts in . `` it will not sway any to our cause if their loved ones die from a lack of care on our end . '' farah sighs . `` that 's assuming there 's anything up here we can use . '' `` i also do n't think we should make them march up here for testing . vel , can you help me load the medical junk onto the shuttle and set it up properly in the village ? '' `` i could , but there will be a problem finding a power source . '' `` dammit , '' i mutter . `` there will be solar panels on the roof , '' farah says . `` stations this remote are n't wired into the thermodynamic grid . '' `` it would be a statement of our good intentions if we made some local improvements , '' i point out . farah laughs . `` you 've been talking to loras , i take it ? he goes on and on about the importance of winning the people to our cause . i do n't know how many lectures i 've endured about being polite and kind , never forcing our will on them , giving them freedom in all things , helping to make their daily lives easier- '' a chuckle escapes me . `` yes , he gave me a manifesto to read-123 riveting pages on my role as a guerilla warrior . '' she asks with a smile in her voice . `` i ... skimmed . '' in truth , i got bored after fifteen pages and gave it to constance , then asked her to make me a list of need-to-know info . `` i found the information helpful if not comprehensive , '' vel says . `` i now know how to construct a number of incendiary devices from base chemicals . '' `` that might come in handy , '' i say , grinning . the conversation flows easily as we move up the mountain . at the top , the station remains still and quiet . the bodies are no longer where we left them . `` animals got them , '' farah guesses . i suggest , `` or the la'hengrin who came up to investigate this morning pitched them down a mine shaft . '' bitterness rings in her tone before she straightens her shoulders , peering around the yard . `` where do you suppose medical would be in a place like this ? '' `` the buildings are numbered , not named . '' vel strides toward one at random . `` some will contain barracks . others will be the mess and the commissary if the station is designed on military principles . '' none of the buildings are very large . it does n't take us long to explore and discover that vel 's right about the layout . the fourth one we check has rudimentary medical equipment , including a diagnostic computer with sample analysis capabilities . it does n't take a doctor to use it , just someone with farah 's experience . the centurions probably had a medic up here , not an md . `` will this be complicated to disassemble ? '' he 's examining the various machines . the medical center is n't well equipped , as the centurions assigned here are n't in favor with the houses they serve . it 's a bare-bones facility , but compared to what the la'heng have , which amounts to incense , prayers , and smoky bits of herb , it will offer tremendous value . let me head down the mountain to get the shuttle . '' he has to since he 's our pilot . otherwise , i 'd offer to save him the trek down the mountain . at least he does n't have to climb back up again . `` i can start taking everything down , '' farah offers . `` i 'm familiar with this model . '' `` if you tell me what to do , i 'll help . '' chapter 19 by the time vel returns with the shuttle and a couple of our squad-mates , farah and i have the equipment packed in shipping crates and ready for transport . with xirol and rikir helping out , it does n't take long to make the transfer . i survey the station while we 're moving stuff to see if there 's anything else to help the la'hengrin . most of it does n't lend itself to communal use , however , and until we figure out a way to get power in every home , we ca n't give some people toys others lack . xirol decides they might like the vid equipment , so we pack that , too . the comm suite has to remain where the array 's attached . it would take too long to move that , as the tower 's pretty tall and intricately made . soon enough , we 're ready , and vel flies us down . i 'd be worried about detection , except he 's perfected the stealth program to cloak our energy emissions ... even if they do detect something , there 's enough mining equipment that the imperials ca n't be sure the shuttle does n't belong here .
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["prayer", 3016], ["prayers", 3016], ["smoky", 3028], ["bit", 3033], ["bits", 3033], ["herb", 3041], ["herbs", 3041], ["offer", 3057], ["tremendous", 3068], ["value", 3074], ["let", 3080], ["lets", 3080], ["head", 3088], ["get", 3113], ["since", 3146], ["pilot", 3162], ["otherwise", 3174], ["save", 3195], ["trek", 3208], ["least", 3237], ["leastest", 3237], ["climb", 3263], ["start", 3294], ["take", 3301], ["taking", 3301], ["everything", 3312], ["offer", 3335], ["offers", 3335], ["familiar", 3354], ["model", 3370], ["tell", 3390], ["chapter", 3430], ["time", 3445], ["return", 3457], ["returnest", 3457], ["returns", 3457], ["couple", 3487], ["squad", 3500], ["mate", 3506], ["mated", 3506], ["mates", 3506], ["pack", 3546], ["packed", 3546], ["shipping", 3558], ["crate", 3565], ["crates", 3565], ["ready", 3575], ["transport", 3589], ["transfer", 3669], ["transfering", 3669], ["survey", 3680], ["surveyest", 3680], ["move", 3712], ["moving", 3712], ["stuff", 3718], ["see", 3725], ["else", 3751], ["lend", 3801], ["communal", 3820], ["however", 3834], ["figure", 3856], ["way", 3866], ["ways", 3866], ["every", 3888], ["home", 3893], ["homing", 3893], ["ca", 3901], ["cas", 3901], ["give", 3910], ["toy", 3927], ["toyed", 3927], ["toyest", 3927], ["toys", 3927], ["decide", 3955], ["decides", 3955], ["vid", 3979], ["pack", 4002], ["comm", 4024], ["suite", 4030], ["remain", 4044], ["array", 4060], ["arrayed", 4060], ["attach", 4072], ["attached", 4072], ["tower", 4125], ["towered", 4125], ["towerest", 4125], ["pretty", 4135], ["prettiest", 4135], ["tall", 4140], ["intricately", 4156], ["soon", 4168], ["enough", 4175], ["fly", 4206], ["flys", 4206], ["flies", 4206], ["worry", 4232], ["worried", 4232], ["detection", 4248], ["except", 4257], ["perfect", 4273], ["perfectest", 4273], ["perfected", 4273], ["stealth", 4285], ["program", 4293], ["cloak", 4302], ["cloaks", 4302], ["energy", 4313], ["emission", 4323], ["emissions", 4323], ["even", 4332], ["evens", 4332], ["detect", 4350], ["detectest", 4350], ["mining", 4385], ["imperial", 4414], ["imperials", 4414], ["sure", 4429], ["belong", 4457], ["belonged", 4457], ["belongest", 4457]]
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they do n't have our registry number for tracking purposes , and if we organize things properly , they wo n't ever get it . the crowd has dispersed by now . they 're less interested in our comings and goings , as long as we 're not hostile , we 're not making them do anything , and we promise not to disrupt their way of life . the ones who have stuck around seem intrigued , however , by all the gear we 're hauling out of the shuttle . deven has cleaned up since last night , and he seems to be the spokesman for the village . that , or he 's just the most vocal , regardless of whether they want him to be . `` setting up a clinic , '' farah replies with a smile . `` i thought we 'd use that cottage you let us sleep in unless you have some objection ? '' unlike most males , deven does n't respond visibly to farah 's easy charm . maybe he 's spoken for . the owner died . '' `` that 's an auspicious omen for a medical center , '' xirol cracks . since he 's rarely serious , i like his company . i get enough weighty business from loras , who is all rebellion , all the time . someone has to take responsibility if the war effort goes sideways , but i 'm glad it 's not me . my time on center stage is waning , and i yearn for the day when the spotlight swings away from me for good . `` over here , jax , '' farah calls . `` i need your help with the- '' and then she says a bunch of letters and numbers , which i assume is the machine . bannie asks . i figure she can if i can . it 's as simple as following directions . before long , we 're all working under vel and farah 's supervision , putting pieces together and plugging things in . rikir and zeeka go up on the roof with the solar panels , and dust flakes down from above as they move around . i eye the slates warily , but they do n't break , and neither male comes tumbling down on top of me , so i keep working . when vel clicks the final part in place , and the machines light up , i cheer along with everyone else . power means that the guys have done their job up top . a thump says they 've hopped down , then they haul another solar panel down to the church . xirol thinks this is the best place to put the entertainment equipment since it 's the only building big enough to house a large number of people . though it seems a little odd to think of a religious building as entertaining , i see his point . there 's no other fair way to set it up , and we do n't want people fighting . it should go in a central location where everybody has a chance to check it out . `` once we do a little cleaning , we 'll be ready to start the exams , '' farah says . i nod , turning to bannie . `` can you see if deven can spare us some brooms and buckets and things ? '' at least , i assume that 's what we 'll need . i ca n't recall that i 've ever cleaned anything in my life . jax the janitor , i think , as she moves to fulfill the request . bannie comes back with a slim , shy-looking la'hengrin female in tow . the dark-haired woman holds out her hand hesitantly , as if she is n't sure i 'll be polite . i shake hands gently , not wanting to spook her . `` darana . i 'm deven 's wife . he said you need some help tidying up the place . i 'm a good worker . '' she does n't need to sell me on her services . we really appreciate you pitching in . '' her smile lights up her thin , pale face , and i can see why deven married her . well , no , i think . the least is nothing . darana works like a champion , and she laughs when she realizes how little i know about this kind of endeavor . cleaning is exhausting but rewarding work ; a few hours later , we have the cottage ready for the grand opening . by now , it 's close to nightfall , and i have n't had anything all day but that packet of paste . `` dinner will be ready at the church by now , '' darana says , packing up the supplies . `` nothing fancy , but i hope you 'll come . '' xirol grins at her . `` my belly thinks my throat 's been cut . i have n't worked this hard since i left my master in jineba . '' farah makes a scoffing sound , as he 's propped up the wall for the last half hour . since xirol came down from the roof , he 's been watching bannie , who pretends she has n't noticed . darana puts a hand on xirol 's arm , staying him .
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["chance", 2523], ["chanced", 2523], ["chancing", 2523], ["check", 2532], ["cleaning", 2573], ["ready", 2591], ["start", 2600], ["exam", 2610], ["exams", 2610], ["nod", 2634], ["turn", 2644], ["turning", 2644], ["spare", 2690], ["broom", 2705], ["brooms", 2705], ["bucket", 2717], ["buckets", 2717], ["least", 2742], ["leastest", 2742], ["ca", 2785], ["cas", 2785], ["recall", 2796], ["recallest", 2796], ["janitor", 2858], ["move", 2883], ["moves", 2883], ["fulfill", 2894], ["request", 2906], ["requestest", 2906], ["back", 2926], ["slim", 2938], ["shy", 2944], ["shying", 2944], ["look", 2952], ["looking", 2952], ["female", 2970], ["tow", 2977], ["dark", 2988], ["woman", 3001], ["womans", 3001], ["hold", 3007], ["holds", 3007], ["hand", 3020], ["hesitantly", 3031], ["sure", 3055], ["polite", 3071], ["shake", 3081], ["hand", 3087], ["hands", 3087], ["gently", 3094], ["spook", 3117], ["wife", 3154], ["say", 3164], ["sayest", 3164], ["said", 3164], ["tidy", 3191], ["tidying", 3191], ["sell", 3256], ["sells", 3256], ["service", 3275], ["servicing", 3275], ["services", 3275], ["really", 3287], ["appreciate", 3298], ["appreciates", 3298], ["pitch", 3311], ["pitching", 3311], ["lit", 3336], ["light", 3336], ["lights", 3336], ["thin", 3348], ["thins", 3348], ["pale", 3355], ["face", 3360], ["marry", 3394], ["married", 3394], ["well", 3405], ["wells", 3405], ["nothing", 3443], ["work", 3458], ["wrought", 3458], ["works", 3458], ["champion", 3474], ["laugh", 3491], ["laughs", 3491], ["realize", 3509], ["realizes", 3509], ["know", 3527], ["knowest", 3527], ["kind", 3543], ["endeavor", 3555], ["rewarding", 3594], ["work", 3599], ["wrought", 3599], ["hour", 3613], ["hours", 3613], ["later", 3619], ["grand", 3661], ["opening", 3669], ["close", 3692], ["nightfall", 3705], ["packet", 3759], ["paste", 3768], ["pasting", 3768], ["dinner", 3780], ["pack", 3842], ["packing", 3842], ["supply", 3858], ["supplies", 3858], ["fancy", 3877], ["fanciest", 3877], ["come", 3903], ["grin", 3920], 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he asks , clearly thinking about food . `` being free . '' `` indescribable . '' this is the first time i 've ever seen xirol dead serious . `` it 's like having your heart unchained because nobody can make you do anything ever again . '' `` how did you get up the courage to take those shots , knowing you could die ? you started a whole new life ... '' her voice trails off as she shakes her head in wonder . `` i do n't know if i could ever be that brave . '' `` you do n't have to make up your mind right now , '' farah says . darana nods . `` let 's get something to eat before it 's all gone . '' when i leave the clinic , loras is waiting outside . he 's not wearing his helmet , and his cheeks are red with the cold , his eyes sharp and sad . i can tell there 's something on his mind , so i wait until the others are out of earshot . `` these people need care , jax . some of them are really sick . there 's a little girl , not more than nine , with such a terrible cough ... '' bluerot . for the first time in my life , i wish i were n't a jumper . right now , i 'd prefer to be a doctor . or better yet , doc should be here instead . if i could go back , if i could swap places , i would . because he 'd do so much good here . his azure eyes read my regret , and though he does n't know the whole truth , i 'm sure he senses my remorse . i choke it down . `` we 'll do our best for them . '' he nods , and i follow him to the church , where the la'hengrin have set up a small feast . the fact that it 's their best , offered freely , when they have so little , chokes me up . i feel bad eating a bowl of the thin but delicious soup , mostly reconstituted vegetables with grain to add heartiness . the room is loud and crowded ; so many bodies make for warmth , driving away the chill of the cold mountain night . i wonder what march is doing right now , if he 's thinking about me . he might be eating , too , joking with sasha and talking about the day . company will be scarce at base since the majority of the personnel shipped out in various cells . after the meal ends , xirol gets the entertainment center working . that means the church has power as well as the clinic . on the first day , we 've made some improvements . xirol finds a program on the memory core and turns it on . i should n't be surprised that it 's all about the imperials ; they control everything else , so why would n't the vids be about them , too ? this is some kind of drama that makes the life of a centurion look exciting and romantic . before the show is half-over , the la'hengrin are booing , and xirol switches it off . `` is there anything about us on there ? '' a young girl asks . the question is heartbreaking . this is their world , and yet they have been erased from it . their culture has been undone , buried beneath wave after wave of invaders and occupations . for countless turns , the la'hengrin have served their various overlords . xirol says , `` i 'll check . '' but he 's seen more of the world than she has , and his mouth compresses , for once unable to find the humor . i share his consternation . later , as everyone files out , i notice the girl who asked about la'hengrin vids ca n't take a step without coughing . her lips are blue-tinged , and the cloth she holds to her mouth comes away tinged in red . she wo n't live to receive her first kiss or plan for her future . there 's no limit to the number of things wrong with this scenario . since the cottage is too full of medical equipment to have room for ten of us , loras asks permission for us to camp in the church . if we 're sticking around a while , i see the need for a more permanent solution , but until we find one , this will do . the la'hengrin agree it 's all right , so we bed down after everyone clears out . it 's colder in the church than the cottage with the others gone , because our bodies are n't sufficient to warm the space . i shiver as i remove my armor and crawl into the bedroll . so far , the rebellion has been different than i expected . based on what i knew in the morgut wars , i thought we 'd see more fighting early on . but i suppose if we did , then the effort would end before it began . they have far more centurions than we have free la'hengrin ... but that will change , in time .
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in the morning , i have more paste , bathe with cold water vel supplies , then head to the clinic , where farah is already set up . `` would you like to help me ? '' `` i 've never taken blood before . '' `` it 's like using a hypo , only in reverse . just press here and the device does the rest . and this is how you change the vial inside . '' she shows me how to pop the polymer tube out of the chamber . it takes me a couple of tries , but i get the hang of it . she taps her comm . we use a short-range frequency that does n't extend far enough for nicuan forces to hear our chatter . `` loras , can you round up our volunteers , please ? '' he replies , `` consider it done . '' chapter 20 the townsfolk come in for testing a few at a time , so farah and i are never overwhelmed . i 'm nervous the first time , but i watch farah smooth an antiseptic pad over the phlebotomy site , so i do the same . then the gizmo does the work , and it 's quick . afterward , i fumble only a little in getting the new vial in place . all told , it takes an hour to take the genetic material we need . farah feeds the samples into the machine one by one , as this is n't a sophisticated piece of equipment . in hospitals , they have the capacity to analyze in batches . there was no call for that at the mining station . at least it 's fast , however . five minutes later , the first result appears on screen . she skims it , then turns to me . some readings are in the low range , but nothing that makes me think she 's a poor candidate . '' we work side by side for a couple more hours . at the end of the session , she 's disqualified seven people , due to irregular white-blood-cell counts , anemia , and a couple of problems that might indicate something more serious . farah gnaws her lip . `` i wish i was qualified for diagnosis and treatment . i feel so useless . did you know that la'hengrin are n't allowed to go to university unless it 's to study languages or communications ? '' i had n't , though i did wonder why so many served as translators or communication specialists aboard ships . it seemed that was the only way to get off world , and even then , they could only travel under someone else 's aegis . `` otherwise , you 're stuck on la'heng . '' `` living like this . '' her mouth firms into a taut , white line . this must be hell . if they do n't travel with their shinai , then most la'heng do n't even know the rest of the world is like this . they only see what they 're shown . `` i had a friend who could 've helped , '' i say softly . evidently , she can tell by my tone that he 's gone , not just far away . `` he died in the bombing of venice minor . '' `` you were there , i hear ? '' it 's not a prying question though it is a leading one . `` loras said it was bad . i guess you 've had some adventures . '' `` i 'll tell you about them sometime . '' we 'll have ample opportunity as we go village to village and liberate the la'hengrin . she pauses , her expression becoming shy . `` women do n't usually like me , you know . '' she shrugs , by which i infer she does n't want to talk about it . farah 's not just lovely ; she 's also a nice person . but maybe other females do n't take the time to get to know her . they just look at her face and decide she must be a bitch and treat her accordingly . that would be lonely . `` do you think we have time to start the treatments ? '' after checking the time , she nods and calls loras . `` these folks do n't seem healthy enough to withstand the cure . '' she reads the names . `` you get to break the news , boss man . can you send the rest of the volunteers in groups of ten ? it should take us about fifteen minutes to handle them , so send them at regular intervals . '' he cocks a brow , leaning toward her just enough that i 'm intrigued by what his body language communicates . she laughs , and genuine delight adds a sparkle to her green eyes . loras and farah ? i 've never seen loras interested in a woman before , but he 's spent most of his life off la'hengrin . it 's possible that other species do n't appeal . `` that should suffice for now , but i 'll keep you posted . '' there 's a hint of a tease in his voice , a small smile playing at the edges of his mouth . for those seconds , i 'm sure he 's forgotten i exist .
|
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once he heads out , i ask , `` so what 's the deal with you two ? '' hot color washes her cheeks , the shade of tropical flowers that grew in my mother 's garden on venice minor . `` what makes you think- '' `` i know what i saw . '' she gives up the pretense . `` we 're just flirting now , but i really like him . he 's ... different than most la'hengrin males . more confident . '' i 'm curious about something , but i ca n't think of a tactful way to ask this . if i want to know , i suppose i just need to come out with it . `` would you ever consider hooking up with someone who was n't la'hengrin ? '' farah arches her brows . `` where are you going with this , jax ? '' a laugh escapes me . `` not why i 'm asking . i just wondered because i 've never seen a mixed couple- '' `` ah , '' she says . `` prurient curiosity . there 's no taboo against it precisely , but it 's impossible for love to flourish in an unequal partnership . '' `` loras said that about friendship . '' servitude aside , our physiology makes it impossible for us to crossbreed with other species . '' the first conquerors tried to dilute us with their offspring , but our bodies look on alien material as viruses , and our immune systems react accordingly . '' `` so to start a family , you need another la'hengrin . '' i suppose someone with a sophisticated lab might manage to combine genetic materials , but no one has cared enough to try . '' `` if you want loras , i hope you get him . before farah can respond , the first volunteers enter the clinic . they break into groups of five , forming lines before us . i 'm ready with my hypo for the first shot . `` there will be seven injections , '' i say , loud enough for everyone to hear me . `` on the last day , we 'll find out if the treatment worked . '' the woman before me asks , rubbing her arm . i glance at farah . surely the news will sound better coming from her . she has an indefinable quality , along with her rare beauty , that combines to make her captivating . add those to her kindness , and she 's damn near irresistible . `` when the cure fails , '' farah says gently , `` all our repressed rage rushes in at once . it drives us mad . '' `` can it be fixed ? '' she shakes her head gravely . there is actual damage to higher neural functions . all that remains is the urge to kill . '' `` so you 'll put us down , '' a man says . it 's the cleanest solution . adaptive physiology makes it difficult to devise treatments for the la'heng , and since they 're not a wealthy people , medical companies have no motivation to help them . which is wrong , but it 's how the universe operates . the resistance lacks the resources to run an insane asylum . volunteers in the clinic seem to realize as much , and they fall quiet , waiting . no more hard questions . as i work , i try not to remember that one or two of these people will die a week from today . they all wear somber looks as they move in and out of the line , as if they 're aware of the same thing . as farah requested , loras sends them in waves . two hours later , we finish the first round of injections . only six more days until we find out who lives and dies . that leaves me feeling grim . so i murmur something to farah and head out into the crisp dusk . sunset in the mountains is dramatic ; the light drops away with little notice . one moment the sky is bright , then the ground drowns in shadows . i find vel working on a roof , not installing a solar panel , but mending it . since i 've known him , he has ever been a fixer of that which was broken . maybe especially me . it might be wrong for my heart to be so cleanly divided , but i do n't hurt as much with march gone as long as vel 's here . he only left that one time under the most dire circumstance-with my blessing-to serve his people . like me , he resigned at the first opportunity . he is my true north , my compass for what 's right . if ever i chart a course , and he will not follow , then i 'll know it 's wrong and turn back . it is becoming difficult to see . '' he leaps nimbly from the roof and comes toward me . `` did you enjoy playing doctor ? '' they need more help than i can give . and i keep thinking about day seven . '' `` it is a terrible choice , '' he says . `` what would you do if you knew you only had a week left to live ? '' `` there is no way to avoid my fate ? '' he asks , canting his head .
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generally speaking , he 's not given to hypothetical speculation . `` then i suppose i would get my affairs in order and spend my remaining moments with those most dear to me . '' it 's a prosaic response but perfectly vel . xirol comes up behind me , joining the conversation . `` i 'd find a girl and spend the week drunk and nak*d. if i was lucky , i 'd die before i sobered up . '' the old jax would 've approved of that plan heartily . i 'm not sure what i 'd do in the la'hengrin 's position . what an awful blade to carry on your shoulders . soon , the rest of the squad has assembled on the green , a humble place to start a revolution . until this moment , i do n't think it occurred to me how much downtime there would be , how much waiting . but we ca n't do anything until this time tomorrow-at least that 's what i 'm thinking when loras says : `` listen up . we 're going to start teaching these people how to fight . '' `` we ca n't , '' rikir protests . farah is nodding , a smile widening on her lovely face . `` we can if they do n't hit anyone , if we drill it as exercise and repetitive motion . '' an admiring light glimmers in loras 's eyes . `` precisely as i intended . '' bannie follows the thought to its conclusion . `` so by the time they all take the full course of treatments , they 'll know something about self-defense . '' `` do you think they 'll all step up ? '' timmon asks . loras shrugs . `` it must be their choice . i wo n't force my will on anyone else , or that makes me no better than '' -he cuts me an apologetic look- '' the humans . '' at that moment , i realize i 'm a minority of one . i mean , i knew i was the only human in the cell , but it does n't register until i have nine pairs of alien eyes trained on me . i manage a smile , but i 'm feeling like there 's a target on my back at the moment . i ca n't help my genetics . take your frustration out on me if it 'll make you feel better , but do n't mess up my pretty face . '' that makes rikir laugh because , on a good day , i 'm not pretty . strong-featured , sure , striking , maybe , in the right light , but i 've never been `` pretty . '' that breaks the tension , and i stride away before they decide they 'd like to play pound the human . chapter 21 the next week passes quickly . on the final day of treatments , false bravado pervades the village . it 's especially tense and hellish as farah and i finish the treatments one by one . then comes the waiting with our squad-mates standing by in case something goes wrong . mary , it 'll be so traumatic if- and then we 're done . not a single loss . i close my eyes in thanks while the la'hengrin cheer . fights break out immediately , and one of the women drops to her knees , weeping . she rubs a splayed palm back and forth across her chest , like she can feel the loosening of the tethers that keep her subservient to the imperial government . loras clasps my shoulder . `` your idea about the screenings helped . i 'm guessing we would 've lost some of them . '' `` that 's not a wholly accurate predictor , '' farah points out . `` we lost a few before , and i had their health records . they were good , strong candidates . '' they go off together , arguing , while the men around me stand down . bannie discreetly wipes away a tear , watching the volunteers react to their first moments of freedom . xirol 's mock fighting with one of the men , and rikir is explaining that if the centurions come back for any reason , the villagers ca n't reveal their new liberty . it has to seem like nothing has changed . or they 'll come down on you . deven stands in the clinic doorway . `` is it possible for me to get into the next group ? '' his wife , darana , steps out from behind him . `` it would be a big help if you could take this handheld and enter all the names of those who want to join you . we 'll proceed in the same way , doing screenings first , then another week . '' deven nods . `` in a month , you 'll have treated everyone here , except those who have health problems . '' then you 'll all be free to join the resistance . if you 're interested , we supply room and board ... no pay at the moment , and you 'll be sent out to do for others what we 've done here . '' at first , this will be a quiet , sneaky sort of war .
|
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we must build our army before we engage on a larger scale . the key will be doing enough damage to keep the planet on lockdown without permitting them to run us to ground . that 'll be a challenge . `` i do n't have any skills . i ca n't fight- '' `` we 'll teach you if you want to learn . '' later that night , xirol finds a period vid set in the days before humans came to la'heng . it 's bloody , sexy , barbaric , and way over the top , probably of dubious cultural accuracy , but the people love it , especially those who survived the cure . because now they can smash someone in the head with a rock . not that i support violence as a solution to every situation , but if you ca n't even defend yourself , and you need a keeper like a child , then it starts looking pretty appealing . while farah and i do medical screenings , the guys teach the combat classes for the la'heng . the first crop of cured volunteers can spar while the second group practices the movements purely as exercise . the days are routine , but i stay sharp , with an eye on the sky , just in case . but that just makes me nervous . in the end , when trouble comes , it 's not from above . on the fifteenth day , i 'm sitting beside farah , finishing the treatments , when the first patient runs amok . i was n't around during the trials when carvati first described the damage , and when loras quietly did his recruiting in the capital , i was working with tarn , leviter , and vel to handle the bureaucratic end . so this is my first time , close up , to see the eyes run red . blood fills the sclera , until the woman 's eyes are like marbles on a bed of red silk . it 's horrifying-and then she lunges at me , her teeth bared . rikir grabs her from behind , preventing her from tearing out my throat in two bites . `` darana , no ! '' it 's deven , who just graduated as a free la'heng . xirol restrains him , too , but he 's not insane , just ... heartbroken . she 's his wife , and she 's dying of bloodlust . his face a mask of pain , loras holds out his hand for the hypo we keep ready , just in case . it 's a kind death , a chemical cocktail that stops the heart . loras sinks it into her arm while deven screams her name over and over again . he 's just about strong enough in his grief to kick xirol 's ass , so zeeka and vel step between him and his wife . darana collapses ; rikir lowers her gently to the ground . with her eyes closed , she does n't reveal the madness . her face is calm and quiet when she breathes her last . i ca n't stop shaking . it was my hand holding the hypo that drove her mad . deven shouts at me . loras meets his gaze . i realize it 's no comfort . but do n't blame jax . and save your anger for the centurions . they 've earned your wrath . '' i must ... see to her . '' when they 're sure deven wo n't attack , vel , xirol , and zeeka step out of the way . with heartrending tenderness , he gathers darana 's body into his arms and strides from the clinic . he is n't the same timid man we met a few weeks ago . from such tragic moments are heroes made . i just wish the price had n't been so high . farah beckons her next patient forward . not surprisingly , the man hesitates . there are five more volunteers in the second group , and none of them look sure anymore . i sit quiet . i 'm not talking anyone into anything . they know the risks ; they know the potential rewards . the silence stretches like a taut wire , gradually thinning , until a woman steps forward bravely , offers her arm to farah , and closes her eyes . i hold my breath as she receives the injection , but she 's all right . and then all the others gather their resolve . there are no more deaths today , but i do n't kid myself that this is over . the last round of treatment will be complicated , now that we 've had our first casualty . it 's been days since i 've seen vel for more than a few moments , and we 're always surrounded by other squad-mates . i go looking for him through the village , which is in much better repair than when we arrived . lots of supplies have made their way down the mountain , appropriated by people who no longer fear imperial reprisal . they trust us enough to keep the boot off their necks at least . i stop zeeka , and ask , `` have you seen vel ? '' `` he 's up at the mining station . ''
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["arms", 2952], ["stride", 2964], ["stridden", 2964], ["strides", 2964], ["clinic", 2980], ["timid", 3007], ["man", 3011], ["mans", 3011], ["manned", 3011], ["meet", 3018], ["meeted", 3018], ["met", 3018], ["week", 3030], ["weeks", 3030], ["ago", 3034], ["tragic", 3053], ["moment", 3061], ["moments", 3061], ["hero", 3072], ["heros", 3072], ["heroes", 3072], ["wish", 3091], ["price", 3101], ["high", 3122], ["beckon", 3138], ["beckons", 3138], ["next", 3147], ["forward", 3163], ["forwarding", 3163], ["forwardest", 3163], ["surprisingly", 3182], ["hesitate", 3202], ["hesitates", 3202], ["five", 3219], ["fived", 3219], ["none", 3266], ["look", 3279], ["anymore", 3292], ["sat", 3300], ["sit", 3300], ["talk", 3325], ["talking", 3325], ["anyone", 3332], ["anything", 3346], ["know", 3358], ["knowest", 3358], ["risk", 3368], ["riskest", 3368], ["risks", 3368], ["potential", 3394], ["reward", 3402], ["rewards", 3402], ["silence", 3416], ["stretch", 3426], ["stretches", 3426], ["taut", 3438], 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a walk wo n't hurt me . i don my helmet and start off at a jog , but soon the altitude forces me to slow my steps . the air is thinner . i 'm mostly used to it now , except during vigorous activity . when i reach the top , the gate stands open , and some of the metal has been scavenged for use down below . it makes me happy to see this place being repurposed . i find vel in the office where the fight took place . the bloodstains remain on the floor , but it 's been long enough that the smell has faded . he 's listening to logs and making notes on his handheld when i walk in ; i remove my helmet so he can see my face . he glances up with a welcoming cant of his head and greets me in ithtorian . `` sirantha . did you finish ? '' mentally , i tell my chip to switch , and when i speak , it 's with my vocalizer . the clicks and chitters make it easier to confide , `` we had a casualty . '' she wo n't be the last , but seeing deven , hearing his raw anguish , well , i feel pretty shaken . i need ... i need vel . before i take a step , he 's out of his chair and has taken four . then he 's right there with me , chitin to armor . he rubs his face against the side of mine , such a comforting gesture . my chip processes the ithtorian , and i know he 's murmuring to me , shh , brown bird . still your wings . from anyone else , brown bird as an endearment would insult me , but with him , it 's perfect . `` i do not care for your armor , '' he says eventually . i gaze up at him in surprise . that 's the first time he 's commented on how i feel : good , bad , or otherwise . it seems so personal . our connection has always been more about kindred spirits than the state of our bodies . things are complicated between us already , and the comment startles me . apparently , he reads my confusion , explaining , `` it makes you feel ithtorian . combined with hearing you speak so , it is ... disconcerting . '' yeah , i can see how it would be . `` do you want me to take it off ? '' chapter 22 the question comes out more suggestive than it sounded in my head . for a moment , i freeze , but this is vel . he 's never going to assume a meaning i do n't intend or look for the lascivious angle . that 's outside his nature . with a human male , i 'd have to worry about stupid jokes . his sense of humor does n't extend to the ribald , at least not so far as i 've seen . `` you do not feel like yourself . '' so i strip out of my armor to the uniform beneath . i 'm wrinkled , but it does n't matter . i 'm not here to win any prizes for my appearance . since it 's my only set , i pile the gear carefully on a chair , then vel reaches for me . his arms are long , oddly jointed , and they end in razor-sharp talons . i should be afraid of his solace as it can rip me to shreds , but his natural weapons make his care all the more remarkable . the shards of pain and regret in my chest settle somewhat when he draws me against him . i lean my head against his thorax , marveling that this seems so natural . when i first saw him out of his camouflage , he was hunting me ... and i was terrified . so many turns have passed between then and now . `` tell me about the woman we lost , '' he invites . as i speak , he moves us toward the small sofa the centurions spent most of their lives sprawled on . it 's ratty and threadbare , but at least we have some privacy here . i 'm tired of being quartered in the church , surrounded by snoring soldiers . vel guides me to a seat as i relate meeting her , how it came to pass , her husband 's reaction , and the way i feel about being the one who gave her the shot that led to her death . speaking of it leaves my throat raw from the tears i ca n't let go because i do n't have the right . i only hurt her . sometimes , good intentions do n't matter at all . `` everyone chooses , sirantha . i doubt she regrets her decision . '' `` do you ever wonder where people go ? if there 's anything to mary , the iglogth , or whatever people call their gods ? '' `` so many things remind me of adele that ... '' here , he hesitates , studying me with his side-set eyes as if gauging my reaction . `` ... i feel that she is with me still .
