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`` you 're allowed to feel however you want about her , '' he responds with a kind smile , and i turn back around . `` at first i thought you were fragile , '' he says after a moment . `` like if i dropped you , you 'd break . i think that 's why ... that 's why i wanted to test you a little . '' `` you mean when you felt me up at dinner with our parents sitting across from us ? '' he laughs . `` i ca n't believe i did that , and i do n't think i 've ever apologized . '' `` no , you did n't , jerk . '' `` i am sorry . '' `` so , you do n't think i 'm fragile now ? '' i think you 're one of the toughest people i 've ever met . look ! '' he says suddenly . i glance back toward him and follow where 's he 's pointing . `` a great blue heron , '' he explains as i spot the huge bird with its wings spread , perched on a rock in the middle of the river . `` that 's how they dry their feathers after they dive for fish . '' he stops rowing for a while as we watch it . suddenly it pulls its wings in , gathers itself like a coil , and launches into the air .
we watch it fly into the distant treetops before we begin paddling up the river again . `` why are you interested in history ? '' i ask him . `` i like understanding why people behave the way they do , '' he explains quietly . i resist the urge to ask how this relates to his own history , trying to respect the boundaries he 's put up . `` how 's greg ? '' he asks suddenly . i turn around and narrow my eyes at him . that 's a friendly question , '' he says with a devilish grin . `` i ... i do n't want to talk about it , '' i reply , a little more huffily than i intend to . `` ok ... so that either means really good or really bad . '' `` it 's not really bad , '' i protest . `` uh-oh . '' `` it 's just , there 's no ... you know ... '' `` spark ? '' `` exactly . i have to tell him soon-i do n't want him to get hurt . not that i think i 'm breaking his heart or anything- '' `` i saw the way he looks at you . '' `` meaning ? '' `` he 's falling fast . i 'd tell him before he falls any further . '' `` i think you 're exaggerating . '' `` trust me . ''
we fall back into a comfortable silence as i think about his words . the stillness of the river , broken only by a soft wind blowing through the trees , helps to ease my anxiety over the conversation i need to have with greg . the concept of `` problems '' seems to fade out here , though perhaps it 's the unrelenting heat , which feels like it 's beginning to melt my body into the seat of the kayak . i grab the sweating bottle of water from between my feet and take a long swig . `` water ? '' i ask nate , turning to offer it to him . he takes it , brushing my fingers with his as he wraps his long fingers around it . my insides clench ... speaking of a spark . i spot a house very much like ours up on a hillside in the distance . `` where 'd you live before the house now ? '' `` townhouse in georgetown . '' he says . `` it was less of a behemoth . had more character . '' `` the mansion is n't your taste ? '' `` it was always big for two people , and it still seems big , even for four . but what i really do n't like is that it 's got all these fake historical touches about it , and none of them are genuine . ''
`` anathema to a history major . '' i always pictured myself in a smaller house , maybe a converted barn or something ... one that was actually built in the time period it looks like it was built in . maybe somewhere quieter than dc ... it 's pretty elitist here ... i want my kids to grow up more modestly than i did . '' `` you want kids ? '' i ask , surprised . `` you do n't ? '' `` no , i do ... i 'm just surprised . you know that having kids might necessitate being in a relationship with a woman for longer than you 're used to . '' `` i honestly had n't thought of that . i always just pictured myself with kids . is that horrible ? '' `` yes ! '' i reply , quickly reaching down and flinging water back at him . he cries , and grabs the sides of the kayak , beginning to rock it back and forth . `` i 'll tip this thing over , '' he warns me with a grin . i protest , grabbing on . he relents , and keeps rowing after a moment . `` i think your mom picked the hottest day of the year , '' he observes . `` want to head back ? '' i ask , hoping he 'll say no . `` guess we should . ''
i nod , feeling disappointed , and dip my oar in the water to help him turn the kayak . now that we 're going with the current , it takes us much less time to make the return trip back to the boat house . i ask . `` it 's better , actually , '' he says happily , `` thanks for asking . '' i feel a tightening in my throat as we pull into the shallower water . nate steps onto the dock first , then offers me his hand to help me get out of the unsteady boat . `` much shadier under the trees , '' he observes , nodding to a hiking trail that cuts through the trees behind the boat house . i look at him questioningly . `` short hike before we go back ? '' i nod and smile , trying not to look too pleased . chapter nineteen `` you 've got good stamina for someone who does n't do sports , '' nate observes as our `` short hike '' goes into its second hour . `` i 've been swimming in the pool pretty frequently , maybe that 's it , '' i reply , though really i think it 's that the conversation has n't stopped . we 're high over the potomac now , on a dirt trail that winds around large boulders .
he was right-it is cooler under the trees , but it 's still just as humid . `` is that it ? '' i ask , pointing to a three-leaved plant at the base of a tree . after telling nate that i manage to get poison ivy every other year , he 's made it his mission to teach me how to identify the rash-causing the plant . `` not red enough . by this time of the summer , it 'll be more red and oily-looking . and the edges of the leaves are too jagged , '' he says as he bends over to look at it . a pair of female hikers approach us on the trail , headed the opposite direction . i watch them drink in nate 's shirtless , sweaty appearance and giggle to each other . as they pass , they smile flirtatiously at him , but he just politely smiles back before turning to me . `` you 're good at so many things , but identifying plant species ... '' he intones in a mock-serious voice as he shakes his head . `` hey , if that 's my weakness , i 'll take it , '' i reply with a grin . `` yep , poison ivy , that 's your kryptonite , '' he teases me . `` what 's yours ? intimacy ? ''
`` intimacy ? how dare you ! it 's commitment . very different . '' `` oh , duh , of course . my apologies , '' i reply , glad we can joke about this kind of thing . `` wait , there ! '' i say , pointing to an ivy crawling up a tree trunk on the river side of the trail . `` where ? i do n't see it , '' nate replies , craning his neck . `` there ! '' i repeat , walking off the trail and into the underbrush . `` brynn , be careful ! and i do n't think that 's poison ivy , anyway . '' `` no , really ! see , it 's red- '' i break off as i feel the ground beneath me give way . what i thought was solid earth was just an overhang of vegetation . my stomach flies into my throat as i begin to fall , the horizon instantly becoming a blur . i gasp and turn , frantically grabbing onto the dirt and branches nearby . nate yells , and dives into the brush after me . i feel him grab my hand as i struggle to find a foothold on the steep hill beneath me . my feet frantically search for support and i begin to panic .
`` it 's ok , it 's ok , i 've got you , '' nate says . the steadiness in his voice causes me to look up at him . he 's looking back down at me , his eyes sure and calm . i take a deep breath and reach my other hand up . he grabs it and begins to pull me up . `` under your right foot , there 's a rock , '' he says , peering over the edge . `` do n't look down , just feel for it . just an inch to your left . keep looking at me . '' the expression in his eyes arrests me , and i still for a moment , then slowly begin to move my foot to the left . there . i feel my sneaker knock against it , and move my foot up and onto it . `` ok , now just push off and i 'll pull you up . one , two , three ! '' i shove my foot down and he kneels and pulls me up and back onto him . i land squarely on top of him , shaking with fear and adrenaline . i feel his arms reach around me and squeeze , almost pressing the last of the air out of me . `` fuck , brynn , '' he whispers in my ear . `` are you ok ? '' i reply , realizing he 's landed on his back .
`` am i ok ? are you ? '' he says , sounding shocked . `` um , i think so , though it 's hard to tell right now . '' `` oh , sorry . here , stand up , '' he says , and i lean to the side of him . he jumps up then offers me both hands . i take them and stand , wincing as i put weight on my right foot . `` my ankle , i think . '' `` let 's get back on the trail where i can look at it . '' he takes my arm and wraps it around his shoulder . i feel his arm around my waist and i 'm practically lifted off my feet as he walks me back onto the trail . he guides me down to a seated position and i lean back on my hands as he gently picks up my right foot . `` it 's a little swollen , '' he observes , `` but i do n't think it 's broken-probably a bad sprain . think you 're ok to walk back if i help you ? '' `` yeah , i 'll be fine , '' i assure him . he helps me stand up and puts my arm around his shoulders .
i take a deep breath as we take our awkward first steps back toward the boathouse , and i realize i 'm in for a full hour of being pressed up against him . `` you 're really sweaty , you know that ? '' i say with a smile . `` hey , you better be careful or i might lose my grip , '' he replies . `` how high up was i ? '' `` probably best not to think about it . '' `` that 's pretty high . '' `` well , i 'm glad you 're alright ... mostly . '' i do n't know if it 's the scare from almost falling , or if we 're both just tired , but the slow walk back takes place in almost silence . i wish i could think of something to say to break the tension , but having his shirtless body pressed up against me is too much . i can feel our sweat mingling together and our breath syncing along with the rhythm of our footsteps . as we finally sight the parking lot , he stops and moves in front of me , then bends over , looking back at me expectantly . i laugh and lift my bad leg up onto him , and then jump up as he hoists me the rest of the way . he walks with me on his back until we reach the car , then deposits me right next to the passenger side door .
as he jogs around to the driver 's side , i turn to look around the parking lot . there are still only a few cars here , and in the corner is a blue sedan with a woman wearing sunglasses behind the wheel . i stare at her for a moment , because with her blonde hair , i thought for a moment that she was my mom . as we make eye contact she quickly looks away , and i hear the car start after a moment . maybe she was just staring at nate like the other women we encountered today . or maybe she 's a reporter ... pierce warned the family that there could still be a few hanging around . `` are you ok to get in by yourself ? '' nate asks , rolling down the window . `` oh , yeah , sorry , '' i reply , snapping back to attention . i open the door and use my left leg to hop into the elevated seat . `` everything alright ? '' `` yeah , it 's fine . '' when we arrive back at the house , nate basket-carries me straight from the car into the kitchen , gently setting me down on a chair in the breakfast nook . he kneels in front of me and unlaces my shoe , then slips it off and peels my sock off . `` can you wiggle your toes ? '' i move them back and forth .
