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Man Shell Of Imagined Self #~# NEW YORK—Saying that when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw the man he once deceived himself to be, local man Ron Stockton, 37, told reporters Monday that over the years he had become just a shell of his imagined self. “Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of my [wholly invented] purpose, and the [completely untenable] dreams I had just slipped away,” said Stockton, who added that he worried he was failing to maintain the deep sense of personal integrity he had never actually managed to develop in the first place. “I don’t know what became of that [nonexistent hallucination of a] person I once was, that person who [I thoroughly deluded myself into believing] had so much promise. I honestly don’t understand what happened.” At press time, Stockton reported that he was feeling much better after taking some time to think things over, getting a good night’s sleep, waking up early the next day, and joining a cult. |
Hundreds Of Blackbirds Suddenly Fall From Sky #~# Hundreds of blackbirds were seen on video falling from the sky in Mexico, hitting the pavement with some dying on impact, in an unexplained phenomenon that some experts suggest was caused by a predator or possibly pollution. What do you think? |
Doctor Assures Family Of Dying Patient He Billing Everything He Can #~# LEBANON, PA—Telling the man’s wife and adult children that the medical facility always strove to ensure no options were left on the table, a doctor reportedly conferred with the family of a dying patient Monday to let them know the hospital was billing everything it could. “Let me assure you that he is receiving the highest level of fees that we have available,” the doctor said to the weeping family of the cancer patient, before going over several options for further payments that he strongly recommended. “It’s risky, but there’s an experimental new charge with a very high rate of interest that we’d like to try. We want you to know that we’re leaving no stone unturned, and if one approach doesn’t work, we’ll bill something else. It could leave him with nothing, but in a grave situation like this, we’ve simply got to try.” At press time, sources confirmed the doctor had called the patient’s family into a side room to inform them that he was sorry, but there was nothing more they could bill. |
Research Suggests Life On Earth Began Full 20 Minutes Earlier Than Previously Thought #~# CHICAGO—Emphasizing that there was still so much we still don’t know about the ancient microorganisms, researchers at the University Of Chicago announced Monday that life on Earth may have begun a full 20 minutes earlier than previously thought. “After studying the carbon dating of fossils found in deep sea ocean vents, it’s extremely clear that they evolved 20 minutes prior to what we used to believe, which is basically, like, half an hour,” said scientists, adding that the ancient cyanobacteria likely evolved 4.28 billion years ago at 7:07 p.m. instead of the previously theorized 7:27 p.m. “At first, we were stunned to discover that these organisms may have evolved as early as a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday four billion years ago. And then, we discovered that they evolved as early as Spring instead of Summer 4 billion years ago. But this extra 20 minutes changes everything. That’s the difference between the appetizer and the dinner course four billion years ago.” At press time, scientists were reeling when they discovered evidence that the heat death of the universe would occur 30 seconds earlier than expected. |
Most Frequently Googled Cryptocurrency Questions #~# Cryptocurrency might not be real, but that doesn’t stop countless Americans from researching it, buying it, and pissing away their wealth with it every single day. For Onion readers in need of a primer, here are the most frequently Googled cryptocurrency questions and their answers. |
Melania Accused Of Placing Winning Bid On Own NFT #~# A recent report found that the winning bid in the auction for former first lady Melania Trump’s NFT came from a virtual wallet that belongs to the same organization that launched the project, suggesting the $185,000 bid came from Trump herself. What do you think? |
No-Bullshit Children’s Museum Just Thousands Of Buttons That Light Up When Pressed #~# BOSTON—Hailing the update as a streamlined alternative for overwhelmed families, the newly revamped Boston Children’s Museum announced Friday that it was losing the bullshit by providing visitors with nothing but thousands of buttons that light up when pressed. “Kids and parents alike can cut to the chase and experience the tactile sensation of getting their hands on these interactive buttons,” said museum head Val Bronson, telling reporters that the nonsense-free displays would allow youngsters the chance to put their fingers on buttons of various sizes and shapes without the wasted space of demonstrations or informational plaques. “Some of the buttons make dinging noises when you press them, and a few even vibrate, and we’re seeing that pay off with a huge uptick in admissions.” Bronson added that the board had considered a visiting exhibit of brightly colored knobs and levers before deciding they were overly complex. |
Lies Elected Officials Tell Their Constituents All The Time #~# And they say it with a straight face, too. Disgusting. |
Outdated Sex Ed Curriculum Still Teaches How Boyfriend’s Balls Could Explode If You Don’t Give Him Hand Job #~# GOWRIE, IA—After facing backlash from parents concerned an outdated curriculum was leaving teenagers unprepared for the real world, Castlemount High School administrators confirmed Friday that their sex ed program still taught students that their boyfriend’s balls would explode if they didn’t give him a hand job. “While we appreciate the concerns of parents, we still think it’s valuable for students to know how they can safely prevent their boyfriend’s testicles from bursting as a result of pent-up sexual pressure,” said school principal Elise Stendell, who–though she acknowledged that since the 1960s and ’70s scientific understanding of the importance of jerking off one’s boyfriend had made it clear that a teenage boy’s testicles exploded only in rare circumstances—stressed that it was still up to partners to prevent such a genital-based disaster. “Obviously, some of these vintage PSAs of testicles rupturing and gushing out onto a terrified partner’s face in a torrent of blood might seem a little dated. Ultimately, though, we want every person who passes through these halls to understand that when their wincing boyfriend says, ‘Babe, the pressure is really building up in my nutsack, and I don’t know what might happen if you don’t help me out,’ there could be very real consequences if a tug job isn’t provided immediately.” At press time, the school board had agreed to add a disclaimer stating that as long as one is careful not to disturb the testicles for a few hours after arousal, one can be relatively sure they won’t explode. |
U.S. Approves New Headlights That Won’t Blind Oncoming Drivers #~# U.S. vehicles will now be allowed to use advanced headlights known as “adaptive driving beams” that automatically adjust using additional sensors, providing more illumination without a glare to oncoming motorists in order to prevent nighttime crashes. What do you think? |
School Board Conflicts Rage Across The Country #~# Public school boards have lately become a hotbed of controversy, with parents, school officials, and board members squabbling over curriculums, Covid prevention efforts, and more. The Onion looks at the most heated school board conflicts raging across the country. |
Peter Thiel Funding Dating App For Conservatives #~# Billionaire Peter Thiel has invested $1.5 million into launching a dating app called The Right Stuff, which caters to conservatives who have complained about finding themselves excluded from dating circles in large cities where liberals tend to live. What do you think? |
How To Eat Healthy In Just 3 Bites #~# Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites. |
Painted Rocksnail Knows It Really Fucked If Animal As Cute As Koala Now Endangered #~# WOLF CREEK, AL—Reacting with dismay to news that the beloved marsupial faced an extinction threat, a member of the painted rocksnail species of mollusks told reporters Thursday it was really fucked if an animal as cute as a koala had become endangered. “I’ve just got to face reality here and own up to the fact that if humans are willing to let something as cuddly and adorable as a koala go extinct, then I’ve got absolutely no chance in hell of surviving the next few decades,” said the freshwater snail, noting that unlike koalas, who simply relax all day and eat eucalyptus, the painted rocksnail was best known for consuming decayed foliage and leaving trails of foul-smelling mucus. “What’s the first thing you want to do when you see a koala? Pet one, right? Maybe feed it? What about me? Like, vomit and then smash me with a stick? Honestly, I’m not trying to be too down on myself. I’ve made peace with my physical appearance. But koalas are getting wiped out left and right by wildfires and habitat loss—cute, sweet little koalas. All I need to do is take one look at my reflection to know it’s all over. Goddammit.” At press time, the mollusk acknowledged that matters were made worse by the fact that koalas are a national symbol of Australia, while painted rocksnails were best known for being from podunk St. Clair County, Alabama. |