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1137], ["armored", 1137], ["armoring", 1137], ["rub", 1147], ["rubs", 1147], ["side", 1173], ["sidest", 1173], ["mine", 1181], ["comfort", 1201], ["comforting", 1201], ["gesture", 1209], ["process", 1229], ["processes", 1229], ["know", 1256], ["knowest", 1256], ["murmur", 1272], ["murmurest", 1272], ["murmuring", 1272], ["shh", 1284], ["brown", 1292], ["browns", 1292], ["bird", 1297], ["still", 1305], ["wing", 1316], ["wings", 1316], ["anyone", 1330], ["else", 1335], ["endearment", 1365], ["insult", 1378], ["insultest", 1378], ["perfect", 1412], ["perfectest", 1412], ["care", 1431], ["say", 1459], ["sayest", 1459], ["says", 1459], ["eventually", 1470], ["gaze", 1479], ["gazes", 1479], ["surprise", 1501], ["surprised", 1501], ["first", 1521], ["firstest", 1521], ["time", 1526], ["comment", 1542], ["commented", 1542], ["good", 1563], ["bad", 1569], ["otherwise", 1584], ["seem", 1595], ["seeming", 1595], ["seems", 1595], ["personal", 1607], ["connection", 1624], ["always", 1635], 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2222], ["nature", 2233], ["human", 2248], ["male", 2253], ["males", 2253], ["worry", 2274], ["worried", 2274], ["stupid", 2287], ["joke", 2293], ["jokes", 2293], ["sense", 2305], ["humor", 2314], ["humors", 2314], ["humorest", 2314], ["extend", 2330], ["extended", 2330], ["ribald", 2344], ["ribalds", 2344], ["least", 2355], ["leastest", 2355], ["far", 2366], ["see", 2380], ["seen", 2380], ["like", 2406], ["strip", 2431], ["uniform", 2462], ["beneath", 2470], ["wrinkle", 2486], ["wrinkled", 2486], ["matter", 2511], ["mattering", 2511], ["win", 2534], ["prize", 2545], ["prizes", 2545], ["appearance", 2563], ["since", 2571], ["set", 2589], ["pile", 2598], ["gear", 2607], ["carefully", 2617], ["reach", 2647], ["reaches", 2647], ["arm", 2665], ["arms", 2665], ["oddly", 2682], ["end", 2705], ["ends", 2705], ["endest", 2705], ["razor", 2714], ["razoring", 2714], ["sharp", 2720], ["sharps", 2720], ["talon", 2727], ["talons", 2727], ["afraid", 2748], ["solace", 2762], ["solacing", 2762], ["rip", 2776], ["shred", 2789], ["shreds", 2789], ["natural", 2807], ["weapon", 2815], ["weapons", 2815], ["remarkable", 2853], ["shard", 2866], ["shards", 2866], ["pain", 2874], ["regret", 2885], ["chest", 2897], ["settle", 2904], ["somewhat", 2913], ["draw", 2927], ["drawn", 2927], ["draws", 2927], ["lean", 2951], ["leans", 2951], ["thorax", 2978], ["marvel", 2990], ["marveled", 2990], ["marveling", 2990], ["marvelled", 2990], ["marvelling", 2990], ["see", 3036], ["saw", 3036], ["camouflage", 3062], ["hunt", 3079], ["huntest", 3079], ["hunting", 3079], ["terrify", 3106], ["terrified", 3106], ["many", 3116], ["turn", 3122], ["turns", 3122], ["pass", 3134], ["passed", 3134], ["woman", 3184], ["womans", 3184], ["lose", 3192], ["lost", 3192], ["invite", 3208], ["invites", 3208], ["move", 3232], ["moves", 3232], ["toward", 3242], ["small", 3252], ["sofa", 3257], ["centurion", 3272], ["centurions", 3272], ["spend", 3278], ["spends", 3278], ["spendest", 3278], ["spent", 3278], ["life", 3298], ["lifes", 3298], ["lives", 3298], ["sprawl", 3307], ["sprawls", 3307], ["sprawled", 3307], ["ratty", 3324], ["threadbare", 3339], ["privacy", 3375], ["tired", 3393], ["quarter", 3412], ["quartering", 3412], ["quartered", 3412], ["church", 3426], ["churching", 3426], ["surround", 3439], ["surrounded", 3439], ["snore", 3450], ["snoring", 3450], ["soldier", 3459], ["soldiered", 3459], ["soldiers", 3459], ["guide", 3472], ["guides", 3472], ["seat", 3485], ["relate", 3497], ["relates", 3497], ["meet", 3505], ["meeted", 3505], ["come", 3523], ["came", 3523], ["pass", 3531], ["husband", 3545], ["husbanding", 3545], ["reaction", 3557], ["way", 3571], ["ways", 3571], ["give", 3607], ["gave", 3607], ["shot", 3620], ["lead", 3629], ["leaded", 3629], ["led", 3629], ["death", 3642], ["speak", 3653], ["spoken", 3653], ["speaking", 3653], ["left", 3666], ["leave", 3666], ["leaves", 3666], ["throat", 3676], ["tear", 3695], ["teared", 3695], ["tears", 3695], ["ca", 3700], ["cas", 3700], ["let", 3708], ["lets", 3708], ["go", 3711], ["goest", 3711], ["intention", 3791], ["intentions", 3791], ["everyone", 3826], ["choose", 3834], ["chooses", 3834], ["doubt", 3855], ["regret", 3867], ["regrets", 3867], ["decision", 3880], ["ever", 3900], ["everest", 3900], ["wonder", 3907], ["wonderest", 3907], ["people", 3920], ["anything", 3946], ["mary", 3954], ["marys", 3954], ["whatever", 3982], ["call", 3994], ["god", 4005], ["gods", 4005], ["remind", 4035], ["adele", 4047], ["hesitate", 4079], ["hesitates", 4079], ["study", 4090], ["studying", 4090], ["eye", 4116], ["eyed", 4116], ["eyes", 4116], ["gauge", 4130], ["gauging", 4130]]
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so perhaps i want it to be true more than i believe it must be . '' the chip translates his meaning simply , yet there comes a more literal echo in my head , as if he 's said , my home is gone from me . ithtorian is a beautiful language , full of poetry and nuance . he draws me against his side then because he will offer me comfort where he ca n't ask for it himself . because i know he grieves for longer than some species live , i curl into his side . his claws find my hair , surprisingly soothing when he draws them through in long strokes . it 's an absent caress like you 'd give a pet , but i do n't mind . `` did i ever tell you she asked me to marry her ? '' surprise rockets through me . he told me a lovely story about how they met , how she came to find the truth about him , and , eventually , why he left . but i 've not heard this . i have to ask , `` was this before or after she found out- '' `` before . '' do you want to tell me about it ? '' `` only if it does n't hurt to talk about her . '' `` remembering feels better , '' he says . `` because you knew her , too . '' i love the way vel tells stories . `` adele came to my residence for a meal , that night . and she asked , 'vel , do you love me ? ' i had heard the word before , but i had no reference for its meaning . i was new to the idea of feeling anything but pride , ambition , duty , obligation ... those are ithtorian precepts . '' `` i said yes because i could see the answer she wanted . then she said , 'marry me . ' '' `` i could not marry her without telling her the truth . and i feared honesty would cost me her companionship . '' `` so you thought about it . '' `` yes , '' he says softly . `` i wanted a tangible bond . but it did not seem fair to her . '' `` how did you get out of it without hurting her ? '' `` i said i did not believe in the custom . '' `` she was all right with that ? '' `` she never mentioned it again after that . and a few turns later , she discovered the truth . '' `` i have shared with you things that no one else knows , sirantha . '' that prompts a smile , lessening the ache in my chest . i only mean to close my eyes for a few seconds , but the next thing i know , it 's morning . we have n't slept together since we came back from the other world , through the gate , where we lost five turns . you 'd think it would be uncomfortable , but as i shift , i notice the pillow he tucked beneath my head . he 's still out , with an arm curved about me , his talons in my hair . there are weapons on the floor beside him on the other side within easy reach . if anything tripped his perimeter alarms , he 'd have been up and shooting before i could unstick my eyes . i watch him for a while , knowing loras must be wondering why the hell we spent the night at the mining station . zeeka probably told him i was looking for vel , so hopefully , he thinks we were working . which we should 've been . there 's still the matter of the shipments to sort out . maybe vel can hack a warehouse to show the cargo received , then diverted elsewhere . it 'd be funny if this phantom ore was just constantly bouncing around the planet . as i ponder the problem , feeling a little stronger than yesterday , he stirs . i ca n't remember ever watching vel wake up before . through the gate , i relied on him and vice versa , but i sprang up tense as a knife blade . there was no opportunity for stillness and intimate observation . that 's the word . `` intimate . '' i shy away from it a little , but not from vel . his eyes flicker open . i consider how many jaxes are there , greeting the day . `` i did not mean to sleep , '' he clicks . irritation colors the glottal stop at the end . `` we needed a break . i 'm not a good soldier . i hate the makeshift accommodations and the uncertainty and- '' `` precisely so . '' his irritation with himself melts into amusement . in response to that display of humor , i touch the spot just above the curve of his mandible . i know he can feel it . before , he told me about places where there are gaps in the chitin , spots adele touched because she knew he enjoyed the contact . he stills , startled . it 's not something i 've done often , and never after a night like this one . `` sirantha . '' but that 's all , just my name . i do n't know what to make of that , so i take refuge in a joke , ignoring the complexities .
|
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`` do you think we 've been reported awol ? '' vel cants his head , mandible flaring in silent laughter . how do you suppose loras punishes deserters ? '' `` by making them plant a victory garden for the villagers , '' i mutter . `` i would agree with you , but it is not the season . and we have no seeds . '' `` be thankful for small blessings . '' `` we should move , sirantha . don your armor . '' though he does n't intend it unkindly , it means the barriers need to come up between us , so we can do our jobs . i slide out from under his arm , but i must have revealed a flicker of reluctance because he catches my shoulder gently . his claws prick but do n't break the skin . `` it is not my desire , you understand , but my duty that beckons . '' `` i am glad you looked for me , sirantha . '' but it 's time to get back to business . since he 's been analyzing the shipment patterns , i hope he 's sorted out how we can screw with the nicuan nobles as well as keep them out of the village . `` have you figured out a solution to the shipment yet ? '' for obvious reasons , we do n't want the imperials to get the ore . anything we can do to disrupt their society will benefit the resistance down the line . i put on my armor while he does the same . the weapons go on last thing , with him contemplating the problem . `` i might have , but it is risky . '' `` that seems to be our mantra these days . tell me what you have in mind ? '' `` the la'hengrin simply turn the ore over to us . then leviter seeds the imperial bounce with stories about shipments being stolen . '' `` are there any drawbacks ? '' `` the possibility that additional centurions will be sent to secure the mines . '' `` they can call us in to deal with it , if need be ? '' `` should i advise loras ? '' i 've learned my lesson about going outside the chain of command . it wo n't do to piss him off if things go wrong . '' in the rebellion , there 's no risk of a trial or a court-martial , but it might be difficult to serve if loras thinks vel 's undermining his command . the la'hengrin need to know that loras is the strong one , and that it 's possible for him to lead after turns of taking orders . they need that confidence in their own self-reliance . he taps the comm , but there 's no response . the short-range frequency we use does n't extend up here . so i say , `` i 'm heading down . i 'll send him to talk to you . '' `` thank you , sirantha . '' in reply , he offers a wa , and the sight gladdens my heart . fair winds carry you from my side and back again , brown bird . instinctively i know this is both a gentle farewell and a wish for my safe return . it 's vel 's way of saying , i wish you did n't have to go . but we both have work to do . farah will be expecting me to begin the final round of treatments . soon enough , we 'll take what volunteers we can muster , give them rudimentary training , then move on to do it all over again . without march beside me and with such work ahead , it will be a long turn . internal communique from : the office of the governor to : legate flavius subject : your gross incompetence what the hell is going on ? we 're missing five shipments of ore now , and it 's getting dicey . manufacturing has slowed down . people are starting to notice the scarcity of goods . you promised me you could resolve the problem with a minimum of public attention . you said you 'd keep the media out of it . yet i 'm not noticing measurable progress . instead , from what my nephew tells me , you spend all your time chasing la'hengrin tail . if you 're unable to get the job done , sir , i 'm happy to promote someone in your stead . my centurions will gut you and put your head on a pike if you do n't solve this mess immediately . internal communique from : legate flavius to : governor sextus varro subject : my abject apologies governor , first let me apologize in the most abject fashion . the lla is responsible for hijacking the shipments , but they are gifted at finding bolt-holes in the provinces . i will root out their leaders and retrieve the empire 's lost property . you have my word on it . chapter 23 my prediction turns out to be more accurate than i expected . over the next six months , i repeat the pattern with farah until i have enough experience to work as a medical assistant . the death toll rises , but so does the number of free la'heng .
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occasionally , i catch the news on vid , usually days old , but other cells keep the imperials hopping in the capital , where most legates believe the resistance is centered . i 'd like to harry the establishment , but there 's more important work for us to do right now . the task seems daunting , utterly time-consuming , but there 's no easy fix . we ca n't send out a comm message inviting all enslaved la'heng to turn up for treatments . so it has to be this way : slow , secretive , and steady . my one consolation is that we 're gaining momentum . not every village empties out as a result of our work there , but the numbers definitely thin . for every hundred and fifty we set free , forty of them join us . loras divides them into teams and sends them to base for orders and equipment . that way , like everyone else , they know only one fact that could be revealed during capture . i suspect most la'hengrin would die rather than yield anything that could help their oppressors . at last , loras tells us our orders have changed . `` there are now enough other la'hengrin in the field to free us up for other duties . '' a ragged cheer goes up from the whole squad . none of us are happy about the lack of action . what we 've done might be necessary , but it also had tragic moments . i get the shakes now when i pick a hypo to give that last treatment because ten of my patients have been put down . loras always does it . like he told deven months ago , he takes that failure seriously . `` first , we 're going back to base for some randr , '' he goes on , pitching his voice to carry above the celebratory hoots . this time , the noise gets so loud he ca n't talk over it , so he folds his arms and waits . eventually , his pointed look sinks in , and we all shut up . `` afterward , we 're heading to the capital to wreak some havoc . '' the outcry becomes deafening , with the la'hengrin chanting some cry they heard in one of xirol 's period vids : ah-ooh , ah-ooh , ah-ooh ! ah ah ah ! ah-ooh , ah-ooh ! to me , they sound like higher primates who have lost their words , but they 've earned the right to sound that way . nobody can tell them to shut up and get back to work . well ... loras can , but that does n't mean they have to listen . `` how long before we move out ? '' we 're packing up here and heading to secure transport for our volunteers . '' `` how many are joining up ? '' his smile reveals pure pride . `` half the village . the more the story grows , the more the centurions seem disturbed by the scope of the lla 's reach , the more people believe . '' `` it 's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy . you tell them we can do it , something impressive happens , the imperials react , the ones we have n't cured yet hear about it , and they think we 're some massive planetary invasion force . '' `` we 're getting there , '' loras says . as a commander , he keeps a tight schedule . everyone is ready to go at the appointed hour , waving good-bye from the shuttle . it seems like forever since i 've slept in the same bed more than one night . shit , half the time on this assignment , i 've had a bedroll on the ground . considering how much i hate dirt , that really sucks . i 'm looking forward to a hot meal , programmed however i choose from the kitchen-mate , a hot shower , and a kiss from march . not necessarily in that order though he may demand i take care of the second thing before i get the third . my heart soars right along with the shuttle , firing as the thrusters do . i burn hot and fierce , knowing this is an interlude in a long and brutal war . but if i lose my ability to appreciate the little things , there 's no way i can bear the big shit . behind me , the rest of the guys chatter about the first thing they 're gon na do , curiosity about how much the base has changed since we left , who might be around ... a lot of questions that have no answers , really , but i share their excitement . `` how are the readings ? '' loras asks vel . `` stealth field holding , sir . no emission leakage that i can detect . '' there are n't supposed to be any ships in this area . '' vel flies is in low through the mountains . after dark , the ranges all look the same to me . even though i 've been here multiple times i doubt i 'd be able to repeat the flight pattern without exact coordinates . i skim the ground for signs of trouble , but it looks like , so far , the base has gone undetected . that 's a lucky break ; otherwise , we 'd be fighting for our lives with no place to go .
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2077], ["word", 2089], ["words", 2089], ["earn", 2111], ["earned", 2111], ["nobody", 2148], ["tell", 2157], ["well", 2201], ["wells", 2201], ["mean", 2240], ["meanest", 2240], ["listen", 2260], ["listens", 2260], ["long", 2274], ["longs", 2274], ["move", 2289], ["pack", 2313], ["packing", 2313], ["secure", 2343], ["securest", 2343], ["transport", 2353], ["volunteer", 2372], ["volunteers", 2372], ["many", 2389], ["join", 2401], ["joinest", 2401], ["joining", 2401], ["smile", 2419], ["reveal", 2427], ["reveals", 2427], ["pure", 2432], ["pured", 2432], ["pride", 2438], ["half", 2448], ["story", 2481], ["grow", 2487], ["growest", 2487], ["grows", 2487], ["centurion", 2513], ["centurions", 2513], ["seem", 2518], ["seeming", 2518], ["disturb", 2528], ["disturbed", 2528], ["scope", 2541], ["scopes", 2541], ["reach", 2561], ["people", 2579], ["kind", 2606], ["self", 2616], ["fulfil", 2627], ["fulfilling", 2627], ["prophecy", 2636], ["impressive", 2688], ["happen", 2696], ["happens", 2696], 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instead , the shuttle zooms into the lit cavern , and the door shuts behind us . it 's quiet in the hangar , missing the hum of activity that characterized the place before everyone deployed . there 's only one other skimmer present , so the facility will be really empty inside . after climbing out , i stretch my legs ; and then , without waiting for the others , i head toward the main corridor at a dead run . logically speaking , i know if they 've been holed up in here , march and sasha may be testy , but they should be safe . but i wo n't believe it until i see it with my own eyes . compartmentalization has permitted me to do my job without obsessing , but now that i 'm back- i run faster . march meets me in the hallway and grabs me around the waist . he spins me until i 'm dizzy . i wrap my arms about his neck and get the kiss i thought i might have to shower for . when i draw back , i note his pallor . the vitamin d in the bulbs ca n't compensate for pigmentation . `` it 's been a long eight months , '' he mutters against the curve between my neck and shoulder . `` and i ca n't say i care for being a military spouse . '' `` hey , it 's not too late to join up . see the world , kill some guys . '' sasha demands . turning , i spot the kid lounging behind us . he 's taller than he was last time though maybe if you were with him every day , you would n't notice . he 's going to be tall , like march , but built on lankier lines . puberty might dump a ton of heavy muscles on him , though . this place sucks . '' but he sounds grouchy , not traumatized , so that 's something . `` in some cultures , they consider a kid a man when he turns twelve . so i 'm more than old enough to enlist . '' loras has recruited la'hengrin who are thirteen and fourteen , but i keep that information to myself as march levels a warning look at me . got it , this is father-son business . i 'll keep quiet . `` we 've had this conversation , '' march says patiently . sasha flashes a roguish grin . `` i keep hoping i 'll wear you down . '' hope springs eternal . '' `` eventually , he 'll forget his original objection , '' i assure sasha with a teasing grin at march . `` he 's getting older every minute . '' march narrows his hawkish gaze on me . sasha spreads his hands , disassociating . `` she said it ... not me . '' `` i do n't notice you springing to my defense , '' march points out . the kid smirks . `` you look great ... for an old man . '' i love the cockiness . it was just starting to peek out when i left . it looks like he 's been developing the 'tude . the girls are going to love it-should he ever meet any . inside the base , that 's not likely . `` listen , i ca n't stand myself , so i bet you 'd both thank me for cleaning up . afterward , you two want to get some dinner ? '' i 'm surprised how natural that feels . i 'm not one to raise a kid , but now that he 's of an age where reason and humor work on him , it seems less terrifying and awkward . i can talk to him like he 's a person who might become a friend someday . `` sure , '' sasha says . `` it 's not like i had anything else to do . connie 's checked my lessons for the day , and i 've put in my tk hours , right , boss ? '' `` i 'll meet you in the mess in half- '' make it an hour , i hear in my head . the side of my neck tingles as if he 's kissed it , but march never moves . nodding , sasha says , `` sounds good . '' march sets his hand lightly in the small of my back , and though i ca n't feel it through my armor , my whole body reacts . chapter 24 as soon as we step into my old quarters , which march has put his stamp on in my absence , he hauls me into his arms . hunger radiates from him , and i kiss him back . long moments later , as he unfastens my armor , i back off . `` a fast shower , first , seriously . '' `` too bad it 's not bigger , '' he mutters . shower sex ? but the facilities here were n't designed for pleasure . it 's a military installation , and we had to shave credits until they bled in building it . that was part of loras 's recruitment plan , in fact . he quietly approached la'hengrin in the capital who had skills he needed and offered the cure .
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["offer", 4174], ["offered", 4174], ["cure", 4183]]
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just ... get nak*d and wait for me . '' i pull off my gear and drop it on the chair in the corner . naked , i walk into the lavatory and take the quickest shower of my life . if march were n't waiting for me-and if i were n't cognizant that we have less than an hour to meet sasha-i 'd spend longer in here . it feels like forever since i had a hot bath . skin still steamy from the hot mist , i step out , and march pounces me . sweeping me into his arms , he lowers me onto the bunk . it 's narrow , but when he pulls me on top of him , it 's big enough for two . i lean down , dusting kisses over the curve of his lower lip , his firm chin and strong jaw , then the bump of his broken nose . his lashes flutter against his cheeks as his breath catches . `` i get the feeling you missed me , '' he whispers . `` it sucks without you . '' he wraps his arms around me , nuzzling my damp skin . pleasure spills through me , bright as sunrise and equally irresistible . i feel like i ca n't get close enough to him . i 'm a miser hoarding sensations and memories because i do n't know how long loras intends us to stay-or how long it 'll be between our mission in the capital and the next time i see march . `` i hate long-distance relationships , '' i murmur into his ear . i do n't say it , but he hears because he 's always in my head , if he 's close enough to be . and he sees all my doubts and private griefs , all my hopes and unlikely expectations . there are no secrets between march and me . `` do n't , jax . '' `` i 'll do this instead , shall i ? or this ... '' by the time i finish teasing him , his whole body is taut , and his breath comes in ragged gasps . he frames my h*ps in his hands and draws me over him . i do n't need more foreplay because his pleasure , steamy hot in my head , gives me more than enough . his thoughts become random , chaotic ; memories of other times chase through my mind . march 's fantasies are all of me in various poses , but i catch a glimpse of a scene he keeps hidden away like a shameful secret . so i make it come true this time ; i do n't stay where he puts me . i slide down . he catches my shoulders . `` what are you- '' `` i 'm in charge . his eyes widen , but he does . faint color touches his strong cheekbones as i fulfill the desire he could n't articulate . he knots his fingers in the sheet , knees coming up to give me better access . with lips and fingers , i give him what he needs . there 's no shame between us . nothing he wants is wrong . `` jax , '' he groans . the words become a drumbeat in my head , and he loses control completely . to my surprise , i come when he does , and the orgasm sweeps through me like a leveling wave . as i quiver against his thigh , i realize it 's probably an adjunct of his strong psi . he hauls me up into his arms , between the cradle of his thighs , and i settle in with my head on his chest . i give a lazy grin . `` like you give me everything i want . '' `` i try , '' i say seriously . `` sometimes it 's just not possible because it conflicts with what i need . but i 'm never looking to deny you anything . '' march checks the time . `` we have twenty-two minutes . '' `` you think you can go again , old man ? '' i arch a brow , mocking him . belatedly , i realize i should n't tease him . he lost five turns while i was in the other world , and i 'm not aging like i did . `` let 's see who 's old . '' he rolls me under him , and that 's the last coherent thought i have for a while . eventually , i end up on top . `` yes , '' he growls , as i sink down . i want this to last , but because it 's been so long , it ca n't . like a summer 's day , it burns bright and hot , showering me in ephemeral heat . i move on him faster and forget to consider his pleasure . but march enjoys it when i take charge , when i use him to take what i need , because it gives him the freedom to be passive . i peak first , squeezing my eyes shut when the tremors hit . he arches up with a cry , thighs tense . afterward , he trembles beneath me , all lazy satiation . my muscles lax , i collapse in his arms and relish the stroke of his rough fingers on my spine .
|
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["private", 1405], ["grief", 1412], ["hope", 1427], ["hopes", 1427], ["unlikely", 1440], ["expectation", 1453], ["expectations", 1453], ["secret", 1476], ["secrets", 1476], ["jax", 1515], ["instead", 1545], ["shall", 1553], ["finish", 1593], ["tease", 1601], ["teasing", 1601], ["whole", 1617], ["wholes", 1617], ["body", 1622], ["bodied", 1622], ["taut", 1630], ["come", 1653], ["comes", 1653], ["gasp", 1669], ["gasps", 1669], ["frame", 1681], ["frames", 1681], ["hand", 1702], ["hands", 1702], ["draw", 1712], ["drawn", 1712], ["draws", 1712], ["need", 1740], ["needest", 1740], ["foreplay", 1754], ["give", 1807], ["gives", 1807], ["thought", 1842], ["thoughts", 1842], ["become", 1849], ["random", 1856], ["chaotic", 1866], ["time", 1892], ["times", 1892], ["chase", 1898], ["mind", 1914], ["minding", 1914], ["fantasy", 1935], ["fantasies", 1935], ["various", 1960], ["pose", 1966], ["poses", 1966], ["catch", 1980], ["catched", 1980], ["catches", 1980], ["glimpse", 1990], ["glimpses", 1990], 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["shamed", 2467], ["nothing", 2488], ["wrong", 2506], ["groan", 2530], ["groans", 2530], ["groaning", 2530], ["groanest", 2530], ["word", 2542], ["words", 2542], ["drumbeat", 2560], ["drumbeats", 2560], ["lose", 2586], ["loses", 2586], ["control", 2594], ["completely", 2605], ["surprise", 2622], ["surprised", 2622], ["orgasm", 2661], ["orgasms", 2661], ["sweep", 2668], ["sweeps", 2668], ["leveling", 2695], ["wave", 2700], ["waved", 2700], ["quiver", 2714], ["quiverest", 2714], ["thigh", 2732], ["thighs", 2732], ["realize", 2744], ["probably", 2759], ["adjunct", 2770], ["psi", 2788], ["haul", 2799], ["hauls", 2799], ["cradle", 2840], ["cradled", 2840], ["thigh", 2854], ["thighs", 2854], ["settle", 2869], ["chest", 2898], ["lazy", 2914], ["grin", 2919], ["everything", 2952], ["try", 2973], ["tryed", 2973], ["seriously", 2994], ["possible", 3033], ["conflict", 3054], ["conflicted", 3054], ["conflictest", 3054], ["conflicts", 3054], ["never", 3088], ["look", 3096], ["looking", 3096], ["deny", 3104], ["anything", 3117], ["check", 3135], ["checks", 3135], ["twenty", 3164], ["minute", 3176], ["minutes", 3176], ["think", 3194], ["thinkest", 3194], ["go", 3205], ["goest", 3205], ["old", 3217], ["man", 3221], ["mans", 3221], ["manned", 3221], ["arch", 3233], ["brow", 3240], ["mock", 3250], ["mocking", 3250], ["belatedly", 3266], ["tease", 3297], ["lose", 3311], ["lost", 3311], ["five", 3316], ["fived", 3316], ["turn", 3322], ["turns", 3322], ["world", 3353], ["age", 3374], ["aged", 3374], ["aging", 3374], ["let", 3394], ["lets", 3394], ["roll", 3426], ["rolls", 3426], ["last", 3462], ["coherent", 3471], ["thought", 3479], ["eventually", 3511], ["end", 3519], ["ends", 3519], ["endest", 3519], ["yes", 3538], ["growl", 3553], ["growls", 3553], ["sank", 3565], ["sink", 3565], ["summer", 3653], ["summering", 3653], ["day", 3660], ["burn", 3671], ["burns", 3671], ["shower", 3698], ["showered", 3698], ["showerest", 3698], ["showering", 3698], ["ephemeral", 3714], ["heat", 3719], ["heats", 3719], ["heated", 3719], ["move", 3728], ["fast", 3742], ["forget", 3753], ["forgot", 3753], ["consider", 3765], ["enjoy", 3797], ["enjoyed", 3797], ["enjoys", 3797], ["use", 3832], ["freedom", 3891], ["passive", 3905], ["peak", 3914], ["first", 3920], ["firstest", 3920], ["squeeze", 3932], ["squeezes", 3932], ["squeezing", 3932], ["shut", 3945], ["tremor", 3962], ["tremors", 3962], ["hit", 3966], ["arch", 3978], ["arches", 3978], ["cry", 3992], ["tense", 4007], ["afterward", 4019], ["tremble", 4033], ["trembles", 4033], ["beneath", 4041], ["satiation", 4065], ["muscle", 4078], ["muscles", 4078], ["lax", 4082], ["collapse", 4095], ["relish", 4118], ["stroke", 4129], ["rough", 4142], ["roughs", 4142], ["roughing", 4142], ["roughest", 4142], ["spine", 4162]]
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`` i 'd like to kiss you all over , '' i say , dragging my nails down his chest . `` but we do n't have time . '' `` that seems to be a theme with us . '' `` someday , '' i promise . i take a quick , two-minute shower to wash the sex smell off , then march follows suit . as i open the wardrobe , i notice he 's left all my clothes here , like we 're living together ... something we 've never really done . for the first time , i let myself imagine it . not on the ground , of course , but on a ship-a master suite with a big bed and plenty of storage , something sleek and fast that lets us see the universe together . this is n't the time to make plans , however . the war still has a long way to go . i ca n't think about the future until i keep my promise to loras . `` do you think he 'll know what we 've been doing ? '' `` will he say anything ? '' march grins . after considering it , i say , `` not so much . '' when i arrive in the mess , there are few people here . march follows me , scanning for sasha , then he spots him . the kid brightens a little and raises his hand to beckon us over . he 's already eating . `` i figured you two would n't come out for a day . i owe zeeka ten credits . '' i glance at march to see how he 's taking this . but he 's smiling . `` that 'll teach you not to bet on a sure thing . i would n't make dinner plans , then break them . '' changing the subject , i ask them , `` so is it weird to be the only humans here ? '' `` you 'd know , '' sasha points out . i think about my own question . and other times i forget ... until somebody reminds me . '' `` that 's about how it is here , '' march puts in . `` the la'hengrin do n't look that much different than us . '' `` high metabolism and adaptive physiology , '' i offer . `` does that mean it 's impossible for the la'hengrin to get fat ? '' sasha wonders . now that he 's brought it up , i ca n't recall seeing any who are , but so many live in abject poverty , where there 's not enough food , there 's no way to evaluate at a glance . so i shrug , not wanting to think about their plight right now . `` i 'll get the food , '' i say to march . he gives his order , and i head to the kitchen-mate to input our orders ; once it produces the meals , i take the plates to the table . as i 'm serving , vel and zeeka come in . i beckon them over . soon , all the guys from the squad arrive , and our table 's packed . xirol sits down next to sasha . `` when are they gon na spring you , kid ? '' `` you should talk to my dad . explain all the reasons i 'm needed . '' march tenses . `` you 'd be useful , '' loras says quietly . which wo n't go over well , as he 's in charge , and march knows that . so does sasha , who says , `` does this mean you 'll take me with you this time ? '' `` so what 's everybody having ? '' vel takes the cue and describes his meal , but i know he intends for the la'hengrin to recoil and rib him about how disgusting his food is . the tense moment passes . i bob my head in thanks , and he offers a discreet wa , just a fold over his plate with elbows tucked . though an argument 's been averted for now , it 's not the end of the issue . the tension will get worse . chapter 25 i 'm in the fitness room the next day when sasha corners me . from the kid 's expression , he means business . he wants to talk about the subject that march shut down last night . but i 'm not sure why he 's trying to drag me into it . maybe he thinks i have some influence over his parental unit ? but i smile in greeting as he climbs on the machine next to me . i 've already done fifty reps , but i keep going slowly , so he can bridge the subject and get it out of the way . to my surprise , he works for a little while before glancing at me . `` do you think i 'm too young to help ? '' yeah , this is a potential minefield . in fact , i do n't . i feel like once kids are old enough to have opinions , they should be allowed to have them . but i 'm not his guardian . i ca n't give permission for him to sign on with the lla in any capacity . i also refuse to lie because that would be easier for march . `` help me convince him , '' sasha says .
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["wonderest", 1856], ["wonders", 1856], ["bring", 1881], ["brought", 1881], ["recall", 1905], ["recallest", 1905], ["see", 1912], ["seeing", 1912], ["many", 1938], ["live", 1943], ["abject", 1953], ["poverty", 1961], ["enough", 1989], ["food", 1994], ["foods", 1994], ["evaluate", 2024], ["shrug", 2049], ["shrugging", 2049], ["plight", 2091], ["right", 2097], ["rightest", 2097], ["give", 2156], ["gives", 2156], ["order", 2166], ["orderest", 2166], ["head", 2179], ["kitchen", 2194], ["kitchens", 2194], ["mate", 2199], ["mated", 2199], ["input", 2208], ["order", 2219], ["orderest", 2219], ["orders", 2219], ["produce", 2238], ["produces", 2238], ["meal", 2248], ["meals", 2248], ["plate", 2268], ["plating", 2268], ["plates", 2268], ["table", 2281], ["tabled", 2281], ["tabling", 2281], ["serve", 2299], ["serving", 2299], ["vel", 2305], ["soon", 2351], ["guy", 2366], ["guys", 2366], ["squad", 2381], ["sat", 2427], ["sit", 2427], ["sits", 2427], ["next", 2437], ["gon", 2469], ["na", 2472], 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["plating", 3070], ["elbow", 3082], ["elbowing", 3082], ["elbows", 3082], ["tuck", 3089], ["tucked", 3089], ["tucking", 3089], ["though", 3098], ["argument", 3110], ["avert", 3126], ["averting", 3126], ["averted", 3126], ["end", 3154], ["ends", 3154], ["endest", 3154], ["issue", 3167], ["tension", 3181], ["bad", 3196], ["worse", 3196], ["chapter", 3206], ["fitness", 3229], ["room", 3234], ["roomed", 3234], ["corner", 3266], ["corners", 3266], ["expression", 3298], ["mean", 3309], ["meanest", 3309], ["means", 3309], ["business", 3318], ["shut", 3371], ["last", 3381], ["night", 3387], ["try", 3424], ["tryed", 3424], ["trying", 3424], ["drag", 3432], ["maybe", 3451], ["think", 3461], ["thinkest", 3461], ["thinks", 3461], ["influence", 3483], ["parental", 3501], ["unit", 3506], ["smile", 3520], ["greeting", 3532], ["climb", 3545], ["climbs", 3545], ["machine", 3560], ["fifty", 3598], ["rep", 3603], ["reps", 3603], ["go", 3622], ["goest", 3622], ["going", 3622], ["slowly", 3629], ["bridge", 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`` i talked to loras . he 's got an idea for a special forces unit . there are a few la'hengrin like my dad and me . they can do stuff , too , and loras thinks it makes sense to put us in a squad together because we could handle missions no other team can . '' i 'm not sure if you get that ... and i 'm positive that 's the doubt your dad has . he does n't think you understand the reality ... and he wants a better future for you , one that does n't involve killing people . '' sasha puffs out a breath , driving the machine with his frustration . `` so he 's putting his baggage on me ? `` life 's not fair , kid . '' i want to smack my head against the wall as soon as the words come out of my mouth . i 've officially become an old person . `` i 'm going nuts here . i feel useless , like i kept us here for nothing . i know what it 's like out there , i could help , and nobody will let me . plus ... i 'm lonely . the only person who talks to me these days is an ai . '' i 'm sure that 's not true ; what he means is , he 's feeling neglected because his uncle is often busy , and he wants to fight . being thirteen , he 's prone to exaggeration . before i can reply , he goes on , `` but i guess none of that matters because i 'm not old enough to be taken seriously . '' he slams out of the room without looking back . `` it 's not my call , '' i say aloud , but sasha is gone . with a heavy heart , i decide to broach the subject to march . he may not want to talk about it , but ignoring the subject is n't going to make it better . sasha will only get angrier , cooped up at the base as his hormones kick in . it sounds like march has n't been spending the time with sasha that he used to , or sasha would n't have made the crack about constance . whatever 's going on , i 'll end up in the middle of it . it seems like i always do , regardless of my intentions . with a faint sigh , i shower , then go in search of march . when i locate him , he 's closeted with loras , going over the information tarn and leviter have sent back to base . obviously , march is working on strategy and deployment while he 's here . he might even be helping constance coordinate individual maneuvers in the field . i ca n't back up enough to see the big picture , but i 'm sure it 's diabolical and effective . this must be what march is doing while sasha feels worthless . lessons with an ai , then practice with a power you 're never permitted to use must feel pretty pointless . march is so focused on the kid 's physical safety that he 's not thinking about his mental and emotional health . mary , i do n't want to have this conversation . as i step into the room , loras looks up with a smile . `` ah , jax . we 're almost finished here . i collect you 're here to take march away ? '' `` i do n't own him , so that 's his choice . but if you 're at a stopping point , i could use a word . '' `` farah 's commed me twice anyway . she wants to talk about ... '' at my skeptical expression , he flushes . she wants to talk . '' march seems puzzled , but he does n't ask . instead , he falls into step with me as i leave the briefing room . `` it 'd be faster if you just look . '' there 's the number one perk of a psi lover . frowning , he complies , and within a minute , he 's glaring at me . `` this is n't your concern , jax . '' `` sasha made it my business , '' i say , folding my arms . `` if you do n't stop coddling him , you 'll lose him . he 's not a baby anymore . '' `` he 's thirteen . '' `` how old were you when you killed your first man ? '' he turns , running a hand through his dark hair . `` i do n't want him to turn out like me . '' `` from where i 'm standing , that 's not a bad thing . '' i put my hand on his shoulders , feeling his tension . `` this war will go on a long time . i know you do n't want to hear it , but he 'll be grown by the time it ends , most likely . and if you pen him up without regard for how he feels , he 's going to run like hell when he gets free . you might never see him again . '' `` the idea is ridiculous , '' he snarls .
|
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`` not as much as you want him to be . '' he levels a gaze on me that 's all icy amber light . `` do me a favor , jax . stay out of my business . '' hurt spikes through me . `` i thought you were my business . '' `` sasha is n't . you walked away from any right to interfere where he 's concerned . but you do n't get to step in now and make a big , fragging , jax-style mess out of a kid i 've done a decent job with . '' that 's what he thinks ? i wish i could argue , but history shows otherwise , so i ca n't even say he 's wrong . i never seem to make anything better without screwing it up first . it 's my mo , and i 'm doing it again right now . `` then why are you with me ? '' `` why do you wait for someone like me ? especially when you already made it clear you think i 'm selfish for wanting my own life . '' `` i ca n't leave , can i ? '' shock pushes me back a step , away from him . `` i did n't make you wait five turns for me . you could 've moved on . and you would n't be stuck here . '' `` jax ... '' he seems to realize belatedly how much he 's hurt me . `` i waited because i love you . '' there 's a prickle in my mind , like sharing headspace will make it better . instead , it just shows him how bad i 'm wounded . but he ca n't wipe these feelings away-and even if he can , i do n't want him to . so i bring my walls up and force him out . i learned to do that during the morgut war , when we were partners in the cockpit , but nowhere else . the force of it drives the color from his cheeks ; i 've never done that before . i take another step backward . you waited because you like being a martyr . i 've done some bad , fragged-up things in my life . but i do not believe i deserve to be unhappy . i refuse to be with someone who 's using me like a hair coat . '' `` it 's not like that , '' he says . you act like you 're the only one who 's been lonely . i 'm waiting , too . '' `` yeah , '' he snaps . `` i 'm sure you are ... with vel around . '' `` you 're jealous of him ? '' `` he put his mark on you , jax . of course i hate it ... but then , i 'm a primitive male . obviously , i do n't get your 'special connection ' that transcends sex . '' anger radiates from him . `` you know how that makes me feel ? like you get all your emotional needs met somewhere else , and you just come to me for a good , hard- '' `` seriously ? '' `` you 've been inside my head repeatedly . you know that is n't true . '' `` all i know is that you love someone who is n't me . you 'll go anywhere with him ... but you never stay with me . '' `` it 's more accurate to say he 'll go anywhere with me . so maybe you 're jealous of that ... because you ca n't right now . '' `` while we 're clearing the air , jax , what about the colors vel wears ? tell me that 's nothing to do with you . i looked up that symbol , and it means 'grimspace ' in ithtorian . so while you were with him-and i was waiting-you gave him some kind of commitment ? that 's more than i ever got from you . i just hear bullshit about how kai said desire means more than promises . '' okay , maybe i screwed up . i should have said something to him , but when ? as i was leaving nicuan , or during one of the vid messages ? by the way , march , i gave vel my colors . it does n't mean we 're married . i love you , bye ! `` you said you accept me ... that you get me . you let me think you understood . now you 're telling me that was all a lie ? '' `` i thought i 'd lose you if i told the truth . '' `` you 'd only lose me if you forced a choice ... because love should n't be like that . '' i sigh softly . `` and i have a feeling you 're only bringing it up now because you do n't want to talk about sasha . '' `` i do n't , '' he says miserably . i go on as if he has n't spoken . `` and now i 'm not allowed to have opinions on this aspect of your life that i 'm not a part of ? whatever , march .
