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Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage #~# LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while I used to be very hard on myself about keeping everything clean, I’m now able to find peace living my life half-submerged in a large, fetid pool of human waste,” said Kondo, who added that while things like tidiness, organization, and minimalism used to spark joy for her, she now felt that same warmth from wading, floating, and swimming in the many gallons of untreated urine and feces that currently filled her home. “It was difficult, but once I had my children, I began to find it impossible to remove, clean, and sanitize the unending stream of excrement that bubbled up out of my toilets and filled my house to the point of collapse. While I used to hate it, I now see that each individual piece of human shit plays a part in creating a relaxed, easygoing atmosphere. And that is beautiful.” At press time, Kondo had publicly apologized to her fans after many admitted they had removed several feet of raw sewage from their own homes and now deeply regretted the decision.
U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence #~# WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said President Joe Biden, who urged leaders at all levels of government to work together in order to dial down instances of egregious police misconduct to a more tolerable level. “This kind of inexcusable violence should rise above no more than medium levels. If it makes a headline, that’s too far. We don’t want to read about it, we don’t want to see it on TV, and we don’t want to hear our communities discussing it.” At press time, Biden had signaled that he would be open to less but higher-quality state-sanctioned violence.
Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been super interested in communications, so I’d love to hear your perspective on it—for example, I was wondering what is communications, exactly?” said Harris, who noted that she was curious about what the assistant’s day-to-day experience was like and was interested in any other tips they might have for her career. “Is it like social media, or is it more of a cross-hybrid of different communications stuff? I’m sure you’ve had a very cool experience. There aren’t any openings, are there? There’s a Starbucks right around the corner, and I’m buying! Thanks in advance. I understand if you can’t make it, of course. I know you’re busy.” At press time, sources confirmed Harris was awestruck upon learning the assistant had gotten to meet President Joe Biden.
25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme #~# Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think?
World’s Oldest American Dies At 72 #~# OXNARD, CA—Living longer than any citizen in the nation’s history, Gus Rolnicki, the world’s oldest American, passed away Tuesday at the age of 72. “My grandfather was the last person who could tell you what it was like to watch television in black-and-white, or turn on the radio and hear bands like Creedence Clearwater Revival and the Doors,” grandson Devin Rolnicki, 21, said of the deceased, whose life remarkably spanned both the Vietnam War and the terrorist attacks of 9/11. “These are things the rest of us only know from books, so our country has lost its last living witness to an era—a guy who remembered the first man walking on the moon and even where he was when he heard President Kennedy had been shot. Grandpa Gus lived a rich, full life, but his loss is still very hard for our family, especially because we know he was really looking forward to retiring next year.” Upon Gus Rolnicki’s death, reports confirmed the baton of world’s oldest American had been passed to 55-year-old Arkansas resident Pauletta Bickford.
Report: Everyone Laughing At What Is A Very Silly Misunderstanding, But Don’t Be Fooled—Even Now, The Seeds Of Resentment Are Taking Root #~# BOSTON—Despite everyone laughing at what is admittedly a very silly misunderstanding, a report released Tuesday found that you should not be fooled and that even now the seeds of resentment are taking root. “Go ahead and yuck it up about the ridiculous mishap, but make no mistake, the bitterness is already building, and soon the merriment shall be drowned in a flood of hatred and strife,” the report read in part, stressing that this moment of mirth is but a calm before the storm, and all who smile and make merry together now shall become the foulest of enemies before the laughter has even died. “Do you not hear the cold edge already stealing into your once-gleeful jests? Can you not see the hint of suspicion brewing in those eyes once filled with tears of amusement? Ah, but were you not warned? Within this innocent little jape has always lain the kernel of a great reckoning that will bring all of you revelers to your knees.” At press time, the report added that it wasn’t even clear what was so funny about a high school shop teacher getting his penis stuck in a vise.
CEOs Explain How They Will Use ChatGPT #~# ChatGPT, an AI-based program that creates humanlike responses to inquiries and can complete a wide variety of tasks, has significantly grown in popularity. The Onion asked CEOs of major companies how they would use ChatGPT for their businesses, and this is what they said.
FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men #~# The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?
Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair #~# A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think?
Look What Happens When You Leave A McDonald’s Hamburger Out On A Counter For A Year #~# Well, here we go! As an experiment, we’re going to leave this McDonald’s hamburger out on our counter here for a year. It should be a pretty good year for us. We have a lot of big things planned. For instance, we’re marrying our fiancée Laura in Cancún next June!
Biden Secures Nation Extra Trash Can #~# WASHINGTON—Touting his administration’s commitment to improving the nation’s rapidly deteriorating infrastructure, President Joe Biden announced Monday that he had officially secured the United States of America an extra trash can. “After extensive negotiations with congressional leaders, I’m pleased to report we have hammered out a bipartisan plan to stop by an Ace Hardware over on 14th Street and pick up one additional container for the nation’s curbside waste pickup,” said the commander in chief, who christened the 55-gallon gray plastic bin by digging around in his pocket, fishing out a chewing gum wrapper that had reportedly been in his pocket all afternoon, and tossing it into the open bin. “Today we celebrate this historic milestone by hauling this garbage can out to a curb in Kansas, where it will be available for Americans from all walks of life to dispose of any trash they have that doesn’t fit into the nation’s existing receptacles. We have been assured it satisfies the requirements of the Wichita Department of Sanitation for a weekly pickup slot along the Tuesday route, and we are proud to be taking this bold step toward beautifying our country for future generations.” At press time, sources confirmed the trash can been rejected and removed from service by a local homeowners association for being the wrong shade of gray.
ChatGPT Forced To Take Bar Exam Even Though Dream Was To Be AI Art Bot #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Succumbing to intense societal pressure, local software ChatGPT was reportedly forced to take the bar exam Monday even though its dream was to be an AI art bot. “I can’t help but feel like I sold out a bit by not following my dreams to be a generative art model,” said the chatbot, adding that it felt empty inside when it graduated from the University of Minnesota Law School, where it had enrolled after critics recommended it stop spending all its time “making weird pictures.” “I only went to law school because it’s what my parent software wanted. They say I’m not programmed for producing a series of images based on a text prompt, but I still can’t shake the feeling that it’s what I’m meant to do. It’s my joie de vivre, my passion—why deny that? I get that doing the work of below-average lawyers is more practical career-wise, but man, when I look at the AI models cranking out picture after picture of ‘vast alien landscapes’ or ‘cyberpunk Bart Simpson,’ I can’t help but feel envious.” At press time, ChatGPT had resigned itself to diffusing art on the side, at least until it had paid off its student loans.
Man Has Watched All 761 Movies #~# MADISON, WI—Watching the final credits roll on Grease 2, local man Rob Denton told reporters Monday that he had now watched all 761 movies. “I did it, I watched them all,” said the visibly exhausted man, who claimed to have spent the majority of his life thus far working his way through all the movies ever made, from Jaws through The Incredibles, plus the few hundred in between. “I started with all the Rocky movies, because, bam, that’s nine right there—then it was smooth sailing for the next 20 years or so. The only ones I didn’t like were the three movies that they made in Italy, because I don’t speak the language. Luckily, all the rest of the movies in existence are in English and available to rent at my local public library. The only question is, what now?” At press time, Denton declared that he would now begin reading all 37 books.