`` and now really slowly move your whole foot around . '' i wince as i circle it and pain shoots up through my leg . `` i broke my ankle playing lacrosse my junior year , and i do n't think that 's what this is . let 's ice and wrap it and see how it is tomorrow , or monday . if it 's still bad , i 'll take you to the doctor . '' `` you know how to wrap it ? '' `` hey , when it 's not my own hand , i 'm pretty good at it . '' i watch him take down that same first aid kit from the cabinet and set it down on the floor as he kneels in front of me again . he carefully wraps athletic tape around my ankle and then around the middle of my foot , hooking it around and around until my ankle is firmly stabilized . `` ok , let 's get you into the den so we can ice it . '' i begin to stand but he bends over and scoops me up again , carrying me through the hallways to the cozy den . he sets me down on the couch and then disappears . i grab a pillow and set it behind my back as i stretch my legs out , marveling at the sudden appearance of nate 's caretaker instincts .
he reappears with a ziploc bag of crushed ice and a glass of water , setting the latter down on the table next to me before lowering the ice down onto my ankle . i shiver as he places it down , and he pulls the throw down from the back of the couch . he grabs one end and unfolds it , then sits on the edge of the couch next to me to lay it over me , tucking the corners in around my body . i become very aware of my own breathing as he moves over me . i watch his hands as they take the edge of the blanket and tuck it around my shoulders . his right hand moves slowly from the blanket onto the exposed skin of my neck . i hold my breath as he lightly runs his fingertips up onto my jaw , then over to my chin . with his thumb and forefinger , he gently tilts my head up until i look at him . he 's staring at my mouth , and only pauses for a moment before he bends down . `` please do n't , '' i whisper as he 's just inches away from kissing me . `` if you do n't want anything more , it 's just cruel . '' `` what if i do want something more ? '' he says , his dark blue eyes flicking up to mine . `` more ... '' i repeat , rolling the word around my tongue . `` what kind of more ? ''
`` i 've never felt about someone the way i feel about you . i 've tried fighting that feeling , i 've tried reasoning with it , but it just keeps getting stronger . i have to give in-i need to . i ca n't tell you i know exactly what this will look like ... i 've never done anything like it . but i promise you that when i 'm with you , i 'll be with only you . and i want you to be with only me . '' i stare up at him . that 's still a lot of unknowns , but i sense that he 's giving me everything he can right now . plus my heart is about to beat out of my chest , and my resistance is giving out . `` only you , '' i nod , before reaching around his neck and pulling him toward me . our lips meet in an open kiss , our tongues finding each other 's and mingling with desperate passion . he presses me back against the cushion , his hands grasping my waist over the blanket and quickly moving up and over my breasts . i arch my back into him , wanting to feel him against me ... feel him everywhere . `` you guys home ? '' nate jumps away as we hear my mom 's voice from the foyer .
he takes a deep breath and then runs his hand through his hair before responding . `` we 're in the den ! '' he calls back , then turns to me . `` tonight , '' he murmurs , his eyes burning with promise . chapter twenty `` are you ok , brynn ? '' my mom asks me , frowning . `` yeah , i 'm fine , '' i reply lightly as i use my napkin to try to clean the tomato sauce off my shirt where i 've just spilled it . nate 's promise of an evening rendezvous has left me clumsy and distracted throughout dinner . i had just finished cleaning up the glass of water i knocked off the table when i dropped a piece of chicken off my fork and onto my shirt . `` sorry i could n't make it today , guys , '' pierce says . `` looks like you could have used some more supervision . nate should n't have taken you on any dangerous trails . '' `` oh , it was n't dangerous , '' i rush to nate 's defense . `` he was trying to teach me how to spot poison ivy , actually , and i walked right off the trail . i did n't realize how close i was to the edge and the ground just gave way under me . it was all my fault .
he was the one who pulled me back up and taped my ankle . '' `` well , it could n't hurt to get it looked at by a doctor on monday , '' my mom points out . `` i think it 'll be fine , really , '' i insist . `` anyone want dessert ? '' `` no , thanks , '' nate and i both respond at the same time . i bite my lip to keep from laughing . `` what 's so amusing ? '' pierce asks , looking at his son , his voice dangerously quiet . `` inside joke , '' i reply quickly . `` i 'll help you clear the table , mom . '' we both stand and grab a couple plates and head into the kitchen . as soon as the swinging door shuts behind me , i hear pierce 's voice . even though his words are muffled , i can tell by his tone that he 's berating nate for something . i look at my mom . she turns on the water and begins rinsing off the plates before putting them into the dishwasher . `` is it ok with you that he talks to nate like that ? '' `` it 's between the two of them , '' my mom replies quietly without looking up at me . i feel anger surge inside me .
`` you keep trying to make us a family , but then you wo n't get involved in their relationship . you ca n't have it both ways . '' before she can reply , i spin back around and into the dining room . pierce breaks off abruptly as i enter the room , and i quickly clear the rest of the dishes before limping upstairs to my room . i take a deep breath as i close my bedroom door behind me . i do n't want to have this night ruined by my anger at my mom and pierce . i head into the bathroom and turn on my shower . i still have n't had a chance to wash off the sweat from our kayaking and hiking trip today , and i want to smell like a rose tonight . my body tingles in anticipation as i peel off my shirt and shorts . i glance down at my wrapped ankle , wondering if it 's ok to get wet . probably fine . i pull off my sports bra and underwear and then study myself in the mirror , running my hands over my breasts and then across my stomach . nate 's already seen me naked , i remind myself , as nerves surge up in my stomach . and i already know he likes me . it will be ok . i step under the hot stream of water and take my time washing my hair .
as the conditioner sets , i shave my legs and my bikini line , going a little bit narrower than i would normally . i know that a lot of girls at college go completely bare , but i ca n't bring myself to go that far . i turn off the water and towel myself off , then part my hair in the middle and let it air dry . i pull a pair of cotton pajama bottoms and a camisole from my bureau and put them on . i 'm not sure if that 's sexy or not , but i 'm trying not to overthink it . i 'm certainly not succeeding , but i am trying . i head over to my computer and sit down . i know that nate will probably wait for our parents to go to bed before he does anything , so i 've got a couple of hours to go at least . i begin to click around the internet , but i 'm not able to absorb myself in anything . i keep wondering what 's going to happen tonight . i do n't want to get my hopes up , but i think i have an idea . or at least , i know what i want to happen . i finally decide to play some mindless tv on hulu , and settle back in my chair . `` goodnight , brynn ! ''
i finally hear my mom call as she heads up to the third floor . i freeze . `` goodnight ! '' i call back , and immediately begin pulling at the ends of my hair . i keep watching tv until i hear pierce heading upstairs , too , then quickly close my computer and hurry into the bathroom , wincing as i put too much weight on my right ankle . i run my fingers through my hair and decide i should brush my teeth . just as i 'm putting my toothbrush back down , i hear a soft knock at my door . my heart jumps in my chest . i walk back into my bedroom just in time to see the door open and nate stick his head in . `` hi , '' i murmur . `` hi , '' he replies , taking a couple more steps in and closing the door behind him . i smile at him nervously . i suddenly have no idea what to say-the usual ease of conversation between us is replaced with jittery nerves and excitement . his appearance right now is n't helping matters . he 's barefoot , and wearing jeans and a v-neck white t-shirt . he looks impossibly , effortlessly sexy . `` i ca n't remember the last time i was nervous with a woman , '' he finally says . `` oh , well ... good .
i 'm nervous , too , i mean . '' he smiles and begins to walk slowly toward me . `` i want to do everything with you , brynn . the idea of being the first one to show you ... everything ... '' he takes a deep breath . `` but i 'm going to go slowly . you have to tell me if i 'm ever moving too quickly , alright ? it 's going to be hard for me not to get caught up in the moment . '' i nod and realize that i 've been holding my breath while he 's been talking . he stops just in front of me and wraps his arms around my waist , then leans his head forward until his forehead rests against mine . `` come to bed , '' he whispers . a thrill of pleasure runs through me . `` you do n't know how long i 've wanted to hear you say that . '' he grins widely and presses his lips against mine . in contrast to our recent urgent caresses , this one is slow and gentle . perhaps because we know we 're finally on the same page , and we have all night to spend with each other . his tongue delicately flicks against mine , and i feel his hands move under my ass and pick me up .
he spins and walks to the bed , setting me down in a seated position on the edge . `` is there anything ... in particular you want tonight ? '' `` i just want you , '' i reply with a shrug . `` well , that i can do . '' he grabs the bottom of his t-shirt and pulls it off over his head . i bite my lip . the tightness and size of his muscles always takes me aback . i lean forward and nuzzle my nose into the hair just under his belly button , then softly kiss him . i hear a low grunt from the back of his throat and lean back to look at him questioningly . he 's looking down at me like he 's about to devour me in one bite , but he takes a deep breath and kneels down in front of me , spreading my knees apart so he can push right up against me . he pulls me toward him and opens my lips with his . as our tongues meet , i feel his fingertips gliding softly over the top of my camisole , barely touching my right breast . i press forward into his hand , but he pulls back . i quickly learn my lesson and stay still as his fingers return , teasingly running just under the fabric .
finally i feel him reach up with both hands and pull the cotton down and hook it under my breasts so it stays put . he dips his head and pulls my breasts together , taking one nipple into his mouth and sucking on it , then quickly moving over to the other . i moan and tilt my head back as my hands grip the comforter beside me . he backs off and takes the bottom hem of my shirt , pulling it off over my head . `` you have the most gorgeous breasts , '' he breathes , palming them as though he 's sculpting clay . i 've always been self-conscious of them . '' he looks at me in shock . `` they 're perfect . '' he leans forward to kiss me softly , then begins to unbutton his jeans . `` wait , um , can i ? '' i stop him . he smiles at me and stands . i slowly reach forward and finish unbuttoning them , then move the zipper down . i can feel his eyes on me , but i keep my gaze on what i know is waiting for me underneath his denim . the arch of his cock is pressing against his boxer-briefs as i push his jeans past his knees . i pause and then take the sides of his waistband and pull them out and around . his thick mushroom tip springs out as soon i pull the boxers down .
he 's so big that i ca n't begin to imagine how he 's going to fit inside me . my worry must read on my face , because he says , `` we 'll take it slow . '' i nod and push the boxers down to his jeans , holding them as he steps out of them . i gulp as i 'm face-to-face again with his manhood . `` have you ever ... ? '' he asks leadingly , nodding down at himself . `` never , '' i reply . `` give me your hands . '' i obey , reaching up to place mine in his large outstretched palms . he places one on his thigh , and brings the other to his shaft . he wraps it around the base , and then moves it up to his tip , then back down . `` just like that . nice and easy at first . '' he removes his hand and i keep going , feeling the soft , veiny skin of his cock ripple slightly at my touch . he takes my other hand and places it on his balls , massaging them with me . his hands then drop by his sides , and i look up to see his eyes closing and his lips parting . instinctively , i lean forward and , tucking my lips over my teeth , i take him inside my mouth . i hear him gasp and i smile inwardly .
he does n't know that i 've read my fair share of dirty books , even if i 've never actually put anything into practice . i keep moving my mouth down his length , seeing how far in i can take him . i stop when he hits the back wall of my mouth , though i 'm still not at his base , and then begin to slide back out . `` oh , fuck , brynn . you sure you 've never done this before ? '' he asks me , eyes wide as i swirl my tongue around his tip and then pull him back inside my mouth . i move my hand back to his balls and massage him again as i move up and down his dick . i hear him moan and feel his hand move to the back of my head , his fingers grasping my hair . `` enough , '' he grunts , pulling his hips back . `` stand up . '' normally when nate takes that tone with me or orders me around , it really gets under my skin . but right now , it 's turning me the hell on . i jump to my feet . he abruptly takes the elastic waist of my pants and yanks them to the ground . we stand facing each other naked , the air between us charged . without taking his eyes off mine , he reaches forward and between my legs .
i cry out softly as he slips one finger over my wet clit , and then inside me . i almost fall forward at the strength of my reaction to his touch , and have to grab onto his shoulders to support myself . he pulls me into him so that i 'm curled against his chest , my head resting just under his chin . his finger moves in and out of me , and his thumb flicks over my clit . i reach down and begin to run my hand up and down his cock like he showed me , though i 'm so turned on that i 'm hardly aware of what i 'm doing . `` you 're almost ready , '' he whispers . he pulls his hand out of me and picks me up under the armpits and tosses me onto the bed . in a second he 's pushing my legs apart and kneeling between them . his head ducks down and i buck wildly as his tongue takes a long lick of my clit . i feel him slip two fingers inside me , and can feel him pressing them all around , stretching me out . his tongue circles and flicks against me the whole time , until i begin to unravel . `` oh , nate , oh , yes ! '' i cry out , but he stops . i gasp at the sudden lack of contact and pick up my head to look at him .