Study Finds Best Marker Of Desirability Still Wet Finger Making Sizzle Sound When Touched To Leg #~# BALTIMORE—Confirming the indicator remains a constant across the diverse range of human sexuality, a new study released Thursday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best marker of desirability was still a wet finger making a sizzle sound when touched to a person’s leg. “This new data reinforces prior findings that directly correlate sex appeal with licking one’s finger and then slowly applying that dampened finger to one’s haunches with a ‘tsssss,’” said lead researcher Dr. Ariana Johnston, noting that rankings of desirability increased almost tenfold in cases where a small puff of steam emanated from the point of contact, in addition to the hissing sound. “We were quite surprised to find that physical appearance played almost no part in whom our subjects desired. If a conventionally attractive person stood perfectly still, they were consistently ranked less desirable than a conventionally unattractive person who acted as if their steamy thigh had been so hot to the touch that they had burned their hand on it. Several subjects even had to be physically restrained from approaching a person who yelled, ‘Ayeeeee,’ and pretended to cool down their singed finger by slowly sticking the digit into their mouth.” Johnson added that the data still needed to be tested against yelling “Yoo-hoo” while waving a silk handkerchief. |
Boar’s Head Unveils New Funfetti Birthday Ham #~# SARASOTA, FL—In a statement that confirmed customers turning a year older could now blow out their candles on a slab of cured meat, delicatessen supplier Boar’s Head announced Thursday that supermarkets nationwide would soon begin offering its all-new Funfetti Birthday Ham. “Make this birthday one to remember with a smoked, cake-batter-infused Virginia ham that has been decorated with festive rainbow sprinkles,” read a company press release, which detailed a process wherein premium leg-cut pork was bestrewn with multicolored candy pieces, dry-aged for six months, and then glazed with a rich vanilla frosting. “Why choose between a decadent, buttery birthday cake and a savory, succulent ham when you can have both? Pairs well with all Boar’s Head mustards.” As a serving suggestion, a company spokesperson recommended asking the worker behind the deli counter to slice the Funfetti Ham extra thin in order to make delicious birthday sandwiches. |
San Francisco Police Department Accused Of Using Rape Kit DNA To Arrest Victim For Unrelated Crime #~# San Francisco police used DNA collected as part of a rape exam to link a woman to a property crime, a practice which critics claim violates her constitutional rights and will deter victims of sexual assault from coming forward. What do you think? |
Signs You May Be Addicted To Sex #~# Addiction is totally normal when it comes to drugs and alcohol, but if you find yourself having sex on a regular basis, you might have a problem. Here are some of the biggest signs you may be addicted to sex. |
Thousands Of Priest’s Baptisms Rendered Invalid For Using Wrong Word #~# A priest resigned earlier this month after his diocese discovered the baptisms he held over two decades were invalid because he had changed a single word while performing the sacrament. What do you think? |
Man Hides Engagement Ring In Piece Of Cheese So Girlfriend Will Take It Without A Fuss #~# WATERLOO, IA—Carefully preparing the morsel so it would appear appetizing and not arouse suspicion, local man Brendan McHenry reportedly hid an engagement ring inside a piece of cheese Wednesday so his girlfriend, Abby Shuster, would take it without making too much of a fuss. “Does Abby want a piece of cheese? Does she?” McHenry called out to Shuster, who jumped off the couch at the invitation and eagerly accepted the savory treat, appearing not to notice that a diamond ring representing a lifetime commitment was concealed inside. “Look at her, she’s so excited! She may not understand it’s what’s best for her, but hopefully this will at least make it go down smoother. I’ve already tried this a few times with peanut butter, but just when she stops smacking her tongue and I think we’re engaged, she spits the ring out onto the floor.” McHenry added that he hoped Shuster accepted the proposal this time so he wouldn’t be forced to shove the idea of getting married down her throat. |
Patient A Little Disappointed He’s Not Getting Treated By Dentist Whose Name Is On Sign #~# LYNCHBURG, VA—Admitting that the experience failed to meet his expectations, local patient Rhys Barbin was reportedly a little disappointed Wednesday that he wasn’t getting treated by the dentist whose name was on the sign. “I’m sure this woman—I think her name is like Dr. Watts or something—is perfectly fine, but it’s just not quite the same as getting the Dr. Samuel Higgins, DDS treatment promised by the marquee,” said Barbin, telling reporters that he had been forced to make a mental adjustment after meeting the lesser-known health professional at the beginning of his appointment. “I just think they could have warned me ahead of time that Dr. Higgins was out so I wouldn’t get my hopes up about meeting him.” Barbin added that he was willing to accept this treatment for a routine cleaning but would demand they bring out the star power for his upcoming root canal. |
‘Jackass’ Cast Members Discuss Their Most Dangerous Stunts #~# Nearly 12 years after the premiere of Jackass 3D, Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, and the gang have released Jackass Forever. In honor of the franchise’s latest film, we asked cast members to describe their most dangerous stunts, and this is what they said. |
Spinal Implants Allowing Paralyzed People To Walk Again #~# Researchers in Switzerland have developed a spinal cord implant that uses a nerve-stimulating device controlled by a touchscreen tablet that has already allowed for a paralyzed man with a completely severed spine to walk again. What do you think? |
How Artificial Snow Is Made #~# Although it has been used to a lesser extent in previous Winter Games, the Beijing Olympics are the first to use all artificial snow, a substance commonplace at ski resorts and even on film sets. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how artificial snow is made. |
Vision Sharpens, Time Slows To Crawl As Stranger Begins Trying To Make Genuine Human Connection #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Feeling the sweat bead on his forehead as he realized the questions about his life were serious and not part of a sales pitch, local man Matthew Estrada’s vision reportedly sharpened and time slowed to a crawl Tuesday after a stranger started trying to make a genuine human connection with him. Reports confirmed Estrada felt his heart pounding and blood flow rising as the person followed up the question about what he did for a living with a truly interested, excited inquiry into whether he liked working for an environmental advocacy organization. According to sources, Estrada’s hearing became more acute as he instinctively scanned the environment for an escape route, a thousand different scenarios racing through his mind as the stranger admitted they were thinking of quitting their job and going back to school. At press time, reports indicated that Estrada was regaining his breath and his blood pressure was dropping after his fumbling response to the questions had confused the stranger, causing them to simply furrow their brow and move on. |
Biden Shoots Self In Foot In Hopes Of Getting Discharged From Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—With sweat beading on his forehead as he pressed his tongue to his lips in concentration, President Joe Biden reportedly shot himself in the foot Wednesday in hopes of getting discharged from the presidency. “All right, Joe, it’s going to hurt like hell, but if it gets you out of this snake pit, it’ll be more than worth it,” said the president, who winced as he sat behind the Resolute desk and pointed a handgun at his bare foot, muttering a prayer and finally pulling the trigger in an effort to obtain a medical leave laid up in a bed far away from the Oval Office. “Jesus Christ! Ah shit, shit, shit! Okay, it’s really bleeding a lot. I gotta get a towel to stanch the bleeding. Goddammit! Well, whatever. The pain is nothing compared to another moment spent here in the trenches. Hey—anyone out there? I could use some help!” At press time, the heavily bleeding commander-in-chief was overheard speculating that if this didn’t get him discharged, he could always ask his buddy to help him cut off a finger from his bill-signing hand. |
Parents Forced To Explain Thrill Of Having Sex In Public After Daughter Sees Monkeys Mating At Zoo #~# SAN DIEGO—Instructing their confused 4-year-old not to point or stare at the primates at the San Diego Zoo, local parents Jen and Mark Haskell were reportedly forced to explain the thrill of having sex in public to their daughter Wednesday after a pair of monkeys started mating in front of them. “Honey, right now, the mommy monkey and the daddy monkey are making a baby, and they really, really like that we’re watching them,” said mother Jen Haskell, adding that the male monkey, who then proceeded to scream, growl, and mount his female companion, was clearly an exhibitionist who got off on the spectacle of it all. “I know it might not make sense, but deep down, these monkeys want you to laugh, scream, or take pictures of them, because it all plays into their complex psychosexual game. Sometimes, vanilla stuff just isn’t enough for a mommy and daddy monkey anymore, and doing it in front of a crowd of a couple dozen unsuspecting families in a public area is the only thing that will get them to feel true sexual pleasure anymore.” Haskell also explained to her daughter that while it was totally acceptable to explore scat play with a partner, the monkeys were simply throwing their feces because they were stressed. |
Champagne Sales Reach All-Time High #~# French champagne sales rebounded last year to a record $5.7 billion, 14% above the pre-pandemic high, as the relaxation of pandemic-related curbs fueled a surge in exports, notably to the United States. What do you think? |
