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I feel bad right now because my stomach is very upset, it's been upset for the past week or two and I'm afraid to go to the doctor, but anyway, I guess that's not really that important right now right? I should really be thinking about school and the 15 hour load that I'm taking and hoping that I'll be able to pass all classes with and A or a B. my father did tell me that he would give me $100 for every A that I get and $50 for the B's. It just goes to show hoe desperate he is that he wants me to get good grades. but maybe UT is just too hard for mr This is the only chance I have, you must do good Adina, you must. I should really believe in myself and hopefully finish school faster than my brother did that way my parents will be able to take a break for one year and save for Daniel's tuition. We are five years apart. I wonder if Karel will call me this weekend. It's been a whole week, maybe he doesn't care, maybe he just has someone else, someone better than me? how could he treat me so bad all this time and me just be here waiting for him. I should stop thinking about all this and worry about other things. I really don't know how dad's going to come up with 10,000 dollars to take out those tanks from the gasoline store. We are just too poor. and how could abuelito be so selfish and not pay those 17,000 dollars that he owes in taxes on the mineral rights. Tia is really upset because she doesn't think he cares much about anything anymore. which is partially true because the oil wells weren't his anyway the were abuelita's. boy do I miss her , even though I never met my own grandmother I know that she was a very beautiful lady. my dad must have been said when they told him that welita died. he would have stayed in the air force longer but I guess things just happen right, what I mean is it, it's 2:17 I still have about 10 more minutes to write. my mind is blank , I don't know what to say, this weekend when I went home there were so many flood charity things for the people of my hometown, Eagle Pass, and for the people of Del Rio. My mom and I should give all he close that we don' t wear anymore to those people. I can't believe how high the Rio rose. As we crossed the bridge on Friday I noticed that the river was completely back to normal but when I saw the pictures that my dad took of the river when it was high near welito's house it looked bad. I can't' believe all that stuff was under water. How could God do this to all these people. the worst thing about it is that it landed on the poorest of them all. the poorest are the ones that have to suffer the most. I hope that one day I can be rich and that I may be able to donate a lot of my money to the poorest people of our countries. People shouldn't have to suffer in such terrible ways, well, I sure do miss mom, right now she's in San Antonio because she took pappy to the doctor. I think my dad might have diabetes and he doesn't know it. my grandfather has diabetes too and you know how dad is, all his life he's always liked sweets. he has a sweet tooth, exactly like his daughter. I love sweets a lot. I really do, I always think that one day I might be the one that has diabetes and not my dad. I hope not though. but maybe if I did then I would be able to lose weight. oh well, anyway. I guess I better close this because I'm just about running out of time, although I wish I could keep writing because I kind of like just typing into keys and pressing down on them with thoughts that I have in my head. well, hope you like my confusing thoughts, or who knows, maybe you won't even read this. got to go. . :0)
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That's what I thought, so I got very angry when earlier today they wouldn't sell me cigarettes just because my driver's license was expired. Then, they wouldn't sell them to my friend because they said that they knew that she was going to give them to me. It is ridiculous!!! I am eighteen even if my driver's license is expired. Just because in the last two months I haven't had two hours to go and get it renewed, they're going to punish me by not letting me buy my nicotine. Some rules just make me so mad I could scream. Why would they do such stupid things? I'm confused because I think that I'm afraid to audition for any of the plays here at UT because I'm afraid of failure, of not getting the part. My major is theatre arts and I hope to be an actress someday, and not one of those cheesy ladies on soaps. I want to be in movies and plays and be recognized and have money. I love acting and I've been doing it for so long and I never audition except for when I have to because I think maybe unconsciously, I feel less talented and afraid when they shake their heads at me.
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But I can't go to sleep because I have mounds of homework to do. The drive back here from home, just wore me out completely, and that is why I didn't have any time earlier to do my homework. I still need to take a shower. Then I have to wake up early in the morning and figure out where my biology discussion class is, so I can go in there and take the dumb quiz that the TA gives out. Too bad, I am going to fail it. The lectures my prof. gives, just don't really make since. I wish that my best friend Natalie and I could've spent more time together when I was home this past weekend. I also wish that my boyfriend Mark would send me an email. I wish that we could somehow get passed this stupid problem we are having. It's hard enough him being in Virginia, then he has to go and get some weird attitude and get mad and not be himself. It is really making me mad, and sad all at once. I wish that I could see him, and knock some since into his head and then everything would be okay. Natalie is the only one that knows enough about us for me to talk to about our relationship problems. But I hate boring her to death with it, I don't want to get on her nerves about it. This past summer, everything was fine, and now it is all so different, I hate it. But there is nothing I can do about it. And then there is Matt which just gets on my nerves. He is my good friend from the past year, although we've known each other for going on 7 years. He just aggravates me, the way he is so scatter brained. I just get so frustrated, and tired of it. Poor guy, I feel sorry for him. Then, my mind always, swings back to Mark. I can't ever not think about us, and this problem we are having. I so need to talk to him about it because I can't function unless everything is resolved. And it is driving me absolutely CRAZY. But he won't talk about it, he won't talk to me. And I am not the kind of person that can just drop it. I can't just say, oh well, and then forget about it. I have it on me for quite a long while. Every day, I see or hear at least 15 things that remind me of him or us together. Its so depressing. I hate being this way, all depressed and not my peppy, cheerful self. Well, I see that the 20 minutes are up now. SO long.
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I want to see my friends and my parents. can I go home? I lied to my parents. they don't like me too much right now. maybe even hate. I feel sorry. disgusted. hate for myself. I shouldn't have done that. but I'm an adult. ,I should do whatever I feel and they should just except it. turn that music off. my roommate listens to some weird stuff. what is that? it's depressing. I don't like it. it makes me homesick. why? it doesn't even remind me of home. gee, I want to listen to some rap but I'm sitting here writing continuously. is that how you spell it. it's hard to type what you think when you think it. even though they said not worry about grammar and all, I'm still worried. what if the professor thinks I'm stupid because I can't type. what if I am stupid because I can't type. thank got for backspace. anyhow, what is this for. why am I typing this. I need to do it. it's homework. I need to do homework. I feel bad. confused. wrong. should I take notes while I read in my textbooks. I don't know. I feel like an outcast when I don't take notes in my classes. should I? should I be writing down everything the professor says. should I? I'll find out when we take our first test. then when I fail, I can say now I know what to do when the problem could have been solved in the beginning by the teacher saying, please take notes because everything on the test will be from lecture. you bought the book because the university needs another way to spend money they know you don't have. ha! that was funny. okay, where was I. thinking still. I'm hungry. I can't stand the food at jester but I eat it like I've never had food before. it's just there and it tells me eat me fat boy you paid for it so eat it. I try to tell myself to find something descent like the gourmet pizza, not, or the soybean burgers but I keep getting in line to have that crappy stuff ion the choices line. never anything worth getting but I still eat it. Why? I miss home cooking, not that my mother ever cooks but McDonalds serves as a home cooked meal for me since that is what we had for dinner a lot when I was growing up. McDonalds is good. I like the nuggets? barbecue sauce is the bomb. one time I went to McDonalds and they wouldn't give me any barbecue sauce. bastards. anyway, what was I talking about. so, I miss my home. I miss my friends. I called each of them the first week I was here. they all stayed at home to go to college there, or joined the military, or just didn't go to college. Oh well, their loss because it's fun up here. actually, it's fun in san antonio where I live. I would probably not be going through anything like I am here if I were to stay home. I needed this in my life, to experience new things and new people. funny though, there aren't that many Mexicans here at UT. I mean there are tons of Asians, blacks, Indians, and of course white people but there aren't that many Mexicans so I guess there are people other than Mexicans in the world because in san antonio that's all you saw. Mexicans. man my friend jason is so cool. I miss my friends from work. I used to work at cici's pizza, the best pizza value anywhere buffet for only 2. 99 you come and see us. , I always plug the restaurant to whomever I speak or whatever, anyway I don't know why because the food really sucked. yeah, it was bad. really bad. rats and roaches. that's all that comes to mind when I think of cici's. yeah, and pastries. everyone that worked there threw parties. they were the bomb. I went to so many when I worked there. anything and everything went at a cici's crew party although others were invited too. they were fun. I miss people at work. I remember dating this grill I worked with never date anyone you work with. people talk and shit happens and it really sucks. frustration. anger. anyway, that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend now. she makes me cringe. probably because of the shit she put me through but mostly because every time she left me a message she would play a song from the radio. I guess that's why it's hard to listen to the radio and not think of her. disgust. , hate. pity. sadness. mistrust. bitch. I thought she was the one. / no I didn't I just say that to sound normal. she really didn't mean a lot to me only that she loved me so I felt bad that I didn't love her so I told her I really cared for her but I didn't. I lie to everyone I guess. even myself. sadness. silence. hurt. I don't know what else to write. nothing comes to mind only blackness. I hit a chord as I wrote that. is it true. I hope not. I never mean to be dishonest. I only tell the truth to hurt people and that's wrong. not always but I just feel funny when someone feels a certain way and I don't feel that way back. you know? anyway, that's all I'm going to say about that. is there any gum around here? found some it's good. juicy fruit. is going to move you it gets right to you, the taste the taste the taste is going to move you. okay, commercial. anyway, I wish I had a tv right now. I miss cable . I love to watch comic view and BET and MTV and comedy shows. tonight is seinfeld. that show is hilarious although the series finale sucked. very disappointing. I was mad. upset. I had to tape it because I had a band concert that night. band. bad memories. some good. i wish I played better so I could do something with it but I never practiced on my instrument. I never applied myself. another hidden talent gone to waste. what about college. apply myself? hopefully and succeed. want to graduate but not too sure on them probability of it. hope so. want to please myself as well as my friends and family. don't want to let myself down but I don't know if I want it that bad. sniffle. sadness. I want to make my parents proud again before they leave this earth. death. blackness. crying. .
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what a waste of time. These guys are so hung on the fact that they can't decide whether they want to be this one or that one or if they can hack it. How stupid. it is really loud in the other room and I hate when people have their deadlocks one and leave the door open so it always slams when it closes. What should I do about mike? It is a really confusing situation. I wish that gabe would ask me out again. Smoking is bad. Justin just asked King Dobie if he wanted to go smoke and it's gross. To relieve stress about all this frat shit. Racism is bad. I don't understand why can't people just respect the fact that everyone is not going to be the same color as them. I am open-minded about it because I lived over seas and sometimes I wish that people would be able to have this experience so that they could understand a little bit about another culture. You learn a lot about your lifestyle and your own country when you are not surrounded about it the whole time. But right now I don't feel surrounded. Ronnie is still probably crying over his ex-girlfriend and I feel his pain I have been through that before with Chris, I wish here was here a lot of the time but I guess he isn't. he is probably with carley having sex which sucks for me to be thinking about because I think she is a really bad influence on him. I just hope he takes care of himself and doesn't screw up too bad at A&M since he already screwed up by even going there. Imagine that . to be an Aggie that would suck but I guess in a sense I am being prejudice against the Aggies. They are a whole different culture but I hate to be called a hypocrite. Someone called me today and it was my best friend in the whole world. Cole is the man. I miss him so much and a lot of the time I wish that I has a friend as close to me here as he was to me. He is at westpoint and I feel bad for him, no sleep and lots of pressure to do well. I hope he is ok. I miss him and he needs my prayers, which I need to do. I got to get back into the swing of things,. I would be letting Cole down if he knew where I am at with God right now, he is my accountability partner and I feel as though I am letting him down by not studying the word. I will probably go to Metro on Tuesday though and hopefully I will take someone with me. Maybe Brian will go. I hope so, I wonder how sarah and wade are. I miss seeing here and was pretty mean sometimes. brad on the other hand seems very worried about his job and I scared for him! We clicked really well at work and I wish we could spend some quality time together sometime but I don't know what he has been up to ? I got to go to bed soon. I was very stupid about waiting till the last minute to do homework but I do it all the time and I don't know why I surprise myself every time that I wait until the last minute to do stuff. speaking of which I need a job. where the heck am I going to get a job. I need money to pay for crap that I don't need, Like sweats and shoes that I would add to the collection of almost 40. Lauren just walked in the door and I knew because I recognized her voice. She is weird but in a great way. only 4 minutes I think. it seems like twenty minutes is such a short time when you are babbling your thoughts to a computer. Mike is weird and he has this annoying laugh that drives me nuts. So does Gabe but Gabe's is cute, or am I just trying to justify it because I think I like him. probably I do that a lot. I can convince myself that something is good when it isn't and the exact opposite. It sucks. I never know whether to believe myself or not to. Just like when I talk about sex, I don't want to have sex until I am married and I have made a commitment to not only myself and God but to my future mate. Wow that is scary. thinking about marriage. " just what every girl dreams of. their wedding day. " But I hate to be out in the category 'every girl' I am my own person and I feel like I am unique.
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I'm really behind in school work right now. I have been working so much that I have put school work aside. I have a lot of things to buy and not enough money for everything. I'm wondering if I really need to buy a mask for my scuba class. that means I would have to invest ninety bucks in a mask and at least twenty for the snorkel. another thing that makes me really mad is that I just bought those flip-flops today and somebody stole them. that makes me so mad, it's like nobody has any integrity anymore. I don't understand every time I find something in a store I always turn it in. that's the way I would like for my things to handled if I left them. it just makes me mad. sure, they were on a super sale for ten bucks, but still, that is not the point. I wonder where my honey is at. oh yeah he had a flight meeting to attend. I wonder when he'll be back. it's already nine. okay, let's think, what do I have to do tonight. I have to finish up my economics homework, gosh I have to get at least a b in that class. I also have to get a good grade in this psych class. I wonder who's right outside, they sure are making a lot of noise. oh yeah, I have to do good in this class because I need it for my sequence to apply to the school. so I have to finish up this homework and then do eco. I'm glad I don't have to worry about digging up all the answers since I already found a bunch of them. I have to read for social work and I need to go and buy the sports package. I need to find out what time I have to be at work on Wednesday evening. I don't think my boss understands that my class doesn't let out until five and she wants me at work by five thirty, she's crazy. gee, I'm really thirsty. gosh, I have got to get back into homework. I have a test in sw on the 22. I have so much reading. I hate reading especially about research stuff. I think the only reason I'm caught up in psych is because most of the reading is pretty interesting and so is the prof. and economics, I guess I'm just afraid to fall behind in that class. so my goal for the evening will be to get all this psych stuff done and economics and get through the chapter in social work. that shouldn't be too hard. I kind of like that Jason isn't home but I'm getting worried about him. if he were here then I probably wouldn't' be getting this done. on the other hand he has plenty of physics and calc to do also so I guess we'll both be getting school work taken care of tonight. I'm so excited that I'll get to go to one of the football games this year. at least I'll feel like a normal college student for a day. I wonder how that slip that I just bought fits. I have yet to try it on. I bet Jason will love it but he will just have to wait. gosh, I'm hungry. what did I eat today, oh yeah I ate Chinese. I really have to get in touch with bob. I feel so bad that I haven't contacted him. I need to extend my condolences to his family. I bet his poor mother must be miserable without her husband. I don't know what I would ever do if I lost Jason, that's because we're not even married.
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I do have spells of concentration where I can get things accomplished, and I guess getting around to doing this assignment is one of them. I don't know what happened to me in the past couple years of my life. I grew up as a bad girl--always in the corner in elementary school, only girl in my crowd to be suspended, first girl to try "new things. " But in the middle of my sophomore year in high school I came into contact with a few people who made me WANT to change my lifestyle. I lived in the Dubai, United Arab Emirates from 7th grade until the middle of my junior year. I went to a small, elite private school, The American School of Dubai, where I was known by teachers and parents (and everyone knew everyone in our community)as strange and, therefore bad. My attitude was "screw them" because I was angry at the world and dissatisfied with society. mind you if you really know me you find I am generally a good-natured person who looks for the best in people if they have anything to offer. And this is what my sophomore English teacher did. she was an amazing women, beyond intelligent, down to earth, somewhat of a cynic, hilarious, but very tough. a lot of students hated her at first but eventually realized she was doing it for your own good. But if you acted stupid she treated you like you were. But she treated me with respect straight off and I was slightly stunned. it sounds cheesy but she made me want to work to prove to people I had "what it takes". I was always told I had potential and I knew I did. she made me see my strong points of analyzing literature and writing and from then on I wanted to do well in school. by no means did I become a bookworm. I had fun but also made straight A's in all honor/AP classes and I realized how easily it came to me and I was content. two years later, a year and a half after I moved back to the States, I actually got to see the recommendation she wrote for my college applications, although I wasn't supposed to. I think I cried. it was the first time someone who took me seriously enough to write and let people know that I was one of the few people who had actually touched HER life. god knows she touched mine. now I know what I have to offer even if other people don't. but lately things have become overwhelming and I feel like my hold on my life is slipping. I just hope I do decently in university. I know I can if I try but I feel no motivation. I have no energy to kick my brain in gear. and it makes me sick. but I do have hope and deep down I know I can get over it. I realize I have hit a rather shallow, false part of life and I hope my interest in learning will give me a fat kick in the rear.
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I'm also, I just got interrupted by a friend of mine I always seem to run into someone when I'm in the computer lab she's in my Spanish class which is nice because she always makes me laugh I wish I could type I can't so this assignment is going very slowly for me anyway back to my friend she and I used to live together my freshmen year then over the summer we both went to the same language school in Mexico only I didn't know she was going to be there and vice versa we saw each other in the court yard of the school one day by chance it was pretty weird to go all the way to another country just to run into your housemate I'm pretty tired and these 20 minutes aren't going by very fast I need to get home so I can watch road rules but I don't know where to catch my bus which is a little comical considering that my 20 years old I should know how to use public transportation I don't though because I usually drive but the parking situation is so bad I would have to wake up at the crack of dawn to find a parking place even then it would probably take an act of God oh well I don't have to worry about that today I only need worry about finding my bus I think it's in front of jester I have a lot of classes in jester this semester which I don't like I hate that place it reminders me of my freshmen year not that I lived there it's just that it's such a freshmen place and it smells bad like a day care center ok I would like to apologize for that low blow I was a freshmen too once speaking of freshmen why given the parking problem are they allowed to have cars on campus that pisses me off
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But I guess I'm supposed to be trying new things here in college. What's on my mind right now is the question at hand. So I would say right now I am thinking most about what's going on with me socially. I feel like I keep meeting all these girls and I know I'm never going to become more than friends with any of them. People tell me I'm too much of a nice guy and not aggressive enough when it comes to getting girlfriends. But who really knows what anyone else is thinking or what another person wants. I for one have no clue what other people want from a friend or what a girl would be looking for in me but I guess that's the mystery of life. But it sure seems weird how other people seem to have things all figured out. Like my suite mate gabe, I mean he doesn't have to do anything and everyone is like I want to be your friend and girls are like please have sex with me. I have a lot of friends but Its like I really want one girl to be more and I can't seem to get from being friends with a girl to more but maybe its because I haven't met the girl I want to be more than friends with, oh but that's bull shit cause I know I've met plenty of very attractive girls that I would love to get with but never have. but what can I do. It also seems like some weird forces of nature are working against me on the social thing when it comes to girls or I mean my own personal looks, cause I have had a clear of acne face for over 7 months and then right before I move to college KABOOM, it hits me after I go one week without using my prescription cause I ran out. I refilled it but then again it takes awhile to work so I was going through the transitional period then finally a couple days ago i'm truly completely clear and then the next morning I wake up with this huge cold sore on my lip. The biggest monstrous blister right on my lip. that's really going to make me look good for the girls. And right now I still have this blister. I fell like I have to wait for the blister to go away before I ask any girls out like this girl I met at this foam party this weekend. I talked to her on Tues. but we couldn't get together but now I think I may try to wait till this blister goes away before I try to meet with her again anyway. rrGeez, my back hurts right now, hold on a sec while I adjust my seat. there we go. I am really rambling on about the girls situation but I guess that's what's really on mind throughout most of my college days. I also have the work but that just seems like busy stuff to me. to tell the truth psychology is actually so far my favorite class. Not only because there are so many hot girls there but because the actual material I think is cool, like this assignment for one. I might end up writing for way more than 20 min without realizing it. Well in psyche I met this girl Becky and we were walking together to jester and I just truly wonder if we ever become friends, sure we happened to meet and walked together to class one day and sit together but I somehow doubt it will happen again and that's just another example of me just becoming friends, because if I do see her again we will probably only become friends that meet maybe to study or something but I guess having a lot of good looking friends is better than no friends who are girls. back to school though I cla isn't that bad of coarse math is one of my specialties, and chem I like cause I like my professor but physics seems to be the same as high school, a boring monotone voiced professor who doesn't explain things clearly in my opinion, and I know I could get good grades if they just taught from the books cause I have the ability to learn very well but tests don't come straight from the text books do they. so that may pose as a problem, but I have a class in 20 min that I need to start heading towards so now that I've typed for 22 minutes I think ill let you go now, Later.
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I have too much to and not enough time to do it. I hate feeling stressed. I really wish that I could just snap my fingers and have everything be done for me. When I get like this I can't concentrate on anything else. I feel like I need to just start doing the things I need to do and everthing will be okay. I am also really tired, and I know that I am not going to be getting much sleep anytime soon. I am frustratd about my computer. I need toget everything hooked up but I have to wait until someone helps me. My roommate is very messy and I think I will not be able to handle it for much longer. I wonder why my parents haven't called, and what my boyfiend did last night. I am excited about this weekend. I can't wait until the football game. I am nervous about a Pre-cal quiz. I need to get a hold of my professor, but I don't know if I can. I also need to start reading. Too much to do and not enough time to do it. I should of prepared earlier. I'm trying to think about what else is going through my mind and I'm having troubles doing so because that's all I'm thinking about. I'm wondering how hard my classes are going to be. I am excited about this class and my speech class, but not chemistry and Pre-cal. I am reallt worried about my Pre-cal class I need to go to tutoring or something. I have 5 more minutes to type. I feel like I am different from some of the girls in my sorority, and that scares me. The whole sorority thing is overwhelming. Once everything gets started things could get better. I feel like I am writing in a diary that people are going to read. I think I worry too much. I wish that life could be easier. I feel sorry for my parents. I hate community baths. People should not be so gross and messy. I really just want to go back to bed. This assignment is done.
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You can't tell a person to write their feelings and expect that to show their thought processes. The awareness of the exercise takes away the naturalness of thought and the process of transcribing one's thoughts is inexact anyway. Well, I'm having difficulty doing it anyway. My apartment sucks. It's so modern. The clubhouse is littered with "artistic" wrought-iron chairs and bright paint and triangular windows and shit. There's nothing artistic about that-- it means nothing to the creator and it's just used to entice "hip" college kids to waste their money on these glossed-over crack house apartments. I'm not too upset about it though. I'm used to that sort of thing from corporate entities. The hard thing about these exercises is the difficulty of knowing the audience. It's not to the professor or the TA or my classmates or even to me because, I'm thinking it, why do I need to tell it to myself? I write this and click the submit button and it travels into some ethereal world where it is represented to the prof / TA / whoever as an affirmative for social security number 465953267. Maybe that makes this more / less daring. I don't have to worry about you(whoever you are) reading it, and more importantly about myself going back and reading it tomorrow or in a week or a month or whenever. It makes it more daring because I can write anything and as soon as I click submit, it vanishes as far as anyone is concerned. Less daring in that I risk nothing. I'm wondering about the symbolic value of that word submit. I submit my thoughts. Earlier I was thinking about something. It was a little fragment of a story about existentialism in a Borgesian dream format. Maybe I'll develop that now. I dreamt last night that I was a mercenary in far away world where I had no vested interest in the goings-on. The denizens of said world were warring over things of grave importance. I posed the following question to myself: "If I were to care about a side which would it be?" And so I picked a side and started fighting. Without fervor, without life-and-death importance, but with respect and a little curiosity. Not too bad. I'm not much of a writer. I guess as 20 minutes pass one begins to get used to the audience and just write. I'm out of ammo.
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dreams are like the screen that shows these things to me, like last night's dream-- probably shows true feelings, but more specifically, true fears. fears about who the people I know really are, and especially the way that I feel about those people deep inside. I don't like to analyze them too deeply because who knows, I might find something too true or too scary to be true. then there are fears about who I am. sometimes I admit that I am afraid of relationships and of being hurt, but sometimes I admit that that is just an excuse for being afraid of something else. sometimes my dreams will reveal things I didn't think I could feel-- sometimes there is some energy in my dreams that I can feel for days. a lot of times I say that I am by nature an independent person, I work better alone. there are some people in this world that fall apart without someone to hold their hands, but I'm not one of them. I do need my family and close friends-- I couldn't even think about living without them. but how would I be with one person who is always supposed to be there, to be mine and me to be his. my romantic side loves that and believes in that; my independent side can't handle that. but I have often heard myself say that those people that are the dependent type still need to be alone sometimes. depending on someone your entire life just leaves you helpless when you are left alone. it shoes your weakness and vulnerability. but then again I guess for some "lucky" people they will never be left alone. I think that it is healthier to be alone first, to establish who I am before someone else can drill in me their thoughts and beliefs. I need to be my own person before I can become somebody else's, be strongly sewn in the ground so that he can't pick me out. depending on someone, or having someone depend on you takes a part of you away. it should be two people, as separate wholes, coming together, not one part making the whole. it is good to be open-minded, and I try to be, just not easily influenced. I try to be aware of the differences in each other and accept people for those differences but at the same time not let my true self be sucked in by anything untrue. my perception of strength is just that: though available for those who look to you, staying solid in yourself.
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First of all, I guess would be my nervousness about school. There are several things that tie into that. I don't have a group of friends here yet that I can trust and I'm always nervous around strangers. The guy I really like asked me out, but then acts as if he's not interested. I miss home. I miss the "power" of being the big dogs at school. I know that thousands of people have felt the same way, and thousand more will feel this is the future, but it's so different when it's really me. I guess I never thought I would be the one in college. Another thing is that I'm the only person to come here from my high school in three years, so all the friends I have here now are ones I met here. One thing I do like about living here is that I have a opportunity to be my own person. I don't like being judged, and here there isn't anything on which someone could base a judgement. I also like not having to tell Mom where I am going, and stuff like that. I'M INDEPENDENT!!! I have the rest of my life to be alone. Right now I have no idea what I want to be or what my divit is. There are a lot of occupations I would like to try but most of all I want to make a difference. A BIG difference. I'd like to try truck-driving, cattle ranching, and I'd like to work at Disneyworld. Most of all I think I want to be happy. I think that's the most important thing you can do for yourself. Way back in the back of my mind are Hook' Em tryouts, and the fact that I try out this next Friday, and I haven't made up a skit for it yet. That's freshman procrastination for you!! Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed of all that UT is and stands for. It's kind of awe-inspiring to think of all the people that have gone here, it's tradition, and it's links to the future. My kinds could be here one day. That's a lot to be on one person's mind, but hey you're the one that asked.
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the channel is tuned to MTV; so there must not be anything better to watch at midday. However, being inside watching crap on the television is better than sitting outside in the Hellish heat. When will the madness stop. I write these words in between my 2D design studio class at the art building in the morning and my psychology class at 3:30 PM. Myb studio class starts at 8 AM, way too early. I write from my apartment in south Austin. I get back and forth between school and my apartment by way of Capital metro. The bus is convienent but not so convienent. I don't too much like this computer or any computer for that matter. Technology one day my ruin the human race, we'll have to see. At the moment technology seems to be our best friend, our idle, and to some our lover. That last group of people don't really exsist. Materialism is the Western way of life. This is why we have so much apathy towards other humans we don't know. Some think that if we have our computer to talk to why do we need human interaction. We need human interaction more than we need contact with technology. I would rather have a good conversation with another human than a brief relationiship with a television, computer, or some other device. But what about technology as an assistance to human interaction. This is a good thing as long as it's not relied on too heavily to subsitute for personal contact. We continue to amase ourselves with new toys, but someday we might second guess our advancements.
