text
stringlengths 7
12.8k
| Openness
stringclasses 2
values | Conscientiousness
stringclasses 2
values | Extraversion
stringclasses 2
values | Agreeableness
stringclasses 2
values | Neuroticism
stringclasses 2
values |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Writing about the stream of consciousness is really not my thing. The only thing I understand is that I am suppose to put my feelings and thoughts as of now, on paper. Well, what I am feeling right now is tiredness. Last night I only had 5 hours of sleep and I am really tired and sleepy right now. I figure, since I have time to kill, I better do it completing an assignment that requires action and movement to keep me awake. I am suppose to meet a friend for lunch at 3 o'clock and it is merely 1:30. As I said before, I really need a nice comfortable mattress so I can take a nap. Other than feeling really tired and lazy, I am also feeling happy. I am glad that I am where I am and grateful for my parent. I realized that that last sentence really didn't make any sense. Oh, well. In a way I can blame the tiredness I have inside of me on myself and partially on my cousin. I blame myself because I stayed up late on the phone talking to the friend that is taking me out to lunch today. Then I can blame my cousin because she wanted me to take her to get her immunization shot. Then what turns out is that the clinic we went to did not operate immunization. Which brings me now to understand that I am frustrated as well. Being that the clinic that we went to, didn't do immunization, I am going to have to wake up early again on a different day to bring her to another clinic. I really, really hate waking up early. No matter what it is for, it has to be pretty important for me to get away from dreamland. This seat that I am sitting on right now is really too high for me. Either that or I am really short. The seat is so high that it has my legs hanging off the ground. Which really sucks because it is making my knees hurt. They feel sore now. The truth is, is that I am really not that short. I am 5'4", so that is about average. Anyway, I realize now that writing about your consciousness is really strange and something your think about at the spur of the moment. Trying to put every- thing down is kind of frustrating when you cannot type as fast as you think. Well, the 20 minutes are up and I have to run. I don't want to bore the person who will be reading this. Although it is already boring as is. | high | low | low | low | low |
For some odd reason, I felt really cold all day long. Whether I was in my room or just walking around campus, my insides felt really cold and hollow. Maybe it is due to the fact that I had to come back today. All weekend long I was at home in Round Rock. The thought of having to come back really annoyed and made me nervous for no particular reason. Sometimes I get in this really dark mood and I imagine myself attending all these funerals, and all I can see is black and empty space. I wonder why I feel this way sometimes, but I always come out of this zone and cannot even remember what triggered me to have these images or feelings. Whenever I get this way, all I see is the vision of someone dying or screaming in pain from something so horrible that cannot be explained. Once, I had this dream and I witnessed what seemed like the end of the earth; I came face to face with celebrities that only I dreamed of meeting, and when someone would die, their name and accomplishments in life would be announced on an intercom. You see everyone was captured in this underground tunnel type of cave and we were all waiting for the tide to come in and take us away. As soon as I heard my name, birth date, and my few accomplishments in life, I could taste the saltwater in my mouth and that is when I woke up crying and all wet from sweat. I was really scared and curious to why I had such a dream, but I could never really comprehend what really happened, nor could my friends. Some of my friends gave me back some interesting feedback, but the majority of them thought I was definitely insane. But after that weird experience, I have not had another experience like that one. The cool thing is that one of my good friends was doing an interview the next day on weird things that people experience and she interviewed me. My quote " I witnessed the end of the world", was in the school paper. Some of her friends on the staff wanted to talk to me about my dream, but I figured since they heard everything I had to say in the paper, there was no reason for me to elaborate any further. Another weird encounter I have had with near death was that in my dream, I was at my mother's funeral. The weird thing was that her death was due to cancer. Well that seemed kind of odd because there was never any talk about my mother ever being sick. Well in my dream, I felt so alone and cried out to her and became hysterical. I couldn't help myself. When I woke up from the dream, I was crying and I was covered all over with sweat. Those two dreams are the only serious ones I've come upon. But I wonder why I have such dreams; could it be a result of my odd days when I feel dark and hollow, or is it caused by some stress factor experienced during the day sometime. I have heard that people have weird dreams when they can't sort out all their problems during the day. I am really interested in why people have odd dreams and would like to further study the factors as well as reasons that cause these events. Whenever I have a dream, I hate the fact how I can never remember the following day, even though it's what wakes me up. Why is it that one can have a dream and after he awakens, he can no longer remember what or who was in it. I would really like to study the causes of our dreams and the reasons why we become so disturbed, yet can remember nothing. It would be interesting if someone did an experiment on students as a project; to detect and understand maybe the basis for having dreams. | high | high | high | high | high |
There is this chomping sound coming from my brothers mouth. He's eating cereal. Sometimes I am jealous of this, because he has his own place with a kitchen and food and everything. Even Quinby has his own place with a kitchen and everything. Someday I will have these things for myself. My own life, with my own things. Like in Days of Our Lives. There will be days of my life when I do what I want, with whomever I choose. Until then I must continue doing things their way . Everyone else’s way, like my mom. My nose itches. It is a very natural thing to scratch an itch, or itch a scratch? It is very annoying to itch. When I got sunburned, I itched extremely badly. Sara laughed at me because I was jumping around in discomfort. I never want to feel like that again. Sunburns suck. I miss Sara though. Even though I did not see her much, I always knew she was just down the street. But things are different now. That made it sad for me to leave. The fact that she isn't down the street anymore. That was like a security for me. Just knowing. I am in a hurry to finish this assignment. I have to be in class in about half an hour, and I am nowhere close to where I need to be. Life can make you feel like that. Like you are never at the right point, where you need to be. Everything in never alright. That's and oxy-moron. Things don't work that way. But things do tend to work themselves out. You just have to keep moving to get through the bad stuff. I always want something better. I feel like I am always in transit. It's had for me to be happy with the present. At least I can let go of the past, now. That was an accomplishment for me, not to dwell on memories anymore. Still, I look forward to, and fear the future. I do know things are good now. I am on my own, a little bit. I don't want to rush things. I am in no hurry to grow up. Well, not a big hurry at least. I do want the rest of my life to come. I want to marry Quinby, have a house, and pets. I am going to have a rabbit. Maybe two. Kids eventually, but not for a long while. The television is such a distraction! I can get side tracked forever. I like how it takes me out of this life. It is definitely an escape. | high | high | low | high | low |
Today has been an interesting day. I woke up late from a bad dream and instantly felt I was in a bad mood. Then I went into the kitchen to have a bowl of cereal and I thought I would read the morning paper the Austin American Statesman to keep up the what is going on in the death of Diana, Princess of Whales. Since I am starting out in my major right now, which is Journalism, I find it most fascinating that such a huge world story would be at the forefront of all media coverage in every medium. It seems strange that I am 29 years old and am just beginning to read the newspaper for the first time. It is somewhat embarrassing to think it has taken me this long to be interested in my professed major. I am actually studying Public Relations, but I have to study Journalism as the foundation for my study. I guess I chose PR because my dad is the Public Information Officer for the Portland Fire Bureau. He has worked there for over 25 years and I used to accompany him to work on some occasions when I was a kid. I think I liked going to the fairs where his fire prevention trailer was set up and we had displays of actual things that had been found after a fire was extinguished. Also, we would show films on fire prevention with animated characters that would appeal to other kids. I liked watching those and helping rewind the film to show it again and again. Also, I loved helping pass out junior fire fighter badges to kids as they came in and out of the trailer. Oops!! I just got interrupted by a phone call while typing. It was my husband's Professor that is the chair on his dissertation. Her name is Nina and I always joke with Thomas that she likes him and is trying to snatch him away from me. I don't really believe it, but I like to tease him. I know Thomas will be very faithful to me. That is one of the things I love most about him. Anyway. Getting back to an original point from what touched me this morning was the fact that I read more articles in the paper about the death and mourning of Diana, Princess of Whales. I think the articles have caused me to deeply admire the princess and the life she led that I didn't even know about before. I don't worship Princess Di, but I feel very saddened by the fact that she is now gone. The articles revealed how much she is the People's Princess and how everyone from all corners of the world are in deep distress about her death. I think to myself, wow! What kind of person is this to touch so intimately so many lives and to cause nations upon nations to mourn her so. She did many wonderful things for the poor and she had a genuine interest in helping children and AIDS victims. She was the compassionate and humane side of people that reached out and gave others hope, not by elevating herself, but by being a servant. In some ways, I see her doing a Christian's work of being a servant and helping and loving those less fortunate. I believe it is the most wonderful thing when people have power and/or fame which demands mass attention and respect. I love it when these people use their power in a positive way to reach out to humanity and make the world a better place by showing grace, mercy, and compassion to all peoples of the world and not just the rich or other famous. I am so grateful that we still have people in this world who are motivated by the integrity of wanting to make things great instead of showing off how much power they have, or worse yet. by abusing that power for evil purposes or intentions. I am feeling very sad once again. Why is that these wonderful people who reach out and make positive impacts on us are usually plucked out of our presence at such young ages. I wish that humanity as a whole would be more on the positive side and looking for the good in each person. Why do we judge one another and value others more highly than another. I believe every human life is precious and deserves respect and dignity. I am thankful for people such as Princess Diana and for the example she has been to so many. That brings me to another reoccurring thought. Is it good enough to just be special or important to others or does one have to prove themselves worthy of esteem by his or her works. I believe we are saved by grace and not by works lest any man should boast. God wants us to recognize that He is the one in control and we will not realize how good life can be until we recognize who is the giver and taker or life and turn to Him for guidance and help in this life. So getting back to my earlier point, taking Princess Diana as an example. Some people are mad that we are celebrating or focusing rather on the death and life of Princess Diana this whole week in the media. Well, why not. she touched so many around the world personally as well as through the charities and campaigns she was devoted to. Isn't it important to take a least a week to honor her for who she was and what she stood for, like why her death has left so many people feeling distraught. Yet others complain that it is old news already (only three or four days after the accident), or people are just bored with all the coverage because after all she was just a foreign princess who didn't DO anything like make new laws or something important like that. My goodness!!! That just burns me up that people equate how important you are by what you have produced or established. That is unfair. I think there are lots of things made, established, what have you that doesn't mean much to society as a whole. Every day there are new pieces of legislation or rules or ideas that have zero impact on me or others in the world. Why should the proposers of those things mean more to me than someone who has actually gone out and visited the sick and dying, who has given of him or herself personally for causes they believe in. I know that when we die, all we take with us our memories of relationships we've made and times spent with family, friends, or colleagues. Why is this world so focused on accomplishments that are so ME-centered than spending our time reaching out to others with help, hope, and healing. Why can't we share one another's burdens instead of always gratifying ourselves. Haven't people realized that there is no joy greater than serving others and using your gifts and talents to reach out and build up relationships has a joy unlike any other. My wish is that people will carry on Princess Di's compassion for those less fortunate and would continue the torch of servitude to give others hope, help, and healing. We could be such a strong world if we would only learn to love and serve one another. Well, this has definitely succeeded the 20 minute allotment. I thank you for reading this, or at least for allowing me to get these things off of my chest. It has been aching in my heart a lot this past week. We need more heroes like Diana. She is an example to us all. It is so tragic that my profession of journalism is what helped put an end to the life of one so dear and so special. I pledge my spirit to use my journalism skills to expose our true heroes for the building up of mankind, not to drag it down even to the death. | low | high | high | high | high |
It is now eleven o'clock and I'm getting hungry for lunch. I don't know why I'm hungry, I just ate a couple of hours ago. I really wish I didn't get hungry so often. Sometimes I think I'm not really hungry, but I just like eating. I'm not overweight, but I really haven’t felt good about my body for a couple of months now because I've been away and too busy to go to the gym as often as I used to. I'm worried that when I go back home to California in a couple of months for Thanksgiving people are going to think I've gained weight. When I go back I want to look good, even better than when I left. I can't wait to go home, well actually, I can. I know when I get home I'm going to wish that I was still back here. My dorm room is already starting to feel like home to me. I was really upset that Joe didn't call last night. It's been over two weeks since I talked to him last and he had promised to call the next day. I don't even have his phone number so there's no way I can reach him. I swear, that boy drives me mad! Oh, well, I'm not going to think about him any more. I'm really glad to finally be doing this assignment. I've been meaning to but my computer isn't set up so it's been impossible to do. I am so frustrated with this whole Ethernet thing. I've been to the store so many times and they never have the part I need. Finally I thought about using the computer lab here in Kinsolving. It's really nice as a matter of fact. It feels good to be on a computer again. I miss mine from home even though I wasn't on it very much. I wonder if anyone will ever really read this paper. I think I would laugh at half the stuff I've written. I don't know why I'm telling you these things, you don't even know, or care, who Joe is or that I have a computer. This place just got really full, it's weird how people seem to come in clumps. Have you ever noticed that at places there will be no line and then all the sudden there's a huge long line? That's weird, I think. I miss my dog. He died this summer while I was away in Germany. I just wish I'd given him more attention when I was home. I knew he would die some day, but I just never thought it would be so soon. I miss the meyers. That’s the family I was with in Germany. They were so nice to me, I felt like part of the family. Not many people get to do all the cool stuff I've been blessed enough to experience. I love to travel, but it's always so nice to be home. I was never bored this summer. That's a first for me. I'm almost always bored. I didn't get any letters today. That's the first time I haven't gotten any since I've been here. It kind of sucks. Sorry for swearing, I don't usually swear. I still have ten minuets to write. I'm running out of things to say. You must be so bored by now. Someone is playing music in the lobby. It's really annoying me. I can't wait to go to sleep tonight. Why am I always so tired. I don't even care if I go out anymore. I'm so jealous of my roommate. She is always doing cool stuff with her sorority and I haven't done much yet. She's really cute. I love her curly hair. We tried to make mine curly but it was more of a wave. It looked good, but I didn't know what other people would think about it. I just realized people could e-mail me down here That's good because people have been bugging me for my address. I can't wait until my computer is running. I'm so excited for the football game on Saturday, I just hope it's not too hot. I hope we beat UCLA because a lot of my friends are going there and I know that they'll think of me when they see UT and I want them to be jealous that the Longhorns won. That's bad that I want them to be jealous. It's not really what I want, I just want them to think of me. It would be really neat if I could get on TV then they could see me here and know that I'm okay and having fun. I really am having fun, but it sounds so fake when I tell people that, like I'm just pretending or something. ljliujiojkl | low | low | low | high | low |
I am so glad that I came home this weekend. I really miss all of my friends and family. I feel like I need to be studying for some of my classes right now. I want to but I also want to spend time with my family. I need to go shopping today. I still need to buy an answering machine and some shower shoes. I really like UT, but I just feel so lonely sometimes. I am so used to being in high school and seeing all of my friends every day. I am so used to being able to ask any of them for help with homework when I needed it. I really miss them. Now most of them have gone so far away and I won't see them for a long time. I am so happy that I got to see Vicky yesterday. I had not seen her in a long time, but it is almost as if I had never left. I can't believe all the things that she told me yesterday that I had never knew before. I am nervous about going back to class on Tuesday. I am so afraid that I am not going to do well in college, but I really want to . I feel like I am already behind because I have alot to do. I am starting to get hungry now. I haven't eaten all day and my stomach is starting to hurt. I can't believe that Princess Diana died. It is so hard to believe. I feel so bad for her kids. I feel like I have so much to do today, but I don't know where to start. I am so tired. I want to go back to sleep. I want to go out and do something tonight. I haven't gone out in so long, and I am tired of staying home every night. I don't want to sit at home and watch TV again. I wonder if mom and dad are going to go somewhere again tonight. I hope that they don't. I would rather them just stay home with me. I wonder why Michael is acting so weird. Sometimes he is nice to me, but then sometimes he won't even talk to me. I really don’t want to buy anything today. I have been spending so much money and I feel like I am running out. Maybe mom and dad will help me out and pay for a few things. I wish that the rest of my friends were here. I really miss them. When me and Vicky were talking about them yesterday, it made me miss them even more. Now I am feeling like I was on Friday. I was in such a dreary mood because I felt so alone. I wish I could see more people that I knew at UT. I wish that my parents would stop nagging me all of the time. Sometimes I feel that I can never do anything to please them. I ready to go back to Austin. I can’t study when I am at home. There are too many thing to distract me from doing it. I am really hungry now. I think that I will go and get something to eat. | low | high | low | high | high |
Wow, I really don't know what to write. All I know is that I'm kinda behind on my studies. The bad thing is that it's only been the first couple weeks of school. I know I shouldn't procrastinate like this, but I just can't seem to help it. That's why I'm doing this assignment at the last minute. Bad, huh? Hummmmm, this chair is kinda uncomfortable. I just took a shower and my hair is still kinda damp. I have really long hair, so it takes quite awhile for it to dry completely. I really miss my boyfriend. The funny thing (at least it's funny to me is that I'm Vietnamese and my boyfriend is black. Well his father is black and his mom is half Arabic and half French. My boyfriend, Mohamed, was born in Africa but moved to Paris when he was only one years old. He's lived there for the past 18 years or so and have been here in the U. S for only two years. He speaks five different languages. Pretty impressive, huh? I have no idea why he hasn't called me yet. I haven't seen him in two weeks. I miss him sooo much. I wonder if he misses me or not. What do you think? My problem is that I'm not calling him until he calls me first. That's just the way I am. The guy always has to make the first move. I guess if he really wants to talk to me or hear my voice, then he will sooner or later pick up the phone. I really hope he will call soon. I really, really miss him. I guess it has to do with the fact that he is my very first boyfriend. If my parents ever find out I'm seeing a black guy, they would absolutely FREAK! That's how they are. Actually, that's how I kinda was. I told myself I would never ever like anyone but Asian guys. Boy, was I wrong. You know what, my arms are kinda getting tired now. For some reason, I'm sitting real straight up in my seat. I never do this when I'm just typing for the heck of it. Maybe the fact that I know this is for a grade makes me a bit uneasy. Oh well, I don't mind. There, I kinda sat back a bit and it feels a little bit better now. I just yawned. great, I need to stay up kinda late tonight to do some other homework. I have ten more minutes but I don't know what else to write. I guess I type kinda fast, and so it seems as though I'm writing a whole lot, huh? I don't know how you are going to grade this. I know it's gonna be a completion grade, but how are we going to benefit from this. I bet you're just making us do this so whenever you don't have anything to do, you can just pull these up and give yourself a good laugh at our expense, huh? NO, I'm just kidding. . Oh, Oh, OH, OH, yeah, yeah. I love you more than I can say. , I'll love you twice as much tomorrow, Oh, OH, I love you more than I can say. OH, don't you know I need you so, OH tell me please, I gotta know. Do you mean to make me cry? Am I just another gal, That was just a song that I usually sing when my mind has nothing else on it. How do you like it? It's kinda funny how sometimes I think of myself as pretty decent looking and at other times, I think I'm the ugliest troll. Why is that? One day I would have complete confidence in myself and the next day I would feel so small and vulnerable. Why is it kinda weird for me to meet guys, especially Asian guys. Well, I kinda know the answer to that question. Since I'm Asian and I want to meet an Asian guy, I tend to feel more self conscience when I'm around them and that results in a behavior that's not really mw. I've noticed lately that most of my guy friends are white guys. Because I don't really see them as a potential romance interest, I am very relaxed and calm with them, and I guess we just click like that. I know I should do the same with Asian guys, but it's hard just b/c they're Asian, also. Why is it so complicate, man? Well, tomorrow, my friend Cheryl and I are gonna take a bus to the mall. I've only been on the bus twice here around campus. I've never taken a bus on a highway before. I have a feeling it's gonna be quite an experience for the both of us tomorrow. Wish me luck. Man, my whole arm is aching now!!!! Isn't that weird? Okay, I'm gonna stop Bye-bye. . . . . . . . . . | low | low | high | high | high |
*****Why does this keep going to the left instead of down a space at the end of each line Prof. Pennebaker?????************* As I sit in this library, I can't help but notice the pleasure I get from the quietness. It is the same feeling I get from sitting in a park or on a golfcourse. Perhaps even in a bookstore. The quietness provides my mind with an escape from the everyday world of horns, traffic jams, and yelling. From this feeling, my mind seems to work on a smoother track, with less obstacles to overcome before I can finish a complete thought. If the world was in a complete silence at all times, or perhaps even if I were deaf, I believe I would be wiser and would be able to formulate thoughts easier. Does this mean that deaf people actually have an easier time getting by in the world? Or is their inability to communicate too much of a burden. Maybe this is what's wrong with today’s world. Communication lines are so mixed up due to language barriers and different types of slang that the world is like one large deaf fishbowl. In that case, deaf people WOULD have an easier everyday life because they would be minus the struggles we all go through with communication. If communication were an easy things, and we all saw eye-to-eye on all issues, achieving things such as world peace, business agreements, and compromises would be no big deal. Where did the communication lines go wrong? Why did humanity branch out into hundreds of different languages and tongues when one universal language could have eliminated so many problems. The answer to that will most likely never be found. This girl sitting to my right is awfully attractive, but I can't muscle up the courage to talk to her. Is it once again the problem of communication, or does this have to do purely with a lack of courage. I would like to think it is a communication problem, but that would probably be just a lame excuse for not talking to her. Of course it is a lack of courage. Although I know she won't bite my head off, slap me, ignore me, or flat out dis me, I still am too much of a coward to begin a conversation with her. What if she knew what I was thinking right now. Would she be flattered, embarrassed, insulted, or just flat out shocked? I guess I'll never know, unless I ask her. We both know that isn't going to happen because we've already established that I'm acting like a coward right now. No big deal, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Wow! I can't believe how fast twenty minutes just went. Writing without structure is a lot more enjoyable then writing with it, and as they say: Time flies when you're having fun! | low | low | low | high | low |
So it's time for me to start writing this assignment and I'm really tired. I've been studying all day and my brain just can't take it I've decided that the brain must be like a muscle in that if you don't work it out regularly it gets out of shape. Right new my brain’s fat fat. But that's OK. I've started running and through running I'm going to learn more self discipline. It's really annoying the way the screen doesn't return automatically I wonder why the heck it doesn't do it. I guess it's some programming error but surely it can't be hard to do. I've decided that running is just a conversation. One between your body and mind. Your body says ,"Hey I don't feel very good can we please stop. " And your mind says "I know but we're almost there can you give a little more. Lately when I've been running I have been giving up before my body has too. This is further proof to me that my brain need conditioning. For the past year or 2 I have given up running for Aikido. I've decided to get back into running. Man this isn't very stream of consciousness. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I seriously doubt it that's one big \ freaking class. But at least I know one pretty girl. Now that I think of it why the heck does this form ask for sex. I mean are they going to do some kind of statistical analysis or something? No way what could you do? count words? When I think of psy class I think mostly about the pretty girl I know in there. I'm helping her out with this computer stuff. I wonder if she has a boy friend. I wonder why I care. I sure don't need a girlfriend right now. This is the first semester of my new life with my new major. Don't need no girly distractions. I about an hour I'm going to see a movie with my home crowd . /We're seeing swingers. I like it because it's a "nice guy" movie. with realistic camera shots. Wow it's already been twelve minutes. Over halfway there. Man I hope the research part of this course doesn't take up too much time. I think it out to be extra credit or something. Maybe they should defray the cost of the course or pay us or something I hate being a free guinea pig How the hell do you spell guinea. I 'm sick of paying fees toot this university. When I was at UNT I didn't have to pay sooo many hidden fees. They always lurking around the corner. Today was a pretty good day . Except for playing the stupid video game before starting this I have been very productive. I went to a habitat for humanity meeting. Maybe I'll start doing that on Saturdays. I'm hesitant to commit though because this is my new and improved life. I hope my grades improve this semester or I'm just going to have to quit school or something. I'm kind of tired of school. I want to get my hand on the real world and start making a difference. It’s amazing how much I’ve been using the letter a and how terrible a typing job I have been doing. , It’s my roommates keyboard. It’s extra sensitive or something. I wonder why I keep cutting off the middle of words whenever I hit return . You'd think it would bee natural for me to hit return whenever I finish a word My fingers are cold. This room is 60 degrees. Man I wish they'd turn up the air. | high | high | low | high | low |
Well, I'm in my boyfriend's room typing this. I'm pretty sleepy too, I'm in Longhorn band, so I had practice last night until about 8:30. Then I went to a freshman meeting and decided to run for freshman representative. Believe it or not, I actually won. It surprised me a lot because I don't know anyone. I've met lots of people, but I don't really have any good friends there. It makes me really happy. I feel like I can now establish myself there and be a leader in LHB. This assignment is pretty weird because I really do write like this in my spare time. Whenever I get stressed, I usually grab a notebook and just write everything that comes to mind. This is different though, it's a little harder to type your feelings. It somehow loses some emotion or something. There's really not much stress in my life right now, except the usual going to college stuff, but I'll write about that later. My French horn teacher was really mean to me on Wednesday. He's this little old man that looks kind of like Yoda. He always wears bolo ties and well, he's just a little jerk. He enjoys watching his students cry and have emotional breakdowns. We'll see! I've never let him see me cry and I never will. I think he sees me as a challenge. I mean, he's really talented and of coarse I have lots of respect for him. I just don't understand why he enjoys hurting people so much. There is a picture of my boyfriend and me on the wall. I like it. (I actually look decent in it) I always look ugly in pictures. I have this friend that always comes out pretty in pictures. I'm jealous. Well, I've surpassed my 20 minutes, so I better go. | low | low | high | low | high |
This the third time that I am typing this thing. I am so frustrated. Every time I get close to the 20 minutes I get cut off. There is a party I want to go to now I am here stuck here spending an hour doing this thing. I don't know what to type because I am tired of staring at this screen. It seems as if in the past two weeks I have had no time to myself. Between pledgship, school, and studying, I have no time. The only time I spend in my room, is done sleeping. I am just going to describe what is going on in sportscenter because I haven't watched it in about a week. Chris Berman is talking about the upcoming pro football games this weekend. I used to idolize berman. I also liked dick vitale. I was so obsessed that I wrote him a letter. a few weeks later I got a copy of his book with a personalized note on the inside. I am halfway done! I am starting to calm down. I have never been to hot-headed. I try to keep a level head all the time. The only time I really cut loose is when I am in a competition that I feel I can win. this may not be very often but when it does happen I thrive on the situation. Only eight minutes left. I really respect Pudge Rodriguez. he is the catcher for the rangers, my hometown team. I also like ken griffey jr, he seems like a team player that gives his all every game. mo vaughn is a very large man, he won't win any stolen bases titles anytime. only five minutes left. I like the expos and pirates, just because every year they are competitive even though they have no money to win with. they are building their team through the farm systems, which is how it should be done. I hope to get good grades. I wish this assignment was over. I love college football. I loved to play football but I never was big enough of fast enough to play up to the level I wanted to . I hate danny schayes. his dad was a great basketball player. One minute left!! my favorite team is the cowboys. I love going to the games and cheering them on to victory. I think my time is up so I will write later! the simpsons is the best show on tv by the way. and caddyshack is the bast movie ever! | low | low | low | low | low |