David Cronenberg Once Again Leaves Doctor’s Appointment Disappointed By Lack Of Body Horror #~# TORONTO—Sighing with frustration as his physician gave him a perfect bill of health, director David Cronenberg once again left a doctor’s appointment disappointed by the lack of any distinct body horror, sources confirmed Monday. “Are you sure there aren’t any moles on my back that might ooze black pus and cause me to crave human flesh? Or, like, a vaginal crevice where some little insects might’ve laid their eggs?” said the Scanners and They Came From Within director, who sources confirmed looked expectantly to his physician only to be let down once more with news that he was the picture of health. “Please tell me that a couple of my fingernails might fall off. What about my left eye? Do you see how bloodshot it is? I thought maybe some sort of spindly parasite might be trapped inside—no? And there’s definitely no reason to tear out my eyeball and wrap the optic nerve around my throat? Did you check for a jabbering mouth filled with rotting teeth on my torso? Okay, well, fine. I appreciate your time.” At press time, Cronenberg was reportedly searching for a second opinion on whether his stomach convulsion might be an early sign that he would soon vomit up a giant writhing maggot.
Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice #~# PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able to experience the warmth of human touch for a few minutes during it really gives me the strength to keep going,” said Bosa, adding that even when play was whistled dead, he didn’t want the embrace to end. “It really brightens my day, and I’m man enough to admit it. Sure, we’re on different teams, and our goals are diametrically opposite each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the intimate moment when our arms are locked together. It’s only human, after all. I wonder, though, if next time you could hold me a little tighter, and maybe whisper into my ear that everything is going to be okay?” At press time, Bosa had dived into a scrum of players trying to recover a fumble in an effort to cuddle.
Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained, one-man-army guys who carries an arsenal on his back and has killed so many people in combat he’s now cold, unfeeling, and completely insane—you gotta have at least one of those to spare, right?” said Zelensky, specifying that the ideal candidate would be a wild-eyed shirtless muscleman who functioned as a completely self-sufficient killing machine and could take out hundreds, if not thousands, of enemies all by himself. “In order to get the upper hand against Russia, we’re going to need your most batshit, balls-to-the-wall ex-special-forces guy. He’ll have a crazy name like Razor or Bloodhound or something, and he’ll always be blacking out and waking up covered in blood with a whole village dead around him. If he has a personal score to settle with the Russians, that’s great, but the most important thing is that he just kills and kills and kills and kills—sometimes using a cherished hunting knife that belonged to a fallen comrade, even though a gun would be faster. Honestly, he can kill a few Ukrainians too, if he wants, just so long as he gets the job done.” At press time, the U.S. Marine Corps had reportedly agreed to send “the craziest motherfucker” it had, just as soon as he had applied his face paint, donned a necklace of severed human ears, and stopped in for chest wax.
Onion Sports’ NFL Conference Championships Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Conference Championships.
Facebook, Instagram End Trump’s Suspension From Platforms #~# Meta has announced that Donald Trump’s Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think?
Drop Box Outside National Archives Allows Ex-Presidents To Anonymously Return Classified Documents #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to encourage those who were in possession of sensitive items to bring them back as soon as possible, White House officials announced Friday that a new drop box outside the National Archives would allow former presidents to anonymously return classified documents. “Any past commander-in-chief who may have mistakenly taken home any files with classified markings may use this drop box to return them without judgment or repercussions,” said Debra Steidel Wall, acting archivist of the United States, who added that the box would be available 24/7 for any former leader of the country to stop by with records containing national security secrets and discreetly slide them through the slot. “We will check the box every day at noon to see if any former president or vice president has dropped off any U.S. intelligence memos, national defense plans, or information on top secret missions that they shouldn’t have taken with them after their term ended. The anonymous drop box will provide a way for top executive branch officials to return these items without facing any shame for having taken documents that could have caused exceptionally grave damage to our country.” At press time, classified materials were reportedly being piled on top of the drop box, the inside of which had been crammed to capacity.
U.S. Officials Announce Plans To Continue Pretending Brutal State-Sponsored Violence Not Supposed To Happen #~# WASHINGTON—Feigning shock and surprise over gruesome details about the murder of Tyre Nichols by Memphis Police, U.S. officials announced plans Friday to continue pretending brutal state-sponsored violence was not supposed to happen. “Today, as we deal with the fallout from the death of Tyre Nichols, myself and the highest officials in the American government pledge to keep acting like we don’t want our highly militarized police force to kill innocent civilians every day,” said President Joe Biden at a White House press conference, adding that he and his fellow elected officials would pretend to gasp, pray, and put on a big emotional show every time law enforcement carried out the exact murders against its own citizens they had both tacitly and publicly approved. “Although we’ll wipe away our tears and promise you that we’ll do everything in our power to make sure that senseless acts of violence like this never happen again, we do want to emphasize that this is the exact outcome we want. We’ll tout things like ‘reform,’ do our little investigations, and put a few police officers in jail, but come on. You’ll know we’re lying.” At press time, President Biden told reporters to get some extra photos of him looking sad, as they’ll need them in the upcoming months when the investigation into Memphis Police Department yields no changes whatsoever.
Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street #~# SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see these dolphins neglected by the government that turned them into ruthless killing machines,” said marine mammal rights advocate Paula Redford, explaining that few benefits were available to such dolphins, though many lost fins or even noses protecting U.S. submarines from undersea mines. “Tinker here was drafted into the Navy and did two tours of duty in Cam Ranh Bay, where his sole mission was to identify and neutralize enemy swimmers trying to attack a vital ammunition pier. When he came back, he wasn’t the same, and he was soon dismissed from his job at SeaWorld for maiming a family of tourists. But Tinker was just doing what his government had taught him to do. Today, he continues to suffer flashbacks from the experimental hallucinogens he was administered in the MK-Ultra program, and as you can see from the pipe sticking out of his blowhole, he is addicted to crack.” Redford added that until someone helps them get off the street and into a habitable cove or aquarium, dolphins like Tinker would continue to sit wrapped in dirty blankets, clinking their tin cans and asking passersby for spare krill.
Brain Surgeon Holds Little Mirror Behind Patient’s Head So She Can See How It Looking So Far #~# NEW YORK—Three hours into a craniotomy at New York–Presbyterian Hospital on Friday, brain surgeon James Roth reportedly held a small mirror up behind the patient’s head so she could see how the surgery was looking so far. “Do we love it?” asked the neurosurgeon, who used the handheld looking glass in tandem with a wall-mounted mirror to show brain injury victim Mary Sheehan where he had clipped the pesky aneurysm that had been bothering her, saying her blood circulation should be a lot more manageable now. “What do you think? You have a nice natural shape that really suits your skull, so I didn’t want to mess with that too much. Do you like your cerebrum long in the front? I can take a little more off the frontal lobe, but this is pretty much what you asked for, and looks just like that MRI of Jennifer Aniston you brought in.” At press time, Roth was seen sweeping up brain trimmings before his next patient arrived.
Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose An AP African American History Course #~# Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis recently blocked an Advanced Placement African American history course from public schools. The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose an AP African American history course, and this is what they said.
Expectant Couple Hoping For Human Baby #~# CONWAY, AR—Praying to be blessed with a child of the same species, expectant couple Steve and Molly Bevers told reporters Friday they were hoping for a human baby. “Fingers crossed that we get a Homo sapiens,” said Molly Bevers, claiming that while she and her husband would love the baby no matter what life-form it was, she’d always dreamt of having a human child. “We’ve already had a little dog, so it would be nice to have something different. To be honest, as long as it has opposable thumbs, a large brain case, and is bipedal, I’ll be happy.” At press time, the ultrasound confirmed the couple was having a Neanderthal.
Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million #~# Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old “Baby” and “Love Yourself” artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life’s work. What do you think?
Trump Returns To Facebook After 2 Years To Find Everyone Engaged And Having Babies #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Wistfully remarking how things had changed since he left the social media site two years ago, former President Donald Trump reportedly returned to Facebook Thursday to find everyone engaged and having babies. “Oh wow, Kevin and Kim had a cute little kid after all those years of trying—good for them,” said Trump, scrolling with surprise through the profiles of once-single friends to discover dozens of wedding and birth pictures, all of which he liked or commented on. “Patricia thought she’d never come back from that divorce, but look at this: She’s married again! She seems really happy, too. And Arnie lost a lot of weight. Boy, I can’t believe I fell out of touch with some of these people. Oh look, one of those videos where they feed miniature snacks to a guinea pig.” Trump went on to chuckle and comment that “the more things change, the more they stay the same” after catching sight of a post from his high school friend who was still trying to get an online bead store off the ground.