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This is my first year at UT and I am not used to doing everything on my own. I am scared that I am not strong enough to make it. I am trying hardest though, I do not want to disappoint my parents. I feel like there is so much to get done and I will not to be able to finish everything on time. I am also worried because I do not understand a lot of what is being taught in my classes. This is extremely frustrating because I took these classes in high school and I did well in all of them. I am confident that I will be able to pull through all of this, and hopefully I will be a stronger person for it. I do like this new environment, however. Austin is a beautiful city. I love being here, and being on my own. I feel like I am discovering so much, and it is great! I think I have all these different feelings because I am in a new place, with totally different surroundings, and most of all I am on my own. There is no one to depend on but myself. I already see how I am changing and growing. Even though everything seems so overwhelming, I love the experience!
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okay well here goes nothin' I guess so whats the big deal about all this anyway all I was told was about how hard it ws going to be and so far its been a boat ride we used to play dominoes back in high school in my theatre class and I was the only white kid it was kind of fun actually they all taught me how to play "bones" a boat ride was when all the dots on the end dominoes added up two twenty boat ride and so on well its great so far mom party party party class party party party sleep class party that's my schedule why does this girl keep taking us so seriously I'm so frustr. with her right now oh well sobeit and so on so how much tim e . damn fifteen minutes left what else would you,like to know sir. maam. it whatever is this here to entertain you or for you to. nevermind well here we are just me and you pizza sounds good Kilgore Trout I need to finish that book great book so much crap noone sees the genius and so on the severity of any problem is measured by the attainability of its solution-me yeah psych class 400 people huh and not a damn one is anyhting like me maybe one okay two or three but thas all jammed my finger it hurts to type falling down the stairs at my dads my party drunk 4 in the morningjammed my shoulder and finger price to pay for a good time huh? well answer me nevermind should I tell her what I'm thinking maybe not I ve got plenty of time plenty of time Marty Robbins he used to sing Marty Robbins no more I could not as good as real thing greatt album best of all time U2 crowding my space!!!! okay well are going to give it back for some reason I don't miss it at all I guess I'm hungry griffin liz maybe other girl one of these things is not like the other hot in here workstastion blah blah cuts handsneed new band for my wtch planner aol disk I tired band I wish theyd make it big like daisy I wish daisy'd make it bigger shopping no wait witherspoon. should I go to the concert or the game. the music or the sport that is the question Prague. its all about the show but who know s what show will blow through a town that goes. never again will I write a poem short story etc. maybe a sports article when I'm old and grey and have no teeth and a dog named ralph with my wife having passed away thrre years earlier in my newly finished rocking chair that my grandchildren made for me and the cushion for my arthritic back. orthopedic shoes pipe in hand and caxcer in mouth calling ralph to my feet watching reruns of the X-files praying to God that one of my kids would call to hear a voice or that ralph could talk if that's his name cause wont remember a thing but that's okay because the one thing I will remember is Marty Robbins and so on times up
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I have a lot of work I need to get done with today, and for some reason I'm kind of I the mood to do my homework. You don't know me so you don't know how uncommon this kind of mood is for me. It's like when I finally decided to clean up my room, and it was just so satisfying to get the job done. I already went home for a weekend, and I went straight to my room just to look at how clean it is. It's a very satisfying feeling to know that it's that clean because of me. I kind of miss my family, my friends, my life before I got here. And I just can't stop thinking about this. Today I was walking with my boyfriend, and this guy that I thought was really cute saw me walking with him. It's not like I was planning on dumping my boyfriend for this random guy, but I wouldn't have minded if he hadn't necessarily known that I was attached. Maybe I could've had some fun. But really I truly love my boyfriend, but things are going well, but they could always end up changing. My goal is just that I don't want to miss out on anything in college. I want to date around while I've go the chance. if some guys want to date me, that is. Tonight I'm going to this thing, I can't remember the name of it though: it's like the Christian organization for the whole campus. I'm not really sure how into it I'll be. I go to church and teach Sunday school, or at least I used to. I haven't gone to church in Austin yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. But I don't know if this Christian thing is my kind of thing. I'm not one of those people that likes to go around trying to get people to take God into their lives. That's their choice as far as I'm concerned. I mainly decided to go to this meeting to meet some new people, and so I could do something since Jon's going to be so busy today with his computer science homework. I can't complain too much though because if it wasn't for Jon I wouldn't have computer up and working. I was getting kind of frantic about this assignment. I just wanted to get it done, but I just didn't have everything together. Right now I'm becoming all impressed with my typing skills. I have to look at the keyboard the entire time, but I can press the keys pretty fast. I'm quite pleased. On Saturday I'm going out to one of my family's lake houses. It's on Lake Austin, and they are about to sell it which makes me pretty sad. I love that place mainly cause it is so unique to have a place like that to go to. It's sad because I didn't realize how lucky I was to have that so I didn't always go when I had the chance and it's so nice and peaceful. There's another lake house on Lake Travis and I really o prefer that one, but I'd rather them not sell either one. People are like protesting the sell of this property because we're selling it to developers, and that makes all of the neighbors angry. I can understand that, but I have no part in the decision making. But at least for part of this weekend I won't be stuck eating crappy Jester food. I think I'm almost to tw4enty minutes, and I kind of feel bad because I don't feel like I just wrote what came to mind. It seems planned for some reason, UT I never paused this whole time, I just kept typing and would always seem to come up with something to say, well I guess it's good-bye until my next assignment, but now I'm wondering if my assignment is as long as everyone else's. Maybe I type slower than them and maybe it hasn't quite been twenty minutes. I can't exactly remember when I actually started this, but I kind of do need to go because I have plenty of Calculus homework to do. It's not like you're even going to read this, but I'm still kind of nervous. oh well, I'm going to say I'm done now.
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it was an awesome meal went to Chuys. the best chicken enchiladas I have ever had. my friend jay came to visit out of the clear blue. just showed up at my door today. I was pretty excited about seeing him. I really miss san Antonio. I miss my family a lot. talked to my mom today. she says how much they all miss me there and how empty the house is without me. whatever. I'm the one in a claustrophobic dorm room living with a complete stranger. at least they still have each other. I'm the one on my own. don't get me wrong, I love the freedom of living on my own, it's just a little bit hard to make the transition at first. especially if you're as close to your family as I am. all of my really close friends are at a&m. that's weird. my two best friends from the first grade(we all used to live on the same street)go to school there and complain that they miss me. at least they are together. I have a lot of friends here and a lot of people I know(I never run out of things to do)but it just isn't the same. don't have that bond with other friends. oh, well. make new friends but keep the old. I met a really cool girl the other day. she's in my RTF class. man, that class is so huge 500 people! I'm so worried about doing well in that class cause it's my major and I really want to make an a in there. the TA said that none of us would do as well as we think we will on the first test. great. that makes me feel good about it. it is really interesting, though. I hope I picked the right major, though. it's such a competitive field. I want to do really well. not just push a camera around for big stars for the rest of my life. I want to be one of the big stars. that would be a dream come true. wow. I don't even really know what I want to do with my degree yet. sometimes I think that that's cool and that I'm only 18 and I don't need to know all of that stuff just yet. then again, I'm in school and my parents are paying a lot of money for my education. I don't want to disappoint them and become one of those drifters who can't decide what they want to do until they have already been in college for like, ten years and by then they're too old to get a really awesome job anyway cause all the younger, smarter kids are getting them first. that would not be good. then I think, I'm dwelling on it entirely too much and I should just enjoy college, get the education I came here for and get on with my life. just sort of go with the flow. I don't normally stress out, but when I sit alone and actually think about it for a while, it all becomes sort of scary. you know, where I am in life. where I am going. where am I going? that's the hard part(and it's sort of exciting)is not knowing the future. not knowing what is going to happen from day to day. we just take life as it comes. I have a class at nine in the morning . it is so freaking hard to wake up for that class every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I'm really proud of myself cause I haven't missed a single day of class yet. a lot of people I know have been skipping out. it's so easy to do. but not me. even when it was pouring rain outside, I still went to class. soaking wet. I'm so concerned about doing well.
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Two people, both human in their thoughts--both flattering and otherwise--probably can tell what the other might be thinking yet they refuse oh, fuck it, this is a boring fucking topic, let's move on. She flew in front of the rushing, in front of the huge tidal wave that sucked up the ocean and spat it out like a great hydrant unleashed. Everywhere were sparks of water drops, falling all around as if the sky had let some of its most prized stars fall to the earth for a short while. Pumping harder and faster in and out of the water like the wheels of a railroad made of air and invisible fire that could burn. So quickly was the pumping that the body never knew exactly when it was in water or air but letting the mind rest so that it didn't have to think about the possibility of its limbo state. Higher, faster, higher, faster, stretch, stretch, stretching for something with the next heave. Perhaps beyond this star-surrounded existence there was something more, something past the huge roaring of a thousand waves chasing. If the body could just stretch a little more, jump higher, breath with the vigor that said "what's next?". something might answer back. The sun would set itself on the sheet of a mirror made of those drops of stars and welcome the body and the attached mind into the core of-- of what? Faster still, plunge, plunge, plunge to the rhythm of the thousand and one gadgets held somewhere between the awkward wave machine and the diving body. Maybe the answer was somewhere behind the body, maybe if it would just stop long enough the gadgets would swallow it up, the flat cold would open its innards and let the body know that all the time what it was leading was the salvation, the euphoric "YES!" it was looking for. But too much of a chance, the gadgets were probably chasing after the sun just like the body was. If not then why was it always following the dolphin forward. The dolphin continued its unceasing breath. Felt the crash, the massage, the spank, the kiss of the sea as it plunged under once again. Where was the sun? Why didn't it show itself? Faster, faster, enjoying to the fullest the sound of a thousand gidgets singing in a rhapsody of mixed chorus like the sound of the wind against the leaves and sand of those strange dry places where creatures coo and lie in the sun. Chasing the sun; if only the dolphin could call it. The dolphin was sure it didn't see it now. A few bleating cries, mixed with loneliness and bittersweet joy, the loneliness from being just behind the gears that all shared in their lives together and worked as if one, the joy of those drops, those thousand, star-filled drops that seemed too beautiful and quick to stay on the mirror waves long. The joy too, of feeling the waves rush up and pull and then give and pull and give all the while trying to stay just above, just beyond, further and further away if only to KNOW. For if life chasing the sun proved this-- this-- MUCH; this fullness that almost filled the body and the attached mind until it could almost hold no more except for that damn persistent hole that often slid part of the fullness down, then can one imagine what life in the sun might prove to be? Bathed in the stars that only manage to peek out every once in a while in the disguise of sea foam? Full of that diving feeling without having to take rushed breath? Part of those lucky gadgets that can never envision loneliness because they are constantly surrounded by the humming that they make together in chorus? The sun is slipping now, disappearing too quickly, lungs almost tear in the attempt to keep up, tail flipping sporadically, waves going by so fast they feel like hot coals searing the flesh. No, no, no, NO! Gone now, a last sliver to leave in the mind of the dolphin to remind the body tomorrow, if the sun comes down to gather up its star-drops, of how close it came and how one day it would find a shortcut, a way to escape the in between limbo that held just enough splendor to incite the imagination. Deeper now and beside the humming gadgets who now are singing a softer chorus, like the cluck-cluck of a mother to child to soothe it to bed. This was the best part of the day, the calmness afterward, the coolness, the memories and the dreams. "Hey dad?" "Yeah?" "Why do dolphins swim in front of ships?" "Hmm, I dunno'" "They're beautiful, huh?" "Yeah, they sure are. " "I love the way the sun reflects off their skin. " "Yep. "
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This is kind of difficult to do, because I am still in school mode, and it is hard to just right anything because I am trying to make it acceptable to a professor but I am doing my best to keep righting continuously for twenty minutes, I guess we supposed to just right what were thinking about right now, so I will tell you, I am kind of hungry and I wonder if the cafeteria is open downstairs because I am to cheap to go out and buy my own food, michael Jackson is kind of scary don't you think, the way his nose just kind of pokes out at you is really weird and sometimes I shudder when I see pictures of him, but I am working on getting over that right now and hopefully I will be able to watch the thriller video with out breaking down into a sobbing mess I wonder why my roommates keep the room so cold, it is like an icebox in here and my toes are always freezing, I have to go stand outside on my balcony to warm them up during the day, I wonder what I will do during the winter when I can't use the sun to warm my toes I guess I will just have to buy a footbath I am excited about the video music awards coming on tonight because they are always good for a few good laughs but I have to run now so I will see you kids later
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Coincidentally I always manage to surround myself with strange characters that unfortunately seem to have no passion for life, with the exception of a few. I seem to notice that the majority of people are concerned with the trivial, the meaningless the absurd. Fitting into societal norms seems to dominate my generation. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to fulfill my existence to the maximum without leaving pout my loved one's or those who do not seem to pursue the same spiritual quest that I seem to be challenged with. The awakening of this dream has led me to search more "myself". Where should I begin? It is rare when I feel somebody is listening or understanding where I come from. These strange characters which I always seem to attract are convinced that their perspective on things is the only thing that matters and that the phenomenon of life is something one should get over, move on, think about something else like how you are going to succeed in life. I live in a dream state where the symbols of nature are constantly confronting me leaving me confounded and in awe but how do I move past that in order to fulfill and answer many of my questions which at this point are leaving me insatiable. Lately I've been paying attention to my dreams. I've noticed a pattern of dreams THAT LEAD OR SIGNAL TO A HIGHER SOURCE , BEING, STATE of consciousness. I can't contemplate the beauty, the colors, it all seems so supernatural and nobody seems to understand much least care about what they're. I've also had a couple f nightmares where I am constantly being watched and followed by a large amount of males. I guess I have difficulty and although I ashamed about this, I have a hidden fear of the male gender. I look around and I see a patriarchal world that insists on leading me to believe that everything is difficult and only the very best, the smartest will survive and coincidentally most of them happen to be men. Anger dominates this thought, all my life I've been able to pull through "waking up" has made me realize that we are in "deep shit'. I mean I walk into my college chemistry class and this beautiful blonde woman is teaching this class of about 500 people and I am in awe. Why is it so difficult to contemplate that a woman does have the innate ability to do science. This woman reminds me of myself. I am mad at myself for finding myself noticing the fact that she is female. I question how she is treated by her male dominated colleagues. Do they underestimate her, how hard does she have to work in order to prove herself, and if she were ugly would it make a difference. It is too difficult to overlook these questions I face them everyday. Constantly have to prove myself and I am sick and tired of the preconceived notions that people have about women
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I wonder if the more you study the easier it becomes to study for longer periods of time, like a muscle becomes used to extended strenuous activity. . I met this great looking girl at a frat party the other night(I am a kappa sig. )and I asked her to go to the rice game with me, she said she would, I went to her dorm too. she is really nice and amazingly beautiful. about thirty minutes ago I saw her going up the elevator with another guy, I wonder constantly what she thinks about me or if she does at all. Not that I'm upset a great deal or anything, I mean I hang out with girls all the time that are just friends, maybe he was like that with her. I hope so, don't mean to sound obsessed. I actually prayed last night for the first time in a long time, it felt good, I mean I believe in God very strongly even though I don't live the perfect Christian life by a long shot, sometimes I feel bad about praying because of what do (Namely drugs and partying). deep down I know that God wants me to talk to him all the time but its like facing a nun when you're stoned. (personal experience). like looking unto something that's holy (or perfect) and knowing that you're heart and soul aren't really of any comparison to theirs. I even asked God to help me "get" this girl I like so much. seems a bit childish in some ways, but I think he will let happen what's best for me. College has been so overwhelming so far, I just seem to keep going with what's happening in classes and my obligations to the fraternity, I think if I slowed down, and had time to think I might become a little more anxious but so far I've coped alright, I'm a pretty laid back person, not too much gets to me. the key I think to dealing with transitions like this is having good friends, I've got this girl from back home that I hang out with a lot. she is very cool and down to earth and I respect her a lot because she respects herself, and she is willing to talk about anything, sometimes more than I'm comfortable with, but she seems to know when something is into my risk side of conversation. .
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I haven't been in the mood to do any homework. I find it very hard just to sit down and study. As a Freshmen, I have found many new experiences in the past week. Finally getting my email hooked up, I received my mail that has been sitting in my inbox for about a week. My good friend from home wrote me from South West. She informed me of great news. She is having a ball at her new school. She is on the drill team, and making many new friends. Which leads me to about one o'clock yesterday(sunday). As I came home from church, I was excited to see that I had two messages all for me! :) The first one is from a friend who attends UT. The other was from my best friend, who sadly is going to another college in Wacol. We could only talk for about fifteen minutes, which wasn't enough time. However, it was long enough so I could hear all about the great time she is having with all of her new friends. Which leads me to the point that I am feeling terribly lonely. I don't mean to sound jealous of my friends good fortunes, but I am envious. See, I came to UT because I didn't want to go to A&M because my brother went there. UT and A&M were the only two schools which I applied. Truthfully, I am not too excited about coming here. However, I don't want to go to A&M. It's so secluded and a good two hours farther from home. Anyway, so I moved up here and moved into an apartment because my mom thinks dorms are too loud. So I have a roommate who is twenty and she does her own stuff and is hardly home! I am always here all by myself. I have a total of four friends up here. One of which, Heather, I spent all of my senior year bickering with because she never seemed to respect my religious views. She knows how to get under my skin. However, we are closer than any of my other friends up here. Which leads to the final three. Lindsey goes to St. Edwards, and is so homesick. She misses her boyfriend and her mother, which is understandable. Katie is a nice and wonderful, but we haven't spent too much time together, and Sandra. Sandra I've known since the seventh grade and didn't talk to her much my junior and senior years. You see her and Lindsey are best friends and they got in a fight their junior year and stopped talking, so me being the insincere person which I am takes Lindsey's side. My reasoning was because I thought Sandra was inconsiderate of others needs. You see, I had every single class with her our Sophomore year, and we kind of got tired of each other. So back to the present. I don't really know anybody, and I am bad at meeting people because I don't know what to say. Don't think I'm quite or shy because that's far from it, but I just don't know how to go up to people and strike up a conversation. Which leaves me very lonely. It's mainly my fault because I don't want to spend much time with Heather because we just know the right way to almost kill each other. Katie, who is great and there really isn't a good excuse except I don't really feel connected(is that stupid?) Lindsey, who is so homesick that she doesn't want to do anything. And Sandra, who called me yesterday just to talk. Now how nice is that? I mean, I went to Sandra's today before class, and I had fun. She's nice, not to mention beautiful, skinny, and very smart(very. ) Which I guess why I used to have bad feelings towards her. She's invited me to do stuff with her and her new friends(which she made) but I kind of want to meet my own friends. I group of new friends. Also, Lindsey the homesick one made friends too. Which is good, because she needs to be happy. However, I think it is about time for me to make some friends. Well, also I tried out for the ballet class here. It sucks! I'm so mad. There are two classes a freshmen class and an intermediate. I was stuck in the freshmen class. It is so bad. I've taken ballet for fifteen years and have been en pointe for eight. Not to mention there is no pointe here! I am not trying to sound smug, because I was far from being the best at my studio at home. But these girls are beginners, and some of the stuff we are doing is so elementary. Don't get me wrong, I was going to use this to my own benefit and work on techinque, but when the teacher stopped us in the middle of a combination, to tell us were to "place our arm on the barre" I almost died. I know where to put it. I don't need help with that. I need help with my turnout, extension, balance! NOT WITH WERE TO PUT MY ARM ON THE BARRE! Well, as you can see I am not excactly a happy camper. I'm glad I wrote this, it was fun. My fingers feel like they are going to fall off, but I'm sure I need to get used to that. Well, I'm going home this weekend to go see a ballet my company puts on. It's Peter and the Wolf. We've done it before. It's going to be cute. I was the Duck, my friend Sarah(who goes to South West) was the Bird. She was a great dancer. She was strong and very precise, she danced the lead in the Nutcracker(not Clara, but the Dew Drop) she shared it with Elizabeth who dance the Cat. Elizabeth is a beautiful dancer she has such grace. She was going to go to Oklahoma on a scholarship, but she ruptured her disc and can't dance for a year, so she stayed home. My other good friend is Ginny, she's a sophomore. She is very good because she was dancing with all of us who are two years older. So those are all of my wonderful friends in ballet. I love ballet, we also have this one dancer named Vanessa, she has extension to die for. That means her leg goes all the way to her ear. She is great. I love ballet, that makes me so happy. Well, thanks for this assignment, I'll see you in class, but I doubt you'll see me! I'll probably drop by you office sometime! I hope this makes since!
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Jesus Christ, what exactly is this showing me again? That I can't find anything better else to do than avoid going to work? Great. Oh well, that's life I suppose. I don't really think I'm a cynic, but you're the psyc here, so after your reading this, please consider that I'm a cynic only for humor, not because I hate the world or anything. You're reading the thoughts of someone who is a huge fan of people like Dennis Leary, now how can you be a fan of Dennis Leary without being a fan of cynicism? Well, what other great questions I'm I to ask during my 20 minutes? Who the hell knows. I'm listening to one of the few Beatles songs that really just nag at my thought train right now, and I can't change the damn station because I have to keep typing. Isn't this just perfect? Well, I suppose that too is just part of the assignment. I use to like this song, "Hello" I thin is the name of it. "You say goodbye, I say hello" I'm sure you know it. It just occurred to e that I'm writing to you, such that this would be a letter, well, I don't think that was supposed to be the way it was intended, you're probably looking for that in my letter you some sort of study, eh? Well, I guess chalk up one for the "he wrote this assignment like it was a letter" category. I do that sometimes I suppose. Just kind of drift off into something not quite exactly like what I'm supposed to be doing. I think it's quite alright, however. I don't see how I'll get anywhere interesting in life doing what only is 'supposed' to be done. So, I suppose. wow, I sure do say 'suppose' a lot in my head. What's that a sign of Mr. Psyc? Maybe one day, I'll be able to pull out a book and write off to people what they seem to fit into according to famous psychologists. Hopefully not though. Hopefully I'll have enough common sense to understand the person, their feelings, and my experiences will guide me to a conclusion on how to help them help themselves without any drugs or unnecessary qualification into a group that some ancient shrink made up. Wow, just in time to look at the clock, looks like I'm almost half way there. I wonder if anyone else in the class types this fast. If not, I bet mine's the longest. I seem to have a somewhat active mind, and since I'm typing fast enough to record a good deal of the thoughts I'm encountering, I should have one of the longer entrees. Not that that is a good or bad I thing, I don't *suppose* Look there, I even had time to put in those neat little asterisks to emphasize that I used the word suppose again. How cute. This thing has to be several hundred words by now. I think I think in short-blocks sometimes. I'm not to sure if that's good or bad. The advantage of short-blocks would be that I'm moving on from one thing to another associated thing pretty quickly, meaning that I'm not stagnating in my thoughts. However, a stagnation in thought can cause a nicer, deeper, if you will, reflection on the topic. Usually this allows me to get to a bit further point in the conversation with myself. I wonder what I'm going to eat for lunch. I'm really not to sure. I've got to go to work. Or at least I should. I could use the extra money. rrGeeze, I could dick those guys around so hard and they'd still ask me to come back. You have to understand that I'm pretty damn good at what I do, and my co-workers and supervisors all realize this. So, when it comes time for me to go back to school, they all say, "oh well, you're going to at least stay on par time, right, Matt?" Well, I'd really rather not stay there, I'm quite tired of their inability to do much at all properly. But, money is money, and where else am I going to find someone to pay me part-time hours (15 a week) and get $11. 25/hr for it. I don't have a degree or nothing substantial to demand a higher pay somewhere else. Just knowledge. I suppose if "Proct" was some science that not too many people about, then you wouldn't be able to get a degree in "Proct" so people would have to hire you simply on how much you knew. Well, that's the way my job is. Granted there are related fields to mine where a degree or a certification can help your resume. But not what I do specifically. So, have you guessed what my field is yet? I've given several clues. I'm now listening to the Alman Brother's song "Jessica" It's a great tune. They just jam along to it, but you can tell a piece of someone's love is in that song. I mean, someone laid a piece of their soul into he music, and when they recorded it, it carried right over into it. The kind of music where you get a chill running down your spine, and then you realize what a good mood you're in. You can have chill-sending songs that are sad, but 'I like the happy ones, they are fewer in number than the sad ones. "Jessica" is clearly about a girl, and a girl and a love that made someone very happy. I hope they enjoyed their time together though, because it sounds like the author is just reminiscing. Like it was a summer love or something a bit stronger than that. really like the idea though. Very nice all the way around. A summer love that was beautiful and both enjoyed, but for some 3rd party reason, they had to step aside and let fate take its course, and take them away from each other. It's the definition of looking back on the good times, not the bad. It's not an easy thing to do, you must admit, it takes practice to only see the good parts. But also still keep the bad parts in mind for reference. It's like a library, your memory. In proper shape, it lets you check out the good memories to take and enjoy. But the bad memories are reference only. That way you can't get too bogged down in them. Or at least that's the way I try to keep mine setup. What do you think? Probably think I'm a silly little kid trying to edge philosophy into an assignment to impress you? Not really, the thought occurred to me, but how would that help me? Besides, wouldn't be very honest now would it? Lots of rhetorical questions there, eh? Well, I've only got a few seconds left. So know that all this is straight out of my mind, and frighteningly enough, it's this active all the time. I may just be sitting somewhere, but I'm thinning away. Surely a Pscy thinks that's good, right. All done. 20 minutes right up there.
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so far this freshmen year has been a intereasting adventure if you like S&M. I came down a month early to go with my friends to go to all these fraternity parties and meet a few musicians and audio engineers I have had correspondence with since I recorded my CD. The fraternity parties weren't that great except for a Kappa Sigma one that was pretty wild. I pledged for two days before it hit me that this was a waste of time. Not that waiting in endless lines (with endless hassles) to shell out more money to this fine universtity isn't making me age before my years. I am getting use to the regamorand of rude cafeteria & accounting people and trecking to classes in BFE. I can't say it's all been bad though I did get a free T-shirt and a lot of nefty junk people shove into your hands as you try to walk by. Oh, and then there are the roads with the none existent left turns, constant construction, 30-min limit parking (when you can find it), and cops that stop you for the fun of it. I don't know if its been- oh it gives you more space well then I can continue to ramble. College is supposed to be the best years some say. I think I should of keep better stock in my highschool years. Now except for parties I live like a reclouse in my apartment doing homework for a foriegn language I don't want to learn and trying to write more music while the people above me sound like there having basketball pratice up there. I'm sure it has been atleast twenty minutes by now and if you 've read this far then you're probably ready to quit reading by now. So I'll let you off till I have to write the next one.
