Dataset Viewer
id
large_string | author
large_string | title
large_string | selftext
large_string | score
int64 | log_score
float64 | num_comments
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timestamp[us] | num_tokens
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13qmmhc | Cooper3333 | What's the difference between a compulsive person and a fat person? | One has OCD and the other has OBCD | 28 | 3.332205 | 7 | 2023-05-24T14:02:20 | 24 |
1c0hjsz | Botosup | A man dressed up as a pregnant woman boards a plane | A man dressed up as a pregnant woman boards a plane. The flight attendant immediately notices the "woman" and comes closer, making all sorts of "Awww" and "Ohhh" sounds.
"...And do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"
"Twins." | 1 | 0 | 3 | 2024-04-10T09:36:29 | 69 |
1cdro0r | Urgullibl | An old Jewish guy dies and goes to the afterlife | Once there, he meets G-d. The two really hit it off, start hanging out all the time, having a good time. Then at some point, the guy tells G-d a Holocaust joke. G-d is silent for a while and then goes: "you know, that's not very funny."
The guy sighs and replies ">!I guess you had to be there.!<" | 4 | 1.386294 | 2 | 2024-04-26T17:44:42 | 90 |
rodbji | rawrxdlmoax3 | My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis. | We declined his offer.
We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place. | 20 | 2.995732 | 0 | 2021-12-25T17:05:39 | 62 |
w8jer3 | Tristan_Gabranth | How do you piss off an archeologist? | Ask her why she dates everything she sees | 141 | 4.94876 | 19 | 2022-07-26T13:09:39 | 18 |
1cagu9o | Feisty_Gas_1655 | Asylun letter | A crazy person was in the asylum when a letter arrived for him.
The other crazies came to see. When he opened the letter, there was a blank sheet inside. And he said, "It's from my brother!" - "How do you know?" asked the other crazies. And he replied, "We're not talking." | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-04-22T17:33:20 | 78 |
107uuoz | BAC200proof | at the grocery store, I see a kid pushing like 50 shopping carts | I shout "HEY! someone else might want to use one of those carts!" | 0 | 0 | 1 | 2023-01-10T00:11:26 | 32 |
zfedvk | Buddy2269 | When I was in the bar last night. | I met a lovely lady.
Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance, so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.
And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake." | 13 | 2.564949 | 0 | 2022-12-07T21:25:14 | 84 |
xygulv | Boofrick | Excerpt from a newspaper, "Cocaine found on sidewalk" | "On Oct. 19, a small bag of a white powdered substance was found laying on the sidewalk of 50th Street and 49th Avenue in Sedgewick. The substance was determined to be cocaine.
"The owner of the cocaine is welcome to come into the Killam/Forestburg RCMP detachment to claim their property."
Source: "The Community Press" Newspaper, November 2, 2010, Sedgewick, Alberta, Canada | 5 | 1.609438 | 1 | 2022-10-08T02:17:07 | 111 |
1bl88sy | Ranbo2010 | I’ve got this joke but I’m not sure it works | Why do Germans not like to play games with the French.
Because the French lose too quickly. | 1 | 0 | 2 | 2024-03-22T19:46:58 | 31 |
15jrabi | Latskyler | Did you hear about the peaceful protest in China? | [Message redacted in ordinance with an ongoing agreement with the CCP] | 1 | 0 | 2 | 2023-08-06T14:41:33 | 24 |
1h5oekz | AbhishekT1wari | The man strode into the bustling diner like he owned the place | and trailing behind him was a peculiar sight—a full-grown ostrich, its sleek feathers gleaming under the neon lights. The waitress, a sharp-eyed woman with a smirk that could cut glass, raised an eyebrow.
“What’ll it be?” she asked, pen poised over her notepad.
Without missing a beat, the man leaned back in his chair, exuding an air of mystery. “A hamburger, fries, and a Coke,” he said smoothly, before turning to his unlikely companion. “And you?”
The ostrich, who had an inexplicable air of sophistication, cocked its head. “I’ll have the same,” it said in a voice that was both confident and strange.
When the bill arrived—$9.40, to be exact—the man reached into his pocket. Without hesitation, he produced the exact amount, not a penny more, not a penny less.
The next day, they returned. Same order, same scene, same exact change pulled from the depths of his pocket. It became a routine—so routine, in fact, that the waitress stopped bothering to ask until one Friday night when the man broke the cycle.
“I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” he declared, his voice carrying a touch of indulgence.
“Same,” echoed the ostrich, its tone unwavering.
