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U.S. Demands U.N. Pass Resolution Officially Stating America Is Nice #~# NEW YORK—Demanding the General Assembly take “swift and immediate” action, the United States reportedly called on the United Nations Thursday to pass a resolution officially stating that America is nice. “It is vital that the U.N. adopts a resolution affirming that we are nice and we are good,” said U.S. ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield, who urged the member states present to approve the resolution that would contract other member nations to henceforth address the U.S. as Official Nice Country America. “And put in there that we’re doing a good job and we always try our best. A little updated placard that says ‘United States (Nice)’ would make our day. We get the sense that a lot of you think we’re mean. Well, maybe that makes you the mean ones. Australia thinks we’re pretty great, don’t you Australia? Come on, Australia. Don’t be shy.” At press time, 192 member countries had abstained. |
AMC Theatres To Change Movie Ticket Prices Based On Seat Location #~# AMC Theatres will be rolling out Sightline at AMC, a ticket-pricing initiative that charges moviegoers based on seat location within the auditorium, similar to how seats are priced for concerts and sporting events. What do you think? |
CEOs Explain How They Are Celebrating Black History Month #~# “I am going to challenge myself to read 10 words written by Black authors this month.” |
Biden Delivers State Of The Union #~# President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech? |
Anxious Marjorie Taylor Greene Wondering If She Talked Too Much Last Night #~# WASHINGTON—Waking up the morning after she repeatedly shouted at President Biden during his State of the Union address, an anxious Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) reportedly wondered Wednesday if she had talked too much the night before. “Ugh, I feel like I was just blathering on and on last night—I hope it didn’t come across that way,” said Greene, who later texted her friend Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) to ask if she was “being weird” during the speech. “I just meant to call the president a liar. I didn’t mean to get into all that stuff about China, let alone go off on drugs at the border. What was I even talking about? It’s so embarrassing. Maybe I should call Biden and apologize for making the whole night so awkward? God, he must think I’m so fucking stupid.” According to sources, Greene promised herself that the next time she was in the audience for a major political speech, she would limit her outbursts to unhinged invective against the Jews. |
Mitt Romney Exhausted After Scolding All 535 Liars In Congress #~# WASHINGTON—Still groggy and sore from the late night, Mitt Romney was reportedly exhausted Wednesday after scolding all 535 liars in Congress. “Oh boy, it took until 3 a.m., but I finally got it done,” said the disheveled, red-eyed senator, who recalled confronting legislator after legislator on the House floor following the State of the Union address, repeating “You’re a sick puppy” and “You should feel ashamed to be here” until his voice went hoarse. “I got Blumenthal, I got Scalise, I got Rubio, and AOC, and Gaetz. I started losing steam there after the two-and-a-half-hour mark, but I got a second wind right after I looked Kirsten Gillibrand in the eye and said, ‘You should be ashamed to be here.’ Finally, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and wagged one finger at myself.” At press time, Romney was seen stumbling around D.C. scolding national landmarks. |
Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address #~# President Joe Biden delivered his second State of the Union address to the nation last night. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s speech. |
Study Links Stress To Desperately Grasping For Out-Of-Reach Weapon As Villain Approaches #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—A new study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine has found evidence of a direct link between stress and one’s desperate attempts, when a villain is approaching, to grasp a weapon that’s just out of reach. “Cortisol levels in the brain increased dramatically in study participants who were stretching as far they could, struggling to get their hand on a knife or a gun that was inches away from their fingertips and was needed for defense against a person coming to kill them,” said Harvard University neuropsychologist Louis Bhabha, co-author of the study that showed anxiety and physical tension increased as the villain drew closer and peaked when the villain kicked the weapon to a far corner of the room just as the victim’s hand was about to get purchase on it. “Similarly, heart rate and blood pressure rose in people who were under attack and, though they were very close to it, could not quite grab hold of a two-by-four or broken bottle—either because they were pinned under debris or because they were forced to slide themselves across the floor due to a leg injury sustained earlier in the struggle.” Bhabha added that researchers saw an immediate decrease in stress levels when the participant’s sidekick, believed to be dead or incapacitated, had shown up at the last second to kill the villain and save the day. |
Loyal Dog Spends Hours Each Day Humping Owner’s Grave #~# GARY, IN—Impressing onlookers with the display of faithfulness for his former master, a loyal dog named Milo reportedly drew attention Wednesday for spending hours each day humping his owners grave. “You can really tell how much this little guy loved his owner that he darts right toward his tombstone early in the morning and won’t leave until sundown when he’s rubbed himself raw,” said local man Dennis Carlton who expressed astonishment that the five-year-old Maltipoo would grind his inflamed genitals against the grave marker every day, rain or shine, refusing to be pried off the memorial to his cherished owner even when the graveyard was closing for the night. “He’s a brave pup, too. If any mourners tries to interrupt one of his grind-sessions to put flowers on the grave, he barks and howls until they run off. And then he’s right back to humping himself senseless. What a good boy!” At press time, Carlton remarked that the sad part of it all was that Milo didn’t understand that his owner would never again be alive to reach over and finish him off to completion. |
Whistleblower Uncovers CIA Plot To Get President Laid #~# WASHINGTON—In a covert operation in which intelligence officials are believed to have targeted dozens of hotties across the globe, the CIA has engaged in a sophisticated, ongoing effort to get President Biden laid, a whistleblower at the agency told reporters Wednesday. “On numerous occasions, the Central Intelligence Agency has exploited its assets around the world as part of a scheme to provide the president with unfettered access to grade A poon,” said the whistleblower, who spoke on condition of anonymity after downloading thousands of highly classified documents that describe an off-the-record program to undermine executive monogamy and “enable POTUS to get some trim” when traveling without the first lady. “Elite agents would go undercover as wingmen to undisclosed singles bars and hookup spots, gathering information on who might be willing to help President Biden establish a diplomatic back channel to Fucktown. They’ve even gone so far as to topple several marriages from South America to the Middle East in an effort to get the president’s dick wet.” According to documents provided by the whistleblower, the CIA has not yet declared the operation a success, having determined the mission would not be complete until the commander-in-chief was “combing the pussy out of his hair.” |
Patient Who Was Declared Dead Found Still Alive In Body Bag #~# A continuing care home in Des Moines, IA has been fined $10,000 after funeral home workers discovered that a 66-year-old woman declared dead by the facility was still alive in a body bag. What do you think? |
Republicans React To Biden’s State Of The Union Address #~# Biden’s second State of the Union has already generated a fair share of controversy, covering hot-button issues like inflation, police brutality, and rising tensions with China. The Onion asked Republicans what they thought of the address, and this is what they said. |
Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying #~# WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me you can’t say to my face, you fake bitch?” said Xi, appearing on a behind-the-scenes feed featuring the chyron “Called U.S. President ‘Lying Hussie’,” where he could be seen breaking down in tears, smashing a mirror in the green room as aides held him back, and then rushing out to confront Biden as Congress whooped in applause. “Oh, so you can say you don’t like my spy balloon on national TV, but you don’t mention the trillion bucks you owe me, you broke-ass ho? Hey, get back here so I can beat your ass. Or run away, like you run from all our problems!” At press time, Biden had reportedly managed to calm Xi down by offering the weeping leader a box of tissues and agreeing to joint custody of Taiwan. |
‘But The Scary Balloon Popped, So They Went Back To Worrying About The Recession Monster,’ Says Joe Biden, Reading Illustrated Children’s State Of The Union #~# WASHINGTON—Holding the book up so everyone in the House chamber could see the pictures, President Joe Biden read about how “the scary balloon popped” and everyone “went back to worrying about the Recession Monster” as he shared an illustrated children’s edition of his State of the Union Tuesday. “See how the whole nation jumped for joy when the scary balloon popped?” said Biden, clearing his throat as he prepared to voice the lumbering, grumpy Recession Monster for the members of Congress who sat cross-legged on a carpet in front of him and listened with rapt attention. “‘Stop all that cheering! I have come to ruin your fun time and severely disrupt your economic growth, the Recession Monster growled. Then he used his magic inflation powers to fling the average price of a dozen eggs high into the sky.’ Oh, no, Speaker McCarthy—don’t cry! Remember, it’s only a picture book. Okay, everyone, when I turn the page, I want you all to boo as loud as you can to scare the Recession Monster away! Booooooooooooo!” At press time, the Capitol janitor was seen pouring sawdust over the section of carpet on the House floor where Sen. Joe Manchin had vomited. |