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I usually don't let too many things get to me because I just want to enjoy life. I think that there are a lot of interesting and wonderful things that each person is offered in their life time and I think that it is a shame if people don't take advantage of the things that they are given. At this moment, I am happy and cheerful and I don't have anything that is bothering me. It rained today and I didn't like it, but I wasn't too upset about it because I figured that we could use the rain. It also felt cool outside so the rain really didn't bother me too much. I also have a lot of homework that I need to get done, but I think that I have handled the stress very well. Even though I have many different things to do, I have tried to pace myself and organize myself as to where I have less tension in my life. I try to organize myself based on what I think is convenient and this helps me be a more efficient person, and thus causes me to stay in a pretty good mood. During the past three weeks I have often thought about the new life that I live here at UT. It is completely different from high school, and even though it has taken a lot of adjustment on my part, I am beginning to see the benefits of college and I am beginning to enjoy myself a little more. At first I was really scared about attending college. I don't think it was anything specific about college, just the whole concept of moving away from home and being without the people that I love most in my life. But, since the beginning of school, I have been able to cope with this type of anxiety a little better and I feel that even though I have left home, I have a chance to start a whole new life here at UT. I will always be able to see the people that I love and I have accepted the fact that I will be able to see them whenever I want, and this has helped me in enjoying the college life better. There aren't very many different feelings that I usually feel in a day. For the most part, I am usually in a pretty good mood and I see myself as a fun person to be around. I try not to let the little things bother me, because I see so many people who let the small things in life ruin their entire day. My philosophy is why let one bad thing ruin all the good things that you have in life. This is why I usually try not to let too many things bother me or stress me out, it just takes all the fun out of life. I think that happiness is also a choice, people who are happy choose to be happy. They don't let too many things interfere in their lives and this helps them be happy with themselves, happy with those who are around them, and happy with the lives that they live. I choose to be happy everyday, and one of my short-term goals for each day is to end the day on a happy note. I think that it is important to end each day in a happy state of mind, otherwise your gloomy mood just carries over to the next day. When I have to evaluate my feelings, I would like to think that I am in a good mood most of the time and that people are happy to be around me. I enjoy making people's lives a little bit more fun for them. Being happy is a very important aspect of my life and I think that happiness will help me achieve my goals and it will help me lead a happy and prosperous life. I hope to be happy with myself and have others around me be happy with me as well. I think that happiness brings success in your life. I think that if one is happy, then he is successful as well.
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I'm not so sure how I felt about it yet. Not that it was bad or anything, but I'm just not sure how the questions asked could lead to a better understanding of an individual. It seemed to me that questions that were asked only dealt with a couple of issues. Mostly gender, weight, and scared issues. But than again, I guess the experiments that I did this for will probably deal with those issues. I really don't know why I tried to do that survey right when I got up this morning, I just about fell asleep on the keyboard, but that's alright, I finally got through it. after it frizzed up on me 4 times. That was a little frustrating. There is something else that's really bothering me right now also. Nothing to do with school, but socially. I live in California, and hate to say it, but I am a pretty stereotypical Californian kid. I mention this because I have this burning passion for the ocean. Even most people who live in California don't feel as deeply about it as I do. I knew it was going to be hard to leave the ocean when I came to school, but I didn't want to shut myself off from new opportunities and experiences by staying close to the water. Well anyway, I really miss the ocean. Every night I try to picture the crashing waves, and feel the cool mist on an earl morning. When I walk to class I even feel it in my feet and legs. Just on their own my legs begin to surf. The same muscle motions, I guess they call it muscle memory. I can feel myself cutting up the face of a racing wave and slashing the hell out of the lip. Or just grabbing the rail of my board on a meaty left, stalling, and hear the swirl of the water and air in the tube. That's all I live for. or lived for. Texas seems to have stopped my love for a little while. No I take that back, nothing can stop my love for it, I guess Texas just got in the way for a little while. That's where my problem comes up socially. I now realize that if you're not in California, or any beach community for that matter, people just don't understand. I feel like people just view me as some tan kid that dresses a little funny, and claims he does this thing called surfing. Like I said, the perfect stereotype. I guess I wouldn't mind being a poster boy, if kids just knew how I felt. How the ocean just pulls you in, and won't let go. It's a way of life, not just a social activity. It's a culture, and it's become who I am. Not just surfing. I love it but that is only one small facet of why I love the ocean. I just fall asleep every night dreaming of all the good times I've had there. Whether it be piling into one of my friends cars at 600 in the morning for a dawn patrol session without anybody else in the water. Skateboarding down the boardwalk, trying to race the waves as they peel away. Just sitting on the sand with my good friends, talking about anything and everything at the same time. or going there alone, at night to just erase all the thoughts and bad things that happened that day, week, month , or even year. The ocean can do all of that. But people don't seem to realize that. I love Texas, well I don't know if I love Texas. but I definitely love UT, it's just that I have to sacrifice so much more that I realized that I would have to do. I came here and had to leave the biggest, most passionate part of me back home. That's hard for anyone to do regardless of what it might be. It's not that I feel like I'm viewed as an outsider here. more of a novelty, or attraction actually. But I just wish people would have the same opportunities as I did, or have. I want them to fall in love as I did. But that's impossible if you stay in Texas for a lifetime. Come to think of it, I really haven't even talked to many of my friends from back home, I think I'm going to do that today. I've been so focused on making a home for myself here, that I lost sight of the one back in SD. I'm going to make a promise to myself that I will never lose touch of what I left back home, or the people that I left. Just tuck them away as memories, fond memories as I continue to grow, and add to those memories here.
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and I feel like I'm starting to get sick, and I really feel like going home for a while and forget about everything involved with college and responsibility. oh well I'm also really sick of guys and everything that they bring about in my life. not really but they seem to confuse me a lot, especially when the one I really love is way too old for me, but he is my best friend. I can't even sleep anymore because I have so much on my mind, everything that was familiar to me in my life has been dramatically changed in a period of a couple of weeks. I miss my family not like homesick but just miss being a part of my family circle. I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere anymore. when I go home all my stuff is here and I feel like I'm missing something important in my life when I'm away from home. I am really worried about money, I have a car payment due in about a week and I feel bad taking money from my parents constantly. I am still working some in san Antonio but it gets hard to go back and forth every other weekend. but I'm worried about not working at all because I need money now more than ever. the real reason I don't want to quit working there is because my boss is like my best friend who I am madly in love with and who I have been in love with for the last 2 years. I miss him so much and if I don't work there anymore I'm afraid I won't get to see him anymore. that would be one of the worst things that could happen he makes me laugh I get mad at him but I get mad at him because I do love him. oh well obviously he is in my mind more than just about anything. I forget about him occasionally when I go out with my friends or other guys, but the minute I think I have forgotten about him. he calls. he called me 4 times this weekend, and it makes me wonder what is he thinking does he miss me as much as I miss him if I'm lucky the answer is yes, but he may just think of me as a really good friend. and maybe that is all we are meant to be I just want to get out in the open even though I'm sure he all ready knows. but I'm young I should only be thinking about school but that can be easier said than done 18 years. of my life was spent in san Antonio and I miss everything I left behind even though I am enjoying things here too I mean it is all a new experience and I like not having to really answer to anybody but myself and God. even though I completely respect my parents it was time for me to grow up and lead my own life and make all my own decisions. that is all.
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I really wanted to get that done before I went home this weekend, but I guess I will just have to try later. I am also feeling pretty excited though right now because I just finished talking to this guy that I met on Saturday night and we are supposed to get together tomorrow night. I'm excited but I'm also nervous. I'm not really sure if I like this guy or not. The actual truth is I'm not really sure if I find him attractive. When we hooked up that night we were both under the influence of alcohol, but we weren't really drunk. My friend tells me that he's cute but I just have to take another look for myself. That's kind of mean for me to say but I don't want to be going out with an ugly guy. I feel like Gods going to punish me or something for saying this but I'm sure everyone wants to be with someone that they are attractive to. This guy is really cool though. He's a theater major or a Plan 2 major. I guess his minor is theater but anyway. He's a really funny guy. We get along really well. It's odd though because the couple of times that I have talked to him I don't even feel nervous which is odd because I usually feel nervous when I'm talking to a guy for the first time. I guess this should tell me something, that he's a pretty good match for me. We just joke around like crazy and just play off of one another's comments. It's pretty awesome. I'm kind of stuck now I really don't know what to write but now something just came into mind. Before I was talking to this guy I talked to my friend from back home. She's getting married in October and I'm going to be her maid of honor. Hearing her talk about the wedding plans just freaks me out. I just can't believe. It makes me kind of sad though like as if I'm losing her to her future husband. It's not going to be the same anymore, I just can't go over to her house anymore and just chill out since she's not going to be living there anymore. To top everything out she's pregnant which is really the reason they are getting married but they really do love one another so they'll be happy. The day she found out she was pregnant was very freaky. I was there with her at her home when she took the home pregnancy test. She came into her room screaming oh my god Jennifer it's already turning pink after only a few seconds. I saw the line appear which lets you know that you are indeed pregnant. I was in complete utter shock. I was almost in tears. Once we started talking about it and how cute it's going to be I would just want to cry more. It's just weird I guess having one of your best friends get married and have a baby when we're so young. I can't wait though for her to have it so I can see it and play with the baby. Even today at the mall I went into Gap Kids and looked at baby outfits. I want to buy her some really cute outfits for the baby. The baby isn't due until April sometime but it's never to early to start looking. I'm stuck again and this time I think it's for good. Come on you can think of something. OK this is to weird I'm writing to myself on the computer telling myself to think of something. I'm almost done I have one more minute. I'm actually freaked that I actually got done with this before Sept 11 when it's due. I always wait for the last minute but I'm starting the year off good and doing thing ahead of time. I feel relief now that I'm done. Yeahh.
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Many Why's are predominant. Why do I seem to feel unwanted at times? Why do I seem to feel betrayed at times. Why do I seem to feel like a failure at times? Why do I seem to have lost a yearn for optimism? Many of these feelings come and go but many do stay implanted in my head. My head is just a constant waterfall. Tons of ideas rushing through mixing at a point which creates pandemonium. My head is a maze which produces many blocks such as this Wall, why when my mother phones me I become bored all of a sudden? I love her dearly and I know that she must be lonely with all her kids off to College. It is because she misses me and because she loves me. Why can't I make that extra effort to make her feel wanted. What can't I give her the same feeling that she makes me feel. Emotions run one-sided in her phone calls. I feel a superfluous feeling of want and she must not feel any. Corrections can be made to this but I just don't try. How can I think that I am determined to do well in college? How can I feel that I will be persistent and successful in life? If I can feel determined, persistent, and successful in these things, then why is it that I feel determined, persistent, and successful, right before I speak to my mom in order to make her feel wanted and then I fail. Is this a preview of what is to come in my future, not only with family relations but also with life experiences. Will I continue to think "I can" and will I continue to fail? How can I practice my ways to perfect them. How can I execute my feelings and my hopes. How can I make them come true. How many times do I have to continue to tell myself that this is the way its going to be or that that is the way it is going to be and in the back of my mind I know that it will never be the way that I intend it to be. Does this mean that I am a failure? What does it mean? Should it be something to worry about. Will my mother some day get "fed-up" with me. Can this defect ruin my entire life? Is it a defect? Why do I think about this stuff? Is it just conscious nature? Why all these Whys I don't know, but what I do know is that there is purpose for everything, and maybe my purpose of life was to wonder why.
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I'm really not sure what to write because I just am not feeling anything right mow but I am feeling good because I am listening to good music and that is something that will always make me feel good and I don't know why but even if I am really down music picks up and makes me feel better and I especially like to go to see live shows that is just about the only thing I really love to go out and do usually I would rather just sit at home and watch TV or listen to music. I am also feeling hungry and my roommate is making some vegetarian chili which kind of scares me because I am not really into vegetarian meals but hey I might as well eat it if he is going to make it. I am also wondering how long I have been writing because it seems like a long time but I think it has only been like ten minutes or so and I am running out of things to say. I guess could talk about this girl I am seeing. She is really cool but I don't really think I want to get involved with her in the way she wants to get involved with me, but I guess I should go out on another date before I come to that conclusion. That has been something that has been bothering me because she apparently likes me a lot, but I just don't think I like her in that way that she likes me and guess that now I am out on my own this is the first real problem I have had was dating and to tell you the truth it scares the hell out of me because when it comes to sex you never know what kind of diseases a girl might have and that scares me a lot.
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Today was pretty interesting. for a Monday. I only had two classes (Calculus and my favorite class with my favorite professor Mr. Pennebaker, who is an inspiration to me and an overall wonderful, smart, and funny guy). Do I get an A? Anyway, my friend and I are waiting until about 11 pm so we can go to Blockbuster to buy "Titanic. " Yes, we're crazy girls. Blockbuster is actually having a small Titanic party to celebrate its release. Phenonenal, huh? I think so. Wow, only four minutes have gone by. I guess I type too fast. I w I l l s l o w d o w n. My roommate just asked me if I would hate her if she turned into a lesbian. Random question, huh?! I told her "No. " She is trying out for rowing and another girl said that there are a lot of lesbians that are on the team. It grosses her out, but she's still curious and thinks it might not be that bad. I think it's perfectly normal, especially in college, to be curious about those kind of things. I am. How many movies have they made about college kids trying out new stuff? Now is the perfect time to explore our sexuality. It does bother me that she thinks she will "turn into" a lesbian without her consent. Is that even possible? I don't think it is. Some people say that you're born gay and that it's not their fault. I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't. I guess I'll just have to see what happens.
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I'm always the last one to know he said. I know the feeling. What can I do to reach you? You can know anything he said. but I didn't ask- I didn't know how. and is the offer still there? Are we ready to take it? We've passed being ready. We never had a real beginning or middle- just skipped into this end? I want to slip into reverse. Where is our beginning? Did it die when we said I love you? You make it too powerful- I make it romantic abandon. I was afraid. I think I'm losing you- and I don't know how to fight that. I'm not sure I really know what we mean. . Maybe I was wrong for holding back- but you held back too- We both did. Let us lie together and hold one another and love. I look at you. looking at me. seeming wonder- take your hat off. smile at me through the cracks in your skin. Why do I get this feeling that in the course of my life I will have to become a Queen of letting go-? . . a master. an expert- flawless mover. mask of beauty. horror. What is real? I know. got me a name- but names change. Have this face. so do they sometimes. still, here I am. can close my eyes. learn to fly. far away- To someplace where faces are real. no gunk to cover 'em. no baggage to smash 'em. I am only as free as I really want to be. As I allow myself to be- Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose- you go Janis baby- I don't remember the last time I was free. security. A face is security. can be. Lie down- daydream. sleep things off- give it time, start over. I'm so lonely. need to find someplace in myself- tap into my soul and dig out the pain. You Dwell on answers without thinking and lose yourself temporarily- What is the answer? Hey didn't you know that 42 is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? Bet on that 42- whatever 42 is. Go with it- run with- and try not to think too hard about the way you see him- the way they curve in your mind- try to fill the empty space beside you with movement- try not to stop and then you won't miss. but that's not true. The Talmud had it right- We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are. And that is the sole truth- even when we think we cannot see ourselves.
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I really miss my home town, but only because I'm not comfortable in my new surroundings. my friends seem short- lived and artificial, and my classes seem all too real and incredibly healthy. I'm constantly worrying that I'll fail and I seem to be hanging out with my thoughts too much, sometimes I feel they are a bad influence on me. I'm only happy when I'm doing something, and people tell me it's because I don't like to deal with my problems. it's true, but at this time I don't care. I have a hard time concentrating, sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I probably don't , but I like to think I do. they call that a hypochondriac right? I have a question: does believing you are a hypochondriac mean that you are suffering from something else? I hope so, petty mental problems are better that physical problems.
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my mom should be here in about 45 min are we going out to eat or will I have to wait till we get home. who will get the front seat in her car? I wonder what will be going on in temple when we get back should I go to the football game or hang out with Adam and his friends. it will be our anniversary tomorrow so I should do something with him tomorrow and go to the game tonight. my poor puppy. I really miss him I hope he doesn't shrivel up and die like my mom said sometimes to pets when their owners go away to college. he's been staying under my bed even at dinner. this must be serious. I wonder if Adam and I will stay together. I know that every time a big transition in our lives has occurred, like school starting, things have always been kind of weird. now I guess it's just the same thing. we have a lot of fun one day and then the next thing are weird. I guess that it is just us adjusting. I can't believe that Lori talked about all of the guys who have stalked her for 25 min this morning in the loudest voice possible. now the whole house knows how desirable she is. this song is annoying but if I get up and change it I won't be able to get back on my writing track. it's over now. she even brought up that guy who threw her in the trash can when she rejected him. she told us that that was back in sixth grade. I guess she is just feeling insecure and needs to tell people that others really do like her. she needs to work on her social skills. I feel sorry for Lindsey. she on the other hand seems to be doing great. I guess she bonded with the other girls during the smoke breaks. it kind of sucks that things that I don't want to do , like smoke or drink keeps me from getting closer to the other girls in the house. after all it is only the second week and I'm sure things will change. I haven't really met that many new people that I want to develop friendships with but strangely I don't even care. I like being by myself more than I used to. I guess that is normal, maybe even a defense mechanism. my mom should be here in half an hour now. I don't even really miss anything about home, except for my dog of course, probably because I distanced myself from it enough that I was even disgusted with the town in the last week. that helped. I'm glad that I can analyze my own feelings and realize why I'm having them. it helps sort things out and helps me realize that I am having normal reactions to a big transition. I hope that misty is doing alright. I can't believe that Alyson said that about her. she is so inconsiderate and self centered. she wants to hang out on Saturday but I really have no desire to see her. she has become somewhat of a slut in my opinion. twenty minutes is up it was nice talking to you Mr. computer. you should be a therapist
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I have read for classes almost all day. I can't concentrate on anything that I start to do. I will read a couple of pages, and then I will take a break, or I will do something else. I don't want to get behind, but I just am not motivated at all. I want to have all my reading done for my classes before I go to them. Everyone tells me that it will help me to understand the lectures. I don't want to be catching up all week. I want to try to get my reading assignments for next week done before I go home for Labor Day. I am excited about going home on Thursday. I don't want to have to read anything while I am there. I have not seen my friends for almost three weeks, and I will finally get to see them, not just talk to them on the phone. I don't really talk that long to people in the phone. I have only talked to my best friend three times in the two weeks that I have been here. I feel like I have been in Austin forever. I came to school early for Rush. Sometimes I wish I would not have gone through Rush. I did not get into my first choice sorority, but I got into one with really nice girls. I don't know whether this is something that I want to do anymore. I don't even know if I can get out of it. I just can't wait to go home where life is normal. I just want things to be like they have been all of my life. In the past two weeks, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't feel like I have to stay here. I feel like in the next few weeks this will all be over and I will go back home where I have always been. I do enjoy my classes. Right now, they do not seem to hard, but I am sure they will get much harder. I only know one person (at the most) in my classes. I feel like I do not have any friends. I meet all kinds of different people, but I would not consider them my friends. Even some of my high school friends are not my friends any more. My best friend all through high school is the only person that I still talk to. I dated my other best friend during high school, and we were finally becoming friends again after breaking up, and then it was time to leave. Now, I find out that he was lying to me about almost everything. I don't understand why he could not tell me the truth. It is not like I care who he dates, but it would be nice to hear it from him, and not from other people. I don't know about other people. All this makes me question all the people who I thought were my friends. I just feel like everything is spinning out of control, and I can't do anything to stop it. I would really like to feel settled here. I want to feel like this is my home. I know that it will take time. I just wish time would elapse quickly. I think things will get a lot better once I get into sorority and school a little more.
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what am I ganna do ? psychology, freshman seminar, all I can do is smoke a cigarette. gosh, am I really ganna get cancer? I hear that every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your life. my hair is getting long. I wish I could have long hair like Rapunzel. the blonde lady on the wallpaper of my old house. in the guest bathroom. she sat on an elephant. surrounded by trees and shrubbery. god how I used to want to be that lady. I remember as a little girl standing in that bathroom, staring at the wall and at myself in the mirror. where does time go? am I ganna be able to pull off this college business? a computer that is so stubborn. I have no clue how to use computers! I wish I was in all writing classes. I have so much homework. how am I ganna get into the school of communications? do I want to be an english major? gees! 10 hours at the sorority house a week! I wonder if I'll be able to concentrate there. the sound of the paper on my cigarette burning as I inhale. that sketches me out. I need to quit. I need to study. so, there was the door. I got a ticket to the game. what game? I have no clue! football? basketball? I have no clue! I need to get my act together. damn, I'm out of cigerettes. the food downstairs makes me nautious. I wonder if anyone reads this. hello, my name is natalie, my friends call me nat. there are 2 of us. nat berg and nat lep. pronounced "leap". both h-town girls. this floor is hard. scratchy, dirty, blue-gray carpet. we had a roach last night. julie is allergic to roaches. that was dad on the phone. sounds kind of pissed. we are going to los angeles for Rosh Hashana. Daniel is there. I can't believe he has mono. that is crazy. he decieded to rush. there is only one jewish fraturnity there. it is so diferent there. beautiful weather. I hate the winter. I hope by then I'll feel better about my classes. I'm so scared. so scared. maybe everyone feels overwhelmed. ut is so huge. how am I supposed to make good grades? I don't even know how to get to class. I'm ganna die.
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I don't know how other people (freshmen) are coping with this new transition from high school to college; I feel stress out. Hmm. maybe I'm not so completely at ease like I had claimed earlier. I suppose that I am at ease at this moment is because I don't have any class to go to for hours, and that I think I am at ease right now, is because this is the second week of classes. However, I'm still stress, very much so. (I feel like I'm rambling on and on here. ) I am so very much relief that I have done the pretesting to get one credit hour of the research experiments. I like to try to do things ahead of time so that I won't be in any jams later on. Besides, what with the way my schedule is set, I have to budget my time wisely. Moreover, I am worried that I won't be able to get high grades as I did when I was in high school. Everything in college is so very different and challenging. Sometimes, I feel as if I can't keep up with other people. I admire those people who seems to have everything in control and makes everything so easy to them. I just can't do that. I'm the type that has to put in "extra work" so that I can keep up with them. I'm not saying that I'm stupid, gosh no! I believe that everyone is unique in their own little ways. Hmmm. there is one thing, rather, one small minor fear that I just can't seem to overcome: fear of animals, especially dogs. Well, I took the pretest and in there, it had asked me questions about animal phobia. I really want to know what these fears mean, which brings me to another thought. I always have questions, such questions that are so detailed some people called it "stupid questions. " I always find myself having questions about everything. I guess I'm just a curious person. Hmmmm. I guess this is enough typing for this assignment. I can't think of anything else to write about. Who ever is doing the reading on this writing assignment, I'm sorry it isn't anything that is as exciting as you'll like it to be.
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I have not been feelling well, and my throat is bothering me. I am about to go sit in on a freshman seminar class that my cousin took last year and recommended to me. It was full though, so I signed up for another freshamn seminar calss titled "Introducion to Italian Culture," but I dropped it this morning, because I think it is so irrelevant to anything I am interested in, and I am already feeling overwhelmed by my other classes alone. I was signed up to take 15 hours, but since I droppped that seminar, I now have only 12 hours. Anyway, I am going to try and add this other freshman seminar which is "Interior Design. " I'm sure that the professor won't let me in, since it is already full, but I just thought that is worth a shot. I am sitting in my dorm, Hardin House, right now, and I just figured out how to use their computers here. I did not bring my own computer, so I am having to use the computers here. I still do not know how to check my email yet, though. I just figured out how to be able and send email from here. My roommate does have a computer, but I can tell that she would prefer it if I didn't use her's, so I respect that. She has been a pretty good roommate, though, all in all. We knew each other from high school, and we are fairly good friends. I was initially sort of worried about how it would work out, but I think taht it will work out fine. One of my best friends is here, also, but we decided not to room together, because we thought that it might hurt our friendship. She is the one who I am going with to the freshman seminar calss to sit in. She got into that class. Anyway, in the dorm that I am living in, there are two parts across the street from each other. Stacy, the one who is my best friend, lives across the street. The part that I live in is bigger, but I kind of wish that I lived in the other part. The people that I live with seem to be a little bit snobbier or more reserved or something. Oh well, I'm over across the street a lot, so I guess it doesn't really matter all taht much. I am so excited that R. U. F. is starting tonight. It is a bible study that I am going to go to. I've heard that it is so good, and you meet so many neat peoiple there. I miss all of the Christian based things that I went to bakc at home. I used to go to Campus Life, which was really laid back and fun, which was offered through my high school. I also wen tto a smaller bible study once a week which was led by a lady who is now one of my good friends. She is not much older than I am, so she can relate really well to all the stuff that I go through. Not taht I have any major problems or anything, but just all of the normal stuff. Speaking of problems, I did get really homesick the other day. Obviously, I guess you can tell that I am a freshman. Anyway, I got sick , adn any time I am sick I always want my mom there to go get me medicine, and take my temperature, and make me soup, and stuff like that. But, I managed just fine. I went to the health center and saw the doctor, and got a prescription and I am feeling much better today. I still am really tired though. I think that might have been why I got sick in the first place, was lack of sleep. Well, I have finished the twenty minutes, but I'm sure taht this is horribly written, but I guess it doesn;'t matter.
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I tried to clam her down before talking to her about what was wrong. When I finally got a complete sentence out of her she told me that a girl who I was friends with, well we weren't like best friends or anything, but I had two classes with her and talked to her everyday, had been killed in a car accident earlier that day. I sat there for a second not even realizing what she was saying. When I got off the phone I went to my mom and told her very matter-of-factly what had happened. The next day I went to school not knowing what to expect, but after having been in class for only a short while and hearing my teachers and principal attempting to explain what happened and try and calm everyone down I was bawling. That's when it hit me, I just didn't understand it. Walking into the classrooms which I had shared with her only the day before was the weirdest feeling, I could see my other classmates in the hall and as they reached the classroom, some screamed, some wept and some just turned and walked away very quickly. The following days were exhausting, I don't think I had every cried that much in my life. I couldn't be at home alone, I don't know what I was afraid of, except just having time to think about it. Despite the hurting that I and the others that knew her felt, I was happy for her. She was in a better place, she was an awesome person and I have no doubt that she is in Heaven now. The funeral was huge it felt like our entire school was there. Her closest friends, including her boyfriend who was driving the car that day, all got up and told funny stories about her and how awesome she really was, that was comforting, but also extremely hard to listen to. At the intersection where she was killed people gathered at all hours of the day and night, it was a very saddening sight to see all of her friends just staring at the cross surrounded by flowers, her favorite candy and pictures, which still stands there. When I went to the cross all I could do was stare at the street and the markings which the police had made only a short time before. After the funeral I only went to her grave once and that was after attending my neighbors funeral, they were buried practically next to each other. It was all I could do to keep my attention on the service. When the time had finally come for my to walk over to her spot, I was fine until I faced it directly and saw her picture laying among the flowers and notes everyone had left. I lost it, I almost fell, but my sister caught me. I was a mess. I wrote her countless letters that never made it to the cross or to the site, but I know she knows how I feel and that comforts me. I pray for her family and close friends all the time, it was hard enough for me I can't imagine what it was like for them.
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I feel a bit stressed due to the fact that my first three tests are all next week. What will they be like? Will I do well? Or, will I enter the large classroom, with a crowd of students all cramming in the information for those last final moments before the test and freeze after spending countless hours preparing. The new environment is wonderful, however many changes come along with it. The first test of the year, the first test at college. Each exam seems to have much more bearing upon your grades than in the past. Some thoughts about how I'm going to go about studying have crossed my mind over the past few days. These hours have most likely been wasted, as I could have been studying or reading material which will be covered on my tests. However, this is not quite the way I always function. I often tend to spend too much time worrying about how I will go about doing something, rather than just doing it. Anyway, I spent a couple of hours studying today and I have figured out what time of each of my days between now and Wednesday, and how each precious moment will be spent. I'm sure it will all work out, but until these first three tests are finished, I know that some time will be spent worrying about how the final result turn out. Those are just some thoughts about school which are probably quite typical of a freshman. It's strange to come from the top, back down to a little freshman. It appears that quite a few people have decreased their level of maturity back down to a freshman in high school. A girl I know walked back into her room last night to find her pictures colored on and holes punched in her eyes. Seems a bit disturbing, doesn't it? There's always the issue of talking to a boy and everyone assuming that your "going steady. " It's difficult to even go to someone's room of the opposite sex without everyone assuming that you must have been doing something rather than talking. I guess everything, with time will pass. I'm really enjoying the transition, for the most part. It's strange to not see some of my best friends, but this is all part of growing up (Not to sound hokey). So far, it's been lots of fun and a time of many changes. I'm eager to see what lies in the future and continue to make new friends.