When the check arrived—$32.62 this time—the man once again fished out the precise amount without so much as a second thought.
By now, the waitress’s curiosity was a live wire. She couldn’t hold back any longer. “Alright, mister,” she began, her voice dripping with intrigue. “What’s your secret? How do you always have the exact change?”
The man leaned forward, a glint of amusement in his eye. “Years ago, I stumbled upon an old lamp while cleaning out my attic. Turns out, it had a genie inside.”
“A genie?” she repeated, her skepticism tinged with fascination.
“Yep,” he said, his tone nonchalant. “Granted me two wishes. My first was that I’d always have the exact amount of money I needed for anything—be it a cup of coffee or a private jet.”
The waitress let out a low whistle. “Smart. Most people would just wish for a pile of cash.”
He shrugged, his expression sly. “Why settle for a pile when you can have a bottomless well?”
Her eyes narrowed. “And the ostrich? What’s its deal?”
The man’s smirk faltered, and he sighed, the weight of a decision made long ago hanging in the air. “My second wish,” he said, his voice tinged with regret, “was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
| 1 | 0 | 3 | 2024-12-03T14:18:14 | 585 |
rzdd3t | VERBERD | Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a saint. | Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind. | 18 | 2.890372 | 7 | 2022-01-08T23:32:53 | 30 |
1fthdhr | Gheti_ | A friend asked if I had ever been in a threesome. | And wake up next to TWO disappointed women?? No thanks! | 644 | 6.467699 | 44 | 2024-10-01T06:13:37 | 24 |
1gv9d7d | Fine-Palpitation-301 | I considered being a firefighter, but.. | the idea didn't ignite my interest. | 5 | 1.609438 | 3 | 2024-11-19T22:05:20 | 16 |
11btn7g | MeetInPotatoes | What's the difference between a gold digger and a prostitute? | A prostitute has the professional courtesy to give you an estimate up front. | 44 | 3.78419 | 4 | 2023-02-25T19:39:51 | 27 |
rya4jz | Vietnom | I finally understand the ending of Lord of the Rings! | All those names are people who worked on the movie. | 179 | 5.187386 | 15 | 2022-01-07T15:35:46 | 22 |
tvqvw8 | prankerjoker | I have a new job, telling people about the benefits of dried grapes... | I am raisin awareness! | 15 | 2.70805 | 4 | 2022-04-04T02:27:41 | 21 |
rzc4a0 | CrimsonAvenger_ZA | Being a baby must be scary. | Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart. | 38 | 3.637586 | 5 | 2022-01-08T22:38:54 | 17 |
1dphx09 | Goodjawline | Guys if you want a hawk twah here's the plan! You gotta wash your Wille and make it spic and span! | Said to my wife as I exited the shower today. | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-06-27T03:45:50 | 41 |
1bj92vk | SkyTreeSF | Why did the chicken cross the road? | To get to the New York Times. Get it?
No. I get the Wall Street Journal. | 1 | 0 | 7 | 2024-03-20T09:05:20 | 29 |
1am8ov3 | -Oespo | Why do aromantic people love computer games? | Because they can play them with aro keys. | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-02-08T22:49:32 | 19 |
1agtehk | Excellent_Regret4141 | There was a cartoon character who escaped jail | They called him Fled Flintstone | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-02-02T02:53:50 | 15 |
1fc7qqb | Fancy-Licker-66UK | Sam, has just received a pizza delivery . He’s slicing it and says to his wife. | Shall cut it into four or eight pieces? She says you better make it four, Because I don’t think I can eat eight. | 1 | 0 | 23 | 2024-09-08T20:41:39 | 46 |
t33uga | MysticJoJo | A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them. | Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow this tactic seems to be producing results. For the next fifteen minutes, the Ukrainians take out dozens of Russian troops through nothing more than shouting "bang" at them while waving dummy guns, but eventually, they notice a cluster of half a dozen soldiers that seems immune to the imaginary bullets. The civilians concentrate their "fire" on them, but they continue to advance, tightly packed together and marching forward in perfect unison. Once the group is within a hundred feet or so, the Ukrainians are beginning to grow desperate, so one of them shouts out, "We're shooting you! You should be falling over!" The Russian in front, still advancing, replies. "That will not work on us. We are a tank!" | 23 | 3.135494 | 8 | 2022-02-28T01:55:15 | 238 |
x7pb8b | jimph | Walks into a bar | A guy walks into a bar and says "give me a fucken beer!"
And the bartender says "Sir, this is a mixed bar, mind your language!"
And the guy says "give me a fucken beer!!"