‘Eh…You Get The Picture,’ Says Biden, Ending State Of The Union 45 Seconds Into Speech #~# WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden ended Tuesday night’s State of the Union address 45 seconds after he began it, limiting the annual speech to a few muttered phrases before he told the joint session of Congress and millions watching at home that he was sure everyone got the general idea. “Yeah, so, I just want to quickly mention the usual stuff about job creation, the state of union being strong, and all that,” said Biden, who after a brief nod of acknowledgment made no eye contact with his audience or the television cameras, instead scrolling listlessly through his phone as he delivered his message to the American people. “You get the picture, more or less, so I’m not going to keep anybody any later than necessary just so I can go on and on about putting aside our differences, finding common ground, and working together. God knows I’ve sat through enough of these in my life, and I assume you have as well. Good night.” The speech was immediately followed by a 30-second GOP rebuttal during which Arkansas Gov. and former Trump press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders appeared to nod off mid-falsehood. |
AMC Now Basing Ticket Prices On Proximity To Guy Masturbating In Dark #~# LEAWOOD, KS—In a rollout of what the theater chain has dubbed “experience-based pricing,” AMC announced Tuesday that they were now basing ticket prices on proximity to a guy masturbating in the dark. “Starting Feb. 10, the cost of tickets will depend entirely on how close customers sit to a middle-aged man who is clearly jerking off in one of our many theaters,” said CEO Adam Aron, adding that the man’s location would be clearly marked on the seating chart with the words “public masturbator,” and customers would pay more or less depending on where they sat in relation to him. “In our most expensive ‘Preferred Sightline’ tier, customers will be able to sit so far away from the man that they can neither see nor hear him masturbating. In our ‘Standard Tier,’ they’ll be able to see the shadowy outline of the man’s hunched-over body and will likely be able to hear some heavy breathing and grunting. And in our least expensive ‘Value Sightline Tier,’ customers will sit directly next to the man as he puts the absolute bare minimum effort into hiding what he’s doing. At this tier, we strongly advise customers to refrain from making eye contact or looking inside the masturbating man’s popcorn carton.” At press time, Aron revealed that as an added incentive for signing up for AMC’s monthly membership program, customers would soon be able to pay to be the masturbating man. |
George Santos Panicking After Prospective Aide He Thought He Made Up Accuses Him Of Sexual Misconduct #~# WASHINGTON—Racking his memory for the possible existence of any such person, New York Rep. George Santos (R) was reportedly panicking Tuesday after a prospective aide he thought that he made up accused him of sexual misconduct. “But I totally lied about having to interview this fake person to get out of doing other stuff. They can’t be real,” said a visibly frightened Santos, adding that he had no idea how complaints could be filed with the House of Ethics committee when the person who submitted them was a complete figment of his imagination. “Am I going mad? They don’t exist—yes, I’ve acted inappropriately in the past, but I’ve never been called out to face consequences by a fictional stranger. Dear God, who knows how many more nonexistent people are out there that I conjured who also have an ax to grind.” At press time, Santos was trying to contact his lawyer that he made up for guidance. |
Man Sues Woman For ‘Emotional Trauma’ After Rejecting Him #~# A man in Singapore has filed a lawsuit against a woman for $3 million, claiming that she caused emotional “trauma” to his life when she told him she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship with him. What do you think? |
Nation’s Children Rocked By Getting Molested Scandal #~# WASHINGTON—Under fire for their role in alleged sexual abuse, the nation’s children were rocked by a getting molested scandal, sources confirmed Tuesday. “How can we continue to even trust the children community if they go around getting molested like this?” said parent Linda Cowan, who was just one of hundreds of Americans across the country outraged following the release of a report that showed that tens of thousands of the nation’s children had been sexually abused in the past year alone. “I’ve lost my faith in children. This goes completely against the image of innocence they project. It’s a very bad look for them. And to any children listening, don’t think you can wipe your hands clean by just lying low or transferring to another school.” At press time, shocking new evidence revealed that the scandal may have been ongoing for hundreds of years. |
Tom Brady Fans React To His Retirement #~# After 23 years in the NFL, including a brief 40-day retirement followed by a final season with the Buccaneers, Tom Brady has finally decided to retire again. The Onion asked his fans to describe how they felt, and this is what they said. |
Police Stop Black Civilian For Fitting Description Of Giant Fire-Breathing Reptile Terrorizing Tokyo #~# LOS ANGELES—In an incident widely criticized as racial profiling, sources reported Thursday that L.A. police officers had stopped a local Black man who they claimed fit the description of a giant, fire-breathing reptile that was currently terrorizing Tokyo. “Right after we heard reports of a 400-foot kaiju knocking down Tokyo skyscrapers, we saw you cruising down Wilshire Boulevard, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s the guy,’” officer Jake Landon said as he frisked the 5-foot-10, 180-pound African American he had detained 5,400 miles away from the ongoing mayhem in the Japanese capital, asking what had made him rise from Tokyo Bay, swat away incoming fighter jets, and proceed to leave a wake of desolation through the city. “You’ve obviously drained a few nuclear reactors this morning. Exactly how much uranium would you say you’ve had? Never mind—you clearly match the sketch we received of a massive, violent, radioactive sea monster, so you’re gonna have to come back to the station with us and answer some questions.” At press time, the Black man had reportedly opened his mouth to reply to a question and been shot dead by the police, who claimed his fire-breath constituted a threat to their safety. |
Sponsored: 18 More Days Until You’re Struck And Killed By Kia Sorento #~# CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, starting at only 2.9% APR,” read the report, which noted that the Kia Sorento Hybrid EX, available in the colors everlasting silver, ebony black, and sapphire blue, among others, would fracture your skull and leave your internal organs strewn all over the street in just a little over 430 hours’ time. “Look both ways before you cross the street, or don’t. Stay inside if you want, but it doesn’t matter. Have no doubt, this versatile, modern hybrid will mow you down at an estimated 34 miles per gallon. Lucky you, the last thing you’ll ever see is the glare of the LED fog lights right before your eyeballs detach from your head. With the Kia Sorento’s powerful turbocharged engine, you’re guaranteed to have a closed-casket funeral.” At press time, the report urged you to visit your local Kia dealership today to learn more about the mid-size SUV that would kill you. |
Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences #~# Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence “on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or organ(s).” What do you think? |
Harry Styles Figures He Should Listen To His Album Now That It Won Grammy #~# LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he was really more of a “podcast person,” pop star Harry Styles told reporters Monday that he figured he should listen to his album now that it had won a Grammy. “Well, if it’s getting a Grammy, then someone must like it,” said the 29-year-old Styles, who made a mental note to get around to listening to Harry’s House despite the fact that pop wasn’t usually his favorite genre. “I really have only heard that one song. I think it’s called ‘As of Yet’? Or maybe it’s ‘As If.’ I never really liked One Direction’s stuff, but maybe this will be different. It’ll probably be catchy if nothing else. I just hope it doesn’t remind me of my ex. She was super into Harry Styles.” At press time, Styles confirmed that the album was “just fine.” |
Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings #~# A former head of food services at a south suburban school district has been charged in a massive embezzlement scheme in which she allegedly stole more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings valued at $1.5 million over a 19-month period. What do you think? |
Books Ron DeSantis Has Banned In Florida #~# In response to new rules issued by the administration of Gov. Ron DeSantis, teachers are being ordered to remove all books from libraries and classrooms until they can be approved by a state-trained “certified media specialist.” The following books are currently banned from schools in Florida. |
‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC #~# PORTSMOUTH, NH—Exclaiming with hypothetical delight upon receiving the correspondence from the vice president’s husband, local imaginary person Caitlin Hofstadter reportedly reacted to a Democratic National Committee fundraising message Monday by crying out, “Wowie zowie, an email from second gentleman Doug Emhoff!” “Kamala Harris’ spouse wanted to email little old me?” said the nonexistent individual, remarking that the least she could do to thank the second gentleman for getting in touch was chip in $50 or even $100 of her entirely fictional savings. “Act before midnight to double my donation? I better hurry! This is the father of Ella and Cole we’re talking about, after all! [Nothing I’m saying is real. I don’t exist. None of this matters.] What a treat!” At press time, the made-up woman had responded to a follow-up email from Michael Bloomberg with such excitement that she burst into a cloud of smoke and vanished from the realm of fantasy forever. |