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Okay the way my mind works. Well at the present moment many things are running through my head. Everyday I think of the same things over and over again until I get them resolved. My mind worries a lot. Right now I hope that I get all of my assignments done including this one, and that I do them well. My main concern right now is doing well in all of my classes. I'm so scared that I am not going to do well here and that I am going to have to drop out and go back home. Then I won't get as good as an education that I hoped for, which will inturn will prevent me from getting into any good law school. Then I won't get a good job, so I can't support myself much less a family, and I wind up a bum for the rest of my life. It's amazing how the littlest things have the biggest affect on something. Actuallly, I was just thinking, I hope that my parents will even have the money to pay for my education. If I can't do that than I don't even have to worry about any of this, because I won't be going here at all. I miss my family. For eighteen years I have never been apart from any member of my immediate family. I don't know how I have survived the last two weeks without them. I miss my Mother especially. Yesterday, I left home again because I went back for the weekend, and I felt as if I were leaving for the first time. The same feelings overcame as they did when I first left her. I wanted to cry. I want to cry now just talking about all of this, but I won't. I tend to do that a lot. Hide my emotions. I guess I just figure that by hiding them, I am not as vulnerable to other people as I would be if I were to actually show them. I just realized how incredibly slow I am at typing because twenty minutes have just passed since I began this writting assignment. So on that note I will end my writting entry.
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Looking at this assignment I'm trying to think freely but it is constantly in my mine that I want a good grade. Like every other student, I don't like doing homework but I writing so it is okay. I have been writing papers all day because the teachers have been craming us with homework all weekend because od a long weekend. I know I should have done this earlier but I am a procrastinator and I often wait until the last minute. I am slowly changing that habit because I know I can't procrastinate if I want to do good in school. My feelings towards this paper is kind of wierd because I don't know what I am suppose to be feeling. I am just writing what comes to my mind. Honestly I don't even understand the topic. All I know is that I'm suppose to write non stop for twenty minutes and put down anything that comes to my mind. I know this has nothing to do with school but I keep thinking about my girlfriend back in houston. I was suppose to see her this weekend but her parents wouldn't let her come up to Austin. It is okay because I know I'll see her next weekend. I was going to write this earlier like on Friday but my friends came to visit me and stayed here for the weekend so I didn't find time to write this assignment. So far I like the class because it is the only one that interests me. all my other classes are boring. The is the only class that I enjoy the lectures in. I'm not saying this just to make the professor happy. I'm saying this because I mean it. I am running out of things to write about because nothing is coming up to mind right now. Oh yeah, I think the experiments are a good idea because the students get to do something fun in order to earn their grade. I thought about writing the research papper because I think that might be easier but I think the experiments would be funner. I have met some people in class and they seem to be pretty nice. I also met some of my friends that I already knew who came here from houston just like me. I have no idea what this writing is for nut since the teacher ask us to do it I am. I don't know how long I have been writing because things have been just coming into my mind. I thought I would be watching the time a lot but it is suprising me that I am not. I just keep writing until I don't know what else to write. Well things are starting to stop coming into my mind. All I am thinking about is how I can make this paper keep going longer without me having to stop. Will I think my feelings for the past twenty minutes have been exciting, anxious, lost, suprise, and not understanding. This has been a interesting paper because I have no idea what I have been writing. Well I guess ill push the submit button now.
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Why do I always analyze things to the point that I completely stress myself out about it? I find myself doing this time and time again. I feel stupid, I can't believe that I let Jaime set me up on a date with someone that I don't even know. To top that, I barely know her. What was I thinking? The way that she is talking, he is the most gorgeous guy she's ever seen; however, I am really scared that I am going to be really let down. I know that sounds really negative, but I guess it sounds too good to be true. It doesn't make sense to me how this whole thing works anyways. Your sorority tells you about a party that they are having, giving you only two days notice to find a date. To me that is completely weird. I just don't have the guts to go up to some random guy and ask him to go to something that I'm not even sure will be fun myself. Oh well, it will all work out. Now, on the other hand, I'm all about going to the pledge line tomorrow. I couldn't believe that someone asked me. It made me feel so good inside to know that I was one of the few girls to get asked! I don't know what my problem is; it just seems like I can't stop thinking about how much weight I think that I need to lose. It seems to be the only thing that I think about any more, and I don't know why. I don't think that there is anything wrong with me, but then again, maybe there is . You never can tell any more. All I know is that there are so many things going on and not enough time. I wish that my body wouldn't go through such big "swings". One minute I am bursting with energy, and the next I can't even keep my eyes open. It is as if a person is holding onto my heels and making me drag them for hours on end. After dragging them for so long, you just can't drag any more. This tiredness that sweeps over me comes frequently throughout the day, but , without fail, it comes each day between 2pm and 5pm. I want to be like others that are comstantly energetic, skinny, and seem to get everthing done with no problems at all. I guess that is only a perception in my mind that only sees things from the outside instead of how they really are. Does that make sense? Why can't there be more hours in the day. I feel like ever since I have gotten here, all the time in my day has flown by, and comtinues to fly by without even slowing down. Which is fine with me as long as I don't leace things that are really important to me out. Unfortunately, this is what I have been forced to do because I my new schedule. Before I came to school, I worked out daily so that I could relieve all of my stess, and feel good all at the same time. Now I can't even find time to get to class--much less work out. I wonder how Nolan is. Is such a sweet little boy. Ever since he was born I have loved those kids, and had a compassion for them that no one else could ever have. I can't believe that Catrina came up to me and asked me about Ryan Murphy the other day. I mean talk about digging up painful things that have already been buried!! Whenever she said something, every bit of hurt and anger inside of me came back like it was just yesterday that it had happened. I need to put it past, and forgive and forget. That is at least what I know I am supposed to do, but it is so hard! Why do I get attached to people so easily? That is one thing even I will never know.
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the computer is not very easy for me type on I would never say anything because me dad bought it for me I love my dad. he really got the shaft at work elaine is a horrible person. mom is so protective of dad its only been two minutes I wonder if I can think for twenty minutes I bet I do all the time and don't even notice, this is hard because I think about more than o ne thing at once and they aren;t really complete thoughts just flashes in my haed but I know what thay mean. I should have taken a typing class in high school. the sky has really pretty simpson clouds I wonder what I have to do in all my classes am I doing thi right I need to be more organized I've been thinking about being organized all day I can't stop thinking about the living room curtains and a file box for my papers. maybe 15 it too many hours I hope I go to bio this chair really bugs me because it doesn't fit un der the desk. I should buy a different one I don't think I have enough money for all this stuff. where am I going to get money. maybe I should have gotten a job instead of taking another class I was thinking of something and now I forgot it. I wonder if adam and I will get married he would be scared if he knew I said that I sound like a stupid teen ager out of the 50's when I say that. I would marry him if I had to though I think I probably do really love him I dn't get sick of him I could be with him all day and I don't even notice I hope nothing bad happens even for a while my parents made it through college but they had a few fallouts. I hope we just marrily make it along untill we're old and gray but I know how nieve that is. did I spell nieve right I wish I had a better spelling sense I guess I could blame it all on my first grade teacher but that seems silly. my room mate came in I hope we are good friends. I really like her but I don't know how to make friends with people. I wonder why I can be friends with kids and poeple I don't think are important but its hard for me to be friends with people I like and want to be friends with. I fell like I'm coming on too strong but then I hold back and they think I don't like them. also people told me I'm not very approachable. I guess thats good because I don't like when random guy come up to me. I don't know how to get out of it without being really rude. cheryl is so perfect she can do what she wants and she is always so polite. tricia was like that too. I wish I was in 8th grade again for a day. whenever I think of middle school I get kind of queasy and real mad at my mom what a horrible time. I couldn't even get within a certian field of the house or I would sense a horrible aura. when I had to go I would force my self and run to my room and be a nasty depressed person. on day the church lady cought me running to the creek and I think she was genuinally concerned.
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I got back yesterdayform Miami , from my cousins wedding. it was agreat. we parited so hard I think I have to fo into detox for a while. it sucks because now I'm back at school and its time to study and get the grades. mami and pai keep telling me I have to do good but as if I ddnt lknow that already. they think that I'm some kind of schmuck who doent know what he is doing. i mean I'm nineteen years old , I'm in college they would at least trust me a little b\it to do good. its actuallty funny the fact that they worry more about the way I'm keeping my room than my grades. i like her. Rachel she's cool and I'm enjoying myself while I'm with her. but shes going through a ha\rd tiome right now , I shouldnt butt in . its not my place. let things pass and then go in for the kill. I want to party tonight. this sucks. i ve to go to the frat tonight and then study. tomorrow, I have to do assighnment two of the class. i like how these things are and how they only take twenty minutes. never in my life would I have thought it be like this. i ts funny their is a vaccuum goiing on outside but since I don't necessarily have to concentrate it doesn't bother me . I just keep writing and writing. I more worried a boput the spelling and grammer than what I actually writing about. i hope my brother is doing good. he got so trashed onfriday and saturday and hten at the weeding sunday I thinnk que estamos en las mismas. i miss home. but not hta much . yesterday I was htinking that I now consider Austin my home becasue my dad offered me to go home after the wedding and miss a couple of days from school butI had no desire to. i have to call Molly and Jeremy tonight before Jer. leaves to umass. wow, I still can't believe that I was in Israel for one year. and now I'm at Texas the one University that I really wanted to go to and I'm siotting in Yoav's rooom after the year we spent togther and I'm actually having a good time. i love it here. Its quite in these dorms not like mine. the girls are coming around. i'm meeting more and more people everyday and today we going to party . probably not but that would have been hella cool. I can't believe I'm at texas. call jesse. for Rosh Hashana. My mouyth is dry I wish Yoav would just get me a drink. I wish I could telepathically tell him that I wanted some water. it seems so stupid whyat I'm writing about. but the Prof knows what he's doing or he's making look like idiot. Ha , five hundred plus people being taken for schmucks that s pretty funny except for me cause I know whats up[. i think so. What now. I feel like I'm at a blank but I just keep thinking about stufff. weird. I didnt know thaqt so many things pass horugh my mind at this type of speed I can hardly tp fast enough, my hands are getting tired. ouch that hurts. Shut up out hteir I'm working here. Ha Ha I jsut thought that abnd it didnt come out of my mouth. I like who I am this is fumn. i wonder wha6t the future has ins tored for me I hope I'm successfule. i will be successful;. what else the timwe is ticking and I just killing it. i should be a rapper. Or a country singer that be cool the first Puerto Rican counrty singer in the world . ladies and Gentelemn . mr. Daniel Wagner. ANd the crowd goes wild. what the time 4:06 I have four more minutes but I have the uregeto keep on wrtiung Jeremy always said wrting was good for the mind. i feel like a burden of whats going on in my life has been lifeted. i'm going to start doing this every day just to make me uhjnstress. what a schmuck. perfectionist. hes cleaning his room that s all he aever does. even in Israel. its not bad but obsessive yes. i think extremes are bad. 2 minutes and conting. breath Danny Breath . G-df I'm exausted. I fell like I'm not breathing fast enough to go with writing I'm kinda light headed . its as if I was relly tired
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Hmmm, I am eating a Chupa Chup lollipop right now. It is really good. I don't know what to write because I am trying to just think and when I do that I think about thinking and well, I'm not exactly making sense, but it doesn't work. I am tired. Look at that phone book. Wow. My roomate is blow drying her hair. There is a meeting tonight and she is running for something. I don't know what. Historian, I think. My mom was so mean to me last night. I try to tell her things about my life and she says she doesn't want to know. She does, she's just afraid of what I'll tell her. I'm a good person. I haven't done anything bad. She just doesn't want to know that I have a boyfriend. But, I think she does. She probably doesn't like the guy because he's Mexican. That's stupid. How can a person limit thier options of people to love to just those in their race? If I didn't think being gay was disgusting, I would say it made sense. Why limit your options to people of the opposite sex? That's silly. But, I'm not attracted to women, so I don't leave women as opption though. Sometimes I think I don't want to get married. There are so many people getting divorces. I don't want to get divorced. I wish I were a man. They have it so much better. They don't get a period. They don't have to go through labor. Now labor is something that is very special and in a way I think it's very cool that I can experience it, but when I took a child development class in high school it really scared me. I don't think I'd make a very good mother anyway. At least, I'm afriad I wouldn't. But back to why I wish I were a man. Men can pee while standing. Not fair. And they don't even have to take their pants down. Again, not fair. Men get wrinkles, they are distinguished. Women get wrinkles, they are old. Men get in a fight, they are just releasing that testosterone. Boys will be boys. Women get in a fight. Bitches. Men sleep around and they are considered studs. Women sleep around and they are called sluts. Not fair. Of course, no one ever told me life would be fair. Men and women are not created equal. I don't really want to be a man. I'm accustomed to being a woman. Well, I'm not a woman. I'm still a girl. I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys r us kid. There's a million toys at toys r us that I can play with. From bikes to games to video games, it's the biggest toy store there is! I don't want to grow up cause baby if I did, I couldn't be a toys r us kid! I really don't want to grow up yet. My my observations, adults generally have very little fun. Adults are always stressed out. I find myself stressing and getting very tense about things. I must be careful about that. I think it's important to stay young at heart. There are times to in which people must be serious, and that's important, but it's also important that people know when to let go and smile. I love college. I thought I would be so homesick when I came here, but I'm not at all. I love it here. I feel so comfortable here and I don't want to go home. I love my parents and the rest of my family, and I guess I miss them sort of, but I'm not homesick. I love Austin. I want to stay here forever. Well, not forever. I want to get out of this country. I want to go everywhere. I would go anywhere I had the oppportunity to go. I don't care where. I want to go everywhere and learn everything. I hope I never lose that feeling. I hope when I am an old woman that I will still be hungry for knowledge. I know that I will never be able to learn everything there is to learn, but I'm going to give it my best shot. It's funny, I look out my window and the sky is so beautiful, but there are all these buildings that are contradictory to the beauty of the sky and nature. If I do live in a big city like Austin, I hope I will be able to go somewhere like Colorado, where I can get back to nature. I think that's important. I don't think I want to live in a big town though, if I have children. I want to raise children in a small town. Not my home town though. The people there are extremely narrow minded and they think the would revolves around that little town. No culture. I wonder where I will live when I am older.
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Right now, I am very busy. I am very preoccupied by trying to balance my academic studies with my social life. Joining a fraternity is a very difficult thing to do, as it entails choosing a group of people who are most like you, in that they share common ideals and interests. Outside of my world at the University of Texas, I am also struglling to maintain a long distance relationship with the woman who could possibly grow to become my wife. She attends the University of Alabama, and she is also an incoming freshman. However, my troubles are very different than hers. Yes, she joined a serority, but the Greek process that involves women is wholly differnt than the one concerning men. But what is important is that she has already become an active member of a serority, a serority in which she already grown a liking to many active members. I, on the other hand, have just begun my process of joining a fraternity, and is not only stressful but very intimidating. In my opinion, older men are simply more imtimidating and less likely to accept new members than older women. This process of distancing ourselves from each other and the process pf maing new friends, indpendenet of one another, has taken its toll on the quality of our relationship. We often argue, our telephone conversations are usually brief and superficial, and we lack a common ground on which to converse. I am worried than our relationship will not withstand the tests of time and distance, which is the most bothersome thing of all. My feelings for her are still intense, yet they no longer stand forefront in my mind. Now, I have other academic as well as social predicaments to fill uo my time. I worry that she is experiencing the same phenomenon. In addition, I am thinking of how alone I feel in this problem. My roomate does share a similar experience, and I can subsequently not look to him for guidance or advice. I don't want my feelings tp change towards Christel, but I fear that they will, and we will eventually encounter a mutual break-up, but one after which we cannot remain friends. Digressing on a tangent, I can stare out my window as I type this essay, a look out onto the hiils of Austin. Coming from Dallas, I have grown to appreciate Austin's attractive landscape. It hills, its sunsets, and other natural phenomenons sometimes offer a sense of peace during such a hectic time. My roomate is always creating some kind of noise. As I sit here and try to complete this assignment, he is playing a game of football on the Sony Playstation. Does he not have homework to do? I don't know, I guess that it bothers me sometimes that I feel and seem so busy when those around me seem carefree and happy. Will I ever feel completely happy again? In the near future? It's not that I'm depressed or willing to let go of Christel to free myself of these "troubles," it's just that I want all the things that trouble me to merge into one moment of happiness, during whcih all things just "click together. " Too optimistic, I know. That'slife, I know, but I can still wish that things could be different. I never tyhought I'd say this, butit feels good to attack this assignment. In a sense, it's profoundly fulfilling to articulate your troubles as you feel them. I guess sometimes it's easier to realize the way you feel when you struggle to put it into words. But, I've still got troubles. God, I sound depressed, but the fact of the matter is that I am actually having a pretty good time. I have made friends, and I relaize that, given time, all of my problems will work themselves out. I truly believe that unhappiness is a temporary sentiment, as happiness is the underlying emotion in every situation. Damn, I've got to wake up early tomorrow. I wish it was like that, but, as most people would say, that's life! My twenty minutes is almost up, and I really feel better for having articulated some of unshared and unresoved conflicts.
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It is hard to put thoughts and feelings into words. The air conditioner is blowing on me, giving me goose bumps. My stomach has felt bad all day, I took Pepto Bismol an hour ago but it hasn't seemed to help. I'm tired, and it's only 10:00. This house is always so messy, I wish Bryan would help me keep it clean. I'm going to start doing better. The picture of Deban on my desk is so bad, she would die if she saw it. What am I going to wear tomorrow? I don't want to have to wake up early. I have to wake up at 9, I guess that isn't that early. I had so much fun at my family reunion. I miss my family even though I just saw them 2 days ago. Some woman on the TV was trying to kill her kid, Kathy Bush wanted to kill her daughter? The news is so horrible. It's rediculous what goes on in our country every day. I think more people should be executed. The government spends way too much money on keeping people in jail and on death row. If someone is found guilty for intentjionally killing someone or trying to should be executed then and there, saving lots of people time and money, and making a point to the general public. I can't wait until Christmas. I already know what I'm going to get Bryan and my mom, and my dad. We're going to get my dad a 56 K modem. He's wanted one for a long time. What a boring gift, he is such a boring guy. OH well. I don't want to type for 12 more minutes. I think this assignment is stupid. I don't see the point. Or maybe there is a point, but I'm not helping because I'm doing it wrong. What does it matter, is anyone really going to read this? I feel sorry for the person who has to read all of these things. Oh good, I didn't want Bryan to come over and read this, he left the living room. Our apartment is pretty smalll but I resally like living in austin. Finally, he's going to take out the trash. Only one little responsiblity and he hardly can take care of it. Oh that made a lot of sense. some guy on the news is getting 60 years for molesting a child. What makes me sick is all the women killing their babies. I think pretty much all of those women should be executed, its rediculous how little our society cares about little babies. They are people too they shouldn't be murdered because of their stupid mothers. I think that if those mothers wouoold be punished more severely, there would be less instances of mothers killing babies. I hate democrats. I hate Bill Clinton. I will be so glad when he is no longer our president. I hope Bush runs next year, I know he'll win and our country will be in much better hands. 7 more minutes of typing stuff noone will ever read. tomorrow is wednesday, that means church and 7:30. So should I go to the trig review class or should I go to church? I think I'll end up leaving early from class so I can make it to church. I need to get my priorities straight. It's hard to make yourself go when you know you don't have to, and no one wouold ever know. I want to save peolpe from going to Hell, like where mosdt of the world is headed. Now I'm glad no one will read this because it soulnds like I"m some crazy conservative person. Narrow is the road to salvation, wide the road to destruction. The bible says loud and clear that more people will go to Hell than Heaven.
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bored. I'm supposed to be going out on a saturday night, but I'm not. it's a saturday night and I'm sitting in front of a computer, instead of at the Roxy with all the sororities. maybe it's good because I'll finally be set on the track of that good work thing my mom's been talking about. mom's upset. I don't miss her. today, 6 bad things done. she would be upset. so many rules broken. what if she surprise visits? bad. very bad. she and dad are watching t. v. right now. onni is probably out or sulking at home. I'm so much more lucky than her. no curfew. she doesn't study enough. I'm getting all her breaks. oppa is spoiled he didn't even come to see me move away. I hate him. he's sending me a care package. it's probably because onni told him to. a hundred dollars less than a tv. that cheapskate. trying to buy my affection. he hugged me in san angelo. seemed pretty proud of me. stanley seems creepy. poor guy. he was used and abused by that whore woman. I hope he doesn't marry that girl I saw. she looks mean. won't accept stanley's korean side. oh well. he never did. went to germany, had a great time, can't come to one family function and eat his own foor. I'm ashamed of him. so geeky. so is jun. he and I get along good, too. I htink hoon might be, too. but pretty cool. he's probably out, too. van wants me to call him to take us places. I hope he doesn't think I'm using him. I hoipe he doesn't tell my sister about me being oout late. jordyn's got problems. she's like intelligent jennifer miller. whiny, problems, manic depressive. van seemed mad about ride. oh well. hope social life doesn't evolve around her. ben's cute. but too short. cute, though. romantic. writes songs. not masculine, rough enough. maybe hsort's the problem. real nice. seemed annoyed when I took van away. oh well. saw him today. kind of brushed him off. oops. hope he doesn't take it personally. remembered my name. yeah. michelle wants a job. no money. I feel bad because I want to spend money. noone has money to spend except me. don't know how to spend money. too cheap. like mom. hope she doesn't find out about leftover money. need to go school shopping. buy small calculator. hope books come. cheap. hope coop takes books. fifty dollars. lots. maybe buy cool jeans. very uncomfortable at unity show. / too many thin cute asian girls to compete wiht. I should hang aorund migook people more. they're big and not so delicate. asian people have the worst manners! good mix. I am. van is too much white. michelle ggood, too. she is pretty. thinks she's not. she's crazy. van and I always talk aobut how pretty she is. I wonder what she thinks about me? I won't aske. just asking for pity answer. I think I'm attractive. kind of . sometimes yes, sometimes no. depends on size of waist at that time. ugh. tae bevo didn't work at all. what am I going to do with the rest of the weekend? ben's family is in town. sucks. wanted to show him my pachelbel and mrs. moore's writing techniques. I wonder how bowie's doing. yuck mrs. rose. she sucks. too many rules. she ruined school for me. michelle's so nice. she's too good to b e true. I tkae advantage of her. phuong is easy to make fun of. maybe too much. too much. I wonder if her feelings get hurt a lot. she acts too cute too quickly to be for real. chess was fun. I made a fool of myself in front of sebastian. he's nice. kinda geeky. reminds me of marc. sucked at chess. I beat him at checkers. big pride. yay! the candle smells good. I left it on! the room smells good. I should go work out. don't want freshman 15. yuck. already need to lose 15. should lose more. tae bevo is too far. maybe I'll buy a sports pack.
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The reality that college isn't just one continuous party is finally beginning to set in now that I have chpaters of information to read in all of my classes. I think somewhere in my mind I thought that college would be easier and less stressful than high school because it seems like there'e more free time. Well, I know now that this will not be so. All my free hours during the week will be full of reading, studying, writing, reading, studying, writing. I'm really afraid that I won't know what to expect on examinations. I've spent about an hour reading twenty pages out of my psychology book and can't imagine what I'm going to do. Reading and reading gets so boring, except when the material is very interesting. I also started reading my Economics, and enjoyed reading the parts that I recognized as being covered in class. I've discovered that going out every night and staying out until 2:00 a. m. is not going to cut it. The first week of school I tried this and could hardly stay awake during class. There are lots of pressures both externally and internally to go out and "party" and meet people every night. Externally, I'm a member of a sorority and we're supposed to party a lot with our sorority sisters. Internally, I feel like I'm missing out or something if I don't go. Maybe there's a cute guy out there just waiting for me to meet him, yeah right. I ran into this guy randomly on the street outside of UTC that I had met at Orientation. We recognized eachother and talked for a minute. A couple days later I saw him in my EConomics class. It would be so cool if some how we were to start talking or something. But, great things like that usually don't happen to me. My roommate and friend across the hall both make fun of me for having such a crush on this guy. I really like them a lot. We all got so lucky with the girls staying in our hall. Everyone is so nice and we get along well. I especially like my roommate. We have the same interests, likes, and dislikes. We aren't in the same sorority which kind of makes me sad, but we still do stuff together. Last night we stayed in and worked on our psych pretesting which took me like two hours after the UT football game. We were pretty bummed that they lost.
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Tomorrow I'm going to go back to my hometown of Grapevine, Texas, where I get the chance to revisit some of my old high school friends that are still in high school, and some friends that have graduated as well, that will be home as well. I guess I'm looking forward to the weekend, however I realize that I am still missing a lot of the social activities that are going on at UT. Currently my roommate is pondering why I listen to so much music all the time. To tell you the truth, I really don't know why I do. One of the reasons may be that I grew up surrounded by music, my brother being a person that played a lot of it around the house, as well as the fact that a lof of my friends also listen to music a whole lot. I just saw the MTV music awards, which was ok. I mean it started out cool and such. with three great bands on stage at once, however it kinda declined from there into some trendy mush of junk. Some bands these days I can hardly consider a "band" in the least sense of the word. I just remembered that I missed my SI meeting tonight. that which I am not too happy about, but I shall make an even harder attempt to make the next one. Sometimes I wonder why people don't like dorm life that much. I mean its a nice social place where you get to meet people, and sometimes the rooms arent THAT bad. not even in jester, which is supposedly the biggest dorm in the nation or something to that effect. I've been to other places and apartments, and I think I still like mine the best. or maybe its just my way of rationalizing to myself the living conditions that I recieved. I hope my ride back home tomorrow is expedient. I get so darn tired after car rides. you wouldnt think so after sitting down for three or more hours, but you always are. maybe its because the body expects you to be sleeping or something. who knows. I'm also doing laundry at the same time. really different than the laundry back home, seeing as how the dryers take the whole freaking day to dry your clothes. geez, I'll be up for a while. Sometimes I wonder why people can be such jerks to others, especially in relationships. In this summer alone, 4 of my close friends experienced breakups in relationships, either due to faults of their own, or others. 2 of them cheated on the other, which is something that is really bad. I guess the human mind likes to think that when you commit to someone else, you expect the same in return, no matter if you are drunk, stupid, wasted, etc. It's prolly also the lowest of things that one can do to another in a relationship as well. Luckily I was not immediately affected by any of the aforementioned incidents. I never really know what to say to people that get the sharp end of the stick in those situations either. I mean what can you say?? I'm sorry? you'll do better next time?? hardly. It feels like I'm typing into a diary or something. which I don't keep. I really want to go see some live bands here in austin. I mean it IS supposedly the Live Music Capital of the world. or nation. whichever. its supposed to have something more than just 6th street. at least things in austin aren't that bad. my roommate's pretty cool, better than someone else I could've ended up with. the food. could be better. but its not too bad. Overall university life is pretty ok. a lot of people here are nice and friendly. barton springs is really really REALLY cold. man is it cold. I wish I had something to eat as of right now. I'm kinda hungry. at least the jester express is still open for a while. Some of my friends are wanting to go the jester late night express right now. which is a really good idea. good thing the time thingy is almost over. hopefully my laundry will almost be done as well. I hate doing laundry. I especially hate ironing. but I guess they're something that I'm just going to have to live with for the rest of my lfie. carpe diem. seize the day. dead poets society. a great movie. seizing the day however. I think at least. should only be done in short bursts, and not always. It just seems like looking at the short term benefits or consequences and never at the long term just seems kinda idiotic. right? Some people I know take it way to the extreme. I wouldnt even know how to write it down. so now I'm wondering who's going to read this paper, and what they're going to think. or if anyone is going to even read it at all? pennebaker? the asian guy? that michelle girl? who knows. that video that was showed last class was pretty weird. that guy/girl strapped to the machine. and all those brian waves. I guess it wasnt "weird. " just something that we don't see that often. it was pretty cool I guess. now I also know how to escape a lie detector test if there was ever a chance that I would be detained by the FBI for some criminal knowledge that I may possess for some odd reason. who knows.