The bartender replies "you seem to be a well dressed professional, what is it with all the abuse?"
And the guy says "well I am an engineer, but i didn't say i was civil"! | 2 | 0.693147 | 4 | 2022-09-06T23:31:28 | 93 |
x99iwd | DowntownExternal | In the UK most people complain about the bad weather... | In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign. | 204 | 5.31812 | 6 | 2022-09-08T19:37:51 | 43 |
1ghn8db | TomWithTime | People accuse me of being divisive | But it's in my DNA, I feel divided even at a cellular level | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-11-02T03:03:55 | 21 |
szeyxz | CocoJumbo31 | What would you do if the world ended tomorrow? | I'd move to Bosnia because the country is 10 years behind everyone. | 7 | 1.94591 | 4 | 2022-02-23T11:10:54 | 26 |
wict3p | Secure-Proposal-3025 | Why does Anakin Skywalker hate Metallica? | Because their biggest songs are Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets. | 0 | 0 | 10 | 2022-08-07T10:41:35 | 24 |
18nyafv | fashionfan007 | What do you call your grandparent after they have diarrhea? | A blast from the past | 1 | 0 | 3 | 2023-12-21T21:48:29 | 17 |
16aderl | Miserable-Plane678 | Did you know Iron Man is chemically a woman? | He’s actually a Fe male. | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-09-05T03:49:08 | 18 |
somi2e | Smirnaff | Russian, Ukrainian and Ethiopian babies got mixed up at birth. | The doctors invited their fathers so they could try to figure out which baby belongs to whom. Ukrainian father without any hesitation just takes an Ethiopian child and is about to leave the room.
"You idiot! Can't you see, this is obviously not your child!" - shouts Russian father
"Who cares, at least it's most certainly not a Moskal'" | 13 | 2.564949 | 0 | 2022-02-09T20:03:07 | 83 |
14s7act | sladeshied | Stop wearing jackets in the summer | You musty folks are not slicks! | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-07-06T12:08:55 | 15 |
14ljmxe | frowawayduh | What's the difference between "interned" and "interred"? | When they catch you fooling around with an underage intern
the judge will have you interned
your wife will have you interred. | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2023-06-28T20:07:00 | 42 |
yeqssl | chizass | an art collector and his wife.. | an art collector and his wife are at marriage counseling
the wife says: "I dont think he loves me anymore"
the collector says: "she's just with me for the Monet" | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2022-10-27T12:33:47 | 46 |
1en2wdi | Ok_Mood7847 | Strawberry joke | **Why was the Strawberry sad?**
Her Mom was in a jam!
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-08-08T10:54:06 | 20 |
15og6s1 | peanutanniversary | Say this joke after you beat someone in a game. | You're like an Italian man with his foot in his mouth.
🤌 You tasted defeat 🤌 | 2 | 0.693147 | 0 | 2023-08-11T18:11:57 | 34 |
rfztvs | [deleted] | Why do hummingbirds hum? | They can't remember the words. | 2 | 0.693147 | 0 | 2021-12-14T05:05:18 | 13 |
1f2seal | Anhedonia_678 | If a one eyed person wears glasses | Do you call them two eyes? | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-08-27T21:12:56 | 15 |
12gbexy | dandan_56 | The best pet for beginners is a mouse. | They only live 5 days and require no food or water. | 100 | 4.60517 | 6 | 2023-04-09T06:43:47 | 22 |
1hin7sq | leonxsnow | You know what propagander is don't you? | A Cockney having a good ol look | 59 | 4.077537 | 3 | 2024-12-20T16:14:09 | 18 |
rtrdyu | jschne21 | How did the pharmaceutical company make big money with their line of biotics? | By making them go pro. | 6 | 1.791759 | 0 | 2022-01-01T20:12:08 | 21 |
11pnlh3 | picklestirfry | My friends say I'm always underreacting | They often tell me to stop being so mellow dramatic | 11 | 2.397895 | 2 | 2023-03-12T19:37:18 | 20 |
zmbjhh | Mr_Kill3r | I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker. | Voyeur I think is the legal term. | 213 | 5.361292 | 13 | 2022-12-15T04:01:17 | 25 |
ztegpy | BatongMagnesyo | what the hell is wrong with society? someone donates a kidney and they're considered a hero | i donate 5 kidneys and they consider me as a mass murderer who deserves to rot in hell? | 25 | 3.218876 | 4 | 2022-12-23T12:49:05 | 39 |
zom2j1 | NotBaksmax8052 | I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist | but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture | 15 | 2.70805 | 3 | 2022-12-18T01:11:28 | 18 |
1f466jc | A_Mirabeau_702 | I don’t know why some people complain that games have too much LGBTQ+ content these days. | Every game you’ve ever played has come out. | 196 | 5.278115 | 18 | 2024-08-29T16:04:43 | 29 |
ru9hv4 | KamikazeMachine | My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him... | ...to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me. | 735 | 6.59987 | 20 | 2022-01-02T13:21:41 | 38 |
tqqvqe | phonemonkey669 | Did you hear about the deleted scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where Arthur got lost in China? | He was greeted by the Knights Who Say, "Ni Hao!" | 0 | 0 | 1 | 2022-03-29T03:40:04 | 36 |
11q3og1 | RaulQX | There was a concert in Joe's farm | The horse, the cat and the dog were really impressed by their performance.