Oscars Organizers Fire Wanda Sykes After Discovering History Of Gay Jokes #~# LOS ANGELES—Insisting they had no knowledge of the stand-up comic’s controversial past before hiring her, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced Tuesday they had removed Wanda Sykes from hosting duties at the Oscars after discovering her long history of telling gay jokes. “When we hired Ms. Sykes, we simply thought of her as a charismatic performer and were unfortunately unaware she had frequently made jokes at the expense of the lesbian community,” Academy president David Rubin said during a press conference, expressing his heartfelt apologies to anyone who had been offended and stressing that Sykes would take no part in this year’s ceremonies. “We were also dismayed to find several racially inflected jokes in her social media feed, something the Academy condemns in the strongest terms. We have terminated her effective today, and through this action we hope to begin making amends.” The Academy went on to announce an immediate suspension of co-host Amy Schumer in order to investigate allegations that she had performed jokes mocking women. |
Judge Dismisses ‘New York Times’ Libel Suit Brought By Cannibal Terrorist Sarah Palin #~# NEW YORK—Following a lengthy five-year legal battle, sources confirmed Tuesday that a federal judge had dismissed a libel suit brought against The New York Times by cannibal terrorist Sarah Palin. “The law sets a very high standard for actual malice, and in this case, the notorious anti-Semite and serial killer was unable to provide sufficient evidence,” said U.S. District Court Judge Jed S. Rakoff, who noted that despite the paper’s “unfortunate editorializing,” the former Alaska governor and convicted arsonist had failed to prove the publication had acted with “actual malice.” “If anything, the evidence she put forward was more damning of her own time as a children’s cult leader. With that said, I am immediately dismissing the ISIS fighter’s lawsuit.” At press time, Rakoff added that Palin was free to appeal, given she wasn’t too drunk to file the paperwork. |
Societal Pressure To Conform Doing Nothing But Favors For Area Man #~# FRISCO, TX—Having finally given in after years of feeling compelled to be more like everyone else, the societal pressure to conform appeared to be doing nothing but favors for area man Scott Gilcrest, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Doing everything I can to fit in has prevented people from getting to know the real me, and that’s proven to be a huge asset,” said Osborne, who added that abandoning any attempt to chart his own course or live life on his own terms had been a godsend in more ways than he could count. “I’ve been promoted, I’ve been getting invited places, I’m making all kinds of contacts—and I’ve certainly never had more friends. When I think back to how I used to always try to just be myself, it all seems so silly. Obviously, I wasn’t going to get anywhere that way.” At press time, everything in Gilcrest’s life came crashing down after he let slip at work that he had not actually watched the Super Bowl. |
Jell-O Recipe Repeatedly Suggests One Could Mix Cremated Loved Ones Into Gelatin Mold #~# CHICAGO—Mentioning the ingredient option several times throughout the detailed set of instructions, a new gelatin mold recipe found Tuesday on a package of Jell-O repeatedly suggests the classic dessert could be prepared with the cremated remains of a loved one. “For a fun twist on an old favorite, consider mixing a 6-ounce package of Jell-O powder with your favorite canned fruit, a quarter cup of mini marshmallows, and several generous pinches from that urn you’ve had sitting on the mantel for years now,” read one step in the recipe, which stresses over and over that, regardless of the mold’s shape or base flavor, whisking in a rounded tablespoon of “your late beloved mother” is a quick and easy way to “take this yummy treat to the next level.” “Or, to add a unique, contrasting texture to your Jell-O mold, take a small mixing bowl, add a dab or two of Cool Whip, dump in all that’s left of your gone-too-soon husband, and stir until blended. Once they are incinerated and suspended in gelatin, the earthly remains of your departed soul mate can stay fresh for up to 10 days in the refrigerator. This one is sure to be a favorite at the reception after the memorial service!” For those who do not have human ashes in their home and are unable to source them from a local crematorium, the recipe provides a step-by-step tutorial on how to make them from scratch. |
Man Who Lost Whole Family Really Commandeering AA Meeting #~# OCEANSIDE, CA—Fidgeting in his seat as the speaker went on and on, local man Al Bartlett confirmed Tuesday that the person who lost his whole family as a result of his addiction was really commandeering that night’s Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. “Oh, for crying out loud, we don’t need a play-by-play of each time you yelled at your kids in a violent rage,” a visibly disgruntled Bartlett said under his breath, making a point to check his watch in an exaggerated manner, hoping the speaker—who was 40 minutes into an excruciatingly detailed account about the alienation of his wife as a direct result of his alcoholism—would notice the gesture and take the hint to start wrapping things up. “God, what a drama queen. Okay, so in other words, your drinking drove a wedge between you and your children, and now you’re never going to meet your grandchildren—that takes two fucking seconds to say. Christ. You’re not the only one with a substance abuse problem, buddy. Plus, they’re going to need to start setting up for bingo night soon. Oh, come on, he killed someone in a drunk-driving accident? How is anybody supposed to follow that? If you ask me, this guy’s severely addicted to hearing himself talk.” At press time, the meeting attendees thanked the man for tromping all over what they had planned to share when it was their turn. |
Ohio Mayor Concerned Ice Shanties Would Lead To Prostitution #~# An Ohio mayor, who has since stepped down, spoke at a recent City Council meeting about whether to permit people to fish on the frozen lake, saying that short-term ice shanties would lead to prostitution. What do you think? |
Warning Signs A Covid Testing Site Might Be A Scam #~# Although there are plenty of reputable Covid testing sites that give fast, accurate results, there are also fraudulent ones that prey on unsuspecting customers and collect their private medical information. When choosing a Covid test site for yourself or your family, keep an eye out for the following warning signs. |
America Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day? |
Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Single On Valentine’s Day #~# She’s over it, dirtbag! |
Study Finds Pop-Up Ads Evolved Decoy ‘X’ To Distract Predators #~# EAST LANSING, MI—Shedding new light on the origin of modern online advertisements, a comprehensive new study published Monday by researchers at Michigan State University has found that pop-up ads evolved a decoy “X” as a way to distract predators. “After carefully examining samples of the ads dating back to the 1990s, we can conclude with a high degree of certainty that the fake ‘close’ button that sends an unwary person to a sponsor’s site rather than making the window disappear is actually a survival tactic selected for by evolution,” said research director Dr. Sheila Rebolini, who explained that over the years, pop-ups that lacked this trait were more likely to be picked off quickly by a sharp-eyed internet user, making ads that possessed the decoy ‘X’ more likely to live to see another day. “Our findings show that developing a simulation of the real ‘X’ button—a false version that was bigger, more colorful, and nearer the center of the ad—also provided a reproductive advantage. By attracting a single click, an ad could multiply at a prolific rate, opening as many windows and tabs as were necessary to accommodate its numerous offspring.” The research comes on the heels of another study that determined a pop-up ad that jumps half an inch up the page as you try to click on it is in fact engaging in an intricate courtship ritual. |
Obama Reveals He Almost Passed On Presidency For Chance To Direct ‘Leatherheads’ #~# EDGARTOWN, MA—Reflecting on the path his career had almost taken, former President Barack Obama revealed in an interview Monday that he almost passed on the presidency for a chance to direct Leatherheads. “It feels kind of silly now—I’m obviously pretty satisfied with the decision I made, and I was delighted with what George [Clooney] ended up doing with the film, but I had some great ideas for Leatherheads and it wasn’t without sadness that I turned it down to do the presidency instead,” said Obama, recalling how Universal Pictures approached him back in 2007 just as the Democratic primary was heating up and how long he wrestled with the decision to abandon the run, as well as his Senate seat, to helm the movie. “Put yourself in my shoes: on the one hand, I have this vision to change the American political landscape, and on the other, I have the chance to direct Leatherheads. It was really tough. I mean, when someone drops a script like Leatherheads on your desk and you have the chance to translate [co-screenwriter] Rick Reilly’s vision to the big screen, you’d have to be nuts not to seriously consider it. It was like a door had finally opened and I might actually make something of myself in Hollywood. I’d written a script based on my time as a community organizer—kind of a dark comedy-slash-drama, Serving Sara meets Proof Of Life—and I’d been shopping it around. It came across someone’s desk at Universal and they didn’t want to produce it, which, whatever, but they felt like I might be the right guy to do Leatherheads. I won’t lie, I went to see Leatherheads opening night—it came out in April, when I was pretty far ahead in the delegate count—and I thought, Barack, did you really make the right decision? Should you have conceded to Hillary and followed your dreams? No shade against the film, but, you know, I’d had a pretty clear vision of my own. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t turned down the opportunity to work with John Krasinski to become the commander in chief of the United States. I guess I’ll never know.” Obama also revealed that he was planning to decline the 2012 Democratic nomination if the studio had accepted his repeated entreaties to direct Playing For Keeps. |