today if the first Sunday that I have been here alone and it is interesting because I don’t have my parents looking over my shoulder telling me what to do. I can just walk out of my room and go have a cigarette. this is different because before I would have to think up an excuse to go and have one. my feet are cold right now and I need to take a shower. I didn't get up till about 11:45. the MTV music video awards and not very exciting and I am tired of listening to all of these peoples memories about their favorite moments. they, the awards are just a simple kind of propaganda. Michael Jackson does like little boys and should stop trying to cover it up with all those insignificant women. the only reason he wants children are for the obvious. it sucks he has that kind of problem. many people do like to eat corn but they don’t seem to serve it here in the jester cafeteria. I wonder if this is going to get through because I cant even send my mom an email. it would suck if it didn't. this is the largest class I have ever been in. I hope it is the most interesting. I need to check how much money is in my account. I came with alot and am still wondering how much I will leave with. Dana Carvey is a funny guy and I figure he had a bad childhood because his brother is a bearded man who rarely says a word. I miss running track. I need to go and workout but will when I’m done. Hanson is the most ridiculous group in the whole world. if they can make it I know that I can. I am really infatuated with this girl and hope that I run into her again, actually there are two that I am. Eddie Murphy is a pimp. I cant believe that princess Diana died. I think that she staged her own death to get away from the photographers. she had been harassed her whole life and would have and could have been driven to such extremes. I do not know how long I've been writing but will keep writing for another ten minutes. I feel like Beavis and butthead because I am verbalizing all of my thoughts. I stayed up till three o’clock last night and still slept nine hours. the song by Aerosmith, dude look like a lady, is it about a homosexual or a crossdresser. is cross dresser one or two words. I still think that notorious b. i. g. and tupac are still alive. I need to get the c. d. tom petty and the heart breakers greatest hits because I miss listening to them. I still seems I haven’t written that much. van halen is so cool, not. this is ridiculous my thoughts. Daisy fuentes is hot and I’m glad that she is not bald. what is Marilyn masons deal ?>????. he is a freak and I had the pleasure of meeting him and his band in the theatre. he was busy throwing gummy worms at the people attempting to watch star wars. he reminded me of a lost child. maybe that’s why he dresses like he does. he is a freak. the chocolate milk in the cafeteria is good. I kind of want to go to breakfast tomorrow because I have never eaten in the morning in the cafeteria. I have done absolutely nothing today and I thoroughly like it. I do need to go and take a shower because that would be proper. I wonder how many people only take showers every other day. I wonder if commercials actually do influence the ways people buy products. that's it has been twenty minutes. | high | high | high | high | low |
Well, it's becoming quite obvious to me now that the homework is beginning to pile on, but I'm perfectly okay with that because of all the stuff I went through last year in school. I did one of these for my psy class in high school and I remember some of the stuff I wrote about was quite funny, but hey, it's a stream of conscience. I actually love doing these kinds of things because for the majority of the time, the way we think is a stream, and it's never-ending. I really want to play tennis sometime soon, but today I just don't have the energy. I wonder when I'm going to get physically ill from staying up so late every night, and changing my habits a great deal. I'm getting quite used to the college way of life now. It's rather scary that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with calling my Jester dorm "home". I definitely miss my bed in my real home. I wonder what else I have to do tonight. I love having all the assignments, tests, papers, quizzes, etc. ahead of time so I can plan ahead and not be able to blame my teacher if I forget something. This is really good for typing practice. I love my schedule, yeah tomorrow's a terrible day for classes, but aren't all Mondays terrible. I can't believe my hand is cramping up already. That has got to be a bad sign. Sometimes I really am not sure if I'd want people to know my stream of conscience. At times it can make people sound very stupid, like now. I'm very excited I received a call from Jeff tonight, he's such a great friend and I haven't seen him or talked to him since I left Albuquerque. That's a terrible word to spell, but hey, living there my whole life I should be able to do it in my sleep. Oh, sleep, that sounds like a great idea. I am way too tired to do anything, but that's when I need to force myself, and just get into a studying groove. I'm really not looking forward to the noisy people that will be hanging out below my window tonight, playing guitar, singing, talking loudly, until early hours of the morning. Then I'll have to call down to the Jester desk again and complain. They must hate me by now. I wonder when I follow up for the psy experiments. My roommate has way too much stuff around her desk, but she lets me use her computer, so it's a fair trade. I love typing, although crazy as it may sound, I do. I am just itching all over. I want to go outside, but I really don't feel like leaving the comfort of my room and face the people of Jester. I am terribly blind with out my glasses or contacts. I really need to call in my contact prescription tomorrow, so I can actually see. I feel that I've been more tired lately because I haven't had my contacts, and I'm self conscious about my glasses, so it's quite a strain on my eyes, and as a result, I am more tired. I just lost complete track of my thoughts. Oh well, must start on a new track, I mean isn't that the purpose of the exercise. Speaking of exercise, I really want to get out and run a few laps, I know that it would help in being so tired. I'm tired of the Jester food, I've been living off of bagels, not from Jester. My roommate just came in and told me something that changed my thought pattern and now I'm concerned with the issue of how guys talk about girls, and how they treat girls. The whole issue is a problem of some sort in everyone's life, I just wish I didn't have to deal with it. I am quite addicted to diet cokes and diet drinks in all, I think I have a serious problem, yet I live for it. I feel like one right now. Boy do I need to do laundry. It just keeps piling up, of course the one day I finally decide to do it, everyone else has the same idea. I can't wait to go through the dorm experience, and then move on into an apartment and have things of my own. I wonder if I will have an apartment next year, and I wonder who would be my roomie(s) then, if any. | low | high | high | high | high |
Well, I figured I should write this right now while I have time. I am really busy lately. It kind of seems like I have no time for myself anymore. I am trying out for crew. There are a lot of people trying out though. I think like 130 people are going for 32 spots. I hope I make it though because I don't deal well with failure. I tried out for the soccer team and did not make it, but that was a little unfair because I did not know the work out to prepare for and everyone else did. So now everyone probably thinks I just wasn't good enough when that really was not the reason. I was just too exhausted after running to play with any skill. Oh well. I guess it taught me how to cope with failure. But it really hurts every time I fail. I tried to get into the business school and was denied. That got me so mad. There are all of these total morons in the business school. I know because I take classes with them and always make better grades than them. But alas, they can do what they want with their lives they entered right out of high school. Oh well. I am still going pre-law so it doesn't matter. Unfortunately my roommate and a lot of my friends are in it, so it is a constant reminder that I did not get in. But I think that all of this just makes me a stronger person. I am trying to be really involved this year. I am lifeguarding for the rec center. It is kind of fun, but I kind of dread going to work all the time. I just seem to have a lot of things on my plate. I had a fight with my boyfriend the other day. I am not sure if it was his fault or if I caused it because of all the stress I am under. Oh well. I think that things have really changed between me and my roommate too. Last year we used to be like best friends, but now things are different. She seems to be really distant. I am not sure what is wrong with her. Maybe it is my fault. I am not around as much as I used to be, so maybe she just wants more attention and is finding it elsewhere. She also has a boyfriend, so she spends a lot of time with him, which is fine with me. I just feel like things have totally changed. She went to a party last night and didn't invite me. Weird. I think I am really different from most people. I always seem to put everyone else's feelings before mine. I just don't understand why people don't do that. Or maybe I don't understand why I do that. Like, I would invite everyone to come with me if I was doing something cool. But all the people around me just I think are selfish. Maybe I just need to find a whole new group of friends. I mean, I had my first day of tryouts for crew, which was a pretty big deal to me. And when I see my boyfriend, he doesn't even ask how I did. He totally forgot about it. That gets me so mad. He seems to forget about everything. He then says how he is a bad boyfriend. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him. But don't get the wrong impression of me. I am actually a very happy person. I am just going through a lull right now. Once I get into a normal routine in my life I think I will be a lot happier. I just wish that my family was here. My parents live in Virginia, and it is hard with them so far away. At least my brother is here with me. That makes it a lot easier. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here. I never realized how dependent I was on other people. I always thought of myself as a kind of loner, but I guess I really am not. I like being around people, and maybe I do get jealous when they do not choose to be with me. I think I really need to work on the jealousy thing. That is probably why I am having problems with my boyfriend. He finally made some friends here, so he hangs out with them. I think I also don't really trust him. I don't want him sharing intimate things about us to them. He was asking me the other day why I back away from intimacy and am afraid to talk about it. I just don't like talking about it. I consider it a private thing, and should just be shared between two people. It is nobody else's business. But I guess since we are in college, that is the way things are. Sex is on everyone's mind. But it just doesn't really seem to be on my mind very much. I would much rather just cuddle that have sex. Maybe I am weird, I don't know. But that drives my boyfriend crazy. He want's to have sex all the time. I think that is a major problem in our relationship. Oh well. Well, I guess my time is about up. I now have to go to crew again. I should do good today because it is strength training. I am pretty confident about that. Well, I guess I only have one more of these to write. That relieves some of my stress. Actually this was pretty cool doing this. I could just write down what I have been keeping inside. Pretty neat. | high | high | high | high | high |
Ok. Stream of. "Come as you are. I wonder if anybody actually misses Kurt Cobain. "No I don't Have a gun"? What? this is really a dumb song. leave it to a group named Nirvana, whose leader shot himself. Blues Traveler, much better group. I wonder how many people have killed themselves because of Kurt Cobains death. That takes intelligence. Kurt's dead, life's not worth living. Why did I wait till the day before this is due to type it. Ohhhhhh I love this song. It reminds me of my boyfriend and I. "When she says she loves me". except I don't say I love him because according to every one of my friends I'm afraid to tell him I love him. Something about a fear of commitment and love. I guess it's all supposed to be Nathan’s fault, my ex, for cheating on me every day for a year and a half. oh well. " When she says she loves me. say you love, but you don't speak love". Good song. I wonder how many people actually think about the words of the songs they listen to. Oh yah, classic Sting. I have absolutely no idea what the name of this song is. I never really liked Sting anyway. I should really be doing my other homework. What do I have to do? English paper, read my classic civilization, read my English, study Psy notes, and phl notes. I guess I can do most of it tomorrow. Third Eye Blind. Where do they get names for these groups? Tomorrow is another day{Go Scarlett}. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. At least I have a decent boss for once, not some 57 year old pervert. what time is it? Wow 15 minutes really flies when your writing a paper that you can't possibly fail. I wish they were all that easy. Yah right. That probably wouldn’t get me into Med School. Medical School, four more years of college. Hopefully I can get through these first four. I can do it, because I’m good enough I'm strong enough, and dog-gon it, people like me. Well it's been a great 14 min. I'll be back at it tomorrow to do the other paper. I need to do these more than a day before their due next time. | high | high | high | high | low |
I am wondering whether or not I should try out for the dance team. In away I want to so I will have something to be a part of but at the same time I'm fearing the inevitable rejection. Rather than be rejected I'm just not going to try but then I'll always wonder whether or not I could have made it if I had tried. If I do try out and then I fail everybody will know that I FAILED AND I'll be embarrassed. I risked failure when I pledged but I did it anyway. My neighbor failed and I didn't think any less of her so why should I think any less of myself. I'll look fat in the leotard and tights, but one reason I want to do it is so I'll stay in shape. Everything is too competitive. I wonder what my cats doing since when you gave this assignment you mentioned a dos so I started to think about my cat. Then the picture frame I got today since I have a picture of my cat but I have to get another frame for my cat picture. My entire room is decorated in cat things. I found a gecko in my room today. There not have as big as the lizards we used to find in the house when I lived in Arizona. they used to be at least a foot long. I wonder what I'm going to do tomorrow I have reading to do in the morning. I can't help but put in capital letters at the beginning of sentences and periods. My mom wanted me to copy this and run spell check, how stupid. that what you get for having an English teacher for a mother. I want to get a calendar to put up all my things. I’m scared to death I'll miss something like a homework assignment or test. I wonder if I need to be studying more often. It seems like I'm not doing enough. I don't know what I'll do if I fail. I hope I'm doing this write. It seems like the paper is just going on and on and on. I seem to worry about failure alot. I hate typing, I never memorized where the keys were so I keep goofing. My parents always told me to take typing but I was too lazy and afraid I was going to not get an A. I wonder how my sister got involved, society of women engineers. I say a bent today on the way to class. The other graduate students are coming on the 19 here. I bet it would be easier if I didn't repeat to myself what I was typing I need to go by the Newman center to meet n9ice boys. Why bother I never going to get married I probably not even going to get good grades and I'll never get in to med school and I'm going to flunk out. God I hope not or I'll end up as a house wife not that that's bad but I always wanted a career and my sisters so successful. My parents would be so disappointed. Now I'm starting to sound negative like that survey said but I was much more optimistic in the survey I wonder if those ever prove anything or if people really lie to themselves when they're doing those even though they think they're being realistic this girl beside me took forever doing the survey. How much time do I have left? IS anybody even ever going to read this? Probably that was why it was done on the internet that reminds me of the guy I sat next to in Chem. I hope he doesn't think that I was offended by his remark it doesn't bother me I'm used to it with Adam and all. I feel like I've typed forever and it looks like nothing on this sheet the way it goes to infinity on the right. I keep on thinking about what to type instead of just typing what I'm think I just its just a habit from writing so many in class essays and such I'm so happy I passed the AP that way I don't have to take any English classes and I showed Mr. Cody and my mother I wonder what Patrick's doing. He got a 5. The girl at dinner the other night was so stupid she thought she got a 560 and the SAT's and the AP's were the same thing that's why I'm not a pom that and the fact I'm not talented enough since I spent a lot of high school studying instead of dancing or anything else. I can't imagine having three hours of practice a day. I guess I had as much with games and all but it seems like a lot less. I had a ton of fun at games though and wouldn't have given it up for it now. That's how I tell whether or not it was worth it if I would trade it for something else now not that I could go back and repeat it so I guess it doesn't matter anyway. | high | high | low | low | high |
The day is over again and still so much to do and to think about. I hope my parents are settling down up in Colorado with good business and a place to live. I hope no conflicts will occur although I know they are going to fight one in awhile. I miss my mom the most. she cried at the airport and I can still see those tears in her face. her voice was so weak when I called to say hello. is this it to college life? I wonder where Tim is has he called me and left me a message? I have precal class with him first thing tomorrow morning and I don’t know where to go yet. I hope to get my beeper soon because I needed really bad and I don’t know when ill get it. as I look at the screen I wonder if the writing will ever go down onto the next line, or will it go on forever. I really want to go home I feel as though I have to be with her 24/7 and I feel like she'll follow me everywhere I go. I don't want her to , but at the same time I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I hate it when she smokes she smelt so bad in the classroom wow it finally has moved down to the second line. this stream of conscious writing is kinda pain in the butt because it is nearly impossible to actually start typing without thinking about what to type. lookin at the screen uhhh she wants to come over today but I don’t want her to I feel as though she's gonna stick with me wherever I go and I feel like she's never gonna find a friend to hang out without me. but I shouldn’t think like this because she’s my friend and we've known each other forever. but I feel that she’s going to hold me back in the future as we go on. either that or we're gonna fall apart, not easily, but I feel that someone’s gonna get hurt and I don’t want to be the one hurting her. my head itches. I gotta go home and call my mom and talk to my dad. I wish they had the same kind of water here as Colorado. their water is so nice. I would like to know if Tim likes me or just as friends because he actually we act the same way towards each other but I don’t know if I like him or not so I wonder if he feels the same way. my pastor is here from Dallas to teach bible study and I kinda feel guilty because I said I’d see him and stuff when he is down here but I cant get my self to go and sit and listen to him. I feel bad. I wonder what lee is doing he seem so quiet yet outgoing but not really I would like to get to know him but I wonder if he even knows that I exist. I think he does but who knows. sitting here typing wondering what time it is . what can I eat for dinner? I have an eye appointment tomorrow and I want to meet Tim somewhere so we can go to class together. cant wait to go home I’m kinda glad I didn’t room with her I can't imagine how hurt she'll be if she really knows how I feel. she gets on my nerves time to time and she asks me if she gets on my nerves, but I can never tell her that she does because I don’t think its right. I want my friends to come over to my apartment but I don’t know how my roommate is going to react. how am I suppose to find a roommate for next semester when she leaves . it almost time to go I hope they don’t make us read this later on in the semester. I think I really want a boyfriend but not really, I don’t know what I want. Michael is pretty cute only if he was taller I would fall for him so hard. but I’m glad we're good friends. I’m kinda glad that they broke up too. I think she’s too self fish and he can do so much better. I better memorize the medical terminology by Thursday. what should I do this weekend I bet she wants to come with me I feel as though every time I’m with her I’m blocked off from the crowd in a way I’m uncomfortable with her around other people. I wish she stop smoking she looked so crappy up times up and I don’t feel like typing any more. | low | low | low | low | low |
628-10-1670 Sean crow male 1 I sure hope this thing works. I hate computers. I have been trying to figure out how to use these things forever now and I am going to pray that it w works out well . Does stream of consciousness require correct punctuation I sure hope not. I am tired today because I stayed up tell four in the morning and woke up at nine o'clock. the guy sitting next to me is weird because he types so very loud. I sure hope this assignment works out all right. Psychology is very interesting to me. I used to want to be a psychologist until I realized doctors probably get paid more. I am a not happy today. I feel that the world is against me right now. That is stupid because I will probably feel better when I finish my homework. I hate school. What is a zip? my feet are soar. I got in a car wreck yesterday and I have a bump in my head that hurts me very much. My friend was afraid because he lost his wallet that had a drivers license in it. It is cold in this room yet it is hot outside. my Eyes are tired from the sun. My sister went to Barton springs today but I could not go due to the fact that I am tired. I am the worst typer. I due one finger at a time. I like to sleep. Tequila is disgusting tasting. why do I feel so depressed at this moment. Probably because I had too much fun last weekend. It is impossible to have fun during every weekend. The rest of my weekends will probably be very bad and disappointing . I have not been in a theater in a while. I wonder what my old girlfriend is doing now. Is she thinking of me. Probably not. I think that this is not going to reach its destination. I am feeling extremely nervous right now. I think my twenty minutes is up. SOmethin is very unusual about the way this looks. | low | low | high | low | high |
The one thing that I miss here at school is my drums. I couldn't bring them with me to college because there is no where to put them. I used to play in a band and people used to tell me that I was really good but then I stopped playing and I got worse. When they were always there for me to play I never wanted to but now I wish I could play them more than anything. My best friend is a drummer but he always kept on practicing and he got really good. So good that now he is moving to Maryland to join a band. The band he is joining is pretty successful death metal band and they have two albums. I miss my friend and I hope that he is doing alright up there. He left all of his friends and family back in San Antonio and he doesn't know anyone in Maryland except for his band members and he really doesn't know them too well. I wish I could go up and see him and watch his band play since I am a big fan of death metal music. I listen to all types of music but death metal is definitely one of my favorites. I don't like it when people talk bad about death metal when they don't even know anything about it. I want death metal artists to be able to someday get rich off there music like all of the other pop artists. Because the talent that comes along with death metal music is remarkable. | high | low | low | low | high |
Stream of consciousness, I just ate breakfast and my stomach hurts, my stomach hurt when I got in my first accident two years ago. stupid car, I got in a wreck just recently I was going down the road and I came to a usual stop behind a car sat there for about 3 sec an the stupid ford ranger just came billowing into my rear end and crushed it, what are you looking for, would this be considered paranoia, why do you care so much about what I am thinking, I want to go home some times but to the home you see in movies, the ones with home cooked meals and clean rooms or even sofas to sleep on and it would be a good experience. I really want a dog, my do at home really sucks, she is old and acts like a cat, a robber came into our house a few years ago and the dog peed on itself the ran away, stupid dog. do you think I hold allot of hostility, I like to portray I don't care what anyone thinks, but that is not always true because some time to reach my goal I have to care a little bit, stupid hormones. you probably will not even read this so I guess it really does not matter exactly what I say. I wonder how long these things usually are, mine based on the amount of time I have spent writing will be four lines long, but those are some really long lines. I thing the guy next to me is hitting enter, so his is longer than mine. you know your class is too big it is hard to get any interaction so it gets boring. I tell my friend he has , he is not my friend, but I tell him he has no tact, but when I think about it neither do I and I grub with my money because I do not have much of it too spend I am 'a broke bitch!!' actually my lines are probably going to add up to about 3, but that is cool, the gut next to me has not written for 20 min, but hey jip the man, that is my motto, take as much as you can and get your moneys worth, I leave the lights on all the time in my dorm room because I want to waste electricity, and I leave the water running in the sink when I brush my teeth!! yeah jip the man. I really want a computer in my room and it is upsetting that I do not have one because I have had one all my life and I am supposed to start right now not having one what kind of cruel god designated the lot in my life for. I want to learn to hack into very large computer and take control of them, haha!! I will the most powerful man in the world, my and my delusions of grandure@idiot. com. what ever, I figured out that that could be take as an insult, doesn't surprise me though, people take to much to the heart these days! this girl I met she is a room mate of a friend of mine, but she is constantly telling people about her promissory ring and about her boy friend, but then after a party she messes around with my best friend, it is not that I am jealous of he so much that he got to mess around with her but the fact she did it at all, he gets some much action. I kind of respected her bitchiness, but then she had to go off and just go back on everything she said. dork. I am kind of jealous of the fact that Joe messed, really broke her, that is kind of cool, and I wish I got to do it just for the reason of doing it. I really need to get a girl friend, I want some one I can rely on every once on in a while. beats the hell out of me, girls are too confusing. music can control my feelings, NIN can send an adrenaline rush at me hard core. I drink too much when I drink. I do not drink all the time it is just when I do I drink too muck of it, so nothing can stop me now. I am out, this is cool I might do this again. later. | high | low | high | low | low |
well here I am sitting in front of this glowing monitor trying not to tell the editor in my head overtake me. It's more difficult than it seems but I must keep trodding. Shoot. I just realized I missed a club meeting tonight. I also remembered about the informal classes Ill be taking Monday. I should also be practicing guitar but I'm too lazy. (Homework for that matter) Boy it's something else being 27 stories up. People look like small ants moving around in the strangest fashion. Now I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel sick from the food I ate for dinner, and it's inhibiting me from my studies. What else to say. . . . . I remembered I should call Peggy since she left a message the other day, but that can wait till later. Oh, and Rob, well I need to inform him about the Houston concert info. I wonder if those airline tickets to D. C. came in yet. And where are those items I ordered from the catalog? I'm beginning to worry. I cant believe B of A charges a dollar to merely check a statement from an ATM. They also charge for depositing and withdrawing currency from the bank teller instead of an ATM. outrageous. I'm really looking forward to go back home soon. I'm still homesick, but it's fizzled somewhat since the first few days. Looking at my bookshelf, it reminds that I bought Contact by Carl Sagan, which I keep intending to read, but never get around to it. I hate that. Why did I buy the book? Well I thought Contact was an excellent movie for the moral implications that are brought up. It's a great thing to see such a science oriented film focus on faith and not mere facts. Carl Sagan must have been a brilliant man. My next door neighbors just turned up the stereo, so there goes the silence. Hmm what song is that?. Oh yeah, semi charmed life. I should look for those guitar tabs later. That reminds me, should go to the party next door on Sat. or not? I suppose it couldn’t hurt, but then I'd get further behind on my studies. How long have I been writing so far? Hmm. almost 20 min. I haven't really said anything profound which disappoints me, but then again, this is a stream of consciousness assignment. I'm liking college a lot. It gives me space ponder and let my mind wander. It's amazing the places one can go if you just set your mind free. I don't know why, but sometimes I have an impulsive urge to write poems or songs, but once I get distracted from that sudden drive, I lose the will to do so. I guess I have to be in a certain mood. I noticed that I had mere frequent occurrences when I first got here. Perhaps it was due to the seclusion and sudden separation from friends and family. Being in a strange environment w/o a guardian is harder than I thought. I feel like I'm being forced to grow up faster than I'd like to. But I suppose it builds character, and I have never been one to back down from obstacles. Think of it as a gateway to another world. Hmm time's up. My train of thought has sure been a wacky one. Bunch of random thoughts strewn together. does this represent a part of who I am? certainly, but not hardly. maybe a paradox of some sort. one thought to add is that I have been such a weak willed person lately. I have those intentions, but I cant seem to get them to take root. That needs to change, and I guess I do notice a little improvement, but near as much as I'd like | high | high | low | high | low |
I kind of don't know what to write. I am sitting here next to a guy who knows just everything about computer. I feel like I am stupid cause my typing speed and I didn't even know how to get on UT web page. Oh well, I will learn how to do that later. that is why I am here. I really like computer, I learned a lot about it in past two months. I really hope I still have AOL, so I can talk to some of my friends up there. I wrote like thousands of e-mails. But my e-mail box was empty. I can't believe it. Did all those friends of mine forget about me!!!!! Oh well! they are not really friends. I don't even know what they look like. I don't really care, but I like e-mails. I like getting attentions. =) I really miss my boyfriend. he is in Houston, and I am going back tomorrow. Coming to college can be so much trouble. I hate facing problems on my own. I need someone like watch my back or something. I need my boyfriend's support. He can be so sweet sometime. he makes me forget all the problems. I always call him when I am in stress. taking to him makes me feel comfortable. Man! my phone bill is going to scare me. but I can't help to call him. he means a lot to me. he is black. My parents don't really know about him. I wonder what will happen if I tell them. Like all other Chinese parents, they probably kill me or something. I wish my parents understand, but I don't expect too much. I know how it is like. they don't really know much about other race. They didn't even like my exboyfriend, because he is half Vietnamese half white. I been typing for a long time, but there is like so little on the screen, oh well I am going to type a little longer. I wonder how does the instructor know how long did I write. is there is clock in this program or something. it like counts the how long I been writing. I am like so surprised myself, I am writing a home work on the day I got it. and the due day is like a month away or something. I need to study more in college. I wonder if I can. I am afraid to promise myself, cause I might not do it. oh well , let's see how things go. My life is so hard. I wish I can write like everyone else. I wish English was my first language. no I don't, I am happy I can speak two language, but it was so painful when I didn't know how to speak English. it will always be a scar for me, mentally I mean. I always talk about how hard it was. I don't know if people like to hear it. Man, this page is wide. Is there a way I can make it narrow. I been writing for so long. this thing is such a pain. but I know it is good for me. I can improve my writing or something, but it is for psychology class. Anyway, it is cool. ok, I been writing for a while, I think it is enough. I am gonna stop. okay bye, until next time. =) gone sleeping =P | low | low | low | low | high |
This blank screen is staring at me and my fingers are moving in my peripheral vision and this screen is so retarded. I wonder why I put 3 dots at the end of that sentence and who made that up anyway. my shoulders are getting sore-I probably shouldn't type with my arms straight out like this. I wonder if that helps combat carpal tunnel syndrome-ok, I’m going to scoot up. I can't believe its Sat at 700 PM and I'm writing this. I'm such a nerd. actually I'm not. ,. I'm cool--but that's all relative I guess. I’m really into drinking my coffee and I’m staring at my green porcelain coffee cup with its drip coffee stains already on the side from where my lips have been. steam is rising out of the top and I really want to pick it up and have a sip of it but then this writing isn't continuous is it? Jewel is playing in the background volume 5 and she's kind of distracting. here comes foolish games. I can totally relate. I wonder if Scott is thinking about me right now--I hope he's not the T. A for this class. This is so incredibly weird. I think I like him but I’m not sure. he reminds me of Scott wolf and I can't stand him is that a bad sign? I like Richard's accent too. wow English accents are really cute. Like in London. all of the guys were so amazing. especially that one in the subway that looked like Gavin Rossdale but he was speaking Italian so I doubt it was him. I wonder How Liz is doing? And Michelle? Why isn't Ken calling me? I hate it when guys ask for your number and then never ever call you back. or else they wait a really long time to do it. Kind of like max. I wonder how he's doing I wonder about his dumb model sister in Paris. whatever. I love Jewel. I want to play piano right now even though I haven't played in six years. my gosh it's 7 :20 already and this is pretty fun. I should probably get a diary and do this in it but then what if someone reads it and thinks I'm a rambling idiot? I have an ache in my heart about the council. I wonder why my name isn't on the list? I swear, my application was the best one out of all of them. They are so retarded. Maybe it was too sweet and idealistic. maybe they think I'm full of crap and Making it up. but I really think that way. Maybe it's cause I was listening to Jewel at the time,. I wonder when my roommates are getting home they are so active. of course they didn't have to get up at 700am this morning for crew tryouts. Ok, I probably didn't make it cause those chicks are total hosses. I have a lot of respect for those girls on the team. I wonder if St4eve will get back to me on being the coxin. I have no idea how to spell that word. my tongue is dry and why did I staple Scott’s number to an orange sticky note so it's staring right back at me? He writes like such a guy. My walls are so bare. and the st4reaks of light from the blinds are coming in golden. I wish I could write songs like Jewel. I want to play the guitar well too. I miss my Dad. he's staring back at me from my wall and he looks kinda sideways and I wonder why I returned that dress. this screen is so confusing I lose my place my toe hurts and I feel full. My wrap was gross though. I can't believe they didn't take my CDs--they’re so retarded. My tailbone hurts and I hope I'm not sore tomorrow Steve was a bit extreme. I keep hitting the wrong keys I really need to get to the container store and get some hangers but I know I need to do my homework. I hate calculus homework. I’m dreading it. I wonder why I’m so down and pessimistic today? I'm usually not. Oh--gosh, I've got so much stuff to do and organize and my thirty minutes is about done. I wonder if I typed more than other people did and I wonder if a TA. actually reads all this crap and how he grades it? weird. Maybe I should play my guitar. | high | high | high | high | low |