The next day, the horse asks the cat and the dog if they would like to create their own band and go to Europe to perform live.
"Are you stupid, we are animals" said the dog.
"Don't worry, I saw an announcement in the newspaper that says that they can teach anyone to sing or to play any instrument." said the horse.
So the horse went ahead and made the phone call.
"Hello, I would like to play the drums" said the horse.
"Hi, yes we can teach you." answered the woman on the phone.
"But I am a horse, is that a problem?" asked the horse
"Well, not particularly, I don't think so" said the woman.
So then the horse goes to the agency and a week later comes back to the farm.
He calls for the dog and the cat and he shows them how good he can play the drums. It's even better than the drummer from concert they've attended.
The dog, very impressed said that he would also like to learn how to play the guitar.
"Are you stupid, you are a dog, you cannot play the guitar" said the cat
"But look at the horse, I want to try it." said the dog.
So the dog calls the agency and says:
"Hello, I would like to play the guitar"
"No problem, we can teach you" said the woman.
"But I am a dog, are you sure you can?" continued the dog.
"Yes, we most likely can given our history" said the woman.
The dog then went ahead and after one week came back to the farm and showed the horse and the cat just how good he became at playing the guitar.
The cat then, who didn't want to be left out went ahead and called the agency.
"Hello, I would like to learn how to sing." said the cat.
"Hi, yes we can teach you" answered the woman.
"But I am a cat, is that a problem?" the cat asked.
"Absolutely not" the woman reassured the cat.
Then one week later the cat comes back and starts singing.
The farmer, Joe, hears the cat and rapidly goes to see what's the fuss over there.
The three animals explain what they've been doing so Joe thinks it would be a good idea to have them perform live at the local bar.
At the bar there was one guy who was so impressed with the trio's performance that he told them he would like to offer them a contract for a tour in Europe. It was everything they wanted, so they accepted.
They boarded the plane, but sadly it crashed, only horse escaping alive. After 2 weeks in a hospital, horse is released and he goes to the local bar. The barman then asks:
"Why the long face?" | 12 | 2.484907 | 2 | 2023-03-13T08:03:43 | 614 |
1aivcs6 | Gerry1of1 | Bad, Good, and Great News | An Anchorage woman went out kayaking but never returned.
The next day two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers went to see her husband.
"Mr. Wilkins, we have some information about your wife", one said.
"Did you find her?!" asked the husband.
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news" the trooper said.
"Give me the bad news first."
The Trooper said "I'm sorry but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"OMG. What's the good news?" asked her husband.
"When we pulled her up she had twelve 25 pound King Crabs and six good size Dungeness Crabs clinging to her. We feel you entitled to a share in the catch."
Shocked the husband asked, "What on Earth could the Great news be?"
The Trooper said, "We're pulling her back up again tomorrow." | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-02-04T18:56:22 | 207 |
179yp1s | YZXFILE | A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. |
The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.
His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit.
The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.
She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"
To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," she says.
"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.
"Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good..."
"So I just swapped their heads." | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-10-17T13:44:12 | 335 |
1fqv380 | Chance_Answer7984 | What's the difference between Jesus and a vampire? | It takes a sharp chunk of wood to kill a vampire. | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-09-27T18:50:33 | 24 |
skqn4c | supdogs69 | 3 ducks went in a no trespassing area | when they were caught the judge ask the first duck ¨what were you doing there¨
the 1st duck said ¨i was blowing bubbles¨
then the judge asked the second duck ¨what were you doing there¨
the second duck said ¨i was blowing bubbles¨
the judge said to the third ¨let me guess you were blowing bubbles to?¨
the third duck said ¨no i am bubbles¨ | 0 | 0 | 2 | 2022-02-04T22:41:58 | 100 |
rcv6pl | snaro101 | A butler | … was dusting of the bookshelves when the phone rang. He picked up
“This is James speaking, at your service”
“James, is my wife at home?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she alone?”