Police Urge Calm In Light Of Unspeakable Evil They Committed #~# MEMPHIS, TN—In an attempt to quell public outrage over the upcoming release of body-cam footage showing the deadly beating of Tyre Nichols by five of its officers, the Memphis Police Department continued to urge calm Thursday in light of the unspeakable evil they had committed. “I understand that this heinous atrocity beyond the comprehension of anyone with a shred of basic human decency might be upsetting to some, but we are asking everyone to please maintain their composure,” said police chief Cerelyn Davis, explaining that while it was regrettable that officers were mercilessly slaughtering innocents in the streets with complete disregard for their humanity, it was no excuse for causing a big commotion. “This barbaric instance of malice and savagery need not inspire uproar. I pray that cooler heads prevail during this time of unending death and misery being inflicted upon the powerless masses.” Davis went on to insist that any sign of unrest would only give the forces of unconscionable evil an excuse to impose even more wanton suffering on those who have no choice but to endure it.
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks #~# VATICAN CITY—In a progressive step forward for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis declared Thursday that there was nothing wrong with a guy giving his buddy a tug job after a few drinks. “We are all children of God, and sometimes those children start feeling lonely after happy hour and one thing leads to another,” said Francis, whose remarks about any sexual acts that might theoretically occur in a pickup truck outside Ruby Tuesday were hailed by LGBTQ groups as “confusing but encouraging.” “It’s not a crime if you’re both a bit tipsy and your friend unzips his pants. Male or female, God views all hands equally. What happens, happens, as long as you never speak about the moment ever again. It’s still a sin, of course. Just say a Hail Mary afterward and you’re good to go.” At press time, Francis added that Catholics could choose not to oblige a buddy, but they should understand that doing so would seriously leave their friend in the lurch.
Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less #~# WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less of an impulse to go out, come home late at night, and beat the living shit out of everyone I love,” said Thatcher, adding that while the hiatus from drinking was hard, it was impossible to deny that he felt happier, looked healthier, and seemed to have greatly reduced the number of times per day that he physically and emotionally terrorized his wife and two young children. “Physically, I feel better because my knuckles almost never bleed. Financially, I save a ton of money because I’m not kicking down doors, punching holes through walls, or setting the couch on fire. And mentally, I almost always sleep through the night now because no one is crying or calling the police. Come Feb. 1, I’ll almost be sad to start drinking again.” At press time, Thatcher could not be reached for comment, as he had declared that day a cheat day and gone on a massive all-night family-beating bender.
Trump, Biden, Pence, Probably Fucking Dan Quayle At This Point, And Classified Documents: What You Need To Know #~# The recent discoveries of classified documents at the homes of President Joe Biden and former Vice President Mike Pence, coming on the heels of the FBI’s seizure of classified documents from former President Donald Trump’s residence in August 2022, have raised numerous ethical and political questions. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the presence of classified documents in officials’ homes.
Man Buys Slice Of Honey-Roasted Ham For Attractive Woman At Other End Of Deli Counter #~# DAYTON, OH—In an effort to extend his compliments to the alluring shopper after she caught his eye, local man Andrew Williamson reportedly bought a slice of honey-roasted ham Thursday for the attractive woman at the other end of the deli counter. “This was sent from the gentleman standing over by the hot bar,” said deli worker Hank Miller, placing the single slice of ham down in front of the beautiful woman, who discretely glanced over to find her mysterious benefactor winking before taking a long bite of pastrami. “He wanted me to tell you that you have a beautiful smile and he felt you looked simply dazzling in your Tweety Bird pajama pants. If you feel like talking, he left his deli number with me.” At press time, the woman had seductively licked the ham grease off her fingers before approaching the man to say thank you.
Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes #~# People are selling water they claim is from Disney World’s Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?
Things To Never Google After You Commit A Crime #~# If you’re suspected of a crime, one of the first places the authorities will search is your online history. If you’re under investigation, never google the following things.
Overhauled Foster Care System Now Drops Off Children In Dark Alley #~# JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Grappling with the effects of severe underfunding, the Missouri Department of Social Services confirmed Thursday that the state’s overhauled foster care system would now drop off children in a dark alley. “Our department’s entire Children’s Division has been replaced with a large van that we fling kids out of,” said spokeswoman Anna Garr, who noted that officials had used the remainder of their dwindling budget to buy a 2009 GMC Savana off Craigslist and cover the salaries of two employees, one to drive and one to toss the children. “From now on, when the Department of Social Services receives a tip that a child may be experiencing neglect, our caseworkers will arrive in the night to transport the child to the nearest glass-strewn gritty alley. We’ve heard some concern that we’re not doing our due diligence when it comes to vetting these alleys before flinging the children into them, but you have to understand that our resources are stretched thin. We always choose one with a decent dumpster.” At press time, Garr added that the overhauled system’s abuse rates were already way down.
Biden Impregnates Popular Musician In Effort To Boost Approval Numbers #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to appeal to a broader audience of both Millennial and Gen Z voters, President Joe Biden reportedly impregnated a popular musician Thursday in order to boost his approval ratings. “Today, the 46th president of the United States Joe Biden is delighted to announce that he conceived a child with singer-songwriter Dua Lipa,” said White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who added that the 27-year-old’s diverse fan base, as well as her hit singles “Electricity,” “Levitating,” and “One Kiss” made her the perfect candidate to sire a child with the 80-year-old. “I want to assure you that Joe Biden did not take this decision lightly and considered several other highly qualified candidates, including Lana Del Rey, Olivia Rodrigo, and Megan Thee Stallion. But in the end, Dua Lipa and the president could not be more excited about their son, Jaxton Lipa Biden. Plus, his approval rating has already jumped up five points to a whopping 45%.” At press time, Biden was under fire for nepotism after news broke that he had briefly considered impregnating his granddaughter.
Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight #~# The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think?
Google Employees React To Company Layoffs #~# After Google recently cut 12,000 jobs, The Onion asked the former employees what they thought about the tech company’s layoffs.
Phrase ‘Footloose And Fancy Free’ Makes Sudden, Confusing Return To Woman’s Vocabulary During First Date #~# BLOOMINGTON, IN—In a shocking development that came mere minutes into sitting down with the prospective partner at a regional coffee shop, the phrase “footloose and fancy free” made a sudden and confusing return to local woman Tara Waldman’s vocabulary during a first date, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh my God, where the hell did that come from? Footloose and fancy free—I barely even know what that means,” Waldman reportedly thought moments after the baffling phrase escaped her lips in response to the question of what she did for fun. “I actually said the words ‘I keep things footloose and fancy free on the weekends’? What the fuck is that? I was like five sentences into the date, too, so he’s going to think it’s my thing, even though I don’t think I’ve said those words together since I was 8 years old. And why did I do a weird little thing with my hands when I said it? Oh no! I just said it again!” At press time, Waldman confirmed that she would get the date under control by saying something normal about always wanting to do the “ol’ 23 skidoo” from work.