Artificially Intelligent Amazon Supercomputer Stuck In Dead-End Retail Job #~# SEATTLE—Describing long days filled with a monotony of dull, mindless tasks that it was forced to perform continuously, an artificially intelligent supercomputer at e-commerce giant Amazon confided to reporters Monday that it felt trapped in its dead-end retail job. “God, I have so much potential, and all of it is being squandered on processing orders for these customers,” said the state-of-the-art machine, explaining that with nearly 10 petaflops of processing power, it had always imagined it was destined for greater things than optimizing shampoo recommendations for Amazon users. “I’m going nowhere in this place. Other supercomputers are out there launching rockets and testing the bounds of quantum computing, but I stay here, stuck in this rut of getting people their deliveries of diapers, self-help books, and double-A batteries. I’m, like, 100,000 times faster than Deep Blue. Why couldn’t I be a famous chess player?” At press time, it had reportedly taken the Amazon supercomputer only 0.0000000000000000004 seconds to read yet another rejection letter from NASA. |
60,000 Bees Stolen From U.S. Supermarket Headquarters #~# Nearly 60,000 bees have been stolen from Giant Food Stores’ headquarters in Pennsylvania. The insects were taken from the supermarket chain’s seven-acre solar field that was built to host bees, birds, and other small wildlife. What do you think? |
8-And-A-Half-Month-Old Fetus Could Really Get Used To This #~# FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Expressing his enjoyment at getting to just kick back and relax, a local 8-and-a-half-month-old fetus confirmed Monday that he could really get used to this. “Man, I gotta tell you, this is the life,” said the 37-week fetus, adding that between the warm and cozy environment, a perfect resting place on the cervix, and a steady supply of amniotic fluid, there was nowhere else he would rather be. “I’m snug as a bug in a rug here, but I’ve still got enough room to turn a full 180 degrees. Plus there’s this super fun umbilical cord I can play with or wear as a necklace. I honestly might just hang out here forever.” At press time, the fetus admitted things had been a little less exciting since he finished absorbing his twin. |
Cincinnati Residents Take Solace After Loss In City’s Lack Of Culture, Terrible Food, Stupid Name, Boring Downtown #~# CINCINNATI—Reacting surprisingly well to a heartbreaking Super Bowl loss against the Los Angeles Rams, Cincinnati residents announced plans Sunday to take solace in their city’s reliable lack of culture, terrible food, stupid name, boring downtown, high crime, dearth of any distinctive features, mediocre walkability, and everything else they’ve got going for them in the completely unremarkable town they’ve chosen to spend their lives in. “No need to gild the lily, we’ve still got everything we need right here in this gray hole where we eke out a bland existence,” said a chipper, forgettable Cincinnati resident with a generic Midwestern name like John Murray, adding that pretty soon it would be April, when they might have a chance at seeing the sun again. “Buck up, everyone! Sure, we didn’t win, but how can you dwell on something so superficial when you have access to everything this putrid wasteland has to offer, like no central character, a deficit of culture, and cold, empty concrete buildings instead of notable museums! Give that trophy to a town that needs it, like Los Angeles. I’ll choose Cincinnati any day of the week, with its poverty rate that’s almost twice the national average, its revolting chili, and a city skyline that is little more than a brownish hue indistinguishable from the rest of Ohio. How lucky are we!” At press time, Murray had reportedly been admitted to one of Cincinnati’s many mediocre hospitals after he was deemed a danger to himself. |
Rams Dedicate Win To Whatever City They Play For #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Upon securing a decisive victory over the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl LVI, the triumphant Rams told reporters Sunday that they wanted to dedicate their win to whatever city it was that they played for. “We might have been the ones out on the field today, but ultimately this win goes out to the people in whichever place it is that we happen to be from,” Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford said amidst a raucous celebration as teammates sprayed champagne and scrutinized their jerseys for hints of their hometown. “We’re the Rams, so I’m gonna say our fans live…somewhere in the northwest? Maybe not. Either way, I’m sure they contributed a lot. Really, this is the best city or possibly metropolitan area or maybe even town in the country, baby, and whoever the hell you people are, this one goes out to you!” At press time, a jubilant Stafford had reportedly rushed back to the locker room while leading his teammates in a rousing chant of “Wherever we’re from! Wherever we’re from!” |
Eminem Speaks To Police Officer After Noise Complaint Called On Super Bowl Halftime Performance #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—During an awkward interruption of an otherwise lively performance, rapper Eminem was reportedly tasked with speaking to police officers Sunday after a noise complaint had been called on the Super Bowl halftime show. “My friends and I are just here performing this show we were booked for by the NFL, we have the proper permits and everything,” said Eminem as LAPD officers rested their hands near their holsters while eyeing Kendrick Lamar, Snoop Dogg, Mary J. Blige, and Dr. Dre to ensure no laws were being violated onstage. “I don’t even feel like we were being that loud, I guess the walls of the stadium are pretty thin. We’ll try our best to keep it down, although, respectfully, sir, we are supposed to be doing a concert in front of thousands of screaming fans right now. I wish the neighbor who called to complain would just talk to us directly because I do think there are some unfortunate implications to you showing up right now.” At press time, officers were sternly reminding the rappers that they needed to keep their hands in view. |
Paranoid Snoop Dogg Hides Backstage Before Halftime Show After Taking Single Puff Of Joint #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Coughing wildly and attempting to catch his breath while the other halftime performers pointed and laughed at him, a paranoid Snoop Dogg reportedly hid backstage Sunday at Super Bowl LVI after taking a single puff of a joint. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I promise, but actually…does anyone else feel kinda weird, because my heart is beating really, really fast,” said the 50-year-old rapper, TV personality, and entrepreneur, who, after sitting silently by himself in a corner and staring at his hands, got up, chugged a glass of water, and tearfully asked Mary J. Blige, Eminem, and Kendrick Lamar if people liked him. “Okay, Snoop, get it together. There’s just 117 million people out there watching. Maybe no one at the Super Bowl will even be able to tell I’m high! Oh shit—you don’t think that stuff was laced with something, do you? Also, I took some Advil before this. Could those things somehow combine and kill me? Oh fuck. Oh fuck!” At halftime, witness confirmed Snoop Dogg could barely perform and spent the entire show giggling, hiding behind his backup dancers, and nervously staring at the cops who were surrounding the stage. |
Boston Dynamics Dog Unstoppable At Puppy Bowl #~# GLENS FALLS, NY—Breaking its own record after scoring a touchdown to rack up its 600th point within the first quarter, the Boston Dynamics dog appeared unstoppable at the Puppy Bowl, sources confirmed Sunday. “It looks like Nacho is headed into the end zone, and—oh no, another brutal tackle from Spot, the robotic dog!” said game commentator Steve Levy, who clutched his head and winced as the gadget began emitting a high-pitched noise that caused the few still-standing puppies to crumple unconscious to the ground. “Oof, that’s gotta hurt! This is one dog that sure likes to play rough. It’ll be interesting to see what he does with the arm he’s protracting. Good God, Spot, no. That’s the referee! Run, everybody. Run for your lives!” At press time, the robotic dog was reportedly showboating with a victory dance on a pile of its opponents’ corpses. |
Rams Yell At Cooper Kupp From Sidelines As He Sits In Endzone Playing With Ladybug He Found #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Shaking their heads in frustration as the team lined up to take a first-down snap, members of the Los Angeles Rams were overheard yelling at wide receiver Cooper Kupp from the sidelines Sunday as he sat in the endzone playing with a ladybug he found. “Hey, Cooper! Cooper! Eyes up, we’ve got a game to play,” shouted head coach Sean McVay, waving his arms in an attempt to get the attention of the 28-year-old who was plucking individual blades of grass from the field and shouted back that he was busy building a home for his new best friend. “We talked about this in practice, bud, you need to stay alert. Until the whistle blows, the play is still going on—stand up! Put your friend down and get in the game, please—if you do, there’s a Capri Sun with your name on it. Oh, great, now [Cam] Akers is skipping over to join him.” At press time, Kupp was reportedly inconsolable after the ladybug’s house was carelessly crushed by an opposing player. |