“No, sir”
“Is she with my lawyer?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she in her bedroom?”
“I’m afraid so, sir”
“I see. Well, Alright then. Listen closely James: I want you to go to the gun locker and get my hunting rifle”
“Yes, sir”
So James went and got the rifle, then returned to the phone.
“I got it, sir”
“Good man. Is it loaded?”
“Yes, sir”
“Excellent. No go to my wife’s bedroom and shoot both her and my lawyer”
“Yes, sir”
And James went and shot them both, then returned to the phone.
“It’s done, sir”
“Grand. Now, pick up the Persian rug from the drawing room and roll the bodies up into it.”
“Yes, sir, on my way”
After quite some ado, James returned to the phone.
“The rug is packed, sir”
“Splendid. Now, pick up the shovel from the garage and dig up a hole behind the petunias”
“Petunias, sir?”
“Yes, the petunias behind the tennis court”
“We don’t have a tennis court, sir”
“Oh dear, I got the wrong number again” | 26 | 3.258097 | 0 | 2021-12-10T00:13:01 | 301 |
szny96 | damagednoob | I was talking to a girl and she told me, "I need a man who will treat me like a princess" | So I hired the paparazzi to chase her and she died in a car crash. | 6 | 1.791759 | 4 | 2022-02-23T18:14:05 | 42 |
x83r16 | dethmstr | What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold? | Thanks for the gold, kind stranger
Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind strangers | 4,675 | 8.449984 | 94 | 2022-09-07T12:23:34 | 45 |
112p4r8 | wimpykidfan37 | Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves, a sea captain and his crew were informed by their lookout that they were in danger of being boarded by five pirate ships at once. | The captain ordered to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt. The captain put it on and led his crew into battle. Although some casualties occurred, the pirates were repelled. The good sailors sailed on in triumph.
A few days later, the lookout yelled out that there were now ten pirate ships approaching. The crew was terrified, but the captain ordered again to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
An even bigger battle ensued. There were even more casualties than in the last battle, but once again the good sailors were victorious.
That night, one of the sailors asked the captain, "Why did you ask your first mate to bring your red shirt?"
"Well," replied the captain, "if I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will not show my blood, and you will continue to fight those nasty pirates without any fear." All the men were impressed with their captain's courage.
A few mornings later, the lookout again called out that there were pirate ships approaching. But this time, there were one hundred of them.
The sailors all turned to the captain, hoping for his usual command.
After a moment, the captain ordered to his first mate, "Bring me my yellow pants!" | 64 | 4.158883 | 9 | 2023-02-15T04:12:03 | 292 |
11u2dtl | CaptainBeans_ | What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? | Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system. | 16,556 | 9.714504 | 693 | 2023-03-17T20:14:28 | 20 |
1gqeo48 | incredibleinkpen | In order to rebuild my sexual appetite, my therapist suggested I abstain. | I've been rubbing blueberries over my stomach for three hours now but I'm still not horny. | 258 | 5.55296 | 25 | 2024-11-13T14:54:55 | 36 |
1bbzdo9 | BluePotatoSlayer | A Few Grams of Plutonium a day and it’ll keep the doctor away. | It’ll be the Hazmat Team that drags you dead body away instead | 2 | 0.693147 | 0 | 2024-03-11T09:43:04 | 34 |
10k9wqr | Awesomeuser90 | How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester? | Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly. | 25 | 3.218876 | 9 | 2023-01-24T16:50:20 | 24 |
1c8diw1 | Starbucks__Lovers | I never told my wife I had an ex-fiancee |
One thing I never told my wife is that I had a fiancee before her. It’s a long story, so buckle up.
It was the year after I graduated college. I was dating my girlfriend, Stephanie, for a couple years and things were getting serious. At the time, I had my roommate, Joey, but he was a Craigslist roommate. We didn’t know each other very well. If you asked me how I knew him aside from Craigslist, the answer is I didn’t. He wouldn’t even tell me where he grew up.
Now, no shit, on the day I was going to propose, tragedy struck. I adorned our apartment with candles and even set up a nice glass display with framed pictures of me and Steph on top. Before Steph came in, Joey walked in and tripped. He actually shattered the glass display and got some in his face. Steph came in a few minutes later as I was on the phone with 911. Fortunately, Steph is a nurse, so she was able to patch him up as the three of us went to the hospital together.