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i know exactly how sasha feels ... and if you keep it up , you 'll lose both of us . '' i turn then because i 'm damned if i 'm spending my limited randr fighting with him . he can go back to looking at charts with loras , or maybe he should talk to his kid . either way , i 'm done . when he dragged vel into it , he went too far . chapter 26 there 's another day of leave , at best . but i 'm not in the mood to join my squad-mates in blowing off steam . i brood , work out , and take my meals at off-hours , so i do n't have to see anyone . eventually , i need to apologize to march for interfering ; i do n't blame him for being angry . in retrospect , it 's crazy to discuss letting a kid fight . for the la'hengrin , it makes sense because it 's their world , but for march , it was the ultimate red flag , and i should 've known better . i was thinking of sasha as a fully developed person , not a minor who needs to be guided . but he made some , too , not least was misleading me about his level of understanding of our situation-and the things he said about vel ... if dina were here , she 'd tell me to get over myself already . but she 's not , so i wallow for a good long while before vel finds me . it 's the middle of the night on the surface , but i 'm not sleeping . doubtless , i 'll be sorry for this move when we ship out in the morning , but for now , i keep drinking , so long as the kitchen-mate will keep processing my requests . the shitty part is , the nanites kick in the minute i get a good buzz on . they process the alcohol that 's poisoning me and restore me to sobriety faster than i like . `` i had an ... interesting conversation with march earlier . '' i glance up as vel sits down opposite me . the mess is totally empty at this hour , so there 's ample privacy . though i do n't feel like talking to anyone , not even him , i say , `` about what ? '' `` that 's fantastic , '' i mutter . `` he asked about my intentions , sirantha . '' for a few seconds , i think the nanites have stopped working-which means i 'm normal-and drunk ... and that i ca n't have heard him right . `` he seems to be laboring under the impression that he stands in the way of our grand passion . '' by the rapid twitch of his mandible , vel is hideously amused . `` no need for violence when our passionate love has been acknowledged at last . '' `` so you suffer the agonies of the damned due to our fierce , unconsummated devotion ? '' i eye him , wondering how far he 'll take this . `` well , i 'm in the mood for revenge sex , and i might be drunk enough to do unspeakable things to you . '' `` perhaps not quite the agonies of the damned . '' he 's still wearing the ithtorian equivalent of a smirk . `` yeah , i thought that might make you backpedal . '' somehow , he musters a sober mien . i should not find so much entertainment in your interpersonal difficulties . '' `` you 're just afraid i 'll make you sleep with me . '' `` i fear no such thing , '' he replies . `` you have slept with me many times . '' not what i mean , but it 's just as well there are no witnesses . march 's head would explode . maybe he fears this bond more because it 's not about sex . i sigh and put my head on the table . this is n't the time to ponder such things . i need to stay sharp . personal issues can wait ... or they should , at least . unfortunately , people do n't preserve neatly in plastic , frozen in place until you 're ready to deal with them again . vel rests a claw lightly on my hair . `` he offered to step aside to make way for me . '' how enlightened of him . it 's not like i can choose . obviously , the males need to settle it between themselves and save me the burden of thinking . i quirk a brow . `` that i needed to talk with you first . '' here comes the mandible twitch again . this time , humor overwhelms the aggravation and chagrin . `` you knew that would drive him crazy , did n't you ? '' `` i ... suspected . '' `` are you ready to beg me to be yours alone ? '' from the flash in his side-set eyes and the way he draws back , vel looks genuinely horrified . i prop my chin on my hands and sigh . yeah , i 'm screwing with him a little , but he deserves it . his claws grow restless now that i 've put him on the spot . they click out a nervous message of apology against the tabletop .
|
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`` i do care for you , sirantha . you are ... the most important person in my life . but ... that is ... i can not - '' i let him off the hook , listing the reasons why it 's not going to happen . `` you 're not ready for a romantic relationship . you remember what it was like with adele . then you lost her . and you do n't want to feel like that again . plus , you 're still healing . '' i understand this about vel . it 's too bad march does n't . and then i realize ... he does n't know . he sees only our closeness without understanding the context . `` why do i love such an idiot ? '' `` i imagine he asks himself the same question . '' but neither of you is perfect . '' would you mind if i told him about adele ? '' it 's his story , but it will go a long way toward easing march 's mind and helping him understand that vel 's not a threat to him ... at least , not during his lifetime . it could take eighty turns before vel is ready to move on . i might be grieving myself by that point , and he 'll be there to help me through it . then there will be an endless future together , so long as my nanites are still working , and who knows what will happen that far down the road ? most days , it 's all i can do to handle the here and now . `` i do not mind if you reveal the bones , '' he answers at length . `` but some of the story , i spoke for your ears alone , sirantha . '' i 'll just tell him the basics , and that you need a friend . which i am . '' `` i have never known one dearer , '' he says . `` i should go wake him up . there wo n't be time to talk in the morning , and i do n't think he 'd get over it if we left things like this , and something happened to me . '' despite my ability to heal wounds that would end anyone else , i 'm not immortal or indestructible . the nanites ca n't grow me a new head or rebuild me if i 'm charred to ash . i can still die ; it just takes more to kill me . `` he would not . '' he runs a claw down my cheek . `` nor would i . and who knows , perhaps someday- '' `` you do n't have to make me any promises . just be there . `` i 'm sorry you got dragged into this . it 's ... '' i shake my head . `` it was ... diverting , to say the least . i have never been the seductive third in a love triangle . '' and he 's smirking again . `` it is not a role i have played before . '' `` tell me , sirantha , what is it about me that you find irresistible ? is it my gleaming chitin ? my mandible ? no , i have it . my talons drive you wild . '' `` you 're never going to let me live this down , are you ? '' it is possible , however , that in five hundred turns , neural decay will set in , and i will no longer recall how hilarious this is . '' `` you 're an evil , evil bug . '' i shoot him a dirty look as i head out . at this hour , i encounter only constance , who 's walking toward comms . she never sleeps for obvious reasons ; she just plugs in now and then to recharge . `` how 's sasha doing ? '' `` at his lessons , brilliantly . in other regards , i am concerned . '' her words match her grandmotherly facade . maybe she really does worry . `` he wants to fight . '' he 's fascinated by the children 's brigade . not that he sees himself as a child . '' `` it is not without precedent ... yet as commander march says , sasha is young . i am not qualified to render psychological analysis in this scenario . '' `` you must have an opinion , though . '' i tilt my head , inviting the truth . in your service , sirantha jax , i have learned to respect free will . you let me choose whether i wanted to be in the sphere , part of a ship , or in a physical body . you never told me i was wrong for using the resources and processes available to me to make that choice . you gave me freedom . '' she meets my gaze in a most un-ai fashion , as if she 's a real person inside those circuits and wires . `` i think it is wrong to deny sasha his own choices even if he is but a young sentient being . his mistakes should be his own . '' `` even if they prove costly ? '' `` commander march should not deny the boy out of his own fear . '' `` thanks for the opinion . i 'm on my way to talk to him now . ''
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i realize the ai ca n't make decisions as a human would ; her thought processes are alien , and they 're morally gray as applied to this particular situation . yet i think it pleased her that i asked . she taps a few panels in the comm suite , and informs me , `` the commander is watching vids in his quarters . '' `` you can tell that ? '' `` yes , from the energy consumption . '' i point out , `` he might 've fallen asleep with the console playing . '' `` a possibility . but i do n't imagine you 'll let that dissuade you . '' this ca n't wait . '' in wartime , there 's no guarantee of tomorrow , so it 's best not to leave things unsaid . chapter 27 he 's not asleep , but despite what i told constance , i did n't think he would be . march answers the door , looking haggard . `` i was n't sure if i 'd see you before you left . '' `` there are some things we need to talk about . '' he steps back , inviting me into my old quarters with a gesture . `` i need to tell you a story . '' `` there 's no better time . '' in as few words as possible , i explain that vel had a human lover-that they were happy together on gehenna for many turns , until she made him leave her so he would n't have to watch her age . then i tell march how she died , not so long ago , and that ithtorians mourn for a long time . when i come to the end of my recitation , i ask , `` do you understand why i 'm telling you this ? '' `` because she remains at the center of his heart ... and i 'm jealous for nothing . '' `` i gather he told you that we talked ? '' a hot flush steals over his cheeks , making him look feverish , as well as weary and heartsick . `` i should n't have interfered like that . i went a little crazy or something . i could only see that i 'm not making you happy . we fight a lot . i thought maybe- '' `` see , that 's your mistake ... thinking you need to make me happy . i 'm in charge of my own moods . yes , we 're fighting more , but it 's because we 're talking . there are no secrets with you in my head , but before now , you have n't told me how you feel about what you see there . and i do n't have your facility at poking around in people 's minds . that said , i have n't been good about sharing , either . it 's something we both need to work on . '' i take a breath before continuing , `` i do apologize for interfering about sasha . i was n't thinking like a parent at the time ... because i 'm not one , so i get why you went ballistic . '' he nods , stepping toward me as if he 's afraid of being rebuffed . there 's no prickle in my brain . he wo n't intrude since i forced him out . `` i have a bad habit of only bringing things up when i 'm already mad about something else . so i put my fears in the worst possible way , and i hurt you . '' `` words are weapons , '' i say softly . `` i 'm so sorry for what i said . i do n't think you break everything you touch . '' `` i already told sasha , but you should hear it as well . if his feelings on joining the resistance have n't changed in a turn or two , then i wo n't stand in his way . '' `` is he content with that ? '' it 's a huge step for march , hating the idea as he does , fearing for his nephew 's safety . i know he wanted a future devoid of violence for sasha ; he does n't want the kid going down his road . `` he thinks it 's a fair compromise . '' `` and meanwhile , you 'll train him ? loras has some plan for a special forces unit . maybe you can- '' `` i already volunteered to put it together . '' pleasure but not surprise rolls through me . he always wants to be in the vanguard , but life does n't always permit our dreams to come true . so we cling to them in tatters and threads , until the colors fade beyond all recognition . `` i wish you were coming with me , '' i say softly . his smile layers exhaustion , tension , and desire . you 've no idea how weary i am of being left behind . '' `` it is n't always me , leaving ... or it has n't been . '' i figure i might as well get it all out in the open . `` are you talking about when i stayed to fight on lachion ? '' `` and then when you went to look for sasha while i sat in prison . '' he flinches as if i 've stabbed him . `` i thought you understood . ''
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i recall speaking those precise words to him about why i could n't stay on nicu tertius and play at motherhood . by his pallor , he recalls it , too . this exchange is less raw , less heated , but no less candid . march squares his shoulders . `` i did , but that does n't take away the sting . `` i hurt you , '' he says , as if this is a revelation . `` yeah , but that 's fair . i 've been breaking your heart since the day you met me . '' march sits down heavily on the bunk . `` it 's why you do n't trust me . all this time , i 've told myself that 's just the way you are ... you do n't lean on people . but you do rely on vel ... and that 's why i envy him so much . '' `` i thought i explained- '' he goes on as if i have n't spoken , `` you just do n't lean when you 're unsure . '' `` but you doubt that you can depend on me . because at the start of things , i put duty first . i chose lachion ... and then my sister 's child . '' `` i did n't ask you to put me ahead of honor or family obligation . '' `` but i have to , do n't i ? if i want your trust , that 's how it has to be . '' right now , we have love , but we do n't have faith . one of us is always keeping an eye on the horizon . '' `` because i left you , when the time came , you chose not to stay with me . '' even if you had been perfectly steadfast , i would n't have stayed on nicu tertius . that 's not the life for me . '' `` i was steadfast , '' he protests . `` waiting is n't the same as being there , '' i bite out . for the first time , the bitterness boils out ; there 's no stemming it . `` you could have hired someone to start the search for sasha . stayed for my trial . once it was over , we could 've gone together . you chose to leave me while i was locked up . `` i said all the right things , but the truth is , i blame you . once again , you chose somebody else over me . it was my fault i wound up there , i get it ... and you wanted to disassociate if the worst came to pass- '' `` that 's not true . i did n't lie when i said i could n't bear it , jax . the whole time , i remembered how it was when i thought you were dead . remember how i wired farwan headquarters to blow ? '' i nod , eyes fixed on his taut features . `` that 's how it was . i had the monster on a thin chain on new terra . the longer i stayed , the more it strained . i stopped caring about due process . i only cared that somebody was keeping you from me , and i wanted to kill them all . '' he takes a deep , shuddering breath , and the beast gazes out from his eyes . `` if i 'd stayed , i would have . '' `` i thought mair cured you . '' he laughs , and it 's a wild , hopeless sound . `` she put barriers in place . she roused my empathy . but there is no cure for what i was , jax . i fell into the pit again , after lachion , after so much death and darkness . it 's always , always in me . i thought you sensed it . thought that was the reason you never committed to me-because you recognize the bomb in my head . '' `` but sasha ... raising him has changed you . '' `` i 've got more rope for the creature now to keep it bound , more boxes and chains to force it down . `` why did you stay on lachion ? '' i ask then . `` was it as simple as you claimed ? you owed mair a debt for saving you ? '' he forces out a shaky breath , and i see that his fingers , when he runs them through his disheveled hair , are unsteady . `` i 'd like to say yes , unequivocally . but now , viewed through the lens of hindsight , i think it was partly that and partly fear . i was afraid you were dying ... and you turned aside so easily . you shut me out . '' `` so that 's where it started , '' i whisper . the problems between us began with me . i feared being helpless , dependent on him-needing him too much . here we are , so many turns later , afraid of needing each other at all . my skittish nature broke so many things , and i did n't even know it at the time . but i 'd just lost a lover , and i was afraid of taking another wound . that came from fear and insecurity . i suspect ... we fell in love too soon . ''
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i do n't say what he 's doubtless thinking-that i was n't over kai completely-and our timing sucks . he laces his hands together . i can tell it 's an effort for march to stay out of my head , not to check what 's on my mind . it 's hard for him not to reach for me . i 'd feel better in his arms , but physical contact ca n't solve our underlying problems . without communication , our relationship will become what he fears it already has-just two compatible sexual partners who know how to push each other 's buttons . i should 've shown i 'd be there for you , no matter what . instead , your rejection on emry was in my head when i decided to stay on lachion . '' i 've aired my grievances . beyond that , there 's no benefit in dissecting past mistakes . our course has carried us to this point . it only remains to be seen where we go from here . `` is there anything left between us ? '' `` anything but sex ? you love someone else now . `` i already told you- '' `` vel does n't want to be the center of your world . yet that does n't change how you feel about him . '' but he 's not my lover . '' `` do you wish he was ? '' it should be a ridiculous question , but with the gravity of his face , i ca n't laugh . march , if there were nothing between us , i would n't hurt so much . i would n't cry over you or wonder how it 's gone so wrong . '' `` this is the worst possible time with the war and all , but ... can we start over ? i ca n't change the choices i 've made- '' `` neither can i . '' `` but we can decide to let the past go . i do n't know if it 's that easy . how do you forget the wounds that burn in your heart like hot coals ? i do n't have a choice , though . i agree to wipe the slate clean , or it ends between us , here and now . can i bear it ? chapter 28 the answer , when it comes to me , offers immense comfort . i 'm not the woman who loves the one she 's with . i 'm also not one who gives up because things are n't perfect . you fight for what you love . you commit to making the relationship better . i do n't believe in the perfect match . there 's the one you love enough to stay with ; there 's the one who puts up with your shit . it 's not romantic in the standard sense , but to me , it feels better . march moves then . he brings me into his arms as if i 'm made of crystal . in my hair , he whispers , `` i do n't deserve a fresh start , but i 'm glad you 're giving me one . i wo n't let you down , jax . this time , i 'll stay 'til the end . '' `` i do n't either , '' i mumble . `` i 'm a screwup . fortunately , life is arranged so that people do n't get what they deserve . '' he laughs shakily , crowning my temple with kisses . `` do you have any other grievances ? i just have a request . '' i hold my breath , afraid it will be difficult or complicated , especially with me leaving at dawn . relief flickers to life like a gentle flame . no more withholding . will you do the same ? '' we spend the remainder of the night talking . mad as it sounds , it all feels brand-new again even though he is familiar as my own face . he does n't suggest making love , and that 's just as well . odd as it might sound , i fear that sex would destroy this fragile rapport . when i leave him , i am superstitiously afraid this will be the last time . because there 's none of the raw anguish , just a fearful , nascent hope for the future . and hope is a butterfly , so easily crushed by careless hands . yet duty calls . exhausted from twenty hours of argument-and thinking about the conflict-i hastily shower and gather my things . the rest of my unit is already waiting in the hangar . to my surprise , sasha 's there , too . he salutes loras and hesitates when he spots me . i ask , startled . i know you talked to my dad . pissed him off , too . i guess you would n't have done that if you did n't care about me a little . '' i 'm surprised at how true that is . he 's march 's kid , not mine , but now that he 's older , he 's grown on me . `` i suspect i was wrong to intervene , but i went to bat for you . '' he sees me as a baby , but i 'm not . '' `` i do n't think it 's that so much as he wants to protect you . ''
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3630], ["surprise", 3647], ["surprised", 3647], ["sasha", 3655], ["salute", 3683], ["salutes", 3683], ["hesitate", 3703], ["hesitates", 3703], ["spot", 3717], ["spots", 3717], ["ask", 3728], ["talk", 3759], ["talked", 3759], ["dad", 3769], ["piss", 3778], ["pissest", 3778], ["pissed", 3778], ["guess", 3802], ["care", 3851], ["little", 3869], ["surprise", 3889], ["surprised", 3889], ["true", 3901], ["kid", 3930], ["mine", 3941], ["old", 3968], ["grow", 3982], ["growest", 3982], ["grown", 3982], ["suspect", 4003], ["intervene", 4028], ["go", 4041], ["goest", 4041], ["went", 4041], ["bat", 4048], ["see", 4069], ["sees", 4069], ["baby", 4082], ["think", 4120], ["thinkest", 4120], ["protect", 4162], ["protectest", 4162]]
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sasha narrows puzzled blue-green eyes . `` but he ca n't . `` sirantha ! '' that 's vel , telling me politely that everyone is waiting . `` let 's have the hug , kid . '' he delivers it awkwardly , as if he does n't know whether to hug me like a girl or with the backslapping camaraderie of a male he wants to impress . in the end , i get a little of both , then i step away . this time i do n't look back as i vault into the shuttle . the others are already inside ; they look rested and ready to wreak havoc . `` is it safe for us to head for the capital ? '' i ask loras , as vel powers up . `` but we 're doing it anyway . '' xirol laughs . i hope we see some action . '' for me , the word `` action '' brings back inescapable memories of venice minor . of the bombardment and doc 's death . i hold those moments close ; they remind me of mistakes i do n't mean to make again . `` we will , '' loras says . eller breaks his long silence to say , `` be careful , people . things will get worse before they get better . '' even xirol ca n't make a joke out of that . i nod to show i take his warning to heart . in truth , the same dread burns in my bones , as if every last bridge has been burned . from this point on , there 's no way out but through . then again , that 's the only path i 've ever had . it 's still dark , of course , when we slip out of the base . there are no other ships up here , and night cloaks our movement . we wo n't put down in the city proper . the shuttle has to be hidden where we can reach it yet beyond the range of our enemies . that means a precise set of calculations . `` how is the war shaping up ? '' loras shakes his head , visible from the front only because i 've half shifted in my seat . `` in small pockets of resistance , just enough to keep them unsettled . the imperials are looking for conspirators in the palace at the moment . '' `` courtesy of leviter and tarn ? '' `` can they help us at all in the city ? '' loras angles his head , donning his commander 's air . `` should n't you wait until you learn your assignment ? '' `` as long as it 's not more treatments , '' farah mutters . i 'm glad she said it , not me . but it 's so true . i 'm tired of playing that role . `` no , we 've moved into the next phase of the plan , '' loras replies . low-key whooping fills the shuttle , and loras does n't shush us . the conversation becomes general , though i take some ribbing from my squad-mates . xirol nudges me . `` you made yourself scarce , jax . `` or should we ask who ? '' a joke from eller ? the world must be ending . i pause for best comic effect . `` you know who i did . '' more hoots follow , but they 're good-natured . i add , `` i do n't mind you speculating about my sex life . at least i have one . '' zeeka laughs the loudest , but i detect a note of false cheer . maybe he 's realized he 'll never find a mate out on the star roads since his people are all on marakeq . in that , he 's like vel . but then , vel found somebody to love him on gehenna ; two , if you count me-and i do . so there might be a woman who does n't mind if z 's different . `` eller , she 's talking to you , '' xirol cracks . the silent la'hengrin laughs . `` still waters and all that . '' `` we 're nearly to the drop point , '' vel interjects . loras scrutinizes the landing site , an estate that 's fallen into disrepair upon the death of the legate who owned it . his heirs are all off world , and the man promoted to the position does n't receive personally owned property as part of the promotion . which means nobody ever comes around here . there 's no staff , no witnesses , but there 's always the risk of being detected on imperial scans . drop to single thruster and kill it before we hit the ground . '' vel complies even as he objects , `` that will interfere with the stabilizers . '' `` i have faith in you , ithtorian . '' loras has steel in his voice . he expects the impossible , and people deliver it . me , among them . the shuttle spins a little , but vel lands in accordance with loras 's requirements . tonight , it 's dark and still , no moon , clouds obscuring the stars .
|
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it 's ominously quiet for a modern world . no ships overhead . no lights in the countryside to reveal civilization . apart from the major cities , the invading `` protectors '' have broken la'hengrin society down into pockets of isolated slave camps they call villages . it has been so long that most of them ca n't remember what it 's like to have power and running water . they 've been forced into medieval conditions without adequate housing or medical care , and they could n't even fight the changes that came down , law after law , for their own `` protection , '' preventing them from striking back . grimly , i swallow my disgust and outrage . i 'm doing what i can to make it right . that 's all anyone can do . vel guides the shuttle into an outbuilding , where we 'll hide it until further notice . from this point , our cell devotes itself to dismantling the infrastructure in the capital . from what i heard while on leave , it 's already unsteady without an influx of reinforcements and supplies from nicu tertius . the imperials stationed here are n't the best of the best , bright-eyed and full of ambition . so without backup , they do n't know what the hell to make of our little rebellion ; they also have no idea how big it will eventually become . vel is telling loras , `` it is not invisible . a dedicated search will- '' `` erase all the destinations in the nav com , '' loras interrupts . `` if they find the shuttle , i do n't want them uncovering any clue where we 've been . `` assuredly , '' vel replies . `` the rest of you , grab your gear and huddle up . i have some last-minute instructions . '' i obey ; my pack is light compared to what i carried on conglomerate missions . but we had better gear then . better odds , too , despite the bullshit i feed myself on a regular basis . i 'm sure the others do the same . well , except for zeeka . he still thinks the good guys always win ; it comes from getting most of his culture from old vids . `` we go in on foot . from there , we 'll be splitting into four teams . '' `` two , two , three , three ? '' she 's questioning how we 'll divide up . i do n't blame her for being nervous . we 've worked together for a while ; even if it was n't thrilling , we 're used to each other . it 'll be different inside the city , all of us possessing separate missions . `` that 's correct , '' loras answers . `` will you give us the breakdown now ? '' zeeka asks . loras sighs . `` if it will relieve your minds . farah , you 're with me . '' that announcement draws some ribbing , but the others shut up when farah crosses her arms . sometimes , she 's scary . loras continues , `` zeeka and rikir . vel , jax , and xirol . bannie , eller , and timmon . i 'll give your individual assignments as we march . '' it 's forty klicks to the city . no telling what we 'll run into between here and there . chapter 29 the march should take seven hours , tops , but things get interesting ten klicks in . loras signals , and i scramble off the road . i crouch behind a wild , thorny hedge , waiting for whatever he heard . the others have their heads cocked , listening ; and then comes the rumble of an engine . `` imperial , '' rikir whispers . xirol nods . by the sound of the vehicle , it 's an aircar , not a shuttle , and it 's zooming at a pretty low altitude , skimming what used to be roads , long before the nicuan came . now , they do n't maintain them , so they 're just dark , frayed ribbons threading through a green wilderness . some la'hengrin exist in remote poverty their whole lives , fearing their protector will sell their shinai-bond . `` it 's probably a legate , '' loras says . `` on the way to his country estate . they 're the only ones who own property in this region . '' like the dead one whose place we 're using to hide the shuttle . `` if we can stop the vehicle , we can use him . '' zeeka tilts his head , tracking the lights . xirol asks . z seems a little nervous , but he outlines his plan : `` remember how you meant to send vel in as a centurion to gather intel on imperial installations ? '' i nod , along with everyone else . encouraged , z goes on , `` it seems like a legate would be much more valuable , and this is a prime opportunity to snatch him for the infiltration . '' holy shit , he can supplant this legate in the capital . this is so much better than the original plan .
|
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["questioning", 2106], ["divide", 2124], ["blame", 2144], ["blamest", 2144], ["nervous", 2166], ["work", 2182], ["wrought", 2182], ["worked", 2182], ["together", 2191], ["thrill", 2234], ["thrilling", 2234], ["use", 2248], ["used", 2248], ["different", 2284], ["inside", 2291], ["city", 2300], ["possess", 2323], ["possesses", 2323], ["possessing", 2323], ["separate", 2332], ["correct", 2362], ["answer", 2381], ["answeres", 2381], ["answerest", 2381], ["answers", 2381], ["give", 2400], ["breakdown", 2417], ["breakdowns", 2417], ["ask", 2437], ["asks", 2437], ["sigh", 2451], ["sighest", 2451], ["sighs", 2451], ["relieve", 2475], ["relieved", 2475], ["mind", 2486], ["minding", 2486], ["minds", 2486], ["announcement", 2535], ["draw", 2541], ["drawn", 2541], ["draws", 2541], ["ribbing", 2554], ["shut", 2576], ["cross", 2598], ["crossing", 2598], ["arm", 2607], ["arms", 2607], ["scary", 2634], ["continue", 2652], ["continues", 2652], ["jax", 2685], ["individual", 2756], ["assignment", 2768], ["assignments", 2768], ["march", 2780], ["marching", 2780], ["forty", 2797], ["klick", 2804], ["klicks", 2804], ["run", 2845], ["chapter", 2883], ["take", 2908], ["seven", 2914], ["hour", 2920], ["hours", 2920], ["top", 2927], ["tops", 2927], ["thing", 2940], ["things", 2940], ["get", 2944], ["interesting", 2956], ["ten", 2960], ["signal", 2986], ["signals", 2986], ["scramble", 3003], ["road", 3016], ["crouch", 3027], ["behind", 3034], ["wild", 3041], ["wildest", 3041], ["thorny", 3050], ["hedge", 3056], ["hedging", 3056], ["wait", 3066], ["waitest", 3066], ["waiting", 3066], ["whatever", 3079], ["head", 3118], ["heads", 3118], ["cock", 3125], ["cockest", 3125], ["cocked", 3125], ["listen", 3137], ["listens", 3137], ["listening", 3137], ["rumble", 3165], ["rumbles", 3165], ["engine", 3178], ["imperial", 3192], ["nod", 3225], ["nods", 3225], ["sound", 3240], ["vehicle", 3255], ["vehicled", 3255], ["aircar", 3273], ["zoom", 3309], ["zoomed", 3309], ["pretty", 3321], ["prettiest", 3321], ["low", 3325], ["lowed", 3325], ["altitude", 3334], ["skim", 3345], ["skimming", 3345], ["road", 3367], ["roads", 3367], ["maintain", 3426], ["maintains", 3426], ["maintainest", 3426], ["dark", 3455], ["ribbon", 3472], ["ribbons", 3472], ["thread", 3482], ["threading", 3482], ["green", 3498], ["greens", 3498], ["wilderness", 3509], ["exist", 3533], ["existest", 3533], ["remote", 3543], ["remoted", 3543], ["poverty", 3551], ["whole", 3563], ["wholes", 3563], ["life", 3569], ["lifes", 3569], ["lives", 3569], ["fear", 3579], ["fearest", 3579], ["fearing", 3579], ["protector", 3595], ["sell", 3605], ["sells", 3605], ["shinai", 3618], ["bond", 3623], ["probably", 3643], ["legate", 3652], ["say", 3668], ["sayest", 3668], ["says", 3668], ["way", 3684], ["ways", 3684], ["country", 3699], ["estate", 3706], ["property", 3748], ["region", 3763], ["dead", 3782], ["whose", 3792], ["place", 3798], ["use", 3811], ["using", 3811], ["stop", 3851], ["use", 3876], ["tilt", 3897], ["tilting", 3897], ["tilts", 3897], ["head", 3906], ["track", 3917], ["z", 3945], ["zest", 3945], ["seem", 3951], ["seeming", 3951], ["seems", 3951], ["outline", 3986], ["outlines", 3986], ["plan", 3995], ["mean", 4023], ["meanest", 4023], ["meant", 4023], ["send", 4031], ["centurion", 4053], ["gather", 4063], ["gatherest", 4063], ["intel", 4069], ["installation", 4095], ["nod", 4106], ["along", 4114], ["everyone", 4128], ["else", 4133], ["encourage", 4146], ["encouraged", 4146], ["go", 4155], ["goest", 4155], ["goes", 4155], ["much", 4200], ["valuable", 4214], ["prime", 4236], ["primed", 4236], ["priming", 4236], ["opportunity", 4248], ["snatch", 4258], ["snatches", 4258], ["infiltration", 4283], ["holy", 4293], ["shit", 4298], ["supplant", 4316], ["supplanted", 4316], ["supplanting", 4316], ["original", 4386]]
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it will be risky , certainly , but the rewards could be immeasurable . he turns to vel . `` with sufficient time for study . '' `` i 'll get them to stop , '' farah says . she does n't look at loras . instead , she drops her pack and strips down to her black tank top and matching panties . the la'hengrin males freeze ; they ca n't stop staring at her . loras growls low in his throat , but she does n't turn toward him . he lunges at her , but rikir catches his arms . `` let her work , man . '' i hear his teeth grinding as she pushes through the bushes . the thorns tear at her skin , so her distress will be real when the aircar lights skim over her . the blood , too , is real . it 's hard to get my breath as she slumps onto her knees , beautiful even in misery . overhead , the purr of the engine rumbles louder , closer , until i ca n't hear anything but that sound . as i watch in disbelief , the aircar cruises by . i did n't think anyone could resist farah . beside me , xirol mutters , `` i 'd have bet fifty credits against that . '' `` me too , '' rikir replies . loras snarls , `` shut it , both of you . '' then the lights overhead swerve , spiking back in our direction . the aircar hovers , yellow beams skimming the ground all around . the constant uncertainty has taught them to be wary , if nothing else . it 's smart . `` be still , '' vel whispers . `` beautiful girl alone in the wilderness ... '' eller says . `` of course they think it 's a trap . '' loras gestures for silence . `` we have a minute , maybe less , to take that aircar . i need you to flank quick and quiet . farah will buy us that much time . '' `` yes , sir , '' i say , along with everyone else . i check my weapons . he wants a silent kill . aircars are n't big enough to hold a whole squad of soldiers . the aircar 's passengers apparently decide there 's no trouble on the ground , just a helpless la'hengrin female . this must seem like a gift from the gods because slaves this beautiful ordinarily cost a fortune . the legate probably imagines her shinai has been killed in one of the raids , leaving her helpless . they do n't wonder why the resistance abandoned her ... because that 's the kind of thing the centurions would do without a second thought . the car whines as it lands . then a falsely commiserating voice asks , `` are you hurt ? '' `` a little , '' farah breathes . though her back is turned , i can imagine her tremulous look . i count four men , one legate , three centurions , and i glance at loras for the order . he gives it in a curt hand gesture , his face white and livid in the moonlight . as i break cover , i understand why . the legate has his hands on farah-and if i had any doubts about her relationship with loras , they 've been put to rest . knife drawn , i move in smoothly along with vel , timmon , and xirol . for all his levity , he 's a skilled killer . vel and i , odd as it sounds , are veterans-and timmon , well , he does n't like seeing bastards touch his sister . timmon kills the legate with a jab to the kidney ; no armor blocks his blade . it enters cleanly , and as the imperial falls back , he slices his throat . the rest of us work as efficiently . xirol goes for a clean break , twisting the centurion 's head to the side whereas vel crushes the larynx with his talons , then finishes the job . i take my foe with an initial stun to the stellate ganglia . quick downward strike with the handle of my knife , and i follow the stun with a vertical stab into the subclavian artery . five seconds later , he 's on the ground , dead . it should bother me how good i am at this . before , i could say with sincerity that i was just a jumper . farah pushes to her feet , smiling . does someone have my clothes ? '' sometimes i think she 's as much loras 's second-in-command as i am . but i 'm not interested in debating that at the moment . after timmon hands them to her , she dresses quickly . it 's cold enough that i can see my breath , so she must be freezing . the clouds threaten rain ; we 're far enough south , away from the mountains , that precipitation falls in drops rather than flurries . `` get the centurions off the road , '' loras orders .