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IT's me. tying along, this is somewhat interesting, I''ll probaboly copy it onto my computer after I am done, after all, I am kind of interested in trackin gmy thoughts. When I talked with allison the other day, it helped to have I'm on instead of being on the phone. it allowed me to communicate and review what we had said to eachother. I really really really hope that we don't end up playing eachother this weekend, as I don't want to play her. I know I won't paly ehr because myu lov efor her is true. and she won't paly me either, but exactly what will transpire I'm not too sure. how far is too far for the realtionsip we're in reight now? what is the relationship we're in right now? I trhink I want intimacy, but I'm not too sure. is it abuse of eachother if we don't miss eachother tremendously? IO miss her tons, but I can now ahve fun without her. I do need her, but it's less than it used to be. when she dumped me, it really hurt. I neve said that I dumped her, but I understand why she thought that. life's a dance - at least it's no longer a bitch. I wonder if I couldn't go to sleep last night because I was so excited about seeing her this weekend, or because I had just finished my exercises. How long does it take the body to calm down after exercising. I didn't sleep well, but I don't think it was due to her. I'm just stuck on what kind of intimacy should be shared this weekend. I do love her. I'm pretty convinced of that. After all, she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I know that my feelings for her have a lot to do with that. She has a great smile. I hope that she jumps on me when I show up. It would make me feel very special. IO'll definitely be excited to se her. Iknow she is looking forward to seeing me too. I kind of wonder whether it is better for me to be leaving on Sunday or Saturday. I don't really have much choice in the matter, but I could take a bus. I want her to come to UT. At UT the logistics would flow much smoother. I'm more than willing to dedicate my whole weekend to her. This would mean I would miss her more during the week, but it would be worth it. I have friends here, which really really helps. For example, last night I went up and worked on my spreadsheet and webpage while watching a movie with them. Of course, the movie was an 80s movie, and it just reminded me of her, but it was still fun. I do love her. I love love lovee love love love love love her. Love can be messy. It's okay for love to be disastorous - so long as you don't lose sight of the person you love. a lot of times I feel like I'm the only one that cares about us as a relationship. When I did that thing at Dave and Busters she was ready to break up. I didn't feel as if it was cause. I understand why she was mad, but I also kind of expected her to understand that I was frustrated. She says she loves me, but does she? She does things that indicate both ways. I don't think that I do things that indicate that I don't love her, but maybe I do. I wish she would tell me when I do/say things that hurt her. She really hurt me, when she said that it was better to be broken up right now. I want her to have fun. I used to be somewhat egotistical about it, but right now I just want us to fully enjoy eachothers company and miss each other enough so that it's not abuse of the relationship. Maybe nothing will happen this weekend. I hope that she spends time with me after the game. I expect her to spend time saturday morning studying, which is fine. I just know that I'm not going to have anything to do. I will bring my computer, but I will only be able to work on stuff that has no deadline. If it has a deadline, then it will have to be done Sunday night if it's not done over the weekend. That would stink. I come back, and I won't be able to see any of my friends because I have homework to do. I really do miss Allison. I'll probably do my PSY reading this week. The Republic is read enough for a while, but do I want to start getting ahead? Probably should. The problem with lowering our love relationship to a friendship thing is that then we will never see if our love is true. I don't want to make the worst mistake of my life, when I'm not sure of it. Allison is beautiful. Sure, she has some qualms about being outside in the heat, but otherwise she's ideal. Except, that I do wonder sometimes if she is in love with me. We should go do some outside type stuff. She has a set prenotion that she doesn't want to go camping, when in reality it could be quite fun. My parents don't do outside stuff together. Allison has swallowed the heat thing before - that says how much she loves me. It couldn't have been cold the second time at Miller Outdoor Theater. We've kissed in the heat before. The only thing is that a lot of my romantic ideas were for outside - the waterfall (not original), Galveston. romantic by its very nature means of nature - she wants someone to possibly sweep her off her feet, but I don't know if that's possible. I do love her. Well, it's actually time that this 20 minutes has past. It has passed quicker than I expected it too.
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I just got of the phone with my best friend Lauren from home (Potomac, Md) and it was weird because she hasn't left for school yet - she is going to the University of Pennsylvania - so When I talk to her we are coming from such different perspectives right now and it is really strange since we have always been so similar in everything before. We were talking about our other good friend Meryl who is going to Cornell and has been there for about the same amount of time that I have been here and she was saying how she has been talking to her everyday but that Meryl is so happy and has so many friends and even a new boyfriend and I was saying how that is really weird and annoying because I honestly am pretty happy and having what I think is a fairly normal adjustment to college but I don't have like a real group of friends yet or anything and it isn't everything that I had hoped college would be yet, but I figure that I have only been here for two weeks. Lauren was saying that what she thinks is so weird about it though is that Meryl says that she goes out everynight and loves school and everything but she calls her everyday and I say that I am still adjusting etc and I don't even have time to talk to her everyday. I don't know, I just think that it is really annoying and try not to talk to Meryl too much because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me since things aren't going quite as well for me and it makes me feel sort of bitter towards her. Tonight I went out to dinner with my friend Katie who I met when I went on Camp Texas and I love. We went to the Hula Hut and it was really good because I had really been away from Campus and the whole UT thing since I got here and I was sort of starting to feel like I was stuck in a bubble and out of touch with reality so it was good to get away for a little bit. Plus, the food was really good and I hadn't had a real good meal since I got here either. It also made me more sure that I had made the right decision about going home for a the weekend of Sept. 17-20 (for the jewish holiday) because I saw that it was good to be in car and get away and realized that it would definately be good for me to get away for a longer period of time. Before I went to dinner tonight I was worried that I wouldn't want to go because I would feel like I was missing things here but now I see that I definately did make the right decision. Also when I go home I am going to drive up to Penn for the night to see Lauren and when I was talking to her it sounded like she was really excited to see me so that is good too. I feel like I should be really stressed right now about schoolwork and everything with this being my first semester of college and my first time at a big, public school since I attended a small private high school but I honestly feel like I have less work then I did in high school and that it is easier - plus I am really staying on top of it. The only concern that I am having at all is the size of my classes (all of them have over 200 people in them) because I am used to being in classes with about 15 people in them and recieving a lot of focused attention from my teachers and although I am not concerned about this affecting my performance as I feel that I am completely capable on my own, I am worried I will be overlooked and just be a number in crowd - which I'm sure that I will be in a lot of my classes, at least for a while. So far though I like my classes at least and find them interesting and all of my professors do seem to be pretty interesting and approachable. I also rushed and am pledging a sorority which, even though I really like it and am happy that I did it is becoming more and more time consuming and I getting worried that I am going to have trouble completing everything that I need to do for that but I am sure that it will not be as tough as I am expecting. Right now I am listening to a really good CD that Lauren sent me that our friend Dave made for me and it is so good because it is a mix that he made of all of these really good old songs plus a couple of good new ones. I have three minutes left to write now and I am really running out of things to say except that earlier I found a cricket or grasshopper or something in my room and it is really gross and I don't know how it got up here because I like on the 11th floor of dobie and there are no windows but it is totally gross and I am definately going to file a complaint and tell the front desk that I need an exterminator or something. Well I think that my time is up now so bye.
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so here I am trying to figure out what it is that I am thinking. maybe I shouldn't have given advice to genevieve about her mother. I don't really know the situation and even more than that the little that I do know. I have never experienced. adrian too. he must really be having a difficult time dealing with the death of his mother. man, my finger really hurts. the manicurist was trying to drill my cuticles off. but they're pretty. I don't know what I should do with the whole beta thing. they are all nice, but I am tired of being pressured into situations that I am not comfortable. maybe I set myself up for it. right now I am a little emabrassed because I am really hungry and these 20 minutes are not passing quick enough. I know the instructions say not to worry about grammer and spelling, but it's really hard to read my own writing and have all these misspelled words pop up. nose itches. I wonder if I will be able to handle rush and my classes. as it is I am already blowing off my other classes for organic. even more than that, I hope I get my financial \aid in on time. I really do feel bad about making my father feel like he wasn;t there for me. my mom says that it'll work itself out but this whole financial crap really is upsetting. I know of families that have been torn apart beacuse of that. all I know is that they'll have my ass until I am like 40. which really sucks. an education shouldn't be so expensive that once you get one and start a job you are so in the hole that you're broke all the time. maybe I should drop out and og to massage therapy school like I wanted to a long time ago. I can't believe that I haven't heard from dannee. I am really upset about what our friendship has become. sometimes I even think of andy and I don;t know why. he's probably happily married with a kid. (I am really glad that it's not my kid, though. cause then I'd really be screwed with the whole moiney thing) 5 more minutes. I can't believe how little I have written. I must be the slowest typer. there's my stomach again. at least I don't have any classes today. that way I can print up my organic and biology and go home to eat. even when I get there I don't know how to react with genevieve. she complains about her mother and then does the exact thing that she complains about. I bet I do the same thing. wow that guy is really talking very loud. I wonder why (2 minutes) people walk aroiund libraries talking so loud. how inconsiderate. I even had a wierd dream last night. but I think if I were to think about it now my finers would not be able to type quick enough to write it in the last couple of minutes. I wonder who called us this morning at like 7:30. good thing I was able to fall back to sleep.
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At the moment I I can seem to think about is how strange it is to think about what I'm thinking about. I'm not really sure if I can truley display my thoughts if that's what I'm concentrating on instead of letting my mind wander subconsiously. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it does to me. I'm trying to fight the temptation to go back and reword/correct sentences. Its very strange. I'm also trying not to have more than a two seconds pause between words/sentences so that I can show a true, 20 minute, unbroken stream of thought. I can't , unfortunately, fight the urge to correct typos - its natural for me to press the delete key the oment I see a mistake pop up on the screen. It will be interesting, however, to read this when I'm finished and see how many mistakes I missed. My roomate just put a CD on that I haven't heard in a long time - it makes mee think about highschool (the last time I listened to this) what is it called? . Oasis I think you, and the name of the song is "Wonderwall" I sincerely hope that its just a TA reading this and not Dr. Keller because I'll probably be embarrased at my grammar usage/sentence structure, ect. ect. Did you know (I'm sure you do) that "etcetara" is Latin for "and so forth" I know this because I took Latin in high school. It was a complete waste of time. I only got little useless trivial pieces of infromation out of it. Thought my favorite insult is still "habitas familia in miser villa" (you and your family live in a miserable farmhouse) Our teacher left midway through our senior year and so they had a spanish teacher named Mr. Soto teach the class. Kind of funny because he didn't know Latin, but hey, actually knowing the language is just optional right? Latins dead anyway. hehe It just occured to me that this is actually how I type a , drat, phone. k, that was my girlfriend, Liz. we're not having the best of time, though I'm sure (I hope) we'll work it out. I pondered writing during the phone conversation but that would be weird (especially for Liz) because I seriously doubt I can type and talk at the same time. unless I type giberish. or talk giberish; either of which would be bad in their own right. what was I talking, er. tyiping about before? I actually had to scan up the page to read and remember - it was email. I was thinking about how I actually type a lot of emails like this - not really without thinkg about what I'm saying and not looking for grammar and all that but just typing continously. Usually because I'm emailing like 5 different people and it takes to long and its annoying. speaking of annoying, this is taking a long time Its amazing how long 20 minutes can go by when you're thinking what else you could be doing. we're going to play risk in about 25 minutes. I love Risk. I'm not sure really, there's just somethin strangely fun about taking over the world. I also play this game on my computer called "Civilization, Call to Power" which is wonderfullly complex and very challenging. You build a civilization from 4000bc to 3000ad and either try to beat the computer opponents economically and in number of scientific andvances (kind of on a point system) or attempt to take over the world. In my currect game I have eliminated 3 of the 4 computer oppents and I'm going for the kill on my last enemy, the Persians. I made the mistake of using nuclear weapons and now my populace is very angry at me because of nuclear fallout and all that garbage. How many people have actually tried to take over the world? 3? Alexander, Napoleon and Hitler. All failed. I wonder if its even possible. Probably not, especially when your enemies have nukes. Nukes are kind of scary, I try not to think about them. Ok, thats 20 minutes FINALLY!
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well, I'm thinking right now about how thinking about what I'm going to write is going to effect what I'm going to write. I'm thinking that 20 minutes is a long time to write considering that I type at a fairly good clip. I'm thinking I won't start each sentence with I think. I've come up with the idea for the perfect television show. it'll be a cross between chips and pacific blue. it'll be about moped cops in missouri, it'll be called M. o. p. d. it'll star katie holmes and busta rhymes as the street savy ex con turned cop. no one on the force knows if he can be trusted, but he's found a friend in katie, or sam mcgillaway on the show. I've decided that I really like fencing, and that at least at this early state I have a better mastery of the sport than most people in my class. I'm really thinking that this is going to be hard to to for twenty minutes. I miss my girlfriend. my ear itches. my roomate displaces much ground when he walks, or at least it sounds as if he does. I guess that's me thinking about my sensory preception. I hear him playing quake in the background, or should I say, behind my head. I wonder if I'll get full credit for my Diff EQ assignment. do teenage cats drink hairspray so their hairballs will look good? always wondered that. it's amazing how well I can get my ideas to flow from my brain to my hands. I'm sure it's a combination of my typing savvy and my slowing of the thought process so I can type everything I think. my roomate's whistling the daily show theme. I like john stewart movies. I like patrick stewart movies. I wonder how many degrees it would take to connect him to kevin bacon. I wonder how I come up with connections like this. my Instant messanger sounds are starting to get on even my nerves. I wonder how I'll do this semester. I know the 5hrs of credit I got for spanish will help my GPA, but will they offset the potential disaster that is either diff eq and or computer science 310? do I really want to be a computer science major? I really like cooking. BAM!. that's what emeril says. it's only been 5 minutes since I last looked at the clock, and that was maybe a total of 10 minutes ago. hmm. minutes and minutes were in the same position on those two lines. although they may not be when you read this. I wonder if my roomate's going to play the same song he always does. I miss home, mostly because of my girlfirend. I wonder if I'm supposed to put a comma in the name field. if obi wan kenobi has the ability to run with incredible speed, then why does he wait for the force field things to close and thus causing the death of his mentor. what's the deal with all the star wars major light sabre scenes (or most of them) ending with some guy falling down a large pit/shaft type thing? is George lucas trying to tell us something? I can hear real songs in my roomate's playing. neither of us have been playing that long. I just showered, but my nose already feels oily. I think my leg's asleep. there's two asses in assassination. I think my whole leg is asleep, or getting there fast. I'm not used to sitting normally in my chair, but I did it to facilitate my typing. I wonder if facil or something like that is a latin root. spanish for easy is facil. facilitate means to make easy. makes sense to me. sounds like my roomate's trying to learn the solo to breakfast at tiffanie's. it's not that hard. I wonder if I'm catching mostly audio cues because my eyes are focused on a particular task? that's my guess. well, that looks like about 20 minutes
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At this very moment I am tired and hot, I really don't like not having a computer at my house because it causes me to have to walk far in ordere to do my assignments that are assigned through the internet. In this heat I really hate to walk. If it was cooler outside I might not mind as much, but until then I will be sweating like a pig every time I have to come to the FAC. On top of all other things I moved two hundred miles away from home and my boyfriend so I really have a constant sad feeling streaming through my mind. There are some things that I will never be able to forget and one is that my boyfirend is 200 hundred miles from me. I really wish there was some way that I would be able to still come to UT, but also have mt boyfriend here with me. The days just don't seem like normal days unless I am ablt to see my boyfreind everyday and talk to him whenever I want without having to worry about how much money I will be spending on a phone call. I had really great weekend with him, this Labor day weekend. We sure did have a lot of fun. If only there was some way we could things like that every time we see each other. a felling of depression comes through me every time I think about him. I try to fight it off but I can never seem to forget about him for more than ten minutes. I a definitely in love with him. I never knew love could be so strong. I really can't seem to get him off my mind no matter how hard I try. Some times it seems like I don't ever want him off my mind. I wish he was here with me right now then t would not be obbessing over him on my writing assignment. That seems a little strange, but oh well like I said it is impossible to get him out of my head. Seems strange to be so in love only after 4 months. especially with a guy that I would not even give a chance until after five years. I wish there was something else I could have pop into my mind so I would not feel so sad. I like to change my thoughts or at least try to change my thoughts to think about something happy every once in a while so I won't always be in this sad mood. I use to always be happy, rarely in a sad mood, but since I moved from home without my parents and friends I cry every night I don't thik it is fair. I want to get use to Austin and meet some people so that I can start a new group of friends here and will be one thing away from what is causing me to always be sad. I thought living with my sister would he,lp with the sadness but it really hasn't she is never aorund and I really don't like being alone or a long peroid of time so that just adds fear to the list of things I exparience daily since I have been living here.
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I'm just wondering how everything is going to work out, I mean, how is my relationship going to work out if she's in Cali and I'm in TExas. Well, I guess it shouldn't matter that much cause I should be thinking about school. Damn, this place gives me the creeps. No one that I can really talk to. How is anyone going to survive here. Gosh, I miss my baby. Am I making the right choices here in classes? Am I making the right choices in my relationship? I mean, if it doesn't work out, then what am I going to do? My relationship . man, I'm confused. This place is big. This university is big. How am I going to stand out? I haven't met any new friends, not very many. My room mate also sucks. I have no money. That's another thing, how am I going to survive financially? How am I to get enough money to support my college tuition? Mom and dad can't provide the whole thing and financial aid won't cover it all. How am I to make up the rest of the money? And if I do get a job, how am I to balance my job and school at the same time. Gee, and how come I keep thinking of my girlfriend? Damn, everything goes back to her. I can't believe the time I spend thinking of her. This is hopeless. I can't believe I'm even doing this relationship thing. Damn, my head hurts. I hope I'm doing this assignment right. If not, then I'm in trouble. what a way to start out college. Man, I have a headache. I wonder if I'm dying. Ha, I wonder if I'm dying all the time. I wonder if I make myself sick by thinking about that so much? I hope I don't get fat. I hope this college thing doesn't' make me fat and I hope that this whole college thing works out. I don't want to waste anymore of my parent's money. I don't even know what I'm doing here in college. I don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, or how the future's going to be like. Maybe I'm scaring myself. I think about this stuff too much when I should be out doing something about it. I feel so lazy and so useless. So insignificant. Is this what the real world going to be like? Am I going to be another insignificant person? Gosh, my head hurts. Everyone in this room looks dead. Everyone looks like they've been drained of their energy. Man, it's been only 14 minutes and I am writing a bunch of crap. Ha, I guess this is stream of conscience writing huh? I guess it means to just talk to yourself. How come I don't see any familiar faces? No one here is a familiar face to me. I thought I knew a lot of people but damn, I know no one. I hope things get better. I don't think I can stand much more of this. I want to go home for a while. Jester's food is getting old and I miss my parents. I just miss having nothing to do. Maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know. I can't keep thinking like this. I'm not lazy. Think positive buddy. Ha, I'm talking to myself again. I wonder what the professor's going to think about this paper? Oh well, out of 500 some odd students in a class, I don't' think anyone's going to get to this paper. See what I mean? InsignificantF!!! Why so pessimistic Hai? Damn, what happened to the old you? I guess things change huh? I guess things are never going to be the same. Didn't you say you wanted to go to college to get away from it all? Didn't you say that you wanted to start over? HEre's your chance buddy. Take the risk. BE yourself. Meet people. Make yourself a significant part of something. Don't just dissapear. oh, times up.
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email is such a pain I cannot anxwer them fast enough I like it because I cantalk to people theat I miss I really miss my brother the wedding is really soon weell so is my birtheday I wissh they did not paln it on my bitthday Nineteen is a boring birthday your not in your twenties andyou do not get any new "privledges" my mind went blank it is much easier to think when you are not rying thid desk is very uncomfortable like the bed in my dorem well it is alright it is just not very comfrotable I have som much stuuff to do and I am trying not to get bogged down sbut I do not want to gho crazy studying for somw reason I cannot help but hit the back space button I have never been a very good typer maybe if I would just stop llooking at the screen ti would all flow I really widh I was at homw going to my old dance studio taking classed insteda of typing on a computer I really miss dance more then anything wlde at home excluding my familyt and my dog I went home for Labor day and I thienk she was the most excited to see me My mom had just come back from New YUork and she brought my brides maid dress home with her it is way too big but they always are I am really not worried about it because I know my mom will make sure that it looks great the color is a beautiful plum If only I were getting married it is notlike I am in a big hurry I do not eben have a boyfriend but that is beside the pooint with a mom as a wedding photographer my whoke life swhe has been talking about my wedding how perfect it wii be I could care leess about the wedding I just waqnt the perfect groom I have met agew nice guys herte and seen a lot of really cute ones I never get the courage to talk to them I meand the first few days of chool every body could talk to every body now if you approach someeboudy it seems you are going out of your way I guess everybody is just getting cc omfortabe finding a nitch My best f4riend my roomate is leaviing UT ath the semester she has been one thing I could count on for the last four youars and now she is leaving and theat really scares me I want her to prusue her dreams and be happy bust she is returing to our home town I can never go back I mean not while I am in college As much as I want to I know it is better for me here I like Austin and quite a few of the peiople who live here I am getting me nitch my comforty zone I think sometimes it is bad to get too settled it inhibits your grouwth as a person because there I go again hitting the backspace button when I was in seventh grade muy right hand was ran over by a go cart It took the sking off three fingers and permanetly injured one and kind of a halj well needless to say that affects my typing abiliteis I have bad finger dexterotu not to mention I am a perfectiont so seeing a typo on the computer really bothers me I am just not liiking now three minutes over the twenty minutel limit I could go on for days but I am in an uncomfortable chair and I just realized I forgot to feed my fish
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Right now I am feeling a sense that I have a lot of catching up to do in my reading. Not particularly for this subject but for some of my others. my classes thid semester consist of a lot of reading. For the most part I am enjoying school. I think that it will only get better as days go by and I begin to meet more and more people. I am from Austin and hardly any of my friends came to UT. I guess that they all wanted to get away from home. I love Austin and Ut has a wonderful Interior Design program, it is in the school of Architecture. Right now I am in the Arch. library and my typing is kind of loud I hope that it is not bothering anyone. I am about to go to my next class it is an architecture class with 500 students. Most of my classes except for one are with 500 students. (about 500) College goes by so quickly I can't believe that it is already thursday. Where does the time go? Since I am from Austin I have learned that living in austin and attending school in austin are totally different. I am the only family member besides my grandmother who decided to come to Ut. most of my family went to Texas Tech, A&M, and SMU. My sister just graduated college from colorado state in Ft. Collins. I love Colorado. My older brother is going to grad school at Ut dallas and working at the same time. Over the Christmas holiday my sister and I are going to Quito, Equidor, I can't wait. Well there is so much I could say right now but I am running out of time. Sorry for all of the mistakes.
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I am feeling rather comfortable right now, much more comfortable than in the previous days. I don't know if I made the right decisin in coming here, I guess that's because people keep on asking me where I an from and when I say Hawaii they all ask me why I transfered and why I came here, as if Hawaii is so amazing and this place sucks. I guess Hawaii is pretty amazing in some ways. But it's not like my life was particularly great or exciting there. Added to that I don't like knowing everyone, well I like knowing people but I don't like it when you have no aninimity. I also am thinking a lot about girls, girls and sex, sex and girls, I guess that goes without saying. I feel like I have to step up my game and almost go out "hunting" for them, but thats kind of weird to have that kind of attitude. It's not terrible romantic, but I'm getting pretty desperate. There are some hot hot girls here. I don't know what's my problem, It's probably because I live in Simkins which is on the other end of the earth. That's probably also just an excuse, because no matter where you are you still have to put some effort forward to meet women. Although it is a lot easier when your living with them. It's not so bad I've meet some women here, but the one that I am more serious with, I don't find myself attracted to at all. She's got a great personality, and she's female, which is a definite plus, but I really can't see myself commiting to her or having anything really serious. It's probably a partial ego problem,because of her relative homeliness. But I really do like to be surrounded by beauty, yeah right why did you move away from Hawaii. No I really like to beautiful things and have a real eye for asthetics. I need to be with a really attractive woman, fat chance of that happening with this face, and this nose, and no hair cut, and this voice and this low self-esteem. But I really want to go out with Nicole, she is a goddess on earth, she is so sweet and gentle and gorgeous. I can't belive it, and I act like such a dork around her but she doesn't seem to mind, and that's what I loooooovvvvveeeee about her she is so hot, I must do eveything in my power to win her I must put the wheels in motion before she gets snatched up, because I know that if I don't act soon and I mean like in the next five minutes, some other guy with more guts and better looks is going to see what I see and I cannnot let that happen not this time, I've let that happen too many times in the past I've let every girl that I've ever had feelings for get away. And Nicole may be the one, she's in the fricking Pharmacy school she could take care of me the looser that I am, but if I were with her I would not let that happen. I would do everything for her, I would work night and day and fight my way to the top to provide for her. I have my mission, I must develop my plan, and somewhere in between I must get some studying done. Straight A's and Nicole that will be the story of my life for this year.