Joey would recover, but he had some issues with glass on his face. He needed some cotton gauze inside his eye, which fortunately the doctors were able to save.
Clearly, I put off my proposal for the time being. Steph’s hours were wonky so she took care of Joey when I wasn’t around. And I should’ve seen the red flags, but I ignored them. They’d hang out together with and without me. They’d be in Joey’s room and lock the door.
One day, I came home and all of Joey’s stuff was gone. He moved out. Steph wrote a note. The note said, “We fell in love and we’re leaving together. Don’t try to find us.”
I didn’t listen and I searched, but true to the note, I couldn’t find them. I’ll never know what happened.
Suffice to say, if it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? | 1,312 | 7.179308 | 72 | 2024-04-20T01:15:41 | 460 |
1b97t3g | nothinlefttochoose | Just saw my dentist and he is freaked out that his practice is being investigated by the SEC. | Turns out his partner has been involved in some incisor trading
| 20 | 2.995732 | 2 | 2024-03-07T22:42:02 | 34 |
tfdcww | H4rryC0sti | A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome | He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded…
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists.
You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber.
“That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late.
So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in on of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the crappy haircut?” | 101 | 4.615121 | 13 | 2022-03-16T09:07:53 | 528 |
ruywt9 | silvagogo | A baby seal walks into a bar | The barman ask "what'll ya have?" The
seal replies "anything but the
Canadian Club!" | 9 | 2.197225 | 2 | 2022-01-03T10:42:54 | 30 |
swtnws | Profit-Defiant | Air Postal Service | A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous **International Airlines** (*that shall not be named*) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the **post office**," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!" | 9 | 2.197225 | 1 | 2022-02-20T05:21:46 | 140 |
rdnk53 | Daddyconeboobs | I like my coffee how I like my men. | Hot, black, and in the ass | 5 | 1.609438 | 12 | 2021-12-11T00:57:47 | 18 |
tvs70s | kooltyme | What do you call a potato with no feet? | 5$ to the first person who guesses! | 9 | 2.197225 | 43 | 2022-04-04T03:34:56 | 20 |
zpsjlg | RibaldPancake | Three dogs were talking about their lives. |
The Swiss dog said, “When I’m hungry I bark and my owners bring me meat.”
The Ethiopian dog said, “What is meat?”
The North Korean dog said, “What is bark?” | 7 | 1.94591 | 1 | 2022-12-19T14:08:00 | 49 |
rniyjb | BGisTheOne | What does Google and the best condom have in common? | They're both known to be Trojans. | 1 | 0 | 3 | 2021-12-24T09:41:59 | 21 |
17z5mw2 | brother_p | Larry was a contractor who worked sometimes crossed the border for work. | Every time he came back home, he encountered the same Customs agent. The agent was convinced Larry was smuggling but couldn't prove it. He would look in Larry's pickup truck but every time he had the same thing: a wheelbarrow, a couple of old shovels and a pile of sand. He'd poke through the sand, check the cab, look under the truck with mirrors, but never found anything. Nevertheless, he remained suspicious.
A few years later, after he retired, the Customs agent went into a local bar for a drink. There, sitting at the bar, was his old nemesis, Larry.
"Hey, Larry, remember me?" he asked. Larry looked over.
"Oh yeah, of course, you were the Customs agent who always pulled me over for smuggling."
"Well, we're both retired now, and that's all in the past. Tell me the truth, were you actually smuggling?"
"Yep, I sure was," Larry laughed. The Customs agent shook his head.
"I knew it. I knew I wasn't crazy! You gotta tell me. What were you smuggling for all those years?"
Larry grinned.
"Wheelbarrows," he said. | 1 | 0 | 13 | 2023-11-19T20:07:08 | 253 |
r7rum4 | TheBigGuns69 | I used to think that crystal girls where stupid. | All their talk about how crystals would "align their chakras and give them powers" made me think they were dumb.
How could a rock give them powers?
But then I tried crack. | 35 | 3.555348 | 7 | 2021-12-03T05:46:24 | 49 |
y1w5c6 | slampisko | In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water. | The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.
The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes back to his senses, he returns to fishing.
In a few minutes, another submarine emerges, this time it's Russian. The lid opens, a sailor comes out and looks around. He spots the fisherman and yells at him: "Heeey, you there! Did you see an American submarine pass through here a while ago?"
"Yeah," says the man.
"And which way did it go?"
"It set course to north-north-east!"