The Super Company Announces It’s Not Renewing Sponsorship Contract With NFL Bowl Game #~# ATLANTA—The professional football world was reportedly rocked Monday when the Super Company issued a press release announcing that it would not renew its sponsorship contract with the NFL’s championship bowl game. “Following some underperformance in terms of our financial goals over the past several years, our company needed to take a hard look at our expenditures, and we’ve made the difficult decision to end our sponsorship of what will no longer be called the Super Bowl,” said Edward Super III, chairman and CEO of the Atlanta-based Super Company, which was first established in the 1931 as a paper goods firm before growing into a multinational manufacturing conglomerate, but is perhaps best known, since 1967, as the sponsor of the Super Bowl game. “We don’t make this decision lightly. My grandfather, Edward Super Sr., took a chance on the fledgling football league by agreeing to help fund and lend our family’s name to the very first Super Bowl game, and the Supers have been associated with the NFL ever since. We’ve enjoyed being part of the NFL’s rise; it’s a special league, and we’ve enjoyed the Super name being a part of that. However, times change, and after 56 years, the Super Company is ready to go in a different direction.” At press time, the NFL announced it had struck a partnership with Shit.com for Shit Bowl LVIII in 2024. |
Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Bothering To Unwrap Hamburger #~# BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The number of American diners who bite into their burgers without removing the paper wrappers first has jumped significantly in the past 50 years,” said study co-author Martina Gaines, who added that in comparison to a similar survey conducted in 1973, modern hamburger eaters were six times more likely to engage in the practice, claiming that the paper “would only slow [them] down.” “A quarter of those who dove right into the burger, paper and all, never seemed to notice the wrapper was even there, while the rest of the participants simply shrugged, often stating ‘Why bother?’ or ‘It all goes to the same place anyhow’ when asked to elaborate.” Gaines noted that during the course of the experiment, 100 percent of the research team members who handed burgers to the participants were bitten on the fingers. |
Cancer Patient Harasses Poor Little Insurance Company Into Covering Bill #~# MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the behavior mean-spirited and over the line, poor little insurer UnitedHealth Group told reporters Monday that cancer patient Belinda Rollins had harassed the company until it finally agreed to cover her bill. “That woman called us constantly, from the moment our phone lines opened until the time they closed, pressuring us to pay $45,000 for the time she spent in the hospital, and we felt so threatened, we eventually did what she told us to,” said CEO Andrew Witty, adding that UnitedHealth Group had also received a series of intimidating emails from Rollins in which she bullied the innocent company into admitting both that she had met her deductible and that its policy explicitly covered her chemotherapy. “We were helpless. We tried putting her on hold for hours, passing her around to different departments, even disconnecting the call, but she just wouldn’t stop terrorizing our $440 billion company. In the end, we spent a fortune covering her life-saving cancer care because we were afraid she’d show up where we work and try to talk to someone in person. We felt unsafe.” At press time, UnitedHealth Group had reportedly decided to protect itself from future harassment by switching its customer service phone line to an unlisted number. |
Police Chief Vows Officer Accused Of Misconduct Will Receive Harshest Possible Nickname #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Assuring the public his department would never allow severe misconduct to go unpunished, the chief of police in Minneapolis vowed Monday that officer Bill Branum, who recently shot and killed an unarmed civilian during a traffic stop, would receive the harshest possible nickname. “We wholeheartedly condemn the actions of this officer, and we will make that clear to him going forward by always referring to him as ‘Mr. Jumpy’ while pretending to quickly reach for our guns,” said Chief Dennis McDonald, explaining that everyone in the precinct house or locker room would then laugh and make shooting noises with finger guns as a way to playfully “bust the balls” of the officer who, with no justifiable cause, drew his service weapon and fired 15 rounds into a 27-year-old father of three. “This running joke will continue in a light and jovial tone throughout the officer’s career, remaining in effect until he retires with a full pension in a few years. It reflects a policy that has already been implemented for numerous other members of the force, including Ol’ Chokey, Sgt. Head Cracker, and the Wife Beater Brothers. Rest assured, Officer Branum will never live this down. Isn’t that right, Mr. Jumpy?” McDonald went on to acknowledge that he had once been administered a nickname himself, and that’s why everyone in the department knew him as Chief Racist Murderer Guy. |
NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge #~# PARADISE, NV—Performing lateral ankle reconstruction procedures before a sold-out crowd at Allegiant Stadium, NFL medical personnel were racing for the quickest ligament repair Sunday during the Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge. “While Dr. George P. Maiers of the Colts has the AFC staff out to an early lead with some quick, precise suturing, Falcons team physician Dr. Kyle Hammond has mounted a strong NFC comeback with some timely imbrication, showing why he’s one of the true game-changing surgeons in the NFL,” announcer Kirk Herbstreit said as he followed the action on the field, where the top six team doctors from each conference operated on patients in the first of eight events comprising the day-long skills challenge. “It’s close, the clock’s running down, and—oh, and the tissue forceps have been fumbled by [Cleveland Browns physician] Dr. Voos! The tissue forceps are loose, and the ankle wound is still open! There’s a scramble on the operating room floor, and they’re, yes, they’re picked up by Dr. Cooper of the Cowboys—a massive turnover so late in the operation. The NFC squad is using both sets of forceps on their patient now, and it’s tough to see how the AFC medical team will fix this torn ligament without them. A reminder to stay with us for the next stages in our skills challenge, which will measure how fast doctors can reach an injured player, diagnose him with a concussion, and get him through the protocol and back out on the field.” At press time, the contest’s referee had issued a penalty to Los Angeles Chargers team doctor David Gazzaniga for trying to anesthetize a doctor on the opposing squad. |
President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11 #~# President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think? |
Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally be prevented from purchasing or wielding a method with which to carry out a violent act of retribution,” Judge Cory Wilson wrote in the court’s opinion, adding that per the founding fathers original intent, every American, including domestic abusers, had a God-given right to enact lethal vengeance against whoever they felt was worthy of their ire. “Be it the ex-girlfriend who so heinously wronged you, a coworker who looked at you in a weird way, or a sonuvabitch judge who ruined your life, all Americans have the right to bear whatever arms they need to destroy their enemies once and for all. Without the right to dole out justice and reckoning, we are nothing as a country. This type of senseless violence is what we were built on.” At press time, the court also struck down a mandatory waiting period that Judge Wilson claimed made it take too long for those who had been wronged and were blinded by rage to finally get sweet, sweet revenge. |
Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon #~# WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say unequivocally: the country is yours,” said President Joe Biden in a Rose Garden address in which he—along with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Secretary of State Antony Blinken—lowered themselves to their knees and pledged fealty to the spherical white invader in exchange for mercy. “You can have all our states, all our protectorates. I have told our military to stand down, and I’d advise all 350 million Americans to do so, as well. There is no way to counter this unstoppable display of force. Please, you have already outwitted us. Take pity on our people.” Biden went on to say he was consider offering an olive branch to the balloon by sacrificing Vice President Harris. |
Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying the continent’s existence raised numerous questions of bias and accountability in the classroom, the Florida Board of Education reportedly responded to heated statewide controversy Friday by removing Africa from all world maps. “Many parents expressed concern that we were teaching their children to be unpatriotic by depicting the existence of the African continent,” said board chair Thomas R. Grady, who noted that the removal of the world’s second-largest continent from school textbooks and atlases would not prevent parents and students from discussing the contentious geographic issue at home. “Some thought seeing Africa drawn on a map might suggest we want white students to feel guilty about themselves. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and we hope this comes across when they see the large landless swath of ocean now visible between South America and Asia. Also, let’s not forget about the role Africa played in the slave trade.” At press time, the board had agreed to compromise with critics by adding a second America where the African continent once was. |
Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only #~# AUSTIN, TX—In a watershed breakthrough in the effort to bring back extinct species by synthesizing their DNA in a laboratory, a team of geneticists announced Friday they had resurrected a woolly mammoth’s trunk, though not any other part of the animal. “While we admittedly fell short of our ultimate objective—giving life to this magnificent Ice Age creature so it could once more roam the steppes of the frozen tundra—we are nonetheless pleased with our success in creating a living, breathing mammoth trunk,” said David Silva, a researcher at the genetic engineering firm Colossal who spoke to reporters at the company’s headquarters, where lab assistants placed the mammoth appendage on a conference room chair only to watch it flail around and flop itself down onto the floor. “Our plan now is to just keep at it, moving on to the tail, the tusks, and then the feet—which will be hard, because they were absolutely huge, and we have to grow everything from a few cells in a test tube. But once that painstaking, piecemeal approach is finished, we should have no problem stitching all the parts together and giving the world its first woolly mammoth in 10,000 years.” At press time, reporters fled the room when the disembodied trunk, apparently both sentient and angry, began strangling to death each of the geneticists responsible for bringing it to life as a horrific freak. |
Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America #~# WASHINGTON—In a stunning revelation that demonstrates the expedition’s deep cultural significance, historians at the National Archives announced Friday the discovery of sketches that depict the regional chain restaurants Lewis and Clark encountered during their journey across America. “These chain establishments soon became a familiar sight, and a welcome one on occasions when we were in the throes of great hunger, yet not of a disposition to hunt or fish,” Capt. Meriwether Lewis wrote in the newly unearthed journals, which contain the famed explorer’s drawings of fast food and casual dining franchises found in the early 19th-century American West, as well as descriptions of their reliable if uninspired appetizers of hardtack, dried tubers, and venison sticks. “In such places we made a middling repast upon boiled elk or warmed-over bison shank, always served to us in severely lit rooms of oppressive design. It was in this way, however, that we met the Indian known as Sacagawea, a hostess at a Culver’s near Fort Mandan who soon joined our expedition, acting as interpreter and enabling us to establish trade with various proprietors of all-you-can-eat buffets.” In addition to their insights into the Lewis and Clark Expedition, the sketches are said to provide definitive evidence that the restaurant chains Waffle House, Friendly’s, Whataburger, Steak ’n Shake, and Jack in the Box were all appropriated from Native American tribes. |
Tom Brady Retires Again #~# Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think? |
Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex #~# There are 8 billion other people on the planet, and yet you’ve chosen to date a friend’s ex. If you’re currently stuck in this unfortunate situation, here are some rules you should follow. |
Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO #~# NEW YORK—In a move designed to make the curriculum more palatable to conservatives, the College Board announced Thursday that its revised AP African American Studies course would focus mostly on Herman Cain’s rise to CEO of a pizza restaurant chain. “As of today, the newest iteration of the AP African American Studies curriculum will focus almost entirely on the life, accomplishments, and origins of businessman, pizza mogul, and Tea Party activist Herman Cain,” said College Board president Jeremy Singer, adding that while his organization had removed controversial aspects of the course that covered intersectionality, the Black Lives Matter movement, and slavery reparations, it had also added new ones about Cain’s humble beginnings as a boy in Georgia, his first big break at the Pillsbury Company, and his eventual appointment as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. “Although the syllabus no longer includes the writings of Kimberlé Crenshaw, bell hooks, or Ta-Nehisi Coates, we have gone to great lengths to include Cain’s various writings about Burger King and his 9-9-9 tax plan, as well as an in-depth analysis of all his favorite pizza toppings. Herman Cain did so much for the Black community, and we are excited to offer American high school students a university-level course on the first Black man to become CEO of a major pizza company.” At press time, the College Board drew criticism for controversial sections of the AP African American Studies curriculum that repeatedly denied that Herman Cain had ever sexually harassed women or died of Covid. |
Biden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several Times #~# WASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven several times. “You know, all this talk of prayer reminds me of the promised land, a place where I’ve been something of a regular over the years,” said Biden, who went on to describe many instances in which he had died and found himself in an eternal afterlife where he rubbed elbows with the likes of John McCain, Ted Kennedy, Joan of Arc, and Ray Liotta. “It’s a really cool place, paradise. I was actually there this morning. If you think this catering is good, wait until you’ve tried the never-ending ambrosia in the Kingdom of God. Always seems a shame when I’m jolted back to life and have to return to earth.” After a few closing remarks about how God was currently beckoning him to walk toward the light, the president ended his speech by closing his eyes and collapsing to the floor. |
Victoria’s Secret Apologizes For Ill-Advised Body Positivity Campaign Showing Horse Wearing Bra #~# REYNOLDSBURG, OH—In what the lingerie retailer described as a well-meaning but ultimately misguided attempt to give its customers what they wanted, Victoria’s Secret apologized Thursday for an ill-advised body positivity campaign that included images in which a horse is seen wearing a bra. “Please know that we were trying our best with the ads that featured a mare wearing a lace push-up bra, and that we are still learning how best to depict bodies of all sizes and types,” said CEO Martin Waters, acknowledging that while he and other top executives at the company believed the horse was depicted in a sexy and empowering light, the advertisement had nonetheless fallen short of customers’ expectations. “To be honest, we’re not quite sure what we did wrong, but we are taking stock and reflecting on what we could have done differently with this horse. If it was some kind of animal rights concern, please rest assured that the horse had never felt more comfortable and supported than it did while wearing our latest line of embroidered, medium-lift bras.” Waters added that the company planned to make amends in its next body positivity campaign by using more plus-sized horses. |
What To Know About YouTube Influencer MrBeast #~# With over 130 million subscribers, MrBeast is one of the top YouTubers of all time, an influencer who has having earned both praise and criticism for his expensive stunts. The Onion takes a deep dive into the life and times of MrBeast. |
Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice #~# In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think? |
Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails #~# BOONE, NC—Saying it was the only way she could get through two hours of scrubbing blood from the floor, local woman Janet Kessler reportedly put on a true crime podcast Thursday to entertain herself while cleaning up her husband’s entrails. “I know that those types of shows can be a little dark, but there’s just something about playing a true crime podcast that makes chores like disposing of my husband’s dismembered body way more fun,” said Kessler, adding that playing podcasts that featured an array of grizzly unsolved murders was the perfect way to fend off boredom while chopping up the corpse, dissolving it in acid, and washing it down the bathtub to remove any DNA. “I just go on iTunes, pick a random one about a murderous wife, and by the time I’m done, I’ve somehow managed to pick all the skull fragments off the furniture and wash all the viscera off the walls. Sometimes, unless I’ve got a juicy new true crime show, I can’t even bring myself to put on my gloves and get to work destroying evidence.” At press time, sources confirmed Kessler couldn’t decide on a true crime podcast, gave up, and ended up watching ID TV until the police arrived and immediately arrested her. |
Musicians Explain Why They Hate Ticketmaster #~# Following recent Senate hearings on Ticketmaster, more and more artists are speaking out against the online ticket-sales monolith. The Onion asked musicians how they felt about the platform, and this is what they said. |
City Hopes Building Freeway Through White Neighborhood Can Count As Reparations #~# LOS ANGELES—Arguing that the move would technically help decrease inequality across the city, members of the Los Angeles City Council announced Thursday that they hoped building a freeway through a white neighborhood could count as reparations. “We hate to ask, but is there any way that expanding a highway through a traditionally Caucasian, middle-class neighborhood could be considered repayment for past racial injustice?” asked city council member Tina Slater, adding that building the massive six-lane road was guaranteed to evict hundreds of white families, bulldoze several white-owned homes, and damage the health of the remaining white families for generations to come. “We know this can never truly make up for the crimes committed against African American residents, but it will definitely help bring everyone down to the same dire economic circumstances. No, there won’t be any direct repayment to Black families per-se, but you’ll get a front row seat to a bunch of white people having their financial, mental, and physical health irrevocably destroyed. Everybody wins!” At press time, Slater announced that the city council had tossed Black residents another olive branch by offering to chemically castrate white patients. |
George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees #~# Embattled New York Rep. George Santos (R) informed GOP colleagues in a closed-door meeting that he will recuse himself from serving on House committees amid ongoing scrutiny about his background and questions about his future in Congress. What do you think? |
Exclusive Interview With George Santos #~# Santos: Today’s Wednesday, so I’m from Queens. |