I am sitting at my friend's apartment. The guy are watching the UT vs. Rutgers game on t. v. Why do guys get such a kick out of watching this? I guess it's entertaining, but it's not all that. It's kind of cool in here. My stomach feels nauseous. I had Chinese for lunch, and I slept right afterwards. This stream of consciousness thing is harder than I thought. I wonder why my friend is so upset about the whole internet mess. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Maybe she's just really sensitive. Yeah, she is sensitive. Twenty minutes seems like a really long time. I was trying to stay awake for the Princess Di thing on t. v. I couldn't stay up long enough. I think it's pretty tragic. Mother Teresa died the other day. I think she's done more than Princess Di, but lots of people don't even know she passed away. I'm really not in any mood to do this for twenty minutes. I am pausing way too much. I have a really funny taste in my mouth. I feel like playing the piano. I wish our class was smaller. I feel like a tiny fish in a great big ocean. Why am I saying stupid things like that? Is this timed? My big toe on my left foot is sore. I think my nail goes down too low. When is my financial aid check coming in? I need money. I have to buy some more books. I don't really have an appetite for jambalaya right now. That's what's for dinner tonight. I need to read chapter two. I had such a hard time reading chapter one. It was just not very interesting. Oh well. I wonder what time it is? It feels like I've been typing away for hours. Ten more minutes to go. I wanna learn how to play the harmonica. It sounds so cool. They're still watching t. v. Is football really THAT interesting? I think it is better than baseball. Baseball, by far, is the most boring sport in the world. How can anyone sit through 50 billion innings? Do they actually get paid as much as I think they get paid? I need to study tonight. Should I go to the library? I want to, but it's so far. Why did I move to Riverside? I should have stayed close to campus. Sunchase was pretty fun. I wish we did this in an English class, and this was our final paper. That would be so much fun. I'm almost finished. I'm really craving Jell-O. kiwi-strawberry Jell-O. Yummy. Mmmm. Four more minutes. I can do it! I feel so dumb. Why are my toes so long? Am I the missing link? Arghh. I have to use the bathroom. I wonder how many people have done this so far? O. K. times up. This was fun. | low | low | high | high | high |
Ok. Here we go. Well I really don't have much to say right now. I've done this type of writing before. It was a strange experience. All I ended up writing was the lyrics to some song I couldn't get out of my head. I just kept going over and over again. Don't you hate that? I especially hate it when it's like some obnoxious song that I only know the chorus to or something. Hmmm. Right now I’m wondering how in the world I’m supposed to keep on typing for twenty minutes and keep on coming up with things to say. It's kind of like when you meet someone new and you're trying to have a conversation with them and you keep hitting those brick walls. I constantly do that. You can only ask a person their major so many times. I wish I would have taken a typing class in high school. Everyone else I know did but I procrastinated so I could only take a programming class for my computer credit. But it was good that I took that class. Now I’ve learned that I really do hate programming. I have to come to terms with the fact that I like computers yet I hate programming. I think my brain would slowly build up pressure and then explode when I’m in my 40s if I became a programmer. My typing skills are atrocious! I think I’ve been out of practice. I wonder what Agnes is doing? She's my roommate and she's sitting next to me. She always gets a lot of e-mail, yet she complains regularly that no one writes her. I like get nothing but that could be because I don't write anyone either. Oh well. I think if I got into the e-mail habit again, I would waste way too much time in the computer lab anyway. Oh no. Mind block. This is kind of like writing a letter to your closest friend. (which I also haven't done in a while. ) Just say whatever an who cares if they care or not. What are you guys going to do with this information anyway?? I missed the first day of class so I really don't know how this stuff is going to be used. I've always been afraid that if I ever went to a psychologist or something, that they would end up telling me that I’m nuts or something. Or they would know something about me that I really don't want them to know. And there's a lot of that kind of stuff. Everyone in this room is staring blankly into the screen of their computers. Isn't it amazing the power these little boxes of silicon and metal have over us? Imagine our world today without computers. (apparently I actually learned something from my comp sci class here) If one day all computers just stopped working, we would all be screwed. The world would go haywire. I would go nuts. And don't limit it to the computer in the traditional sense. We're talking the little computer chip in your remote control or in your light fixtures. Everything. Hey. that would make a good story. I bet it's been done before but I think I just inspired myself. That'll be my second movie. Did I say I wanted to be a director? Well I do. Now I have three ideas for my first films. I really can't wait. I need to go out and buy some books. I've been running out of things to read. I love books. Actually I have a new favorite author. Jeff Noon. That reminds me I need to look him up on the web. I wonder if he's written anything else?? I hope so. "Vurt" was one of the best books I’ve ever read. Well, times up. :) | high | low | low | low | high |
The lights are all out here in Hardin House. Thank goodness Amy has this lap top so I can do this assignment. I still have to do the other one too. They both are due Friday. The lights just came on. I'm so relieved because now I can feel the air conditioning. I'm a little bit off the assignment because Cara is watching me. Cara says hi. she is really sick right now and her nose is always runny. she snotted on my bed. or maybe she just drooled. I don't really know. Tonight I need to go to the theta house and study. We have to get certain amount of hours done . I don't really want to read anymore of the Great Plains by Webb. It is like a history book. It makes me want to fall asleep sometimes when I read it. The most interesting section was about the animals on the Plains. The little jackrabbit has a white patch on its butt so that whenever it is in danger or something it flares it up to communicate with it's own kind. I guess that's how it works. Right now it's talking about the north vs. the south and it is way boring. I have about 70 pages to read tonight. It is a little overwhelming. sometimes I get behind and feel real guilty about it because I want to keep up with all my classes. I need to do my math homework too. I kind of just feel like taking a nap until we go study but then I'll never get up. My bed is sooooooo cozy. I just put on some pink sheets and they rock because they are soo soft. I kind of feel like watching Backdraft. Whichever Baldwin guy is in it is really good looking. He reminds me of this Stratford guy that is living in towers. He is really good looking obviously and really sweet too. He walked us home the other night from the KA house because he thought it was too dangerous. then he started talking about what church he went to. I was thinking this guy is too good to be true. But then someone told me that he had just broken up with his long time girlfriend because they are at separate colleges. I don't think I would like to get in the middle of that. If that's the only reason why they broke up then that's not enough. Because obviously they had something big to hold onto and not let go of just like that. But he is one of the better guys I've seen around lately. I kind of want to just ver out tonight but I know that I'll feel bad about it later. I'm so into making good grades but I haven't quite gotten into the hang of doing homework in this new setting and everything. Danielle just called. I'll be living with her next year. I think it’ll be good. Me , Cara, Allison, and Danielle. I don't really know her too too well. Seh and Allison are friends. Cara, Allison, and I have been hanging out a lot lately. She's so cool. It's really awesome to get to know people from different states and become close friends. She's from Oklahoma. Oklahoma is so random. What is in Oklahoma? Maybe we'll all go there to see her family sometime. We might go to Houston for The Rice game. Then I'll get to see my little brother. He is so cool. He's growing like a weed right now. It's crazy. Now that I'm gone he is like an only child. I hate that for him. Maybe he likes it a little. He gets all the attention now. I don't want to lose the awesome brother/sister relationship that we have right now because I'm 3 hours from home. | low | high | high | high | low |
I suppose we all get caught up in a web our first year. I wonder sometimes if it is going to be too much for me to handle. I guess everyone feels the way I do. People sure make me feel that they are smarter than me though. I should do well. Why not, I have just as much potential as the next person. This person sitting next to me now is making me tense. I wonder why. Come on Chris, your a Drama major, your not suppose to feel nervous. I feel better now that she left though. Man some of these people really type fast. I don't even hear any pauses. Great, another victim sitting next to me. I suppose we are all victims though. I wonder what everyone else wrote on this paper. It feels a little odd. Seems kind of like my mind just rambles on. I guess everyone's does though. I really need to speed up my typing. I used to be so quick. I really have a lot of stuff to do today. Man I miss my best friends. I miss Kelly even though I hate to admit it. It seems like I tell her that more than I tell anyone else. Maybe she is the same way. I know she probably is making up some reason why I don't love her anymore. She is just whiny like that. I wish she wasn't so negative. I'm always going to love her. Too bad she is in Dallas. Ok, somebody turn on the air in here. It is getting a little warm. I wonder what Bret and Brian are up to. I know Courtney is mad at me but I only wish she knew the way Chad really is. I mean, it is not like I'm the only one telling her to watch out. Ten minutes to go, or is it five? Oh well, I'll just keep pecking at the keys. I really don't want to go to class today. I don't know how people can skip though. That is all I need is to get behind on all my work. I still have another one of these things to write tomorrow. My classes are cool though. I shouldn't panic too much. Come on, I'm only taking 12 hours. But then, I am just a fish. I'm sure most people feel the same way. I know Micah does. I wonder if he ever goes out and does anything. I'm really surprised that he came to Mihir's party with us. Ahhh, he had a good time. This city is definitely not Dallas. I hate to admit it, but, I think I like it better there. I wonder who I will end up together with. I'm lonely but yet I don't think that I want anything serious. Oh what do I know? 12:01, I think I have 4 more minutes. Whoever is reading this probably thinks I'm nuts. I wonder if someone really is going to read all of this since there is so many students. Wow, the typing is getting better. It is funny what a little practice will do. I wonder if they have a word processor down here. Why does everything have to be online. It might not be so bad if I could get mine to work. I wonder what I am going to do. Oh well. Yea, finally through. | high | high | high | high | low |
I had just returned from other interesting dinner experience at my frat house when I realized that I was just wasting time as usual. So I decided I'd turn on the old computer and do a little stream of consciousness writing. I'm sitting down at my knew desk, that to tell you the truth, has done me no good except for a good place to put my computer. My roommate, an old friend I've know throughout my life is out doing his fraternity B. S. and probably won't be back until twelve. This I really do think is funny because coming into school I was completely busy from day one, while he just sat on his beanbag chair and watched t. v. To tell you the truth all I really care about any more is the amount of time I get to spend sitting in my beanbag chair watching t. v. Although it's not really as fun as it may seem, because while sitting in the beanbag chair the only thing on your mind is when you're going to have to get up and go do stuff. I realized today in class that when one begins to get about half the amount of sleep that he used to get it does become a little bit irritating and depressing. All I can think about is when I can rest may days have turned from full productive days with good night sleeps over the summer to half ass, sit around and make up excuse my I shouldn't leave the room so I can get some sleep worthless days. I'm pretty sure that last sentence made absolutely no sense, so on that last thought I think I'm going to leave the room for the umpteenth time today and go do things that I really wish I could accomplish by getting into bed and closing my eyes. | high | low | low | low | high |
Last night I had another fight with my mother. Maybe it was not such a good idea to stay home for my first year of college. As far as I can see I have only brought her pain and no comfort. Although she does make several good points about my unorthodox behavior, ultimately I am a grown man. If I told my friends that she tries to make me come home at a certain time the result would be ridiculous. Not that opinions and thought of my buddies would really sway my mind, but many of them respect me for where I came from and what I have done. I've got a good job(insurance company $7. 80/hour), pay for my car, attend college, help my mom at her beauty salon, and still have time to go out and party with them. My mother thinks that my constant ventures to places she has never been will bring about my demise. Certainly there is no way I can deny about her role in my life. She has always been there for me and lately we have grown even closer, but I don’t see how she can try and write my schedule out for me according to her opinions. Recently our dog had 7 puppies and she spent much of the time caring for them and taking them to the vet. Six of the puppies have been sold, and the one that is left originally belonged to the mail dog's owner who changed their mind about keeping it. so my mom blames me for not cleaning up after the puppy I don’t even want. I tell her to give it away and then she blames for being a cruel person in that we don’t know what kind of person would get it. For a while now I have been looking for a female. And I don’t mean just any ol' girl I can get plenty of those. But a lady who I won't get tired of after the first night in bed. There is several ladies out there who I would like to be with, but for some reason it never turns out to be the way I thought. So I just go on with flirting' around. Most girls I know think that I except something from them, but I'm simply trying to be friends. I guess that’s the rep I got at Anderson high. Maybe because of the people I hang with. Hopefully I've written enough, and if not here are some more of my thoughts for the prof to analyze. In college I've tried to have different study habits then high school. In high school I could do nearly nothing and still maintain a high average. Here I know this can not be done. this of course another concern of my mother. I can not dismiss actual reading and studying as not important at the university of Texas or I might end up with a poor man working for McDonalds’s or begging for money on the drag. A few days ago I read (in the psychology book) that in order for your mind to expand you must exercise it like a muscle. Interesting idea. | low | high | low | low | low |
I don't know what just happened, but all that I just wrote for the last 10 minutes just got erased. This makes me a little perturbed, but I don't really care. This just allows me to write even more interesting things. Maybe this time I'll talk about movies. Yeah those bad ass little things that I l0ove ohhhhh sooo much. In fact I'm hoping to film a movie by this years Oklahoma game. that way I can show my best friend who will join us from K. C. Together we made 6 movies. 4 movies for English and two for our own enjoyment. Okay the preview for Scream2 is on the tv behind me and its a little hard to pay attention to this assignment, but I guess this is also part of the assignment. How many people does it take to rip off a football from the bumper a of a frog. jello. jello. retard. Bug women can kick my friend's ass. At least that is what he always says. He says that he is going to start going after those women who could actually kick his ass. Me I'm just going after the beautiful intelligent type. It seems like it is working out thus far, but not from m shoes. 4 women are in my life right now. One is an ex-girlfriend who I was very attracted to, but broke up with me for seemingly no reason whatsoever. I think it was because I became too attached, whatever that means. I guess loving someone too much is not a good thing. That was sarcasm. I really don't think there is such thing as loving someone too much. I do sometimes watch myself when I'm trying to meet a girl. Now I wonder if they think I'm trying too hard. Anyway, my ex gave me a call and we talked for 2 hours. In the talk I felt like going over there and hugging her right there, but she would be missing out on sleep for her next day. I think she valued her sleep more than me. Well no not really, I think we just weren't mature enough to know how we really felt. I still can't really say whether it was true love since I have never had any other taste of love that I could compare it to. Al I know is that I miss what we had, and I want it back. I thought I was over it. He's 30. I am over it. Today I realized that life is not as complicated as we all make it out to be. It this "real world" that we have made up that keeps us under constant stress. The mind analyzes everything and tries to figure out the real world. It is the heart that I try to follow. The heart gets past all that which seems and goes straight to what feels right. I believe in that feeling over the appearance of a situation. I have led a very happy life and I think I am doing things right. I jus t recently had to decide whether or not I wanted to be a frat guy. Isn’t it funny that I brought this up right after I mentioned I think I’m doing things right. I take that as a good sign. But now I’m hesitating so I take that as a bad sign. Basically I’m still trying to figure out whether I turned down the frat for personal reason or to please other people. When I did decide to quit the frat I became extremely happy, almost to the point of crying in my car. This was when I came up with this decision on my own outside the influence of the other people I know. Then the damn frat got me to come into their house and talk to me one on one. This showed me all the people that I would be letting down by not joining the frat. I can't stand letting people down. I try so hard to help everyone, but its just impossible. I think the reason I felt like an asshole yesterday was because I have let a lot of people down the beginning of this year. Namely the frat and my brother for not joining the frat like he did. He is trying to live vicariously through me and it is a little annoying. I think I first showed interest in the frat just for his sake. I would like to explain to my brother that we are not alike and that my whole life is not revolved around women and beer, but anytime you talk to m brother he just makes you look stupid and I hate that. I don’t feel like I can explain anything to him unless he already believed it to begin with. I think this is why he became a lawyer. | high | low | high | high | low |
here I am typing this thing for my psychology class. I am typing it for 2. 5 percent of my grade. this isn't too bad, it could be worse. twenty minutes isn't that bad. however, I’d rather be playing chess. I don't want to think about school. I just got out of summer school. I took cs310 computer organization and programming and m427k differential equations . that was a rough summer. I almost reconsidered my degree, but I've come to far now, so I guess I’ll finish. maybe I’ll do a coop this summer , or take ee316 or both, that wouldn’t be so bad, I need the money and the credit. who knows. I just want to take a break. at least I’m taking interesting classes. all of them are alright. I just got done with my cs307 homework. I’m glad I switched to Novak's class, and got out of Richard’s class. all of the students that are taking Richards are really hurting now. I talked to one of his students, she hates that class. I think Novak's class is alright. oh well. this isn't that bad at all. I need to get a job though . my loan is going to run out on me pretty soon. it's nice to not have to work though. I like waking up late on the weekends and not have to get ready for work at 4 o'clock. that sucked. no more restaurants for me. no sirree. I hate working in the food industry now. that really really sucked. I like the people there. I’m going to miss them. I had a lot of fun, going out, partying, meeting new people. I can't stand the restaurant business anymore anyway. just as soon as you meet people the quit or get fired , move or whatever. and the management sucks. I want to get a more laid back job where all I have to do is be there because the business needs someone there, just to be there. I think ill be a proctor next semester for cs307, I don't know what I’ll do this semester, maybe I’ll ask my mom for money. she said she would give me money now that I’m at UT. oh well . I just want to play chess. I almost got my rank up to 1200, I think I can do it if I pick on the 900 and 1000 crowd. that would be nice. I've almost got another name up to 1200 and 40+ games. that win I had at the tournament was sweet . my time for writing this assignment is almost up . hah hah. this is easy points. I just hope I do well on the tests . I better start reviewing this stuff. I've got the chapter read and 2 hours of experiments done. I just need to review a little bit tonight . I need to do the vocabulary. I need to do my vocabulary for cs307 too. and review matrix multiplication for m427l. I have to wake up at 6 am . that sucks. but my classes will be over pretty soon. that will be nice. I get out at about 2 o'clock on those days, which is nice, I can take a nap and then study or something, waste time, and then study, or whatever. I just have free time. for now. later it should get harder. I hate thinking about school. I want to play chess or go read a book or go out or something fun. its 5 o'clock . just a few more minutes of this and I’ll be done. jeez this seems like a long time to right now that I think about it . my hands are getting tired . I wish I couldn't type very well right now. oh well . I’m going to get carpal tunnel from this. maybe not. I don't know. who cares. I think I’ll just finish this thing of with a bunch of . what do you call them. phrases that people. oh yeah. wait a minute, I forgot again. what is it. hmmmmm. oh yeah. cliches, that's it . I can just finish this thing off with a bunch of cliches. waste time. but I forgot any cliches . so I guess I can't finish this off with cliches. but I wish I knew a bunch of cliches to finish this last few minutes off with . that s ok though it's not so bad . I can just let my mind wander like it always does. the count , Bela Lugosi's dead. bela lugosi's dead. Bela Lugosi's dead. undead. undead. undead. undead. undead. undead. I’m listening to Bauhaus right now. one of my favorite bands. maybe . I like them at least. I want to get the Fields of Nephilim album. I think they only have one album out. they were pretty good though. almost as good as Bauhaus, or maybe Bauhaus was almost as good as them. it's hard to tell. I like them both a lot. I just need to get the money to buy the album. I hate not being able to get more music. I m addicted to music. I am suffering from CD withdrawal. ah ! it sucks! oh well just one more minute . one more minute of typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typing typging typing typing typing and I’m done. bye. | high | low | low | low | high |
I have watching Comedy Central for the past hour or so. The program involved people getting paid not to laugh while listening to comedians. If I were one of those people paid not to laugh, I wouldn't pay attention to the actual words the comedians was saying. Listening to the skit would most likely make me laugh, so I would think of something else. I would discuss with myself something really boring, so as not to laugh. Speaking of boring, I received two letters today from my boyfriend. He was talking about being bored in class. He attends A&M, the idiot. My parents don't know he's my boyfriend. They think he's just my best friend since that's what we were all last year. My sister, whose computer I'm using, doesn't know either. I hope she doesn't read anything I'm writing here. If she did, I'm not so sure she wouldn't tell my parents. My mother loves my boyfriend, but I don't think she or my father would let me visit him at A&M if they knew he was more than just my friend. Otherwise, I would love to tell them. They would be so happy for both of us, seeing as how they love him. I just want to be able to have him visit me and me visit him without my parents wondering why we're visiting each other. Plus, my parents are quite protective. I don't know how their attitudes towards him would change if they knew. All of my past boyfriends have been introduced to them only after we became boyfriend and girlfriend. My past boyfriends were very different from my current boyfriend. Their outlook on life, intelligence level, looks, interests, and families were exact opposites from his. He's exceptionally smart, and I'm not just saying that because he's my boyfriend. He loves Einstein, his theories, and computers. My old boyfriends loved roller blading, and non-intelligent ways of spending an evening, if you know what I mean. My boyfriend actually listens when I talk to him. He will also talk if I ask him a question. He doesn't lie to me, which is a big change. In fact, we spend most of our time together just talking about differing interesting things. You would think we would run out of things to say, but there is always more. We've had these talks for at least nine months and still have more to talk about. I can actually see spending the rest of my life with him. I can't believe I just said that. I never thought I'd be able to say that about anyone. Wow, I'm impressed. He's one of the closest things to my heart. It's weird actually talking about this. For the longest time, I didn't want anyone that close. Now it's kind of comforting. Oh boy, I have been typing for quite a while now. Sorry. Bye, and have fun reading this and delving into my soul. | high | low | high | low | low |
okay well I have 20 minutes to write this paper well isn't that exciting. I believe I’m the worst speller and typer in the world. it seems like this is a really long page anyway I just wrote to my friend marissa who goes to southwest and I was going to write my friend Jamie who I meet this summer at work but I was stupid and didn't get her email address of the letter she sent me and erased so now I can't write her, she probably thinks I’m the biggest bitch right now . I wonder if you all actually read these and analyze them . I want to go into criminal psychology because I think it sounds very interesting and believe it would be good for me when I try and get into the FBI I hope I can get into it. what if they turn me down. then I’ll have worked all these years for it and gotten nothing from it . I think I will get in though . You know what I hate is when your hands get on the wrong keys on the key board and if your not watching you can write three sentence all messed up because of one little misplacement of the hand . I really hope you all don't read these because mine is kind of silly. anyway I slept for a long time today and I still feel tired I think if you sleep to much it makes you more tired, that's just my theory. It seems like I've been at this computer for ever because the note I wrote to my friend Marissa was really long and I’m not that fast of a writer. When you stare at I computer screen real long it seems like your in a trance just like when you watch t. v. you just totally can veg out. a girl just poked her head in the door. I’m down in the computer lab right now because I don't have a computer and the one my room mate has doesn't have the Ethernet set and she's hooked up to America on-line so I can't use my password to log on so I have to come down here. I really want a t. v. in my room. I know it is such a trivial thing but sometimes it's just nice to come home and relax and watch some t. v. Noelle said she was going to get one before we came down but now she doesn't want to spend the money on it and my parents and I don't have the money so we are just stuck with out a t. v. It's okay though I'm sure it's better for me. the only thing is I don't know when anything is going on . I need to find out about the ani dafranco concert for Jacob I just don't know who to ask or where to look. anyway about the t. v. I don't get a newspaper and the daily Texan doesn't tell you every thing that's going on around the world. so a t. v. would be helpful so I could watch the news. well my mind just went blank and I have nothing to talk about. I love to people watch , it's cool to see the way different people act. That's why I think psychology would be interesting. I like to know how people tick. I hope me and Shawnee stay best friends through out the year because I really want her to move down here next year, but when I went home last weekend I don't know if she had fun with me or not. oh well I won't worry about because what ever happens will happen. I’m sure it will all work out for the best what ever it is. my 20 minutes is up now so I’m going back to my room . so long. | low | high | high | high | low |
Well I'm finally getting around doing the writing assignment, I'm feeling relieved. I thought that for some reason I would not have the time to do it, actually not get around to doing this assignment. I don't know the reason behind that worry. hmmm. what do I write? well I'm getting tired already and I'm thinking will I be able to stay awake for thirty minutes to type all this??? I hope so. well I'm thinking about my classes and panic is setting in. I'm worried. I'm falling behind with reading material in my courses and not . my mind has moved to something else. THE MCAT. I realized that I had to take it this spring so I’m getting really nervous about it. I'm getting nervous now thinking about it. well my eyes feel really tired. I want to sleep. I still feel nervous and anxiety towards this semester/the mcat/medical schools/exams. I usually don't feel this nervous but since this year counts so much with medical schools I feel that top performance is . what's a good word? ummm. My mind is drawing a blank. essential? well good enough. I feel I must perform beyond my own goals. hmm. well I don't really agree with that statement. I just feel I need to do good. I need to be satisfied. Hopefully get a 4. 0 this semester. what else? I'm thinking what else I should write about? It's quiet in here. the fan is turned on. BUT its a Huntington. or bay something. let me see if I remember?? NOPE I sure don't. Well I didn't exercise today, which explain why I'm soo tired. I love running it gives me so much energy and makes me feel great. I love working out, but nowadays I don’t have much time b/c I live off campus and commuting and parking takes too much time that I just run at home sometimes, if I find a running buddy. the nervousness is gone, but it left a massive headache. massive, I like that word its sounds so cute when English people say it with their English accents. I'm worried. again. actually I'm thinking about my teacher recommendations which is getting me worried. so I'm worrying myself now. too much of this is not too good. I knew a girl who used to give herself ulcers,, I'm wondering if it was psychological? well,, probably there was some psychological reason. woow,, I'm so happy I'm taking this course. its soo cool. I'm really tired. and bored now. yet I feel indifferent. as I was saying I think psychology is soo interesting. it seems really cool. The lectures are awesome. I'm happy. until the first round of tests. curiosity and anxiety well not really I'm kind of curious . I'm thinking about my friend. old roomie. she’s in the corps at a&m and I'm worried about her. I wish she would quit because they are so ridiculous. their little rules are ridiculous. when people have to pee in their sinks because its easier to do than go to the bathroom that's when you have to worry. I'm still worried. she's a good person. but that the path she chose for herself. I’m hoping this will make me feel better. its working I feel better now. but I'm still worried not so much upset,,, I wonder how long I've been typ8ing? I hope long enough let me take a peek at my watch. YUP!!! yes! its been 30 minutes I'm not sure if I did this right. I sure hope so. I'm getting sleep and I still have a ton of work to do. I think I'll sleep my brain needs to replenish the exhausted brain cells. well I guess I'll end this now and go to bed. One thing I noticed is that I was kinda indifferent not too emotional all through this because of my fatigue. well . good night. and sweet dreams. and as my old roommate would say. " don't let the bed bugs bite". I hope she pulls through. | high | high | high | high | low |
Hello you wonderful people who are reading my paper. I hope you really really enjoy this one after all the other ones you have read. Anyway right now I am really excited because I'm just about to go to the Rage Against the Machine concert. I'm hoping that I have a blast and I know I will. My brother and a lot of my friends came up for this concert. So, I will be able to see them. AIN'T THAT THE GREATEST THING. Earlier today, I was wishing that I could fly. The reason for that is that we were stuck in traffic. Just think about it, just flying through the air, your hair flying back, brushing across your face--but I guess if we could fly, we wouldn't think that much about it. Yesterday, I got an e-mail from my sister. It was really COOL and all, and she should come visit me soon. My sister is the one person in my family that I really enjoy--but enough about that. I'm going to a concert, and to party! Oh, just to throw something in here. I was noticing that many people here get really excited about going out and staying out till whatever time in the morning. I think this is really hilarious because I come from Laredo, Texas. That is a border-town to Mexico (not that it could be Canada in Texas). Well, we have clubs and discos in Mexico that are just a few minutes away so I'm use to going out, staying out late, and drinking. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that most of the people here have not been able to go out and have fun during their high school years--whether this is attributed to their parents or themselves. That is why there is such a high drop-out rate here in UT, and why a lot of students struggle just to pass. I hope pass all my classes with A's if possible. I'm planning to be a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, and I kind of need a great GPA to get into Med School. Oh by the way, I want to clear up the reason why I want to be that kind of a surgeon. Many people believe that plastic surgeons are doctors who are just in the business for money. Some people don't even consider doctors as real doctors. They are seen as individuals who help superficial people stay young and beautiful. Although plastic surgeons may do this, they help build up the self-esteem of the patient. There are some people who were born with defects or were in a really bad accident, plastic/reconstructive surgeons help these people enter the world again. Most people with some type of defect usually have a low self-esteem. Therefore, they do not really enjoy life nor do they participate in daily activities with other people. Plastic/reconstructive surgeons allow these people to enter into the world. They feel better about themselves and as a whole their spiritual self is improved. This is vital to the survival of the individual--for without it there is nothing to live for. Well, I'm going now hope I didn't bore you too much! :> | high | high | low | low | low |