|
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["thinkest", 942], ["anyone", 949], ["resist", 962], ["resistest", 962], ["beside", 977], ["mutter", 996], ["muttering", 996], ["mutterest", 996], ["mutters", 996], ["bet", 1015], ["fifty", 1021], ["credit", 1029], ["credits", 1029], ["reply", 1076], ["shut", 1101], ["swerve", 1155], ["spike", 1165], ["spiking", 1165], ["back", 1170], ["direction", 1187], ["hover", 1207], ["hovers", 1207], ["yellow", 1216], ["beam", 1222], ["beams", 1222], ["skim", 1231], ["skimming", 1231], ["ground", 1242], ["around", 1253], ["constant", 1268], ["uncertainty", 1280], ["teach", 1291], ["taught", 1291], ["wary", 1307], ["nothing", 1320], ["else", 1325], ["smart", 1339], ["still", 1353], ["whisper", 1371], ["whispers", 1371], ["girl", 1391], ["alone", 1397], ["wilderness", 1415], ["course", 1448], ["trap", 1472], ["gesture", 1492], ["gestures", 1492], ["silence", 1504], ["minute", 1526], ["maybe", 1534], ["less", 1539], ["take", 1549], ["need", 1570], ["needest", 1570], ["flank", 1583], ["quick", 1589], ["quiet", 1599], ["buy", 1616], ["buyed", 1616], ["much", 1629], ["yes", 1646], ["sir", 1652], ["sirs", 1652], ["say", 1663], ["sayest", 1663], ["along", 1671], ["everyone", 1685], ["check", 1700], ["weapon", 1711], ["weapons", 1711], ["silent", 1731], ["kill", 1736], ["aircar", 1746], ["big", 1758], ["bigs", 1758], ["enough", 1765], ["hold", 1773], ["whole", 1781], ["wholes", 1781], ["squad", 1787], ["soldier", 1799], ["soldiered", 1799], ["soldiers", 1799], ["passenger", 1826], ["passengers", 1826], ["apparently", 1837], ["decide", 1844], ["trouble", 1864], ["troubling", 1864], ["helpless", 1896], ["female", 1914], ["must", 1926], ["musts", 1926], ["seem", 1931], ["seeming", 1931], ["like", 1936], ["gift", 1943], ["god", 1957], ["gods", 1957], ["slave", 1972], ["slaves", 1972], ["ordinarily", 1998], ["cost", 2003], ["fortune", 2013], ["legate", 2026], ["probably", 2035], ["imagine", 2044], ["shinai", 2055], ["kill", 2071], ["killed", 2071], ["raid", 2091], ["left", 2101], ["leave", 2101], ["leaving", 2101], ["wonder", 2135], ["wonderest", 2135], ["resistance", 2154], ["abandon", 2164], ["abandoned", 2164], ["kind", 2197], ["thing", 2206], ["centurion", 2221], ["centurions", 2221], ["without", 2238], ["second", 2247], ["seconded", 2247], ["thought", 2255], ["car", 2265], ["whine", 2272], ["whines", 2272], ["land", 2284], ["lands", 2284], ["falsely", 2301], ["commiserate", 2315], ["commiserating", 2315], ["voice", 2321], ["ask", 2326], ["asks", 2326], ["hurt", 2344], ["hurts", 2344], ["hurting", 2344], ["little", 2361], ["breathes", 2381], ["though", 2390], ["turn", 2409], ["turned", 2409], ["imagine", 2425], ["tremulous", 2439], ["count", 2454], ["countest", 2454], ["four", 2459], ["man", 2463], ["mans", 2463], ["manned", 2463], ["men", 2463], ["three", 2484], ["glance", 2510], ["order", 2533], ["orderest", 2533], ["give", 2544], ["gives", 2544], ["curt", 2557], ["hand", 2562], ["gesture", 2570], ["face", 2581], ["white", 2587], ["livid", 2597], ["moonlight", 2614], ["moonlights", 2614], ["moonlighted", 2614], ["break", 2627], ["broke", 2627], ["cover", 2633], ["understand", 2648], ["understanded", 2648], ["hand", 2679], ["hands", 2679], ["doubt", 2712], ["doubts", 2712], ["relationship", 2735], ["lora", 2746], ["put", 2766], ["rest", 2774], ["knife", 2782], ["knifes", 2782], ["move", 2797], ["smoothly", 2809], ["levity", 2866], ["skilled", 2884], ["killers", 2891], ["odd", 2909], ["sound", 2922], ["sounds", 2922], ["veteran", 2937], ["veterans", 2937], ["well", 2955], ["wells", 2955], ["see", 2981], ["seeing", 2981], ["bastard", 2990], ["bastards", 2990], ["touch", 2996], ["touching", 2996], ["sister", 3007], ["kill", 3022], ["kills", 3022], ["jab", 3044], ["jabs", 3044], ["kidney", 3058], ["kidneys", 3058], ["armor", 3069], ["armored", 3069], ["armoring", 3069], ["block", 3076], ["blocks", 3076], ["blade", 3086], ["enter", 3098], ["enters", 3098], ["cleanly", 3106], ["imperial", 3128], ["fall", 3134], ["falls", 3134], ["slice", 3151], ["slices", 3151], ["efficiently", 3199], ["go", 3212], ["goest", 3212], ["goes", 3212], ["clean", 3224], ["cleans", 3224], ["twist", 3241], ["twisted", 3241], ["twisting", 3241], ["centurion", 3255], ["head", 3263], ["side", 3275], ["sidest", 3275], ["whereas", 3283], ["crush", 3295], ["crushest", 3295], ["crushes", 3295], ["larynx", 3306], ["larynxes", 3306], ["talon", 3322], ["talons", 3322], ["finish", 3338], ["finishes", 3338], ["job", 3346], ["jobbing", 3346], ["foe", 3362], ["initial", 3378], ["stun", 3383], ["stuns", 3383], ["stunned", 3383], ["stellate", 3399], ["stellated", 3399], ["downward", 3424], ["downwards", 3424], ["strike", 3431], ["handle", 3447], ["follow", 3474], ["vertical", 3499], ["stab", 3504], ["stabs", 3504], ["subclavian", 3524], ["artery", 3531], ["five", 3538], ["fived", 3538], ["second", 3546], ["seconded", 3546], ["seconds", 3546], ["later", 3552], ["dead", 3581], ["bother", 3600], ["bothers", 3600], ["bothering", 3600], ["good", 3612], ["sincerity", 3663], ["jumper", 3688], ["foot", 3715], ["feet", 3715], ["smile", 3725], ["smiling", 3725], ["clad", 3756], ["clothe", 3756], ["clothes", 3756], ["command", 3821], ["interested", 3855], ["debate", 3867], ["debating", 3867], ["moment", 3886], ["dress", 3933], ["dressest", 3933], ["dresses", 3933], ["quickly", 3941], ["cold", 3954], ["see", 3976], ["froze", 4012], ["freeze", 4012], ["frozen", 4012], ["freezing", 4012], ["cloud", 4025], ["clouded", 4025], ["clouds", 4025], ["threaten", 4034], ["rain", 4039], ["far", 4052], ["south", 4065], ["away", 4072], ["mountain", 4091], ["mountains", 4091], ["precipitation", 4112], ["rather", 4134], ["flurry", 4148], ["flurried", 4148], ["flurries", 4148], ["road", 4185], ["order", 4203], ["orderest", 4203], ["orders", 4203]]
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nobody drives on them , but there 's a small chance another aircar could spot them . best to shove the bodies into the thornbushes and leave them for the animals , as we did in the first village . xirol , rikir , and eller get busy while loras studies the vehicle . `` this is n't going to work , '' bannie says . `` it wo n't hold all of us . '' farah nods . `` we might cram everyone inside , but there 's no way the engine has enough lift to carry everyone . '' `` what 's the new plan ? '' timmon starts to grab the legate , but loras throws up a hand . `` no , he comes with us so vel can replicate his features . '' i assess the aircar , then say , `` it 'll carry six , tops . five if you 're taking the corpse . '' loras makes a swift command decision . `` we 'll rendezvous at the legate 's country estate . there may be resistance , but my team can handle it . '' `` there probably wo n't be many centurions , '' zeeka says . he 's tapping on his handheld , using the aircar as a wireless router to piggyback connection to imperial databases . hopefully , they wo n't be able to tell his interface from the legate 's data stream . this war effort has crippled his usefulness because he ca n't access information like he does on other worlds . he finds it frustrating . now he 's in his element , at least . `` this legate flavius is a minor official . twenty centurions serve him . ten are reported to guard his residence in the capital . and we just killed three . '' flavius ? i lean in , hardly daring to hope . `` shine a light on his face , will you ? '' xirol does ; there 's a lot of blood , but i have no doubt this is the same a**hole who taunted me over lunch so long ago , when i was still filing petitions . who got his just desserts , huh , flavius ? it 's delightful that he 'll serve the cause postmortem . `` is this the same flavius ? '' vel asks , familiar with my frustrations . `` if he left ten guarding his home in the city , then seven imperials will be waiting for us , '' loras muses . `` i 'll draw lots for the four who 'll accompany me in the aircar . '' `` should n't you pick the crew who are best at hand-to-hand ? '' `` in case you run into trouble . '' it 's a logical question , but loras does n't want to rank us . i can see by his expression that he fears creating resentment in the squad . so he narrows his gaze on the young mareq , and snaps , `` do n't question me , boy . '' z brings his long arms forward in a shamed hunch . loras turns to vel . `` can you randomize all ten names and have four come up on your handheld screen ? '' vel 's insulted by the question ; his mandible flares , and not in the friendly fashion . let me finish downloading the dossier on legate flavius , and i will attend to it . '' a few clicks , and the screen lights up with each word , one by one . bannie . timmon . rikir . eller . the rest of us will be hiking . farah squares her shoulders , and loras takes a half step toward her . a nearly imperceptible shake of her head stops him . for a few seconds , his face is nak*d with regret ; he wishes he could disregard the lottery . but she does n't go to him . right now , she 's a soldier , and she ca n't give him what he wants ... or it will damage morale . mary , do i know how she feels . `` vel , you have bravo group , '' loras says . `` see you on the other side , '' xirol calls , as the aircar powers up . then it 's just the five of us in the dark . la'heng liberation army signal-jack ad : profile three oriana [ a girl gazes off-screen at something the viewer can not see . then the interviewer speaks . ] male voice , off-screen : can you tell us your story , oriana ? oriana : of course . [ she faces the camera . ] unlike most of my people , i do n't remember my family . male voice : is that unusual ? oriana : a bit . most of us are born in the provinces , where we 're sworn to a protector . if we 're lucky , he visits once to make sure we 're still breathing ; then he returns to his life in the city . i was born in the capital to two la'hengrin servants already bound to one of the noble houses . male voice : but you said you do n't remember your parents .
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["interface", 1107], ["stream", 1138], ["streams", 1138], ["streamed", 1138], ["streaming", 1138], ["war", 1149], ["effort", 1156], ["cripple", 1169], ["crippled", 1169], ["usefulness", 1184], ["ca", 1198], ["cas", 1198], ["access", 1209], ["accessest", 1209], ["information", 1221], ["like", 1226], ["world", 1250], ["worlds", 1250], ["find", 1261], ["finds", 1261], ["frustrating", 1276], ["element", 1303], ["least", 1314], ["leastest", 1314], ["minor", 1350], ["official", 1359], ["twenty", 1368], ["serve", 1385], ["ten", 1395], ["report", 1408], ["reported", 1408], ["guard", 1417], ["residence", 1431], ["capital", 1446], ["kill", 1467], ["killed", 1467], ["three", 1473], ["lean", 1495], ["leans", 1495], ["hardly", 1507], ["dare", 1514], ["daring", 1514], ["hope", 1522], ["shone", 1533], ["shine", 1533], ["shined", 1533], ["lit", 1541], ["light", 1541], ["face", 1553], ["lot", 1597], ["blood", 1606], ["bloods", 1606], ["blooded", 1606], ["doubt", 1628], ["taunt", 1665], ["tauntest", 1665], ["taunting", 1665], ["taunted", 1665], ["lunch", 1679], ["lunches", 1679], ["lunched", 1679], ["long", 1687], ["longs", 1687], ["ago", 1691], ["still", 1710], ["file", 1717], ["petition", 1727], ["petitions", 1727], ["get", 1737], ["got", 1737], ["dessert", 1755], ["desserts", 1755], ["huh", 1761], ["delightful", 1790], ["cause", 1818], ["postmortem", 1829], ["ask", 1873], ["asks", 1873], ["familiar", 1884], ["frustration", 1905], ["left", 1921], ["leave", 1921], ["guard", 1934], ["guarding", 1934], ["home", 1943], ["homing", 1943], ["city", 1955], ["seven", 1968], ["imperial", 1978], ["imperials", 1978], ["wait", 1994], ["waitest", 1994], ["waiting", 1994], ["draw", 2034], ["drawn", 2034], ["draws", 2034], ["lot", 2039], ["lots", 2039], ["four", 2052], ["accompany", 2070], ["pick", 2115], ["crew", 2124], ["run", 2177], ["trouble", 2190], ["troubling", 2190], ["logical", 2211], ["question", 2220], ["rank", 2254], ["see", 2269], ["expression", 2287], ["fear", 2301], ["fearest", 2301], ["fears", 2301], ["create", 2310], ["creating", 2310], ["resentment", 2321], ["squad", 2334], ["narrow", 2350], ["narrows", 2350], ["gaze", 2359], ["gazes", 2359], ["young", 2372], ["youngest", 2372], ["snap", 2390], ["snapping", 2390], ["snaps", 2390], ["boy", 2420], ["z", 2427], ["zest", 2427], ["bring", 2434], ["brings", 2434], ["arm", 2448], ["arms", 2448], ["forward", 2456], ["forwarding", 2456], ["forwardest", 2456], ["hunch", 2474], ["hunches", 2474], ["turn", 2488], ["turns", 2488], ["randomize", 2518], ["name", 2532], ["names", 2532], ["come", 2551], ["screen", 2578], ["screening", 2578], ["insult", 2599], ["insultest", 2599], ["insulted", 2599], ["mandible", 2630], ["flare", 2637], ["flares", 2637], ["friendly", 2663], ["fashion", 2671], ["fashioned", 2671], ["let", 2677], ["lets", 2677], ["finish", 2687], ["download", 2699], ["downloading", 2699], ["dossier", 2711], ["attend", 2749], ["click", 2773], ["clicks", 2773], ["lit", 2797], ["light", 2797], ["lights", 2797], ["word", 2815], ["rest", 2873], ["hike", 2894], ["hiking", 2894], ["square", 2910], ["squares", 2910], ["shoulder", 2924], ["shouldered", 2924], ["shoulders", 2924], ["take", 2942], ["takes", 2942], ["half", 2949], ["step", 2954], ["toward", 2961], ["nearly", 2976], ["imperceptible", 2990], ["shake", 2996], ["head", 3008], ["stop", 3014], ["stops", 3014], ["second", 3038], ["seconded", 3038], ["seconds", 3038], ["regret", 3070], ["wish", 3082], ["wishes", 3082], ["disregard", 3101], ["lottery", 3113], ["go", 3135], ["goest", 3135], ["right", 3150], ["rightest", 3150], ["soldier", 3173], ["soldiered", 3173], ["give", 3195], ["damage", 3235], ["damaging", 3235], ["morale", 3242], ["mary", 3249], ["marys", 3249], ["know", 3261], ["knowest", 3261], ["feel", 3275], ["feels", 3275], ["bravo", 3301], ["group", 3307], ["side", 3354], ["sidest", 3354], ["call", 3371], ["calls", 3371], ["power", 3394], ["powers", 3394], ["dark", 3442], ["liberation", 3463], ["army", 3468], ["signal", 3475], ["jack", 3480], ["jacks", 3480], ["jacked", 3480], ["ad", 3483], ["profile", 3493], ["girl", 3515], ["gaze", 3521], ["gazes", 3521], ["viewer", 3556], ["interviewer", 3591], ["interviewers", 3591], ["speak", 3598], ["spoken", 3598], ["speaks", 3598], ["male", 3607], ["males", 3607], ["voice", 3613], ["story", 3655], ["course", 3685], ["face", 3699], ["faces", 3699], ["camera", 3710], ["cameras", 3710], ["unlike", 3721], ["unliking", 3721], ["people", 3739], ["remember", 3759], ["rememberest", 3759], ["family", 3769], ["unusual", 3800], ["bit", 3817], ["bits", 3817], ["bore", 3839], ["bear", 3839], ["bearest", 3839], ["born", 3839], ["province", 3856], ["provinces", 3856], ["swear", 3877], ["sweared", 3877], ["sworn", 3877], ["protector", 3892], ["lucky", 3910], ["visit", 3922], ["visits", 3922], ["sure", 3940], ["breathe", 3963], ["breathes", 3963], ["return", 3981], ["returnest", 3981], ["returns", 3981], ["life", 3993], ["lifes", 3993], ["two", 4040], ["twos", 4040], ["servant", 4060], ["servants", 4060], ["already", 4068], ["bind", 4074], ["bound", 4074], ["noble", 4094], ["house", 4101], ["houses", 4101], ["say", 4129], ["sayest", 4129], ["said", 4129], ["parent", 4162], ["parents", 4162]]
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oriana : the master of the house traded me . he gave my bond to a powerful legate when i was an infant , and i never knew any life other than obedience and servitude . i thought it was natural that i should n't think too much-that i did n't need an education because the legate had no intention of seeing me trained as a translator , which is the only cerebral work my people are permitted on world . i have heard stories since that others who escaped la'heng have taken other training , always with their masters ' permission-and those masters are never nicuan . male voice : have you met your parents ? oriana : they died in service . there was an assassination attempt , and they gave their lives so their master could escape . male voice : the la'hengrin can not defend themselves . how could they help during a fight ? [ her face falls into deep , sad lines . ] oriana : they can not . but they can die . sometimes , a few seconds is all a coward needs to flee . voice-over : and that 's who you 're fighting for . chapter 30 as i move out , the sky opens up . the promised rain spills down over us in a liquid-silver curtain , cold enough that i feel it through my insulated armor . i glance over at zeeka . `` your gear holding up ? '' i fret about him more than i should . most days i tell myself it 's because he 's cold-blooded , so climates like this one can screw with his physiology . he 'd be better off on a tropical world , far away from this war . but z nods , his eyes shining . `` warm as my bunk . i 'm good , jax . `` everyone needs a hobby , '' i mutter . mine used to be wondering how i 'd die . it 's a mystery to me how z is n't crazy from grimspace deprivation , but unlike argus , he took the training without any hint of addiction . that might mean doc was right all along ; the mareq have the perfect ability to tolerate-and navigate-grimspace . if the makers had anything to do with their engineering , that makes sense . if the mareq are a servile race , created by the makers , then they would have all the genetic markers necessary to make them useful . as for me , i 'm suffering , as always . sometimes , when the need gets too much , i consider eating some pills or powder , maybe a shot , but chem wo n't solve my problem . it 'll just give me another addiction . so i strangle the feeling until it 's bearable , and i go on , because that 's my job . i lock the pain and the longing up with everything else i want and ca n't have right now . like march . `` the estate is twenty-five klicks that way , '' vel says , pointing . `` just a hop in the aircar . '' but there 's no rancor in xirol 's tone . loras chose his companions fairly , even when he wanted to take farah with him . i have no complaints about the process though it left me marching in the rain . farah pulls up her hood to keep out the damp , and the rest of us follow suit . vel takes point with the rest of us in twos . z ends up beside me , xirol with farah . in this weather , i estimate four hours , but vel sets a bruising clip . he 's almost running , like he knows something bad 's waiting for us , as if loras and the others flew into a trap . i want to ask if his instincts have told him something , but i do n't want the others to overhear . instead , i resolve to be ready . my boots slip and slide over the cold , muddy ground . this is what it was like for march on nicuan , i think , except it was hot ... and it went on for turns , until he snapped . no wonder he 's got a monster inside him . under vel 's aegis , it only takes us three hours and change to make those klicks , and i 'm exhausted when lights glimmer out of the darkness . they should n't have had trouble with the number of centurions present . all should be well . but when vel raises a hand to motion us to stillness , i press forward , trying to see what he does . `` i 'm ready to get out of the rain . '' in answer , vel points to the number of aircars parked before the manor . there are five , one of which loras arrived in , but i do n't see any sign of him . there are no sentries posted outside since it 's a miserable night , but they 're inside . `` it looks like a house party , '' farah says softly . `` assuming four people per vehicle , that 's an extra sixteen men . '' `` plus the seven centurions , '' zeeka adds .
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["males", 568], ["voice", 574], ["meet", 589], ["meeted", 589], ["met", 589], ["parent", 602], ["parents", 602], ["die", 623], ["died", 623], ["service", 634], ["servicing", 634], ["assassination", 663], ["attempt", 671], ["life", 699], ["lifes", 699], ["lives", 699], ["escape", 728], ["escapes", 728], ["defend", 773], ["help", 806], ["helpest", 806], ["fight", 821], ["fightest", 821], ["face", 834], ["fall", 840], ["falls", 840], ["deep", 850], ["deeply", 850], ["sad", 856], ["line", 862], ["lines", 862], ["die", 907], ["second", 935], ["seconded", 935], ["seconds", 935], ["coward", 951], ["need", 957], ["needest", 957], ["needs", 957], ["flee", 965], ["flees", 965], ["fight", 1013], ["fightest", 1013], ["chapter", 1027], ["move", 1040], ["sky", 1054], ["open", 1060], ["opens", 1060], ["rain", 1083], ["spill", 1090], ["spilt", 1090], ["spilling", 1090], ["spills", 1090], ["liquid", 1115], ["silver", 1122], ["silvered", 1122], ["curtain", 1130], ["curtaining", 1130], ["cold", 1137], ["enough", 1144], ["feel", 1156], ["armor", 1186], ["armored", 1186], ["armoring", 1186], ["glance", 1197], ["gear", 1226], ["hold", 1234], ["holding", 1234], ["fret", 1249], ["day", 1290], ["days", 1290], ["tell", 1297], ["climate", 1351], ["climates", 1351], ["like", 1356], ["screw", 1375], ["screwing", 1375], ["physiology", 1395], ["well", 1413], ["wells", 1413], ["tropical", 1431], ["far", 1443], ["away", 1448], ["war", 1462], ["z", 1470], ["zest", 1470], ["nod", 1475], ["nods", 1475], ["eye", 1486], ["eyed", 1486], ["eyes", 1486], ["shone", 1494], ["shine", 1494], ["shined", 1494], ["shining", 1494], ["warm", 1504], ["bunk", 1515], ["bunks", 1515], ["bunked", 1515], ["good", 1527], ["jax", 1533], ["everyone", 1547], ["hobby", 1561], ["mutter", 1575], ["muttering", 1575], ["mutterest", 1575], ["use", 1587], ["used", 1587], ["wonder", 1603], ["wonderest", 1603], ["wondering", 1603], ["mystery", 1634], ["mysteries", 1634], ["crazy", 1659], ["deprivation", 1686], ["unlike", 1699], ["unliking", 1699], ["argus", 1705], ["take", 1715], ["took", 1715], ["without", 1736], ["hint", 1745], ["hinting", 1745], ["addiction", 1758], ["may", 1771], ["mays", 1771], ["mayest", 1771], ["might", 1771], ["mean", 1776], ["meanest", 1776], ["doc", 1780], ["right", 1790], ["rightest", 1790], ["along", 1800], ["perfect", 1829], ["perfectest", 1829], ["ability", 1837], ["tolerate", 1849], ["navigate", 1862], ["navigated", 1862], ["navigates", 1862], ["maker", 1888], ["makers", 1888], ["anything", 1901], ["engineering", 1930], ["sense", 1949], ["servile", 1978], ["race", 1983], ["racing", 1983], ["create", 1993], ["created", 1993], ["genetic", 2046], ["genetics", 2046], ["marker", 2054], ["markers", 2054], ["necessary", 2064], ["useful", 2084], ["sufferings", 2113], ["get", 2158], ["gets", 2158], ["consider", 2180], ["eat", 2187], ["eating", 2187], ["pill", 2198], ["pills", 2198], ["powder", 2208], ["powdering", 2208], ["maybe", 2216], ["shot", 2223], ["chem", 2234], ["wo", 2237], ["solve", 2247], ["problem", 2258], ["give", 2277], ["another", 2288], ["strangle", 2314], ["strangles", 2314], ["feeling", 2326], ["bearable", 2347], ["go", 2358], ["goest", 2358], ["job", 2386], ["jobbing", 2386], ["lock", 2395], ["pain", 2404], ["longing", 2420], ["everything", 2439], ["else", 2444], ["ca", 2458], ["cas", 2458], ["march", 2490], ["marching", 2490], ["estate", 2506], ["twenty", 2516], ["five", 2521], ["fived", 2521], ["klick", 2528], ["klicks", 2528], ["way", 2537], ["ways", 2537], ["vel", 2546], ["say", 2551], ["sayest", 2551], ["says", 2551], ["point", 2562], ["pointing", 2562], ["hop", 2578], ["hops", 2578], ["hopped", 2578], ["hopping", 2578], ["aircar", 2592], ["rancor", 2620], ["tone", 2637], ["toned", 2637], ["toning", 2637], ["choose", 2651], ["chose", 2651], ["companion", 2666], ["companions", 2666], ["fairly", 2673], ["even", 2680], ["evens", 2680], ["take", 2703], ["complaint", 2741], ["complaints", 2741], ["process", 2759], ["though", 2766], ["left", 2774], ["leave", 2774], ["march", 2786], ["marching", 2786], ["pull", 2812], ["pulls", 2812], ["hood", 2824], ["keep", 2832], ["keepest", 2832], ["damp", 2845], ["damps", 2845], ["damped", 2845], ["rest", 2860], ["follow", 2873], ["suit", 2878], ["suited", 2878], ["take", 2890], ["takes", 2890], ["point", 2896], ["end", 2933], ["ends", 2933], ["endest", 2933], ["beside", 2943], ["weather", 2983], ["estimate", 2996], ["four", 3001], ["hour", 3007], ["hours", 3007], ["set", 3022], ["sets", 3022], ["bruise", 3033], ["bruising", 3033], ["clip", 3038], ["almost", 3053], ["run", 3061], ["running", 3061], ["know", 3077], ["knowest", 3077], ["knows", 3077], ["bad", 3091], ["wait", 3102], ["waitest", 3102], ["waiting", 3102], ["lora", 3123], ["fly", 3143], ["flys", 3143], ["flew", 3143], ["trap", 3155], ["ask", 3171], ["instinct", 3188], ["instincts", 3188], ["tell", 3198], ["told", 3198], ["overhear", 3255], ["overhearing", 3255], ["instead", 3265], ["resolve", 3277], ["ready", 3289], ["boot", 3300], ["boots", 3300], ["slip", 3305], ["slid", 3315], ["muddy", 3337], ["ground", 3344], ["except", 3410], ["hot", 3421], ["go", 3437], ["goest", 3437], ["went", 3437], ["turn", 3450], ["turns", 3450], ["snap", 3469], ["snapping", 3469], ["snapped", 3469], ["wonder", 3481], ["wonderest", 3481], ["get", 3491], ["got", 3491], ["monster", 3501], ["inside", 3508], ["aegis", 3533], ["three", 3558], ["change", 3575], ["lit", 3629], ["light", 3629], ["lights", 3629], ["glimmer", 3637], ["darkness", 3657], ["trouble", 3692], ["troubling", 3692], ["number", 3708], ["numbering", 3708], ["centurion", 3722], ["centurions", 3722], ["present", 3730], ["presentest", 3730], ["well", 3751], ["wells", 3751], ["raise", 3773], ["raises", 3773], ["hand", 3780], ["motion", 3790], ["stillness", 3806], ["press", 3816], ["forward", 3824], ["forwarding", 3824], ["forwardest", 3824], ["try", 3833], ["tryed", 3833], ["trying", 3833], ["see", 3840], ["get", 3876], ["answer", 3907], ["answeres", 3907], ["answerest", 3907], ["point", 3920], ["points", 3920], ["aircar", 3945], ["park", 3952], ["parks", 3952], ["parked", 3952], ["manor", 3969], ["arrive", 4015], ["arrived", 4015], ["sign", 4046], ["sentry", 4077], ["sentries", 4077], ["post", 4084], ["posted", 4084], ["outside", 4092], ["miserable", 4116], ["night", 4122], ["look", 4158], ["looks", 4158], ["party", 4177], ["softly", 4200], ["assume", 4214], ["assumes", 4214], ["assuming", 4214], ["per", 4230], ["vehicle", 4238], ["vehicled", 4238], ["extra", 4257], ["extras", 4257], ["sixteen", 4265], ["sixteens", 4265], ["man", 4269], ["mans", 4269], ["manned", 4269], ["men", 4269], ["plus", 4282], ["seven", 4292], ["add", 4319], ["adds", 4319]]
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`` loras gave you command , vel . '' xirol says . `` what are our orders ? '' he crouches beyond the range of the lights that illuminate the manor exterior , tapping his handheld . `` i can not get a clear reading . there are devices inside , interfering with the energy emissions . '' `` so we do n't know where they are , '' farah says , her voice taut . for her , this must be doubly terrifying . both her brother and lover have vanished this rainy night . they might be hostages ; there might be more centurions on the way . if we 're caught here , it destroys the plan to sub vel for the legate and makes this detour pointless . plus , we could all die ; i 'm glad i 'm not in charge . `` if they were outside , they 'd have spotted us , '' i point out . `` we must do some recon , '' vel says . `` i am the most qualified for the task . remain here until i return . `` shit , '' xirol whispers . i feel exactly the same way as vel slips into the shadows . intellectually , i know he 's a better hunter than any of us . he knows how to go unseen , how to snag his target , from all those turns as a bounty hunter . but it does n't help a lot when you 're squatting in the mud , rain pouring down , and you do n't know what 's going on . pain twists through me , nearly making me cry out . even the idea is devastating . somehow , i manage to reply , `` then we move out . we have our orders for the capital . we 'll divide up as directed and carry on . '' if loras and the others are lost , if vel does n't make it out , then the four of us have no hope of taking out all the centurions inside . without loras to drive the war effort-he 's the face of the revolution-i do n't know how it can go forward , but it has to . i wo n't let all this work be for nothing . if i ca n't do it with my friend , i 'll finish it for him . `` i have his contacts , '' farah says softly . `` i can step in . '' those words must feel like razors in her throat . yet her face remains set and determined , her delicate jaw firm . this woman is worthy of loras . mary , i hope he 's all right . this is n't how it 's supposed to end ; he should n't die a martyr for the cause . i curl my hands into fists within my gloves . the minutes tick away slowly , feeling more like hours . at last vel slips back into position , and i fight the urge to hug him . not appropriate , jax . `` i suspect the others arrived after our men , '' he reports . `` i could find no sign of anything amiss , however , so i do not believe they have been detected . '' farah exhales slowly . `` so they 're hiding , trapped inside . '' `` we do n't dare use the comm , '' i whisper . vel nods , indicating it might give away their hiding spot and get them killed . i made that mistake once . sorry , doc . `` we need a diversion , '' zeeka says . xirol studies the aircars parked before the manor . `` one of those would make a nice , big boom . '' if sasha were here , we would n't have to lay charges . but he 's just a kid . and when he 's old enough , when march gives him permission to fight , he wo n't be on my team anyway . he 's going into the special forces unit . `` i 'll do it , '' zeeka offers . z feels about explosives as i do grimspace ; for him , jumping is a job , an exciting one , but not an addiction . he 's lucky in that regard . `` allow time for us to get out of sight before you trigger it , '' vel orders . `` set the charges to take out as many of the other vehicles as you can . then meet us around back . we will enter through the kitchens as they come out to investigate . '' `` what 's our priority inside ? '' `` find our people or kill the enemy ? '' as i knew he would , vel says , `` rescue first . once we reunite , and our numbers are restored , we can engage . '' i speak in unison with z , farah , and xirol . z splits from the rest of us , running across the yard in his bounding style , but he avoids the lights deftly , until i can no longer see him . staying low , behind xirol , i move down the box hedges toward the side of the house . vel leads ; every now and then , he pauses to listen , then presses forward again . tension tightens my shoulders , but he 's good at what he does .