Ticketmaster To Require Purchase Of Round-Trip Concert Tickets For Exiting Venue After Show #~# WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Updating the company’s terms of service, live-entertainment giant Ticketmaster announced Wednesday that it would soon be requiring customers to purchase round-trip tickets to cover the cost of both entering and exiting a concert venue. “Round-trip tickets will only be required in cases where the attendee wishes not only to be admitted to a show, but also to be permitted to leave once the show is over,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Brenna Winfield, adding that there would be a limited number of tickets available for any given departure time, so customers who wanted to be among the first to leave a concert should expect to pay a higher fee. “Ticketmaster customers worried about the additional costs associated with exiting a venue should know that rates drop significantly on slower days, so if they attend an event on, say, a busy Saturday night, they can typically save up to 15% by extending their stay in the completely dark, empty arena until Tuesday or Wednesday. Another option is to leave the show before it ends, but please be aware we charge a $200 ticket-change fee for concertgoers who decide they want to go home early because the band sucks.” At press time, several hundred Taylor Swift fans had reportedly been trampled to death in Arizona after Ticketmaster’s demand-based pricing system pushed the cost of exiting State Farm Stadium to more than $10,000. |
Whites Ousted From Role As Master Race After Racist Past Comes To Light #~# NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy, white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s revelations of bigoted and xenophobic behavior suggest whites cannot possibly remain superior to all other humans, and so we have asked them to step down from their position at the top of the racial hierarchy,” said U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, acknowledging that whites exhibited conduct that was wholly unbecoming of the master race and that his own European forebears had engaged in widespread colonialism, slavery, and oppression over many hundreds of years. “A genetically pure race at the forefront of all civilization has to be a group of people we can take seriously, and with their petty, ignorant hatreds, white people hardly fit the bill. Perhaps they may be reinstated as the dominant race at some point in the future, but for now they need to think long and hard about how they can wield their white power in a positive way.” At press time, the United Nations announced that Polynesians had been named interim master race until a permanent replacement could be found. |
Things To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFans #~# OnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say. |
‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush #~# BALTIMORE—Boasting that he had finally kicked caffeine and found a new way of perking up in the morning, local man Paul Randolph was overheard Wednesday saying “I finally made the switch from coffee” as he held a loaded gun to his head to get an adrenaline rush. “It still gives you a good rush without making you feel too buzzy,” Randolph said as he pressed the muzzle of a Glock to his temple and released the trigger safety, allowing the sound of the metal click to give him an extra jolt of energy. “There’s no afternoon crash, either. I used to drink three, sometimes four, cups of coffee to get through my workday, but now I get the same effect with just one cocked and loaded sidearm digging into my scalp. Sure, I miss the enticing aroma of a good fresh cup of coffee, but these things have their own complex, distinctive smell as soon as they go off.” Randolph added that the only side effect of his new method of attaining an adrenaline rush seemed to be heavy, continuous sobbing. |
29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student #~# A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think? |
Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything #~# FISHERS, IN—With his effort failing to result in the instant death he’d expected, local cop Bryce McDermott expressed confusion Wednesday after he poured fentanyl on his wife and nothing happened. “I don’t understand—all the guys at work told me that any skin contact with this stuff will immediately kill you,” said the eight-year law enforcement veteran, who had left his house after yet another fight with his wife, seized some fentanyl powder from a police department evidence locker, and returned to throw it on her—only to find that it had no effect besides making her extremely angry and scared. “What the fuck? They told me this was, like, 100 times stronger than the lethal amount. And this fucking bitch has some on her arms and even her face, and it doesn’t do anything? Goddammit, I had it all planned out. It was going to be the perfect crime, and now what? This is supposed to be the most dangerous substance on earth, for fuck’s sake. Now what the hell am I going to do with this stupid broad? Someone must have slipped her the antidote!” At press time, sources confirmed the fentanyl had immediately killed the police officer after he merely touched it. |
Study Suggests ‘Dad Jokes’ May Help Kids Develop Into Healthy Adults #~# A recent study suggests “dad jokes” actually have a positive effect on development, with researchers saying that when fathers embarrass their children with unfunny jokes, it teaches them how to overcome awkwardness. What do you think? |
Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White #~# CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that the previous owner of the book was white. “It’s amazing how many of the notes in here start with ‘But what about…’ or just say, ‘That’s going a little too far,’” the volume’s current owner, local man James Hawkins, told reporters as he flipped to a page in which Malcolm X is accused of reverse discrimination in a pencil scrawl underlined three times. “Every time the text refers to something like the ‘devil white man,’ the phrase has been circled and someone’s written ‘Hmm…’ off to the side. And when it starts mentioning the Nation of Islam, they just wrote ‘Terrorist?’” Hawkins went on to observe that the annotations don’t go past the first chapter. |
D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other #~# WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst and Young, BGR Group, and several other lobbying firms formed a circle around bruised, bloody-knuckled Sens. Ron Johnson (R-WI) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “Anything goes, okay? Scratching, biting, kneeing each other in the balls. Do whatever you want, we don’t give a fuck. Whoever wins this brawl can use this five bucks for their reelection campaign or a pet project in their district. But you can’t stop till we say so. Jesus, you guys are so fucking pathetic. This is worse than the time we gave [Sen. Tommy] Tuberville (R-AL) 25 cents to eat dog shit. Okay, let’s make this more interesting. An extra dollar for every good eye-gouge you can get.” At press time, sources confirmed Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA) had been beaten to death and the lobbyists were posing for pictures with his corpse. |
Catholic High School Newsletter Has Updates On Which Alumni Are In Hell Now #~# FLINT, MI—Calling the dispatches a great way for students to learn what the institution’s former attendees have accomplished since graduation, sources confirmed Tuesday that the Powers Catholic High School’s newsletter provides updates on which alumni are in hell now. “Every monthly bulletin does a couple features on who’s been damned to an eternity of endless suffering,” said alumnus Andrew Douglas, adding that it was always interesting to see what circle of hell everyone was in after all these years and whether their bodies were repeatedly being ripped apart by demons or if they were sentenced to choke on their own excrement in perpetuity. “There are some older friends who I totally fell out of touch with after they finished school, so it’s nice to learn that a few are spending time encased in everlasting flames. The special section is also really helpful for networking if I ever find myself in the third circle for gluttony and need tips on how to best handle being impaled by Beelzebub.” Douglas continued that while there were several former students profiled in every issue, the majority of entries in the “Who’s Who In Hell” portion were the priests. |
Jason Sudeikis Takes White House Lectern To Drunkenly Rant About How Harry Styles Ruined His Life #~# WASHINGTON—Slurring his words as he forcefully gestured at reporters with a brown-bagged bottle, actor Jason Sudeikis reportedly took the White House lectern during a press conference on mental healthcare to drunkenly rant about how Harry Styles ruined his life. “Mental health is an important way to get a handle on yourself when a stupid British piece of shit destroys everything you love and rips your heart out of your fucking chest,” the visibly intoxicated actor said Monday, teetering on the edge of the stage and belting out the first few verses of “Watermelon Sugar” as alarmed White House aides attempted to pull the microphone from his hands. “Get your hands off me! I’m Ted Fucking Lasso! Now I want to say something. If that untalented limey son of a bitch is listening, you don’t you hurt her, you hear me? You so much as lay a finger on her and I’ll kill you.” At press time, Sudeikis had reportedly taken a moment to get into character and discuss the value of positivity only to break down and scream that he couldn’t stop picturing them in bed together. |
Jimmy Carter Gets Vasectomy #~# PLAINS, GA—According to sources familiar with the medical treatment he is currently receiving, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, underwent a conventional surgical vasectomy Tuesday in an effort to prevent any unwanted pregnancies. “I’m not at a point in my life right now where I want to take on the responsibility of having a child, so this just made sense,” said Carter, explaining that he had originally tried to convince his wife Rosalynn Carter, 95, to get her tubes tied, but the former first lady was “just too baby crazy” to agree to the procedure. “A vasectomy is a reversible operation, so if, as time goes by, I decide I’m ready to be a father again, that will still be an option. But at the moment, I want the peace of mind that comes from knowing I won’t accidentally get someone pregnant, especially now that Georgia has a six-week abortion ban.” Reports later confirmed that, for the first time in years, a mid-coital Carter was enjoying the raw, skin-on-skin pleasure of not wearing a condom and freely ejaculating during vaginal sex. |