I'm at home right now. it's weird because I don't really live here anymore sine my new home is at UT. 'm glad I got to come and see my dog and my cats. they miss me alot. I love my sister. she already says she wants to be a d-g and she knows nothing about it but that her big sis is one. I have so much to do that it's crazy. I feel like no mater what I do there's always something else to do. I am sooooooo excited about Friday. my ex-boyfriend is diving down from tech to see me. it's been over a month since I’ve seen him. I can't decide what to do about him. we get along great. he can treat me well, when he doesn't he doesn't do it on purpose. I know that this sounds pathetic but it's not. I’m confused because I want us to get back together this weekend but I also want to just be friends. it's just that I love him so much and could see myself married to him. I know that he loves me. he said that he wanted us to get back together, but we'll see what happens. it's amazing how the boy is always on my mind. I mean, the more I try to stop, the worse it gets. I guess that's how you know that you're in love. ok, it's been ten minutes and I still have ten to go. yeah, not. I hate to write. I hate that I had to take freshman English because I got at 600 instead of a 610 on my sat2. dumb. the class will be easy though. I like college life. the only class I’m scared of is calculus. I was supposed to take it in high school but was busy with dance and pals so I didn't take it. big mistake. I’ve forgotten so much stuff since junior year. my lil sis is a big sophomore now. she still seems so young to me. my parents went to the airport to get my older bro. he's the perfect son-national merit scholar, works for my dad, etc. the cowboys won today. I was exited. Josh, my ex, and I used to bet on the cowboy games. this reminds me to copy that e-mail he wrote. he was fighting with this other guy over me. how romantic. I miss him alot. I’m so glad I get to see him this weekend. I know that this is materialistic, but I’m worried about what to wear. I have this effect on him that he can't resist me(I know it sounds like I have an ego, but he has the same effect on me which makes it so hard) it was easy when I’d see him every day because it made him want to be with me. but I’m worried now that he's away, he'll forget about his woman in Austin. but whatever's mean to be will be. I’m very religious, but today I didn't go to church. it's hard to find time in college. excuses, excuses. I need to go by and oil-absorbing mask. my oily skin is gross. well, I’d love to sit here and type some more, but my time is about up and I have to go to the store before my parents and brother get home for family hamburgers night. I can't decide if I’m going home to UT tonight or not. I think I might just stay here but I can't decide. hope that my mind helps you in this experiment or whatever this is. I can't to learn about all this mind stuff. it looks coll. well, bye for now. ps- I feel like I just wrote a long e-mail to a friend. maybe that's what I’ll do now. | low | high | high | high | low |
So what should I write? I have no clue. Oh, about the survey I did in the class today. It's pretty good. I mean I like the one on homosexuality. I am gay, and I know my answers are very biased. To me, I either strongly agree or strongly disagree. Hey, it's about my identity and the society I am living in. I have to, sort like, defend for what I believe in, although I don't have much choices in picking my own identity. What am I thinking? Why am I so excited about it? I have come out for a rather long period of time, yet I am still nervous about the whole issue. I am a very lucky guy, I have not met a lot resistance from the society as a whole. Somehow, I only have the problem finding the right guy. When I was young, I have those innocent thoughts about love and romance. I have always believed that there definitely is a right guy for me. Yeah, that was a huge joke. As I become more mature, I become more practical, just like everyone else. All right, I shall only speak for myself. I know love to me is a pathetically realistic concept. No more space for imagination. God, why am I writing this? I had just promised myself to forget about the existence of love, right after the Jonathan issue. It shall not work for me. I am too pretentious, arrogant, determined, etc. Anyway, moving on to something else. Man, there are 10 more minutes left. The sky is so dark. I wonder what is out there. I know one thing is that I am not scared of anything. I want to know, I want to discover, I want to enjoy life beyond it's practical dimensions. There is the moon. No, I am lying. The moon is not visible at the beginning of the month. Well, I wish I could see it though. I have heard enough Chinese stories about the angels on the moon. I hope I can live there sometimes. The earth is too complicated, and it is also very cruel. I just want to go somewhere and forget all the problems and relieve all the stress. I really just want to be with my closest friends for a little while and leave everything else alone. Oh, not possible. Why am I writing this. I swear to God that I have never been so senseless before. My fingers are typing things which my mind cannot direct. Weird, I need help. Maybe this is the point of this assignment, to get lost and throw away the conscious. Ok, 2 more minutes. What am I going to do this weekend? How about 6th street. I really like Paradox. The music is good and so is the place. Yep, that's it. Friday night hanging out with pals. Cool. Maybe I can meet some cute guys. Oh, come on, my brain is out. My roommate is home. Finally. I gotta go, time is up, my fingers are little tired. Bye. | high | low | high | low | high |
I don't know what I am going to do in this. This type of assignment is something I have not done before. I guess I have no idea is because that I do not have a topic to write on. I have always have had a topic assigned to me. This is el-hazard music. Just by looking at the images of the CD cover, I can tell that this is going to be good. In fact, I am listening to it right now. I have no idea why I am writing this down in here, but it is a part of my thought. This has a lot of base, but it does not stick out. Has a very good balance of treble and base. What am I going to write about. I am hungry. May be I can go to kinsolving later. I think that they start dinner at four thirty. Another track has started. This is a slow song now. It is the music from the fourth episode where the demon goddess is freed from her master's control and gained her freedom for the first time. The cat Ura was cool. She can mountain climb. I think that was a cliff. She is the coolest cat ever. I have to do this for 20 minutes. What oh yes the ura. The series is El-hazard. They don't have anything good on the internet on it. this sucks. I have to download that song tonight. I hope this time the connection is good enough. Why is some of the music stupid. Wait, if I listen to this closely, it is very good if the voice of the actress is older. The story has good development. The ova series starts with the discovery of the demon goddess Ifurita in a certain high school and the main guy is sent to the world El-hazard through a portal created by Ifurita. Why is the TV series different from the OAV series. The princess Rune Venus looks cute, I like her better in the OVA series. I think a world like el-hazard lives in our hearts. Rune Venus was rescued by the teacher. That was cool. Fugisawa kick. There were this little girl in the story. She was Aielle. The 3 priestess was pretty. fire, wind and water. Reminds me of Ah megamisama. 15 minutes. Ifurita was awakened by junnai. Then he and Ifurita invaded Roshiraria the kingdom of El-hazard. They had to use the eye of god for defense. The TV series was called the wanderers. that was cool. The main guy can access ancient relics. He gave back ifurita her freedom by turning off the master obey chip. The war was still going on the Roshitaria used the eye of god. Kimdom of bugrom got kicked. The shadow nation intervened. The moved the eye of god out of control for the revenge a long time ago. They were remnant of the tribe that come across this world when the eye was first fired. They were hated afterwards. Makoto. I am hooked on this series too much. The main guy got control of the eye through Ifurita but Ifurita sustained the impact and was transported to the location where the high school will be in 10000 years. Ifurita then waited 10000 years for makoto to appear and send makoto to the land of el-hazard. After the impact, Ifurita learned the secret of eye of god. It is a dimensional cannon. what was cool. is it 20 minutes yet. Still 2 minutes. Have I been keeping time correctly. KOR orange road. I am still listening to the same music. cool. I can't wait to see the TV series tape # 2. It is going to be very good. I don't know I guess I am too excited about this thing to stop, I have not even realized I stayed on the same topic for long. men. | high | low | low | high | low |
So far I have been at UT for I guess 6 school days, and I can already feel myself slipping. School was so much simpler in middle and elementary school. Why can't I go back? Let’s see. what did I do today? I woke up around 2 (we have lives around here), and was bugging my sister to take me to church. I haven't been there since I don't know how long, but I need to start going again. my ex-boyfriend called and I don't know how it made me feel. I want to be free of him and not have to deal with any of his problems. I don't want to desert him, but I don't know what he wants from me and what I can possibly do for him. it wasn't a really serious relationship and to tell the truth I have no idea what I was thinking when I went out with him. he's not my type at all and my parents would be so disappointed if they found out. thank goodness it's over already. I don't know how I feel about him. I would like to be his friend, but that's it, and I also don't know what he wants. isn't this depressing? Guys. Don't they all suck? I wrote my would-have-been-boyfriend in high school and for some silly reason I am still waiting for him to reply. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe things will work out in the next ten years or so. I get really tired and depressed when I think about my ex and I don't know what to do about it. I want to be his friend, but I know he wants more and I don't think I can offer him that. I need to ask him what he wants or rather expects from me. He comes from a broken home and has a LOT of problems that I don't want to deal with. He's from Port Arthur and asked me to come down for his birthday. Funny I was actually considering it. what's wrong with me? I called my little sister (12 yrs. old) and she wasn't home. Neither were my parents. I think they are at my aunt's house eating as usual. they live in new orleans and I miss them a lot. I need to come back and visit and I don't think I can do that until Christmas vacation. that sounds a lot better than Christmas break. It really bothers me that I didn't capitalize most of the words that should be capitalize, but I shouldn't be worried about that right? I am so unenergized right now. I need to go jogging or something, but it is late. I can't believe Princess Diana died. Mother Teresa also died, yet she didn't get as much attention as Princess Di. So much has happened in my short 17 years life span. I can actually tell my kids that I was alive when Princess Di and Mother Teresa died. it seems as if everyone is dying. isn't that sad? I just found out that an acquaintance of mines is pregnant again. I don't know how to feel. this isn't her first pregnancy and she should know better. what is this world coming to? my cousin is going through a break up right now and I don't know what I can do to help. I know she can do better than him, but I also know that she likes him a lot. What's a girl to do? I am really relieved that I don't have a boyfriend anymore, yet why am I still commenting on that? I was a lot better before he called. I just wish he could disappear and I don't know. he really needs to straighten out his life. you know what the funny thing is? I think that the bad guys are the guys that like you more. it may not be true, but when it is, it is. let my rephrase that. when a guy that's on the wrong side falls (for you), they fall hard. I don't know if anyone has fallen for me yet. it is midnight and I still have other things to do. thank goodness I remembered about this. I actually don't mind typing like this. this is just like one of my journal pages that I try to do at least twice a week. I really believe that it serves as a stress reliever and should be done more often. well it's been 35 minutes so I’m outta here. lan ngoc ngo | high | high | high | low | high |
I don't like having to write an my couch. I need a better place to work. I don't want to go to work tonight. I sometimes feel like a trained animal jumping through a hoop. I really want a dog. Somebody that will always be there for me. I thought I had that in my boyfriend. I was always there for him Why is it that I always find the guys that I like or care about are unstable. Is it because I myself am unstable and I want someone else to make me feel better about my soft insanity. Or do I project such an image of pure stability that they desire. I would like to be in a stable right now. Talking to a stable and then an unstable person, while grooming a horse. I want a horse to be able to ride him fast an hard through an open field to a tree that I could climb. The last time I climbed a tree I was trying to escape being pursued by a guy who had a girlfriend. I should have probably just told him no. Should I be more aggressive? I think that I am not because I can feel at times so much what other people are feeling. I don't them to be hurt by me because I myself have been hurt enough. I have always wished for an average American family A dog, a house with a fence, 2. 3 kids. I never got that though. I am beginning to realize that I am glad that I didn't. I like the person I am very much. I still need much more from myself though. I wonder why I surround myself with the things that I do. Why do I make my home a haven. Why I am afraid. Why do I have Disney videos for kids or feel the need to buy myself flowers. I need more books I want more knowledge I don't want to be another close-minded individual in this cruel and cynical world. oxymoron. Jeremiah would like The Picture of Dorian Gray. I hope he will read it. Where am I right now what do I need to be doing to get to my destination. I need to allow God back into my life. I need to stop shutting him out. I need to vacuum, and do laundry, paint, to do my chemistry, and talk to my soon to be ex-boyfriend. That is scary. I am going to alone again Why do I fear that so much. Maybe I am looking for the father I never had I need someone to be there to praise me. I need to spend more time with more people. I put myself into seclusion to much But I like it My bicycles wheels are awfully big. they are huge, I don't understand why guys always wish that they had a bigger penis even when they are large in the first place. Why do I have such a sexual mind. Have I Made myself that way for guys or am I naturally this way. Few things are natural anymore. I want to go camping and run through the Forrest naked like a nymph or a fairy. I want to appear magical to all those around me. | high | low | high | high | low |
I am in the computer, I wish I’m I bed right now, God I'm tired. Are my doing this right I sure hope so. Do I need to hit return after each line. Man this is harder than I thought. only 5 mins past. I wanna go eat lunch now. Boy I type fast. That girl is really good looking, I wonder what her name is. That music is really loud will you please turn it down! The computer lab is closing in 25 mins, I think I can finish before then. Man this is weird, writing down want you are thinking. I need to go back to Houston and bring my basketball here. I missed my room. Need help? The lab assistant is there to answer any of your questions, yeah right, that girl here yesterday was no help at all. I wish I have a computer in my dorm. I wonder if my roommate is still asleep. I should be sleeping to. I think I did this in high school, but I’m not sure if it's the same thing. I really need this ten points, so I better get a good grade on this. I missed Ling, I wish she's here with me right now. I wanna an ice cream. Boy this is Boring, I really do think about a lot of things. Turn the music down damn it. Hey I like this computer. Do I need to print this out? Boy two more papers to go. I wonder if Ying will go out with me ever, nah, she's not my type any ways. Do I need to do this in Paragraphs, I sure hope not God How long do I have to do this. I'm thinking about what do think now. yes today is the 4th. nice hat. I need some money. Shoot, gotta do my math homework later, man this sucks. I gotta go eat lunch before my next class, how much time left for this thing? I think he got the same class with me. Where is Jenie, we gota do the topic thing together. I wonder what is on TV today. I think the computer lab is about to close. Can they tell how long I have been writing this? I don't wanna go to Jester West. Cute girl. nice mouse pad. I really need a computer. Man she is tall. I really think I did this in High School. Today is the MTV award, yes. Oh no, I gota a meeting session, I think I’ll skip it. I can't, I got to turn in my homework, man this is not good. How long has been. I really should have kept track of time better, I Think is been 20 mins now. I'll write a little more just in case. I hope my friends waited for me to go to lunch, they better. I need to go to the gym again today, do I have enough time? The lab is kinda empty now, may be I should go too. I'm sure it's been 20 mins at least. okay five more mins and I’ll go to lunch k. What is he writing over there, I think it's a web pager. Why didn't this web pager work yesterday? nice screen saver, I think I’ll get one too when I fix my computer. I wanna a lap top. I'm getting sleepy and I just woke up too, boy this is boring. Do I really think about all these different thing before, nah. okay the lab is closing, I think I should go to lunch now bye. Yes, one down two to go. | low | low | high | low | high |
It surely was a good day today. I found all my classes without any difficulty. I have been at this school for four days now. And today is the first day that I didn't lose my way to the classrooms. Anyway, I don't particularly like this school, but this is the best business school which is near my home, and my mom doesn't want me to leave the state. I was hoping that I could have a math major at MIT, but again family argued that it would be so hard to find a job and to have good pay if I had math as my major. As a Chinese, I would have to follow their tradition that to obey parents. I know that it probably will sound strange to you, or many other Americans. But it just the way it is. God help me! Gratefully, I am always a positive person who usually challenges the changing world with unchangeable doings. I might be somewhat too confident sometimes. I enjoy my confidence though. I always enjoy to look at the world from the bright side. I know that there certainly are something ugly, but I think that people don't have to be so critical. If everyone takes good care of himself or herself, be more open-minded, more self-controlled, and more concerned for the good of the society as a whole, then our world will be much brighter, much more beautiful, and much more peaceful. I believe that before we watch out for the others, we should first watch out for ourselves; before we try to change others, change ourselves first. Before I complain the shortcomings of others, I try to check with myself that if I have the shortcoming too. This practice requires a peaceful and logical mind. So keep cool! (Not only the outside, but also the inside. ) Thinking through the past and the future, specially after I finished my pretest on this class, I become more and more grateful that my parents taught me to be what I am now. The skill to cheer myself up no mater how bad the situation become is really helpful. I believe that as human beings our biggest challenge in life is to overcome ourselves. No one can ever make you cry without your permission. Choices are always ours! I guess I have been writing for over 20 minutes by now. Hopefully this assignment is well done. Hope your have a good day. Sincerely, Linda (Da) Li | high | high | high | low | low |
I really want to go swimming but I don't want to tell Sylvia that I don't want to see her dumb brother play in that stupid baseball game. I really want to go home this weekend. I know for a fact that my mom would never let me go well maybe she would let me go out with Gera even after I haven't seen her for a while. Maybe I just don't want to go out with him I think that I feel guilty for some strange reason and I can't get the courage to tell Gera. This air conditioner is really bothering me. It makes so much noise and does not cool very much. I am so hungry. My roommate sucks. I don't know why I'm so mean. Maybe I'm just not used to someone always wanting to know everything I do. Maybe she's just too smart and I feel stupid. I'm really hungry. I don't know how I'm going to get to eat if I go with Sylvia and Loni. I wonder if Gera is calling me right at this moment. I wonder how come his dad didn't say goodbye before hanging up. I think I'm making too much noise typing. I get the feeling that I'm disturbing everyone behind me. I can't believe Loni. She just met this guy today and she already has him in her room. I wonder if her parents know the way she is. I still have one more question to do for Economics and I don't really feel like reading. I learned that I should wait to be told what to read before I stress That stress test Sylvia and I took was weird. I think that man thought that my life was pretty boring. I bet he thought I was weird. He could right away tell what was bothering Sylvia. I know that Manny really has Sylvia thinking about him day and night. He's such a jerk. I can't believe what How could someone treat someone that way. Maybe love is blind. I wonder why people around here are so free. I can't believe that girl I say two days ago. She was wearing next to nothing and felt no shame. I assume she must have felt fresh or something but doesn't she have one bit of self respect for herself. I wonder why the lady behind me just apologized to the girl. I had to turn around for a second. I think that I'm a nosy person. I often catch myself eavesdropping on other people's conversations. During lunch today I listened to two complete conversations. I could not believe the things that people talk about. Why does my roommate have to be so selfish. I think that I want to make everyone healthy. I don't know why but I am so self conscience of the way I look. But I hear that is actually average in girls my age. I went all out on this diet until I lost up to 25 pounds and now I think that I am too skinny. but I say this girl today that was a bit over weight and she was beautiful, then why do I gross myself out when I see my roommate eating horrible and then I see her change and I feel that I have to go workout. She gets offended very easily. I don't even tell her anything about her weight or anything related to that subject anyway and she jumps up and becomes aggravated very quickly. | low | high | low | low | low |
IF I COULD ACTUALLY PLAY IN MAJOR TOURNAMENTS LIKE THE US OPEN, THE FRENCH OPEN, THE AUSTRILIA OPEN, ETC. EVEN IF JUST ONE TOURNAMENT, I WILL BE SO GREATFUL. AS I CONTAINUED WATCH THESE PROS PLAY, I PUSH MYSELF IN WORKING MY WAY UP THERE;I PRACTICE AS MUCH AS I CAN,I TRY TO LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN, FROM THEIR MENTAL PART TO THEIR TECHNIQUES; ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE THAT I WILL EVER BECOME AS GOOD AS THEY ARE. YET, I NEVER GIVE UP MY DREAM OF ACTUALLY PLAYING IN ONE OF THE MAJOR TOURNAMENTS BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT DREAMS DO COME TRUE IF I WORK HARD FOR IT. IF THIS DREAM NEVER COME TRUE I WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED AT MYSELF, AT LEAST THERE ARE GREAT MEMORIES LEFT IN ME. THERE ARE OTHER DREAMS AND MISSIONS I HAVE PLANNED TO WORK FOR, NOW AND IN THE FUTURE, AND I WILL ALWAYS BE POSITIVE IN EVERY DREAMS I HAVE AND IN WHATEVER I DO. | low | high | high | high | low |
My roommate is trying to ask me what we are going to do while I'm typing this. We played basketball for about two and a half hours. For some reason I played pretty good today, I usually don't play that good. I'm not really sure what to write, well I mean type. I went to a sorority date dash last night. It was pretty fun. They rented out some club on sixth street. I saw some people that I went to highschool with, and I didn't get home until about three so I'm really tired . I really doubt that I'll stay out that late tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to san Antonio for the beastie boys concert with these girls that I don't really know that well. I hope everyone has a good time. The next day is my grandpa's birthday and my entire family is going to meet at our ranch in Gonzales. That reminds me I have to get him a gift. I'll get him something from ut of course probably a hat or something. My suitemates went home this weekend, one lives in Arlington the other lives in deer Park. they are pretty cool guys. Sometimes they get on my nerves but I'm sure I get on people's nerves too. My roommate is going to a church thing right now. He said that the people there are really nice but they are extremist about how they worship, I think it makes him feel uncomfortable, I can relate I've been to some church functions like that. But he is also going because he met some girl there so he is getting the best of both worlds learning about god and hooking up with a girl. I WISH I COULD OF GONE. I can hear my neighbors radio through my wall incase you wanted to know. It kind of makes me want to turn mine on since my time with you is up. | low | high | low | low | low |
I still need to do my homework for Spanish. I'll be spending a lot of time in this building in the spring because I'll be back in design and vis comm. I'm getting hungry. tonight Amy Alex and I are going to get pizza. Alex and I weren't getting along too well for a while. it was because I have been dating and spending less time with him. for a long time it was always just the two of us, neither one dating. now that I am it bothered him just a little bit. oh well, we talked about it and he's better now. which is good, I don't like to fight with Alex. I have a lot to do this week, tonight I need to read and I would like to work on and ,ideally, finish my calculus homework. tomorrow I am going to apply for a job at the nature company in the mall. I talked to one of the managers this weekend at the forum and he said that they were hiring. that would be a good place to work, at least I like the store. we'll see. I guess I need to call my sister tonight she always gets all worked up if I don't talk to her once a week. I just talked to her the other day though, sometimes I just don't feel like talking to her. I hope that someday she'll stop trying to mother me. I hope that now that she has a child she will let me be. I actually sort of enjoy my calculus class. this is my first time to take calculus so I didn't know what to expect. it is pretty interesting. I'm really getting hungry and it s going to be a couple of hours before I get to eat dinner I wish my computer at home worked it is so annoying that the computer people are being so stubborn about fixing it. I 'm glad uncle mike is going to help me with it. mom really did a good job when she picked uncle mike to be my financial adviser ii really care for hm a lot. it is always amazing to me that it is usually your friends that you can count on more than your family. you always are expected to help your family whether you like them or not but your friends are chosen and they like you and want to help with things and they won't hold it over your head. unfortunately most of the people in my family are big fans of the guilt trip. I can't stand that sort of thing. | high | high | low | high | high |
I want to go to Mexico and dance I have not dance in a wile no time the is so much good live music here it because money though I am hopefully going to get a job I need to turn in that application tomorrow too I have a lot of stuff to do oh well I am going take it as it comes though bye. | high | high | low | high | high |
My toes are kind of cold, no, they're very cold because this room is always frigid. At least I've got my flannel pants on that are so comfortable! I love them. I could live in them. My T-shirt isn't too warm, but it's okay. I'm kind of wondering how I'm going to do this for 20 minutes straight. My thoughts kind of wander, but I'm not sure how I can record them for that long. I have a kind of upset feeling in my stomach right now. I think I'm just hungry. The rest of me is very relaxed because of the day I just spent out at Hamilton Pool, swimming and hiking. I loved the cold water that felt so good after the hot sun beating down on me in the car and during the hikes. The hikes were fun, though, because everything was so clean and clear, and it was fresh and refreshing. I wish my desk went back farther because I feel like the monitor is right in my face and it is too big for me to look at the whole thing. I would like a less-focused perspective on it, but I guess that's a dumb thing to say because it's nice to have a big monitor and it's not such a problem. People down the hall are getting kind of loud. It kind of annoys me when they talk really loud all over the dorm, but I guess it shouldn't because I could always just shut my door and it wouldn't be a problem. Plus, I know that I'm really loud a lot of the time, especially when friends come over and find my guitar, speaking of which, I need to get my guitar out of Dave's trunk so I can practice it because they're so much better than me at playing and if we're going to do music for the Happening, I need to be better. I'm wondering if I'm doing this assignment right. I mean, am I supposed to record what I think and feel right now, or if my mind wanders to tangents should I record that too? I guess I'll just go with my stream of consciousness, like the assignment says. My fingers are going to get tired of typing. I feel like they are getting worn smooth by my fingers always tapping on them. I guess the real problem is that my fingers are cold so there is a kind of loss of sensation and they don't move so well right now. My fingers always get so cold during the winter, especially. I'm kind of dreading fall for that reason, but I love fall and winter, and I'm actually really excited about it. I wonder if I was reading this if I would think I am a negative person. I mean, the whole thing is about negative stuff: cold toes and fingers and stomach pains and annoying stuff going on around. I'm actually a really happy person, I don't know why I complain so much. I wonder if I do that in everyday conversation, too. I guess I'm kind of whiny, but I catch myself doing it so I stop-plus, people know that I'm not really serious about it, I just like to make noise sometimes. rrOoooh, I like popping my knuckles-there I go trying to be positive-it's funny that that's what I came up with to be positive. I just did it, and it helps them feel so much more movable, which is ironic because it'll probably give me arthritis and keep me from moving them when I get old. Oh well, it's a habit I can't seem to break. On my desk I have pictures of my cousins. They are so cute-the little ones, the older ones are just goofy and funny. I love them. Just looking at them makes me laugh about dumb stuff that we've done. There is also a picture of my little sister making a really silly face into the camera. She's in her bathing suit, wearing goggles and everything. Everybody laughs at that picture, including me. There is also pictures of a church retreat I did called Happening. I love those pictures because that was probably the best week of my life and those people are probably my best friends in the world-except for my family because family has always known me and will always be there. I'm so glad that I'm saved. I used to never use that phrase bc I thought it was cheesy and overzealous, but it's so true. Where would my life be without Christ? I just don't know. He brings me so much joy that it's overwhelming. I wish I could share that with everyone who has never felt it, but some people don't want to hear it. that's too bad because I know people who need Christ (well, we all do, but I mean people who complain about a void in their life that they don't know how to fill) and they're the ones who I most want to tell about Him, but there is such an attitude in society that you just don't "preach" to other people, and they would resent it if I tried to tell them. They don't realize that I just want to share-"I know it can do it for you-you've got to know what it did for me. " (song lyrics) but I'm labeled as one who judges-funny thing is that they're the ones who are judging me. My intentions are pure. It's not like I'm on commission-one extra year in Heaven for every person you bring to Christ-I just care about people and the Lord, and I want to serve Him and help them. It's the truth, you know? If only I could just tap my experience into people so they wouldn't doubt me or think I'm false or that I'm just trying to glorify myself because I'm not. "What do I care about pleasing men? If I wanted to please men, I would not be a servant of God. " Gal 1:10 That's Reagan's favorite verse. Hmmm, I wonder if Reagan is back in town yet. He went home for his dad's birthday this weekend. I should call him tonight, and now my 20 minutes are up so I can do that! wow, that went fast. it's kind of scary how fast that went! | high | high | high | high | high |
it has been raining for the past 4 days and I guess that has a lot to do with everyone's attitudes. I feel a little relieved and tired though I had my first test of the semester this morning. I feel tired because I spent the majority part of the weekend partying rather then studying like I should have. now I was forced to cram study this morning just because of my laziness and inability to control my desires to go out with my friends. I should recover with a good nights sleep tonight. I called my father today. I'm trying to get on his good side now because he has been very disappointed in me. for some reason I seem to keep getting myself in situations that are to his beliefs not appropriate. the bad part about it is that I know that I am doing wrong but I still continue to do other things that make feel that he has failed as a parent. I guess he think is that if I am not perfect then he has failed as a parent. I'm trying to get it to him that I still have a lot of things going for me. I guess as a parent you want what's best for your child. so any little flaw on my part makes him feel that he did not do a good job raising me. I feel totally different though. I believe that I have thee best parents in the world because they have provided me with al the possible things to help me better myself in every way possible. in other matters work is going pretty well I will probably be getting a raise soon. my performance has been really well so maybe it will be a substantial raise | high | high | high | high | low |