|
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526], ["ways", 526], ["catch", 545], ["catched", 545], ["catches", 545], ["caught", 545], ["destroy", 564], ["destroys", 564], ["plan", 573], ["sub", 580], ["subbing", 580], ["legate", 599], ["detour", 621], ["detours", 621], ["detoured", 621], ["pointless", 631], ["plus", 638], ["die", 657], ["glad", 669], ["charge", 688], ["outside", 714], ["spot", 737], ["spotted", 737], ["point", 753], ["recon", 784], ["task", 840], ["taskest", 840], ["tasking", 840], ["remain", 849], ["return", 869], ["returnest", 869], ["shit", 879], ["whisper", 899], ["whispers", 899], ["feel", 908], ["exactly", 916], ["slip", 942], ["slips", 942], ["shadow", 959], ["shadowed", 959], ["shadows", 959], ["intellectually", 976], ["well", 1000], ["wells", 1000], ["hunter", 1007], ["know", 1033], ["knowest", 1033], ["knows", 1033], ["go", 1043], ["goest", 1043], ["unseen", 1050], ["snag", 1064], ["target", 1075], ["turn", 1098], ["turns", 1098], ["bounty", 1110], ["help", 1140], ["helpest", 1140], ["lot", 1146], 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["position", 2303], ["fight", 2317], ["fightest", 2317], ["urge", 2326], ["hug", 2333], ["appropriate", 2355], ["appropriates", 2355], ["jax", 2361], ["suspect", 2376], ["arrive", 2395], ["arrived", 2395], ["man", 2409], ["mans", 2409], ["manned", 2409], ["men", 2409], ["report", 2425], ["reports", 2425], ["find", 2443], ["sign", 2451], ["anything", 2463], ["amiss", 2469], ["however", 2479], ["believe", 2501], ["detect", 2525], ["detectest", 2525], ["detected", 2525], ["exhale", 2544], ["exhales", 2544], ["hide", 2575], ["hides", 2575], ["hiding", 2575], ["trap", 2585], ["trapped", 2585], ["dare", 2615], ["use", 2619], ["comm", 2628], ["whisper", 2643], ["nod", 2654], ["nods", 2654], ["indicate", 2667], ["indicating", 2667], ["give", 2681], ["spot", 2704], ["kill", 2724], ["killed", 2724], ["mistake", 2746], ["mistook", 2746], ["mistaken", 2746], ["sorry", 2759], ["doc", 2765], ["need", 2778], ["needest", 2778], ["diversion", 2790], ["study", 2822], ["studies", 2822], ["aircar", 2834], ["park", 2841], ["parks", 2841], ["parked", 2841], ["nice", 2894], ["big", 2900], ["bigs", 2900], ["boom", 2905], ["boomed", 2905], ["sasha", 2919], ["lay", 2956], ["lays", 2956], ["layed", 2956], ["layest", 2956], ["charge", 2964], ["charges", 2964], ["kid", 2987], ["old", 3008], ["enough", 3015], ["march", 3028], ["marching", 3028], ["give", 3034], ["gives", 3034], ["permission", 3049], ["team", 3084], ["teamed", 3084], ["teaming", 3084], ["anyway", 3091], ["special", 3122], ["force", 3129], ["forces", 3129], ["unit", 3134], ["offer", 3169], ["offers", 3169], ["z", 3173], ["zest", 3173], ["feel", 3179], ["feels", 3179], ["explosive", 3196], ["explosives", 3196], ["jump", 3234], ["jumps", 3234], ["jumping", 3234], ["job", 3243], ["jobbing", 3243], ["exciting", 3257], ["addiction", 3284], ["lucky", 3298], ["regard", 3313], ["allow", 3324], ["time", 3329], ["sight", 3356], ["sighted", 3356], ["trigger", 3375], ["take", 3423], ["many", 3435], ["vehicle", 3457], ["vehicled", 3457], ["vehicles", 3457], ["meet", 3480], ["meeted", 3480], ["around", 3490], ["enter", 3511], ["kitchen", 3532], ["kitchens", 3532], ["come", 3545], ["investigate", 3564], ["investigates", 3564], ["priority", 3593], ["people", 3624], ["kill", 3632], ["enemy", 3642], ["know", 3657], ["knowest", 3657], ["knew", 3657], ["rescue", 3689], ["first", 3695], ["firstest", 3695], ["reunite", 3713], ["reunites", 3713], ["number", 3731], ["numbering", 3731], ["numbers", 3731], ["restore", 3744], ["restored", 3744], ["engage", 3760], ["speak", 3773], ["spoken", 3773], ["unison", 3783], ["split", 3821], ["splits", 3821], ["rest", 3835], ["run", 3851], ["running", 3851], ["across", 3858], ["yard", 3867], ["yards", 3867], ["style", 3889], ["avoid", 3905], ["avoids", 3905], ["deftly", 3923], ["long", 3947], ["see", 3951], ["stay", 3965], ["staying", 3965], ["low", 3969], ["lowed", 3969], ["behind", 3978], ["box", 4006], ["boxed", 4006], ["hedge", 4013], ["hedging", 4013], ["hedges", 4013], ["toward", 4020], ["side", 4029], ["sidest", 4029], ["house", 4042], ["lead", 4054], ["leaded", 4054], ["leads", 4054], ["every", 4062], ["pause", 4087], ["pauses", 4087], ["listen", 4097], ["listens", 4097], ["press", 4112], ["presses", 4112], ["tension", 4136], ["tighten", 4145], ["tightens", 4145], ["tightenest", 4145], ["shoulder", 4158], ["shouldered", 4158], ["shoulders", 4158], ["good", 4175]]
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despite the rain and low visibility , we make it to the back door fast . still quiet . three minutes later , i 'm starting to get worried . z should be here by now- and then he is . breathless , he falls in behind farah , big eyes looking to vel for confirmation . the ithtorian inclines his head . zeeka presses a button on the remote in his hand , and the subsequent explosion rocks us . inside , immediate commotion results ; and then comes the sound of running footsteps and shouted questions . `` our cue , '' vel says . because he 'd never ask us to do anything he would n't , he opens the back door and steps into the kitchens . our camo ca n't blend in a room that 's all white and silver ; the paint is n't formulated for interior environments . it matches rocks or trees , and it works best when we 're not moving . the pattern on our armor swirls , making me dizzy , so i look away . and focus on the terrified la'heng servant opening her mouth to scream . chapter 31 xirol 's on her in a blink , hand across her mouth . he whispers , `` we 're resistance . nod if you 've heard of us . '' she 's plain , fine-featured but unexceptional . her hair is a muddy brown , eyes hazel . the girl ducks her head just a little . i gather that means she 's heard of us , but since she works for a legate , none of it is good . she still looks terrified . i wonder what propaganda they 've been spinning . `` we 're not going to hurt you , '' farah whispers . `` in fact , we can set you free , just as i am . do you see my weapons ? i was a slave once , too , just like you . '' `` i 'm going to take my hand away , if you promise not to scream . xirol lowers his hand cautiously , but she does n't cry out . the girl eyes farah with an equal measure of fear and fascination . `` how can i be free ? who will take care of me ? '' `` i care for myself , '' farah answers . `` and sometimes my friends , too . '' `` is there really a cure ? legate flavius says it 's all lies . '' he wo n't be saying anything , anymore . this does n't seem like the time to break the news to her . i wonder how much of the shinai-bond stems from turns of psychological dependence . they 've been told , repeatedly , that they 'll die without protection . is it possible for the mind to control physiological response when belief becomes so ingrained ? `` who do you think is fighting in the mountains ? '' `` the legate says there are no free la'hengrin . that it 's all the work of foreign devils who want to steal us for themselves . '' my heart sinks at this news . sadly , this has happened . the conglomerate handed management of la'heng to nicuan , as one of the tier worlds equipped to deal with slavery on such a scale ; but prior to that , during farwan 's reign , the corp sold la'heng to the highest bidder , and disgruntled , defeated factions then used the planet as a staging ground for their grievances . they tried to take what they could n't buy-with varying degrees of success . the result was complete destruction of local infrastructure , and the conquerors determined what was rebuilt . each time it occurred , things got worse and worse for the la'hengrin . `` do you like working for the legate ? '' if she 's loyal to her master , then we must tie her up and gag her . i hate the thought of treating a helpless female that way , but we ca n't have her raising the alarm . xirol gives me a look that says this is worse for him ; he ca n't bear it when one of his people has come to love the boot on her throat . `` he hurts me . '' those three short , simple words possess incredible power . beside me , vel curls his gloved claws , and i sense he wants to rip out the legate 's throat himself . if xirol 's and farah 's expressions are any clue to their feelings , he can get in line . z puts a gentle hand on her shoulder . `` if you help us , we can free you . '' `` it 's true then ? '' her small face shines . `` i have the treatment in my bag . '' i catch her eyes , brows raised , asking silently , i thought we were done ? apparently , she and loras have some hidden agenda . a leader is n't expected to share everything with his troops . i just need to shut up and follow orders . it sucks that i 'm so bad at it . `` you 'll take me with you ? '' only loras can make that promise , but farah agrees . you can join the resistance in the capital . ''
|
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2196], ["die", 2216], ["without", 2224], ["protection", 2235], ["possible", 2252], ["mind", 2265], ["minding", 2265], ["control", 2276], ["physiological", 2290], ["response", 2299], ["belief", 2311], ["become", 2319], ["becomes", 2319], ["think", 2354], ["thinkest", 2354], ["fight", 2366], ["fightest", 2366], ["mountain", 2383], ["mountains", 2383], ["work", 2462], ["wrought", 2462], ["foreign", 2473], ["devil", 2480], ["devils", 2480], ["stole", 2498], ["steal", 2498], ["heart", 2530], ["sank", 2536], ["sink", 2536], ["sinks", 2536], ["sadly", 2557], ["happen", 2577], ["happened", 2577], ["conglomerate", 2596], ["management", 2614], ["tier", 2656], ["world", 2663], ["worlds", 2663], ["equip", 2672], ["equipped", 2672], ["deal", 2680], ["slavery", 2693], ["scale", 2709], ["prior", 2721], ["reign", 2754], ["reigns", 2754], ["corp", 2765], ["sell", 2770], ["sells", 2770], ["sold", 2770], ["high", 2793], ["highest", 2793], ["bidder", 2800], ["disgruntle", 2818], ["disgruntled", 2818], ["defeat", 2829], ["defeatest", 2829], ["defeated", 2829], ["faction", 2838], ["factions", 2838], ["use", 2848], ["used", 2848], ["planet", 2859], ["stagings", 2872], ["ground", 2879], ["grievance", 2900], ["grievances", 2900], ["try", 2913], ["tryed", 2913], ["tried", 2913], ["buy", 2945], ["buyed", 2945], ["vary", 2958], ["varies", 2958], ["varied", 2958], ["varying", 2958], ["degree", 2966], ["degrees", 2966], ["success", 2977], ["successes", 2977], ["result", 2990], ["resultest", 2990], ["complete", 3003], ["destruction", 3015], ["local", 3024], ["infrastructure", 3039], ["conqueror", 3060], ["conquerors", 3060], ["determine", 3071], ["determined", 3071], ["rebuilt", 3088], ["rebuild", 3088], ["occur", 3112], ["occurest", 3112], ["occurred", 3112], ["thing", 3121], ["things", 3121], ["get", 3125], ["got", 3125], ["bad", 3131], ["worse", 3131], ["work", 3185], ["wrought", 3185], ["working", 3185], ["loyal", 3221], ["master", 3235], ["must", 3250], ["musts", 3250], ["tie", 3254], ["tying", 3254], ["tieing", 3254], ["gag", 3269], ["hate", 3282], ["hateed", 3282], ["think", 3294], ["thinkest", 3294], ["thought", 3294], ["treat", 3306], ["treats", 3306], ["treatest", 3306], ["treating", 3306], ["helpless", 3317], ["female", 3324], ["way", 3333], ["ways", 3333], ["raise", 3366], ["raising", 3366], ["alarm", 3376], ["give", 3390], ["gives", 3390], ["bore", 3449], ["bear", 3449], ["bearest", 3449], ["people", 3475], ["come", 3484], ["love", 3492], ["boot", 3501], ["throat", 3515], ["hurt", 3529], ["hurts", 3529], ["hurting", 3529], ["short", 3555], ["simple", 3564], ["simplest", 3564], ["word", 3570], ["words", 3570], ["possess", 3578], ["possesses", 3578], ["incredible", 3589], ["power", 3595], ["beside", 3604], ["curl", 3619], ["curls", 3619], ["curled", 3619], ["glove", 3630], ["gloved", 3630], ["claws", 3636], ["sense", 3650], ["rip", 3666], ["expression", 3738], ["expressions", 3738], ["clue", 3751], ["clues", 3751], ["feeling", 3769], ["feelings", 3769], 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the girl takes a step back . `` but i ca n't fight . i only know how to clean and run the kitchen-mate . '' `` shhh , '' xirol says gently . `` easy , carenna . we 'll find a job for you . '' `` soldiers need to eat , '' she murmurs , as if reassuring herself . `` and a clean place to stay . it ca n't be worse than here . '' visibly gathering her courage , she asks , `` what do you need of me ? '' vel tells her , `` hide . do not emerge until you hear us call the all clear . '' farah asks . `` tiana . you 're going to kill them , are n't you ? '' i 'm a little afraid of how she 'll respond to the truth , but xirol meets her gaze . to my surprise , her brows come down in a fierce look . `` quickly now , we do n't have much time before they come back , '' i say . `` how many men are here ? '' tiana gives us an accurate count , a few less than i feared since some of the vehicles only carried two or three passengers , not the full four i 'd estimated . and then she runs , scrambling for a hiding place . `` move , '' vel orders . he 's not being an ass . there 's no time to stand around chatting . the exchange with tiana cost us precious moments from the distraction . soon the centurions will figure out that it was a deliberate detonation , not a mechanical malfunction , and they 'll storm in looking for trouble . before that happens , we must locate loras and the rest of the squad . we step out of the kitchen to search . fortunately , they must 've heard the explosion , so i spot loras coming down the stairs . before he can do more than offer an appreciative smile , the front door slams . booted feet tromp across expensive natural flooring , and a high-pitched male voice whines about the destruction of his vehicles outside . this legate sure brought a lot of guards . `` sorry , legate , '' a deeper tone replies . `` they 're here , '' the legate says , growing more shrill . `` i know they are . '' `` we did a perimeter check after the explosion , your excellency . the rain makes it impossible to track , but as soon as it clears up , we 'll hunt the bastards down . '' the centurion sounds so positive . `` legate flavius should have arrived already , '' the other legate says fretfully . `` he knows how great a risk i took in making the journey at all , especially now . '' that means they have n't found the corpse , wherever loras stashed it . but two legates at this gathering ? before we go , i need to poke around and see what conspiracies are brewing here . from march , i knew well that nicuan nobles are never happy unless they 're intriguing-and it 's a bad idea to split focus when there 's a war on . that will work to our advantage . setting that aside for now , i glance at loras for orders . do we attack or wait for them to disperse ? they clearly do n't know we 're inside the house . they think this is one of the resistance 's famous hit-and-runs , where we blow up property and disappear . since that 's been the mainstay of the rebellion , i do n't blame them for leaping to that conclusion . but the game 's about to change . the odds are n't great for a pitched battle ; apart from vel , none of us are commandos . we managed on the road because the centurions were distracted , staring at farah 's half-naked body . here , there are two of them for every one of us . it 's a tough call . after an agonized moment of indecision , loras signals . on my mark , we draw them . '' `` bottleneck , '' vel says . `` and it is always good to fight on the high ground . '' what he does n't mention is that we might be screwed if any of them survive the initial run . the landing up above is narrow ; it does n't provide much room for a melee . yet maybe that 's an asset , too , since the centurions have turns of combat experience over us . the squad nods . `` bring 'em , jax . '' i scream at my utmost volume , infusing the sound with ululating terror . centurions spring into motion while barking questions at each other . their boots ring on the wood floor , announcing their approach . i bring up my weapon and drop to my knee . i can fire through the railing ; i 'm small enough . the angle is such that i 'll catch them before they hit the stairwell . the first enemy pops into sight , but my hands are steady on the pistol .
|
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["kill", 528], ["little", 566], ["afraid", 573], ["respond", 596], ["respondest", 596], ["truth", 609], ["meet", 627], ["meeted", 627], ["meets", 627], ["gaze", 636], ["gazes", 636], ["surprise", 653], ["surprised", 653], ["brow", 665], ["brows", 665], ["come", 670], ["fierce", 687], ["look", 692], ["quickly", 705], ["much", 731], ["time", 736], ["say", 769], ["sayest", 769], ["many", 783], ["man", 787], ["mans", 787], ["manned", 787], ["men", 787], ["give", 813], ["gives", 813], ["accurate", 828], ["count", 834], ["countest", 834], ["less", 847], ["fear", 861], ["fearest", 861], ["feared", 861], ["since", 867], ["vehicle", 888], ["vehicled", 888], ["vehicles", 888], ["carry", 901], ["carried", 901], ["two", 905], ["twos", 905], ["three", 914], ["passenger", 925], ["passengers", 925], ["full", 940], ["four", 945], ["estimate", 960], ["estimated", 960], ["run", 980], ["runs", 980], ["scramble", 993], ["scrambling", 993], ["hide", 1006], ["hiding", 1006], ["move", 1022], ["order", 1038], ["orderest", 1038], ["orders", 1038], ["ass", 1063], ["stand", 1091], ["stood", 1091], ["standest", 1091], ["around", 1098], ["exchange", 1122], ["cost", 1138], ["precious", 1150], ["moment", 1158], ["moments", 1158], ["distraction", 1179], ["soon", 1186], ["centurion", 1201], ["centurions", 1201], ["figure", 1213], ["deliberate", 1242], ["detonation", 1253], ["mechanical", 1272], ["malfunction", 1284], ["storm", 1305], ["look", 1316], ["looking", 1316], ["trouble", 1328], ["troubling", 1328], ["happen", 1350], ["happens", 1350], ["must", 1360], ["musts", 1360], ["locate", 1367], ["rest", 1386], ["squad", 1399], ["search", 1438], ["fortunately", 1452], ["hear", 1474], ["hears", 1474], ["heard", 1474], ["explosion", 1488], ["spot", 1500], ["lora", 1506], ["come", 1513], ["coming", 1513], ["stair", 1529], ["stairs", 1529], ["offer", 1564], ["appreciative", 1580], ["smile", 1586], ["front", 1598], ["door", 1603], ["slam", 1609], ["boot", 1618], ["booted", 1618], ["foot", 1623], ["feet", 1623], ["tromp", 1629], ["tromps", 1629], ["across", 1636], ["expensive", 1646], ["natural", 1654], ["flooring", 1663], ["high", 1676], ["pitch", 1684], ["pitched", 1684], ["male", 1689], ["males", 1689], ["voice", 1695], ["whine", 1702], ["whines", 1702], ["destruction", 1724], ["outside", 1748], ["legate", 1762], ["sure", 1767], ["bring", 1775], ["brought", 1775], ["lot", 1781], ["guard", 1791], ["guards", 1791], ["sorry", 1802], ["deep", 1825], ["deeply", 1825], ["tone", 1830], ["toned", 1830], ["toning", 1830], ["reply", 1838], ["grow", 1888], ["growest", 1888], ["growing", 1888], ["shrill", 1900], ["perimeter", 1948], ["check", 1954], ["excellency", 1992], ["rain", 2003], ["impossible", 2023], ["track", 2032], ["clear", 2059], ["clearest", 2059], ["clears", 2059], ["hunt", 2076], ["huntest", 2076], ["hunting", 2076], ["bastard", 2089], ["bastards", 2089], ["centurion", 2113], ["sound", 2120], ["sounds", 2120], ["positive", 2132], ["arrive", 2172], ["arrived", 2172], ["already", 2180], ["fretfully", 2217], ["know", 2231], ["knowest", 2231], ["knows", 2231], ["great", 2241], ["risk", 2248], ["riskest", 2248], ["take", 2255], ["took", 2255], ["journey", 2277], ["journeys", 2277], ["journeyed", 2277], ["journeyest", 2277], ["especially", 2297], ["mean", 2317], ["meanest", 2317], ["means", 2317], ["find", 2337], ["found", 2337], ["corpse", 2348], ["wherever", 2359], ["stash", 2373], ["stashed", 2373], ["legate", 2394], ["legates", 2394], ["go", 2427], ["goest", 2427], ["poke", 2444], ["see", 2459], ["conspiracy", 2477], ["conspiracies", 2477], ["brew", 2489], ["brews", 2489], ["march", 2507], ["marching", 2507], ["know", 2516], ["knowest", 2516], ["knew", 2516], ["well", 2521], ["wells", 2521], ["noble", 2540], ["nobles", 2540], ["never", 2550], ["happy", 2556], ["unless", 2563], ["unlesss", 2563], ["intriguing", 2583], ["bad", 2599], ["idea", 2604], ["split", 2613], ["focus", 2619], ["war", 2639], ["work", 2659], ["wrought", 2659], ["advantage", 2676], ["advantaging", 2676], ["set", 2686], ["setting", 2686], ["aside", 2697], ["glance", 2716], ["attack", 2751], ["wait", 2759], ["waitest", 2759], ["disperse", 2780], ["clearly", 2795], ["inside", 2821], ["house", 2831], ["think", 2844], ["thinkest", 2844], ["resistance", 2874], ["famous", 2884], ["hit", 2888], ["blew", 2913], ["blow", 2913], ["blowest", 2913], ["property", 2925], ["disappear", 2939], ["mainstay", 2973], ["mainstays", 2973], ["rebellion", 2990], ["blame", 3007], ["blamest", 3007], ["leap", 3024], ["leaps", 3024], ["leaping", 3024], ["conclusion", 3043], ["game", 3058], ["change", 3077], ["odd", 3088], ["odds", 3088], ["battle", 3123], ["apart", 3131], ["none", 3147], ["manage", 3180], ["managed", 3180], ["road", 3192], ["distract", 3231], ["distracted", 3231], ["stare", 3241], ["stared", 3241], ["staring", 3241], ["half", 3258], ["naked", 3264], ["body", 3269], ["bodied", 3269], ["every", 3310], ["tough", 3336], ["moment", 3368], ["indecision", 3382], ["signal", 3398], ["signals", 3398], ["mark", 3411], ["marks", 3411], ["draw", 3421], ["drawn", 3421], ["draws", 3421], ["bottleneck", 3445], ["bottlenecks", 3445], ["bottlenecked", 3445], ["always", 3481], ["good", 3486], ["ground", 3514], ["mention", 3544], ["may", 3561], ["mays", 3561], ["mayest", 3561], ["might", 3561], ["screw", 3572], ["screwing", 3572], ["screwed", 3572], ["survive", 3595], ["initial", 3607], ["landing", 3625], ["narrow", 3644], ["provide", 3666], ["room", 3676], ["roomed", 3676], ["melee", 3688], ["melees", 3688], ["yet", 3694], ["maybe", 3700], ["asset", 3717], ["turn", 3757], ["turns", 3757], ["combat", 3767], ["experience", 3778], ["experienced", 3778], ["nod", 3803], ["nods", 3803], ["bring", 3814], ["jax", 3824], ["scream", 3838], ["screams", 3838], ["utmost", 3851], ["volume", 3858], ["volumed", 3858], ["infuse", 3869], ["infusing", 3869], ["sound", 3879], ["ululate", 3894], ["ululates", 3894], ["terror", 3901], ["terrors", 3901], ["sprang", 3921], ["spring", 3921], ["sprung", 3921], ["motion", 3933], ["bark", 3947], ["barked", 3947], ["barking", 3947], ["question", 3957], ["questions", 3957], ["boot", 3985], ["boots", 3985], ["rang", 3990], ["rung", 3990], ["ring", 3990], ["wood", 4002], ["floor", 4008], ["announce", 4021], ["announcing", 4021], ["approach", 4036], ["approaches", 4036], ["weapon", 4059], ["drop", 4068], ["knee", 4079], ["fire", 4092], ["railing", 4112], ["small", 4125], ["enough", 4132], ["angle", 4144], ["catch", 4169], ["catched", 4169], ["catches", 4169], ["stairwell", 4204], ["stairwells", 4204], ["first", 4216], ["firstest", 4216], ["enemy", 4222], ["pop", 4227], ["pops", 4227], ["sight", 4238], ["sighted", 4238], ["hand", 4253], ["hands", 4253], ["steady", 4264], ["pistol", 4278]]
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march and sasha are n't here to fill me with fear , so using the sight , i make a clean shot . red light streaks toward him , and he tries to dodge , but the laser strikes his armor . it did n't get through . i fire again as he presses up , and this time , the chest plate explodes to expose the raw burn on his chest . farah and bannie , both shorter , drop so they can focus fire beside me . one more hit , and the centurion staggers , drops . over us , the men lay down such a fierce line of fire that the centurions fear to cross . it 's insta-death right now , but we ca n't keep it up . our weapons click , the power packs overheating . we continue ; somebody loses a hand . or a face . finally , loras says , `` rotate your shots , let your guns cool down . '' my unit in the armada ran tighter than this with march at the helm , but he had turns of command experience . loras is doing his best , but this is new to him , just like it 's new to so many la'hengrin . they 're not used to handling weapons . we should 've planned better , but what the hell , we 're in it now . chapter 32 one of the centurions decides the quiet means it 's time to charge . `` do n't , '' another shouts . i did n't know it was , but vel did . he was n't firing along with the rest of us , so he nails the enemy with enough force to split his helmet . it 's not a kill shot , but the next one is . the enemy 's head explodes in a charred stew of splattering brain and bone . `` hold , '' the deep voice thunders . `` they want you to charge , idiots . do n't , unless you have a death wish . '' it sounds like the voice of experience is taking their strategy in hand . soft and spoiled these centurions might be , now , but they did n't survive ten turns on nicuan by being terrible at their jobs . this will get a lot harder . `` can they call for reinforcements ? '' `` i cut the comm connection . i doubt any of them know how to repair it . '' `` nice , '' xirol murmurs . `` they ca n't call for help without calling someone to help them call for help . '' despite the grave situation , i grin . my muscles tense as i hear the low voices below us talking , beyond my hearing range , though . i turn to zeeka . z silences me with a gloved hand on his mouth and everyone else falls quiet . our weapons are cool now , but the centurions below have something else planned . they 're not running up the stairs one or two at a time ; that would be idiotic . too bad only two of them failed the test . we still have eighteen down there to kill . `` what do you mean the comms are down ? '' the legate screams . `` my aircar 's a smoldering pile . we ca n't call out ? someone get me out of here ! i 'm too important to- '' then there 's a thud , followed by a thump , like somebody hit him . are centurions allowed to do that ? i wonder if we stumbled into an internal coup . `` something is not right , '' vel says . the rest of us nod . does n't change our mandate , however . we still have to kill everyone in the house , then blow it up . i hope vel can convince everyone that legate flavius survived the attack . tiana will help sell the story ; that 's the best way she can serve the resistance , i realize . keep doing her job , lending credence to vel 's disguise . zeeka leans in . `` i know what they 're planning . that 's the only warning we get before a centurion aims a heat-sensing smart grenade at us . i scramble ; the smartie wo n't go off until it locks onto a large heat source . it wo n't sit still long enough for anyone to disarm it-if it gets that close , it blows . in that way , it 's like a mobile proximity mine . a few of my squad-mates fall in behind me , and i slam the door . other slams echo nearby . i hope everybody 's safe . the centurions have n't solved their problem . they ca n't get to us with the grenade in play . they can only hope it will soften us up . then an explosion rocks the whole upper story . the door i 'm hiding behind smokes . from my position , i ca n't reach the handle , but loras can . for the first time i notice who 's with me : xirol , loras , and zeeka . anyone else might be dead . vel might be .
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["lie", 467], ["lain", 467], ["fierce", 486], ["line", 491], ["centurion", 519], ["centurions", 519], ["cross", 533], ["crossing", 533], ["insta", 547], ["death", 553], ["right", 559], ["rightest", 559], ["ca", 575], ["cas", 575], ["keep", 584], ["keepest", 584], ["weapon", 604], ["weapons", 604], ["click", 610], ["power", 622], ["pack", 628], ["packs", 628], ["overheat", 640], ["overheating", 640], ["continue", 654], ["lose", 671], ["loses", 671], ["hand", 678], ["face", 690], ["finally", 700], ["say", 713], ["sayest", 713], ["says", 713], ["rotate", 725], ["shot", 736], ["shots", 736], ["let", 742], ["lets", 742], ["gun", 752], ["guns", 752], ["cool", 757], ["unit", 775], ["armada", 789], ["armadas", 789], ["run", 793], ["ran", 793], ["tight", 801], ["helm", 834], ["helmed", 834], ["helmest", 834], ["turn", 853], ["turns", 853], ["command", 864], ["experience", 875], ["experienced", 875], ["good", 901], ["best", 901], ["new", 919], ["like", 938], ["many", 959], ["use", 990], ["used", 990], ["handle", 1002], ["handling", 1002], ["plan", 1034], ["planned", 1034], ["well", 1041], ["wells", 1041], ["hell", 1061], ["hells", 1061], ["chapter", 1090], ["decide", 1123], ["decides", 1123], ["quiet", 1133], ["mean", 1139], ["meanest", 1139], ["means", 1139], ["charge", 1160], ["another", 1185], ["shout", 1192], ["shouts", 1192], ["know", 1209], ["knowest", 1209], ["vel", 1226], ["fire", 1250], ["firing", 1250], ["along", 1256], ["rest", 1270], ["nail", 1290], ["nails", 1290], ["enemy", 1300], ["enough", 1312], ["force", 1318], ["split", 1327], ["helmet", 1338], ["kill", 1357], ["next", 1377], ["head", 1404], ["char", 1426], ["charring", 1426], ["charred", 1426], ["stew", 1431], ["stews", 1431], ["stewest", 1431], ["splatter", 1446], ["splattering", 1446], ["brain", 1452], ["brained", 1452], ["braining", 1452], ["bone", 1461], ["bonest", 1461], ["hold", 1471], ["deep", 1485], ["deeply", 1485], ["voice", 1491], ["thunder", 1500], ["thunders", 1500], ["idiot", 1538], ["idiots", 1538], ["unless", 1556], ["unlesss", 1556], ["wish", 1578], ["sound", 1593], ["sounds", 1593], ["take", 1632], ["taking", 1632], ["strategy", 1647], ["soft", 1662], ["spoil", 1674], ["spoiled", 1674], ["may", 1697], ["mays", 1697], ["mayest", 1697], ["might", 1697], ["survive", 1733], ["ten", 1737], ["terrible", 1771], ["job", 1785], ["jobbing", 1785], ["jobs", 1785], ["lot", 1807], ["hard", 1814], ["call", 1833], ["reinforcement", 1852], ["reinforcements", 1852], ["cut", 1866], ["comm", 1875], ["connection", 1886], ["doubt", 1896], ["repair", 1927], ["nice", 1943], ["murmur", 1962], ["murmurest", 1962], ["murmurs", 1962], ["help", 1993], ["helpest", 1993], ["without", 2001], ["call", 2009], ["calling", 2009], ["despite", 2057], ["grave", 2067], ["situation", 2077], ["grin", 2086], ["muscle", 2099], ["muscles", 2099], ["tense", 2105], ["hear", 2115], ["hears", 2115], ["low", 2123], ["lowed", 2123], ["voice", 2130], ["voices", 2130], ["talk", 2147], ["talking", 2147], ["beyond", 2156], ["hearing", 2167], ["range", 2173], ["ranged", 2173], ["though", 2182], ["turn", 2191], ["z", 2204], ["zest", 2204], ["silence", 2213], ["silences", 2213], ["mouth", 2248], ["mouthed", 2248], ["everyone", 2261], ["else", 2266], ["fall", 2272], ["falls", 2272], ["run", 2383], ["running", 2383], ["stair", 2397], ["stairs", 2397], ["two", 2408], ["twos", 2408], ["idiotic", 2442], ["bad", 2452], ["fail", 2476], ["failed", 2476], ["test", 2485], ["still", 2496], ["eighteen", 2510], ["eighteens", 2510], ["mean", 2551], ["meanest", 2551], ["legate", 2586], ["scream", 2594], ["screams", 2594], ["aircar", 2609], ["smolder", 2625], ["smoldering", 2625], ["pile", 2630], ["important", 2701], ["thud", 2729], ["follow", 2740], ["followed", 2740], ["thump", 2751], ["thumps", 2751], ["allow", 2800], ["allowed", 2800], ["wonder", 2822], ["wonderest", 2822], ["stumble", 2837], ["stumbled", 2837], ["internal", 2854], ["coup", 2859], ["nod", 2922], ["change", 2940], ["mandate", 2952], ["however", 2962], ["house", 3008], ["blew", 3020], ["blow", 3020], ["blowest", 3020], ["hope", 3035], ["convince", 3052], ["convinced", 3052], ["convincing", 3052], ["survive", 3090], ["survived", 3090], ["attack", 3101], ["sell", 3124], ["sells", 3124], ["story", 3134], ["way", 3157], ["ways", 3157], ["serve", 3171], ["resistance", 3186], ["realize", 3198], ["job", 3219], ["jobbing", 3219], ["lending", 3229], ["credence", 3238], ["disguise", 3257], ["disguising", 3257], ["lean", 3271], ["leans", 3271], ["plan", 3309], ["warning", 3336], ["aim", 3367], ["aimest", 3367], ["aims", 3367], ["heat", 3374], ["heats", 3374], ["heated", 3374], ["sense", 3382], ["sensing", 3382], ["smart", 3388], ["grenade", 3396], ["scramble", 3415], ["smarties", 3429], ["wo", 3432], ["go", 3439], ["goest", 3439], ["lock", 3458], ["locks", 3458], ["onto", 3463], ["ontos", 3463], ["large", 3471], ["source", 3483], ["sat", 3499], ["sit", 3499], ["long", 3510], ["longs", 3510], ["anyone", 3528], ["disarm", 3538], ["get", 3552], ["gets", 3552], ["close", 3563], ["blew", 3574], ["blow", 3574], ["blowest", 3574], ["blows", 3574], ["mobile", 3610], ["mobiles", 3610], ["proximity", 3620], ["mine", 3625], ["squad", 3645], ["mate", 3651], ["mated", 3651], ["mates", 3651], ["fall", 3656], ["falls", 3656], ["behind", 3666], ["slam", 3682], ["door", 3691], ["slam", 3705], ["echo", 3710], ["echoed", 3710], ["nearby", 3717], ["safe", 3744], ["safes", 3744], ["safed", 3744], ["solve", 3777], ["solved", 3777], ["problem", 3791], ["play", 3840], ["playest", 3840], ["soften", 3876], ["softens", 3876], ["explosion", 3902], ["rock", 3908], ["rocks", 3908], ["whole", 3918], ["wholes", 3918], ["upper", 3924], ["hide", 3953], ["hiding", 3953], ["smoke", 3967], ["smokes", 3967], ["position", 3986], ["reach", 4003], ["handle", 4014], ["first", 4046], ["firstest", 4046], ["notice", 4060], ["dead", 4131]]
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somewhere ahead of me-on the other side of the door-a woman screams , and then the sound dwindles into broken sobbing . `` the stairwell 's open . the deep voice commands . `` they 're coming , '' i say , pulling myself together through sheer will . as they press , they fire , keeping us from taking up our former positions for best defense of the high ground . laser strikes bombard the area , all light and heat , burning an already damaged floor . the smoke in the air stings my eyes , but if i lower my helmet visor , i 'll lose some peripheral vision . in close quarters like this , outnumbered , i ca n't afford to be less than my best . i draw my gun and ease forward . though i know loras is just as worried , he whips out his weapon and kicks the door wide . the centurions respond with a barrage of shots until i see light through the thick synth flooring . using it for cover , loras stays low and shoots as the enemy breaches the top of the stairs . zeeka and xirol follow suit , but our concentration is n't tight enough to keep them from pushing . behind me , down the hall , farah kneels with her back to the battle . it 's a total breach of training , but i ca n't blame her ... because she 's cradling her brother 's head in her hands . oh , timmon . his blood stains her armor , her arms , and she rubs her cheek against his , her eyes wild with grief . we have to protect her until she comes back to her right mind . where 's vel ? i wonder desperately . the centurions do n't give a shit about those we 've lost , however . they 've lost brothers tonight , too . if mary 's willing , i 'll kill more . i injure one who falls back , but it 's not a fatal shot . his armor sizzles , and it must burn like hell , but he 's a professional . the centurion levels his gun on me , and i slide forward . his shot hits where i used to be , but now i 'm out of cover . they all train their pistols on me , which was exactly what i hoped they 'd do . that gives the others a few seconds to recover . instead of freezing , i keep rolling , past the broken banister , then i fall . on the way down , they hit me twice ; one shot burns through to my arm . the pain 's excruciating in the first few seconds , then it 's like the nerves are cauterized , so i ca n't feel the damage . that might be typical , or maybe i can thank my nanites . i hit the ground with a thunk . the armor takes some of the impact , though i think i might 've broken a rib . sharp , stabbing agony lances through me as i push upright to stare at a pale , ferret-faced man . his sharp features match the legate 's voice , and he seems groggy as hell , like he ca n't figure out who i am or what he 's doing on the floor next to me . he also has a deep bruise forming on his jaw from where his own men knocked him out . before he can shout , i crack him across the face with my good arm . he sways , then falls over . i should n't hesitate . whether he has a family or a wife who loves him , it does n't matter . yet i fumble my knife for a few seconds , then i sink it into his subclavian artery for a clean kill . overhead , combat continues . more smoke and laser fire . i do n't know how my squad 's faring , but i 'm not out of the action ; a little fall wo n't stop me from kicking some more ass . true , i ca n't fight with my left hand , and i think i dislocated my shoulder , but i can still work the right side . i whip my shock-stick out because my laser pistol requires a steadiness i ca n't bring to bear . between my fear of who died in the explosion , reaction to killing a helpless man , even if he 's an a**hole , and my injuries , i 'm as likely to take out my comrades with friendly fire . i should be able to create some confusion behind the lines , though . moving gingerly , i creep up the staircase , mostly empty now . they 're fighting in the hallway , in the bedrooms , but they left a sentry at the top of the stairs . because of the noise , he does n't hear me coming , so i whack him on the back of the neck . the neural shock does the work , so he falls into convulsions . it feels like a stab wound in my side when i bend to cut his throat , ending the spasms . sparks pop before my eyes when i straighten . okay , maybe i hurt myself more in the fall than i realized . but i just have to push through the pain .
|
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2946], ["wife", 2956], ["love", 2966], ["loves", 2966], ["matter", 2991], ["mattering", 2991], ["yet", 2997], ["fumble", 3006], ["knife", 3015], ["knifes", 3015], ["sank", 3047], ["sink", 3047], ["subclavian", 3070], ["artery", 3077], ["clean", 3089], ["cleans", 3089], ["overhead", 3105], ["combat", 3114], ["continue", 3124], ["continues", 3124], ["squad", 3181], ["action", 3224], ["little", 3235], ["wo", 3243], ["stop", 3252], ["kick", 3268], ["kicking", 3268], ["ass", 3282], ["true", 3289], ["fight", 3306], ["fightest", 3306], ["left", 3319], ["leave", 3319], ["hand", 3324], ["dislocate", 3351], ["dislocated", 3351], ["shoulder", 3363], ["shouldered", 3363], ["still", 3381], ["work", 3386], ["wrought", 3386], ["whip", 3410], ["shock", 3419], ["stick", 3425], ["stickest", 3425], ["pistol", 3453], ["require", 3462], ["requires", 3462], ["steadiness", 3475], ["bring", 3490], ["bore", 3498], ["bear", 3498], ["bearest", 3498], ["fear", 3516], ["fearest", 3516], ["die", 3528], ["died", 3528], ["explosion", 3545], ["reaction", 3556], ["kill", 3567], ["killing", 3567], ["helpless", 3578], ["even", 3589], ["evens", 3589], ["injury", 3627], ["injuries", 3627], ["take", 3652], ["comrade", 3668], ["comraded", 3668], ["comrades", 3668], ["friendly", 3682], ["able", 3706], ["abled", 3706], ["create", 3716], ["confusion", 3731], ["line", 3748], ["lines", 3748], ["move", 3766], ["moving", 3766], ["gingerly", 3775], ["creep", 3785], ["creeps", 3785], ["creeped", 3785], ["staircase", 3802], ["mostly", 3811], ["empty", 3817], ["fight", 3841], ["fightest", 3841], ["hallway", 3856], ["hallways", 3856], ["bedroom", 3874], ["bedrooms", 3874], ["sentry", 3899], ["noise", 3947], ["hear", 3966], ["hears", 3966], ["whack", 3989], ["whacked", 3989], ["neck", 4017], ["necked", 4017], ["neural", 4030], ["convulsion", 4081], ["convulsions", 4081], ["feel", 4092], ["feels", 4092], ["stab", 4104], ["stabs", 4104], ["wind", 4110], ["wound", 4110], ["wounding", 4110], ["bend", 4133], ["bent", 4133], ["cut", 4140], ["throat", 4151], ["end", 4160], ["ends", 4160], ["endest", 4160], ["ending", 4160], ["spasm", 4171], ["spasms", 4171], ["spark", 4180], ["sparking", 4180], ["sparks", 4180], ["pop", 4184], ["straighten", 4217], ["straightened", 4217], ["okay", 4224], ["hurt", 4239], ["hurts", 4239], ["hurting", 4239], ["realize", 4279], ["realized", 4279]]
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the nanites will fix me up . unlike most people , i do n't need a doctor unless i 've lost body parts or major organs . this quality makes me special ... and creepy . the dizziness increases . all right , so maybe i overestimated what i have in reserve . i 'm not strong enough to fight , but i can still help . i get my gun like i 'm not trembling too much to aim it . farther down the hall , i see a couple of centurions hunkered down , exchanging fire with my squad . i shout , `` assholes ! ca n't you kill somebody even when they 're half-dead ? '' reflexively , they wheel and switch targets . someone yells , `` get down , jax ! '' i pitch sideways , not a dodge so much as a fall , but at least this time i land on my good side . still , impact hurts like a bitch , and i close my eyes , fighting hard not to pass out . i really need not to get up for a minute . if those centurions have their way , i never will . there 's no coming back from a missing head , even with nanites . maybe i need to sign a dnr order . or would that be a do not grow a new head order ? i might be hurt worse than i realized . laser fire spatters the ground perilously close to my face , close enough that i breathe in ashes from the seared wood , but the two centurions drop . distracted , they make easier targets for my squad , however many of them are left . i close my eyes just for a few seconds . i 'll fight on in a minute . chapter 33 i wake to movement . there 's a fire in the sky behind me , darkness ahead . i shift to see who 's carrying me and gaze up at vel through blurry eyes . a stone i did n't realize i held drops away . `` i would appreciate it if you did not frighten me again in that fashion . '' he 's speaking ithtorian . which means he wants privacy , or he 's so upset that he forgot to ask his vocalizer to kick in . either way , the others ca n't follow this conversation ; nor do i want them to . my relationship with vel is more intimate than what i share with the rest of the squad . i exhale , testing my side . ca n't tell if it hurts as much as it did earlier . speak ithtorian , i tell my chip . i was worried about you , too , you know . '' `` i did not offer myself as a sacrifice when i could barely stand , '' he bites out . shaking my head , my vision clears enough for me to count the figures moving ahead of us . not eight . we lost two . i demand hoarsely . i 've become friends with farah and bannie . i like xirol , too . please do n't let it be zeeka . and we need loras- `` eller , '' he replies . `` and timmon . '' relief suffuses me , followed immediately by contrition , because eller was a good man ; i remember how he said it would get worse before it got better , and it seems those were prophetic words . timmon was farah 's twin . recollection swamps my foggy brain . in my mind 's eye , i see farah out of her mind with anguish , timmon 's head in her hands . i should be ashamed for being glad , even for a second , that we lost them instead of someone who 's important to me . as i 've learned-and it was hard-i 'm not the center of the universe . guilt silences me . i sense his fierce rage ; i do n't remember when vel was this angry at me , if ever . his faceplate is open , so i touch the hinge of his mandible . few know that it offers pleasurable contact , a hint of familiarity . he pulls my hand away , clicking sharply , `` you will not charm me , sirantha . nor will you soften my censure . '' stung , i chatter back , `` i was comforting you . '' you will not stroke away my wrath . '' strong word , but it fits what he 's feeling . i want to get down ; he should n't have to haul me around when he 's so furious , but i 'd only slow us , and we 've lost enough already . now that vel is n't talking , i hear quiet , hitching gasps from farah . she 's choking back her tears , so she does n't make everyone else uncomfortable . i wish she could sob her heart out , but that luxury has to wait . then i notice a small figure beside loras , no armor . in this weather , she must be freezing . `` tiana 's with us ? '' one word , and he sounds like he 'd rather chew glass than talk to me .