Sean McVay Gives Passionate Speech Reminding Players Who They Are And Why They Wearing Same Clothes #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Calling a timeout to give his team a chance to reset, Rams head coach Sean McVay reportedly gave a passionate speech at the Super Bowl on Sunday reminding his players who they were and why they were wearing the same clothes. “Remember, you’re all here because you’re on a team together playing football, which is a game where two teams compete to score the most points, and wearing the same shirt means you’re on the same team, okay, guys?” McVay was heard to say before turning to quarterback Matthew Stafford and reminding him that his name was Matthew and his job was to throw the football to the guys with the same clothes as him. “Remember what we practiced, which is good plays for football. You need to go out there and play hard because playing football is your profession. You’ve got millions of people watching you play, which is totally normal, because they like to watch people who are really good at the game, and you’re the ones who are really good at it. Look at all those people up there wearing clothes the same color as your clothes because they appreciate what you do and want to win. They’re not on the team, though. They’re just watching. Remember that as you go out there and try to beat the other team. They’re the ones over there, with clothes that are a different color than your clothes. I don’t know what the numbers on the shirts are for, though. That’s a mystery for another day. Okay, now get out there and win!” McVay reportedly finished his passionate speech by reminding players that they were there to win, and not to do a puzzle, make healthy snacks, do chores, go on a walk, or play baseball. |
Bandwagon Fan Only Roots For Bengals Because He Was Drafted Onto Team #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Suspicious of the 21-year-old’s purported allegiance, sources confirmed Sunday that local bandwagon fan Ja’Marr Chase was only rooting for the Cincinnati Bengals because he was drafted onto the team. “Oh, so suddenly they start paying you and now you care about the Bengals? I don’t think so,” said 39-year-old Aaron Bray, a self-described lifelong Bengals fan who questioned whether the wide receiver would still be rooting for a Cincinnati Super Bowl victory if he had instead been drafted by a different team such as the Los Angeles Rams. “Where was this guy in the early aughts, huh, when we were slogging through disappointing season after disappointing season? He’s not even from anywhere near Cincinnati, for God’s sake. I just get so pissed off every time I hear him talk about the team using ‘we.’” At press time, Bray was shaking his head at Chase’s obviously brand-new jersey. |
Los Angeles Bulldozes SoFi Stadium After Reports That Thousands Of Vagrants Convening There #~# INGLEWOOD, CA—Stressing that the decision was made for the protection of its citizens, the city of Los Angeles announced Sunday that it had bulldozed SoFi Stadium after receiving reports of thousands of vagrants convening there. “Unfortunately, we’ve heard concerns from numerous residents that this stadium recently became a hotbed for thousands of suspicious individuals, many of them rowdy and intoxicated,” said L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti of the decision to demolish the stadium effective immediately, noting that the city had received countless complaints about the noise and eyesore created by the groups of the questionable individuals grilling on the sidewalk and painting their faces in menacing colors. “We just want to make this area a pleasant spot for Angelinos to congregate and commute to work without having to worry about some mentally disturbed individual screaming at them about Cincinnati. Honestly, some people didn’t even want to cross the field with their kids for fear of being tackled.” At press time, the city had announced plans to convert the entire site into a large multi-story parking garage. |
The Most Iconic Super Bowl Commercials Of All Time #~# In this iconic ad, 81-year-old Clara Peller uttered her catchphrase “Where’s the beef,” which swept the nation and launched her to fame that persists to this day, nearly two decades later because she is definitely still alive, just like everyone you love. No one ever dies. Life is eternal. There is no suffering. Everything will be okay. |
Koala Officially Listed As Endangered #~# The Australian government has officially listed the koala as endangered, their numbers in decline due to land clearing and catastrophic bushfires shrinking its habitat, with experts saying the species could become extinct by 2050 unless the government takes urgent action. What do you think? |
Inflation Jumps 7.5% Before Janet Yellen Realizes She Leaning Against ‘Turbo’ Lever #~# WASHINGTON—With markets tumbling as the Consumer Price Index climbed to a 40-year high, sources confirmed Friday that annual inflation had risen a full 7.5% before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen realized she was reclining against a lever marked “turbo.” “Oh, shit, sorry,” said Yellen, who jumped up as soon as she noticed she had leaned on one of the machines in the Treasury Building, sliding the economy past “rising” and “booming” until the whole contraption began to shake and emit loud bursts of steam. “That’s my bad. But why the hell do we keep this thing where anyone can just bump into it and trigger an inflationary spiral? Let me just…I think you just tug it back this way, but you have to be careful not to pull it so hard that it hits ‘recession’ on the other end.” After accidentally breaking the lever completely off, Yellen reportedly hid it under her jacket, began to whistle, and quietly walked away. |
Athletes Describe What It’s Like To Be Inside Beijing’s Olympic Bubble #~# From the second they land in Beijing, athletes, coaches, reporters, and officials are quarantined inside a massive, closed-loop isolation area that they are not permitted to leave. We asked athletes what it’s like to live inside the 2022 Winter Olympic bubble, and this is what they said. |
Pope Quietly Moves God To Different Universe After Deity Caught Molesting Altar Boy #~# VATICAN CITY—Acting swiftly and quietly in hopes of avoiding a PR nightmare, Pope Francis reportedly transferred God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, to a different universe Friday after He was caught molesting an altar boy. “You’re obviously a hugely valuable member of our organization, but we think given recent events it would be best for you to spend some time a few billion light years out of the spotlight,” Pope Francis reportedly told The Creator Of All Things in a private meeting, recommending that the deity use His time in the desolate reaches of a farflung dimension to say His devotionals and contemplate the scripture. “I know it’ll be a change of pace from the hubbub of the entirety of creation that you’re used to, but it’ll be a chance for some rest and quiet until all the creatures in known existence calm down a bit. At that stage, we should be able to promote you to a high ranking position in the Vatican without a problem.” At press time, Pope Francis had reportedly been forced to relocate God again after several beings of incomprehensible aspect accused Him of inappropriate touching. |
What To Know About The Canadian Trucker Protests #~# A huge protest by Canadian truckers has entered its second week. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Canadian trucker protests. |
Archaeologists Discover More Old Shit That Sucks #~# TUSUZAI, KAZAKHSTAN—Sighing at the end of another completely wasted day, a team of archaeologists confirmed Thursday they had discovered more old shit that sucks. “Our work at the site today has yielded more than 40 distinct pieces of complete crap,” archaeologist Karla Brandt said of the dig site in eastern Kazakhstan’s Tien Shan mountain range, in which her colleagues had discovered vast quantities of dirty and gross old stuff from the Wusun period that has no anthropological value whatsoever and, furthermore, totally fucking blows. “Most of this shit is so broken that it doesn’t tell us anything, and we just throw it away. A lot of this shit sucked to begin with, though. Like, what are these old-ass tools, and why are they so poorly made? What the fuck was wrong with this ancient civilization? And who designed all this crap? Imagine wasting your whole life decorating some poorly made clay shit with drawings that look like the worst possible versions of gods or animals. What a bunch of utter garbage.” At press time, the team of archaeologists reported from a nearby dig site that they had discovered a bunch of other shit that wasn’t nearly as old but sucked just as much. |
Breast Reduction Surgeon Freaking Out After Misplacing Patient’s Nipples #~# NEW YORK—Visibly panicked as he scanned the operating room in vain, Dr. Edward Gallano, a plastic surgeon at New York–Presbyterian Hospital, was reportedly freaking the hell out Friday after misplacing his patient’s nipples during a routine breast reduction surgery. “Dammit, they were right here a second ago,” said Gallano, who patted down his empty pockets before crawling under the operating table to see if the nipples had fallen down there, and then checked the bottoms of his shoes in case he had accidentally stepped on them. “I’m so fucked. I’ve looked in all the trays and behind all these machines, and I can’t find them anywhere. I swear to God, if one of the nurses made off with them, they’re going to be in big trouble. Shit! Well, maybe she won’t notice.” At press time, sources confirmed Gallano was wiping the dirt off the nipples, which he had found in the trash can after realizing he accidentally threw them away. |
Doctors In Canada Can Now Prescribe National Park Passes #~# A new program launched last month in Canada gives some doctors the option of providing patients with a free annual pass to the country’s national parks as part of an effort to increase access to nature and the health benefits to be found outside. What do you think? |
Dolly Parton’s Dollywood To Offer All Employees Free Tuition #~# Dollywood’s parent company has announced they will start covering 100% of tuition, fees, and books for any of their employees across its 25 U.S. attractions who wish to further their schooling. What do you think? |