he 's no longer between my legs , but standing to get something out of his jeans . he smiles at me as he shows me the condoms he 's taking out of his pocket . he rips one off and pulls it open with his teeth , then tosses the rest on the bed next to me as he walks back . i watch as he holds it to his tip and then unrolls it down his shaft . then he kneels back on the bed , his legs between mine , and lies down on top of me with his weight on his elbows . `` this first time will probably hurt a little , but it 'll feel good soon , '' he promises , brushing a strand of hair behind my ear . i nod nervously . he kisses me , his tongue softly caressing mine , as i feel his dick against my opening . i ca n't believe it 's finally happening . he reaches down , pulling my leg up and holding it against his hip as he takes his cock in his other hand , positioning it at just the right angle . i gasp as he enters me and sharp pain reverberates through my entire lower half . i feel his hips stop their forward motion . he moves his mouth over to my ear , softly sucking on my earlobe and darting his tongue in and out as he moves forward again .
the pleasurable sensation at my ear helps to distract me from the massive pressure i feel pressing into me . i close my eyes and wrap my arms around his back , willing myself to relax . i know i 'm in good hands . just when i think the pain will be more than i can handle , he stops , and i can feel the skin around his hips pressing against mine . he 's all the way in . he circles around slowly , and i feel my first twinge of pleasure at the sensation . he pulls his head back and looks at me . `` ok ? '' i nod , feeling breathless . without taking his eyes off me , he begins to pull back out , all the way to his tip , before sliding in again . he pulls out a second time , and as he returns , my lips part in surprise at my body 's response . i think he can sense that i 'm starting to warm to the sensation , because he begins to move a little faster . `` oh , nate , that feels ... it feels ... '' i trail off . there are no words . i simply wrap my legs around his back and dig my hands into his hair as he moves against me , as exquisite waves flow through my body . his lips find mine again , kissing me with a passion that matches the faster pace he 's setting .
i feel an orgasm begin to build inside me . i 've had orgasms before , including an amazing one with nate , but this one feels different . it 's so powerful that it scares me . i bear down against it , holding my breath to keep it at bay . but everything nate is doing is working against me . i feel his hands move to my breasts , and my back arches against the heat of his palms . he kisses my neck as i bend to him , and his cock finds new and untouched nerve endings to drive me to the edge . `` oh , nate , it 's too much ... '' i breathe , opening my eyes . `` i do n't know if i can . '' he slows down for a moment . `` brynn , you 're safe with me , '' he murmurs , his dark eyes finding mine , tenderness and passion mixed in them . `` you just have to let go . let go with me . '' he begins to speed up , but his eyes do n't leave mine . i follow his advice , trying to let the orgasm take me rather than trying to control it . `` yes , yes , brynn , '' he grunts as my eyes roll back in my head .
he slams his hips into me now , driving his cock inside me . i hear myself begin to moan as though i 'm outside of my own body . his torso lifts off of me and he thrusts in a little deeper . the slightly new angle is enough to push me right over the edge . i completely lose control , my body arching with spasms of its own accord . i can vaguely feel him bucking on top of me , his sweat dripping down onto my skin . he collapses on top of me and i tuck my face into his neck . his body weight feels exactly right on top of me . i feel like i could stay like this forever . chapter twenty-one i wake up to soft kisses on my cheek . my eyes flutter open in surprise . `` mmm ? '' i murmur incoherently . `` you passed out , '' i hear nate whisper back . i realize he 's still on top of me-and inside me . `` oh , sorry , '' i smile , blushing a bit . `` i hope i did n't make too much noise . '' he grins . `` well , i think if they 'd heard anything , we would have known about it by now . '' `` how long was i asleep for ? '' `` just twenty minutes or so .
i was worried i was going to crush you . '' he kisses my lips and then reaches down . i watch him hold the base of the condom as he pulls out of me . the sensation of him leaving my body is jarring , and i lay still for another minute , absorbing it , as he walks to the bathroom . he comes back with a couple of wet tissues and i sit up to take them from him . `` it 's ok , '' he says . `` lie back . '' i obey , and feel him carefully wiping up the inside of my thigh , and then begin to giggle . he stops and looks at me with a confused frown . `` i 'm sorry , i just-i never thought i 'd be in this position with nate thornhill ! '' i explain . he shakes his head with a bemused grin as i continue to giggle . `` you bled a little , but it did n't get on the comforter . that would have been tough to explain , '' he says as he returns to the bathroom . `` i could have just said i had my period , '' i point out as i pull my comforter back and crawl underneath the sheets .
`` oh , i guess that 's true , '' he says , coming back and sliding into bed next to me . `` i ca n't believe i 'm not a virgin anymore , '' i grin as he wraps his arms around me and pulls me close . `` i was beginning to think it would never happen . '' `` so ... you liked it ? '' he asks , running his fingers up and down my arm . i 'm shocked to feel my body respond hungrily , as though i have n't just had a mind-blowing orgasm twenty minutes ago . `` are you kidding me ? '' i ask , raising my eyebrows at him . `` what about me ? was i ... '' `` you were excellent , '' he assures me . `` it was different , though . '' `` different , how ? '' `` i usually do n't really know the girls i sleep with . or have feelings for them . even the ones i get to know , because we 're hooking up regularly , i 'll end it when they get too clingy . '' a fissure of concern rises in my chest . `` so ... do n't get clingy ? '' `` that was n't a warning , '' he says , turning to me with a smile . `` besides , i do n't think of you as clingy . stubborn , maybe . ''
`` gee , thanks , '' i reply , rolling my eyes . `` so , why did it never happen ? losing your virginity ? '' he asks , turning to me and resting his head on his elbow . `` well , i guess it 's not that surprising . i 've never really dated . my first kiss was with this guy david in my junior year of high school . it was really fast . and gross . his tongue just sort of darted in and out of my mouth . and then senior year , and freshman year of college , a few guys took me out , but it never really went anywhere . i mean , they were fine , but i really wanted to dedicate myself to studying , and getting a scholarship and all that . '' `` did your mom put a lot of pressure on you to do well in school ? '' `` the opposite , actually . she was always begging me to get my head out of a book and put on some lip gloss . which of course just made me want to stick my head even further into a book . i just never wanted to end up like her . '' nate raises his eyebrows at me , and i sigh . `` i mean , dependent on men . she never really learned how to do anything because she 's so beautiful and charming and men would always do everything for her .
but when i came along , they stopped coming around so much , and she had to take care of me all by herself . and even when they did , they 'd eventually leave , and she 'd be devastated . curled up in bed for days , depressed , unable to care for herself ... '' `` so then you started taking care of her , '' he finishes . we settle back into the pillows for a minute . `` your mom should have known that not all books are created equal , though , '' nate begins thoughtfully . `` some are far more interesting than others . '' i ask , with absolutely no idea what he 's talking about . with a devilish grin , he reaches over me and opens my bedside table . i shriek and grab his arm as i see his fingers graze over my copy of lady chatterley 's lover . but to my far more infinite horror , his hand keeps searching back and returns to the bed with my hot pink vibrator . `` oh my god , put that back ! '' he ignores me , and studies it thoughtfully as my cheeks burn . `` someday i 'd like to watch you use this on yourself , '' he comments . my mouth drops open and he glances up at me , his eyes boring into me . `` what do you think about that ? ''
`` i ... i do n't know , '' i whisper . `` not tonight , '' he assures me , replacing the vibrator in the drawer and turning back to me . `` tonight , i 'll do all the work . '' i gasp as i feel his fingers slip between my legs and rub against my clit . `` you have no idea how much it turns me on to be your first for all of this . '' `` mmhm , '' i reply distractedly as my eyelids flutter . no way can i concentrate on speaking with his hand down there . `` brynn , keep looking at me . '' i whine . `` because i like to tease you , '' he replies simply . i bite my lip and turn my head back to him . his fingers rub my aching nub over and over again . `` i like it when you order me around , '' i whisper , feeling shocked to hear myself say such a thing out loud . his eyes widen . `` only in bed , '' i explain . i watch his pupils dilate and his jaw muscles contract , as though he 's struggling against some powerful reaction . he sucks in a breath of air and then blows it out of his mouth slowly . `` oh , brynn , there are so many things i want to do to you .
but we ca n't just jump from zero to sixty . '' i nod in understanding and then moan as he slips a finger inside me . `` you 're so wet already . you want round two ? '' all i can do is moan in affirmation . `` turn around , '' he orders me , and a thrill of desire rushes through me . i obey , turning over onto my other side so that my back 's to him . he runs his hand over my ass and then back between my legs and inside me . i hear him fumbling with his other hand and then the sound of a condom being ripped open . `` put your arms over your head , '' he tells me . i place them over my ears and onto the pillow , bending my elbows so that they do n't hit the headboard . i feel his hand press down against my forearms , his long fingers easily reaching completely around me , and pinning me to the pillow . his other hand slides out of me and pulls my hips back toward him . i begin to tremble with anticipation , but do n't have to wait very long . i feel his cock at my slit , pushing into me as he holds me in place .
i cry out from pain and pleasure as he reawakens the soreness he created the first time , but unlike that time , the pleasure is also instant and intense . i feel his mouth at my ear . `` you like that ? '' `` yes , oh god , yes , '' i moan . he thrusts into me faster . `` it 's so hard to hold back with you , '' he mutters , almost to himself . `` you do n't have to , '' i reply . i hear him grunt in response and slam into me harder . suddenly i feel myself being picked up and turned over . before i know it , i 'm on my hands and knees without nate and me ever losing contact . i have to bite my lip to keep myself from screaming out in pleasure as he pulls out and drives back in . he 's in so deep now , pressing directly against my g-spot with every thrust . my body begins to shake with another orgasm and this time , i let myself go with it . i feel nate 's hands pulling my hips back to meet his with every thrust as he comes with me . my elbows collapse down with the final shudder of my orgasm , and nate lands on top of me , immediately kissing the back of my neck . `` oh , brynn , i 'm sorry , '' he murmurs , as he pulls my hair out of my face .
why are you sorry ? '' i ask , befuddled . `` you 're crying ... i 'm so sorry . i was too rough , i went too quickly , i- '' he rushes on , sounding horrified . my brain tries to catch up with him . it did n't hurt . i did n't even realize i was crying . everything felt amazing . '' his body relaxes against mine . `` i was so scared for a second there . i thought i hurt you . '' `` no , honestly ... '' i reach up to touch my face , and he 's right-my cheeks are damp . `` that 's so strange . this does n't happen a lot ? '' he pulls himself up so he can look at me with an ironic grin . `` i do try not to make girls cry , brynn . '' `` i 'm sorry , i just meant ... i wondered if this happens to other girls . i suppose i do n't usually ... you know , let go of control like that . maybe the emotional release ... '' `` maybe . just as long as you 're ok. '' `` i 'm more than ok , '' i assure him . `` sore ? ''
`` i 'll get you some water , '' he says , kissing the back of my shoulder before gently pulling out of me . he comes back from the bathroom with a glass for me , and sits up in bed with me as i drink it . `` i wish you could sleep here , '' i murmur , resting my head on his shoulder . i feel spent , relaxed ... and happy . `` me too . '' chapter twenty-two the next morning , i wake up reaching for nate , but he 's gone . i turn over onto my back in frustration . i thought that after we had sex my desire for him might fade a bit , become more manageable , but it 's even stronger now . even though i can feel a little soreness and pain between my legs , i want him to take me again , and again , and again . i glance at the clock and am shocked to see it 's almost noon . well , i guess i did have a big day yesterday , between almost sliding down that cliff and losing my virginity . i slide under the sheets to the side of the bed and sit up on the edge . i roll my ankle and find that there 's barely any pain , though i guess i should leave the tape on for one more day just to be safe .