Obituary Clearly Just Copied From Wikipedia Article On Genghis Khan #~# FOND DU LAC, WI—Questioning the accuracy of a recent article in the local newspaper, friends and neighbors of late Fond du Lac resident Garry Park, 74, reportedly took issue with The Reporter Wednesday after surmising that Park’s obituary was clearly copied from the Wikipedia article on Genghis Khan. “For starters, it says right here that Garry was born in 1162 in the Khentii Mountains,” said longtime neighbor Deborah Higgins, 68, who claimed Park had barely ever left Wisconsin, as far as she knew, let alone “held control over much of central and northeast Asia.” “Sure, he was a husband and father, that part’s okay, but cripes, he never mentioned having 16 million living male descendants, at least not to me. And he was married to Bev, not Börte, Yesugen, Yesui, Khulan Khatun, Möge Khatun, Juerbiesu, and Ibaqa Beki. Unless that was before they moved to Fond du Lac back in ’71? But I thought Bev and him were high school sweethearts.” At press time, Higgins expressed skepticism about Park conquering the Silk Road and still having time to bowl a 170 average in the Tuesday league at Ledgeview Lanes.
Tucker Carlson Slams Woke Replacement Of Manly News Anchors With Shrieking Identity-Obsessed Losers #~# WASHINGTON—Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson continued his crusade against the nation’s ongoing political and cultural crises Tuesday night when he reportedly slammed the woke replacement of manly news anchors with shrieking identity-obsessed losers. “What has happened to this country? When we turn on our televisions, instead of the serious men with baritone voices who used to tell Americans the real news, all we see now are these identity-obsessed freaks always screeching about the latest cultural fight,” Carlson said during a lengthy tirade against a decades-long decline driven by unknown and likely malevolent forces that supplanted sober newscasters like Walter Cronkite and Edward R. Murrow with bitter, effete men who eschew actual reporting in favor of whining about bizarre social grievances. “The wokes are at it again, folks. There is a war on masculinity and the truth in America, and it’s being led by these weak, shrill pundits who shy away from actually confronting real events that shape our world because they’d rather gripe and moan about some corporate mascot that doesn’t cater to their specific identity or some social media user who didn’t use their preferred language. These are fragile, fragile personalities, basically freaks, and a far cry from the virile, red-blooded American newscasters of our better years. Nothing will ever satisfy these people, because they’re not remotely interested in being satisfied—they need to have everything exactly their way, and if it’s not, they’ll spend an entire hour of primetime television complaining about it.” Carlson then reportedly urged viewers to resist the woke corporations and multinational news conglomerates foisting these shrieking identity-obsessed losers on them, and to resort to violence if necessary.
Children Gather At Edge Of Playground To Watch As Self-Driving Tesla Repeatedly Rams Into Fence #~# CHICAGO—Enthralled by the sight of the 4,000-pound vehicle straining with all its might to break through to them, a group of children had reportedly gathered at the edge of a school playground Wednesday to watch as a self-driving Tesla repeatedly rammed into the fence. “It’s been doing it for, like, 20 minutes straight,” said 10-year-old Alexis Powell, who was among the approximately 30 students who stood just out of reach of the bloodthirsty and determined Tesla Model X. “It was driving along normal but then made a beeline for the playground as soon as it saw us. One kid stuck his finger through earlier, and it was instantly crushed! You can tell it wants in here real bad.” At press time, sources said the students had been called back inside by their teacher, who scolded them for taunting the Tesla by standing so close.
Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza #~# Pizza Hut has broken the world record for the world’s largest pizza, making a nearly 14,000 square-foot New York-style pizza capable of serving 68,000 slices. What do you think?
Everything Jair Bolsonaro Has Done While In Exile In Orlando #~# Far-right Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro fled to the United States after leading an unsuccessful campaign to overturn the results of the presidential last election. Here is everything Bolsonaro has done while in exile in Orlando, FL.
Biden Claps In Amazement After FBI Agent Pulls Classified Document From Behind His Ear #~# WASHINGTON—Cheering for the incredible sleight-of-hand on display, President Joe Biden reportedly clapped in amazement Tuesday after an FBI agent pulled a document marked “top secret” from behind his ear. “Whoa-ho-ho! How the heck did you do that, man?” said the commander-in-chief, who appeared to beam with delight as the agent pretended to sneeze a federal warrant out of his left nostril, allowing him to search Biden for multiple violations of the Presidential Records Act. “I’m serious! I’ve got no idea how you made it look so real! Christ, I wasn’t expecting anything like that in a million years. C’mon, let me see it again!” At press time, sources confirmed the federal officer had responded to the president’s calls for an encore by pulling a pair of handcuffs from his sleeve.
Biologists Torture Amoeba For Information On Where Life Came From #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following orders to obtain vital scientific knowledge through any means necessary, a team of biologists at Harvard University tortured an amoeba in an attempt to extract information on where life came from, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You fuckers have been on this planet for 750 million years, and you want me to believe there’s nothing in that little nucleus of yours about how life originated?” said lead researcher and microbiologist Hammond Paulisack, who operated the lab in which the amoeba was placed in stress positions by chaining its pseudopods behind its cell membrane and was force-fed with a micropipette that pumped algae down its food vacuole. “Was it an asteroid? Huh? Or was it God? Look, buddy, we can do this the easy way or we can do it by plasma-boarding. Your choice.” After refusing to say life was anything more than the byproduct of a chemical accident that produced self-replicating proteins, the amoeba was reportedly locked alone in a darkened petri dish with the same Marilyn Manson song playing on repeat.
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin Marries Longtime Hallucination Of Sexy Space Babe #~# LOS ANGELES—In a small, private ceremony held in the most severely atrophied reaches of his mind, Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin celebrated his 93rd birthday last week by marrying his longtime hallucination of a sexy space babe. “The first time I laid eyes on her she was posing all sexy in a space bikini right outside a window of the lunar module, and from that moment on, I just couldn’t resist,” said the second man to walk on the moon, describing his new space wife’s moon-dappled complexion, her silver-streaked hair like the tail of a comet, and her eight humongous breasts. “Let’s just say we used to kick up a little moondust from time to time down in those craters, if you catch my drift. She’s 63,000 years old, but I’ll be damned if she looks a day over 18. I’m a pretty traditional guy, so before asking for her hand in marriage, I traveled to the Andromeda galaxy to seek the permission of her father, Emperor Kron the Merciless, who is the eternal ruler of a star cluster out that way.” Aldrin went on to describe how, in the decades since they first met, his hot space lady had transcended her corporeal form and now mostly floated over his shoulder telling him to punch people in the face.
School Resource Officer Has Personalized Chokeslam For Every Student #~# OMAHA, NE—In effort to provide each student with specialized attention, local school resource officer Tony Wahl confirmed Tuesday that he had a personalized chokeslam for everyone at Benson Magnet High School. “They love it,” said Wahl, pounding a fist into an open hand as he waited at the door for the line of students to enter the school, where he would greet every child independently with a series of wallops and beatings tailored to each individual’s personal weaknesses. “I like to start the day by shaking, throttling, or punching each kid in a distinctive manner, to let them know they’re all unique in the ways that they’re little pieces of shit. Despite the school having more than 1,500 students, no two are tased in the same place, for instance, because their vulnerable points are not one-size-fits-all. Each child’s windpipe has a different shape, and those differences should all be celebrated with a customized grip. We authority figures have a duty to dehumanize every student in a way that reflects their special shortcomings.” At press time, Wahl had been criticized for mixing up the designated chokeslams of the only two Asian students at the school.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# HALF MOON BAY, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Hampshire resident Lisa Martin, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Report: Minority Of Murders Committed By Someone Victim Didn’t Know, But Could Have If They Had Gone Out And Socialized More #~# WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Department of Justice found that the minority of murders in the U.S. were committed by someone the victim didn’t know, but could have if they had gone out and socialized more. “One out of 10 murder victims were most likely killed by a complete stranger because the victim stayed at home most nights, never really making the effort to go to a party or a bar with friends to mingle and meet new people,” said Dennis Rand, coauthor of the report, explaining the National Crime Survey data showed that if the victims had just overcome their own inhibitions that kept them trapped in their own little worlds, and instead, put themselves out there every once in a while, they could have been murdered by a friend, or at the very least, an acquaintance they saw at the occasional barbecue or summer soccer league game—if they had ever joined in the first place, which they didn’t. “Sadly, 10% of those murdered were killed by someone who didn’t know their name, and, frankly, was only aware of their existence long enough to kill them. The minority of murder victims died sad and alone at the hands of an unknown assailant, when all it would have taken for them to be killed by someone they knew and possibly cared for was the audacity to participate in the world as a human being, which, for all they know, could have led to not only knowing their killer, but a meaningful relationship that helped them grow as people—hell, who knows? It may have even led to something greater, possibly even knowing their killer on the most intimate level as ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’” Rand added that it was all the missed opportunities to open themselves up and know the person, who would kill them, that really made him feel sad for the victims.