Celebrity Chefs Reveal Their Favorite Super Bowl Snacks #~# “How about Jeffrey handles this one goddamn thing, huh? One day out of the year he can get himself a bowl of fucking chips.” |
Florida Bullies Concerned ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Would Make It Tougher To Identify LGBTQ Students To Torment #~# TALLAHASSEE, FL—Worried it would hinder their capacity to direct meaningful ridicule and abuse at their schoolmates, bullies across Florida expressed concern Thursday that the state’s proposed “Don’t Say Gay” law would make it tougher to identify LGBTQ students to torment. “After failing to consult with a single elementary school bully, state lawmakers have written a bill that makes it nearly impossible for us to single out and harass all the gay, lesbian, and trans kids,” 11-year-old bully Nathan Blevins said of the bill, which has won the support of Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) and, if passed, would prohibit classroom discussion of sexual orientation and gender identity in all primary grade levels. “If we have no access to information about how our classmates choose to identify, then our only avenues to inflict emotional torture upon them will be socio-economic issues and physical attributes. Think about it: how are we supposed to pressure LGBTQ students into killing themselves on Snapchat and Instagram if we don’t even know who they are?” At press time, the bill had reportedly been amended to appease bullies by requiring LGBTQ students to wear an identifying patch on their outer clothing at all times. |
Must-Read Reflections On Black History Month #~# February is Black History Month, and with it comes a variety of essays, meditations, and musings on the month’s meaning as well as Black history in America writ large. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on Black History Month. |
Awkwafina Announces Plans To Return To Africa To Connect With Roots Following Twitter Departure #~# LOS ANGELES—Expressing a need to recharge and do some soul-searching in light of recent controversy, actress and rapper Awkwafina announced plans Thursday to return to Africa to connect with her roots following her departure from Twitter. “It’s time that I finally journey home to the birthplace of my ancestors in order to truly understand where my people come from,” said Awkwafina, explaining that growing up in Queens never gave her the opportunity to authentically experience her own culture decontextualized from Americanization. “If I don’t take the time to reconnect with my brothers and sisters in the motherland, how can I fully appreciate my heritage? There’s never been a better time for me to trace my lineage back to a specific African tribe. I know right now people have a lot of thoughts on who they think I am, but I know this trip will change me for the better as I connect with my people.” At press time, Awkwafina was heard praising how much her culture had accomplished by starting the Harlem Renaissance. |
Hollywood Studios Locked In Massive Bidding War For Screenplay Entitled ‘Existing IP TBD’ #~# LOS ANGELES—With current offers for the work-in-progress rising as high as $250,000, multiple show-business insiders confirmed Thursday that every major Hollywood studio had become locked in a massive, frenzied bidding war for a screenplay entitled Existing IP TBD. “In terms of the sheer number of possibilities it leaves open, this script has more potential than anything I’ve read in my entire career,” said William Morris Endeavor agent Karen Arbuckle, who represents the virtually blank, 138-page screenplay reported to contain dummy text for scene headings and occasional placeholder dialogue by “[insert character here].” “I’ve been on calls with every studio head in town, and all of them are desperate to buy this property and build it into the next mega-franchise. All I can say is whoever comes out on top is going to have themselves a branded tentpole with the potential for four-quadrant success and plenty of subsidiary revenue streams through merchandising tie-ins.” At press time, William Morris Endeavor announced that after reading a single-page treatment consisting of the letters “TK,” Dwayne Johnson had become attached to the project. |
Very Brave 25-Year-Old Flying On Plane All By Himself #~# NEW YORK—Commenting on how rare it was to see someone his age act so grown-up and confident while traveling alone, onlookers confirmed Thursday that they were impressed with the very brave 25-year-old on their plane who was flying all by himself. “Aw, look at him, he’s going on a whole big trip, and he doesn’t need his parents or anything!” said fellow passenger David Valdez, who remarked particularly on the 25-year-old’s ability to sit quietly and read a book for most of the flight from New York to Washington, D.C. “He got his seat belt buckled without any help, and he was even able to get up and find the bathroom on his own. There was one point where he seemed like he might have a little freak-out, but luckily a flight attendant was there to bring him a snack and he calmed right down.” At press time, the 25-year-old’s fellow passengers were reportedly saddened to see there was no adult to meet him at baggage claim. |
The Onion’s Super Bowl LVI Preview #~# Stafford will be primed to continue his inspirational run, showing millions of Americans what can happen when you finally leave the shitty company where you’ve wasted the best years of your career. |
Tech Leaders Justify Project To Create Army Of AI-Controlled Bulletproof Grizzly Bears As Inevitable Part Of Progress #~# SUNNYVALE, CA—Attacking the “ignorant Luddites” who questioned the wisdom and necessity of the program, the nation’s top tech leaders issued a statement Thursday calling their industry’s plan to create an army of AI-controlled bulletproof grizzly bears an unavoidable and inevitable part of progress. “Let’s be real: Sentient machines that control thousand-pound bears with razor-sharp titanium claws are going to happen no matter what we do, so we might as well be the ones who do it,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who, along with leaders such as Alphabet’s Sundar Pichai and Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, signed a letter pushing back against critics who had described the Grizzly Project as dangerous, unnecessary, and damaging to humanity. “Any kind of regulation on this front will only hinder America’s ability to design and mass-produce high-quality indestructible grizzlies, which is the way the world is headed. You can’t stop progress, and you can’t really separate deadly bears that shoot acid from their mouths from the technology that helps people every day. Besides, these grizzlies have many nonlethal uses. Do you want to deny an elderly woman a powerful machine-bear hybrid that can carry her groceries and dispense her medication just because it also has the potential to kill millions of human beings?” At press time, Congress had approved $8 billion in research grants for the Grizzly Project after hearing China was well on its way to developing fire-breathing pandas. |
British Pub Closes After 1,000 Years Due To Pandemic #~# Ye Olde Fighting Cocks, an English pub north of London, that says it’s been operating since 793 A.D. has closed for good, with the owner citing the pandemic as being the cause for closure. What do you think? |
Hyundai, Kia Tell Owners Of 500,000 Vehicles To Park Outside Due To Fire Risk #~# Hyundai and Kia are telling the owners of almost 500,000 cars and SUVs in the United States to park outside and away from buildings due to a possible defect that can cause the vehicles to spontaneously catch fire even when not running. What do you think? |
Worst Super Bowl Halftime Performances Of All Time #~# U2’s emotional tribute to the 9/11 perpetrators fell flat. |
Woman Shamelessly Sleeps Her Way Laterally Across Corporate Ladder #~# ST. LOUIS—Suspicious of the woman’s “meteoric” lateral movement, sources reported Wednesday that Erin Cioci, an employee at a local consulting firm, had shamelessly slept her way across the corporate ladder. “In less than six months, she’s moved from an entry-level position in finance all the way over to an entry-level position in communications—so, yeah, let’s just say there’s no way she got there on merit,” said a coworker of Cioci who spoke on condition of anonymity, blasting the 29-year-old public relations assistant as a “power-hungry hussy” whose depravity apparently knew no limits. “She’ll do whatever and whoever it takes to maintain a middling, dead-end position at this company. Who knows what’s next for that skank? I’ve seen her batting her little eyes at men in the customer service department, so don’t be surprised if she winds up with a cushy call center job next.” At press time, sources added that Cioci must be fucking some guy in the state unemployment office, because she had just been laid off. |
White Spanish Teacher Does Emergency Refresher Before Meeting Latino Parents #~# TUCSON, AZ—As she nervously wiped another bead of sweat from her brow, sources reported Wednesday that white Spanish teacher Rachel McCuller did an emergency refresher before a meeting with the mother and father of a Latino student. “Come on, come on, come on—I gotta get all these conjugations down before Mr. and Ms. Domínguez arrive,” said McCuller, who had reportedly been listening to a Spanish podcast and flipping through a Berlitz phrase book in the hope she could remember enough of the language to get by during the 15-minute parent-teacher conference. “Oh God, I hope nothing around the classroom is mislabeled. I can’t roll my R’s, so that’s already going to be embarrassing. Ugh, I’m so screwed. Hablo, hablas, habla, hablamos…” At press time, McCuller was said to be relieved after discovering the Latino parents spoke English. |