i stand and pull on a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt and head downstairs to the kitchen and fix myself some breakfast . my mom walks in just as i 'm sitting down at the breakfast table . `` wow , that 's a lot of food , brynn , '' she comments , raising her eyebrows at the amount of eggs and toast on my plate . `` starving , '' i reply , pausing only momentarily then continuing to shovel food into my mouth . `` i can see that . how 's your ankle ? '' `` lot better . '' i clear my throat . i need to stop acting weird or my mom will know something 's up . i put down my fork . `` did you have a nice lunch with pierce yesterday ? where 'd you go ? '' `` the palm , '' she replies . `` it was lovely . pierce is a regular there and always gets the best table . '' `` oh , good . '' i glance up as nate slides opens the door from outside . he winks at me and i quickly bury my head back in my food so that my mom ca n't see the blush spreading across my cheeks . `` just returning from your morning workout , nate ? '' my mom asks as she begins to fix herself some tea . `` you 're both getting such late starts today . ''
`` must 've been that hike , '' nate replies nonchalantly . `` how 's your ankle ? '' `` lot better , '' i repeat , holding it out from under the table and rolling it around to demonstrate . `` better keep the tape on for another day just to be safe . '' `` that 's just what i was thinking . '' `` anybody want some coffee ? i 'm just putting some water on , '' my mom breaks in . `` yes , please , '' we both chorus . `` you know , i 'm so glad you two are getting along . that 'step ' word has such a bad connotation , i suppose because of cinderella ... you know , the wicked stepsisters . but of course , having a bigger family can be such a positive thing , '' she muses , turning up the burner on the stovetop . i watch her for a moment , wondering if she 's trying to bring up something about what i said to her last night , about how she needs to get involved in pierce 's harsh treatment of his son . `` very positive , '' nate replies seriously , not looking at me as i glare at him warningly . it is so not the time for one of his smartass comments .
`` pierce and i are going to the farmer 's market in about an hour . you guys want to come ? '' and miss a chance to be alone with nate ? `` i was thinking i was just going to sit by the pool today , '' i reply . `` give my ankle a little more time to heal . '' `` probably wise , '' my mom agrees . `` what about you , nate ? '' `` i have to , um ... '' he trails off , trying to come up with an excuse . `` you know , i think my friend jackson might swing by later , so i better stay home . '' `` ok , just the parents then , '' my mom with a faux sigh . nate and my mom both leave the kitchen to take their coffee into other rooms , so i can finish off my breakfast in peace . after i clean up my plates , i decide to head into the den and turn on the tv . my body needs to digest that giant breakfast i just devoured . pierce and my mom find me sitting in there on their way out the door , and i wave goodbye . but as soon as the door closes , a ball of excitement forms in my stomach . i 'm alone with nate . i feel like a kid on christmas morning .
i push aside the throw and stand up , heading for the stairs and nate 's bedroom . a flurry of nerves hits me as i walk down the hallway and knock softly on his door . `` one sec ! '' he calls back . `` ok , come in . '' i push the door open to find him standing just outside his bathroom , a white towel wrapped around his waist . he 's dripping wet , having clearly just stepped out of the shower . `` oh , it 's you , '' he says with a smile . i shut the door behind me . `` they just left . '' `` how are you feeling , really ? i want to make sure i did n't go too fast last night . any regrets ? '' i walk toward him . `` i do have one regret . '' he frowns in concern , his beautiful forehead marred by a line in between his eyebrows . `` there was something i wanted to do last night , but i did n't get the chance . '' the tension immediately leaves his face . `` which was ? '' he asks , the edge of his mouth twisting up in a questioning smile . i reach forward and unwrap his towel in response , then kneel in front of him . i watch his cock grow hard in front of my eyes as he gazes down at me .
without another word , i run my hands up the front of his thighs , feeling his leg hair under my palms disappear as it reaches the line of his hips . i lean forward , trailing kisses just under his belly button . he smells amazing-a heady mixture of fresh shower combined with the very personal scent of his package . it 's unlike anything i 've smelled before , and though i have n't been with anyone else , i bet the smell is all his own . i wrap my hands around the back of his thighs as i dip my head and kiss the base of his shaft . his cock jumps slightly in response to my touch , and i hear him groan . i wrap my hand around him , pulling him toward my mouth . i circle my tongue lightly around his tip , licking up a bead of liquid that has just appeared there . i move to the base of his dick , pressing my tongue down hard as i make my way back up the underside of his shaft , then flick my tongue around his tip . then i tuck my lips around my teeth and wrap them around him , stretching my mouth wide to receive him . i move slowly down his length , wanting to make him feel as good as he 's been making me feel . and to tease him a little , too , if i 'm being perfectly honest .
i look up at him as i pull back , and see him biting his lip as he looks down at me . i circle his tip with my tongue for a minute as he watches me . i feel myself growing wet-why going down on him turns me on so much i do n't know , but it does . his fingers wrap around the back of my head , digging into my hair , as he dips his head back . i take him in my mouth again and begin to move faster . i bring one hand up to massage his balls , and wrap the other around his shaft , following my mouth . i still ca n't fit his whole cock in my mouth , so i figure this is kind of a good cheat . my eyes begin to water a bit as i hear him begin to groan . i move even faster , excited to feel him come in my mouth , and to taste him . `` oh , fuck , fuck , i 'm coming , '' he moans , and suddenly my mouth is filled with liquid . i keep moving my head back and forth even as i feel it leak a little out of the corner of my mouth . should i swallow it ? i do n't know what else to do , so i lean back for a moment and feel it run down my throat .
nate 's taking deep breaths above me , his chest heaving , so i lean forward again and kiss his shaft gently as it softens a bit . i guess i expected it to , you know , go down right away , but it stays mostly erect as i stand back up . to my surprise , he wraps his arms around me and kisses me . i thought he might feel some compunction considering where my mouth has been , but his tongue slips readily against mine and i relax against him . his hand slides down my ass and he rubs himself against me . `` how much longer do you think they 'll be gone ? '' he asks breaking away and bringing his other hand up to my cheek . `` no idea . '' `` well , i 'll make this quick , just in case . '' he pushes me away and steps back . `` strip . '' i almost gasp at the pleasure his command sends rushing through me . i pull off my shirt and yoga pants , then unhook my bra and slide my panties to the ground as he watches . my lips part as he wraps his hand around his cock as it hardens completely again . `` i want you to go on birth control soon , ok ? i do n't want to have to wear a condom with you . '' `` does it feel very different ? '' `` oh yeah . and i want to feel myself right up against you . ''
he walks over to his bedside table and pulls a condom out and tosses it on the bed . `` come , '' he says , holding his hand out to me . i walk over , and he turns me around , pulling my back against him . i feel his cock hitting the small of my back as he runs his fingers over my stomach and then up over my breasts , gently pinching my nipples . i groan into his touch . i 've never felt anything close to the way he makes me feel . `` a little faster and harder this time , ok ? '' he asks , and i nod , already beyond speaking . his fingers slide down and over my clit , and i can hear the sounds of my wetness as he presses one finger inside me . `` you 're already so wet ... good girl . '' his other hand snakes up to my face and turns my cheek so that i 'm facing him . he kisses me , hard , his tongue ravaging my mouth as his finger circles inside my opening . his thumb flicks over my clit and i cry out in pleasure and surprise . as if he were just waiting for this response , he turns me around and pushes me down on my back on the bed . he picks up the condom next to me and quickly rips it open and pulls it on .
he grabs my hips and steps forward , pulling my ass down so that it 's just on the edge of the bed . he bends over me , quickly pulling my breast into his mouth and gently nibbling on my nipple . he moves his weight onto his elbows and i feel him pressing inside me . there 's a slight soreness left over from last night , but also instant pleasure . he stretches me open , pushing slowly but surely until he 's all the way in . my hands dig into his back as he thrusts again , a little harder . then he stands up , still inside me , and pulls my legs up so that my calves are resting on his shoulders . he moves his right hand over my crotch , and i moan as he begins to circle my clit with his thumb . i cry out as he begins to pull in and out of me at the same time , and i watch his face as he watches himself move inside my opening . the combination of his fingers on my clit and his cock inside me is quickly driving me crazy . `` aaggh , '' i cry out intelligibly , and nate 's eyes snap up to my face . he removes his hand from my clit and leans forward so that both of his palms are spread on the comforter .
my legs are still on his shoulders , and i can feel a good stretch in my hamstrings in this position . i 'm also completely immobilized as he begins to drive into me in earnest now , his jaw tense and his neck muscles bulging . i close my eyes and lose myself to the sensation of being drilled over and over again . he 's hitting me so deeply , and i 'm absolutely out of control and powerless . maybe it would make me nervous with some other man , but i feel completely safe with nate . as an orgasm begins to rip through me , i feel his hands gripping my shoulders tightly , pulling me down against him as he comes inside me . `` brynn , oh , fuck , brynn ! '' he shouts as he releases himself . my legs fall off his shoulders and splay onto the comforter as he collapses on top of me . i gasp for air , and drowsily wipe the hair out of my face as i feel him stir on top of me . he picks his head up and listens for a moment . `` they 're still not home . '' `` mm , guess not , '' i murmur rather incoherently . `` good , '' he says with a wicked smile , and begins to kiss down the middle of my chest as he slides to his knees on the floor .
`` nate , what are you-oh , god , '' i moan , as he takes a long lick of my slit . `` i ca n't wait until tonight to taste you again . it 's like i 'm addicted to this , to you . '' i close my eyes as he begins to flick his tongue across my clit . i thought i was completely worn out , but i 'm coming back to life shockingly quickly under his deft tongue . his hands pin my knees to the sides of the bed , stretching me wide open so that he has complete access and control . i feel his tongue dart in and out of me-a completely different sensation than when he uses his fingers . my back arches off the bed as he moves back to my clit , circling it relentlessly . i whimper as i feel waves of pleasure begin to reverberate through my body . my body wants to rock and shake , but nate 's hands pin me firmly to the bed , and his tongue keeps flicking across me . my energy has no choice but to be completely directed to the reaction he 's eliciting . for some reason , it 's when nate backs off slightly that my body rocks into a full-out orgasm , my back arching wildly off the bed , just the top of my head and my hips remaining in contact with the comforter .