They are playing OU as I write this and I am hoping that they loose. I keep telling myself to hope that they win but deep down I really want them to loose. When they win his main concern is football and when they loose he concentrates more on me. Is this some psychotic way of wanting to control him? I know that if they win then he will seem more appealing to other girls. This makes me extremely jealous and insecure. Adrian is my first love. He is the first person I ever really cared about. I don't know if I am wasting my time in this long distant relationship though. There are so many more important things that I should be worrying about right now in my life. I am in my prime. I am terrified of getting hurt. I'm scared that I am going to put effort into this relationship only to get screwed over in the end or in a time when I really need him. I can almost see history repeating itself: in high school I stood beside Adrian when he was a dork and always sat the bench in football then when he got good and things took a turn in my life to where I needed someone there for me we was too good. I still have a tremendous amount of anger towards Adrian for the things he did to hurt me. This relationship is not good for me right now in many ways but I'm am too scared of loosing the only person in the world that I would be willing to lay down my life for. I don't know if I am being insecure about our relationship because of things Adrian has done in the past or because I feel insecure about myself and in some way feel like I am not worthy of someone liking me. | high | low | high | low | high |
Last night I was almost done and my computer just shut off. I don't really understand why but oh well. I don't usually understand computer stuff, or any technical stuff in general. I hope that they have my packet today at the co-op so that I can be totally done with mis before tomorrow I think that I am pretty organized in relation to homework more organized than usual at least I think that Lucy will be a good academic influence on me since she is a good studier its so much different having a roommate that studies since angie didn't do much last year but it is a good thing may be finally I will get to go to sleep earlier and that will make me healthy I still can't believe that I didn't catch mono from angie last year I have a sore throat now I hope that it goes away soon I don't really want to have to go to the health center you never know when th3ey are going out have to take blood and that really freaks me out I can't believe that it is already time to start school again this summer went by so fast and rush was such a blur and we have had no time to recuperate before jumping back into school this semester is going out be really hard and busy I think I thin k all of my classes will be really interesting, but difficult I am so glad that I was able to get out of art history and into philosophy that will be a lot more interesting it is so weird how some teachers can teacher art history so differently so many people told me that they liked it and that it was easy but I know that that class wouldn't have been easy it was such a pain to add/drop though I am so glad that it is done next weekend is the first football game I am looking forward to it I am glad that billy and I got season tickets so that I don't have to go draw or anything it s so nice to have all of them now and especially the OU tickets I doubt that I will end up going to the a and m game because I bet I will stay home for thanksgiving well, billy can invite one of this friends to go with him I can't believe that he wouldn't stay home for thanksgiving though that surprises me his mom is going to be very unhappy with him I am getting really hungry I wonder what we will do for dinner I wish that billy and I could get together but we are not on the best terms right now I can't believe that we got in such a big fight last night maybe we were just tired I hope that everything turns out okay it was nice of eric and Jeff to come over last night sometimes I miss having all those guys next door like last year we had a lot of fun last year together I am glad that Cindy and eric get to be together again, but I hope that they are prepared for what's ahead it will be hard for them to adjust out being together all the time especially when the stress from school really kicks in I am kind of getting a little homesick I am anxious to see Lauren's new car I can't believe that she is really turning sixteen I am really afraid for her to drive so I hope that mom and dad are taking her out a lot for a lot of good driving experience she really could use the practice I am anxious to see dads' new office space too I hope that he is a little less stressed I know that going out the party last night was probably pretty hard for him, but I am glad that Steve a. will be available to help him because he needs some new employees I know that mom is getting worried about him being so stressed all the time but I know that she really is glad that he is not going out Minneapolis a lot that was getting really old it was nice to see Meredith this weekend it is so weird being I'm the same city as her again I wish tat I could have gotten to see brad too, but he was busy my feelings were kind of hurt how he acted toward me at the party on Wednesday night, but I understand they both still seem pretty immature and I am kind of worried about Meredith and I hope that she is careful. I am glad that she found a date for the date dash I can't believe that they are all living on the same hall that is just a little too weird for me but that's pat for you I hope that they all have a fun year and I hope that we all keep in touch it was nice seeing Ashley this weekend too her room at the house is really nice I think that her sorority house is really nice also it is really big and it must be nice to have their own bathroom and not have to do the community thing I am glad that Lucy and I are going to go on a walk I could really use the exercise I am going to try to start aerobics tomorrow I really need too get back in shape I felt so good about myself last year when I was going to aerobics everyday I need to get back in that mode I don't think that I really lost that much weight this summer but things seem to be fitting better now. I seem to not be snacking as much as I did last year which is a very good thing I hope that the food at the sorority house gets better because it hasn't been very good lately but I think that it will get better I hope that billy calls me after he gets home from work he is working way too hard I guess that he won't work next weekend because he will be at the football game that's a good things maybe we can spend some qt together okay this is getting hard of more things to keep talking about I think that I might be repeating some of the same stuff over and over again I hat it that mom can 't really send packages to the apartment but I'm afraid that I would never get them since there is no real apartment address or anything I'm afraid that they would just leave it outside my door and then something might happen whit it I hope that Amy and Meredith had a good time with their boys this weekend I will go down later and see I have a lot of fun with them we are really similar in a lot of ways I am really glad that they are living at centennial too there are so many tridelts here it is a lot of fun I wonder where Lucy and I will walk too we need to somehow walk by the coop I hope that it is not too hot outside when I went out onto the balcony a couple minutes ago it was really hot I think that it will be fun to study out there once it gets a little cooler I am anxious for it to cool down it was so hot walking out class the other day especially to the art building I was so disgusting by the time I got back form class Mondays and Wednesdays are going to be long now that I go from one to five but Tuesdays and Thursdays will be pretty easy except this Tuesday I have that class from six to eight o'clock which really stinks I wonder why all the good shows start again I can't wait to see the friends season premier and 90210 I am so excited this year should be very good well I am going to stop this now it is now over 20 minutes | low | high | high | high | high |
I am completely computer illiterate and I never trust them. I have a lot of reading to catch up on and I am worried that I will not have enough time this week. A bunch of my friends and I are flying to Los Angeles on Friday morning for the UCLA vs. UT football game. We are only staying until Sunday evening but that takes away an entire weekend. I should probably bring some of my books with me on the airplane because I think it's about a four hour flight. I am also mad at myself because I took a really long nap today which wasted a lot of time. I think I really needed to catch up on my sleep though from this weekend. We stayed up really late after the game on Saturday and then I woke up early on Sunday to drive to Houston. I went in town to visit my family because I missed them and hadn't been home in a while. We went out to dinner on Sunday evening and then went to look at my Dad's new office. He just moved, it's a little bit smaller than his old one but he doesn't have a partner any more so he doesn't need as much space. Well, now I'm off to try to get on to the Pretesting page. | low | low | high | high | high |
I wonder if I am doing this right. I can't stop thinking about truyen. I need to stop. Jesus, she is like two hundred miles away and I can't get her out of my mind. I need money. I need something. maybe a drink. maybe I need a cigarette. I was trying to quit but I just can't seem to do it. its only been two minutes now and I have already run the course of my brain. I need to do my laundry. I want to swear, but I might offend whom ever is reading this . if anyone is reading this , what should I do???????? I 'm hungry. shoot I stopped. Oh well, I can get back into it. I really don't think I am doing this right. I wonder if heather will feed me? I really want a drink. I am stressed out and I just need to party. I'm not an alcoholic. I think my hypothalamus is screwed up. shit my bag is in my way, It's on fire AAAHHHHHHH I can't breathe. I keep pushing that damn backspace button. I am just not going to push it anymore no matter what mistakes I make. I wrote that entire sentence without a mistake. ironic huh. shit! I pushed it again. What in god's name am I doing here? I 'm talking about a backspace button and what 's really on my mind is the fact that I have no money and I am lonely. Maybe I shouldn't be writing this, but oh well. I don't care who reads this. You only know that I am a number. Maybe if you got to know me I would scare the living shit out of you. I am screwed in the brain. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaA I have like fifteen more minutes and my arms are getting sore. I need to stop, but I can't' stop! I need to press on with my story of nonsensical blabbering. I want to go home. I need a job. I need a woman. I have a woman but she is in Dallas and I am in Austin. Am I forcing myself to think this? Am I just doing this for the show. No I really am hungry. Who am I talking to anyway. That guy next to me thinks I am weird. WEIRD I can tell he thinks that I am just typing away on this little machine and not really saying anything. But am I? TEST I like to push the buttons, George. I push them all at once and lock up the computer calm down now. I can't just blab on this thing all day l9ong. I need o go home. I need to go back to Dallas. I need a hamburger. I need a drink I need a A in this class. I need a smoke. Me memmemememem why is it always about my needs what do you want? what do you need? these chairs are comfy. my I have a dirty shirt long arms weird hands. Am I just writing these things,. hoping that someone will read it and tell my what is wrong? Am I looking to be labeled? Am I crazy? Am I stupid? I'm not stupid. I know what's going on. I can see you guys are trying to make me paranoid, well it ain't going to work. Nobody makes me paranoid. That's my little joke, get it? I'm paranoid about being paranoid. It's funny. Laugh you friggin computer ! Is my time almost up yet In this land you can't stop until you have been programmed. Am I programmed yet? what the hell am I doing? I want to go get something to eat. I can't I have no $$$ I have a job interview tomorrow. I hope I get the job so that I can eat and buy gas to go home and tell Truyen how I feel about her. FUCK you your never going to tell her that. Someday I will. yeah right. No If I just go to her and say, hey I really like you and I want to marry you, she will run screaming and never want to see me again. I can't do that. But I can't just sit in my biology class with all these beautiful women and think about her all my life. I need to do something. The time has expired. | high | low | low | high | high |
Is there a reason? These questions have been filling my mind often lately. When I talk to my friends about it they say that they have the same problem. Is this a problem that every young man encounters? It kin of scary because maybe I'll never find out. Also, can I ever be satisfied. Whenever I gain something I find my self always wanting more. I am incomplete. I have pushed many limits and yet have found no real answers. Some say a man with out a purpose will drive himself insane. Maybe , a man with all the answers has no purpose. | high | high | low | high | low |
However, I feel I could be falling into a trap that could severely effect my grades. My roommate is a friend from high school and unfortunately for me he likes to stay out very late. I have early classes and it is starting to take a toll on me. It doesn't seem as if there is enough time in a day. I am looking forward to playing club volleyball here and I really enjoy the coach. Volleyball is by far my favorite sport. I need to start asking some girls I have met out on dates. I am enrolled in a dancing class with one of my girlfriends and I am having a lot of fun with it. My parents are coming up to see me tomorrow and will be bringing my bicycle with them. It is funny, I love my parents very much but I really don't miss them. I don't have a desire to go home any time soon. My suitemates are having friends stay the night and I hope that they will not be too noisy. After the football game tonight I think I will do some homework and go to bed. I am looking forward to this psychology class. I find it very interesting so far. I need to be sure to keep up in my reading. | high | high | high | high | low |
I am from San Antonio. I feel sick all of the time. I don't feel nervous or anxious, I just don't feel well. I started feeling this way when I moved to Austin. I usually don't get more than 4 hours of sleep a night and I usually only eat one meal per day. I don't think that I am depressed, although last night I cried for about 30 minutes because I was thinking about things from the past. I miss my ex-boyfriend. When we broke up I felt like a failure because he was the only guy that I tried for. He has been the only guy that I have ever cared about. I also cried because I miss my mother. She died from leukemia when I was 9. Right now I don't feel like studying for my Chemistry quiz tomorrow, even though I really need to. There is this problem I seem to have with caring. I just don't. There are only two people in this whole world that I would cry at their funerals if they were to die. Those two people are my dad and my brother. Lately I feel like they don't really care to talk to me though. My best friend is also my roommate and she has gotten a call or a visit from someone in her family at least everyday. I haven't gotten a call from anyone in my family yet. I guess it doesn't really matter though. There is this guy in Austin that I may start to actually like. I met him at the summer orientation for pre-freshmen. Then, over the summer, he spent five days looking up my phone number over the internet. (Or so he says) Well now we are sort of dating and I'm starting to get a little interested. I'm very insecure though, and I think that he is too good-looking for me and soon he will find someone better. That's why I try not to let myself care too much for him. My roommate thinks that I am just a player because I talk to a lot of guys, but that is not what I want. I want someone to want to be with me all of the time, and no one else. I only want one person for me, but at the same time there are so many new and interesting people attending this University that I have a hard time being serious about committment right now. I don't know. I guess I will just have to see what happens, right? My dad doesn't understand that I don't care about my new step-mother. She is my second step-mother because my dad and first step-mother got a divorce. I didn't care about her either. My first step-mother had two sons of her own and I was glad when they got divorced because I didn't like her or her sons. My step-mother now, I like, but I just don't care what happens. She is not my mom. You only have one mother in a lifetime. As long as she makes my father happy, she is cool. I'm so tired, but I probably won't be able to sleep again tonight. Most of my classes are giving me a lot of work to do. My friends all say that it sucks to be Heather, but I don't really care. I have a job interview on Friday. I don't want a job, but my dad wants me to get one. I want to go home. Home is not my dorm room, and it's not my house in San Antonio where my parents live either. I say that I want to go home all of the time, but I still don't know what I mean when I say it. When I find that place where I am happy I guess then I will know what I mean. I'm not a happy person. yet. I am content, but not happy with my life. I have this one candle that I light when I feel truly happy. I haven't lite it in years. | low | low | low | low | high |
The on e thing in my mind right now is obviously college. I didn't really have to study to get past high school, but I foresee a lot of changes in my schedule, just 20 min ago I did ALL my math homework for the first time in maybe a year. If studying was my chief concern than I would be perfectly satisfied. Unfortunately that is not my only concern. I am originally from Houston, so as much as I hate to admit it I miss my home, and even my parents. there are so many things about home that I miss, thing that I nerve thought would matter, things like going to the bathroom. Well I miss the past, and I am worried sick about the future. How will I do in my first test? How will I register for spring classes? Will I have enough hours to graduate with a BS degree in biology? Will I get into Medical school? If I don't get into Medical school, then what will I do? Obviously time is the only thing that will answer these questions. but you can not help but worry about them. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a doctor. Well not from the beginning, I have wanted to be a doctor ever since I was 11. That is when I had a brain surgery. After that I wanted to use the life that was saved by another as a tool to save other people. There have been a lot of changes that have occurred in me but one thing that has stayed consistent within me is my passion to help others. The one thing that made me feel occurred when I was 5. My grandfather and I were walking down a street when we ran into a beggar. my grandfather had just bought me my favorite kind of ice cream. When my grandfather took the ice cream from me and gave it to the beggar. at that time I hated I'm for it. . but when I went to sleep that night all I could see was the gleam in the eyes of that beggar. it was at that time that tears starting coming out of my eyes. I felt proud that I had participated in something so beautiful. Being a doctor to me is the best to repay god, and my family, and those doctors that saved my life. The one thing that I am afraid of is the one thing most people are afraid of. failure. Fear of failure has always driven me forward, it is my opinion that fear of failure is the one thing that keeps this world going. everybody has a goal in their life and the fear of failure makes them work as hard as possible. hopefully one day I will walk out of a doctor as a doctor, who just helped saved someone life. . that would be a dream come true. | low | low | low | high | high |
I'm in my boyfriends apartment and my friends and I are doing our laundry. I feel very tired since I have an 8:00am class. I've had a pretty good day though, I love UT. My classes seem okay and I'm sure I'll do fine. I don't feel at all homesick, which is good. My parents miss me so much though and I feel bad for that. I'm going home this weekend even though I don't want to, but that's okay. I don't think I'm doing this right. no one will probably ever read this so why should I care. I feel like such a number at this school, but I am determined to change that. I feel like I'm writing in my journal. Emily and Annie are over here too and they brought their homework. I wish I had brought mine. I am so afraid that I'm going to get behind in my classes and not make good grades. I want a gpa of 3. 5 or better. Maybe it was stupid to set a goal that high, but that's good for me because last year I could have done a lot better. I don't regret it though, I had a very nice senior year. This year I want to study very hard though and be able to say I tried my hardest. I also want to get a PhD in psychology. I don't know why though because I just want to be a housewife. I love the idea of people calling me Dr. Hutchins though, that would be so cool. Being a medical doctor is waht my heart desires, but I can't stand the sight of blood. that causes a problem. So, I figured I'd help people another way. If I do work I want to be a child psychologist. I have a passion for kids and want to help as many as I can. That's why I want to be a housewife, so I can be with my kids all day. I'm getting tired of typing now, it should have been 15 min, not 20. I wonder what other people are going to type about. My back is hurting from sitting like this so I'm going to stop. it's been 20 min anyway. I feel weird writing something for school and not using any kind of format, but I really enjoyed it because I hate English with a passion. I took two years of AP English and I didn't pass the AP test my junior year. didn't bother taking it my senior year. Alright goodbye :) | low | low | high | high | low |
I just finished my last class for the day. I sit at he computer for almost two hours without knowing what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. This is my first year here at UT. My mind is very messed up today. I don't know what I want to do. I would say that I'm kind of lost--confused, worried, and depressed. Usually, the first day of school always seems to be the best day of school for me throughout the years from junior high through high school. However, today, I'm finally in college and for some reason I don't feel any excitement at all like I used to. Perhaps it's because something that's bothering me inside. I don't feel like talking to anybody. I wanted to go to class yet when I arrived to one class, I just want to lay down on the little desk and rest. The day is almost gone by and I still don't know what my destinations are. There are so many things that await me. I don't know whether I should go to parlin to pick up my English portfolio, to go to the library to do my homework, to go to the bookstore to buy my books, or just go home, take a shower and jump right into bed. I don't even know what I'm writing now. I'm just simply typing in what I have in mind now. All these confusions that I have right now. Well, I'm thinking what am I going to do tomorrow. Should I wake up early or should I sleep for another few hours? I mean I don't have to come to class until half an hour after noon tomorrow! I hope I could gather my thoughts together soon so that I could determine what is that, that I really want to do. | low | low | low | low | high |
I wish I had a car though, but I think that will bug me for a while because it'll probably be a while until I can afford one. But I will always get by, I know. Well it appears that laundry day is tomorrow, so I still have to wake up at 7 am even though I have no classes till three but then again that's probably why it's laundry day. Well I didn't get to talk to my girlfriend tonight because she was in class late, but at least she's at class. That's good because she needs to go to class as often as possible to pull up her GPA so maybe just maybe she can come to Austin and live somewhere around here. I wonder if whoever reads this will ever understand why people ramble. Anyway, I'll call her tomorrow to see how her first day at community college is. It's pretty nice in my appt right now, a cool 70 degrees which is nice after having to carry about 50 pounds of groceries up a hill and up a flight of stairs. Just kept on saying "Can you feel that!" to keep myself from stopping because once you stop you just might not be able to start again. I guess that's the focus to my whole life. Not sure if that's good or bad or what. Probably what got me in trouble last semester when I was half way thru the semester. Pretty crazy that I'm my worst enemy, but in a way, I guess that makes me my best friend (except for my girlfriend and real best friend of course) but if I didn't kick my own butt to do better who would? So I just keep on chugging. I don't know why I'm so success driven? Lord knows I'd like to be able to loosen up a bit and have some fun, but I never can seem to do that. Try alcohol to do that, but pretty sure my body didn't take too much of a liking to that. Oh well. I'll probably grow out of it (please please please). So enough of that, I hope the Aggies have lost against FSU because then I get to email my Ag friends and laugh. But then again that might not be the greatest idea if the Horns don't fair that well this year. Don't know what I'm listening to on the radio now. Oh yea ACDC!! Rock on! Anyway, I loved that Howard Stern movie, not quite sure why, but you almost have to love someone that pathetic. Movies, that's a topic. I love going to see movies. Just like the escape I guess. Thrillers are the best, not the goory (sp?) ones but like the one with Kevin Spacy Usual Suspects, that movie was great. Also, that Primal Fear was terrific, saving that line for the last was brilliant technique, and the acting superbe. I was getting all sorts of recommendations from the guy at blockbuster this past Friday (yes I was a pathetic party pooper but I did manage to do some socializing). Anyway I get these movies and come home. Now I'm already disappointed because I have this great new TV in my living room and no cable hookup to watch anything but Fox thru a lot of colored snow. So I figure I'll rent a movie, that has to get reception. But NOOOOOO, the VCR is goofed or something. It may have something to do with the tracking, but I don't have the tape anymore so I can't experiment. I'm usually very good which technical things. I knew everything about my first VCR before it came out of the box. But last Friday was definately not my day (triple low I've heard it called). But oh well, my friends liked my spaghetti and my (MOM's) sauce so that was good. Not a complete loss. Man I would hate to be the person trying to pick stuff out of this. So anyway, I have 5 minutes or so to type. I have a printer sitting next to me still in its box, and a vacuum cleaner in its box in the closet. Tell you anything about me? Actually, I'm a pretty neat ship keeper; I do have a bit of a paperwork mess in my bedroom but the livingroom is quite presentable except of course for a big big (like really large and at one time really heavy) TV box. But until the cable guy comes on Wed. , it'll probably stay there. I have to make sure that I can support my mother beginning this summer because I think she may need it at some point. Wish I had a godsent car that would work and then I could probably swing insurance payments and gas, but with car payments it'd be too much. Oh my, listening to Eye of the Tiger, how old is that?!?!?! So, maybe I should just go to sleep after writing this. I need to go see if I can to the pretesting for this class, but I tried before this and couldn't get it to load up. Something about the server being down. Well, such is life. I think I should do pretty good this semester, shooting for a 4. 0 again. Got to stay in head of my brother, we are so competitive, he's a yr behind me but transfered in with a bit more credit than I did, and with leaving mid-semester last yr, he's got a good chance to stay pretty close. Times up, bye now!!! | high | high | low | low | low |
Adjusting to the classes, increased freedom and increases in "having a good time" have all been fairly easy to get used to. Meeting new people has been exciting and the "name game of trying" to remember everyone I have met has been a challenge. This Labor Day weekend I saw the huge different between high school and college as I decided to take a road trip with three other friends to Galveston, a popular Labor Day hangout. I don't know if it was the college parties that made the night we were there seem dull or just that several key things were missing that usually made the time memorable. Seeing my younger friends made me feel out of place, and talk of curfew violations almost made me laugh. One thing is for sure those times are over and getting further away, but also new and improved times are ahead. This weekend has also showed me that I am a very patient person. My roommate Paul has shown this to me. Having my windshield broken, being almost evicted from our apartment and being irresponsible are just a few of my things my roommate has done this weekend. If I am still sane at the end of the year I think that I will be a stronger person, because of having to deal with Paul. I feel the classes are picking up as professors start talking about future exams. O, I almost forgot to mention my goals for this year (in no specific order)- get good grades (a 4. 0), not get fatter, stupider, not get into too much trouble and have a blast. Basically I hope to work hard and play hard. | high | high | low | low | high |
like a paper boat that's filled with water and slowly sinking. I'm not sure how to describe my thoughts at this particular moment. My thoughts seem to roam from one thing to another in a split second without me actually aborting all the information. I guess what to say is that my thoughts are unorganized like my backpack, all scattered around in bits. What pops up in my mind as a thought is how I'm going to go home after my classes are over for the day and check off the things that I remembered to do and those that I forgot to do. In my mind, all that I can see is my thoughts as a candy and it being surrounded by a mob of ants. My feelings at this moments are being jumpy and nervous at anything I see. I can't seem to calm myself. I also feel out of place and not all there, really unprepared. I guess to say is that I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and all alone on it. My sensations are at this moment very glad that the day is almost over and excited about hurrying home. My sensation at this moment also indicate anxiety for the next day and a sign of relief. That I can take a deep breath instead of gulping down small ones. | low | high | low | high | high |
He will be nineteen this Saturday. I think I am going to go crazy trying to get something for the boy who has everything. He just left my dorm room. and we just had a fight. he is going to his apartment to check if his dog made a mess on the carpet. I think he likes his dog more than me sometimes. I am listening to the soundtrack of the tape that I do yoga to because it soothes me. when I do yoga I am so calm. I actually feel very centered and like my whole body is in a perfect line when have finished the whole tape, its an hour long and it really is a workout. my mom got me started on yoga, she's totally addicted now. I am too, but I'm going into withdrawal because there is nowhere in the castilian where I could do it. I am going home to Dallas this weekend and I'll get to see my whole family!! my mom will make some really good dinner for me because she thinks I'm starving here. I'm not but there's just nothing good to eat. everybody loves the food that their mom cooks them though. I went home last weekend too. the people down the hall are being so noisy . I want to change this CD, I think I just fell into a trance. I do think I was in a trance this morning in biology. my roommate was up until 6 this morning doing some paper and she kept waking me up. she takes a lot of my stuff without asking , and that's not cool. Oh well , she's cool otherwise. I've got other homework to start now so I don't keep her up tonight!!! | high | high | low | low | high |
I don't know if I can handle all of this. Every semester I procrasnated with only 13 hours to worry about. And for the first time, in a long time, I am facing reality and taking my school work and my life seriously. The good thing is that I have a loving mother who understands me most of the times; I have a father that I do love and who does love me, but I don't watn to get in to it; and my pride and joy is my boyfriend who I love dearly, and Labor day is our first year anniversary. I have no clue what to get him. I mean we've always given each other what's in our heart (we don't like superficial stuff)--I've made many creative stuff like "two peas in a pod" with clay, paper mashad hearts for Christmas, cranes in a bottle,. and he too have made me stuff like putting our baby pictures to gether in a frame, written me poems, made a model Plymouth Plower (my favorite car last year), and he even went so far as to sew a heart for me. FOr a guy to sew is absolutely a amazing. It was so poorly put togther, some strings were loose, some parts were't even attached. etc, but it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I must have cried, partly because I was mad at him at the time because I felt that he was not thinking too much of me. Was I surprised. So here's a delinma. How can I show him what he means on our anniversary when all my ideas have been used? Plus I only have exactly 6 days to do this? I was originally going to draw the entire Disney fairy tale characters, but he doesn't like disney. I was thinking of writing him a poem, but I'm just so much better at prose. So far, my idea is to just to write him a book with old scripture. Hopefully, with everything that I have to do this week, I'll be able to write it. | low | low | high | high | high |
I don't like people to know how my mind works if I don't even know them. I guess I have always been protective of my true thoughts and feelings. The irony is that the more you reveal of your self, the better you get to know and become closer to your friends. The first few steps of trust can be some of the hardest (besides the ones after a loss of trust). I think that it is possible to gain trust back. It takes a long time and complete honesty, but it should be acheivable. It is really funny. People say that they don't trust any one they don't know, but they trust checkout people and opperators all the time. Just think about how much information is handed out each day between people that don't know each other. Of course we would be quite paranoid if we didn't trust any one. It just seems like we are ready to talk to some one we have never met before and never will see again more than we would talk to some one in a new class. People are overly concerned with making good impressions. It is important to realize that we are all pron to error. I say this, but I still worry about making good first impressions. I worry about it more if I think I am going to see the person again. If I don't think we will ever meet again, I am more relaxed. My mind is currently switching between a rapid pace of thoughts to blanking out. It is really scarry to think that your mind can just go blank when your not really doing any thing. I can understand your mind blanking out on a particular subject while you are trying to consentration on it, but the total lack of thought is just wierd. Oh my gosh. I just looked at the clock. I hope I have time to take a shower before the floor meeting. I have been going every where to day including a short (very short) workout at the gym. I probably smell. Not that I did that much exercise today. All the machines were full so I was only able to do two machines today. If I had been with a friend I would have stayed longer since I would have had some one to talk to in line while waiting. Athletic centers can be very intemidating places. Every one always seems to know what they are doing and seems to be in great shape. Of course, if you go to work out enough, you are going to be in shape. My back really hurts. I need to sit strait. I am always slouching over. I try to keep my back strait; it just never works for too long. I'm getting tired now. Typing is becoming harder as I become sleepier. Sleep is such an important part of my life. I probably sleep way too much, but it is better than some habbits people have. There is a consceted statement. Trying to say that I am better than some other people. Who do I think I am? We all have are assests and faults. What time is it? I really need to go soon. I just hope that when I get there I don't smell too bad or say my thoughts out loud. I am not saying them out loud, but typing them is very similar. The toughts must be processed to make sense and be comunicated. Writing is just a different form of comunication compared to talking. I hope I can find this place. I wish I had a friend to go with me. Large social events can be intemidating when every one seems to already know eachother. May be some of the people I met Saturday night will be there. Then I can finally figure out two of their names. It is so weird. I can remember the conversation we had, what they wore, where we were sitting, every thing but their names. I can't ask them because they remember mine. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I have to go now so I can get there on time. | high | high | low | high | high |
