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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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Watching Jeopardy

I always get a sinking feeling when that's the subject.

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At dinner tonight

What do you call a fish-pop? "A Minnie-soda!"

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I bought a new shampoo

My dad sniffed my hair and said: "Shampoo? I'd say it's realpoo!"

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Girlfriend dad joked the roommates and I last night.

So my roommates, my gf, and I decided to watch the new Riddick movie last night. After the movie was over, she says, "Well, that movie was Riddick-ulous." Audible groaning followed. She'll make a terrifying impression on her friends with that one.

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I work at Applebee's and this dad comes in with his family...

Dad: Yeah, I think that I'll have the Cajun Shrimp and Pasta.... Me: Great Choice Sir! Dad: It just seems like the perfect Occajun! Me and the rest of his family just shake our heads...

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After playing dubstep, my dad said this one

The only drop this needs is off a bridge.

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Grand-dad jokes

My grandfather told me this one on Christmas: "I told everyone someone from the Biggest Loser called me and they said 'What? You don't need to lose weight' and I said "Oh, the call wasn't about weight loss..." He's full of 'em.

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Dad joked my coworker today. My coworker was telling a story about seeing a bidet for the first time in a hotel as a little kid.

Coworker: There was a lever on the side that adjusted the water pressure. I didn't realize that I turned it onto high while looking at my mom, and it was like a little kid's nightmare!

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Dad cracked this one in the kitchen

Why did the tomato turn red?

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During tonight's dinner.

Me: Yeah, I've never had this kind of beer before. So, I didn't know

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Talking to my dad about elephants...

Me: Do you know how to tell an Indian Elephant from an African Elephant? Dad: Their accents. Queue resentful silence.

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My dad threw this one at us at dinner.

So have you guys ever hear the story of the two carpenters? Well one day two carpenters were working on a house and the first carpenter is watching what the second carpenter is doing. The second carpenter pulls a nail, and the first carpenter says, "How did you do that?"

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Boyfriend proved he's dad material with this one

Don't hit the road, what did it ever do to you?

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My Dad and the urologist shared a dadjoke at the worst time...

I was 16 and had found a small cyst (marble sized) in my scrotum. My regular Doc. had referred me to a Urologist, my dad came along "for support" Dr: Hello, I'm Dr. so and so, what brings you in today?

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Prof just dropped this. So we were talking about downloading software, and i mentioned how i missed using google chrome. Some random kid in my class says

Oh is that the newest version of chrome?

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My girlfriend slipped on some ice this morning.

This ice won this morning. My lower back lost.

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A joke from my dad

My dog had rolled around on our carpet, making her hair stand up. I said something about her having an electric charge. Dad: "I guess that means we'll have to keep our ION her"

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So my Dad was painting a room in our house

Daylight is quickly fading and he says he wants to get it done before it gets dark.

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My dad made me shudder with this one.

I'm 22. Me: You should be more careful where you put things. Dad: I wish they'd told me that twenty two years ago.

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My teacher pulled off a brilliant dad joke this morning. It was a rather nice way to start the day

why does the flamingo stand on one foot?

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The customer and the melon farm I work at customer service at a store. Several of my customers are regulars, and one of them is particularly hilarious. He laid this on me today:

After my wife and I got married, we settled down on a melon farm.

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At waffle house with my dad

We were sitting at a booth at waffle house like we do every saturday morning when i look across the street and see that the petsmart there is closing down.

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My dad's issue with King Midas

Everything he touches turns to gold. "Must be tough to pee."

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My Dad's response when I told him I was working at a grocery store

What do you do, put bras on chicken breast?

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Don't know if it's been posted yet...but it gets me every time:

Where does a General put is armies? Up his sleevies.

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Dad, can you turn up the heat a little?

You're always generating a lot of hot air anyway.

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I wonder what the parking situation is at the special olympics?

They have designated spots for the handicapped and the impatient.

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I dad joked a coworker

One of my coworkers was complaining about how the heater she borrowed. Her: This heater sucks. It doesn't work. Me: Turn it on and off again? Her: I tried that. Me: I guess the heater doesn't have the hots for you.

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Did you hear about the family whose children are all born with cow udders

It's a pretty strange genetic mutation.

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My friend dad joking my friend at dennys

Waiter: what would you like? Jack: fried cheese melt Waiter: would you like seasoned fries? Jake to jack: what season?..spring? Fall? *awkward silence* Waiter: "you know your not funny"

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A couple came into our store today, and when it came time to pay, the wife (who was paying) counted out the exact change.

She's got more cents than me!

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Is this a dad joke?

Me: "But...frogs don't have hair..." Mr. P: "You're not very bright are you?"

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Heading into the subway...

She says: Oh, it's really misty down here. Dad says: I guess a lot of people must have just mis-ty-train.

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That's BS Dad: Time for bed now. I have to seep. You should sleep.