`` oh my god , '' i breathe as i relax down . i lift my head slightly and watch him lick his lips before lying down next to me on the bed and lazily flopping an arm over my waist . `` we should get dressed , '' he reminds me , kissing me quickly before jumping back up . where 's he getting all this energy ? i feel like i could sleep for days . `` do you think there will ever be a day when we can tell them ? '' i ask with a yawn as i sit up . he pauses for a moment as he pulls open a dresser drawer . `` i do n't know . let 's just keep it our secret for now . '' `` no , no , i was n't saying i- '' i break off as we both hear a car pulling up to the front of the house . i hurry over to the pile of my clothes and ball them up in my arms before running to the door . i call quietly over my shoulder as i dash naked down the hallway . as i shut my door behind me and begin pulling on my clothes , i wonder why nate was so quick to suggest that we keep it quiet . not that i want something different-for now , at least . but someday ... i mean , does he just envision keeping our relationship secret forever ?
what kind of relationship would that be , anyway ? these kind of questions are what allison warned me about in the first place . it 's just ... fuck . what was once a far-off crush has become real for me . too real . and nate has said he has feelings for me , that i 'm different , but he has n't been any more specific than that . on my end , i do n't think this is a purely sexual infatuation . i 'm really falling for him . chapter twenty-three going to work this week and being away from nate during the day has felt like going through physical withdrawal . i really have to force myself to focus , because sometimes i find myself staring off into the distance , remembering what he did to me the previous night . i wish i could just go straight home at six today , but i promised allison i 'd go shopping with her . and there are actually a couple things i 'd like to pick up for myself . i meet her at the anthropologie in georgetown mall , and we start going through the sale racks as we catch up . while she 's not looking , i slip a couple sets of lingerie and sexy bras into my basket .
i want to wear something a little sexy for nate , but i do n't want to face allison 's inevitable questions if she sees what i 've picked out . we eventually make our way to the changing rooms and begin trying on our choices . i quickly slip on the first matching set of bra and panties . i admire myself in the mirror . the lace is a pale violet , and not overtly sexy-it 's anthropologie , not victoria 's secret , after all . allison asks suddenly , pulling the curtain aside and stepping into the dressing room with me . she 's wearing a blue cotton dress and twirls for a second before she realizes what i 'm wearing . her eyebrows raise . `` whoa . '' `` allison , '' i groan , pulling one of the more substantial pieces of clothing off a hanger to cover myself . `` you know , i had a feeling something was different with you , '' she says , beginning to smile . and i was right . i always thought you two would make a good match . '' that 's not what you said . '' `` yeah , i totally called it ! '' `` no , you completely warned me against the whole thing , '' i reply , confused and even slightly annoyed . `` wait , '' she says with a frown , `` who are you talking about ? '' `` who are you talking about ? ''
`` greg , obviously ... '' `` oh , right . '' `` brynn ... '' `` what ? '' i ask innocently . `` if it 's not greg , who did you think i was talking about ? '' she asks , her eyes widening . `` it 's not important , ok ? '' i reply , blushing . `` brynn , no . please tell me it 's not nate . please . i mean , he 's your stepbrother . it 's ... it 's gross . '' `` thanks a lot , allison . not exactly what i needed to hear right now , '' i snap , turning my back to her to pull off the lingerie . `` um , maybe it 's exactly what you need to hear right now . i mean , what 's with you ? you 're ignoring a perfectly nice guy to go out with some jock like nate . '' `` well , first of all , it 's none of your business . second of all , you 're actually completely right about greg . he is 'perfectly nice . ' there 's no spark at all . zero . third of all , nate 's not 'some jock . ' he 's really smart , and kind , and funny . and with him ?
sparks galore ! '' `` god , brynn , i 'm just trying to look out for you . you 're making some really bad decisions . '' i take a deep breath , not wanting to raise my voice in this public place . `` no , allison , you 're not trying to look out for me . what you 're doing is judging me . completely different . and i really do n't appreciate it . '' i finish pulling on my skirt and quickly slip my flats on as i grab my purse and walk quickly out of the dressing room . i walk straight out of the store and toward the elevator to the parking garage , my cheeks burning with anger , though i also feel a bit like crying . i 've never had a big fight like that with allison before , and i do n't like it . i freeze outside another store just as i 'm about to reach the elevators . victoria 's secret . my relationship with nate is n't `` gross . '' there 's nothing wrong with what we 're doing . if anything , my conversation with allison has made me want to lean into my relationship with nate , not out of it . i march in and straight to the raciest pieces i see .
when i get home , i hear my mom and pierce laughing in the kitchen , and the tv from the den . i walk in there and smile in relief at the sight of nate with his feet up on the couch . he moves his legs over and i plop down . `` hi , '' i murmur with a smile . `` hi , '' he replies . i frown at him , and he reaches up to his shoulder , miming pulling at something . i stare at him for a moment before realizing he 's mirroring my own action of pulling at my hair . i sigh and drop my hand . `` it 's allison . we had an argument , '' i explain . `` she ... she found out . '' he cocks his head and then lets out a low whistle as he realizes what i mean . `` well , i suppose it 's not that bad . i mean , i always thought ... '' he lowers his voice , looking back toward the kitchen where our parents are still talking . `` i always thought that at school , we could be more open . no one really knows you 're my stepsister there . i mean , allison would have found out then anyway , right ? '' `` i guess so ... she just ... she called it 'gross . ' we 're not , are we ? ''
`` well , i certainly do n't think there 's anything gross about you . '' `` it 's more than that , though . i feel like we 're drifting apart a little , '' i reveal , swallowing a ball of hurt in my throat . `` mm , '' he replies , considering . `` like me and jackson , sort of . well , maybe you wo n't be quite as close as you were , but there are still things you can enjoy about her . '' `` when 'd you get so wise ? '' i ask , nudging his feet next to me . `` since i started hanging out with you . you 're rubbing off on me . '' before i have time to consider whether he 's being serious or not , we hear my mom call , `` dinner ! '' from the kitchen , and are forced to put our conversation on hold . pierce seems to be in an unusually good mood during the meal , for which i 'm grateful . not for his sake , but for nate 's , because he 's much less likely to snap at his son when he 's feeling jovial . `` well , we have n't made an official announcement , brynn , but thornhill and co. has just landed mark broadman as a client , '' he reveals eventually .
`` the hedge fund billionaire ? '' he has several new holdings , and needs advice on some public policy matters . '' `` wow , that 's huge . congrats , dad , '' nate chimes in . pierce nods at him in a self-satisfied manner . `` i 'm glad it 's all-i 'm glad that 's happened , pierce , '' i correct myself . i almost referenced the scandal earlier this summer , but managed to change course . we never talk about it now , though i know that pierce was concerned that it would negatively impact his business . but landing such a big client is a good sign that people have moved on , and are on pierce 's side . after dinner , nate and i leave the dining room separately , while our parents remain there chatting . we always make a show of going our separate ways , to keep up appearances . i close my bedroom door knowing that he 'll come for me around midnight , as he has every night this past week . my body quivers with excitement just thinking about it . i consider writing an email to allison , but decide i want a little more time to think about what to say .
i turn to my purse and pull out the bag from victoria 's secret that i stuffed to the bottom . i touch the black lace panties , a narrow diamond-shaped piece of fabric that just covers the essentials , with several thin strips , string , really , hooking around my hips and latching on to the back . the bra is conservative by contrast , though pretty with its chantilly lace-covered cups . i take a shower and then head downstairs for a cup of tea . i 'm taking a mug down from the top cupboard when i feel nate come up behind me . he wraps his hands around my waist and presses against me . `` nate , not here ! '' `` i know , i 'm sorry , '' he murmurs in my ear . `` i just want you all the time . '' `` i have a surprise for you tonight , '' i admit . he grinds his erection into my ass in response , his hands reaching under my shirt . `` you 're killing me , '' he moans , then sighs , and rests his head on mine before pulling away . `` see you soon . '' i lean against the counter as i hear him retreat , my skin tingling where he 's touched it . i know that sneaking around wo n't work forever , but for now , there 's something so hot about it .
i take my decaf earl grey up to my room , and change into the lingerie as i drink it , carefully pulling out the tags . i sink into bed with a yawn , pulling the sheet up over me . these late night assignations , while i would n't give them up for anything , are wreaking havoc on my sleep schedule . the next thing i know , i 'm being woken up by someone sinking into bed next to me . i turn into the warmth of nate 's body and slowly open my eyes . `` sorry , should i just let you sleep ? '' he asks , kissing the top of my head . `` no way , '' i reply drowsily . `` you have to have your surprise . '' `` where is it ? '' he asks , looking around . i lift my arm and point down at my body . he grins , and pinches the top of the sheet in his fingers and begins to slowly pull it down . i bite my lip as i hear his sharp intake of breath as he reveals my bra . he pauses , looking up at my face . `` there 's more , '' i promise him . he keeps pulling the sheet down , and finally pulls it over the barely-there panties . he tosses the sheet at my feet and runs his hand from my knee up my inner thigh .
`` what shall i do with you tonight , brynn ? '' he asks , eyeing my lingerie . `` whatever you want , '' i breathe . `` stand up , '' he says abruptly . i stand , and he eyes me up and down , licking his lips , then narrows his eyes . `` you have any high shoes ? '' `` you mean heels ? '' i ask , with a smile . `` put them on . '' i walk over to my closet and slip them on , then walk back . i ask , turning a little so he can see me from other angles . `` nothing could make you look any better than you already do , brynn . it was n't about your appearance , it was about your height . '' i frown at him in confusion . `` come here , '' he says , walking over to the bedpost nearest to the door . i follow him . he takes me by the hips and moves me so that my back is pressed up against it . `` you remember what happened in this exact spot ? the first time i tried to kiss you , you denied me . '' `` i remember how much self-control it took . '' `` good answer . stay there . ''
he walks over to my bureau and rummages around until he pulls out a couple of my old t-shirts and then walks back . `` close your eyes . '' i obey , and feel him wrap one of the shirts around my head , tying it in the back but slightly to the side , so that it does n't hit the bed post . as he steps back , i try to open my eyes to test the blindfold , and find i ca n't see anything . `` you trust me ? '' `` hands behind your back . grip the bedpost . '' i feel my insides clench as i obey , spreading my palms against the solid wood of the bed . a moment later , i feel the other t-shirt wrapping around both my wrists and the posts , holding me securely against it . `` pull against it . '' i try , but do n't get anywhere . i can sense him leaning in toward me , and feel the heat emanating from his body . `` brynn , tonight i 'm going to make you beg for it , understand ? '' i feel his warm breath against my cheek and squirm in anticipation against my bondage . `` i 'm going to deny you until you ca n't take it anymore . until you beg me . say that you understand . '' `` i understand . ''
he 's barely touched me , and i can already feel how wet i am against my new panties . suddenly , i feel his fingertips on my arm , just above where the t-shirt is holding me to the bed . he trails his fingers lightly up my arm , barely touching me . my mouth drops open and i feel my heart rate speed up . his fingers continue across my clavicle , then down my other arm . as they make their way back up , i attempt to arch against him , but i ca n't . he stops for a moment , then continues , his touch leaving a burning trail across my body . his fingers run straight down my chest and over the middle of my bra . just as i think he 's going to skip my breasts entirely , he moves back up and barely grazes the tops of my breasts , just above the cups . i gasp as he makes contact , but he quickly moves away , running his fingers down to my ribcage , then across my stomach . they dip for a moment into my belly button , and i hope he 's going to continue down to my panties , but he skips them entirely , jumping down to the top of my thighs . he traces the length of one of my legs , then moves to the other . as his fingers reach the top of my left leg , he breaks off contact .