I keep coughing so much in class I think I probably annoy the crap out o everybody there. I should stop smoking so much. It feels good to be back in school, seeing friends again, but I miss my mom. She is wittiog all the way in Ethiopia and I'm over here. IT sucks. But there is always Christmas time, so it is not that bad. I have no idea what that holiday is going to be like. This guy just bumped in to me an did not even apologize. I hate it when people do that. He just walks by like It's okay to knock people into a damn computer screen. Jerk. I don't understand how I am going to keep writing for twenty minutes. The way I type it will probably be the worst thing anyone has ever read. I tend to type fast and then screw up a lot along the way. There is a guy near me talking a bout the Swiss air crash and Jerry McGuire. I hate baseball so I couldn't care less. There goes my cough again. I got to get home soon, I got a date. This is really a nice girl and I hope it works out, but I will probably spend the hold time coughing anyway. The guy is now talking about wire services. What in the world are wire services. I am getting kind of thirsty and I should get a drink of water, but I do not know where the water fountains in this library are. I hate asking people about it, I guess I feel stupid. I wonder what the guys who read this stuff do. Do they analyze it of just laugh at the kind of things people come up with. I would probably laugh a lot. If this was me reading it I would be cracking up. Then a gain I am kind of a jerk. What I don't understated about the internet is how people think its so much phone. I like e mail and research its great. But this whole surfing the web for hours like its some sort of athletic event seems kinds stupid. I thinks I sound like some commercial I saw. Its amazing how TV effects you like that. You watch some stupid ditcom and then start using the vocab all over the palace. IT hate the people who keep going yadda yadda because of Seinfeld. But then again I pick up enough catch [phrases anyway. I just looked at the watch, another ten minutes of writing. This is really weird. This is the first psych class I have taken and so far I enjoyed it. This is a different kind of activity. I have difficulty understanding how this helps us learn anything, but then again I am cynical by nature. The prof was talking about the brain today and it was really technical I thought the class would not be like that. Not that I mind or I did not understand it, it was just a surprise. Somebody once told that psych classes are some of the most fun, I hope he is right. I don't see much of him anymore, he got married and has kids. So his life really changes. He's like my brother, wee used to hang out and drink beer all the time and go to games and stuff like that. Now he only wants to take his baby to the Children's museum and do family things. I love the kid, but I miss the old him who would drive off to new Orleans on a whim because he wanted a sandwich form a particular cafe. It's funny who people change. I' feel I have changed in college. I would not say I grew up, I just found out things about myself that I would not have ordinarily known like what it's like to be away form all the comforts of home and how I would handle it. Or to be away form Africa and in America again. I kind of glorified it but it did not turn out that way. I hope that December comes so, I am looking forward to all my friends and my parent, an my dog . I want to get a dog hear but the apt does not allow it so I guess I am stuck. My place is too small anyway. I have not really seen that many apt in Austin that allow pets. but I am sure there a lot. Hey that girl is really cute. | low | low | low | low | high |
Tonight I get to go to a date dash function with my new sorority. Some of my friends set me up with a guy that I have never met before. I can't wait to meet him. I hope he is nice and at the same time, good looking! This week has been good. All my classes are going well, so I feel confident about them and life in general. Lunch today was especially good, since I haven't eaten a real meal in a few days. I love college. It's so good to not have to worry about a curfew and letting my parents know exactly where I am going to be, etc. I love my roommate, and we have almost the same schedule, so that works out perfectly. Last night, I typed an extrememly long letter to a friend that I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, so my fingers are still kind of tired from typing then. That's ok, though, because I am getting some homework done early, so that I don't have to worry about it later on. That is definitely a good feeling. I am also feeling excited because I saw two guys on campus this morning that I know from high school. Ever since the first day of classes, I had been wanted to see someone I knew. It just happens that those two that I saw today were also some of the cutest and most popular guys that I know. Lucky me! This gum that I'm chewing is from a blow pop that I finished a few minutes ago, and it is already losing its flavor. Those things never last long at all. I have a problem with one of my classes. see, I swam all throughout junior high and highs school, and I want to continue in college, but every time I want to do something, the class is in the way. I've already changed the time once, but it still causes conflicts. That is very stressful. I don't know if I should change it to an early time because then, I would have to take a shower in between classes, and it might be a pain. But then at least I'd have time to go to my sorority meetings and all the fun parties and stuff. But would I have time to take my regular naps in between my classes like I usually do? No, I don't think I would. Let's see. which is more important? I guess more things will come up in the evenings than in the mornings, so it might be better to change to that early time. I just don't know. WOw, I have like nine minutes left. THis isn't such a bad assignment. Psychology is actually really fun. I've only been to two classes, but the professor is really funny and definitely keeps my attention, which is hard to do for an hour and a half. I hope the tests aren't too hard, though, because I'm not that great at analyzing and stuff. I took psychology in high school, and it was way different. My teacher bored us to death, and we learned practically nothing. It was the easiest class ever! I am going home to Houston this weekend, which is very exciting because all my friends from different colleges are coming home, too. We are all going to go see Clay Walker, my favorite country singer. My ex-boyfriend will also be in town. I haven't seen him in over two months. He goes to West Point in New York and had to leave in late June. I talk to him every once in awhile, but I miss him so much. We are still great friends, and I can't wait to see him again. We dated for a year and three months, so its strange not to see him at all anymore. This gum is really ready to be thrown away, but I'll wait for my four more minutes to do so. I have one more class today, and that is a study hall calculus. Those are never stressful, since the T. A. just helps us with some problems like our homework. He's a nice guy. The first time all we did was say our names and stuff like that, but I'm sure we'll actually accomplish something today. At least I hope so. Getting to know people is good, but I really needed some help with a couple of those problems! Well, I guess it has been twenty minutes, so I better go. Hope anyone who reads this is having a great time! :) | low | high | high | low | low |
Realizing that I am on my own left to create a future all by myself is a responsability which excites me. Everyday, I open my eyes and look around the room to see my roommate ( a perfect stranger only a few weeks ago) eating her daily breakfast and I have to hit myself just to make sure that my life is a reality. I have waited so long for college, for freedom for independence and now I posses all these things. And as excited as I am, I also ponder in thoughts of dissapointment. Not in myself or my actions but in all I have left behind. Yes I am talking about my family and friends and my own room and homemade meals, but I am also talking about my childhood and innocence. Ok, go with me for a little bit--- I know it's cheesy and a little extreme but it's true. I am on my own now, making all (well actually most) of my decisions on my own. I don't have my mom yelling at me to stop talking on the phone or to start doing my homework. My teachers aren't there to take role call or to ask you how life is treating you. All those thing that I took for granted but were a daily part of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love the freedom of college and the fact that I can talk for hours without my mom yelling at me or the fact that my teachers won't call my mom if I happen to skip class. I really don't know where I'm going with this, all I can offer as an explanations is that just because a freshman loves their new found freedom does not always mean that they don't miss their old life. It's hard growing up and facing up to the challenges of responsibility. I am often tempted to call my parents and beg them to send me a homemade meal or to remind me to set my alarm clock so I don't oversleep. Yet, I should confess that so far, I am handeling the whole responsability thing quite well. One thing I certainly enjoy is the fact that I can spend more time with my friends and I can go out on weekdays and I can eat unhealthy food as much as I want. Not to say that I indulge myself in such activities constantly. I guess the point of it all, is that I am confused. I am trying to find out who I am. And I think college can bring such valuable experinces as to help you understand yourself a little more. Throught the lonly moments, and the paries and the classes, through it all, I think that we are all supposed to learn a little about ourselves as well as others and the world surrounding us. Oh, and ofcourse, to get and education. | high | low | high | low | high |
being new in Texas and on a strange campus with a lot of different people that I've never met, and have no idea what their backgrounds or thoughts may be is weird to me. back home this wasn't the same. All my friends knew me and I knew them. They didn't care about my little flaws. My family was there to support me and care about me. now, I'm hear. alone and people are starting to show their real colors. At first the girls on my floor were accepting and sweet, but now everything has changed. They have this different feelings and thoughts about me. I may have done some things to upset them, just like they have done to me, but I am a forgiving person. I do not hold grudges like others. Which my sister says is a bad trait. guys down my hall, who used to be nice to me, now make fun of he way I talk, the way I dress, just generally me. its hurts a lot. I'm not the kind of person who shares my feelings with others very easily. I try not to let the things they say hurt me, usually they are just joking around. but, it still does hurt. no one likes to be made fun of. Maybe I'm scared of what people think about me. maybe I'm nervous and afraid because I'm in a totally new atmosphere and situation and nearly everyone else has their family and friends nearby, if not living in the rooms with them, the talk to. People who know about their mood swings and personality. but, I don't. At first I didn't think much about all this stuff. I was having a good time in rush and with all the new people I have met. But, things have changes and I kind of wish I had chosen to go to the school where all my home friends went instead of starting anew. but, I guess the reason I'm hear is because I wanted to get away. or at least I thought I wanted to get away. one thing I don't' really like to do is burden people with my problems, especially people I don' know. they usually end up telling me that I should think better about myself or that what I'm thinking isn't right. but, no one really knows what's right for me except me. I tell myself every night that tomorrow I'll try to be a little better at this and try to change that about myself, the things that people get annoyed with so that people will want to be my friend. but, I can't change how I've grown up. my family values have thought me how to be nice to others, but I had to learn on my own how to take it when those people that you think you're the nicest to and like the most can turn on you in a second. that just because you might say a nice thing about someone, that's doesn't mean that the next day they'll remember or even care enough to stop people from hurting you. My mom calls about three times a day. We're pretty close. but, when I was at home she'd annoy me because she always wanted to talk and be around me and I thought I just wanted her to go away. but, no its different. I call her too. I tell her everything that's happened to me that day and ask for advice. I thought I would be that kind of person, but I was wrong. I can't wait to go home and be with people that really know me and accept me right away. I don't' remember the last time I had to work at being someone's friend. I wish I didn't have to write this for so long. I just feel like I'm babbling about the same thing over and over again. I can't type very well either, so some of my words can only be read by dyslexic people. its alright. I'm trying to be as honest and open as possible. A couple of years ago I used to cry everyday. About nothing about something it didn't matter. I was going to go see a psychiatrist. I've never been to one but was always intrigued about what would happen if I went. I think for a little while I'd tell me parents that I HAD to go to one. I convinced them. I dot' know what that was all about. just a phase I guess. I'd still like to go to one. I can't see how someone could like the job of hearing other peoples problems for hors on end everyday. That would be totally crazy. When people tell me their problems I just think about mine and feel bad for myself. I guess I'm self centered or something. I hear people talking in my hall and wish that I could go out there too, but I promised myself that I'd get some work done before I went off to class. I really haven't eaten a lot since I've been here. I skip breakfast don't' eat lunch or dinner. Its crazy. My appetite has totally left. the food is really nasty here. Oh well. When I get home I'll make my parents take me out to a nice dinner. My boyfriend used to take me out to nice dinners, then for some reason her totally stopped. I'm kind of materialistic. or, at least that's what he'd say. but, I learned o accept it because I loved him. or at least I thought it was love. I don't' know yet, and I'll probably never know until I find someone who I feel the same way or more about. That hasn't happened yet. okay, times up. | high | high | high | low | high |
this song is really sweet my computer is slow but it's cool it's doing pretty well for me I should start typing next to each other just in case I run out of room. well that's better. hehe. I don't believe Monica did that. actually I'm not sure if I can write that type of stuff on here. it's kind of personal and what if someone reads this. I don't mind if Pennebaker or Matt reads it. but what if it's someone else. never mind about that. start thinking and type what your thinking wenshi. great now I'm talking to myself. that's funny. well. the songs over. what's next. prem is a really sweet guy and I am very lucky to have him. I'm also very lucky to have friends like Amy, phong, thang,julie, janet, sean, and so many more. and especially lucky to have such a mom and dad and three brothers that really care. they take care of me. they do lots for me. wenjen upgraded this computer that I'm using to type. isn't he so nice. what a brother. it's really cold in our room. I feel like I'm talking to someone. and tell them everything about myself. but I don't think that is what stream of consciousness is. I don't know. well I'll just keep typing until time is up. oh yeah. I need to call Janice and ask her if she has an extra cable for our TV in the room. good thing I wrote sentences right next to each other. this assignment would of been really long if I didn't. I know I don't have to worry about spelling and grammar and all but it kind of bothers me. it's not much the grammar and punctuation but spelling and spacing of words. I guess I'm just anal or something. who knows. I think other people like my friends and family know me better than I know myself. geez that shouldn't like that but I think that's how it is. oh well. hmm. what else should I think about. that's weird I'm thinking about what I'm thinking. hehe confusing. I miss my friends from high school that aren't going to UT. I miss my family too. my hometown isn't that far away compared to others but I still miss my friends and family. wow I don't know how others from out of state or even the country do it. it must be hard for them. I'm worried about mommy she's home all by herself. everyone is at a different place. wow. but in October all of us should be together. I can't wait until that day comes. it's going to be so cool. it hasn't been like that for more than a year. my goodness only 13 minutes have passed. I have written a lot in 13 minutes. geez. and 7 more at least. wow. I wish all papers in all my classes would be this easy. I mean it's not easy but easier than other writing assignments. you don't have to worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation, and just about everything else. just need something on paper. what kind of paper is that. I think I'm in paper heaven. hehe. that's like the coolest thing. I wish other teachers would be so generous. what happened to my music. I didn't pick this to be in my file or play list editor to play music continuously. but it's still a good song. I didn't even know it was in the file. that's pretty cool. actually kind of weird. hmm. I wonder how long it's been now. my hands are kind of getting tired and hard and tense from typing all this continuously. it's actually tough to type so much because you are thinking of so much at a time. it would be easier if I could type faster or my thinking would be less. hehe. that's never going to happen. I have been told I think a lot. and my mommy says I have lots of wrinkles under my feet. she says that means you keep everything to yourself. it's true for me. I don't know about others though. I think that's a cool but weird saying or superstition whatever you want to call it. it is funny too. well. what time is it now. let me look real quick. I started when the time said 1:10 and now when I looked it's 1:29. just one minute away from the minimum time. I'll type a little longer so it's not like I stopped right at 20. well the music stopped. you know what I just realized. I did pick all those songs I thought I didn't pick. that's funny. oh well. well. the playlist is out of songs I have to start it again when I'm done typing which should be ok to be now but let me check just in case the minute isn't over. I don't want to cheat and make it 19. 5 minutes. let me see here. it's 1:32. so I've been typing for 22 straight minutes. wow. my right arm is sore. it really hurts. I guess I should stop now. well nice typing for my first writing assignment in psychology. I'll be writing another one soon for the second writing assignment. well see this page later. hehe. | high | low | low | high | high |
I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. I met this new guy though. I hate it because I have no idea what anyone else here is looking for the same things as I am. I honestly can't wait to be done with school and get on with my life. I hate how slowly the time passes. I just want to be done with school and everything and get a job and get married. I really want to meet someone and fall in love. Its like I am constantly looking for a relationship or something. I guess that since we just broke up I want someone. I wonder if that is how he feels right now too since he just broke up with his girlfriend, so maybe that Friend thing wasn't such a good idea. But I really like him and think he is marriage material or something. I just don't want to be a rebound girl! I don't know, I wonder if Michelle is coming home today because I hate being here by myself because I think too much when I am alone. I am having so much trouble studying because I can't concentrate. I think about stuff that is constantly on my mind. I am really worried that I am not going to do very good this semester. It really worries me. I feel so overwhelmed with things to do and its like I really want a relationship to take the pressures off. I hate to think about what other people think about me, since I am starting my life over here kind of its like I want to make a good impression. I wonder if anyone else feels like that. I want to meet Mr right so bad it seems. I hate how I thought I really loved Damian and all that stuff and then I come here and think about him a lot and now lately after I met this guy all I think about is him and I try to think about Damian. maybe the reason I think about him so much is because he is the first guy that has really shown any interest seriously or made a conscious effort. I try so hard not to make a bad impression. I guess it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I really wish that I could just totally get something out of my head or someone and not even think about it. Sometimes I am thinking about something so much that I can't even sleep. I used to want to go home really bad to see Damian and now I want to spend time with this guy. he just broke up with his girlfriend and all but he makes me not think about Damian. I really thought I loved Damian but he made me feel so crappy all the time and lately I honestly haven't thought of him. He better email me so I will think about him. I don't think he does think to do things for me though. Like he is supposed to go up to the college today and do it but he won't want to make the effort I bet. Ugh! That is one of his worst qualities. I am too consumed by relationships right now and I really wish that I could concentrate really hard on school and get out of here and get an awesome job. the future really scares me. I am really worried about school too. I feel so tense and stressed all the time and there is so much overwhelming me. I can't keep track of everything and know I am going to end up forgetting something! I hate the feeling and nothing can make me not feel this way. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to come to college and try to be successful. I hate how competitive everything is here and all. I really feel ugly all the time too, and fat and I need to go work out but there really isn't ever time to do all this. I am a horrible procrastinator and can't seem to get things done! I really need to write my mission statement for BA class. I have had so long to do that and I haven't done it yet. That is something I have absolutely no desire to do and I wish I didn't have to do it. I am feeling so stressed out right now. It is so hard to make myself study and I never feel like I know as much as any one else and I never feel like I study enough. I have only really studied like two times and I need to get on the ball. I am so scared about Calculus and have a really bad feeling that I am going to do bad in there. There are so many things I want to do in a day and feel there are never enough hours. I hate walking everywhere. Everything is such a huge chore or task it seems like here! I absolutely hate feeling that way too. I feel like I was kind of rude to my parents when they were here. I feel like I don't have time to ever really enjoy my self! I can't stand that feeling either. I think I would feel so much better about myself if I would just spend more time studying. Then I wouldn't have to worry so much about school or doing badly. I also wish I would go workout more because I really am going to get fat pretty soon! I feel like taking a really long road trip and not thinking about school or guys or my future. Just without thinking about anything. | low | low | high | high | high |
I'm curious to know whether or not there is or isn't a timer in this program and if it were possible to just quit typing and claim that 20 minutes have passed. My thoughts and emotions concern my future and what I'm going to do. Do I really want to be a psychology major or am I just saying that because it sounds cool. I want to counsel, but id really like to make a ton of money. Maybe everyone is right, I should be a business major, that's what everyone else is doing. But I don't want to deal with that crap for the rest of my life. I think its boring and stupid. The future is such a difficult concept to ponder. Sometimes I have different goals for it. should I try to satisfy myself, friends or family? I mean it when I tell my friends that I want to be a professional wrestler, it looks so stinking fun. Just jumping around and bad acting. Well, an acting career would be nice too, but I'm to shy and insecure for that. I think I could do it, but I wouldn't want to associate myself with the thespian weirdoes. I don't think id be able to be my best if I had a problem fitting in with weirdoes. Maybe I'm the weirdo. nah. probably not. I may be stereotyping them, but, hey, they're weird man. I've seen the way they act. They put the stereotype on themselves. I'm sure there's a couple nice ones though. I wonder if all the famous actors were at one time like that. My mind just drifted to Tricia. She sent me a message saying that she had a couple of dates this past weekend. I wonder how true that is. Of course its true, but its weird how she never dated in high school and then all of a sudden at A&M she's a hot item. I still think about that monster crush I had on her my sophomore yr. I wonder if she liked me too. Everyone thought she did. But I never had the balls to find out for myself. I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life. I'm such a fucking pussy. The same thing last yr. If I had the balls, I think I could have got something started with Erica at Baylor. Instead, now, we're just good friends. I could have used some support too. But that fucking Ray would have been too jealous if Erica and I got something started. That prick, I think he could've hooked me up with Courtney too. But he needed her, if not, who would he use to cheat on his girlfriend??? Then her roommate, Darla, man, she's such a little bitch. The thing is, she's not even pretty man. Its okay to be snobby and bitchy if your hot, but she was an ugly little girl, with nothing to show for herself. Amazing how she was dating all the time. Then her fucking attitude about how she has the perfect mate in mind, but wants to date, because its part of the college experience. Ray thought like that too. That's such a fucking crock man. As Christians they shouldn't be thinking like that. if this almighty god already picked out the perfect mate for them, there is no reason for them to date around to have fun. They love justifying things. There is something wrong with what your doing fi you have to justify it man. And then ray went to that Mexico trip to witness to a bunch of poverty stricken Mexicans. Its funny how he couldn't convert me to Christianity in 9 months, but he thinks he can do a whole Mexican community within a couple of weeks. I guess its easier when you feed them and shit. talk about taking advantage of people. Why don't these gung-ho Christians go witness to the people who really "need Jesus" They should make mission trips to Washington D. C. and talk to the politicians. they're the fucking sinners man. and the business people too. they're the ones fucking this world up. working for Satan. They don't want to witness to them because they're smarter than them, and they can't find a way to take advantage of them. Christianity is fucked up sometimes. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite for going to CBS, but if I didn't I wouldn't know anyone. They're nice and I enjoy being there. But most people there have less of a commitment to god than I do, so oh well. I'm glad I'm at UT though. its way better than Baylor, god, I used to get so depressed there. but I'm proud of myself, I toughed out that bullshit. I miss a lot of the guys though. It was a different sort of friendship, but it was cool. I still wonder if I would've stayed if my 1st semester was like the 2nd. but then again I was about to go crazy towards the end. Jesse and Miguel. and big John almost killed me!! I hope I date here. I think that's all I need to be happy. a good woman. I'd like to have what lijay has, or anything really. I think I'm the only one in our click rite now without someone to "talk to". times up. . | high | high | high | low | high |
I just always feel like I am better off when I get things done. I have found that I have been procrastinating a lot lately and I just want to get things back into order so I can do more fun things. I was happy about passing by the UT tennis club booth on my way back from class, I am hoping to have time to do that. I really wish I talked to the UT tennis coach abt playing on the team but ihope the players in this club are competetive and have fun personalities at the same time. not only do I like tennis, but I am happy bec it will give me a workout. I don't have much time to go to the gym now and I really want to work out more often. I picked up an aerobics schedule today so maybe I will have time for some classes. but all of this reading and studying I have to do takes up more time than expected, I just feel like I don't have enough hours in my day to accomplish all of my goals. tonight I had a sorority meeting to go to which was so boring and I just wanted to leave so I could do more imprt things with my time. but I know in the long run this sorority thing will pay off bec I will get to meet a lot of people and it is an easier way to make friends whenyou already have this sort of group formed and you just have to actually meet the people already selected. ok, that was a really long and complicated sentence. another worry that is on my mind is regarding that experimental thing we have the option of doing. when I went to sign up today, all of the experiments were full so now I am worried I wont get a spot in a study and I will have to do the research paper. not that that is terrible, but iw ould just prefer not writing the paper, especially since I already took my time to fill out the pre testing form last night. whatever. I will have to just get used to everything and all the new changes, since I am a freshman and everything. when that happens, then I will be better able to organize my time and not stress so much. speaking of stress, I should have signed up for that reducing stress freshman seminar, it would have been really helpful abt now. actually, all the seminars were full by the time I got to register, since I was at the last orientation session - terrible mistake. I should have come to an earlier one but I didn't decide to come to school here until it was too late to get into the earlier sessions. so I had to go to the later one, oh well. at least I got classes that are required, I can't get everything I suppose. going to the university of florida was my other option but everyone I know, from my high school and every other part of florida, goes there and I kind of wanted to get away from everything. even though I do miss pewople a lot, I think I am better of here. and, the good business school was a main consideration. since I was accepted, I felt like it was a good opportunity and I shouldn't give it up. everyone always asks me why I came all the way from miami, florida to texas and I always say bec of th ebusiness school. and that's true and all but ir eally like other thinga abrt it too. I was just admiring today the fountains - I love the nvironment. except for the people hanging around on guadeloupe that I have to pass by on my way back to the castilian everyday - where I live. those people scare me, and I know I have nothing to be scared of I just don't like seeing them there. anyway, I am looking at a picture of me and my mother now and thinking about how my parents are leaving on a trip to europe tomorrow morning - that will be fun. I hope they have a great trip an safe. I am always worried abt them, I just don't want anything to happen to them. I know my mom is scared of flying and I just hope everything is ok for them. they have wanted to go to france and england for a long time. actuakly, they wanted to got o italy too - they were all jealous that I got ot go there with my friends a couple of spring breaks ago. whenever I think abt that trip I think abt how I wrote abt it - the uffizi museum to be more specific - in my application to the university of virginia. even knowing that you souldnt write abt trips I still did it, I guess I thought they wouldnt care if I did it. that's funny. I guess I am still bitter I didn't get into there, it was my top choice of schools. but I am happy at UT. I hope it doesn't get as cold as it sometimes does. anything below 50 is terrible for me, coming from miami and all where the temperature stays on an average of 80 - I love it. speaking of which, playing tennis all the time int hat heat was not too much fun, but it was loads of fun. I miss my tennis coach, she sent me a present here but I havent gotten it yet, I should call her. but I havent talked to her inso long I think it would be weird to call her, oh well. maybe I will one day, I guess I should to say thank you when the present comes. or I could send a card, whatever. I will decide later, if it ever gets here!! well, 20 minutes is up and I would like to write more but, like I said before, so much to do and so little time. I still ahve to read a million and two pages and I only have 2 classes tomorrow. I just want to get te next days reading out of the way so idont have to thinka bt craming it all in tomorrow night. this was fun! | low | high | low | high | high |