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I am glad that I am finally getting to this assignment! I have had so much homework, and just can't seem to stay on top of things. "I'll have the weekend," I continue to say to myself, but I know I'll just want to watch television or hang out instead. I went to the meeting of the tennis club today, and am very excited about that, even if I have to ride the bus to the courts whenever I want to play. I went running this morning, but just feel so out of shape. I know I'll never be super skinny, my body just isn't built like that! I'm looking forward to playing again. I'm even willing to brave the tournaments, or at least look cool wearing a new t-shirt showing off my participation. I'm sill hoping to meet some people who I can actually hang out with, go out with, stuff like that. I meet many people, but none of them seem to be willing to get to know the real you. They all have friends here from school, yeah, like anyone else from Wyoming is crazy enough to come here. I also want to play the piano some while I am here. I don't have my books, so I'll have to recover them when I go home in October. I am excited about that, it will be so neat to "fly home" for the weekend! Hopefully I'll make it up to Cheyenne and Laramie to see some people. I've been thinking a lot about Holly lately, and would love to be able to connect with her through seeing Den'ja and preserving her memory. Too bad he is never home when I call. While I am doing this, I realize I need to do the pre-test, I just can't seem to find an hour! The weeks are already flying by, and the panic of upcoming tests is setting in. "Oh no, only a week and a half until the first Psych test!" I'm caught up in reading, re-typing notes, now all I need to do is read them over. I'm so tired right now, all that is left on the agenda for tonight is German, and reading Chapter 5 of Astronomy. It will be nice to actually do problems for once, instead of living my life reading and taking notes. I can't wait until I am confindent in my self-image, if that ever occurs. I just don't have the will power to work out like a crazy woman! Tennis. just keep thinking. tennis. I really do love tennis, and its number one male star Pete Sampras. Too bad he is injured, the US Open just isn't the same! Maybe my new tennis partners will become my new buddies! Speaking of tennis, another thing to add to my list is to check on Match Mates. Wow, twenty minutes can be a long time when the assignment is to ramble on about yourself. Sophia has to go to the mall this weekend, so I'm going to go with her. RUE 21 and Forever 21, I need to buy myself a new outfit. It will be quite the experience catching the bus to get there though. Just like making it to the tennis courts, I'm a pro at the campus look today. I hope the woman who feel outside Jester is ok, that would be so scary! I need to go to bed, and tomorrow is my super long day. The SI sessions are going to be a big help, but they are just such a pain to attend. An extra three hours a day is enough to make me crazy. Freshman Leadership Organization meets tomorrow, so that will be fun. Also, Party on the Plaza is tomorrow night, a fun function. I hope I didn't miss Austin Powers playing on the south mall. I didn't get very much e-mail today, that makes for a depressing day. I did, however, get my high school yearbook. I loved how I pimped that school, I miss the friendships. I miss tennis season. Most college students say they don't want to go back to high school, but at this point I wouldn't mind. I'd have to say I loved not doing homework. Ooh, our sing just sounded like it was about to die. I love the internet, it is so convienient typing this paper to submit via the information super highway! I am completely addicted to my computer, and I'd die without it. I type everything, e-mail everyone, it is truly my life! Well, my 20 minutes are up.
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I don't really want to do this assignment, I think it's tedious and I want to go to sleep. I haven't had much rest lately, but socializing with my friends is important to me too. I want to study, but I'm totally lost at what I want to do because I have so much work to do. I think I will study psychology first before I study my EE book. I miss my brother, he's so cool. Looking around the room, it feels full, but empty at the same time. This music in the background is cool, I'm glad I burned the cd today. I hope my dorm mates don't get mad that I'm turning it up so loud. I don't really care that much though. I want to go do something besides work. Everyone around here is studying, but I am not. I feel like I'm forgetting to study for something. I wish I went to see that movie last night, It sounded really cool. My neighbors are great, but I don't know if their real or fakes. i am so cynical. I don't understand why I don't trust anyone. I wish I could trust people more, but I think I trust too much already. I don't know. I think I'm going to call an old friend today, see if he wants to do something. Houston seems so far away from here, I miss my family. I don't understand why people don't miss their family here, I seem to be the only one. I try to call them everyday, but it seems like the telephone conversations isn't enough. I want them to be near me. The houses around here look really beat up and old, maybe they should live a little farther away. The concert I went to was pretty cool. i had a good time. It was strange, off all the concerts I went to, this one had a lot of good looking girls. It must be the type of music it is. I wish my taste in music was more targeted to good looking girls. But, I hate the music those girls listen to, it's so bad. I don't understand how they can listen to such garbage. Man, my trash can is full, when I'm done I think I'll throw out the trash. Why do people keep leaving garbage in here, it's not just us. I hope that my computer doesn't crash again. It's built well, but I seem to be slacking off on computer studying. I don't know as much as I did or wish to. I love computers so much though. I wish I could be rich like those million or billionaires. But, then again, I don't want to be too greedy, maybe if I could just provide enough for my family. I think I wouldn't like to be rich, maybe just comfortable and liking what I do. I hope EE is what I like to do, my decision making ability is really putrid. I don't think I like writing this. My hands are getting kinda strained. I think I'm going to go and throw away the trash, oh wait, I still have another assignment to do, wow, I'm glad I remembered to do this assignment, I don't want a bad grade only 4 weeks into the school year. Okay, I think I want to finish this up. Thank you for listening to my psycho-babble, I hope it benefits you more than it ever did for me. okay. I think ill stop now. bye.
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What am I feeling right now, hmmmmmmm. my consciousnesss. Right now it's the afternoon and I'm feeling pretty hungry. My stomach feels pretty empty and I think I can fill it up w\ a lot of food. My feelings and thoughts are pretty mixed up right now. There is so much going on. My mind is on so many things. there is so much to do. first I'm thinking about a girl that I was with and I left because of school. then I have to get my books for class. I still haven't fit in and I don't feel relaxed yet because of the things I have to do. I'm worried about if my financial aid is ever going to come through so I can pay for the books. Those books cost a lot of money. But this overpowering hunger of mine is really taking up a lot of my thoughts. somehow, though I am able to pull those really tiny thoughts which are really important. Man, I don't know what else. It's pretty crazy that I am here in Austin away from H-town, but next weekend I'll be able to go back home the hunger . man I wish I had eaten a lot earlier, all I had was some lasagna leftover. I can't believe I'm writing or typing for this long and straight because my forearm is starting to hurt. oh well, got to keep writing I hope this psychology class isn't so hard, that pretest was pretty damn long w\ thirty -two pages. the reason why there are no spelling mistakes is because I don't like to have errors, sorry. I wonder what the point of this is? their not going to check it. what are they going to do to this hmmmm. interesting I wonder what I'm going to write to her I miss everybody. my forearm really hurts I want to stop but there's only a few minutes left. right after this I'm going to the pulse and getting my money to get my books. I think UT is awesome, there is so many possibilities. these computers in the business school are pretty awesome too. hurry up time . I like this asssignment though, I like it a lot. I still don't get the freakin' assignments to the freakin' calculus class. I'm glad I was able to drop English is the twenty minutes almost up yet?!!!! Holy crap. the veins on my forearms are poppin' out. Beautiful babies everywhere pennebaker cool. Hi there. this is me killing time . I have a lot more thoughts but I'm hungry and myforearm hurts. I'm typing w\one finger now. its almost up. this thing makes me sleepy. one minute left. yessss. wwhhhhooooeeee!!let'sgo it;'s over
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THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN TRANSCRIBED FROM PAPER EXACTLY AS IT WAS WRITTEN (INCLUDING ALL MISTAKES, MISSPELLS, ETC): Let's see. its really hard to do this assignment because I find I have trouble doing this assignment I messed up there. It's hard to write down your own thoughts because I find that even as I am writing this I am already thinking something else. It's hard to get into the right mindset because as I'm writing this I feel like okay. i'm writing a paper for psychology, not I'm writing down my thoughts. What I was going to say above before I messed up was that I can't or rather, I'm having a hard time with this assignment because I can't, I mean I have trouble doing something on cue or when someone tells me to do something. It's difficult to do something that usually comes naturally when someone gives you certain perameters to do it in. Its like someone telling you to go the bathroom when you don't have to. Or its kind of like when some one tells you "Don't think of an elephant" what's the first thing you think of? In this assignment, its like you're telling us, "Don't think of it as writing a paper for a psychology" Or was that the whole point?--to see if we could write down our thoughts freely and as they come to us without--oh @#&*! I lost my words or I don't know how to word what I was thinking rather. I find that this happens to me often. I really don't feel like I'm writing down my thoughts, I feel more like I writing an entry in a diary or journal. Hmmm. i wonder when my friend Christine is going to call, I hope soon because I need to get the store before it closes--todays Sunday so everything closes early. I hate waiting for phone calls because I hate that feeling of not knowing when they are going to call. You expect the phone to ring any minute but at the same time not to. It just happed again--in the middle of the previous sentence I had to pause because I wasn't quite sure how to word myself. Sometimes you have feelings that cannot be expressed in words (at least for someone like myself--I'm no Shakespeare). I'm writing this down on paper & I'm going to type it later. I've just had to switch to--oh never mind-that really wasn't what I was thinking. I really wish this stupid cold would go away. I keep sniffling every 5 seconds and coughing too. Times almost up--1 more minute. I can't think now with that in mind. so I'll end here.
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When asked to write about my subconcious it just blocked everything that was in my mind. Let me see. well today I went to this Sigma Phi Omega Rush event and that has been in my mind ever since. Everyone there was so nice, everyone was smiling and introducing themselves and it makes me wonder is that how they really are? Or are they just doing that to get us to like their organization so they can take our money? Maybe I'm being paranoid, but those people were just really very very friendly that it felt like some horror flick full og nice smiling faces and they wait for the right moment to attack. During this event they had us fill out a questionare kind of like an application. One of the question was "What quality do you have to contribute to the organization?" The thing was I couldn't think of anything to say. I mean I am not a talented singer or anything or a pianist. I am just me. Isn't that enough? Then later on they interviewes us and they taped us! How embarrasing! They asked questions that will catch you by surprise! Like "What song best describes you?" I was like ummmmmmmmmmm OH OH the first thing that popped in my mind was Butterfly by Mariah Carey. I just made up some bogus answer that it symbolizes freedom and independency. honestly though I had no idea at the time what Butterfly was about or was talking about. I wonder if they know!? Oh well. I've been debating with my friends if I should join or not because it seems like a great experience meeting new people and all. The only thing that I am worried about is will they accept me for who I am or do I have to be the typical sorority chic? and I forgot to mention. Pledging is the big secret it is supposed to last 8 weeks! and no one can mention what exactly goes on during this 8 weeks! DO we have to clean toilets or what? Maybe that is why they keep it a secret because once all the Rushees know about it they will think again before they join. Makes me wonder what pledging is all about. A lot of people think that joining a sorority is a good idea especially for social reasons. I would describe myself as friendly and sometimes outgoing, but I can be pretty shy with strangers. is that weird? It's just that some people I meet is just that I have no idea what to talk about, it is as if I freeze and don't know what to say. It is also kind of embarrasing because you look like a total fool if you don't know what to say or do especially with someone who doesn't know you very well. I think the reason why I sometimes feel that way, is that I feel intimidated and I feel really awkward. Like I do right now because I feel like I am runing out of things to say. Actually to think about it sororities do take up much time. Just to go to Rush events I have spent approximately 8 hours already and I haven't even been in it yet. It was for two organizations. Tomorrow is the party and I am not really looking forward to it because deep down inside I want to stay in my dorm and study instead of going to the Club. Lately I have been lazy and haven't been doing much but I promise myself that I will study and get the grades my parents deserve to see after all they've done for me. And if they ever find out I went to these meetings instead of study they won't be so proud. But I think one of the reasons that parents don't understand these tings, is because all they want me to do is study. I guess going and Rushing for these sororities is kind of my way to rebel. I know it sounds weird, but that is how I feel.
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At this moment I,m really thinking about what I'll be thinking about to make this assignment interesting and if my twenty minutes of thought will be worth reading. I missed dinner again, so my stomach is on my mind. I'm munching as I do this assignment, but I don't think you are suppose to have food around the computer but I don;t know why. What is it with these computers anyway, I've been screwing with mine for three weeks and I can't figure it all out. I hate to ask for help and admit defeat by technology. No where can I find my freaking e-mail to check it. I don't even know if I really have an address because I registereds for it over the computer and don't know if it worked. I figured out why food and computers don't mix. My fingers are starting to stick to the keys. but caramel popcorn is good, better than the food in the dining halls anyway. I like this assignment- I/m getting to vent all of my frustrations and the millions of little thoughts that buzz around in my head all day. I knew tyhat writing is good therapy, but this is already making me feel better too. Now maybe I'll set up my journal on the web and make people pay to read like they pay to watch people going about their daily lives. It must be weird having cameras everywhere like on those shows but I would probably have fun because I'm a camera hog anyway. I should have paid more attention in typing class. I know I'm not using the right "home keys" and my fingers are still sticking everywhere. I hope I don''t have a lot more stuff to do tonight because I'm ready to go to sleep, even though it's barely eight. I feel like calling some of my friends from back home, but I doubt that they are home and studying like I am. My Mom didn't call back from work. She may not have even got the message thyat I called. Mail takes way too long to get here from Dallas. I thought it would be a day or two from there to here, but it's more like five or so. Today's THE eighth and I just now got stuff from tyhe second. Tomorrow is Jenna's birthday. I guess I'll call and sing and act like the goofy big sister. If I was her age zi don''t know if I would want a big sister. I guess it might be neat. I hope my roommate doesn't stay up all night again. I don't know what she does withall herw time. She always studies but she never gets anything done. I don't do much of anything, but I always getstuff done. I guess it's time management skills. I sleep too much. I think my twenty minutes are up, or past where's the submit button?
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Well, the writing assignment, its 11:50 right now, and I have to write a writing assignment for my psychology class which I absolutely do not see a point in writing this paper. I'm extremely tired from working out and playing basketball, and my stomache is very empty as of now. A few chocholate chip cookies with milk would be nice. Hey, this PCL is full of asians, and right in front of me is My friend Michael's sister, Sorry, I had to pause for a few second to stop and to talk with them. They're pretty cool, she thinks that I talk too loud. well screw her. I wonder if we could use inappropriate languages in this assignment, because my stream of consciousness is one thats pretty dirty and filled with foul language. I better not cuss. Its 12:00, and its very interesting that my brains could only output 10 lines of useless junk in 10 minutes. I feel like that I'm not using my brain to its full potential. Or Maybe I'm just a very slow typer. Damn, my wrist hurts, I'm so glad that I only have 2 classes tomorrow. Intro to western music is such a crappy class. I thought it was suppose to be a blow off but its not, and its pissing the living (explisive) out of me. I'm tone deaf, I'm dumb as hell when it comes down to music, and I'm plain retarded when I have to distinguish the difference between a duplet, triplet, or quatriplet. In my opinion, not that it really matters in the bigger scheme of things, but its still best to be aired out, is that music should be enjoyed by an individual, not to be dissected into grammarical structures. The class kinda reminds me of "Dead Poet Society" how the text books actually graphs the meter and accents of the poem. Music, like poetry, suppose to be heard by the heart not interpreted by the brain. When I hear Beathoveen's 5 th symphony, I can't tell the meter and texure of the piece, but all I know is that My heart are soaked with energy that makes the musical experience quite elemertary yet much more enjoyble. I guess I should quit my bitching to that class, since its I, myself who signed up the class without any foreign intervention nor pressure, so who should I blame but myself. I just saw Andrew's friend walking in the liabrary. Why didn't I say hello, just because the way he looks, is he not cool enough. When we went to that frat house last weekend, I feel like that he's such a burdensome tag-along. Yet would some of my other friend feel the same about me?? Its very disturbing, how I'm disgusted by all those people who think they are too cool for certain peeps, yet I fall under the same disgusting catorgory which I loath. It's so confusing, when I heard from Say that He's not coming to the thursdsay mixer, I was some what relieved. relieved of what?? of people not thinking that I'm a cool frat boy, beacause of Richard, but who really cares what those Lambda thinks? or those skanky Katie Phi girls think??? Why do I care so much about what other people think, instead of thinking for myself and doing something that I know is right. It bugs me how I proclaim my self to be a "genuine" nice guy, when I can't even perform the easiest task of bring somebody along with me and having a good time with him. Damn, I'm so freaking superficial and it annoys the heck out of me. "To really discover yourself, before discovering that really special someone" Right now, I don't think I deserve her. I just hope that she doesn't come right now, and wait for me to mature and evovle into a better person. The loud, oversized vacumm cleaner is distracting my flow of thoughts, and my brain kinda froze for a sec. I think those few clear moments where you're brain is not thinking anything at all, is one of the healthiest state a human can be. Well, as another vacuum cleaner joins the Library noice parade, I shall conclude this essay. I have to admit though, despite my early feelings, this assignment has some enjoybal value to it, and I'm actually kinda glad that I'm given this blank sheet that I can send my thoughts, into the void of carelessness, and its rather refreshing. I bid you farewell. (though I don't know who I'm bidding to) Its 12:15.
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ok, so my grandfather died yesterday. why don't I feel sad yet. what is wrong with me, do I have no conscionce? When my mother told my sister and I, she told us like we should pitty her, not like we should also be sad, what the f*** he was my grandfather. it was all about her, when can you come down to houston to watch the animals, so I can go to the funeral, not, do you wnat to come with me to the funeral? how can she possible be so selfish. but then look at me, I am so busy being angry, I haven't had a chance to be sad yet. what if I don't get sad? Is that bad? Am I a bad person? I only saw him once every couple of years, if that. I didn't really know him, and when I did see him he was very generous, but also a real jerk. his intensions were always really good, but he always was very bosy and rude. I remember once when I was like 8 we went out to eat, and he yelled at the waitress because they didn't seat us fast enough. but, last year when he came to my graduation we went out to eat . oh had a thought. My sister and I were thinking about him the night before he died. thinking about how he is always so concerned with us, like for example, he always focused in on something important to us, like when I was a vegitarian he always sent we cook books and when I danced he always called me his little princess or his little ballerina. this continued for years, he never forgot. . when we went out to eat for my graduation he was so polite to the waiter, and even joked with him
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Don't want to do this. This is stupid tweny minutes is so long. mtv award show is on. Man I'm missing it. Been waiting all week for this. I'll listen while I'm writing . Cypress hill . change chanel. Simpsons. excellent. The simpsons are so great. Stupid history class. Don't want to go to the field house with JJ. Hes such a jock. FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL. Football is so boring. Any parties this weekend. Will called. Message says Friday at four. The initiation is on Friday at four. I hope this Frat is fun. Will says its fun. Kat says it sucks. Maybe I'll just go to the parties. Parties are fun. Last Friday was fun. New message From Mom. God Won't she just let me be. I came to college to get away from them. Hated going shopping with her on Sunday. She is so stubborn. Simpsons. Homer at the vet. So funny. Denise. How can she eat that bologna sandwich. Its so grodie. Doesn't she know what goes into that crap. They allow a certain percentage of rat parts in there. ten minutes. hope friday has lots of liquor. Need liquor. Hope the frat people arent there. they're weird. hope melissa comes. Man I hope Melinda gets her internet card this weekend. this gum is stale. Need new piece. it is so cold in here turn down AC. So tired. Why am I tired. I took a nap. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I should eat something other than cereal. Ate lunch with William today. It was nice of him to come. Five minutes. I'm hungry now. Maybe I should have some soup. Hope I got a Package today. I hope Mimi sent some more rolls. The last ones got moldy. Gross. Need sweet rolls. Puff Daddy get to Chris Rock. Puff Daddy is boring. what channel is friends on. Two. or Three. Six Beef chop suey is gross.
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Well, my mother has just gone back to India ten minutes back, and frankly I am not all too sad about that, or not as yet atleast. All these days there were a lot of things I could not join in because I felt obliged to spend time with her and honestly I enjoyed myself. What made me most uncomfortable was the thought of what others would think. Would I be able to be a part of a group? I have never really been one to mingle in a crowd. I suffer from what I call the " wall paper syndrome". I feel like the audience to a television program where everyone is settled in their roles. I might have just been flung inside and there I am trying to fit in, wanting to fit in but getting so so intimidated! Everyone here seems so confident of what they are doing and saying and whats worse is that they are probably doing the right things, though who decides what is RIGHT and WRONG I am yet to discover. I come from a different culture and background. I have always excelled in academics but here I find myself doubting my ability. Will I be able to cope with the new system? Will I ever belong? There seems to be a yearning to be accepted and appreciated, that I am terrified that revealing my true self, which I am not too sure about, might mess up all my chances. Every one seems to be better than me, be it in terms of making friends, getting adjusted or simply being themselves. I feel that every second person is laughing at me. I feel so lonely inn this huge university. This is the worse feeling to have, feeling alone in a crowd! They say that everyone feels the same way in the beginning. But do I believe that? Obviously not! Here I sit in RLM writing frantically about my nervous self and everyone around me is reading either their reference books or a newspaper, no matter what they do, they seem to be at peace with themselves. that is what I am hoping that sooner ar later (sooner if it were up to me) I will achieve. I came here to let my self lose. To undo the shackles that had bound me to a not too pleasant past when it came to self esteem. I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to be the person that lives in my dreams. Again am I trying to be someone that I am not? I know that it is not in me to go up to a stranger and start of a conversation. I stop after " Austin is so hot"! Is it wrong? Does that make me in any way lesser than the rest? Rationally speaking obviously not. that is the kind of person I am. But everyone I seem to come across is so extroverted. I know that there is no such thing as right person or wrong person but feeling seem to surpass reason at this point. is it because I grew up with asister who was always popular because of her looks and her gift of the gab. Who had all the night life I never had, and said I never wanted. Is it because of the mother I had. Always the center of attention because of her looks and her brilliance, because of her great achievements and ideals. I don't think it fair to push the buck on to someone else. I must learn to take responsibility for myself. It is so strange. I always wanted to come down here. It was the perfect picture. I was going to start afresh. This was going to be the birth of a new self. What happened? Am I giving up all too soon? Am I alone in feeling this way? Will this small fish find her way in the large ocean? Will someone notice the wallpaper? Will I be able to come out of this a surer person? WILL I BE ABLE TO FIND MYSELF, FOR BETTER OR FOR FOR WORSE, IN THIS CONTINUOUS FIGHT TO FIND MY PLACE IN THIS PUZZLE. (that is assuming that I have a place!)
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Right now I feel really happy and anxious because my family is coming to visit me. I miss them so much. This morning I felt different because they called me last night to tell me that they were not going to be able to come. This morning they called me to tell me they were anyways. Now I feel much better. I even felt like eating. There are mornings when I don't have an apetite. I have been thinking about college lately. I like it here but there are sometimes when I feel lonely. I wish I was with my family. But, I guess I have to learn to be by myself so I can know myself better. Lately I have been thinking about transfering to UTA. But I fear that my classes won't transfer. I really have to think about this one really carefull. Right now I also feel a little worried because I have so much homework to do. I don't even know where to start. Right now I feel like talking to my friends from high school but I don't have their phone numbers or their emails. I wish I could talk to a few of them, to see how they are doing and what their plans are for the future. I never thought that this assignment will be so easy. The thing that I most hate is this kind of assigment because I run out of things to say (like right now). Oh, today is my mom's birthday. This was one of the things I was sad about, yesterday. This would have been the first time I would have been away from home on her birthday. I really would like the 20 minutes to be over right now because I have a lot of stuff to do. The past two weeks I have notice how important TV is for me. I have to plan all of my life around TV. I can wait untill tonight when I get to watch my favorite program. I wish I could be someone famous right now. I don't care if is a model, actress, dancer or whatever but I would like to be famous. I also would like to live in Miami. This summer was the first time I ever visited Miami and loved it with all my heart. Hope one day I will move there and be like all the people from there. They all look like models, beautiful and well dressed. They all have incredible cars and clubs and restaurants. I can't wait untill November when I go to Ricky Martin's concert, its going to be incredeble.
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okay, this is an interesting assignment. what to write about, there is not much to say. I want to go back home because I am not having to much fun here. I miss my friends and want to sleep in my own bed. keeping in touch takes up a lot of time. oh well asdfjkl;asdfjkl;jjjkl;asdfjum, alreight this is wierd. what am I going to talk about for twenty minutes. ? well, the food here is really getting discusting, the other day I could have sworn there was a finger in the hotdogs. it made me want to puke, man only three minutes have passed. hmmmmmmmmm. I want ot go home. I just got back yesterday also. I only like the freedom here, it sucks not having a car. I went home and it felt really weird to drive. my rroommate is kind of getting on my nerves, she hasnt done anything but she is just getting on my nerves. she never cleans up and is always on the stupid computer. it just gets on my nerves. like today, she threw away a milk carton in the trash, well if I hadnt have taken the trash down the hall it would have started to smell. also, I'm the only one who brought any functional things. I brought the tv, vcr, answering machine, stereo, vacuum, curtains, rug, etc. she just brought a bunch of junk to clutter everything up and put on my tv. I guess I should stop complaining, but it is really starting to bother me. I might start sounding selfish also, but she doesn't share much and I of course have to let her use my stereo and tv. I also am the only one that really cleans, this is just bothering me. ot has only been eight minutes. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz I have never done the alphabet on the keybourd before. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz how fun:) well, this day sucks. I'm still tired and I just took a two hour nap. I only have one class today and its from 8-9:30 so I have the rest of the day. I really need to do my math homework, I can't stand the professor. he is not very good at teaching. ahhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so anoyed. I feel like I am writing a letter. okay, when is this instant messenger thing going to finish downloading. its taking forever, I only want to talk to my friends online. no one is ever really on thoukgh so it doesn't really matter. man, I should have brought my discman. I am never going to catch up on the readings I am supposed to do for english and biology. I missed last friday's bio class because my stupid alarm didnt go off. I had set the clock wrong so it said pm instead of am. I felt so dumb, so now I have a buinch of notes to catch up on. !@#$%^&*() HDJHHFGHLKJHSDjljkLKJHFHFHFNVJDUEKASKJDHFUKTHJLKASJHDHFHFH only seven more minutes?????? okay, I still have bio to read, english to print out, and I still have to finish the survey online for this class. maybe if I type slower the time will go bye more quickly. alright, I can't wait till this weekend because I will have more free time, I really need to meet more people. this is not really helping. :) :(:) :( :) :9:0 messed up -------+++++++++++++============= I wonder if you can draw pictures == == * ------------- @ its a face sticking its tonge out, how cute
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College is so cool. I really can't remember the last time I felt so many emotions at the same time. I've already met so many incredible and different people I can't even begin to describe all of them. I am definately having mixed thoughts about having a boyfriend at this moment because of all the new people I have met and would definately like to meet, get to know, and date. My boyfriend is totally mad because he is so jealous. I hate jealous people I wish everyone would just, I don't know go along with it. I ate the grosests food in jester cafeteria today and had the weirdest conversation with two very interesting and cool guys that I have already met from camptexas. That was like almost the most fun I've had in a really long time I'm so glad I decided to go and wasn't to scared. I was so scared about coming to UT because it is so big and I just didn't know if I could adjust after going to such a small catholic school. I'm so glad to be away from old people and meeting knew ones. High school was such an almost horrible experience, I hope college is so much better. So I'm in this room with these two guys, one who I met at camptexas and he looks exactly like the guy from rookie of the year he doesn't know it but I have this incredible, horrible, obssesion with him. He is just the hottest guy I have ever seen. So I met this really cool guy from tarytown in New York which is like the place I've been obssessed with since forever. He is a guy I would really like to hang out with. This other guy who is rookie of the years roomate is totally obssessed with Britany Spears I really can't stand her but I think it is just because I am so jealous that he likes her more than me. And Drew has almost naked women pictures all over his wall that makes me very jealous and I was just thinking about jealous people. The music is blasting in my ear I don't know who it is. Drew complains a lot about college ruled spirals and needing more space. I really hate that my roomate and myself don't have much in common. Everyone else seems to be like best friends with their roomates I need a really good girl friend to hang out with. Or maybe I'm just ment to have guy friends. I guess it would be okay with me I get along with them better. I think classes are going to be really fun and not too hard. Which is really a relief because I though it would be really hard. I've seen so many interesting people. I miss my parents like crazy and my dogs and sisters. I would never trade this experience for going to UTEP that would really suck. I really miss my friend Bianca and Anne. I think for labor day we are going to San Antonio if Anne and Lianna and Vero come up. I was thinking about Noodles the other day I wonder how she is. This is got to be one of the funnest assigments I have ever done. I really think I might double major whith something in Psychology because the human mind is an incredible thing. Well my 20 minutes seem to be up that kind of sucks I guess I could really write forever I need to go write my parents and some friends e-mails and then read a little for Biology and probably go to sleep I'm really tired.