i feel sweat collect on my palms , despite the coolness of my bedroom . where is he ? suddenly i feel his breath on my neck . then his tongue is inside my ear , taking a long , languid lick . i moan , and my hands grip the bedpost more tightly . i hear him click his tongue . `` brynn , we 've barely even started . '' i let my head fall back against the bedpost . how long is he going to torture me ? as if in response , his hand slides up my neck to my chin , holding my face in place . his lips press against mine , roughly opening my mouth to his tongue . then he steps into me , his legs spreading mine open , his arms wrapping tightly around my waist . the full contact is sweet relief , even if it does make me want him even more . his right hand glides over my ass and pulls me against his erection . my mouth is wide open to his , and our tongues massage each other 's . his other hand glides up my stomach and slips under my bra cup . i moan as i feel his calloused palm against my nipple . he pulls his mouth away quickly and leans his torso back .
his fingers brush against the front of my bra for a moment , and then i feel his deft fingers unhook the front closure of my new bra . i feel my breasts spring out , and his thumbs brush against my nipples as he cups them in his hands . he begins to massage them more strongly , and suddenly i feel him sucking my right nipple into my mouth . he flicks his tongue across it as he sucks , then moves to my other side . `` i 'm ready , '' i moan . `` uh-uh , not yet , '' he replies , pulling my breast out of his mouth for a moment . then he begins to trail kisses down my stomach , pausing for a moment to circle his tongue in my belly button . i feel him graze his fingers across the narrow strips of fabric on the sides of my panties . `` i like these very much , '' he murmurs . `` maybe we 'll try to keep these on . '' then he 's gone . i hear the sounds of what could be his shirt being pulled over his head , but i ca n't be sure . there 's silence for another minute , and i 'm suspended in this pool of pleasure where he 's left me , completely under his control . i gasp as i feel him blow a stream of warm breath against my panties and feel my body shake involuntarily .
his hands run up my thighs and then under the sides of my underwear , and i know he must be kneeling in front of me . i feel him slowly dip one finger under the right side of my panties , pulling them away from my body and tucking them to the other side . he blows on me again , and now his breath hits my clit directly . `` spread your legs , '' he commands me quietly . i obey , inching myself out on my high heels . his tongue slides into my slit and i cry out . `` oh , nate , '' i moan , and he begins to flick his tongue back and forth across me . i unravel quickly , and he begins to speed up , circling his tongue rapidly . but just as i 'm on the brink , my body arching as much as it can , he slows down again . i whimper . he does n't stop completely , but he 's not going fast enough to bring me release . his right hand slips over my ass , under the fabric of my panties . i gasp as he slips one finger inside me . i 've never had anything back there . he circles it inside me , mirroring his actions with his tongue . once i get over my surprise at the foreign feeling , i find that i like it .
on top of everything that he 's already done to me , and is still doing , it 's driving me right toward the edge again . i moan as he slips two fingers from his other hand inside my opening , making a beckoning motion against my g-spot . i feel a spasm begin to rip through my body , but he pulls his mouth away completely . my knees almost buckle at the empty feeling he 's left behind . `` nate ... '' i protest . he leans back in , flicking his tongue once , hard , over my clit . my body ripples in response . the pleasure has built up inside me to such an extent that being unable to let go of it feels painful . i need him to let me come . he answers innocently , and tortures me with another hard flick of his tongue , his fingers still circling slowly inside me . `` please ... '' the pleasure is overloading my brain , and i can barely think . `` i need you ... please . i need you inside me right now . please , i 'm begging you . i 'm begging you , nate . '' i almost faint with relief as he takes his fingers out of me and i hear the sound of a condom being ripped open . he steps into me and grabs one of my legs , wrapping it around his waist as he thrusts into me . i cry out at the contact .
he drives in hard , slamming me against the bed post , and on just his second thrust , i feel my orgasm finally releasing through me as he presses into me again and again . his mouth covers mine as the last waves of pleasure crest over me . even though i 'm exhausted , i can feel that he 's still hard inside me . i feel him reach behind me , and realize that he 's unknotting the t-shirt around my hands . my arms drop to my sides , and he pulls out of me . i feel him taking my hips and turning me , then he presses one hand roughly down on my back and i realize he 's pressing my top half down onto the mattress . i turn my head to the side so i can breathe as he pulls my panties , still bunched to one side , to my ankles . his hand still holding me down , i feel him enter me from behind . even though i 'm spent from my first orgasm and all the build-up leading to it , i feel my body begin to respond again . i feel him slide his thumb into my ass and gasp . i never realized how many nerves endings were back there . `` brace yourself , '' he warns me , and begins to thrust harder into me . my fingers search for the edge of the bed and i 'm just able to grasp it as he drives in deeper than he ever has before .
he plunges into me again and again , hitting my g-spot directly every time . a second orgasm takes me by surprise , as though it was lying dormant until he awoke it . my body arches and shakes as i feel him pull out of me and a wetness cover my back . as my body quiets , i hear him hurrying to the bathroom and then him rubbing a tissue on my back . `` i 'm sorry , i do n't know why i did that , '' he murmurs . did what ? '' i mumble , reaching up to remove the makeshift blindfold from my eyes . `` i ... i came on you , '' he replies , halting his wiping motions to look me in the eye . `` nate ... it 's ok . it does n't bother me , '' i assure him . he asks , looking relieved . `` i 've never done that before , i just ... i just wanted to see it on you , or something . i 'm worried ... i worry i push you too far . '' `` i like what we do together , '' i reply , stretching my arms above my head . `` as far as i 'm concerned , we 're going to do a lot more , so you better get used to it . '' `` is that so ? '' he asks , with a smile .
now clean me off . if we 're going to do this again tomorrow night , i need to get some sleep . '' chapter twenty-four the next day , thornhill and co. is abuzz with the official announcement of mark broadman becoming a new client . there 's talk that other high-profile investors could follow suit , including some of broadman 's contacts in silicon valley . apparently the tech crowd is quite interested in influencing public policy . i 'm just glad that everyone is in such a good mood , because it helps me fit in . my relationship with nate , not to mention our late night sessions , has me practically glowing . constance talks to me happily in our cubicle , the awkwardness of our first day of working together having finally melted away over the summer months . she swivels in her chair and raises her eyebrows at me as greg walks by , giving me a small wave . `` ok , what happened there ? '' she asks conspiratorially . `` it was nothing , '' i assure her , keeping my eyes on my computer , though i can see out of my periphery that she 's still looking at me . `` oh , come on . i wo n't tell .
but it 's obvious ... i mean , for a couple weeks you guys were hanging out a bunch , and now he completely avoids you . '' `` we went on a couple dates , and then we decided to break it off . but please keep it between us , alright ? '' `` mmhm , '' constance murmurs , swiveling back around . she can sense , rightfully so , that i 'm not telling her the whole story . greg reacted as well as could be hoped when i told him i did n't want to go on any more dates with him . i blamed the office environment , and said i had extra pressure on me to be professional as the boss 's stepdaughter , but i think he saw through that excuse . at least he could never guess the real reason . now whenever i see him he 's polite but standoffish . i watch the corner of my screen , waiting to see if allison will send me a gchat message , but none arrives . i 'll give it a little more time , and then reach out to her . i do n't want to throw our whole friendship away over my relationship with nate-not that we do n't have some things to talk about . it 's not that i need her approval exactly , but i do need her to stop judging . `` lunch , '' constance says , nudging me .
i stand up and see other people making their way to the big conference room . pierce has had lunch catered for the whole office to celebrate the new client . as we walk in , i notice that the temporary wall to the kitchen has been pulled back to make way for everyone . pierce and roderick , his business partner , stand by the buffet , happily talking with their employees . pierce smiles at me as constance and i make our way up to grab some plates . `` roderick , you 've met my stepdaughter brynn , right ? '' `` yes , good to see you again , brynn , '' roderick , a well-dressed man a bit younger than pierce says , then turns away to shake someone 's hand . pierce leans in . `` you look particularly beautiful today , brynn , '' he remarks . `` oh , thank you , pierce , '' i reply , a bit taken aback . constance and i stand around the conference room for a while talking to the other interns , everyone sharing their plans for once they get back to school , and the rising seniors , like me , discussing what we 'll do after we graduate . eventually the crowd begins to thin out , and constance and i each take a cupcake back to our cubicle .
`` what 's that ? vanilla ? '' i peer at the frosting . `` i think so , though i heard there were some coconut- '' i break off as my desk phone rings . i look at it in surprise for a second-no one ever calls me on it-then reach forward to pick it up . `` brynn speaking . '' `` brynn , it 's pierce . could you come into my office for a moment ? '' `` oh , sure , i 'll be right there . '' i hang up and stand . `` pierce , '' i explain to constance . `` probably wants to see if i 'll be home for dinner tonight . '' she nods , and i walk down the hallway to his corner office . `` he asked me to- '' i explain to his secretary , gwen . `` sure , go on in , '' she replies , waving me in . i knock softly as i open the door . he beckons me inside and indicates i should take a seat across from his desk . `` brynn , thanks for coming in , '' he says , standing and walking around his desk as he takes his reading glasses off and places them on his desktop calendar .
i look at him curiously as he sits on the edge of his desk in front of me . `` i know that i 'm just your stepfather , but i hope that you know that you can always come to me with any ... difficulties . '' yes , thanks , '' i stumble , surprised by the direction of the conversation . he stands and begins to pace behind my chair . `` you 're a very beautiful young woman , and i hope that you can see me as a sort of protector . '' i feel him come up and stand behind the chair . i start as he brushes my hair to the side and i feel his fingers graze against my skin just above the fabric of my dress . `` i could n't help but notice this , '' he says . `` this bruise , '' he explains , still holding my hair to the side . `` oh . '' my mind races . i bet i got it last night when nate had me up against that bed post , and of course it 's not in the sort of position where i 'd see it . `` um , it 's nothing . it 's probably old , maybe from when i fell on that hike . '' `` i doubt it .
i mean , how far does it extend ... '' i 'm horrified to feel him unzip the top of my dress , all the way down to my bra strap . he spreads his fingers across my back and a sickening feeling spreads through my body with them . `` brynn , you have such a beautiful body . you should n't be with someone who treats you with less respect than you deserve . '' his fingertips just touch the top of my bra strap . `` pierce ! '' i exclaim , and jump up . `` i really do n't think this is appropriate , '' i admonish him with as much confidence as i can muster , while reaching behind myself to pull my zipper up . `` brynn , i 'm just trying to look out for you . you clearly need a father figure in your life . '' `` i 'm just fine , thank you very much , '' i reply shortly , glaring at him as i manage to zip my dress . i march to the door , taking a deep breath to compose myself as i walk through the door . i walk right past my desk and into the bathroom , quickly locking myself inside a stall . i lower the toilet seat and sit down , pressing my hands onto my burning cheeks . i know pierce 's words were saying one thing , but his actions , his touch , were saying quite another . it just felt wrong .
by the time i sit back down at my desk , i 'm already second-guessing myself . maybe i misread his behavior ; maybe he was just trying to look out for me , but he 's never had a daughter , so he did n't realize he was making me uncomfortable . `` you ok ? '' constance asks over her shoulder . `` i 'm fine , '' i reply , pushing my uneaten cupcake away . i 'm not hungry anymore . i manage to make it through the rest of the work day , though i know that i 'll just have to see pierce at home for dinner . as i drive home , i wonder if i should say i 'm sick or something so i 'll be able to just be by myself in my room . but as i walk in through the garage , my mom calls me into the kitchen . i carefully spread my hair over my neck to hide the bruises , then walk in . `` oh , brynn , honey , i 'm so glad you 're home . come look , '' she gushes , pulling me into the dining room . i see that she 's set it with fine china and crystal , and a massive vase of white lilies sits in the center . `` i thought i 'd do something a little special tonight to celebrate .