"Dude, quit showing off and point with your finger!" | 23 | 3.135494 | 7 | 2022-10-12T06:22:07 | 200 |
15h8ari | KairuSmairukon | What's the difference between Robin Williams and a falafel? | One's in Jumanji, the other's a Jew munchie. | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-08-03T16:05:04 | 28 |
x7hgbi | Mikejm79 | I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils. | But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take | 5 | 1.609438 | 1 | 2022-09-06T18:08:18 | 26 |
1hqactp | Big_Bri_Guzzi | My girlfriend likes to wear snake skin print g-strings in size 3.14159 | I think they're pi-thongs. | 11 | 2.397895 | 16 | 2024-12-31T08:19:19 | 29 |
13yrgwp | Xeenophile | [This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar... | ...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.
The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is over and says, *"Hey buddy, I don't know what's up with you, but this is a rough neighborhood and I don't want any trouble."*
The guy looks over to the bartender and replies, **"Oh, I don't think you understand! You see, I'm very high-tech. I had my cel phone installed directly into the palm of my hand."**
The bartender gives the guy a skeptical look as only a rough-neighborhood bartender can give one, but the guy says, **"Here, let me show you,"**; he pokes at his hand a couple more times and holds it to the bartender's cheek - to the bartender's surprise, he hears someone on the other end, and the two of them carry on a conversation for several minutes!
When he's finished, the bartender beams at the guy and says, *"Wow, that's amazing!"*
**"Isn't it great?"** Replies the guy. **"I can always get in touch with my wife, my broker, you name it, and I never have to worry about it being lost or stolen!"** Suddenly, he starts looking uncomfortable on his barstool. **"Uh, hey, could you tell me where the restroom is around here?"**
*"Sure, it's out back, it's a freestanding shack kinda thing,*" Says the bartender as he hands the guy a key. *"Remember to be careful out there!"*
The guy thanks him, gets up and heads out back. 5 minutes go by...10 minutes...15 minutes...20...eventually the bartender starts to worry on behalf of his bizarre new customer, neighborhood being what it is, so he grabs a spare key and his Louisville Slugger from under the bar, and heads out back to the restroom.
He knocks on the door a few times, and after not hearing any reply, he enters...to find the guy spread-eagled against the wall, with his pants pulled down to his ankles, and an entire roll of toilet-paper shoved up his butt.
*"Ohmygod!"* Cries the bartender. *"Did they rob you?! Are you hurt?!"*
The guy looks back at the bartender and says, **"Nono, it's okay! I'm just waiting for a fax!!!"** | 12 | 2.484907 | 7 | 2023-06-02T22:20:57 | 564 |
1dbtfen | OwlsPrankster | Did a Maths test the other day. | There was no sine of answering some of those questions. It's probably cos they were so difficult. I think I went on a tangent about the complete wrong topic...
(this was terrible wasn't it) | 2 | 0.693147 | 7 | 2024-06-09T13:12:36 | 49 |
y7o0sb | recovering_lunatic | I made this! | Did you hear about the weed dealer who ran a marathon?
Someone called to pick up but he was all out of puff | 3 | 1.098612 | 2 | 2022-10-19T00:42:01 | 29 |
181hdgv | LFA2023 | What's the difference between jam and jelly. | You can't jelly a baby into a suitcase | 17 | 2.833213 | 11 | 2023-11-22T19:25:02 | 18 |
1cwxhsj | jeffrey_the_cuber | Cubing joke | Why are americans so good at solving rubiks cubes? Because they have an history of separation colors | 4 | 1.386294 | 0 | 2024-05-21T02:38:22 | 25 |
1eo7pcb | Grasswaskindawet | Little boy talking to his mother... | "Mommy, is Rotterdam a bad word?"
"Of course not, honey."
"Good. Teacher got poison ivy. I hope it'll Rotterdam arm off." | 7 | 1.94591 | 3 | 2024-08-09T18:50:04 | 41 |
t4sk0z | rob_inn_hood | Who has 2 thumbs and wants a lot of awards for no effort? | That would be me.
Love you all, have a terrific day! | 36 | 3.583519 | 11 | 2022-03-02T05:17:48 | 29 |
10stcw6 | [deleted] | News at 10 | When they shoot down that Chinese spy balloon, it'll explode in pink dust and China will yell, "It's a girl!" | 8 | 2.079442 | 4 | 2023-02-03T19:49:14 | 31 |
1gp9htv | Last_Canary_6622 | The Lonestar Tick Should be Wiped Out of Existence | This is a tick that makes you allergice to red meat and red meat products (including dairy) when it bites you. Can't even eat anything cooked in beef broth. If you're lucky, the allergy might dissapear or lessen after 10 years.