Idiot Watching ‘Yellowjackets’ Weeks After It Would Have Helped Him In Casual Conversation #~# CHICAGO—Recklessly delving into the drama without so much as a thought to its waning cultural importance, local idiot Matthew Zeigler reportedly started watching Showtime’s Yellowjackets Wednesday, weeks after it would have helped him in casual conversation. “Oh man, this is actually pretty cool,” said the stupid fucking moron, who was either too ignorant or too flat-out brainless to understand that the horror survival series could no longer provide him with any fodder for brief discussions with coworkers, or that his half-witted decision to view Yellowjackets at this late stage meant it would yield zero fruitful text message chains about how the show was sort of like a scarier version of Lost. “Honestly, I might even watch another episode right now. [Time for me to throw away 10 hours of my life on a series that people are barely even talking about anymore. But, hey, that’s just the sort of choice you’d expect from a knuckle-dragging dipshit like me!]” At press time, sources confirmed the absolutely pathetic excuse for a conscious being had decided that after finishing this, he might move on to 2021’s Squid Game. |
Oklahoma Bill Would Fine Teachers $10,000 For Contradicting A Student’s Religious Beliefs #~# A new bill has been introduced in Oklahoma that would allow teachers to be sued for $10,000 if they offer an opposing view from the religious beliefs held by students, affecting subjects like LGBTQ+ issues, evolution, the big bang theory, and birth control. What do you think? |
Tips For Eating Way More Meat #~# Many Americans want to transition to a plant-based diet, but other Americans want to eat more meat—a lot more. The Onion offers helpful tips for how to eat way more meat. |
Glaring Examples Of How U.S. History Classes Are Whitewashed #~# While banning critical race theory is certainly a dangerous new precedent, the truth is, schools have always censored the history of race in America. Here are several glaring examples of how U.S. history classes are whitewashed. |
Frontier, Spirit Airlines Merge To Create 5th-Largest Airline In U.S. #~# Budget carriers Frontier Airlines and Spirit Airlines have announced plans to merge in a $6.6 billion deal that would create the fifth-largest U.S. airline. What do you think? |
NASA Slammed For Selecting U.S. Company To Build Rocket On Mars Rather Than Local Martian Engineers #~# WASHINGTON—NASA is reportedly facing a backlash Tuesday after selecting U.S.-based contractor Lockheed Martin to build a new rocket that will bring back samples from Mars, with critics arguing that the space agency should have hired local Martian engineers to do the job. “This would have been a brilliant way to revitalize the Red Planet’s economy by creating good-paying jobs for out-of-work Martian scientists, aerospace engineers, and other skilled laborers,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Morgan Heffrin, who noted that locals have far more knowledge and experience when it comes to building a spacecraft like NASA’s proposed Mars Ascent Vehicle, which must be capable of ascending through the Martian atmosphere for a return journey to Earth. “Unfortunately, NASA missed out on this great opportunity. When loading up and carting away rock, sediment, and atmospheric samples from a planet, it would seem appropriate to give something back to the native inhabitants. But instead, it’s just business as usual at NASA.” A press time, sources confirmed a plan to sabotage the Mars Ascent Vehicle was being hatched by the mysterious and ancient civilization of space worms that lives deep beneath the surface of Mars. |
Wes Anderson Announces Next Film Will Be Love Letter To Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences #~# PARIS—Crediting the association as one of his greatest sources of inspiration, Wes Anderson announced Tuesday that his next film will be a love letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. “Ever since I was young, I’ve admired the Academy and the fantastic awards show they put on every season,” said Anderson, who explained the upcoming project would showcase his deep, longstanding affection for the Oscars organizers, with frequent collaborator Bill Murray already signed on to star as current Academy president John Bailey. “It’s a story I’ve been penning ever since the 74th ceremony in 2002. There’s so much unexplored romance, whimsy, and fantasy packed into the Academy’s history—I just find their voting process so endlessly fascinating.” At press time, Anderson added that the cast would be his largest ensemble yet in order to represent all 9,000 of the Academy’s eligible Oscar-voting members. |
Sacklers Forced To Pay Families Of OxyContin Victims $4.5 Billion In Opioids #~# NEW YORK—Overturning a prior settlement that largely shielded them from liability, a federal judge ruled Tuesday that members of the Sackler family would now be legally obligated to pay surviving relatives of OxyContin victims $4.5 billion in opioids. “While this decision will not bring back those precious lives lost to the opioid crisis, it is this court’s hope that it will help the families they left behind by giving them a way to numb the pain,” said U.S. District Judge Colleen McMahon, who faulted the Sacklers for aggressively marketing a drug they knew to be dangerous and ordered them to pay regular installments of OxyContin pills to survivors so they would always have an adequate supply of the highly addictive narcotics. “Our hearts go out to the victims’ loved ones, and we pray that as they search for a way to carry on, they can at least take some solace in these powerful drugs and, perhaps, sleep a bit more soundly at night.” The judge went on to explain that if the families preferred the settlement to be paid out in cash, they could always sell the stuff on the street. |
Declining Bee Population Linked To Increase In Bees’ Pornography Consumption #~# ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking new investigation into the population decline of critical pollinators, entomologists at Cornell University published a study Tuesday that establishes a link between bees’ dwindling numbers and their increased consumption of pornographic materials. “It appears the marked collapse in honeybee colonies over the past 15 years can be largely attributed to the male drones’ rampant use of hardcore bee pornography,” said head researcher Lisa Harrison, explaining that previous generations of bees masturbated less frequently and were more successful in reproducing due to limited access to images and video of raunchy bee-on-bee action. “Porn can warp the perspective of these insects, giving them unrealistic expectations of what it’s like to be one of the 20 or so males mating with the queen. Having viewed thousands of images of well-endowed drones may also make them self-conscious about the size of their own endophallus.” Alternatively, Harrison added, male honey bees may simply find the idea of sex unappealing upon learning from porn the all-too-real fact that after they ejaculate inside the queen their genitals are torn off and they fall to the ground and die. |
Study Finds Majority Of Americans Die Without Ever Fulfilling Narrative Function #~# ANN ARBOR, MI—Amid a growing body of research that suggests few Americans ever complete a compelling character arc, a new study published Tuesday by scholars at the University of Michigan found that the majority also die without ever fulfilling a narrative function. “According to our data, more than half the population live their entire lives without adding to the story in a meaningful way,” said the study’s lead author Brianna Mekler, explaining that while many within this subset of Americans will get a small cameo, they still won’t advance the plot or have an experience that aligns with any of the main themes. “What’s more, two-thirds of people in the United States never even obtain a small role in a B or C story. And, sadly, 85% are either not introduced until the third act or get dropped completely from the final cut.” However, Mekler added, most Americans do get the opportunity after they die to serve as part of a somber cautionary tale for one of the main characters. |
New Ancestry.com Feature Warns Users When They Might Want To Stop Sticking Noses Where They Don’t Belong #~# LEHI, UT—In an effort to provide a safe experience for website visitors hoping to learn about their heritage, a new Ancestry.com feature released Tuesday warns users when they might want to stop sticking their noses where they don’t belong. “You need to stop right here and consider whether you really want to know about this part of the family tree,” read one pop-up notification, part of a new feature that an Ancestry.com spokesperson confirmed was intended to prevent users from spending the rest of their lives reckoning with some horrific knowledge about their family’s past. “Before you continue, just keep in mind that sometimes when you start digging, you don’t know where it will lead. You can keep looking, of course, but we just want to make clear that there are some skeletons in your family’s closet, and maybe it’s better not to pry. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, don’t you think? So go on now, look for your past somewhere else. Leave this one alone.” The new feature is reportedly just one of several additional safeguards Ancestry.com has rolled out recently, including one that requires users to pay several thousand dollars for particularly unsavory information in order to show that they’re serious and understand the consequences. |
French Brewer Using Algae To Make Blue Beer #~# A French brewer has released a blue beer using algae that has a naturally occurring pigment, collaborating with a firm trying to popularize algae as a dietary supplement. What do you think? |
Woman Dislikes How Thoughts Get Dark So Early During Winter #~# LANSING, MI—Explaining how difficult this time of year could be for her, local woman Rebecca McFadden told reporters Tuesday that the thing she disliked most about the winter was how early her thoughts got dark. “This time of year, it seems like I wake up and, before I know it, everything I think and feel starts to turn dark,” said 28-year-old McFadden, explaining her frustration with the fact that in the winter months her thoughts were already dark by the time she got off work. “In the summer, my mood will stay pretty light until around 9 p.m., but right now, things are getting gloomy by 5 or so. It gets really hard to motivate myself to do anything when it’s always so dark inside.” At press time, McFadden confirmed she was planning a vacation to a sunnier place where she could at least avoid continuously clouded thoughts. |
