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short_jokes

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What's the difference between Iceland and Ireland? A consonant.

What do toads drink ? Croaka-cola !

When I was younger, I was given a choice: a good memory or a long dong. I can't remember which I chose.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to "Hey Arnold"

Ironically its exactly 12 steps from my car to the liquor store

This mallard waddled into a bar... Should've ducked.

Chicks with big tits always seem to say the right things.

[Touring Italy] Guide: Bathroom anyone? Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza Guide: That's Pisa Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza

Bough some shoes from my drug dealer. They were pretty nice

A pirate's walking down the beach.... ...when he comes across a little girl. The litter girl says, "Hey Pirate! Where's your buccaneers??" The pirate responds, "tucked inside my buck'n hat!!"

What is the Pope's favorite type of woman? Nun

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom... Then I discovered twitter.

The Walking Dead Season Finale Check back in six months for the punchline.

Proper punctuation... Proper punctuation is the difference between "helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse" It's a classic, but a good one

can't now.. having an heated argument with my toaster.

"Why do white people like cheese so much?" Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.

Listen, I hate you... I'm just not... IN hate with you.

My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.

"That'll be $15.99 please" "Do you take giant revolving badgers?" *cashier grabs me by the throat* "We ONLY take giant revolving badgers"

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

What kind of headphones are sold in 50 shades of grey? Beats

Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery's party? It was leave your keys at the door.

How do you know when a mongol is level? He's drooling from both corners of his mouth.

Nothing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

Wanna heare a joke about potassium? K

I showed up later to dinner yesterday because I was baking a turkey. I'm the turkey. Il see myself to the kitchen table.

What do you get when you combine Avogadro's number of avocados? GuacaMole!

What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? Adele

Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat? Cause if they rolled forwards, they would still be in the boat.

Can I get a pina colada please. 'This is Starbucks' Sorry, can I have venti pina colada.

[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

They're remaking Ocean's 11 with an all-female cast and it's gonna be called Ocean's 8 It's that damn wage gap I tell ya!

why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn't be weird.

A job interview. What's your worst quality? Honesty. Well, i don't think that honesty is a bad quality.. I don't give a fuck what you think.

Girlfriend: "babe it's hot I need a fan" [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.

The economy is so bad I went to buy a toaster and they gave me a bank.

I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

This morning I went for a run and came back home after 2 mins because I forgot something... I forgot that I was fat and could only run for 2 mins.

Your mama so fat.. Her curve set everyone's grade to A+

I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats... Prophets are through the roof

Damn girl, are you a 48-pack of frozen corn dogs? Because I thought it would last forever.

Warning: Dead baby joke What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock. You can't fuck a rock.

Tea makes everything great,even meth. Cos without T,meth is just meh.

I can't believe I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach.... ...boy was my face red.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?

Dallas Black people: please be Muslim please be Muslim please be Muslim Muslim people: please be black please be black please be black

My Wife is refusing to fry any food and is insisting on eating healthier. She is turning into a Kitchen Nazi. She keeps sticking everything in the oven.

2 words can open up many doors in your life. Push and Pull

Why are most Muslims broke all the time? They never understood the concept of piggy banks.

Why should we call Indians Native Americans? Most of those ones over in Asia have never even been to the States.

Knock knock..Who's there?..Interrupting coefficient of friction.. The interrupting coeff--- MU!

I just got back from r/Synesthesia It tasted great!

Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? A: Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets!

I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks... No shit

My ex broke up with me but left a bag of chips in my car. 3 weeks passed and I texted "I still got your chips if you want them."

When googling Gary Oldman I highly suggest not forgetting the "R"

What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common? They both run in your jeans (genes)

Well I was going to donate blood today until.... the lady got all personal and started asking, "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.

[at funeral] "it was so sudden" really? "yeah right in the middle of rap battle" I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That's right

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's actually quite ironic how she died.. She was attacked by a crab.

I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

What did the pirates say who stole Kim Kardashians jewelry? We wanted her booty!

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name "shampoo" was taken

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (Slightly NSFW) A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

I think I'm gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It's all like waaaaaat no way.

Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

how to get into shape: 1. punch a bear 2. run. this is your life now

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"

What do you call someone who discriminates you for your oral hygiene? A dent*ist*.

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse? They really know how to make bedrock.

Harry is a? Fucking WIZARD!

On TV shows, answering machines are actually saying leave a message after the fuck.

What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.

"So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?" "Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it," said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.

Billy Mays is in heaven now... Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

Late to Fight Club Was late to my Fight Club last night so I missed the intro rules. I love Fight Club, I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

It's green but when you press a button it turns red. A frog in a blender.

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and me ? Santa Only Cums Once A Year

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.. then watched them fight over who heard it first.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

i'm the girl your mom warned you about... long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i'm reptar. i'm reptar from rugrats.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!

What did the mermaid do last Saturday night? She went out with the tide.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

The phrase 'lazy asshole' is an oxymoron... Because an asshole gets shit done.

What do vegetables watch when they're horny? Corn

I can't believe you "accidentally" let it slip into her butt! Dick move, asshole.

One of my favourite things is Pork Souvlaki on a Pita But it's hard to get the animal rights activists to stay still

New low: Looking in my purse and seeing my TV remote.

If she's naming your wedding album on facebook "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!" she's too young for you bro.

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.