I don't care what carcinogens we have to use; this species needs to be wiped out of existence
In essence, what I'm saying is:
***Farmer, farmer, bring back the DDT***
***I don't care about spots on my apples***
***Leave me the beef and the cheese***
***Pleaaassse!!*** | 1 | 0 | 2 | 2024-11-12T01:45:02 | 138 |
1h1qp42 | Spaceace91478 | A lady goes to the psychiatrist and says "You gotta help me doc. My husband thinks he's a refrigerator". | The doc says, "that's strange, but that doesn't seem dangerous".
She says, "But he sleeps with his mouth open. That little light keeps me up all night". | 436 | 6.077642 | 21 | 2024-11-28T07:31:17 | 63 |
1h8mio1 | No-Plan-2711 | An old man is sitting on his porch when he spots his grandson walking by with a roll of ducktape. | "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he asks." I got me some duck tape grampa". "Well whatcha gonna do with that?" "I'm gonna catch me some ducks." the boy replies. "Boy that ain't how you catch ducks, what's gotten into you? I swear, you youngsters nowadays." An hour later his grandson returns dragging several ducks behind him. "Well I'll be a monkeys uncle." The old man mutters. The next day here comes his grandson dragging a fishing line behind him. "Boy, whatcha doin now?" he asks. "I got me some fishing line grampa , I'm gonna catch me a bunch of fish." he replies. "Boy you done lost your mind, you can't catch no fish with just a fishin line." The boy walks on and an hour later comes back dragging a whole mess of fish. " Well I'll be go to hell, what in the world?" says grampa. Sure enough the next day here comes his grandson with a switch in his hand, smacking the ground from side to side. "Now what in the world you got there son?" he asks. " I got me a pussywillow switch" he says. "Now hold on a minute, let me get my hat!" | 1 | 0 | 13 | 2024-12-07T06:30:07 | 293 |
15xam1w | chineseballoon92 | I farted | Sorry for the hurriquake. | 1 | 0 | 0 | 2023-08-21T15:18:19 | 10 |
13yxlrm | mr_m_r | A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?" | The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package.
It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams. | 1,163 | 7.058758 | 62 | 2023-06-03T02:20:15 | 85 |
1gp591c | ron_swan530 | My wife told me something tonight…. | And it was that she pooted in the fridge so all our food would smell like farts. | 1 | 0 | 1 | 2024-11-11T22:31:17 | 29 |
t2vm2k | Mynam3wastAkn | Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad… | Sometimes people are surprised how I’m named after my dad, but, how would I have been named before him? | 27 | 3.295837 | 2 | 2022-02-27T19:22:09 | 35 |
vq0tl4 | theslother | I just converted to Frisbeeterianism | We believe that when we die our souls go up on the roof | 11 | 2.397895 | 1 | 2022-07-02T20:46:55 | 23 |
13gknor | decoy777 | An old woman dies and goes to heaven... | When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "What is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "Everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "Mam, having cake is the best way to gain Karma." | 0 | 0 | 7 | 2023-05-13T15:36:18 | 150 |
15ir9j7 | rainblade1980 | A man goes to visit his friend who is in a cast. | He asks him if there is anything he can get him while he is there.
He says yes. Can you go up to the 3rd floor and get me my slippers?
So he goes upstairs and he sees his friends 20, and 21 year old daughters pillow fighting in their bras and panties.
He goes into the room and they ask him what he is doing upstairs?
He tells them your father sent me up here to have sex with you 2.
They are skeptical, but ask him to prove it.
He says ok, I will. He walks over to the stairs and yells down to his friend "Both of them, right?" | 1 | 0 | 10 | 2023-08-05T09:36:36 | 148 |
1amnoyu | maxdristantasmith1 | Why did the gamer bring a ladder to the arcade? | Because he heard the game was on another level
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 2024-02-09T13:04:25 | 31 |
157fqzk | Sheldon_Cooper369 | How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? | He felt his presence. | 1 | 0 | 4 | 2023-07-23T14:07:08 | 18 |
18pgiwz | R0KK3R | I bought the most terrible thesaurus yesterday. | Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible. | 84 | 4.430817 | 5 | 2023-12-23T22:17:37 | 21 |
tgbrjd | KrynchYT | Dad joke #1 | **I used to be really scared of campfires when we went camping.**
**Dont worry, after a while, i warmed up to them.** | 12 | 2.484907 | 0 | 2022-03-17T14:41:06 | 37 |
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