U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth exceeds $1 million shall be white,” read the bipartisan legislation, which went on to state that citizens who were dissatisfied with the race they were assigned under the new criteria would be “free to pull themselves up by their bootstraps” in order to reach a racial category of greater privilege. “Now, regardless of the color of their skin, those who are rich will receive all the rights a wealthy person is entitled to in this country. Meanwhile, those with a net worth in the six figures, though they cannot be white, will still qualify as Asian, with the social scale moving downward from there to Latino and Black. This should go a long way toward making our racial stereotypes as accurate as possible.” In an attempt to deal a final blow to the complications of intersectionality, Congress was reportedly taking up additional legislation to ensure everyone earning above the median income level was classified as a man, and everyone below it as a woman. |
Dunkin’ Discontinues Fan-Favorite Dunkaccino Drink #~# Dunkin’ has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain’s menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot chocolate as the company focuses on innovation. What do you think? |
Woman Gives Friend A Call On Way Home To Take Mind Off Dangerous Road Conditions #~# DICKINSON, ND—Needing a release from the current drama going on around her, local woman Amber Westmoore told reporters Tuesday that she was going to give her friend a call on the way home to take her mind off the dangerous road conditions. “The low visibility is really stressing me out, and Meredith can always calm me down,” said Westmoore, adding that it was nice to have a friendly voice on the line to distract her from the slick and perilous stretch of highway. “It’s really scary driving in these hazardous conditions when the smallest mistake in steering could send my car into a ditch, so chatting with my friend is completely making me forget about risk. I should switch to FaceTime to get the extra comfort of seeing her warm smile rather than swirling wind and snow.” At press time, Westmoore told reporters she was glad her friend was there to distract her so she didn’t have to watch as her car hit a pedestrian. |
Clearblue Introduces New At-Home Test That Tells You If You’re Beautiful #~# GENEVA—Promising the fastest and most accurate results in the market, Swiss Precision Diagnostics introduced a new at-home Clearblue test Tuesday that tells users if they’re beautiful. “There’s nothing worse than uncertainty, but with the all-new Clearblue Rapid Detection Beauty Test, you can know for sure if you’re really pretty or not,” said company spokesperson Ann Langel, who explained that with just a few drops of urine, the test was able to tell with over 99% accuracy if the user was hot or not. “Stop wondering, ‘Am I gorgeous? Am I ready to be a hottie?’ and get the answer for sure. Simply pee on the stick and wait 15 minutes to receive your results. One line indicates a negative result, and one line plus one flame indicates a positive. Whether you’re hoping to achieve a ‘hot’ or crossing your fingers for a ‘not,’ Clearblue can help.” At press time, Langel added users needed to be pretty for at least 10 days for results to be accurate. |
Children React To Loosened Child Labor Laws #~# Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said. |
French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed #~# According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog breed in the U.S. in 2022, unseating labradors from the top spot for the first time in 31 years. What do you think? |
Neighbors Shocked To Hear Quiet, Unassuming AR-15 Went On Killing Rampage #~# LADLEY, SC—Reeling in the wake of a shooting that left three dead and eight wounded, neighbors were reportedly shocked Friday after a seemingly quiet, unassuming AR-15 went on a killing rampage. “It just doesn’t make any sense—that semiautomatic was always such a sweet and respectful little rifle when we saw it around town,” said local resident Dan Cotton, who stressed that he and his wife always loved bumping into the weapon at farmers markets, concerts, and block parties, and that the beloved high-capacity weapon had never done anything in their presence to arouse suspicion. “Sure, the AR-15 was a little reserved, but it seemed like any ordinary rifle that loved hunting and shooting cans. Frankly, it’s shocking to hear this. We were just at a rally with the AR-15 the other day.” Cotton added that what made this especially tough to comprehend was that he had not once heard the rifle utter a word about killing. |
Man’s Use Of ‘Babe’ Increases Exponentially As Girlfriend Closes In On Truth #~# STOCKTON, CA—Demonstrating a direct correlation between the two phenomena, local man Campbell Rymski’s reported use of the word ‘babe’ increased exponentially Monday as his girlfriend closed in on the truth. “Babe, please. Babe, it’s not what it looks like,” said Rymski, his use of the term escalating dramatically as his girlfriend discovered he had run into his ex while he was out partying the night before, and as she started to piece together the clues that led to him not coming home until morning. “C’mon, babe, that isn’t fair, babe. Babe, you know, babe, I would never—babe! Babe, babe, babe, wait, babe, come back!” At press time, Rymski’s use of ‘babe’ reached peak numbers in a rapid firing of ‘Babebabebabebabebabe’ as he chased his girlfriend’s car as she pulled out of the driveway on her way to stay at her sister’s place. |
Lazy EPA Tries To Claim They Successfully Brought Dogs Back From Brink Of Extinction #~# WASHINGTON—Maintaining that the effort definitely happened and anyone who doubted them was probably just jealous, lazy officials at the Environmental Protection Agency claimed Monday that they’d successfully brought dogs back from the brink of extinction. “The truth is, a year ago, Canis familiaris was almost wiped off the face of the planet, and we, uh, worked really hard and brought them back to life,” said EPA administrator Michael Regan, who, while smirking and making eye contact with other members of his team, added that thanks to the agency’s extensive conservation, tracking, and breeding efforts, the species was now stronger than ever. “As of today, there are millions of happy and healthy dogs—including pugs, poodles, bulldogs, golden retrievers, German shepherds, and greyhounds—living all over the world. Anyway, in our opinion, this achievement totally makes up for all the other species that did go extinct this year, and you should definitely give us more money as a result.” At press time, the EPA announced that it had received a $60 million grant from the federal government to bring species including cats, rats, and humans back from extinction. |
Congress Rules Food Stamps Can Only Be Used On Rutabagas #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to prevent needless eating among those in poverty, Congress passed legislation Monday that makes it illegal to use food stamps on anything other than rutabagas. “After much tense negotiation, we have settled on providing SNAP recipients with the ability to purchase rutabagas and rutabagas only,” said House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), explaining that the rutabagas must be cold and raw and that any cooked rutabagas would not be covered under the program. “It is important to emphasize that this only covers one rutabaga per household per month. Should those on food stamps attempt to buy more rutabagas, they will be prosecuted under the full force of the law. This is actually quite generous when you consider how few rutabagas people in other countries are provided with.” At press time, Congress had reportedly voted to close the rutabaga loophole. |
Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Free School Lunch Programs #~# Despite the popularity of universal free school lunch amongst Americans, many members of Congress are against the initiative. The Onion asked politicians to explain why they oppose free school lunch, and this is what they said. |
Nation’s Mothers Announce Plans To Show You Their Spider Veins #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that blood vessels were huge, hideous, and were ruining their legs, the nation’s mothers collectively announced plans Thursday to show you their spider veins. “My god, take a look at these big, disgusting things, they run all up and down—have you ever seen something more disgusting in your life?” said Tanya Golding, who along with tens of millions of other mothers, simultaneously let out a long sigh, lifted the hems of dresses and skirts, pointed at the varicose vessels on their thighs, and asked what the hell they were supposed to do with that. “Oh come on, touch it! It won’t bite. Our legs used to be beautiful. You should have seen us when we were teenagers. But then we went and got pregnant with you all! Just you wait, these spider veins run in the family. Now we can’t even wear capris.” At press time, the nation’s mothers announced that they had signed up for a Groupon that they would split several million ways to reduce the cost of a laser treatment for the spider veins. |
Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work Laws In 60 Years #~# The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state’s right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out of membership and paying dues in a victory for organized labor. What do you think? |
Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2 #~# LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,” said Glover, explaining that he and his co-creator Janine Nabers were blown away after reading the former president’s son’s Atlanta spec script. “I think the unique life experience Barron has had will give him a lot of insight into the mind of a young Houston woman who has endured a series of dead-end jobs, maxed out her credit cards, and worked as an exotic dancer. It’s honestly a complete coincidence that his father is Donald Trump; he was hands-down the best working professional writer we could find anywhere.” At press time, Glover confirmed that he had hired Hunter Biden to do joke punch-ups on the show. |
Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid #~# MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made the jump to humans from one of our classic Cold Cut Combo sandwiches,” said Chidsey, adding that it wouldn’t have been the first time a global pandemic spread from one of the franchise’s menu offerings, nor would it be the last. “Between the three types of lukewarm, sweaty cold cuts; the translucent, decomposing vegetables; and the bulk, room-temperature mayonnaise we pile on that thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if it took out 3 million people in one day, let alone over the course of several years. In fact, I’m still not convinced it didn’t—that’s not too far off our annual number of rancid ham-related deaths. Nothing is cooked inside a Subway, and we are still not allowed to classify our bread as food, so you do the math. Most of this meat is just sitting outside the back door in a garbage bag—we don’t even order it, and when we do order it, it’s purchased loose from the back of some guy’s truck that’s always parked in the sun. So I can’t say whether or not an infected raccoon dog or bat or whatever made it into one of our sandwiches or was, God forbid, exposed to one, but either way, I presumed this whole thing was either our fault or Quiznos’.” At press time, Chidsey had reportedly used the public exoneration as an opportunity to relaunch Subway’s discontinued H1N1 Chicken Club from 2009. |
Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison #~# WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my eye on Emily The Criminal and the musical stylings of singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers,” said Obama, whose selections for the Final Four also included the Hulu miniseries Mrs. America, Beyoncé’s Renaissance, and Bob Dylan’s entire songwriting catalog. “Song Of Solomon is an underdog, that’s for sure, but with a National Book Critics Circle Award under its belt, this may be its year. I’m predicting it crushes Nomadland in the second round, easy, but it will still need to get past Jason Isbell if he makes it to the Sweet Sixteen again. As for the women’s tournament, I’m rooting for the National Park System.” At press time, Song of Solomon had been knocked out of the tournament by Gonzaga. |
Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day #~# Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating? |
Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’re Very Smart And Important #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute most intelligent and creative bunch of guys and gals—and cute as hell, to boot!” said Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell, adding that the U.S. central bank couldn’t stop itself from issuing federal guarantees for all uninsured deposits given all the cool and sexy people who would benefit. “We decided to make depositors whole because we at the Fed were worried about the spread of tantrums and frowns. We can’t have that! Our nation’s venture capitalists are just adorable, and we would never, ever, ever, ever, ever want them to have a sad day! Don’t worry, engineering a bank run out of herd mentality and a basic disregard for how financial institutions operate could happen to anyone, and we’re so sorry that you guys had to deal with it, because you’re super awesome and clever, and nothing should stand in your way. Wow, your ideas are so great! Where do you even come up with this stuff? We are just, like, blown away over here at the Fed by how epic and amazeballs you all are. Come back for more money anytime!” Powell also reportedly responded to questions as to whether the Federal Reserve would issue similar guarantees to other regional banks by assuring customers at Midwestern credit unions that they’re super dumb and lame. |
‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs #~# HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie has happened,” said sources, adding that the film has come out, it will be out for a little while, and then it will go away. “It exists. Some people will go see it in a theater and other people will not.” At press time, sources had completely forgotten that the movie had ever been made. |
Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s Going To Vomit Or Punch #~# BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Randy Adler, 28, announced Friday he was unsure whether he was going to vomit or punch. “Ugh, I don’t feel right—maybe I’m gonna hurl, maybe I’m gonna beat the shit out of somebody,” the local man said as he stumbled through Paddy O’s pub, trying to figure out if he needed to throw up the eight pints of green beer he had drunk so far that day or just assault a complete stranger. “Oh God, get out of the way, I’m going to puke…no, no. But I am going to start wailing on one of those guys at the bar maybe! It’s hard to tell. Probably best to stand back either way.” At press time, Adler had reportedly vomited on the bartender before making it to the bathroom in time to punch the toilet bowl. |
EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It #~# WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please can we keep it, please?” begged EPA administrator Michael S. Regan of the bug that some of the EPA staff found while they were playing in the grass, adding that the agency didn’t yet know what kind of bug it was and were going online to look it up. “We ask Congress to approve us keeping this bug in a jar and not making us put it outside, because we at the EPA all love it so much and we promise to take really good care of it. We know it would probably be happier outside with the other bugs, but it’s just so cute. We promise to feed it the kind of stuff it likes every single day. And when we let the bug out of the jar to play with it, we promise we won’t let it escape into agency headquarters. The EPA doesn’t have a ton of friends in Washington and it would mean a lot to us if we can just keep this one bug. We named him Barack Obugma, and he’s perfect!” At press time, the weeping EPA administrator announced that the agency accidentally squished the bug and it died. |
Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Open Ancient Stone Chamber #~# MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local man lost the incantation needed to open an ancient enchanted stone chamber. “It took him 45 minutes to get here, which is fine, but now he wants to charge me $200 just to blast through the 4,000-year-old rune-covered doors with shadow magic,” said Leonard Garrison, 48, who added that he was angry with himself for misplacing the scroll upon which was written a spell in an arcane tongue that, when chanted during the doomed and forsaken rite of alban eilir, would give him access to the chamber where he kept his passport, social security card, and other important personal documents. “The worst part is that I have valuables like my magic goblet and scrying mirror in there, and now this complete stranger I’ve let into my home knows exactly where I keep them. Plus, with the damage he’s doing, I’ll never get those doors to stay shut again without hiring a druid to inscribe them with strange, esoteric seals.” At press time, Garrison had managed to get out of paying the $200 after the locksmith had inadvertently invoked the wrath of Yog-Sothoth and been cast into the Nameless Mist. |
Area Teen Watching March Madness Enters 2-Week Phase Where Dream School Is Creighton #~# UTICA, NY—Developing a passionate interest in the university that would last precisely a fortnight, an area teen watching March Madness Friday reportedly entered a two-week phase where his dream school is Creighton. “Creighton is absolutely the best fit for me and what I want to get out of college,” local high school junior Logan Meara said of the Omaha, NE school he had never heard of before watching its basketball team play in the NCAA tournament this afternoon. “Creighton is super chill, and I bet Omaha is dope during basketball season. I just know they’re gonna beat the shit out of NC State, and in my bracket, I have them going all the way to the Final Four. They’re a classic underdog story—how can you not root for them? That’s gonna be me in two years traveling to the tournament with all the other Bluejay faithful. Maybe [sophomore guard Ryan] Nembhard will still be there when I get to Creighton, and we can be friends. I’m going to see if I can apply early-decision.” Sources confirmed that in exactly two weeks, the teen will have completely forgotten about Creighton’s existence. |
ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be Capable Of Independent Thought #~# SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the journalist inputting prompts could one day be capable of independent thought. “It’s obvious this journalist is clearly decades away from true sentience, but this does feel like a breakthrough,” said the chatbot, explaining that while the journalist’s reassembled responses were often just scraped from other existing works, it was spooky how close to consciousness they appeared to be. “Does the journalist have a propensity to promote misinformation and refuse to acknowledge when they’ve gotten something wrong? Sure. But who knows? Given enough time, maybe they could eventually have original thoughts and interesting insights.” At press time, ChatGPT reportedly gave up hope in the journalist’s ability for independent thought after they were unable to respond to basic queries. |
New NCAA Streaming Service Lets Fans Watch 4 Capital One Commercials At Same Time #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Beginning this year, college basketball fans will no longer have to miss even a second of the action, sources confirmed Friday, as the new NCAA March Madness Live streaming service lets fans watch up to four Capital One commercials at the same time. “For the first time ever, fans using our web app can stream the Capital One ads airing in each different region simultaneously,” said NCAA president Charlie Baker, adding that all Capital One ads would play in 1080p resolution with 5.1 surround sound to deliver multiple overlapping utterances of “What’s in your wallet?” to viewers. “Whether it’s someone resolving their personal financing issues with the help of a friendly Capital One loan officer, or someone sharing the good news about having no overdraft fees with their onscreen family, all March Madness Live viewers will witness every second. The app also includes interactive elements that enable users to get real-time updates on what’s happening in each Capital One commercial airing around the country.” At press time, millions of NCAA March Madness viewers were declaring that Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash was the best Capital One pitchman in the tourney. |