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Ok, 2:10, What to say. Letters on keyboard. Can't type fast enough, mind too fast. Hot. painting. no more complete senteences, no more checking spelling. cute girl. pennebaker funny. very preety girl leaving lab. should have handwritten before typing. Roommate is size of elephant. better not make fun. probably can't help it. renee beautiful. Christi funny. smiling. this doesn't make any sense does it. must do good and not waste parents money. Mom Dad so good to me. love them but can't say it. hot. disk girl left disk. haircut. need haircut. blank, blank blank. blah blah blah,. uriefhsfkjdm Can't put thoughts into words very difficult. bing bang boom. Levi , tom jessie neel. Matt luck cause he has amanda. amanda pretty, alluring. sexy. sex must be good with her. blank again. not really, but can't type thoughts. 2:20 naomi sexy. hellena gone she s pretty peennebaker fucking riot. funny wish calss was smaller. peter ok missed si yesterday. bad. so what maybe I should have gone. arnie. goofy, nice car hes cool. arrhhgggggg james who. itch. 12345reqw abec de e fghijklmnopqurstuvwzxyz. ,. ,. ,. ,. ,. ,id hwat am I doing. apple, need own computer win computer money job. need job 15 mins weeeeee natalie sick like natalie,. massage natalie boyfriend mad. david kill me. caps lock. nice legs. sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex ha hah a ha ha ha haut ut dorm rom sttinks. disk. experiment. llab rat me nike swosh. oh o 20 min. bye move on.
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so, what am I suppose to write about? I guess just anything huh. well , there are too much things for me to do this week, so many things. I have voluntary works to do, lots of school works are due by the end of the week, still lots of meetings for organizations and clubs. Also I have to work too. that takes up a lot of time, it seems like everytime there's a meeting they are all bunched together on Tue and Weds, which I can never attend because of work. Sometimes I really wonder if work is really that important that I have to make it all the time, it seems like no one really cares if you do show up or not, you just clock in and find something to do. I don't even have a real job to do yet, I've been doing a lot of different stuff, just wherever they need me. I don't even think the people there knows me at all. I'm pretty new so I guess after a while they will know me. I thought about just skipping work a couple times , but I think I better not. but after I show up to work , there's really nothing to do. they could handle the stuff without me, so then I feel like I should have just skipped work. I forot what time I started writing, I wonder how do they know how long I've been writing. oh , I just got something cool from my ra, and a call for me to go shopping and meet people, cool, so I guess I have to go even though I haven't been writing for twenty minutes, but this thing is pretty long already so I guess it won't matter that much. well, the more I look at it , it seems kinda short! well but I really have to go, what should I do??? YIkes, well I wonder if I can come back later and continue to write , but I don't think that's possible because that just voids the purpose of stream of con. for 20 minutes huh. but I really have to go. so I guess I'll cheat this time. but I'll write longer on the next assignment to make it up I guess.
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I am often asked what I am thinking about at the moment and I can never put them into words or many time I don't' want to but I guess I am forced to right now. I am at home right now for the labor day holiday and all I've been doing is homeowrk. Whoever said that college was going to be fun was wrong. or so I think. I'm constantly going to classes and when I'm not I'm doing homework related to it. Well I guess I can't say that college is all bad. I have been to my share of parties and those are always fun except for soem of the people you meet. Especially those stupid thug guys who think they are all that. They walk aroung with their pants about to fall off with their friends talkign abotu how many girls they are going to sleep with this year. And what the funny aprt is, spome of the girls are actually attracted to those greasy guys. They are constantly after then and soem of them even fight over them. Some of these guys have been in jail like 6 times and can barely even read. DOn't these epople ever wonder about what they are going to do with thte rest of their life or is that just a foriegn concept that they just can't learn? I don't' know why I am bitching about this, I just find it a little ridiculous how girls are always chasing after guys who are idiots. And besides that why are girls always trying to impress guys. I don't know why I'm going off abotu this. I'm not a feminist who is totally against guys or anything. Actually I'm the total opposite. But anyways, when ever I'm asked to talk abotu what I'm thinking about I go blank. I can't seem to think abotu anything. But one thing has coem to me. My aunt was ina coma for over a year and dies justa couple of months ago. I always think abotu her and my uncle and cousin. I feel so bafd for my cousin. he is only 2 years old and he is never going to get to know his mother. A lot of us take that forgranted and that really irritates me. I am HIndu and we believe in reincarnation and when soemthing horrible happens it makes you wonder what happened in past lives to cause he such misery. We believe that you are punished for your wrongdoings in your next life but life does improve for you every time. Supposedly you becoem a better person each time and everyone works towards a common goal and that goal is to be truly happy, just and basically as close to perfect as you can get. Every life makes you better and helps you move closer to that goal. But of coarse it takes more times for some than others, I think. Lately I have been discussing my religion a lot. I met this guy who never knew anyone who was HIndu. He just found that so fascinating and I couldn't believe that someone had never met a HIndu. That kinda shows how segregated we all are and how we tend to stay within our same culture and try not to stray to far from it. I mean I have many friends who are not Indian and I have no prooblem with any kind of race, but I do have to admit that I do tend to be better friends and stay closer to those of the smae culture. I think this is true of a lot of peopel and not just me. But there are very few who are willing to accept this fact. One thing that does annoy me abotu this is how some people treat me liek I'm stupid until they learn that I was born in America. I see a lot of racism with my parents because they do have an accent and that really gets me mad. If anyone is ever disrespectign my mother in front of me I will let them know and trust me I am not soft spoken. I don't' know where people get off thinking that they are better than us. My parents came from India with very little money and now if I may say so my self we are probably more successful than those fools who feel that they have to show that they are better than us. Anyways, on to a more lighter topic, psycology. have I mentioned that I think that it is one of my favorite classes even though there is 500 people in it. And I'm not just saying it to suck up or anything but I really do enjoy it and I look forward to comign to it everytime. Its not one of those boring classes where all we do is sit there and take notes. even with such a big classthere is a lot of interaction which is really important to me. Well my time is up.
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Well, I really don't know what to talk about now. I can't really think of what I am feeling. I guess relaxed and at the same time stressed. I have so much chaos in my life now that I can't even think straight. I just moved to a new city and a new home. I joined a soroity where I am suppose to meake all new friends in 1 week or less. I have a boyfriend that is non-exsistent in my life now. I have school work that I don't even know how to work on. I am just a mess. I am going home next weekend so maybe that will calm my nerves. I was very much overwhelmed when I came here about 3 weeks ago. I wasn't ready at all for this new experience in my life. I was but I wasn't at the same time. I was so ready to leave my parents but not to be on my own all the time. I sometimes feel depressed that I have no life but in actuality I really have it the best. I am waiting for my "boyfriend" to come and see me tomorrow. I have been waiting for 2 weeks. Don't know how long it will last. There are a lot of guys here that are also interested. I don't know. One minute I feel upset and just want to cry and roll up and the next I just want to go out and have so much fun. I miss my parents and brother so much. My dogs are also important to me and I dearly miss them. In high school I never use to study and now I am forced to or I will fail. Which the tachers don't give a crap about if anyone fails or not. In high school they did. I have so much to get use to and I am scared to tell the truth. I don't know why this is a question because no one will read this so I won't get into a lot. I am having fun though. I have met some really cool people and I know we will be friends for a long time. My soroity has also been a big aspect in my life right now. AEPhi is the name of it. I feel comfortable there and I know I will enjoy it immensley. Well, I don't know what else to talk about. I hope everything will turn out for the better and I can realx and actually enjoy myself and everyone else.
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Right now I'm feeling kind of stressed about school. economics especially. I'm really not enjoying that class. it is difficult and I haven't met anyone in the class I can ask for help. the only reason I'm taking this class is because I want to transfer to the business school. and if I don't like economics I'm wondering if all this work I'm doing is worth it. am I going to work really hard in economics all year, get into the business school and then realize I don't even like business? I sure hope not. the reason I chose business is because I like math and I like english but I don't want to major in just math or english and business seemed to be the right combination of both. I've also thought about opening my own gymnastics or cheerleading gym when I grow up and business would really help me do that. I just hope what I'm doing right now will pay off for something in the end. I'm also torn as to wether I want to try out for the diving team. I dove in high school part time and I thought I would give it a try in college. I really wanted to cheer for texas and I tried out but didn't make it so diving is the next best thing. I don't know though if I should concentrate on cheerleading and join an allstar squad and then tryout again next year or if I should give diving a shot to be involved with an organization at ut. I thought I was going to be happy with diving but now that school has started I'm not so sure anymore. I am really enjoying myself right now without diving. I have some free time, I'm not stressed cause I have a lot to do all the time like in high school but I wonder if diving will make me more stressed and I worry I won't have enough time to study and my grades will fall. it is really important to me to make good grades right now. I am worried I am going to get to my first test and not know anything. I feel like I'm studying right now and doing all my homework and so forth but I don't know if when it comes down to it if I'm really going to konw the information. I think I'm just nervous about taking a college test. I don't know what to expect and I think after my first test I wll be ok with everything. its just what I don't know is what makes me nervous.
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I am so tired of school already and I want to go home and sleep in my bed and see all of my old friends I hate computers with a passion my stupid ethernet does not work and the front desk says there is nothing they can do all I can do is to call a number which I have been doing and getting no answer ireally miss Charley but he is coming to visit the weekend after labor day there are so many people fromschool in my psy class that I cannot stand and all of my classes area assignning so much reading for us if I read what I am suppose to I'd end up reading over threehundred pages a day and there is no way thatt is possible for me to do Biology is the worst class that I have the teacher is so boring and rambles on so fast which is really pathetic since bio is my major for the time being I have had the worst headache ever sonce I've been in Austin I just want to go home for a while and have my summer back it was so much nicer not doing anything all day except for hanging out with friends and parting all night I wish we could smoke inside I am on the thirteenth floor which is a pain to wait for an elevator just to smoke and when it gets cold inthe winter its really going to suck ireally don't mind any of my classes except bio but what if I drop the major and it was just because of the teacher from this yearwho ruined it for me when if I had another teacher I might have acctually enjoyed the subject I am so tired of reading maybe I'll switch my major to math that is so much easier for me but what can you do with math besides be a teacher I really don't want to be a teacher because I hate kids I never want to have kids they are such a pain I really don't see why any one has them tons of my friends back home have them Kim's kid is the devil himself he is so crazy and he's barely three I would not be able to raise another person for eightteen years straight my head is really starting to pound everyone heere is trying to convince me to stop smoking but I think that would drive me insane and I'd be a really bitchy person to everyone then I probally gian a ton of weight because if I am not somking I am eating that's another problem with this whole college thing getting fat I was ten pounds lighter like six months ago and now if I gian any more I am going to go crazy maybe I should take metabolife pills but I don't feel like driving to the mall in rush hour traffic oh well iguess I'll just watch what I eat or at least try to I really want charley to come to austin and visit soon he is the one person I really mis since I've been gone thats weird cause I haven't missed my brothers at all I never really got along with them any way maybe once we grow up we'll get along better I don't really care now anyway my head hurts so bad I think I'll take a nap before I read ay of the billions of pages that I have for homework twenty minutes is over up all done with this one
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While sitting on my computer many thougts and feelings come into my head. I have now been at school for alsmost 3 weeks and I can't believe it. School is finally becoming a reality. It has just started to feel like home. I am from out of state and when I came to school I felt like I was at sleep a way camp trying to meet my friends for the next month. It is true I am not at camp anymore. It has been hard for me lately because I miss home. I miss my family and friends. It seemed to me at the beginning of school that everyone new each and I was the outcast. It has been hard finding friends even though everyone is very nice. It is different here because my closest friends aren't here with me. I came from a very close group of friends and we each went different directions. I am ready to meet new people but I want them to be like my best friends at home and that is not gooing to happen. I have to understand that I will become close to the people here at school I just have to give it time. I also miss my family tremendusly. I am very close to my family and try to talk to them at least once a day but talking is not the same a seeing them. It is very wierd not seeing my sister. We are 3 years apart but we are extremly close. Every time I talk to her I get a tear in my eye. The thought of not seeing her for another month makes me very upset. She told me the other day that she felt like I was on a trip and coming home. She tells me all the time how much she misses me and that makes the situation worse. I can't wait to see her and my parents. I have a very unique realationship with my parents. They are also like my best friends. I feel I can tell them anything. The are my inspiratin and my confindence in one. I have had a lot on my ming latly about school I am very nervous about all the work and tests. I feel as though it is going to be a lot harder that high school. It has been very hard to get back into the school mode but I am starting to get back in to it. I have had a lot of distractions latly with the sorority and and tring to meet eveyone to make friends but I realize I have to start putting school in front of all that. I am here for school and I need to start putting effort in to it. I am very dilgent and like to get my work done but I don't want to stress myself out. Even though school is very important I still need to have fun. I need to balence myself. I feel that it might take some time to get adjusted but it will all work out. School has definately been tough but it has resently gotten better and I know it will get better each day I am here. I am so glad that I made the decision to come to UT and experience this great school.
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Presently my thought are on my sororities 75th Anniversary this weekend. So far I have not ben able to find a place to get my hair done; which is a problem because I have very long hair. The guy that I am going with is pretty cool. We met about a week and a half ago and things are going well. Since, I have no family coming in for parents weekend I am probably going to ask him to the game but I am not sure. I mean I enjoy his company and all but the shortness of time that I have known him and that is not for 3 weeks. I don't know what to do about it but I have to ask before midnight because I need his ID so that he can be in my sororoties block at the game. Being new around here and not knowing many people is a problem when you need dates for all kinds of things. It is hard to go up and ask a guy to something who you have only talked to once or none. It's difficult being from out of state. It seems like everyone else knows everyone else. I knowe that this is not true but that is how it seems. Getting used to the whole college thing is different. I do have my sister around so that is nice but I have not lived near her for four years so in a way it is kind of strange as well. I had a bought of homesickness last week. I tried to call my best friend to hear a friendly voice but she was not home. My other best friend was there and I talked to her, well woke her up and said hi-bye kind of thing. The net was my only way to talk to them then without disturbing anyone else because my third best freind has not left for college yet. I wrote her a long letter via email and poured my heart out. With just meeting people it is kind of hard to cry on someones shoulder . I don't know I just don't like to cry in front of poeple who I do not know. don't want them to know that I have a weakness. To everyone else I like to come off as a very stronge and together person who can handle any situation. Plus, the people hear do not know me well at all and for me to start spewing off all of my problems or thoughts might put a burden on someone else or drive them away. It takes a lot for me to be able to trust someone with my feeling. My car, my clothes, anything else but not my soul. Living with another person who I had never met before was an experience unto itself. The first morning at 6:30am her boyfreind was over and stayed the entire weekend. I am glad that she is enjoying her freedom away form home but not in my room when I barely knew her. I don't like having to stay in friends rooms my first weekend at school. It just was not cool because I had just met all of them, tooo. Just a bad situation all together. I just do not like being put in that situation. I won't do it to her. If I want to hang with one of my guy friends to al hoursa of the morning I go to his place or in the lounge or something. That is just not write. Typing non-stop like this is kind of difficult. I never took tying so I am constantly looking at the keys and thinking that I am running out of things to say with much time left. Funny how your mind sort of goes blank when asked to talk about such a loose subject as your thoughts. Not too much longer. I am most of the way there. Lack of thoughts here. It is interesting to move away and to think about how different things would be if so and so did not choose this school. The girl who I have found that I have connected is from out of state too. If I didn't have her I do not know what I would do. We did not get into the same sororities but that is cool because now instaed of gluing to eachother we are meeting many other poeople. It's definitely different here than in Louisisana. The manner that peopel have and the culture and such. I am so excited that for one of my theatre classes I get to go see the play Vieaux Carre which I am believing is based in New Olreans although I have never heard of it before. I know A Street Car Named Desire but not that one. I just do not know.
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I really miss all of my people back home. I really miss kim I wish she would take me back. I miss having her around to hold me and make me feel happy. I really really miss being happy. I can't seem to do it on a regular basis without her. why did she break up with me. I still realy don't understand. I was very good to her. lacey said I was her favorite out of all of kims boyfriends. seems like that says something. but I guess not. were still broken up and I don't see that changing any time soon. excpet I wonder what that big long letter was going to be about. I find that very interesting. could she have written about how much she misses me and wants me back. who knows, hell, I may never know and thats the problem. I really want to know. I want her to be honest with me about everything that goes through her mind about me. I would love if she would just write down every thought she ever has about me and just tell me. that would make things so much easier for me. it may hurt sometimes, but at least I would know. that would make me feel a lot better. I really hope she writes me back to tell me what that letter said. it bothers me that I can't know. I wish she wouldnt have even told me that she had written that damn thing. now its going to be on my mind all the time. at least until she tells me what it said or at least what it was about. thats all I want to know. I want to know if it said she wanted to get me back, or if she never wanted to talk to me again. I think she still wants to talk to me cause I know she cares about me. lacey told me that, and I know that. but I just want to know what it said. and I want to know what kathryn was talking about when she said that brad and john said they were talking about how I stalked kim. when could I have done that?? I was out of town, so its pretty impossible that I could have stalked someone 800 miles away. I wonder if kim thinks that I stalk her. I don't know how she could think that. its really silly to think that someone would think that. but kathryn said that brad may have told her that just to make her happy. why would it make kathryn happy that I stalk kim, even though I don't. I guess cause now kathryn knows that someone hurt me as bad as I hurt them. oh well, forget that idea. kathryn and I are friends now so it shouldnt matter that I got hurt by kim. it should make kathryn sad when I am sad. I know it does cause she told me when she called me to see how I'm doing. so I know that brad was lying now. kim never thought I was stalking her. if she did why would she still talk to me. I just wish that when she talks to me she would say that she wants me back. just like in that damn song. "when I go fishing for the words I am wishing you would say to me I'm really only praying that the words youll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me" yeah thats how it is for me. since I think she doesn't want me back yet. it would be such a good thing if she did. even though I would see her about once a month and we are 150 miles apart. oh well. cest la vie. I could deal with that just to know that she is committed to me. thats all I really want from her. I just want to know that she is committed to me. this sucks royal ass that shes probably out running around with hundereds of guys, and I'm here being miserable. if I ever found out that she was I would just go crazy. I wouldnt be able to deal with that at all. that would push me over the edge, like I'm not close enough already. even now that I'm here all I do is think about her. I've thought about her too much. I should be trying to find someone here that I can be like that with bt I really can't. I wouldnt mind meeting that vollyball player that alex was telling me about. she sounds really cool. if it was her that I saw today with that coach then shes really hot. and shes a christian too, so that would help me if she was. plus she lives a lot closer than kim or wendy or julie or erica. that would make things so much easier on me. I would really like to fall for this girl. then I could get my mind off of kim. if she doesn't come back to me, then I need to get my mind off her. but its too hard. I loved her too much. I still do. thats what sucks so much. but what can I do. not a thing in the world. I can love her all I want but if she doesn't love me then its all worthless. that bothers me to death. this is my first day of class and all I can think about is her. I liked my classes today. I have homework in every one of them. I should be thinking about that, but I'm still thinking about her. thank god my time is almost up on this thing. my wrists are getting tired. and my fingers too. this is really ridiculous. but I do see the point in it though. times up. bye
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I have too much homework to do. It is really different from high school where you could finish your homework in a couple of hours. The homework in UT requires you to read a whole lot and complete an enormous amount of homework in a short amount of time. Also, at UT, you must manage your time wisely becuase you are on your own and there is no one to bug you are pester you about your time management. Also, there are a lot of distractions like girls, basketball, sleep, etc. Going to early classes has been hard for me so far. It is really hard to stay awake for the 8 o'clock or 9 o'clock classes becuase some are just too boring because of boring professors that like to lecture over meaningless material because no one understands it. I think that if they should teach like they did in high school where they show examples of the things that they are talking about, or go at a slower pace so everyone can understand. This is because once you are lost, you really don't want to have to work really hard to get back up to speed. I really think that my GPA is important this semester becuase I am trying to transfer into the business school and out of the college of natural science. This is becuase I do not like computer science which is my current major, and business seems easier and a better track to go. Today in psychology class we learned an intereting lesson on lie detection. It kind of lost its point since the professor could not tell what the student's number really was. I want my parents to bring me a bike to UT. It is because the campus is just too big and it is too hot to walk to all of my classes. But I kind of don't want a bike on one hand because it will mess up my hair, you will have to pedal over hills, and cars don't really care about bikers as much as pedestrians. I am kind of pissed that the school is closing Gregory Gym tomorrow because they are throwing the plaza party. I think that they should have it somewhere else because a lot of people like myself like to play basketball there at night. Plus it is already too congested at night because they hold volleyball games on other courts during the night too. I really think that the UT football team is going to do well this year. Although they blew a big first game, I think that they have a chance to do something either this year or next year. I don't understand why Chris Simms chose to come to Texas over Tennessee. He is such a good quarterback to be a backup. I think he should be starting over Major Applewhite even though he lacks experience because he has a good arm and he is more atheletic. I really don't like to do these things because it takes so much time. When I first started typing I didn't realize how long 20 minutes is, but it is a long time. When I finish this, I need to start on my english paper, and do my calculus problems. My calculus TA is really stupid because she cannot teach us. She skips too many steps, and she can't explain problems very well. I think that radio stations should not have morning shows. This is because I was listening to a radio station in the morning that didn't use to have a morning show because they were new, but now they have one and it sucks because they play so much less music. Also, they always talk about really corny stuff that no one wants to pay attention to. I like it when it rains. But here in Austin is never seems to rain. I've been here for 2 1/2 weeks now and not a drop of rain. When it rains I feel better for some reason. Tomorrow is probably my best day of classes because I don't have to wake up until 12 in the afternoon. And all my classes are basically the discussion groups where you don't learn anything. I like a girl here are UT but I don't know if she likes me back. But I am also faced with the dilema of liking another girl that goes to Emory in Atlanta. The girl that I like in UT though does send me any signals that she likes me or even agknowledges that I am there. She also hangs around a lot of other guys that makes me pretty jealous. The girl in Emory is a girl that I've known for 4 years and I think I stand a better chance with her, but I hear that long distance realtionships never work out.
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Today I am very tired. Because last night I was up to two am to do my chemistry lab reports. First I thought it was easy and it wouldn't take me so long to do it. But actually it required a lot of consideration and calculations. After I finished writing the report, I found out that the report must be typed. The problem was I don't have a printer at home, and at that time, it was already ten at night. I didn't want to go to the library so late but didn't want to get it done at the last minutes of tomorrow morning. I went to knock at my neighbours' doors and asked them if they had a printer I could borrow. The lucky thing was that the second one I asked does has a printer and he let me borrowed it. So the problem had been solved. Then after this I kept on writing my Chemistry prelimenary write up. I needed put the procedures and data table up. That was a very long lab, there were totally seven experiments I need to do today and it spent me like eight pages for the pre-lab write up. So today morning I went to the lab room and turned in my lab report at the beginning of class. I am glad that I finally got it done, but I don't know what would the grade be since I was in a hurry last night. Then I start to do my experiments. It took me almost four hours to finish and after that I was so exhausted since I didn't eat breakfast in the morning. My data was so messy and I don't know if I could read them when I need to write the lab report again. After the lab, the first thing came up my mind was to go home and have a nice big sandwhich. At one o'clock, I had my math discussion class. I almost felt to sleep during that class since the topic the TA discussed was kind of boring and I already knew them. After this class, I had my Biology discussion class. This class is pretty cool because it took like 15 minutes then we could go home. So I went home and get on the line to have a little rest. I was chatting with my friends, checking email, and surfing until my roommate came back. Then we did dinner together. Tonight's dinner was good and it was the thing I enjoyed the most today! Ah, two minutes left. finally, so what else I need to say? So after the yummy dinner I started to write this assignment, and now time is up. I can go on to the next writing assignment. my hands are so tired
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I am hoping that I will be able to keep up with my thoughts for twenty minutes. It is only 8:12 and I still have 20 minutes to go. I wonder if Jared is doing ok. I hope he ate. I was really happy to see him eat so much at lunch today. I hope I don't get in trouble for sitting with him in his cafeteria. Today was so hot. I am definatley wearing shorts tomorrow. But that shirt is dark red, I hope it won't absorb too much heat. I must have lost at least 10 lbs of water today. It is riduculous how bad my schedule is. One hour in class, the next three sitting somewhere. God, finding FAC is going to be my semester goal. I can't believe how hard it is to find that building. No one else has trouble finding it but me. Maybe I have some kind of direction learning disability. I wonder if I have missplelled any words. does misspell have a hyphen? My head hurts. I must be because I am tired. Maybe because I have had my hair pulled back all day. I hope I can find that building tomorrow before I go to class. I hope history isn't boring. With my luck it will be awful. An hour and a half contemplating how the Germans felt about this and that. Why did I sign up for that class. I am doing a pretty good job typing. I hope they didn't want this in a certain form. AOL is such a waste of money. I wonder if Jared got me into the draw. I hope so. I can't wait till the game on Saturday. It will be so much fun. I hope his roomate likes me. I felt weird today just sitting there. I need to make some friends. My head hurts so badly. I need to go to bed early tonight. I don't have to get up half as early tomorrow as I did today. I think we are going to have to find a better way of comunicating. I was almost in tears when I couldn't find him. I wonder if he was mad at me. I hope not. I wish he would show more interest in me. Hopefully it is just because school started today. I guess they call it class and not school. I really didn't feel overwhelmed today. I am so tired. Only ten more minutes. I feel like I am writing a letter. I wonder how Casey and Anh are doing. I haven't heard from Lauren in about four months. She can be ridiculous when she wants to be. I wonder if she thinks I moved? I hope she doesn't come here for college. i know I would have to be her room mate and everything I did would be reported to everybody and their brother. I wonder why I have been using "everybody and their dog" latley. Perhaps no one has heard and their brother, so I feel weird saying it. I was really amazed that I got that great spot in the garage today. I think it was the same one that I parked in last night. I felt really bad for using the elevator to go up one level, but my hip was hurting terribly. It better go away for tomorrow. I hope I didn't miss a class today. All these discussion classes are going to drive me insane. Life would be much easier if I had a decent schedule. i think she is going deaf. Between the two of them, my God. She has been edgy lately. There can't be much stress doing what she does. What would happen if she saw this. I wonder if she would get upset and yell. Probably. I can't wait till it gets cooler. Better yet, I can't wait till Christmas break. I wonder how many people at UT celebrate Christmas. I need to start shopping for presents. I need to wrap the gifts that I have. Caitlin's birthday is in A FEW DAYS. Where does the time go? I wonder if this rambling means I'm crazy? I wouldn't be surprised. I can stop now.
