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She's so ugly she has to sneak up on a mirror.
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My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.
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Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
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The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Why didn't the Indian like having two t.p.'s? They made him 2 tence.
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Sure boss, I'd love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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Don't tell me I don't know the difference between right & wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
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At this point in my life, my resume's special skills section just says: pronounces Massachusetts towns and can nap on planes.
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I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.
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Hot older men in your area want to know if you have been playing with the thermostat?
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I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.
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I start every conversation with my employees by saying, I shouldn't be telling you this just so I know they will listen.
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It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
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Marriage is mostly misreading facial expressions and asking each other, You ok?
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I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
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One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? Money.
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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone and a nearby dog barked and ran away. Now I am still looking for the dog to unlock my phone.
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Crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime?
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Tim bought 2 goldfish and named them 1 and 2. If 1 died, he'll still have 2.
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I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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