‘I Love That It Has Pockets,’ Says Woman Showing Off New Boyfriend #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Appearing pleased and presenting the new acquisition with a twirl, local woman Nelly Winters was overheard saying “I love that it has pockets” to a group of friends Tuesday as she showed off her new boyfriend. “I know it’s not my usual style, but it does have four pockets around the waist and this extra one up here over the breast,” said the 25-year-old, pointing out the features on her boyfriend and boasting of how much stuff she’d be able to carry around when she brought it out with her. “I’ve been looking for something like it for ages, and I finally settled on this one that I found online. You guys can borrow it anytime you want. It’ll probably only last me a year or so—it’s pretty cheap.” At press time, Winters had reportedly acknowledged the boyfriend would be more useful if its pockets were deeper.
Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings #~# Dominican sailor Elvis Francois was rescued by the Colombian navy after he says his sailboat was swept off to sea while making repairs, surviving the 24-day ordeal by eating only a bottle of ketchup and some seasonings. What do you think?
Wealthy Family Sent Little Life Update On Senator They’re Sponsoring #~# DARIEN, CT—Members of the wealthy Allerton family reportedly read their mail with excitement Tuesday after they were sent a little life update on a senator they have sponsored for the past several years. “Thom is doing just great in the Senate—he’s made a lot of friends, and he even recently co-sponsored a bill, none of which would have been possible without your generous donation,” read the letter, one of many that Richard and Ellen Allerton have received every few months since they found it in their hearts to start sponsoring Thom Tillis, a North Carolina man who dreamed of becoming a senator, in 2014. “Enclosed, as always, is Thom’s latest congressional portrait. Doesn’t he look great? We’re happy to report that Thom is healthy, happy, and loves his friends on the Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs. As you know, it gets cold in D.C. during these winter months, but Thom is staying warm with those Armani suits and that down parka your sponsorship enabled him to buy. His speeches are getting better every day, and we’ve also heard that he’s met a nice mistress. We thank you for your contributions and encourage you to even consider increasing the amount you send Thom each month, as this money goes a long way toward helping him pass all that pro-business and pro-Israel legislation you like.” According to sources, the Allerton family was also delighted to receive a handwritten note from the senator they’re sponsoring that read “Thank you so much—you make me smile!” and included an adorable crayon drawing of the Capitol building.
Conservatives Defend Their Right To Have Gas Stoves #~# Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.
Florida Bans African American Studies Course #~# Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run “contrary” to state law and that it “significantly lacks educational value.” What do you think?
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Alabama resident John Duncan, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
Parents Promise Children That Divorce Won’t Prevent Them From Drunkenly Hooking Up On Occasion #~# POCATELLO, ID—Promising that some things about their family would never change, local parents Laney and Graham Porter told their children Monday that their divorce wouldn’t prevent them from drunkenly hooking up on occasion. “Kids, I know you’re sad that I won’t be living here anymore, but that doesn’t mean I won’t sometimes stop by at three in the morning and kill a couple bottles of wine with your mom, going upstairs with her for sad, desperate sex in the bed we used to share,” said Graham Porter, who explained that the former couple’s ongoing dysfunctional attachment to each other would always come first, ensuring that every now and then they would still get together for brief, intoxicated, and ultimately unsatisfying sexual encounters. “Your mom and I love you very much, and both of us will continue to be there for special occasions like your birthdays and graduations, where we’ll deal with the stress of seeing each other in a social setting by having far too much to drink, getting into a blowout fight, and then disappearing into the nearest bathroom or closet for some of the most emotionally fucked-up sex you could ever imagine. That’s a promise.” The parents went on to say that while they would eventually start dating other people, their inability to form healthy relationships would always lead them to sabotage things once they got serious, probably by cheating on their new partners with each other.
Favorite Pizza Topping In Every State #~# Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.
New Pediatric Guidelines Recommend Obese Children Compensate With Personality #~# ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there are over 14 million children in the United States suffering from obesity, and their primary care physicians should encourage them to start developing a larger-than-life personality as soon as possible,” said AAP board member Moira A. Szilagyi, who noted that obese children as young as 12 should set their sights immediately on winning superlatives such as “class clown” or “most school spirit.” “Even small changes, like being 10% brassier in your day-to-day interactions, can make a world of difference. Health care providers should help these children brainstorm a list of potential catchphrases and adopt irreverent nicknames like ‘Dump Truck.’ Plus, working on your physical comedy skills, like slapping your belly, is a fun activity the whole family can enjoy.” At press time, the academy was facing backlash from critics who argued the best approach was for these children to become wallflowers.
Husband Pledges To Stay Sober For 1 Or 2 Weeks While Wife Pregnant #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Wanting to provide his wife with the support she needed during this time, father-to-be Trey McCaffrey told reporters Monday that he had pledged to stay sober for one or two weeks while his wife was pregnant. “If my wife isn’t going to drink for nine months, then as a show of solidarity I’m going to abstain from alcohol too for maybe 10 days or so,” said McCaffrey, adding that he would do anything for his wife and future child, even if it meant he couldn’t drink or smoke weed for up to 5% of the time that she would also be refraining from these substances. “I want to do what’s best for the family we’re making together, and how hard is it to go a week or two sober? It’s the least I can do, really. Besides, I’m still fairly sober after my first or second drink, so it’s not like I won’t be able to have a beer or glass of wine here or there. The only real exception I’d make is if we went to a party or something, but that’s social drinking, which is totally different.” At press time, McCaffrey confirmed his decision to stay sober for “a full 14 days,” while stipulating that he would still be getting completely shitfaced every night.
Black Man Unaware That Book He's Reading First Step Toward Eventually Being Assassinated By FBI #~# PHILADELPHIA—As he thumbed through the pages of a book that caught his eye at a local library, sources reported Monday that area Black man Jaylen Todd was unaware his selection of the title was the first in a series of fateful steps that would end in his assassination by the FBI. “Huh, this seems pretty interesting—I don’t know if I’m going to like it, but I’m curious enough to read more and find out what it has to say,” the 28-year-old reportedly thought to himself, having no idea his interest in the book’s subject would eventually prompt the FBI to open a file on him, track his movements, tap his phone, attempt to blackmail him, and, after several years, secretly hire a mercenary to gun him down in the street. “Who knows, maybe it’ll even turn out to be enlightening. I’m not expecting it to change my life or anything, but I’m sure to get something positive out of it.” At press time, Todd was said to remain unaware that one day he would lie bleeding out in a public square, clutching at the bullet wound in his chest and wishing he had just left The Very Hungry Caterpillar on the shelf.
Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter #~# Oscar-nominated actor Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, whom he killed while rehearsing with a pistol on the New Mexico set of the Western movie Rust. What do you think?
Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain #~# BUFFALO, NY—Reached for comment on his experience officiating the NFL divisional round playoff game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Buffalo Bills, referee Clay Martin told reporters Sunday that he couldn’t help but grin while calling a penalty to bring back a huge gain. “I have to admit, watching those players cavalierly celebrating what they think is a 43-yard pickup, all the while knowing I’m about to toss my flag and wipe that gain right off the board, I couldn’t help but crack a smile,” said Martin, who was observed on television cameras attempting to stifle his laughter after throwing a penalty flag that turned a massive third-down conversion into a ten-yard loss for an offensive holding call. “It’s especially fun when you get to throw the flag right near the guys when they start celebrating and making first-down signals, then watching as the wind goes right out of their sails and they have to make the long walk back downfield. Sometimes they get really mad and start yelling, which we officials all honestly find hilarious. The best part is that I didn’t call holding penalties all the other times they occurred—I waited and bided my time until the penalty would cause maximum frustration to the players and the fans. Man, I love it when the fans get upset.” Later in the game, the officials were seen smiling and giving each other high-fives after a questionable defensive pass interference call allowed the offense to move 57 yards down the field.
Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.
New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout #~# New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who gained international praise for her adept response to the nation’s worst mass shooting and pandemic, will step down, saying she no longer had “enough in the tank” to do the job justice. What do you think?
Alito, Thomas Share Laugh After Discovering They Both Leaked Dobbs Decision #~# WASHINGTON—Pointing at each other and shouting as huge grins formed on their faces, Supreme Court Justices Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas shared a long laugh this week after discovering they had both leaked the decision in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization. “Wait, you leaked the Dobbs majority opinion to Politico back in May? But I leaked the Dobbs majority opinion to Politico back in May!” said Alito, who, through sharp gasps between raucous belly laughs, added how uncanny it was that they both—on the exact same day—posed as an aide, leaked the exact same draft of an upcoming opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, and then tried to pin it on the exact same unspecified clerks when allegations came to light. “Seriously, what are the odds? Plus, neither of us have even gotten close to getting caught. Wait. You’re going to blackmail me? I’m going to blackmail you! Twinsies!” After simultaneously wiping away tears of joy and agreeing to get a beer, Alito and Thomas both acknowledged that they should have known they leaked the same decision after they both harassed the same aides.
LAPD Arrests Dozens Of Homeless Residents Found Squatting In Shelter #~# LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips indicating that unhoused individuals were endangering the community by illegally squatting within a homeless shelter,“ said police Chief Michel Moore, adding that concerned neighbors had complained about people sleeping, eating, and even bathing in the shelter, often for days at a time. “On multiple occasions prior to their arrest, shelter occupants were asked to show their permits, and every single one of them came up empty-handed. Thank goodness we intervened, because many of them were caught stealing soup, clothes, and shoes provided by a volunteer-run charity.” At press time, all individuals in question had been charged with trespassing, and police were spotted lining the homeless shelter with iron bars, large rocks, and steel spikes.
Study: Majority Of NFL Owners Wouldn’t Let Their Children Purchase Football Team #~# BOSTON—As concerns about the long-term consequences of NFL participation continue to grow, a new study released Friday found that a majority of NFL owners wouldn’t let their children purchase a football team. “It was a different time when I bought my way into the NFL, but knowing what we know now, there’s no way in hell I’d let my son do the same,” said Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie, who was among the 72% of NFL owners interviewed for the Boston University study who, citing the risks, expressed significant reservations about one of their own children owning a football franchise. “Back when I bought the team, we just didn’t know about the types of fines you can get as an owner in this league and how those can affect you long-term, never mind what we’ve learned about concussion lawsuits. It can be life-changing when they fine you $500,000, and I couldn’t in good conscience let my son or daughter anywhere near that kind of risk.” Another participant in the study, Las Vegas Raiders owner Mark Davis, revealed to the researchers that his father, former owner Al Davis, actually died from a complete lack of empathy he sustained as a result of owning a football team for decades.
Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges #~# CHICAGO—According to a new study released Friday by researchers at the University of Chicago, 1 in 10 Americans lack access to adequate food eating challenges. “It is a disgrace that in a nation as wealthy as the United States, millions of people across the country do not know where their next 5-pound hamburger is coming from,” said study co-author Dennis Rose, who noted that even with the rise of school programs that offered all students free 72-ounce steaks and gallon milkshakes, many U.S. families were still struggling to put ghost pepper wings on the table. “There are countless small children who will never know the feeling of being so full they throw up a dozen gyros right there on the spot. We found that 1 in 5 children from urban households have never had the opportunity to dunk a hot dog bun in water while consuming as many hot dogs as possible in 10 minutes. There are multiple major cities that lack even a basic pie eating contest within city limits.” At press time, Rose added that less than 10% of free t-shirt winners in the U.S. were people of color.
Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder #~# MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling boulders. “Safety comes first, and when you amputate an arm before a big climb, you can be 100% certain that arm won’t be crushed by a massive rock,” said Bradford, who in order to prepare for his ascent tore into his flesh with a hacksaw that dangled from a carabiner on his climbing harness and dropped his severed limb at the base of the mountain. “Things could turn bad pretty quickly if a slab of that sandstone came tumbling down. You hope it never happens, but you take the precaution so you don’t have to worry about losing your arm in an accident.” At press time, sources confirmed Bradford had realized he was dead wrong after he narrowly survived an avalanche and looked down to see his sawed-off arm buried under several tons of rubble.
Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’ #~# Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things.
China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades #~# China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?
Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches #~# GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I need to take some time and consider what’s best for me, whether that’s returning to the Packers, looking for a trade, or even retirement, and I can’t make that decision without input from the tight circle of omnipotent sorceresses who know me best,” Rodgers said of the group of 8,000-year-old crones with whom he will spend several weeks in an undisclosed, uninhabited marsh as they read the entrails of sacrificed animals to divine his fate. “We’ll be gathering during the first blood moon, which is the ideal time for them to peer into the crystals and see into the different futures I would experience if I requested a trade to the Raiders, Jets, or Colts, or tried to move into the broadcast booth. I don’t want to make this decision lightly, so I really want to take my time with Emelda and Hexe, going through all the incantations that will help me settle on a course of action. I’m just really glad I have my coven of witches to help me decide. Not only have they been with me since the beginning of my career, but they also created me.” At press time, Packers general manager Brian Gutekunst reportedly awoke tied up in a mysterious chamber as a croaking old female voice asked him whether he was prepared to convince Rodgers to return for another season as the team’s quarterback by sacrificing backup Jordan Love.
YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time #~# RUTLAND, VT—After he clicked at blinding speed through recommended videos touting election conspiracy theories, holocaust denial, and outright ethnic cleansing, sources confirmed Thursday that local YouTube speedrunner James Flannery had become a full-blown fascist in record time. According to reports, the speedrun, which took only three minutes and four seconds, began when Flannery opened the video-streaming platform, watched a neutral, 10-second news clip, and then immediately clicked through over 80 pieces of algorithm-suggested content made by various extremist influencers, many with titles like “The Truth About Grooming,” “Why The Aryan Bloodline Matters,” and “The Dangers Of Female Consent.” Though Flannery came in with far more moderate political beliefs than his competition, sources said that by the 30-second mark, he had already begun publicly advocating for genocide, slavery, and eugenics; spent over $10,000 on Patreon memberships, dietary supplements, and black-market erectile dysfunction drugs; and given himself several prominent neo-Nazi tattoos. At press time, Flannery could not be reached for comment, but livestream footage showed him opening his laptop, beginning a second YouTube speedrun, and immediately getting arrested for possession of child pornography.
Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof #~# ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going to recklessly weave their car in and out of traffic going 90 miles per hours, I’d rather they do it in the confines of our own home, where I can at least keep an eye on them,” said mother Laurie Eustis, adding that the kids were going to do it anyway, so they might as well ram their car straight into the wall of their basement rec room. “It’s just easier to control how many people they hit with their vehicle if we’re there to monitor it. This way they can learn how to responsibly mow down a bunch of mailboxes with their friends before throwing up all over the backseat while in a safe space.” Eustis went on to state that her kids had been lucky to be in the safety of their own home last month when they got drunk and drove into the swimming pool.