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Right now I am sitting in front of the computer, completing this assignment. I really wish that I had worked on this assignment earlier. I am now starting to worry because I have to finish Calculus homework and read a few pages for Engineering. And I have to finish that one problem that no one can seem to get. It is bugging me that I left that one problem unfinished. It is also bugging me that I left that problem blank and completed the others out of turn. I never thought about that before, but I do get bothered when things aren't completed in the order that they're supposed to be. Weird. I just had an epiphany. It is really weird how you think of things at the strangest time. Whats also weird is how you can sometimes say a word over and over, and if you say it enough times it starts to sound really weird. Like a word you've never heard before. Take before. Before Before Before Before Before Before. see, it starts to sound really foreign. That is really odd. And it works with every word, too. Hmm. thoughts are all scrambled now. Not thinking of much anymore. I used to think of how much I missed home. now it is not so prominent. I don't think of Roshi as much. I still do sometimes. But it comes and goes. I am not going to let myself get trapped like I have before. It is just a vicious cycle. I feel much better this time. I have somehow learned to overcome sadness. I dunno exactly how it happened, but I have learned to overcome and bypass it. It doesn't consume me anymore like it used to. Now that I think about it, I am really starting to wonder how I managed to do that. Inherently, I think that I can get fixated easily; that right there is a sign that I am bound to get hurt one of these days. And I have. but I have learned. The question is, how? Hmm. oh well. No matter now. As long as I can do it. That is good enough for me. Maybe its the college atmosphere. Being alone and on my own. In a sense, anyway. I look around my room and realize that I do not miss home. I don't know why. I missa family and friends at time, but I don't MISS them. Its weird. Maybe its because I don't consider myself away from them. Mysha said that this was like a camping trip, and everytime we went home was no different than coming back from a vacation. Hmm. i don't think thats so, but it certainly didn't feel too different on Labor Day. Maybe I need to stay away from home longer. Hmm. that must be it. Mysha got me thinking about Roshi again. Hmm. makes me wonder how easy it is to meet people here. It can't be too hard; lots of people have already met people. I jsut need to go and try. Steve knows how to do it, but he has nothing to lose, he has a girlfriend at home so he doesn't care much about making a lot of friends. Comes natural to him though. I honestly think that that is the only thing really bugging me here. I feel an immense sense of confidence, all except for that. I am liking the way I am handling things, liking the way I have kinda built back my work ethic, and liking the fact that I can make my own decisions. I am starting to feel better and better about college life. It is great. Except for all the people. There is something srange about the people here, something difficult to finger. A sort of fakeness. Many people are geniune, but there are others which seem unapproachable. People don't act the way I am used to seeing them act in high school. Maybe that is it. Asians don't act like Asians at home, for one thing. Most other people act the same, but the Asians here don't. A little different. a little meaner? That can't be it though, I really need to meet more and judge. Ugh. i feel like I've just cursed myself for saying that. I really didn't mean that. I am being too cynical I guess. But you can't win them all. I am happy otherwise; I have met a few good friends, I like the campus, and I am close to home. I feel connected in all aspects. UT was probably one of the best choices I ever made. My Dad thinks so. he told me the other night. I always hated when he judges whats good and bad based on what he thought, but he is right this time. He usually is, I've learned. Almost always. I need to learn to respect that. I'm the one who's usually wrong. Oh well. Better late than never. Time for Calculus.
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well, topday when I was sitting in the cafeteria, I was thinking about something. my roommate mike, said to me, "congratulations for not cursing for over a certain period of time. " that was kinda strange because I don't usually curse until I came onto this campus. I have no idea why. he asked me if I did it at home a lot, but the truth is, no I don't. I don't usually curse. the only time I ever did that was if I felt pain or something. I never felt the need to curse and I know that it's a filthy habit. I also know that it's not a very classy thing to do. I can't figure it out. I have noticed that I curse a lot and I've made attempts to stop. but the truth is, I don't really want to because it's fun. I don't to it often enough. well, at least that's the conclusion I came up with. that's really been the only thing on my mind other than girls and big breast and stuff like that. that's kind strange too, because I know that it's not important to me. it's actually very superficial, but I don't care. I have fun talking in vulgar manners to my friends and stuff like that but that's not me at all. I know that it's not but I can't stop sometimes. well, I can but I choose not too. . FIRE DRILLL!!! oh well. last I left off was awhile ago. I kinda lost train of thought. I don't remember what I wrote and I don't feel like reading what I wrote. now I feel kinda tired because I walked up the 13 flights of stairs. I wasn't as tiring for me as it was for my friends. I'm expecting some letters from my little sister. she's suppose to send me some important stuff like my id and credit card and stuff like that. I'm kinda worried because if someone steals the credit card, I'll be in big trouble. a couple of my friends do drugs and have already had sex and stuff like that. I hate to pass judgements and crap like that so I pretend that it's all good. I don't even know if it's a good a idea to confront them about it. well, it's not like they're my friends or anything like that, but I did meet them here. I don't know how confidential this writting assignment is so I don't want to say too much. lets just say that I see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to write about. I know that it's stream of consciouness but if there's nothing on my mind, what am I suppose to write about. the first time I heard about this, I thought about hemingway and his style of writting. students that went to my high school studied hemingway and I at least know that he wrote stream of consciousness. I wonder if I'm out of breath. would that effect how well I think. cause I'm writing this stupid assignment, and I seem to have trouble because I'm thinking too much about breathing. I always have this huge headache. I think it was because it was hot outside and now it's cold. I don't know. I don't care. actually, this assignment is kinda of easing because I can just write whatever I want and know that as long as I turn it in, I'm ok. no matter what I say or how I say it, it's all good. but, when I came in the room after that firedrill, I didn't want to do anything but lie on my bed. I'm sleeping and my mind is wondering off in some weird way. I know I have to write for 20 min. and I have another 3-4 min. to go. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm not even thinking anymore. I got to pee, but I don't want to unless I'm finished with this assignment. man I got to pee. ok, I'm going to end this assignment now that I think I'm done.
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I can't wait to drive back from dallas to austin today and get to stop in waco on the way to visit bryan. i wonder if bryan and I will end up together again. i wonder if we'll have a future. do I know my husband yet. i can't wait to find my perfect soulmate and grow old with him. will steven and I ever end up together again. how am I going to end up doing at UT this year. will I make my closest friends through the sorority. am I going to make a lot of new friends on the rugby team. does brittney take advantage of me through our friendship. will philip call tonight like he said he would. is anything going to happen between philip and I. i hope nini has a safe flight back to houston. i hope papa joey's feeling better. are my parents going to feel like they're reliving they're college years when they come to austin for parents' weekend and getting to see all of their fraternity and sorority brothers and sisters. does clay ever miss me while I'm at school. how many children will I end up having. when will I start having children. i really can't wait to start a wonderful family. will abby and I stay best friends for life. are abby and daniel going to end up staying together. will rob end up being okay with abby and daniel. who will be my most serious boyfriend this year. will steven and I become closer and closer as time goes on. will bryan and I stay in touch for forever. is he ever going to come back to dallas with me. is my new house going to feel like home. will I end up trying out for cheerleading. if I do try out, will I make the team. will I be at UT again next year. has it been 20 minutes yet because my mind keeps rambling off to random thoughts and time seems to be going pretty slowly. will I get asked to TX/OU weekend, I really hope I get a date, but what if I don't. will kevin and I become closer throughout this year. are kevin and hilary going to end up getting married. is bryan going to end up dating another girl this year and if so, is there relationship going to be pretty serious. is dad nervous about how well his store is doing. i wonder where I'll live when I end up getting married and starting a family. will our family be "well off". am I ever going to get divorced (god forbid). will I have any children who are disabled. who will my husband be. do I know him yet. what will he look like. will he be jewish. when will I get married. i wish this 20 minutes was up. 7 minutes to go. i can't wait until tx/ou weekend (if I have a date) and my friends will get to stay in our new house. 6 minutes. will bryan and I ever have sex. will the next person I have sex with be my husband. will abby and I get along throughout this whole year. do I really for sure have to live in the sorority house next year. if so, is it going to kill me pretty much. i really want my own room next year. i can't believe all my fantasies with guys are being shot to hell (dan, philip, etc. ). why can't I just find another guy like bryan except one that goes to UT and is jewish. bryan's the most fun and perfect boyfriend I've ever had, I just wish he wasn't as cheap. will steven and I really decide to try dating again. does steven really like me deep down. 3 minutes left. i hope I do much better in psychology this year than I did last year. will I end up going through with my major in child development. is my future career going to be related to child development. will I really end up working with kids who have special needs. i really want this to be over with because I have to pee really badly. 1 minute left. i hope UT this year is much easier than provisionals was last summer. will I ever meet that adam grossman guy. if so, will anything happen with that, he's hot!!!. i hope I get to meet him soon and hope he's a fun guy. YEA!!! TIME'S UP!!!
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I am so tired. I cannot wait to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed. I really didn't think I would miss home that much, but apparently I do. Seriously, I cannot wait to go in the car and drive back to Kingwood. But it's not like I am homesick. Well, actually I guess I am homesick, but it's not for my family. To be quite honest, everytime I talk to my mother, she annoys me. But what I do miss is my bed. Not the house, because we don't' live in the house anymore. NO, we have to move two months before I leave for college. What were my parents thinking??? Obviously they weren't. But I do miss Garden Point. I really want to go back to MY room. But, now I have no room. Honestly, I do not consider my dorm room MY room. Thinking of, I definitely need to bring back some more stuff. Pictures and frames - stuff like that. My room mate brought so much crap. It makes my side of the room look so bare. But at the same time, I DID bring a lot of stuff. Anyways, this weekend. My date with Hal. I really don't want to go at all. I know that I completley led him on. I mean I could have told him that I was joking, but I didn't. I basically told him that I liked him. BUT HAROLD PITMAN! - UGH! I still sound like I am totally in highschool. I know that in college you are supposed to throw away all your passt conceptions of people, but how can I do that about the guy who teased me for like 3 years. How many times can you say, "But Mr. Blayney, I'm only eleven?" and think it to be funny. I swear in seventh grade I could have shot him and Ryan Ochoa. Ryan Ochoa is another boy, who I would never ever date. When he got to be such a heart throb in high school is beyond me. But then again, I never ever thought that I would have a crush on Cyrus. I am such a hypocrit. The amount of time I was telling Gio, not to like him and not to go for him. But then again, Gio and Cyrus would not have lasted anyways. Gio is so prude, Cyrus would have either dumbed her or cheated on her pretty quickly. Gosh, I really hope that this assginment is completion, or else you will think that I am a really shallow and superficial person. Not to meniton judgemental. But actually what can you expect coming from Kingwood High School - thrid snobbiest school in the nation??? I seriously had fun at high school, but it definitley was a different type of fun than the type of fun I'm having now. I mean in high school I hardly ever drank really, until my senior year. But even then it wasn't EVERY weekend like I do now. I mean, we used to do stupid stuff like go to the airport and play airport tag, wrap or in the case of Dawn "condimenting" houses. But now, it's frat parties every weekend. Not that I am complaining, because I am hanging out with Brandon - what a hottie. But he is so rude. and Kimberly - honestly, I havent' talked to her since 7th grade. It is so wierd how people who were so close are now so far appart. But anyways, maybe the frat parties and the drinking is what is making me so tired, because I am pretty sure that I had less sleep that I am having now in highschool. Is this even stream of consciousness??? I ended up talkign about the same thing I began with, but I guess it is because I did go off on several tangents. But oh well - time's up!
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When I was young, I always like to lied. I remember one day I lied to my mother that I went to library to study. But instead, I went to the nearest video game center to play arcade. When come back from home, I told my mother that I study very hard in the library. After I said that, my grandmother smile at me for a moment which last for about few seconds. At that time, somehow I got strange feeling that something is wrong, but I am not very sure about that. I kept thinking about the wicked smile that my grandmother gave it to me within that two or three seconds. Then I decided to analyse this situation carefully. First, when I lied to mother at that moment, did I carelessly show any sign of unordinany behavior, like shaking my body or showing a very dishonest face without I knowing it. Second, did I say something wrong or stupid, that have indirectly showed me I am lying at that moment. Third, did my clothes have any cigarette smell? Or did some of the people saw me enter the video game center and tell the incident to my mother? Or is it my grandmother just want to smile and being nice to me, and I am the one who is too sensitive about the smiling incident? Even though I made many hypothesis, but I still could not figure if something is really wrong. I am kind of nervous and just keeping thing that incident. After dinner, my mother asked me why does it take me so long to finish my study, and I told her I have a lots of homework to do. Then she said I was lying because my sister had followed me and seen me enter the video game store. At last, this incident had ended, and it also prove me that my six sense is correct.
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In Phl 304 we've been talking about Kant and Deintology, which leads me to a question:why am a writing this; is schoolwork a hypothetical or categorical imparitive? Do I really care what the about the answer to that question? No. I'm just picking my brain. Frustration is undoubtedly a major hinderance to my well being. Why didn't the tab button work when I pressed it? Heplessness is abundant in my brain when it comes to computers. Thinking of the word helpless reminds me of that CSN&Y song. They're such a great group- but not as great as Buffalo Springfield- their predecessor. Whatever. That's the word that runs through my head most often these days. I really wonder whether it matters what I write in this assignment. Who in this beauracracy of a University is actually going to read this? I doubt much if it would matter if I just wrote something like "I enjoy carrots" over and over again. Whatever. There's that word again. Every time that you ask for more, its the sound that makes the colors go blind, and everything comes in three's, but your face shows 2-lost in a watershed-way out of tune. Got that? I doubt it, in fact I doubt you made it this far. Lack of patience most likely. Patience is a very admirable quality. I wish I had more of it. In fact, ever since I arrived here my patience has been raped, but I'll get more into that in writing assignment #2. believe it or not, its been 20 minutes, and though this "stream of consciousness" seems to be more about this assignment than anything else, I am just articulating what is on my mind. I guess that doesn't really matter if this isn't being graded. Since I know no one will read this I may as well confess that my dog, Skeezy and my friend Chico spend most nights defecating on all the wombats in the toilet, but that doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is that Chico also likes to slap a alligators to death with a certain part of his anatomy. This really seems to impress Iranian supermodels. Go figure.
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Tired, stressed, already sick of school and it has only been the first week. What can I say other than I have to do great this semester. I never knew that school would be this stressful. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I really do not have time for. I feel like my brain is on overload and don't know when I am going to get all of this stuff done. Hungry, what can I say, I am always craving something. I am sitting in my dorm room all alone because my friends have all gone out to this Sig Ep party and I opted to stay home and catch up on things that I need to get done. I hate typing too. Although typing is a lot easier to do because it is a lot faster. I just hate it when I mess up and hit the wrong key. It really irritates me when my phone rings late at night and it is one of my friends from home and you can't understand a word they are saying because they have been out partying all night long. Have you ever noticed that when people have had a little too much to drink that they get real emotional? When I returned home last night from being out, one of my friends from home was hysterically crying over something a guy said to her at a party. He commented on what she was wearing and obviously she took it the wrong way and got mad. Of course I knew it was no big deal, but she really thought it was. This morning, of course, she ran into my room wondering what had happened last night and why she got upset. It was such a big deal last night, but this morning she was so embarrassed. I have done the same thing that she did. Gosh, I miss my parents and I never really thought that I would. My senior year I was so tired of the high school scene. I think I was the only one of my friends that hated my senior year. Well, I can't say that I absolutely hated it, but I was ready to go on to bigger and better things. My boyfriend lived here, so maybe that's why I wanted to leave home so badly. My phone bill is going to be so high this semester. I talk to all of my friends so much on the phone. I also talk to my parents a lot too. I especially talk to my mom. I was always so close to my mom and it is hard to be away from her. I could always drive home one weekend. It is not very far away. I just found out today that we are going to have to go to ten hours of study hall every week. It sounds bad, but I really think this is good for me especially coming into my freshman year and trying to get adjusted to this new life that I am leading now. I was always independent, but now I feel that I am on my own for good. I really like only depending on myself for things.
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First of I would like to clear something up. Yes you did pay for Bally's but for the money you paid I wore Walamrt and Target clothes and Payless Shoes. I also hardly think that the $30 a month you paid for me equates to the Hundreds you pay for Andrew. Second I paid for that Fronce trip myself and then paid my self back at S&S. In no way did you go into debt in anyway on my behalf. I did earn a lot of money this summer. I spent very little of it and saved most of it - so YOU wouldn't have to pay for stuff in college. I don't think having a car is a sign of love- I think it is a sign of favoritism. That's what makes me cry and get really upset. The two main reason's Andrew got a car was not that he has a job (that's why he's keepiong it) but because he's a male and Dad obviously identifies with him more. Nevermind that I try to save money, do well in school, or generally try to make life easy for you. I guess maybe if I act like an obnoixious bastard, and think only of myself, and step over every one I could get a little appreciation in this family. Having a car here is imparactical and honestly, I don't know what y'all can do to make me feel any better about that car thing. The damamge is done. My whole life I felt loved and I'm not saying I don't fell it now but the car thing and then you trying to play it off as acceptable was a big blow. I was very upset. Not that I didn't mean what I wrote, but I could of said it in a kinder way. I had a really long talk about it with Will and he made me feel a little better about it- the car thing. The reason I get so upset is not because I want a car (it's impractical here) it's that it symbolizes something. Logically I know it means nothing, but I still hurt when I think about it. I'm really confused. I think I get emotional about it because I think it's so unfair, I can't do anything about it, and I get so mad I cry. Another thing I have observed is I can't talk to dad about it. I don't know why I feel it necessary to "protect him" from me being sad about something he had a large part in. I guess it's the same logic that made me not ask more than twice for a car myself- he always looked really sad that "he couldn't afford it" I can't even really talk about it with you; I have to write about it. I guess it's because we've communicated through notes for as long as I can remember. Maybe I get sad about it because I don't understand why I feel this way and no one understands my feelings. I really meant it when I said I didn't know what could return me to the way I felt before the incident. And all the while I'm thinking what a ridiculous reaction to a car. I was upset about it at home, but here there's a lot of time to think. Here, no one LOVES me. sure maybe as a friend but not the same kind of love that I was SURE of at home. The car thing left me a tiny bit less sure of that love so that's why I'm upset about it. I KNOW that objects don't measure love. It's just that you don't do such an unjust thing to someone you love- give a hugely expensive, and a sign of higher status to someone younger and less considerate. I guess it's really the injustice that hurts me. This letter itself is really ironic in some way. I write to soften the blow to your feelings when you obviously didn't think of my feelings at all -and here I am up at midnight worrying about yours. well I'm going to bed now, I've got school and work tomorrow.
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right now I am worried because I just submitted a blank form. I pressed the tab button and instead of moving the cursor it highlighted the submit button. When I started to type it send a blank assignment. Oops. I want to play football for the longhorns I watched football all day today and now I am ready to take the field. My stomach is about to burst. The never ending pasta bowl at The Olive Garden is hurtin me. The Astros won their tenth in a row. Sosa didn't hit any homers. This might be one of the weirdist assignments I have ever had. I wish the tests were like this. I would have an A. Writing for this class has caused me to remember how to beat the lie detector test. Squizing the sphincter has got to be the way to go. My roomate was hit on by a homosexual this weekend. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it made him feel a little aukward. I am way behind in all of my classes. I am writing this on the day before the extended due date. I have to read so many chapters in every class I think my eyeballs are going to fall out. My chest itches. I am tired of typing and I still have twenty more minutes on the second writing assignment to finish. It is about eleven forrty five at night and I am ready to sleep on my concrete bed. It is negative thirty in my room. I wake up with a runny nose every mourning. My breath stinks. It smells like Italian food. Our waiter tried to make conversation with us tonight. He ask where we went to school and if we played sports. We told him that we were freshman at UT and that we lost our scholorships due knee injuries. He started to laugh and replied with " yeah, I remember high school, playing sports and smoking joints!" High class service. Times up.
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Today I have only one thing on my mind. Her name is mary. I met her at this party a while back and we kinda hit it off. I never reallly saw her or talked to her, but the other day I saw her and it was on. I am really worried about tonight. I have a date with her tonight. I hope I don't screw it up. I hope that she likes me as much as I like her. I hope that I don't screw things up. Well whatever happens happens. This is weird I havent really thought about a gitl this much since Christine, I think that I still think about her sometimes. I don't know why I always do, I just do. I thik it might be because I liked her so much. It is funny because I never slept with her. It doesn't matter that much though, I am a fucking liar. I need to stop lying. I don't do it to be mean or anything I just tell little lies and they get big. I need to be honest with everyone. I am who I am I can't please everyone. I think that one of these days I am really going to get myself into some major trouble. wow I can't type as accurately as I would like to type I want to be able to type with no errors but I think that will be immpossible. I feel really guilty about missing class. I have missed to many classes already I know I am better that that I think I will see how long I have been writing now. sometimes I feel really dumb and unattractive. I am going to hook up with Marry I like her a lot dammit and for gods sake I am going to hook it up. I mean that I want her to be around for awhile I am not going to be scarred of this one. ever since about my sophmore yeah in high school I have been really scared of relationships, but I am not going to be any more. I know that sometimes I will get hurt, but that is just the game that we play. If I want to win I got to play the game. I do want to win. I will win, if I keep playing I have to remind myself sometimes that the game goes on. it doesn't stop because you are having a bad day. Well lU think that I have really kinda lert my mind go off. I am kinda hungry and a ciggerete would also be nice. I can't eat though cause I just ate and that would be dumb. I have been smoking less and now I only smoke lights I think that it is a good thing that I am only smoking lights. a pack of reds would be really good. But I have to smoke lights for a while. I must remeber to only smoke when it is cool. I can't smoke too much tonightbecause I don't want to send the wrong message. I think that my typing is getting a little better. Well maybe it isn't I don't know I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I doubt it If they did really read this they would probbably think that it was complete shit. Maybe not. Who knows I wonder why nobody ever emails me. Well I get stupid forwards but they are really dumb must of the time I wonder what the fuck is really going on in the world these days I want to drink a beer or two or three. I want to get laid. I want love, sex and euphoria. I want it all and I want it to be given to me. I don't want to work, I want to float through life. I want things to be easy I want to pursue my hobbies. I want to get paid for listening to records or maybe making them if someone else wants to listen. I think that music has to be hyping yourself. nobody puts out a record to listen to it themselves. they try to make money. well it looks like my time is just about up. Bye
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Well this labor day was good. i got to spend it with some very special people to me, and also since it was my b-day, I got to have a lot of fun with those people! hehe gosh. i spent a full 3 dayz a way from home, and not a care about school! Well I take that back, since I am doing one of my psy assignments. hehehe. but none the less, I did not really think about homework! hehe it is great! I wonder why everyone thinks I am a freak!! I just don't like veggies! Is that so hard to believe? They just don't taste good to me. much like steak does not taste good to vegitarians! Sheeesh. i take more shit about that than I do about anything else. haha hmmm. soo I need to be getting back to austin here pretty soon, so I can get some of my other work done, and actually go to work! But I really don't want to. haha. why is it that our society has become based on laziness? Why is it that everyone thinks it is better not to work? When did this change from a hard working, earn your living, society come about? Our society is degenerating!! Ain't it sad! Sheeeesh. we could. man. oh well. my 20 minutes is up! GUess you don't get to hear the end of that one! :)
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uh how much time do I have today is a busy day I am hungry, when will I eat I haven't taken a shower yet and I'm going out to eat after class with my brother and sister I don't like business I should just drop ba101 I I want to go to kevin's birthday party this is a weird assign mient metro is a cool place to study I should go there more often I love my dorm room I miss my mom's food I want to go home for a day this weekend I still haven't gone to zilker park jake should get out of that frat while he can before he pays any dues at least john is in over his head I wonder if he'll be able to handle all that I hope my brother is okay in the peace core I wish I was closer to him and karen they aren't like me I miss purdy and buddy last night was fun I need to quit going out so much but I like my friends they make me feel less stressed I hate that business school building it sucks why am I a business major I hate math and I don't really like science all that much art is where I am psychology os so interesteng how do you just decide to be a forest ranger kevin is cool as shit I am tired I love sleeping I wonder what all these strange dreams are about I know they mean something I am hungry or do I just want to eat why do I eat so much maybe cause I haven't been smoking as much so you smoke and kill your lungs or you eat and get fat that sucks I just need to stay busier and I won't eat as much I should get a job then I will stay thin fuck the freshman fifteen and I'll have some of my own money then I can go to miami should I transfer to a university in miami cause I love miami I miss it the rain it rained every day a nd it never rains here never rains rock yards palm trees and exotic plants beck is the shit he is so unique I wish I could meet him I wish I would meet some people like me here or some people that would be entertaineg all these white-bred frat boys and sorority girls are faking it all be real and it will be fine take care of this school stuff cause that's why I'm here I wonder what's on t. v. that t. v is bad for studying I can't believe I studied unitl 3 I miss dennis I am worried about him and james and mikey they are fucking it all up for themselves and they don't admit it I know they know it but they won't realize it why don't they just move on out of killeen it is hard though when you have frinds like that it's hard for me to make new friends now because they were such good friends that it seems no one will compare but what made them such good friends maybe they just changed me I need a cigarette but it's too hot outside to be smoking I want to check my email why dosn't anyone stop and notice me I thought that austin would be cool like that eceryone's so friendly in miami but not really , just friendlier to me cause I'm blonde five more minutes that business shit sucks I need to decide what my major should be art? I'm not that confident to be an artist I know I have talent but I don't know what I'm going to do with my life I am stressed out and I think I'm pms ing that sucks I don't want to do this it's frustrating uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh people need to use this computer t his place is busy deep breath happy birthday to kevin I hope someone got him a cake did kack email me I hope so am I leading this boy where dennis led me I don't want to hurt him like dennis hurts me still by staying in my head all the time I want to talk to him but I can't do it I can't call him natalie will probably answer then I'll have to be upset again that's so fucked up I wonder what jake's doing megan is being a bitch and I can't believe it shse just waits till we're in texas to be mad at me that's pretty fucked up
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I wonder what my mother is doing right now. I hope that she is taking the news of the weekend plans well. If I hadn't told I think I would have felt guilty. Yeah guilty. Jeremy sure is excited about it so screw what she thinks I am going to be happy and if she gets mad at that than to bad for her. My father thinks it's okay. I mis my father I miss my bed I miss my House and my dog My dog that is one great dog I can;t wait for the weekend. Showering with shoes is getting old and I have only done it for a week and I am ready to take a shower with out shoes. Grandma food can't wiat to get grandma food. That is the best food the world has ever seen grandma food. I wish I could grandma food instead of cafe foood everyday. I really don't like my math professor I can;t understand a word he says serves me right not going to that web site and reading those teachers evaluation forms. Carols back and I don't where she been. I hope she had a great time. It is nice that she lets me us her computer I am tired of dealing wiht my internet service 20 minutes is a long time to type I am so tired of my internet service how in the world are we suppose to do it that stupid ethernet card I am about to throw it up against the wall I can't' wait to see my boyfriend I wonder what he is doing right now Its only been 10 minutes and my hands are really getting tired of typing My boyfriend what a great guy I hope that he is okay I'm sure that he is. He is the best. Ionder what it si that he got me he said he got me something I love surprises I wish I got surprises everyday that would make life great great this is great some music would be nice my favorits cd I haven't listened to it in a while and I really like it I wonder ay I haven't listen to it. I hope that Susan gto her paper done Man I need sleep I am so tired I think that I am going to get some disease if I don't get more sleep than I have been I have a sharp pain in my wriast from typing that's odd I wonder why that is It's been 15 minutes and it seems like forever "Who will save our soul" Jewel I really like jewel I really need to take a shower oh well I'll take one tomorrow I always have to think is tomorrow spelt with two r's or two m's. I can't ever get that right. Carol is cleaning I wonder if she will notice that I am writing about her she is great I like all of the people that I have met and my mother didn't think that I would make any friends. SHe was so wrong I think that 20 minutes is way to long my brain actually feels tired I wonder why that is It's probably because I wonder about too many things too many things I can't wait for Halloween maybe I'll go to a costume party that would be fun I havn't gone to one of those in a while I'm sure that there will be one some where around campus I love Chickfila Carol has a chikfila cow I think that's great I think maybe I should have bought one of those as well. I wish I had but than again I am a college student and like all other college students I have no money. No money I wish I had money it would make life so much easier or would maybe not maybe so that's a good question to ask myself money probably would make me lazy which would make me fat Yuck> I am so excited about this weekend it makes me so happy to think about showering without shoes on and real food and all of the animals at Sea WOrld Its been a long time since I went to sea World to see all of the shows. This ime I am going to watch the shows so Jeremy can see them and that is Oma's favorite part the shows I always upset her beacuse I hate the shows this time she will be happy.
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