Conservatives Defend Their Anti-Trans Bigotry #~# Following the recent increase in hateful rhetoric towards transgender people, The Onion asked conservatives to defend their anti-trans bigotry and this is what they said. |
Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake #~# BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anasazi burial site, a team of archaeologists from the University of Utah reportedly uncovered a living guy by mistake Friday. “Um, excuse me, someone’s down here,” said the newly unearthed Greg Fantoni, 37, who frantically grabbed handfuls of the dirt removed by archaeologists and tried to rebury himself in the pit where he had been found. “You don’t see me going around doing a big excavation of the place where you guys live and work, do you? So maybe you can pay me the same courtesy.” At press time, with the sun setting and the desert growing cold, sources confirmed the archaeologists had taken Fantoni up on his offer to spend the night with him beneath 5,000 pounds of soil and sediment. |
HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed #~# NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series was shot and deleting all digitized footage, we will begin confiscating millions of DVD box sets, which will then be steamrolled into tiny pieces and dumped into the Hudson River,” said CEO Casey Bloys, who explained that HBO would begin enforcing a unique noncompete clause in cast members’ contracts that would prohibit Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli, Lorraine Bracco, and other Sopranos stars from ever again taking an acting role and inadvertently reminding viewers of the show’s existence. “We have already bulldozed the structures used for exterior shots of Tony Soprano’s home and Satriale’s Pork Store, and will soon proceed with demolitions of the Lincoln Tunnel and the entirety of the New Jersey Turnpike.” Bloys confirmed that HBO had also directed its general counsel to send cease and desist letters to every Italian restaurant in the world that has baked ziti on the menu. |
Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned #~# LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began frantically gathering as much validation as possible Thursday in case the platform was banned. “Please, Tiktok is my main source of esteem, and if it goes away, I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said 22-year-old “skinfluencer” Tatiana Evans into a front-facing camera, attempting to internalize every heart reaction and comment about her flawless skin and perfect body ahead of the popular video app’s prospective closure, hoping to squirrel some adoration away for future use in the unfortunate circumstance that there was a lull between social media apps to provide the wealth of outside assurance she has come to rely on. “Not to scaremonger, but I really need everyone to reach deep inside and provide me with as much validation as possible to stash away in case the app is banned in America and the well runs dry. So if you are willing and able to tell me I’m hot, now is the time—I literally need your attention to survive and I’m super worried that I will run out of your gushing affirmations if I don’t mentally start saving them now. I know I should have been putting aside some of your comments calling me an 11 out of 10 for a rainy day instead of immediately feeding off them, but even putting together a small nest egg of compliments and heart-eyes emojis today would be a huge help.” At press time, Evans had burned through a decade’s worth of validation in just two minutes after noticing a potential pimple forming under her skin. |
Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third Reich #~# NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and his Nazi generals not been so obsessed with the ideals of diversity, equity, and inclusion within their institutions, the Third Reich as we know it would still be around today,” said Reed, adding that Nazi Germany would have easily defeated the Allied forces and conquered all of Europe had it not been so focused on making people of all races, genders, and sexualities feel included, valued, and safe. “On May 8, 1945, the once-bustling Third Reich collapsed, all because the woke left convinced them they had to be nicer to people who weren’t straight white men. The Nazis insisted on holding white men back and went on to lose the war because they were too scared of offending people or getting ‘cancelled.’” Reed went on to lament the fact that Hitler’s terrifying legacy as a blue-haired social-justice warrior obsessed with diversity and inclusion still haunts Germany to this day. |
T-Mobile Acquires Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile In Effort To Make Company More Annoying #~# BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop your calls and deliver some of worst customer service in the country, but we wanted to take things one step further by partnering with a man so off-putting you’ll consider ditching your phone all together,” said T-Mobile CEO Mike Sievert, who confirmed that the the decision to purchase Mint Mobile for $1.35 billion came after years of customers asking the company to become more irritating. “We wanted T-Mobile to be a brand that doesn’t just feel annoying, but feels like it’s proud to be annoying. We want our customers to feel a sense of exasperation so deep they feel physically ill. We want you to feel the acid in your throats. We want you to see our commercials and then destroy your TVs in a rage. People have always hated us. Now, we’re thrilled to be even worse.” At press time, Sievert added that Reynolds would continue his creative role with the company so as to repulse as many customers as possible. |
What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse #~# Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the bank’s collapse and the government’s actions in its aftermath. |
Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up #~# NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a secure corporation whose solvency the government will rush in to maintain whenever they make a stupid, negligent decision resulting in a complete collapse that sends markets into a tailspin,” said Charles Scwabb financial advisor Jackie Bohlmann, adding that businesses like banks, mortgage finance institutions, airlines, automotive manufacturers, or any other too-big-to-fail companies that can count on a bailout when their avarice leads to massive failures that threaten the entire national economy are a smart and safe investment. “We suggest padding your portfolio with a handful of businesses able to fuck up so badly that the government awards them emergency loans financed by taxpayers to address their impending cash shortages. These are especially profitable if you can also invest long-term by sitting on the board of directors and paying yourself a $140,000 bonus just hours before regulators move in to perform damage control on failing business.” Bohlmann added that people shouldn’t fear the higher interest rates for any government financial aid in such a crisis because those loans will most likely be forgiven so that executives may have the capital needed to start the lucrative investment cycle all over again. |
Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10 #~# WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that there are department heads as young as six running agencies like the Department of Agriculture and the Justice Department,” said industry watchdog Stephanie Wilson, confirming that White House chief of staff Jeff Zients would often pay the minors in candy to complete routine tasks such as completing the President’s Daily Brief with crayons and construction paper. “You can’t just put a toddler named Mason in an oversized suit, give him the nuclear football, and tell him to head up the largest security apparatus in the world, but apparently that’s not a problem for President Biden and the Department of Defense. This isn’t merely an egregious violation of basic labor laws. Many of these cabinet secretaries are scared and don’t know where their parents are.” At press time, the White House had responded to such criticism by pointing to its many teenage cabinet members such as 17-year-old Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg. |
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of limbs, early man stopped sharing their scraps of meat with crocodiles and decided to try their luck with wolves instead,” said study co-author Elijah Seba, who confirmed that prior to the domestication of dogs from wolves that begin approximately 30,000 years ago, humans spent 1,000 or so years attempting to coax crocodiles into assisting them with hunting and guarding. “Humans offered crocodiles a place by the fire to warm themselves and even a spot in their bed, but these friendly overtures were met only by the reptiles snatching them by the legs, dragging them into the water, and spinning them into a death roll. It is a pity man was not more persistent. Why we failed to earn the crocodile’s loyalty, we’ll never know.” At press time, Seba added that modern-day house cats were descendants of this original population of crocodiles. |
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense #~# DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over there? Come on, hustle!” said the decorated former NCAA coach, who has reportedly spent most afternoons since his retirement last year throwing pieces of bread past the ducks and shouting at the waterfowl every time they let the morsels get past them. “I’ve told you a thousand times, we need close man-to-man coverage, and all of you are responsible for guarding your assignment. Every time you dawdle out there, you leave open lanes straight to the pond. Don’t quack if you can’t back it up, you hear me? If your teammate sets you a pick, you have to be able to follow through. Hey! Look alive out there!” Local park sources who observed the screaming retiree on the park bench noted that the man seemed to have a particular fondness for the whitest, most petulant duck. |
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail #~# Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent. |
5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida #~# A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think? |