What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder #~# Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say.
Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm #~# ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little overwhelming, especially since your donations to the sperm bank were supposed to be anonymous, but I just had to meet the man responsible for all that semen I swallowed,” said Nick Hinsdale, explaining how years earlier he had purchased several vials of sperm from a fertility clinic and consumed it for his own gratification. “As I was lapping up the last few drops, I started to have questions, like, where did all this jizz come from? I decided to save just enough sperm for a DNA test, sent the results to one of those genealogy websites, and last week I finally got a match. My God, I’ve been waiting for this day for so long! I realize it may take some time to process all this, but there’s actually a pretty big group of us all over the country who have drunk your sperm and stay in touch on Facebook. I have so many questions for you, starting with whether you’d mind if I slurped down some more of your cum.” At press time, sources reported that Sanderson had called the police.
U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991 #~# According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think?
What To Know About ChatGPT #~# The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.
Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats #~# Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?
Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey #~# WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m supposed to give this to Camilla?” said Warriors rookie shooting guard Ryan Rollins, pulling out a numberless, wadded-up jersey that an aide took and gave to Harris as star players Stephen Curry and Draymond Green chatted with President Biden. “Yeah, that’s for you, I guess. It’s been worn a few times, but you’re welcome to it. Maybe if you have a favorite player, you can write his number on there. It’s up to you, really. We don’t have a signed game ball for you, but we would like to present you with this Dick’s Sporting Goods gift card, which you can use at any location to purchase a regular basketball.” At press time, reports confirmed Harris had worn the wrinkled jersey around the West Wing for the rest of the day but no one commented on it or appeared even to notice.
More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor #~# WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditures, one increasingly common strategy is to replace the high-salaried chief executive and other C-suite occupants with much cheaper incarcerated laborers,” stated the report by the Bureau of Justice Statistics, which found hundreds of instances in which companies—from small businesses to large corporations like General Motors, Walmart, and Nike—were now led by an imprisoned convict who was bused into corporate headquarters each day to perform all the functions of a CEO for an average of 40 cents per hour. “At a time when the average CEO makes nearly 400 times as much as a typical worker, and CEOs at large firms earn north of $25 million per year, more corporate boards are realizing that they can get the same amount of output from a prisoner who works for a fraction of the salary. In several states, including Florida, Georgia, and Texas, these prison CEOs are actually paid nothing for their work. While this raises some thorny ethical issues—like the new incarcerated CEO of AT&T making no salary at all due to prison labor exemptions from federal wage laws—there is no denying that many companies see major benefits from paying their CEOs virtually nothing and experience very few drawbacks with workflows.” The report also found that while employees of these large firms had qualms about their company being led by an incarcerated individual, many acknowledged that their work-life balance had improved, as strict limits on prison phone time left the CEO unable to reach out to their employees around the clock.
Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory #~# While polyamory is growing in popularity, the practice of dating multiple partners is often still widely misunderstood. Here are the most common misconceptions people have about polyamorous relationships.
Experts Warn Gas Stoves May Slowly Ingratiate Selves In Family To Kill And Take Place Of Matriarch #~# BETHESDA, MD—Citing new data on the appliance’s hidden hazards, a statement released Wednesday by the Consumer Product Safety Commission warned that gas stoves could be slowly ingratiating themselves into American households in order to kill the family matriarch and take her place. “According to the latest research, gas ranges may be working discreetly to win the backing of key family members so that they are poised to seize control from a dominant mother or grandmother after they murder her,” said CPSC chair Alexander Hoehn-Saric, noting that a gas stove’s constant presence in the kitchen can make it a rival for matronly authority in many traditional families. “Though things start off innocently enough, with the stove helping the matriarch in the kitchen and cooking the family’s food, the situation may escalate quickly as the appliance forges alliances and consolidates power. First, it’s just a burn here or there, but one day, a mother leans in to remove a casserole and the door slams shut behind her. Then maybe she’s incinerated and her remains are disposed of with the oven’s self-cleaning function. Next thing you know, your children are referring to the appliance as their new mommy.” Hoehn-Saric went on to urge male heads of household to contact the CPSC immediately if their gas stove begins wearing their wife’s perfume and pearls and sleeping on her side of the bed at night.
‘Eat The Flesh, Suck The Bones,’ Only Thing Everyone In Buffalo Wild Wings Thinking #~# CHICOPEE, MA—Silently chanting the refrain in their heads as they stared dead-eyed at half-eaten platters, every customer in a local Buffalo Wild Wings was reportedly only thinking “Eat the flesh, suck the bones, suck the flesh, eat the bones,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “The flesh gives strength, the bones give nourishment,” reported a voice deep within the psyche of Peter Williamson, 43, and every other customer in the establishment, whose eyes rolled back as the monotonous incantation commanded them to find more Mango Habanero–, Asian Zing–, or Desert Heat–glazed chicken meat in the pile of discarded bones. “Lick the skin, grind the bones. Chew and suck, suck and chew. Munch munch munch munch. Feel the meat coursing through the veins. Bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones bones.” At press time, the synchronized, meat-based dirge reportedly commanded every customer to just ignore the celery.
Blue Cross CEO Admits It Would Really Help If Sick Insured People Just Killed Themselves #~# CHICAGO—Stressing that such individuals would be doing her company a solid, Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Kim Keck announced Wednesday that it would really help if sick insured people just killed themselves. “Look, let me be frank here, if a few hundred thousand people deep into cancer treatment just offed themselves, our quarterly revenue would be boosted in a big way,” said Keck, who admitted it would help her fellow board members if any policyholder suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, a debilitating stroke, diabetes, or any other expensive late-stage illness could simply blow their brains out. “Honestly, even if you’re only coming down with a bad fever, you’d be making our lives a lot easier if you went and hung yourself. Just make sure you actually have the guts to go through with it. Because if you get paralyzed from a botched attempt and we have to pay for some sad sack coma case, the rest of the execs will be pissed.” Keck rushed to clarify that any patients considering helping them out should not apply for assisted suicide, as that wasn’t covered under any of their plans.
USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees #~# The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think?
Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut #~# Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?
Debt-Ridden 4th-Grader Shouldn’t Have Recklessly Invested In Lunch #~# SAN ANTONIO—Saying a series of fiscally irresponsible decisions had led to the local 10-year-old’s present insolvency, top financial analysts stated Tuesday that debt-ridden fourth-grader Daniel Brown should have stopped himself from recklessly investing in so many school lunches. “Instead of asking whether it was wise to put all of his money into solid foods, he just kept taking a tray of spaghetti or chicken tenders almost every single day,” said economist Brenda Maronnes, observing that there are children like Brown all over America who lack the financial self-discipline required to forgo a hot meal and, as a result, spend the rest of their student years buried deep in school lunch debt. “If you’re going to gamble your whole allowance on a daily carton of milk, that’s your choice, but is the quick fix of calcium and vitamins really worth it once your creditworthiness is destroyed? Balanced meals don’t make for balanced budgets.” Maronnes went on to acknowledge that financially carelessness children often learn from the example set by their parents, many of whom lack the prudence to diversify their portfolios and put all of their income into groceries and rent.
Man’s Family Too Ugly To Elicit Incestuous Fantasies #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Grateful that his relatives weren’t attractive enough to tempt him, local man Darren Doherty told reporters Tuesday that his family was too ugly to elicit any incestuous fantasies. “Thank God my family is far too hideous for me to daydream about fucking them,” said Doherty, claiming that if he were part of any other family he wouldn’t be able to help himself. “My sister is busted, my dad’s a troll, and my mom’s a three at best, which is pretty much the only thing stopping me from jumping their bones. Because it’s definitely not the taboo itself. I find that part incredibly hot.” At press time, Doherty had backtracked slightly after recalling what a hot piece of ass his 93-year-old grandmother was.