what do you think ? '' `` looks great , mom , '' i reply half-heartedly . if she notices my downtrodden mood , she does n't mention it , she just sweeps me back into the kitchen to show me the extravagant meal she 's spent the day preparing . when pierce comes home about half an hour later , he quickly enters his study , calling to us that he has to make a quick call . my mom asks me to carry the roasted duck out on a silver tray , and i acquiesce , knowing i 'd feel too guilty to fake sick when she 's spent so much time on the food . when i walk back into the kitchen , pierce is murmuring into my mom 's ear as she blushes , so i quickly back out again . i hear nate enter through the front door , and he walks into the dining room just as i 'm leaning on the back of my chair . `` hey , '' he says with a smile . `` i was thinking about you- '' he breaks off as my mom and pierce walk in . pierce brandishes a bottle of champagne and walks around filling up our crystal flutes .
i step back to give him a wide berth , and then we all sit down as he finishes filling up his own glass . `` cheers , '' he says . i avoid his eye contact as we all clink our glasses . nate frowns at me slightly and i know he can tell there 's something up . oh god , i ca n't even think about talking to him later tonight . he can always tell when i 'm lying , so i do n't know what i 'm going to say . `` brynn , did you messenger those envelopes like i asked ? '' pierce says , turning to me . `` hm ? '' i ask , startled by his question . `` the envelopes . i wanted to double check because you 've seemed so distracted lately , and they 're quite important . '' i frown at him . what the hell ? `` you did n't ask me to messenger anything today , pierce . '' `` brynn , '' he sighs in a patronizing way , setting down his champagne glass . `` you did n't ! '' i reply , a little more defensively than i mean to . i glance at nate and see him raising his eyebrows at me . `` you know that i did . and it 's not like this is the first time this has happened , '' pierce counters .
`` maybe we should- '' my mom breaks in . `` wait , no , '' i say to her , holding up my hand . `` i honestly do n't know what you 're talking about pierce . '' `` well , this clearly is n't the time to discuss it , but since you 're pressing me , i 've heard from some of your immediate superiors that you have n't been very responsible . '' like who ? when ? '' `` obviously i ca n't give you exact dates , and i need to protect their anonymity- '' `` wow . wow , '' i snap , tossing down my napkin . `` you are just making all this up , are n't you ? '' `` brynn , calm down , '' nate murmurs from across the table . `` calm down ? seriously ? he 's lying ! '' `` he has no reason to- '' nate argues . `` he damn well does . he called me into his office today and unzipped my dress , and i told him to back off , and now he 's pissed . '' `` you know that 's because i was worried about those bruises on your neck , brynn . do n't get hysterical . '' `` you 're a liar , '' i whisper .
he slams his hand down on the table , causing me to jump . `` i will not be spoken to that way in my own house ! '' i glance back and forth at my mom and nate , speechless . are they really just going to sit there staring at me ? i stand up so abruptly that my chair almost falls over backward . i ca n't take being surrounded by this bullshit anymore . i walk quickly around the table and then out the front door , clenching my fists to try to contain my anger until i 'm outside . as i close the door behind me , i pick up my pace , walking straight down the driveway and out of the gates . the woods rise up quiet and dark around me as tears of frustration and humiliation begin to stream down my face . i do n't know where i 'm going-i just need to get away from that house . `` hey ! wait ! '' i hear a woman 's voice call out behind me , but i keep walking . `` you 're brynn , right ? '' i freeze and take a deep breath before turning around . `` look , if you 're a reporter or something , i 'm really not in the mood . '' i can just see her blonde hair reflect the moonlight as she takes a couple steps closer .
`` i 'm not a reporter . i 'm nate 's mom , eileen . '' chapter twenty-five `` are ... are you alright ? '' she asks , taking another step toward me . `` i 'm , i 'm just- '' i break off as a sob escapes my lips . `` it 's alright . i 've got some tissues in my car-why do n't you come sit down for a moment . '' in a saner moment , i might have questioned the safety of getting into a strange woman 's car , but this is not a sane moment . she wraps her arm around my shoulders and leads me to the passenger side of her blue sedan , parked just down the street from the gates of the house . she sits me down then hurries around to the driver 's side and gets in . `` here you go , '' she says , pulling a box of tissues from the floor of the back seat . `` thanks , '' i murmur rather incoherently . she flips on the car 's overhead light . `` oh ! '' i exclaim . `` you 're the woman from the boathouse parking lot . '' she smiles wryly . `` i thought you saw me that day . i 'm not a stalker or anything .
it 's just , sometimes i like to get a glimpse of him , that 's all . see what he looks like , how he 's doing . '' `` but what 's happened to you ? is there anything i can do ? '' `` it 's pierce , '' i murmur as more tears fall from my eyes at the mention of his name . `` what 'd he do now ? '' `` he ... he made a pass at me at work . i mean , i actually was n't sure that 's what it was right after , but then tonight he got on my case about something i did n't even do , and that 's when i knew for sure . '' `` oh , sweetie , i 'm sorry , '' she says , rubbing my shoulder . `` pierce has a serious case of entitlement . he thinks that anything with a vagina is fair game , even his stepdaughter , it seems . '' `` i mean , i already knew he was an asshole from the way he treats nate , but i just had n't felt it directed at me yet . '' she stills . `` he does n't treat nate well ? '' she asks quietly . `` oh , oh , i 'm sorry , '' i reply , looking at her through bleary eyes .
`` he 's ... he 's very hard on nate . he calls him entitled , selfish , when i think those are really things he knows deep down are true about himself . '' `` my little nate , '' she murmurs to herself . `` but he 's really ... nate is a good person , you should know that . well , to be honest , at first i thought he was more like pierce , but that 's just a cover . maybe it 's that half his genes are yours , or maybe his father raised him to be a better person than he is himself , i do n't know . but he 's smart , funny , hardworking ... '' `` thank you , '' she says , taking my hand . `` i 'm sorry you have to go through this . did you tell your mom ? '' `` she found out at dinner , but ... '' i shake my head . `` she 's completely under pierce 's spell . she gets like that about men , but i 've never seen her quite so enamored of one before him . she looks a lot like you , actually , '' i realize , studying her beautiful , slightly lined face . `` pierce certainly has a type , '' she says with a sad smile .
`` there 's another thing you should know ... about nate ... i found out after you called : he thinks you left because he was too much for you , because he was a bad kid , basically . i tried to talk to him about it , really , but he would n't hear it . '' `` nate was a wonderful child , and even if he 'd been the devil incarnate , i still would n't have left him . '' `` yeah , i figured as much . he said that the night before you left , you and pierce had a big fight over him , because he misbehaved , and that 's why you left the next day . '' `` oh , god , '' she murmurs , covering her face in her hands . `` he must have felt so alone , so responsible . no ... i remember that fight , because it was our last . we 'd been to some big gala that night , and we 'd seen this woman there who was in our circle at the time . i knew he 'd cheated before , but he promised me he 'd stopped , and then at this party , i could just tell by the way they looked at each other that they were sleeping together . i confronted him about it at home , and he barely even bothered to deny it . i was yelling at him , asking what kind of example he was setting for his son .
i left ... i never thought that would be one of the last times i 'd see nate . i never thought that was even a possibility . '' `` i want to help you , '' i say suddenly . you have too much going on already , '' eileen says , shaking her head emphatically . `` no , i want to . not just for you , either . for nate . he needs you in his life . i can tell that you 're good , and kind , and he needs people like that to love him . please let me help you . '' `` i do n't want to put you in a position ... i do n't want to jeopardize anything . you and nate , you have a special relationship . '' `` um , sure , yeah , he 's a great guy , '' i hedge . `` brynn ... it 's ok . i know . '' i swallow . `` know what ? '' `` when i saw you that day at the boathouse , i could just tell . at first i thought you were his girlfriend , and then i realized who you were , and i saw the way you two looked at each other . you 're in love , '' she whispers . i begin to tug at my hair nervously . `` you 've acted on your feelings ? '' it 's all i can do to nod .
`` do your parents know ? '' `` brynn , you do n't have to be embarrassed . life 's messy . people find love wherever they can . hell , it 's not like you 're breaking any laws . '' my tears begin to slip down my face again , renewed . `` i ca n't believe it 's so obvious . '' `` maybe i just caught you two in an unguarded moment . but , see , if nate and you are together , i do n't want to come between you . '' `` honestly , i 'd like him to meet you . i think it might do him some good . when pierce was chewing me out tonight , he did n't say anything . '' `` so you 'll meet with him ? '' `` if you 're sure it 's ok with you . '' `` i 'm not sure how i 'll set it up yet , but write down your number for me , and i 'll get in touch with you when i know . '' she nods and tears a slip of paper from a paperback book in the back seat . as she hands it to me and i get out of the car , she leans over into the passenger seat .
`` brynn , if i could just give you a little advice ... i would avoid pierce for the next few days . he does n't like it when people stand up to him . '' i nod and shut the door , walking slowly back to the house as i run my fingers over her phone number . i peer cautiously through the first floor windows , not wanting to walk back in on dinner , but it looks like they 've finished and the plates have all been cleared . i quietly open the front door and tiptoe up the stairs to my bedroom , locking my door behind me . i put eileen 's phone number on my bureau and am just about to change out of my dress when i hear a soft knock on the door . usually nate just comes in now , so he clearly knows that i 'm upset with him . i walk over and unlock it , then open it a few inches . `` you locked it ? '' he asks , looking hurt . `` i want to be alone right now , '' i murmur , though a knot forms in my throat at the thought of spending the first night in a week without him . `` i ... i ca n't choose between you , '' he whispers . he looks so forlorn , and i see a glimpse of the little boy that he once was , overhearing his parents ' arguments .