I mean, each day I wonder why I am here on this earth. and then other times, I wonder why I go through some of the stuff I do go through. it seems at times that the "good" people get the worst parts of life, while the "villains" in life seem to get the better things in life. that bugs the hell out of me. then there is love. something that is near and dear to me. I look around and I see great females who choose to stay in relationships with guys who treat them like "scum". it's so ridiculous sometimes. the worst is when these girls as for the nice guy, but when one comes along, they ignore him and guy for the guy that may boost their social status. sometimes I guess the girls out there that are like that deserve the treatment they get. other than, life seems great right now. every piece of the puzzle is here. except one thing. I have no one to wake up for each morning. but other than that, thing seems to be falling into place. I use to be a person that required love and what comes along with it. but after my last relationship, I have learned to take life A LOT easier and just "chill". sometimes I might take it to an extreme and therefore I do get myself in trouble or do things that make me disappointed in myself. I worry that this new "care-free" life may eventually take me over with it's great appeal. but only time will tell if that will happen. most of my close female friends feel that I have changed to a more fun and loose person, but at what because??. some feel I have already changed too much and have become a totally different person. I do see myself as changing, but the core of who I am has not changed and hopefully it will never change. I feel that my beliefs and morals and etc are still the same. I have changed a few beliefs, or I should, I am considering changing a few beliefs I have, but it's nothing to strong. it's more like how I choose to take life and what I think is important. but some of the beliefs that I am considering changing or what has my friends worried. because once again, they feel I may become a totally new person and become a person without the same sympathy that I use to possess. but like everything else in life, only time will tell. but I see my myself as evolving rather than changing. make sense??. it's like I am becoming a stronger person. especially emotionally. I am still as sensitive as I used to be. tears come natural for me. but as far as love and stuff. it's not as blinding as it used to be. it's like I gained "sunglasses" somehow as I evolved. even my poetry has changed with my evolution. my first couple of works were specifically about love and what goes along with it. but my most recent collection focused on death, suicide, and the afterlife. I wasn't at all suicidal or anything. but the artistic side of me wanted to try something different from the usual love stuff. but it seems through everything I do, that I have matured. I am less likely to hold grudges than I used to. I have pretty much become friends with most, but not all of my past "grudges". I guess once you get out of high school, things you once considered important seem ridiculous now. kind of odd huh??. there were people in high school that I would have died for and would have died for me, but now we barely talk. and then there's the people I never talked to much, but now I spend most of my time with. it's weird how one summer can change so much. but I guess this past summer "weeded" out the friends who weren't really friends. the friends you have now are the ones that will stay true to you for awhile. or at least until something catastrophic occurs. I remember in high school, I thought my click would never break up. we were almost like brothers. but now we are like strangers. maybe time will change things back. or maybe it was just meant to be. but as of now, my life seems to be a constant vacation. yea there is classes and stuff, but everything is so laid back. there is no pressure whatsoever. not yet at least. but we'll have to see how all that goes. life is a mystery and I doubt anything will ever make sense. just take whatever opportunity you get, and never postpone anything until tomorrow. cause you never know, there may not be a tomorrow. and one should always keep their mind open to anything. the most sure people in our world have changed their minds. sometimes our past or the facts that are presented to us can alter our opinion on matter. however, it's okay to have a strong belief about something as long as you believe in it with you heart and nothing more. a lot of people today are just followers. they believe what they are told. they don't think for themselves to see if what they are told makes any sense whatsoever. many cases in history have resulted badly. look at World War 2. the entire country of Germany followed the madman named Hitler. he was a lunatic, but one has top give him credit for being able to convince a whole nation that he was right. then to convince them to allow him to be dictator. the sad thing is that, that could still happen today. maybe not with the same "material", but if a person said the right thing with the right motivation, any country could fall. even the supposed "untouchable" U. S. A. nothing is untouchable. just like how nothing lasts forever. nothing | high | high | high | high | low |
I thought I could cry forever and I wanted to until I feel eased and better. I guess that made me feel at least somewhat better since I don't feel as depressed or sad right now. I saw mo and ricky this morning. mo probably thinks I've gotton weird, edged, or I don't know, just crazy and there's something wrong with me. yeah. there's definitely something wrong with me. I wanted to talk to him so much. I miss him so much when I don't see him and I don't see him as much or at least I don't try as much to see him or hang out with him. before hanging out with him was one of my better comfort or pleasure, but it hurts me now to him. he is, to me, one of my best friend and I care for him a lot. I want the best for him and he doesn't deserve a person like me. I am so confused. I am so depressed. I know that I should talk to people about it but it isn't so easy after all. connie doesn't understand or I know understand her. I tried so hard for her but she seems so insensitive or she is being a jerk on purpose to be insensitive to me. I don't even think she knows what she's doning to me. God please help me to get through this time. I truly believe that only you could help me and pull me through this misery. I miss feeling your awesome love. I feel so lonely. I feel bad but I can't really talk to my mom about this my whole crazy situation. she expects so much out me. she loves me so much that it hurts her so much to see me being like this. but Lord, I really don't know what I can do. I don't think I am capable of doing anything well or at least I don't have any desire to do anything. I thought mom was okay with elementary education and I thought I could do that, but she says, "no, no!" to it. what can I do? I really want to be the daughter my parents want me to be. I really want to be a friend all my other friends want me to be. I really want to be a sister sungmin and sungchan want me to be. but most of all, I really really want to be someone that I want to be that will please everyone and the most of all You. I am so confused. Lord I don't know what to do and this makes me a sad, depressed and unhappy person. I don't have any motivation to do anything and this is so hard because the school has already started. whenever I feel like I want to cry or feel down I want to go to certain people like timmy, steve, mo, betty, connie, mom, and etc. but timmy, as much as I want to go to him, I can't for some reason. instead, I'm so mean to him. I don't mean to be. I hope he knows it. I wonder if he still likes me. I sometimes feel like he does, but I don't think so anymore. guys are so frickle. steve. I want to but I can't depend on him too much because he will be married soon and I shouldn't be near him so much. mo. I want to but you are one of my problems. why can't you be just a friend to me. betty and connie. I shouldn't talk to them so much, in fact, I kind of regret telling them so much about me. I shouldn't have. oh well, they are my friends and I hope they don't ruin my trust on them. well, I feel so much better just writing about everyting or most of the things that bothered me for so long. I guess my 20 minutes are up. maybe things will be better today. | low | low | low | high | high |
my duty is to get a date tonight for Friday when we have our mixer that is 70's based. I am looking forward to meeting some more girls than I already know. I believe that this stuff is fun whether or not it takes a whole lot of my time. although I have not had enough time to work out as much as I would like. I feel as though I am losing some muscle tone. the food at towers does not help with the dirth of a suitable protein source the food is extremely inedible I have a very hard time consuming enough food to keep my normal body weight up. at dinner I usually eat with either my pledge brothers or my roommates. my roommates are nice guys even if my suite mates are afraid of girls and this hampers our activities. I have a large amount of laundry to do but really do not feel like doing it. I have to acquire red wing boots by tomorrow or my team will lose the game. school is strange because I am never sure if I have done all my work or if I need to study some stuff more it is hard to judge how much you need to study when you have never taken a college test before. I reckon the tests will be fairly challenging although I think my high school prepared me well for these tests. I need to ask a date to the rice football game but I am not sure just who to ask. the football games are cool although my ticket at the first game had my on the highest row possible. I think Ricky Williams is good although he is not as good as jamal Williams of Tennessee. I think Texas will lose by a large margin to UCLA then they will get stomped by Kansas state. we will finally win at rice but then we will win at the other teams I think although the schedule is a mystery. I can't wait to go home to Memphis at thanksgiving to see all my friends. and my freaking car. I wish I could play more basketball and release my athletic energies. | low | low | high | low | low |
she probably didn't but she can be so irresponsible sometimes. I guess that's because she's the baby of the house. Maybe one of these days she'll grow up. That reminds me I need to call a doctor and make an appointment for her. Today's Tuesday. That's good I only have one class today. Oh darn I almost forgot I still have to call the electric company to check the meter. I don't see how my electric bill was so much this month. That's an outrageous amount for a 750 sq. ft. place. There's got to be something wrong. At least I don't have to deal with those jerks that live below me anymore. Next time they park their truck in my parking space I'm going to have them towed. I sick and tired of dealing with those childish idiots. I can't believe they actually sit on the balcony with binoculars and gock at the sorority house next door. They have no manners what so ever. Is my time almost up? I still have another six minutes to go. I wonder how Chris and Amy are doing I have talked to them since the Saturday before they were about not leave for UGA. I wonder what it would've been like if I went to UGA. I wonder if Marlow ever called Katie back. Even if he did she was probably sleeping. She was out of it last night. I hope she doesn't fall for that jerk, Lee again. Hey what do you know my time's up. Well I guess I better get my other stuff done. | low | low | low | low | high |
I love it when things are like that, things have calmed down since I last wrote my entry. I have learned that indeed almost everyone else is feeling frazzled right now also. I had English today at 9 am and really enjoy it, I like my teacher a lot and have a small class, which I like also--more of a high school feel. It is my birthday tom. and I am not excited about it because I have really crazy classes tom. an 8am to 11am which nearly always kills me. All my friends are already talking about where to live next year and I am not sure why. They all say that things fill up so quickly. I got my feelings hurt because my best friend committed to someone else without even checking with me, I guess I had assumed we would live together next year. College is so much money. I feel like at every corner I turn there is another fine or whatever, even meals really add up. I am not working this first semester because my mom wanted me to adjust to college before having a work schedule, I am doing some babysitting though. Kids are my life, I do not know what I would do without them. I was thinking the other day, my dogs back in Houston--do they know I am gone? It made me sad to think they have no clue if I am OK, I am very close to them and it sucks to think they don't understand a move. My phone is ringing but I think I will ignore it, no one seems to call me but maybe that is why, I have gained a lot of weight and I can feel it, I am slower and get more tired quickly. I wonder how it will feel to 19! Almost 20, I feel like just yesterday I was at my 14th birthday party-a slumber party, often times I miss that stage in life, the innocence. a lot of my friends have changed since then and change is good, but I miss my friendships since then, all my friends are so different. Right now my friend Connor is here and she is sitting on my other friend's bed. She is thumbelina, so cute. There is a vacuum going on in the background, I really need to shave my legs. and lay out. My brother called me last night and said hi and he misses me, I miss him also but sometimes I wonder if he misses me driving him around, he is only 12. I want my older brother, who is 31, to have another kid, that would be so exciting for me. He already has two. I am a theta and I really like them. Tonight I am going to get yogurt with my mentor who has the same major as I do, she will give me advice on what to do and stuff for the future. My e mail is broken and I am so sick of my computer company because they do nothing about it. They are so slow. Now my friend has left the room, I feel like I can not say private things while she is in here, she was reading over my shoulder-how awkward, she wants to go eat in the cafeteria, and I am not hungry. I am scared for one of my friend's futures, she failed summer school and is doing bad at ACC and is not trying. she is depressed and stays in bed all day, it worries me. lunch at 11 am? is she crazy, I think the TV show Jerry Springer is so dumb and should not be aired, before all the fighting started no one really watched it and now everyone knows what it is because of that, how weird. I love beanie babies, they are so cute, but I do not understand why people pay so much money for them. they are beans in a bag, worth about 3 $ max!!! I love the summer and am sad it is almost over! My 20 minutes is up so bye bye. | low | low | high | low | high |
jamie signed my yearbook a funny way what a fun guy man I forgot that he's not around I wonder how belmont is. probably fun I bet he has some really weird choir friends but I bet he'll make it big maybe in the music business doing something. maybe producing but I seriously doubt that he is going to perform unless he spins records --turntables are expensive--two turntable and a microphone I wish I saw beck at edgefest and I wish I went to the first edgefest I want to see the nixons man sarah is a jerk I hate how she acts like a little kid and she thinks she's all hot and stufff how arrogant I bet she feels lonely back at home but maybe she'll change I don't think everyone I know will change because of college even though elliot thinks so except maybe mark cause I can see him getting a big head cause of his car but I can't believe the sex thing how could he even think about having sex he must be pretty immmature I want to play basketball with the gang when I get back I wonder if I'll see jason probably not since michelle isn't going to dallas I don't think. in need to get kheang's phone number my time still isn't' up have to keep writing I can't believe I'm writing so much I bet if I was a slow typer then this would look like 20 minutes I bet I could stop right now and my professor wouldn't even know that I didn't type for the whole time but I kindof just told him just now so I guess I 'll keep going but I could easily just erase it can't believe no one showed up for my ba 101 class that pisses me off that no one showed up business people seem to only be into material things like that guy with the beard from new york or miama what a boring life I would hate to work my whole life for some chump company like motorola what a waste who cares about cellular phones I want to make a differenece and work for a company that is making a positive effort to improve the world like a medical company but what about all this hmo crap I don't understand it my mom is so good at that stuff I wonder what well do when I get back to dallas I hope I'm allowed to stay out late and see elliot venkat and emily I guess even though she's not really my friedn I keep making typing errors and my back hurts I need some dr. pepper I wish I had a lot of food in my refrigerator only drinks I want some lunch meat some bread and some other stuff finally I got a canopener man I hope I will see that chick from my y psychology class again she is so freakin hot I hope she'll still go out with me even though I heard she has a boyfriend man she has an awesome face and a good body and she is so exciting maybe cause she seems difffernt than most girls on campus she 's not super easy and she seems like so much fun I wonder if she'll like me I think maybe cause she introduced herself to me and maybe she said I was cute I can't remember I'm pretty sure but that doesn't mean she'll go out with me it means crap cause you never know what women are thinking except some who are so stupid and you just tell them what they want to hear I can't believe katie's called me so much she's so crazy I guess I just told her what she want ed to hear yes and now she wants to lock me in for next summer what if I get involved here theni'll feel bad telling her no maybe I wont' but ahh I guess my morals about women are changing maybe I'll just do whatever for a while and calm down later sounds like a good plan my mouth is dry and I'm tired of typing almost done no messages on the phone what the heck I want some messages I hat hangups especially from chicks that pisses me off I hate missing the phone 1:20 done | high | low | high | high | low |
It was the second one for this job at the astronomy lab. I would be really excited if I got this job. Mostly because the people seem really laid back and fun. Also because I want to know about the stars. That would be neat to be able to impress people with my boundless knowledge about the boundless sky. I think I have a pretty good chance at getting the job. I was the very first person to call after she put the advertisement in. She told me to come in for an informal interview, mostly to show me around the place and introduce me to people. By the time I got there, 5 other people had called. Today she said she had spoke to about 30 people and narrowed it down among me and two other people. I think the interview went pretty well. I concentrated on sending out a hire me vibe. I wonder if being the first caller will increase my chances. What a cool job. So John has asked me to go see Giant with him tonight. I think I'll go. I hope he doesn't fall for me. That sounds conceited, but almost all of the guys that I want to be just friends with have a nasty habit of falling madly in love with me. it's really annoying. Maybe I should concentrate on being just friends with all the boys and that way the ones that I want to fall madly in love with me will. this sounds like the null hypothesis that we learned about in biology the other day. It's something like making a hypothesis based on past data. it's based on the theory that all populations are alike and any abnormalities are due to chance alone. So if all the boys that I'm just friends with fall for me, all the boys that I continue to be just friends with will fall for me. At least in some way. I think I'm a likeable person. I think people feel relaxed around me. People are always telling me things and then saying I can't believe I just told you that. things just tend to slip out. So I may go see Giant tonight. I think James Dean is in that. My sister used to be a huge James Dean fan. That's a main reason why I'm going. I love my sister. She is so smart and I was thinking last Monday night that she has influenced me in many wonderful ways. I was at my friends house last night and Jeremy started playing blackbird on the guitar. My sister and I shared a room for a while and she would always play that song as I was falling asleep. Not because she wanted to play me a lullaby or anything, just because she was trying to teach herself guitar, which she did very well by the way. The other song she used to always play was, um , I forget the name but this guy was playing it on the street today. Today it made me smile while the other night, Black Bird almost made me cry. I was in a sad emotional mood. I think I get moody right before and right after my period. The other night was right after. What was that song. it's by pink Floyd. Oh well. I really want to get my CD player back. it's up in Denton at my x boyfriends place because I wasn't' going to need it this summer so I let him borrow it. I'll see him in a couple of weeks. I have mixed feelings about seeing him. I'm excited but scarred that I'm really not going to like him anymore. I think he's going to move to Austin over Christmas. I hope that works out. I also hope we can find some happy medium to our relationship. He was one of the reasons that I was so down the other night. I think I was lonely for a male companion or something. And I sort of have this crush on that guy Jeremy. His roommates are Jill and Leslie. Jeremy and Jill used to date, but John, Jeremy's best friend who I'm going to the movie's with tonight says that Jeremy broke up with Jill and that's why john is glad that Jill has found another really nice guy to date. But I think that makes Jeremy sort of regret breaking up with her because you can tell by watching them how much they still care for each other. It's kind of frustrating since I kind of like Jeremy now. This sounds like some sort of soap opera. I've never been into watching those, although my sister used to watch Days of our Lives religiously. I'm wondering if anyone is really going to read this since there's no wrong or right answer. The assignment was to write for at least 20 minutes and that's it. So is somebody going to read this or are you just going to check off names to see that it was done. I think another reason I want to get this job, other than making money, well I guess it is making money because there are a lot of things I want to buy. Every time I go to the book store I see this little disc man that I really want. I don't have a CD player here, remember? and I could use it in my car this summer. I really want a CD player for my car. Well, if I get hired today, I will go out and reward myself by buying that disc man. I went to my friend Jed's ranch this weekend. I came up with this awesome idea. I want to get a climbing harness and rig up some ropes so I can throw the rope over a tree limb, hook it back to me, and hitch myself up and sit among the tree branches. I think this is an awesome idea, so it probably already exists in some form or fashion. Basically I'll need all the things they use to rappel down cliffs. I'm going to go the gym to check out the equipment and how it works to decide what kind of design I'll need. My 20 minutes are up. I think I went over, but I don't know by how much. Wouldn't it suck if I accidentally hit the clear button instead of the submit button. I will have to be very careful. I just remembered that the other song my sister used to play was Wish you were here by pink Floyd. | high | low | high | high | low |
All I want to do is sit on my couch and take a nap while sitting in front of the TV. I'm trying really hard to not procrastinate as much as last semester. I usually wait until the last minute to accomplish anything. This was assigned about two weeks ago and I'm just know doing it. I've had plenty of time to do it, but I find myself wanting to plop in front of the TV instead. I love being a couch potato. My mind wonders a lot and people tell me that I'm a daydreamer. Whoever reads this will probably agree that I can't keep my train of thought on one idea for more than two minutes. This weekend I have to go home and see my grandmother who is in ICU because she was in a car wreck. I really hate going to hospitals and seeing how sick everyone there is. It scares me to think of what might happen to me in the future. My mom told me that she probably won't even remember me. I can't decide whether or not to hang out with my friends when I go home this weekend. I know that I will and will not accomplish a lick of homework or reading, but I will still give it a whack and take my books home. I don't know why I even bother lugging them around when I know that they will sit in the corner of my room. My brother and I are not speaking and it's been about two weeks so I kind of miss him. I'm supposed to be in his wedding in November so we better start talking by then. I can't decide what I want to do tonight. I might try staying in for once but that is very unlikely. Even though there isn't really anything terribly exciting going on during the week I still manage to find anything to do but be at home. There actually isn't anything good on TV at 12:30 PM, but I sit in front of the TV anyway. Usually I keep asking myself why I'm watching this stupid show and wonder who in the hell actually thought that shows like "Sister Sister" and "the Smart Guy" were even remotely funny. Why do those shows even stay on? I don't know a single person that watches or thinks that they are funny. | low | low | high | low | high |
I mean, really I do. Only draw back is it makes for fairly lousy formal papers. I really ought to put my desk together. Then I wouldn't have to type on the floor. Hey, a castle! Groovy! I'm not sure if this should be a dialogue with a nonexistant reader, but that's how I'm going to treat it. That's what my last regular stream of consciousness writing was. In 12th grade I took a theory of knowledge course for which we were supposed to keep a journal. At one point, I digressed on the memory of a goldfish which is about 3 seconds. Therefore, every time they swim around in their little bowls, they see a whole new world. Hence, Hey! A castle! Groovey! I've got to get my Relafin refilled. Them maybe I won't spend do much time fantasizing about setting my leg on fire. And we always thought my brother was the pyro . . I really want a new modem. Rephrase, I want a faster modem. I keep getting a java script alert when I try to do the pretesting, so I thought it might be my version of Netscape. So obviously, I decided to down load a newer version. That was about an hour and a half ago. I'm still downloading. ah, ethernet. Your sweet siren call beckons me away from independet living towards a dorm. Oh wait. I would NEVER get housing. No, I'm not bitter. No, UT didn't send back my housing application because I'd sent too much money. No I wasn't over 800 on the waiting list for housig. Grumble. Really, it doesn't bother me. Shoot. Another fifteen minutes. My brother's girlfriend is online. Back to my previous thought. I'm still not quite adjusted to being back in the US. First, I lose all energy and appetite every time I go outside. I don't deal well tith humidity and heat to begin with, and moving from six weeks of 60-70 degree weather straight into Austin in August, well, it's not pretty. Also, every once in a while I'm confused as to which side of the street the cars will be coming from. The one time I crossed the street right after I got back, I reached the middle of the road and was SO confused. Why does my neck hurt?! For some reason, I don't feel a need to rip it off and set it on fire, but I'm definitly considering doind it to my hip. Hmm, someone else is online. I'm going to check. Nope, just the program making noise. I REALLY don't get along with this computer. I have a better relationship with my hip. Stupid computer. No,no, it's not the computer's fault. At least not entirely. I still haven't forgiven it for trying to tell me I had no modem. And preventing me from getting into Windows for a week. Oh. And fo not letting me run any DOS program written after 1988. Ooh Baby. Seven miutes. Bloody "n" key keeps sticking. Ah well. I wish I didn't have to type this. Writting or typing cannot keep up with my jumble of thoughts. In the time it took to write that sentence I flashed to my philosophy study groupo, and this sentence saw the thought about the Romans in Winchester. "We don't like the river where it is. Okay, we'll just move it then. " I wonder how upset they were to not be able to build Hadrian's wall in a perfect straight line. Poor dears. I should not find the Romans amusing. Oh well. Hey! A castle! Groovey! I'll type for another four minutes or so. My neck really hurts. I still don't want to set it on fire, though. Gee. all my sentences have "I" in them. We're certainly being egocentric this evening. Me, me, me. That was a joke. Poor and only for my benefit. All right. I'm finished with this exercise. Good night, so long, TTFN, and Cheers! | high | low | low | low | high |
He'll never live that down I'm glad I finally got to this website so I can get these essays over with, I still have to write the other one before Friday--I can't wait till homecoming, Natalie is such a sweet girl--I wonder what color her dress will be? Who else will I know there? Is it wrong that I'm going back home after just being there this weekend? I had so much fun with Natalie but I'm very upset with Brooks. I just have to forget about him and continue reminding myself that he's a jerk and Natalie doesn't like him how could she ever like such a loser he can't get along with anybody and he brags all the time. If I ever get like that I hope someone tells me and I hope I listen to them. Wow, this is really neat- it's like getting all my feelings out and it's really relieving some stress. Can I swear, I'd better not, I don't want to get in trouble--this is college you don't get in trouble--Tomorrow is my birthday! actually my birthday is in less than an hour--18 years old means I can buy cigarettes, dirty magazines, get into clubs, get into bars--of course, I would never do any of that stuff--only perverts get dirty magazines and I hate smoking--It would be cool to go to a club sometimes but most of the girls you meet there are pretty easy---I like Natalie so much--I was going to be really upset if she didn't ask me to homecoming--Even though I'm at college and surrounded by a bunch of really cute girls, I would rather be talking to Natalie than any of them. This was the first time we actually spent multiple days in a row with each other. her mom is so old-fashioned--"you saw David yesterday so you don't have to see him again for a long time" Well we went to a football game Saturday, Chili's on Sunday, and bowling on Monday I bowled so well 156--that's like the highest I've gotten in 2 years--she's just good luck I guess I'm so lucky to have supportive, caring parents they have taught me that school comes first so it is not really that hard for me to be away from home and I don't have too much trouble getting myself to do homework. that stupid lab stuff is due tomorrow. no maybe it's due Friday I wish I didn't have to take ch 204 it looks like it's going to be the class to give me the most homework I heard it was a weed-out course for Chem E I don't really feel that much stress right now--I should be really scared about not making it as a chemical engineer because my dad, uncle, and sister are all chem e's but I know I can do it and I know the only way I won't make it is if I don't study I can't wait to be 18 I can finally get a credit card-- if I get a credit card will I spend more money? I doubt it I have check cards and they're the same thing I've got to stop eating out so often dad is paying for all my meals at doby and if I'm too lazy to walk over there it's my own fault ---lazy--am I gaining weight? the freshman 15--would Natalie still like me if I were fat? I don't think I'll get fat--I can always diet I lost 20 pounds just 2 years ago boy I hope my parents buy a smaller house so they can get me a car I wonder if they'd ever get me a camaro probably not "no 2 door cars you can't get groceries in them" how often will I be putting groceries in my car anyway? boy I type pretty fast I could be a court whatever it's called who types what everyone says--that would be such a scary job if you ever got behind how would you ever catch back up again? has it been 20 minute yet I think so | low | high | high | high | low |
I called her to ask how to cook a roast. I think it's funny how much I still depend on her - how much I still need her. I call her almost everyday. Sometimes just to hear her voice. It seems to comfort me and I don't really know why. Thank God she has a 1-800 number at her office, otherwise I would have to call collect and she probably wouldn't appreciate that. When I put the roast in the oven, I started to think about all the meals she has ever cooked me. I wonder where she came up with all of her ideas. I only know how to cook three meals, and they are not even that good. I wonder if my mom was born a good cook. She probably was. That's what my dad says anyway. I kind of hope she wasn't though, because then there might be hope for me. She told me that she taught herself. I hate when people say that. She had to have learned how somewhere. Maybe my grandmother taught her. She told me that she didn't, but she probably did. My mom doesn't like my grandmother, so she probably doesn't want to give her credit for anything. I guess I don't blame her. Now the roast is starting to smell good. I love it when you come home and the whole place is filled with a mouth-watering aroma. Delicious! But it always smells the best when you're the one who is cooking. I wonder why that is. Maybe it's because you-yourself created it. It's your own little personal accomplishment. I can't wait to taste my accomplishment. | high | low | low | high | high |
I am doing this at the last minute and feel bad that I am but we do not have internet access at my house right now because our America Online is on the fritz but I am very happy that I can do it at the library. Now that I have been typing for three minutes I feel more relaxed and confident, I hope that this computer will submit this to you after I complete the assignment. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, pledgeship is taking its toll in me and consuming a lot of my time and at least my business has slowed down at the moment. I have a little time to catch my breath. I am very pleases and excited with UT and look forward to getting back into my groove and having a set schedule. Pledgeship is taking up a lot of time but it is only for 8 weeks and that is good I need a date for the party this Friday night and am a little preoccupied with it. , there are a few girls that I have in mind and would like to take and of course I want to make a good impression at my first pledge party so I will look good to my fellow pledge brothers. my pager just went off which means that I have another job to go do and I will do it tomorrow I hope that I am doing the correct thing for your experiment I firmly believe that there can never be a random experiment because once a person knows they are being experimented on it can and will influence their outcome. this is what I told my statistics teacher when we were discussing random surveys. come on have you ever been in the mall and somebody asks you to do an experiment and you slightly alter your answers because either you were embarrassed or the like, sure we all have and that is why people are not truly random I believe that we all have logarithms that are inherent in our minds, kind of like blueprints or instincts that tell us to act of do certain things and with these being in our mind we can never truly be random. If broken down to the lowest level a pattern would form and from this pattern we would be able to predict responses and behavior thus disproving the theory of randomness My time is about up I hope that you have enjoyed listening to the voice in my head and I also hope that you will see things with a different perspective now. If you don't that's okay because not many people think that the random theory is true anyway. But I do. | high | high | high | high | low |