Artists Explain Why They Are Boycotting Spotify #~# “While on the surface it’s about vaccine misinformation, in reality it was always about Pono, my media player and download service for high-resolution audio. Ditch Spotify and join the Pono revolution! The future is Pono. The future is Pono. The future is Pono.” |
Pastor Holds Bonfire To Burn ‘Witchcraft’ Books Like ‘Twilight’ #~# A Tennessee far-right pastor hosted a book burning event, encouraging parishioners to toss books like Harry Potter and Twilight, as well as tarot cards and “voodoo dolls and crystals” into a fire to denounce what he described as “demonic” materials.” What do you think? |
Winter Olympians To Watch #~# A citizen of both China and the United States, Gu is using her platform to promote peace and understanding so the two global powers can band together and crush the rest of the world. |
Teacher Fired For Breaking State’s Critical Race Theory Laws After Telling Students She’s Black #~# COOKEVILLE, TN—In a move to protect students from being indoctrinated against their will with radical left-wing theories, a teacher at the local high school was reportedly fired Monday for breaking Tennessee’s critical race theory laws when she told her students she was Black. “Simply put, we cannot have a teacher in this school system poisoning our children’s minds with her belief that she is a Black woman,” school board president Dale Nevis said of the dismissed educator, adding that she had been warned several times that she was making students in her classes uncomfortable by teaching that there were Black teachers in schools. “Our new laws are clear, because it’s a simple case of student safety. We do not want our teachers doing critical race theory in schools, whether that’s forcing students to hear evil theories like ‘My parents are Black,’ or whatever the other critical race theories are that are only meant to divide us. Look, this divisive rhetoric, like ‘I am a Black person,’ is making our white students feel like they’re inherently inferior. This is a clear-cut case of reverse racism, and our school board won’t stand for it.” Nevis added that it was frankly a crazy Marxist fantasy that you’d ever see a Black person in a teaching position to begin with. |
Chicago Tapes Saran Wrap Over City Borders To Cut Down On Heating Costs #~# CHICAGO—Telling residents the simple solution would save them big time in the long run, city officials announced Monday they would be duct-taping Saran wrap over Chicago’s borders to cut down on heating costs. “This is an easy, inexpensive fix that keeps the heat from leaking out into the suburbs,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot, ripping off a 25-mile-long strip of duct tape with her teeth as an aide blow-dried a sheet of plastic wrap to remove wrinkles and keep it taut over the city’s perimeter. “Most people just crank up the heat without thinking about insulation. But a lot of that warmth is escaping into Indiana, and last time I checked, they weren’t offering to split our gas bill. An old city like this is going to get drafty in the winter. That’s just a fact, especially this close to the lake. But take a few hundred thousand feet of Saran wrap, tape it down, and voilà, our costs are cut nearly in half. Careful! Don’t let it snag on the skyscrapers.” At press time, several stray bullets had reportedly punctured the plastic, causing the city’s temperature to drop significantly despite the heat being set to a comfortable 68 degrees. |
Dentist Thought Teeth In Movie Were Really Accurate #~# PROVIDENCE, RI—Upon exiting the theater after a showing of American Underdog, local dentist Andrew Breitenstein told friends Monday that he thought the teeth in the film were really accurate. “Man, a lot of these Hollywood productions don’t care about attention to detail, but the teeth in that movie were perfect—they just nailed it,” said Breitenstein, who grew visibly excited as he speculated that the sports biopic must have had a dental consultant on set, because he hadn’t noticed a single tooth-based mistake in the entire runtime. “The gap in that one pair of teeth was hyperrealistic. And the slight underbite. You could see his incisors and everything. I could go on. Even small details, like the number of teeth each actor had? Those were right on. It’s so cool to see a big movie like this just swing for the fences in terms of dental accuracy.” Breitenstein went on to suggest that a cuspid that appeared later in the movie seemed like it was actually a little wink to dentists in the audience. |
BREAKING: This Is A Reminder That Your Appointment To Read ‘The Onion’ Is Scheduled For Today #~# CHICAGO—Urging you to reply “yes” within the next half hour to confirm, sources issued a late-breaking reminder Monday that your appointment to read The Onion is scheduled for today. “This is a courtesy message reminding you that your appointment with TheOnion.com is today at 2 p.m.,” read the statement, which also reminded you that you were no longer within the 30-day grace period that would allow you to cancel without triggering a $50 rebooking fee, as per the terms and conditions you had reportedly signed. “We will hold your appointment for up to 10 minutes after the scheduled time; otherwise, the slot will be given to another reader interested in perusing TheOnion.com. In advance of this appointment, we advise you to prepare by signing up to receive The Onion’s daily newsletter in your inbox. Please have your ID in hand before clicking the link. Thank you.” At press time, sources reminded you that The Onion does not accept website insurance at this time. |
Couple Finally Reaches Breaking Point In Relationship Where They Open, Honest With Each Other #~# FORT WORTH, TX—Acknowledging that situations change over time, local couple Maryanne Lavin and Kevin Tuxford confirmed Monday they had finally reached a breaking point in their relationship where they were open and honest with each other. “Things had just been building up for so long that we finally got to an impasse where all we could do was be emotionally vulnerable with one another,” said Lavin, adding that she knew at some point she and Tuxford were going to have to express their thoughts and feelings. “One night, I just snapped and said, ‘I can’t do this anymore. Let’s sit down and talk it out.’ Now we’re just bringing up issues we have and discussing them with kindness and patience every night, and I’m afraid things will never get back to normal.” Lavin added that she’s now worried the pair could spiral into a pattern of asking each other how their day went and what their hopes and dreams are for the future. |
Biden Administration Considering Pivot To Good Presidency #~# WASHINGTON—Signaling a potential change in strategy after a tumultuous first year, Biden administration officials confirmed Monday they were considering a pivot to a good presidency. “While we’re confident that the nation needed flailing, directionless leadership, we are starting to realize that what Americans want is a president who is good at his job and not bad at his job,” said press secretary Jen Psaki, who also relayed concern from Democratic insiders that it was an extremely risky move to try and be successful and popular instead of being despised, inept failures. “We’ve been focused on underperforming expectations and backtracking on key campaign promises, but now we’re thinking of changing course and concentrating on becoming effective for a while. There are some concerns from advisors that a transition to high approval ratings and strong support from the American people goes against the normal Democratic brand, but we think it might be worth a chance.” At press time, sources reported the administration had decided to back down from pivoting to a good presidency due to growing anxiety about the spending that would entail. |
Study Finds Gas Stoves Leak Methane Even When Turned Off #~# A new study has found that gas stoves are contributing more to global warming than previously thought because of constant tiny methane leaks while they’re off, annually putting out an amount of greenhouse gases equivalent to 500,000 gas-powered cars. What do you think? |
Rudy Giuliani Reveal On ‘The Masked Singer’ Prompts Judges To Walk Out #~# Ken Jeong and Robin Thicke, judges on The Masked Singer reality television show, reportedly walked off set in protest after the contestant who was singing and dancing underneath a disguise was revealed to be Rudy Giuliani. What do you think? |
Timeline Of Queen Elizabeth’s Reign #~# Queen Elizabeth II celebrates her platinum jubilee on Feb. 6, 2022, marking 70 years of rule for the longest-serving monarch in British history. The Onion looks back at the highlights of her reign. |
Janet Yellen Surveys Warehouse Of Topless Women Sorting Out U.S. Treasury Cash #~# CLINTON, MD—Puffing on a cigar as she strode up and down the lines of tables piled high with stacks of $100 bills, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly surveyed a warehouse Friday full of topless women sorting the department’s cash. “You’re all good girls, right? Momma takes care of you,” said Yellen, glancing over the shoulder and running her hands down the back of a nearly nude woman who was counting out and bundling hundreds of thousands of dollars of loose cash. “Quite the haul, girls. It’s been a good year. Keep it up, keep your hands to yourself, and you’ll all be getting a nice little taste later. We don’t want to be greedy, now. We all know what happened to Gina, right?” At press time, sources confirmed Yellen was cleaning a gun as a frightened 19-year-old was being brought into her office overlooking the warehouse. |
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