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`` i did n't mean to be a sacrifice . `` do you have any notion how i felt , sirantha ? '' he continues without letting me guess , not that i was going to . `` when the grenade went off , and you were not with me , i feared the worst . and then ... you fell . twice , i lost hope . '' `` then the next time you saw me , i was yelling at the centurions like an idiot . '' `` but in my defense , this is n't the first time . remember the silverfish ? '' back when i first met vel , when he was still hunting me , i wound up on a ship with him and a bunch of morgut . he was using them as muscle before the war . i cut myself and drove them into a frenzy , forcing him to save me . but i did not love you then . '' his casual use of the word underscores the bond between us , echoed in his colors on my throat , mine on his thorax . `` you still saved me . and that 's why i 'm never afraid to leap , no matter how stupid the risk seems . he 'll catch me ; he has my back . he rages in staccato clicks . `` what if i fail ? then you leave me responsible for your death . if you cared for me as much as you claim , sirantha , you would not place such a burden upon me . '' remorse buries me . `` i 'm sorry , white wave . '' the endearment comes easily in ithtorian . '' i wo n't do anything like that again . he goes on , more gently , `` when you gave me your colors , you promised to be my companion . that will not occur , should you perish . there are some wounds , sirantha , that even you can not heal . '' these clicks come even fainter , soft like a human whisper . `` some wounds , i could not recover from , either . '' like losing me . `` what happened after i passed out ? '' `` i will explain everything when we reach the safe house . it is not far , now . '' `` tiana said she knows a place . the legate had it built in case of treachery . '' i smile , despite the lingering pain in my shoulder . the dislocation hurts more than my ribs at the moment . `` good thing for us he was paranoid . '' `` here , '' tiana says in her small , piping voice . from the outside , it looks like a ramshackle outbuilding , similar to la'hengrin homes , but inside , it 's high-tech . the house questions us . `` where is legate flavius ? '' `` here , '' vel replies in a voice i last heard in an expensive restaurant . he must have found comm records ; those are mission critical . it also contents the vi . `` voice print confirmed . '' i 'm glad the legate cheaped out on security and did n't include biometric scans , but doubtless he could n't imagine there would ever be a real enemy on his property . the most he expected to face is treachery in terms of some political alliance , not outright war . loras sends xirol to scout the place . when he returns , he says , `` it 's clear . '' `` this is a small cottage he used for ... various purposes . '' by tiana 's hesitation , i figure the legate brought women here , ones he did n't want inside his primary residence . `` i must remove your armor before i can fix your shoulder , '' vel says . since i do n't have the range of movement to do it myself , i nod . `` i do not wish to hurt you . '' `` sometimes it ca n't be helped . '' as vel carries me up the stairs , tiana asks loras , `` should i fix something for the men to eat ? '' his measured reply hides a charnel house of pain . men died on his watch . you do n't serve us . you 're an ally , not our slave . '' `` it would please me to repay you for my freedom . '' vel chooses a bedroom at random and steps inside , kicking the door shut behind us . pain jolts through me as he sets me on my feet . i sway but do n't fall though the agony that spikes through me when he unstraps my chest piece creates black spots in my vision . i strangle a low moan . `` i am sorry , '' he clicks in ithtorian . with quick efficiency , he removes the rest , leaving it in a careful pile on the chair by the window . then he asks , `` do you want to lie down ? '' `` moving would hurt more , i think . he steps in behind me , positions my elbow , and then rotates my shoulder outward . it hurts like a bitch , but on the second attempt , it pops back into the socket , offering immediate relief . there 's still soreness , of course , but not like before .
|
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3403], ["allied", 3403], ["allying", 3403], ["slave", 3419], ["please", 3443], ["repay", 3455], ["repays", 3455], ["freedom", 3474], ["choose", 3491], ["chooses", 3491], ["bedroom", 3501], ["random", 3511], ["step", 3521], ["steps", 3521], ["kick", 3538], ["kicking", 3538], ["door", 3547], ["shut", 3552], ["behind", 3559], ["jolt", 3575], ["jolted", 3575], ["jolts", 3575], ["set", 3597], ["sets", 3597], ["foot", 3611], ["feet", 3611], ["sway", 3620], ["swayed", 3620], ["fall", 3636], ["falls", 3636], ["though", 3643], ["agony", 3653], ["spike", 3665], ["spiking", 3665], ["spikes", 3665], ["unstrap", 3693], ["unstraps", 3693], ["chest", 3702], ["piece", 3708], ["pieced", 3708], ["create", 3716], ["creates", 3716], ["black", 3722], ["spot", 3728], ["spots", 3728], ["vision", 3741], ["strangle", 3754], ["strangles", 3754], ["low", 3760], ["lowed", 3760], ["moan", 3765], ["moans", 3765], ["moanest", 3765], ["quick", 3822], ["efficiency", 3833], ["remove", 3846], ["removes", 3846], ["rest", 3855], ["left", 3865], ["leave", 3865], ["leaving", 3865], ["careful", 3881], ["pile", 3886], ["chair", 3899], ["chairing", 3899], ["window", 3913], ["windows", 3913], ["lay", 3952], ["lie", 3952], ["lain", 3952], ["move", 3972], ["moving", 3972], ["think", 3998], ["thinkest", 3998], ["position", 4034], ["positions", 4034], ["elbow", 4043], ["elbowing", 4043], ["rotate", 4062], ["rotates", 4062], ["outward", 4082], ["bitch", 4106], ["second", 4126], ["seconded", 4126], ["attempt", 4134], ["pop", 4144], ["pops", 4144], ["socket", 4165], ["offer", 4176], ["immediate", 4186], ["relief", 4193], ["reliefs", 4193], ["soreness", 4219], ["course", 4231]]
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i moan a little , tears starting in my eyes . the nanites will fix the damage soon , but this helps . i can bear it . he examines the two places where i 've been shot ; the flesh is black right now , with a hint of red beneath . i say with a touch of bitterness . `` that does not mean you do not suffer . '' he 's still behind me , one hand on my elbow , the other on my shoulder . it 's an intimate pose . if i turned , i 'd be in his arms . `` you said you 'd fill me in after we got here ? '' we interrupted a scheme to overthrow their prince . the two legates had hatched a plot together , but our arrival made the other believe that legate flavius had betrayed him . '' `` lured him there to die , you mean ? '' that explained the legate 's shrill terror . `` how does that help us ? '' `` in the morning , after i have a chance to complete the camouflage , i will signal for rescue . in the capital , i will show proof of the other legate 's treachery . '' `` which will endear you to the prince . '' this is far better than anything we could 've planned using the centurion . though legate flavius was a minor official before , vel can parlay this opportunity into greater power . with him on the inside , we 'll have access to all kinds of information , such as weapon caches and troop movements , just what the resistance needs to break the imperial war machine ; like all invaders , they 'll lose the will to continue sooner or later . `` that is the plan , '' he agrees . `` did we blow the house ? '' `` zeeka took great pleasure in it . '' a pang goes through me ; we left our fallen behind . chapter 34 i step away . `` you 'd better get to it , then . it will take most of the night to perfect your disguise , so you can slide into the legate 's life . '' but he does n't let me . his talons close gently on my upper arms . `` when i thought you had died , sirantha , i realized i had not been completely honest with you . or myself . '' `` before , i said i was not ready to put myself at the center of your world and become responsible for your happiness . '' `` but it seems you are already at the center of mine . i laughed at the idea that i would demand march step aside for me ... because i do not see associations as humans do . and i do not seek to interfere in your other relationships . that much is true ... but tonight made it clear how important you are ... and how horrifying my future appears without you . '' this does n't seem like that much of a revelation . `` i already knew i matter to you , vel . you would n't have taken my colors if i did n't . '' `` i am not making myself clear . '' `` imagine my death . '' the clicks are curt , merciless , and they summon an instant mental picture . on the maker homeworld , i almost lost him , and i glimpsed the future without him . a hole opened up inside me that could never be filled , no matter who else i met or loved . is that what he faced tonight ? `` i went through this when you fell in the catacombs . '' `` how do you bear it ? i feel as if fear will paralyze me . '' `` did n't you worry about adele ? '' this ca n't be wholly new to him . `` not in the same fashion . she lived a quiet life , full of normal hazards . you court danger like it is your lover . '' `` yeah , if you wanted someone safe , you picked the wrong person to bond with . '' `` you say that as if i had a choice . '' maybe i should be insulted , but i totally get it . sometimes , people matter , and you do n't even notice it happening until they 're inside your emotional perimeter . `` stop being so reckless . show a little self-preservation . '' he pauses , his clicks slowing . `` come here , sirantha . '' vel draws me close , rubbing the side of his face against my cheek , a tender gesture . this time , when i touch the hinge of his mandible , he does n't snarl at me . for long moments , we stand like this while he adapts his worldview . for once , i knew something before vel . `` i already promised i 'll dial it down . you 're right ... it 's not fair of me to expect you to be everywhere . '' `` however , i am touched you have that much faith in me , '' he clicks quietly . `` you 're incredible , you know . it 's hard not to believe you have superpowers . '' `` only compared to everyone else . '' the cant of his head and the flare of his mandible reveal his amusement , so i laugh .
|
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2762], ["lose", 2767], ["lost", 2767], ["glimpse", 2788], ["glimpses", 2788], ["glimpsed", 2788], ["hole", 2820], ["open", 2827], ["opened", 2827], ["never", 2857], ["fill", 2867], ["fills", 2867], ["filled", 2867], ["else", 2888], ["meet", 2894], ["meeted", 2894], ["met", 2894], ["love", 2903], ["loved", 2903], ["face", 2927], ["faced", 2927], ["go", 2947], ["goest", 2947], ["went", 2947], ["fall", 2974], ["falls", 2974], ["fell", 2974], ["catacomb", 2991], ["catacombs", 2991], ["feel", 3027], ["fear", 3038], ["fearest", 3038], ["paralyze", 3052], ["paralyzed", 3052], ["worry", 3081], ["worried", 3081], ["adele", 3093], ["ca", 3106], ["cas", 3106], ["wholly", 3120], ["new", 3124], ["fashion", 3160], ["fashioned", 3160], ["live", 3172], ["lived", 3172], ["quiet", 3180], ["full", 3192], ["normal", 3202], ["hazard", 3210], ["hazards", 3210], ["court", 3222], ["courting", 3222], ["courtest", 3222], ["danger", 3229], ["lover", 3251], ["yeah", 3264], ["safe", 3293], ["safes", 3293], 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3900], ["adapts", 3900], ["worldview", 3914], ["worldviews", 3914], ["promise", 3979], ["promised", 3979], ["dial", 3990], ["fair", 4033], ["fairs", 4033], ["fairest", 4033], ["expect", 4049], ["everywhere", 4070], ["however", 4086], ["touch", 4101], ["touching", 4101], ["touched", 4101], ["faith", 4126], ["faiths", 4126], ["quietly", 4155], ["incredible", 4179], ["know", 4190], ["knowest", 4190], ["hard", 4203], ["superpower", 4239], ["superpowers", 4239], ["compare", 4261], ["compared", 4261], ["everyone", 4273], ["head", 4304], ["flare", 4318], ["reveal", 4341], ["amusement", 4355], ["laugh", 4368]]
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`` i 'm glad you 're not getting cocky on me . '' `` it is no more than reasonable confidence . '' at the sound of boots on the stairs , i pull back and head for the door . the movement jars residual pain from shoulder and ribs , but the nanites are already hard at work . `` i 'll let you get to work . '' `` if it would not repulse you , i prefer you to stay . '' i turn , surprised pleasure curling through me . though he 's done this in front of me before , in the jungle on the maker homeworld , it was n't like i could give him privacy ; we had to stay close . this feels like a milestone , an unlocking of the last door between us , more secret than sex . he spreads his talons in an uncertain gesture . `` i am not a good judge of what humans find repellent . '' `` i 've seen you do this before . '' `` not by choice , '' he replies . it was cold , as i recall , and he needed the camouflage for warmth . vel settles in the chair by the window . thin fingers of light press in through the glass , illuminating his work . the gaps between the chitin-the seams where he can feel a lover 's touch-fill with the material he uses for the faux-skin . he shapes with artist 's hands . the substance is fluid , but thick , and it sets quickly , so he has to work fast . it takes a couple of hours for him to finish . i 'm fascinated by how he creates the eyes and hair , a sort of biological programming that humans are n't evolved enough to emulate . otherwise , we 'd be able to change our hair and eye color by willing it so . perhaps someday , a few more rungs up the ladder . i study his handheld , displaying an image of legate flavius , then compare it to vel 's new face . he 's got a lean look with an aquiline nose and a strong jaw . it 's a cruel mien , set in the lines of a man who thinks only of his own pleasure and his own advancement . legate flavius looks like the bastard he was . vel is also a dead ringer for him . `` you nailed it , '' i say . `` how long did you study him ? '' `` loras permitted me to examine the corpse extensively while he searched the comm for clues about what we 'd interrupted . '' most people would probably find that disgusting . instead , i ask , `` did you make a note of all the birthmarks ? '' `` i 'm guessing flavius is single ? '' vel has been stealing other people 's lives for turns . he 's experienced at it , and it 's for the best he 's going in alone . i just wish it did n't tie me up in knots . a knock sounds , then loras asks , `` vel , are you ready ? '' `` yes , '' he calls in universal . legate flavius . his vocalizer is a wondrous thing . loras has some clothes , probably from a master bedroom down the hall . this one is n't grand enough to be used for his various assignations . for vel 's sake , i hope flavius was n't too much of a degenerate . he 'll hate debauching countless women as part of his cover . `` get dressed , '' loras orders . `` the rest of us will move out shortly . we ca n't be in the vicinity when you call for rescue . between tiana 's help and the comm logs i forwarded , you should be able to pass . '' `` so the girl goes with me ? '' `` she can smooth any rough patches , give clues while you settle into his life . '' that 's why he wanted me to stay . this is good-bye , at least for a little while . i ca n't read the legate 's face though i know vel watches me from behind those eyes . i 've often wondered how he makes the connection between his eyes and the human ones , or whether it 's like a mirrored window , so we see color on this side , but it 's all clear-the same view as he always has from behind them . this is n't the time to ask . loras turns his eyes on me , blasted in their blueness like a sky in the mountains just before nightfall , arid and untouchable . `` are you fit to march ? '' in fact , my injuries are the least of my worries . `` you have five minutes to wrap up , '' loras says in parting . vel dresses efficiently ; he is experienced in human attire . he 's slid in and out of so many lives . `` i do n't know what to say , '' i whisper . this feels like when he went off to command the ithtorian fleet , only a thousand times worse , because he wo n't have warships at his fingertips . this time , he only has his own ingenuity and the help of a frightened servant .
|
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["spreads", 673], ["talon", 684], ["talons", 684], ["uncertain", 700], ["gesture", 708], ["good", 729], ["judge", 735], ["human", 750], ["humans", 750], ["find", 755], ["repellent", 765], ["see", 784], ["seen", 784], ["choice", 825], ["reply", 841], ["cold", 855], ["recall", 869], ["recallest", 869], ["need", 885], ["needest", 885], ["needed", 885], ["camouflage", 900], ["warmth", 911], ["vel", 917], ["settle", 925], ["settles", 925], ["chair", 938], ["chairing", 938], ["window", 952], ["windows", 952], ["thin", 959], ["thins", 959], ["finger", 967], ["fingers", 967], ["lit", 976], ["light", 976], ["press", 982], ["glass", 1003], ["illuminate", 1018], ["illuminating", 1018], ["gap", 1038], ["gaps", 1038], ["gapping", 1038], ["chitin", 1057], ["seam", 1067], ["seams", 1067], ["seamest", 1067], ["feel", 1085], ["lover", 1093], ["touch", 1102], ["touching", 1102], ["fill", 1107], ["fills", 1107], ["material", 1125], ["use", 1133], ["uses", 1133], ["faux", 1146], ["skin", 1151], ["shape", 1163], ["shapes", 1163], ["artist", 1175], ["hand", 1184], ["hands", 1184], ["substance", 1200], ["fluid", 1209], ["thick", 1221], ["thickest", 1221], ["set", 1235], ["sets", 1235], ["quickly", 1243], ["fast", 1268], ["take", 1279], ["takes", 1279], ["couple", 1288], ["hour", 1297], ["hours", 1297], ["finish", 1315], ["fascinate", 1333], ["fascinated", 1333], ["create", 1351], ["creates", 1351], ["eye", 1360], ["eyed", 1360], ["eyes", 1360], ["hair", 1369], ["sort", 1378], ["biological", 1392], ["programming", 1404], ["evolve", 1432], ["evolved", 1432], ["enough", 1439], ["emulate", 1450], ["otherwise", 1462], ["able", 1478], ["abled", 1478], ["change", 1488], ["eye", 1505], ["eyed", 1505], ["color", 1511], ["perhaps", 1538], ["someday", 1546], ["rung", 1565], ["rungs", 1565], ["ladder", 1579], ["laddered", 1579], ["study", 1589], ["handheld", 1602], ["display", 1615], ["displaying", 1615], ["image", 1624], ["imaged", 1624], ["imaging", 1624], ["legate", 1634], ["compare", 1657], ["new", 1674], ["face", 1679], ["get", 1691], ["got", 1691], ["lean", 1698], ["leans", 1698], ["look", 1703], ["aquiline", 1720], ["nose", 1725], ["nosed", 1725], ["nosing", 1725], ["strong", 1738], ["jaw", 1742], ["jaws", 1742], ["jawed", 1742], ["jawest", 1742], ["cruel", 1758], ["mien", 1763], ["set", 1769], ["line", 1782], ["lines", 1782], ["man", 1791], ["mans", 1791], ["manned", 1791], ["think", 1802], ["thinkest", 1802], ["thinks", 1802], ["advancement", 1851], ["look", 1874], ["looks", 1874], ["bastard", 1891], ["also", 1912], ["dead", 1919], ["ringer", 1926], ["nail", 1950], ["nailed", 1950], ["say", 1964], ["sayest", 1964], ["long", 1978], ["longs", 1978], ["lora", 2010], ["permit", 2020], ["permits", 2020], ["permitted", 2020], ["examine", 2034], ["corpse", 2045], ["extensively", 2057], ["search", 2075], ["searched", 2075], ["comm", 2084], ["clue", 2094], ["clues", 2094], ["interrupt", 2123], ["interruptest", 2123], ["interrupted", 2123], ["people", 2140], ["probably", 2155], ["disgust", 2176], ["disgusting", 2176], ["instead", 2186], ["ask", 2194], ["note", 2219], ["birthmark", 2241], ["birthmarks", 2241], ["guess", 2263], ["guessing", 2263], ["single", 2281], ["stole", 2308], ["steal", 2308], ["stealing", 2308], ["life", 2330], ["lifes", 2330], ["lives", 2330], ["turn", 2340], ["turns", 2340], ["experience", 2360], ["experienced", 2360], ["good", 2391], ["best", 2391], ["go", 2403], ["goest", 2403], ["going", 2403], ["alone", 2412], ["wish", 2426], ["tie", 2441], ["tying", 2441], ["tieing", 2441], ["knot", 2456], ["knotted", 2456], ["knots", 2456], ["knock", 2466], ["knocks", 2466], ["knockest", 2466], ["sound", 2473], ["sounds", 2473], ["ask", 2491], ["asks", 2491], ["ready", 2516], ["yes", 2528], ["call", 2542], ["calls", 2542], ["universal", 2555], ["vocalizer", 2588], ["wondrous", 2602], ["thing", 2608], ["clad", 2633], ["clothe", 2633], ["clothes", 2633], ["master", 2658], ["bedroom", 2666], ["hall", 2680], ["grand", 2704], ["use", 2722], ["used", 2722], ["various", 2738], ["assignation", 2751], ["assignations", 2751], ["sake", 2769], ["sakes", 2769], ["hope", 2778], ["much", 2803], ["degenerate", 2819], ["degeneratest", 2819], ["hate", 2833], ["hateed", 2833], ["debauch", 2844], ["debauchest", 2844], ["debauching", 2844], ["countless", 2854], ["woman", 2860], ["womans", 2860], ["women", 2860], ["part", 2868], ["parting", 2868], ["cover", 2881], ["order", 2916], ["orderest", 2916], ["orders", 2916], ["rest", 2930], ["move", 2946], ["shortly", 2958], ["ca", 2966], ["cas", 2966], ["vicinity", 2989], ["call", 3003], ["rescue", 3014], ["help", 3038], ["helpest", 3038], ["forward", 3068], ["forwarding", 3068], ["forwardest", 3068], ["forwarded", 3068], ["pass", 3097], ["girl", 3117], ["go", 3122], ["goest", 3122], ["goes", 3122], ["smooth", 3153], ["rough", 3163], ["roughs", 3163], ["roughing", 3163], ["roughest", 3163], ["patch", 3171], ["patching", 3171], ["patches", 3171], ["settle", 3201], ["life", 3215], ["lifes", 3215], ["bye", 3272], ["byes", 3272], ["least", 3283], ["leastest", 3283], ["little", 3296], ["read", 3318], ["reads", 3318], ["know", 3351], ["knowest", 3351], ["watch", 3363], ["watches", 3363], ["behind", 3378], ["often", 3403], ["wonder", 3412], ["wonderest", 3412], ["wondered", 3412], ["connection", 3440], ["human", 3471], ["whether", 3489], ["mirror", 3511], ["mirrored", 3511], ["see", 3530], ["side", 3549], ["sidest", 3549], ["clear", 3571], ["clearest", 3571], ["view", 3585], ["viewest", 3585], ["always", 3598], ["time", 3642], ["blast", 3688], ["blasted", 3688], ["blueness", 3706], ["sky", 3717], ["mountain", 3734], ["mountains", 3734], ["nightfall", 3756], ["arid", 3763], ["untouchable", 3779], ["fit", 3796], ["fitting", 3796], ["march", 3805], ["marching", 3805], ["fact", 3818], ["injury", 3832], ["injuries", 3832], ["worry", 3860], ["worried", 3860], ["worries", 3860], ["five", 3879], ["fived", 3879], ["minute", 3887], ["minutes", 3887], ["wrap", 3895], ["wraps", 3895], ["wrapping", 3895], ["say", 3914], ["sayest", 3914], ["says", 3914], ["part", 3925], ["parting", 3925], ["dress", 3939], ["dressest", 3939], ["dresses", 3939], ["efficiently", 3951], ["attire", 3987], ["slid", 4000], ["many", 4022], ["whisper", 4074], ["go", 4105], ["goest", 4105], ["went", 4105], ["command", 4120], ["fleet", 4140], ["fleeting", 4140], ["thousand", 4158], ["time", 4164], ["times", 4164], ["bad", 4170], ["worse", 4170], ["wo", 4186], ["warship", 4204], ["warships", 4204], ["fingertip", 4222], ["fingertips", 4222], ["ingenuity", 4266], ["servant", 4303]]
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how i wish i could slip into a new skin as easily he does , but even if i could , that would n't help him . he needs tiana 's inside knowledge of how the legate 's household functions . `` how about 'i will see you soon ' ? '' `` but is that true ? '' `` i intend for it to be so . how much would you give to be with me , sirantha ? '' for a few startled seconds , i 'm not sure what he means , what he 's asking . i leap to the human interpretation of be with me , but this is vel . therefore , he 's talking about the mission . `` i 'd feel a lot better if i could watch your back . '' `` from what i have gleaned from his private correspondence-and a few formal reprimands-the legate spread his attentions far and wide . that will be ... awkward for me to maintain , at length . '' `` so you want me to play significant other , once you have a chance to sell the story that he 's met someone ? i do n't think that would work . my face is too well-known- '' `` yes , '' he says . are you willing to give it up ? '' the question sends a shock through me . i 'm not beautiful , but i am comfortable in this skin . changing my face would leave me with a stranger in the mirror . i hesitate , considering all the factors in play . part of me is loath to sacrifice my identity even for vel , but another half thinks this might be a fresh start . there would be no more paparazzi , no more people on news net following my every move . for the first time in ten turns , it would mean privacy . `` would cosmetic surgery even work on me ? '' `` the nanites repair damage ... they are not programmed to safeguard your appearance . so theoretically , they should speed your recovery , not impede superficial changes . '' `` theoretically , '' i repeat wryly . a new face would change everything ... but if i 'm offered the choice between helping vel and wondering if he 's all right , then i 'll do whatever it takes to back him up . mary knows how march will feel , but it 's not like i can ask him , and i would n't even if i could . this is my decision , my body . i hope he can adapt to the change ; but if he loves me , not my skin and bone , then it should n't matter . he 'll adjust . no matter what i look like , i 'll be the same person . `` you discussed this with loras ? '' `` he knows someone in the city willing to do the work . '' `` what 's involved ? i mean , how long will it take , how much will it hurt ... ? '' i grin , but the truth is , doctors give me the shivers these days . i 'm always afraid they 'll lock me up and run experiments . `` everything is done with sonic shapers , some minimal laser work . there will be some pain and swelling , but you could expect to resume a normal routine within forty-eight hours . perhaps less , depending on how your nanites respond . '' taking a deep breath , i make the decision . if you need me , i 'm there , whatever face i have to wear . '' `` thank you , sirantha . loras will explain further . '' i back out of the room , taking care with my injuries , and navigate the steps with utmost caution . everyone else has assembled downstairs . farah sits on a chair with her hands folded in her lap , eyes still red and swollen . the squad seems subdued , each dealing with loss in his or her own fashion . xirol glances up at my approach . `` glad we did n't lose you , jax . '' i 'm about to make some smart-ass remark to break the tension , but i think better of it . some things ca n't be dissolved with a joke . so i just incline my head . i do n't sit down because it would hurt getting back up again . my pack will sting going over my shoulders , but it ca n't be helped . i 'll march out of here along with everyone else even if it kills me . from : e_l to : [ recipient_encrypted ] comm code 18.255.91.23.88 i have the information you requested ; it should permit you to plan with greater efficiency . things progress well in the capital . i have planted several rumors that i expect to bear fruit within the next two months . the resulting scandals will weaken the nobility 's faith in one another . it is most amusing to watch them chase their tails , seeking traitors and conspirators among their most loyal . sometimes , conversely , the legates take the most steadfast refusal to break as indication of certain guilt . how are things at base ? for obvious reason , i will not be returning before the cessation of hostilities . you must be feeling trapped , given your history and current custodial obligations . feel free to disregard the question if it is too personal .
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["reprimandest", 675], ["reprimands", 675], ["spread", 693], ["attention", 708], ["attentions", 708], ["far", 712], ["wide", 721], ["awkward", 748], ["maintain", 767], ["maintains", 767], ["maintainest", 767], ["length", 779], ["play", 810], ["playest", 810], ["significant", 822], ["chance", 853], ["chanced", 853], ["chancing", 853], ["sell", 861], ["sells", 861], ["story", 871], ["meet", 886], ["meeted", 886], ["met", 886], ["think", 911], ["thinkest", 911], ["work", 927], ["wrought", 927], ["face", 937], ["well", 949], ["wells", 949], ["yes", 966], ["say", 979], ["sayest", 979], ["says", 979], ["willing", 997], ["question", 1029], ["send", 1035], ["sends", 1035], ["shock", 1043], ["beautiful", 1075], ["beautifulest", 1075], ["comfortable", 1098], ["change", 1122], ["changing", 1122], ["left", 1142], ["leave", 1142], ["stranger", 1161], ["mirror", 1175], ["hesitate", 1188], ["consider", 1202], ["considering", 1202], ["factor", 1218], ["factored", 1218], ["factors", 1218], ["part", 1233], ["parting", 1233], ["loath", 1248], ["sacrifice", 1261], ["identity", 1273], ["another", 1300], ["half", 1305], ["think", 1312], ["thinkest", 1312], ["thinks", 1312], ["may", 1323], ["mays", 1323], ["mayest", 1323], ["might", 1323], ["fresh", 1334], ["freshest", 1334], ["start", 1340], ["paparazzo", 1375], ["people", 1392], ["news", 1400], ["newses", 1400], ["net", 1404], ["follow", 1414], ["following", 1414], ["every", 1423], ["move", 1428], ["first", 1444], ["firstest", 1444], ["time", 1449], ["ten", 1456], ["turn", 1462], ["turns", 1462], ["mean", 1478], ["meanest", 1478], ["privacy", 1486], ["cosmetic", 1506], ["surgery", 1514], ["surgeries", 1514], ["nanite", 1550], ["nanites", 1550], ["repair", 1557], ["damage", 1564], ["damaging", 1564], ["program", 1592], ["programmed", 1592], ["safeguard", 1605], ["safeguarding", 1605], ["appearance", 1621], ["theoretically", 1640], ["speed", 1660], ["speeding", 1660], ["recovery", 1674], ["impede", 1687], ["superficial", 1699], ["change", 1707], ["changes", 1707], ["repeat", 1743], ["repeatest", 1743], ["wryly", 1749], ["change", 1775], ["everything", 1786], ["offer", 1810], ["offered", 1810], ["choice", 1821], ["help", 1837], ["helpest", 1837], ["helping", 1837], ["wonder", 1855], ["wonderest", 1855], ["wondering", 1855], ["right", 1874], ["rightest", 1874], ["whatever", 1899], ["take", 1908], ["takes", 1908], ["mary", 1930], ["marys", 1930], ["know", 1936], ["knowest", 1936], ["knows", 1936], ["march", 1946], ["marching", 1946], ["like", 1977], ["ask", 1987], ["decision", 2047], ["body", 2057], ["bodied", 2057], ["hope", 2066], ["adapt", 2079], ["adapts", 2079], ["love", 2111], ["loves", 2111], ["bone", 2137], ["bonest", 2137], ["matter", 2165], ["mattering", 2165], ["adjust", 2181], ["look", 2205], ["person", 2237], ["discuss", 2256], ["discusses", 2256], ["discussest", 2256], ["discussed", 2256], ["lora", 2272], ["city", 2309], ["involve", 2357], ["involved", 2357], ["long", 2377], ["longs", 2377], ["take", 2390], ["hurt", 2414], ["hurts", 2414], ["hurting", 2414], ["grin", 2430], ["truth", 2446], ["doctor", 2459], ["doctorest", 2459], ["doctoring", 2459], ["doctors", 2459], ["shiver", 2479], ["shivering", 2479], ["shivers", 2479], ["day", 2490], ["days", 2490], ["always", 2504], ["afraid", 2511], ["lock", 2525], ["run", 2539], ["experiment", 2551], ["experiments", 2551], ["sonic", 2586], ["sonics", 2586], ["shaper", 2594], ["shapers", 2594], ["minimal", 2609], ["laser", 2615], ["pain", 2646], ["swelling", 2659], ["expect", 2682], ["resume", 2692], ["normal", 2701], ["routine", 2709], ["routined", 2709], ["within", 2716], ["forty", 2722], ["eight", 2728], ["hour", 2734], ["hours", 2734], ["perhaps", 2744], ["less", 2749], ["depend", 2761], ["depending", 2761], ["respond", 2789], ["respondest", 2789], ["take", 2801], ["taking", 2801], ["deep", 2808], ["deeply", 2808], ["breath", 2815], ["breathest", 2815], ["need", 2851], ["needest", 2851], ["wear", 2898], ["thank", 2912], ["thanks", 2912], ["thankest", 2912], ["explain", 2948], ["far", 2956], ["room", 2984], ["roomed", 2984], ["care", 2998], ["injury", 3015], ["injuries", 3015], ["navigate", 3030], ["navigated", 3030], ["navigates", 3030], ["step", 3040], ["steps", 3040], ["utmost", 3052], ["caution", 3060], ["cautioning", 3060], ["everyone", 3071], ["else", 3076], ["assemble", 3090], ["assembles", 3090], ["assembled", 3090], ["downstairs", 3101], ["sat", 3114], ["sit", 3114], ["sits", 3114], ["chair", 3125], ["chairing", 3125], ["hand", 3140], ["hands", 3140], ["fold", 3147], ["folded", 3147], ["lap", 3158], ["laps", 3158], ["lapping", 3158], ["eye", 3165], ["eyed", 3165], ["eyes", 3165], ["still", 3171], ["red", 3175], ["squad", 3199], ["seem", 3205], ["seeming", 3205], ["seems", 3205], ["subdue", 3213], ["subdued", 3213], ["deal", 3228], ["dealing", 3228], ["loss", 3238], ["fashion", 3264], ["fashioned", 3264], ["glance", 3280], ["glances", 3280], ["approach", 3298], ["approaches", 3298], ["glad", 3308], ["lose", 3324], ["jax", 3334], ["smart", 3369], ["ass", 3373], ["remark", 3380], ["remarkest", 3380], ["remarking", 3380], ["break", 3389], ["broke", 3389], ["tension", 3401], ["thing", 3442], ["things", 3442], ["ca", 3445], ["cas", 3445], ["dissolve", 3462], ["dissolved", 3462], ["joke", 3474], ["jokes", 3474], ["incline", 3494], ["inclines", 3494], ["head", 3502], ["sat", 3517], ["sit", 3517], ["get", 3552], ["getting", 3552], ["pack", 3576], ["ste", 3587], ["stes", 3587], ["sting", 3587], ["go", 3593], ["goest", 3593], ["going", 3593], ["shoulder", 3611], ["shouldered", 3611], ["shoulders", 3611], ["help", 3637], ["helpest", 3637], ["helped", 3637], ["along", 3669], ["kill", 3705], ["kills", 3705], ["comm", 3755], ["code", 3760], ["information", 3799], ["request", 3813], ["requestest", 3813], ["requested", 3813], ["permit", 3832], ["permits", 3832], ["plan", 3844], ["great", 3857], ["efficiency", 3868], ["progress", 3886], ["capital", 3906], ["plant", 3923], ["planted", 3923], ["several", 3931], ["rumor", 3938], ["rumors", 3938], ["bore", 3960], ["bear", 3960], ["bearest", 3960], ["fruit", 3966], ["next", 3982], ["two", 3986], ["twos", 3986], ["month", 3993], ["months", 3993], ["result", 4009], ["resultest", 4009], ["resulting", 4009], ["scandal", 4018], ["scandals", 4018], ["weaken", 4030], ["nobility", 4043], ["faith", 4052], ["faiths", 4052], ["amusing", 4088], ["chase", 4108], ["tail", 4120], ["tailed", 4120], ["tails", 4120], ["seek", 4130], ["seeking", 4130], ["traitor", 4139], ["traitors", 4139], ["conspirator", 4156], ["conspirators", 4156], ["among", 4162], ["loyal", 4179], ["conversely", 4204], ["legate", 4218], ["legates", 4218], ["steadfast", 4242], ["refusal", 4250], ["indication", 4273], ["certain", 4284], ["guilt", 4290], ["guilts", 4290], ["base", 4315], ["basest", 4315], ["obvious", 4329], ["reason", 4336], ["reasonest", 4336], ["return", 4362], ["returnest", 4362], ["returning", 4362], ["cessation", 4383], ["hostility", 4398], 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i 'm possessed of inveterate curiosity , my partner would say , and sometimes i do n't know when to mind my own business . of course , that 's how i ended up in a relationship , too , so maybe he would n't object . e. l. from : m to : [ recipient_encrypted ] comm code [ message bouncing ; multiple relays . ultimate destination unknown ] thanks for the intel . i 've scheduled four new strikes . for obvious reasons , i 'm not putting any information about our targets on the bounce . but if you 're as good as people say you are , then you already know what i intend to do and how i 'll deploy our troops . if i ever get out of the base , i 'll look for hints of your handiwork on the bounce . it 's frustrating because we 're completely off the grid , dependent on information you feed us , then i 'm responsible for disseminating it to the men in the field . i have help , of course , so i 'm not carrying the weight alone , but still , it 's more than i wanted . i came here for a vacation , for mary 's sake . as far as my custodial obligation , he 's a pain in the ass . the kid 's determined to make my life hell because i would n't let him ship out with everyone else . and yeah , i 'm feeling trapped . the work helps . i feel guilty because i 'm looking forward to the kid 's birthday , as i promised to let him join up , then . it also means i can get out in the field again . i probably should n't be so relieved to start killing again , as that never leads me anywhere good . but i 'm also worried about our mutual acquaintance . she has a way of finding trouble , does n't she ? if it 's not too much of a security risk , maybe you could update me on how she 's doing the next time you send a report my way ? thanks in advance . m. p.s . i do n't mind your curiosity . chapter 35 six days later , i 'm sitting with xirol in a black-market medical facility . the place is clean , though not fancy . plain block walls have been painted institutional gray , and the equipment , a bit battered and scarred , has seen better days . the doctor is a nondescript man with shorn hair and a quiet manner . my injuries have healed , so far as i can tell . even the twinges are gone . in a few seconds , the equipment validates this expert self-diagnosis . i do have scars where i was shot , but the nanites will take care of those in time . they do n't tolerate imperfections in the body they 're maintaining , which makes it pretty ironic that they ended up inside someone as flawed as me . `` you 're in top shape , '' the doctor says . `` that 's not what i heard , '' xirol jokes . `` are they passing around nak*d pictures of me again ? '' the doctor looks marginally interested in xirol 's reply . `` nah , just topless ones . '' then the doc gets down to business . he does n't call me by name because he does n't know it . i have no idea who he is , either , except he 's willing to turn me into somebody else . i can tell he 's not native from his features . my best guess is , he 's disgruntled nicuan , looking for payback on those who cast him in disfavor over some petty politicking . he 's taking my money through a complex circuit of intermediaries . officially , it 'll look like i donated these credits to charity . `` i 've examined the stills , '' the doc says . `` and created a composite of the ideal feminine face , based on the accumulated data of the target 's preferences . '' `` this should be good , '' xirol mutters . the doctor activates a screen built into the wall , and the image appears . i stare at her , thinking , this will be me . nothing about her says jax . her features are fine and delicate , with a small , pert nose and pointed chin . her eyes are almond-shaped and slightly tilted at the corners , giving her a feline air . only her lips have anything in common with mine , full and long , but shaped into a kissable bow . `` she 's beautiful , '' i say . xirol stares at the screen . `` why , because i 'll be so different ? '' `` no , because you 'll look la'hengrin . '' he 's right , i realize . the fine features and the shape of the eyes are right , but since the doc 's created a composite , i 'll look even more native , the epitome of all feminine la'hengrin qualities . yet she 's not me . it should n't matter , giving up this so-recognizable face , yet it does , a little .