`` they 're going to some charity lunch tomorrow afternoon ... maybe we could spend some time together . '' `` ok , '' i nod , my mind already moving in a different direction . he pauses , unsure if he should kiss me . `` alright , goodnight , '' he says , and walks down the hallway to his bedroom . i close and lock the door after him , then grab my cell phone and put in eileen 's number . tomorrow afternoon , i text her . i 'll let you know when my parents are gone , and then you come meet nate . chapter twenty-six i yawn as i sit by my window , waiting for the sounds of my mom and pierce leaving . i was n't able to sleep well at all last night . there were too many worries rattling around in my brain . mainly , though , it felt strange not to see nate . i missed his presence in my bed with a physical ache that gnawed away at me . finally i hear some movement in the rest of the house . i walk to my door and crack it open , sticking my head out into the hall . i can just hear my mom murmuring something to pierce as they make their way to the garage . soon i hear the car pulling out of the driveway and i glance at the clock .
i 'll give them ten minutes . i wait impatiently , and as soon as it 's up , i text eileen and head down to the foyer . luckily nate has been safely ensconced in his room all morning . i do n't know if he even got up to train this morning , which is highly unusual for him . i glance out the window next to the door and see eileen walking up the driveway . `` hi , '' i murmur quietly as she reaches the steps and i open the door . `` hi , '' she replies nervously , smoothing her blouse . `` do i look alright ? '' `` you look fine , '' i assure her . i ca n't imagine how she must feel , finally seeing her son face-to-face after all these years . she looks around the foyer . `` god , this place is even bigger than it looks from outside . '' it 's ridiculous , '' i agree , and usher her into the den . `` pierce and my mom are at some charity lunch , so they 'll be gone for a while , '' i tell her . she bites her lip nervously and takes a seat on the couch . `` i 'll call nate down , alright ?
i have n't told him anything ... i was n't sure he would come otherwise . '' she nods , and i head to the stairs . `` hey , nate ? '' i yell , and hear his bedroom door open . `` you wan na come down to the den ? '' i feel a fissure of guilt as he replies happily , `` sure ! be right there , '' and i hear him moving around . i do n't like the idea of setting a trap and lying to him , but i rationalize that it 's in the service of a greater truth , that of the true nature of his parents ' relationship , and his father 's character . i walk back into the den , and stand nervously next to the couch where eileen 's sitting . she stands as we hear nate walking down the stairs , and then he turns the corner and sees us . his face is a blank as he surveys the scene before him . he takes a step forward , looks like he 's going to say something , and then steps back . `` nate , it 's me , your mom , '' eileen whispers . `` i know who you are , '' nate replies quietly . he turns to me . `` you did this ? '' `` i think you should hear what she has to say .
please , will you just sit for a minute ? '' nate 's face twists into a sneer-an expression i have n't seen in weeks . `` you 're unbelievable , '' he spits at me , and storms out the front door , slamming it behind him . eileen sits down with a muted cry , and i run after him . i call as i shut the door behind me and head down the front steps . he 's walking around the side of the house , probably headed for the garage and his car to make an escape . `` would you just listen to me for a second ? '' so you can try to poison my mind against my dad some more ? '' he yells , reeling around . `` i 'm trying to tell you the truth about him ! eileen can tell you- '' `` oh , so this is all about you ! you can try to paint it as some benevolent way of getting a mother and son to reunite , but really , this is all about getting me to believe your story , '' he turns again and begins to walk away across the grass . that 's not true ! '' i protest , pursuing him . `` your mom is a good person-i wanted to help her , and you . '' `` you 're pathetic , you know that ? ''
he says , spinning around again . `` stop following me . whatever mistakes we made together this summer , it 's over . '' nate , i- '' i feel like he just punched me in the gut . how did this all go so wrong ? `` i thought maybe you were different than all the other girls i 've fucked , but you 're not , ok ? from now on , let 's just smile at each other politely from across the room at family events , like normal stepsiblings do . '' `` no , no ! we are different , we are . '' `` you 're just attached because i was your first . do n't worry about it , you 'll get over it soon . you were nothing special to me , brynn , '' he says and walks through the garage 's side door . i stand in shock as i watch the garage door slide open and his wrangler come speeding out . i watch him head down the driveway , then disappear around the corner . i hear the front door open behind me , and eileen approach me . `` i 'm so sorry , brynn , this is all my fault . '' `` no , it 's not , '' i reply , biting my lip to keep from sobbing .
she puts her arm around me . `` he 's just angry . he 'll come to his senses . '' `` no , he 's just as stubborn as i am . it 's really over . '' i collapse against her , burying my head on her shoulder as i begin to cry . `` first love always hits the hardest , '' she murmurs as she rubs my arm . `` come on-your parents wo n't be back for a while . i 'll make you some tea . '' after eileen leaves and i 've hidden away in my room , i ca n't help but marvel at her kindness . it 's been a long time since my own mother has taken care of me and comforted me the way she did , even though the afternoon might have gone even worse for her than it did for me . she told me that she 's learned not to get her hopes up for a reunion over the years , though it does still hurt . i keep picturing the anger on nate 's face as he ended our romantic relationship . i could tell he really meant the things he was saying . my body aches at the thought that i wo n't get to touch him again , and feel him against me .
already i feel like it 's been ages since i 've seen him . i hear my mom and pierce come home in the late afternoon , and i glance at my locked door . i do n't want to see them now , or anytime soon , for that matter . i think of how nate begins to resemble his father when he gets angry , but his mother in his kindness . even though she was only in his life until he was eight or nine , she must have had some influence on him in those early years , in addition to whatever good traits she passed down to him genetically . i suppose i wanted to tip the scales in her direction , to make sure that nate keeps listening to the side of himself that his mother has passed on to him . but clearly , i do n't have the power to make such a thing happen . mistake . he referred to what happened between us as a mistake . my body curls around myself as though i 've just been punched in the gut . i can feel the pain reverberating in my bones . i thought maybe you were different than all the other girls i 've fucked , but you 're not . you 're nothing special to me , brynn . his words keep echoing around in my head , and i ca n't make them go away .
i do n't know if i 've ever felt so completely hollow before . eventually , i fall asleep , my body finally giving in to the exhaustion i feel . when i wake up , it 's almost ten at night . my mom did n't even try to wake me for dinner , i realize . i feel a surge of anger against her . mothers are supposed to protect their children , but of course she 's taking pierce 's side . she thinks he 's some kind of savior , rescuing her and her abandoned daughter from some lonely life . i want to scream . i want her to be stronger , to be there for me like i 've been there for her countless times . but i know my anger is useless ; i 've long ago realized that i ca n't change her , ca n't expect her to be any different from the way that she is . my stomach grumbles , reminding me that i 've skipped a meal or two today . i do n't even feel like eating , but i know that i 'll never be able to get to sleep again tonight without a little something in my stomach . i sigh and get out of bed and head over to my bureau , pulling a sweatshirt on over my t-shirt . i cautiously open my door and listen .
i think i can just hear the sounds of the tv from my mom and pierce 's room . should be safe , then . i tiptoe down the hallway , pausing at the open door to nate 's dark room . still out , i guess . probably drinking somewhere . how long can this situation last ? i wonder as i walk quietly down the stairs . i feel like we 're all tightly-wound strings , and one of us is bound to break sometime . i know i for one ca n't keep creeping around the house like this , avoiding everyone . in the kitchen , i fix myself a grilled cheese sandwich , feeling the need for some comfort food . i 'm just turning off the stove top when i hear the door to pierce 's study open . i hurry to grab the spatula and slide the sandwich onto my plate before he comes in , but i 'm too late . `` brynn , '' he says from the doorway . `` we missed you at dinner . '' ugh , that asshole , acting like nothing happened . `` just fixing something now , '' i answer shortly . as i put the spatula and pan into the sink , i see over my shoulder that he 's walking toward me . he plants himself between the island and the fridge , trapping me by the counter .
`` your mother is very upset , '' he tells me , his eyebrow bending into a concerned frown . `` is she ? '' i ask through gritted teeth . if he expects me to apologize , as though her mood is my fault , then he 's mistaken . `` brynn , i think you 've gotten the wrong idea about me , '' he murmurs , taking another step toward me . i reluctantly turn to face him . `` you have no idea how hard it is for a man , to have a beautiful woman like you in the house . '' `` i 'm your stepdaughter , pierce , '' i practically growl as my heartbeat jumps in my chest . `` you 've really blossomed this summer , brynn . you 've become a woman , '' he says , stepping into me . i can feel his warm breath on my face . `` i want you to get away from me , '' i whisper , my throat tightening . `` just for a moment ... i need to feel ... '' he moans pitifully , sliding his hand onto my hip and then over my ass . my anger ignites at his touch , blasting away my fear . i get my arms up between us and shove him away . `` get off me , you fucking asshole ! '' i scream .
`` you think you 're some gentleman with your fancy suits and your mansion , but inside you 're just some sick pervert , taking advantage of anyone you can . i see who you really are , even if no one else does . '' his face twists with anger , and i feel my cheek light up with pain before my brain can process that he 's slapped me . i bring my hand up to my burning face , my head still pulled to the side , just as pierce disappears in a blur . i straighten up with a gasp as i realize nate has just tackled him to the floor , and they are now grappling fiercely on the kitchen tiles . `` do n't you fucking touch her ! '' he yells at his father , whose face is turning red in an effort to defend himself against his much stronger son . i hear footsteps from the stairwell and see my mom running down the hallway and manage to unfreeze myself . `` nate ! nate , stop ! '' i yell , as he manages to find the top position . my mom screams as nate punches pierce hard across his jaw . i throw myself on nate 's back as he cocks his arm back in preparation for another punch . `` nate , i 'm ok , i 'm ok , '' i repeat in his ear . i feel him relax a little and begin to pull him up .
he drops his arm and stands up with me . pierce pushes him away as he stands up , too , and they face off , each breathing heavily , pierce with a trail of blood dripping from the corner of his mouth . my mom finally whispers , her voice full of fear . `` i saw everything , '' nate growls , addressing his father . `` you hypocrite . '' to my shock , pierce begins to laugh . `` i knew it , i knew it ! look at you two ! '' he says , pointing at us . `` what 's he talking about ? '' my mom asks , glancing at me . `` they 're fucking ! '' pierce bursts out . `` no ... what ? '' my mom murmurs . `` oh , christ , holly , are you really that fucking stupid ? you did n't even suspect ? '' my mom shakes her head . `` that 's why you 're fighting ? '' `` no , '' nate says , turning to her . `` i saw him trying to feel up brynn , and then she told him to stop , and he slapped her . '' a look of horror spreads across my mom 's face . she looks at me , then at pierce . `` is this true ? is it true ? ''
pierce does n't even bother responding to her accusations , just turns his palms upward and shrugs . a wailing cry escapes my mom 's lips . for a second i think she 's going to collapse , but then she throws herself at pierce , her limbs a blur as she attacks him . `` i trusted you ! i trusted you ! '' she screams . pierce puts his arms up to defend himself as nate steps forward and wraps his arms around her , hemming her in and then pulling her away . `` my own daughter ! my own daughter , you son of a bitch ! '' with a strangled cry , she turns her head and begins to sob against nate 's chest . pierce surveys the three of us , aligned against him on the other side of the kitchen . `` nothing ? '' nate whispers , as he rubs my mom 's shoulder . `` you have nothing to say for yourself ? '' `` come on , nate . you 're really going to believe them ? '' pierce says , a sneer of contempt on his face . `` i do n't have to-i saw you with my own eyes . but i should have believed brynn in the first place , '' nate says quietly , though i can hear the strength in his voice .
pierce can only manage a snort of derision before he walks toward the hallway . `` my mother , '' nate says , and pierce stops , his back still toward his son . `` you made everything up , did n't you ? '' pierce stands frozen for a moment , his head slightly cocked to the side . i ca n't see his face , and ca n't imagine what could be going on inside his mind . his carefully crafted history , now falling apart around him . he shakes his head slightly , as if waving away an unpleasant smell , then continues to walk down the hallway . he heads straight to the front door , and shuts it behind him . as we hear the sound of his car heading down the driveway , my mom straightens up , and nate 's arms fall to his sides . `` i need to be alone for a little while , '' she murmurs , her gaze on the floor , and walks unsteadily toward the stairs . i watch her leave , wishing she had the strength to comfort me for even a moment . `` she 's just in shock , '' nate says , reading my mind like always . `` i know , '' i reply with a nod , struggling to keep myself together . `` i should have believed you . '' `` i had no reason to lie . ''

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