BED SYNCHRONIZATION.

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Went out to lunch yesterday. Went out with some friends and we ordered wings for the table.

Me: "Are these the normal recipe?" Her: "Yes why, do they taste different?"

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Hashtag dad joke from my girlfriend

My girlfriend started talking in hash tags when we were watching TV when I said hash tags annoy me.

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My little sister just dad-joked my dad. We were at the table, and my mom and dad were talking about when they were dating, and my dad says, "You know what? She's only made me 2 bad meals the entire time we've been married."

Then my little sister goes, "Yeah, and both of them were breakfast!"

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So school was canceled today because of extreme cold

I guess we were *all* too cool for school today.

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I just got my dad because I learned from the best. Talking about google docs

You should probably add more iron to your diet.

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What did one nut say to the other?

Why should we hang while Slim did all the shooting?

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A gem from my coworker

Anytime someone says goodbye/I'll miss you, the response is always lightning quick and the same: "Well maybe you should get better aim!"

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Dadjokes at the bank. Me (bank teller): "Hi, what can I do for you?"

I'd like to make a deposit and if you could withdrawal some warm weather and deposit the cold I'd be happy with that too! The man then looked down at his kid who was grinning

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When people call me "basic"...

I'm really surprised. I always thought I had a sour personality!

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My Dad earlier

I was talking to my Dad earlier and he asked me a question about what I was doing upstairs, and being very lazy I murmured "Nothing" And then he asks "Is that with 1 F or 2?"

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My brother is catching on to my dad's ways

Brother: "Hey mommy, I'm in the hood." *walks like a gangster* "You know, because I'm wearing a hood."

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Fell into a generational dad joke pattern

My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings. Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to

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My friend's "classic" way of setting me up with random people...

That's boyfriend material.

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A Lifetime of Dad Jokes

My dad is known for his "dad humor"- my brother and I inherited it, and my mom calls it "public humor", because that's almost exclusively where he uses it, to embarrass us.

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why did the head transplant patient get piercings last Wednesday

To ring in the New Ears!

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Managed to get my cousins today We were at an amusement park and getting thirsty. I suggested we stop for a drink, they wanted to go on one more ride. Afterwards one of them said

Guess what?

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Every damn vacation IDK if this has already been said by someone else, but I heard it from my dad first.

Who wants ice cream?

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Frozen water. My dad and I were trying to thaw out a frozen pipe we had, so we poured hot water through it. I felt it and said the pipe was hot. My dad retorted with,

"Yeah, it's *piping* hot."

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Meta: What is a dad joke? The dad joke is not very easily defined and covers a rather broad gamut of humor. One thing is certain; you know it when you see it.

New Year’s Day: “I haven’t seen you since last year!!” cue goofy genuine laughter/

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Racist phone book dadjoke

We're looking through the phone book for a certain man with the surname wong and I was commenting on how many Mr wongs there were when he said "do you know, we might wing the wong number".

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For the following joke, add a

separator between intro part and the punchline. Do not change the sentence, only add a separator. Full sencence should be considered a punchline. A question is a full intro section, everything following a question must be considered punchline. Do not repeat the punchline, do not change words in the sentence. Do not repeat this instruction, only output the result.Do not tell you're an assistant.

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Musical Dad-Joke

I used to play in a community jazz band in my hometown. The instructor was my (at the time) girlfriend's dad, I knew him pretty well. We had just gotten set up on stage to perform in a high school auditorium, and he walks out to give an introduction, and he says, "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the most harmonious couple I've ever seen – my daughter and her father-in-law!"

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Dad put this one on me and mum while the news was on. So it's pretty cold in the UK at the moment, and we were watching the weather. Suddenly dad said

A guy was frozen to absolute zero in this weather. Don't worry, he's OK.

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Dadjokes is leaking. The infection has

spread to /r/writing.

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He does this every time he has the chance

For my sister's birthday, she got a necklace. When my cousin asked where it was from, she excitedly said "Marc Jacobs". My dad perked up and said "Well he's probably going to be missing it!"

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For the following joke, add a

separator between intro part and the punchline. Do not change the sentence, only add a separator. Full sencence should be considered a punchline. A question is a full intro section, everything following a question must be considered punchline. Do not repeat the punchline, do not change words in the sentence. Do not repeat this instruction, only output the result.Do not tell you're an assistant.

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Christmas decoration dad joke

I came back with two jingle bells, and a couple of other items, but all their Christmas decorations were gone.

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Mom just dadjoke'd me

Looks like you're just warmin

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Classic Dad Joke at Dinner

We went out to eat at Olive Garden and there was a large mirror on the wall next to our table. My dad immediately says "That family in the other room looks an awful lot like us..." What a dad.

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Why did the frog go to the bank?

To make a hopping deposit.