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since vel needs me to explain the change in the legate 's behavior , i 'll do it , no question . i did n't expect it to bother me at all . but i 've been jax so long that i clutch over giving up my identity , even for vel . then i set aside my reservations . xirol shakes his head . `` look , i know you have a thing for me , but you 're just gon na have to accept that it can never be . '' `` alas , i know . you and bannie , right ? '' to my surprise , color washes his handsome face . the doctor is n't interested in wasting time . `` you have the choice between red hair and blond . '' with a few taps on his handheld , the screen responds , splits , showing me what the woman looks like with both colors . i ask xirol . `` if i say i like redheads better , will you tell loras i 'm after farah ? '' `` what would bannie say ? she 's a brunette . '' `` brunette is n't a choice on the table , '' he points out . i glance at the surgeon . `` break it down for me . i 've always had dark hair . '' `` well , 45 percent of the legate 's companions have been redheads ; 55 percent were blondes . '' `` so he likes both . no brunettes ? '' he likes them young , too , so you 'll need a course of rejuvenex along with the procedure . '' anger sparks through me . these days , i do n't age much , or at least , not like other people . now i have to reverse the turns i 've already earned ? i like my laugh lines and little crow's-feet . they give me character . when i get this new face , this smooth , young face , nobody will ever take me seriously again . and march ? he 'll hate this so much . i already look fifteen turns younger . people will think he 's a dirty old man . granted , in this day and age , it can be hard to tell how old someone truly is . i knew a couple with a seventy-turn age difference between them , and it truly was n't noticeable . xirol grins . `` this must be a dream come true for a withered old thing like you . '' `` fine , '' i mutter , realizing they 're waiting for a reply . the doc arches a brow . `` you seem displeased . most women would love a fresh start . the rejuvenex will perk everything up , tighten your skin- '' `` i know how it works . '' obviously , he does n't understand my complaint , so he asks , `` what about your hair ? i do n't handle that aspect myself , but i can have an esthetician come in . there is one i trust . '' frankly , i do n't give a rat 's ass . i want to keep my hair . i have n't been this upset since i had to shave it all off . but that wo n't work . my coarse , curly hair does n't suit this face . but otherwise , i do n't know what i 'm talking about ; let 's be honest . aloud , i wonder , `` maybe i could combine the two . red with pale streaks ? strawberry blond ? '' `` red with pale streaks would be hot . '' clearly , xirol 's expert opinion will make all the difference to the success of the mission . but the doc agrees . `` yes , deep auburn with highlights would be most pleasing . '' `` bring your friend in and add it to the bill . '' `` can i keep my eyes ? '' `` they 're gray ... '' a few taps for analytical comparison , then he nods . `` not as common as blue or green , but not so remarkable that you need new irises . '' `` i was thinking more about lenses , '' i say , horrified . `` that 's disturbing . you 've seen how we live ... so before a couple of turns ago , i did n't even know people could get new faces . it 's kind of ... creepy . '' he 's unusually serious , but i nod my agreement . `` no need for either . '' the doc does n't notice my reaction . `` i 'll also need to remove those scars . they 're unmistakable . the nanites nibble at them , slowly . doc suspected in time they would heal ; but i ca n't wait for nature to take its course . people have told me before that it 's a simple laser treatment to take them away , make my skin perfect and unblemished . i always resisted because i felt like it would be a betrayal , erasing kai from my body . i carry him in my flaws just as i do in my memory . it 's time to let him go . he would n't want me to wear his death in my skin . he 'd want me to remember his life ; that 's the sort of man he was .
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despite my tight throat , i answer , `` that 's fine . '' `` do you want me to remove the tattoos ? they 're fairly recognizable as well . '' i 'll wear something to cover them . '' i glance at xirol . `` is that a thing here ? do the nicuan ever collar their la'hengrin to show possession ? '' a flash of pure pain washes over his features . when a nicuan male takes a particularly beautiful female la'hengrin in a sexual shinai-bond , sometimes he dresses her in a jeweled collar that reflects his ownership . it discourages other nobles from making offers . '' `` you sound like that 's personal for you . '' hard to explain , but his tone is n't just general offense . it 's old pain . `` my sister , '' he says softly . he does n't need to say more . i picture a beautiful girl who looks like xirol , collared by some bastard who uses her as a sex toy . and she has no recourse at all . `` can she take the cure ? '' no wonder he hates them . so many la'hengrin have stories like this . each one hurts me , diminishes me . i wo n't rest until they 're free . `` i 'm sorry to hear that , '' the doctor says quietly . `` my countrymen can be pigs . '' i wonder if he 's ashamed of his heritage . `` they can be , '' i agree . `` i 'm doing what i can to help the la'hengrin . speaking of which ... i need you to lie back . the procedure , for obvious reasons , will take several hours . even modern technology ca n't peel your face off and instantly replace it with a new one . '' `` i 'll be here , jax , just in case he gets any ideas . '' from xirol 's expression , he thinks the doc is a little dodgy , and i appreciate his protective stance . he 's a good guy ; bannie is lucky to have him . `` thanks , i appreciate you looking out for me . '' the chair i 'm sitting in angles back , flattening to become a surgical table . `` how long 's the recovery period ? '' `` twenty-four to forty-eight hours , '' the doc replies . `` it depends on your healing rate , of course , but i 'll provide medication for pain and cream to reduce swelling . '' `` not words a man ever likes to hear , '' the doctor says , smiling . his expression makes me laugh , as he intended , and i remember doc . i miss him , as i always do . `` do n't worry , '' xirol says . i want to say i appreciate it , and i 'll do the same for him sometime , but the hypo pricks me . drugs flood my system , and i 'm out . when i wake , i 'm somebody else . of course , i ca n't see the other woman yet . my face is still swathed in bandages , so i peer at the world through a narrow white framework . i 'm numb , too , which is a blessing . this will hurt when the anesthesia wears off ... though not as much as it would for a normal human . the nanites will have a field day , restoring me from the surgical procedure . `` yep , i 'm awake . '' i 'd ask you some personal questions to be sure i did n't scramble your brains with the laser scalpel , but i do n't know anything about you . '' maybe the nicuan nobles did n't like his sense of humor . he did n't take their consequence seriously enough , so he fell out of fashion , and now he 's doing full makeovers for the rebellion . he was focused and purposeful at first , but once he had all the info he needed , his bedside manner relaxed . `` there was an interesting anomaly during the procedure ... i had to keep giving you anesthesia because your system shook off the drugs much faster than i 've ever seen , even in species two or three times your size . xirol steps forward into my line of sight , then . `` as long as she 's healthy , doc , you do n't need to know more than you already do . how you feeling , jax ? '' `` like i had my face cut off . '' my words are slightly muffled , but xirol laughs . the doc accepts the rebuff . i need to keep you overnight . tomorrow , i 'll call an aircab ... and you can program the destination yourself . '' loras gave me legate flavius 's address before we split up , so i 'm ready to catch up with vel , find out what i missed , and do some recon . my head is fuzzy , though , so i 'm barely coherent as the surgeon goes on , `` i did the rejuvenex treatment as well . i think you 'll like the results . '' i do n't want to turn into my mother .
|
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i ca n't stay focused ; my head swims , and i wink out again . in the morning , the doctor removes my bandages , and he stares at me , mouth half-open . finally , he says , `` you 're not human . '' it 's the kind of remark i 'd expect from anyone who knew i 'd been shot in the heart ... and survived on an artificial pump until they could clone me a new one . the nanites do n't want to let me die . this physician is just going by my recovery rate , though , and the way i reacted to the anesthetic . and that does n't make me feel better about the tiny biotech running amok in my veins . the slightly not part does n't concern you . destroy all my blood samples and medical records , any tests you might 've done before you operated . '' xirol steps toward the doctor ; he does n't speak , just lends his presence to the request . `` she 's la'hengrin , doc . adaptive physiology , accelerated metabolism . ca n't you tell by looking at her ? '' curiosity wars with compliance as the man considers . xirol moves his hand to his weapon , flicks the strap away from his knife . the surgeon must know that xirol will kill him before he can summon help . hoping to defuse the situation , i add , `` if you do n't , you 'll have the resistance after you , as well as nicuan nobles . '' `` no , '' xirol says softly . `` the resistance is right here . and i 'll take care of business if he does n't want to work with us again . tie up loose ends , so to speak . '' until this moment , i did n't know xirol could be terrifying as well as funny , but a shiver runs down my spine . `` very well , '' the doc snaps . i say , `` do it now , while we 're here . '' under my watchful gaze , the surgeon follows my instructions . `` i 'm not unhappy . call the aircab and have it meet us out front . '' the clinic is housed in an unassuming structure , five kilometers from the imperial palace . nicu quintus does n't merit its own emperor , but they do have a ruling governor who takes precedence over everyone else , even princes of noble houses . with a wave to the annoyed doctor , i draw my coat on . no uniform , just plain black shirt and trousers that could come out of any wardrober in the city . my hair feels odd , silky , on the back of my neck . i give my head an experimental toss , and i 'm astonished at how it floats . the esthetician must 've given me a treatment that straightened and changed its texture . but i 'll deal . xirol follows me out . the lift is fast ; it gives a view of the whole street as i zoom down . by the time i reach the ground floor , the aircar hovers at the platform out front . `` this is where we part ways , jax . i have my assignment waiting . '' `` thanks again for staying with me . '' absolutely , i would . because good-byes are hard , even when you expect to see the person again , i run toward the aircar without looking back . inside , there 's no driver , just a bot built into the front to give the impression that you 're not trusting your life to a vi ... though you totally are . i input the address . i 'm committed now . chapter 36 legate flavius lives well . his home is three stories , enclosed by a tall stone fence capped with metal spikes . he has top-notch security , drone cameras flying to survey the property and report back to his centurions . this man has people , friends . for the first time , i come near to panic . as a bounty hunter , vel did this often , but always with more prep time . he spent months learning his prey , discerning the best way to slide into their lives . i made one stop before coming here . fortunately , the merchant needed the sale bad enough not to ask for identification when i presented my credit spike . now i 'm wearing a jeweled collar like xirol described . it 's beautiful , and it covers my tat , but it also makes me feel servile , like someone could hook a ring and leash to it . which is fine for people who do that sort of thing for fun , less so for those who do n't have a choice in the matter . tiana opens the door when i ring . she shows no hint of recognition ; but then , why would she ? in the days since i saw her last , i have discarded everything that made me jax . `` i 'm here to see the legate . '' `` he 'll want to see me . ''
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her mouth firms into a white line , and i see her judging the latest acquisition , hating the subservient la'hengrin female she thinks i am , now that she 's free . i 've found we hate most in others what we ca n't stand about ourselves . she received the cure from farah while i was having the procedure done , and she 's agreed to stay on to help vel . though she might disagree , tiana is already a warrior , fighting for her people in the best way she can . `` i 'll announce you . '' maybe it would expedite matters , but i do n't tell her who i am . if this goes wrong , she ca n't betray what she does n't know . such a pragmatic dispensation of secrets and lies , but it 's the mantra of the resistance . yet i do n't want her to despise me , so i whisper , `` i 'm resistance . here to help . '' tiana cuts me a quick look , then smiles . i can tell she assumes i 'm a free la'hengrin , recruited for reasons unknown to her , but it 's more comforting than thinking i 'm a slave . more cheerful now , she escorts me to an enormous room with a vaulted ceiling , decorated in antiques and expensive touches . reminds me of my mother 's formal salon , before we left new terra for that extended vacation when i was thirteen . my father hardly ever ventured in there ; he said it made him nervous . that 's how i feel right now though not because of the decor . the wait feels interminable before she returns . `` he 'll be with you presently . would you care for refreshments ? '' she 's polite even if she despises seeing her sisters in this condition . while i wait , i examine various paintings and objets d'art . the legate had good taste in home interiors if he furnished the place himself . if not , he had the sense to hire someone who does . at last , i hear footsteps in the tile hallway . i turn with a smile that does n't feel natural , as if my skin belongs to someone else , and draw up short . the centurion standing in the doorway is most definitely not vel . he 's short and stocky with broad shoulders and a chest thickened through physical conflict . pocked skin , a smashed nose , and a thin-lipped mouth give him a sinister aspect . `` you have some nerve coming to the legate 's house uninvited . '' i ca n't place the accent , but it 's not as refined as most nicuan voices . this one fought his way up . that makes him tenacious-and a pain in the ass . vel needs to get rid of him . but since you do n't seem to grasp the obvious , i 'll spell it out . whores are n't welcome in the residence during the day . '' his muddy gaze rakes me from head to toe , and it 's so intrusive , i feel like covering up . `` i can see why you think he 'd make an exception for you , though . you 're a pretty , pretty piece . '' i 'm fragging exquisite . this face was expensive . he takes my silence for an admission of guilt . `` what 's wrong , darling ? did you really think you 'd get away with this ? '' `` the legate is expecting me , '' i tell him . if you make me happy , i wo n't tell anyone . '' i ca n't kick his ass . i mean , i probably can , but i should n't . the legate would n't be interested in a woman with mad ass-kicking skills . by the images the doctor showed me , he went for fragile , helpless types . they likely made him feel less an abject failure as a man . so physical conflict is out unless i kill the centurion , and having a member of the legate 's household go missing so shortly after an attack on his country estate , well , that would n't sell anybody on vel 's cover . `` i do n't think the legate would like that , '' i say humbly . `` as if you truly know him , despite that pretty collar around your throat . '' `` i ca n't fight you , '' i say , because that 's how a la'hengrin female would respond . `` but you do not have permission to touch me . '' not that those words have ever done any good . `` then i 'll have you taken up for trespass . and they 'll be rough on a beauty like you in the penal stations . i can be sweet . gentle , even . '' i draw in a shallow breath , like i 'm scared . and this bastard responds . he likes women to be frightened . it 's disgusting ; he preys on the la'hengrin females in his care . i wonder how many times he 's pestered tiana . before i decide what to do , more steps ring out , and the centurion shakes his head . `` you 're in it now .
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too late to keep this between you and me . '' vel steps into the doorway , clad in legate skin . he leans with careless disdain , arms folded across his chest . how did he perfect the mannerisms ? maybe there were vids for him to watch , here . the legate strikes me as the sort of man who would document his achievements , however small . `` what 's the meaning of this , cato ? '' `` nothing to worry about , '' the centurion replies . `` i have the problem in hand . '' `` it sounded to me as if you were importuning one of my guests . '' the centurion pales . `` i thought- '' `` that is the trouble . you did not think . i heard you blackmailing this woman for sexual favors . if you come within three meters of her , i will kill you . is that perfectly clear ? '' `` yes , excellency . '' i swear , the centurion almost pisses himself in fleeing the room . vel shuts the door behind him , then crosses to me ; he looks perfectly at home in the legate 's skin . it 's a gift he has , emulating mannerisms , and his sophisticated vocalizer does the rest . he moves to embrace me ; as he leans in , he whispers , `` glad you 're here , sirantha . '' `` even if i 'm not myself ? '' `` that will take some getting used to . '' i c*ck my head , realizing his speech patterns are different . he sounds less like himself , more ... human . when he impersonated doc , his only mistake was calling me sirantha , as nobody else does . to this day , vel 's still the only one who uses my first name . with him , i do n't even mind , though it 's a sore point with others because it reminds me of my mother and the way she dropped my full name whenever i pissed her off . `` i hate it , '' i mutter . `` one look , and your guard assumed i 'm helpless . '' `` that may come in handy . '' staying close to him because i do n't know what the situation is , i murmur into his ear , `` is the house secure ? have you swept for spyware ? '' he shakes his head , then nods , answering my questions in sequence . that means someone is spying on us already . well , on the old legate . `` have you presented your evidence to the prince ? '' that question i can ask in normal tones . it does n't break cover . it took me several days to get an appointment , but he 's agreed to see me at the end of the week . '' `` i 'm sure he 'll be fascinated . '' i need to decide what kind of character i 'm playing . la'hengrin females are n't all the same , despite their shared circumstance . so is she quiet , meek , demure , silly ? given what i know of the late legate 's predilections , she 'd likely be all of the above-or at least capable of pretending in order to keep him happy . belatedly , i realize i do n't have a name . `` i hope to earn new rank and prestige with this revelation . '' i hope we learn about weapons caches , troop movements , and planned strikes against the resistance . but that wo n't happen overnight . first , vel has to ingratiate himself with the prince and get appointed to the imperial war council . then we 'll have access to all kinds of data that we can forward to our people-and in time , bring this struggle to an end . nicuan forces are n't numerous , but they control the credits and tech . once the cure circulates fully , we 'll outnumber the enemy . sufficiently demoralized , they 'll surrender and withdraw . but not without some bloody battles , first . i raise my brows at vel . `` you did n't introduce me to your centurion . '' it would help if i had a mental connection with him , but we ca n't do the silent talking . fortunately , he 's skilled at reading subtext . he makes a flourishing gesture toward the door . `` he did n't deserve the honor . let 's go where we can be more private . '' hopefully , he means to a room that 's not bugged . he escorts me to his bedchamber , which is enormous . like the rest of the house , it looks expensive but tasteful , but the red-and-gold color scheme does n't suit vel . once he shuts the door , i ask , `` we 're clear ? '' we can speak freely in here . flavius has a white-noise generator installed in the walls , running continuously . '' `` which interferes with any spyware ? '' `` i guess he was n't an exhibitionist . '' vel smiles with legate flavius 's face ; and that 's just so weird that i have no words .
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the man annoyed the shit out of me , then i saw his corpse on a rainy night in the provinces . `` no , the legate had other perversions . '' `` it 's not important anyway . what i was driving at downstairs ... have you told anyone about me yet ? come up with a backstory or a name ? '' `` i thought it would be better to leave that in your hands . '' `` yeah , it will be easier for me to remember details i invent . '' are you ready to begin , sirantha ? '' it 's time to start the next phase of the war . chapter 37 moving into the town house proves painless . the legate has many servants , but vel promotes tiana to the head of the household . such a move would make everyone think he 'd selected a new sex toy , except my presence scotches that gossip . cato leads the surviving centurions , but they bunk in separate quarters behind the main residence . he passes me in the hall with dark looks that promise trouble . while waiting for vel to return , i use the wardrober to design exotic outfits . it 's hard to think about fashion when i know my squad is fighting without me , but i can serve best here , now . plus , ex-flavius 's accounts can stand the strain ; it 's not like he needs credits anymore . the time i spend waiting i use to write my character background . mishani was taken into service when she was a child , and her shinai-bond has passed three times . legate flavius took one look at her and fell into a deviant sort of love that permits no distance , requires total ownership . pretty clothes can only take me so far . once i have enough dresses , i sprawl on vel 's bed , pretending i 'm not nervous . mishani would be worried about his safety due to what it meant for her shinai-bond . the la'hengrin do n't enjoy riding the winds of fate , tossed wherever whimsy dictates . i 'm anxious for different reasons . hope the meeting goes well . i could n't accompany him , of course . i 'm eye candy and not privy to important political business . nicuan nobility is patriarchal to the point of aggravation , especially for those of us who were born peen-free . so i wait in the legate 's bedroom , where i 'm sure nobody 's spying on me . my room adjoins through the shared bath , but i do n't have white-noise generators in my walls . i flick on the vid to see what local news has to say about the rebellion . a pretty , dark-haired nicuan presenter is speaking when i tune in . `` there has been trouble in the provinces , but the governor 's office reports there is no cause for concern . the so-called lla , or la'heng liberation army , is 'a passel of shepherds who lack both equipment and leadership . the centurions will put an end to this resistance , which is nothing more than a call to anarchy . ' '' `` that 's what you think , '' i tell her . i switch the feed to a film already in progress . ironically , it 's the one i watched in the mountains with my squad . the images on screen bring with them a host of bittersweet memories . timmon and eller have already fallen ; how many more brave men will we lose before this war ends ? the bedroom door bangs open , startling me . cato looms in the doorway , his eyes threaded red . even from here i smell the stench of whatever he 's been drinking . `` something 's not right , '' he snarls . `` the legate 's changed too much . he and i used to go out , taking the choicest la'hengrin whores , and now i 'm supposed to believe you 're enough to sate him ? there 's something wrong . '' the mission could unravel here . i roll off the bed , putting it between us , and look surreptitiously for a weapon . he slams the door behind him . that means privacy . i 'm sure that 's what he has in mind . cato lunges toward me , but i wheel around behind him . the minute i fight back , he 'll know i 'm either not la'hengrin , despite my appearance , or that i 've taken the cure . either way , it means he ca n't be allowed to leave this room alive . he 'll tell anyone who 'll listen about the spy in the legate 's household . i have to take care of this problem before it escalates . the centurion throws a sloppy punch . if he were n't drunk , it would have connected . as it is , i feel the breeze in the near miss . nearby , there 's a slender crystal lamp . i smash it into shards so glass litters the ground between us . `` wrecking the place wo n't save you , love .
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nobody will come to your aid . i 'm in charge here , whatever the legate told you . he 's forgotten , but i 'll remind him . '' something in his tone suggests cato has some hold over flavius , blackmail material maybe . he 's ready to beat the shit out of me ; i see the glint of anticipation in his gaze . i 'm to pay for the humiliation he 's suffered . under the pretext of self-abasement , i drop to my knees and palm a pointed shard . he makes a fist and draws back his arm just as i slice his hamstring . his scream of pain is lost in the white-noise generator . he was right when he said nobody will come , no matter what goes on in the legate 's chamber . he lands a glancing blow on my cheek , and even injured he 's strong enough that my head snaps back . i roll into the fall and grab his ankle , then tug with all my might . his injured leg buckles ; the centurion drops hard on his side , and i press my advantage , diving across his thrashing body with all my strength . with a slash of the razor-sharp shard , i finish him quickly though there 's a bloody mess by the time i 'm done . mary , what am i supposed to do with the body ? shaken , i cover the corpse with a sheet and wait for vel . he 'll help me dispose of it . i shower , desperate to get the red off myself . the next two hours are incredibly unnerving ; by the time vel returns , i 'm mad with impatience . he approaches with a spring in his step , which makes me think the meeting went well . rising , i greet him at the door as mishani would . he brushes my cheek with his lips , and they feel real enough , if cool and dry . i imagine how it was for him , living a lie for so many turns on gehenna . i do n't think i could do it . before we can talk about how it went with the prince , we have a crisis to resolve . `` buried any bodies lately ? '' he tenses , noticing the disarray in the room beyond . i summarize , and he mutters a curse . i thought he was sufficiently cowed . '' `` apparently they had subtext in their relationship . nothing we could 've known . '' `` let 's get him out of here . tiana can serve as the lookout . '' without delay , he calls for the housekeeper , who smiles when she realizes who 's dead . tiana beams at vel . `` you can plant him in the garden out back . he 'll do more good fertilizing the flowers than he ever did in life . '' it takes another hour to do as she suggests , then clean up the evidence . back in his room , i ask , `` what will you tell the other centurions ? '' `` that he got a better offer . '' i feel odd being so calm about what we 've just done . vel fiddles with the comm suite , and then queues up a vid , taken from his ocular cam . though i knew he planned to try , i was n't sure if it would work through the camouflage ; the picture looks relatively clear , just a thin veil that blurs the image . the sound is a bit muffled , as the mic is implanted in his skull , but with a few taps on the control panel , he renders it audible . i settle in to watch the log . there are a few wasted moments , where vel 's forced to cool his heels in the antechamber while somebody , probably a secretary or personal assistant , stares at him with a superior smirk . then , at last , he 's escorted to the great one 's presence . prince marcus is a small man with a receding hairline and a weak chin . he 's a little overfed , smug , and he wears too much brown , along with an impatient expression . from his reaction , he 's not thrilled to see legate flavius . vel is correct in his manners ; he 's been studying protocol while i got a new face . `` what do you want , flavius ? '' the noble 's tone says , this better be important . `` as you may know , my country estate was attacked some days ago . '' `` rebels ? '' the prince asks without real interest . `` i wish it were that cut-and-dried . it was legate arterius . '' the other man 's attention sharpens ; he steeples his hands . `` those are serious allegations . i hope this is n't some posthumous power play . '' `` i have evidence of a plot to discredit both of us and commence arterius 's ascent to your title . may i forward them to your handheld ? '' marcus nods , but i can see he does n't believe this story ... until he starts reading .
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wisely , vel edited out all the damning information that shows how the ex-flavius colluded with his boy arterius to see marcus executed for treason against the empire . on la'heng , that takes some pretty serious disloyalty , as the current emperor , happily wallowing in his own importance on nicu tertius , does n't give a rat 's ass what goes on here . `` this is ... unconscionable . '' when the prince glances up from the documents , he 's shaking with rage . `` what transpired at your estate ? i want every detail . '' vel outlines the situation with judicious excision . the firefight rages between his house guards and the enemy centurions , no resistance involvement . in the end , only flavius and his faithful servant tiana make it out of the inferno alive . the way he tells the story , it 's riveting , and by the halfway mark , marcus is leaning forward for the next revelation . `` so many brave centurions must be commemorated , '' he declares after the finale . `` in light of their sacrifice , it would be my privilege to host a party in their memory . you will be my honored guest , of course . '' `` you do me too much courtesy , your highness . '' `` you have not sought to profit by this in any measurable way . i erred in my judgment of you , flavius . any other man would have been on my doorstep , the moment this occurred , demanding restitution . i glance at vel , who pauses the vid . `` restitution ? '' `` the prince employed legate arterius , which means he bears some responsibility for his actions . there is legal precedent for flavius to require his country estate to be rebuilt , for the prince to pay the cost of new centurions . '' `` but you did n't do that . '' vel grins at me , an actual grin , starting the footage again . `` watch and learn , mishani . '' `` i had to put my house in order , your highness . there were families to be notified , regrets to be expressed . '' prince marcus reacts with tangible surprise that flavius did the proper thing first , so the guy must 've been a right bastard . `` one never knows how another will react to adversity , '' he says , shaking his head . i understand the con , now . if vel had n't fended off the attack at such high cost , marcus would have been next . because he asked for nothing , the prince feels like he owes him something . the repayment will come in favors , not in credits , but that serves our purpose far better . `` i wish i had never been tested , '' vel replies gravely . the prince inclines his head . but history is ever littered with tales of men whose reach exceeded their grasp . '' `` i should n't keep you further , your highness . thank you for making time for me today . '' `` it was my pleasure , flavius . '' his body language has changed over the course of the conversation . irritation has yielded to gratitude and genuine regard . `` i 'll be in touch regarding the banquet , invitation by courier forthwith . '' in a subtle touch of flattery , he backs out of the room . it 's a nicety expected only in the presence of the emperor , so prince marcus rarely sees it , i bet . then the recording ends , bringing static to the screen . vel cuts it off . `` and now you 're up to speed . '' `` you 're still talking like flavius . '' i find it 's best to stay in character . reduces the chances i 'll make a mistake later . '' it 's just ... odd . you 're a bit of an actor , are n't you ? '' he ducks his head , as if embarrassed . `` you 're good at so many things . i just have grimspace . '' saying the word sends an ache curling through me . `` it 's a result of a long life span . you 'll pick up lots of skills as we rub along . you 've already trained in combat , weapons , and gunnery . '' i pause , realizing he 's right . the days when i was only fit for jumping have passed . now when i return to the star roads , it will be out of love , not necessity . tiana taps on the door . she still does n't know who i am , but she 's a kind person who deserves better than she 's gotten out of life so far . `` do you want supper at the usual time ? '' tiana dips at the knees , then hurries away . household chores do n't require backbreaking labor in the city as they do in the outlying villages , but i hate that she does n't have other options . once she 's gone , i ask , `` do you think cato bothered her ? '' `` not anymore , '' he observes . `` in other news , apparently everyone is talking about my reform . the other nobles are dying to meet you . '' `` i ca n't wait , '' i mutter .
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3231], ["talk", 3239], ["talking", 3239], ["find", 3264], ["good", 3275], ["best", 3275], ["stay", 3283], ["character", 3296], ["reduce", 3306], ["reduces", 3306], ["chance", 3318], ["chanced", 3318], ["chancing", 3318], ["chances", 3318], ["mistake", 3339], ["mistook", 3339], ["mistaken", 3339], ["later", 3345], ["odd", 3369], ["bit", 3385], ["bits", 3385], ["actor", 3397], ["duck", 3425], ["ducks", 3425], ["good", 3472], ["thing", 3490], ["things", 3490], ["say", 3526], ["sayest", 3526], ["saying", 3526], ["word", 3535], ["send", 3541], ["sends", 3541], ["ache", 3549], ["ached", 3549], ["curl", 3557], ["curls", 3557], ["curled", 3557], ["curling", 3557], ["result", 3588], ["resultest", 3588], ["long", 3598], ["longs", 3598], ["life", 3603], ["lifes", 3603], ["span", 3608], ["spans", 3608], ["pick", 3623], ["lot", 3631], ["lots", 3631], ["skill", 3641], ["skills", 3641], ["rub", 3651], ["along", 3657], ["already", 3675], ["train", 3683], ["trained", 3683], ["combat", 3693], ["weapon", 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chapter 38 `` how do i look ? '' i ask , twirling . `` like someone else , '' vel replies . it 's an accurate answer . i did n't expect flattery from vel , who has no taste for human beauty . the day of the party has dawned at last , and i 'm wearing a deep blue gown with sparkles affixed to it . i do n't know when i ever dressed up this much . the old jax partied a lot , but she did n't circulate among high society . i was a staple of the midnight bounce for misbehavior in various bars across the galaxy . this is outside my experience . fortunately , my stint as a diplomat taught me some refinement . i should pass as vel 's arm candy . he offers his escort out to the waiting aircar . this one is n't available for public hire , and it 's larger than most , with a ca-pacious backseat and a driver . he 's a servant under tiana 's dominion , but they do n't know about our masquerade . i have mixed feelings about that ; i want to tell every la'hengrin i meet about the cure and how they can join the resistance , but some of them might be indoctrinated loyal drones ; they could expose us to our enemies . but then , there 's never any guarantee about who you can trust . i slide into the back , careful to arrange myself like a lady . vel hands me his handheld . `` study these four men . i need you to charm them . '' this is n't the first time i 've read dossiers , but i can use a refresher on prince marcus , his nephew gaius , drusus ... the imperator of the guard , and sextus varro , the governor himself . tonight , i 'll be rubbing elbows with the brightest lights on nicu quintus . as the aircar pulls away , i skim what vel knows about my targets . this mission will be tricky , as i need to captivate them without making them think i intend to cheat on legate flavius , my lord and master . `` start with gaius . he should be the most accessible . '' still reading , i nod . `` it looks like he landed a courtesy position in the governor 's office , thanks to his uncle . nepotism is the best . '' i 'll keep an eye on you , but i 'll try not to get in your way . '' i ca n't get used to how different he sounds , how thoroughly he 's analyzed flavius 's speech patterns and adopted them as his own . i do n't mention it , however , because the aircar is n't certified surveillance-free . this conversation , the legate 's enemies would ascribe to the political scheming natural to nicuan nobility . for the rest of the trip , i refresh my memory on what each man is interested in and how i can use that knowledge . i 've never played the femme fatale before , never had the sort of beauty that made it feasible . this should be ... interesting . the driver hovers beside the balcony on the second story designated for vip arrivals . a waiting servant in black formalwear swings the gate open to secure against the side of the car . when the ramp clicks into place , i step out , skirt in hand . with a deliberate mental reminder , i take delicate steps , skirt raised a bare centimeter above my sparkly , ridiculous shoes . vel alights behind me , one hand on the small of my bare back , and it 's easy to forget that his skin is n't real-that there are claws beneath the surface . he gives no sign of hesitation ; he specializes in slipping into someone else 's life . i skim the gathering beyond the wide archway . this level of the governor 's mansion has been designed like a garden-with no expense spared to keep the illusion in place . out-of-season flowers have been nurtured in glasshouses , beneath costly vita-bulbs . the red blooms sit in ornate vases , cut for this occasion , perfuming the air with a sickly sweetness . all around me , everyone is well fed and richly dressed . one woman wears enough jewels to build everyone new cottages with solar panels in the first village we visited . then i swallow my anger because mishani would be impressed , awestruck even . she 's a humble la'hengrin mistress , elevated by the legate 's desire . i widen my eyes , skimming the colorful gowns and the men in suits that speak of their rank . `` there 's gaius , '' i murmur . `` introduce me ? '' vel wraps an arm around me . `` we must pay our respects to the prince first , my sweet . '' it 's a gentle correction , but my cheeks flame , just as mishani 's would .
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disappointing him means the difference between a pampered life and abject poverty . if he sells her shinai-bond , all this comfort and security goes away . the girl i 'm pretending to be would never forget it , so i need to seem anxious , eager to please . nicuan men seem to like a whiff of desperation wafting about their women . `` yes , of course , '' i say softly . the crowd parts for vel as i ca n't imagine it ever did for the real legate . perhaps it 's as a result of his new standing . farther in , i spot the prince chatting with three beautiful women , all of whom are taller than he is . not that he appears to mind . prince marcus lifts a hand when he sees vel , beckoning him over . `` ah , here is our guest of honor . flavius , have you met- '' marcus supplies the women 's names , but i do n't bother to memorize them . vel bows over each hand in turn , with distance in his manner . the prince favors me with a warm , slightly disturbing smile . `` and this must be your lovely mishani . there is talk , you know , flavius . '' `` is there , your highness ? '' he affects surprise . `` the rumor is making the rounds that you intend to give this girl your name . '' though the prince 's tone is playful , his manner is guarded . `` stories always proliferate , '' vel says dismissively . `` take a knee , little one . '' on cue , i offer an obeisance similar to the one i learned for the grand administrator on ithiss-tor , adapted for the different state occasion , of course . by the prince 's expression , he approves . when i straighten , he 's beaming . `` oh , she is lovely . no wonder you ca n't bear to let her out of your sight . '' `` that 's an exaggeration , i fear . '' `` but i 've heard she shares your quarters , '' the prince says archly . heard from whom ? with some effort , i keep my face blank . mishani would n't respond unless addressed directly though i hate being talked about as if i 'm a piece of furniture . this is what loras dealt with all those turns . no wonder he 's so angry . cato , i decide . the centurion was n't loyal to his legate ; power games go on at all levels of nicuan society . he did some damage before he died , but we can control the fallout . `` a man likes certain comforts close at hand , '' vel answers lightly . the prince nods . and it 's less expensive than renting a house for her . if you had a wife , it would n't work , but i admire your ingenuity , flavius . i wish i still had such autonomy . '' his avid gaze lingers on my smooth skin . i fight the urge to cover up . `` yes , marital alliances do curtail a man 's freedom , but from what i hear , you profited handsomely from your union . '' prince marcus brightens , doubtless reflecting on the number of credits in his bank account , brought by the wife who does n't seem to be present . `` if you do n't mind , your highness , we 'll pay our respects elsewhere and stop monopolizing your attention . '' that sounds like heavy flattery for me , but the prince only nods : yes , of course , everyone in the room is waiting for five minutes with me . vel leans in to whisper , `` well done . '' the prince 's wife is a harridan , never stops nagging . they moved into separate houses after six months . '' `` why do n't they terminate the union ? '' `` too many political ramifications and potential financial complications . '' `` so a pretty girl who does whatever he wants and does n't talk back probably constitutes his fondest dream . '' vel smiles . `` i suspect he envies me right now . '' he pauses , drawing me to the side , so a couple of party guests can sweep past us , glittering and laughing too loud . the music is soft , more background than sharp focus , but there are a few dancers . i spy gaius among them . he 's young , perhaps twenty-five turns , and taller than his uncle . he has a round face that makes him look younger and a little extra flesh around the middle . he might even be attractive if he did n't seem so nervous . as he maneuvers his partner on the floor , his forehead beads with sweat , and he stumbles twice , just while i 'm watching him . `` the kid 's a mess , '' i whisper . `` local gossip has it that his mother sent him away from nicu tertius in disgrace . he wanted to marry a maid , or something shocking like that . '' irony in the last sentence . `` she hoped his uncle could cure his democratic notions . '' he 's not the lazy young wolf i expected .