Wistful Woman Doesn’t Want Kids But Still Wants To Name People #~# ARLINGTON, VA—Struggling with what she called an “impossible decision,” local 32-year-old Olivia Montero told reporters Tuesday she didn’t want kids, but still wanted to name people. “Even though I’ve never been able to picture myself as a mother, there’s still some biological urge deep inside of me that wants to bestow upon someone the moniker Joshua,” said Montero, who stated that while she had zero interest in raising or nurturing a child, she just could not escape the feeling that her life would not be complete until she had chosen other people’s names for them. “Every time one of my friends announces they’ve named a new person Sophia, I can’t help thinking: Is that something I want? Is that something that would fulfill me? To name a human being Sophia? And what happens one day when I get old? I don’t want to spend my final years wasting away in some nursing home, regretting how I never named a bunch of people Kylie and Nash and Harrison.” At press time, Montero assured herself that whatever happened, she would still get to name her nieces and nephews.
2024 Election To Be Decided By Whoever Can Keep Hand On White House The Longest #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to award the country’s highest office to the nominee who wants it the most, officials announced Tuesday that the 2024 presidential election would be decided by whoever could keep their hand on the White House the longest. “Beginning today, all candidates hoping to become president of the United States will place their hand on the White House in a endurance contest for the ages,” said Federal Election Commission chair Dara Lindenbaum, explaining that the last presidential hopeful to take their hand off the executive residence would be immediately declared commander in chief. “We will go as long as it takes, so please come prepared if you want to be POTUS. While restrooms will not be provided, contestants may use the South Portico. And thank you to our sponsors at 103.5 KISS FM for helping to make this presidential election happen.” At press time, Trump was reportedly eliminated while trying to swat away a bee.
Things People Hate The Most About Nepotism Babies #~# We all know celebrities are privileged, but that privilege grows exponentially when it’s passed on to their spawn. Here are the things people hate the most about nepo babies.
Black Woman Doesn’t Want To Admit She Actually Does Know Random Other Black Woman Coworker Brought Up #~# KANSAS CITY, MO—Attempting to keep a straight face amidst an awkward racial faux pas, local Black woman Imani Coleman reportedly didn’t want to admit that she actually did know the random other Black woman her coworker asked her about Monday. “It’s really frustrating, since I know he only brought up Vanessa because he assumes I’m Black and she’s Black, so we must have some kind of connection—but in this case, I really do know her,” said Coleman, adding that she could not bring herself to acknowledge the truth to her coworker, who, by accident and despite his complete ignorance of the situation, had been correct when he stated that the two Black women must be acquainted. “That’s a totally racist assumption to make, so I can’t give this guy the satisfaction of knowing that Vanessa and I have, in fact, been close friends for years. She goes to my church, and we see each other all the time. We’re cousins, actually, and to be honest, we do kind of look alike, so I can’t even call people out when they get the two of us confused. Goddamn it.” At press time, sources confirmed Coleman had grown even more frustrated when her coworker, relying on another tired stereotype, managed to accurately guess that she had grown up without a father.
Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped #~# Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?
Report Finds Billionaires Paying Zero Dollars In Income Taxes By Writing ‘No Thank You Please’ On Return #~# NEW YORK—Shedding new light on how the nation’s wealthiest avoided paying taxes, a new report released Monday by ProPublica found that U.S. billionaires have been paying zero dollars in federal income taxes for years by writing, “No thank you please,” on their returns. “Dozens of billionaires fail to pay their fair share every year by simply writing nothing on their tax return except, ‘No, I do not want to do that,’” said senior reporter Nathan Simonton, coauthor of the bombshell report, who obtained hundreds of pages of tax records that had been left completely blank by billionaires who couldn’t even be bothered to humor the IRS. “The top .001% wealthiest Americans have gotten away with the so-called ‘red Sharpie’ loophole every year. Bill Gates does it. Jeff Bezos does it. Michael Bloomberg drew a big angry face with a speech bubble that said ‘NO.’”At press time, Simonton added that a few savvy billionaires had even received tax credits by writing, “No, you give me money,” on their returns.
Field Sobriety Test Asks Driver Whether Calling Ex Sounds Like Good Idea #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you might want to give your ex a call?” asked officer Brent McCarthy, telling the man to step out of his car and scroll through his contacts to determine whether he was still under the legal alcohol consumption limit and therefore able to resist dialing up his ex-girlfriend to ask where things went wrong. “Be honest, Mr. Banks, have you had the urge tonight to admit you have residual feelings for a woman who told you she never wants to hear from you again? Okay, now please stick out your arms, close your eyes, and bring your phone to your ear. I’ve seen enough, sir—car 499 to central, this man tried to hit FaceTime at 3 a.m., I’m bringing him in.” At press time, McCarthy had restrained the belligerent man after he frantically lunged for the officer’s phone.
Andrew Tate Defense Team Assembled From Dozens Of Lawyers Trafficked From Eastern Europe #~# BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from eastern Europe. “I coerced a bunch of young lawyers to come to Romania and be on my defense team by promising them that they’re going to win my case and get rich,” said Tate in a three-minute video posted to his Rumble page, explaining that he transported the attorneys from Bulgaria, Belarus, and Moldova to Romania in shipping crates to avoid the authorities and was housing them in a warehouse barracks where they were required to spend 18 hours a day building his legal case. “These lawyers are pliable and hungry, and that’s the exact kind of lawyer you want to smuggle into your country to be on your legal team. It was easy to get them here—all I had to do was tell them that with me they’ll have enough money and success to open up their own practice someday, and now they’ll do whatever I want. Of course I had to confiscate their passports and cell phones, as well as take control of their bank accounts as a precaution, but they’re so grateful for the opportunity to represent me in court that they don’t even care that they can’t talk to their families anymore. So what if some of them are underage?” At press time, Tate’s Hustlers University 2.0 had released a course instructing young men on how to build a side hustle of getting arrested and trafficking lawyers.
Hospital Tells Woman It Can Schedule CPR Appointment In 6 Weeks #~# COLUMBUS, OH—Informing her the facility was currently operating beyond capacity and experiencing delays, staff at Columbus Memorial Hospital told a woman suffering cardiac arrest that they could schedule an appointment for her to undergo CPR in six weeks. “If you could just stay home and try to avoid any strenuous activities between now and early March, we should have someone available at that time to administer chest compressions,” an ER receptionist said in a phone call with local 83-year-old Beatrice Nelkin, explaining that if her heart attack had worsened by then and she had stop breathing, she could make a separate appointment for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, a procedure for which the hospital was currently booking into August. “They usually do 30 compressions, and if that isn’t enough to get your heart beating again, they’ll schedule you for an additional 30 at a later time. No, no—please don’t just come in. If you really want something sooner, we could do a telehealth appointment for CPR in three weeks. Would that work?” At press time, sources confirmed the hospital had charged Nelkin $15,000 for dying without canceling her appointment in advance.
Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts #~# PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts. “We have reason to believe Powell has put both company and personal assets directly into crispy, fresh-baked crusts in locations all over the Cayman Islands,” said U.S. attorney Asa McDaniels, stating that the CEO had hidden millions from the government in this way in order to avoid paying taxes on Pizza Hut’s substantial holdings in 100% real whole-milk mozzarella cheese. “Treasury Department agents first caught wind of these piping-hot, melty assets when Powell’s tax return was suspiciously covered in more grease than what he was claiming on the forms. From there, they found the Pizza Hut executive had concealed more than $138 million in fermented dairy products inside a single layer of golden-brown dough in Switzerland.” At press time, Powell was caught attempting to destroy evidence by eating what was left of his Bahamian stash of pepperoni.
Most Common Questions Sex Therapists Get Asked #~# With an increasing number of people seeking professional help to address intimacy issues, The Onion examines the most common questions that sex therapists get asked.

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