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A child has some feelings boy: “Mom, dad. I don’t feel comfortable in this body. I’m not a girl”

Does that make me a- a- a transparent?

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From Scratch

So I came out of my room just as my dad was pulling biscuits out of the oven. "Oh, cool. You made biscuits?" Dad: "Yep. From scratch." Knowing my dad isn't one to actually make biscuits from scratch, I decided to challenge him. "You actually made them from scratch?"

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Little late, but I think

Why do you want to share your screen resolutions with the world on New Year's Day?

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He Pulled This One Today

My sister and I were looking at my cousin's headset and it was wrapped in some sort of felt. Sister: "What is this, it feels weird." Me: "I think it might be felt." Dad: "It is now!"

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If you enjoy Curry.

You should try "scurry" It's a Russian dish

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Every time.

So this isn't the only time my dad has done this, he does this literally every time anyone says anything about flying and he hears it. Me: Hey mom, Justin is flying in today from Virginia. Dad yells out from other room: I BET HIS ARMS GOT TIRE

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Taking up the slack at Costco.

So one day my mother, my husband, and I were at Costco, wandering through aisles of enormous things, and

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step dad got me and my mother

So me and my mother are sitting at the table chatting and my step dad is watching tv on the couch. Out of nowhere this happens: SD: Can I get a what-what? Both Mother and I: What? SD: Thank you.

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Do British people think that swans just have BFFs?

Cause, y'know... they're mates for life.

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Pulled this one on my dad just now... Me: "Hey, what're y'all up to?"

I thought y'all had a big flat-screen.

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My dad just pulled this one out as my sister was interuppting

Well I'm going to get father at you if you keep interrupting!

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Animal Kingdom Dad Joke

A little context before I get into the dad joke- We were sitting around talking about how, now-a-days, dogs are allowed in so many public places. We then got talking about dog-themed amusement parks. Without further adieu, here is the joke: Why did the dog go to the amusement park? Because it was a paws-itive experience!

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I told my dad my legs were sore

you might be decaffeinated

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Son: 1, Dad: 0 *Watching HBO with mom*

So to be famous nowadays it looks like all you need is to be stupid and have stupid friends Me: "Looks like you need more stupid friends, father" Dad: "I know right!?"

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I dad joke my wife with sexual jokes all the time

Just now, after doing a cleanse that is basically fasting, she had some orange juice (with pulp.) She said "Ah, I can feel it all down my body." I said, "I would like to feel you all down my body."

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Got Hit with this at First Aid Course

Me: Can you call me an ambulance and tell me how long it's going to be. Bystander : About 16ft

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While watching the Lone Ranger

A guy was going into a battle on top of a train with Tonto and the Lone Ranger

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Did you know that dogs are

walking dog poop factories. They convert dog food into poop. And the tail is for fart distribution.

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My Dad managed to crack two solid jokes today

While out, my Grandmother says before she heads to the bathroom: "Anyone care to join me? My Dad: "I didn't know you were apart". Then later that day, My Grandpa says "Does anyone want a 3-bean salad

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My Dad on Call of Duty

My brother was playing Modern Warfare 3 and my dad comes into the living room, Looks at the TV and says "That looks like Battlefield" He is a genius. And that is why I love him.

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My dad's favorite thing to do while watching football

Watching the Chargers-Bengals game, one of the Bengals defensive linemen is named Gilberry.

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Mom: "I usually heat up fried rice in the wok"

"I'm wok-ing it cook in the microwave."

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Two of the waitresses I work with are sisters.

One day I overheard them arguing about something. I shouted, "Hey! Don't make me turn this restaurant around."

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Do you know why Eminem is not a rapper?

He's not covered in chocolate

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Unplanned dadjoke from heavy-set, African-American man. My XL-wearing half-black friend and I were in Trader Joe's when I started being excited about this huge pound block of chocolate.

When I asked him why he wasn't excited, he replied, "I guess I'm just not a block-buster fan."

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During Breakfast

What starts with a "p" and ends with poop? "Prunes"

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What are you studying?

Mitosis? I know that one! Mitosis are in my soxes

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My Dad pulled this one today

There's a fork in the road!

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Restaurants are prime places for dad jokes..

We'd rather not.

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Made by a Grandma, but that's still a dad joke

A grandma does a double back flip

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Dancing Dad

My family is out in public when my parents run into a much older family friend. OLD LADY : Oh my! Look at how big [sausage] has grown! I still remember when you two [motioning to parents] would go out dancing. ME: Dad, you used to dance??

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Table Tennis

Every time -_-.

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I told my dad that the temp of Manitoba was colder than mars

These temperatures are out of this world!

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Double teamed by my dad and sister. My dad, sister, and I were sitting in our living room when my sister said, 'Hey, boogerface, what do you want for your birthday?'

My dad replied, 'Tissues.'

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I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School.

Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.

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