Even though I am so tired from running around all day. My gosh, I have to get up at 7 this morning just because Priya's alarm goes off. After that, everything is a blur. I can't go to sleep, but have to be in the half and half stage. Terrifying. I don't like her. She is just so. weird. I mean, she would stand there and just stare outside. Doesn't she have anything else to do??? I am so tired of seeing her all day. Well, my day pretty much is over except for Psychology class. Why is the class all the way over in Jester anyway. I am tired of walking. To Jester and back. That is 15 minutes off my time. I am tired of myself also. Why do I complain so much lately. And so emotional also. I feel pity for myself, which is not cool. Hey, playing racquet ball with Thinh is kind of cool. I miss him so much. I think he was about to cry when I was saying good bye to him. So cute. Hmmm. something about me. Why do I want to see a guy cry all the time? I think it is something very sexy about it. But the problem is, when they started to feel comfortable and can cry in front of you no problem, then they become too emotional. I want a man, not another "feminine" one to take care of. I want him to be my safety, no crying around me. Not too much anyway, unless there is a legitimate reason. Freddy was such a cry baby. So girlie I might say. Man, I think he was just crying to get my attention. Why am I thinking of that dork anyway. Thinh is such a nice guy. So thoughtful sometimes that I am scared I am not good enough for him. But well, that is that. Somehow, I have a feeling we will end up being together. Actually, it is not a feeling, I know we'll end up together and very happy together I might say. I wonder if he is at home now. Hey, I am typing pretty fast. It is kind of creepy when I found all those ants on my short this morning. I look like a mad woman, trying to fend off all those creeps. But the thing is, nobody knows what I am doing. All they see is a girl looking down on her short, prying the slit out. How embarrassing. Oh well, it passed. Nobody would remember me anyway. Just a girl. An ordinary girl. Nobody cares. That stupid Nhut. Johnny and I gave him $200 for his wedding and this is how he treat me? The nerve. Not that money counts. I am not using money as a criteria. I just want him to treat me right. The way I should be treated. I mean, Thay and Toan's dad had to apologize to me? I don't want them to apologize to me. I want an apology from Nhut. That egg head. Actually, I don't think there is much in that head anyway. I am so mean. Let's see. my hand is getting tired from typing all of this. Actually, I think my writing will be one of the longest ones. I think I can type pretty fast. I don't want to write anymore. My eye is so tired. I want to be somewhere else. I want to sleep. I want so many things. But the thing is, those thing that I want doesn't require money. It doesn't cost anything. So I think that this is okay. As long as I don't hurt anybody right? These things I want are because I don't get much of it. I want Thinh to come to UT and be with me. But then again, if he does come, I think we will be both in trouble because we would not concentrate much on school. Okay, my head is hurting, and I am yawning. I am going to go home right after psychology, eat and then take a nap. Then wake up, take shower the go study. I have to at least get through with the Organic and physics today. My gosh, I have so many things to do. There is Organic, then there is Micro. , Physics, Physics lab. I have to return books to Co-op, and buy books. Buy class manual, then there is those Micro equipment I have to buy. rrArghhh. life as it is with me. so much to do. Why do I have to be such an overachiever??? I hate it. I wish things could just come easy to me. But then again, would life be fulfilling to me if everything I want, I get. Who cares, I would have an easy life. I am itchy again. I think it is just psychology playing on my mind again. You think you have ants on you, therefore you get itchy. rrhehehee | low | high | low | high | high |
I miss my best friend. My other friend could care less of my existence since he has a woman now. I am so unorganized, and I can't type for shit. I am definately frustrated and scared. I am scared that my classes are going to be extremely hard, but most of all, I wish that I did not have to decide on my future. I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that is a really big decision. I wish I could just travel the world and never look back. I really wouldn't mind being a bum, as long as I was in paris. I wonder what Lestat is doing right now. I have so much to read and do, but I just never find the time. THe time is just sitting there waiting on me, but I have yet to find my way. Organization is a good thing to have. Something I do not aquire. Figures. I want to meet some really cool friends, but for some reason, I don't think they are here. Maybe I should have moved to Boston. Now I will prolly never go. Figures again. I paused to think of what to say, and a really bad word came to mind. Again. I don't know what to do. I'm a dork magnet. I have zits all over my face, and the cute guy next door has yet to be seen. Figures. Ambulences. I hate that sound. I find it very annoying in the middle of the night. Gas. Roommate - uncertain. I was hoing for some drop - dead woman, and get a sad little home-schooler. Oh well she says. Well, it looks like my time is up. . C-you. | high | high | low | low | high |
Tony just walked into our apartment and Ashley is asleep. Maybe I need to work on some other stuff. This pre-testing page is down. it keeps shutting down every time I try to use it. I wonder why I even try sometimes. Why am I doing all this stuff enter night. into night grain of sand. off to never-never land. I just typed Metallica lyrics. I don't even like Metallica this is kind of weird. I don't think that I can keep doing this for 20 minutes. Ashley's starting to wake up now. at least most of my studies are done because I'm going to play Broomball later tonight. Do I play at Trees or not? I just think that it will be too hard to actually get to Dallas in time to do it. I can't relax enough to do stream of consciousness. I'm completely aware of everything I'm typing even though it's not selective. boy Tony is loud. Ashley's so cute when she's sleeping. she's starting to wake up. oh wow. I can see her underwear. she'd be a bit embarrassed. she's up know. and gave me a big smile. now she's laughing at me. now she's trying to talk to me and distract me from my work. going on for twenty minutes? My word. I don't have time for this. I think I have the Psychology department figured out but I think they just have everybody take these intro psyche classes so they can get info for their own experiments. they just make it look like a class so they have a bunch of subjects. a cigar. I could use one right now. I'm so stressed out. I'm tired of that bare naked Ladies song. Zach is talking to me right now. what a moron he is. . just about random stuff. . yes go on. exchange the genesis for mario kart. that's a good idea. we're getting mario kart. . I guess I'm going for twenty minutes. . it's been a long time. I have no more to write. I'm going now. by3e. | high | high | high | low | low |
the reason for that is because of this girl I'm interested in. this relationship has had a lot of problems, but nothing I can really do about it. this girl is someone that my roommate dated last semester. I was with her at the end of the semester and I felt that things were pretty good. now my roommate still likes her and tries to make moves on her. this guy is a real good friend of mine too. because of this I don't want to be serious about this girl. I think she really likes me, but then I feel guilty about what I'm doing. she's the kind of girl that has a lot of guy friends. I went to a club last night and she was there. I was dancing with her and felt bad because my roommate was there also. I felt so bad I sort of pushed her away whenever she got close. during that night she also danced with my roommate and other guys. all those guys danced real close to her which made me made me feel real sad. I don't have the right to be jealous because we really are not together, but emotions are too hard to control. I just wish I could hold her and be with her, but the situation is just too awkward. | high | low | low | high | high |
m exdcited. All classes seem interesting. I'm way on top of the medical school admission process and I keep thinking about it. I am so ready for school. summer school was fun this summer, but for some reason I just enjoy havin the challenge of shool on my hands. It makes me feel successful. That's important to me. I have to make sure to stop and smell the roses also, though. I can be kind of bad about forgetting to do that. But then again succeeding in school is one way I smell the roses. Everything here is so exciting. There are so many girls and I really dig that. I have never seen so many girls in my life. But even with the massive amounts of women that are here, my love woes are the same. I'm just too damn picky. Yeah, yeah I know that's supposed to be good and stuff but it gets old. It seems like no girl ever meets the qualifications. It's like the really pretty girls that I am attracted to are stupid as hell. And the ugly girls or mediocre girls I know have the most wonderful personality in the world. What's up with that? So goes college life. Despite the lack of girls with any character and looks, its still a thrilling experience. I feel sorry for women. I mean they are totally forsaken in almost all aspects of life. They are judged so much more on how they look, and what bugs me about that is I totally participate in all of the judging. So goes manhood. I like to think of myself as much different than other guys. Someone who is more compassionate and has thought things through, but even I revert to complete childish mentalities sometimes. It can be fun though. girls, though, I remember a few weeks ago before a Taekwon-Do testing, in which I was to help judge (I used to be a taekwon-do instructor), one of my good friends who started taekwon-do with me was also invited. her name is Joanne Walker. The head "male" judges decided that she should watch over the receptionists desk while testing commensed. That was such bullshit. She outrankedhalf of the judges, but just because she wasn't more "assertive" as they put it, she got looked ofver as usual. This fucking pissed me off. I mean, for the first time I realized that this wasn't the first time this has happened to her. Whenever I won a tournament, it was my name mentioned, whenever there was an award tobe given, it was to be, never to her. I know that the instructors didn't do it on purpose, it just never occurred to them to give credit to the lady. And then it hit me, "wow, girls totally get looked over, more than guys. " Enough about that. I am bored. I want to go play with all of the other college kids in the other room, but no I am disciplined, rooooaaaaarrrr. Anyway, man I hope the Astros go to the series this year, I know that they can beat the braves (maybe). hehe Oh, I saw this thing on Latrell Spreewell today, that professional basketball player who hit his coach. What a fucking idiot. Man, he was sitting on TV talking about how he was suine the NBA for lost wages. Poor millionare. Something about Mary was very funny, and oh my god, was Saving Private Ryan awsome or what? I mean that movie freaking changed my life. And Good Will hunting was good too. I liked it partly because it was in Boston, and I would love to go medical school at Harvard. I think I have a good shot at getting in if I do well this year and kick ass on the MCAT, don't worry I will prepare well. Football, this next Saturday, oh yeah! I can't wait to enjoy the game witht eh buddies and a few budweisers. That budweiser commercial is hilarious, with the lizards. That is a genious whoever came up with that campaign. There are too many stupid-ass commercial advertisers out there. There should be a law against commercials that suck. Like we could havwe a commercial selection committee that could pass a commercial on a 2/3 vote on regular commercials and by a simple majority with Little Caesar commercials. Oh remember that Deep thoughts, by Jack Handy that used to play on Saturday night live? It was hilarious and this stream of consciousness essay reminds me of that. He would say stuff like, I wonder what the world would be like if dogs ruled the earth. I bet doverman pinchers would control most of the countries, but that would be sad because I'm sure there are some Chiuahauas with some pretty good ideas! hehehehehe, I freaking hate that I don't know how to spell Chiuhua. ahhhhhhhhh! | high | high | high | low | low |
It is 2:20 on Wednesday the something. I never remember the date anymore since I quit my job this summer. I think it is the 2nd now that I think about it. Anyway, I guess I will be writing until about 2:40. that gives me a little time left over until I have to go to Psy 301 today. I wonder what the movie will be about. I really hate sitting in class for an hour and a half strait. What really stinks is that all my classes are like that. Except my Calculus discussion class. It is only 50 minutes long a day, two days a week. I just got out of that class. My TA in there is really boring. He reminds me of a Seinfeld episode. The one with the low-talker. I don't really watch Seinfeld, but I saw that one. He is extremely dry too. He stands in front of the board when he writes, and that makes it extremely hard to see what he is doing. Sometimes he even erases stuff before the class even gets to see it at all. Some teachers just really stink like that. Other than that 100 minutes a week, my classes are going pretty good. I have been writing for 7 minutes now. Whoever is reading this (if anyone is at all) will have to trust me. I am not an ultra fast typer, so the form might not be as long as some students, but I guess it isn't the size that counts. :-) I am at a loss for words now. My roommate would love this assignment. He can talk forever. I have know Aaron (my roommate) for nearly 6 years now. It is weird that we are still friends. He is so moody all the time, I never know how to act around him. He is great and all, but it is like living with a women who is constantly having her period. Serious mood swings. He is gay, so I guess it is kind of like living with a women. I'm not gay though. Here is a question. You decide whether or not this is fair. the University of Texas at Austin thinks nothing about letting two homosexual partners (male or female) live in the same room with one another all year. UT doesn't have one problem with that. However, they get all pissy when my girlfriend is in my dorm room after 11:30 on weekdays, and 1:30 on weekends. Tell me the logic of that. Please. Someone tell me the difference between me and Aaron having sex all night long (not going to happen though) and Kristen and I having sex all night long. Not even sex. Just sleeping in the same bed. Tell you what, not even sleeping, but just talking with one another. I am not a sexaholic yet anyway. Does that seem to bother anyone else but me? I guess I found a few words. It is 2:35. Kristen and I have been dating for nearly 6 years now. I have only had one other girlfriend in my life. We started dating in Junior High school. Man! It hasn't even seemed like that long. We were engaged for a short period of time last year, but since then we have decided to back up to "dating" again. It was her decision really. I wanted to get married this Christmas break, but she had a change of heart. We are still going to get married, just a little farther down the road. Well, I suppose that that is my 20 minutes of streaming. That flew by rather quickly. This was a good idea on your parts. See you all in class. Louis A Barrow III | low | low | high | high | high |
I wonder if the twenty minutes is what they're grading for because I type so slow they'll probably think I only wrote e for five minutes I didn't realize the assignments were due today I thought they were due tomorrow, oh well I wonder if that means if I have to9 finish that damn pretest. I guess so that girl has some funky hair, I can't even type without having to look up its just like bam!!! in front of me, I need a computer at home so I don't have to come to the library all the time. I don't get much done at home though so many distractions what can I make for dinner there s nothing to eat at home, maybe kimchi cheegae but I made that two times already maybe robert got some groceries, we need some onion and garlic otherwise I can't really make much oh shit I need a rice cooker still before I can go and make all this maybe I'll invite Angela over to eat. yeah I wonder when her classes are even over. yeah I can just tell her to bring her rice cooker over and I'll cook, she will probably want to eat Korean food anyway because I'm pretty sure that the Dobie food can't be that good. if it is at all like the jester food, that stuff gives me the runs. I don't know maybe they put supplements in it to reach nutritional guidelines but whatever it is it is not any good for me. the jester people must get used to it part of their body's way off adapting to a new nutritional source. nutrigrain bars are awesome. I'm so damn hungry. they should have a cafe here in the PCL so those late night studies can have some refreshment lemonade that's what I want it's funny how me and Angela have so much in common I bet she is thinking lemonade right now. I wonder what Ben thinks of her? that would be fucked up if they were both lying to me. I guess I just have to trust him. I've known him for so long but sometimes you'd do fucked up things for a girl, I couldn't blame him either because I've done such before also. I regret it of course. this guy told me not to ever regret something you've done because if you keep doing that then it is like you're asking back everything you done in you're life. so you may as well not ever be living it. I didn't even really know him we were just fishing next to each other and ha was old, I wish I could go fishing right now. it relaxes me and all this stuff is stressing me and I need to relax. I guess I could go fishing in freshwater but that can't beat the sun nothing can beat fishing the surf of san Luis pass all night even if you don't catch anything just being there when this sky turns purple then blue then a whole myriad of colors that you can't even describe from yellow to black and than the sun comes and you make your last couple of casts not even caring really to catch a fish kind of a solute to the sun for thanking whatever you caught or didn't catch for next time. ok that's been about thirty minutes and I'm going all philosophical I think I'm done | high | low | high | high | low |
I am moving my foot back and forth and I find that to be very reliving for me . I can't believe that the only thing keeping me for getting married is my girlfriend, is that such a big deal am I ready for all that stuff. who is the best person I can talk to that won't ever judge me, I think that it is my girlfriend. I can't believe her, she is so rude to me when I do something that is not good as far as she is concerned. hard to believe is not it. I don't want to talk about this any more because I am not to worried about it. I have to swim in this thing some day I use to play football for A&M. I walked on my freshman year and now I don't do anything. I wish I could do something like that now not only reason to stay in shape and but also because I miss it and I want to play again. I type to slow I am very tired of it and I need to go. | high | low | low | high | high |
I'm missing my friends as I always do when we're not together. I sort of wish I would have gone to school with my best friend Eliza. I had too much fun this summer and now I'm just really bored with Austin. Even so my classes seem interesting enough. I'm glad I switched majors. My family got a puppy. I told them they should name it Bevo, but I think that that would make my Aggie sister not to happy. I can't wait for my friends to visit me in October. Real stupid, huh. I'm all looking forward to two months from now. I feel kind of bad though, because I think Troy likes me too much and I'm just not interested. I really hope Mandy doesn't get mad at me if I hurt his feelings. Like she is one to judge. I'm really looking forward to going jetskiing, but I really want to go dancing. I can't wait to go to clubbing. I hope Lisa calls me today. She's being a real butthead. Well I guess I understand. We're all having money troubles. I hope I find a job. It's really going to suck if I don't. I'm sort of wondering if someone is going to read this. I really hope not cause I think I sound kind of stupid. I am sort of stupid, but that doesn't mean everyone should know. I hope Danny writes to me soon. I'm going to feel really dorky if I write to him and he never writes back. Bambino. I think I'm going to play a trick on Bert today. He is such a jerk. I cannot believe that he was so rude to me last year. I really expected a lot more from him. I sort of miss our friendship, but I guess that's how it goes. I really miss Eric. I wish it hadn't ended the way it did. I feel like crying now. How is it that you can ever forget someone that you loved so much. It's like he's dead to me now, cause I can never talk to him again. Oh well. I know I would hate it if we got back together. I feel like I'm writing in a diary, but I can't say the really juicy stuff. I want to go to Six Flags. I love amusement park rides. I wish Emily had gotten on the rides with me the last time. It was so funny to see her so terrified. I miss Gerry. I should write her a note today. I hope she still has email. I'm really going to miss her if I can't find her. Gerry is one of the greatest people I know. She is so nonjudgmental. I wish I could see her again. I have to stop procrastinating. I don't know what else to write . . OK I hope Lisa comes to pick me up soon. I would really like to see her. I am so pathetic. Here it's only been a week and a half and I'm already wanting to see my friends again. I was going to write something, but I forgot. Damn it I hate it when that happens. I hope I make some more friends this year. People who like to do stuff, like Emma. I can't believe she actually took me to Mexico whenever I wanted to go. It's to bad they grounded her at the end of the summer. THAT' ALL FOLKS! | high | low | high | high | high |
I don't have a clue of why I am feeling this way . I am thinking about many things as I type this paper. One thing is, I hope I have a good freshmen year in college. I was not worried about college until I got up here. Now that It has started I'm nervous. I'm waiting for the day when I have test in every class, I don't know how I will handle it. I going to have so many things going on such as fraternity stuff. This is going to be gun but I hope I have some free time to study during pledge ship. If I don't my life will be miserable and I will end up at good ol cleburne Texas. So far in Austin I fill comfortable when I m around other people but get home sick when I m alone in my room doing nothing. I fill weird because when I was at home I could call my friends and girlfriend and we would go out and do something, now that I don't know a lot of people I can't do that. I fill that your class is going to lots of fun because you came across as a good professor. Tonight i am going out to have fun with my pledge brothers we only have 2 more days of freedom. I hope I make it to christmas, if I do pledgeship will be done with and I can go on living a normal life. Right now I fill like eating something but I don't know what. Jester food does not go down right. I think that is why I am sick. My brother is a senior this year and will graduate in December. I wish I was in his place. I'm ready to settle down and hopefully make a good living to support my family. I fill at this time that I want to do something in computers. That is where the money is. the thing is that I'm not ready for really hard classes and bundles of homework. Well my 20 minutes is up so I'm going to submit my paper and grab a bite to eat. | low | low | low | low | high |
I have finally made it to college. I miss my family and friends but at the same time I am proud and happy with the changes that have come as a part of college life. It's is something new. I feel confident that I will succeed here at UT, but most importantly, I want to succeed. I am excited about all of my classes and look forward to gaining the knowledge that each professor has to offer. I sometimes worry about finding my special little niche here where there are so many students. However, each day I feel a little more comfortable with myself and the university. Above all I find myself missing someone back home who I have only known a short time the most. He is a wonderful person with whom I have this extraordinary mental connection. Being away from him has made me think more in detail about how the human mind and the concept of relationships depend heavily upon one another. It makes me wonder what abstract thought can make a person be able to relate everything they see and do someway to another person. I am positive that it is not an obsession but it is something stronger than just a casual feeling. Well I guess I will just have to continue to ponder about the whole situation. | low | high | low | high | high |
so there you go. my one feeling. tired. I think ill get to know that a little more as the semester goes on. and now I'm beginning to feel another emotion. that of annoyance. my roommate is talking to me about a bunch of crap while I'm trying to do this thing. I've got a dull sort of sensation in my head. I guess I've been working to hard. or maybe that could be from that lack of sleep. but then why do I want to dwell on this the whole time. can I not think of anything better to say?. that brings me to my biggest character flaw. not knowing what to say. and why the hell do I want to bring this up. I don't know. my mind wanders again as he talks somemore. I'm also beginning to feel a little overwhelmed with the college work load. I don't really think it is that much stuff. it's just that I have one class I don't like at all. that being good old rhet/comp. and how can I hate a class like that so much. I hate writing and reading. simply put. I have a strong sensation to end right here with this writing. but then that just wouldn't be right. and then I think I might be able to get something out of this. I kind of feel like I'm doing this incorrectly. seems more like a diary to me. and now the people outside the dorm room are making noise. do they ever have any freaking homework to do. at least I havent heard the bass being played way to damn loud today. the sob was playing the stuff at 2 in the moring. not that it woke me up. but I got to hear my roommate bitch about it. I kind of feel proud of myself somewhat today. I had somewhat of a social interaction with a girl. something that hasnt happened in a while. if ever. yeah. sad state of affairs for me. that brings me back to think of why I havent gone anywhere in my life with the opposite sex. I guess if I just got to being a little more social. yeah. I could fix that problem. well. at least that was a start today. now if I could just keep stuff like that up and not be so much of an introvert. I might just turn out ok. now I'm low in the well of ideas. what else to type about. am I even doing what the assignment was asking of. I remember going to the therapist while I was in middle school. she said I had to express myself. and not be afraid to feel my emotions. yada yada. I know I have emotions to feel. I guess I'm just too damn shy to show them sometime. and now I hear female voices outside. I'm kind of glad I hear them. takes my mind away from doing this. and lets me concentrate on them. I don't know why I like trying to figure out what the hell they are saying. I guess I like seeing how other people interact with one another. speaking of that. me and my roommate. we interact. just don't talk too much. we need to get the hell out of this room a little more often and meet different people. I can't force him to do anything . but I know I can maybe get myself out to do some stuff. I'm kind of pissed at the people from school that came to UT. it's almost as if they fucking ignore me. but then thats ok. I know some might be doing that just because I am with my roommate. they don't really like him much at all. I just got a little laugh hearing my roommate having computer problems. I'm really having a bad time when I have to talk about something like that. well. I'm kind of proud of myself. I was able to spend 16 minutes so far talking about almost absolutely nothing. one last thing to talk/bitch about. I like the food here at dobie. yeah. nice to know. but the fucking lines are a bitch. 2 mins remaing. go clock, go. wooh. I used a comman. I better learn to have more patcients (spelling) with the hw assignments. I always find myself watching the clock, seeing how many pages I have left, or anything else that I can use to see what kind of a pace I am on. and once I find out how slow it's going for me. I get discouraged. oh well. the clock on the computer reads 10:50. that would make 20 mins complete. 1/2 way done. lets get this over with | low | low | low | high | high |
Losing my best friend the day before classes started doesn't necessarily "enhance" my college experience. So much has been circulating through my head. Why did this happen? She and her sister had so much to live for, and now they are both dead because of a freak accident. A careless mistake took the only two children their parents will know to be their own. In a perverted way I find the situation ironic. Alice had done so many stupid things in her life and come away from them without a scratch, but her sister took a turn too fast and it took both of their lives. I find myself unable to think too much about it recently. I am able to say "my best friend just died" but I haven't found it possible to truly feel the extent of pain that I do. I find myself going through the day forcing a smile here and there, a laugh if I hear something funny, but I have never had such a consistent view of the sidewalk. I am polite to the girls in my dorm, but I am somehow furious that they don't understand my pain. I wouldn't either if someone had come to me with this situation three weeks ago. No one does until it affects you personally. It's like one of those after-school specials on teen-aged depression. I find myself shutting down sometimes and hating the world. If I believed in a god, it would only be one more person to hate and blame for this. I know I need to make new friends but can only wish to see and talk to my old friends, friends that understand. I know I need to get out and do things, but the thought of socializing with strangers frustrates the hell out of me. I find myself going through phases of denial, then rage, then depression, and then denial again. Sometimes I want to put my fist through the wall, other times I want to curl up in a little ball and just stay there for weeks. Sometimes nothing seems important. What good does it do to strive for perfection if it can all be taken away that quickly? What good does it do to have people close to your heart, if it only hurts that much more when you lose them? Of course I know the answers to these questions, but recently I've challenged everything I have trusted to be true. | high | low | low | low | high |
don't take waste a minute you have to have no worries. spending time with people you love and have fun with is what makes those great memories that you look back on. right now I should be living life to it's fullest ( I should always actually) because things only get more and more complicated. sometimes I feel so confused and it gets me down, but the weird thing is, is that I can't pinpoint what I'm confused about. that's bad for me because then I can't talk to anyone about it--that's what usually helps me get things off my mind. I am going home this weekend to see my brother from l. a. California and he is bringing his new girlfriend. I'm anxious to meet her because she sounds so sweet. I wonder if this is the girl he will marry--I always think of that when a relationship begins. I truly believe that a couple should go out at least one year and a half before they think of marriage--it takes a long time to see all of the other's weakness, and characteristics. it is way too hot for me--it drains me so much. I dropped history because I had a really bad feeling about it--the teacher was on a different level than I was and I could not learn from her. I feel a bit weird and guilty for dropping it because I usually stick things out no matter what, but I need to do well this semester so I had to make sure. I really want to go tubing, or hiking or something outdoors every weekend. being outdoors really relieves the stress in me and I am automatically happy. I miss my dog. some people just don't like to get up and do something. they sit there and think about how much energy it is going to take to do something (such as go tubing) and think about how long it is going take to drive there/ rather than just getting up and doing it! I need to do things that I think of and when I want. no better time than the present. I hate nightmares. they've been sticking in my head lately all day after I wake up. they seem to be getting stronger and stronger. I dream about sad or fearful things all of the time. exercise is so important for me ( not to lose weight etc) it seems to keep me happy and feeling good. it's not a chore for me to exercising. what should I write about. I think I want to go sky diving but I seem to be getting more and more fearful of things. more nightmare--fear of animals getting me. I don't want to be a baby about that sort of stuff because I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to do so much outdoors but it makes it hard when I am so scared of animals. I used to be a tomboy and play with worms and bugs etc but it's a different story now. kids also make me happy. they are full of innocence and curiosity. I could sit there and just watch kids all day. I miss soccer and art from when I was in high school. those are things I enjoyed. I decided that I am going to play intramural soccer here. I hope I have fun in it. I want to do tile paintings when I get older. my mother is so sweet, people seem to take advantage of the nicest people in the world. my brother always gets his heart broken because he is so nice. I want to find him the perfect girl because that's what he deserves! I love and miss my family so much. we have always been so close and everyone can see it. it's a weird close because we don't show our love to each other all of the time but we are very very protective over each other and interested in helping every one out. there's five kids. big families can be difficult but there are so many good things about it too! | low | high | low | high | high |
I am really confused right now because this girl that I think is so incredibly attractive and fun and nice and well you get the picture. Anywho. She says that she likes me it's just that she does not want a serious relationship. I totally understand that because the more that I think about it I don't want that either. I am not really sure what it is that I want. I know that I just want someone to be there for me. It would be nice to have someone who you always know will be there. Maybe I should just explain to her that I am not asking her for marriage. I am just asking for her to be there for me when I need her and I will always be there for her when she needs me. In high school I really was kind of a guy who moved around A LOT!!!! I could never be satisfied with one person for an extend period of time. I mean hell I just got bored. But with her it is different. The first day we met we stayed up until 8am the next day just talking on my friends couch in his dorm room. Then we fell asleep together on the couch and when we got back up we just started talking again. I have only know her for a week but I feel like I have know her forever. I mean I found out so much about her in such a little time. I sometimes don't know that much about people whom I have know forever. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know. Women are so darn confusing. Well maybe it is the situation that is actually confusing not her. Or maybe it could be me?!?!?! Well guys aren't confusing. I mean we say what we mean and girls just read way to much into it. I guess I just want her to feel the same way about me that I feel about her. However, there is a lot going on this fall. I have just started college (and I think that may be the reason that she doesn't want a boyfriend) and I am thinking about joining either the Business Council, the Management Information Systems Association, or the Iron Spikes (they are the baseball teams spirit organization). With all of this maybe I won't have time for her. And I would not want to be so into her then have her start liking me and I stop liking her. I would feel so bad if that happened. I just want a good girl who will treat me like I deserve to be treated and like me for who I am. I guess I should just give it some time. Things happen for reasons and who am I to think I can change someone. Well I guess if I really wanted to I could manipulate her into doing what I want. (I am too good at doing that. It kind of scares me) But what the hell would that accomplish? Nothing. Well nothing good can come of it atleast. Someone once said that we are who we are today because of the choices we made yesterday. So I am going to make a choice to just let things run their course. If it is meant to happen then it will. If not no big deal. ***side thought****** I am not the fastest typer and my fingers are starting to get stiff. ***side thought is over***** I am not really sure what this writing assignment is going to accomplish, but I hope it helped you as much as it helped me. It actally gave me a chance to sit down for 20 minutes and actually reflect on something that has been bothering me for a few days. Wow this psychology stuff is pretty cool. I may just have to minor in this. I am starting to like it. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) | low | low | high | low | low |
Subsets and Splits