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i thought he 'd be the easiest mark , but with this new information , i must reconsider my approach . then an idea strikes . `` go look for drusus or the governor . i 've got gaius . '' chapter 39 when the dance ends , i 'm standing on the edge of the floor , wearing my best i 'm alone and frightened look . the face the doctor gave is lovely enough to draw gaius 's gaze-and when nobody comes to claim me , he pauses , hesitant . my gaze meets his , equally timid , then skims away , because clearly i 'm not worthy to look upon the prince 's nephew . naturally , he joins me . his voice is a pleasing tenor , soft enough that i can barely hear him over the music . `` the legate said he would be back directly ... '' i trail off with uncertainty that invites him to be decisive . `` would you like to dance with me then ? '' it 's an invitation , not a demand . maybe gaius is n't a nicuan noble at all . if he was switched at birth , it would explain so many things . i incline my head and offer my hand , which he takes . he seems surprised , like even submissive females regularly reject him . the music commences ; the dance is more graceful and ceremonial than anything i ever did in a spaceport bar , but i follow his lead without trouble . at this moment , my body feels younger than it has in turns , and that 's disconcerting . that little twinge in my knee has gone away entirely , and i ca n't feel where i dislocated my shoulder . the doctor was probably referring more to taut skin and perky br**sts when he said i would like the rejuvenex results , but it 's nice not to have those little aches . it also feels like i 'm living in someone else 's skin , and for the first time , i think , this is what it 's like for vel . for a few moments , there 's silence between us . he 's counting steps , i think , and i 'm playing the shy ingenue . but to get anywhere , i ca n't be mute , so i murmur , `` thank you for asking me . i do n't know anyone . '' `` your escort should n't have left you . these parties can get a bit ... '' he trails off as if at a loss for a word that wo n't shock me . which is rather hilarious , considering that mishani sleeps with legate flavius in return for her room and board . so it 's not like the sweet young thing does n't know the score ; unfortunate necessity dictates her actions within the confines of the shinai-bond . yet i play along . gaius needs to feel like a hero . at a glance , i can tell he 's rather broken , sad , and feeling worthless . `` you 're kind . '' but he 's smiling now , maybe because i 've been nice to him . `` i 'm gaius , by the way . '' `` mishani . '' `` which legate ... ? '' awkward , leading question . `` flavius . '' it 's not hard to let a little trepidation slip into my eyes . `` if he 's looking for you , i 'll explain how you came to be with me . '' evidently , gaius understands that nobles can be irrational and hotheaded . he does n't want to see me beaten for an imaginary infraction . `` you might get in trouble , '' i say softly , because mishani does n't know about gaius 's connections . he likes that because he thinks she danced with him on the strength of his smile . `` no , i 'll handle it , do n't worry . '' a harmless question , and i 'm curious how he 'll answer . `` i work in the governor 's office . '' truth , then , but not all of it-there 's no mention of his uncle , the prince . which means gaius wants to be liked for himself . `` you must do important work . '' mary , i 'm already tired of this girl , with her wide eyes and breathy voice . `` not as much as you 'd think , '' he mutters . so he 's discontent . i file that away as potentially useful information and c*ck my head as if bewildered . he wo n't tell me about the scandal or why he ended up here during this dance , but he needs a confidante . with skillful management of our encounters , i can become that person . `` since just before the troubles . '' that 's what nicuan nobility calls the growing insurrection that will end with nothing short of complete expulsion of enemy forces . they do n't realize how serious the situation is despite the planetary lockdown . because there are glittering rooms full of expensive art and purchased women with painted faces , they think everything can continue as it always has .
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most have no idea what 's going on in the provinces . `` you ca n't go home then , '' i say with real sympathy . `` i could n't anyway . '' mishani would n't pry , so i finish the dance in silence . when he escorts me to the edge of the dance floor , vel is waiting with arched brows . `` i told you i would be right back , mishani . '' gaius steps up , as promised . i implored her to favor me with a dance . '' only then does vel pretend to recognize him . anything for marcus 's nephew . '' `` the prince is your uncle ? '' i shrink back toward vel , like i 'm unworthy to be in the presence of such greatness . maybe i have a bit of theatrical talent , too . `` yes , '' gaius admits . vel steers me away . i cast a quiet look over one bare shoulder . gaius stands gazing after me with flattering intensity . young men can be so tiresome in that respect . they fall in and out of love on the weight of a shared glance or a touch on the arm , constant as the wind . `` how did you pass the time while i danced ? '' i 'm careful to keep my questions innocuous , in character for the girl i 'm pretending to be . `` i spoke at length with the imperator . '' is he important ? '' vel smiles , the indulgent expression of a man who thinks the woman beside him is an adorable idiot . he owns mishani , after all , and her compliance is a given . yet i 'm surprised as he leads me out . i figured we 'd go after the governor next , but on second thought , this makes more sense . he ca n't make a beeline for all the important men in the room . the machinations will be noticed instead of taken as normal social interaction . he draws me against his shoulder with an expertise i should n't find surprising , and yet i do . `` i did n't know you danced . '' `` you 've barely scratched the surface of my skills , my sweet . '' it 's a reminder to be mishani , not jax . i school my features into starry amazement , and he chokes a laugh . aha , the perfect infiltrator has a weakness . maybe i should n't be amused right now , but i 've discovered i do n't mind being undercover . at least , not all of it . i would n't want to do it forever , but for now it 's an adventure , and i 've never been able to pass one up . vel whirls me , attracting admiring glances from those sharing the floor with us . he moves like all men want to-with bold confidence , like he does n't give a damn about the staring . that 's the sort who gets noticed . by the time we stop , i 'm breathless , and some of the shiny-eyed stuff is real . i try to picture march doing any of this and fail utterly . he 's a warrior , not a spy . i 'm a bit of both . i guess that 's why they 're both in my heart . i miss march , but i 'm experienced in sealing off the sorrow and not letting it interfere with my mission . `` attention , '' prince marcus calls , as i catch my breath . `` as you all know , we 've gathered to honor legate flavius , who did me a great service at vast personal cost . he has not asked for restitution , yet my conscience will not permit his heroism to go unrewarded . so it is my pleasure to announce his new rank tonight . welcome your new primus . '' the crowd applauds , some with sincerity , others with daggered looks . a congratulatory mob surrounds us , and i press up against his side . beyond the inner circle , i spot gaius watching us with a return of his sorrowful stare . i guess he 's remembered how much his life sucks . at least he 's better off than the la'hengrin . from what i know of the convoluted ranking system , a primus is higher than a legate , serving the prince directly . which means all the legates now glaring at vel fall under his command . the governor is above the prince because there are so many princes from various houses , and somebody has to be in charge . the imperator ranks higher than a primus , but only in matters of national security . it 's all kind of confusing , but fortunately , mishani does n't need to know shit about politics ; that 's the upside to all my doe-eyed silence . `` speech ! '' soon the cry is taken up and echoes through the room , until vel steps forward with a smile , ready to meet their demand . `` i 'm honored that his highness thinks me worthy of this title . i 'll do my best to live up to the standard of the primus who came before me . ''
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prince marcus raises his glass . `` to the new primus ! '' not everyone in the room is thrilled . even as they toast , i feel the anger and envy burning across the distance . and all the while , gaius watches in silence . afterward , suni tarn catches my eye from across the room . he holds the look long enough for me to gather he wants to speak with me . i guess that means loras brought him in on the op . so i run my hand down vel 's arm to catch his hand in mine . he does n't resist when i twine our fingers together , though this is a bold move for mishani ; it 's a public claim on the new primus , and it does n't go unnoticed . most men of rank would disassociate at once from a presumptuous la'hengrin , but he permits the move , thus stating that he returns my regard . i have n't enjoyed subtext so much since we left ithiss-tor . pity the nicuan nobles do n't know how to execute a proper wa . vel lets me lead him on a meandering course toward the former chancellor and his partner , edun leviter . the two men are handsome in their black formalwear . leviter wears touches of silver at his cuffs , and it 's an elegant echo of his hair . by the time i reach them , they 've gotten rid of the few guests who wanted to make conversation . leviter has a way with a brow raise and a sardonic look that makes you want to crawl under the nearest rock . `` good evening , '' i say . tarn says , `` it 's a pleasure to see you again . '' since i have n't met him as mishani , he 's affirming my suspicion that he knows . loras must have anticipated our need for aid and provided intel . that 's helpful . now we can arrange a meeting with no awkward fumbling . `` i understand you have quite an art collection , '' vel replies . leviter nods . `` suni is the connoisseur , but i appreciate beautiful things . '' `` if it would n't be too forward , perhaps mishani and i could come to see your durand ? it is rumored to be exquisite . '' `` edun and i will be leaving the city next month for an extended holiday , '' tarn says , and the words sound like a warning . `` so it would be best to arrange the appointment soon . '' `` the day after tomorrow ? '' vel suggests . do you have your handheld ? what 's the code ? '' after vel 's reply , tarn pulls his out and beams his address to the device . `` i look forward to it , '' i say . `` we should mingle . '' when we move off , vel leaves his hand in mine , telling everyone that he wo n't tolerate slights to me . it 's a bold maneuver . enemies will reveal themselves faster over my unseemly rise . they wo n't be able to bear that a female like mishani has so much power over the new primus . in time , after listening to enough vitriolic whispers , prince marcus may come to regret his generosity , but we 're not trying to build a lasting political career , only obtain access to classified information while creating dissent in the imperial government . this should work like a charm . from : e_l to : [ recipient_encrypted ] comm code 18.255.91.23.88 our mutual acquaintance is well , but ... not herself . certain permanent alterations have been made ; you should be prepared for that . she 's serving the cause in the best possible capacity at the moment , and due to her work-and that of another changeable individual-we hope to have eyes and ears inside very soon . that will obviously help your efforts in the field . how is the campaign going ? i saw in your report that the war effort is going well in the provinces , and that five more villages should be liberated by the end of the month . enemy forces are suppressing our ads at every opportunity , but i find ways to get them on the air . the private comm codes are busier than ever , with la'hengrin seeking information on ways to help the resistance . the centurions have come near to taking out our broadcast centers a few times , but we 've scrambled , moved the equipment just in time . numbers are up in terms of recruitment , especially with the last three victories . i 'll forward you a list of casualties and assets once i finish the final assessment . though it 's a quiet war , and nicuan does its best to silence all signs of trouble in the provinces , the conflict will not be won via inaction . it 's only a matter of time now . i 've seen countless wars , and i believe that . the people have caught fire , and they will not stop . e. l. p.s .
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i have n't been blessed with offspring , but i hear they can be trying . as i understand it , the trouble is worth it . from : m to : [ recipient_encrypted ] comm code [ message bouncing ; multiple relays . ultimate destination unknown ] i 'm afraid to ask what you mean by `` certain permanent alterations . '' but i suppose i 'll find out . great work with the ads . as more people get access to modern comms , they 're helping immeasurably . i had a class of a hundred turn up here . spent two weeks training them , and now they 're all on assignment in the field . after the recruits leave , it feels so quiet . i 'm not alone in wishing i could get out . the kid 's going stir-crazy ; and yeah , he 's totally worth the trouble . we 're running short on gear . if you could get me locations on supply caches-food , weapons , anything the military may have hidden away-we need it desperately . and a number of the villages in the provinces have been cut off . the measures we took to keep the shipments running have broken down . the nicuan are now too afraid of hijackings to risk sending the food as they used to . they 'd rather let people starve than see the resources end up in enemy hands . and i understand the tactic . it 's classic , as armies march on their stomachs . i 'm looking forward to that report you promised me . m. chapter 40 tarn and leviter live in a sleek high-rise with excellent security . for obvious reasons , they do n't require us to pass through the scanners . that would alert the system that vel and i are n't who we claim to be . so tarn comes down to meet us , obviating the need for such measures . i follow him to their private lift ; they have the entire top floor of the building , and the view is breathtaking , one of the best i 've seen on la'heng . he motions us to silence until we step into the apartment , then says , `` you can speak freely here . '' `` white-noise generator ? '' `` edun has hacked all the spyware so it logs a variety of incredibly mundane conversations . those tasked with keeping watch over us must think we 're the dullest dogs in the world . '' as tarn mentions him , leviter comes down the hallway into the common room . the place is furnished in minimalist design ; it 's not warm , but it is elegant . it suits both of them , and they appear more relaxed-for obvious reasons-than they were at the prince 's bash . i take a seat before anyone else because i do n't have to be mishani right now , and it 's a relief . `` you 've heard from loras ? '' `` yes , he gave us a full report of activity in the capital , so we can facilitate . i must admit , this has been unexpectedly entertaining . '' tarn grins at him . `` you already had your hand in when i arrived . '' he turns to me with an amused look . `` he was bored , you see . thought it would be diverting to see what trouble he could stir up here . '' `` you destabilize governments for fun ? '' leviter shrugs . if there 's no paying work to be had . '' that makes me wonder what crises he 's perpetuated . `` who have you worked for ? or is that an if i tell you , i 'll have to kill you question . '' tarn and leviter exchange a look , then the former chancellor replies , `` he worked for me during the war . '' even vel seems intrigued . `` is that how you met ? '' `` virtually . '' tarn puts a hand on leviter 's knee . `` i could n't get involved with him openly while i was chancellor . '' `` because i worked for farwan . '' leviter 's curt response explains everything . `` you were one of their cleanup men , were n't you ? '' i know the type . a frown pulls leviter 's brows together . `` i was the best . '' `` so i put you out of work . i wonder if that means he hates me . so far , he has n't acted like he does . `` i always maintained diversified interests . '' i change the subject , seeing his reluctance to discuss his past further . tarn accepts the need to get down to business . `` loras says his mission is going well . he 'd like you to be ready to move in two months . '' that seems like a short time to get appointed to the war council and obtain the classified data we need . `` do they have databases ? '' `` the nobility here cling to outmoded fashions , and that includes information storage . '' `` so we 'll need physical access . '' `` that makes it harder , if it 's even possible at all . '' `` it should be , skillfully played . ''
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leviter sits across from me , all predatory grace . it 's impossible to tell how old he is , but i read no mercy or scruple in that gaze . `` you 've made a good start , shaken the foundations a bit . '' `` how would you suggest we proceed ? '' vel sounds more like himself , and i 'm glad for it . i 've gotten used to his manners and his courtly , formal air . thus invited , leviter outlines a plan of action that 's machiavellian and diabolical in its ruthless sophistication . at first , i hesitate . gaius seems like a decent guy-for a noble-and i hate the thought of screwing his life up worse than it already is . if he 's caught , or if i fail to turn him , it means the end of the whole scheme . but the resistance needs us . `` all right , '' i say at last . `` you 're a true patriot , '' leviter responds with gentle irony . because this is n't my home . yet i fight as if they are . vel pushes to his feet . `` let us look at the durand since that is why we came . '' the painting is exquisite . it 's perfectly centered in the midst of gentle lights that reveal its beauty without damaging the aged masterpiece . it is a young man , alone in a wood . the trees around him are dark and threatening , yet , from the foliage , it seems to be springtime . there 's no reason for the sense of foreboding the artist has managed to convey in subtle shadows . the subject is handsome , certainly , but he also radiates a slightly helpless air . a blanket is spread on the ground before him , with the rudiments of a meal arrayed ; there is enough for two . his hand is out , extended to some person beyond the edge of the canvas . from his expression , i assume he 's meeting his lover , but those gathering shadows make me think something terrible is about to happen . that 's the genius of man , waiting . `` it 's worth whatever you paid for it , '' i say softly . leviter chuckles . `` that presumes a great deal . '' `` did you steal it ? '' that would be a hell of a heist . a piece like this would have been in a museum , certainly , or a private collector 's vault . but the silver fox wo n't be drawn . `` if you learn only one thing from me , let it be this . admit nothing . '' `` i 'll get a message to you if i hear from loras again , '' tarn puts in . `` he feels it 's best if i serve as intermediary . less risk . '' a meeting with tarn and leviter can be written off as mutual art appreciation . there 's no stigma . but if anyone catches us with the head of the resistance , it 's over . and despite nicuan antipathy to technology , they still monitor the wireless bounce . better not to take the chance . i never thought i 'd be reliant on tarn in this fashion . vel and i head out , becoming mishani and flavius as soon as the lift touches the ground . his private car-with driver-returns us home . i do n't speak , turning over the meeting in my head . reluctance plucks at me with nervous fingers ; leviter 's plan for gaius is further than i intended to go . he surprises me with a kiss , but i roll with it . surprising how real his lips feel against mine , how natural the hair between my fingers . he is a good mimic ; his mouth presses with authority . it 's not a deep kiss , but convincing enough for our purposes . the driver is watching through the small gap in the security panel . when the vehicle stops , we break apart . vel guides me out of the aircar . `` come , my sweet . '' the chauffeur will tell the rest of the household that we could n't keep our hands off each other on the way back . the staff has to think he 's insatiable since we 're in his bedroom all the time . but there 's nowhere else to talk , here . `` is the kissing weird for you ? '' i ask , once the door closes and locks behind us . `` does it feel abnormal ? '' `` it is not natural to my people , so in that respect , yes . '' `` on gehenna , you said when you kissed adele , you felt nothing but pressure . '' `` there are no nerve endings in the faux-skin . '' this is n't relevant , so i shut down my curiosity and move on . `` what leviter proposed ... can you do it ? '' `` i think he was into mishani at the party . it 's not a question of whether i can . '' `` it just ... it seems wrong to make him fall in love with me , then beg him to save me from you .
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517], ["seeming", 517], ["seems", 517], ["decent", 531], ["guy", 535], ["noble", 547], ["hate", 558], ["hateed", 558], ["think", 570], ["thinkest", 570], ["thought", 570], ["screw", 582], ["screwing", 582], ["life", 591], ["lifes", 591], ["worse", 600], ["already", 616], ["catch", 637], ["catched", 637], ["catches", 637], ["caught", 637], ["fail", 652], ["turn", 660], ["mean", 675], ["meanest", 675], ["means", 675], ["end", 683], ["ends", 683], ["endest", 683], ["whole", 696], ["wholes", 696], ["scheme", 703], ["scheming", 703], ["resistance", 724], ["need", 730], ["needest", 730], ["needs", 730], ["right", 748], ["rightest", 748], ["say", 759], ["sayest", 759], ["last", 767], ["true", 787], ["patriot", 795], ["respond", 817], ["respondest", 817], ["responds", 817], ["gentle", 829], ["gentler", 829], ["irony", 835], ["home", 865], ["homing", 865], ["yet", 871], ["fight", 879], ["fightest", 879], ["push", 907], ["pushes", 907], ["foot", 919], ["feet", 919], ["let", 928], ["lets", 928], 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["also", 1416], ["radiate", 1425], ["radiates", 1425], ["slightly", 1436], ["helpless", 1445], ["blanket", 1461], ["spread", 1471], ["ground", 1485], ["rudiment", 1517], ["rudiments", 1517], ["meal", 1527], ["array", 1535], ["arrayed", 1535], ["enough", 1553], ["two", 1561], ["twos", 1561], ["hand", 1572], ["extend", 1590], ["extended", 1590], ["person", 1605], ["beyond", 1612], ["edge", 1621], ["edges", 1621], ["canvas", 1635], ["expression", 1657], ["assume", 1668], ["assumes", 1668], ["meet", 1682], ["meeted", 1682], ["meeting", 1682], ["lover", 1692], ["gather", 1714], ["gathering", 1714], ["think", 1736], ["thinkest", 1736], ["terrible", 1755], ["happen", 1774], ["genius", 1795], ["wait", 1812], ["waitest", 1812], ["waiting", 1812], ["worth", 1829], ["whatever", 1838], ["pay", 1847], ["pays", 1847], ["payest", 1847], ["paid", 1847], ["softly", 1872], ["chuckle", 1891], ["chuckled", 1891], ["chuckles", 1891], ["presume", 1910], ["presumes", 1910], ["great", 1918], ["deal", 1923], 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["technology", 2555], ["still", 2568], ["monitor", 2576], ["monitored", 2576], ["wireless", 2589], ["bounce", 2596], ["well", 2605], ["wells", 2605], ["take", 2617], ["chance", 2628], ["chanced", 2628], ["chancing", 2628], ["never", 2638], ["reliant", 2662], ["fashion", 2686], ["fashioned", 2686], ["become", 2718], ["becoming", 2718], ["soon", 2746], ["lift", 2758], ["touch", 2766], ["touching", 2766], ["touches", 2766], ["car", 2795], ["driver", 2807], ["return", 2815], ["returnest", 2815], ["returns", 2815], ["speak", 2840], ["spoken", 2840], ["turn", 2850], ["turning", 2850], ["reluctance", 2891], ["pluck", 2898], ["plucks", 2898], ["nervous", 2917], ["finger", 2925], ["fingers", 2925], ["furth", 2964], ["furthest", 2964], ["intend", 2980], ["intendest", 2980], ["intended", 2980], ["go", 2986], ["goest", 2986], ["surprise", 3001], ["surprised", 3001], ["surprises", 3001], ["kiss", 3016], ["kisses", 3016], ["kissest", 3016], ["roll", 3029], ["surprise", 3050], ["surprised", 3050], ["reis", 3059], ["real", 3059], ["lip", 3068], ["lipped", 3068], ["lips", 3068], ["feel", 3073], ["mine", 3086], ["natural", 3100], ["hair", 3109], ["mimic", 3149], ["mimics", 3149], ["mimicking", 3149], ["mouth", 3161], ["mouthed", 3161], ["press", 3169], ["presses", 3169], ["authority", 3184], ["deep", 3203], ["deeply", 3203], ["convince", 3225], ["convinced", 3225], ["convincing", 3225], ["purpose", 3249], ["purposes", 3249], ["watch", 3274], ["watching", 3274], ["small", 3292], ["gap", 3296], ["gaps", 3296], ["gapping", 3296], ["security", 3312], ["panel", 3318], ["paneling", 3318], ["panelling", 3318], ["vehicle", 3337], ["vehicled", 3337], ["stop", 3343], ["stops", 3343], ["break", 3354], ["broke", 3354], ["apart", 3360], ["guide", 3373], ["guides", 3373], ["aircar", 3394], ["come", 3404], ["sweet", 3415], ["chauffeur", 3434], ["rest", 3453], ["household", 3470], ["keep", 3493], ["keepest", 3493], ["hand", 3503], ["hands", 3503], ["way", 3529], ["ways", 3529], ["back", 3534], 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the kid 's here because he fell for the wrong person once already . '' `` for leviter 's plan to work , he must believe joining the resistance is the only way to keep you safe , '' vel says . `` and he must be willing to do anything for you . '' `` yeah , that 's the part that bothers me . '' vel may be able to get access to the information on his own . but using gaius as my cat's-paw will get the job done more efficiently . leviter is known for such strategies . he is n't overly burdened with human empathy though his relationship with tarn attests to the fact that he 's not without emotion entirely . vel studies me . he wo n't make me do this . if i ruin this kid 's life and break his heart , it 's on me . then i recall the la'hengrin starving in the provinces , `` protected '' by those who have n't lifted a finger for their welfare in fifty turns . my resolve firms . yes , i 'll sacrifice one for many . chapter 41 it 's easy to fall into a routine . to forget the people you have n't seen for a while . a month after my transformation , i realize i have no idea what the squad is doing , if they 're safe , or if the mission-whatever it is-has been successful . that makes me feel like a traitor to the cause . i 'm here in this fine house , plenty to eat , while they suffer . i 've forgotten that timmon is dead . eller is gone as well , and the memory hits me like a punch to the gut . surely it 's not normal to adapt as fast as i do . but frag , when did i ever claim to be ? whatever , i have a job to do . if there 's guilt to be dealt with , i 'll ball it up and look at it later . today , i have my fifth meeting with gaius . i ran into him by `` coincidence '' at a restaurant a few weeks back , after extensive research on his habits . i was careful not to offer too much or commit to anything . he has to believe that i 'm being systematically abused ... and that i 'm too downtrodden to orchestrate my own rescue . if the boy has any chivalrous instincts , they 'll go crazy this afternoon . i close my eyes , so i do n't accidentally dodge the blow . `` go on , hit me . '' `` it 's part of the job description . believe me , i can tell the difference . it 's the legate , hitting mishani . '' when the blow lands , i 'm glad i 've never pissed vel off . not that he ever punched me ... not even when he was hunting me . still , my ears ring , and i see stars . my lip is already swelling , broken against my teeth . he had to do it right before the meeting , or my nanites will obviate the damage . gaius needs to see that my situation is getting worse-that the legate 's violence has escalated . `` thanks , '' i say with a distinct lisp . `` i 'm on my way , then . '' this time , i `` sneak '' out of the town house , avoiding the legate 's aircar . public transport carries me to the plaza , where i meet gaius . en route , another young man watches me with a furrow of concern . he wears a uniform , which makes him a centurion , but he does n't look old enough to have served ten turns on nicu tertius . that means he 's a legacy , somebody 's child born on la'heng , and his father is sufficiently well connected to get him hired on without any test of skill . there 's not a lot he can do without my permission , so he sits back . i disembark a short time later , and by the time i reach the rendezvous point , the blow looks a day old ; my lip has scabbed over , and the soreness dissipates somewhat . shit , if he 's late , i 'll miss my- `` mishani . '' there he is , right on time . he 's taken care with his appearance ; freshly shaved , dark hair waving down to his collar , he looks every inch the important young nobleman . when i turn , his breath catches . he takes my hands with an impetuosity he 's restrained to this point . after a moment of silent observation , he asks , `` are you all right ? '' i do n't meet his gaze . i offer an uncertain smile . `` things are not going as well as he wishes . '' `` when he 's in a bad mood , i annoy him . `` no man worth the name should ever treat a woman thus . '' he 's quietly furious . with gentle hands , he touches my swollen mouth . i can see in his boyish features that he 's totally enamored of the beautiful victim mishani appears to be .
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she 's everything a nascent hero needs to feel worthwhile . `` i ca n't leave , '' i whisper miserably . he 's supposed to protect you . '' welcome to the la'hengrin reality , gaius . let 's speak of something else . '' `` each time i watch you walk away , it gets harder . knowing you 're going home to someone who hurts you ... i ca n't bear it . '' he speaks with the fierce , heedless passion of the very young . makes me feel ancient . ca n't we just enjoy- '' `` if something happened to him ... and i saved your life , then your bond would default to me , would n't it ? '' it would , if i were la'hengrin . that 's where gaius is supposed to be , emotionally . he had to come to that conclusion by himself , and it took him four weeks to get there . vel is making progress independently , but he has n't been appointed to the war council yet . he does n't have the clearance he needs to get this information . i 'll guide the kid , subtly . he takes my arm , guiding me out of the plaza to the cafe . we do n't eat on the street , as that would offer too many opportunities for discovery . instead , gaius takes a private dining room , where nobody can see him romancing legate flavius 's pet . there are no humanoid workers here , just servo-bots , which facilitates secrecy . forbidden things offer a unique enticement . i sit down and let him order for me , playing skittish . `` i ca n't stay long ... '' `` do n't go , '' he pleads . `` i 'll find a way , i promise . you should be with someone who cherishes you . '' at least the kid has n't promised to marry me . he learned that much from his exile . i 'm sure he thinks i 'll be so grateful to have a kind master that i 'll adore him until the end of our days , even after he takes a wife , gets bored with me , and treats me like an old pair of shoes . fragging nobles . `` this is wrong , '' i say with conviction , and move as if to rise . he stops me with a gentle hand on my arm . `` i need to discredit him with an offense that merits execution . then i 'll step forward and offer you my protection . '' the kid has more steel than i thought . hesitantly , i say , `` the legate does n't know i overheard him , but ... '' `` tell me . '' `` he planted the evidence that made the prince promote him . the other legate did n't do anything wrong . '' `` so flavius falsified the data trail and killed him ? '' gaius 's brows shoot up , and for a few seconds , i think i 've overplayed my hand . `` do you have any evidence to support this ? '' he 's good at hiding his true face . '' `` what a monster . '' `` maybe ... you could do something to him ... and blame the resistance ? '' that 's as bold a suggestion as i dare offer . `` no , the prince would n't believe-unless ... '' `` have you thought of something ? '' gaius grins . i could do to him what he 's done to his rivals . '' mishani pretends to misunderstand . `` you 're going to invite him over , have your centurions kill him , and claim he invaded your home ? '' `` no , that 's brutish . i 'll plant sensitive information on his comm suite , then turn him in as a traitor . '' `` so the prince will think he 's working for the resistance ? '' it 's also ironic for obvious reasons . once we have that `` sensitive information , '' our mission ends , and we disappear . gaius will be crushed . color touches the tops of his cheekbones . `` it 's only what he deserves for what he did to the other legate . i lift a shoulder in a graceful half shrug . `` i am la'hengrin . nobody cares about us . '' `` it 's not right how you 're treated . '' dare i hope he means more than just me ? it would be a stroke of luck to find a sympathizer in gaius . `` you could get in trouble , talking like that . '' `` older nobles disagree , but the resistance may be more organized , more of a threat than others believe . the cure is real ... so you might be free to choose , soon . '' `` how you live ... and with whom . '' surely that 's how a young la'hengrin would respond . `` it wo n't happen overnight , but change is coming . '' all right , that does sound like he supports the resistance . so i ask the question with artless candor . `` gaius , are you working with the rebels ? ''
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["life", 523], ["lifes", 523], ["bond", 540], ["default", 554], ["emotionally", 666], ["come", 683], ["conclusion", 702], ["take", 727], ["took", 727], ["four", 736], ["week", 742], ["weeks", 742], ["get", 749], ["vel", 761], ["progress", 780], ["independently", 794], ["appoint", 826], ["appointed", 826], ["war", 837], ["council", 845], ["yet", 849], ["clearance", 882], ["information", 915], ["guide", 929], ["kid", 937], ["subtly", 946], ["take", 957], ["takes", 957], ["arm", 964], ["guide", 974], ["guiding", 974], ["plaza", 994], ["cafe", 1006], ["eat", 1022], ["street", 1036], ["offer", 1058], ["many", 1067], ["opportunity", 1081], ["opportunities", 1081], ["discovery", 1095], ["instead", 1105], ["private", 1129], ["room", 1141], ["roomed", 1141], ["nobody", 1156], ["see", 1164], ["romance", 1178], ["romancing", 1178], ["legate", 1185], ["pet", 1200], ["petting", 1200], ["humanoid", 1224], ["workers", 1232], ["servo", 1250], ["bot", 1255], ["bots", 1255], ["facilitate", 1275], ["facilitates", 1275], ["secrecy", 1283], ["thing", 1302], ["things", 1302], ["unique", 1317], ["enticement", 1328], ["sat", 1336], ["sit", 1336], ["order", 1359], ["orderest", 1359], ["play", 1376], ["playest", 1376], ["playing", 1376], ["skittish", 1385], ["stay", 1404], ["long", 1409], ["longs", 1409], ["go", 1429], ["goest", 1429], ["plead", 1444], ["pleads", 1444], ["find", 1460], ["way", 1466], ["ways", 1466], ["promise", 1478], ["cherish", 1521], ["least", 1539], ["leastest", 1539], ["promise", 1564], ["promised", 1564], ["marry", 1573], ["married", 1573], ["learn", 1589], ["learnt", 1589], ["learns", 1589], ["learned", 1589], ["much", 1599], ["exile", 1614], ["sure", 1626], ["think", 1636], ["thinkest", 1636], ["thinks", 1636], ["grateful", 1657], ["kind", 1672], ["master", 1679], ["adore", 1696], ["adores", 1696], ["end", 1714], ["ends", 1714], ["endest", 1714], ["day", 1726], ["days", 1726], ["even", 1733], ["evens", 1733], ["wife", 1755], ["treat", 1789], ["treats", 1789], ["treatest", 1789], ["like", 1797], ["old", 1804], ["pair", 1809], ["pairs", 1809], ["shoe", 1818], ["shoed", 1818], ["shoes", 1818], ["fragged", 1829], ["fragging", 1829], ["noble", 1836], ["nobles", 1836], ["wrong", 1855], ["say", 1866], ["sayest", 1866], ["conviction", 1882], ["move", 1893], ["rise", 1907], ["risen", 1907], ["stop", 1918], ["stops", 1918], ["gentle", 1935], ["gentler", 1935], ["hand", 1940], ["need", 1962], ["needest", 1962], ["discredit", 1975], ["discrediting", 1975], ["offense", 1995], ["merit", 2007], ["merits", 2007], ["execution", 2017], ["step", 2035], ["forward", 2043], ["forwarding", 2043], ["forwardest", 2043], ["protection", 2071], ["steel", 2099], ["think", 2114], ["thinkest", 2114], ["thought", 2114], ["hesitantly", 2127], ["know", 2165], ["knowest", 2165], ["overheard", 2177], ["tell", 2202], ["plant", 2224], ["planted", 2224], ["evidence", 2237], ["prince", 2258], ["promote", 2266], ["promotes", 2266], ["anything", 2309], ["falsify", 2344], ["falsified", 2344], ["datum", 2353], ["data", 2353], ["trail", 2359], ["kill", 2370], ["killed", 2370], ["brow", 2394], ["brows", 2394], ["shoot", 2400], ["shooted", 2400], ["second", 2427], ["seconded", 2427], ["seconds", 2427], ["think", 2437], ["thinkest", 2437], ["overplay", 2454], ["support", 2503], ["good", 2524], ["hide", 2534], ["hides", 2534], ["true", 2543], ["face", 2548], ["monster", 2571], ["maybe", 2585], ["blame", 2633], ["blamest", 2633], ["resistance", 2648], ["bold", 2669], ["suggestion", 2682], ["dare", 2692], ["believe", 2737], ["unless", 2744], ["unlesss", 2744], ["grin", 2801], ["grins", 2801], ["rival", 2851], ["rivals", 2851], ["pretend", 2873], ["pretendest", 2873], ["pretends", 2873], ["misunderstand", 2890], ["misunderstanding", 2890], ["invite", 2919], ["invites", 2919], ["centurion", 2951], ["centurions", 2951], ["kill", 2956], ["claim", 2972], ["invade", 2983], ["invaded", 2983], ["brutish", 3022], ["plant", 3036], ["sensitive", 3046], ["comm", 3070], ["suite", 3076], ["turn", 3088], ["traitor", 3108], ["work", 3155], ["wrought", 3155], ["working", 3155], ["also", 3190], ["ironic", 3197], ["obvious", 3209], ["reason", 3217], ["reasonest", 3217], ["reasons", 3217], ["mission", 3279], ["end", 3284], ["ends", 3284], ["endest", 3284], ["disappear", 3303], ["crush", 3327], ["crushest", 3327], ["crushed", 3327], ["color", 3335], ["touch", 3343], ["touching", 3343], ["touches", 3343], ["top", 3352], ["tops", 3352], ["cheekbone", 3370], ["cheekbones", 3370], ["cheekboned", 3370], ["deserve", 3403], ["deserved", 3403], ["deserves", 3403], ["lift", 3448], ["shoulder", 3459], ["shouldered", 3459], ["graceful", 3473], ["half", 3478], ["shrug", 3484], ["shrugging", 3484], ["care", 3520], ["cares", 3520], ["right", 3553], ["rightest", 3553], ["treat", 3573], ["treats", 3573], ["treatest", 3573], ["treated", 3573], ["hope", 3590], ["mean", 3599], ["meanest", 3599], ["means", 3599], ["stroke", 3640], ["luck", 3648], ["sympathizer", 3670], ["trouble", 3709], ["troubling", 3709], ["talk", 3719], ["talking", 3719], ["old", 3743], ["disagree", 3759], ["disagrees", 3759], ["disagreeing", 3759], ["may", 3784], ["mays", 3784], ["mayest", 3784], ["threat", 3821], ["cure", 3852], ["reis", 3860], ["real", 3860], ["may", 3877], ["mays", 3877], ["mayest", 3877], ["might", 3877], ["free", 3885], ["choose", 3895], ["soon", 3902], ["live", 3923], ["surely", 3953], ["respond", 3998], ["respondest", 3998], ["wo", 4009], ["happen", 4020], ["overnight", 4030], ["overnights", 4030], ["change", 4043], ["come", 4053], ["coming", 4053], ["sound", 4086], ["support", 4103], ["supports", 4103], ["ask", 4129], ["question", 4142], ["artless", 4155], ["candor", 4162], ["rebel", 4207], ["rebelest", 4207], ["rebels", 4207]]
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